How much do you care what other people think about you?

Other: I like thinking about what other people think of me.

Sometimes (not always of course) worrying about what other people will think about you will stop you from doing something regrettable.

i think it's good to be self-confident but it's also good to care about what other people think about you because if you stop caring you're probably a psycho douche

I want to be liked and I want to be right, and when those two things are in conflict I struggle, and I'd like to say I do more to be moral than to be popular but I can't say that's always true

I definitely care if someone I respect or value gives me valid feedback, but I'm often reactive to negativity directed at me if it seems unjust, even from people I don't otherwise care about. At least until I have worked my way through it and can shrug it off.

NV OTM. I monitor my behaviour, but not excessively, and I’m fine with the notion that people might criticise me behind my back, because that’s pretty much inevitable whoever you are.

It's always one small thing that comes back and hurts me, and it's always something that I didn't worry about before and/or after I did it. This is why I'm not going to try to work on my rejection sensitivity, it seems to be the only thing keeping me from becoming a bad person.

"I only care if someone I respect..." is correct but seems a little cocky in the context of this poll so I went with "mostly shrug it off".
I am egocentric and egoistic by tendency, and even stubborn. Being social is functional, it helps me achieve a balance. I'm not there to find out what others think of my opinions. Thinking mostly takes care of itself I find. Of course I do care how I'm received and take into account what people say, whether I show it or not. But I'm not anxious or insecure.
The opinions of the people who are closest or most precious to me matter exponentially, but it's paradoxically not friends that are always the truest. In the end, it's live and let live. I myself rarely think I can influence others except in discrete ways. People have to see things for themselves.

Our culture -- not merely American, mind -- has this fetish, found especially in self-help lit, for independence, as if to be yourself while hovering in the minds of others is a travesty.

I cared when I was younger but now it's not something I ever really think about. But then again I'm not social so I only ever talk to people at work and that's only about work stuff ie I did this and this today what would you like me to do next, or thanks for doing such and such. I guess therefore that people who know me either don't think about me or think I'm quiet and dull.Most of my work day is spent by myself so at least I'm not subjecting co workers to 7 1/2 hrs of near silence.

oscar, do you have mates you hang out with? Just curious.

Re Alfred's point on independence: this is another thing, there are very few original or new ideas. Rather be humble than proud about what you think.

or interdependence

Xp
No. I have a couple of friends who I exchange happy birthday texts with around our duh birthdays and for a couple of days afterwards and then perhaps a happy xmas hope you had a good one. Funny thing is they both live less than 15 miles away but we would never arrange to meet up anymore. Think the last time was about ten years ago.

Wish it were the first option, but all over the map.

Worry too much about it. Have recognised the pattern, intelectually am aware ppl mostly don't think about me as much as I think they do, everyone's mostly caught up in their own shit, and with years of therapy I've managed to work on this a little...but doubt I'll be rid of it altogether before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

A related thing is growing up mostly alienated from my peers and receiving a lot of praise from adults as a precocious kid has made me focus far too much on being Smart and Right as part of my sense of self-worth...which makes this place both perfect and terrible for me. Sorry to ppl I've lashed out against on here because of those tendencies, I am trying to work on them.

Went with “only people I respect,” which is the most true although I could picked “mostly shrug it off” too. As a kid and adolescent i definitely cared too much, in self-defeating ways. Learning to turn that down was key to a mostly happy adulthood.

During my 20's more than one friend, when discussing my non-existant romantic life, said "well so what if you get rejected, you won't know till you try, at the end of the day what does it matter if a random woman you barely know turns out not to like you?" and I felt like I was talking to aliens, of course that matters on an all but existential level!

intelectually am aware ppl mostly don't think about me as much as I think they do

Yeah really internalizing this was important for me. I find it a tremendously liberating thought.

Sadly I have to care about feedback at work, because I am paid to do so :-(

Otherwise if I respect you -- work or otherwise -- I'll listen.

What I've learned to do is this: when in company, I don't think about whether I'm liked. Instead, I guide myself - more subsconsciously than overtly - towards enabling the people I'm with to be their best selves.

I like that answer mike, I'm not able to do it

I'm pretty good a trivial conversation (according to my siblings) but I'm an extreme introvert and I don't like casual social situations. I haven't had even one real conversation with anyone else since the election, going on a week now!

It has been hard to contain my anger, but I keep telling myself that nobody cares what I think, they only care about their own self-interest

My new medicines make me care less about what people think of me. In a good way. Its a relief. I feel more in the moment. I'm more present when i talk to people and I don't dwell on the conversations I had during the day. I used to do that endlessly. Worry over them. Forever. Years. Decades. I still have a very hard time knowing what people think of me. That has always been a hard thing for me. I have certain mental barriers. It can be hard for me to connect/make contact. Someone I haven't seen/talked to since the 90s contacted me online and I shared something that I wrote with them and after reading it they said they could hear my voice and how what i wrote sounded like me. They could picture me saying it all. I was so shocked that they could even remember my voice! I don't think of myself as someone who leaves a mark or someone who is remembered.
I spent so many years torturing myself with memories of things i said and did. I know that lots of people do it. I am finally getting over that compulsion. It's such a sucky way to live.

i have realized over the past few years that i have a trait that seems to be unusual--it is very hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that people talk about me when i'm not physically present. obviously, this is something that happens--for example, i work in a big company and have a role with some visibility, so people are out there talking about me, but i barely ever think about this fact and it doesn't influence anything about how i act or what i do beyond what i would call common sense of how to behave and treat others.

so my answer may be closest to "i don't care?" i try to be a good person in my actions but there is no audience in my head that is checking me.

I think some people might think I don't give a shit at all. Like, my neighbours and people I only vaguely interact with. But really it's baked into my bones, my sinews. I constantly overthink interactions - both imagined and real - and will either avoid social interaction then worry that my absence will be taken as rude, or go, then worry about the things I've said or how I come across for days after (sometimes weeks, tbh). I'm fucking bored of it, to be honest.

I take comfort in the Buddhist notion of conceit - that we're inclined to find ourselves either too important or worthless and that neither is the case. Also that the Buddha noted that the urge to compare ourselves to others is fundamental and one of the hardest things to vanquish on the path to enlightenment.

But really it's baked into my bones, my sinews. I constantly overthink interactions - both imagined and real - and will either avoid social interaction then worry that my absence will be taken as rude, or go, then worry about the things I've said or how I come across for days after (sometimes weeks, tbh). I'm fucking bored of it, to be honest.

Ugh jesus somewhere between these two:

oops hit post too soon

I worry too much about it and need to stop
I am completely consumed and controlled by the imaginary audience in my head

This is one of my biggest obstacles. A lot of it is focused on and worry about my appearance but it's way more than that. Much of my anxiety disorder manifests itself in worrying about this and it fucking sucks. It impacts my life every single day and it's incredibly hard. I'm pretty sure it stems from being pretty brutally bullied through elementary and middle school and having a mother who was hypercritical of every aspect of me.

I also have rejection sensitive dysphioria big surprise. I spend hours worrying people are upset/mad at me.

Honestly it's so bad that it effects every aspect of my existence and I can't help but wonder what I could have achieved had I not been this way.

Other: I can go through long periods where I dgaf at all, and sometimes where I do. It’s rarely a straight line of how I feel.

have come across some people I already can't stand trying to make out that their opinion about me is something I should give a shit about and just had what I was already thinking about them confirmed.

it rarely even crosses my mind wrt friends and colleagues, but i guess i do worry a bit about making a good first impression when meeting people

very interesting, and thoughtful answers. thanks all.

what was illuminating to me is that one of my besties, who is on the spectrum, tends to be more honest with her feedback than any other friend I've ever had. like if I do something that bothers her she just says it. years of programming that we should just let things go and swallow our feelings made me defensive at first, but now we have a really healthy relationship as both of us are honest with each other and don't hide resentments and give each other a chance to work on them.

I don't sit around worrying what people think about me because honestly I've been dissociating more in the last year and a half, but rather I have an imaginary jury in my head any time I do or say something. and where I struggle the most is boundaries - I have a hard time differentiating between a healthy boundary and being an asshole, so I gravitate towards assuming the latter when someone is mad at me over something. but sometimes the grievances aren't legitimate and the other person is not acting in good faith, but I can't rationally assess it on my own, other people have to point it out to me, because I seem to start with a default of "me=wrong".

do agree with others upthread that you don't want to live with an attitude of "fuck haters ,I am who I am" (wrote an essay on that years ago lol).

It depends on where I am on the introvert (I *like* being alone and anyone who judges me by any standard can take a long walk on a short plank) versus extrovert (I want a boyfriend and other friends, and presumably they have to like me to want to be friends) spectrum.

In a normal environment where I am reasonably certain that I have the same rights and opportunities as the next person, I mostly just care about accidentally offending someone

In an environment where there’s a non-zero chance my marriage could cause me to get attacked if I visit my parents at either of the residences they have moved into, I care a lot about what random people think of me. I primarily hope they don’t notice me.

In the context of the election, it definitely feels like those two aspects are more divorced than intertwined than before.

Xp ENBB — I had the bullying peers and a super critical mom as well. And even though my mom has chilled out a lot over the past decade, I still have that old version of mom in my head. And later I would end up in relationships with men who were super critical as well. I think I have finally got to the point where even though I still have that “you shouldn’t do/have done that” mom+ex-bf voice in my head, I also have the more positive voice that says, “everyone fucks up, many fuck up worse than you, many people don’t even notice the things you fuck up, just try not to keep fucking up in the same way all the time… make new mistakes.”

That said, I definitely went through several “villain eras” where for the most part idgaf

Back in January 2020 I went to see Nights of Cabiria at the BFI Southbank. I remember thinking "those hipsters on Ilxor are going to be so jealous". You've played it cool since then, but I think it's fair to say that just that once, for just that one occasion, I was the master. Yes, you may well have spent six months in your teenage years DJing in Tokyo, and I haven't, but just that once I saw Nights of Cabiria in the same room as a bunch of other hipsters, and I was one of them, and we were together, and their sweat was my sweat, etc.

As a one-time professional writer I did actually have to care, professionally, how other people perceived me. Because it's vitally important to be respected, or at least thought of as reliable and competent. That's the difference between a great writer and a great writer who is regularly published and earns a lot of money. Respect. It's why Simon Jenkins earns £140k a year from his writing and I earn about £60 every two years when Google serves up enough adverts on my blog. Thankfully all this happened in the dawn of social media and most of it has been erased. Now that I have a proper career my public image is less of an issue, but I do still carefully massage my online presence.

For example, all that stuff I wrote about typing "trek tng crusher leotard episode" into Google. It was in the Star Trek thread. I can share that with you, my fellow kids, because we're all degenerate. We've all been there. Drink has a powerful hold on us all. We are two of soul. I wouldn't share it with THEM. Not THEM. I wouldn't share it with them. Not today.

Now I'm going to re-read this message and take out the mistakes. That's the great thing about writing, you can take out the mistakes. And yet the more I try to smash the mistakes the more they persist. They bite through the cables. Like the ants from Phase IV. Nibbling through the cables. Nibbling.

care greatly but often for the wrong reasons to my detriment

I care greatly about what my friends think of me, as well as many of you on here, tbh.

But as a somewhat public if not big-name "writer", if I cared what random people thought of me, I wouldn't be able to do a lot of what I do.

I think I had a healthy attitude about reputation until about five years ago.

Then a clique formed at work, absorbed a bunch of my friends, and they straight-up abandoned me. This clique routinely trash-talks me and exclude me from most social gatherings. But occasionally members of the clique will invite me to random one-off things. They've done the same to two other people at work.

I've half moved on, but now I'm hyper-sensitized to exclusion and I've retreated from a lot of friendships.

i'm never ever friends with coworkers.

i don't care much what people think of me, relative to most people, i think.

tbh i think most people care about what other people think of them at least a little bit, myself included. and a lot of people who say they don't care about what others think of them actually care a great deal. i think that caring about yourself, as a practice, makes it possible to care about others. caring about what people "think" is different, and a lot sadder imho. caring about what other people think of you is a neurosis because you can't actually know what people think about you, there's no solid place of arrival to that, it's always fleeting, and there's also the fact of someone communicating their thoughts to you, which is in itself a dialogue that always says more about the person speaking than about yourself.

i get that for some people their social image is tied to their livelihood. for me, social narratives, who is cast off, who is a villain, isn't much to hang your hat on, and it's funny to a degree.

Ideally I wouldn’t have to be friends with work people. But given that I’ve been at my site for 15 years, and I work 50+ hours a week in a collaborative environment, there aren’t a lot of other options.

For people who work in other fields I think It’s easier to dismiss the “we’re like family here” bullshit than when you’re in a human services job like social work or public education. When part of your job involves actively loving people, and caring about them in deeply humanistic ways, it’s really hard not to become attached to your co-conspirators, and cognizant of your mutual regard!

I think I had a healthy attitude about reputation until about five years ago.

Then a clique formed at work, absorbed a bunch of my friends, and they straight-up abandoned me. This clique routinely trash-talks me and exclude me from most social gatherings. But occasionally members of the clique will invite me to random one-off things. They've done the same to two other people at work.

I've half moved on, but now I'm hyper-sensitized to exclusion and I've retreated from a lot of friendships.

I guess I didn’t actually answer the question—- I have the audience in my head, but they’ve become a nicer audience in the past 8 years or so.

And sometimes I just sit on the floor and sneer at them and ask “do you ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”

I mostly just care about accidentally offending someone

In DJP's words, yes I mostly hope that my occasional obliviousness or inattentiveness doesn't offend or hurt anyone. I can get kind of single-tracked onto a topic and forget to read the room or, like, check in on everyone else's feelings. And/or I often find that other people can be taken aback by openly saying something that everyone knows is true, tho that might just be my workplace which used to have a weird culture of not saying things, which I think has been changing.

Of course I hope to be liked, but only by people who I also like, and whose regard I care about. The only things I panic about are my employment and my housing, since both have frequently been precarious. If you can't fire me or evict me, and you're an asshole, gfy.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

I only care what my friends and other people close to me think about me. Even though I was brought up to distrust my own judgment of myself and I still have to rely on other people's positive feedback about me to build a list of positive attributes I have, I'm secure enough to not worry about what a random stranger thinks about me, because I'm old enough now to recognize that they're probably too wrapped up in their own issues and problems to really pay much attention to me. I've even gone so far as to go out running errands in pajamas, something my late mother (who was always overly concerned about what others thought of her and her family, including me) would've killed me over, just because I know I'm not going to be anywhere where I have to impress anyone like, say, a workplace.

Not at all. Nobody knows the extent of my many faults better than I do. In fact I often feel a little guilty for getting the benefit of the doubt.

That people think I'm weird or boring or have other inoffensive qualities or faults, I don't really care, that people think I'm a bad person would bother me

if people aim to judge me, i do not care what they think. dee's post above about wearing pajamas to go grocery shopping resonated with me because my mother would also NEVER leave the house without fully dressing. if someone looks at my face without makeup or my body in athleisure, they will not perish nor suffer eyeball burns, nor will i. there is no way anyone cares about what i am wearing on my face or body, therefore i do not care.

if we're talking about my reputation generally, i do care. it seems a little pathological to not care whatsoever.

if people aim to judge me, i do not care what they think. dee's post above about wearing pajamas to go grocery shopping resonated with me because my mother would also NEVER leave the house without fully dressing.

If your mom was also emotionally abusive and preferred your cousins over you, we might have had the same mother. Yes, I'm in therapy.

Also, my mom would snap at me every time she saw me try to wear an outfit she disapproved of. "Are you seriously going out wearing THAT?" was a part of her personal hit parade, along with, "Don't touch that, you'll break it," and, "I hope you have a daughter just like you." Small wonder my self-esteem was at "Earth's core" levels in my twenties and most of my thirties and I was the needy bitch I used to be around these parts from ca. 2003 to 2010.

voted completely consumed and controlled tbh

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

ive no idea what "the usual/normal" amount would be, ive no idea whether im far or close either side of that line, im confounded by the question and would likely violently disagree with any answer i gave within about ten minutes

in particular i couldnt even begin to say what a "healthy" amount would look like. i guess depending on my impression of the person answering id likely tell them to worry a lot more or a lot less, which depending on my humour might be the same advice id give myself

This is wild me to. I can't imagine just existing and not being worried 24/7 literally every second of the day if something I said was wrong or if I was awkward or whether everyone thinks I'm an ogre because my outfit wasn't flattering. I stg this shit occupies 50% of my time and brain energy if that more. This makes me so sad for myself. Man, I really need to find a better therapist

ENBB: are you comfortable with being 100% honest and frank with your current therapist? And are they challenging you to do some hard work in your sessions that you're then able to translate into your after-visit life? If you've answered to the negative, then you do need to find another therapist. I've been there before, snowed over by worry over what people think of me and craving love and acceptance from everyone. I do think it's a trauma response from a dysfunctional childhood, and a good therapist should be able to work through all of that with you.

^^^^ otm. and my mom didn't care about the cousins but yes I too am in therapy. 6 years now!

my mom is STILL making comments about my appearance even though i am nearly at the half century point. She will never stop. ENBB have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? I recommend this book to...everyone? At least everyone with dysfunctional parents.

I was one of the 14 voters for "valid feedback from people who are already on the approved list", which probably shouldn't surprise anyone who's interacted with me here. Was I insecure in junior high and high school? Sure, but at a certain point, probably in my late thirties, I got to the point where I'd done enough in/with my life (worked multiple jobs, published books, blah blah blah) to satisfy myself that I was on the right track or at least the track of my choosing, and I decided that if someone had an opinion about what I was doing, "Well, what the fuck have you done?" was a valid first response. At my worst moments I can very easily slip into "you aren't even people to me" mode, which I try to guard against, but other than that...

Hypercritical mom who has now been gone two years and the amount of relief I feel at not being picked over by her for EVERYTHING is very weird tbh! Although the killer answer to ‘what the Hell are you wearing?’ turned out to be ‘one of us writes for Vogue, and it’s not you!’

Also went through a huge amount of bullying until I was 15 and the older punks at my school staged an intervention. Try showing up in a chemo wig your first day of school and see how you get treated for the next 10 years when a) you get straight As in a way that appears effortless to peers and b) your personality type cannot ignore the bullshit headed your way. My relationship to the people I grew up with changed fundamentally in the last two years of high school and I was happy with them by the time I left for college.

I understand ENBB. Everyone my whole life told me that I will get more settled and confident and grow into myself as I get older and not give a fuck about what other people think, but I'm almost 70 now and I still don't feel that way at all

I like your post Suzy. I hated high school and could only stand it by trying to be nice to everyone, even people I hated. Fortunately I wasn't one of the obviously gay kids who got mocked relentlessly. I still feel guilty for standing by and watching them tormented, knowing it could be me

I liked high school - it was junior high that sucked balls!

Wondering how many of us who had hypercritical moms decided not to have kids partly as a way to,”break the cycle “? I am close to one of my cousins, and it’s pretty obvious our moms (hers is my mom’s baby sister) got the hypercritical thing from their mom, who got it from her mom …

Our grandmother had this “legendary” gesture of making scissors cutting motions with her fingers when someone was too longwinded … generally when she was reading something given to her for feedback. She would occasionally do this when someone was speaking, but I don’t remember it. She was however much less critical of my fashion sense as a teen/young adult than my mom.

Though my mom is way better now … my condolences to everyone here whose moms didn’t chill …

aww, you guys, ya'll are going full Breakfast Club in here! i give you all virtual hugs. it makes me so sad when i think of kids having a hard time. because of family. school. where they live. circumstances. ugh..family. its sucks so much. give your kid self a hug. it could be really hard! but you are all super cool people and you made it through the wilderness. somehow you made it through-ooh-ooh. good job!
i am still too afraid to find a therapist. its a big thing in my head. i'm working on it. i really need to talk to someone but...afraid to.

"Our grandmother had this “legendary” gesture of making scissors cutting motions with her fingers when someone was too longwinded"

i can't help but picture bette davis or joan crawford...

Wondering how many of us who had hypercritical moms decided not to have kids partly as a way to,”break the cycle “? I am close to one of my cousins, and it’s pretty obvious our moms (hers is my mom’s baby sister) got the hypercritical thing from their mom, who got it from her mom …

My mom's nickname among my cousins was "Mean Aunt Debbie." That wasn't the reason my wife and I didn't have kids, though. We almost had a kid once.

:)

The best grandma anecdote was when she was about 80 and had the old lady health problems so she was in and out of the hospital a bunch. My mom’s baby sister was a nurse at the hospital, and one time, my grandma was recovering from surgery, and the hospital food left a lot to be desired. So my aunt stopped by the supermarket on the way to work and bought some cookies for grandma.

My grandma looked at the supermarket cookies, and then looked up at my aunt with a mix of concern and disappointment and said, “Not homemade?”

Hypercritical mom never expected me or my sister to have kids, but I don’t think it was her parenting style that stopped either of us doing that - it was watching a very mean divorce/bad marriage between her and my dad that probably kiboshed that for both of us.

Much of my personal psychology is defined by my upbringing. Parents split up when I was an infant, I've never seen them in the same room together, childhood defined by the two of them taking each other to court over custody and child support disputes. My father, to his credit, never spoke ill about my mother, and my mother, to her credit, did her best at containing the bilious rage she had toward my father, which nevertheless spilled out into specific excoriation as well as generalised proxy resentment toward me, the shared child between them, and exaggerated performance of preferential treatment toward my younger half-siblings. Everything is fine, now, haha. I have a great family and the best collection of siblings anybody could ever wish for.

Nevertheless, having been in this painful situation as a child has rendered my adult self to be over-extending in my "help" that I offer others, and injudicious in my tolerance of the bad behaviour of those close to me, and over-preoccupied with maintaining the approval of my friends and family and "the audience", which (by dint of my profession) is not entirely imaginary. It's been pointed out to me by my friends and family that I attract a disproportionate number of "psychos" into my life-- at least one of whom I've ended up dating. Outside of the "psycho" category, I have found myself expending time and energy on friends who are more needy than others. I remember when an acquaintance, who has "something wrong" with him, and is prone to suicidal activity, was admitted to extended in-patient care in 2020, and when I visited him-- several months into his hospital stay-- I was alarmed to discover that he had, aside from myself (and the saintly drummer Nick Fraser), had no other visitors. Others of my friends and acquaintances are so demanding on my time and attention that I've found myself needing rest and naps after even speaking to them (sometimes for more than an hour) on the phone.

I think the motivation for this over-extension is an awareness of the outsized amount of space I occupy in my own social realm, and my own gross emotional needs. One day a week is lost to me, crying on the phone to friends, or to my mother, my life feels like an endless therapy session. I help others because I am terrified of myself being abandoned. I tolerate the shit-behaviour of "psychos" because I'm terrified of being hated as much as my mother hates my father.

All this is to say: the options presented in this poll kind-of exist on a particular binary plane that doesn't reflect the hairiness and complexity by which I'm defined by "the opinions of others".

Lol

I understand ENBB. Everyone my whole life told me that I will get more settled and confident and grow into myself as I get older and not give a fuck about what other people think, but I'm almost 70 now and I still don't feel that way at all

― Dan S, Tuesday, November 19, 2024 8:50 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

This is not comforting!!

Will go back and read the rest but I'm so sorry you dealt with this. I see ppl (women in particular) saying they completely stop giving a fuck after forty and I'm here like when does that happen for me!?

LL - I haven't read it but you mentioned it recently on another thread (maybe aging parents) and I made a mental note of it then. I will read it.

This is wild me to. I can't imagine just existing and not being worried 24/7 literally every second of the day if something I said was wrong or if I was awkward or whether everyone thinks I'm an ogre because my outfit wasn't flattering. I stg this shit occupies 50% of my time and brain energy if that more.

― Benson and the Jets (ENBB)

Absolutely. My overwhelming fear and awareness of other people's judgements is a huge part of what made me the person I am, whether that's the overly gregarious 'always on' persona or the person who is too terrified to leave the house. Also, so many people have judged me (or I have imagined they have judged me???) to be overstating the level of my mental health issues that it's BONKERS to me that people here seem to be reasonably well adjusted - I thought everyone felt like me and that's why I'm nothing special and should just shut up?

I'm never quite sure how much people really mean it when they say things like "the great thing about getting older is you no longer care what people think" and "I'm 40/50 years old but inside I'm still 18 years old", or if they are basically repeating common cliches. Neither of these statements resonate with me.

I'm with ENBB, I still constantly think about this shit. Still waiting to age into DNGAF.

"the great thing about getting older is you no longer care what people think"

i think you just get dumber and stop caring about certain things. that brain cell loss really starts to add up.

things get more elemental. "Ahh, fire!" "Ahh, a really big cookie!" "Ahh, mailman!"

that may be true for some people, it's hard to know. i don't think i am more stupid than i was 20 years ago, but i am better able to recognize my inner critic and where it comes from thanks to a lot of work.

some people do make a conscious decision to not listen to their inner critical voice -- first step is recognizing that it's not a reliable source of information. ultimately it's about healing your inner child whether that sounds appealing or not. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-inner-dynamics/202312/decoding-the-inner-critics-origins-and-purpose#:~:text=A%20harsh%20inner%20critic%20develops,inner%20critic%20persists%20into%20adulthood.

sorry about the messed up link

My inner critic has a London accent and says, "Wot the fuck you doin'?!?", I prefer it to any outer critics.

I cared less about what people thought when I was less aware of how actions affected people. definitely times where I should have 'cared' back then. like I can't imagine saying some of the hateful trolly things I posted on here in my earliest ILX incarnations in my current form.

as a teen I was paralyzed by fear of what people thought of me but mostly out of desperation (and undiagnosed OCD), was a cripplingly shy kid with few friends who got mocked and picked on most of my young adult life. so if I got a friend I became paranoid I'd lose them almost immediately.

pretty much snapped out of that naturally by my late 20s, and then the Effexor zapped out most of the rest....well, plus making a shit-ton of friendships lasting 15+ years, which meant people I knew well enough to trust. now in the last 5 years, I've started to wonder if many of those friendships were based on my usefulness to other people. because for a while to be a people pleaser, I did things that made people like me. and I've noticed some of these relationships go frosty once I was not useful to them anymore.

did that at work too, only it's helpful to my career here - and there it's easier to set a boundary because y'know I don't give a fuck who doesn't like me at work unless they dislike me enough to see me out the door, which...ain't happened in 20 years, and I've told off people high enough up to end my career.

the fear of legitimately hurting people also sometimes holds me back from asserting myself, as did the fact that I was easy to manipulate for many years until I realized what they were doing. I still think regularly about the night last year that I banged on the door aggressively and screamed at my best friend who was afraid to let me in, and then threatened to walk into traffic. was drunker than drunk and at my lowest point but even though I put in a LOT of work to make things right with that friend, and that friend has long since forgiven me (and told me I should move on by now), it still haunts my memories. in a way that's good because it means if I ever get tempted by the dark side again, that memory will stop me, but...it also has unfortunately had the secondary affect of leading me to stand up for myself less because I have difficult time separating in my own mind times where I'm right and need to say 'no more' and times where I'm wrong and need to pause and look inward at what I'm doing.

so my strategy lately has been basically, don't hang out with people other than the 5 friends closest to me and fam. or just pound many beers in the process and loosen up.

Genuine, probing, unrelentingly honest self-criticism/self-reflection can be brutal and can lead me into black holes of depression. I used to be much much happier when I avoided doing this shit, and would employ fake jollity and unconvincing bravado about how much I don't care how fucked up I am .. dark lol.

"ageing" ime (ofc any opinion on this, however strongly held must bear that disclaimer) is not the term, because ageing is passive and inevitable and no guarantee of any change in experience or development.

if i have eased in this regard over time its not because i aged its because my feet found somewhere to set themselves where they hadnt until that point, whether that was experiential or circumstantial or perspective or whatever but something changed that was more than just the passage of time and hope

a fair to middling sequence of humblings and learnings definitely would have played a part, i know that much, and to learn to be open to those might have been more key than a younger me might have anticipated

i also cannot decide (theme in my posts itt) whether i had to go easier on others in order to go easier on myself or whether it was the other way around, but even when it is an effort and a process rather than a natural flow, i have learned the value to myself in pushing myself in this way regardless

"the great thing about getting older is you no longer care what people think"

i think you just get dumber and stop caring about certain things. that brain cell loss really starts to add up.

i also cannot decide (theme in my posts itt) whether i had to go easier on others in order to go easier on myself or whether it was the other way around

you didnt know me then 💅🏻

I know you now!

does anybody know anybody

does anybody know themselves

its a lifelong study either way

I'm gay and about to enter my fifth decade, so fitness and health and looking good in public matter to me, but I don't see them as impositions. It's good to worry about health when I know I'll have no boyfriend to help wipe my ass in 20 years; it's good to be fit; it's good for the younger ones to check me out.

I can understand how these idiosyncrasies can become deadly obsessions but because I live alone and so far they haven't rebounded in a dangerous way I'll manage.

That's right xp

sarahell posted: “but when I was in my teens and 20s I was basically a villain so idk”

Neanderthal posted: “I cared less about what people thought when I was less aware of how actions affected people. definitely times where I should have 'cared' back then.”

These posts resonate with me. I was definitely more reckless and uncaring when younger.

Now there are many things I care less about, but those are mostly superficial and not personal.

But I have had years to ruminate on my past interactions with other people, even those who were only temporarily important to me. In retrospect I realize I have lost too many valued or potential friendships through stupid arguments or by showing disrespect or by feeling disrespected or from just neglect

So now I am more aware of what other people are thinking

Didn't vote. Ebbs and flows. A superior I admire a lot was praising my work and I just kind of stood there to the point where she was reiterating and I had to be like thanks yeah i get it. My motivations are not so much external, i dunno what to tell you, poll.

all the people voting in these polls aren't posting here on the reg, right? that's like a hundred people. hmmm, what do we think of these lurkers? and what do they think of us? that can be the next poll.

ok that made me sound a bit too spacey. I was saying thanks. It was just as if she expected to see in my face that this was.. fulfilling? whatevs

self xp

lurkers rule

I'm going to go out on a limb and say there are probably more then a few people here who do not enjoy being complimented. in public. not wanting attention focused on them. just a guess. how far do you go to not tell people its your birthday. there is a whole book in that fraught yearly gauntlet.

some people hide out in the woods on their birthday. turn their phone off. dig a hole and get in it.

i might do that because i wanna do what i wanna do on my birthday. but i mean if asked I'll tell, whatever

there's a lot of concepts going in this thread. i sometimes overthink what I've said in a conversation but i think it's mainly just wishing i communicated something better, not fretting i could have scored more regard.

if that makes sense. o god!

you're a good poster, maffew12

I've probably never felt this performative. honest. and thank you.

seconding Dan

thanks. yeah i struggle with online more actually. not cut out for social media and all that. this is the only place I'm typing much of anything public.

so i do like our lurkers and the occasional posts we get from brand new names just joining whatever conversation. no avatars, no post counts, really refreshing.

I don't agree with everyone's opinions about politics here, I'm an old person and a centrist and am not seeing things the way a lot of you do

But in scuba diving terms I think we are all exploring the same reefs and depths and worrying about how long our air tanks will last and fussing over whether our dive partner will be competent enough and wondering who we will have to share a room with on the boat. That is the sum of it

haha, i like that!

I've always felt that if a person is well adjusted, engaged and happy with their life, they won't waste the time or energy judging me. If they are just floundering about and get some kind of satisfaction by being quick to judge others, then I'm just a prop in the way they have settled to cope, and I can't take that personally.