Share your most banal conversations with the world!

I dunno, are most people not as interested in the aggressively ho-hum as I am? Am I the only one who asks new romantic partners to "tell me a boring story"?

'Wow, what else do you fry?'.

My boss: Did you have a good weekend?

Me: Yes, thanks. You?

My boss: Not bad.

Me: Do anything exciting?

My boss: No.

Me: Oh.

scratchy: yes please.

me:i made it just 4 u

scratchy: its so warm

me: isnt it though

the end.

My boss: Oh, you're cleaning it out.
Me (cleaning out fridge): Yeh.
My boss: Oh, let me move my food to one shelf.
Me (standing back): OK.
My boss (going through the fridge): Oh, look at all this old cream cheese.
Me: Yeh, it's gross.
My boss: OK, there's all my food. I just bought that yogurt today.
Me: Yeh, it looked new.

Boyfriend: Hey! Who is this in this picture, is that Manon?
Me: Yes, it is. And me and Jus.
Boyfriend: Wow.
Me: What?
Boyfriend: She looks terrible.
Me: She dyed her hair black kind of.
Boyfriend: Yeah, that's horrible.

woman: (looking at rain) oh when did that happen?
me: (at booth) oh, just a few seconds ago
her: well, i can't wait for it to stop
me: it comes and it goes, i guess
her: yes (goes back to counter)

svetlana: wow, they have stools over there by the table
jacky: yeah. i didnt know french restaurants had stools.
svetlana: yeah. its pretty cool though.
jacky: they're nice stools
phil-two:

Me: *nodding, handing over a $20 bill*

Barnes & Noble clerk: Out of twenty?

Barnes & Noble clerk: A dollar twenty-four is your change.

Me (taking my change and my book): Thanks. Good night!

Barnes & Noble clerk: Good night.

Him: Did I lock the door?
Me: Yes.
Him: Did I turn the hob off?
Me: Yes.
Him: Are you sure I locked the door?
Me: Yes.
Him: And turned the hob off?
Me: Yes.

This happens more or less every day; he is a worrier.

Failed chat-up attempt with rudimentary French at the age of 14.

coworker: is that oatmeal?
me: yup.
coworker: smells good!
me: yeah.
coworker: that'll give you some energy!
me: ...

me: did you get Jake's e-mail?
friend: what?
friend: i don't know.
friend: let me check.
me: well, i know you did, because he told me he sent it
me: it was more of a rhetorical question
friend: yeah, it's there.

me: can i have a large coffee?
her: yeah, sure.
me: thanks.
her: (standing in front of coffee maker) did you say small or large?
me: small.
me: no, wait, large.
me: yeah, large.
her: okay.

me: Are you eating something?
coworker: No.
me (mumbling): Oh, I think I smell some kind of thai food.
coworker (confused): Am I eating a muffin?
me: What? Haha a thai muffin.
coworker (in mock-serious voice): A spicy muffin.
me: Haha.

COLLEAGE: They spelled her name wrong.
ME: Oh man, that's bad.
CO: Can we just write corrections on these things?
ME: Yeah. Everyone uses Post-It Notes on them, but I don't see why.
CO: I've noticed that. When you open them up all the notes fall off.
ME: Yeah, I can't figure out the point of that.
CO: Okay.
ME: So I guess if you can use a Post-It if you think it's important.
CO: But there's not some big reason not to just write on it?
ME: Not that I know of.

COLLEAGUE: Do you want to staff this meeting?
ME: It's in town?
CO: I think it's on campus.
ME: Well, sure, then.
CO: Okay.
ME: Hooray, I get to cross the street.
CO: Well, and sit around reading all day.
ME: Do I get expenses for walking there?
CO: You could call a cab.
ME: And stop for coffee.
CO: I don't know why they think someone has to staff it.
ME: Well if it makes them happy.

ME: How have you been?
COLLEAGUE: Cold!
ME: And last week was so nice.
CO: Yeah, it just makes it worse now.
ME: ---
CO: I can't wait for spring.
ME: That's what everyone says.

ME: I have something for you to look over.
COLLEAGUE: Like, now?
ME: Well, during the next day or two.
CO: Because I have to leave in 45 minutes.
ME: Sure. It's just the letter for the Weinberger.
CO: Okay.
ME: Because we don't have actual galleys, I want to make sure this is clear.
CO: I'll look at it tomorrow morning.
ME: Great, thanks.

me:so what did the teacher tell you?
girl:Oh, she told me not to tell you guys anything?
me:was it that chain rule thing for derivatives?
girl:how do you know that? You haven't taken calc before, have you?
me:No, i haven't taken it before, but i have to know derivatives for ACE physics.

Him: Whatcha reading?
Me: Hmmmm?
Him: You reading poetry?
Me: Um, no. It's a thread on that ILE board.
Him: It looks like poetry.
Me: It's about banal conversations.
Him: Sounds dull.
Me: Surprisingly not, actually.
Him: Where's the Tuscan salad dressing?

*click*. My cellphone battery died before I could explain.

this morning... all too familiar, i'm afraid:

me: bring yer plank? skate after work.
him: um... no, my car's in the shop so i didn't bother
me: when you getting it back?
him: uh, tonight.
me: so why not bring it?
him: errr...
me: you fucking idiot.

!!!

(I spin around from serious conversation and leave office midconversation before I kill one of these morons)

Dean: There's no point, is there?
Me: No. Want a twizzler?

Different, Much Cooler Boss: So yeah, David said you could come to Boston, but only if you sit next to Aimee, cos he hates her and I told him how you bust on her.
Me: I will go to Boston.
Boss: Ed would never let you go to Boston.
Me: Fuck Ed. Fuck him. Fuck him and fuck this office. I'm going to Boston, David said so.
Boss: Haha, Ed won't let you go.
Me: He has nothing to do with it.
Boss: Don't tell me, I want you to go to Boston.
Neil: Hey, I saw your brother yesterday, in this office.
Boss: What?
Me: At Tower.
Neil: No, office.
Boss: Then that wasn't him. You got him confused with some other guy.
Neil: Oh. He's been working out though.
Boss: Yeah, but it still wasn't my brother.
Me: Whatever.

(Unfortunately this turned into an actual conversation about Pulp)

(sadly enough, I think this is the most interaction I've had w/humans today)

Me: any news?
J: I'm re-writing my diagram
Me: Again?
J: Yes
Me: What fun!
J: [raises eyebrows, types]

I plan on injecting this randomly into conversations

T.: Are you in this game?
Me: No, I'm tired.
T.: Oh.
Me: I'm pooped.
T.: [gets up to bowl]

[J comes over.]

J: So, you in this game?
Me: No, I'm pooped. Sorry.
J: OK.

[J goes over to his girlfriend, who would also be represented by J if this weren't the end of the story.]

sure jel, no prob
-- jess

jess, I never got your address
-- jel

this is my only conversation (not including the classic "20 mayfair/£3.75/thanks" which followed shortly after) since leaving work...

repeat daily

a few minutes later...
Barber: Do you want your hair washed
Me: Nah, it's okay thanks

a few minutes later
Barber: is this okay? (puts mirror behind my head)
Me: yep, that's cool, thanks

derek plays 'tune'.

dad enters room.

d: what are you doing?
me: er...listening to music
(d sits down and listens a bit)
d: this is nice
derek bailey starts to improvise
me: yes it is
d: and this is noise.

dad walks away and shuts the door.

Child: Do you want a Polo?
Woman: OK. I hate mint, but I like Polos and mint sauce.
Man: Well, so you do like mint.
Woman: I only like polos and mint sauce.
Man: They're mint.
Woman: But I don't like anything else mint.
Child: What about mince pies?

Me: What is this?
V (enunciating): "hip-HOP"
Me: Who does this song?
S & V: Joe Budden
Me: Button?
S: Bud-DEN
Me: Oh

him: hi
me: howdy
him: how are you
me: i'm ok
me: how are you?
him: pretty good
me: why's that?
him: why's what
me: er, why are you having a good day?
me: did anything cool happen?
him: not exactly
me: oh. well, that's ok.
him: so anyway what you up to?
me: not much
me: just resting
him: i see
me: i have a slight headache and i'm hoping it will pass
me: chatting with friends
me: it's kinda dull ;-)
him: it's ok
me: well i am ok with it
him: that's good
me: so, yes.
me: hello.
him: hello

And there the conversation has stalled. Who said the art of romance is dead? Where, if anywhere, will this go next?

Patron: "Where are your restrooms?"
Me: "Over there."
Patron: "Thank you."

GOTO 10
RUN

Patron: "Where are your restrooms?"
Ned: "Over there."
Patron: "Thank you."
[Patron walks towards restrooms.]
Patron (to self): "Wait a minute, was that Ned Raggett? Eeeeeeee!"
[Patron gets very excited, doesn't quite make it to restroom.]

[boss leaves then comes back]

gygax!: you got the chex mix
boss: nice and salty but not too [undecipherable]
gygax!: not too what?
boss: chippy... chip-like.
gygax!: i see.

Another one of those stories a person would wish was made up.

me: yes?

him: RAINY

me: yes?

him: I need...

me: what do you need?

him: juice

me: ok, juice coming up

him: get it out of the fridge rainy

me: yes, I will

him: rainy's getting the juice for Nicholas!

me: just for Nicholas

me: the duck bottle or the balloon bottle?

him: -

me: Nicklemouse, ducks or balloons?

him: balloons

me: ok, here we go, I'm pouring it

him: nicholas helps

me: no, no. Only rainy does it

him: only rainy does it

me: for Nicholas

him: it's for Nicklemouse!

me: yes, there you are. Now let me smell your head.

him: *leans head over*

me: mmmmmm, nice. Good boy.

Location : canteen.

Me : Hi! could I have a bacon roll please?
Kitchen Automaton Woman : on white?
Me: yes, please.
K.A.W : any margerine on it?
Me (brightly) : please! (as if I'd never thought that I might come to taste such a rare delicacy as margerine)

There's now a pause while she makes it. She can't make a sandwich and converse though, as what ever I say she ignores. I've tried 'looks like it might rain later' and 'did you have a good weekend?' to no avail. I'm thinking of trying something like : 'I've got a dead body in the boot of my car, want to see it?' or ' I like f-cking dead babies' to see what happens. Anyway she makes it and we resume :

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?
Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 50p then please.
Me : Thanks!

Henry Blofeld: I haven't seen a helicopter today. Most unusual to have a World Cup match without a helicopter.
Angus Fraser: I saw one.
Henry Blofeld: Ah good. Glad to hear we've not been helicopterless.

Mystery solved! Thanks.

wall: -----

......some topic or other.

me: voicemail's a pain

ben: at my old job i had voicemail and i just had one message where i stated "i am currently out of the office or away from my desk, please leave a message and i will return your call, alternatively email me and i will deal upon my return" and then when i went on holiday i left the message " i am away on holiday for # weeks, please contact blah blah blah blah blah blah"

me: uh (but silently screaming inside to shut the fup up)

offices !!!!!!

I realise this is so banal as to not even be remotely interesting... :)

other person: *ping*
me: *pong*
op: *ping*
m: *pong*
op: *ping*
m: *poNg*
op: *pinG*
m: *Pong*
op: *pIng*
m: *pONg*
op: *PinG*
m: *poNG*
op: *PIng*
m: *pOnG*
op: *PiNg*
m: *POnG*
op: *PINg*
m: *pONG*
op: *PiNG*
m: *PONG*
op: *pingg*
m: *pog*
op: *ingg*
m: *pogg*
op: *pnigg*
m: *pnogg*
op: *PiNGg*
m: I do love a healthy game of pnigg-pnogg
op: *giggle*
m: *pnogG*
op: *ping...G*
m: *p.ong..G*
op: P*ingg...*
m: **ponGG
op: *pin*gG
m: *pong_________________________*
op: Pin*...*gG
m: *!po*ng!
op: pNIGG *!*
m: !pog?pog?nnnn?nnnnp*ong*
op: Pig. **

R: Jim, make the bus driver let us on
me: okay, I'll try
me: *knocks on bus door*
driver: *shakes head*
me: *shrug*
me: I tried

Nickalicious: Okay.

Co-worker: I can barely keep my eyes open over here!

Nickalicious: I know what you mean.

Co-worker: Do you now?

I have no idea why I found this exchange so funny.

*she calls it truck-driver coffee cuz I make it strong as fuck

"rhyming with anal"?

that shouldn't be as funny to me as it is, but it's funny.

me: I certainly hope so

she: that comes to $64.45

me: do you take credit cards?

she: yes, we do

me: this could decline...

she: you can only try

me: yes

she: accepted!

me: oh, goody. thank you

she: you're welcome, have a nice day!

me: thank you, bye

Wife: "I'm home"
Me : "I farted"
Wife: "Nice to see you too"

me: check out this kook's compilation of simple living techniques
x: simple living seems way too complicated
me: yeah i know!

Me: How many pages did you say that was?
Her: Nine.
Me: Okay, I'll give you the fax number here. The only reason I was hesitant earlier is cuz we only have one fax machine in the building, and it's on another floor. But that's okay. I'll just keep an eye on it.
Her: Okay.
Me: So.
Her: So I'll just send that in five or ten minutes, then.
Me: Great!

Note: Americans are required to say "banal" in the British ba-NOLL way. If you're going to call something banal and use the word "banal" to do it, why not finish the job and say it all snooty? That's what words like that are for.

I'm actually very surprised that that pronunciation gets only 14% from the usage panel. I have a distinct memory of being in Guys and Dolls in high school, and my drama teacher yelling at one of the actors: "The word is ba-NOLL! Ba-NOLL! Not BAY-nal!"

classic!

Me: (recounts Dave Eggers' story about a whale)
Girlfriend: Must have been a really big whale.
Me: B-b-b-but whales are the biggest creatures there are! (points to traffic junction) A blue whale would take up ALL of this space!
Girlfriend: What about rhinos?
Me: Ha! A rhino could fit on a whale's tongue! (considers possible veracity of this statement)
Girlfriend: No, it couldn't.
Me: Yes.
Girlfriend: Then why don't whales surface and sink ships?
Me: They're…shy.
Girlfriend: They couldn't sink those aircraft carriers, those are about a mile long.
Me: (by now incredulous) No ship is a mile long! You're telling me there are ships that it would take 15-20 minutes to walk the length of?
Girlfriend: It wouldn't take you that long to walk a mile.
Me: Your perspective is fucked! Next weekend, I'm taking you to see the Blue Whale at the Natural History museum, and then we're off to find a fucking aircraft carrier!
Girlfriend: That doesn't sound like fun.
Me: (as the car starts moving) NOW, I'll drive, and tell you when we've done a mile - you imagine we are driving the length of an aircraft carrier. SO - still not a mile, still not a mile, STILL not a mile…

Ally: (picks up phone) This is Ally.
Mom: Did you tell Sharon I wasn't coming to the wedding?
Ally: No
Mom: Ok
Ally: Uh, why?
Mom: Because, Annie called Galen apparently and asked if he would walk her down the aisle. He said no and hung up on her. So then she called Sharon, all upset, etc etc, and then he called back and said he was sorry and he'd do it, and then she called back Sharon...
Ally: Can I get the short version? I'm at work.
Mom: Right, well Sharon sent me this email because she's like in seventh heaven over this, and it goes (puts on incredibly silly posh voice) "You simply MUST be there! MUST I say! With all the stars aligning at this point, it'd be a travesty of everything if you can't be here! You MUST!" (regular voice again) I mean, seriously, a travesty? Of everything?
Ally: That's the apple bong talking.
Mom: Haha, I think I need one! I'm all stressed out again! We were so happy to decide not to go! The wedding is going to be insane! Who even knows if Galen will follow through? I'm so stressed, why would it be a travesty of everything?
Ally: Dude, you are causing the apocolypse with your behavior. Are you mad? You bitch! The world will end!
Mom: Oh, add to my stress.
Ally: OH THE TRAGEDY! IT IS UP THERE WITH THE ASSASSINATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN! GOD IS CRYING AND IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU!

(at this point my coworker is staring at me because the all caps are representative of me actually shouting)

Mom: That's harsh! Why are you delighting in this?
Ally: EVERY TIME YOU DON'T SHOW UP FOR ANNIE'S FAKE WEDDING, GOD KILLS A KITTEN! OH THE TRAVESTY OF EVERYTHING!
Mom: Haha! Not kittens! Poor kittens! Spare the kittens, anything but the kittens!
Ally: You'll be punished. Instead of having drag queens for neighbors, you'll have drag kings. It'll be a disaster for you.
Mom: That'd be fantastic.
Ally: Did you hear me?
Mom: WAIT! WHAT ARE DRAG KINGS?

(we're still on the phone, I'm still trying to explain drag kings)

j3ff = howdy nick
nick = hey j3ffr3y, how ya doing?
j3ff = alright howboutcherself?
nick = kinda tired (pause looking out window) hey the sun's come out
j3ff = it comes out, it goes back in, it comes out, it goes back in
nick = (somehow manages to squash urge to say "so Spring makes you horny as fuck too, huh?")

Mom: Hey! Grown ass people don't call each other 'Delicious'!
Ally: I do.
Mom: Well, did I tell you that your father and I are ordained ministers now?
Ally: Uh, no. Delicious.

Me:  What should I fix you and Dad for dinner?
Mom:  I don't know.
Me:  ...
Mom:  Maybe sausage. Take out some sausage.
Me:  What kind?
Mom:  Not the polish sausage.
Me: [scans the fridge for sausages, finds polish sausage and chorizo]
Me: [takes out the chorizo, brings it over to Mom]
Mom:  I wanted the polish sausage!
Me:  [walking back to fridge] But I thought you said you didn't want the polish sausage!
Me:  [puts back the chorizo and brings the polish sausage to Mom]
Mom:  What are you going to make for dinner?
Me:  I don't know. Maybe I'll warm up some rice.
Mom:  Rice? When did you make rice?
Me:  Last night, to eat with the chicken.

Cut to shots of Mom cutting the sausage for her and Dad and me reaching into the fridge for the leftover saffron rice to warm up in the microwave.

I did end up making the sausage for Mom and Dad, after it had been cut in half. They ate it rolled up into corn tortillas. I added a little bit of shredded leftover chicken to my rice to make it a complete meal. I liked it.

Oh, my life is exciting. ;)

Me:ok

Me:I can't find them

Mum:root around for them, they might be under things

Me:I have them

Mum:did you find them, maybe they're not there.

Me:No I have them, they're in a plastic tub

Mum:oh yeah they're in a drum

Me:I can't open it

Mum:can you open it

Me:I think I have it

Me:there

Mum:thanks

Me:my hands are freezing now.

Mum:i'm sure they'll warm up in a minute.

K: so one night, this is like 4 or 5 years ago me and Joe and campbell and a couple of others we were out at the track having a boys night out
K: and we were simulcast betting jai alai and we all threw in like 10 bucks apiece and hit the super which paid like i dont know 8 or 9 hundred bucks for us to cut up
K: so we decide to go blow it at this really sleazy strip club we were all laughing about that we passed on the way to the track
K: so its the first night of the nba regular season, which means this would be like a friday night probably in live october or november
K: but i for some reason get it into my head to bet on whatever the late night game was the clippers and somebody equally horrible i think
K: so we're at this strip club, and most of the other guys are getting lapdances from these horrible looking skanks, i mean this was as bottom of the barrell as a strip club gets
K: so Joe who also bet on this horrible game with me, and me are sitting watching the game on this tv thats right behind the stage and the other guys are filtering in and out of the same seats, and we're sitting front row on the stage
K: and Joe makes the mistake of paying for a round of beers with a hundred that we just got from the track, so naturally all the dancers now have us marked as the tippers for the evening and every single one of them keeps dancing like right in fucking front of us so we cant see the tv
K: so, this one, this blonde, who was uglier than sin, but still probably the best looking dancer there, she comes out and plants herself like right directly in my line of sight to the game and will not get the fuck out of the way
K: so i keep pointing over to Bill whos a couple of seats over and saying "its my buddies birthday, give him the show"
K: its not Bill's birthday of course, i just want to see the fucking game, cause its in the 4th quarter and its close
K: but this bitch will not move
K: so finally after like 2 minutes of this i take out a 20 and i totally scream at her "look, ill give you the 20 if youll just get the hell out of my way so i can see the damn game"
K: and she still doenst fucking move
K: so finally, and now im ticked, and Joe thinks its the funniest thing of all time and is fucking laughing his head off at me, i just totally lose it and i mean this time i fucking scream so it can be heard over the music "look, i know youre fucking working here, but you make a much better fucking door than you do a window"
A: oh man
A: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
K: and i mean, youd think a stripper would be beyond being offended, but damn if this woman doesnt stop, in the middle of the fucking song and storm off the fucking stage
K: and id love to say thats the end of the story
A: uh oh
K: but im such a fucking pussy that i felt guilty about being a dick so after she got back out and was working the room, i went over and apoligized to her alot and explained to her that i had money on the game and gave her the 20
K: im such a damn pussy
A: I was about to say that's really sweet, but I don't know if it makes or breaks your last sentence
K: thats Joe's favorite fucking story
K: especially the ending
K: ill be hearing about the night i chased a stripper off stage and then felt guilty about it til the day i die
A: oh yeah
A: it's a great story
K: Joe naturally points out alot more than i did, that not only did i run off a stripper to watch a nba regular season game, but that i ran off a stripper to watch a regular season clippers game

Anna says:
Watch 18 films

Anna says:
I remeber one about a girl who murded her family with a pizza cutter

suzy says:
eughhh

Anna says:
It seems strangley impractical now

Anna says:
There were loads of close ups of her wheeling it about, but it does seem a bloody stupid choice of weapon

suzy says:
yes

Anna says:
Then again pizza cutters were exotica in 1980's Wolverhampton

later

Me: Actually, they are quite nice

Me : Hi! could I have a bacon roll please?
Kitchen Automaton Woman : on white?
Me: yes, please.
K.A.W : any margerine on it?
Me (brightly) : please! (as if I'd never thought that I might come to taste such a rare delicacy as margerine)

There's now a pause while she makes it. She can't make a sandwich and converse though, as what ever I say she ignores. I've tried 'looks like it might rain later' and 'did you have a good weekend?' to no avail. I'm thinking of trying something like : 'I've got a dead body in the boot of my car, want to see it?' or ' I like f-cking dead babies' to see what happens. Anyway she makes it and we resume :

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?
Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 50p then please.
Me : Thanks!**

TODAY@S UPDATE- a VERY exciting variation!

Me : Hi! could I have a bacon roll please?
Kitchen Automaton Woman (tetchily): I'll be with you in a minute. (flaps at something under counter)
Me: Is everything alright?
K.A.W (ignoring this): on white? I always forget.
Me : Oh, (slight pause, while I ponder whether to just for one day switch to a healthier alternative, then brightly) white please!
K.A.W : any spread on it?

"Spread" - she said "Spread" today, not "Margerine". What the fuck has got into her? "SPREAD!"

Me : Yes, please.

Now the pause while she makes it. Oh, the high old times we've had together while she assembles the delicacy! What haven't we discussed, she and I? What conversational waters are left uncharted for us to explore together?

Me: Is Pauline (her kitchen colleague) still on holiday?
K.A.W : Yes.

She turns, roll in hand.

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?

Oh would you? Oh could you? My God, it's tempting to prolong our time together by just a few brief seconds while you decant sweet ketchup onto the lovingly prepared roll. But I must deny myself this, tearing myself away from our fragrant intimacy and back to the cruel world of work.

Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 50p then please.
Me : Thanks!**

did you miss the ketchup bit! outrageous!

Hunky male with bedhead,highlighted hairstyle "Tuna"... "It's my extra protein"

Me "Oh"
(million questions why...?)

Girl = here's the first pair, wow those look good on you
Me = yeah, sure they do
Girl = really! they're the same color as your eyes
Me = oh, right
Girl = wow this pair looks kinda cool too, they're kinda...
Me = please don't say 'emo'
Girl = actually I was gonna say 'retro'
Me = oh cool
Girl = what happened to your face?
Me = long story
(awkward pause)
Me = um, okay thanks
Girl = bye, enjoy your new glasses!

Me: Belly buttons are odd things.
Me: I always have this strange desire to see if I can untie them.
Me: But mine's all deep and I can't reach it.
Me: The little hampster has one, but it's tiny and gets lost in his furry belly.
Other Person: Haha.
Other Person: I never even considered to think that hampsters might have one.
Me: Nor had I, until I felt his. It made me laugh.
Me: Though at first I thought it was a little scab.
Me: Well, I guess that it is, in some ways.
Me: But more scar tissue than a scab.
Me: But is it scar tissue?

I think for a bit.

Other person: ... probably scar tissue?
Me: I guess so, based on the texture and appearance.
Me: But I really don't know.
Other Person: I've never really stopped to consider it.
Me: Ah. You need to spend more time in my presence. I think of stuff like that all of the time.

Long pause.

Other Person: Haha.

Her: We should fix that light. It keeps making that buzzing sound
Me (eating): Yeah.
Her: Maybe my stepdad will fix it when he comes over.
Me: Maybe, yeah.
Her: Actually, he'd be too tired
Me: *eats*
Her: Do you hear it?
Me: No.

[ring ring, ring ring, ring ring]
Phone voice: You have reached the Orange voicemail service for 07*** *** ***. Please leave a message after the tone.
[beep]
Me: Oh bloody hell Paul. Are you actually alive any more? It's Anna by the way, call me back.

Rick: What is the most famous "Dexy's Midnight Runners" song?
Me: "Come on Eileen."
R: Have I heard it?
Me: Yes.
Jessica: You've heard it.
R: I don't think I've heard it.
Phil: You've definitely heard it.
R: Do they have any other famous songs?
Me: No.

Me: Hey Andy, did you see the cookies?
Andrew: Yeah.
Me: Did you try one?
Andrew: Uh-huh.
Me: Good aren't they!
Andrew: Yup.

The end. -slap-

Jim: You know what you were saying about getting one extra day off between christmas and new year's?
Me: Yeah.
Jim: Well, that's not true, we get either the day before or the day after Christmas off.
Me: Well that's not what it says in the employee handbook.
Jim: But that's what we've always done.
Me: Okay, but that's not what it says in the employee handbook.
Jim: But that's what we've always done.
Me: Jim, I don't give a shit about it either way, I'm just saying that the employee handbook says we get to pick a day between christmas and new year's to have off. If this isn't reality, then someone needs to change the handbook.
Jim: Okay.
Me: Okay.

M: He said he couldn't wait until I came!
JA: Cool.
(pause)
JA: Oh wait, do you mean while you two were in the hotel room? Or when he called you on the phone beforehand?
M: On the phone.
JA: Oh, haha, okay...

pal: isn't that someone's daughter?
me: yeah, jasper carrot's
pal: no way!
me: really, freakin' jasper carrot

xpost My manhood does not respond to questioning. I've tried many times to no avail.

(x-post)

totally unrelated. but i once tried to walk backwards from here for 10 minutes but i failed
http://www.cs.tufts.edu/~zblocker/britpics/home.gif

B: anyway, you should go to the [queer] prom by yrself!
me: they do have a bar!
me: and i haven't felt all that suicidal lately
B: yes, and you will have a better chance of picking up some tail if you are drinking alone!
me: do i want tail?
B: tell me all the juicy deets l8r
B: whatever
B: I don't know what tail is
me: tail = ass
B: oh, well, ass is nice, yes.

**Every work day at around 10.00 am
Location : canteen.
Me : Hi! could I have a bacon roll please?
Kitchen Automaton Woman : on white?
Me: yes, please.
K.A.W : any margerine on it?
Me (brightly) : please! (as if I'd never thought that I might come to taste such a rare delicacy as margerine)

There's now a pause while she makes it. She can't make a sandwich and converse though, as what ever I say she ignores. I've tried 'looks like it might rain later' and 'did you have a good weekend?' to no avail. I'm thinking of trying something like : 'I've got a dead body in the boot of my car, want to see it?' or ' I like f-cking dead babies' to see what happens. Anyway she makes it and we resume :

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?
Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 50p then please.
Me : Thanks!**

TODAY@S UPDATE- a VERY exciting variation!

Me : Hi! could I have a bacon roll please?
Kitchen Automaton Woman (tetchily): I'll be with you in a minute. (flaps at something under counter)
Me: Is everything alright?
K.A.W (ignoring this): on white? I always forget.
Me : Oh, (slight pause, while I ponder whether to just for one day switch to a healthier alternative, then brightly) white please!
K.A.W : any spread on it?

"Spread" - she said "Spread" today, not "Margerine". What the fuck has got into her? "SPREAD!"

Me : Yes, please.

Now the pause while she makes it. Oh, the high old times we've had together while she assembles the delicacy! What haven't we discussed, she and I? What conversational waters are left uncharted for us to explore together?

Me: Is Pauline (her kitchen colleague) still on holiday?
K.A.W : Yes.

She turns, roll in hand.

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?

Oh would you? Oh could you? My God, it's tempting to prolong our time together by just a few brief seconds while you decant sweet ketchup onto the lovingly prepared roll. But I must deny myself this, tearing myself away from our fragrant intimacy and back to the cruel world of work.

Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 50p then please.
Me : Thanks!**

THIS IS THE NEW NEWS! TODAY'S (AUGUST 17th 2006) EXCHANGE COMING UP :

Me : Hi! could I have a bacon roll please?
Kitchen Automaton Woman : on white?
Me: yes, please.
K.A.W : any margerine on it?
Me :please!
K.A.W : To take away?

(earth stops spinning, bolts of lightning flash, the heavens rip asunder, God's trump doth sound!) "TO TAKE AWAY?"

Did she really say that? To take away? I pause, reeling, as I consider what this might mean. To take away? Can I really TAKE THE BACON ROLL AWAY WITH ME? Take it away and frolic with it somewhere else? Enjoy the lushness of the margerine, the exotic piquancy of the bread and the sexy smokiness of the bacon AWAY FROM HERE?

Me (weakly) : erm, yes. To....take away.
K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?
Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 50p then please.
Me : Thanks!**

There are slight variations from time to time. She once asked me why I had a black eye.

business man 1: when ties started getting wider i just couldn't get used to it, they looked so wide - and now that they're getting narrower I can't get used to it because...

business man 1 & 2 in unison: they look so narrow!

business man 2: i know!

business man 1 & 2 in unison: (uproarious laughter)

Me: I be Jeffrey Jones thanks god every day for David Milch.
Wife: Yeah, really.
Me: Cause of that child p0rn business.
Wife: Right, right.

See how good she is to me? She knows that I crave the taste of that fragrant membrane of polyunsaturates betwixt luscious bacon and fresh, crumbly bread. Our daily tryst is made all the sweeter for the loving, kindly way that she dips the knife into the Flora and carefully draws it across the surface of the baguette, leaving a perfect tracery across its inner grain.

Silence)

Me : Still raining...
K.A.W : Is it?

See? SEE? She cares not of the outside world and its misfortunes! She only has eyes for me! All that matters is that the bacon roll is made perfectly for ME, just me. How lucky I am.

Me : Is Pauline in today?
K.A.W (slightly tetchy): what?
Me : I just wondered if you were on your own, or if Pauline was here today?
K.A.W : Oh? No, she's not.

She's on her own! Tell her now, damn you! Tell her now how much these moments mean to you. Tell her how how you can't live without her. Tell her how you wake in the night screaming her name!

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me: I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?
Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 60p then please.
Me : Thanks!

for some odd reaon I find this very lewd

Me: All right, yeah, I'll get a dozen donuts. Um, let me get three Boston cream pie --

Dunkin Donutier: We're out of those.

Me: Oh, all right. Make it three vanilla kreme --

Dunkin Donutier: We're out of those.

Me: Hang on, I'm going to come in.

[The donut racks are nearly bare.]

Me: I'll get ... uh. Is that a chocolate?

Dunkin Donutier: That's a muffin.

Me: No, the other one.

Dunkin Donutier: That's a chocolate muffin.

Me: I see cake donuts, and glazed crullers. Do you have anything else left?

Dunkin Donutier: Nope, we've got a couple muffins, and we've got some French toast something-or-others which you'll forget the name of when you transcribe this in a couple months.

Me: It's six-thirty! All you've got left is cake donuts? You close at nine, what're you going to have left at eight-thirty?

Dunkin Donutier: Thirty minutes.

Colleague: I don't like butter or margarine

Me: So what do you want on your toast?

Colleague: Is there any dairylea?

Me: No

Colleague: Just make me blank toast

I have not been making a proper note of my banal conversations lately :(

Driving around Merrimack NH looking for some place open for lunch amidst ice storm closings:

Me: Well, there's a Hooters. I guess we could go to Hooters.

My little brother: Yeah, we'll come back here if there's nothing else.

Me: I never got around to going to Hooters. I knew a chick who worked there in New Orleans. Hell, I never got around to going to a strip club and I used to live across the street from one.

MLB: It's not fucking worth it. Last time I went to one I paid eleven dollars to get in and seven dollars for a beer, and she still wouldn't take her top off unless I paid her too? Fuck that. In New Hampshire, they wear pasties. Fuck that. Fuck THAT.

Me: Yeah, I should've gone when I was in New Orleans, if I was gonna go. Kathy would've been up for it.

[couple beats of silence; the Italian joint and the other Italian joint and the Hungarian joint are all closed]

MLB: When I was drag racing, I paid this call girl to come over to a party and fuck herself with dildos for a while.

Me: That's it? Why?

MLB: I don't know, it was something to do. Hey, you wanna get Vietnamese?

Me: Yeah I wanna get Vietnamese.

MLB: Awesome!

[the Vietnamese joint has gone out of business; "Z coming soon," whatever Z is; the other other Italian joint is closed]

Me: That had to be expensive, the chick.

MLB: Uh huh. So not worth it. Don't even bother. She had this thing that stuck to the floor with suction cups though, and she fucked that for a long time. Like to keep it stable. How about here, you want some mozzarella sticks?

Me: Yeah I want mozzarella sticks. Oh look, they have grapenut pudding!

MLB: Fuckin' A.

Ooh when did the price go up? I bet the conversation reached new heights of complexity on THAT day...

I approach the canteen. Maybe today I can tell her how much she means to me. I walk in with determination - I can do this thing, I can make her love me like I love her.

Me : Hello!
K.A.W. How may I help you?

WHAT? What did she say? What the fuck? "How may I help you?". She's never said that before. I reel back from the counter, a million thoughts exploding in my head. That's how people in service industries speak when they've been on a course. Has she been on a course? She can't have though - how can she have been on a course since yesterday? Then it hits me. The man who was sitting in the corner yesterday when I came in, the man in a cheap suit, drinking coffee and leafing through a ring binder. He must have been from the head office of the caterers - he must have been here to provide TRAINING for her. That's the only explanation I can think of. But what's he done to her? He's changed our meetings from a the airy, flirtacious talk of lovers into a functional discourse that could happen in any cafe anywhere. "HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"

Then anger descends. SHE LET HIM TRAIN HER. She let him! What ELSE did they do? And for how long? And where did they do it? This is how she treats me, the duplicitous COW! I won't have it, I won't let this happen. Two can play at this game - just watch this!

Me (sullenly): A Sausage roll please.

Ha! Take that, you WHORE! No more bacon for me - I don't need it. I don't WANT it any more. I'm so fucking over this already.

K.A.W : Spread?

Oh the SPREAD'S still on offer, is it? Maybe I'll do without your fucking spread, lady.

Me (hesitantly): er....yes, please.
K.A.W. Shall I cut the sausage in half lengthways? It fits in the roll a bit better like that?

The world slowly stops turning. OH MY GOD! She still cares about me! And what a FOOL I've been. She still wants only to please me, to feed me lovingly prepared sweetbreads with her fair hands, and I doubted her. My shame is complete. Tears begin to form - fat, salty tears of self-loathing. I don't deserve her. I never did and I never will. How much I hate myself now!

Me : (choking with shame) : Yes please.
K.A.W : It's a change from bacon.
Me : (nearly weeping). Yes, yes, it is.

Silence. I am disgusted - no man should behave as I have here today. I must never come back to this place again, which means that I will never see her again. I shall never gaze upon that sweet, innocent face again, but it's better that way. Better for both of us.

K.A.W : Sauce?
Me (openly sobbing): I've got some from over there, thanks.
K.A.W : Would you like me to put it on for you?

I'll never hear those words again.

Me : No, ta.
K.A.W : That's 60p then please.
Me : Thanks

I run from the canteen, my life over.

Martin Fry said it better than I ever could. I'm broken, Trish, totally broken now.

A. Yes. Yes it is.

(okay, I was being silly, but not sarcastic)

Poncey bastards. They've got us over a barrel so they have.

The 'head chef' is on call to the owner of the building - catered for his daughters wedding he did. Still doesn't make a roll & bacon and tottie scone £1.50 though.

Get us some old school greasy meals, not £1.50 breakfast rolls and filo pastry tart and thai ginger noodle lunches.

I demand Chuck Wagons and toasties!!!

You must go back, Dr. C. Be a man.

Customer: So if I win Powerball tonight, the store gets ten percent, right?
Me: Do we? Cool, I don't know.
Customer: Yeah, it's like ten percent.
Me: Well, good luck.
Customer: How bout you split that with me?
Me: You want to give us half if you win?
Customer: No, split the ten percent with me, all right?
Me: The ten percent of what we get if you win?
Customer: Five percent of two hundred million dollars is still a lot, buddy.

#

Customer: Oh my God what's on your HAND, is that a FIVE?
Me: Yeah, what, this one? Yeah, that's a tattoo.
Customer: Did you do that yourSELF?
Me: No, no, I ... you know ... paid a guy.
Customer: Can I get some Capri Sun Ultra Light 120s in a pink box?
Me: Yeah, some -- ahaha. Um. Yeah, sorry, here are your Capri 120s.
Customer: That is SO COOL.
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Customer: My name's Crystal.
Me: Hi Crystal, I'm Bill.
Customer: OH MY GOD LIKE A FIVE DOLLAR BILL.

Me: Good morning.
Customer: Do you have Clorox and Powerbars?
Me: Far left and far right.

*I do some manager stuff while the cashier does some cashier stuff*

Customer, after a few minutes: Which is which?
Me: Clorox is on the left by the detergent, Powerbars are on the right past the Pringles.
Customer: Do you watch Fox News?
Me: I -- no, not really, no.
Customer: I thought of it because you said far left and far right.
Me: Oh okay, yeah.

*another break as everyone does stuff*

Customer, paying for her stuff: It's on at eight o'clock tonight, Fox News is talking about Hezbollah in America. You should watch.
Me: I might check it out.
Customer: You never know, you know. We've all got our heads in the sand.
Me: Yeah, that'll happen.
Customer: You can't trust somebody just because they're charming. They could be a vicious killer. No offense.
Me: Well sure. ... wait. Thanks? Okay, you have a nice day.
Customer (over shoulder): Eight o'clock!

Though I'm tempted to tell people that all the ink similarly suggests my name, and see what they come up with. I'm not sure anyone would try but Crystal and the other tipsy young ladies of the greater Broad Street area.

Me: yes

Him: so you talk about everything.

Me: It's called I Love Everything.

On the phone:

Dude at desk: Ellicott Fitness Centre
Me: Hi, how late are you open tonight?
Dude: We're open till 10 tonight.
Me: Thanks.
Dude: Yep.

Customer n: Hey man, do you know all these beers?
Me: Nah, I've only tried like half of them, and none of that Mike's Hard Bullshit stuff.
Customer n: Yeah man, what one of these beers is best?
Me: The Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA.
Customer n: That's a good beer, huh.
Me: I fucking love that beer. Middle door top shelf on the right.

Like, that conversation I have four times a weekend without fail, minus the "fucking" if there are kids or seniors on the floor.

Mom: What do you want to have for lunch?
Me: I don't know. What do YOU want to have for lunch?
Mom: Oh no, here we go again -- what do YOU want to have for lunch?
Me: I don't know -- a lot of things, I guess.
Mom: Like... ?
Me: All kinds of stuff, really. What do YOU feel like eating?
Mom: Anything. Food. So?
Me: Um, I'd go for either [one casual eatery] or [another casual eatery].
Mom: Okay, I think we should go for [another casual eatery].
Me: Okay, sounds good.

I have had this conversation more times than I care to count.

Co-worker: hey Trace, how was your weekend?
Me: yeah not bad, did nothing, relaxed.

(lather rinse repeat)

Her : I always get a taxi from over there.
Me : You mean you got one from there once:
Her : No I always do.
Me: I can't see any
Her: Sometimes you have to wait.....oh, here's one!
Me: Oh yes.

This Morning

Her : I wonder what Dr. Johnson would write in a blog?
Me (not listening) : I dunno
Her : "Went out with Boswell, had chops and ale" maybe?
Me : (vaguely tuned-in, but still not listening really): Yes, chops and ale sounds good.

Mary (neighbour) : Hey! Thanks for feeding the cat at the weekend.
Me : No problem, anytime, Mary. Well it was [Mrs. Dr. C] actually.
M : Right. Say thanks then.
Me: I will.
M : Great! *Sooty's fine anyway. (*Sooty = the cat)
Me: Good! We just put some food down for her and checked that she was OK and....stuff
M : That's good. Thanks again.