What's the closest you've ever come to suicide???

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Me? June 1993. Sitting on the couch, watching some lame movie, sulking over some now-trivial incident in school, my mom upstairs in front of the TV, calm and unaware. It's a bit of a laugh now... the whole idea seems like the ultimate form of "giving them what they want"... whoever the "them" may be... but, now and then, every once in awhile... it feels kinda real again...

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:35 (twenty-two years ago)

two days ago

i wanted to

not enogh pills in my house

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't remember the exact date but it was 1988. I distinctly remember sitting on my parents' bed with Dad's handgun and staring at it, wondering if I was really going to do it. The thing that made me put the gun back was realizing that losing two sons within a year of each other would destroy my folks.

Every day I am thankful that I made that decision.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Fourth grade, textbook cry-for-help with a garage sale Swiss Army knife that probably couldn't have sawed through butter without a lot of effort.

Very early twenties, doesn't really count, drunk off my ass for the third week in a row, in the midst of a lengthy post-breakup post-dropout depression, climbed onto the balcony knowing I was drunk, curious if I'd fall, started hopping up and down on the railing to see what'd happen.

Since then, everything's been cool.

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:43 (twenty-two years ago)

A year and a half ago I started a thread on ILM to distract myself from the notion of jumping off a 12th-story balcony nearby. Thank you to everyone who posted to that thread.

― no one, Friday, 25 April 2003 23:45 (twenty-two years ago)

swallowing (and subsequently having to throw up) a bottle of something very poisonous, back in '93. there've been times i've felt worse or done something more destructive but that's the actual closest i've come to "the act"..

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:45 (twenty-two years ago)

i took a lot of paracetomol

i hate the idea that i could have done it more than i hated myself

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Setting up a noose from a tightened up duvet coverr, attaching it to the light-fitting, and then realising that to break your beck you need something like six foot to jump from, and this form of death would involve suffocating to death. I just self-mutilated that night instead. Must have been... November 98, I think.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Friday, 25 April 2003 23:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Mostly it's a laugh... a relic from my "immature" past safely covered in dust on an attic shelf somewhere... but the feeling still hangs around from time to time... and when it crops up, it's as real as fucking real can be... as real as the chair I'm sitting on, and, as time goes on, the sarcastic "wit" I use to distance myself from what I'm really feeling is becoming more and more useless.

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:00 (twenty-two years ago)

hmm, thought about it lots but cant get up the will to do it. sometimes it just doesnt seem worth it. I take the schopenhauer view of suicide.

― ryan, Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:02 (twenty-two years ago)

...and I swear that's not to sound overly dramatic, or art-school essay-ish... but I suppose some of the ribald wits 'round here will call me on it, anyway...

Have at it, vultures (you know who you are...)

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:02 (twenty-two years ago)

it's as real as fucking real can be

absolutely. the will to self destruction is always there in all of us i think.

― ryan, Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:03 (twenty-two years ago)

...but it doesn't crop up when you'd think it would. When I'm depressed, I'm not suicidal, I get rather angry at the circumstances (usually, the crappiness of the world at large, the way people make a mockery of the need to communicate and relate to others) and I put that anger to creative use...

...but the feeling crops up at the most mundane of times... like just now, waiting for my fiancee to get back from the gym so we can go to dinner... I didn't have a particularly bad day at work or anything... in most ways, my life seems to be pretty much in order... etc.

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:08 (twenty-two years ago)

1993, my girlfriend of 2 years broke my heart. I left her house one night and saw a car I recognized passing me by. An hour later I went back to her house feeling suspicious. Looked in the window and saw her having sex with a kid I grew up with. It hurt...like hell. My parents were going through a divorce and my dad was in the nuthouse after having a breakdown. Two days earlier I went and visited him. Here was a man that I looked up to my whole life. "a man", he wasn't a man the day I saw him, he was a child. In a fetal position on the floor making a little wooden box, curling his hair with his fingers. He couldn't look at me directly...but when I did catch his eyes, they were wet. Wet with tears, he wanted out of this hell he was in and I wanted him out. I couldn't take it. After seeing my life pretty much crumble between my eyes I wanted out. That weekend I went to a party with friends and tried to talk to some people and tell them how I felt, they could have cared less. i walked back to my friends house and tried to hang myself. Luckily the party ended up back at this kids house and of all people a football jock found me and pretty much saved my life. Of all people. He sat with me the rest of the night and gave me a shoulder to cry on. I thank him for that everyday that I am alive. Forgive me if I ramble but I'm pretty drunk and depressed right now.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not drunk... and I don't even know if this counts as a full-blown depression... but I'm definitely going through some old papers in my brain's filing cabinet...

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Scott, you need to listen to the Outfield.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:26 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry... not familiar...

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:27 (twenty-two years ago)

it was a joke. err sorry.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:27 (twenty-two years ago)

...and, while I'm at it, I apologize for making people dredge up a bunch of emotional crap!!! My next post: "Which is truer to the spirit of real licorice? Red Vines or Twizzlers?"

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Great. Now I feel like an ass!!!!!!

*smiles*

― Scott Kos (Scott Kos), Saturday, 26 April 2003 00:28 (twenty-two years ago)

a couple of years ago, i didn't come very close, but it was the first and only time i've ever given it serious consideration. fortunately i had some good friends around to help me pull through and i also discovered that st johns wort stopped me from crying myself to sleep every night and having regular panic attacks.

― di smith (lucylurex), Saturday, 26 April 2003 01:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Scott, you smile to much
*smiles*

― buttch (Oops), Saturday, 26 April 2003 01:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I planned it for almost two months leading up to my most recent birthday.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Saturday, 26 April 2003 01:26 (twenty-two years ago)

The closest I ever came was purely accidental. I ingested 13 Codipronts (German codeine), drank a little whiskey, smoked some pot, got up from the kitchen table, fell down unconscious, woke up to terrified acid freaks splashing orange juice on me, started shaking like an epileptic... you know, 15 year old douchebags make some foolish choices in their search for a good buzz.

― Scaredy Cat, Saturday, 26 April 2003 01:48 (twenty-two years ago)

A couple of times it was an on-the-brink type of thing, but every time I was pulled back because I just couldn't do that to my grandparents or even my parents (though less so with the latter).

Things got a helluva lot better when I stopped drinking and drugging heavily, which I started in the first place because I was depressed.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Saturday, 26 April 2003 02:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been suffering from serious depression for some years now. Two years ago my marriage was crumbling - we'd been together since 1978. She'd been wonderful for 22 years, but she had started behaving abominably towards the end. I'd been close to suicide several times, and one August night in the midst of an argument I announced that I was doing it. She said something like "go on then" - I assume she didn't imagine I was serious, but the other possibility is there (she had taken my suicidal feelings seriously enough to call the police once before). I went into the living room and took over 120 antidepressants, and left the house. (Some time after this my then-wife decided I might be serious, and then found the empty pill bottles and called the police.) I walked for a while, then started feeling more than a little woozy, and I can't remember what happened then, but the police found me 8 or so hours later, under a lorry. Don't ask me. I'd apparently vomited some, which the doctors said was what saved me. It was 36 hours before I woke up, and we all learnt that I hadn't suffered brain damage as they had half expected. First conversation: my wife telling me she was leaving.

I can't say I've felt thankful at failing too often. I've come closer on several occasions since than what most of you are describing, and I'll be surprised if I don't get that again - this depression causes what they term 'suicidal ideation', and that can come almost independently of the misery and anxiety.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 26 April 2003 10:16 (twenty-two years ago)

i've thought about it near enough every day since i started high school. i have the means, but not the courage.

― thuddd (thuddd), Saturday, 26 April 2003 11:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Watching - Girl, Interrupted....

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 11:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, it's bad.

― Cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 26 April 2003 11:57 (twenty-two years ago)

bunch of times, sort of nearly doing it sort of unintentionally but wouldn't've cared too much if that's what'd happened. well wouldn't've cared at all i guess, ha ha.

― duane, Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Uh oh Sonny - I'm just watching that now! Angelina Jolie has just made her entrance.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I love the line when she says: But .. but ... I took a whole bunch of aspirin.... I tried to kill myself .... how? by fucking up your liver? seems pointless - here - have this gun - it will sort you out fast .... though - the wilco song is pretty ace.

the best suicide scene was in the royal tennebaums ... just when he says: 'i'm going to kill myself' ... as if he is reminding himself....

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:36 (twenty-two years ago)

He actually says "Tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself", and then just does it straight away.

"Of course it was dark, it was a suicide note"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Suicide is boring. Why not get people so angry - that they want to murder you? More entertaining and perhaps you will get a book deal out of it.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:45 (twenty-two years ago)

How does a murder victim benefit from a book deal???

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:50 (twenty-two years ago)

benefits??? Why - being famous for dying - that would be an easy sort of fame!

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:52 (twenty-two years ago)

sonny knows all about people making him so angry he wants to murder them. PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Huh?????

I'm saying: Why not make someone so angry that they eventually murder you. Murder is more interesting than suicide.

Psycho? At least I'm trying to take this conversation in an interesting direction than an after school television special about suicide...

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:55 (twenty-two years ago)

oh of course mr bates!

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 26 April 2003 12:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Once a good friend phoned up saying that he was going to 'kill himself' ... what to say??? Of course, I said if you are just going to waste your life, do it with style...

My advice was too get a bank loan, several credit cards, travel the world, hang around rock'n'roll bands, experiment with drugs - all on someone else's money and then after that - come back to me and tell me you want to kill yourself ... and I will help him!!!

He's now married and living in Mexico (on the lam, natch!).

Suicide is boring. But hell, if you are going to do it - do it with some style.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I think alot of suicide thoughts are really from boredom and routine.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:02 (twenty-two years ago)

benefits??? Why - being famous for dying - that would be an easy sort of fame!

But you're DEAD. I'd think that would put a damper on enjoying the fame (unless you plan to become a vengeful spirit that depants tourists, in which case I say go for it).

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I got placed once in a Teentalk for Suicides by my guidance counsellor. Sigh. It was worse than when I was put into the drama class. Just sort of embarrassing. I never attempted suicide. I never really thought about it. But here I was attempting to discuss it. I just said 'Err... I'm bored alot'. But teenage boredom does not necessarily mean suicide...' Though thoughts of suicide did run through my head during the first day of drama class. But I just went to the bathroom and never returned. Damn guidance counsellors.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

And to answer Dan's question - just knowing that you were going to get at least a docu-drama on some bad Fox network show would be sort of cool and fulfilling???? But again I never think about suicide.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never come particularly close to it, because I guess I wouldn't be here. My aim would be to succeed, not get 'saved.' I have thought about it a million times, and occasionally have spent way too much time trying to figure out a fool-proof method.

It's not an immediate prospect, but I can't say it'll never happen.

― ChristineSH (chrissie1068), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:11 (twenty-two years ago)

When I was six or so - my parents were landlords at an apartment building. This woman thought she would jump off the building. Half way down she changed her mind and tried to grap onto the balconies. Leaving her fingers and hands behind. She landed on her feet. In my backyard. That was terrifying - but it happened so fast and my mother threw a sheet over the body - that I only caught a glimpse - but hell - if you want an anti-suicide thought, just think of that. Gruesome!

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:15 (twenty-two years ago)

That was the closest that and my father killing himself... but hell, I'm not about to get on about that in ILX!

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, it's probably wisest to avoid some topics on a publicly searchable archived forum (IMO).

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:21 (twenty-two years ago)

i wish/hope no one would ever do it. i know it's cliche to say this, but it really does cause such great pain to the survivors. people who are feeling depressed have no realization of the positive impact that their life has on others. even if you are the biggest fuck-up in the world, constantly making trouble for others, your suicide would just cause more grief for people. even though people may outwardly treat you poorly, it's likely that they love you somewhere deep in their hearts...and they most certainly don't want you to take your life. it's often difficult to realize how much people really love you, because their expression of it is many times buried by their own emotional problems and confusion. society, as well, does not particularly encourage overt expressions of affection and caring, except within very particular situations. this is sad.

i lost a close family member to suicide, who at times i honestly wished would die (and i don't think i've ever wished that on anyone before) and now, a couple years later, i and my other family members and the people who loved him/knew him, still feel great pain, grief, confusion, etc. regarding the loss of him. it's like a part of you is gone forever & it's disturbing, upsetting, and just very sad.

when you're depressed your view becomes so narrow, and you are unable to appreciate the big picture, the vast richness and beauty of life. one never knows what the future will bring. it's important to keep your mind open to possibilities...the unknown...i think we fail to realize the enormity of our potential as individuals, and suicide is such a terrible waste of life.

― Dallas Yertle (Dallas Yertle), Saturday, 26 April 2003 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

i have never considered it. but i have been next to it in certain forms

#1. came to london to stereolab show when i was maybe 19 or so, popped in on this girl i knew, she had married this guy. i just stopped by for a beer on the way to the show in kilburn. stopped for maybe 30 mins, then on my way. a week later, telephone call from hospital, the girl very angry, husband had tried to kill himself, it was my fault apparently. sliced his neck with a window or something. didnt really understand this, how was i related to this, we only talked for half hour and they were fine.

#2. txt message from girl, saying she was going to do this, because i wouldnt reciprocate feelings

#3. best friend who i lived with, let university and family stress get to her, took some pills, lucily i was in next room and she realisedx what she had done, we went to hospital and it was ok. she was embarrassed about the whole thing later.

#4. this guy i know had some kind of episode and the neighbours thought he had a hostage, he was in house with a crossbow, eventually police came ,surrounded house, also under impression there was a hostage. he fired it through own head. i think he panicked, i dont think he would have done it with out the attendant drama of the police making situation worse

#5. last year, friend and old dealer from when i was 17, found hanging from tree in scotland. not clear if suicide, or if certain people had got to him. it was a long while since i seen him, after he had completely disappeared. so i dont know if he was in a better situation, or if he was still involved with bad people

― gareth (gareth), Saturday, 26 April 2003 14:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Attempting to kill yourself by slicing your neck with a window is deeply macabre. The mere thought is trigging every single one of my giggle coping mechanisms. I mean, I'm sure he did something like head-butting a window or similar, but I have a mental image of him removing the window from its frame and holding it to his neck, lips trembling as he mouths the words "goodbye cruel world..."

I am so going to Hell.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 26 April 2003 14:51 (twenty-two years ago)

she may well have exaggerated for effect, i really dont know. she was very angry, and i never did find out what my supposed role in the whole thing was

― gareth (gareth), Saturday, 26 April 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

"I will never be able to carry off wearing brown as suavely as Gareth; I MUST SLICE MY NECK OPEN WITH A WINDOW." Surely one leads logically to the other.

(Yep, one-way ticket to Hell.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 26 April 2003 14:57 (twenty-two years ago)

a vengeful spirit that depants tourists

Dan, we of ILX are infinitely enriched by your mind and the notions it conceives. I for one am deeply grateful that you did not kill yourself that day.

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 26 April 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

When depressed I want to die but don't want to kill myself. This results in reckless and dangerous driving. And a few accidental ODs on pills and opiates. I'm not dead yet.

Prolly three times I've seriously started to consider suicide. Each time I've felt I have a choice: kill myself or get happy. Each time I've chosen get happy. Each time I have failed. It's getting harder to believe that I can ever be happy but I have realised recently that I feel a lot less hate and anger - so maybe things are changing for the better and the transformation is just a bit painful?

I still have hope therefore will not die.

― toraneko (toraneko), Saturday, 26 April 2003 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Completely OTM. If you'd told me 15 years ago that I'd be the person I am now with happiness as my predominant emotion, I would have thought you were talking crazy.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 26 April 2003 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

What J.Lu says says it all, friend Dan. :-) And to all that have posted on this thread who have considered it, my best wishes and hopes -- you're all great, you are. :-) It may be a blithe comment on my part, but trust me, it is very heartfelt.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 26 April 2003 16:01 (twenty-two years ago)

It's a wonderful thought, that one day I could be as happy a man as Dan always seems. The London people who met Dan say he is the world's happiest man. I guess it's possible if this illness goes away, but it's shown no firm sign of going for several years now.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 26 April 2003 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

about 2 monthes ago i was contemplating driving very fast down the tunnel road and veering into the hill.the thought of my poor soon to be motherless teenager stopped me tho/
last time before that was also driving- across the waimak on my way to the most horrible hospital i was doing a placement at and i thought all i gotta do is turn the wheel and it would all be over. motherhood stopped me then too.

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 26 April 2003 23:06 (twenty-two years ago)

The rape thing didn't fully hit me until several years later, after the therapy and shit. I'm not going to go into the details but have tried several times. I don't remember any of them. I'm only taking other people's words for having to restrain me, and the marks on my arms. It used to be a big joke, right, "Haha, another thing I failed at." It doesn't happen anymore though. I take things too far in the opposite direction--I don't hate myself and want to die, I love myself to the point of obnoxiousness at times. But it's gotta be preferable, right?

Whatever, it's not like anyone would miss me considering that I can't maintain a relationship for shit, have no kids, etc., but I'm pretty ok with it myself now.

― ungoogling my name danke (mlescaut), Sunday, 27 April 2003 03:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never even met you, and I'd miss you.

― buttch (Oops), Sunday, 27 April 2003 03:28 (twenty-two years ago)

when I was 19 or so, after enduring a particular year of mental and emotional torture inflicted by someone I loved deeply, I:

tried to slit my wrists one deep, dark night (I bear lovely scars);
stupidly did an eightball when someone offered it to me and nearly od'ed; and got really drunk, completely ratshit plastered and stood sobbing on the edge of my friend's 20 story apartmenr building roof for an hour, willing myself to jump.

As you may have guessed, I didn't kick it, and as the events of the past several years have unfolded, I've become increasingly grateful.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 27 April 2003 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I remember telling my my ex-gf about having suicidal thoughts but I must be repressing the feelings I was going through cuz I remember little about it. I mean, things have never been bad enough to where I would have any reason to. I think I was just scared of being out of HS, losing the first and only girl I was in love with, and not knowing WTF to do w/my life. Several years later and not much has changed except my outlook. You only live once blah blah blah, just seeing what's gonna happen next blah blah blah, don't take things as seriously as when I was a teenager blah blah blah.

― buttch (Oops), Sunday, 27 April 2003 03:47 (twenty-two years ago)

what ned said.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 27 April 2003 12:11 (twenty-two years ago)

thanks to dallas for writing that. i'm going to keep it in mind next time i feel suicidal...which is all too often.

― na, Sunday, 27 April 2003 14:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I was feeling very depressed and approaching the concept of suicide during the winter of 2001. I started talking to a shrink once a week or so (partially just to get out of the classroom) and he had me read 'The Stranger' by Camus. I think he was trying to teach me about the futility of trying to be completely disaffected by everything. I liked it so much I went on to read the Myth of Sisyphus and decided once and for all at that point that suicide was completely pointless and never justifiable, and while I did retain my appetite for highly self-destructive behavior for quite some time, I like to think that I have been making constant progress ever since.

― Millar (Millar), Sunday, 27 April 2003 19:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Military folk are not allowed to think about suicide.
However, the closest I've been is about five miles out.

― sgt do right, Sunday, 27 April 2003 19:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Whoops!

― Millar (Millar), Sunday, 27 April 2003 20:01 (twenty-two years ago)

two years pass...

i was driving along in my car yesterday on my own, and i was pretty tired, and suddenly started daydreaming about turning the steering wheel and crashing the car off the road. the thought only lasted for like 2 seconds before i was like omg wtf!

but for a brief moment i really thought i was gonna go through with it... i wasn't even like, really unhappy or anything!!

don't go driving alone whilst tired, kids.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:10 (twenty years ago)

1974, in a loft in new york city. oh, right.

― N_RQ, Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:13 (twenty years ago)

Ken, I also had that urge. Not driving a car - although that'd be a suicide attempt because I don't drive - but standing on the train platform. It's really weird, I used to be drawn towards the coming train. Very strange. I told my friend and she sometimes had that urge as well.

― nathalie's baby (stevie nixed), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:13 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I've been getting the same urge too during the last two or three years. It happens in different places: for example, while standing on a high place, or on the sidewalk, I may begin to think how easy it'd be to take just one step, and BOOM! This is funny, because I've never ever been suicidal in my life, so why on earth do I get the urge to do it just out of curiosity?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:17 (twenty years ago)

Because you're a curious person

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:20 (twenty years ago)

I had this thought several times during the end of summer '94 and the start of that fall school year (my senior year of h.s.). I'd moved around so much. My junior year, I'd decided not to get close to anyone, but I ended up making wonderful friendships. So then I had to move again across country. I knew that would happen. But this time I couldn't bare to go through another year of having to meet people only to leave again (this time for college). And I was ending yet another long distance relationship. I was severely depressed and missed 2 of my first few weeks of school consecutively because I wouldn't get out of bed. I was also scared to death of driving because I'd gotten in a horrible wreck earlier that summer. So I just assumed that if I wanted to die, it would have to be in a car. Obviously, I never did it, though I did get very close to swerving into oncoming traffic a few times.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:32 (twenty years ago)

In retrospect, that would have been doubley horrible because I would be putting other people's lives in danger, but I guess when you're that depressed you don't always feel very charitable.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:32 (twenty years ago)

It's curiosity that stops me - curiosity about what might happen next in my life.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:38 (twenty years ago)

Indeed, Marcello. There's no way to predict life-changing moments, but when they hit, you wonder how you ever doubted Tuomas would show penis!

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:45 (twenty years ago)

My curiosity doesn't quite stretch that far.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:46 (twenty years ago)

Luckily my penis does.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:47 (twenty years ago)

*puke*

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:48 (twenty years ago)

gag?

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:48 (twenty years ago)

Big.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:49 (twenty years ago)

Um, I watch a lot of throatfucking, and I'm pretty sure the gag comes before the puke.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:50 (twenty years ago)

I DO NOT REQUIRE 14 COUPONS TO PURCHASE A KETTLE

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:50 (twenty years ago)

what about teabags?

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:52 (twenty years ago)

DRAINAGE SOLELY VIA MUG

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:56 (twenty years ago)

Um, I watch a lot of throatfucking, and I'm pretty sure the gag comes before the puke.

I was thinking of the sex-toy kind of gag myself.

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 12:58 (twenty years ago)

Mmrf. Used to contemplate it obsessively for most of my childhood -- age eight onward. I always wondered if it would make my father miserable and realise all his errors but in retrospect he's never cared about me and would laugh at my death. In fact, I think he even said that. I finally started enjoying myself in my tenth grade year -- I don't know how that happened, but it just wasn't a bad year at all although two acquaintances of mine died -- and by the end of eleventh grade I stopped having any urges. I used to argue ruthlessly about it and tried justifying the notion to myself and others and now it's funny because I don't see the point anymore. I'm bound to die eventually, but I want to keep experiencing the [insert term for quirky, oddball nature and essence here] of life as it's a one-time only offer and our chances of actually being here are so infinitely small that it's a wonder any of us exist. The fact that I beat three million sperm to the egg is quite an achievement in itself -- consider all the creatures that've come to exist and it's staggering. A premature demise would effectively prevent me from revelling in this notion.

― Ian Riese-Moraine betta run and grab your clock! (Eastern Mantra), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 13:28 (twenty years ago)

I'm sitting at the computer, right now, wishing I could be dead, just so I wouldn't have to deal with feeling as crappy as I do, and feeling that everyone else I have to deal with wishes that I wasn't there either. The biggest problem is that i'm too much of a fucking coward to get my knife out and start cutting my wrists (down, not across!), because I really don't want to have to put up with everybody else's constant ostracisation of me.

― logged-out, Tuesday, 31 May 2005 13:51 (twenty years ago)

You're not a coward. I hardly think noone wants you to be here, you're just projecting your feelings on the others. I think the easiest for me was to just take it one step at a time. I didn't think of the polar opposite (being blissfully happy) because that was not an achievable goal and is not *me* (whatever that is!). I think just realizing that it's not a permanent state and something you can control helped the most. It's difficult, but doable.

― nathalie's baby (stevie nixed), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 13:55 (twenty years ago)

it's not projection: it's the knowledge that i *am* being ostracised and deliberately avoided by everybody i know.

― logged-out, Tuesday, 31 May 2005 14:00 (twenty years ago)

Well, maybe this is because you are causing it (due to your depression). I know I would just *separate* myself and alienate people. Sadly few people tolerate depression from others.

― nathalie's baby (stevie nixed), Tuesday, 31 May 2005 14:55 (twenty years ago)

There was an article in the morning paper today about a 13 year old girl who commited suicide by hanging herself with a jump rope. She had been bullied verbally and physically by her class mates for some time and apparently she couldnt take it any more. I've been thinking about her story all day and it just makes me so angry, sad and feeling helpless. This is not supposed to happen. A 13 year old who decides to hang herself?! How fucked up is that? It totally breaks my heart.

http://www.dn.se/DNet/road/Classic/article/0/jsp/clickImageRender.jsp?imageNo=0&major=1&minor=426999

― Lovelace (Lovelace), Sunday, 12 June 2005 20:08 (twenty years ago)

Like alot(?) of teenagers I cut my wrists but I actually never wanted to kill myself. I just wanted it to hurt.

― petlover, Monday, 13 June 2005 14:34 (twenty years ago)

I remember being a teenager hearing about a 12 year old kid hanging himself because he couldn't take the pressure anymore. :-(

― nathalie's post modern sleaze fest (stevie nixed), Monday, 13 June 2005 14:37 (twenty years ago)

one year passes...

boo

urns

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Sunday, 30 July 2006 03:23 (nineteen years ago)

I'm considering you-icide.

― dissonance in the divine accord (unclejessjess), Sunday, 30 July 2006 03:49 (nineteen years ago)

a friend i had in early high school (who i hadn't seen in maybe 5 years) hanged herself last winter and it rent my heart wide open. the fact that this avenue of communication that i had once enjoyed so dearly was permanently closed was so hard to accept. it totally thwarted my efforts to stop smoking and i would just spend hours lighting little neon-colored candles and watching them burn down. the worst part is not knowing anything about her life for the past five years, thus having no context for the act. that and her myspace, which is full of "i was thinking of you i miss yous" messages SUPER CREEPY

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Sunday, 30 July 2006 04:36 (nineteen years ago)

or should i say CREPEY

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Sunday, 30 July 2006 04:37 (nineteen years ago)

seems to be the done thing

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 30 July 2006 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

Probably the time I was sitting in a circle of not really close friends and everyone started doing the whole "opening up" thing and talking about their near misses with suicide impulse and I made up a story to prevent myself from saying "Are you all nuts?!"

― Eric H. (Eric H.), Sunday, 30 July 2006 04:57 (nineteen years ago)

I used to be depressed to the point of being suicidal *constantly*, from when I was about the age of twelve or thirteen up until just three short years ago. What kicked off those feelings for me were, well -- what the hell, it's not like I'm providing a Google-able real name or anything. When I was eleven, I was molested by a friend of the family, and it changed me in subtle ways. Coupled with the fact that I was never welcomed anywhere socially outside the familial unit, not to mention the "typical" teenaged "angst", and voila, instant suicidal teenager. Even as things got better for me socially and time put distance between myself and that event, I continued to try to poison myself with enough frequency that I'm sure I still have small ulcers in my stomach and esophagus. What stopped it for me was this realization that life IS going to be VERY difficult, but that it's difficult for nearly everyone, and it's well worth investing all the energy possible into not letting life get to you. Once I started doing that, I began focusing on what made me happiest. Not to the point where I delude myself, but just to the point where I can actually enjoy myself. And anytime those old feelings resurrect themselves, I can recognize them as indicators that I should take some time and indulge myself in that which makes me happiest. Because if I did the opposite and wallowed in those negative emotions, I would be letting life get to me, and at a frequent rate too. That kind of attitude might not work for everyone, but it works for me.

― Phoenix Dancing (krushsister), Sunday, 30 July 2006 05:14 (nineteen years ago)

And Eric, the "Are you all nuts?" attitude isn't exactly the best one to take in those situations. If you can't relate to having "near misses with suicide impulse", there's nothing wrong with just getting up, walking away, and watching something on TV or going outside, or sitting down next to another circle of individuals. That way if anyone gives you brief for not staying and hearing all those stories, you can go, "Sorry, I can't relate to that kind of thing. It wouldn't be fair for you guys or for me for me to continue to be a part of that conversation, even passively." Just MHO.

― Phoenix Dancing (krushsister), Sunday, 30 July 2006 05:23 (nineteen years ago)

This thread is moving in an alarming way, for me. The honesty of it all. I can't say I've been that close. But I have been self destructive for a long long time - whats worse, I wonder.

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 30 July 2006 06:53 (nineteen years ago)

It's not about what's worse, you just have to heal, Trayce. It can be done. I think what helps us/me best: knowing we have a choice in life. The blackness that you're in is/can be temporary: you can get better.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Sunday, 30 July 2006 09:35 (nineteen years ago)

Disturbing thread. I've been so desperate for things to be different before, but never to actually end.

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Sunday, 30 July 2006 10:01 (nineteen years ago)

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