Is this the best news story today?

If only he'd done this.

1974=2002. coyote=pig.

I find the latter story quite hard to believe.

This story got a couple of inches in the paper = it must have a film made of it.

Heh heh. Joseph Beuys is spinning in his gravy.

TV breastfeeding outrage story - the kid (if not imaginary) is 8 YEARS OLD. That's a bit wacky, and enough to put even Madge off her cornflakes, surely. Eww.

Ben Affleck should star in this one.

http://www.orange-today.co.uk/news/story/sm_705091.html?menu=news.quirkies

Orange truly has the best insane news. However, I object to their use of 'amounts' when they mean 'numbers'.

When is an appropriate time to stop breastfeeding?

I searched Ananova for the squirrel story (heard it on the radio first) and it gave me a link to the Orange page.

There was a survey of most accessed news sites in the UK the other day and Ananova wasn't even in the top 10. Whereas itv.com was number 6 or something. Who goes to itv.com? Fools.

I'll pretend you didn't say that Rob.

It was going to Chingford instead of towards Tottenham Hale. they could try and turn it into Speed 4, it already has more plot than the others.

One time a cat, scared by a stray dog, crawled up my little sister's face. She was only about 7 at the time. She had to get stitches on her little head.

Thank you, I am laughing aloud. Brilliant!

'Invisible' bank robber arrested.

Not best as in 'best', you understand.

I love this report. Mark Brown should write for Ananova.

"When he was sharing his political views in a fairly benign manner - supporting our troops, opposing policy - that's OK," said Keith Zimmerman, of Denver.

"When he takes what looks like the head of George Bush on a stick, then throws it to the stage and stomps on it, that's just unacceptable."

Ha ha. Pearl Jam concerts sound a blast all of a sudden.

Just for this quote:

Magistrate Ken Melsom told him: "You are disqualified and you are also 10-years-old, and children are not allowed to drive anyway."

Impossible. I've got cute little Midge Ure locked up inside my cupboard.

Oh, um. Hm. Shhhh?

New opera will roll and roll

The Royal Albert Hall is to play host to the world’s first rollerskating opera. Impresario Raymond Gubbay is putting La Boheme on wheels in an attempt to bring high art to the masses. It opens in February next year.

i want that job!

Neat hat, though.

People of Knutsford, Cheshire, were reported to be living in fear following numerous unprovoked attacks by the grey squirrel.

Enjoy pot much?

http://images.theglobeandmail.com/archives/RTGAM/images/20051014/wxcanna1014/1014joints.jpg
Rhiannon Rose, right, and Heidi Farnola enjoy pot yesterday at Marijuana Party bookstore in Vancouver

What does this picture have to do with the story, other than the fact that everyone involved was apparently high? Even the Chinese researcher. Maybe he was just trying out the HU-21 ("100 times as potent as THC").

FURY OF HOOK-HANDED HAMZA AS WARDENS SEARCH HIS BEARD

<a href="http://icrenfrewshire.icnetwork.co.uk/pde/news/tm_headline=double-trouble-for-daft-driver%26method=full%26objectid=19445281%26siteid=63858-name_page.html";>Paisley Express on form </a>

(see par 6)

oops but.

wonder how long it'll stay like that

The brainless twat then jumped out of the driver’s cabin and ran off as he was chased by nightshift workers who lost him after a few hundred yards.

Can they say that in newspapers now?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6904983.stm

The BBC really needs to look at the way it illustrates its stories. Bring back Joanna Lumley.

nsw

The Paisley Daily Express is always saying things like that! Seriously, best local paper ever!

"authorities said the pilot tried to land on a short, wet landing strip"

I'm very fond of this story:

'Spitting vicar' sacked by bishop

i remember that froma few months ago. proper, old skook churchin, that.

anyone got a youtube link to that helicopter trying to take off from yesterday's news?

skool, i mean.

skook churchin is a diffeent thing entirely.

Dr Ambrose also allegedly upset older parishioners by using slide shows instead of sermons

Because Jesus used Powerpoint to do the sermon on the mount?

"And from this slide, we can see that Yea! the meak shall inherit the Earth"

"pastoral breakdown"

Kitty Empire's shoegazer band of the year.

from further up in thread:

Magistrate Ken Melsom told him: "You are disqualified and you are also 10-years-old, and children are not allowed to drive anyway."

haha this is brilliant

(xpost) featuring heavy use of the Amen break.

A Chinese man says he's had the same snail as a pet for 11 years - and takes it for walks.

Dongwan city (...) fills the palm of his hand

Because of the wangDongwan...

Just for you, Ste, the full story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/southern_counties/2981066.stm

using so much incense in church that some worshippers felt sick.

Martin Luther to thread

Worshippers incensed

'A teenager was greeted by a display cabinet instead of a taxi because her 'Ali G-style' slang confused a series of phone operators. The girl hurriedly dialled directory inq­uiries to book a taxi from her home in London to Bristol airport, using the cockney rhyming slang Joe Baxi. But the operator told her they were unable to find anyone by that name. Seething, the youngster snapped back: 'It ain't a person, it's a cab, innit.'

'The operator duly gave her what she asked for and put her through to the nearest supplier of cabinets, Displaysense. 'Look love, how hard is it?' she fumed. 'All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?' The sales adviser told her £180. The tantrum-throwing teenager quickly left her address details before ringing off. The next morning, rather than being picked up by a cab, the young woman had the cabinet dropped off'

Hahahahaha! That can't be real.

we can but hope.

Nice bit of advertising there for Displaysense, the nearest supplier of cabinets... I should probably think about getting something from them

Even the thickest of directory enquiries operators would know that if someone said they wanted a cab, they would be after a taxi. But then, having done DQ for four years and seeing the quality of people passing through the doors there... maybe not.

Yeah who is even supposed to be the idiot in this story?

If true, that's awesome. But i don't believe that it is.

She definitely should not have received either an apology or a refund. The woman is one of our Nulabour illiterates, a product of our wonderful education system taught by teachers who have threatened strike action because they are "underpaid". Unfortunately good English is seldom spoken or understood by the text generation. God help Britain because our children will not be able to.

- Ken, South London

^^^ from the Daily Mail comments. You can trust them to blame nuLab for everything.

Metro comments in a similar vein:
Looks like this is another one who will be kept by the taxpayer for life on benefits. How can these people expect to get a job when they can't talk the language?

- Brian Lightfoot, Birtley Co. Durham

People being kept by the taxpayer generally don't get taxis from London to Bristol but don't let that get in the way.

OK having read the longer version of this - who the fuck are these people labouring under the impression that 'cab' meaning taxi is "Ali G style slang"????????

I'm struggling to think of somewhere she could have been going that was easier/cheaper to get to from Bristol airport than one of the London ones.

Now, I'd like to know where this woman was in London, because Displaysense is in Bishops Stortford, and if that's the closest cabinet maker the operator could find to London...well...a quick search for cabinet makers in London brings up pages of them. How did they end up with Bishops Stortford? Am I overthinking this, d'you reckon?

xpost to DJ Mencap - apparantly "Joe Baxi" is slang for taxi which was misunderstood...

It's saying "innit" at the end of the sentence that's "Ali G slang" and it was that that led to the confusion in this made-up story.

Who the hell in any income bracket or social strata would get a cab from London to Bristol? If you can afford that and hate public transport then you probably own a car.

xpost Ditto but maybe she was meeting someone there?

The Joe Baxi bit and the 'innit' bit were incidental as far as I could tell and in any case what the heck does cockney rhyming slang have to do with Ali G

Sorry the 'innit' obv wasn't incidental but yeah this has a strong sense of madeupness if you try and envisage this as a situation involving actual people and their likely responses

Someone somewhere thought of "cab, innit" = "cabinet" and made up a story out of it.

probably Ken C

Back in uni when you had to show your card to get into dinner at halls, the person on the door asked to see my card again. I thought he said cardigan. lol.

'innit' only appears in her speech when it is conducive to confusion.

and of course the company wouldn't ask for any more information than her address would they? no questions about colour, material, mouldings, fucking handles?

utter bullshit.

or, in other words, onimo onimoney.

fucking handles?

http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/03_02/tevez1603_400x599.jpg

Company to reprint yearbooks after head switching

I don't really understand this, which is part of the reason it makes it so funny. It reads like a disgruntled employee story, until you get to the part about the school insisting that the heads be made "the same size and eyes at the same level". So was this desperate Photoshop non-skillz?

"which is part of the reason it makes it so funny" = "which is part of the reason I find it so funny", English fans.

The high school had required Lifetouch to make heads the same size and eyes at the same level in all student photos, company spokeswoman Sara Thurin Rollin said Saturday. The request was "unusual and definitely very particular, but that's not to suggest what happened here is acceptable," she said.

this, though:

Besides the head and body switching, some necks were stretched, one girl's arm was missing, and another girl's head was placed on what appeared to be a nude body, with the chest blurred.

The heads the same size and eyes at same level request actually makes sense though, doesn't it? Well, one or the other does. I suppose doing both might be difficult.

http://files.sharenator.com/E78E832C_FB47_42D4_9156_2E0ECCA7734-s580x386-1893-580.jpg

Court says money discriminates against blind people

Court says money discriminates against poor people

well that's actually quite valid.

I agree. Also, the recently redesigned bills are pretty awful anyway.

Child elopers' Africa plan foiled
http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/1/5/1231177187478/Anna-Bell-Anna-Lena-and-M-001.jpg

That manages to be cute, awesome and a little terrifying, all in one neat package.

i knew this would be revived with that story

sure, NOW everyone thinks illegal immigrants are "cute"

before i saw that they were planning to get married I was stymied by the phrase "tie the knot in the sun"

It's a euphemism for anal

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/7921542.stm

All the more wtf for the BBC News front-page link being titled "Man guilty of urine contamination"

"the mixture"

My buddy

http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2013/08/01/officer-nearly-fires-on-student-crew-filming-robbery-scene/#.UftaALiJ56A.twitter

They filmed a bank robbery scene without getting permits or notifying the police -- the cops almost blew him away thinking it was legit. His voice is heard telling the office that he's not in fact a criminal and they're filming a movie

"yeah, that's what Ronnie Biggs said at the time..."

(I know, I know..)