Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

http://www.talksport.co.uk/sites/default/files/imagecache/ts_news_article_header_image/jack%20colback.jpg

I've been thinking about doing a poll to determine whether he is, or whether someone else is instead. I keep seeing him on Match of the Day, running around in the midfield type area, looking like Rick Astley, occasionally passing it to Craig Gardner to blast over, or passing it to Seb Larsson to blast over, or running into someone, or not quite keeping pace with someone else. And it feels like Jack Colback is probably the player in the Premier League it's hardest to get excited about.

But then the counter-examples come into my head. Tony Hibbert, for instance, has been resolutely impossible to talk about for the best part of a decade now. I think. I would estimate his age at somewhere between 23 and 32. He will never play for England. I think he likes carp fishing. Then again, Hibbert's un-glam-ness has kind of gone through the looking glass a bit now, where he's so notably un-glam that it kind of becomes its own sort of glam.

But then there's Noel Hunt, a man best known for being Stephen Hunt's brother, even though Stephen Hunt now plays in the division below him, unless he's secretly signed for Reading again. Given Reading's season, this is not impossible.

There's players who just have that sort of name. Joe Bennett at Villa (bonus points for being listed as Joseph Bennett on MOTD). Russell Martin and Mark Bunn and Steven Whittaker and Marc Tierney at Norwich. Mike Williamson at Newcastle. Billy Jones at West Brom (hair possibly too curly for proper non-glam). Steven Davis, who somehow manages to be the least glam Davis at Southampton even though the other one's Kelvin Davis.

S. Davis also fits into another major category for non-glams - Northern Irish internationals. Aaron Hughes has been a first-choice central defender at Fulham since before I can remember, which is odd given that he was definitely either at Newcastle or Villa or possibly both at one point. Chris Baird. Gareth McAuley. The list may or may not go on (it doesn't include Jonny Evans, who is discussed too often on Match of the Day - possibly three, maybe four times a season - to qualify as non-glam).

Then there's imported players who turn out semi-regularly for Prem sides but no-one has any idea who they are or where they came from, except now I'm terrified that Fulham's Sacha Reither was actually the best full-back in the Bundesliga for ages and I was too damn ignorant to notice. Kemy Agustien, though. Who is he, and why does he seem to come on at roughly the 67th-minute mark in all Swansea games ever? Gabriel Tamas and Goran Popov at West Brom. Geoff Cameron at Stoke, who seems to fit into several categories at once by being an import no-one seemed to notice (outside the MLS), playing in several positions and being called Geoff Cameron.

Players best known for not being other players. Steven Naismith, who isn't Gary Naysmith (it may only be me who's confused by this). James McArthur, who isn't James McCarthy. James McCarthy, who isn't James McArthur. Joey O'Brien, who isn't Andy O'Brien. James Collins, who may or may not be Danny Collins.

Andy Wilkinson. Have you or anyone you know ever given even the tiniest amount of though to Andy Wilkinson? Not Shawcross. Not Huth. Christ, not even Glenn Whelan, and if you're out-glammed by Glenn Whelan then you are very definitely no sort of glam at all.

Brett Holman. Critics of Villa's inexperience tend not to notice that Holman's a 28-year-old multi-capped Australian international who's played at the World Cup and everything. This may be because Holman is also less glam than Marc Albrighton (which may be because Marc Albrighton spells his name with a C).

Emmerson Boyce. May have actually played in every single Premier League season but got overshadowed by Ian Pearce for most of them.

Jamie Mackie. Part of me still thinks Richard Scudamore instigated some form of skulduggery last season to make sure that the title race was decided by anyone other than Jamie Mackie. I've not got any proof, but there's no way I'm wrong.

(Mikele Leigertwood does not qualify by virtue of having two of the best moments of The Four-Year Plan - 1) directly slagging off the board for loaning out Dexter Blackstock; 2) having the mic taken off him by Warnock when he starts going off-message at a press conference)

But anyway. Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

just checked and nobody on ilx has never said anything about jack colback

― Rachel Howley-Waugh (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Saturday, 10 November 2012 23:35 (1 month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

probably winner of the epl's young jandek lookalike contest.

― fun facts about human waste (Merdeyeux), Saturday, 10 November 2012 23:50 (1 month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Brilliant post Swygart, and I can only try to build on its strengths. Robbie Mustoe and Phil Stamp might be my historical faves, there being something about Robson's Middlesbrough sans Juninho

I have no recollection of having ever heard of Aaron Hughes. Which should make him a contender. But then the name 'Aaron' is a bit la di dah.

thing is guv, the individually mundane footballer is often wholly subsumed into the collective identity of his team, which then confers a kind of proxy gestalt "glamour" by notoriety. so yer man andy wilkinson for instance (or indeed let's say that ghoulish ploughman dean whitehead) has the narrative pizzazz of being a pleasingly anonymous brutalist cog in the stoke war machine. same applies of joe bennett and any other lad coming out of lambo's fabled villa cuntera. ok you don't get excited about them but they still carry a charge so to speak.

now because sunderland don't really have any media rep like that (besides lol united rejects) jack colback becomes a genuine contender (at least of players who consistently get a game, otherwise i'd repeat my frequent silent question WHO THE FUCK IS "DAVID MEYLER"?). colback is... that ginger guy? and that's about it.

mike williamson is a good example but he's been there long enough and is just about high-profile enough to have attained a jenkinsonesque absurdity imho. like i know exactly who he is and yet still i want to shout who the f is mike williamson? cos it's amusing.

chris baird? gareth macleary? jay tabb? shaun cummings? garry monk? stephen henderson? david jones? idk i think colback wins

in other news, perusing squad lists for this has led to the shocking revelations that carlo nash and mike pollitt are still registered as prem back up keepers. who knew?

this is fine work swygart and the sort of thing i think about a lot, to the extent i was going to do a thread similar to this

the stephen warnock thread is coming from the same sort of ground but instead of the merely unprepossessing it seeks to find the winnicottian 'good enough football player', latterly sundered when stephen warnock turned out to be not good enough

i am most interested in those players that can sustain anonymity through many seasons in the top flight, so although jack colback is in some respects fascinating, he doesn't qualify because the chances of him sustaining an EPL career are slim; he seems to be small, slowish, very left-footed, and with no qualities other than gameness (perhaps only phantasmic gameness given how shit sunderland are these days)

colback is therefore likely to be the new grant leadbitter and will spend most of his career in the champo or below; like leadbitter he has a surname that i have hardly heard previously, and i suspect this may derive from the relative isolation of england's (north)east coast (i recall seeking out the onomastics and distribution of 'cattermole' some years ago and it too appears to be contained largely within the littoral between norfolk and northumbria)

stephen warnock belongs to another subgroup, the 2-3 cap england international full-back or defensive midfielder; nigel reo-coker, paul konchesky, gavin mcann, luke young etc

northern ireland internationals; so pleased someone else has noticed this, and also carribean internationals; ricardo gardner, jobi mcanuff, nyron nosworthy, marlon king prior to his most recent incarceration

Is Luke Young still at QPR incidentally?

it's a shame wolves went down cos they were chocka with this sort of lad, i never had a clue which one was stearman, craddock, edwards or ward

xp yeah he was pointlessly cold shouldered and bombed out to the reserves as part of hughes' brave new world but it seems a good bet harry will bring him back now if fit. same with dj campbell. and everyone still sorely rues letting helguson go.

the left-back paul robinson is precluded from this list by the existence of a higher-profile namesake, otherwise he'd be perfect, well, that and the fact he's now part of the brum city degradation project

length of career in PL x lack of outstanding quality wd appear to be the algorithm, so I stick with mustoe* and add to that marlon harewood, who must be one of the few forwards to make it into this thread

*would he have a prem career now? absolutely convinced the base standard has improved in the last 10 years - cd see the current qpr squad finishing top-half or even higher way back when

Helgusen was boss in the Champ iirc, him and Routledge.

obv 'top-half' is crapulent shorthand for '8th, 9th or 10th'

oh wow i totally missed that paul robinson had gone to brum, they certainly know what kind of player they like don't they

Think Republic of Ireland is a home to many of these guys too, tho Noel Hunt actually isn't one in my mind.

no this is all wrong

wolves players just too shit and paradoxically not marginal enough cuz they are really stars of the champo rather than epl obscurities

marlon harewood scored 16 goals in the epl in 2005/6 iirc, he is too high-profile and too profoundly big to qualify, a discordant, unstable bigness

marcus bent is a bit more like it

Marcus Bent is way too flashy to qualify. Think a couple of Villa players might count, defenders mostly, Ciaran Clarke? Matthew Lowton? Not sure they have Colback's quite astonishing anti-glamour though.

George McCartney (born 29 April 1981) is a Northern Irish footballer who plays for West Ham United. He began his youth career at Sunderland in 1998. In 2005 he won club's player of the 2004–05 season award, the 2004–05 Football League Championship and was named in the 2004–05 Football League Championship PFA Team of the Year. He moved to West Ham in 2006 before returning to Sunderland under Roy Keane's managership in 2008. He spent one season, the 2010–11 season, on loan with Leeds United before returning in 2011 to play on loan for West Ham. From 2001 until 2010 he also played international football for Northern Ireland.

^^^ Probably doesn't count for the stars of the Championship reason, actually.

Noel Hunt was awesome when he played for Dundee United

Bent is a sturdy contender. The striker is, by nature, a creature of flash, but strikers who Do Not Fucking Score warp this a bit. It's tricky thing, not scoring enough to be glam but not being quite crap enough to be identifiable as a donkey. Ade Akinbiyi would not qualify, neither does Harewood. Connor Sammon and Roy O'Donovan would both be strong contenders if either of them were still top-flight. Guly do Prado might be eligible if he wasn't so desperately Brazilian. Marcus Bent's credentials are enhanced by the fact that, off the top of my head, I can't definitely say he isn't in the Premier League. I'm leaning away from Ricardo Vaz Te cos I did see him be really good for Barnsley this one time.

I may club-by-club this later.

Neil Mellor showed promise in this dept before he dropped down the leagues.

no wait i've got it by gum

george mccartney

GEORGE MCCARTNEY

Is he a Hammer?

yes (and has been at sunderland i think), made even more awesome by the fact they used to have a player called george mccarthy

Marcus Bent's CV is basically a list of frumpy clubs but he has shagged Danielle Lloyd and some ex-Hollyoakes actress which suggests a kind of run-of-the mill base level of footballing glamour.

Also he appears to be not getting a game for some Indonesian club right now.

...and he's 5 posts up, in italics. h8 u mattdc

also wtf, george mccarthy? i meant grant mccann. gonna fact-check everything on wiki before posting for the rest of eternity

You look at George McCartney and then look at Colback and think nah. "Sunderland youth academy graduate" has a level of antiglamour that most journeymen can't get near.

Been striking out a bit in this thread - its demands really are more rigorous than may at first appear

I really think Middlesbrough's oddly-famed youth academy is a fertile breeding-ground for this sort of player, more so than Sunderland's. Was David Wheater too big, or too goalscoring? He's not Premiership any more so it may be moot.

22 Aug 2009 – LINE UP: Hart, Parnaby, Queudrue, Roger Johnson, Carr, Bowyer, Ferguson, Fahey, McFadden, O'Connor, Phillips

parnaby's prem career was too brief really, otherwise he'd be sterling

fabio rochemback might be a surprise southamerican contender but i fear he scored too many goals from outside the box

keith fahey was one of a load of similarly-named nobodies like craig fagan who also could never quite cling on

which footballers had the highest glam:consequence ratio? gonna tentatively suggest laurent robert

McCartney would qualify... except he had not one, but two, International Wilderness Periods. Admittedly, two really fucking mediocre international wilderness periods for Northern Ireland following fallings-out with Lawrie Sanchez and Nigel Worthington, but no truly non-glam, non-flash player would ever turn down the opportunity to have David Silva run past them on the Big Stage.

Right - club-by-club. CONTENDERS:

ARSENAL - the kneejerk reaction is that all Arsenal players can get the fuck off this thread. Except... consider Laurent Koscielny. Closest he comes to flashness is having vaguely spiky hair. Occasionally he's quite good. Not man-of-the-match good. But better than Pascal Cygan. Or Squillaci. Whether for breathtakingness or donkeyishness, there will always be a minimum of four other Arsenal players more worthy of discussion than Koscielny. He's not really in with a shout of the prize, but it'd be harsh to rule him out of the field entirely.

Jenk's knocking at that door though imo

Not having that, despite having been dropped whenever he plays he looks like Arsenal's best central defender. I predict he will start for France at WC 2014. He has a graceful aspect about him as well.

Jenkinson's claims are bolstered by his brief international tug-of-love with Finland, but now, unfortunately, he is a Young Man Knocking On The Door Of The England Squad. As such, he is conspicuous. He will never be referred to as 'the defender' by Alan Hansen. Whether he wants it or not, Jenkinson's glam now.

ASTON VILLA - Paul Lambert didn't get where he is today by indulging flash lads. Consider the players he chose to bolster Norwich in the Premier League last season: Steve Morison. Elliott Bennett. Bradley Johnson. Jonny Howson. Anthony Pilkington. God, doing this for the Norwich squad is going to be hell on wheels.

And consequently, Villa's squad this season, despite the overbearing scent of Steven Ireland, is riddled with ever-so-'umble non-glams. So let's whittle it down a bit.

A proper non-glam must not have the air of someone who is successful in nightclubs. He cannot follow the Lee Hendrie route to ignominy (not that you'd imagine Hendrie was that successful in nightclubs but he had the air of someone who thought he was). So that's cheerio to Chris Herd, probably Ciaran Clark too. Nathan Baker's borderline.

Fabian Delph was a Hot Property as a teenager. There was a Bidding War. Glam. Marc Albrighton has definitely been Fussed About at some point in the past; he was in the Villa first team even before Lambert's You Must Be This Short To Ride policy began. Glam. Benteke is too good. Andy Weimann is currently a non-glam - he scores quite a few (by current Villa standards), but always seems quite surprised when he does. Something about him suggests an unsuccessful spell at Fulham in the future. His glamness is subject to change.

So:

I do not have the faintest clue who Enda Stevens is. He's in.

I gave the reasons for Brett Holman upthread, and Karim El Ahmadi has the same ones. However, Bretty's got the edge in that no-one's entirely sure what position he plays. The ability to get shunted about the field to roughly no effect earns serious anti-glam points. Some have described him as a striker at some points, possibly. Despite him seemingly never scoring.

I'm not at all sure about Barry Bannan. He's A Bit Crafty. Also, in a team of short players, Barry Bannan is really very short indeed. On the other hand, he's called Barry.

Brad Guzan is not Brad Friedel.

However, Villa have also have a mighty non-glam lurking in reserve. Gary Gardner: the only footballer to ever be mistaken for Craig Gardner. On multiple occasions.

Enda Stevens has continental giant-killing on his cv; that's glam all over.

CHELSEA - Yeah. Erm... Ross Turnbull doesn't play enough to count. Doesn't play at all, really.

The only player even remotely close to consideration is Branislav Ivanovic. No-one seems to mind him too much (and if that statement doesn't get min. 800 words out of rtc I don't know what will), he gets shunted all over the back four with no real complaints; he just generally gets on with his job. Unfortunately, Ivanovic is too good. And the Geoff Shreeves incident sent him viral. Sorry, no contenders here.

Victor Moses. At Wigan he'd've been relatively glam, but Chelsea diminishes him.

holman (herd too actually) just has that weird versatility vibe the great majority of outfield aussies have, like brett emerton or uh idk paul okon

tbh i dont even know what the fuck we're discussing any more if marcus bent's been nominated

also even i can't hate on big bottom branislav, i'm not a monster

Moses is too fussed about, and has been for years. He seems pretty grounded generally, but no.

EVERTON - Would have so many contenders if they weren't so good. Phil Neville would be such a massive non-glam if he wasn't Phil Neville; if he'd not played for England, or United, or spent so long not being Gary Neville. Everybugger knows Leon Osman now. Jelavic scores too many goals. Kevin Mirallas would be a decent shout if he wasn't a well-established part of the well-exciting Belgian squad. Victor Anichebe has a lot of qualifying attributes - seemingly been around for ages, barely ever scores, doesn't exactly hit the headlines very often - but... hmm. Something's holding me back here.

Sylvain Distin has been very mildly fussed about in the past, but not really so much anymore. As far as I can recall, he's never been in the reckoning for France. He's a good, sturdy centre-back. He may even have been Linked With Arsenal at one point. He's borderline non-glam but probably sufficiently glam to be ruled out here.

I am not sure what Bryan Oviedo does.

Tony Hibbert has been at the forefront of non-glam since birth. Only ever seems to play at right-back, though.

I think Steven Naismith is the dark horse here. Being in the international reckoning for This Scotland Side is not even mildly glam. He also has another serious non-glam attribute - Perpetually Being In The Vicinity of Goals Without Actually Having Anything To Do With Them. If a keeper stops two shots in a row, Steven Naismith is the kind of player who'll put the third shot behind for a goal kick. He has credentials.

hmm how about magaye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXw6znXPfy4

i mean he's french i guess but still, what's his deal all these years

tbf if i were to invent a fictional footballer as a front for some sort of complicated money laundering scam i'd also probably call him bryan oviedo

I think Gueye has had mild fuss in the past - thinking about it, he may even have been fussed about on Match of the Day. He's not done much lately but I'm sure he was definitely meant to be a thing a year or two ago.

FULHAM - I've seen them! And they've got chops in this area.

Has Mark Schwarzer ever been linked with a big club? Goalkeepers are not by their nature a glam bunch, but Schwarzer seems especially anonymous. Even by comparison with Jussi Jaaskelainen, no-one ever talks about him.

Aaron Hughes is a cast-iron contender. So is Chris Baird (Northern Irish right-back converted to centre-back converted to central midfielder!) Stephen Kelly might be. Sacha Riether is a 29-year-old with two Germany caps. He's possible. Ashkan Dejagah and Alex Kacaniklic may be too skilful for consideration.

I am trying to think who Mahamadou Diarra is and I'm drawing a complete blank. This may just be me.

this is really not going anywhere

mahamadou diarra was fabio capello's star signing in summer 2006

the truly unprepossessing player must have played 100+ epl (or liga etc) games, or in colback's case be nearly there

like koscielny? or mirallas? mirallas was the best player in greece by a long way at 24 yrs old, he wears gloves and short sleeves and is the most skilful attacking player for a top four contender

LIVERPOOL - Martin Kelly has been in an England squad but no-one seemed to care.

MAN CITY -

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/64992000/jpg/_64992730_plattmancini.jpg

MAN UNITED - pfft. Alex Buttner was linked with Southampton this summer.

NEWCASTLE - Steve Harper has the Tony Hibbert problem of being so unglamorous that he's practically come out the other side, and Shola Ameobi's a similar case (even if he hardly ever scores). Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson, Gabriel Obertan all have the stench of bodged flash about them and don't count.

Mike Williamson is never going to play for England but has managed to outlast Roger Johnson and Scott Dann in the Premier League. He probably gets ruled out for his spell at Portsmouth, where he never even made the bench because the club couldn't afford to pay the contractually obliged bonuses that would have been triggered if he played. This will never happen with Colback.

RYAN TAYLOR

Scans revealed Taylor had torn a cruciate ligament in his right knee and would be sidelined for many months,[citation needed] although manager Alan Pardew said he thought a quick return was possible.[citation needed]

Ah, I'd thought Ryan Taylor's penchant for long-range whacks ruled him out. He's definitely had at least one goal of the month contender, hasn't he?

NORWICH - right, let's get ruling out. Hoolahan and Snodgrass are too crafty. Pilkington scores too often. Bradley Johnson had a mild feud with Joey Barton. Bassong and Garrido are too good. Michael Turner's moved for too much money and is generally seen as quite good. Mark Bunn, David Fox, Former Grimsby Town Captain Ryan Bennett, Leon Barnett, Drew Surman and Marc Tierney probably don't play enough. Grant Holt.

Welsh international striker Steve Morison's career path has taken him from Stevenage to Millwall to here. 18 League appearances this season, 15 off the bench. One goal. In.

Russell Martin and Alex Tettey are first-team regulars. I think Martin's a right-back. Tettey appears to be a general sort of midfield type. BBC Sport informs me Martin's got four Scotland caps and Tettey's played 10 times for Norway. Beyond that...

Not sure if Jonny Howson counts or not. Same for Simeon Jackson.

ryan taylor has scored FAR too many belters nakh, I mean he's a free-kick specialist, that should surely disqualify him

ah swygart said it too, the joy of xposts

nah he has only eight goals in eight seasons in the epl

his set piece delivery is the only reason he has spent any time at all in the epl tho, he has no other discernable attributes

i used to consider ryan taylor the lowest profile english player in the epl when he played for wigan

there was one peachy half-volley too

that said there are a lot of nothingy players who have done something ludicrous exactly once in their careers (twice if they're dj martian cult-hero matty taylor), frinstance figueroa and his earlier, more english counterpart, jon harley

that jon harley goal is possibly my all-time favourite goal by an english footballer tbrr

that comma shd be before 'counterpart', good thing i'm burying this account soon eh guys winky winky

r taylor hasnt hit one for a while tbf, his glam will certainly have faded in the eyes of the regla punter

james perch too lower leagues i guess

READING - Oh man.

Right... Federici's made too many high-profile gaffes. McCarthy still doesn't seem to be good enough to permanently dislodge him though.

Hunt's been cited upthread. Adam Le Fondre seems to score too often for consideration. Already ruled out Leigertwood, Kebe did that thing with his socks last season, Jason Roberts is too high-profile these days. Ian Harte's free-kicks plus being part of That Leeds United Side rule him right out.

The rest of the Reading defence, though... Chris Gunter was meant to be a thing once but not anymore. Adrian Mariappa may have been linked with Birmingham or someone in the past. QPR didn't think Gorkss was good enough for the Premier League. Was Nicky Shorey really an England international? Reeeeeally?

Hal Robson-Kanu. Jem Karacan. Yes. Think it may be too early to say with McCleary. McAnuff... possibly.

didnt perchy get accused of something nefarious, i think he is some latterday craig faganish provocateur

shorey was the cunt i was trying to think of in the 2-3 cap england fullback category

he is incredibly slow, i remember john utaka gaining about 10 yards on him in a short footrace

can i just go back to david fox, not visible enough to qualify for this i agree but surely the most obscure prem squad footballer otherwise?

depends with mcanuff who the glamour beholder is really, champo-levs ought to know him as a realiably flash sod, non-oblivious liverpool fans might recall him for nearly scoring an epic mazy golazo in a cup tie a while back during which sigurdsson excelled

See, I know Fox is definitely ex-Man Utd youth. I could not tell you a single thing about Marc Tierney. Neither of them are obscure as Simon Lappin, though, but he's gone to the Championship now.

SOUTHAMPTON - surprisingly not that many contenders. All the keepers are too prone to madness. Fonte's too handsome, Shaw and Clyne too fun, Richardson, Chaplow, De Ridder, Butterfield, Lee and Fox are unlikely to see a starting line-up anytime soon. Schneiderlin and Cork are too good. Rodriguez would be a contender if he hadn't cost SEVEN MILLION ACTUAL POUNDS.

Steven Davis, though. Archetypal runarounder, not really clear what he actually brings to the team beyond keeping Guly on the bench. 57 caps for Northern Ireland. In.

garath mcleary scored 4 in a single match last year, against leeds too, and at least 3 of them were really very good goals. on that basis alone he's out

STOKE - yeah, I suppose the collectively aggressive unfashionableness of Stoke does kind of counteract any actual unfashionableness of their individual players. Still think a case can be made for Wilkinson... but possibly even more so for Marc Wilson. Plays loads of positions to an OK-ish standard, didn't really stand out at Portsmouth, and I'd actually forgotten he was even at Stoke. Only 3 caps for the Republic of Ireland. Was there some kind of Trapp feud?

i only know tierney for his coming under hansen's derisive scrutiny one time

was more aware of lappin cos it's an unusual name and rabbits are nice and norwich are nice and oh god dont reveal the entire mental process you fool

andy wilkinson owns or used to own a nightclub iirc

possibly the least urbane football player in the world

speaking of stoke, how's this for an unwanted memory swygart. only made the bench at the valley on boxing day, but an amazing EPL career nonetheless: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Higginbotham

SUNDERLAND - ooh.

Simon Mignolet may actually rival Mark Schwarzer in the not-talked-about-at-all stakes. Through Leeds, Sheffield United and Sunderland, no-one has ever found Matthew Kilgallon even slightly exciting. Phil Bardsley. David Vaughan had his glory days at Blackpool, hasn't done that much of note at Sunderland - heck, is Wor Jack keeping him out of the side?

Fraizer Campbell has one England cap. Six goals in 56 appearances for Sunderland. Am I imagining his spell at Spurs? It seems like he had a good season at Hull, and then...

Oh, and Colback. Of course.

SWANSEA - Itay Schechter. Kemy Agustien. Luke Moore. 28 appearances combined, 23 as subs. In. In. In. Lob in Gerhard Tremmel too, he's only been in the side cos Vorm was injured but nine league games should qualify him. Any 34-year-old German keeper with no international calibre to speak of who can get that much action in the Premier League is worth a nod. Garry Monk and Mark Gower haven't featured enough this season to really count.

luke moore has scored a epl hattrick

SPURS - Hmm. The only ones leaping out are Europa League stars Andros Townsend and Tom Carroll, about whom I don't really know enough to say. Oh, and Jake Livermore, maybe. I dunno, you spend this much time around Dmac, you just start assuming everything is Gylfi Sigurdsson's fault.

WEST BROM - Gareth McAuley gets too many good notices to really count, Stephen Reid can kick a football very, very hard, and Ridgewell's too much of an arse. Popov and Tamas both appear to have several caps for Macedonia and Romania respectively, though I'm not sure if that counts for anything anymore. Billy Jones is possibly a good shout...

Wait a second.

MARKUS FUCKING ROSENBERG.

THE SWEDISH STEPHANE GUIV'ARCH, EXCEPT HE HASN'T WON ANYTHING.

10 APPEARANCES. NINE AS SUB. NO GOALS. WE MAY HAVE A CONTENDER.

cmon s-dogg, is danny higginbotham too psychotic for this shit, we the people must know

Higgy's got media work. Automatic DQ.

WEST HAM - Oh, hello Gary O'Neil.

Winston Reid's World Cup heroics put him out of contention. No such problem with Joey O'Brien. Unsure on James Tomkins, sort of has the handsomeness thing going on. Jack Collison probably doesn't count, even though I think he's the feller Kebe did the socks thing to last season.

And last, but not least:

WIGAN - Emmerson Boyce's page on the BBC Sport site has this:

International career totals

Barbados 0 (0) 0 0 0

He's pushing 200 appearances for Wigan now, and only five of those are as a sub. I'm fairly sure all those games would have been in the Premier League too. He also had time at Crystal Palace in the top flight, if I'm remembering rightly. And in all that time, he has been talked about possibly twice on Match of the Day? Maybe?

Ben Watson and David Jones have also been around the Premier League for several hundred years. I'm not sure what either of them do.

Emmerson Orlando Boyce (born 24 September 1979 in Aylesbury) is an English-born professional footballer who has represented Barbados at international level. He is currently a player at A.C. Milan, and usually plays as a right back, but can also play in the centre of defence or at right wing back.

Andros Townsend is a pacey winger which should automatically rule him out. Plus he looks like Lewis Hamilton.

Meet Andros Townsend

FAVOURITE MUSIC: R&B, hip-hop. My iPod is always on shuffle. I certainly don’t listen to Drake, which is a big favourite in most dressing rooms at the moment – it does my head in!

great work itt, but rly if this isn;t hibbert it's osman

some searching shows that Osman managed a remarkable three year run between mid 2006 and mid 2009 in which he played well over a hundred games and received just one ILX mention, but I think autumn years esteem rules him out now.

Ben Watson was once subbed on solely for the purpose of taking a just awarded penalty iirc

non-oblivious liverpool fans might recall him for nearly scoring an epic mazy golazo in a cup tie a while back during which sigurdsson excelled

Tore us to pieces that night.

Once upon a time Lee Cattermole might have filled this role, in his Middlesbrough days before his current thuggish notoriety set in.

Colback to score a hat-trick, get sent off, and french kiss AVB on his way down the tunnel.

Jack Colback on WhoScored

Jack Colback's Style of Play

- Gets fouled often

Oh, and I forgot:

QPR - Hill. Yes. Mackie. Yes. Derry. Possibly (he had a semi-flash phase at Palace once, I think). And maybe Nedum Onuoha.

Radek Cerny would be a contender if he ever played. So would Hogan Ephraim.

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00202/derry2005_202643a.jpg

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Music/Pix/pictures/2008/12/16/DavidPrutton460x276.jpg

Separated at birth obv.

Onuoha played for City for too long to count. QPR in general I reckon are a little too flash, although Clint Hill seems to fashioning an image of One Of The Guys You Can Rely Upon.

you're not supposed to mention clint hill without shaun derry

You've been busy and I'm impressed. Surely Ferreira would be Chelsea's least glam player?

OK he won the CL and has played for Portugal many times but just look at the guy

clint is too glam a name for this regardless of whatever he does

i am slowly settling for chris baird now i think, the solomonic choice between the nakh and wbs formulations

just looked at his wiki page and uhm i thought the person picture was aaron hughes

so yeah, five seasons in the epl playing fairly often, probably the most unprepossessing fulham player and fulham probably the most unprepossessing team relative to their results in recent years

there are worse choices, certainly

oh I didn't realise that Aaron Hughes was a Premier League player before his time at Fulham. Over 400 top level appearances in 16 seasons, now I'm really impressed by his remarkable unremarkableness.

Kevin Friend clearly feels sorry for Villa, two penalties for Wigan in five minutes ignored

Sorry I thought this was th

%

haha

baird scored twice in one game, and has scored at least one belter, not sure about him

op itt is the best thing i've read on football all year and must be worth submitting somewhere that pays

Is Chris Baird really less glam than this guy? I mean, really?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/55/Jack_Colback_2012.jpg/250px-Jack_Colback_2012.jpg

Myself, Local Garda and Swygart spent at least half an hour on the FT pub crawl last night discussing this very question. Other key points:

- Being a Northern Ireland international is less glam than playing for the Republic
- Not getting in the Ireland team is actually more glamorous than being in it, given Trap's disdain for relative flair players like McClean, Hoolahan etc.
- "Can play across the back four or in central midfield" = virtually essential
- There's a thread on the Sunderland forum where a load of fans are getting really angry at Jack Colback for missing the Man City game to be at the birth of his first child. I reckon being in your early 20s and having a stable girlfriend/wife (of whom no pictures exist on the internet) and child helps.
- http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/may/12/jack-colback-sunderland-paul-scholes
- ^^^^ Lol.

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/43995000/jpg/_43995310_baird.jpg

Does look like his mum's cut his hair, in fairness.

On the other hand, Chris Baird has played in a Europa Cup Final against Athletico Madrid and also I think faced Juve and Shaktar. And Fulham are owned by Mohamed Al-Fayed which should really disqualify them from discussion altogether.

Colback otoh is a youth team player whose sole stint anywhere else has been at Ipswich on loan.

this is the issue at hand though, surely baird's candidacy is richer for all the glam that hasnt remotely rubbed off on him compared to colback's bog-standard obscurity

I feel like graduate from the youth team is an important factor. No moves of note, certainly none for proper money. If he has moved, low fee probably less glamorous than outright release. Need he be a local lad? Not sure, but clearly if both lad and team are northern it helps.

I was going to posit that he shouldn't score, but there's an inflection point where no goals turns into a type of francisbenalian celebrity in its own right.

precisely what disqualifies hibbo

well, that and his song to the tune of 'no limit'

This ability to appreciate the bigger picture promises to serve him well, but one shock could still be in store for Colback, his girlfriend, Joanne, and their six-week-old daughter, Lily. "We live in Newcastle, but fortunately I don't get much banter from their fans because I very rarely get recognised," he says. "Pushing the baby in her pram or doing the shopping I'm under the radar."

red headed sunderland player not even notice in sunderland is pretty impressive

in NEWCASTLE

'No Hibbert'? What the hell

jack colback, collecting the kids.

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/51811000/jpg/_51811166_baird226.jpg

oi, oi mate, mate. listen yeah thing is i'm trying to get enough money for a bus to the europa cup final i'm playing in, can i have 20p?... alright, have a good night anyway yeah

impt cross cultural understanding opportunity in hoops land, lads
so not baller

uh if u want the top of the thread
so not baller

small squad sizes militate against this, also the fact half of basketball players like> 6'7 230lbs which makes it hard for them to be unpropossessing

nfl is better cuz there are all of those people who get cut in pre-season for three years running then manage to get a short term contract and do maybe one or two things in their entire career that causes them to be identified individually

you're not supposed to mention clint hill without shaun derry

― things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Saturday, 29 December 2012 13:40 (5 days ago)

/Neil-Warnock-wants-QPRs-Clint-Hill-and-Shaun-Derry-at-Leeds.html

http://twitter.com/tattoobaron/status/247701615757373440

Disqualified.

http://i.imgur.com/C9ixezf.jpg

:)

skimming through this it seems that adam le fondre is the least glam epl player of the month winner since marcus bent in 2002 at the very latest

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premier_League_Player_of_the_Month

April 	1997 	 Ireland 	Mickey Evans 	Southampton 	FW 	[13]

don't even know who that is

hahaha i totally forgot we won two in a row

summer 2005, greatest ashes series, me packed off to uni, it all promised so much

that was during a barely plausible stretch of 18 months with only one non-english winner, a whole series of vermin like nolan, bent, twp, terry etc

they seem to be more honest now cuz there wasn't a single english winner last year

Anton fucking Ferdinand!!

In October 2006, Ferdinand was arrested on assault charges following a fracas outside a nightclub in Ilford. He was charged in November 2006.[32] He appeared at Snaresbrook Crown Court on 12 November 2007 charged with assault occasioning actual bodily harm and affray, arising from this incident. It was alleged that Ferdinand had punched Emile Walker. In his defence, Ferdinand said he had feared he was going to be robbed of his £64,000 watch and was defending himself.[33] On 20 November 2007, Ferdinand was acquitted as the jury accepted he was acting in self-defence.[34]

The 23-year-old West Ham centre-back is expected to complete the £8m transfer today after yesterday's medical and Keane was happy to give an insight into how he persuaded his ninth signing of the summer to move to the Stadium of Light.

"There is no reason why he can't go on and become a top, top player. I think he has an international future," said Sunderland's manager. "He has played over 150 games and we're on about players with a bit of experience so, for all his rawness, he has a few games under his belt. He knows the Premiership, he is English, it's a good price, so it suits everyone.

MICKEY EVANS! Ah, one of my favourite Saints players for a time given his knack of scoring by shoving his forehead right into the firing line. I fondly recall one goal (not sure against who, possibly West Ham? Think Miklosko was in goal) which was him nodding in a corner from maybe two yards, then crashing into the post. Then Miklosko goes into the post. And then Mickey (impervious to goalposts) heads off to celebrate with the team, but Francis Benali runs into the post while trying to join in.

I'm fairly sure I'm not making this up.

(There are so many ex-Saints players who'd be all-timers on this thread, probably none more than Simon Charlton)

In May 2012, he appeared for and captained the Sealand national football team in a match against the Chagos Islands. The match was held at the grounds of Godalming Town.[13]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/17981522

February 2004 Brazil Edu† Arsenal MF [23]
March 2004 Finland Mikael Forssell Birmingham City FW [23]

I cannot remember what happened in football during these two months, but... hmm.

Scoring for fun iirc

edu was a fine player, forssell was hyped a lot in his chelsea days but i never realized he scored 17 epl goals for birmingham that season

Edu's penchant for scoring important goals covered a pretty average player who only gained any consistency on his way out the door iirc

Forssell was lethal as a 17-8 year old, he was the new solskjaer but from 20 yards

Alex Manninger!

"Manninger ably covered for him, enjoying a spell of six clean sheets in a row in the league, a joint club record. The last of these was against Manchester United at Old Trafford, where Arsenal won 1–0. In March 1998, he was named Premier League Player of the Month"

He was great during that whole title run-in iirc.

That 2003-04 season was the first year of Abramovich madness, when they signed Crespo and Mutu. Then sent Forssell out to Birmingham where he comfortably outscored every Chelsea player. Happy times.

He was the Lukaku of his day. Oh look, Veron!

2001-present day LFC's only winners Gerrard and Torres. Suarez wants to up his game, even Danny Murphy has had better months than him.

Odemwingie's won this 3 times! No wonder he wants a pay rise.

Jack Colback has orange boots. I am confused.

Joey O'Brien

just realized he isn't andy o'brien's brother

Yerman who scored for wba today

http://i.imgur.com/xOd1Y2C.jpg

gave good interview after the game imo

Ben Watson (footballer born July 1985)

lol i love how his name is so ordinary that not only does it have to be disambiguated by year but by month too

Sunderland midfielder Jack Colback has rejected the offer of a contract extension, meaning the 23-year old – who has a year left on his current deal – now likely to be sold in the summer to avoid the possibility of him leaving on a free.

upping his glam factor

midfielder

http://i.imgur.com/JbwjtIU.png

loool at change image in op

unless... that was always there and i never noticed

I read through WBS's original post and thought "Aaron Hughes, never heard of him", then scrolled down a bit further to see that I'd posted "Aaron Hughes, never heard of him". I'll be back on the opening day of the season with the same thought.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/10/17/article-2465285-18CBAF6F00000578-459_634x429.jpg

Jonathan Wilson ‏@jonawils 1h

Why on earth was Crystal Palace v Sunderland the 3rd most watched Prem game on US TV so far this season?

Jonathan Wilson ‏@jonawils 1h

Labour day weekend (+ Altidore + ko time) seems the most plausible explanation; Jack Colback's US fan club the least.

if jack colback is going to become the new lol emile heskey signs for real madrid retarded bantz glam/antiglam ting then maybe it's time to anoint another

hope he has a really good season as poyet gets sunderland to a resoundlingly emphatic 14th in the epl and then signs for chelsea for £5m, playing 14 games in three years and just getting abused by get involved commenters for picking up his 50 grand a week

http://twitter.com/tattoobaron/status/247701615757373440

― r|t|c, Friday, 4 January 2013 22:05 (10 months ago) Bookmark

just a reminder that this is now belongs to the manager of a professional football club

http://i.imgur.com/AGGwNFx.png

GOAL! Cardiff 2-2 Sunderland (Colback, 90min+5)

Sunderland equalise with what must be the final kick of the match!

The little beauty. Had 17-1 treble that ended with Cardiff and Sunderland drawing.

It has been a year.

http://www.premierleague.com/content/dam/premierleague/shared-images/matches/2013-2014/epl/cardiff/cardiff-vs-sunderland/action-images/car-sun-1314-281213-ps23.jpg

It is time to ask:

Is Jack Colback still the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

Now Jack is cool enough to be acknowledged by Manny Giaccherini and Ki-Sung Yeung, not to mention get zinged by goalpost enthusiast Jonathan Wilson, is he still the anti-glammest of the anti-glam? (Yes, I'm aware some of us think Chris Baird is less glam, but he's at Reading now. Which admittedly is probably actually less glam, but they're in the Championship now, so his benchmarks for anti-glam are significantly stiffer now. Like Simon Gillett levels of anti-glam)

Let's club-by-club this business. There's a fair few new contenders...

ARSENAL

...but not really here so much. I mean, Kieron Gibbs? Maybe? Does anyone ever really think about Kieron Gibbs? Do we actually know that Kieron Gibbs is good or just that he's not worse than lots of other people?

Nah, there's nothing for us here, really. Not even Nacho Monreal.

(Checking that image again, Giaccherini isn't really looking at Jack, so that's some ordinariness restored)

ASTON VILLA

Now it begins.

I'm checking this off against the Fantasy Premier League squad lists, and it turns out Ciaran Clark is Villa's most valuable defender. Who knew? So that's probably him off the list, I guess.

The Lambert youthmass does throw up some other contenders though. Nathan Baker, for instance, is mainly notable for not being Ciaran Clark. No-one seems entirely sure what the point of Alex Tonev is. Or Yacouba Sylla. Nicklas Helenius could be a contender if he'd played more, since he's both neither Libor Kozak nor Andreas Cornelius. But then there's the thing where he got pantsed by Vertonghen. Oh well. Karin El Ahmadi it is, then.

El Ahmadi was Dutch Esquire's most fashionable footballer of 2012 so shouldn't really be a contender.

He looks like the kind of person who would hang out with Seal.

CARDIFF CITY

Being overshadowed by others is a key attribute of the non-glam, and the recent Cardiff shenanigans have done a very good job of making the club's actual players even less discussed than before. Peter Whittingham is one of Cardiff's biggest names. So is Jordon Mutch. That is how glam Cardiff aren't.

So then:

Ben Turner - a hulking ex-Coventry centre-back who I believe has been ever-present this season but who is only responsible for four of the top 10 image hits for his name on Google image search, the other six belonging to an actor off of Casualty. None of those images are of him in Cardiff's current kit.

Andrew Taylor - once upon a time not so very long ago, the mere fact of being an English dude in the top flight who could play at left-back would be enough to put you in the international caps conversation. Unfortunately for this Middlesbrough academy product (*tick*), that is no longer the case. Even more GIS-challenged than Turner, with three of his first four image hits featuring him in Boro's kit. He hasn't played for them since 2011.

Don Cowie - quite good on Football Manager. Probably first top-flight player since Don Hutchison to be called Don. Ex-Caley Thistle and Watford.

Craig Noone and Declan John probably haven't figured enough to discuss here, but could be worth a look at in future (though Noone, if I remember right, is an ex-proper job-haver, which I think disqualifies him as it means he could very feasibly be given the full-page interview treatment in The Guardian at some point)

Kevin Theophile-Catherine's fantastic name totally riles him out, but I feel it should definitely be pointed out that he has a really fantastic name. Even typing it makes me feel slightly minty.

CHELSEA

Nope. Not even fifth-choice England left-back Ryan Bertrand.

http://i.imgur.com/61iIGoC.jpg

CRYSTAL PALACE

And here's the game-changers.

Firstly, let us consider the phenomenon of "Look at Chamakh here", the phrase that nearly every pundit seems to reach for when asked to diagnose Palace's ills. Whether it be wearing non-black boots, having inexplicable hair, or not doing Danny Gabbidon's job for him, it feels as though everything that's gone wrong for Palace this season has been laid at the doorstep of Marouane Chamakh, meaning more or less all other Palace players tend to get completely ignored in yr mainstream medias.

Then there's the small matter of Palace's astonishingly awful summer transfer window, in which they tried to bolster their Championship squad by bringing in so many other Championship players that Fantasy Premier League's Palace player list contains at least four people who didn't make Palace's final 25-man squad. Poor Florian Marange's picture has had to be taken from his time at Bordeaux, so remote are his chances of actually playing for Palace in the Premier League this season (NON-GLAM FACT: Florian Marange is still more expensive than Nathan Baker in Fantasy PL).

This means there's a whole bunch of players in their squad you might not have realised were actually at Palace. Jerome Thomas, for instance. Jimmy Kebe. Adlene Guedioura. Elliott Grandin. Adrian Mariappa.

But three figures tower o'er all these in the non-glam stakes:

Joel Ward - ex-Portsmouth academy product who appears to be carving out a career as a young English top flight right-back without anyone noticing. Given the season Kyle Walker's having, that takes doing.

Damien Delaney - a 32-year-old Cork-born centre-back with eight whole caps for the Republic of Ireland (comparison: Sean St Ledger has 36). Has played in all but one of Palace's games this season.

And then, this guy:

http://www.c-palace.org/images/players/stuartokeefe_2012.jpg

Who I think might just be a contender for the whole damn thing. So much so I'm gonna let you tell me about him.

(clue: it's not Dean Moxey. Or Steve Morison)

EVERTON

Tony Hibbert has yet to feature for Everton in the Premier League this season.

Walkers had a resurgence of late tbh but kiu otherwise

FULHAM

"Look at Berbatov here."

Anyway, much as I'm still not exactly sure who Patjim Kasami (automatically disqualified for That Goal), Ashkan Dejagah or Alex Kacaniklic are, there's one name that truly stands out:

http://www.wallcrazy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/aaron-hughes.jpg

I know we've talked about him upthread, but let us consider that ol' Aaron is now in his 16th season of being a solidly 6.7 top flight player. 88 Northern Irish caps, 1 goal (against the Faroe Islands). Retired from international football in 2011, only to go back on that decision the following year.

Best of all, these sentences from Wiki:

Hughes is able to play centre back, right back or left back, as well as anywhere in midfield.

Hughes is renowned for his disciplined defending, as he holds a record of making over 400 Premier League appearances without getting sent off, which is the third most in the history of the league.

13 games for Fulham so far this season. Roll on, sir.

HULL CITY

...WHO THE FUCK IS "DAVID MEYLER"?...

― r|t|c, Friday, 28 December 2012 18:10 (1 year ago)

Well, yes.

Despite being easily the most successful of the newlypromoteds, Hull still have plenty of "Did you know?" players in their midst. For instance, did you know Abdoulaye Faye was still in the Premier League? Or Liam Rosenior? Heck, did Liam Rosenior ever leave? Wasn't he at Reading or Fulham or both or something?

James Chester would have been a contender till his goal scoring exploits at both ends against Man Utd. Alex Bruce ticks loads of boxes but is much too well known for being his manager's son. Danny Graham was quite good at Swansea (for a bit) and is now much too well known for not scoring. Elmohamady is in the title sequence for Final Score. George Boyd has probably been too good for too long outside the top flight to be considered.

Robbie Brady... Hmm. Does anyone ever think about Robert Koren?

In November Steve Bruce announced that Aluko denied a contract extension, this blow to Hull came shortly after Aluko tore his Achilles again which would see him out of action until February.

believe the word is "chutzpah"

LIVERPOOL

Not really.

MANCHESTER CITY

Did you know Jack Rodwell exists?

MANCHESTER UNITED

Alex Buttner wouldn't get in Southampton's first team. But no, not really in the conversation here.

xp - dammit, how did I forget Aluko? The only Premier League player whose sister is probably a more famous footballer than they are...

Players' presence in fantasy could be a helpful measurement here eg. Ben Turner has quite the following in the fantasy community, even awarded the nickname "burner" (admittedly primarily to differentiate him from Norwich's Michael Turner (aka "murner"). James Chester too, even before the Utd game.

xp I don't really think Aluko is least glamorous - he's potentially a glamour player for City fans at least if he ever turns up in the Prem and does anything - but that's some fantastic cojones refusing the contract extension

Kieron Gibbs? Maybe? Does anyone ever really think about Kieron Gibbs? Do we actually know that Kieron Gibbs is good or just that he's not worse than lots of other people?

Nah, there's nothing for us here, really. Not even Nacho Monreal.

― William Bloody Swygart, Saturday, 28 December 2013 23:08 Bookmark

i know what you mean but gibbs' various eye-catching defensive lassitudes keep him in 'the conversation' and therefore ineligible

the true wearer of that partic crown imo is CHRIS SMALLING who despite international footballer status has kept very shtoom all this while and suggested nothing to betray the suspicion he is some sort of elaborate subtler-than-bebe tax dodge

going to pre-empt the spurs write-up by noting that my favourite 26 year old career reserve team curio "simon dawkins" is belatedly turning out to be a real terror in the champo for derby this season

guessing the mystery eagle is i-can't-remember-your-name-but-let's-try-"john-joe" o'keefe

who iirc has only fleetingly surfaced this glamour season and not ever in the championship?

aha half a coconut for me

who names their kid stuart srsly

great find for the wiki thread tho...

LIVERPOOL

Not really.

Brad Smith

You mean Brad Jones? I'm tending to just include players who get games, cos it's kind of cheating including substitute keepers. Ross Turnbull used to be at Chelsea and he's miles less glam than big Brad, as is Richard Wright at Man City, Rob Elliott at Newcastle, Stephen Henderson at West Ham, and Norwich's stunningly unnecessary double-bill of Mark Bunn and Carlo Nash.

Anyway:

NEWCASTLE UNITED

Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm. Now, Newcastle's recent upsurge, along with their various quality buys from overseas, should mean they've not many contenders here. But what with the majority of said buys being French, that means they've all kind of been lumped together as 'Newcastle's French legion' or, using the term I prefer because I've just come up with it, 'Alan Pardew's Moulin Rouge'. This means that many of them find glam a bit harder to come by than they possibly ought to - Yoan Gouffran, for instance, is having a quality season, but keeps getting overlooked so people can praise Loic Remy instead, on account of they can remember Loic Remy's name and he was Newcastle's only summer signing, thus highlighting him gives them an opportunity to reflect on the genius of Pards. Or something.

Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa - is the fact I keep subconsciously hearing his name in Guy Mowbray's voice a case for or against his glamness? Bearing in mind there aren't really any commentators' voices you'd particularly associate with Ya Kid Colback.

Anyway, this all just seems a bit quibble in the face of Newky's proper anti-glam don - professional lummox Mike Williamson. He's stodged along unnoticed at the heart of United's defence for most of this season, and has yet to receive any hint of being considered for international duty despite being a English centre-back getting regular games at a top-half club. Now, that's largely cos he's not very good, but it does suggest a fairly decent ability to repel the limelight too. I don't think Newcastle have any serious contenders here, but he seems the best of the bunch.

NORWICH CITY

Man, where to start... Seb Bassong is pretty much the only regular member of Norwich's defensive unit you wouldn't consider on this thread, and that's because he used to play for Spurs. What is Stephen Whittaker? Was Martin Olsson actually more glam when he played for Blackburn? Is Russell Martin the only player who could rightly lay claim to the title of 'this generation's Graeme Murty?' Ryan Bennett used to captain Grimsby Town, you know. I think he's still under 23.

It gets somewhat more glam when one moves further up the pitch, mind, albeit that the major legacy of Norwich's Movember drive is that Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson now appear to be twins. Both probably too well-known for this, as is noted horse trader Leroy Fer. Unsure about Jonny Howson, who may or may not be the Premier League's second Yorkshire-est man behind Milner. Johan Elmander definitely doesn't count, albeit it's quite easy to forget he's at Norwich and is getting a hell of lot more play than Ricky van Wolfswinkel.

MAURICIO POCHETTINO'S PRETTY, PRETTY BOYS

Ladies and gents, Calum 'Views are my own' Chambers.

That said, Northern Ireland captain Steven Davis remains the least glam Saints regular by a distance, though I'm unsure if his newfound ability to keep Uruguayan fancy man Gaston Ramirez out of the side adds to or detracts from this.

Surnames deriving from common first names an important weapon in the armoury of the truly non-glam

Brad Smith just made his debut yesterday. One to watch though

Who was the young Danish guy on for Cardiff?

Andreas Cornelius?

Yeah. I think that's him.

£8.5m striker whose purchase arguably cost Iain Moody and Malky Mackay their jobs? Yeah, he ain't on this thread.

he also looks sort of glamorous in a provincial danish sort of fashion

nicklas helenius is one of those penumbral nonglams who will always be occluded by cornelius and will also always be not kozak who is himself not benteke

However:

STOKE CITY

*sniffs air contentedly*

Ah, the land of the utility men. Running around, doing a job... Yep, this is prime anti-glam territory. Hey there, Marc Wilson. 'Sup, Geoff "All-American Greg Halford" Cameron. Erik Pieters, he could probably fill in in the holding role, I guess. Can anyone remember a time before Steven N'Zonzi and Glenn Whelan?

More FPL goodies: they reckon Jon Walters is both a midfielder and Stoke's most valuable player. They also believe Stoke only have two strikers, and one of them is Kenwyne Jones.

is wilkinson still there

andy i think is the forename

Aye, but he's not really been seen this season.

And in any case:

SUNDERLAND

This thread has an appointment with Paolo Di Canio's legacy.

Sunderland were probably the only club whose transfer window rivalled Palace's for incomprehensibility, as Paolo ushered in wave upon wave of players who may or may not be FM regens. Unfortunately, the likes of David Moberg Karlsson, Charalampos Mavrias and "Cabral" haven't actually seen much action so far, but we still have Ondrej Celustka and Valentin Roberge to conjure with. Particularly excited by Roberge, who appears to be the kind of classically gifted defender whose entire game plan involves getting outpaced, lunging in and then vigorously wagging his finger at the referee.

But of course, the man we're all here for is still wor Jack. Since this thread began, Colbs started carving out a niche for himself at left-back, then spent some time on the bench, then back to midfield, then bench again, and then last weekend, he crystallised: a last-minute equalising goal that went in via a hefty deflection off Steven Caulker's arse, and which MOTD marked by immediately cutting to Steven Fletcher's face. Jack celebrated his goal by running to the corner with the rest of the team and attempting to kick an advertising hoarding. It was hard to tell, but I think he missed.

Colback is our favourite because Colback endures. Whenever Sunderland need a lad to do a job - and Sunderland will always, always need a lad to do a job - he will be there. Unless they go down, in which case I think he will be legally obliged to sign for Fulham.

SWANSEA CITY

Hmm. Swansea are the reigning champs of the semi-obscure import game, which unfortunately means I'm not quite sure if I should have heard of, say, Jose Canas, or Alvaro, or Alex Pozuelo, or Jordi Amat. I think we're on safe ground with Gerhard Tremmel (who gets a solid amount of action for a nominal second-choice keeper), Dwight Tiendalli and Roland Lamah; Britton, Rangel and Monk have too much of that started-at-the-bottom glam to count. Unsure if Neil Taylor counts; he was pretty hyped before Ben Davies usurped him as Swansea/Wales's hottest young left-back prospect (a conversation Cardiff's Declan John might find himself in one day).

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

Yes, Spurs bought lots and lots of people, but they were all very, very expensive and therefore none of them count. Not even Chadli.

The only person even vaguely in the orbit of this thread is Danny Rose, and he is nowhere fucking near the orbit of this thread.

WEST BROMWICH ALBION

If Morgan Amalfitano hadn't scored that really good goal against Man Utd, he'd be on here like a shot. Anichebe, Ridgewell too well known, Gabriel Tamas, Markus Rosenberg and Goran Popov have fallen off the radar; I'm not really sure where to stand on McAuley and Olsson, who have a kind of thrillingly understated consistency to their partnership - like the Nelsen and Samba de nos jours, except not really as good. Yacob is probably too good for inclusion. And everyone loves Zoltan Gera, don't they?

Which I think leaves us with Billy Jones, a player that I don't think anyone notices, ever, even with his perm. He looked alright in the highlights of West Brom's last game, pootling off down the right flank, doing the odd stepover, that kind of thing.

Oh, and James Morrison. Forced out of the top 50 GIS results for his name by the very, very mediocre singer songwriter of the same name. Poor sod.

maybe he should go by Jim

Harry kane is reasonable imo

Fucking hell, it's past midnight. Oh well, just the one left, and it's quite a big one:

WEST HAM UNITED

James Collins! He isn't Danny Collins!

Joey O'Brien! He isn't Andy O'Brien, plus he looks like a Bond villain's henchman!

Mostly, though, Modibo Maiga. As I think I said near top of thread, the striker who does not sodding score is a very special type of anti-glam, and Maiga's lack of shine is added to by spending most of this season as the lone striking representative of one of the most notoriously goal-averse sides in the top flight, and yet somehow their lack of goals was never pinned on him. Pretty much right up til last weekend, when he scored a Sensible Soccer aftertouch special against West Brom, I'm not sure anyone had noticed Maiga existed, a situation probably not helped by Allardyce often choosing to play no strikers rather than take a punt on Maiga - the player who's not even sufficiently noteworthy to make up the numbers.

Isn't Kane permanently on loan, though, like Simon Dawkins except presumably younger?

Harry is 26 and likes digestives

http://www.football365.com/tottenham-hotspur/9100362/Transfer-news-Derby-sign-Tottenham-midfielder-Simon-Dawkins

jinx

FA Cup confirms existence of El-Hadji Ba

albeit that the major legacy of Norwich's Movember drive is that Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson now appear to be twins

― William Bloody Swygart, Monday, 30 December 2013 18:22 Bookmark

ha they obv hatched this plot cos of the murphys

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2324979/Norwichs-twin-wingers-Josh-Jacob-Murphy-ready-cause-havoc-Premier-League.html

tonight steed malbranque was playing for lyon vs psg in the league cup final, formerly perhaps the least glam actually good fitba player in the mid 2000s epl and one of the best non-internationals of his day

quite incongruously non-glam at the age of 34 at the stade de france sharing the field with cavani, thiago silva etc, non-glamness exacerbated by lyon have veolia as shirt sponsors and malbranque ambling about the place looking like he might have spent the last half decade clearing up fly tips

now there's a fucking name

always twinned him with sylvain legwinski in my head, but the latter was less good (although possibly even less glam)

colback is out of contract in the summer

going rate for an epl proven versatile midfielder/utility drone on a free transfer probably £50k a week at least?

steve sidwell got £50k a week from chelsea seven years ago when he signed on a free transfer during that brief period where they espoused parsimony and filled the squad with tat like him, pizarro and ben haim

also i'm captivated by felix magath's interviews at the moment, with his womblish demeanour, faultless politeness and surprisingly good english, he couldn't possibly appear less glam or risqué for a former golden era west germany attacking midfielder, ex-bundesliga winning manager and supposed dictatorial lunatic

he is verging on ASMR territory

(fwiw I've diced with ASMR Begovic as a display name but it doesn't quite work)

i have decided never to wiki who william kvist is

steed malbranque apparently named by his parents on account of looking like a very english baby & the avengers being the chief english cultural touchstone in belgium in the 70s, idk

yesterday I learned that Kvist has won Danish player of the year twice.

Russell Martin is now Norwich captain, with 70+ premier league games and 11 Scotland caps. I couldn't pick him out of a line-up.

Martin remarked before a game against Croatia in June 2013 that he was not recognised by Scottish taxi drivers transporting him for Scotland matches.[17]

I think the taxi driver test is a good benchmark - anonymous cab rides are never going to get Jim Whyte shouting about you on Transfer Deadline Day.

April 1997 Ireland Mickey Evans Southampton FW [13]
don't even know who that is

― every soulless meta poster is a ✰ (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Thursday, 7 February 2013 00:05 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

His solitary cap:

"Michael James Evans for Tony Cascarino (85 mins)"

Transfer fees at £600k then £750k then dwindling away to £0.

An entire career of hardly ever scoring and never scoring against anyone good with that one month featuring four goals (vs Forest, West Ham and Coventry) getting him the POTM award.

Ongoing shitness being put down to a previously undiagnosed "asthmatic-related complaint".

He attended St Boniface's Catholic College and played Junior football for Prince Rock Youth during his schools days.[citation needed] He is nicknamed "Trigger" after a character from Only Fools and Horses.

GISed russell martin and im fairly surely ive never seen him before

probably watched four of five norwich games in which he has played

rip

lol

tgp

otm

http://felixkeith.wordpress.com/2014/10/29/the-premier-leagues-most-unremarkable-players/

took me a while to find this thread because i'd forgotten jack colback's name

http://i.imgur.com/EPSrX2U.jpg

is there an epl player with the accomplishments and current standing of gary cahill who is as determinedly nonglam

hes probably in the top 10 central defenders in the world, misrecognised as a big rather than as a koscielny type nippy recovery cb

Don't forget Gary Cahill!

― the funk soul custos (country matters), Sunday, June 28, 2009 12:45 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

Gary Cahill @GaryJCahill · Apr 18

Great training session today, massive few weeks coming up - bring it on!#ComeOnYouBlues #CFC

thats p much as interesting as his social media presence gets

ordinary bloke doing a job

...which involves being a subtle & talented reader of play & a man with fairly high responsibility for a champions league win

It's his name, plus his really quite lengthy apprenticeship at decidedly unglamorous places like Villa and Bolton and Burnley. The idea of him ending up winning a Champions League medal and being a first team regular at Chelsea seemed entirely preposterous until the moment when it actually happened.

Full name Craig Dawson[1]

Prior to becoming a professional footballer, Dawson worked as a glass collector at his local pub, while playing for a local team called Rochdale St Clements.[2]

john carver doing what he can to add a bit of intrigue to perennial non-glam contender mike williamson

http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/onesport/cps/480/cpsprodpb/11DC7/production/_89895137_pe_00609529.jpg

Euro 2016 beats everything - NI's Baird
Northern Ireland midfielder Chris Baird says playing in Euro 2016 "beats everything" in his 78-cap international career.

Meanwhile Krul’s friend Jack Colback has been informed he will be sent to train with the academy players if he does not agree a move away from St James’. Unwanted by Benitez the midfielder saw a loan move to Wolves break down last night. Colback wants to stay in the north east and has been offered to Sunderland, his old club and Middlesbrough. Sunderland have said they do not want him, Middlesbrough appear lukewarm. Hull would like him on loan but Colback would prefer to stay closer to home.

ah well then fuck him

Joke Callback

haha!

A fucking team full of them tbh

Horrible thought

Is this what we'd be like without eriksen

it works well as ambient tv tbh

except for the cunt with the trumpet, obv