fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend

don't they suck? if anyone cares to share their traumatic experiences, feel free. it would help me out, that's for sure. not that i got into fights often--but when it happens, it happens.

(i think i'm destined for a trip to Williams Sonoma today to truck home a massive load of i'm a jerk gifts)

they do suck, you have my sympathies. While I don't care to share any specifics, I will say that one thing about marriage is that over time you kind of learn that it's ok to fight and that you'll likely resolve things later. This in turn leads to being less worked up about the fight, which, in turn, often makes the fight itself a lot less severe.

Like our fights are so much less bad now that I've realized that I don't have to freak out that we are fighting about something -- which would in turn just get me more wound up and more defensive and intensify the fight.

same. it's gotten better. just had a moment of relapse recently...

they suck so much

ime it is often best for me to say "you know what i can't talk about this right now" and eventually i come around and am able to hear what my partner is saying

yes, they suck hard, but if your bf/gf violates your personal boundary, it is necessary to correct them. ime, big fights happen when your partner refuses to honor the boundaries you set and fails to understand or acknowledge their importance. giving in too quickly or easily will have very unfortunate consequences. once you've accepted unacceptable boundaries, changing their location looks to your partner like a treacherous betrayal of established norms.

relationships are hard.

but if your bf/gf violates your personal boundary, it is necessary to correct them

o_O

yes, they suck hard, but if your bf/gf violates your personal boundary, it is necessary to correct them. ime, big fights happen when your partner refuses to honor the boundaries you set and fails to understand or acknowledge their importance. giving in too quickly or easily will have very unfortunate consequences. once you've accepted unacceptable boundaries, changing their location looks to your partner like a treacherous betrayal of established norms.

relationships are hard.

― A is for (Aimless), Monday, March 12, 2018 3:02 PM (six minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

that's true but tbh sometimes i'm just being a selfish dick

Classic.

Or no wait, not 'classic', what's the word for 'a thing that's so stress-inducing that it's probably shaved several cumulative years off of my life'? Because that.

once you both have a fair idea of what (if anything) is worth fighting over and how badly (if at all) you are allowed to behave while upset and what (if any) steps are involved in repairing the damage (if any) then these arent fun as such but theyre not 100% avoidable

its injured silences thatll kill you

sometimes i'm just being a selfish dick

then it's on you to hear that from the aggrieved party and apologize.

Oh god, my ex and I used to get into the worst fights. She pulled a knife on me in one of them. We kept dating for over a year after that.

ie man alive otm

xp woah

twas only my mum ever pulled an actual knife on me, rad

Had I been older/smarter (I was about 19 at the time) I'd have just tried to de-escalate from there but my brain said "she has a knife, you better also get a knife son" and then all of a sudden we both had knives. (No one was injured.)

jeez

~romance~

holy shit damn

pvmnic

Whenever my wife pulls a knife on me I just quote cider house rules. That usually settles things down and leads to passionate make-up sex.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQbhUyx8sEA&t=19s

once you both have a fair idea of what (if anything) is worth fighting over and how badly (if at all) you are allowed to behave while upset and what (if any) steps are involved in repairing the damage (if any) then these arent fun as such but theyre not 100% avoidable

its injured silences thatll kill you

― the clodding of the american mind (darraghmac), Monday, March 12, 2018 7:13 PM (fifteen minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ding ding ding

(@1:33)

xp

xxp - i would have thought that knife thing was so hot and exciting when I was that age

I feel really bad for laughing at that train of thought Simon, but I hope you really did conclude your inner monologue with "son"

maybe that was my problem with a specific relationship, I just didn't understand that theatrics were supposed to be "hot"

the only screamer weve ever had was over vacuuming while snoozing nothing else has ever mattered that much

hahaha yeah mine tend to be a bout STUPID SHIT. like this last one was about dining out. how....dumb. but yes, the injured silence bit hits home cuz i'd rather be trivial and get it out than live a quiet life of misery ffs.

glad i'm not alone here...

My parents have what looks to me like a preternaturally secure relationship and I also grew up with them raising their voices/getting testy at each other not infrequently, which I wouldn’t say I think I should emulate but it does take some of the sting out of a fight to have that in my background.

i would have thought that knife thing was so hot and exciting when I was that age

yeah no it was the product of a LOT of issues both within and the beyond the relationship that were going on at the time, I assure you it was not even a little bit hot

Gah damn. Violence or intimations thereof would be an absolute instantaneous dealbreaker for me. Glad as hell I've never had to deal with that, sympathies to anyone who has.

vacuuming while snoozing is very serious and a violation of respect imo

I envy silby a bit, my upbringing made me think that arguments that were even a little heated meant there were serious issues at play or acting out emotionally was a deep personal failing

tbh in retrospect this may have been a lot of projection on my part

physical fights are never a good thing

i can deal with some light verbal arguments and it depends on whether or not i can let them go

if i can't i move on

i have been with too many women who like to argue, have massive fights, can't really accept things for what they are, yet still want to date. this is like the dumbest thing a person can ever do yet i see people in this type of relationship all the time

i literally just gtfo in a snap

Yeah don’t stay with anyone capable of even threatening violence is a good rule imo xp

btw "passionate make-up sex" is something i have never known, it is likely to be bullshit

i need to learn how to gtfo of an argument in a snap when i KNOW it is just going nowhere fast and looping. at least be like "ok this is clearly spiraling, let's hit pause"

seems so easy? ...

it takes two to argue

the dumbest dynamic I ever experienced was an ex who would storm off and shut the bedroom door, and would insist it was so she'd have some space to think and cool off. but if I didn't try to talk to her through the door, she'd get angrier!

I was willing to give it a try, like sure, you go cool off and I'll go for a walk and we'll speak about it when I get back. But no, I said I was going for a walk and hadn't even made it out of the building before I got an angry phone call

some people are impossible, don't date those people if you can help it

i don't do drama

i don't do boyfriends, either, which makes it easy

hey surm i didnt say stupid shit i said vacuuming while napping ie very serious fuckin shit

xp mh my man

some people are impossible, don't date those people if you can help it

(some of you sound like my parents, may they rest in quiet)

I've taken Simon's advice there a little too literally and tbh going it solo has its ups and downs too

or maybe, one might say, no up/down action

tbh going it solo has its ups and downs too

having done it for over a decade, this is def true, but it still feels preferable to the alternative

anyway that's enough on that subject from me, this isn't the volcel thread

Simon, my man

tbh we could make a great thread of "arguments you had because you didn't want to say a specific thing or were withholding information"

there are some really funny dumb arguments when you just don't want to admit something

Hello this most pertinent of threads. I broke up with my partner of almost a year just the other day and it was because of fighting. On the whole we got on great but we would also fight, usually about once a week. it didn't help that we work in the same office so there would be that resentful period of silence, except right there in front of each other. the fights were fairly frequent, as I say, and often about the same thing (certain trust issues on her part leading to insecurity, which in turn made me feel distrusted and insecure).
slowly but surely an alarm began to ring in my head and it slowly dawned on me that this was taking its toll on my wellbeing. I was spending half the week in relative happiness and the other half stressed out and contemplative.
It's been a really hard few days. I keep questioning whether we could have made it work, sorted out our differences? was it asking too much not to argue as much? would it have been possible to see each others POV if we'd stayed together or would sensitivity have stopped us being able to get our points across? is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?
anyway, I'm sad and regretful about it and I know she is too. strange that this thread popped up today.

only thing id note is that all other long-term (i wont say successful tbh) couples i know fight very differently to any other so it would seem theres little use in doing what anyone else says

xp sorry to hear that dl

dog latin sorry to hear

is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?

It doesn't sound as if the fights were improving anything or getting much of anything sorted out or solved. In which case, you may be overestimating your compatibility. A continuing toll on your well-being is a high price to pay.

is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?

This is a question I've gotten a lot (as the ever-singleton I am generally the one to hear about people's relationship woes) and I agree with dmac - maybe counselling would be something to consider if you both want to give it another try down the line?

dog latin, i feel for you--hang in there and glad maybe you can post on this thread if that helps.

relationships are seriously never clean cut. always so many questions. and a mix of emotions.

one might argue that, if you dislike arguments, constantly arguing is perhaps an indicator that you don't get on well

sorry to hear that, dl

Either way, try not to beat yourself up too much over the decision. (Aimless also otm) xxp

xp oh don't get me wrong, I don't like arguments but I'm far from the most chilled and placid person.

same. which is what ends up being my downfall -- the argument turns into an internal argument with myself about what i should/shouldn't be saying.

i think an important thing is whether or not they get less frequent/intense with time, as man alive was saying. if it's every week, that's p damn draining.

i really hate fights in a relationship and how often they just seem to be outlets for general resentment and hostility that remains under the surface the rest of the time. i respond really badly to someone raising their voice to me, or chiding me, or just in general being unpleasant, which leads me to just storm off or whatever when a fight happens, which sadly doesn't do anything to diffuse things and might even exacerbate shit.

i am suddenly glad to be single and in a casual dating situation which i assume is immune to the kind of arguments that long-term, cohabiting romantic partners encounter.

Well arguably (lol) they did like they were chilling a little bit. we had one bad one about a month ago and agreed that first off we weren't against each other, and second off we acknowledged how important it is to pick your battles. Still ended up arguing again though.
I guess a big part of it was resentment on my part at the amount of time this would the up. the actual arguments would last maybe an hour, but the contemplation, the soul searching, the misplaced sense of guilt, could take days to dissipate.

you had time for them to dissipate before the next argument? sounds nice

i really hate fights in a relationship and how often they just seem to be outlets for general resentment and hostility that remains under the surface the rest of the time

healthy imo!

if you have resentment or hostility you can talk about them without fighting

I have been in the same relationship for 26 years now. It was pretty chill for the first 10 but after we had a kid with autism and just before the period she had a misdiagnosis of bell's palsy (which turned out to be MS) we hit some very choppy waters. I copped a glancing blow from a flying glass ash tray once, it was no biggie and an isolated incident under much ill health related stress, exasperated by other fucking dastardly things including my love for swilling in pubs after work. It wasn't quite as extreme as the friend of mine who has a big scar on his forehead from the time he passed out in the kitchen in a pissed up state and his partner smashed him across the head with a George Foreman Fryer!

<3

damnnn. i'm sorry to hear about all of that difficulty with your daughter--can't imagine how that affects a couple. i've been with my dude for about 14 years now--health issues and drinking are definitely consistent factors in how this type of thing plays out.
after so much time together, how do you find the "making up" part changes? no need for as many grand gestures, or is it always good to gesture grandly?

oh no my bad sentences again. I meant my partner as she.

ohhh my goodness! i'm so sorry i misunderstood. <3

After a shouting row it's all swiftly forgotten these days, and they do happen at times. There is a pragmatism we have now that isn't very romantic i suppose, but it seems easier to press the reset switch these days. Even if hurtful things have been said in the heat of a row.

that is actually helpful to hear. thank u.

surm, you don't have to apologise for my shoddy sentences and grammar, mate!

'Fighting' is not good, if it's per se, but boy... I escaped a relationship partly due to fighting 7, 8 years ago (it turned physical, too, which was a deal-breaker for me). The complete absence of fighting in my new relation though is getting on my nerves. Big time. It's not healthy either.

A previous partner, dealing with stresses as she could, and I ended up living in demi-constant drama. It was like nothing else I'd ever been through, ruined my sleep patterns thoroughly and more besides. Now that I'm almost five and a half years away from that, I look back on it as scar tissue.

yes it's horrible that feeling. I think a lot of people look for drama where there is none. maybe it's a coping mechanism

sometimes people expect life to be a certain level of problematic, and whatever small difficulties they have will expand to fill the gap

I left a 20 year marriage last year, many factors but I will say that an eating disorder is INCREDIBLY corrosive to even the most loving bond. Now that I’m out I can’t believe the level of repression and reframing of arguments which were necessary to never address “the thing” properly. Not much for anyone else to learn there except if you are having intractable arguments about things that most couples solve, I highly recommend seeing a good therapist who can show you if you are in an emotionally distorted situation. Still love my wife but I can never go back to that.

i'm very sorry to hear that. i know first hand how badly disorders like that can intrude on a relationship, and you're very right--how the time spent addressing everything but "the thing" can be so detrimental.

I've never really had even loud arguments (I'm a de-escalator, there's very little I think is worth raising my voice for) but the toughest issues I've experienced involved an eating disorder, even moreso than alcohol abuse.

sorry to hear that too MatthewK

my parents never argue and hers barely stop so there's been quite a lot of work in establishing expectations, working out what's normal and so on, and through that I think we've become really good at talking (although we were always p good really), and, to my joy, also good at sometimes not talking

In my last relationship I eventually found it helpful to leave and go for a walk if there was a dispute, making it clear to my partner we both needed time and space. Often this de escalated arguments

the best relationship I ever had ended because I'd get upset with her and would be too chicken-shit to speak up for fear of upsetting the apple cart which actually made her feel like we were too distant.

think I liveblogged the breakup as a sock on this board tbh lol

the other reason I think I was afraid of fights is that I have anger management issues and although I rarely yell or raise my voice at people, I have lots of unprocessed rage that sometimes comes out of nowhere and freaks me out and makes me feel ugly inside. would never put my hands on anybody but merely terrorizing people with the volume of your voice is bad enough IMO

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month:

me: "so what do you want for dinner tonight?"
him: "I don't know"
me: "ok well do you want pasta?"
him: "no I had pasta at lunch"
me: "what about stir-fry then?"
him: "no I don't think I'm in the mood"
me: "what about pizza?"
him: "no we eat too much pizza"
me: "I could get eggs and make an omelette"
him: "no that's not really a proper dinner"
me: "how about a ready meal then?"
him "they're not very healthy are they"
me: "OMG FFS CAN YOU JUST PICK SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO BE HERE FOR AN HOUR"
him: "why are you snapping, calm down"

I mean in the grand scheme of things that dl and MatthewK are going through, it is nothing and I really hope you guys are holding up OK, but at the same time I can feel my eyes rolling as a I recall all these fights in branches of Asda

why

why dont you pick dinner

nb ive been both sides in that argument many times

where you're going wrong is that stir fry is always the right answer

bit if a cheat tho seeing as it can be all of the above

boxedjoy you do eat a lot of pizza though

Buy a fucking BBQ chicken, some tortillas and salad ingredients, is ALWAYS the answer.

the dinner rule is that if you pass on a proposed meal, you must make your own proposal

Pizza is always the answer. Just put more tomatoes on it and fold it in half for health and variety.

If you fight often enough (like 30-50 times per day) it can just become sort of a fun alternative mode of communication. :)

pipe down

Clean the kitchen

51

this is making me uncomfortable

I left a 20 year marriage last year, many factors but I will say that an eating disorder is INCREDIBLY corrosive to even the most loving bond. Now that I’m out I can’t believe the level of repression and reframing of arguments which were necessary to never address “the thing” properly. Not much for anyone else to learn there except if you are having intractable arguments about things that most couples solve, I highly recommend seeing a good therapist who can show you if you are in an emotionally distorted situation. Still love my wife but I can never go back to that.

― startled macropod (MatthewK), Monday, March 12, 2018 4:38 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is really tough, I'm sorry to hear. Any sort of mental health-related issue is very difficult because on one hand you want to care for the other person as they have an illness, and on the other hand, unlike a physical illness, the illness interferes in the very way they relate to you and affects their behavior toward you and the bond between you. And the denial is really painful.

xpost was wondering when mordy was going to be uncomfortable with all this unsavoury "gossip".

fighting with others ppls wives

Any sort of mental health-related issue is very difficult because on one hand you want to care for the other person as they have an illness, and on the other hand, unlike a physical illness, the illness interferes in the very way they relate to you and affects their behavior toward you and the bond between you. And the denial is really painful.

― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 9:04 AM (thirty-nine minutes ago)

otm and painfully relevant

When I was younger, I dated a person with Munchausen, which was really fucking awful, there really is no way to communicate with somebody who fakes a panic attack/seizure every time they're not getting their way.

My long-term relationship (now over) was defined by many colourful fights, which were usually more sporting than not, and happened sometimes at parties and in public, to the great amusement of our social circle, to the point that when our relationship started falling apart, our friends couldn't really understand why their favourite sports teams actually.. didn't like each other, and the constant public snark wasn't a game?

Our most dramatic fight happened after we'd broken up, when he was angry and started stomping around the house talking about all sorts of plans he had to steal money from me, lie about me, besmirch my reputation, and I was late to meet a client and I started to feel violent urges, and I lost control and saw red, picked up a plastic snow shovel, and beat myself in the face until I passed out. He apologized and we resolved things. I'm somewhat pleased that any uncontrollable violent impulse I experience (only under extreme duress) manifests itself in self-harm rather than an outward-lashing-out.

My biggest piece of advice I have for fighting couples is to "decide if you're together, or if you're not". Once you start to fight, then you should decide if you're in it to win it, or if the relationship is over. It's commitment-time, imo. Because honestly, fights are made 1000% worse by the "possibility of a breakup". Commit to be with your partner, and that you won't break up because of a fight about dishes or taxi fare, and suddenly the weight of these squabbles dissipates and the fights are rendered toothless.

Oh, and in latter-day relationships, when there is fighting, I found a lot of benefit was had to set aside, like, "a half-hour a day" for serious discussion. The rest of the day had to be sweet and nice, nothing serious. That half-hour over lunch was open season, you can't walk away, you can't say "I can't talk about this right now", it's Gladiator O'Clock

Well I am no innocent saint in the process - it took falling for someone else to realise that I could still actually feel happy and cared for - but the grind of a marriage with an eating disorder is ALWAYS knowing, when push comes to shove, that you are number 2 on the commitment list no matter how much your partner may love you. That’s the corrosive thing. Might sound selfish, and for many many years I told myself it *was* selfish to resent that, but it steadily builds. Anyone who’s been there will know.

In my last relationship I eventually found it helpful to leave and go for a walk if there was a dispute, making it clear to my partner we both needed time and space. Often this de escalated arguments

Seconding this; the idea of saying "let's hit pause on this argument and go into separate rooms for a half hour, read a book, have a snack, whatever" sounds incredibly stupid but in my experience is astonishingly effective

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month

I will also say as a long-time married that the answer to this is you just pick one person whose job it is to go to the store (in my marriage it's me) and the other person, if there's something they want to eat, they can put it on the shopping list, and if not, i'm deciding what to make for dinner. i don't think my wife and i have been together at a grocery store this decade.

finally reached the point where I'm now ruminating on the one particular bad experience and want to type things like "that would work.. if it wasn't a fucking ploy!!" so I'll be leaving the thread for a bit

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month:

me: "so what do you want for dinner tonight?"
him: "I don't know"
me: "ok well do you want pasta?"
him: "no I had pasta at lunch"
me: "what about stir-fry then?"
him: "no I don't think I'm in the mood"
me: "what about pizza?"
him: "no we eat too much pizza"
me: "I could get eggs and make an omelette"
him: "no that's not really a proper dinner"
me: "how about a ready meal then?"
him "they're not very healthy are they"
me: "OMG FFS CAN YOU JUST PICK SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO BE HERE FOR AN HOUR"
him: "why are you snapping, calm down"

I mean in the grand scheme of things that dl and MatthewK are going through, it is nothing and I really hope you guys are holding up OK, but at the same time I can feel my eyes rolling as a I recall all these fights in branches of Asda

― boxedjoy, Tuesday, March 13, 2018 9:24 AM (six hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i can't relate to this enough....

Makes me glad that we're never in the store for that night's dinner. My partner is into Depression era-style stocking up on staples, so it's just a matter of figuring out which odds & ends we're going to add spices to, put into a bowl, and call a meal. It's really more appetizing than that sounds.

(this thread has also made me think a lot about how our arguing has evolved over the last 9 or so years, I've typed out and deleted a few responses...generally it's gotten more frequent, but also lower intensity and more efficient, which I think is healthy)

it's so true it's almost a cliche, isn't it? but it's a real life argument that happens so often. if i could list the top three subjects of 'arguments about nothing' i've had most frequently in previous relationships, they would be:

1. what's for tea
2. how to do the washing up correctly
3. who's taking up the most bed-space / hogging the sheets the most

strangely in this relationship we didn't really argue so much about those things, but then we didn't live together so we'd have had that to look forward to..

re:meal decisions, resist all temptation to buy the terrible What's for Fucking Dinner (not sure if that's the title) cookbook to solve this fight.

but buy Night+Market and make everything

1. what's for tea

Forgive my cultural ignorance, but isn't it usually...tea?

2. how to do the washing up correctly

Most successful couples I know have one member that is the dedicated dish-washer.

3. who's taking up the most bed-space / hogging the sheets the most

Solved by each having your own sheets/blankets. Maybe that's unromantic but also the best relationship decision we ever made.

I wouldn't be cohabiting w/ my partner right now if we didn't have entirely separate bedrooms

I've gotten a lot better at not popping off at the mouth when I feel provoked, but the worst is when I'm trying really hard to keep my mouth shut but can't keep myself from appearing visibly annoyed or stressed, and then that suddenly becomes the reason to prolong the argument

Btw I feel for you Surm. :/ The worst part of arguing is the time between the actual argument and when people have cooled down enough to accept an apology.

xp yes omg

Jordan YES! luckily i woke up today feeling so much better and it really got me thinking about how much more careful i want to be about jumping the gun when it comes to disagreements. i've become much more straightforward with friends when i'm not feeling right, and i think it's rly important to remember that with the person who you're most comfortable with. sometimes it's so comfortable that that person becomes a punching bag in my experience.

trying rly hard to keep yr mouth shut is not a good feature in an argument imo

(im aware this is not ilx orthodoxy re men obv)

I have resigned myself to the fact that standing up for myself is not a productive way to handle things in the heat of an argument. If something is really bothering me I can bring it up later in a neutral setting when I have a clear head and we are not at each other's necks.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE THO!

preachhhh

it all depends on the person but when i get too self-righteous things can get ugly fast

I think there are ways of "standing up for yourself" without trying to win or getting over-defensive. IME it's the latter behaviors that cause problems in fights, not standing your ground.

Well I am no innocent saint in the process - it took falling for someone else to realise that I could still actually feel happy and cared for - but the grind of a marriage with an eating disorder is ALWAYS knowing, when push comes to shove, that you are number 2 on the commitment list no matter how much your partner may love you. That’s the corrosive thing. Might sound selfish, and for many many years I told myself it *was* selfish to resent that, but it steadily builds. Anyone who’s been there will know.

― startled macropod (MatthewK), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 10:46 AM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This makes perfect sense to me. I mean even a complete narcissist deserves compassion and is often very sad inside, but that doesn't trump your own right to want to be with someone capable of truly caring about you. And I'm guessing for a while your "I am no innocent saint in the process" was part of your rationalization. Yet none of us are innocent saints, and that, too, does not negate our desire to be cared about.

I was a lot angstier in my 20s when trying to sort out who or what I wanted. You shouldn't ever want to cause your partner intentional harm. Sometimes when either one of us does or says something bad (or have taken it badly because we were unthinking or didn't communicate well) we automatically, without question, apologize (not because someone lost but because the other person is sad) and hug each other. Our long term relationship and how I feel about him has nothing to do with small differences of opinions. I don't think we have really fought in like years and years but we definitely have learned how to communicate with each other and where each other's weaknesses are and how to make things better when one of us is having issues unrelated to the other person. Also, we gave up on coming to an agreement all the time about food. If someone buys food or prepares it the other person can eat it or fend for themselves. Usually people eat food that just magically appears in front of them.

I wouldn't be cohabiting w/ my partner right now if we didn't have entirely separate bedrooms

― valorous wokelord (silby), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 4:24 PM (fifty-seven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You're living the dream! My bf is into the boa constrictor school of showing affection.

This is why CA King size beds are worth it.

xp tbrr I’m more towards your bf’s end of the spectrum by nature but otoh I reportedly thrash a lot in my sleep and occasionally yell.

omg don't get me started on mattresses! it took us 1.5 years to pick one out....

Once you start to fight, then you should decide if you're in it to win it, or if the relationship is over. It's commitment-time, imo. Because honestly, fights are made 1000% worse by the "possibility of a breakup". Commit to be with your partner, and that you won't break up because of a fight about dishes or taxi fare, and suddenly the weight of these squabbles dissipates and the fights are rendered toothless.

― nevertheless, he stopped (flamboyant goon tie included), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 2:58 PM (four hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this feels like great advice. i posted last month elsewhere about fear that my relationship was in a death spiral, because our typically very healthy approach ("let's move as quickly as we can from fighting each other to working together to solve the problem") seem to be taking with a series of deep disagreements, and i realized i suddenly wasn't sure if the other half was still in it to win it with me or not--when we crossed that bridge explicitly (she is still in it to win it, as it happens), the sky turned much bluer for us both again.

*seemed not to be taking

picking your battles is *definitely* a fine line/judgment call. there have definitely been times when i knew it was necessary to get a little messy in order to figure something out. and then... there have been other times!

a series of deep disagreements

As a veteran of a 33 year marriage, I can assure you that even very successful relationships are going to have a final set of residual disagreements and incompatibilities that are not susceptible to resolution. You just have to find an accommodation that reduces the friction when they arise.

separate accommodation if necessary

I have to be real honest, I'd still be living in my own flat instead of with my feller if I'd had the choice, but he lost his job and I couldnt sit back and watch him and his kids get evicted, so I moved in to help out. Still stuck there 2 years later lol.

(not cos hes still not working! just cos why bother changing things now...)

I’m pretty sure “why bother changing things now” eventually becomes the foundation of most relationships

Hahaah.. haaa... yes... :/

most relationships are pretty bad is the thing tho

well at least my parents prepared me quite well for this fucking diabolical life!

oh boy aint that the fuckin truth tho

one of the reasons im the content and happy souls i am

My parents have a terrible relationship and should've divorced years and years ago. I recoil every time I've behaved like them; it's effort to not.

i havent the constitution to survive behaving like my folks tbph

"'Fighting' is not good, if it's per se, but boy... I escaped a relationship partly due to fighting 7, 8 years ago (it turned physical, too, which was a deal-breaker for me). The complete absence of fighting in my new relation though is getting on my nerves. Big time. It's not healthy either.

― Google Atheist (Le Bateau Ivre)"

if it's any consolation you _will_ get to the fighty bit eventually

"1. what's for tea

Forgive my cultural ignorance, but isn't it usually...tea?

― change display name (Jordan)"

oh my god, you savage, you've never heard "the who sell out"?

i have to chime in and say that i think relationships can be great! but indeed, they have caused some of the worst pain i have ever experienced. i mean, having a healthy relationship with yourself is hard enough.

having a healthy relationship with yourself is hard enough.

truth bomb

sometimes when you're fighting it's a good idea to have sex and then finish talking after

true regardless of activity swapped in for "fighting"

^^truth bomb

oh my god, you savage, you've never heard "the who sell out"?

Nope, I haven't heard a lot of things!

In ref to your question upthread, J - I don't know if someone else answered this but "tea" is sometimes used in the UK to mean "dinner" (see also "pudding" being used to mean dessert) and yes it can be v v confusing at first.

I am not sure why I put quotations around dinner there. I am not awake yet.

oh i dunno if tea is dinner

its more like

they dont have dinner

they have tea or supper

or there is a blurry tea-dinner-supper timeline depending on when you eat

or it can only be tea or supper if you have a buttered piece to mop up

look tbph idk htf they conquered us or anyone else they are a bizzarre cult

omg stop it you're making it more confusing

I don't think most people differentiate between supper and dinner here so I could have just said tea is sometimes used to mean the evening meal.

also, lol

So is tea never dinner there? Tea is always tea?

Tea is dinner but sometimes dinner is lunch and pudding is dessert unless it's black pudding which is delicious. Guv'nor.

tea in scotland can def mean dinner in the 'evening meal' sense

high tea is, of course, something completely different

herself insists sunday dinner is a 2pm latest term

thats brunch i say thats brunch

she remains coolly distant

did i ever mention her mother is english did i

good news: you're both wrong

well at least i dont have to fight with her about it thread delivers

bad news: now you and i have to have make-up sex

there is never a right time for that but thks

depends on the part of the country you're from, but 'tea' is informal for dinner in my book, especially if it's an early evening / very late afternoon meal.

it's all in the inflection

lol, sorry not sorry for this derail

i do like brunch

i can eat brunch at 2pm or 2am tho

lets not forget morning tea and afternoon tea.

luv me sum morning tea

y'alllllll brunch is OUT!? you didn't know? it's all about lunch now.

there is no lunch. only dinner

i only have supper tbh

I just had pancakes and coffee at 10am on a weekday, is that “tea” or “pudding”?

that's early elevenses

key q: did you have breakfast first

there's definitely people in scotland (and perhaps elsewhere in britain) who call lunch dinner and dinner tea

i call dinner tea, but never lunch dinner

its breakfast if u hadnt eaten first otherwise heres the thing imo thats teabreak

teabreak at 10 is contingent on what time you started work tho imo

......you will not have known to whom you speak obv....

do you realize how absolutely insane this reads to Americans? Yes? OK, good.

that's early elevenses

― imago, Wednesday, March 14, 2018 1:46 PM (nine minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You had to.

Silby - neither. You just had breakfast.

depending on whether hed had breakfast

obv

i actually love that this all comes down to food bc the fight that made me start this thread was... wait for it... a blowout about WHERE TO GO OUT FOR DINNER

never have i felt more like a fool tbh, the next morning i woke up to a story on world hunger on the cover of the paper.

british ppl would have u believe its purely sort order and not in bands therefore possible to get up early and eat five quick small meals culminating in a supper at 9.30am

I had had a cookie (aka “pudding”), then I went to the dentist and got a mouth full of anesthetic and a filling, then I had the pancakes.

a cookie is a biscuit!

i mean the dentist trip at least seems consistent

and a biscuit is a...scone?

cant have pudding pre dinner u had a "treat"

a scone is a rock cake and its actually pronounced scone

^ exactly

pudding is only something sweet you have after your dinner

Ok so a scone is a biscuit, a biscuit is a pudding, and pudding is a kind of sausage that you have for breakfast, also known as “tea”

which of course is dessert

pudding is one of four things but it is not necessarily dessert, or if u must, afters or sweet

a scone is a scone

a biscuit is maybe a dumpling maybe even a farl or a muffin

a pancake is an open-faced syrup sandwich

i mean a biscuit doesnt rly translate because whats wrong with bread you savages

and a biscuit is a...scone?

― change display name (Jordan), Wednesday, March 14, 2018 11:03 AM (four minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I've never encountered an american style biscuit in britain (sadly), so i don't think we have a name for them.

i actually love that this all comes down to food bc the fight that made me start this thread was... wait for it... a blowout about WHERE TO GO OUT FOR DINNER

never have i felt more like a fool tbh, the next morning i woke up to a story on world hunger on the cover of the paper.

<3 <3 <3

wait what if my breakfast just consists of scone

Common low-level food-related argument in my life:

Me: (buying a snack, like say some coconut curry chocolate-covered cashews)
Her: Don't buy those, they're like $10 a pound
Me: But I'm not buying a pound, I'm only buying $2 worth, which is not much in absolute money
Her: They're $10 a pound, you don't understand how money works
Me: But they taste good
etc

Per pound, sure, it sounds bad, but what do they cost per calorie?

is there an alternative beside it at less per lb

if not, irrelevant

Is this what happens when you don't separate threads into US/non-US divisions

I will be hearing for the next 20 years about the one time I spent $8 on hydroponically grown tomatoes in like February. GOD FORBID.

i wasn't gonna lay down knowledge on how to deal with food arguments but since it seems to be a very troubling matter for many

dr infinity will post something after a supper break

Anyway I grew up thinking that scones (hom. "cons") were dry buttery buns that required to be sliced in half and slathered in Cornish clotted cream and jam before they became edible, and scones (hom. "cones") were pieces of rolled out dough, cut into odd shapes like a Jamie Oliver wet dream and submerged in hot oil until they puffed up, and then drizzled with sugar and cinnamon-- miniature versions of what they call, in Ottawa, "Beaver Tails"

that seems sensible enough and I declare it canon

Is this what happens when you don't separate threads into US/non-US divisions

― nevertheless, he stopped (flamboyant goon tie included), Wednesday, 14 March 2018 18:30 (four minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

at best

fuckin luv eating beaver

tails

Thank you imago

I don't know if any of you Americans or British people know or care, but Canada has the most hilarious/ridiculous/strangely useful splitting-of British/American usages, particularly with regards to measurements

Spelling is easy: we follow British spelling consistently, with the exception of "aluminium", "paedophile" and "haemophilia".

But measurement? it's messed up.

Distances when travelling are always measured in kilometres. We are going for a 5k run. We are driving 550 km to Montreal. Except: when giving directions. It's about 50 feet down that alley. And: when measuring people's height, and penis length. I am six foot zero.

Area is, oddly enough, always measured in Imperial units. My mother owns a seven-acre farm. (Nobody knows what an acre is, in feet, except that they have a spacial idea of what it looks like.) This 1 bedroom apartment is 800 sq. feet. Except, when talking about the sizes of forests. 500 sq. kilometres of boreal forest were destroyed in that forest fire.

Temperature is always measured in Celsius. It's -5 C today in Toronto. Water boils at 100 C. Except when measuring oven temperatures. Preheat the oven to 400 F. And, bizarrely enough: swimming pool temperatures. The water temperature is 76. And, lastly: one's body temperature. I have a fever of 104.

Weight is mostly measured by the Imperial system. I weigh 165 pounds. Please buy 2 pounds of chuck roast. Grab me the 30 pound dumbbell. Except when buying drugs. A gram of weed costs $30.

Liquid mass is completely messed up. I will literally buy a pint of cream and a litre of milk and put them in the same bag. A half-cup of coffee grounds and 500 mL of water will yield you two 12 ounce cups of coffee.

There are many other inconsistencies but those are the ones that spring to mind

I guess this isn't a splitting of British/American usages but Imperial/Metric

Either way

Vive la différence

we all do that tbh

xp. thanks for that post fgti. I've lived in canada since 2012 and still get confused as to the how and why of measurements

Xp to flam

Ya

Still on supper break but there are more quirks

Kinda wanna start a thread but calling attention to our quirks is uncanadian

*puts canadian flag on knapsack*

More important talking to a 60 yr old canadian, will yield different results

I.e., they use miles

of course we made this fucking thread about food

this fighting thread fyi

and differences between US and non-US English lol

fucking, food and the differences btwn us and uk english prob causing most of the fights out there tbf

you lay tomato

not bad not bad at all

well hey at least we're all getting along! :)

okay so here we go

so the way i deal with a partner (in my case a female) who doesn't know what to eat is i just start listing major types of foods i know she likes stream of conscious like, not overthinking it because then it feels like i'm doing all the work and she is just saying no

usually she will say no to all of these any way, so once that is out of the way, it comes down to knowing why she isn't craving anything, usually it's because she is not hungry yet, she wants dessert, or she only wants to eat a little, or she is feeling fat, etc

once i find that out it's easier to offer a solution, because i know what type of food i want most of the time, and i just wanna eat (i have no problems always deciding what to eat)

i think most of my exes have had the tendency to want to eat something they crave, which is reasonable

eating, and specifically eating food cooked by someone else, is one of life's greatest joys, so to eat when you don't crave anything is frustrating

if nothing is wrong i jump into logistics of how much time we have to eat, location, any further plans that might get ruined

if she is being a complete airhead we will stop and i'll recommend getting some water for me and juice/cof/whatever other drink for her that might keep me satisfied enough while she decides she wants her brain to think, if i just finished getting sw0led i'll eat a snack with a little more substance while i wait and usually on the way to get it, she will know what to eat and my stomach starts grumbling like a mofo

this has basically worked for me 75% of the time but u kno

ymmv

forgot to mention if she is feeling fat i say let's go for a walk around somewhere, either park or at some shop she likes, works most of the time

all this sounds like a lot of effort but once you know the drill and she gives you the cue that the game has started you get into that headspace and have some jolly good fun

You sound like an earth sign

I just call all the shots regarding food choices, I am a menu top

hm no actually

well documented here: ZODIAC ♈ ♉ ♊ ♋♌ ♍ ASTROLOGY ♎ ♏ ♐ ♑♒ ♓ HOROSCOPE

i'm just an older dude with some experience avoiding fights

i'm a good chameleon tho

lol i am a menu top too. i cook because i get to eat what i like. iffn no one else does they can make they own damn dinner.

We take turns cooking depending on who feels like it or who is better at making something. But we both stay in the kitchen to assist, listen to a show and drink wine.

I only cook when my partner is not in the kitchen, because it does not work for her to see me doing things differently and perhaps messily. Otherwise I do the sous chef prep work and she makes the creative decisions, which is fine because has a much better intuitive sense about seasoning, balancing a dish during the process, etc.

to be a menu top i feel like you need to be a bit of a relationship top in general tho.

my ex would literally forbid things, like, "we eat too much pasta so no pasta for dinner" would be the command. even though i was going to make a really great dish like a nice slow cooked sugo di pomodoro with some breaded fried eggplant (＃`Д´)

and i was the cook in the relationship due to shorter working hours, less stressful job.

I hate fighting with my wife. Worst feeling.
We don't fight very often, and when we do it's usually about my lack of contribution to the household (I have only been working part time since June.)
LUCKILY I will have more work starting in a few months, and I definitely understand her frustration w me. I'm not a very driven or ambitious person.
On the other hand, I do nearly all the cooking, probably more than my share of the laundry, and we share other cleaning and cat-related chores.

But I hate fighting it sucks. I just want to get along and be happy. But I know sometimes u can't get along with someone when you're disappointed in them, and there is occasional friction.

ok that's my story.

xposts: DINNER.
I do almost all the cooking, as stated above, and I'm usually involved in the planning of meals.
But one of my huge pet peeves is when I make a meal (sometimes nice, sometimes real basic) and inevitably she will find somerthing wrong with it. "Maybe roast the sprouts longer next time." "Maybe don't add water to (whatever soup or stew or curry), it's bland." I think for me, where I know i'm not the financially responsible one in the relationship, I really do try hard to compensate in other ways -- like cooking, or surprising her by doing laundry, or whatever -- and it bums me out to feel unappreciated sometimes.

Also the sregular, "I'm hungry but I don't know what I want to eat."

and i should prob start or look for another thread on it, but menopause makes relationships a rollercoaster of emotion and hot flashes and cleaning binges.

Not up for talking about relationship conflicts but enjoying the OT tangent:

Sometimes I try to express everything in metric units for fun ("I'll pick up 908 g of chicken"). I thought UK people were as bad or worse wrt Imperial/metric inconsistencies, though? Does anyone in the UK say "I am 177 cm tall" (except wacky people like me)?

The city of Windsor is wacky compared to the rest of Canada: it's the only Canadian place I've been to where everyone uses the Fahrenheit system.

Canadian English is even more inconsistent than those three words, tbf: "airplane" instead of "aeroplane", m/l a crapshoot regarding "s" vs "z" in words like "analyse" or "realize" (I follow the old RCM conventions and use "s" after "y" but "z" after "i"), single quotes are usually for scare quotes and not quotations. I have to edit my spellings if I submit something to an American OR a British journal or conference.

xpost Ian. I am critical about meals F prepares or even restaurant food. Hopefully, it's the same with the wife where she isn't criticizing you as a person but instead...like there are just so many cooking shows on nowadays, everyone is a f'ing critic on food. I used to think I was hurting his feelings when I later added more salt or spice or lemon but it's just different palates.

I think it's mostly that I get mad at myself for not making things better, then I feel sad.

ian, I'm sure this isn't what you intended, but FWIW from one unambitious self-critical sort to another, I'm mad at your wife now

xpost I get it, I sometimes don't work and I also try to compensate by doing most of the household labor, back/head rubs, finding ways to save money, cut costs, etc. Just focus on the things that you can control. Also, making completely new things for meals sometimes makes people oddly super happy. Like I don't ask F what he wants to eat sometimes, but I like, for the first time whipped out some naan from scratch this weekend and some chana masala and he was giddy.

i have gotten really good at bringing her tea in bed on saturday mornings.

And about menopause, I can't even imagine what that is like, but I know when I am hormonal it has nothing to do with the other person, my brain is stalled, so many feelings, I just want things to magically be known and taken care of.

Don't be sad. You are the best, Ian. These times are hopefully temporary.

oh yeah, no, i'm not really sweating it!
menopause is insane tho. and i know it's not about me or directed at me, but sometimes it can be tough when your partner is irrationally angry/irrationally upset and there's really not much you can do about it :(

Yeah, when I get like that F just starts shoving haribo and wine into my mouth and hopes I go to sleep.

https://www.everydayhealth.com/menopause/mood-swings-in-menopause.aspx

oh so my post was about going *out* to eat

who cooks and what they cook at home is a different matter

But one of my huge pet peeves is when I make a meal (sometimes nice, sometimes real basic) and inevitably she will find somerthing wrong with it.

Ugh, I needed to hear this because my partner is low on work atm and tries to help out in other ways and I'm often kvetching about it. "dont put the plates on that bench" "whys this been left out" "this teas got too much sugar" lol I am a fucking harridan sometimes :/ (I'm not snappy! just a negative idiot). But tbh until recently for a stay at home dad he wasnt doing very much housework either (dishes, boys lunches/toy cleanup... that was about it). So our fights would be me coming home from a very stressful job, exhasted to the point of tears, only to find that before I could even cook dinner I had to clean the whole kitchen I'd only cleaned 12 hours earlier. And then I'd get "when is dinnerrrrr" on top of all that. AND cooking dinner is a massive PITA in our house because we have 4 people with completely different diets so have to take turns. Drives me and my OCD insane.

It's all very complicated!!! I think a key understanding that Helen & I have come to is that, as long as we're trying our best, it's important to be patient with each other. On the other hand, if she's been at work all day and she comes home and I haven't cleaned the kitchen and I havent done anything with my day.. yeah, she's got a right to be miffed.

And while I do enjoy cooking and am okay at it, anything that begins to feel like a chore is gonna be a drag.

probably the biggest fights in my marriage involved food. at home this was mostly my fault because despite knowing how much her life revolves around food, i had neither the cooking desire or cooking skills to please her.

on vacation it became a nightmare of indecision on her part. i'm not picky; i'll go anywhere. but for her every meal had to be somehow ~special~ (in ways that i myself was not qualified to select). sometimes this worked out great if she could plan in advance, like this one place built into the cliffs above grenada. on the fly, it turned into us walking fucking halfway around lake como because nothing was 'suitable' and going back to the hotel to eat leftover cheese.

i ate much better when we were together, but i'll be happy with the guilt- and disappointment-free turkey sandwich and hummus i have tonight

ps canada is great

every meal had to be somehow ~special~

This may honestly & truly be the foundation of my marriage (I mean on both sides, luckily)

This is a little surprising how much couples fight about food. I thought it would be more about money or just incompatibility (which I guess the food issues are moments of that).

I don't think it's surprising. Food is something you put in your body. Some might deem it a question of consent.

tbf our other huge fight involved whether major league baseball players should be expected to know how to bunt

I am not even touching that consent comparison.

mookie, is she a chef? I feel like maybe I met her a long time ago?

For me its not the food itself, its the "prepare and clean up" (to quote Kristin Hersh). Having one kid with coeliac and a refusal to eat most things, both kids vegetarian, mr adult-kid hating his damn vegetables, and no one seeming able to wipe a bench or a dish, I tear my hair out lol.

it's pretty important that i date a woman who has similar taste in food tbh

i don't want to come to my house smelling like something that i consider awful

actually a long term relationship

dating i guess it doesn't rly matter

i hate cleaning up the kitchen, not gonna lie.

Y you may have met her, idk! (she was pretty great apart from these aforementioned issues, btw.) she is not a chef, but i think she might now do web stuff for m0m0fuku, so

My partner was vegan for over 10 years (he eats some seafood now - no shellfish)). I will eat anything, everything but that also means I am extremely flexible with being veg. But he is also flexible with me eating bone marrow, offal or game meat when we go out. The cleaning is probably more upsetting if I felt like he wasn't equal in it or bartering in that regard. I really love clean floors so I am more than happy to take care of that.

divine mrs m also has the ~it must be special~ thing re food, at home its ok cos we can both cook p well but when we're out for *non foody* reasons its pretty aggravatory behaviour not to just satisfice imo

I don't think it's surprising. Food is something you put in your body. Some might deem it a question of consent.

― Moo Vaughn, Wednesday, 14 March 2018 22:51 (thirty-two minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you should be taken out the back and beaten

I have to say that eating cheese and drinking wine for dinner in a hotel room while on vacation ( F has hummus) is what I try to do at least a couple of nights. But I also really like to go to grocery stores in other countries.

Is that a personal threat or just a colloquial expression of toxic masculinity?

its a casual musing, delivered as airily as tbe original comment nbd

an idiomatic way of saying "fuck off mate"

hey try having arguments about food / eating out with a partner who has strict, ironclad rules about these things but will not discuss those rules and refuses to acknowledge they exist
apologies for venting, this thread is touching on a lot of hot topics for me

my wife got really mad at me this morning cuz i got transmission fluid on my jacket while working on the car and it is apparently a symptom of how i don't care about things and don't take care of them.

but boy you gotta do you!

hey dog latin sorry to hear about your breakup.

Can we talk about the most petty things we've fought with our partners about? yesterday it was about logic in website search filters.

had a huge fight - well more just me being harangued - with my ex because i laughed at a guy getting busted after he drove by a cop car while texting on his mobile phone

like for not hating the police sufficiently - and i do hate the police, i also hate distracted driving tho

understandably
i have to watch myself as a pedestrian with the damn phone it's awful and v dangerous

i rly think i came out of a lesson from this last fight, i have to be honest. i know "perfect from now on" isn't a thing (holla built to spill) but i learned that i have a way of going from really high to really low in a split second, and my sanity depends on recognizing those moments, and stepping the fuck back.

hi! so i made it until last Friday. April 27th. that's more than SIX WEEKS. no fighting! until Friday :( ugh that sucked. I got annoyed with the boo about something he said, but anger got the best of me and it quickly became:
(1) i said the wrong things
(2) i'm making my boyfriend feel like shit
(3) i'm a terrible person

which resulted in a me spiral and us having to talk about everything which was really annoying. i feel like i could have gotten in and out with an easy "hey, what you said kind of bothers me" instead of unleashing all that. we were able to resolve it and the night ended with a candid and chill conversation. didn't go to bed angry, woke up fine. it wasn't the worst, but it threw me for the weekend. i think both of us were exhausted from a long week. now trying to think about how i express my anger in the future. and that's my story.

6 weeks is great going surm. I wouldn't beat yourself over the odd argument. but it is worth trying to pre-empt arguments, pick your battles and work out how to address problems sensibly before things blow out of proportion. also worth trying to work out whether little bickerings are symptomatic of a bigger issue which isn't getting addressed.

<3 thank you for that