Embarassing Sexual Moments...

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Pretty much everyone has one of these - those moments of sex when something went, well, in an unintended direction. So what ones to you dig-up and talk about at the bar with your buddies? (Or do you keep them hidden and refuse to admit that anything has ever happened?)

To get things started - (No, not the story(ies) about falling asleep while giving blow jobs! And not the one about being on top and coming down at the wrong angle, and thereby adding a new angle to my partner's member.) The anecdote - having just had incredible sex, we shift positions so I am on the bottom, and he's still inside and still semi-hard. We're talking and laughing and staring moonily into each other's eyes - one of *those* moments. And then a sneeze, arrives with no forewarning. I manage to turn my head to one side and save my partner from the droplets of moisture, but as the sneeze occurs I inadvertently squeeze my vaginal muscles and pretty much push his penis out. That's all fine and good. But the condom has come off and is now lost somewhere inside my canal. And, while he's fishing for the latex, I am consumed with giggles and keep fidgeting, making his job that much more difficult.

So, um, anything like this ever happened to you?

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I presume you were married to this boy at the time.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:44 (twenty-two years ago)

married with condoms? bloody catholics!

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:49 (twenty-two years ago)

CATHOLICS DO NOT USE CONDOMS.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Rhythm Method = Why there are so many Catholics.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Embarrassing? Most of the scenarios I can think of involve having gotten caught (or narrowly escaping getting caught) in flagrante delicto. And there was that one time I blurted out something very telling...

― anon in case i regret this later, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:06 (twenty-two years ago)

"I'm telling Dad!!!"

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:06 (twenty-two years ago)

And there was that one time I blurted out something very telling...

I kind of oh let's say unintentionally feminized the man I was fucking, because although I really liked what he was doing, I was fantasizing about a woman at that moment. I was mortified that I'd let that slip, but he LOVED it.

― still anon, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:24 (twenty-two years ago)

foreskin splitting and bleeding everywhere on my first time. put me off for a very long time and i only recently got over it and managed to lose my v-plates proper.
Someone's going to pipe up and say "but that happens to women on their first time" but somehow that was no comfort to me. I'm okay now though :-)

― someone (dog latin), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Did she bleed too? I am imagining a ridiculous Borgias type blood bath and parents bursting in to say 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?'

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:43 (twenty-two years ago)

CATHOLICS DO NOT USE CONDOMS.

i dont know how that happened - thinking one thing and writing exactly the opposite - how incredibly embarassing for me...albeit not in a sexual way at least - whew

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:45 (twenty-two years ago)

bloody non-catholics i guess i meant....okay so it wasnt funny anyway (*cries*)

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:46 (twenty-two years ago)

ARRRGGHHH!!! I had a guy split a foreskin on me and start bleeding all over the place. *that* was quite embarrassing. Like "Oh god, I didn't fuck you that hard... really? Did I?"

― kate, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Did she bleed too? I am imagining a ridiculous Borgias type blood bath and parents bursting in to say 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?'

no. she thought she was on. much more experienced than me and I was a late starter anyway (I was at uni at the time and very nervous about the whole thing). Just ended up going home embarrassed and frustrated.

― someone again (dog latin), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never before been so glad to be circumcised.

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 00:54 (twenty-two years ago)

What Nabisco said.

― Mr. Diamond (diamond), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:00 (twenty-two years ago)

ARRRGGHHH!!! I had a guy split a foreskin on me and start bleeding all over the place. *that* was quite embarrassing. Like "Oh god, I didn't fuck you that hard... really? Did I?"

im sure you didn't. i think it might have actually been the condom that did it or pulling my foreskin back too fast or something.

― someone (dog latin), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Here goes..LOL. It was when I accidently queafed *pussyfart* (it never happened to me before) when my ex (thankgod) wanted to do me 'doggystyle' in the pussy (before anyone thinks he took my anal cherry,That's still there *thank god*)
That to me, was my most embaressing experience in sex, which was ages and ages ago.I am happily engaged to Nik, and very happily!But,(no pun intended) I am hoping to give my anal cherry to Nik) on our honeymoon,I wonder if I am going to fart on his penis, that TRUELY would be MORE embaressing!!!!!

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Becky you very, very odd. Don't take this the wrong way but the way you write is like an 8 year old inhabiting the body of a sexually active woman and it's a little.. disturbing.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Rhythm Method = Why there are so many Catholics.

haha in sex ed at high school i askedabout the rhythm method and thats exactly what the guidance counsellor said!

― di smith (lucylurex), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:37 (twenty-two years ago)

8 year old? haha, i bet HE must be loving that

but what would his wife make of all this?

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Can we drop this '40 year old male' baiting please? If it is true then it doesn't seem to be putting him off and if it isn't (as I assume) then it's just victimisation and not helping (sorry stevem I know you were just being flippant and maybe I'm wrong anyway).

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Was there ever a shred of evidence of this 'fat 40 year old' thing being true (as opposed to just somebody's 'hunch')?

― David (David), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:44 (twenty-two years ago)

N..What's even more disturbing is that this is a thread about sex, and *YOU* are thinking about 8 year olds.*yucky* If You ask me!

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:44 (twenty-two years ago)

call it 'research'

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Well that's kind of a loaded question, David. It was just someone's 'hunch' yes, but I guess they thought it was the best way of accounting for Becky's oddness.

Yeah Becky, whatever.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow.....You guys just won't stop with the '40 year old male' thing......You guys are also ruining this persons thread here..
Shame on you.

*Hi, My name is Becky, I am 25 years old,By the way, I am female, if my name wasn't a 'give away'*

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Odd? If you took the time to realize that thinking of an 8 year old in a thread about embaressing sexual mishaps, isn't odd, then I don't know what planet You are from Mr!

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I will die happy if I never have to read the words "ass cherry" and "pussyfart" on ILx again.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey N...come to find out, that's probably why You are thinking about 8 year olds,So why were you with an 8 year old in the first place? You sick fuck! (Don't like it, do You?)

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:56 (twenty-two years ago)

your humour is starting to get a little esoteric

(slight return)

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Becky, it was your style of expressing yourself that I called childlike, not the subject. If you read what I wrote again then you'll see that it was exactly that mismatch between style and content that I found odd.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Jesus Christ!

"I think I will die happy if I never have to read the words "ass cherry" and "pussyfart" on ILx again."

I must be wrong,Cause I thought this thread was about EMBARESSING SEXUAL MOMENTS....

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:59 (twenty-two years ago)

N..welcome to the 'real world'
You must be hardcore Amish, am I right, or am I right? It has to be the 'Amish' one, because if You aren't Amish, you must be like really really stupid then? Oh, and....Don't take it the wrong way...LOL

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:01 (twenty-two years ago)

don't feed the troll don't feed the troll don't feed the troll don't feed the troll don't feed the troll don't feed the troll

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Spent five minutes trying to fit things together. Then gave up. Nuff' said.

― name removed to protect the innocent, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:07 (twenty-two years ago)

That girl,
But *YOU* need to eat, hun!

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:07 (twenty-two years ago)

So, are all of the "not a 40 year male" camp convinced yet?

Sheesh. It makes one wonder how long some of you have been on the internet...

― Mr. Diamond (diamond), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:08 (twenty-two years ago)

There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your troll photofits, Mr. Diamond.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:11 (twenty-two years ago)

juanita special bean dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

pasadena mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blowjob. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)

― The GURU (GURU), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:14 (twenty-two years ago)

i never understood why it had to be a 'windy' shit

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah what exactly is a "windy" shit there Guru?

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I dunno, N, all I'm sayin' is if it smells like a troll, looks like a troll....

― Mr. Diamond (diamond), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:56 (twenty-two years ago)

LOL @ GURU

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 02:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Mr. Diamond, So it must be your mother ? Is that what You are saying?

*I know, I know, cheap shot....*

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I dunno - I thought trolls existed to get a rise out of people / annoy them / shake them out of some perceived smugness. Becky's not doing that - she's essentially *reactive* in her shouting fits. None of her jibes at people could surely be taken to heart because they are so mental. She's pertubing cause she's weird and out of control. There are plenty of real people who are like that.

Troll or no troll, making sarcastic comments about her identity just seems to makes things worse. As does talking about her like she's not here, probably, so I'll stop now.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Me and my buddies all took turns on this spanish ho-bag, Carmella, who fed us papaya which got us all horn-dogged out. Well, I guess I didn't exactly get to do THE DEED at this moment, but later on my friends felt sorry for me because they got to ride the glorious Carmella machine and I didn't, so they got me a two-bit whore named Joslin who wore red patent leather and called me a "softie" because I tried to kiss her. Anyhow, I got crabs from Joslin and tried to drown them by swimming for 8 hours the next day, which didn't work. *sigh* being a teenager and a virgin in 1982 sucks.

― Last American Virgin, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:07 (twenty-two years ago)

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:09 (twenty-two years ago)

what you do is douse your pubes in meths, set it alight, and stab the crabs with your hunting knife as they try to escape

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:09 (twenty-two years ago)

It's like this place has gone to the aol chatroom dogs.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Make it stop Nicole - you're our only hope!

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:12 (twenty-two years ago)

*Hi, My name is Becky, I am 25 years old,By the way, I am female, if my name wasn't a 'give away'*

So now I know why you got pissed off when I said that you acted like a 14-15 year old. Let me apoligize to you again.

Just one more thing. Do you have any interests other than sex? If so, I'd like to hear a little more about them.

― Christine "Green Leafy Dragon" Indigo (cindigo), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Make it stop Nicole - you're our only hope!

I will need a lighter and a ball of twine.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, come on, I was bored.

― Last Virgin, again, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:16 (twenty-two years ago)

You people are so uptight.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Wait, you mean I have to get rid of muh pubes?

― Virgin, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:19 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not the sex.. it's the plethora of unfamiliar/anonymous/fake email addresses that's aol chatroomesque i think.

Good night all.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:21 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not the sex.. it's the plethora of unfamiliar/anonymous/fake email addresses that's aol chatroomesque i think

Exactly.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I honestly think it's the "uptightness" that can make things so great here to begin with. I mean, being uptight is RARE these days. Especially on the internet.

― Kim (Kim), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:24 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not the sex.. it's the plethora of unfamiliar/anonymous/fake email addresses that's aol chatroomesque i think

Some people are interested in sharing their experiences but they post anonymously because they don't necessarily want something they once said in a moment of candor to follow them around their whole lives.

― anon again naturally, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Christine, actually, NO. Sex is the only important thing in my life, in a day, as and when I wake up, I have my fist jabbed deep into my pussyhole, and I can't explain it, but it remains there til at least, hmmmmmm, let me see....NOONISH,because I need at least 100 orgasms before noon, then I take my very soggy hand out of there, and in goes the other hand, and I fist fuck my grand canyon pussy til at least 4:pm for another desperately wanted 50 more orgasmsup to the point when I take my daily shit, I have at least a 12 inch plastic dildo up my cunt, whilst pushing the shitload out my rusty bullet hole, trying to hurry up because I can only get about 4 orgasms whilst I am shitting, and I want to eagerly replace my emptied buthole with a 10 foot but-plug, and then after I am done shitting,I hurriedly go into the living room and have at least 4 televisions going simultaneously with quadripple X pornos that were made in Sweden,complete with man AND beast and I break about 10 unbreakable dildos until I get my orgasm 'right'.....til about 6 pm, when I then have my dinner salad which is complete with extra cucumber, I mean, who said my pussyhole had to starve, ffs? Anyway, I get another 10 orgasms, then I take a rest, and I shove in a vibrator up my minging twat, so I don't have to do all the work (by this time, my fists are tired and my regular dildos are worn)After about let's say, 200 electronically induced orgasms, I retreat to my bed at 10 pm, where I get my inflatable 'man friend' and get on top of it, being held up by shoulder and arm straps from my ceiling,so I can sleep in the 'on top' position, and that pretty much describes my day.
You daft bitch.

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Let me just say this loud and proud:

I am Samantha. The email address below is real. Please feel free to email me. I've been here since before 9/11 and will be glad to share my anal sex experiences with all of you!!

Take that ANONS and TROLLS!!

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:41 (twenty-two years ago)

That girl?What are you doing here? I thought the moderator made Your special 'Jack and Jane' thread....You know, the one especially equipped with the 'mouse over word' so you can hear the pronunciation of the word 'cat' and 'I'......

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow, this thread didn't go in quite the direction that I had initially anticipated. So much for my powers of prognastication - guess I need not give-up my day job.

So I shall go back to shooting rubber bands at the commentators who feel the need to "interpret" Bushie-baby's speech for me. (Does anyone else get pissy at the commentators who seem to assume that everyone in the audience is a complete idiotic, ignorant dunce?)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 04:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay, but before I go back to the rubber-banding violence, here's a link to one of my favorite Flash sites, 'cause I think that this thread needs to be lightened-up a little (and I do think that anyone who can identify with any of the characters in the song qualifies for an "Embarassing Sexual Moments" posting).

http://www.riddleme.com/html/cow.html

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 04:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Does anyone else get pissy at the commentators who seem to assume that everyone in the audience is a complete idiotic, ignorant dunce?

is that all they're doing, you think?

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 04:42 (twenty-two years ago)

And, um, cows really only have four nipples on their udders, right? (I've obviously not been spending enough time with the bovine community as of late.)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 04:43 (twenty-two years ago)

mslaura,are You watching American Idol?

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 04:56 (twenty-two years ago)

4 nipples? that's nuts. Sorry laura, I really can't think of any embarrasing moments. not that i think i've never had any, probably just erased them from memory.

ignore the dubya and maybe he will go away. oh wait, i think i meant someone else. . .

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 05:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Becky, nope *laughing* At the moment I have CNN on, muted, and am listening to The Seven Deadly Sins. And before I was bitching about the State of the Onion address (though I do think his speechwriters did end-up with one or two memorable lines).

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 05:27 (twenty-two years ago)

That Girl, er, DallasDeadGirl (just how the heck would you prefer to bo addressed? I am a wee bit uncertain on this one and don't want to inadvertently offend [is there such a word as "adverntly"?] with my not being bright enough at this hour to figure out a good nick name).

Anyway, you're lucky that you were able to erase them from your memory - I've some that haunt my subconscious, popping to the surface at the most inconvenient times (like during a business meeting) and making me all flaming faced and everything. So count yourself very fortunate *grin*

So you really think he might go away? If I pretend he doesn't exist will he vanish? Can I live with this fantasy? (What was the Douglas Adams reference to the beast that was so stupid that he assumed if you couldn't see him, he couldn't see you?) (And why in the hell did that come to mind? Another one of those subconscious things?)

Okay, I am off to bed. Good night all, and be well :)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 05:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Here's Ad-Rock's:

I practice asana daily so I'm very flexible
I'm a Scorpio so you know I'm very sexual

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 05:48 (twenty-two years ago)

haha in sex ed at high school i askedabout the rhythm method and thats exactly what the guidance counsellor said!

One highlight of sex ed in a U.S. Catholic high school: One day an exceptionally dour-faced nun came in to give the sophomores a lecture about the various types of birth control methods. As I recall, she told the medical truth, although she did seem to linger on failure rates and unpleasant side effects (not that those aren't important).

The rhythm method and other "fertility awareness" methods actually can be quite effective as long as: 1) the woman's cycles are regular and 2) the couple has the restraint to refrain from any activities that could result in sperm getting into the vagina during her fertile periods.

As for embarrassing sexual moments, mine would probably have to be when my bed literally collapsed beneath us while he and I were going at it. However, if my neighbors heard anything they never told me.

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 05:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Laura, you can call me Samantha.

J.lu, now that you mention i do remember a wooden ikea bed cracking during the act once. that was funny though.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 05:57 (twenty-two years ago)

becky, queefing is perfectly normal and happens during sex all the time, especially when shifting positions. I usually hate it when women get self conscious about this because, hey, it happens but then they get all embaressed and turned off. :-( Many's the time that I've had to resist farting during a blowjob however.

I don't have any really embaressing moments except once using the wrong name, although I don't even know if I did use the wrong name or my lover just misheard a similar name for hers. Either way it ended things pretty quickly that evening.

― anon!, Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:25 (twenty-two years ago)

This is funny, as I just asked some airhead from another thread if she was done farting, and had anything *interesting* to say....

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:30 (twenty-two years ago)

i find it embarassing that everyone i've had sex with is a complete knob-twiddler. and i don't mean that musically.

― di smith (lucylurex), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

okay not everyone - but most of them.

― di smith (lucylurex), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey! I'm a guy!

(In yr. worldview becky, can guys be airheads?)

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:37 (twenty-two years ago)

When I had that queafing incident, I think I was about 16 or 17, So I think (due to age) I was entitled to the embaressing feeling that rushed through my body when that happened,The only thing that "comforted" the embaressing feeling (I use the word 'comforted' a bit losely here) was the fact that it was with my ex boyfriend and at the time, we had been together for at least a good 4 or 5 years..Because as soon as my pussy went *queaf* He noticed my embaressment and quickly said "It's okay" and kept humping me as if nothing happened....... A few days later on Love Line,(KROQ radio station) I heard about a guy who accidently shitted pellets in his girlfriends bed whilst they were doing the deed, and I laughed my head off at that, as You can imagine,not just because it was funny, but because I thought *I* was embaressed a few days before...LOL

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Listen Sterling, I don't mean to sound rude, But do You remember the comedy show "In living color" ? Well they had this one character, and I completely forgot if he was played by one of the Ivory brothers, or one of the other show regulars, but the character used *ALOT* of BIG words, but made absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever, and that my dear, is EXACTLY what *YOU* sounded like on that thread.
And Yes, as You proved it, Guys *CAN* be airheads.

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:43 (twenty-two years ago)

which one is the big word in what he said?

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 07:49 (twenty-two years ago)

ah I think there are too many cross-threads here

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 08:06 (twenty-two years ago)

As long as he doesn't use any words like *ALOT* the rest of us can understand him.

btw - cows have teats, not nipples.

― toraneko (toraneko), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

*grin* Thanks, Toraneko - that occured to me this morning - I was kinda hoping that no-one had noticed *laughing.* But, an interesting question arises: what exactly is the defining difference between nipples and teats? Shape? Number? Nipples for humans and teats for all other mammals? Anyone have anything to contribute?

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 18:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Ha ha. "Becky" says she's got a "grand canyon pussy".

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Whoever Becky is, I think I've read a few of literary works before.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

She was an English Lit student, a year older than me, and way above my level (or so I thought) . She exuded this wild, raw, sex appeal. After months of unrequited love/lust I astonished myself one drunken evening by ending up in bed with her. This was the stuff of fantasies. As she assertively pushed my head below demanding oral sex there came a shock. A truly obnoxious smell exuded from her genitals. Truly rank. I almost vomited. She grabbed my head and pushed me into her. I felt like passing out. My erection was long gone, as she was not slow to point out ‘Brewer’s Droop? ‘. What should I say?

Later, much later, the truth emerged. She’d been on her period and had forgotten to remove the tampon. It had been there for weeks and had begun to fester with this foul smelling discharge

― anonononon (stevo), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Surely, SHE would have smelled that too? YUCK!

This thread embarasses me.

I'm too modest to tell my stories. But compared to these, mine aren't so bad after all.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Central College, in Iowa. Called itself "Central University of Iowa." Acronym of the food service: CUIFS.

They changed it.

not embarrassing to me, obv, but for an entire INSTITUTION, people.

― g.cannon (gcannon), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Later, much later, the truth emerged.

Okay, this one got even my stomach mumbling in turmoil.

So what did you say? And what eventually happened? And did she end-up with TSS or blood poisoning or something equally as horrid?

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:41 (twenty-two years ago)

How the HELL do you forget about a tampon????????????

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:42 (twenty-two years ago)

ILX nominated for Bad Sex Award shockah

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks, Dan - I was wondering the same thing myself. And the smell should have been a tip-off, I should think.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 19:45 (twenty-two years ago)

How the HELL do you forget about a tampon????????????

You might well ask Dan, but she had. How she didn’t notice the, erm, aroma …. god only knows. It was truly disgusting.

As to what I said…daft as it now seems I think I initially felt more comfortable with her assuming I was a flop in bed than actually telling her the truth. It was all acutely embarrassing, not least as I was quite in awe of having ended up in bed with her. Eventually I muttered something about there being something of a problem downstairs. The moment gone she rapidly dozed off.

As she snored next to me I smoked a cigarette and pondered over how things in life never quite turn out as you expect. The following morning we woke with massive hangovers. I tried, as diplomatically as I could to suggest she should go for a check-up. Taking a hint she went to the WC and discovered the offending tampon. No infections fortunately. Later she did her utmost to make up for the incident (and how), and I did my utmost to forget it.

― anonononon (stevo), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Moderator: please delete entire internet.

― DavidM (DavidM), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:05 (twenty-two years ago)

It sounds like a horrid experience - enough to make one think about avoiding oral sex in the future - I don't know how I'd react in such a circumstance - as the person with the problem I'd be mortified and as the person going down I'd be embarassed for her.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:06 (twenty-two years ago)

"Hey, I went to the doctor and had my cooter scrubbed, fancy a munch?"

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

*mouth agape*

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:09 (twenty-two years ago)

(No wait, that didn't work at ALL...)

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:10 (twenty-two years ago)

TOO LATE!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:11 (twenty-two years ago)

But the string!

Becky, now that you are done queefing, do you have anything important to say?

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, that tampon thing! GROSS!...I could never use a tampon...I had a fear of penetration for a very long time, and most things that You use to penetrate the vaginal opening, puts me right off! All but the exception of the male flesh and bone*er* penis,but even for that I must have some commitment from the person wanting to use his on me, to be ever so honest, My sexual experiences has been with just one man so far (my ex) and Not until my wedding night with Nik, will I give him my most precious possesion.I haven't had sex in SOOOOOOO long,So Nik will be my second and LAST.
Oh, let me explain the explicit sex-a-rama post: Someone asked me if sex was the only important thing to me,So I typed out what she would expect to be my daily ritual...basically a sarcastic/overplayed/dramatized sexual one woman party to satisfy Christines stupidity, and You could have noticed the sarcasm,at the end where I called her a " daft twat" or something of that nature.
So now that I have admitted I havent had sex in ages and ages and ages,You can figure it out, Christine, that sex *ISN'T* important to me.....

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:27 (twenty-two years ago)

*NOTE*
Suzy, very original......NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Again:

Now that you are done queefing, do you have anything important to say?

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

chik! chik-chikahhhhhhh!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:33 (twenty-two years ago)

HA!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:34 (twenty-two years ago)

> Moderator: please delete entire internet.

Award for most droll comment EVER.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy 4 Prez!

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Does that mean she has to run on the No More Queefing platform?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

::pfffffffffffffffffurt!::

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

un. real.

― g.cannon (gcannon), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I find it unbelievable that that woman could have left a tampon in for weeks. Was she using this to cover up for generally being slovenly/not showering, etc.? Not exactly a brilliant save there. . .Either way she does not sound very appetizing.

I can't imagine not using tampons (think of the alternatives!) but I think I speak for most when I say this scenario is beyond belief.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

One time I made popcorn in the microwave and left it there for like, four days.

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

But popcorn is still good after 4-days. I love that stale popcorn. MMM!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy,are You trying to tell us you are a lesbo?
Why do you fancy talking about pussy queafing,especially mine!
*takes a few steps back, and *SLAPS* Suzy's pock marked face*

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't imagine not using tampons (think of the alternatives!)

http://www.magicessence.com/asp/p_the_keeper.asp?ProdType=11

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I feel sexually harassed by this Suzy weirdo!

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 20:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Damn, it took you a whole hour to come up with a lesbian comment.

Nik must love you for your mind as well.

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Er...I am acquainted with someone who had that exact tampon problem. Acquainted, I said. Okay, it was someone I vaguely know who wrote about it on the internet.

― Kerry (dymaxia), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I think it was when my partner's big sister walked in on us. No "Ooh that looks fun - can I join in?" porn style fun, just her shrieking and running out to tell her boyfriend about it. He got furious, and was rather bigger than me and had spent a couple of years in prison and got in fights pretty much every weekend, I was worried, but it amounted to nothing. Yes, the embarrassment as such was short lived.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I have a friend....

Who *in the heat of passion* forgot she had a tampon in. Her boyfriend ended up with a very sore penis. And she ended up fishing the tampon out with a tweezers.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Once I was on the receiving end of some fellating and the female doing the deed thought I might enjoy a finger up the bum. As I yell "Woah, that HURTS!" she decides this is a signal to PUSH IT IN FURTHER AND HARDER, actually causing my rectum to bleed.

― Someone (nickalicious), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

I hope you made her clean it all up with her tongue.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:23 (twenty-two years ago)

People. Log out if posting anonymously!

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Who'd you think you've snared?

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I've heard some other women who've left their tampon in too long anecdotes. Ick!

― rosemary (rosemary), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:29 (twenty-two years ago)

rectum? it nearly killed him!

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:31 (twenty-two years ago)

*rimshot*

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:32 (twenty-two years ago)

HA!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:32 (twenty-two years ago)

JBR wrecks the grade curve once again.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Thank you. I'm always compelled to make a similar joke whenever I pass Manhattan's Rector St.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:36 (twenty-two years ago)

What happens if I didn't log out before trying to post anonymously?

...D'oh!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I've had sex to "Year of the Cat" by Al Stewart. And I rocked it. Thats embarassing enough.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 21:38 (twenty-two years ago)

***WARNING*** Disgusting tampon anecdote follows:

An aquaintance of mine took her three-year-old daughter to the movie theater. Her daughter wanted to use a toilet stall by herself. She emerged, a minute or two later, with a tampon string dangling from her mouth, having taken it for a lollipop.

Are we nauseated yet? Or did this just put the thread over the top?

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:18 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread has fallen headfirst off the shark, I'd say. Not that it had very far to fall.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:21 (twenty-two years ago)

i left a tampon in the microwave for like, four days once

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:22 (twenty-two years ago)

you are lying Ms. Laura. please stop.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:22 (twenty-two years ago)

People: can we NOT warn people about the logging-out thing? Because it's really fucking funny when they do that.

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean:

Once this really horrible embarrassing thing happened to me that I don't want to be associated with.

Signed anonymously,
My log-in name

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree with Nabisco. Also, kudos to Ms Laura for the WRONGEST STORY EVER.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:32 (twenty-two years ago)

What, you've never heard the one about Lydia Lunch making tea for the singer of the Damned, using soiled tampon as the 'bag'?

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:38 (twenty-two years ago)

(Is there something wrong with me because the idea of a little girl sucking on a tampon that she fished out of the toilet has me in hysterical laughter, but the idea of an adult man drinking menses tea has me onthe verge of booting? It's just a situational thing, right?)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 23:41 (twenty-two years ago)

i left a tampon in the microwave for like, four days once

Um, okay, I'll bite - what was a tampon doing in the microwave? Were you pre-warming it before insertion (kinda like doctors warming stethoscopes) or is there an even more interesting explanation?

you are lying Ms. Laura. please stop.

I wish I was, Samantha - I couldn't believe the story when I first heard it, either.

...Also, kudos to Ms Laura for the WRONGEST STORY EVER.

Thank you, thank you ever so much *waving to the cheering multitudes and imitating Nixon's "Victory" wave* Now I know that I have a future before me - I have a talent that will be so widely respectd it will be emblazoned across the top of my C.V.

Oh, and Dan, I don't think there's anything wrong with you - if you can give me kudos, then I can vouch for your "rightness." But, um, well, I kinda found both stories disgusting, but I did laugh at the little girl one, so maybe I am joining you in "wrongness."

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Thursday, 30 January 2003 00:10 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah stop telling people when they've accidentally un-anonymous-ed themselves you fucking squares!!!!! (special attn : TOM) . 'cause that's about my favourite thing that happens around here any more goddam it.

― duane, Thursday, 30 January 2003 00:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Laura, was it definitely a friend of yours and not a friend of your friend's?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 30 January 2003 00:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Laura, was it definitely a friend of yours and not a friend of your friend's?

Yep *grin* I used to babysit the litte girl - and everytime I looked at her I saw an image superimposed over her innocent little face, with that string dandgling from the corner of her mouth (always from the right corner, too, for some reason). And then I watched her grow-up and got to hear the story of her mother (my friend) walking in on the daughter while she was giving a blowjob - all I thought was "well, we've established a definite oral fixation." I imagine that her husband likes that fixation, though :)

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Thursday, 30 January 2003 00:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh unhappily stop-frame maturation!

:-(

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 30 January 2003 00:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I meant:
Oh unhappily time-lapse maturation!

:-(

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 30 January 2003 00:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Man, I'm just now reading through this and, um, Laura THAT WAS BRUTAL.

― Mr. Diamond (diamond), Thursday, 30 January 2003 06:15 (twenty-two years ago)

mslaura, I think these 'OMFG' people, are getting way out of hand.......I think they are either posting from convents or they must of had all their genitalia removed at birth.

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 06:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I am posting from an abbey, thank you very much.

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:34 (twenty-two years ago)

'Must of'? It's MUST HAVE, you silly, uneducated NING.

I'd get back to handling those calls before your supervisor flips out, Becky. Press '1' for urgent spelling lessons. Press '2' for the number of friends you have. Press '3' to return to the obscurity and oblivion from whence you have come. If you want to speak to a representative, learning some ENGLISH might help...

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy, press '4' If You can't handle someone who is just too smart for you to handle, perhaps if there was a 'naive' radar thing in my delicate hand, it be pointing directly at you love. Now, I know you can't handle it, see, when You told me to learn 'English'You must of confused me for some 'disko' (misspelled) loving 'person' Oh, did that hurt? Suzy, If you ever learn the concept of sarcasm, perhaps then only then will you ever understand me with that little inept brain of yours,dear.Oh and Suzy, Did you stay stuck in the 'O' section on your thesaurus? tsk.tsk.
Play it in 'C' now......Suzy want to talk about being uneducated? I can give you some extra carricular work,if you would like some?
Oh you silly, UNEDUCATED animal, you! Suzy says "moo"

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Come on, I know you can do better than that.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy,go play some 'disco' maybe that might make you feel better...
Oh, and I can tell You are a complete toss bag....I bet your pussy resembles a shopping bag, You know what they say about women with the name 'Suzy' Suzy Floozy......
Suzy says "Moo"

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:53 (twenty-two years ago)

becky. dont insult suzy. she will destroy you.

― anthony easton (anthony), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy wants to take on the Princess.Suzy, just know something, I have had about 15 years in Karate and Judo,but You can try anyway! *giggles*

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Anthony, how? I can see she is failing miserably......*yawns*
Are you her pussy whipped boy? *just wondering*

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Really, Becky, you can *still* do much better than that, I know it.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:57 (twenty-two years ago)

BTW, Anthony, are you a wetback? mojado? lol

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 07:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy,I am *always* better....
Than you....fucking right!
*don't worry, suzy, I took 'psychology 101',I know *exactly* what you are 'doing', but just remember, you have to use it on the ones that don't know what *exactly* it is you are 'doing', and ones who don't hold a PhD ffs.Suzy, c'mon......'YOU CAN DO BETTER!' lololol
*giggles*

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 08:03 (twenty-two years ago)

But you've just written something to get your fat, uneducated ass chucked off the board forever so my work here is done.

I wonder if you can tell what that piece of writing was.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 30 January 2003 08:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy, kiss my bumhole,love.

― becky lucas (becky_lucas), Thursday, 30 January 2003 18:16 (twenty-two years ago)

two years pass...

This was a great thread.

― beanz (beanz), Monday, 23 May 2005 09:22 (nineteen years ago)

One time, in a drunken heat after a party, I was beginning to have sex with this girl in my bed, and I'd completely forgot that a few of my friends were still there, sleeping on my floor! After a while they started to notice what was happening, and one of them was like, "You're not really starting to fuck there, are you? Oh god, you are!". Then they had to go knock on my flatmates door (she'd already gone to bed) so they could sleep there. On top of that, a couple of my friends were still in the kitchen, and the only way to my flatmate's room was through my room, so they had to wait until we were finished. Which didn't take for long, though, because I was too drunk to get it on properly.

You can imagine I was rather silent fellow with my friends the next morning.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 23 May 2005 11:58 (nineteen years ago)

My ex-girlfriend's brother killed the mood and postponed the loss of my virginity two years because he kept shoving condoms under her bedroom door.

― Ian Riese-Moraine is on toffuti break! (Eastern Mantra), Monday, 23 May 2005 12:07 (nineteen years ago)

Empty condoms I trust.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 23 May 2005 12:11 (nineteen years ago)

wha, inflated ones?

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 23 May 2005 12:13 (nineteen years ago)

five years pass...

un. real.

― g.cannon (gcannon), Wednesday, January 29, 2003 3:47 PM (8 years ago) Bookmark

― ENBB, Wednesday, 13 April 2011 15:10 (fourteen years ago)

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