Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise/IP-based flick of 2024

Joker 2 will make me the most nauseous
Twisters will only be good if the main character is a tornado and Bill Paxton's daughter tries to murder it in revenge

I went to the cinema with my kids to see the last sonic the hedgehog film and the thought of seeing another one made me shudder, so that.

Deadpool 3

oh god

Piece by Piece (Pharrell Williams biopic in Legos)

ok?

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/pharrell-williams-lego-movie-piece-by-piece-1234955076/

wait where's Biden vs Trump?

In there as megamind vs the doom syndicate

no Intellectual property detected

really want to emphasize how terrible the winehouse movie looks

voted for Kraven the Hunter because the poster suggests it feature Sam Taylor Johnson wearing normal pants and not the leopard print leggings Kraven had in the comics

I feel like Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is probably going to be the most disappointing

I wish I could vote for like 10 of these

idk about the inclusion of random biopics

Having seen the Ghostbusters 4 trailer, that.

Jerry Seinfeld will direct, produce, co-write and star in the film, which is based on a joke he told about the creation of the Pop-Tart.[2]

ok, this sounds pretty unpromising

I'm sure I voted Dune 2 last year, but in my defense, I didn't know they were going to release a popcorn box sex toy to go with it

Terrifier 3

Can't wait for Letterboxd edgelords to declare this the Citizen Kane of our times

I was going to include Air Force One Down, starring Anthony Michael Hall, but couldn't find any indication it was a sequel to Air Force One.

what is outlaw posse meant to be a sequel to/remake of?

Posse
It's a Mario Van Peebles film

Think it's a sequel to Air Force Three Across xps

is there a connection otherwise tho? or is it a crimes of the future thing, it isn't clear from a brief search

Jerry Seinfeld's writing career post-Seinfeld is taking throwaway movie titles the Seinfeld writers came up with but never used, and making them into feature-lengths

But still, Joker 2 is way more unpromising because of the attention it'll get

til Seinfeld's first name is Jerome

People will start saying "Jokerfied" again

Not voting Joker 2 because it's almost impossible for me to imagine disliking it more than Joker the first

Can't wait for Letterboxd edgelords to declare this the Citizen Kane of our times

― badpee pooper (Eric H.), Tuesday, February 6, 2024 3:56 PM (thirty-seven minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

can't wait to do exactly this

I think the Bob Marley one has now passed Wall Street 2 as my most seen trailer ever

Most promising is People's Joker, as it was pretty great

Not including this in this year's poll turned out prescient:

‘COYOTE VS ACME’ is now expected to be shelved and deleted forever.

Warner Bros wanted $75M - $80M for the film and rejected offers from Netflix, Amazon & Paramount, refusing to let them counter-offer.

(Source: https://t.co/CRJ33GW4SK) pic.twitter.com/fivqey7r39

— DiscussingFilm (@DiscussingFilm) February 9, 2024

loving this new trend of shooting movies and never releasing them

So this was not based on the Ian Frazier New Yorker piece?

it's based on a landfill, now!

Coyote Vs Acme is based on the New Yorker piece

I don't really understand why it bothers me that they are never releasing (or maybe outright deleting) a movie I would most likely never watch, but it does bother me for some reason, probably because I worry they might also do this same kind of thing to something I'd like to see.

the total disrespect and dehumanization of people trying to make their art, regardless of the quality?

Right, also the latent (and admittedly very snobby) hunch that the movies studios try to bury are probably way more interesting than the movies studios force upon the mass audience

Anything that's actually faithful to the Looney Tunes aesthetic/ethos is probably a specialty item these days

not to mention completely wasteful re: resources

Seeing mixed reports on whether this is a tax writeoff or not; tax law is completely beyond me tho

wouldn't be surprised if they just make 4 movies a year just to write-off taxes with no intent of release. taking the ashcan copy to new levels

I just cannot fathom being a creator, writer, director, actor or anyone that pours heart and soul into a project and it just *POOF* vanishes without even the chance to be seen by any audience. Not to make any of these disposed of films sound like high art, but surely someone involved put a lot of care and love into what they do and to just see it... gone? It is heartbreaking.

I just cannot fathom being a creator, writer, director, actor or anyone that pours heart and soul into a project and it just *POOF* vanishes without even the chance to be seen by any audience. Not to make any of these disposed of films sound like high art, but surely someone involved put a lot of care and love into what they do and to just see it... gone? It is heartbreaking.

― Maxmillion D. Boosted (jon /via/ chi 2.0)

idk i feel like that's kind of intrinsic part of being a creator, working really hard on something that nobody ever sees?

Kelly Reichart's latest film is an example of that, in more ways than one

I suppose it’s a bit like being an artist and a rich guy buys your painting and sets it on fire

no, it's like being an artist, and being commissioned to create paintings, with the promise that they will be sold to museums for display, and then the purchaser of the paintings driving the painting to the museum, getting to the parking lot, and lighting it on fire in front of the museum curators, laughing

in the background, Jethro Tull's "Thick as a Brick" plays

Sounds like something the Roadrunner might do

There isn't really going to be a Gladiator 2, is there?

idk i feel like that's kind of intrinsic part of being a creator, working really hard on something that nobody ever sees?

Yeah, but most times there's at least the opportunity for others to see it, even if its limited. These films aren't even getting that a chance. It's more like the mastering engineer hitting delete on the whole fucking thing after it's been recorded and mastered and ready to be sent back to that band/label.

Twisters had a $200 million budget and no "name" actors. directed by the minari guy which was quite a different genre.

woody woodpecker scared stupid is the boring but accurate choice.

Nothing communicates "we 100% totally understand the appeal of these movies" more than "the ghosts are faster now" as a sales pitch. pic.twitter.com/72UL1D11sN

— Lon Harris (@Lons) February 9, 2024

Worked with zombies, didn't it?

Dawn of the Dead: Bigger, Dumber, and Hornier

just glad we never got a Snyder sequel where there are zombie sex scenes

Yeah, but most times there's at least the opportunity for others to see it, even if its limited. These films aren't even getting that a chance. It's more like the mastering engineer hitting delete on the whole fucking thing after it's been recorded and mastered and ready to be sent back to that band/label.

― Maxmillion D. Boosted (jon /via/ chi 2.0)

i remember reading about a movie that was finished and got canned... there was a gore vidal biopic starring kevin spacey that got canned because, uh, it starred kevin spacey. a lot of people probably worked very hard on it. honestly i personally hate gore vidal for writing myra breckenridge (yes personal animosity is probably an overreaction)... and then there's... one of the things that interests me that i have a book on is film soundtracks that got canned. and sometimes they get released, like craig safan's score for "wolfen", but sometimes...

ah, you know what they say. ars brevis, vita brevis.

just glad we never got a Snyder sequel where there are zombie sex scenes

― never trust a big book and a simile (Neanderthal)

it's true, the monster fucker aficionados would never be satisfied with his approach. way too grimdark.

I'd be more likely to watch the Coyote movie than I would the vast majority of the poll options here

How is Abigail a remake of Dracula's Daughter?

Abigail is an upcoming American monster horror film directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett from a screenplay written by Stephen Shields and Guy Busick. Based on and a reimagining of the 1936 Universal Classic Monsters film Dracula's Daughter, the film stars Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Alisha Weir, Kathryn Newton, William Catlett, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud (in a posthumous film appearance), and Giancarlo Esposito.

Trailer shows no resemblance at all. It looks like a sequel to Ready Or Not

I just cannot fathom being a creator, writer, director, actor or anyone that pours heart and soul into a project and it just *POOF* vanishes without even the chance to be seen by any audience.

This person should never attempt to write a novel.

Hundreds of print on demand books

these days the print part of the equation has become easier, but the demand part remains as intractable as ever

Ballerina (Wick spinoff) - can't be worse than the Wick TV series

Where's the Wick game show

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2008701/

Another film that got canned is Hippie Hippie Shake, starring Sienna Miller and Cillian Murphy.

According to IMDB,

"After the box-office failure of Green Zone (2010), Working Title's parent company, Universal Pictures, wrote off this movie in an attempt to partially off-set that movie's loss of over one hundred million dollars. The insurers reportedly stipulated that the original camera negative be destroyed."

Harsh!

In July 2007, in a piece for The Guardian, feminist author Germaine Greer vehemently expressed her displeasure at being depicted, writing, "You used to have to die before assorted hacks started munching your remains and modelling a new version of you out of their own excreta." Greer refused to be involved with the film, just as she declined to read Neville's memoir before it was published (he had offered to change anything she found offensive). She did not want to meet with Emma Booth, who portrays her in the film, and concluded her article with her only advice for the actress: "Get an honest job."[10] Booth had just told The Brisbane Times, "It's going to be a bit scary playing her. Germaine is this ballsy lady. I am sure she is going to hate me."[11]

well, now i'm sad it was destroyed. germaine greer spewed some extremely vitriolic hatred against things that are, it turns out, totally fucking awesome.

on the other hand:

Ain't It Cool News interviewed a person who had attended a test screening, who said: "There are some predictable scenes, some hammy acting, some bad jokes, but they couldn't spoil my enjoyment. I'm sorry, but I really liked it." The viewer was especially impressed by Sienna Miller, saying, "And yes, there is full-frontal nudity from Sienna. She has a natural, un-made-up look for most of the film, one might even say uglified in places. But when kneeling in a garden drenched in daisies and with a beatific expression on her face, she poses for an 'alternative' Oz centrefold – she is stunningly, stunningly beautiful."[14] Jandy Stone from The Frame opined, "all the actors carry their parts well."

absolute chef's kiss to whatever wikipedia editor juxtaposed those two quotes, incidentally.

All these super expensive films being shelved is galling because it gives a sense of a grotesquely wasteful money laundering scheme, studios nakedly contemptuous of the public & art in general

Sort of like reading this list

All art as an accounting error is so where we are at.

All manners of bankruptcy

hear me out, what if _capitalism itself was a grotesquely wasteful money laundering scheme_

i know, total galaxy brain take. yes, i'm high. yes, it's 10 am.

Das Kapital V: Labor Theory of Vapor

This person should never attempt to write a novel.

You can write a novel, bind some xeroxes, set up a card table at a local street market, and sell upwards of two copies.

Das Kapital V: Labor Theory of Vapor

― Beyond Goo and Evol (President Keyes)

if that wasn't a vaporwave album before you made that post it is now

You can write a novel, bind some xeroxes, set up a card table at a local street market, and sell upwards of two copies.

― bae (sic)

one of my favorite things is unpublished autobios. somewhere i have a copy of albert glasser's, which i think is called "I Did It!" it seems weird, but it's inspirational to me. it's so easy to compare my writing to all of the great writing that's published. sometimes it's nice to instead compare my writing to albert glasser's autobiography instead.

I've Got My Own Biography To Do!

This will be absolutely terrible and yes I will see it at least twice in theaters ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdok0rZdmx4

I wonder if these twisters are the children of the twisters in Twister?

How often do twin twisters give birth to twin twisters?

Twister Sisters

should have put a dollar sign through the second "S," like James Cameron reportedly did in the pitch meeting for Aliens.

There isn't really going to be a Gladiator 2, is there?

― immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Friday, February 9, 2024 1:58 PM (three days ago) bookmarkflaglink

I wish Independence Day: Resurgence and Men in Black: International had been written off for tax purposes.

“2-wister” was right there

Wicked being in two parts is mind-numbingly masturbatory

Let's Twist Again

As we tried to cut songs or trim characters, those decisions began to feel like fatal compromises to the source material that has entertained us all for so many years.

hi, the original musical runs 2 hours and 30 minutes. the people who are going to see this in droves will not have issues sitting in a theatre for 2.5 hours, because so many tentpole blockbusters are that long anyway (Endgame was THREE HOURS). the fuck you need 3.5 - 4 hours for?

probably adding stuff from the source novel that wasn't in the musical, which....ain't but a small number of people gonna care about.

I mean, it'll do mad money and probably break records. from the perspective of watchability though...bleh

Peter Jackson's The Wizard of Oz

Part 1 will chronicle the tornado that devastates Kansas and the immediate after effects

Part 2 will introduce "Dorothy", who was mysteriously whisked away to Oz after the events of the first movie.

Part 3 will introduce the Cowardly Lion, and then delve into his back story

Part 4 will introduce the Tin Man, and dig into his traumatic past

Part 5 will just be the movie Wicked Parts 1 and 2

Part 6 will introduce the Scarecrow

Part 7 will

“2-wister” was right there

“2-wister” was right there

by David Fincher

I wish I could get excited for Bad Boys 4 but it's definitely going to be a bloated, unfunny mess. Will Smith, Martin Lawrence and a $15 million budget for someone like Craig Zahler but less of a fascist would probably rule.

I weirdly enjoyed Bad Boys 3 a lot

how is not b4d boys ffs

How did they already use Bad Boys For Life? That's when you use the 4!

Bad Boys 4fs

ignore bg's advice at your own peril, Hollywood!

My favourite part of a quiet place was the incredibly stupid exposition whiteboard the guy had in his basement & particularly the newspaper headline he cut out & displayed as a helpful reminder: IT’S SOUND!

So I’m hoping the prequel covers the point in the crisis where they finally deduce that the ear monsters can hear good

someone's carrying a huge boombox down the street and puts on Limp Bizkit, so he is immediately killed.

the people all deduce that the music of Limp Bizkit agitates the monsters, so they ban Limp Bizkit.

more people keep getting killed, including a lady who yelled "FUCKING ASSHOLE" at a nearby cyclist.

the people deduce that profanity agitates the monsters.

it is about two days later when they realize it is sound

Lil Jon yells out "TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?" and an alien eats him

^^^ studio notes for Asteroid City

Harold and the Purple Crayon

surprising that this is the only film based on a book scheduled for this year

I wish I could get excited for Bad Boys 4 but it's definitely going to be a bloated, unfunny mess. 

Same writer and directors as BB4L tbf

There isn't really going to be a Gladiator 2, is there?

In 2006, he said that none of the scripts that had been developed since 2001 had resolved his concerns about how to follow the original film and the main character’s death. He was apparently unconnected to the Nick Cave version circa 2009. In 2017, he said he was happy with an idea of how to deal with the dead lead. In 2018, he negotiated to sign on to a greenlit project. From 2019, he worked with the writer of his previous film (and another subsequent one) on a script that does not require resurrection. It filmed from June 2023, stood down for the SAG strike, wrapped three weeks ago, and is due out in November. (10 months from wrap to release.)

His previous film was announced in 2020, started shooting in February 2022, wrapped in June, and premiered in November 2023. (5 months.)

The one before that, he bought adaptation rights to soon after the book came out in 2000, attempted to get up in 2006, handed off to his daughter in 2012, signed on in November 2019, got funding in April 2020, completed another already-in-progress massive production in between COVID lockdowns, started shooting in February 2021, wrapped on May 8th and premiered on November 9th, three weeks after his previous one. (6 months.)

That previous one was announced in July 2019, began shooting on February 14th, wrapped after shutdowns on October 14th, and premiered a year and a day later because cinemas weren’t open. Which is pretty hard to blame on him.

His last pre-pandemic was reported in March 2017, shot from May to August, reshot for nine days in November after the sex criminal near-lead was cancelled, and premiered on December 18th, six months after his previous film. (19 days.) (!)

That previous was a sequel to a semi-sequel-kinda-prequel he had released in 2012 (32 years after his original, in the face of much skepticism), and he had announced his intention to do it before the 2012 release. It shot from April to July 2016, and premiered in May 2017. (10 months, lots of FX.)

In 2014, he signed on in May to a film that had been in development for 14 months, started shooting six months later, wrapped in March, and premiered in September. (6 months.)

That was following the least-acclaimed film of his career, which he announced in June 2012, shot from October 2013, wrapped circa January and released on December 4th 2014 (about 10 months, but timed to Xtian celebration.)

Four months before announcing that one, he’d signed on to his previous, begun shooting it four months later, took a week off for his brother’s death, resumed in September 2012, probably wrapped that month, and premiered in October 2013 (12-ish months, but might have taken some time to grieve between shoot and post.)

Meanwhile: he’d been in development on Alien 5 since 2000-2001, stepped away when AvP was greenlit, returned to developing it circa 2008, attempted to produce for another director, clashed with Fox in June 2009 over his attachment as director, signed on in July, hired another writer, announced the script was complete in June 2010, set a shoot for January 2011, saw another writer assigned to make it a standalone rather than a prequel in July 2010, and confirmed that screenplay in December, with the shoot pushed to March 2011, with principal wrapping in December and pickups in January 2012; premiere was April (2.5 months.)

That’s halfway back; nine films in 12 years, an average of 6.5 months between wrap and premiere for the eight where cinemas existed.

In the 12 years between that and Gladiator, he cracked out eight, three of which also starred Russell Crowe, and another of which was a highly-doubted-in-development sequel to a huge hit with seemingly-insurmountable challenges in casting.

Pretty reliable track record that makes it unlikely any film he’s wrapped wouldn’t complete post, let alone in that time frame, I reckon.

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/feb/13/madame-web-marvel-movie-review

There is nothing gritty or believable about any of it. The film is as dumb and schlocky as the worst of the genre, with lousy network TV effects, uninvolving action and unfunny and inelegant dialogue, its characters drowning in poorly written exposition (even if the much-memed viral line from the trailer is sadly not in the movie itself).

wtf

What is the viral line?

“He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.”

THANK GOD FOR NEPOTISM i scream every time Dakota Johnson opens her mouth pic.twitter.com/qUX4VgsI0n

— Carrie Wittmer 👻 (@carriesnotscary) February 8, 2024

That guy seems like a dunce too tbf, the reason the line was memed was because of how clunky it is not because it’s confusing out of context

Johnson was fine in her short-lived sitcom with Nat Faxon, tbh mid-level sitcom is probably more the lane she should have stayed in.

Dakota Johnson + Elvis's granddaughter in a remake of Thelma & Louise - you can send me a check or Venmo to get this project going, Hollywood

Who can be the nepobaby Brad Pitt?

Will Smith's kid?

Bon Jovi’s kid

Peak Dakota:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUj8t9WOOS4

Jesus Christ she was Gold in that scene

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iPfg5U6Mhs

I never saw the 50 Shades movies but she seemed like an odd casting choice

I think I did a good job editing this movie considering I was playing Counter Strike on my primary monitor the entire time https://t.co/kURVFcSVQh

— Lead Actor from Pixar’s Sodas (@ByYourLogic) February 13, 2024

had to keep rewatching the first 5 seconds like wtf are there two of her or what

keeping their powder dry for twist3r

― memphis milano: the new trend of the 80s (bizarro gazzara)

starring a femboy who still manages to pass better than i do

Pretty reliable track record that makes it unlikely any film he’s wrapped wouldn’t complete post, let alone in that time frame, I reckon.

I'm not questioning Scott's ability to get it done, I'm aghast at the entire idea.

I think I already voted in this and can’t remember my vote

But now I feel passionately that the correct answer is The Fall Guy, a show that barely existed even when it was a going concern

The Fall Guy was huge in the UK

I have an unexplainable fondness for The Fall Guy but I don't remember ever seeing an actual episode just memories of the intro where he's bombing around in his baby shit brown lifted pickup.

good theme song iirc

Road House definitely has a chance to bomb spectacularly only if because the original's charm is the merging of nonsensical, bizarre material with po-faced delivery. even if they recreate Ben Gazarra's unhinged driving to "Sh-Boom", or deliver new things that are equally batty, it'll feel forced.

part of me feels like Swayze was about the only lead who could play Dalton and give it the ott commitment that ridiculous role required

I'm going with Harold and the Purple Crayon...I know Kal Penn has retired from acting but it's just mean to replace him with a crayon

fond memories of texting a friend and asking if he wanted to see TAKEN 3 and he responded "only if the poster says TAK3N"

needless to say, yup

4TAKEN

father why have you 4taken me

I remember watching The Fall Guy a lot as a kid, probably because it was on.

But tbf, the film has a solid cast (anchored by two leads each nominated for an Oscar this year), and the director can be pretty smart with big and dumb. I won't see it, but I'd see it before, like, "Twisters."

david leitch has never made a good movie

let alone “smart with big and dumb”

Josh has previously confused Leitch with Stahelski

i guess every attempt bullet train made to seem smart and self-reflexive made it aggressively dumber and more irritating, that takes work, talent even

i'll give him this. he was the right guy for deadpool 2

Fall Guy was one of my favorite shows when I was 4. I don't remember anything about it. Might still have my toy truck around here somewhere.

want to know something funny?

I read that Ryan Gosling was going to be in The Fall Guy the other day and in my tired state, I got it mixed up with the video game Fall Guys and thought "oh, guess that makes sense after Barbie"

“ Fall Guy was one of my favorite shows when I was 4. I don't remember anything about it.”

I was slightly older but same

The Fall Guy

If it could only be a remake of https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0020869/....

and then a movie about an eccentric millionaire who has a ranch full of horses.

The Foal Guy

I used to watch The Fall Guy all the time (along with other 80s imported US action shows like The A-Team, Airwolf, Blue Thunder, Knight Rider etc etc)

Haven't seen it in almost 40 years but could still probably sing most of the theme tune

Actually, was Blue Thunder a show or a movie? Or was it both?

A movie and then a show, I think

It was both. (The TV show starred Dana Carvey, believe it or not.) But the show was a failure and only lasted 11 episodes, unlike Airwolf, which ran for four seasons.

fond memories of texting a friend and asking if he wanted to see TAKEN 3 and he responded "only if the poster says TAK3N"

needless to say, yup

2KEN

Has the "a guy and a vehicle" genre ever been given the prestige tv treatment?

It's unmined territory, much like the talking horse genre

the Fall Guy theme song is indeed a banger. i actually thought the trailer looked entertaining, not that i watch any of this shit, but there was a refreshingly old school "real cars doing jumps and flips" vibe to it

xp - I feel like Poker Face nearly touched on that genre with the Barracuda she drove around.

and then a movie about an eccentric millionaire who has a ranch full of horses.

The Foal Guy

― Neanderthal, Wednesday, February 14, 2024 11:40 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Then a spinoff for Monty Python's Mr Creosote...The Full Guy?

I read that Ryan Gosling was going to be in The Fall Guy the other day and in my tired state, I got it mixed up with the video game Fall Guys and thought "oh, guess that makes sense after Barbie"

yeah, I also misread this and assumed they were making a "Fall Guys" movie (my kids have played that game a lot) and honestly didn't give it a second thought, I mean why not make a Fall Guys movie at this point.

I guess the Fall Guy was on TV when I was a little kid, but I don't remember ever having watched it.

Cancelling Dune 3 to put the money into an epic sci-fi Toejam & Earl film

um I'd be there in a flash

get E-40 to play Earl

The Fall Guy will only be the second ABC series debuting in the 1981-82 season to be adapted-- the other was Police Squad.
Why haven't they made a T.J. Hooker movie yet?

“He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.”

my sister and I used to love quoting "Blade's mother was bitten by a vampire when she was pregnant with Blade," from the Blade trailer, but then I finally saw Blade a few years ago and the line was different. gonna assume they changed it.

obviously lines appearing in trailers and not in the movie itself isn't a new thing, but it does seem to be more common now, and I feel like now they're just coming up with catchy one-liners to put in trailers to hook people that they have no intention of putting in the movie.

like my friend still quotes "Times for some seasons BEATINGS!" when he quotes Violent Night, and it's not actually said in the movie, just the trailer.

still say the all-time most egregious bullshit was The Mighty Ducks's original trailer, where they edited two pieces of dialogue together to:

"You really suck!"
"Thank you for sharing that"

when the "thank you for sharing that" was a response to the goalie saying he wouldn't be available later in the season as he was moving to Philly.

whereas the trailer for fuckin Rogue One was not only full of them, but also gave a different interpretation of Jyn Erso's character as a fully-formed Rebel from the jump.

really glad they cut "I'm a Rebel. I rebel." though

my favorite remains, from Murder at 1600 -- "I've got a murder at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. An address that changes all the rules."

Lol, yeah, I totally confused Leitch with Stahelski. Again. I don't think I've seen anything else from Leitch besides "Deadpool 2," which was iirc fine. Of course Stahelski, even then all he's directed have been John Wick movies, right? I guess Stahelski is good at John Wick movies.

He’s the best at it.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Voted Road House. It's like trying to remake an Ed Wood film.

It takes place in the Florida Keys, but shot in the Dominican Republic

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

truly, there were no wrong answers here. one of the grimmest lineups since you started doing these, PK.

The winner is one I didn't initially see in the list lol

But deserved

Surprised to see People's Joker score so high, that's probably one of the most promising, imho, from what I've heard about. Did voters think it was the official Phoenix Joker sequel (it's not):

The film unofficially parodies characters from the Batman comics, and the main character is a transgender woman based on the Joker, played by Drew. The film also features Scott Aukerman, Tim Heidecker, Maria Bamford, David Liebe Hart, Robert Wuhl, and Bob Odenkirk in supporting roles.

I'll confess to voting based on the assumption that it was related to the unjustly feted Phoenix movie. A whole different category of obnoxious, helping me break the tie between all the other cynical cash-in dreck seen here. I guess I'd change my vote to Ghostbusters.

despite the appearances it seems like a one-off small budget satirical thing not really worthy of mentioning re: the thread title

I love some of the people involved, but I can't imagine it's anything other than terrible.

a dystopian world monitored by Batman, a young child grows up in Smallville, Kansas idolizing the performers on a sketch comedy program, UCB Live.

I would rather see the real Joker sequel.

Yeah, that sounds terrible. "Subversive" takes on superhero tripe are no better than superhero tripe, and frequently worse.

oh, yeah my vote was probably for the wrong Joker

vera drew is the editor of on cinema and i’m really excited to see that movie, and also you’re all dumb

Early press is great and tbh I will see the shit out of it

Kevin O’Neill and Pat Mills is no better than Dan Jurgens and Dan Jurgens, it’s true

Yeah, People's Joker has had nothing but good hype from ppl I trust.

it's really good, also ivy otm

The film also features Scott Aukerman,

i'm out

"The Beatles: Sir Sam Mendes to direct four films - one about each band member"

https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-68350477

Do KISS next

then the Grateful Dead

then stop when you get to Emerson, Lake & Palmer

The News VI: The Passion of Stef Burns

can't believe Sir Sam Mendes is going to make some bad, pointless films

xpost - let's dream bigger, The News franchise is just one small part of the extended WATWCU (We Are the World Cinematic Universe)

I'm thinking of Jay Duplass as Eric Clapton playing "Layla" for Patty Boyd (Sunny Sweeney) in the George Harrison (Timothy Chalamet) bio

Poshomon

It's kind of impressive that, with twenty years to improve upon the first shitty CGI Garfield, the new iteration looks equally shitty but just a different kind of shitty.

They had to deploy Chris Pratt to make it shittier

https://i.imgur.com/XFN055T.jpeg

https://i.postimg.cc/d38Dgh6c/20240313-203012.jpg

vomit

hopefully that'll be a movie about people fetishising their memories of the first movie

Is this only the second ever Spielberg (sans Lucas) sequel?

Ready Player Two is just going to be Raekwon rapping the names of pop culture characters over a droney hip-hop beat, while their pictures appear on the screens

xp Jurassic Park?

He's not directing apparently xps

xp Ah you said second, sorry.

He has the historical trilogy: Amistad, Lincoln and 1941.

2 Fabel 2 Mans

I managed to miss voting in this & just catching up — ivy otm first of all — but I’d made up my mind to vote for untitled karate kid movie, just seems extra rapacious that they’ve done the cobra kai thing & miraculously ppl actually like it! but they have to also have this thing that has no relation to that but merges the Ralph Macchio & Jackie Chan universes, every market all at once

4 star review for The Fall Guy in the Guardian today, sigh/lol

Saw the trailer for that in the cinema last week and whilst it didn't look completely awful, other than Ryan Gosling being a stuntman it appeared to bear no relation to the series whatsoever

i'll be honest, i'm not sure how deep the original lore is for The Fall Guy

I can't remember if it was strictly episode by episode, or if there was an overarching plot or villain. Like, was it all stunt-monster of the week, or was there stunt-mythology, too? I honestly can't remember, I know I saw this show but only because a) maybe it was on close to A-Team and Knight Rider and b) it was on. Regardless, I doubt this movie was made due to any sort of nostalgia or affinity for the show, it was probably just a dangling cheap IP.

Basic premise was he was a stuntman who also moonlit as a bounty hunter so the format was very much case of the week

He was also a cyborg

What's $6 million adjusted for inflation? (Please include the appropriate bionic sound effect.)

Missing The Crow, which I just saw the trailer for and it looks fucking terrible. All the gothic aesthetic is completely absent.

Yeah, I couldn't even make it through the trailer.

Not sure where it's at production-wise, but Danny Boyle & Cillian Murphy are working on a new 28 Days Later... 28 Years Later? I dunno

Not sure Murphy's attached atm but Alex Garland is writing them (because of course it's actually going to be a trilogy of new films)

Hope the last one is called 28 Millennia Later and is set in the year 30002

In space, no one can turn on the lights
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTNMt84KT0k

The CGI alien action shots look like shit.

IP overload there: "From the Director of the Evil Dead" o rilly?

he did the remake. a movie i love, so im really looking forward to this

Agree with ivy. Alvarez's movies (Don't Breathe and the Evil Dead remake) are good. He's got a real way with watch-through-your-fingers violence; I'm a lot more interested in this than Alien: Covenant, which I still haven't seen.

yeah, I figured there must have been a remake, since every horror movie has been remade

Appreciated most of "Don't Breathe" (didn't see the sequel, did he do that, too?), did not like "Evil Dead" remake (but not sure I finished it, either). Not sure his magic mix of mean, ugly and gross will make this series better, or right the ship from the last two embarrassing Ridley Alien movies, but who knows. Mostly I'm looking forward to Noah Hawley's Alien show.

No shade against the film but it really should say "from the director of the evil dead (2013)"

Sadly, the world contains many people younger than us.

They shouldn't be watching Alien movies. That's for olds.

really didn't feel the Evil Dead remake, too po-faced and by the numbers for me, but i know some people love it

Yeah it was definitely not my thing. I felt like Evil Dead Rise, while being a sequel rather than remake, did a better job of creating an atmosphere that balanced grounded horror with the franchise's signature humor and over the top theatrics

The nightmare never ends

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twisted_Childhood_Universe#Upcoming

such a missed opportunity to call it The Baconing franchise

The franchise's first installment, Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, was met with a negative critical reception and a more mixed fan reception, though it turned a profit at the box office. The movie's quality was called into question, with criticisms directed at the script, acting, cinematography, and use of humor.

I like this phrasing.

These things read like throwaway Key & Peele parody trailers.

Blood & honey 2 should really have been in this poll & I resubmit that random biopics should be excluded

Denied

A biopic using the popularity and songs of Bob Marley is just as much of an IP offender as is the Fall Guy using the title and the idea of a stuntman doing stuff

I'm not sure it should be permissible to use a song from 1974 as trailer music for a movie set in 1963.

It feels neither close enough nor far enough away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lqRPUhPfho

I got a decent lol out of Jerry saying "Xanthan!"

How is it that Fall Guy is coming out on Friday when it feels like it has already been out for six weeks?

Turns out teasing a movie for three months solid before actually releasing it is a bad release strategy

Very telling that when I tried to look up what movies came out this weekend all I get are results for streaming

I just tried and the first five results were for theaters and the sixth combined theaters and “major streaming platforms.”

Ok so what and out this weekend?

Pretty sure that the marketing of The Fall Guy was driven by the desire to capture as much of the mega-huge audience for Barbie as possible and this was to be accomplished by driving Ryan Gosling into our brains with a nail gun.

Ok so what and out this weekend?

AND WHAT

Kingdom Ape Planet
Poolman
Tarot
We Grown Now
The Dry 2: The Wet Force Of Nature: The Dry 2
Not Another Tyler Perry Movie
Last Stop In Yuma County
Srikanth
Lazareth
Three Promises
Aggro Dr1ft
Gasoline Rainbow
Hazard
Triple 7
The Image Of You

and the Met Opera's Madama Butterfly

Sounds like a Redbox screen

…in that it’s a list of recent movies? (only two of which are relevant to the thread)

No it sounds like the stuff in the theatres sounds like stuff that in the past would be straight to DvD

i'm seeing Kingdom Ape Planet tomorrow, I have high expectations

a typical list of direct-to-DVD films, any given week prior to 2024:

a $157 million franchise blockbuster that is also #1 at the theatrical box office with $129 million taken in three days
the sequel to an English-language country's 14th-highest-grossing hit of all time
a biography of a visually impaired entepreneur promoted by disability rights orgs
a Harmony Korine action film shot entirely on infrared cameras
an inspirational drama film about kids growing up in a Chicago housing project in the 90s
the latest semi-fiction-semi-doco feature by The Ross Brothers

Save Hollywood, TWISTERS! 🌪️

if it's not in 3D, they fucked up

having now seen Aggro Dr1ft on a cinerama screen with a hyped Friday night audience, I'm urgently keen for P-Keyes to update the thread regularly with that week's equivalent (and a healthy list of DTV versions from years past)

missed the Ross bros one locally tho

if it's not in 3D, they fucked up

they could just call the next one TWIST3D

I'll go see that to catch up on Kiernan Shipka, who I'm pretty sure I haven't seen once since Mad Men ended. I like the original. From what I remember, the first minute of the trailer is almost identical to the original's.

Unfrosted: The Pop Tart Story has been four weeks in release. Has anyone here seen it? Has anyone at all seen it?

Lots of discussion about it in the Is It On Netflix...? streaming thread and the Seinfeld thread.

so saw Twisters finally and...ok, obviously I knew the main conceit of the film (taming a tornado) wasn't actually possible: https://www.noaa.gov/twisters-noaa-tornado-science-behind-the-scenes

but that isn't the problem, movie logic says it is. that's fine. that said, having a human being defeat a tornado in the climax was one of the dumbest things I've seen in a blockbuster. and I had liked it up until that point!

i'm vaguely fond of the og twister thanks to a science teacher springing it on us it in lieu of something more boring/educational

re: ii, part of me loves this idea of a person defeating a tornado, like that is some deep ridiculousness. is it the power of love? do they embrace the twister, which then breaks into tears and hugs them back? if they hurl nukes at it like trump i will be vexed. maybe telekinesis saves the day, tremendous soundtrack swelling as a child actor bares their teeth while strenuously wiggling their fingers at the cgi! i feel that would be the right direction for this franchise.

in the threequel (twist3rs!) the enraged babies of the felled twister converge upon the tornado slayer in the most wildass 3-headed cerberus of a twister ever to fling a cow

by the fourth movie i think the cows will have had enough and rise up against humans and twisters, who will need to join forces against the bovine enemy. methane cow farts will feature prominently in this film, which will segue seamlessly into the new Planet of the Cows universe.

in conclusion kevin feige is a chump and i will fite him

that's the thing w/ me with the Twister movie is that they play everything po-faced, which is FINE, it's a disaster movie, but if you're gonna throw in something ridiculous like SCIENTIST UPLOADS VIRUS INTO FUNNEL CLOUD TO DEFEAT TORNADO, then you need some level of camp to sell it, but this entire movie was maudlin 'look at the ruins' shit.

I really wish they'd gone the gonzo route because your threequel is infinitely more entertaining. in the fourth ambye the Tornadoes are crime lords that control all of Tornado Alley and a sheriff has to take them down

bump

thanks, hl.

Yeah, so I saw Beetlejuice Beetlejuice last night on the strength of a 76% Rotten Tomatoes score and listening to two podcast reviews (paused before the spoilers) that both said something along the lines of this was "Burton's best film in a long time" and "had too many subplots in the beginning but the third act brings it all together."

Guys, there are maybe 10-15 minutes worth of genuinely entertaining moments, but what a piece of shit, honestly.

*What they did to Winona Ryder's character is fucking deplorable.
*The third act did not bring it all together.
*MacArthur Park is no substitute for Harry Belafonte.
* The afterlife has a "Soul Train" and it's loud and obnoxious and I'm pretty sure its the only place you'll see a black person in this movie.

You didnt like how every scene was just people rapid-fire spitting exposition at each other because they had to rush through 6 plotlines in 100 minutes?

https://nerdist.com/article/alien-tv-series-noah-hawley-artificial-intelligence-weyland-yutani/

a mysterious CEO called Boy Kavalier. Essie Davis and Adarsh Gourav also join the series as Dame Silvia and Slightly.

a character named Tootles

who keeps naming alien franchise characters like this and can i get them to saddle my enemies with similarly comical sobriquets

Wendy, who is a hybrid, a meta-human who has the brain and consciousness of a child but the body of an adult

they're not actually doing a bornsexyyesterday are they? there must surely be some kind of subversion to the trope here, nobody would do that straight anymore?

Didn’t Emma Stone just win an Oscar playing that role?

probably, i wasn't paying attention

i need to stop being surprised when people make the dumbest choice possible!

wau @ the plot to that emma stone joint i just looked up, btw

It's a great film though.

Also, I'm giving the Alien series the benefit of the doubt due to Hawley's involvement

same. he’s done some great television and I’m curious how he’ll do sci fi/horror

I just read that the Wicked movie is almost three hours long and it's only the first half of the thing? Is the Broadway show six hours long? That seems like a lot.

there's an hour of flying monkey torture

no, Broadway show is 2.5 hours, plus intermission. they padded this

Apparently one of my wife's work colleagues was at a showing last night that devolved into a shoving match because one lady was super pissed off that another family was very loudly singing along.

DRAMA

I saw that some theaters apparently have signs saying things to the effect of "please do not sing along at this showing. we have a sing-along showing in december!"

I've already seen friends posting pre-show anxiety - "IF I HEAR YOU SINGING YOU AND I ARE GONNA COME TO BLOWS".

when I saw the Rent movie musical nobody was doing it but it's probably because they were upset that it sucked

three hours and it's only half of the story? fucking hell.

For those that’ve been to a Taylor Swift show, is the stage volume loud enough to drown out the singalong tweens, or is the majority of what you hear the audience? I’d imagine that is licensing the Wicked participants.

President Keyes took over this annual thread in my absence last year, and if they’re still around I’ll leave them—or anyone else—with the option to start the 2025 one, mostly because I’m busy enough these days to sacrifice the hour I might spend combing Wikipedia for terrible films in the service of something more valuable. Not that I won’t still do it, of course—I just didn’t want to presume to snatch back ownership after leaving the board for a while. But really, I just wanted to give someone else the chance to take it off my hands.

By the way, I was only reminded of this thread this afternoon after I misread the listing of an upcoming Netflix film called La Dolce Villa as a remake of La Dolce Vita. So at least that doesn’t exist.

Not looking good so far:

Wolf Man
Superman
How To Train Your Dragon
The Smurfs Movie
Bride Of Frankenstein
Lilo & Stitch
Frankenstein
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
snow White
The Running Man
The Chronicles Of Narnia

oh, also a new adaptation of 'Animal Farm'

And The Toxic Avenger

You can have it back cryptosicko. Too many complaints from the voters.

Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise/IP-based flick of 2025

https://variety.com/2025/film/news/coyote-vs-acme-rescued-warner-bros-axed-finished-film-1236342588/

Ketchup Entertainment is expected to land distribution rights for “Coyote vs. Acme.” Thought the sale has not closed, the price tag will reportedly in the $50 million range, according to Deadline, which broke the news.

Ketchup Entertainment, an independent distributor, recently spearheaded the theatrical release of “The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie” after Warner Bros. Discovery decided to shop that film as well. “The Day the Earth Blew Up” opened in theaters on March 14 and has grossed $3.9 million at the domestic box office to date.

...

Ketchup Entertainment was founded in 2012 and has released independent films such as Michael Keaton’s comedy “Goodrich,” Ben Affleck’s thriller “Hypnotic” and Jessica Chastain’s drama “Memory.”

Day The Earth Blew Up is delightful, thank you mysterious money launderers and I promise to see your $50M mistake if physically able