ILX "Cribs"

2 bed/1 bath flat 50 yards from desirable murder mile in hackney

Here's my kitchen, white walls, cupboard made by a madman of old doors, black and white tiling, IKEA surfaces cracking from water damage, wood-burning stove i have never worked out how to light, ancient table from my gran with drawers still full of her weird kipple, bookshelf full of cookery books mainly, brick fireplace w/assorted oddments on top (inc.inflatable lee harvey oswald doll and GAY GODZILLA!!), font-tray on wall full of little rubber monsters

Sitting room: futon/fold-out guest bed, coffeetable on wheels, various chairs, various piles of books, newspapers, magazines, videos, unfinished articles for freakytrigger, stepladder to reach high books on bookshelves, snow-tiger fakefur sofa w.limegreen fakefur throw cushions, two font-trays on wall full of little rubber monsters, various objets on stunning marble mantlepiece inc (somewhere but i can't lay my hands on it) the photo which rainy sent me, also pics of family and friends' families. Fireplace which you can burn a wood fire in, anmd I already did this winter when Dr Vick wz round and also Talitha. Widescreen TV/video/DVD player.

Bathroom: various shades of blue and green, the bath is on a strange 4" plinth built i suspect by the cupboard madman. Small corner-shelf converted into candle stand by yrs truly, complete w.plastic witches from a cereal packet. Pile of books on little stool thing, to read in bath. Big peace lily, xmas cactus catching up in size and currently blooming like a crimson firework display.

"Work" room: computer, records/CDs/tapes on two walls, books covering a third, archives and other stuff on floor, big comfy armchair full of my accounts currently.

Bedroom: more books, huge cupboard built in same principle as kitchen cupboard ie of old doors, piles of ikea storage boxes full of old comics mostly, chest of drawwers unpainted since i wz a kid (inc.scorch marks from spilling ther asthma medicine i then used!!). Piles of clothes, mostly clean. Books all over floor. Queen-sized bed.

Passage: book-lined, except for huge framed poster of xena warrior princess.

Is this you?

Also, I suspect you are lying.

This sounds like the most luxurious colon in London.

as we enter, you will notice that the bed is BAM right in the middle of everything. i just moved it there to free up all the space around the outlets on the walls. to the left is the stereo and Bank of Records #1. straight ahead, that's the bathroom, which tends to be in a state just slightly above utter bachelor-ness. art in the bathroom includes a vargas print, a mosaic framed mirror, and a set of tiles depicting nuestra sra. de guadalupe.

to the left is the walk in closet, which is the key to the whole apartment. without it, it just wouldn't work. more records are jammed in here, along with books, boxes, knick-knacks, and whatever space is left over is filled with a few items of clothing. the floor is covered with laundry baskets. i have largely abandoned folding and stowing clothes, so i keep track of which ones are clean and dirty. when in doubt, just give a whiff!!

so back to the room then. hanging on the wall: photographs taken by myself and a highly prized selection from rainy (holla!!) a thing i made out of wood, wire mesh and beeswax, some native american style prints of drum head designs, picture of my grandma as a twenty something and as a little girl, pictures of chan, meg, carrie, parker, s-k, bjork etc. there are a few plants in the corner, which are crying out for some new dirt.

ever expanding is the computer/desk area, and there is a piano adjacent. last is the kitchen - notable features include a lack of oven - two burners only :-( and lack of a proper fridge. my little craptastic freezer will not keep ice cream frozen, prompting several to comment "well then it's not a freezer, is it" sigh.

oh yeah, there are piles of things all over the place. i have been trying to get crap out of here, and have made some progress lately. i sold my tv!!

Hi, I'm Master P and welcome to my crib.

My whole house is made out of gold.

Now, I only know of one Collyer brothers, the saviours of football management games... I assume you're talking about a different pair?

hmm.

4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in the middle of fields in rural Oxfordshire.

Hallway/Stairs : Currently right in the middle of being re-decorated so a bit of a mess. The walls used to be rag-rolled in cream and cranberry shades, but I've got fed up with that and I'm re-painting it all in plain cream (but it's taking way more coats of paint than I thought). I really hope this is finished in time for Christmas :(

Kitchen: Nice and bright due to a dozen halogen lights recessed in the ceiling. Walls a pale buttery yellow, wooden floor, lots of fitted kitchen floor and wall cupboards with tongue-and-groove wooden doors painted in Mediterranean blue with pewter handles, thick beech block worktops. Beech wood slatted blind at the window. Lots of shiny bright chrome accessories (toaster, kettle, bread maker etc). Built in stainless steel oven, hob and microwave. Large farmhouse pine table and four chairs. Portable TV. CD/Radio. Huge American style fridge with a wine rack inside it!! Various notes, reminders, restaurant menus and postcards fixed to side of fridge with magnets.

Dining Room: Walls pale terracotta. Stripped wood floor, with large terracotta and blue rug in the middle. Navy blue floor length curtains. Mahogany dining table and 6 chairs, matching glazed mahogany wall unit containing BOOZE, glasses, CDs, and a bowl filled with small glass ornaments which look like sweets. Pretty 1920s fireplace fitted with a glass-fronted woodburner. Large glazed plant pot on the floor, filled with tall sticks of tortured willow held in place with a load of pebbles - white fairy lights wound around the willow to make a sort of 'lamp' thing. Er.

Living Room: Walls pale green, pale green carpet. Embossed cream cotton curtains. Black slate fireplace. Two large modern sofas, with cream cotton covers to match the curtains. Large square old pine coffee table, matching side board and bookcase. TV, video and DVD player. Lots of books and CDs. Several watercolour paintings and framed photographs on the walls.

Bathroom 1 : Walls Mediterranean blue, plain glossy white tiling, wood effect laminate floor. Plain white bathroom suite. Lots of lights and mirrors.

Main Bedroom : Walls cream, cream curtains, cream carpet. Framed maps of Hong Kong on the wall, along with two original watercolour paintings of Cheltenham (The Prom, and The Ladies's College). Built in wardrobes/dressing table/over-bed unit in beech wood with frosted glass doors and shelves, with several tiny halogen lightbulbs. King size bed. Portable TV set, Playstation 2, CD/radio. Lots of CDs, books and magazines. I really must tidy those up!

Okay, I think I've bored you enough now, so I'll stop.

That one's my bedroom window, with the Psyduck in a party hat sitting on a mini fibre-optic christmas tree. Let's go inside. You'll have to be careful of the flyers and post smeared lal over the lobby. See the corridor - it's dingy, isn't it? That's cz the lights switch after five minutes and no one knows why. The posters - Goodfellas, lads mag stuff? They're not mine. See how all of the guys have comedy photos of them in dresses and stuff on their doors? how wacky!

My Bedroom. I'm in the middle of tidying up and it gets worse before it gets better. There's a chair there. Right, that huge thing, that's my video projector. Yes yes, you can even play DVDs through it. Note all my other cuddly toys laying about. You like the posters? Good.

Right, on to the kitchen. That's my little TV - the second one? That arrived yesterday, I don't know where from. It's much bigger than mine but they still prefer mine and I haven't figured out why.

The bathroom's through here, don't trip over all the sports equipment and muddy shoes and black plastic sacks of rotting sportswear that line the whole bathroom area. The showers are through here, there's only one door but two cubicles with curtains, which can be embarassing. And the toilets, look, you can see they've gone for public convenience chic with the lovely blue MDF partitions. It's just like being in an office.

Here's the living room, with sofa and chairs facing the TV/video/digital box, then loads of shelves and racks and bookcases of CDs and records and cassettes and videos, plus reference books and a couple of hundred art volumes, and of course the hifi and computer, and magazines and stuff laying around.

The kitchen comes with loads of new fittings, including a dishwasher, making me even lazier than previously. You'll note the prevalence of chocolate and ice lollies in the fridge and freezer. This room off the kitchen is just for storage and the like. It leads to the garden, which has barely been touched in over a year. There may be wolves or something towards the end for all I know, as long as they're quiet.

Upstairs, and we'll skip the back bedroom because my lodger lives there. The bathroom is great - black tiles, an enormous mirror opposite the shower with a clear glass barrier.

This isn't a bedroom any more, it's a library. Mostly books, mostly fiction, except that corner which is comics. There are some more of them in this bookcase on the landing.

Finally, the main bedroom, very spacious. Double bed, cassette player on the bedside table (Impressions tape at present), dirty clothes on the floor, clean hanging on a rail - several identical white shirts, three dark red ties, a couple of dark suits.

Has anyone actually kept reading this far? Why?

Here's my living room. My wife has placed Monet prints and worse on the walls throughout the apartment, so don't blame me. Yes, those are fake flowers in that vase. I guess she gets her interior decorating sense from someone... uh, someone very OLD, or something.
There's the TV, with two VCRs. Here's some of my books on this shelf here. I've got a bunch more in boxes at various other people's houses, I really should go pick those up someday. Anyway, there's about 150 of them here, strategically placed to impress the people that I never end up inviting over anyway. There's a bunch of CD's in those two large wallets there. Trust me, you do not want to look at them.

This is the hallway. Other than the big mirror on the wall, the only thing here is my relatively new computer. It's fast, and has a big hard drive, but there's not really anywhere to put it and I don't have a desk so it sits on the floor with the monitor on top of the box that it came in. I sit leaning against the wall on a sleeping bag to use it. Sad.

Here's the kitchen! Uh, there's just you and I, but we can't really both fit in here at the same time. It's that small. The sink is full of dirty dishes.

Okay, the bedroom. Er, I can't show you the closet... But the bed is fairly large. Yes, just as in the living room the windows here are on the floor for some reason. They're of a good size, but why did the people that built this house have to put the windows on the floor?

The bathroom is mysteriously large, despite the lack of a bathtub (only a shower). The fixtures are ancient. Don't go in that corner, there's a litter box over there. This large pile of laundry... well, you see, the basement where the washer is is REALLY creepy, so I don't like to go down there. I put the laundry off for as long as possible; this stuff probably won't get done until we can go to our parents' house for winter break.

This is the entrance way, this big gold mirror here, I found that in the basement of my grandmother's house and stole it. It reminds me of the magic mirror in Snow White. It just kind of faces the kitchen though unfortunately. Speaking of...

Ta da! Here's the kitchen. It's pretty spacious. Don't touch the table, it's broken. Do you like that calendar? It has all old French drinking and smoking ads in it. I have those all over my apartment. This stove here, it's some kind of antique I think cos it don't work. Right over there is the bathroom door. That room is all of about 4 feet by 4 feet. If that. Don't go in there, it sucks. Though the leopard print shower curtain is pretty stylish if you ask me. I also have enough lotion to resemble a Bath & Body Works.

Oh, that? That's the towel I hang on the wall. I don't know why I did that but it's pretty cool. It's got a twee puppy on it and it says "Little boy likes to make his master's favourite cakes". I have no idea what it means.

Here's where all the magic happens...the bedroom. This is 1920s-style furniture, except I put it all together so it's not really nice or valuable. Don't ask about the stuffed animals. My ex boyfriend is insane.

No, I know there's no door. There's no doors anywhere here, some previous tenant stole them. It's just me so it's okay but whooo baby, when I had a roommate plus my boyfriend and my best friend practically living here, that was pretty exciting. And seXXXy of course.

Here's the living room. It's impractically large. That side is where my clothes closet is, inexplicably. The cat broke the door I put in, so it's kind of rickety right now. Here's the computer, which faces my wall of shame, as i like to call all these pictures posted up. The sofa and chair I got from a good friend of mine, they're pretty okay but don't use the pullout bed, it's weird and leany.

That's the entertainment center and CDs. A lot of that stuff wasn't really mine to begin with but it is now - the benefit of boyfriends, I guess. I have a DVD, a VCR, a PS2, all that jazz - but if you want to play a CD, you have to use the ghetto blaster over there - not the stereo which is broken.

Oh, that? That's the Tiffany lamp. Not that I put it up. It's too fancy for me I reckon.

Anyway, (puff puff) now that we're up here, this metal door leads into our hallway where my 'mate is painting an enormous mural on thin cloth for his lightshow. Pass the laundry room and come into our main area. Yes, it is quite large (about 3600 sq. ft.). One of my roomies built the bar in the dining area. I like how there aren't any walls in here except for the bedrooms. Yes I also like all of the trees and hanging plants in here. Watch out for the cat, she just ate so don't be fooled by her frantic race to the food dish. Pass the light show control table and my drumset and bass rig (check out that huge mural on the wall, it actually sits on a massive frame packed with lights that illuminate it from behind).

My room is in here, with yellow/gold walls which I built. It is 20'x16'. My bed sits up on a platform 6' off the ground, underneath which is my clothes and storage closet. I have a futon with a wood frame salvaged from the garbage (but apparently new), and a 7' yellow u-shaped 50s/60s sofa with stripes of yellow and orange. To your left are my myriad cds, stereo, basses (washburn and lotus p-copy) and new computer w/T1 internet.

Out this window is the patio; really it is the parapet roof of the building attached to ours, but we have a table and chairs out there. A bit chilly right now, but it is beautiful in the summer, there's a little park down on street level so the patio overlooks an open space surrounded by buildings. Enjoy.

There should be many ILX world tours!

There's a joke in there somewhere!

Dan there's another one for you

In the entrance hall the first thing you'll see is piles of shoes and boots, in a vain effort to stay tidy. To your right is a grandfather clock which has been in my family for about 200 years.

To your left is the living room which is about 30 x 15 and is divided into two. The first half has a couple of sofas and a table which is usually covered in books, letters and toys. There is the usual hi-fi & tv set up. On the wall is a nude male by Peter Howson and a landscape by an artist friend. The alcoves are filled with books and records. The second half has a dining table and more bookcases.

The kitchen is a bit of a mess as it will hopefully be refurbished next spring.

We head upstairs and something quite common with houses of this period is that the toilet and bathroom are adjacent but seperate.

Next up is the master bedroom which has post office red walls and is furnished with old furniture and an old brass bed. There are various prints on the wall including Caulfield, Emin and another nude oil (female this time) by Des Gorman. By my side of the bed is a mini hifi with headphones and the usual plethora of books, magazines and cd's.

The largest bedroom is my son's room which is never tidy, full of clothes, toys and books.

Last is the spare bedroom, or my den where I'm typing this. In it is a sofa bed. A hi-fi sytem and my cd collection. Again, magazines and books are piled up around the room.

There is a loft which is full of even more junk, including 100's of old music magazines and all my old tapes. So if you're looking for an NME from '88 that's the place to look.

We're here in beatiful Lower Nob Hill, San Francisco, close to downtown and a short walk to an almost unlimited number of attractions. As you enter my building, notice the large lobby, marble floors, and fireplace. Ok, that's fake. Don't bother with the elevator; I know it's cool looking, but I'm just up one floor. Here we are; check out my cool little foyer with cute little Oriental rug, scary African mask, and black and white portrait of me as a drunk at a bar. That was really a stretch for me! I want to hang a nice lamp up in here soon, but don't have the money yet. Ok, let's check out my living room; nice big Oriental rug, fluffy new sofa, yeah that's a cool piece, that's a boomerang table, probably from about 1960; it's unusual to see it with that kind of base. Yeah, I know; lots of records! Maybe about 1600; tons of CDs too. The hifi? Linn and Naim gear. Yeah, it was expensive! It's a studio apartment, but check this out; not only do I have two closets, I also have this huge walk-in one, so this is my bedroom. Thanks, yeah, I just got these sheets, they're pretty nice. Bathroom is ok, it's all original fixtures. Look at these little tiles on the floor; you'd pay a fortune for that kind of work now. Finally we've got the kitchen. That print? It's Untitled by Rothko. Check out my vintage chrome and Formica dinette set, too. Cool yellow, huh? Well that's pretty much it, you've seen it all. I really like living here, thanks for coming by!

There should be crystal champagne and tang in the fridge. Alongside processed ghetto food products.

I can't stop laughing!!

Just ignore all the shit in the hall, none of it belongs to me and don't ask me why there's a wardrobe in the hallway, it's just one of those furniture mysteries.

Here's the living room. We've tried with it, we really have, see the throws? But the colour scheme is still rented brown. We have swanky TV and DVD system which is nice and everything, but I kind of resent paying the hire costs for given the amount I actually watch it. The fish belong to my freak housemate. They're nice fish, although two died recently, they deserve a better owner.

Erm, okay, just stick your head round the door, this room here is my flatmate Doug's and over there is his stash box. Not that I would ever nick his weed, oh no. Hem. Doug is very nice and I feel bad about this, but I do replace.

Here's the kitchen. We need to change the thingy in the water filter, but I haven't quite worked out how yet and anyhow the smug couple in the adverts put me off buying any more Britta products. The internal debate is smug advert couple versus horrible London water. I think this at least once every day. Maybe I need help? Here's the fridge I share with Doug. The skimmed milk, all the yoghurts and the courgettes are mine. Not interesting really.

The back garden is nice in summer. We have a squirrel too. It watches us when we're in the kitchen. He's not about at the moment. Hibernation I guess. I miss having him there.

Okay, upstairs. This is the bathroom. Most of the toiletries are mine, but I also clean it most often. This is what I get for living with three boys. I quite like the blue glass bauble thing in here, although God knows where it came from. Someone left the iron in the bath the other day. Maybe a housemate is ineptly trying to kill me.

Room over there is Steven's. He's lovely. He works for the clothing store Uth and they were doing some nail varnish promotion and he bought me home 20 different nail varnishes. I am easily bought.

That's Freak Boy's room. Don't go in, things might eat you. He leaves the bubble pop things for his disposble contact lenses all over the house, including once in my favourite mug I got at the Miro museum in Barcelona. I sprayed it with Dettol afterwards.

And ... my room! I like the wooden floor. In the summer the sun comes in through at this angle and warms them up, they're great to dance on barefoot. That is my shoe collection for when I'm not barefoot. That over there is, yes, a piece of ply-wood with graffiti on it. It was an over-large birthday card made by my friends' Lucas and Paul. That above the bed is my giant Time Out Guide to Paris billboard. I inherrited it with the last room I lived in. Oh they left these pink beads too. The stuff round the mirror needs a bit of explanation. That's me, drawn as a Manga girl by Lucas in the pub one evening. Polaroid picture of Dido and Sister Bliss, not because it's them, but because that interview and photo shoot was the first time I'd written the cover story for a magazine. Postcard from Venice, club flyer from Berlin, pictures of me in Estonia, Brighton and bouncing on a large inflatable ball at Glastonbury. Oh and a Cheap Trick plectrum from All Tomorrow's Parties. The hatstand is because I have no hanging space, so all my jackets and vintage cocktail dresses live here. Sorry about all the books and magazines everywhere. I left my bookshelves when I moved, but I quite like having my books in piles. CDs over there. Vinyl over there. I think you can just make out the i-mac on the desk in amongst all the CD cases and recipts and junk. The wicker picnic basket was my grandmothers. She let us all have one thing from the house when she moved into sheltered accomodation after her stroke. It means a lot to me. Erm, my mum's old sewing machine she gave to me with half-altered Joy Division t-shirt over the top. And that piece of sari fabric on the curtains I sometimes wear as a top.

Hey it's gone twelve, you can hear the church bells chime the hour. That's my crib.

"Hi! I'm Anna Fielding and I you're watching MTV2!"

these are the marble steps leading up to the doorway, these were nice once but they've been let go, this is the front door, into the hallway, you cant see anything because the lights gone out. we up the stairs now aight, ours is the flat on the first floor.

this is the hallway, dont look down, you'll see the carpet, and you really dont want to look at that, on the left is claires room, but shes moving out next week, on the right is the kitchen/sitting room thingy, its pretty clean and tidy today, but, dont look down, its the same carpet with the same nuclear powered grime.

ok, sas and lucys rooms are on the right, the bathroom on the end, my rooms on the right. i still havent had chance to clear it out properly since i moved in so theres a hotchpotch of things i need to remove, and an absence of stuff i need.

first up, the old wardrobe, its crappy but its all i got you know? then some shelves with stuff on, to the other side we got a little table unit with my stereo on, and some more shelves with my books and cds on, theres a french picture on the wall, and last months postcards which came from barcelona, tangier, frankfurt and thailand.

my beds over there by the window, the sheets and duvet are black, of course, but you knew that right?, my new pc is on the floor, because i havent got a desk yet, hey stop, i told you not to look at the carpet, man i need a rug. look, i told you, i'm a bust yo ass if you look there again ok?

this is a crappy old sofa with some planks of wood and a vcr on there, i'm going to put those on the skip outside when i get round to it, unless you want them?

hey, thats my dawg nelson, hes the abandoned teddy i rescued from the street, you all heard about him right, my soldier at war. i fabrezed him yesterday. yeah, i got an ensuite, but its not in the greatest of shape, we're not going to go in there, ok?

i'm going out now, so, you're going to have to go

Wipe your feet by the way, the laminate flooring takes footprints stains quickly and floor cleaning is not a regular job round here. The hall is lemon yellow and - apart from the junkmail nook rarely gets used. Downstairs toilet as you come in on the right with the rest of the junkmail in it (usually the takeaway menus which strikes me as being unhygieneic). Don't ask me why the room has the lock on the outside - except for excellent party japes.

The kitchen is the next room we come to - white functional, oddly clean with the exception of the piles of washing up and Emma's perrenial teabag stains. The washing machine gets stuck at the beginning of the cycle. That's a postcard my mate Caz sent me from Japan by the door and above the cooker we have a framed picture of some butter melting into toast in the shape of the word FAT. Cut out of Observer Food Monthly. The drawing of The Simpsons in the style of a seven year old was actually drawn by me in a "drawing the SImpsons in the style of a five year old" competition. In the fridge there is the shelf with cheese, bacon and a big black puddin' (mine) out of date eggs and shrimp paste (Emma's) and the entire contents of Waitrose plus wasabi on the top is other flatmates. The anchovies in the door are mine.

Into the bright orange front room with views over all London. I love sitting in here in the summer at four in the morning watching the hazy sunrise over London (poetic bit). Every item of electrical equipment in here, including the items which don't work, is mine. The TV is big, but the picture it projects is even bigger than it should be. This makes reading teletext impossible. Nice big table has ICA and NFT flyers on it, mine. The futon has a supply of IKEA cushions and the big comfy sofa has the scratchiest cooker in the world. The videos belong mainly to Alex, books divvy nicely between us (except the reference/bouze collection round the corner which is mine) and Emma's action Man is in a vase on the top shelf.

The house has loads of Ed Rushca repro's in postcard holders - the door has Exit by it, the bathroom has Wee Wee, and the stairs has "Is Everyone Getting You". These are my stabs at interior decoration. Our landlord recently took up the manky blue carpet in the bathroom and painted the floorboard white. This is now sort of grey/brown as white is a lousy colour for a bathroom carpet. The cabinet is where Emma's nail varnish lives. My portion of the shelf containes toothpaste & soap. ALex has plenty of pro-styling gels, shaving creams and about fifteen different types of bath foams. I have a shaving brush and a disposable razor. I am hard.

That's Emma's tiny room at the end. We are not allowed in there on PAIN OF DEATH. Come into mine instead, a sunny yellow - and yes that is the fabled home built bed (Single matress, cardboard boxes, futon, double mattress). I need new bedsheets cos there are getting bobbly. There's the yard of 7" from which "The Inch" is taken) hidden under the throw is a play station and ugh - dirty washin'. Three shelves of vinyle, and music equipment do their best at housing the dust, and that computer is usually accessible when I shift the library books. And there is my balcony with the netting to prevent pigeons. Unfortunately being north facing its rarely worth going out there. But if you want to you can jump...

The first room we come to is the sitting room. It contains two big bookshelves crammed full and a record player, speakers, a secretary (not a person, more like a desk), an organ, a couple of older floral paintings, a big trunk full of records, a big cd shelving unit, and 3 chairs. For sitting.

Room is open to second: the Family Room (ie: the TV room). Contents: TV, VCR, DVD player, some sort of video game player belonging to my bf, lots of DVDs, Videos, and games everywhere, bookshelf with music related books only, couch, rug where the kitties reside, chair, 2 little kitty houses (they prefer the rug), and a couple of chinese posters that my sister says look like communist propaganda.

Next we can take a left into the Guitar Room. There one will find, well, lots of electric guitars on stands and bass guitars and accoustic guitars and bf's 8-track and bajillions of pedals and effects boxes, amps and more amps, suitcase amp created for bf by a friend, old frankencomputer mostly just used for mixing down music created on 8-track, closet full of guitar cases and xylophone and other little instruments. Walls in guitar room covered with fliers of shows we've played, been to, and of course huge rock posters and promo photos of bands we wish we were in (ie: Sonic Youth, Helium, Frumpies, Bjork, the Bangs, Sleater-Kinney, etc, etc).

Now we make our way into the bathroom. Tiny, but pretty black & white tile and yellow walls. Candles everywhere as nothing beats a bath accompanied by the soft glow of candles.

Ahhh.. the bedroom. Lilac walls. Big 4-poster black iron queen-sized bed with purple duvet. Never made. So under that you see sheets with little purple flowers on them. 2 dressers. Stuffed closet. 3 mirrors. Cd player. Another guitar. Endtables crammed with books, magazines, and lights. Lots of photos. Tends to have clothes all over the floor. Purses, shoes, etc.

Kitchen (we're skipping the tiny hallway) is a bit old, but works. Black and white tile. High table for coffee maker, espresso maker, toaster, coffee bean grinder, and the like. Of course, another cd player and speakers. Above the cabinets are lots of neat little things - super 8's, a manaquin head with a wig, more weird looking cameras... On the floor you will see the kitty food & water bowls.

Out back, there is a little deck that is very private thanks to surrounding tree branches, but it's too cold to hang out there this time of year.

Thank you, come again.

What could you possibly mean by this?

Could this mean that a bad-tempered Gordon Ramsay sits there all day?

Homer and Langely Collyer, 1940's NYC Recluses and Nutcases

The next room is the kitchen. The kitchen has polished floor-boards which are golden and there are lots of ferns in there too so it's a pretty room. This is where the telly is, and the dining table. We watch Jackass on the telly. The kitchen is often a mess. The dishwasher doesn't work. The dog gets fed in the kitchen. There's lots of tinsel hanging on the walls and the room smells slightly of incense.

If you go back to the entrance hall, the spare room is on your left. The spare room contains a bed, a stool, a bookshelf, a massage table and a pair of mauve trousers for my cousin. We never use the spare room. It is very small and cosy. I like it.

Follow the hallway to the left, past the spare room, and on the right is the back door and the laundry. The laundry has lots of benches and this is where I make stuff out of clay and where I feed the cat. She likes to run in at top speed, jump up onto the washing machine and then continue down the bench. If the washing machine's lid is open this can cause her problems.

Back out into the hallway, on the left, is my brother's room. His curtains are relics from the 70s with lots of zoo animals on them in bright colours. His room had a funny feel to it so my witch friends had to come over and do spells in there to make it feel good. His room smells.

The next room on the right is the bathroom. It is lined with cedar and it took me a while to get used to the scent. It used to make me think of toothpaste (yuck!). The bath has little, muddy footprints from the cat around the edges. She likes to drink out of the bath. We keep the toilet lid down as she fell in there once trying to drink the blue-loo water. The basin is stained with hair dye and the cupboard is full of make-up and girly stuff.

The last room on the left is my computer room. As well as the computer, it contains lots of book shelves, boxes of books, the sewing table, ironing board and boxes of fabric. This room has a ceiling fan and velvet curtains in a colour I don't know the name of.

The room at the end of the hall is my bedroom. The walls are minty-green and have Beatrix Potter pictures on them. I have two paper lampshades hanging from hooks but neither are over the light-bulb. There is a helium balloon floating at the ceiling and the room is mostly full of my clothes. The cat and the dog like this room the best and want to snooze in here all day.

The house needs vacuuming.

Away in a mangel, no crib for a bed...

a) Why does the skinny little drummer from Blink 182 have an AMAZING house and pool, while Ludacris has a large but pretty dull looking brick house whose only interesting feature is a corridor painted like a swamp?

b) Why are there always people from other bands hanging around in the yard having a BBQ? Did the subject call them there so that they could look popular on tv, or do musicians always hang out and eat blackened chicken together.

(I'd do my crib, but I'm moving out in a month - wait till the summer)

Allright then, moving on. This is our "foyer"--it, too, looks like a fruit cellar. Note the gigantic painting of an Avocado on the southern-most wall. My roommate found it for like $5 at a yard sale. You'll notice an door open revealing the tiniest kitchen in the world. Walk right in and make yourself at home! There's no where to sit, really, but you can lean against the refrigerator and drink a cool one. Let's open the fridge and see what there is to eat: cheese, strawberries, yogurt. Wow, yeah, I'm a bit of a HEALTH NUT HEH HEH... don't mind the dirty dishes piled in the sink. Also, there's a mysterious scent that my roommmate and I cannot place. It kind of smells like dirty socks combined with rotting food. Like a dirty sock filled with rotting food. We're going to Glade this bitch soon.

Allright, now that we're through the kitchen, hang a right, dude.. that's MY room.. where the MAGIC happens, that's right, fella. Don't stumble over the gigantic "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" sack that's right next to the doorway. Some co-workers went hog wild and bought me a shitload of presents and now I don't know what to do with them. There's not much to this room: I inspired it after the bedroom I remember having in my childhood--big, elaborate canopy bed.. hammock across one corner of the ceiling for all my beanie babies; one of those ladder-shaped 'earring racks' for all my precious jewels bought at Claire's Accessories.

After my bedroom there isn't much more to the Jerk. There's what I like to call "the music room" which is actually a storage room with 'exposed brick' -- there is no music, my boyfriend just played guitar in there one time.

further back, you'll find our kitchen, notable for the dirty dishes. (like the cleaning of a house...it never ends.) and nancy's homemade magnets.

this is what i like to call the "trainwreck" aka "the bedroom". on your left, you'll notice our large window very similar to the one in the living room. in fact, they're the same. and this one also looks out onto the treeline and the omni-present slate gray sky. above and around the window, you'll notice the "pop cultural wall of fame" which is mostly just photos of famous people cut of old issues of the source, vibe, and a couple maxims we found in a dumpster. you'll also notice the monkey hanging from the ceiling wearing a viking helmet, and the painting of a chicken bought in the "fine art" section of target. facing you will be the masses of drawers, which are mostly empty since you'll notice all those clothese underfoot and in garbage bags waiting to be washed. there's also my boomin system, and piles and piles of un-housed cds. also, a crumpled destiny's child poster we found at a county fair. to your right is my not-working turntable and then my dishevled computer desk, where all the magic happens. please ignore the piled cups and inch-thick layer of dust. and dirty socks. on the far wall is a painting by nancy of a giraffe getting a haircut.

the less said about the bathroom the better.

now get out.

Actually, forget the formalities of this thing. ;-) Current apartment is about 650 square feet or so, divided into a living room with a kitchenette, bedroom, walk-in closet and bathroom, plus a balcony. The bookcases are against the long wall in the living room, the computer desk and DVDs are against the breakfast bar of the kitchenette, videos in a bookcase next to them, stereo system/TV opposite the bookcases, couch/chairs in between. Queen-size bed in the bedroom, CD racks surrounding it, dresser located behind the bed. More CD racks in the walk-in closet along with all the clothes. Bathroom has a combo bath/shower, kitchenette is actually quite roomy for what it is, the balcony has a nice sturdy picnic table and some chairs and there's also a storage closet with random stuff. Rah.

This is the hall. A cold, ghoulish light seeps from floor-standing fluorescent tubes. DSL and Aiport boxes flicker. There's a magazine rack with copies of Frieze, Wire and Studio Voice on it.

Here's the kitchen. Dominated by posters of Marx and Lenin (this is the Karl Marx Allee, after all. There's so much commie nostalgia going on here that they've even invented a word for it: 'Ostalgie'). White tiles and 'didactic' furniture, wooden chairs from 1960s school classrooms. An overhead projector (v. bright, noisy fan) adds to the rather austere classroom ambience.

Bathroom is ahead. Very white, surprisingly clean, well-equipped. Pink and blue towels.

Bedroom to the right. Rail of thrift store clothes in rather garish colours. A lot of orange stuff in this room. Makes it feel a bit 1972. Shelves with CDs. Vinyl record player. German children's nonsense song LPs on display. Table with electronic music equipment. Computers. Very small bed tucked in corner. Nice white roller chair. Posters of computery graphics by Flip Flop Flyin' and eboy.

Living room to the left. Rather bland parquet floor. One whole wall is windows. It's pretty empty apart from a curved granny-baroque button sofa, a TV and a big white inflatable igloo.

Leave now, please, just go. No, really. Just go. It's best.

This is the damn living room. That's my damn television, and behind it are the cardboard boxes of DVDs, CDs, and video cassettes. Yes, I have the VCR piled on top of the DVD player, and the digital cable box is piled on top of that, but it's okay because the cable is out right now. And those are Playstation cables you see, the Playstation is in the little mid-60s-era entertainment cabinet beneath the television.

Those paintings on the wall are mine. Go ahead and take one. Well, no, you nit, that one's not mine, that's Monet. Okay, now dig the furniture. Honkin big wooden table, where my computer sits and my library books. Forty-something year old couch and matching loveseat in tobacco yeller. A stereo a decade older than me. I got all of that, plus that maroon rug on the blue carpeting, and the woodburn-framed Jesus On Black Velvet, for a cool eighty bucks when I moved in. Bling to the bling.

See the burgundy sheet thumbtacked over that window? That's cause for about five hours, the sun is shining right through that window, and makes the living room too damn hot. So we block the sun out. Just like you're meant to be blocked out, you trespassing motherfucker.

All right, that there's my endtable thing, where I throw my keys and keep the bills and other mail until they're paid or responded to. Next to the L-shaped living room, we got the way-too-small kitchen. This is where half of the magic happens. It's a skinny-ass kitchen, but I get everything I can out of it.

Down the hall, there's the bathroom -- don't step in that, fool, that's the litterbox -- no, for the CATS, stop that! -- and the toilet and bathtub/shower are in the door beyond the bathroom. Right here we have my enormous bedroom I never use except when the girlfriend's here. Futon. Many boxes of books. Several other boxes of books. Computer stuff not currently in use. Large closets. But I sleep on the couch, cause I just do.

Yes, that's a plastic frog. No, you can't have it. No, I'm not twee, you son of a bitch. I like bright-colored plastic frogs, but in a ... thug kind of way.

Now get the hell out.

Que? Oh, it's just you Cribz! Waddup, welcome to my crib. Before I usher you inside I must point out some rules: 1) no smoking of cigarettes inside, 2) no fucking on the racecar bed, 3) take off your shoes and put 'em in the basket next to the door. If the basket is full, just eat your shoes or set 'em on fire or something.

A'ight, anyway, here's my living room. This rug is 100% authentic bought-at-Salvation-Army; isn't the design fab? I think those are elephants. This sofa & chair & table set is from the late 50s, and can't you tell just to look at it? Cuz, y'know, "vintage", right? *wink wink* Okay, don't play the piano.

Here's my kitchen, aka "the only clean room in the house". I like how I ghetto rigged that bar over the sink so I can hang my pots and pans up there. Do you wanna see my knives? Do you wanna see me cut something? HUH!?! No? Okay then.

That door goes to my roommate's room, don't go in there no matter what. It smells like patchouli, cat poop, and something else I can't quite place. *shivers*

This is the downstairs potty, er, bathroom. It seems clean enough right? huh huh...

Okay, and in here is the "music room". Typically, I put the boy to bed, come in here, get baked, tweak out on my various shitty old...er "vintage" *wink* keyboards, that metallic-puke-green one is a Farfisa, that big monstrous one is a Yamaha electric piano, that one with the top open and the circuitry exposed is a Crumar, yadda yadda gear-talk blah blah whoop whoop. Alright, that's obviously enough of that.

*going up the stairs*

Right here on the landing is where I like to sit in bean-bag chairs and play on the Playstation. I've got 4 games dawg, yee-ah.

There's another bathroom right there; best bathtub evah. Um, I wouldn't recommend going in there right now. *makes universal 'does-not-smell-good' gesture/face*

Over here is the boy's room. Ya like the racecar bed, huh? NO FUCKING ON IT. I'd recommend not walking in here barefoot, unless you feel like reliving that scene in Die Hard only with Legos & hotwheels in place of glass shards.

And over here's my bedroom. Here's where all the magic used to happen what-feels-like sooooo long ago...nowadays I just utilize it for sleeping, doing yoga, pretty much everything but what I'd really like to be doing in here. Let's go now, this is making me depressed.

*goes back down the stairs, stepping out back door onto porch*

This is my yard. See that pine tree? It's dying; that's why it's leaning over like that. Fuck, I really need to mow, huh? Alright, anyway...thanks for checking out my place, now get the hell out before I sick the hounds* on you.

*the hounds = one cat named Butternuts

I share w/ two guys and a girl. see, their names are on the door, too. we're thinking about taking one of them off since there are only supposed to be three people living here.

here is the reception room. watch out for the box+pile of empty bottles. I'm glad dave finally moved his bike upstairs.

behind this door is a small WC. careful, pulling the chain, there is a skill to it. so that the top of the cistern doesn't fall off and break on your head.

the kitchen comes off of the reception bit, to the right. the ceiling is kinda brown and has a few rips in but we don't mind as it's far away and nothing falls from it. that we know of. yeah, the surfaces are always covered with dirty dishes and crumbs and food stains, despite my best efforts to get my flatmates to be fucking civilised. all the floors are wooden, here, uh-huh, some are painted and some are not. most are uneven and a few are dangerous. the fridge says PINKY HOTS MEOW.

next off of the reception room is marceline's room. it's to the rear of the building and doesn't get much sun but she has made it very nice.

next is the spare/music room. yeah, that's a bed under the piles of sheets and quilts and cables. one of these guitars is mine, the other six belong to the other people here. and, yes, the three amps take up a lot of space. especially that huge one. apparently that is one of AYWKUBTOD's broken basses nailed to the wall. I nailed it there but I don't know for sure.

next is the livingroom. OK, the ceiling is purple and, OK, the walls are mint choc ice green but it's OK. I painted that one picture on the far wall. the bruce springsteen collage was done by me, too. and the wings poster over the fireplace is mine. the big, square canvasm, behind, used to have a star painted on, it's white just until I decide to do something to it. the TV and video and stereo are mine, I have none in my room at the moment. I volunteered them for communal use until we could replace/come to an arrangement. we have done neither as yet. the three couches are not only different lengths but have different levels of comfort. choose wisely.

next is my room. these walls used to be a mucky yellow. well, you can see that on the bits I haven't done yet. I prefer them white, though. the room is big but it makes it feel more spacious. and, yeah, I painted a big R and a big J and a big G on the red ceiling. it wasn't planned, just did it for fun. I'll have to paint over it sometime. but it's also far away. I like that I, and the rest of the front of the flat, looks onto r3nfr3w str33t and the back of the mcl3ll4n g4ll3r13s. it's a nice thing. and the 4rt sch00l is adjacent, too. my coloured GWB w/ rifle poster and my guernica poster and my favourite peanuts strip are the only things hanging on my walls. but those four metre plus square bits of MDF will soon be covered with words from books or from a book. yes, it might take a while.

upstairs.

we're in the roofspace of the flat, now. the taps on this surface on the landing...well, if you lift the surface you'll see there's a sink under. but we don't use it.

to the left is the bathroom. I put the vinyl down in here as the floor was kinda grotty. it's easy to forget the ceiling begins to slope when you're drying, sometimes. here, I'll swing this window open so you can see the rooftops. nice, eh?

now is dave's room. cluttered, isn't it? I think he has the best view. but you can see that the window is falling apart. he's the internet server for our network, so that's why he has lots of cables running in. the hub's down in the reception. I tacked all the cables down to the various rooms. if I didn't...no-one else would.

ally's room, next. he's got a double bed now. we had a hard time getting it up that narrow stair--had to split it in two. nick got cracked in the skull by a metal arm. the floor in here is the best in the flat. and he's happy that his walls are pink. and the view over the school playground...

finally, here is the other spare room. it's kinda just filled with boxes just now. and the clothes horse. don't tread too heavily on that floor panel, I don't know what's beneath it. the window in here leaks but, thankfully, we don't need to use it for much.

BYE.

RJG live in a late 90s sitcom!

This is the hallway, which is a little too big, I think. It can take forever to get to the living room, which... here we are... is my favorite room in the house.

(pan shot of white leather sofa, tasteful rug, glass coffee table with fresh flowers)

This is where I do my TV watching and reading. I love this couch. There's nothing like sitting on smooth leather. It's all I'll settle for anymore, even in my car.

Come on, I'll show you the bedroom.

(down long hallway again and into bedroom)

Oh, hi guys. What are you two up to?

(shot of muscular, ponytailed, naked mad on bed with naked young woman sucking his cock)

man: Oh, nothing.

(woman vigorously sucks cock, camera zooms in tight)

Ok, well, let me show you the kitchen. Last I checked, Cindy was trying to put a champagne bottle in her ass...

First, walk up the stoop and go through the double doors. Nice glass, eh? In our entryway we have a big mirror thingy, a piano, and some bikes. That screaming you're hearing is the daughter of the landlords, just try to ignore it.

Up the stairs, then, and welcome to the 2nd floor of our beautiful apartment! To the right you'll find the kitchen, the in-unit laundry nook, and the first bathroom. The kitchen has custom cabinets, a dishwasher, and this big pantry thingy. Through another hallway you pass a coat closet, and enter into the living room. Notice the nice large Blow Up poster. TV, DVD + VCR, Stereo, bookshelves, futon, plants and dining table are all here. Nice view out on the street, too.

Up the second flight of stairs to the third floor. The first room you'll notice is hstencil's room, which is larger than some Central American countries. Hstencil also has a walk-in closet the size of Baltimore. Unfortunately, he has yet to clean up his room so it still feels tiny. But there's nice windows, and on a beautiful clear night, you can see the moon, a few stars, and some trees from his bed. The bed is also a good place to watch the sunset over the houses on St. James Place. Cable modem & laptop, stereo, books and clothing clutter the room.

To the left of Hstencil's room is the 2nd bath, or should I say 2nd shower and 2nd toilet (they are in separate rooms). To the right, after passing another closet, you'll find a bookshelf of d!390's CDs, then B3n's room (he's on vacation), then d!390's room. They're not as big as mine (heh heh), but they're still nice.

Goddamn I love my new apartment.

So um, yeah, this is my living room. I don't know why the tv is there, really. Wasn't my idea. That thing? It's the Directv box, but it doesn't work. No, don't know, but I suspect it may have gotten dropped. Dammit, Zero, get DOWN. That big black stand next to it has all the other crap on it, vcr, dvd player and most of a stereo. Um, yeah I think it works. It's hooked up to the little speakers on the ceiling over there, but I can't ever use them because the people upstairs are NOISE HATAZ. Fuck them anyway. Yeah, that's the couch and the loveseat over there, but know before you sit on them that every single person who does falls asleep. I don't know why, it's just comfy. Also, it's probably covered in dog hair. The coffee table is black and watch out for the cor... yeah, sorry about that, the corners of that thing are lethal. You ok? Cool. That painting is of a house in New Orleans by that Michaloupolos guy I like. See that one on the wall over there? Yeah, it's another one he did, it's Louis Armstrong. Yeah, I love him. Zero, get OUT OF THE WAY.

Over there is the dining room table, it's blonde wood and pretty boring, but it serves it's purpose. The kitchen is just next to it, it's pretty big, but there's not enough counter space to do anything much. I work miracles. Careful of that cupboard, though, the door tends to fall off. Oooh, yeah, sorry about the cat, he must have snuck back in the balcony door. I don't know why he hides on top of the fridge - I think he likes to launch himself at the unsuspecting. Good thing you move fast.

Ok, back through the living room and through this door is the back - the bathroom is to the left, it's pretty boring, white walls, black towels and a bunch of pencil drawings a friend of mine did. That? I think it's a dog toy. Next to it is Spencer's room, but I wouldn't go in there, it's kinda messy and there are always things to step on. Oh yeah, that's his rainbow. He did it when he was about 3, and I don't have the heart to paint over it. Note the hotwheels sheets on the bed - they're his pride and joy. Zero, get off the bed.

Sheets and towels and sometimes the cat are in that cupboard there, and this one is full of my cds and a box of pictures I really need to go through. That picture on the wall is my mom when she was 16. Yeah, we look a little alike, thanks, but I look more like my dad.

This bedroom is my roommate's, but she's moving out and I dont go in there. She's kind of a bitch, so we just won't go in there.

Through here is my bedroom, and I don't mind saying that it's the fucking bomb. I have the most comfortable bed in the universe, big fluffy white pillows and a white comforter, um, sure, you can sit on it. Yeah, well ok, lay down if you need to. See? It's great, huh? Yeah, it's big, it's California King. Well, yeah, you can lay there for a minute if you want to. That table over there in the corner with all the books on it is broken, so watch out. Yeah, I painted the walls myself, it's light purple though, not blue. My bathroom is in there - white walls, purple towels, and the smallest shower in the history of the universe. It's like a cell. That thing? It's a little brass buddha someone got for me somewhere. Yeah, he's cute. Rub his belly, it's good luck. The stereo is over in that corner, but you need the remote thing to work it and Spencer is currently holding it hostage somewhere because I won't let him use the playstation. He says no games for him, no music for me. Whatever, I can't be bothered arguing sometimes. The bookshelves? They're in the closet, I know, it's big, huh? - yeah, I have a zillion books - I think there are more in those boxes under the bed. Yeah, that lamop is the Eiffel Tower, my friend got it for me. I kinda like it. All those pictures on my dresser at the end of the bed are my friends and family - I like them there 'cause this way I can see them when I'm in bed. I dunno, it makes me happy. Um, the balcony is out through those french doors, but it's a little dirty right now, and honestly, I still haven't cleaned up all the broken glass, so I wouldn't go out there. Zero, STAY. It does give the best light in the morning, though.

Wow, I'm kinda sleepy, would you mind switching places with me? Yeah, I need a nap. Uh huh, you can let yourself out, just don't let the cat out again, please. ZERO, STAY. Damn dog.

Tep:
Down the hall, there's the bathroom -- don't step in that, fool, that's the litterbox, where the other half of the magic happens. -ed.

Momus:
Living room to the left. Rather bland parquet floor. One whole wall is windows. It's pretty empty apart from a curved granny-baroque button sofa, a TV and a big white inflatable igloo. Oh that? That's my penis. Peeking out from behind it is my thigh. -ed.

this thread is such a super lady

-- Nordicskillz (t1nym1n...), May 9th, 2003. (Nordicskillz)

Better late then never.

Hi, I'm Adam and this is my new(ish) crib. It's a wee little bungalow in Berkeley, California. Notice the view of the Berkeley Hills from our porch- I like that, because the views from our last two apartments were 1)a Family Dollar car lot in Ohio, and 2)a brick wall in North London. We have a porch/patio area with a wooden fence around it, but no gate (as promised by the landlord), so for fear of having people walk off the street and steal stuff, we don't yet use this area for much.
Through the front door we have our living room- notice the brown (faux?) leather sofa, that's our favorite thing as we've only had it a week. My wife mostly uses it to store paperwork on, so I don't actually get to sit on it that much. That said, it's a nice room, we get lots of light in here, and we have hardwood floors and an "authentic" gas fireplace! Look at those crackling flames! Aaaah. On the mantlepiece you will see a rag-tag collection of random objects cobbled together to give the impression of "decoration"- an old pumpkin (don't ask), a cocktail shaker, a Klimt print, an empty vase, some "orange tree" artwork made by a friend of mine in London, and our Belizean ceremonial mask that looks a bit like Father Christmas. We only have a tiny, tiny TV/VCR combo that we bought when we were in Ohio, and no cable, so we mostly rent videos. Across the room is the desk, where I do most of my ILXing and music listening (no stereo yet). That cupboard in the corner is where I keep all of my camera stuff, and there's a bookcase where I keep the CD wallets that carried all my CDs over from London.
Through this doorway, you'll find the kitchen, always a bit of a mess. Notice the intense blueness of this room- blue rug, blue plates and bowls, blue vase, and the blue-framed copy (that is, someone painted their OWN version!) of "Starry Night" that my wife found at the thrift store. Notice the original 1920s icebox that we have in the corner-utterly useless. Through the back door is another little patio area with a table and chairs that is ours to use, though we never bother. We also have a palm tree in our back yard!
There is not much to say about our tiny, tiny bathroom other than to draw your attention to the clawfoot tub that we have. It's pretty cool. We also have one of those bath mats that turns your bath into a hot tub, a gift from ILX's own Anthony Kyle Monday!
The last room is the bedroom- still relatively bare, though we'd like to paint it one day. More wood floors and a fake sheepskin rug that I take great pleasure in walking on barefoot when it's a cold morning. We have a lot of stuffed animals for people our age, I make no apologies for that. Anyway, it's time I had breakfast, so you'd better leave. Watch for that house a block up, a dog lives there and barks suddenly and loudly at anyone walking past. Go on, piss off.

Hi, I'm Dee, and welcome to my home. I'm too white to use the word "crib", dears. Come on in. Glad you like the wrought iron security bars and gates. Yes, this is more protected than Fort Knox. No, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Glad you like the foyer. The marble is original to the house, as you can tell. Yes, it's incredibly '70s -- it grows on you, though. Yes, that would be the living room/dining room combination off to the right. Yes, we hardly use it. Yes, there's a reason why it's blocked off -- she's asleep on the couch in the den at the moment.

That room down there? Er, that's our junk room, really. Yes, there is more to it -- we've got a bathroom downstairs with chipped saltillo tile. Well, it's officially a bathroom -- unofficially it's our laundry room. Upstairs? Those would just be bedrooms and bathrooms. Eh, they're boring -- seen one bedroom, seen them all. Yes, I am hiding the fact that I've got half a dozen Duran Duran posters hanging from my wall teenager-style in my bedroom. So?

Ok, now we're in the den. Hmmm, where'd our puppy go? Oh, I see her -- she's running out in the back yard. See how huge it is? Yeah, it's a bitch to mow. So, den. Big TV, huh? I'm still trying to figure out how to reconnect the digital cable box here. Hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later. See the neato bathroom? Yes, that would be my toothpaste and toothbrush. Am I loyal to Colgate Total Plus Whitening? Yes.

Let me show you our kitchen. Huge, huh? There ain't no way that we could recreate "30 Minute Meals" in this kitchen. I'm sorry, but impossible. The appliances are about ten years old. I love the microwave -- it's the very first one we've ever had with a digital display! It looks plain and too "country kitchen"? Honey, you should've seen the place *before* we moved in. It was scary.

Anyway, looks like dinner's almost ready, so you've got to get going. Sorry, hon. Got to get a move on. We'll have lunch sometime. Scrammers, please!

Wow, I'll never be in marketing.

the kitchen's not bad huh? yeah i like it too. she's got about a million pots and pans, and tons of spices. none of her knives are sharp, though. we split basic food things, she's pretty anal about noticing exactly how much i've consumed. it's about to drive me up the wall, to be honest. but let's forget about the landlady. let's go inside, i'm cold. *creeeeeeak* *click* *click* *click* *click* *ratchety-ratchety*

tea? great. let's go upstairs and i can show you where the magic has probably happened tens of thousands of times since this building was built. it's victorian. yeah, so maybe actually just thousands. anyway, it's a nice shade of green, yeah? now come here, i want to show you the study. shit, the tea's done, i'll just go downstairs and fix it.

(you are left alone in the small room. when you shift your weight the floorboards creak. you look at yourself in the mirror above the non-functional fireplace. what the hell are you doing here? is he going to try and sleep with you?)

(yells from from below) what do you take??

huh???

in your tea! what do you take in your tea!

milk, please!

(you look back into the mirror. he seems nice enough. he comes up the stairs slowly and one at a time, looking closely at the two white mugs of tea, trying not to spill them)

you can whistle, you know.

huh? (he's loving it. he feels good now.)

you can whistle and you won't spill the tea. whistling unites the two halves of your brain. i hear it somewhere. it helps you keep your balance.

really?

i've never tried it, it's just something i heard.

(silence.)

alright MTV, thanks for coming!! now get the hell outta here!!!!

(hip hop soundtrack outro)

i meant the whole thread in general too.

Hey, I'm n/a, welcome to my crib. As you enter the foyer of my building, you'll notice that the combination of our mailman not sorting the mail into the seperate mailboxes and our neighbors throwing their junk mail on the floor has left quite a bit of litter, so watch your step. This is the entry way. The lightbulb is out and we can't reach the light to replace it, so it's kinda dark in here. Sorry. OK, this is like, well, I don't know what to call this room. It's where we keep the books and cds and the stereo, and where the cats sit to watch the pigeons the roof of the church next door. To the left, under the fancy wooden arch, is the living room, with the TV and couch and whatnot. That woodburning stove doesn't work, but it sure looks pretty. Over there is the guitar/computer room. It's always a wreck of guitar cables, sorry. OK, down the hall, first door on the left, is the bathroom. Yes, that's a genuine clawfoot tub, pretty sweet, eh? Keep walking down the hall, and you get to the kitchen, possibly the biggest room in the house. Over here, off the kitchen, is the bedroom. This is where the magic happens. The mirrored closet doors don't really close right, so you can see my dirty clothes, sorry. I've been meaning to wash those. OK, back into the kitchen, if you look out the back window, that's our recently reconstructed deck. They haven't installed lights out there yet, so you can't see anything at night. And there's the backyard. Our upstairs neighbors have apparently been dumping their trash back there again. That's it. OK BYE.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/livingroom.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/window.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/hallway.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/garden.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/bathroom.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/shower.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/fridge.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/kitchensink.jpg

EVERYBODY has "genuine clawfoot tubs"!!!

Okay, this is Kate's room. I have no idea how she fits so much stuff into such a small space. Into the living room ... okay, here's Kate. Say hi Katie.
Kate: What? Get tae fuck.
Me: What you listening to?
Kate: Jefferson Airplane.

Do you like the coffee table? We made it out of a futon base and some magazines. Classy huh? I love this room, you get loads of light in here and as we're on a corner you can track people having arguements for quite a way. It amuses us anyway.

[sound of drumming]

That'll be Jack upstairs, his room's above this one.
Kate: The wee shader's still not done the washing up yet.
Me: Tom's doing it.
Kate: That's not the point.

Okay .. going up the next flight of stairs. Huge cupboard here. We like to call it the linen cupboard as we have delusions of granduer, but as you can see, all we have in here are some boots of mine and some old curtains, origin unknown.

This is my room. You can see Alexandra Palace if you look out of the window on this side. There are also some pigeons that have a kind of menage a tois set up on the roof over there. Yeah, that's kind of the EU clothing mountain over there. Still haven't bought any bookshelves either.

Bathroom, small but cute. I like the colour on the walls. Okay, on and on. Tom's room. Rather worryingly neat considering he's a bit of a hippie. How much? Well, he once threw out a great deal of his wardrobe to see if he could live with a set amount of clothing.

Into Jack's room.

Hey!

Jack: [Looks up from behind drum kit] What's going on?
Me: MTV!
Jack: What? [removes ear protecters]
Me: MTV!
Jack: Oh right, I thought they were coming tomorrow.
Me: No, now. Anyway, look at the collection of glass bottles here. We found them all in the loft. It's like someone put their whole life up there in 1953 and then moved out.

That's pretty much everything. Thanks for coming."

I sleep in a studio apartment with a decent kitchen and a bathroom and a walk-in closet and a cat and some expensive speakers I barely use anymore. I don't really use the kitchen either.

I'm kind of disgusted by all of it today, I keep wishing terrorists would attack while I'm out of town so I could just start over.

Welcome. This room on the left is the library. Yes, it is quite big. The estate agents seemed almost embarrassed to show me this room, as it has no power points or windows or heating, but it's perfect for this purpose. That backgammon set there is apparently worth a lot of money - it was a present to my late aunt from King Faisal of Saudi Arabia. Her sister was married to the President of the Lebanon. We played together a lot, and she left it to me in her will.

This second heavy door here in the hall makes me think that this part of the hallway, plus the library, didn't used to be part of the flat. Note that the light in this part is like those in the public walkways, and isn't under my control or run from my electric. Strange.

Okay, we'll go left. That's the bathroom. Plain and simple. Round the corner is the toilet - usually makes no difference having it separate when I live alone. This junk in this bedroom needs shifting and culling, really. I guess I haven't bothered so far as I have no real use for the room. If I ever get short of money I'll clear stuff out and put a double bed and some cupboards and stuff in there and rent it out, I guess.

This room is unused too - just the mattress lying there. A couple of ILXers have slept on it. I'm thinking of getting maybe three more bookcases - I have 19 full-sized ones at the moment - and moving the comics and graphic novels in here, giving more room for books in the main library. I'll have to get round to that soon, though it'll be a pain in the arse putting the cases together and shifting everything. Comics are heavy.

This is the main bedroom. The walnut dresser, chest of drawers and wardrobe are several decades old, and among the few decent pieces of furniture I own. Otherwise not much to say.

These four doors here are just storage space and the boiler and stuff. This is the kitchen - nice enough, reasonably big, all pretty new. The fridge has more chocolate in it than anything else, and ice lollies and ice cream make up about a third of what's in the freezer. No, there aren't any vegetables around, well, except the crisps.

This is the living room. Yes, lots of records, CDs and tapes. I keep the art books and reference books in here too, as I like to look at and refer to them often. Computer positioned so that I can see the TV too, music centre near at hand, and still plenty of space. I like having everything in regular use together like this. Yeah, it is a bit of a mess. I really need to tidy away all these documents - I had some financial fusses recently. That door there leads to a nice big storage cupboard - some computer stuff, and that wall is all my videos.

That's about it. Oh, that's another big storage cupboard in the hall there. Hoover, ironing board and tools mainly. It's still almost empty - I have more space than I know what to do with, really.

Okay, five steps up. Yeah, the foyer looks different. We did lay ceramic tile on its floor. Biggest mistake of our lives. This thing is a bitch to walk on. Looks beautiful, though, doesn't it? Yeah, you're still seeing a sea of white walls. What can I say -- we like white walls! Okay, same old stuff hanging on the walls -- yeah, that's just a print of a floral painting -- okay, um, family room time. That's what I'm calling the den these days. Less "cave man" like. The couch is about ten years old, thanks for noticing. The faux leather recliner is mine. Yeah, I do eat dinner off that TV tray. That computer? Mom's. Okay, yeah, the back yard still looks like a bitch to mow, but it's our bitch. Oh well.

Okay, kitchen time. Yeah, we did lay the same cermaic tile on its floor as the one on the floor of the foyer. Still huge, sure. Note the table we're using as a kitchen island. Oh, but look! We've moved the toaster over from one end of the kitchen to the other, so we can have room for the crock pot! Oh yeah, that's another pantry. The storage that came built into the kitchen was pretty pitiful. Okay, you're going to want to gloss over the state of the floor. I have no idea how it gets as dirty as rapidly as it does. Yes, the fridge/freezer combo and stove are both Kenmore. Yeah, we do spend a lot of money at Sears. No, I don't think we actually own stock in that company, though I'm not too sure.

Okay, let's actually go upstairs! Watch those eight steps. Yeah, it can be a bit of an inconvenience doing laundry here, though I suppose not as much of an inconvenience as that of actually having to go to a laundromat. Sorta. I guess. Okay, this small room used to be my father's. Yeah, there's a bunch of stuff in it. It's, um, mine. Sorry. Sure, this could also be considered another storage room. Why did Dad sleep in a different bedroom? Well, Mom couldn't stand the loud snoring he did. Yeah, it was pretty loud. Even I could hear it, on occasion. Okay, that was Dad's bathroom. I can't bear to use it. Just too much. Okay, down the hallway. Here's my bedroom! It looks a tiny bit messy -- I'm sorry. Thanks for noticing the computer box on the corner. After moving the new computer into the bedroom and then packing every part of my old computer up in the box that was left, I didn't have enough energy to move the box out again. I love this new computer of mine. I love love love love love it. Yeah, the furniture's bound to look old -- it is old. About fifty years old. Um, the Duran stuff? Yeah, mine. Posters are off the walls, though. Looks bleak in here? Um, I'm sorry. Let's go.

This is Mom's bedroom. Yes, it's adjacent to mine. Yes, I live with my mother, but I pay the mortgage payments, so it's not a pathetic thing. Well, not really mortgage payments, since it's more accurately a home equity loan I'm paying off, but still, helping out. Can't reveal to you how much the monthly payments are, sorry. Oh, but look! This room has spectacular views of, um, treetops and rooftops and stuff. Yeah, sorry. Sometimes it can be entertaining, though. Oh, and look at this -- our street and driveway. It's fun in a maddening way, looking out at the street and seeing which short-dicked dingbats think it's okay to speed down a residental street at 40mph. Fuckers. I hope to God they get into a serious accident. Argh. Okay, calming down.

Let's come back down! I've got some bundt cake here for you. Yummy lemon iced bundt cake. Um, from Sam's, yeah. But still, yummy! Oh yeah, we use paper plates all the time. No, I don't feel awkward about that -- why should I be? We've been using paper plates for as long as I can remember. Um, you've got to go? Was it the paper pla-- oh, okay. Have other places to go to. Understandable. Bye, then! Don't be a stranger!

the halls nice isn't it? haven't gotten around to putting up hooks or whatnot yet, throw yer coat on the floor there. yeah, on that pile.

so this is the kitchen. we only get the little german cockroaches thanks goodness. ah, the fridge. its an upside down one. man, i knew my travelling days were over when we bought this fucker. the shelves in the door busted a bit.

lets skip the rest. wannna beer?

This where the rules now be at, word!

Last night I saw a "best of..." and (bizarrely) it featured Robbie Savage. He had a rather nice house in Cheshire but the decor was exactly how you expect it. All white and beige and a Stark juicer left here, one of them designer radiators left there. And every room dominated by huge tv's. And no books (or even magazines) anyway. I liked what he'd done with the patio area though.

Perhaps I should be a-decoratin' again soon.

The accomodation comprises of -
Entrance via own doors to -
Hallway carpeted staircase to first floor -
Landing dado rail, fitted carpet, radiator, power points. Doors to:

http://static.flickr.com/13/15345457_a5f1652c1a_o.jpg

Lounge - 15'10" x 10'7" Double glazed wondows to front aspect, original cast iron fireplace, stripped wooden flooring, picture rail, original coving, radiator, power points

Bedroom one - 10'11" x 10'9" Double glazed window to rear aspect, picture rail, fitted carpet, radiator, power points

Bedroom Two - 11'5 x 10' Double glazed windows to rear aspect, picture rail, original cast iron fireplace, fitted carpet, radiator, power points. Views out over the park

http://static.flickr.com/16/21987373_fb4d9dcf7a.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v413/chrisnvicky/fireplace.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v413/chrisnvicky/door.jpg

Modern Fitted Kitchen - 8' x 8' Window to side aspect, range of fitted base and wall units with wood and stainless steel work tops. stainless steel round bowl sink unit with mixer tap, stainless steel cooker splash backs, smeg gas cooker, stainless steel extractor, smeg dishwasher, Miel washing machine, fridge/freezer, storage cupboard housing wall mounted combination boiler, wooden stained pine flooring, power points.

Fitted Bathroom - opaque double glazed windows to side aspect, matching white three piece suite comprising - panelled bath with power shower and shower screen, pedestal wash hand basin, low level wc, stained pine flooring, Door giving access to the garden.

Exterior - Approximately 35ft own section of rear garden.

http://static.flickr.com/10/15349384_1324a01811.jpg

What the estate agent will hope people don't notice/won't know:

Yes, we do live next to a very weird man, as you can tell by all the notices he's just cellotaped to his door along the lies of 'no junk amil here!' 'no menus' 'no flyers' very classy.

Here's the lounge, if downstairs are in, maybe you'll be lucky enough to witness the room shaking if they go in or out their front door, it's a real treat! And yes, aren't the floor boards fantastic! If you look in this corner you can see that there's actually nothing between the floor boards and the downstairs hall, imagine how good that must be for soundproofing!

Here's the spare room, doesn't it look spacious? That's because we've got rid of a corner wardrobe and countless boxes into storage so that it looks like a decent sized room again. Of course you'll fit all your stuff in the flat! If you look closely you'll see a little blip in the ceiling. That's all that's left to show that we've got a missing tile on the roof and yes, the water's been getting through. An oil based undercoat really does get rid of water stains!

here's our kitchen. Doesn't it look spacious and gorgeous! That's because the units aren't set out galley style, which means there's very little storage space. If you look closely you'll notice that we don't have a fridge/freezer as most people know them, we've just got a fridge with a freezer compartment. That's because if you wanted a decent sized freezer bit you'd have to get rid of a precious wall mounted unit! The extractor unit was out addition. I don't think the previous occupants actually cooked anything. After a few months there was a layer of oil covering everything in the hall because there's no door on the kitchen. Unfortunately, because Chris is so tall the extractor isn't low enough to suck all the nastiness, oops!

You'll notice that we've got a lovely net over the bed. That's not because I've got bad taste, it's because we get mosquitos in the summer and it's a working mozzie net.

Apart from that it's a great flat and I'm really going to miss it, anyone want to buy it?!

I <3 my crib

I sort of almost feel like...I don't deserve it, at times