"I Love You"

However, it is very easy to tell someone that you "wuv" them. I'd like to think of that as a "mini" ILY that you can laugh over rather than stress that you once more, have said the wrong thing. I know I would regret saying it if I didn't mean it, and also if it wasn't mutual.

I believe two people, romantically speaking, have told me they loved me. I never said it back. COS THEY MINGED hahahahahahahhahhaha. Oh, I am a bitch.

I say it a lot, probably too much and periodically decide to say it less so that it's really special, but it never seems to work. It's probably for the best actually because if I did say it less I'd end up being one of those people off the soaps who says "Course I love you, I married you didn't I?" etc.

Excuse me, I need to go tell my mommy that I love her.

For being willing to share a detail that most of us would never be brave enough to own up to, Sarah is My New Icon.

I hope.

Either that or I'm secretly RuPaul.

Excuse me, I have to go have a hysterical fit in the corner...

Fave moment in entire series -- first season, they're all singing happy birthday to Edina, they hold out the cake with candles, she smiles and laughs -- AND BLOWS IT ALL TO HELL WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER. Pure, distilled, anti-sentimental loathing and contempt -- oh god I love it, I love it.

When is the best time to say it to someone you are dating? I have a habit of jumping the gun and saying it too soon, and at the moment I am dating someone I, er, like very much. But it's only been a month. When's the proper time, given nominal circumstances, to say this? And is it better to say if first or wait for the other person? (Answering "say it when it's the right time" will not be accepted since knowing the right time is damned tricky!)

(Is this the sort of thread that Ronan was talking about not liking? Probably.)

I like how you're the only one who helps me with these boring personal problems Sarah. I love you!

Um, not all that long (max maybe a year or so... pretty much same as me). I think we're at that "we really like each other a lot but are scared by how much we like each other" phase. I guess in the past I tend to blurt it out cuz I'm more inclined for the fast/intense route than the slow burn. So perhaps waiting a bit longer is a good idea.

(I'm cooking her dinner tonight btw)

I also like to hug people. Even those that I don't love.

I'm done. I've been done. I was done. I should know better.

It's hard to define if and when you are in love; what proves for certain that it's not lust or liking or whatever? I think love--as most feelings--has more than one level. That said. 'love' should probably be used when you're fairly certain you feel that way because of the presumed seriousness of it. I've said it to a few boyfriends, but felt it fully only once.

the word has too many stupid connotations when used in relationships. i only use it on my friends and whanau.

Assuming we mean not to include like my mom and my son and shit, uh...a couple few times, howboutthat?

How many people have you meant it to?:

Every single one of 'em.

How often do you say it? Too often? Too little?:

Too often to some people who weren't comfortable with hearing it that often. Not often enough with the people who wanted to hear more of it.

Regrets over saying it or not saying it?:

SHIT YEAH.

Every done an Arab Strap and faked saying it?:

No, but when I was a teenager and got the tummy-butterflies too strong to get it out, I hinted around it like "Ah lrrrurrrvya" under my breath and shit. God I was* such a dipshit.

*ha ha yeah was *wink*

a mixture of childhood stuff and relationship stuff. complicated.

a mixture of childhood stuff and relationship stuff. complicated.

That sucks. I'm all for giving everyone the second childhood that they deserve. And non-crappy relationships, too.

I have an old friend who never says it, first, claiming that it gives her sort of power over her lover(s) because they're waiting for her to say it back. And somehow that extends over the relationship.

I just don't get this.

(x-post - thank you Francis. I do hope that you're feeling better soon.)

it is not something i would consider telling someone now,(relationship-wise ) without having spent some time thinking about what im doing. it is all too easy to rush this stuff when you are in the first 'blush of a new romance'.

Yeah, if you say it first and the other person doesn't feel it, then it introduces HUGE pressure which the relationship may not survive (BUT maybe it's not going to survive anyway). I *think* whenever I've said it it's been obviously and happily reciprocated, ditto when it's been said to me.

I really feel for Jim. I hope you can sort that out, cos that's not good at all.

Unfortunately we both know that nothing will develop further between us because of multiple clashes/problems with life styles etc. "Love knows no boundaries" my arse

I think I've only said "I love you" once to a boyfriend, and it provided for an embarrassing memory anyway. I put a note in a book my high school bf lent me that said "I love you", written rather large. I gave the book back to him in class and the note fell on the floor, naturally face up, where it was unnoticed by me or him until it was clear that several others had seen it. The girl behind him was thankfully subtle in telling him he'd dropped something. He said it back later, though.

It wasn't really love, it was that whole teenage-delusion sort of thing.

I exchange I love you's with my sister and a couple of close friends. And my mom, too, but it's all sillified with her.

I've said it to one person, with whom I spent 23 years, and I said it countless thousands of times to ger, as she did to me. Today, after our final court hearing deciding the financial settlement, she didn't even speak back to me when I said goodbye. That sounds as if I'm brokenhearted, but actually that goodbye was a good moment, something I'd describe as closure if I didn't regard people who use the term with great suspicion.

Sorry. Probably caustic and not funny, but it's what came to mind. Does the Aleut (spelling?) culture(s) have hundreds of words for snow? Or is that native Icelandic?

I'd like to build the world a home and furnish it with love.
Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves.

I can say it with ease---most of the time.

Yes, but it's *ice* that they have so many words for, with each word describing a type of ice. Navaho has a similar language structure in that it is impossible to separate the concept of "horse" from the motion of the horse being described. In both cultures, the word in question is central to their survival, hence the elaboration. Here's something I used to do as a class discussion in sociology:

In US culture, count the number of words for money: cash, green, bucks, dead presidents etc etc

Count the number of words for sex: f*king, humping, knocking boots, etc etc

Now, count the *exact meaning* words for Love. (no fondess, like, etc don't count, the are different concepts)

money : love :: dough : need :: cash : lust

But seriously, I'm not quite sure what you are saying.

My point was that the things that are the most culturally important to our survival have more linguistic elaboration.

Money is the one thing you *have* to have to function in capitalist society. Sex is an important human need. We don't seem to see much actual *use* for Love, though we do give it a lot of lip service. The ancient Greeks identified two types of love: Eros and Agape, at least they came up with *two* words--we only have one. What does that mean culturally? I'm not sure, except that when it comes down to it, now and maybe then, sex and money are more part of everyday life and survival than love is, despite the cultural lip service we give it (which makes me think of Marx's superstructure/epi-phenomonema).

To follow up on your example, roads are pretty important in the US, given all the words we have for them: lanes, boulevards, streets, avenues, interstates, highways, freeways, toll roads etc. versus how many words do we have for different types of railroads or canals (which *were* very impt at one time in our history).

The point is that when we see a specialization of words, it tells us that the concept in question is important to the people in that culture's survival.

elaboration of types of law is endless--
, federal law, state law, constitutional law, criminal law, family law, civil law, municipal law,

air isn't something we have to pay attn to in everyday life. but when we do, as in space and diving, the definitions become more precise

more to the point i think is that love as an emotion is so valorized as a particular individual eternal intangible between two particular individuals that the very NOTION of different types of "love" runs counter to deeply embedded romantic beliefs. The normative love is romantic love and then you have "i love him like a brother" or etc. to DISTINGUISH. Nobody ever says "i love him like a husband"!

on the other hand, Italio Calvino's "Difficult Loves"

Hard to convey.

im still ' in love' but it isnt that flirtatious thing, its a very long-standing thing and even though years have passed and there have been times of my not feeling like im 'in love', the sense keeps returning.

must be Real Love.
?

different from the love i have for my son, and i realise now that it is not going to go away, as that 'romantic type first blush of love' does.

1. Once-vital feelings under repression = once-vital creatures fossilised and trapped underground and turned into oil.

2. Sex act = pumping action.

3. Orgasm = geyser of oil.

4. 'I love you!' = internal combustion.

5. Now the engine is running, where are we going?

6. Now we're 'expressing', what are we repressing? Because the expression of the future depends on what we repress now.

krusty the klown : 'sure kid get in line'
( shot of huge queue of kids getting faux
autographs from bart simpson, krusty's new p.a.)

bart (whining and scribbling 'KRUSTY' onto said clown's photo) : 'uuuuunnnnnhhhhhh'

little pig-tailed girl (awestruck) 'i love you krusty'

krusty (hastily, while pointing back to the queue) 'over there !'

says it all.

Resurrection in lieu of starting another one similar:

First time you said it to current or any previous partners (or anyone else for that matter): where? when? how? why?

said it to 3 people

meant it to 2

high school, what can you do

I think I held off for a while (comparatively) with Ally, but i was off of like 1.5+ years of celibacy since getting burned bad as "the other man" in a really poorly judged relationship with a colleague (is that kosher, to call fellow USAF enlisted personnel "colleagues", I dunno) so I was being a dork.

and I should say in the case where I said it and didn't mean it that was sort of the youthful misunderstanding when you have no post-pubescent baseline to refer anything to. It wasn't love, but the fuck if I knew that at the time.

I have also said it to lots of other people when inebriated. Or depressed. Also I tell my parents I love them. None of that counts.

I have said it to a total of four girls and meant it with three of them.

1. In a letter to a close friend's girlfriend after a holiday with his family in which she told me she had had more than platonic feelings for me.

2. To first real girlfriend. Sort of mumbled it - not because I didn't want to say it, exactly the opposite, I really wanted to tell her but wasn't sure if it was too soon and if she might freak out. She didn't say anything anyway. broke up the next day.

3. Conned into saying it by the American. she was lovely but it was 6am, i was barely awake and she had her hand in, ahem, intimate places when she said it to me. rude not to say "I love you too" eh? when i woke up properly I wasn't sure if I had said it or if was a dream. said it many times to her after that but probably didn't mean it although was nice to pretend to myself that I did.

4. Last Friday to girl that ended our relationship a while back before it even got started. Waaaaaaaaaaay too drunk to begin expressing my deepest emotions. but i did. big success umm not so much.

there. i have shared. clearly me and those three words are not so compatible and should avoid each other at all costs.

eh you just seem to have completely utterly HORRENDOUS timing

perhaps learning to take the initiative yourself once in a while instead of being goaded into it or waiting until it no longer matters would help

this goes with a lot of self-expression

also don't be a liar, 100% bite you in the ass unless you're only into other liars

chin up etc

See I sort of don't think I realised I was lyng at the time. That remains the longest and most successful relationship I've had. it's only with benefit of hindsight, realising how easy it was to get over her and how badly I've dealt with "4" by comparison that i can see the lie at all. So I don't feel too guilty about that one.

and I think my biggest problem is a tendency to fall in love with lost causes. probably some psychological subconscious analytical explanation for that but I'd rather not find it.

and my chin is up, mainly thanks to "4" still communicating with me, but thanks for the support.

but yes. timing also not my strong suit.

i don't think i've ever said it in the 'three little words' context. it's scary. also, even when i was pretty sure it was true there's always that inkling that you're just fooling yourself, so i never said it. that was only once though. twice, i've been told by dudes that they loved me when i was pretty sure they didn't mean it, which may also be why i've never said it (one of these i'm still not sure about, another later admitted when i called him on it that he didn't remember saying it (even though it happened more than once, hrmm, but i think it was usually during drunk times so i kind of brushed it off anyway but come on ppl, don't drop bombs like that when you're too knackered to even remember!). i don't think of myself as emotionally stunted at all, maybe just stingy when it comes to something that profound. i don't take it lightly, so i won't just spit it out if i think the situation might call for it.

ive said it to one girl, and meant it--and it was a pretty big deal for the two of us, as emotionally stunted/insecure/immature as we were (and are)... the last time i said it was when i was trying to convince her to stay on the west coast and not go back to rhode island after i had fucked up in a big way. i meant it so sincerely, but it didnt go over very well.

"I have also said it to lots of other people when inebriated."

yeah i said it to a hick in some bar just last night but only because he said it to me first.

when sober, never.

and I think my biggest problem is a tendency to fall in love with lost causes. probably some psychological subconscious analytical explanation for that but I'd rather not find it.

I've heard this SO OFTEN wtf

statistically you've just been in a few bad relationships. when you get to like 10 or 12 of these cases, talk to a therapist, seriously though, numbers don't add up for most folks who start thinking this way, that's just life. shit don't just work out right.

(mathematically it's funny, the kind of thinking that there's plenty of fish in the sea, vs. the kind of fish in the sea that get along with you - as we approach 7 billion people on earth, the more we assume that we should be even remotely picky about who we want to love and be with, the more astronomically difficult the odds become)

I've said it and meant it to four people:

high school boyfriend
college boyfriend
friend with really bad timing
husband

I mean 7 billion - 50/50 f/m - start breaking it down into categories, attractive to you, not really, dave matthews fans, radiohead fans, kenny chesney fans, people that speak your language, people you'd ever think about introducing to your family, people you'd want to maybe have kids with one day - when there were 1-2 billion, this was all actually easier! now there's so MANY "fish in the sea" we wind up paralyzed, unable to procreate whatsoever, because THEY ALL SUCK

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0060005696.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

peace out

I went through this period in high school where I was all about looove, maaaaaan. I was telling all my friends I loved them, and I'd get a little secret thrill when I got to say it to one of the girls I was interested in.

Finally understood what it meant when I had/lost my first girlfriend. Since then I've said it to two very close, platonic friends and my current girlfriend of 3 years.

when you said this to close, platonic friends did you mean you loved them in an 'in love with you' sort of way? cause that's ballsy to say to friends! if you mean it in the way that you love your close, platonic friends, well, i don't think that counts, cause that's the same way you'd say it to your family or whatever.

x-post I wish I was more easily satisfied. Would really like it if contentment with being with a girl was enough for me but the longer I've been single the more I've realised that i have to love a girl, or think that it's at least possible, to be with them at all. an aside though.

let's not get bogged down in my neuroses - more interested in the minutiae of those three little words.

and yes, I agree; this is about saying "I love you" in an "I'm in love with you" way not an "I fuuuurkin' lovesh you" drunk or "You're such a great friend I love you" way.

xpost - Yeah, that's what I was wondering too. The four I mentioned about were all romantic type ILYs.

"You're such a great friend I love you"

I know I wrote that but i can't help hearing it a bouncy Californian accent. Which is odd being English an' all.

Which is an irrelevance. are people more inclined to say it when they don't or not say it when they do?

mean it, that is.

when you said this to close, platonic friends did you mean you loved them in an 'in love with you' sort of way?

Not in an 'I am physically attracted to you' way, but it definitely carried a sense of "I have a deep connection with you that I share with almost no one else on earth." That connection does extend to physical affection, though not sexual. I have neither the desire nor the inclination to bed these friends, but I have the same depth of emotion for them that I do for my girlfriend.

Does that fall into the same category as the above?

I've said it to three people and meant it with two.

With the other one, we'd been dating about two months and were having some ridiculous argument about her intense hatred of the film director Elia Kazan (which was really an argument about her being intractable about certain things), and I tried to smooth things out by saying "But I love you." Which I realized as soon as it came out of my mouth that I didn't actually mean, and she knew I didn't mean it, and so it was just kind of awkward and neither of us really mentioned it for a while. We continued dating for another two or three months and broke up under amicable terms.

I kind of jumped the gun with my current girlfriend and said it before either of us was really ready to say it, just because I so badly wanted it to be true. It was a similar case of us not really talking about it for a little while, but a few weeks later it started to feel right, and we've used it pretty freely since.

In both of those cases I described, I think I just really wanted to be in a relationship like the one I had with the first girl I loved and said "I love you" to. I figured that by saying it, I could make it so.

Yeah, I think we all spend a bit of our lives chasing after the ghost of the first one we loved. Or at least I like to think so, because it gives me an excuse to wallow in soul-melting stuff like Nina Simone's "I Get Along Without You Very Well."

I don't know Nina's version of that song, but Chet Baker's slays me.

this thread is fun to read =)

Ive said I love you and meant it in a connected, caring way to friends (male friends, whats more) a few times. Hell, I said it to one just the other night. He's been there for me for so many years and I was very drunk and I was all "I love you man, I really do" on msn and he was all "me too" and awwwes. But thats not whats meant here I guess is it.

Well, no. But still very nice and worth recounting.

I think I just really wanted to be in a relationship like the one I had with the first girl I loved and said "I love you" to. I figured that by saying it, I could make it so

The experience with the above-mentioned American was pretty much like that. And I think that you're not trying to deceive anybody is partly what stops it being a lie.

i've also said this to three people and meant it with two. (see: "high school, what can you do")

the first time i said it to my current girl, we were blind drunk in the back of a club. as she was still in a heavy-duty relationship at the time, i don't really know what i was thinking, but because she's since left him for me, i can only deduce that it must mean that women find men who need to get spitting drunk in order to fully express themselves completely and utterly irresistible.

(and for the record the first thing i did the next morning was call her up and tell her i meant it so that she wouldn't chalk it up to drunken shit-talking.)

haha one time a girl said this to me after sex and i didn't know what to do so i PRETENDED TO BE ASLEEP

another time a girl whispered something to me in bed that sounded a LOT like "i love you" but since i wasn't sure if i loved her back and i wasn't even sure if that was what she said, i had no idea how to respond. i remember totally freezing up and doing all the mental calculations on the spot, viz ->

1. if i ask her to repeat herself and that WAS what she said then i'm stuck in that horrible moment of truth where i might realize i have nothing to say back

2. if i pretend i didn't hear her then i'm that asshole who pretends he doesn't hear you when you say "i love you"

3. if i say "i love you" back and it turns out she said "my feet are cold" then i might as well roll out of bed and get my coat

my solution: I PRETENDED TO BE ASLEEP

surely the ONLY solution there.

anyone that says "I love you" before, after or during sex is being egregiously unfair.

I once said it after make-up sex because I was just so relieved we weren't fighting any more. I strongly WANTED to mean it, and I thought that if I said it maybe it would become true...

This thread provides several shining examples of why ilx is a poorer place sans Tombot.

A quite amazing girl said this to me the other day. She was pretty battered and didn't mean it, but it was still very nice to hear.

is he not here anymore? didn't realize that :/

Said it a bunch of times, meant it too.

said it and meant it and felt that electricity and lurch in the stomach and zoom in the head once and i doubt it will happen again but, fuck me, i wish it would more than (almost) anything.

It will

Said it in a platonic way multiple times, said it in relationships a few times when I really did just mean 'I love/care about you' as opposed to 'I am in love with you', and have only said it to one person with whom I really meant it. Meaning I've really only been in love once ever. Holding out hope that current happenings will continue along a path where I might conceivably say it again in the not-too-distant future, but then that's what is always hoped in these types of situations, I suppose...

I had no idea being in love w someone was this rare

nor did i, thought i was just the odd one out.

lol nick, can't believe you've revived this the last two times!

i've said it four times (i think) and thought i meant it the first 3, but with my husband i realised that with him i truly meant it, in a way i never had before - unconditionally, and unselfishly, and that it wasn't just lovey-love but that i loved him the way ppl love their family (but with the sexy stuff too, obv). dunno, probably not explaining it right and just sounding really emo :/

i don't know how many times i've said it. i'm starting to FEEL it for this woman i'm seeing, but a relationship with her would be a bit problematic. regardless i'm not gonna SAY it, cuz things are so weird anyway, i think it might just make her confused even more. I am a very affection person and I think I love easily.

Justine that is the best definition of love I've ever read

i do not like these words

Chicks do

^part of my problem

Every done an Arab Strap and faked saying it?

― Tom, Thursday, September 6, 2001 5:00 PM (8 years ago)

lol indie

I feel so goddamned distant from this. I remember what it felt like to say it, and to say it because I really and sincerely felt it, and I kind of almost wish I didn't remember. I wish I could fool myself into feeling like I meant it again. Or something. Because, a lot of the time, I'm seriously not sure that I ever will feel or say it again. I don't think that's too overly-dramatic, given that it's been the better part of ten years now since it happened.

Oh, to be a eunuch...

I hear being a eunuch isn't much fun

probably not, no

my biggest issue: "i love you" = "i will love you forever"

in my mind, the latter has never followed the former, but it seems i am wrong or strange for thinking this

i say "i love you" but i worry, b/c my mom used to say it too much. like i'm not sure how much she meant it. so i say it when it feels natural, i try not to smother. however, i do have friends that'll say it a lot. friends, not lovers. and i always like it. it's very sweet, and why not, why not more love.

Don't think I've ever said it, or been in a position to. The fear of this being forever is getting very real.

Said it to a few past partners, and meant it at the time. Say it every day to my husband, and still mean it. Occasionally to pals when they need cheering up, or when I'm drunk, but that's in a "luv ya!" way, which isn't the same. Never to my parents or brother ever, but they know and don't need to hear it, like I don't need to hear it from them.

Ah, these words. Of course I've said 'em! I've even meant it, to both people. Actually, it might be more than two, but I was a silly youth.

I'm not saying them again until I'm goddamn sure, though.

Said it three times and meant ot, one time drunk. Oh not counting friends, but that's always drunk.

a lot of my friends say it a lot, like to friends. getting off the phone, in talking, just being cute -- "LOVE you!" "k, love you, talk to you later bye!"

sometimes i'm down but i mean, sometimes i'm like why don't you just buy me a cake and ice it already?

Said it to two girls in the romantic sense, meant it twice. Say it to my brothers and dad all the time, and mean it. One of my best friends is a great man for saying it while drunk, and I say it back and mean it. Didn't say it to maybe two girls where I've regretted not doing so.

Don't say it to my niece, because she's only two and that would be silly. But she's in there alright.

awwwwwwwwwww to all of that

ha i've said this before but i don't know where i'm going wrong with my ilx persona i'm mr softy irl.

apparently! u and ur brothers sound like a regular hoot

zingbot with a heart of gold.

Say it to my parents sometimes now that I live in another country. I guess cos I am conscious of their age, even tho they are only in 60s. Also prob more appreciative. Don't say to brothers or sister tho get along v well. Seldom say to friends apart from one or two emotionally open pals! As for relationships said it to one person and meant it, still love her but as friends now.

sometimes i'm like why don't you just buy me a cake and ice it already?

sometimes you just kill me, surm <3

it's pretty awkward when someone says this to you (in, like, a romantic context) and you don't reciprocate.

dude a few years ago: i love you.
[awkward pause]
me: that's nice.
[even more awkward pause]

Yeah, that's the worst feeling ever. Except, I imagine, being on the other end of that exchange.

I have recently started saying it and meaning it to someone who also says it and means it. Which is kind of a super big deal. It's awesome.

:) happy

My understanding of this phrase is expanding to "If you left me I might die, but right now stfu thx" which seems really healthy and normal and I am cherishing it, kinda.

2 year olds need to be told they are loved FYI

nah she gets enough of that, i'm the stern dude in her life fyi

lol fair enough

Whatever, Mr. Softy.

internet family hard man

hmmph

it sucks to get it reciprocated irregularly

I say it to my wife multiple times daily. I say it to my daughter each time I see her, often more than once. I say it to my mom whenever we talk. I said it to my dad all the time for years and years before he died. I try to say it to my siblings frequently, too.

omg i love you

George: I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I
just chickened out.

Jerry: Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love
you' return?

George: Fifty-fifty.

Jerry: Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball
hanging out there.

George: Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it, why
can't I say it?

Elaine: What, you never said it?

George: Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.

Jerry: Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

George: You know, I could have actually gone to that.

Siena: So why didn't you?

George: Well, I didn't want to break our date.

Siena: Oh, well.

George: Because I... I love you.

Siena: You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

New scene.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

Jerry: "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

George: Yup.

Jerry: Big matzoh ball.

George: Huge matzoh ball.

Jerry: Those damn 'I love you' returns.

George: Well, it's all over. I slipped up.

Jerry: Oh, you don't know.

George: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I
love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says,
"I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.".

I really don’t get the whole need to say “I love you”, I completely think it’s overrated and overused. It’s more trouble than it’s worth, either you’re too scared to say it, in case you don’t hear it back or you say it too early and scare someone off. Then there’s someone saying it to you when you’re not ready to hear it, and if you are ready to hear it, do they mean it? Some of you are saying you say it multiple times a day, doesn’t it lose value if it’s constantly being said and wouldn’t it sound more genuinely meant if said less?

that's how my parents think, but they NEVER say it. would have been nice to hear it more.

Some of you are saying you say it multiple times a day, doesn’t it lose value if it’s constantly being said and wouldn’t it sound more genuinely meant if said less?

To expand: fuck no.

i think people who have dealt with death in their lives would probably second that No, too. one of my friends who lost her dad when she was very young says it a lot, and one night we had a conversation in which she said that if you love someone, why not just say it. just kind of shrugged her shoulders about it. i like that attitude.

man, my mom says "i love you" to me every time we hang up the phone, and i'm pretty sure just about every night before she goes to bed when i'm at home

Some of you are saying you say it multiple times a day, doesn’t it lose value if it’s constantly being said and wouldn’t it sound more genuinely meant if said less?

this is retarded

yeah that is retarded

i understand what not_goodwin is saying, though, insofar as i've had relationships in which the other person does little to nothing to actually SHOW me that they love me. they would just say it over and over, as if to make up for that. but that's a very particular situation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sxyi7JLit0&feature=related

Lose its value by saying it? Of course not. It only loses value when you cease to feel it.

OTOH, by not saying it, it may eventually appear so huge and portentious that you'll fear to say it to anyone, lest you be required to perform prodigies in order to justify it.

I regularly perform prodigies BETWEEN THE SHEETS so that's not a concern for me

i used to think that saying it all the time would make the words a lot less meaningful, but my husband and i probably say it to each other at least 3 times a day, and it still feels the same.

i think the first time my mum told me she loved me, i was about 19. and it was only bc i said it first. so yeah, say it to your kids all the time.

From now on yer prodigies between the sheets are mandatory. Any falling off from previous levels will be viewed with deep suspicion.

as long as they're not child prodigies...

How is it retarded?

As surm said, showing someone is harder than saying three little words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q38N9QvsdzU

no its not

xp

I think maybe it's harder to show someone you love them if you don't actually love them...? I've never found it particularly difficult to do either (but then again I don't live my life as if I was in a bad romantic comedy).

but Dan think of the potential hijinks if you did

Hi Fidereity

hahaha

well, love can be both a feeling and an action. you can feel all the love in the world for someone, but if you don't do anything about it, the 3 little words can seem empty. i know bc my mom (who i don't consider my parent, when i say "my parents" upthread) was always very good at saying it. and that's about it.

no its not

― puff puff post (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 18:37 (2 minutes ago) Bookmark

So making an effort with someone, putting up with all that comes with being in a relationship, sacrificing parts of your life to give time to some one you like is easier than saying “I love you”?

You're talking nonsense

no im not

i see your point, great comeback...

So making an effort with someone, putting up with all that comes with being in a relationship, sacrificing parts of your life to give time to some one you like

sounds like relationships with you are a lot of fun

I mean, if that's really the terms you would use to describe a loving relationship o_O

you make a good point, not_goodwin. i realized at one point recently that my boyfriend and i are kind of reversed when it comes to this: i say the words more, he does the things more. buys me something, cooks for me, takes me out. i need to start doing more things like that.

(coincidentally i have noticed that he's been saying "i love you" more recently)

I think the point being made is that bogarting the "I love you"s as if they were made of precious gold make you seem like a totally unbearable person to have a relationship with. If you're that giving with your time and energy when being in a relationship, why exactly is it harmful to also say "I love you"?

I was arguing the case that being in a relationship is harder than saying “I love you”

Any speaking being can say I love you, it’s easy.

In every relationship, there are always sacrifices, be it time or a hobby or whatever people did before they met someone, if they didn’t sacrifice anything, they wouldn’t be able to see them.

Do people just sit still and do nothing until in a relationship?

most people are like the zombies in "I Am Legend", so yes

it's not like I've been in a ton of relationships but when I am in one it just feels like a part of my life

kind of like "oh cool I was there and now I'm here"
I don't know if I'm really making much sense tho

Do people just sit still and do nothing until in a relationship?

it's not an either/or thing, it's more of a changing continuum. when I was 6 years old I did a lot of things I no longer did when I was 12. when I was single I did a bunch of stuff I no longer do. when I'm old I imagine I'll be doing even less. Times change, your priorities change, your interests change. if being in a relationship is preventing you from doing things you want to do, then something's wrong with that relationship.

xp

I've been with the same woman for 17 years and expressing that we love each other via word and deed has been the easiest part of maintaining the relationship. (Dividing housework, otoh, almost caused us to break up.)

I mean presumably if you're sacrificing some things, it's because you're getting things you want even more (sex, affection, security, companionship, fun). that's not really a "sacrifice", more like "trading up".

xp

I love you

many xps

for ex. I guess I "sacrificed" blowing money in bars at night for hanging out with my daughter as much as possible - and at this point in my life the latter is infinitely preferable

but yeah saying "I love you" to someone you genuinely love is easy as breathing - and people like to hear it. because they like to know that they are loved.

if being in a relationship is preventing you from doing things you want to do, then something's wrong with that relationship.
Yes i agree, but I was arguing the case that being in a relationship is harder than saying “I love you”
Do you get me now?

I just think it’s an easy three words to say and a lot harder to prove. I personally am not one for saying it, I prefer to say it with actions and show someone. To me, “I love you” has to be seen as well as heard.

sigh!

i don't think anyone is arguing that it's enough to say ilu and not demonstrate it? this is a completely inane argument?

all i have learned is that i don't want to date not_goodwin

I personally am not one for saying it, I prefer to say it with actions and show someone. To me, “I love you” has to be seen as well as heard.

um do you see the contradiction here or did you not really mean the last part of your post

xp

when I was a kid I knew this girl who would collect I love yous

I personally am not one for saying it /= as well as heard

To me, “I love you” has to be seen as well as heard.

sure, but it has to be heard too, and it's not diluted by repetition unless there's a reason to think it's insincere
loads of xposts

some people don't like to say these words often because they plain don't like to get all mushy like that. i don't have a big problem with that, as long as the words are spoken at times. but it can be a big problem if u never say it -- it's a shame to be that uncomfortable about your own emotions.

but it can be a big problem if u never say it -- it's a shame to be that uncomfortable about your own emotions.

^^this

not to mention the fact that actions can be misinterpreted just as easily as words (for ex. expressing "love" by being a strict, authoritarian, physically abusive, emotionally distant dad). seems like a no-brainer that everybody agrees that genuine love should be expressed. withholding verbal expressions of genuine love is weird and sorta raises questions.

How is it retarded?

As surm said, showing someone is harder than saying three little words.

― not_goodwin, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 18:32 (40 minutes ago) Bookmark

was answered with

no its not

― puff puff post (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 18:37 (36 minutes ago) Bookmark

like you can by someone flowers as an expression of your love, but that can be interpreted as a cheap an empty gesture in the same way as oft-repeated "I love yous"

BUY someone flowers

Sorry i should have said i'm not one for saying it all the time, not never.

I’m a very affectionate person, I’ll have you know.

jordan where is that dialogue you posted from? feeling siena over here

"seinfeld"

ok thx

lol

My immediate family always said it to each other all the time. I think every conversation w/any of my parents or siblings ends with "Bye, love you." I've never said it to my grandma, aunts, uncles, or cousins, though. They've certainly never said it to me, though my mom every once in while has felt the need to say, "You know your grandma loves you." My grandma is mean and crazy and acts like she hates everyone, I'm pretty sure she doesn't love me at all. It would be so weird to hear her say she did.

My youngest brother has to end every evening by saying "G'night,, love you, sweet dreams," in that order, and expects you to repeat it. If you just repeat part of it, or in the wrong order, he'll get cranky and say it again until you get it right. It would be a funny way to mess with him if it clearly didn't distress him greatly for you not to just repeat it back.

I say it to my husband all the time, he says it to me all the time. I really like that.

Sometimes my husband's mom says she loves me. In fact, she says it as often as my parents do. She kisses me, too, when she sees me. I turn my cheek to that, and I feel weird saying, "I love you" beck to her, since we've had a fairly hostile relationship. Whenever I say it back as a reflex I fell like I fell for a trick, though she's not set it up as a "trick." She's just more affectionate than most people are and I don't know how to handle it.

I have a dear friend or two from high school who I'll say "I love you" to in a platonic way. And I say it to my pets all the time. The end.

Some of you are saying you say it multiple times a day, doesn’t it lose value if it’s constantly being said and wouldn’t it sound more genuinely meant if said less?

While I don't think the above is true, ime the inverse is true: the less frequently it is said, the more it means when one gets one.

it only means less if it's meant less.

Romantically, two people, and really retroactively one shouldn't have been said.

Friendship wise, many. I don't think the phrase can ever be overused unless you don't mean it, then once is too many times.

I say "I love you" to all my friends and family when it's appropriate. And I've said it to all my girlfriends at the time I was dating them. It's not that big a deal to tell people who mean a lot to you that you care.

musicfanatic OTM. screw this "waiting for the right time" shit.

eh there's a lot to be said for waiting for the right person though.

absolutely. and I do think you need to wait for the right time the FIRST time you say it to someone romantically, but after that, ya know, if you feel like it, say it....

Poll - do you all ever say it while in the sack with your woman (not necessarily after sex, but possibly)?

I had a girl complain once when I did it saying that she felt like I only told her I loved her when she was naked. I felt bad but I mostly did it because it followed a very intimate and special moment. I said it other times too, and she didn't say it back all the time, so sometimes I think I beat myself up for that one too much.

This thread is so weird. I mean, love and relationship threads on ILX generally make me feel like an alien from outer space, but.. wow.

It's like a whole bunch of people going o_0 at how they don't understand how humans can be or get so damaged.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syw6aGuYJnQ

It's like a whole bunch of people going o_0 at how they don't understand how humans can be or get so damaged.

I think it's more a combination of rejection of the idea of permanent damage plus some frontin' plus people not all signed up to the same notion of love etc

Bodies can be permanently damaged by experiences. Why should minds be any different?

withholding verbal expressions of genuine love is weird and sorta raises questions.

― Get the Flaps Out (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, March 17, 2010 3:17 AM (15 hours ago) Bookmark

this is not true of certain cultures

ilx dearth of empathy shockah. xpost

TS "damaged" vs "altered"

yeah, partly. I wouldn't deny the possibility of damage, but I'd want to say that it's a specific choice of word that represents an individual's experiences and attitudes more than an objective truth about minds.

http://stuffwhitepeopledo.blogspot.com/2009/06/say-i-love-you-lot.html

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41i2teiTiyL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

I've never said I love you to my parents nor have they to me, but we know it's there. so ymmv

the differences in usage make sense to me. when people give each other more space and demand less from each other and you respect the distance of the public/private split, saying 'I love you' becomes about bridging that gap. Obv. it can just be said as a pleasantry, but then its for show & derives its flippancy from employing such a sincere sentiment, so still the same model. if your model is that expression comes through establishing long-term commitment to specific behaviour/values through actions, then saying it could be irrelevant, not the proper channel, maybe even a way of dodging expectations.

I'd say saying it is more fraternal than paternal, involves less responsibility, its less a comment on how the two of you act together and more a comment on what you think&feel about them separate to that. you can obv use this model w/out ever saying it. I think saying it to your lover can be almost like affectionately&respectfully backing off, stating your investment in them regardless of behaviour/actions.

I say I love you to my parents all the time because I do and I want them to know it. They do the same.

In terms of romantic love, have said it and meant it to five ppl.

I've never said I love you to my parents nor have they to me, but we know it's there. so ymmv

this. And i can't imagine saying it now unless something big was happening/about to happen - just saying 'i love you' out of the blue like that would strike me as suspicious tbh.

"Sit down. No please, sit down. Now, firstly- WE LOVE YOU........"

yeha tbh that doesn't sound like it's going in a good direction.

I don't think I've said it to my parents, or sister, though I know I've written it and sincerely meant it. I should say it, where I have the chance still.

"Hello, darling.
Yes, I love you darling!
Yes, I loooooove yoooooou!"

well, you'll know what I'm hearing instead of 'darling'

<struggles>

writer of epic symphonies, matchmaker supreme

Phew, our connection is still there; that is what I was thinking! Love you acoleuthic! ;-)

*blushes*

ooh that's awkward, he didn't say it back

i love...another

amahler

(that's)

nvr say this 2 ne1

That's OK, my internet love doesn't need reciprocation.

uh

how does this work

The phonemes have to flow just right. It takes practise.

You can practise in front of a mirror, if you're self-concious.

you shouldn't regret saying this should you? i think you should be able to say it more and not have to fret over the consequences.

what i'm saying is i think i gotta to stop getting drunk and saying this to virtual-strangers/ crushes if it's the big deal that it's supposed to be.

but then..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGEOYmMe-aI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kx5rNw0rq4

I love you I love you I love you what's your name