Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

"You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know." just for the mental imagery of it.

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute, but it seems so bizarre in the context of the guardian website - who on earth is reading these headlines and then actively clicking through for the article?

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video_thumb/C8hjZTXXkAAKHtt.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video_thumb/C8hjZTXXkAAKHtt.jpg

Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?

Yeah, that's the one I went for.

He's said to be in a relationship with Katharine Viner, editor of The Guardian, which might explain the column inches.

Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?

xp

oo-er missus fnnarr fnnarr!

smh at

It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.

this man's job is to interview people on tv and radio!

I mean the dartboard one defies expansion so i went for that

Torn between I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine and I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Which is worse: letting Adrian Chiles write the paper vs letting MI5 write the paper

These are like the opposite of clickbait, so mundane you couldn't possibly want to know more than what the headline makes obvious. Video games aren't satisfying if you're not good at playing video games. Who would've thunk it? Dartboards aren't that much fun if you're not good at throwing darts. Let's read the entire column and learn why...

When the curiosity gap becomes an unfathomably vast chasm

he might be a secret MI5 operative, like when he climbs a tree he's not looking for conkers he's spying on Aaron Bastani or something.

Chapter Seven: In which my obsession with West Browmich Albion goes too far!

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1811189628/pooter_400x400.jpg

These are all works of art in their own right, but I can’t ever look at the teeth cleaning one without laughing (100% success rate), so that.

I find that one actually touches on something vaguely interesting about the mind

Very very difficult choice, but it’s the dishwasher one for me.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited). Can’t believe he hasn’t written about it yet.

We did a charity baking competition at my old work and Chiles came to help with judging and he brought Lee Dixon with him (uninvited).

Would 100% vote for this.

I feel like the existence of this kind of column was just about plausible in the days of physical newspapers, flicking through the g2 section while half-awake during your morning commute,

Physical G2 still exists and has to be filled!

if chiles wrote every non-guest column in that paper it would be an improvement

has it really been more than a year since he didn't want brits to have to resort to fanny?

i was thinking about the impossible platonic perfection of our Adrian's blokeishness only this morning when i heard him on the radio for a minute, and can only conclude that somehow, in some sense, he has become a bit, destroyer of worlds

He wont end well

he's already beyond ending, he's the universal unconscious

These all each perfectly map to an "and thats ok/and heres why" entry

Chilesbot grows

It's gotta be 'My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.' One for the Real England thread.

My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - my dad would be world champion.
I'm glad to be back in church - and I should know.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix - is it because they are unpronounceable?
You’re never too old to climb a tree - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - grow a lemon tree.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life - grow a lemon tree.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations - A bargain bag of beauty.
I panic-bought a dartboard - even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
You’re never too old to climb a tree - So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking - I found it in a chore I used to hate.
Searching for solace in lockdown - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
With the kids locked down and not on the town - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Seven weeks in - A bargain bag of beauty.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
Searching for solace in lockdown - Here's how to do it.
What will I do when travel restrictions lift - until the warning light flashed.
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Lockdown has slowed me down - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Searching for solace in lockdown - but lockdown has made my life much simpler.
I am the world's nicest driver - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.

make your own here:

https://codepen.io/ledgr/full/rNWreeM

Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on - turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.

Ah looks like a Ross Barkley one got in there by mistake

omg ledge

Dishwasher Dad all day long for me, Clive

Chileswriter is oddly addictive, thanx ledge.

It makes a handy display name generator.

I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.

What is it like to be a Adrian Chiles

Looool

One must imagine Adrian Chiles happy

lol

another vote for the dishwasher here

he should post on ILM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EVrYsq1XYAIFYyc?format=png&name=small

flashback to when some of us had a silent track called AAA by aaaa on our ipods.

A Toby jug full of piss - Stewart Lee

I've beefed up the chileswriter with graphics and all new genuine Chiles content.

Huge

You see, the lockdown has its good points.

"Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Shame no one's asked for mine."

So many quotable though.

It doesn't matter how clever you are - That’s why I love Birmingham

“I’ve started listening to my friends' music recommendations – is it because they are unpronounceable?”

My idea of happiness? There’s still racism in English football

https://i.postimg.cc/mZJqtkkc/DD530-FF0-109-F-4477-BB05-D4813192-DBBF.jpg

I'm expecting ledge to end up being interviewed by Adrian Chiles about this.

https://i.imgur.com/hZgoUQ1.jpg

lock thread

I am the world's nicest driver - is this terrifying mask the only answer?

I like it when you get one where the only reason you know it's fake is over exposure to all the genuine variants.

Looking forward to the article where he muses about how socks go missing in the washing.

ledge that is amazing.

On the eve of my 52nd birthday, I’m targeted by a site for attractive, 52-year-old singles. End their anonymity

My idea of happiness? You’ll never get a good night’s sleep again.

anyway i’ll stop this now but it’s giving me a great deal of pleasure. (that’s me not voodoo chiles)

Music is a shortcut to joy. And it hurts

I think it's useful to categorize the columns.

The Adventures of Adrian Chiles, aged 53¾
I put my own makeup on for the first time - and saw my face in a whole new light.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life: grow a lemon tree.
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking. Here's how to do it.
I panic-bought a dartboard – turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine.
You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know.
Seven weeks in, what have I learned from my new life as a dog person?
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly – until the warning light flashed.
I have made a thing of great beauty. And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains. How do snails get up to the fourth floor?
My lockdown baking obsession got out of control – luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?
Ranch dressing improves everything. So I tried to improve ranch dressing
What will I do when travel restrictions lift? Complete my odyssey to all 270 London tube stations.

Watercooler Chiles
Have you seen Tatler's new rules of poshness? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are two new Covid-fighting drugs I haven't heard much about - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Video games are good for your mental health? Not if you play like me.

That's nice, Adrian
With the kids locked down and not on the town, I've never slept so soundly.
My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Searching for solace in lockdown? I found it in a chore I used to hate.
What speed reading has taught me about taking my time.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness? A bargain bag of beauty.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix: what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
I used to hate it when businesses got too chummy. Then I met Alan the delivery driver.
I'm glad to be back in church – even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
I’ve always been hot on hand hygiene – I even dried them in the oven.
I know I’ve been lucky, but lockdown has made my life much simpler.

I think this has may have been said before, Adrian
Computers I can live with, but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Shopping is a whole new world now I have to wear a mask.
If dishwasher-loading was a sport, my dad would be world champion.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider?

Introspective Adrian
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider?
My obsession with West Brom has gone too far
It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.
I am the world's nicest driver - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on, I'm dreading it...
Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
First it was sourdough, now it's a puppy - I am a lockdown cliché.

Angry Adrian
I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

In honour of the winner, I read the full the column.

“I have now embarked on a structured new regime. I resolved to try to hit every number from one to 20 in fewer than 60 darts. I am proud to tell you that in less than two weeks I have managed to do it using a mere 54 darts.”

An Olympic champion at dishwasher loading, but only silver in the Pooterish column race

World champion, rather

I have a lung condition that means actual belly laughs make me have coughing fits.

Chileswriter near killed me.

omg i am exceedingly sorry!

Feel like they bured the lede here: 'I have been idly wondering what the difference is between shallots and onions for a good 30 years' would have been a great headline.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/17/hamlet-small-village-grandad-generation-google-lockdown

I think Chiles is doing it on purpose now:

Isn't it irenic? It's time to bring back beautiful words we have lost

The lexicographer and etymologist Susie Dent tells me it comes from Eirene, the Greek goddess of peace, who also gives us the name Irene. What a pity, then, that you don’t hear of many Irenes these days. I’m sure my nan knew an Irene, but that’s about it in my life. I searched a list of 50 famous Irenes and hadn’t heard of any of them. However, I’m so glad I looked, because I came across the quite fabulously named actor and director Irene Miracle.

definitely doing it on purpose, yes

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/apr/22/gadgets-should-make-life-easier-so-why-cant-i-turn-on-this-no-touch-tap

It must cause resentment that he's paid for this blather?

I saw that headline and immediately thought of here.

It takes almost as much effort to update chileswriter (tm) as he puts into the columns.

to us mere mortals, frustration at getting a tap to work would be a momentary annoyance, forgotten within five minutes, maximum. to The Chad Chiles, it's worth £5000. makes you think.

The surprising truth about Brexit Britain – the wild garlic smelled lovely, but I didn’t want to die there

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/28/looking-for-a-plastic-free-way-to-discard-dog-poo-i-have-the-answer

fantastic thread. glad to be made aware of this human milquetoast. like jean teasdale of the onion transformed into a middle aged english man.

I want to be this guy’s friend

Adrian Chiles is a Guardian columnist

I always hated Adrian Chiles based solely on his stint as Match of the Day 2 host, but i have to say as this thread has continued i have more and more time for him. The dealbreaker was the immaculate first two paragraphs of the how to deal with dog shite column followed by the start of the third:
"Then I heard from a despairing farmer on my radio show. "

like jean teasdale of the onion transformed into a middle aged english man.

lock ilx

I resolved to heed this call, but, on my next country walk, when the moment came, I could find no means of picking it up. There wasn’t a large leaf in sight.

Adrian mate, flick it with a stick.

I really think it's only a matter of time until Adrian Chiles writes a 'whatever happened to white dog-shite?' column in the Guardian.

tbf if he was writing for the telegraph hed suggest quotas prioritised brown dogshite

"Why we need an inspiring team talk to get us through the pandemic" - Adrian Chiles

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/13/why-we-need-an-inspiring-team-talk-to-get-us-through-the-pandemic

He's started channelling his inner David Brent.

I really think it's only a matter of time until Adrian Chiles writes a 'whatever happened to white dog-shite?' column in the Guardian.

Saw some the other day and thought of Adrian Chiles.

xp
someone should finish off the heading for him, it's just slapdash bottom-tier Chiles!

every time you think he can't top his last column, and every time

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/26/an-ear-and-nostril-waxing-is-exquisitely-painful-but-just-what-i-needed

haha omg that picture

Hmm, they don't put those "you should pay us money so we can keep doing our valuable journalism" banners under his articles huh

that's a wonderful column, perfect little dose of memoir, this man is my hero

Lol just came here to post this

Of course:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/jun/17/my-number-one-fear-in-life-being-boring

Amazing, beautiful.

next time he has a studio audience I hope they can organise themselves to all start yawning at him

breathtaking

It’s one of many reasons I can’t throw parties: one yawn from anyone and I want to throw everyone out.

go on

Thought this revive would be about Edwin Poots

For fans of Adrian Chiles, be sure not to miss his Antipodean counterpart: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/jun/18/my-microwave-door-got-stuck-with-food-inside-and-then-it-started-to-develop-a-malevolent-vibe

https://i.imgur.com/XFkgiYv.jpg

poll options not as enticingly phrased, but 3 Dec is a strong winner

i'm enjoying the laundry horror show tbqf

huge gratitude to this thread for introducing me to 'pooterish,' a perfect word

Chiles def. needs a Lupin Pooter figure to spark off; maybe the student son of his partner. Invent him if he doesn't exist: a columnist's goldmine.

this has definitely been a rookie of the year thread candidate

it's been a real joy to get to know Adrian

I hope one day he finds this thread and sees the joy he has brought.

I'm expecting ledge to end up being interviewed by Adrian Chiles about this.

― Wrote For Lunch (Tom D.), Friday, 5 March 2021 12:14 (three months ago) bookmarkflaglink

I'm still assiduously updating the chileswriter but I've refrained from going public with it.

Obviously mike t-diva should also meet the great man.

The straight-razor shave and waxing one…it should honestly be taught in writing classes.

"Humans can be a wonderful species, as I was reminded on a journey to Plymouth last week."

Classic Chiles this week, on inimitable form: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/14/a-stranger-on-a-train-and-a-small-stunning-act-of-kindness

Chiles's columns have also been parodied - rather well - by Craig Brown in the new Private Eye.

He's a master of the en dash.

"parodied - rather well - by Craig Brown"

^^^not having this, brown shd be chased into the thames with a cattleprod

he posted very reasonably

His Beatles Band book is good not bad! As is his Princess Margaret book. His PE parodies are variable, but this one works pretty well. Or maybe I was so thrilled to see it, that critical faculties were suspended...

Chiles is just getting started tbh.

This one is the odd one out. He is playing it straight and political.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/13/in-the-pandemic-27bn-worth-of-was-committed-why-arent-we-angrier

Not that I've read any of it beyond the headlines. But I might read that one.

https://www.gawker.com/media/adrian-chiles-does-not-miss

Chiles is bad now.

He's baconed but hey I don't think it'll change him

The baconing continues: he's going to be on the Taskmaster end of year special.

along with "Claudia Winkleman, Paralympian Jonnie Peacock, rapper, Lady Leshurr and former Conservative Cabinet Minister Baroness Sayeeda Warsi."

soon hes gnna thanos the h8as, cant be me dustified

Would not have predicted Chiles as being the breakout star of the one-off New Year edition of Taskmaster

I think Adrian Chiles is acutely aware of how surreally mundane he is, and it makes him all the funnier for it. He's like a performance piece on how weird normality can be. #Taskmaster

— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) January 1, 2022

I feel like seeing him consciously play up the surreally mundane thing just brings it to the point of curdling into schtick, it's only funny when you can at least half-believe it might be ingenuous

Disagree in this one instance tho normally id probably cosign

Cant even say why, the man has a dull power

maybe what makes Chiles surreal is that he's trying to tread this well trodden path of John Peel's Home Truths style 'self-consciously banal in a quirky way' vibe, but there's something *off* about it, so he comes across not as charming eccentric but as genuinely mental, in which case it was always a combination self-conscious and oblivious?

Oh hes a genuine threat, its like seeing boris on HIGNFY in 2004 or whatever

damn right! when he gave that right-wing QC free rein on his show to state blatant falsehoods about Hillsborough some might say that is part of his guileless persona - I just think it makes him a class A cunt tbh.

Tim Dowling seems to cornered the 'self-consciously banal in a quirky way' market in the Guardian. I'm astounded that he regularly gets 700 - 600 comments a column.

it was the last thing I cared about, and the squirrel ruined it

it would probably work as a Chiles column heading but when you see Tim's insufferably smug looking byline pic you immediately feel he's trying too hard and fuck off!

Reader, I clicked

https://i.imgur.com/Ujcmqcf.jpg

Perfect.

Next week's column:

"Does anyone
have tips about
how to unblock
a toilet?
Adrian Chiles

As someone who suffers from IBS I approve of comrade Chile's solidarity on this matter.

I'm in Kyiv and awake at the darkest hour - do you need to use my toilet?

I have a question for Russian tank drivers...

Fascinating

having a good dump after a Chile

Piles of Chiles: The collected columns

Chiles has really excelled himself this time:

I have a urinal in my flat and it has changed my life – so why are people appalled?

tbf this is like the anti-pooter

👑

Undefeated. Undefeatable. pic.twitter.com/bukRbsWEEr

— Elvis Buñuelo (@Mr_Considerate) May 4, 2022

just getting into this guy, such a life

not only did my mum have a favourite wooden spoon, but it was so chipped and ancient and gnarly that HER mum wd refer to it (with affection) as "e coli"

I've got one.

i do too, coincidentally the cheapest one we have. here's 8 paragraphs about it.

I still haven't forgotten the time Chiles just sat there while some right-wing barrister cunt was talking barefaced lies about Hillsborough victims on his R5 show, and he didn't challenge him at all. When he's not being ingratiatingly Chiles he's just basically another BBC cunt.

I've got a stainless steel Prestige saucepan that is probably from the 1950's. It was given to my mum by my grandmother when she was still living in Ireland in the early 60's. It doesn't even look old, no dents, can still tighten the handle tight with a driver, the thread and screw still fine. It's more of a design miracle than any NASA project.

Kevin came bursting into my office this morning, asking if I'd read today's Chiles column... because "that's me, that's me, I have a favourite spoon too!"

(He doesn't read Private Eye, so knows nothing of the Me And My Spoon column.)

Gotta admit I kinda resent my wooden kitchen implements for having to be handwashed.

tbh i dishwash my wooden spoons (all of which were my mum's before me and are decades old and in fine fettle)

(not e coli tho, my sister says that went on the bonfire when we closed up mum and dad's house: she was less of a fan than my grandma)

Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man pic.twitter.com/15HvMl1gM5

— HMP Groverhaus (@EssexFront) July 6, 2022

"Many men can look good wearing a codpiece. I am not one of them."

Wise words. I went one step further than Chiles and downloaded a fauna-identifying app and deleted it as soon as it started aggressively prompting me for bank details before I'd even tried it out.

I downloaded a couple of mushroom identification apps but they completely failed to tell me the one thing I wanted to know about mushrooms

it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

"yes, it's definitely a pebble"

lol "it's a fucking cob"

I got a back-to-front West Brom tattoo - and I love it

Column doesn't say much more than the title so no real purpose in linking to it.

calzino at 9:14 6 Jul 22
it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

In the nation’s hour of need

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/21/i-recently-saw-something-in-a-petrol-station-toilet-southbound-on-the-m1-that-i-can-never-unsee

Misread the last sentence as Adrian offering his services to clean the bogs himself! No chance, best left to those who earn in 6 months what he was probably paid to dribble out this bilge.

yeah I was thinking exactly the same tbh - "I'd make sure the toilet cleaners did a proper job" is not exactly "he never misses". But I realised he was a lickspittle that day he gave some barrister arsehole free reign to slur Hillsborough victims on 5 live.

The King is BACK pic.twitter.com/xvBtldmunB

— Badger Meinhof (@Badger5000) October 27, 2022

sad to discover Chiles has never seen The Jerk

https://theap.substack.com/p/the-honourable-schoolboy

The one time Adrian Chiles says something moderately serious, they take the piss out of him with the photo... pic.twitter.com/OA3GZvdw1a

— David Andress (@ProfDaveAndress) March 2, 2023

Another classic has dropped

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/15/i-have-a-naked-lookalike-and-he-is-making-a-fortune-on-onlyfans-adrian-chiles

Incredible development

https://t.co/Uxx5zi26Qc pic.twitter.com/nx8tg3jBnQ

— stephen (@stepheniscowboy) March 19, 2023

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/adrian-chiles-guardian-column-interview.html

Your columns have this cult appeal. People really love them. Has that surprised you?

Well, it does surprise me, but I’m always thinking people are half taking the piss, just because it can be so pooterish.

What a blessed human being. I reread the straight razor shave and nostril wax one regularly.

Hope that Chiles' drivel in this week's column about university contact hours and funding will finally stop the love-in about his journalism. Jesus wept.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/29/english-students-spend-a-fortune-to-go-to-university-shouldnt-that-buy-them-more-teaching-and-less-partying

whenever he drops the ingratiating performance shtick all that remains is a clueless arsehole with reactionary and bad opinions, "he never misses" though. I guess you can get away with any old ill informed shit when you are married to the editor.

Heaven spare us from Adrian Chiles expounding on yet another thing he knows nothing about. Who the hell is paying him to compare a single French fashion student to the entire English university sector (based on a handful of people he vaguely knows)? Oh, wait...

— Caroline Dodds Pennock (@carolinepennock) March 30, 2023

Is he wrong? Maybe things have changed but when I spent a semester at Glasgow in the 90s it was party time, all the time. I had been intending to go for an entire year but I realised that I wasn't really learning anything so I went back to the US early.

The partying is as important a part of the uni experience as the learning, I think is the point. I learned way more about how to socialize and deal with ppl from my uni years than I learned about the subject I was studying.

https://i.imgur.com/CS7Afry.png

https://i.imgur.com/IfBiSEN.png

The bloom may be off the semi ironic “he never misses” rose but chiles generator is still a banger is basically how I break it down to an extent

It's now updated with all of his columns (260, apparently) and I've automated the parsing, though it's a bit buggy. Next stop a twitter bot, unless twitter dies first.

tired: most pooterish AC column
wired: most 'pooterish AI column

People are too in on this now e.g.

I thought I was immune to being fooled online. Then I saw the pope in a coat
Joel Golby

https://twitter.com/_ChilesBot

i like these columns.

Fake

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/05/pet-ill-never-forget-sea-monkeys-orgies

The mere mention of some of the people on this podcast will make some people spontaneously combust but, there's no doubt about it, Adrian Chiles gives a great interview: https://www.anotherslice.com/quicklykevin/dc181a49-e557-4e4b-8e13-706976ce6632

(It's the Quickly Kevin 90s football podcast. Chiles is on to talk about West Brom obviously, but he talks a lot about his time hosting BBC/ITV football coverage.)

Quick let's do ten incredible and super-British Adrian Chiles columns in a row

one pic.twitter.com/wtOvto1bBP

— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) June 15, 2023

the most beautiful phrase in the English language is not "cellar door" it's "I panic-bought a dart board"

Some even need to be seen in context to be even funnierhttps://t.co/FgddxIiAG0

— The 984 (@The_984) June 15, 2023

That's easily the best column, you don't even need to read it.

You don’t need to read any of them, that would be doing it wrong

Ok Chile's has competition

I'm not sure what the Daily Mail thought they were getting for their six-figure Boris Johnson column, but I doubt 1,000 rambling words on why he took appetite suppressants for a bit, but gave them up after they made him feel a bit sick, was it. pic.twitter.com/naN1B3q4yy

— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 16, 2023

I want the follow-up where he tries meth instead.

Ha, my first thought when reading Johnson's column (yes, I went there) was "he's no Adrian Chiles". It's surprisingly poorly executed, and does nothing for his alleged reputation as an eloquent and witty columnist.

I had a torrid time with some pitiful, dried-out geraniums
on a three-for-£5 offer.
They just wouldn’t scan.
I got them for nothing in the end,
but they all died anyway.

https://www.theguardian.com/business/commentisfree/2023/aug/02/want-a-glimpse-of-dystopia-visit-the-self-service-checkouts

he's our Larkin

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/30/have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-split-my-trousers

Haven't read beyond the headline because I don't need to, and neither do you

i'll wait for have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-shat-meself

This is actually very well done

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/nov/02/the-left-lane-on-a-motorway-is-for-the-virtuous-and-the-good-thats-why-i-love-it

Sublime

When the dog shook its head I lost it

ITV Sport Presenter Adrian Chiles eats a banana during the second half of the FIFA World Cup Qualifier - Group H - Ukraine v England (2013) pic.twitter.com/29yzrJ6OGJ

— Great British Getty Images (@shitbritishpics) January 14, 2024

Actually felt quite emotional after reading this.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/feb/14/i-was-injured-miserable-and-lost-then-steve-wright-saved-me

And even more so reading this. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/20/ive-spent-a-lifetime-dreading-the-loss-of-a-parent-and-now-its-finally-happened

My god

that was very moving.

A stunning piece. My wife's father passed two years ago, this story matches that one in many ways.

i think its all the better because there's still the odd hint of pooterishness

It'll be a bit jarring when next week he's back to how he folds his underpants or whatever...

that's kind of life though isn't it? you suffer some tragedy but the laundry still has to be done

That's a terrific articulation. My dad died at the same age as Chiles' father when I was in my late 40s, and this all seems tremendously familiar to me.

jfc, no-one will be calling this stunning

https://www.theguardian.com/world/article/2024/jun/12/i-feel-squeamish-talking-to-germans-about-the-war-is-it-a-british-thing

not chiles but this one pops into my head every time i see this thread

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/sep/05/wasps-stung-me-in-the-testicles-but-i-love-them-anyway

More good balls content from 2015

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/23/sexual-desirability-balls-afterthought

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/jan/29/i-have-lost-all-faith-in-zips

maybe he can ask his partner for a payrise or a few more articles per week

there are stalls in shepherd's bush market that can fix his zip for a fiver

I just bought a key for bleeding radiators. I might suggest an article.

I read that as "I just bought a key, for bleedin' radiators", and that confused me. Why the random swearing?

And then it dawned on me that it was literally for bleeding radiators. Carry on.

Another classic from the great man. Scatter cushions and bedspreads – can someone explain to me what they’re for?

I basically agree but I still resent him getting paid for this shit.

Every night I hurl them off the bed. Every morning they are replaced. Off, on, off, on, for ever. Serving no purpose whatsoever.

cmon this is some deep philosophy, history will regard him as the Samuel Beckett of our age

I agree with what he says, but I think will attack with my life his right to say it.

Never forget, Chi-Lo has a urinal in his flat. A urinal with a West Brom badge above it. He's a ruddy, bloody bloke. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/apr/21/urinal-in-my-flat-changed-my-life-so-why-are-people-appalled

Fully plumbed in, like.

Unbelievable weird

I'd pay anyone to be that weird. But it would be like, 50p.

Picturing Chiles insistently telling an amazon delivery driver "come on in it's ok, I've got a urinal and everything"

I knew everyone would hate my mustard shorts. That didn’t stop me buying them
Adrian Chiles

Picturing Chiles insistently telling an amazon delivery driver "come on in it's ok, I've got a urinal and everything"

― a ZX spectrum is haunting Europe (Daniel_Rf), Friday, 21 March 2025 10:00 (two months ago) bookmarkflaglink

You saw his cameo spot on "Sex lives of the Potato Men", yeah?

he discovers that everyone is an edgelord in his new column; it is a new low.

He has another one today talking about a pair of shorts. How much money is he raking in for this total shit?

Not that much tbh. About £25k a year last I heard.

I guess still feels a lot relative to the content being provided, but then a lot of people probably love it.

Because what started as an opinion they only conceived in order to shock may, like Tolkien’s ring, overwhelm them. It will become their truth, and the edgelord will turn into Gollum.

I knew it, Gollum was just trolling for attention the whole time.

I know we are broadly pro-Chiles here, but his use of the word "rock" in this headline is very much not good.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/jun/18/few-men-can-really-rock-a-moustache-timothee-chalamet-is-not-one-of-them

adrian chiles: "I didn't write the headline!"

rocks should only be thrown at Adrian Chiles, or dropped onto his head from your vantage point when you have climbed up a chestnut tree.

Guardian writers don’t get to write their own headlines. This can sometimes make them look daft.

https://i.postimg.cc/9MN56ghh/gaurdasdfj.jpg

hahahaha omg

Multiple IRL LOLs happening here.

Hahahaha.

ok, that's the funniest thing i have seen in a very long time.
genuine LOLs.