The ILF Awards 2012, brought to you in association with Mister Potato

http://img812.imageshack.us/img812/4678/lestweforgeti.jpg

Because footballers don't get enough fame, money or acclaim: the ILF Awards 2012.

There are three categories:

• player of the year;
• team of the year; and
• rotter of the year.

The awards will be announced and presented at a gala dinner at the New Mandalay restaurant, Jesmond, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on Thursday 13 December.  And simultaneously liveblogged itt.  I'm hoping that Sarah Millican will be our celebrity compere, but tbh she may be out of our league these days. Nile Ranger will be presenting the awards, and if Sarah can't make it he'll also be doing a bit of stand-up.

See you there!

FUCK, both EBRJT and Suarez's racial insensitivities technically happened in 2011. Gotta actually think about ROTY.

terry, suarez was misunderstood iirc

POTY- sandro
TOTY- Spurs
ROTY- gallas

This is going to be so skewed due to team allegiances

which makes it more fun tbh

i'm consistently outraged that the league table isn't, tbh

poty - suarez
toty - suarez
roty - suarez

ha

Are those Man U plums holding the bootleg Pringles you get in that picture up there?

I want to say yes

Three ballots so far, chaps - that's a good start towards our target of four.

Is this EPL-only?

Gonna try and do it properly but...

POTY - Aguero
TOTY - Swansea
ROTY - Plain Old Brave & Racist John Terry

No manager of the year? I wanted to rep for Rafa.

ROTY - Plain Old Brave & Racist John Terry

his rear isn't that great??

Okay. Anderson then. His is massive.

what is rafa's favourite site for reading about uk bass music and weird techno?
facht magazine

is this calendar year?

Is this EPL-only?

Very much not. I suppose you can vote epl-only if you want, but tbh I'd be struggling to get five of anything other than rotters.

Yes, this calendar year. It makes it a bit more interesting to do imo - there's not too many who've had storming first AND second halves to the year.

I wouldn't get too forensic though, just do it off the top of your head - as long as nobody puts up too many spoilers, we should get a decent spread of votes and hopefully a surprise or two.

I'm not planning on long countdowns either - top threes should be enough, don't want the black bean sauce to get cold.

rvp, fletcher, jelavic

I should make clear that it's worldwide - if you feel big Emile's strong start down under deserves recognition, be my guest.

POTY - Torres. He needs cheering up and i think that winning this award would do just that
TOTY - Borussia Dortmund. I jsut like them
ROTY - Roman Abramovich. OK he bought us the CL but I'm still pissed off with him re RDM

what is rafa's favourite site for reading about celeb gossip oddly interspersed with interstitial conversational iberian tics

ok magazine

POTY - luis suarez
TOTY - atletico madrid
ROTY - mark hughes

Cannae believe you're spurning Falcao like this. Can we be sure of nothing in this God forsaken world
anymore?

xp do i actually have to email that cos i'm not gonna

YES I KNOW but falcao's just had a little fallow spell and he's part of toty so... :(

calendar year suarez has been magnifico and v much not a part of toty

since appointment dec 2011: p53 w38 d8 l8, uefa cup and super cup

diego simeone worth a side bet for chelsea job imo

Yes you do xp, and you're supposed to vote for five - thanks for thumbing your nose at both of my rules ffs.

five bloody hell

Also the 'no spoilers' rule isn't even a rule, and you've gone and broken that too.

whats my deadline i'm quare busy

Next Wednesday. Honestly, five minutes spent on this is a good couple of minutes too long.

you've spent the last five mins greetin bout it

We've stormed through the four ballot mark, and indeed have got all the way to five. Now for the next target, which is ninety.

It's been a day of consolidation - no new votes, but otoh we haven't lost any either.

I'm struggling to remember anything. What happened in 2012?

'Arry went to court. RVP scored some volleys. City-QPR. Gary Neville's orgasm. Hazard acted like a dick and then ended up playing for a rafa benetiz side. Paneckas. Pirlo. Russian fans acted like dicks in Poland. Capello defended a racist cos he's Italian and they do that I guess. etc. etc. etc.

League: Spurs got within inches of the top, then collapsed when Arry pondered the England job that was never offered to him. City looked odds on, then collapsed. United opened up an unassailable lead, then contrived to have it assailed. City went into the final day knowing it was almost impossible for them to avoid winning the league, then did their best to avoid winning the league. Then won it in injury time.

Milk Cup: Liverpool eventually beat Cardiff.

FA Cup: my mind is completely blank.

Gary Neville's orgasm

Oh God - Chelsea won the European Cup, didn't they? How the fuck did that happen?

http://i.minus.com/ibrbOoRe6fTRMf.gif

What happened in 2012?

Rangers died. Many lols were had in the process.

Why can't I remember the FA Cup? I feel like the last five or six seasons are all merged into one in my head. I'm reasonably sure Chelsea won it.

The trauma of losing to LFC?

Andy Carroll won it, it's the record books that are wrong

Was it Chelsea v Spurs in the semi with the goal that never crossed the line?

5-1 iirc. You beat City in the third round iirc too, only to be slaughtered thoroughly by Liverpool in the fourth.

Interesting winners in all the major leagues except Spain, and even that was sort of interesting. Pretty good Euros, Mexico won the Olympics. Inzaghi retired, Del Piero sort of did.

christ that gif is the best gif i hope it's on the relevant thread already

rangers TOTY obv!

i think we should all agree to contributing to this poll

i think we should aim for at least as many votes as pplains' husker du poll

i just can't remember nuffink after christmas strike me dahn

i have nev's orgasm in my phone. for a long time it had a funk tune after it (in the alphabetical order) that really set it off.

It's the G-Nev Era.

clegged out with a wallwork fist

i still swear the graun nicked G NEV.mp3 off here

i wish it had the "un-bi-leeevable"

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/rafa-benitez-22-293x300.jpg

Another clean sheet today, that's what I get for putting this guy in charge.

I'm not averse to voting, I just can't remember anything.

Player of the year: no idea
Team of the year: no idea
Rogue of the year: Terry / Suarez (half a point each)

yeah tbh

I sympathise, getting old is a bitch

what is rafa's favourite cybotron track?
i think it's clear, no?

This is like Messi's year - the end approacheth, can we get the record-breaking sixth ballot? Only there was no doubt Messi would pull it off.

wait where when? I really dont remember much, i had a busy summer. The answer to eveything is prob michu

Ballots in by end tomorrow please. Surely your busy summer gives you tons of candidates?

I got all excited checking my inbox just now, but it was only dropbox and they wasn't even any amusing pun I could use if I squinted hard

They said it couldn't be done. They said it wouldn't be done.

It was. The sixth ballot is a reality.

Ai think we should all agree to contributing to this poll

― Nilmar Honorato da Silva, Friday, 7 December 2012 01:54 (5 days ago)

this

just drafting

non player or managers who nonetheless work for football clubs count right?

well they better

i think you just cop a pfunkboy and get a mod to do a CLOSING SOON message in the title, extend the voting 48h

you /should/

Nah it's cool - I'm only doing top threes, we don't need no mass participation.

Seven in now, dis ting is motoring.

hang on

that's the spirit

embarrassingly eplcentric thrown together one answer to each sent

Eight! You guys - and still time to make it nine.

Slightly less idiotic and ill-informed than my ballot for the best players of the 00s poll.

outstanding

ok, there you go, a game changer for you

there are fewer minutes left between now and midnight than goals scored by messi last season

Eleven in total, thanks gents.

http://i50.tinypic.com/15zhzkg.jpg

I've got to pop over to Wallsend first to pick up the-guy-who-used-to-be-in-Spender, but I'm hoping we'll be ready to go in about half an hour or so.

I'm still waiting outside his house. Jeez, the bloke's fallen on hard times - brickwork wrecked, one window boarded up, front grass totally overgrown. I think there might even be a bike in there, but it's hard to be sure.

My mistake, I got the wrong street. He actually lives in the tower block in behind. We're on our way. I should probably stop posting and start concentrating on my driving.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g80L9gPFy7c

If I have to hear one more story about how funding that film has ruined this guy's life, I swear

First problem - the New Mandalay's got a works xmas party in tonight and they've got no space. I'm sorry about this. Stick's away round the corner to Buon Appetito to see if they can take us.

They can, but they've only got a table for four. That's alright because there's only two of us. Nile said he might make it, and m bison is presumably going to come along, so we're sorted.

I've went for calamari starter, then a risotto milanese with zucchini fritti. Shame as I was in the mood for a chinese, but that's not bad.

Anyway once the starter arrives we can start handing out these:

http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/6008/trophiesq.jpg

ROTTER OF THE YEAR

http://imageshack.us/a/img12/8887/05abramovich.jpg

5. Roman Abramovich

http://imageshack.us/a/img11/7079/04suarez.jpg

4. Luis Suarez

http://imageshack.us/a/img717/3756/03hughes.jpg

3. Mark Hughes

http://imageshack.us/a/img834/9448/02ferguson.jpg

2. Alex Ferguson

evidence of voter fraud surely

I've had UN monitors in and I can assure you these results are 100% verified

http://imageshack.us/a/img13/3461/01muamba.jpg

1. Fabrice Muamba

too low

Oh bloody hell, what an embarrassing typo. That should've been:

http://imageshack.us/a/img651/3524/01terry.jpg

1. John Terry

didnt vote for any of those

Yours was the only full-length ballot not to vote for our winner

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/terry3.jpg

^^ nsfw photo of john terry with an unidentified member of the 1974 west germany side

He's not even watching it ffs.

Anyway unfortunately John can't be with us tonight. I'm going to nip outside for a ciggie while his award's being couriered down to Cobham, then when I get back we'll get wellied into some TEAM OF THE YEAR action.

if i'd known he would be in with a shout i'd have said ol' purplenose myself.

Oof, that was awkward. I'm outside handing over the award to the motorbike courier when Ronaldo pulls up in a fancy motor. I never thought he'd actually show, clearly I've underestimated his ambition.

Anyway he eventually accepted that that was the one you don't want to win. He's off to find a cashpoint, then him and his agent are going to join us for the rest.

http://imageshack.us/a/img72/5725/05swanseacity.jpg

5. Swansea City

yeah voted for them

levante were rather better as overachievers but did it in a more typical gritty organized sort of way

Joint no.3s next

http://imageshack.us/a/img191/7618/03atleticomadrid.jpg

3. Atletico Madrid

http://imageshack.us/a/img801/9783/03juventus.jpg

3. Juventus

http://imageshack.us/a/img20/3673/02spain.jpg

2. Spain

http://imageshack.us/a/img69/8746/01borussiadortmund.jpg

1. Borussia Dortmund

I think I can speak for us all by saying congratulations and well done to Borussia Dortmund. Not only did you defy the odds domestically, but it must be a dream come true to be having the champions of England come to play in your stadium.

And now the ILF award, what a year for you.

lol, just noticed the '666 likes' under that JT picture

Dinner was grand, but Stick's fair been getting stuck into the vino. He said he was going to the bathroom, but I can see him chatting up a couple buxom wenches over in the corner there. He's leaning in far too close, I fear a scene. I'm also worried he thinks I'm paying for his boozing, this could all turn quite sour.

Unbelievable, he's only gone and swanned out with one on each arm. Not so much as a goodbye, and now I'm stuck with the bill. Bloody Ronaldo hasn't come back either

poty - zlatan
toty - juventus
roty - gaweth bwale

Yeah I can't really accept votes now I'm afraid

Oh this is all going wrong. I chase out after Stick, only to see a taxi pulling away with the two lasses all over him in the back seat. I'm too busy cursing him to notice Alan Shearer striding towards me and pumping my hand, wanting to take issue with the results. Of course he's all "there's something very suspicious about Swansea" and "Borussia Dortmund, nobody knows much about them" for what feels like hours.

To cap it all off, there's Ronaldo's car parked outside the New Mandalay - seems they don't have any problem finding a table when it's him.

I've ordered some pannetone to soothe the pain. Now on to PLAYER OF THE YEAR.

http://imageshack.us/a/img547/8435/05robinvanpersie.jpg

5. Robin van Persie

lol voting dortmund over spain is terribly nouveau internet football fan

ilxroty - ismael kata

ismae klata

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that 'r' stands for something nice

http://imageshack.us/a/img834/5422/04andreapirlo.jpg

4. Andrea Pirlo

based one dece game vs a bunch of overgrown man babies and growing a wicked beard?

/shearer

i forgot about him but like dortmund and terry would have excluded him based on excessive attention from both mnstrm media and internet fitba rubes

You wouldn't give him any credit for making Juventus your toty?

juve all about pogba and lucio

pah, xp'ed into idiocy

http://imageshack.us/a/img545/8526/03radamelfalcao.jpg

3. Radamel Falcao

http://imageshack.us/a/img687/441/02luissuarez.jpg

2. Luis Suarez

oh C'MON

hey, I just count them

lol i only voted once in each category and still managed to fuck that up

Oh, here comes Ronaldo to join us after all

shouldve voted for suarez as team of the year too

http://imageshack.us/a/img11/5205/01lionelmessi.jpg

1. Lionel Messi

iirc dalglish had 11 suarezes playing vs wigan

Thanks for putting this together Ismael!

did anyone not vote for messi

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6at0oTosG1qcod9po4_250.gif

yeah nice to have a terse poll in this era of 600 best clownstep records etc

I gave Ronaldo the trophy anyway. He seems pleased enough with it - he says Messi's got plenty that should've been his, so...

http://img4.joyreactor.com/pics/post/gif-jews-cristiano-ronaldo-soccer-249614.gif

thats the good grace weve come to expect from el ron hubbard

And the bill only came to sixteen quid. The benefits of a night out in the north.

last benefit night out in the north was for conor wickham's dog

Those numbers in full:

PLAYER

47 Lionel Messi
35 Luis Suarez
31 Radamel Falcao
13 Andrea Pirlo
10 Robin van Persie
09 Zlatan Ibrahimovic
08 Cristiano Ronaldo
07 Bradley Wiggins
07 Sergio Aguero
07 Fernando Torres

06 Steven Fletcher
05 Iker Casillas
05 Sandro
04 Giorgio Chiellini
04 Mario Gotze
03 Andres Iniesta
03 David Silva
03 Nikita Jelavic
03 Alan Dzagoev
03 Mikel Arteta

02 Marouane Fellaini
02 Arturo Vidal
02 Derek Mkhitarian
02 Toni Kroos
02 Shinji Kagawa

TEAM

44 Borussia Dortmund
27 Spain
15 Juventus
15 Atletico Madrid
14 Swansea City
13 Liverpool (includes votes for "Rodgers' Liverpool", for "Being: Liverpool", and for "Luis Suarez")
12 Bayern Munich
11 Montpellier
10 Athletic Bilbao
07 Shakhtar Donetsk

07 Real Madrid
07 Manchester United
05 Newcastle United
05 Tottenham Hotspur
04 Reading
04 Croatia
04 Barcelona
02 Fluminense
02 Celtic
02 Chelsea

ROTTER

40 John Terry
19 Alex Ferguson
14 Mark Hughes
12 Luis Suarez
11 Roman Abramovich
07 Paolo di Canio
07 Mark Lawrenson
07 Andy Carroll
06 Harry Redknapp
05 William Gallas

05 Cesc Fabregas
05 Joey Barton
04 Sepp Blatter and Fifa
04 Ivan Gazidis
04 Joe Hart
04 Gervinho
03 Giovanni Trappatoni
03 Alex McLeish
02 Joachim Low
02 Luka Modric

02 Fabrice Muamba

no defenders? Blinded by glamour just like all the rest

lol what the fuck is 'Derek Mkhitarian'

hat tip to whoever that was anyway

Chiellini's a defender but we are the epl's children at heart

Okay, I got lazy and didn't look up all the first names

poty
 
messi
ibrahimovic
falcao
van persie
kagawa
 
toty
 
spain
atletico madrid
croatia
swansea
real madrid
 
roty
 
carroll
fabregas
gazidis
mcleish
löw 

Henrikh Mkhitarian, I was nearly right as well!

07 Manchester United

21, Klata, as well you know - you'll be hearing from Nasty, Brutish & Short (my lawyers) in the morning

that reminds me of when some impish wire reporter called artemidoros dzagoev 'alan dzagoev' and somehow nobody noticed

that's the wire for you

Player:

> Lionel Messi
> Radamel Falcao
> Zlatan Ibrahimovic
> Alan Dzagoev
> Henrikh Mkhitarian

> Team:

> Borussia Dortmund
> Shakhtar Donetsk
> Bayern Munich
> Atletico Madrid
> Fluminense

> Rotter:

> Paolo di Canio
> John Terry
> Roman Abramovic
> Giovanni Trapattoni
> Luka Modric

Struggled with the rotters.

explain me di canio

haha "Derek Mkhitarian" has been cracking me up all day

http://www.bible-history.com/archaeology/rome/roman-fasces-1.jpg

vidal is a good pick if one must be too cool for pirlo

in calendar year terms kagawa & gotze are easily bested tho imo - reus and lewandowski?

jogi low an excellent pick for rotter too

yet again the powers that be fail to punish ashley young for a year of cuntery

voted kagawa for reaching the highest level of any asian player in europe so far

i don't think i've hated a Utd player as much since the heyday of Kieron Richardson

uh, Ashley Young that is

if only Ravel Morrison had stuck it out

xxxp oh word i must have missed the "token" category

Ravel has been getting good notices for Birmingham lately

who was so displeased by joe hart this year

yeah but once you get past the top few in every category, there are like a couple dozen or more at a fairly similar level

i tend to hold a candle for east asian and ex-ussr players but sharivari had the latter category covered by the looks of it

xps, di Canio / Tehoue incident stuck in the memory for some reason.

i mean it's not like i voted for dong fangzhuo or something

Player: Suarez, Messi, Falcao,
Team: Athletic Bilbao, Spain, Liverpool under Rodgers,
Rotter: Ferguson, Terry, Joe Hart.

who was so displeased by joe hart this year

He looks like the boy from Love, Actually, and "best goalkeeper in the world" nonsense.

yeah hart is a reasonable choice but again a bit too dependent on the execrable discourse around hart than the peroxided farmboy himself

liverpool under rodgers, team of the year. ohhh-kay.

it's about the philosophy, man

poty - messi, casillas, ronaldo, pirlo, falcao
toty - Juve, Bayern, Dortmund, Spain, Shakhtar

didn't vote for rotters, tho howard webb would've been on there somewhere.

Flights Ushuaia-Newcastle
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I'm just reading the Guardian Football site and wtf at this google ad tucked down the bottom! I can only think that this thread's been logged, processed and cross-processed in some industrial unit in Palo Alto, and this is what it's come up with as my key demographic need.

newcastle > paris > buenos aires > ushuaia apparently

round trip of just under four grand for that special christmas

I wonder if that ticket has ever been booked, in fact?

Graham Carr maybe?

heh