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My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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I can't believe I have waited this long to start this thread.

My mother used to be married to a man named Chris. He wasn't bright. And he demonstrated this on a regular basis, doing many, many stupid things.

This is the thread where Matos remembers those stupid things, and shares them with the group.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:20 (twenty-two years ago)

1. Chris drank a great deal. In fact, he was basically a drunk. So one day, when he and my mom were arguing, she told him so: "You're an alcoholic!" she yelled. "I'm not an alcoholic," he replied. "I've been drinking every day since I was 15 and I'd know if I was an alcoholic!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:21 (twenty-two years ago)

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:23 (twenty-two years ago)

3. "You're stupid," my mother said. "Oh yeah?" he responded. "Well, you have the brains of two cents."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:25 (twenty-two years ago)

4. Another argument. "You're cold and unemotional," my mother accuses. "Well, what do you want me to do?" Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:26 (twenty-two years ago)

5. One day, my uncle James, Chris and I sat down for a game of Trivial Pursuit. "I don't know if you should be playing this against me," Chris warned us. "You might be overmatched. I've got a college education." Chris went to community college for six months before dropping out.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:27 (twenty-two years ago)

6. How do you get fired from a job? One way is to hit an elderly man with your car on the way out from your shift doing apartment maintenance while high as a kite.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:28 (twenty-two years ago)

7. Or how about this?
(1) Get hired as a butcher for a new burger franchise called Fuddruckers.
(2) Work in a cooler with a giant glass front window so everyone in the restaurant can see you grinding the meat.
(3) Stand behind a side of beef one day and smoke pot on the job, behind the clear glass encasement so that everyone in the fucking restaurant can see you doing it.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:32 (twenty-two years ago)

8. A couple of years ago, Chris paid a visit to my sisters, who are now 16 and 17. They were telling him about school--Alex, the older one, had recently won a footrace. "Oh yeah?" Chris replied. "I could run faster than you with one leg tied behind my back."

Brittany looked him in the eye and said, "I'd like to see you try it."

Alex ran into the next room, crying "Mom! He really does say those stupid things!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:36 (twenty-two years ago)

9. One day when I was 13 or so, Chris was driving me to my great-grandaunt's house in Minneapolis (I lived in Richfield, a southern suburb). He and my mom were separated and living apart, but still occasionally involved, and he would see my sisters every so often. In the car, he decided to have a man-to-man talk with me. It lasted about 20 minutes total. A condensed transcript follows:

"You know, you're getting to the age where you're starting to like girls." [Uh-oh. Are we there yet?] "And pretty soon, you're going to start dating. And, well, you gotta be careful. Because you never know what'll happen. I mean, who knows? You might meet a woman, and start going out, and fall in love, and have kids, and get married, and get separated, and get divorced, and end up paying fucking CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:50 (twenty-two years ago)

He then recovered: "Ahem. So be careful."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I have been simultaneously shivering with fear and laughing my goddamn ass off. Sir, you are honored and loved for having to put up with any of that.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:53 (twenty-two years ago)

keep 'em coming matos, #2 was brilliant, and #9 is one of those things you think only happens in standup comedy routines.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha, Matos, I think I know a lot of people like this guy.
"Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
hahahah! ohgodi'mdying that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:57 (twenty-two years ago)

10. One summer when I was eight, I was bored and possessed of enormous goodwill, and I decided to wash Chris's car. Being eight and not knowing the first thing about washing cars, I used soap. Whoops. He didn't yell at me or anything, but I felt bad about it.

The next day, he and Mike, this guy who lived down the hall and regularly beat his wife and stepson, went out to the apartment parking lot to wash the car, this time sans soap. I said, "Can I help you guys?"

"No," said Chris. "That's all right. Washing a car is a man's job!" And he and Mike high-fived.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:59 (twenty-two years ago)

[feel free, btw, to chime in with your own similar stories if you have them. just don't number them, please. thanks]

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I love this thread! Matos, this reminds me of a site called the Chronicles of George, who was the worlds stupidest tech support rep. He was always talking about clients "havening" problems. In fact if you google for "george havening" you will find the site easily.

Keep em coming, this is really cool, in a disturbing sort of fashion.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:06 (twenty-two years ago)

11. Canterbury Downs is a race track near Minneapolis, and soon after it opened in the mid-'80s, my uncles James and Bob began going regularly. One afternoon, they stopped by our apartment to say hi before heading off to the track. My mom asked what they were planning to eat; "We'll just buy some food when we get there," they replied. "Why not make a couple sandwiches here before you head out?" my mom asked. Great idea--thanks!

Chris stormed out of the bedroom, where he spent most of his time surrounded by pot smoke. He had recently gotten the Fuddruckers job, and to celebrate had gone to the grocery store and bought some lunch foods that he kept in a separate compartment of the refrigerator and cupboards. I had then been treated to a guided tour, during which Chris pointed out which foods I was allowed to touch and which I was to leave alone. (He didn't actually buy us food--mom fed me, herself, and my brother Jake, then a baby and now deceased, on food stamps, while he kept his job money to himself.)

Now, with my uncles there, he yelled at my mom: "If they use any of the food I bought for work I'm not buying any diapers for the baby!"

James and Bob took one look at each other and ran into the kitchen as fast as humanly possible, prepared themselves a dozen sandwiches, packed them in plastic bags and said, "Thanks, Lorie!" Chris grumbled "fuck you!" and stormed out of the house.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:10 (twenty-two years ago)

trayce those are pretty good :)

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/

― ron (ron), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't get that last one. Did your uncles end up using Chris' food just to spite him, or did they use your mom's? and if the latter why did they have to run to the kitchen? (I'm really tired as you can tell, and even more dense than normal :))

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:40 (twenty-two years ago)

(don't honestly remember who's food it was; the spite is the piont)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:43 (twenty-two years ago)

(I see. thanx, you, for humoring me)

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:47 (twenty-two years ago)

(they had to run to the kitchen because they were in the living room)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow....

My parents got divorced the summer after my senior year of high school....which means it was close to eight years ago. Dad and Mom separated long before then, of course, and Dad went to live with a woman he'd been counseling who had an apartment in her basement.

Before this had all fallen out, my sister and I had babysat the woman's kids--they knew and trusted us, and we got on well with them. We babysat the kids again at some point after the separation. As the youngest girl led me upstairs to a large double-bed in the attic, I asked "Who sleeps here?" "Mom and Steve," she replied guilelessly.

I kept that secret behind my teeth until well after the divorce was over. I know adultery might not sound like much to you, but my dad was a pastor and I trusted him to know better.

Dad, if you're reading this, you disappointed me so deeply when I heard that.

― Heather (Heather), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 07:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Hmm, this George is a dick, but I am getting rapidly pissed off with the guy's "ho ho, isn't he stupid" comments.

Matos, best thread ever, btw.

― Mark C (Mark C), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 09:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Now, with my uncles there, he yelled at my mom: "If they use any of the food I bought for work I'm not buying any diapers for the baby!"

A very stupid comment on his part, one he'd regret that soon enough. Putting aside the welfare of the kid, a baby without a supply of diapers is an absolute menace.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I've got a similar cache of stories involving my grandfather, though my grandfather was more an eccentric than an idiot.

He once nailed our woodpile together.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

this Chris guy sounds great! are you sure is actual name isn't Homer?

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

All of the stories are pretty hilarious.

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 11:08 (twenty-two years ago)

First series of Grace Under Fire to thread! She was always telling dumb ex-husband stories in that. Soon after they brought him into it, and he wasn't a fraction as dumb and unpleasant as the stories, and a significant part of the comedy was lost.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 11:38 (twenty-two years ago)

These are the best stories ever, and I'm laughing as hard now as I was in the van on Sunday, Matos.

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

(don't forget the wrestling story, matos!)

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't make my face turn into a heart!
Ha! He was obviously a fuckwit, but at least he's providing us with entertainment now.

(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

(I have seen a man fall out of a restaurant in the middle of the afternoon, roll around for a bit, be picked up by his friends and dragged down the street. He was shouting "But I'm Anthony Worrel Thompson! I'm Anthony Worrel Thompson!" And you know what? It was. This has nothing to do with the thread, Archel's post just reminded me of it.)

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos, these stories are entertaining. But what on earth was your mother doing with this assclown?

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:47 (twenty-two years ago)

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

This one made me choke!

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:38 (twenty-two years ago)

12. Chris was a big wrestling fan. (This is in the mid-'80s, after the AWA and right around the WWF's mega popularity.) So much so, in fact, that he insisted that it was real. So he and my mom got into an argument one afternoon about, no shit, whether professional wrestling was real or not. A three-hour argument. I sat in my room w/my ear to the door, listening, and burying my face in a pillow so no one would hear my laughter. It got louder as it progressed; my mom later told me that during these retarded arguments, she would move closer to my bedroom door so I could hear them better.

Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.

"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:52 (twenty-two years ago)

(Michael, that threat held no water since Chris never bought diapers)

(J.Lu, see next entry)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:54 (twenty-two years ago)

12.5 Chris was far from the only stupid person my mother ever went out with. He was simply one in a very long line. Take Mike, a deeply dippy guy who once sat me on the kitchen counter and said, "You know why Mr. T has his name? Cause he's got a goat-TEE!"

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

13. During an argument, my mother said something Chris disagreed with. "I don't believe you," he said. "You lie like a kite!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Ha, your mom dated Yogi Berra.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

14. Speaking of athletes, Chris once bemoaned the state of "young people today." (Chris, it should be noted, was two years younger than my mom, who had me when she was 14, so he's in his mid-20s when all this occurs.) "I remember when I was ten years old," he said, "I was watching TV one day, and I thought, you know what? I'm bored. So during the commercial, I went outside, ran around Lake Calhoun, came back in the house, and the commercials were ending. I'd like to see kids do that these days."

"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."

His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)

15. "You know," he said one day, "when you say 'Christ,' you're really referring to me. Because my last name is Town and my first name is Chris, so you're saying Chris T.--Christ."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Keep them coming, Matos!

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I didn't think it was possible, but I think these are getting funnier with each one. I fear #100.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

There's a screenplay here somewhere.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Especially if Matos is secretly a precocious smart-alec monkey.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:27 (twenty-two years ago)

that's no secret!

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:28 (twenty-two years ago)

There's a screenplay here somewhere.

No no no, a Fox sitcom!

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:30 (twenty-two years ago)

that's no secret!

I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-two years ago)

FOX sitcom? You mean like Titus?

Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-two years ago)

oh, I thought you meant as opposed to Matos in real life. ; )

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Re. Chronicles of George: George bears an astonishing resemblance to my semiliterate tech support coworker. Astonishing.

― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos should secretly be dead, and Chris should turn out to actually be a girl

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

(you are all mentalists and I am very afraid)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:36 (twenty-two years ago)

this thread has basically become a "copy and paste posts which make you laugh aloud" thread. more, please.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

"You lie like a kite" enters the ILXicon now.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos is the new Margaret Cho. Replace crazy chinese mother with crazy ex-stepfather and there you go. Except for that part about you being a huge gay icon, but I wouldn't know.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know, he's pretty fabulous.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:39 (twenty-two years ago)

crazy chinese mother

korean

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I can just see the promo for the Matos Show. Him running through the streets chased by his gay fans, he rounds a corner and while his fans try to catch up he sees a drag queen and changes clothes with her. And the fans run by drag-Matos without a glance, after which matos looks in the camera and holds up a roll of Matos, the swishmaker.

I should really get back to work, sorry.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh right on Jody. I think I was thinking of my mother.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:50 (twenty-two years ago)

16. One day Chris and James went fishing; I tagged along. "Bring a can of corn," James advised Chris, "it makes good bait." (This wasn't full-on fishing, btw--we'd be lucky if we caught a sunfish.) So we drive an hour out to the spot, get out the tackle boxes and rods, and I say, "Hey, did you bring the corn?" (I was intrigued because I was eight years old and had never heard of using corn for fish bait.) "Yep," he said--and whipped out a can of creamed corn. It turned out not to be a big deal, though, since he forgot to bring a can opener.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:55 (twenty-two years ago)

17. Fourth of July, 1984. We decide to drive out to the woods and have a picnic. So we make sandwiches, get chips, and fill a cooler with ice, soda, beer, and Klondike Bars, and begin the journey. The trip took an hour.

"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"

"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.

"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:00 (twenty-two years ago)

18. One day, driving us to our great-aunt's house, Chris took a wrong turn onto a one-way street. He averted there oncoming cars and narrowly avoided a collision with a parked one before finally making it down the block and turning the correct way. There was about a minute of silence, while my mother and I could finally breathe again (my brother, who was less than a year old, was also in the car).

Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I love these stories!

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Anthony Worrel Thompson is married to the daughter of the guy who owns the shop next to my house. Interesting celebrity gossip is what I am full of.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:44 (twenty-two years ago)

http://pages.ripco.net/~dymaxia/freeper.jpeg

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

i wish i knew someone with the second name moran

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Very minor photoshopping could address it to Rick Moranis. I still think it's Jesse Ventura holding the sign.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

i really do know someone with the first name moran, tho that doesn't help much.

matos, you deserve all the happiness that life can bring.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread makes me want to scoop up the eight year old Matos and give him hugs and ice cream.


(I should be working - shout at me if you see me post again)

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:49 (twenty-two years ago)

no time travel interceptions on matos' behalf please, facetime with chris clearly shaped him into the matos we know and love today (he knows this to be true)

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:57 (twenty-two years ago)

i suddenly have such a better understanding of all my neighbors

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:04 (twenty-two years ago)

jesus christ, matos!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:06 (twenty-two years ago)

(although if their kids can turn out 1/2 as okay as matos did, we're all gonna be alright)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

(nb: obv this isn't likely)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

not living near you it ain't

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:12 (twenty-two years ago)

my dad was no bright spot either, mind

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I love my dad

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:42 (twenty-two years ago)

you're lucky! i think that's pretty rare, at least amongst peoples i know

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:43 (twenty-two years ago)

do these people like sports?

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:56 (twenty-two years ago)

varies

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:57 (twenty-two years ago)

it's the glue to male bonding

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:59 (twenty-two years ago)

i like my dad lots and his love of sport is even less than mine = zero in both cases

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:01 (twenty-two years ago)

the math is wonky but the fact is true

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:01 (twenty-two years ago)

there are alternate glues


shared geekiness=glue to male bonding

sports most common, but 'culture' does as well

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I read some of the earlier entries today to my coworkers on our drive down to San Diego and they were almost crying with laughter. I fear what the rest of these entries will do to them. ;-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:28 (twenty-two years ago)

The Fuddrucker story is still my favorite one.

― Eve, Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:28 (twenty-two years ago)

me too, although I'm partial to Fuddrucker stories in general (are there any Fuddrucker's left?)

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes! At least in this corner of the Midwest.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:38 (twenty-two years ago)

There were a couple in San Diego in the eighties, probably gone now...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:42 (twenty-two years ago)

there was one in Athens - I took a date their in ninth grade, she didn't like cheese, the date didn't go well - but it closed long ago. every other business that's opened up in that building hasn't lasted more than a year, year and a half either so it's not specific to Fuddruckers.

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Jesus damn, Matos. You have scared me away from pot FOREVER.

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:49 (twenty-two years ago)

The cool kids at my high school would go to Myrtle Beach for vacation and come back with Big Johnsons and Fuddruckers T-shirts. I was jealous.

I love my dad too. He doesn't like sports (other than Duke basketball, ugh), but he loves music as much as me. It's all we can talk about, unless he's drunk (then he suddenly "loves" me and whatnot).

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:58 (twenty-two years ago)

We're so gonna have a Fuddruckers FAP in Wayne or Paramus.

― rosemary (rosemary), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:01 (twenty-two years ago)


The cool kids at my high school would go to Myrtle Beach for vacation and come back with Big Johnsons

(chortle)

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, defnitely, Matos you should come.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I think this is the funniest thread I've ever seen. What's Chris doing with himself now?

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

dude needs to try harder:

http://www.rdwarf.com/~mnoel/face25.4.4.02.jpg

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 03:11 (twenty-two years ago)

(you guys are all great; thanks)

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 04:44 (twenty-two years ago)

"I can make my face turn into a heart" is Oberst worthy

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 04:45 (twenty-two years ago)

You know, the congressman who represents part of Northern Virginia (Arlington and Alexandria) is Jim Moran. He's the one who got in trouble for saying that a Jewish conspiracy caused the war in Iraq. Maybe he's the who that guy is protesting against. I don't know, it's possible.

He also said that it's been scientifically proven that Salvadorans work harder than Mexicans. So he has enemies.

― Chris H. (chrisherbert), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 05:19 (twenty-two years ago)

The Nation loves him

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 05:22 (twenty-two years ago)

are there any Fuddrucker's left?

At least two have opened recently in DC. There was one in Rockville when I was growing up, but I don't know if it's still there.

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

There's one here in Richmond too.

― NA. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

There are a bunch of Fuddruckers in Utah.

― Fivvy (Fivvy), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

My mother is about to partake in her second marriage to a shitbag very similar to this dude. In fact he got bagged for DUI last night and driving an uninsured, unregistered car. And yet the woman doesn't want to listen to my sister and I about shitbag and how she'll throw her life down the toilet.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

What's a fuckrudder anyway?

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Marvelous burger joint with huge tasty portions.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:28 (twenty-two years ago)

>What's a fuckrudder anyway?

Chain restaurant based around selling "gourmet" hamburgers or something.

― fletrejet, Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Like Sterling said! :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never been there. I should go there in honor of Chris.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

THEY GOT THE BOMB DIGGITY HAMBURGERS, YO.

That needed to be shouted.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.fuddruckers.com/cgi-bin/mqinterconnect.pl?link=find

Find a Fudds

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I asked about fuckrudders though.

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

is what steered the Love Boat?

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

is that what...

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

19. Here was one of Chris's favorite things to do. We would be driving in the car and "American Woman" would be on the radio. Remember, this is during the time before I was a music fiend.

"Hey, do you know who this is?" he'd ask.

"No, who?" I'd say.

"Guess Who."

"I don't know, who?"

"Guess Who."

"I don't know, who?"

"Guess Who."

Ad nauseam, until he'd finally say, "it's the Guess Who, the band." (Note: I should take part of the blame for this, because it actually worked more than once.)

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow.

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Jesus Christ Matos - I didn't know anybody actually fell for that one

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I was eight!

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:30 (twenty-two years ago)

My "wow" was an expression of shock that an adult could take such satisfaction pulling stupid tricks on a child.

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:37 (twenty-two years ago)

There's a Fuddrucker's about 5 mins away from me. haven't been there in a year or two.

― buttch (Oops), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I was responding to Blount

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:45 (twenty-two years ago)

(what I meant was "I was nine, you asshole!")

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

20. Chris had a bunch of friends. Their real names are unimportant; what matters is that they each had a nickname. And that nickname was "Mick." Every fucking one of them.

Sample conversation: "Hey, Mick, what you doing tonight?"

"I dunno, Mick. What's Mick doing?"

"I think he and Mick are getting together to watch the game."

"You think Mick and Mick will let us join them, Mick?"

etc.

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos do you hate cockney?

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

(haha yes!)

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 20:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos is wise.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread reams me with empathy, being that I grew up in the Cleaver household and really don't have a solid grasp of what it must be like to be smarter than all of the adults who are supposedly your guardians. Well, in high school I felt that way about some of the teachers and coaches, but not in my own damn home. Certainly not with my dad.

I don't know if these anecdotes are supposed to be funny or what. I laughed my ass off just in case.

― don weiner, Wednesday, 7 May 2003 22:47 (twenty-two years ago)

He also said that it's been scientifically proven that Salvadorans work harder than Mexicans

This may have been an appeal to the very large Salvadoran population in the DC area. Moran represents Northern VA, I believe. Though I think most of the Salvadorans live in NW DC.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 23:53 (twenty-two years ago)

"What's a fuckrudder anyway?"

It is how guys keep swimming in a straight line...by using their fuckrudders.

― rowEn, Thursday, 8 May 2003 05:37 (twenty-two years ago)

My current fave is "brought creamed corn... but it was ok since he forgot the can opener..." Wow. Matos, consider yourself hugged. wow. My ex-husband and I were walking on my family's farm in the cow pasture one day before we were married... yup. You know this one. He picked up a "rock" and remarked how oddly flat and ridged it was. Uh, I sez, it's cow manure. wow.

Matos? Did your siblings recognize Chris' ridiculous nature? At what age did you understand how illogical and ignorant this Chris guy was? And HOW did your mom hook up with him? And if you have children, are they also able to recognize craziness?

― Gailann Schrader, Thursday, 8 May 2003 15:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of Salvadorans live in Northern VA. The immigrant population of DC proper is pretty small, it just seems big if you're in Mt. Pleasant or surrounding areas. Look at Columbia Pike, in Arlington, or all of the Arlandria area.

And yes, Moran said it to appeal to the Salvadoran population. Before 9-11 Bush was pushing for an amnesty for illegal Mexican immigrants, and Moran, whose district has very few Mexicans but many many Salvadorans, made the comment. To be fair, apparently Mexicans and Salvadorans are extremely similar culturally. And an amnesty for them would be nice.

Of course Moran is an idiot in many other ways...

― Chris H. (chrisherbert), Thursday, 8 May 2003 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

My mother is about to partake in her second marriage to a shitbag very similar to this dude. In fact he got bagged for DUI last night and driving an uninsured, unregistered car.

That's my uncle! Chris, we're going to be cousins!

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 8 May 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

these stories are killing me! pls tell me you'll write a book or something. dave eggers has nothing on you.

― kate, Thursday, 8 May 2003 21:47 (twenty-two years ago)

these stories are hilarious,nice work...

― robin (robin), Thursday, 8 May 2003 22:05 (twenty-two years ago)

These stories really do seem to beg to be compiled into a book.

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 8 May 2003 22:12 (twenty-two years ago)

It helps to talk it out, dosen't it Matos?

Let me tell mine... I grew up in Detroit, and we used to take trips all over to see relatives. It was me, my ma and my dad. Well, he hated to stop all the time to let us pee along the way, because he always liked to make good time. So he bought a PORT-A-POTTY for the van we drove. This was a stinky little 2'x 2'x 2' plastic portable toilet, with chemicals in the bottom to break stuff up. After he bought it, anytime that he was in the car and we had to pee, we'd have to use the port-a-potty. Driving 85 miles on the interstate, sitting two feel off the bottom of the floor of the car, trying to pee, with bleachy chemicals licking your bottom, trying not to tip over... was a nightmare. Things were even worse when he was taking me and my little friends to the beach or something. He had no qualms about makeing little girls he didn't really know use it. AND there'd constantly be toilet paper rolling around the floor of the car. So totally embarassing for me!! And it stunk seriously bad. And you were visible to not only everyone in the car, but everyone on the road (because those tinted windows aren't really too hard to see through.) And the thing was known to tip over if the van made a sharp turn - and of course it's your fault, and you get your ass beat.

― Emily, Friday, 9 May 2003 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

(please no more hugs! this is comedy, damn it)

― M Matos (M Matos), Saturday, 10 May 2003 06:38 (twenty-two years ago)

(ack, sorry about that, had only read first sentence of Emily's post when I wrote that; wasn't referring to the story, which is inexcusable, just that mine are meant to be funny first and foremost. y'all's don't have to be, obv.)

― M Matos (M Matos), Saturday, 10 May 2003 06:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris reminds me of my ex, who left me a voice mail message saying he was making $500 an hour as a prostitute, then told the judge in divorce court that he left that message because he still loved me and he wanted me to know I gave up great sex when I left him...

― Dana Jones, Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Your ex sounds like a truly well-adjusted individual.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

More Matos stories? Please?

― Nicole (Nicole), Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe that's it and the rest of the time he was a well-adjusted individual combining the finest qualities of Ward Cleaver and Cliff Huxtable.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:12 (twenty-two years ago)

This reminds me of a story about my ex-husband.

We'd rented a van to drive from Las Vegas to Laughlin NV where we were having our family reunion. We've been driving about an hour ... when suddenly he says, "Say ..." *he's pointing to the dashboard on which some buttons have bumps on them so you can feel where they are*

"This must be a really new car ... it's even set up with Braille"

His oldest son and I just turn our heads to exchange this astonished, grinning look, and his son says ... "Dad. ... Why would a blind driver need headlights?"

And the Ex said ... "So other drivers can see them coming" ... LOL ... by that time he'd figured it out

― Adding A Story, Tuesday, 13 May 2003 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

the difference is that Chris would have said "well FUCK YOU!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 13 May 2003 22:51 (twenty-two years ago)

one month passes...
These are keeping me up very late, laughing so hard I am scaring the dog!

I have one about my dad. (actually many, but will share one for now)

In May of 2000 I planned a trip to Alaska to meet my online email-pal. Before embarking on my trip dad asked if I had gotten any traveler's checks. I said "nah, no one really uses those much anymore. I'm just going to take my Visa debit card with me, and a little cash."

dad: "well, what if places in Alaska don't take Visa?"

me: "dad, almost everyplace on earth takes credit cards. If I get to a store or restaurant that doesn't, I'll just go to an ATM and get cash with my debit card."

dad: "oh, that worries me! How will you balance your checking account?"

me: "uhhh, write it down? like always?"

dad: "But what about the exchange rate? How will you calculate that? You aren't very good at math, you know?"

me: ( slack jawed expression ) "um, dad, Alaska is part of the states. As in The United States? You know? JUST LIKE US!"

dad: "Yeah! But they use Canadian money up there!"

― Shade, Wednesday, 9 July 2003 06:11 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't want to laugh at Matos, or make light of his situation, but some of those things that Chris said are pretty damn funny. i mean, "I can't make my face turn into a heart"? that's classic!

― Tad (llamasfur), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 06:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks for the revive. . .

BEST. THREAD. EVAH.

(of the top ten)

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 06:18 (twenty-two years ago)

four weeks pass...
this thread is amazing

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 04:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I remember the entire time we were driving around portugal looking for twee towns to explore and we spent a shitload of time looking for this one place called Espagna (sp?).

I.E. SPAIN

― Nellie (nellskies), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 05:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Ok, that's seriously funny.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

This is probably the best thread ever. It should be linked from the FAQ so that newbies know what's going on when someone says "I can't turn my face into a heart."

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I still think Matos should write a book about this.

― Larcole (Nicole), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I was trying to explain to Blount like two weeks ago how I actually kind of hate that in-joke because I happen to have kind of a heart shaped face ie pointy chin, wide cheekbones, not quite even hairline. I can't help but turn my face into a heart! Thank god I never met Chris.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I forgot about "You lie like a kite." Awesome.

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 14:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll be honest, that 'creamed corn as bait' idea looks smarter to me everyday

― nnnh oh oh nnnh nnnh oh (James Blount), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 21:25 (twenty-two years ago)

you wouldn't believe how many fish they caught that day! so yeah, you're right

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 7 August 2003 01:55 (twenty-two years ago)

because you know, they just baited the lines with the CANS and threw 'em out. sunfish for dinner AND breakfast for us!

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 7 August 2003 01:56 (twenty-two years ago)

To add to the thread:
MY stupid ex-husband (though I hate to call him that, just for the purposes of fitting into the thread, I really don't think he's stupid)

Showed up at a gig in the mid-90s where a major label A&R guy was to see us. Everyone else set up. The leaad guitarist said " Hey man, where's your guitar"
My husband (rhythm guitar), with a straight face looked back and said "Oh, shit, I forgot it":

I rest my case.

― Orbit (Orbit), Thursday, 7 August 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...
21. One day my family was sitting around the living room and Chris said something semi-dumb, I don't remember what. (Not flat-out stupid a la the bulk of this thread, just something dumb.) In response, I said, "Chris, you've got a mind like a steel trap." "What a stupid phrase," he replied. "Steel traps don't have minds."

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 28 August 2003 02:24 (twenty-two years ago)

This is surely the best thread ever.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Thursday, 28 August 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

It is. That's why I'm *bumping* it. Newbies, read this thread if you read anything on ILE at all.

― Mark C (Mark C), Thursday, 28 August 2003 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Best part of this thread: "Matos is the new Margaret Cho."

― animal wrangler (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 28 August 2003 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...
i can't believe i never saw this thread!! thank you, matos.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Saturday, 20 September 2003 06:52 (twenty-two years ago)

i have similarly awful stories about my grandpa. every summer when i was a kid he used to drive us somewhere. one summer he insisted we eat at denny's the whole way there and the whole way back. it's been a somewhat bitter running gag in my family ever since.

when i mentioned it to him recently he vehemently denied that he'd EVER been to denny's.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Saturday, 20 September 2003 06:58 (twenty-two years ago)

as a teenager my mom once got mad at her dad and told him 'shove it!' and ran into her room. he came into her room like 10 minutes later and said 'you meant up my ass didn't you?'

― lolita corpus (lolitacorpus), Saturday, 20 September 2003 08:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Never got the chance to say how much I love this thread. Thank you for sharing these stories, M Matos.

― Legendary Nothingness (Dee the Lurker), Saturday, 20 September 2003 13:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos is my hero of the week for just having to put up with half that bull. Hell, make that 'of the month'.

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Saturday, 20 September 2003 15:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Month? Of a lifetime!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 20 September 2003 16:37 (twenty-two years ago)

two months pass...
How did I miss this thread!?

― smee (smee), Thursday, 20 November 2003 16:01 (twenty-one years ago)

How great is this thread?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 20 November 2003 16:04 (twenty-one years ago)

"Find a Fudds" made me larf a lot too, coz that word means summit altogether different than a hamburger chain round our way....

― smee (smee), Thursday, 20 November 2003 16:10 (twenty-one years ago)

My mothers incredibly stupid now husband pull some classic shit. I thinked he topped it all yesterday. I got a call from my mother this morning. Apparently Wa*ne had one too many Natty Lights on Saturday and decided to do some work in the basement of the apartment (they live in an old victorian house). Well I guess the pipes in the house basement are insulated with asbestos insulation. And the landlord was going to pay some guy $600 to have it removed. Well shithead decided after a few beers to save the landlord some trouble and remove it himself. Without any protection or without a license to do so. So my mother hears him down there banging pipes around a ripping asbestos out with his bare hands. No mask. The people on the second floor went down and saw him and called the landlord. The police as well as the EPA showed up at the house. Wanting to fine him $10000 and arrest him for illegally doing this. Now, the basement (where the laundry is and storage) is labeled as a hazardous site and is sealed off. My mother says it looks like something from ET. And everyone in the building is not allowed down there for weeks.

Needless to say, the next day Wa*ne had to go to the emergency room because he passed out. He had minor poisoning. Smart guy, eh.

― Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Thursday, 20 November 2003 18:52 (twenty-one years ago)

*sits down cross legged* Matos, tell us another. It's been too long.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Thursday, 20 November 2003 23:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't think of anymore!

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 21 November 2003 00:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm just being greedy.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Friday, 21 November 2003 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...
22. One day, Chris was sitting around bragging about absolutely nothing--in this case, his family, telling my mom, "My aunt was married to someone pretty high up in the Pillsbury company."

"You mean the president?" Mom asked.

"No, not that. He wasn't on the business side of it. He was more like the company spokesman--he was pretty famous, actually."

"You mean," Mom said in disbelief, "that your uncle was the Pillsbury Doughboy?!"

"FUCK YOU," Chris replied.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Chris is revealed finally to be the Stay Puft Marshamellow Man??

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:39 (twenty-one years ago)

15a. I was reminded when back home for the holidays this year that whenever someone would use the word "God" around Chris, particularly in the event of swearing, he'd answer, "Yes?" [see 15 above for details]

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:40 (twenty-one years ago)

[I had SUCH a good vacation, the one regret is not getting more stories]

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Your second regret is not seeing me in Seattle DAMMIT.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:49 (twenty-one years ago)

haha "regret"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Your second egret is not seeing me in Seattle DAMMIT.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:01 (twenty-one years ago)

but I'm back! let the egrets begin!

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:13 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.nps.gov/calo/graphics/egret.jpg

*sniff*

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:14 (twenty-one years ago)

So, Matos, enjoying the slightly-milder-than-Minneapolis weather we're having today?

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:15 (twenty-one years ago)

milder?! it's WAY colder than Mpls was the entire 10 days I was there!

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Poor souls.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 06:04 (twenty-one years ago)

so THIS is where the "can't turn my face into a heart" thing started!!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 06:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Right, you hang out in balmy mpls, and leave us here in 31F frigid winterness. bah.

When are we Top Pot Donuting???

― lyra (lyra), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 06:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I mean, I don't MIND this weather. Crunchy white grass is just really odd, that's all.

Ned, I'm sure we all envy you and your heavy rains and mudslides right about now.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 09:04 (twenty-one years ago)

4" snow forcast for seattle tomorrow- what are the odds on my flight tomorrow AM actually taking off on time?

― lyra (lyra), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 02:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Ned, I'm sure we all envy you and your heavy rains and mudslides right about now.

Hurrah! Oh wait.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 02:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I forgot how great these stories are.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 02:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Man, this Chris guy is a dumbass, but I kinda wanna get fucked up with him and taperecord the entire time, and then use excerpts of intros/hidden subliminal messages on Josta Baby's triumphant return 50-song quadruple-disc EP to the world of ROCK.

― Helltime Producto (Pavlik), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 03:06 (twenty-one years ago)

So you're mum's still with him then? She must be quite patient.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

The great mass of mums lead lives of quiet desperation.

― Aimless, Wednesday, 31 December 2003 05:38 (twenty-one years ago)

heh. *insert BurmaKitty joke here*

― mmmm (Kingfish), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 05:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Sounds to me that any fool 30-40 year old man can have his pick of intelligent single women in their 30's. That's good news for people like me.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 05:45 (twenty-one years ago)

she divorced him after four years

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 08:32 (twenty-one years ago)

three months pass...
also, she was in her early-mid 20s during all this. so was he.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Monday, 5 April 2004 05:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Bloody hell Matos. You just paused for four months before continuing that thought.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 5 April 2004 05:48 (twenty-one years ago)

[[shrugs]] I was re-reading this and noticed I'd left that one open. now it's closed.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Monday, 5 April 2004 05:50 (twenty-one years ago)

There's a slight reference to this in Sign 'O' The Times though subtle. :)

― donut bitch (donut), Monday, 5 April 2004 05:55 (twenty-one years ago)

("this" being "Chris" and the concept/reality thereof, not the continued thought)

― donut bitch (donut), Monday, 5 April 2004 05:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that the longest space between a double post from one author pursuing a single thought? I think it may be.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 5 April 2004 06:05 (twenty-one years ago)

research needed

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 5 April 2004 06:11 (twenty-one years ago)

haha Frank Kogan to thread!

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Monday, 5 April 2004 06:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Rip Van Matos.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 5 April 2004 06:35 (twenty-one years ago)

There's a slight reference to this in Sign O The Times though subtle.

japanese import reissue bonus track: Can't Turn My Face N2 a <3

― m., Monday, 5 April 2004 06:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Japanese DVD contains unreleased live tracks "U Lie Like A Kite" and "Let's Go O.U.T.S.I.D.E. So We Can Funk"

― donut bitch (donut), Monday, 5 April 2004 07:32 (twenty-one years ago)

"Fuddrucker Funk (Brains of Two Cents Remix)"

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Monday, 5 April 2004 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

That this thread isn't continuing its glorious path after being revived is a matter of great sadness to me.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 5 April 2004 12:11 (twenty-one years ago)

I like the turn it's taking!

― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 5 April 2004 13:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe the further stories are so horrific Matos can't bear to bring them up.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 5 April 2004 15:21 (twenty-one years ago)

no, I just can't think of any others

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Monday, 5 April 2004 15:58 (twenty-one years ago)

they'll all come back to you in repressed-memory therapy.

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Monday, 5 April 2004 16:01 (twenty-one years ago)

three weeks pass...
You know, surely this thread was more responsible for ILX conversational references and gambits more than any other.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 05:11 (twenty-one years ago)

This was a great thread. Forgot about it.

― Skottie, Wednesday, 28 April 2004 05:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I would like the best threads to be compiled into book form some day. Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate would be there, Cheese Fry would be there... and this one obviously...

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 28 April 2004 05:23 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...
Gee maltos, have you ever thought you might being just a little hard on him? Granted, he was stupid, but maybe trying a little bit...why else would he take you fishing at all... and as for forgetting the can opener, who doesn't forget things now and then. The whole "who sings this"... Guess Who thing... He was probably trying to play with you... don't you think? I'm sure at eight you must have had something on your mind other than how stupid your stepfather was. Lighten up and play a little... and not at someone elses expense.

― Mother of three, Sunday, 6 June 2004 00:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that you Chris?

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:09 (twenty-one years ago)

NO, HE WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:39 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm sure at eight you must have had something on your mind other than how stupid your stepfather was.

most ignorant comment on ILE ever, perhaps.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:43 (twenty-one years ago)

oh wait I just read a Momus post on a thread about terrorism nevermind

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Maltos?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:29 (twenty-one years ago)

she forgot the "meal," and I forgot to tell you all I'm a General Foods product

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:49 (twenty-one years ago)

MALTOS...the FRESHMAKER

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:49 (twenty-one years ago)

NED RAGGETT STOP STEALING MY FEEBLE, INANE JOKES (they're all I have, sob)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Your moment will yet come.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:57 (twenty-one years ago)

"will"

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 6 June 2004 04:48 (twenty-one years ago)

He was probably trying to play with you

BUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

This will be my excuse to project upon every deadbeat shithead ever.

― donut bitch (donut), Sunday, 6 June 2004 05:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Just because you're trying to play with a kid is no excuse for being incredibly stupid...

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Sunday, 6 June 2004 06:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Or mean (see not providing food out of his wages etc).

― ailsa (ailsa), Sunday, 6 June 2004 09:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh come on, your dad never played The Starvation Game with you?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:24 (twenty-one years ago)

The rules for that one never were written down to our satisfaction.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:25 (twenty-one years ago)

"You rolled a 5; no crullers for you, kiddo!"

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

"WAAAAAA. Hey wait, this is a four-sided die!"

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:37 (twenty-one years ago)

ok sure the googler is clueless but any excuse to hear more Matos's mom's ex-husband stories is a good thing

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I completely agree with you, sir.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Ok the Maltos thing is inexplicably KILLING me here... hahaholy crap!

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 6 June 2004 18:25 (twenty-one years ago)

many thanks for reviving. I've always said a sense of humor is a necessary survival skill, but I had no idea...anxiously awaiting the Matos autobiography. Seriously: this is as funny/painful as David Sedaris.

― lovebug starski, Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:00 (twenty-one years ago)

http://stwi.weizmann.ac.il/g-junior/nutrition/milon/ART/MALTOS.GIF

― donut bitch (donut), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:01 (twenty-one years ago)

The random googler who posted as "Mother of three" is probably better known as "incredibly stupid mother of three who is bitter about paying child support" in her neighborhood.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:25 (twenty-one years ago)

seven months pass...
23. Actual quote: "I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:12 (twenty years ago)

addendum to 7. Chris didn't actually get fired for smoking pot in the cooler. He got fired for having a flask in the parking lot.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:16 (twenty years ago)

24. One day Chris was driving on the freeway with me in the passenger seat. Another car cut us off, and Chris honked and gave the guy the finger. So the guy pulled over, opened his car door . . . and Chris took the exit right behind him. "I showed that fucker," he said.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:30 (twenty years ago)

Man, i missed this thread first time 'round. It's awesome! I think David Cross based Ronnie Dobbs on this 'chris' guy.

― papa november (papa november), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:33 (twenty years ago)

25. Chris brought one piece of furniture to the apartment when he came to live with us. (He destroyed several of mom's items, but that's another thing entirely.) It was a ratty thirdhand loveseat I wasn't allowed to sit on or touch. Neither, it turns out, was my mom half the time. Her nickname for Chris's sole piece of furniture? "Precious."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:34 (twenty years ago)

26. My friend Eric used to call Chris "Vanilla Chris" because (a) we were twelve and (b) because Chris liked the band Vanilla Fudge at a time when Eric and I made fun of them because we were incipient snobs. Chris's response? To refer to my friend, a Beatles fan, as "Cockroach Eric."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:36 (twenty years ago)

chris wins that one i'm afraid!

― j blount (papa la bas), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:50 (twenty years ago)

yes, it's very important for adults to win against 12-year-olds

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:52 (twenty years ago)

grand funk matos!

― j blount (papa la bas), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:56 (twenty years ago)

?

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:57 (twenty years ago)

(these were brought to you courtesy of my friend Eric calling and reminding me of them, btw)

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:57 (twenty years ago)

This thread is awesome. I have to ask, is Chris still living?

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:10 (twenty years ago)

yep (hi!)

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:15 (twenty years ago)

Was that "hi" to me or -- OMG CHRIS READS ILX!!!

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:42 (twenty years ago)

Her nickname for Chris's sole piece of furniture? "Precious."

Well, that's that, I'll only be able to think of Chris as Gollum from here on in.

(Mr Matos, will send you an e-mail about something tomorrow when my brain is less relaxed.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:48 (twenty years ago)

Many many times I have considered hitting this thread with the big REVIVE! but then I always think "well, it's no good to revive it until Matos has collected more recollections."

So now... REVIVE!

― martin m. (mushrush), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:54 (twenty years ago)

yes, it's very important for adults to win against 12-year-olds

Defending Vanilla Fudge is a man's job! [high-fives]

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Saturday, 15 January 2005 04:28 (twenty years ago)

You get high like a kite.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 15 January 2005 04:30 (twenty years ago)

I'm too lazy to scan through this thread, but is there anything in here about how a number of Matos's stories from this thread were reprinted in some random zine (submitted by him, I assume) that I found in Quimby's recently?

― n/a (Nick A.), Saturday, 15 January 2005 05:09 (twenty years ago)

First time that I've read this thread after nearly two years of being on here. My fianceé and I have been taking turns reading this since we've both had "Chris"'s come thorugh our life.

It's also kind of weird to read I would like the best threads to be compiled into book form some day. Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate would be there, Cheese Fry would be there... and this one obviously... on this thread with a J0hn Darn1elle coming after it. TEH IRONIC FORESHADOWING.

I don't have 26 stories about anyone. My mom dated this fucking loser once who liked to tell the following riddle:

Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a cat?
A: I don't know, but it sure smells like shit!

I hated that guy.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 15 January 2005 05:34 (twenty years ago)

vanilla fudge were great. :-(

― cathy berberian (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 15 January 2005 15:04 (twenty years ago)

the 'zine is The Lowbrow Bathroom Reader, edited by my friend Jay Ruttenberg; I've written other stuff for it before. and yes, it's the first 18 stories from this thread, pretty much taken directly from it.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 20:32 (twenty years ago)

I'm still upset I didn't get my ILX book.

― jill schoelen is the queen of my dreams! (Homosexual II), Saturday, 15 January 2005 20:42 (twenty years ago)

This is still one of my fav ILX threads.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Saturday, 15 January 2005 21:29 (twenty years ago)

27. Mom and Chris are dining in a steakhouse. The waiter brings over a bottle of wine.

CHRIS (sniffing, swirling, sipping): Ah! Excellent vintage!
MOM: What are you talking about? You wouldn't know good wine from last week's Kool-Aid.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:30 (twenty years ago)

28. My uncle's name is James. One day, Chris and I drove him home from our house. We got into the car and the Rolling Stones were on the radio. "Hey, that's you," said Chris. "You're Jimmy Shelter."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:31 (twenty years ago)

29. "You're stupid," my mother said. "Oh yeah?" he responded. "Well, I have an IQ of 156."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:33 (twenty years ago)

30. As noted above, Chris was quite the drinker. And like most folks with similar proclivities, he swore he could stop anytime he wanted. So Mom took him up on it: "I bet you can't go a day without having a drink."

"Oh yes I can," he said. "Twenty bucks says I can."

That night, Chris paid Mom $20.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:36 (twenty years ago)

31. Mom and Chris fought a lot, and kicked him out of the house a couple of times. The most ridiculous example of this would have to be when they had an argument over--I am not making this up--what time the sun rises in the morning.

CHRIS: I was up with the sun today, at four o'clock.
MOM: Chris, that's impossible! The sun doesn't come up until between five and six even in summer.
CHRIS: I fucking know when the sun comes up, because when I woke up today it was up.
MOM: So you were up at 5:30?
CHRIS: Fuck you!

Etc. The argument was settle when she produced a newspaper that had the sunrise time on it. The argument then became personal and all hell broke loose.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:39 (twenty years ago)

32. Chris believed in conserving energy. How did he go about doing this? By telling me, "You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time." He was also a proponent of, when we had the air conditioner on during the summer, of not turning the machine on and off, but unplugging it and re-plugging it back in entirely.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:42 (twenty years ago)

[mad props to my man Eric for remembering these]

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:43 (twenty years ago)

33. As demonstrated with the multiple "Mick"s story above, Chris did not have a nimble way with a phrase. Perhaps the nadir of his personal lexicon involved a boss at a prior job of his (well, right, most of his jobs were "prior" by the time he lived with us), named Perry W. Apparently, whenever his (presumably permanently stoned) coworkers heard the boss coming down the hall, which I'm guessing made them stop doing whatever they were doing besides work (like, uh, posting on ILX, but these were pre-Internet times), the call went out: "Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

This in itself isn't anything like a big deal--we all have stupid work in-jokes. But we don't all bring them home. And we don't all say those phrases in mixed company whenever anything happens--say, a bad hand in a bridge game--at every available opportunity. Chris, however, is not like the rest of us.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:49 (twenty years ago)

34. Before my sisters were born, my mom had a second son named Jake; he died of a heart condition at 15 months old. Not long after this happened, my mother was understandably distraught. What advice did Chris give her? "You've gotta calm down," he said, lounging on their bed, smoke aswirl," and just smoke a joint. It's not that big a deal."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:51 (twenty years ago)

35. Here's how I found out my brother had been born: I came home from school one day, and Chris was home but Mom wasn't. I went in and thought I was alone; he emerged from his room, and instructed me, "I'm really tired, I've been up doing shit all day, and I don't want you to make any noise while I'm trying to sleep." He went into his room, began to close the door, and said, "Oh, yeah--your mother had the baby." Then he shut the door and went to sleep, without knowing which hospital she was at, whether the baby was a boy or a girl, what its name was, or whether it was healthy or not.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:54 (twenty years ago)

I'm speechless.

― Hurting (Hurting), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:56 (twenty years ago)

This is my favorite long-running series on ilx.

― papa november (papa november), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:57 (twenty years ago)

re 34: JESUS FUCKING DAMN

― What's this place, Biblevania? (natepatrin), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:57 (twenty years ago)

Dare I ask... this was Chris' kid? (you don't have to answer if the issue is too personal)

― donut christ (donut), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:01 (twenty years ago)

36. My mom's family--most of it--has played bridge since they were teenagers. (Our great-grandaunts and uncles were avid players, and they taught them as kids.) When Chris moved in and married Mom, they taught him how to play, too. The way my family plays is more than a little unschooled--if you're familiar with the game, you know you can double anytime, but my family had a rule where you could only double after the main bidding was finished. (I don't understand it, either--the rule, not the game, which I've played since I was 13.)

Another rule is that when you bid your hand, you and your partner attempt to come to a contract you can reach: Book, which is six tricks out of a possible 13 (there are four players, each dealt 13 cards) plus whatever number you bid, with the suit you bid holding rank, or "trump." It's a frugal game most of the time--it's rare to get an extraordinary hand unless you're playing competitively; usually, the cards go out fairly evenly.

So what was Chris's rallying cry during bridge? "Bid 'em up!"--which is a little like hollering for more distortion at an acoustic folk show.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:06 (twenty years ago)

DC: yes

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:08 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I'm with Nate. 34 is the mindkiller.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:09 (twenty years ago)

Xpost And NOW it's the soulkiller!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:12 (twenty years ago)

[nb. 35 should read "without TELLING ME," not "without knowing"]

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:17 (twenty years ago)

Holy sh... that's.. I'm speechless.

Was this the only kid born to Chris? (I apologize for forgetting the time line of your siblings and their respective fathers)

― donut christ (donut), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:18 (twenty years ago)

no, no, my sisters are his kids, too.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:18 (twenty years ago)

well, I'm assuming Chris was out of their lives early on then.

― donut christ (donut), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:20 (twenty years ago)

I'm still reeling from "Jimmy Shelter", much more the subsequent stories.

― donut christ (donut), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:21 (twenty years ago)

The one about running around the lake during the commercials slayed me. Besides the absurdity of his story, the fact that this was his idea of how kids were better back then -- they got bored during the commercial and ran around.

― Hurting (Hurting), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:22 (twenty years ago)

And then he gets pissed off and says "fuck you".

Pillsbury Doughboy story was pretty amazing as well.

― Hurting (Hurting), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:23 (twenty years ago)

vanilla fudge were great. :-(
-- cathy berberian (theundergroundhom...), January 15th, 2005

we were 15-year-old smartasses! I like 'em pretty well now (can't speak for Eric)

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:24 (twenty years ago)

"No," said Chris. "That's all right. Washing a car is a man's job!" And he and Mike high-fived.

― Hurting (Hurting), Friday, 21 January 2005 06:25 (twenty years ago)

"You're an alcoholic!" she yelled. "I'm not an alcoholic," he replied. "I've been drinking every day since I was 15 and I'd know if I was an alcoholic!"

I'm sorry, but this is genius.

It reminds me of the Family Guy episode:

"You're drunk!"
"No I'm not, I'm just tired because I've been up all night drinking."

― Sasha (sgh), Friday, 21 January 2005 07:27 (twenty years ago)

Chris and the New Power Generation: "Cream (Corn That Is!)"

― Eric Fifteen, Friday, 21 January 2005 08:50 (twenty years ago)

Yes, Vanilla Fudge WERE great! But not as great as URIAH HEEP! And not NEARLY as colossal as Grand Funk Matos! Does the soul of Michaelangelo flow through their veins?!!

I had an Uncle named Rick. He wrote a song about me when I was born called, "Sweet Eric with a Jewish Middle Name." (It's Benjamin). He was a Lutheran Minister who played Madonna and "We Are the World" on a small-town Minnesota radio station. He tried telling me about the facts of life when I was 10 (I guess he didn't trust my parents or public schools to do it). All I remember was, "Eric, you're gettin' to the age where you're startin' to like girls...most people call them balls, but they're really called testicles...now, your penis..." I must've had enormous will to restrain from laughter! When his FOURTH son was born, his SECOND son WATCHED THE DELIVERY, prompting Rick to tell everyone and their plumber, "now that's BONDING!" One time his 4-year-old son threw my 6-year-old sister against the wall, to which Rick proudly responds, "that's my boy." Rick was obsessed with the role testosterone had in making him a man (I wonder if he was also obsessed with the role Jack Daniels and mouthwash had in making him an alcoholic...yup, this in addition to his 2 careers as Disc Jockey and Lutheran Pastor). The story's pretty damn funny if you try real hard to disregard his steady decline into a drunken, homeless, family-less, penniless haze for the better part of the last decade; culminating in his death last July, 2 weeks after his 50th birthday.

― Eric Fifteen, Friday, 21 January 2005 09:28 (twenty years ago)

I am utterly speechless. For a change.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 21 January 2005 14:14 (twenty years ago)

I'm so glad this thread was revived.

― Leon the Fatboy (Ex Leon), Friday, 21 January 2005 14:24 (twenty years ago)

hi Eric!

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 17:54 (twenty years ago)

Some fish love corn. To attract smelts to your fishing hole rig up a Creamed Corn Chum Bag. This may work for trout as well as smelts, let me know. One way to rig it:

1. You need a can of creamed corn, cheese cloth, 4oz sinker, bread tie, string.
2. You also need a lobster bait bag or fine mesh onion bag.
3. Place half of the corn in the cheese cloth and close with bread tie.
4. Place the cheese cloth and sinker in the mesh bag.
5. Lower the bag into the water with cord/string.
6. "Jiggle" it every so often to release some essence de' la corn.
7. Disperse the remaining corn slowly by hand.


(Try with sardines packed in spring water without the cheese cloth!)

― Homarus Vulgaris, Friday, 21 January 2005 17:59 (twenty years ago)

"You're an alcoholic!" she yelled. "I'm not an alcoholic," he replied. "I've been drinking every day since I was 15 and I'd know if I was an alcoholic!"

I've actually repeated this story several times to various people.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 21 January 2005 18:00 (twenty years ago)

(CCCB recipe stolen from the New England Sportsman:
http://www.nesportsman.com/articles/article28.shtml)

― Homarus Vulgaris, Friday, 21 January 2005 18:05 (twenty years ago)

Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck.

Don't tell the K-I-D-S there's no Santa Claus.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 21 January 2005 18:11 (twenty years ago)

I have a truly stupid/ignorant(is there a difference?) step-mother-in-law, married to my father-in-law, who's a great guy but has terrible taste in the ladies. Some nuggets:

1. She's been playing the lottery a lot more recently, because she's "been getting really good at it."
2. She supports republicans solely because of their support of getting rid of the capital gains tax (she's a trust funder who's never had a job).
3. When my wife told her that she found Michael Jordan to be a great looking guy, elegant in his athleticism, she equated having sex with a black guy with "f*cking a monkey."

Bonus by association: After a recent cross-country drive, her brother informed me that there's no environmental problem in the US since he "saw plenty of trees out there."

― tobo (tobo), Friday, 21 January 2005 21:01 (twenty years ago)

Matos, you should film yourself sitting on an easy chair telling all these stories into the camera.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 21 January 2005 21:04 (twenty years ago)

wow, this is gold. my only question - why? as in why date, much less marry, such an obviously stupid prick? was he hung like a horse?

― cod, Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:07 (twenty years ago)

how the fuck would I know?

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:11 (twenty years ago)

yeah, sorry. could've phrased it better.

― cod, Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:13 (twenty years ago)

http://www.public.asu.edu/~atjlb/FOOT%20IN%20MOUTH.JPG

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:20 (twenty years ago)

my only question - why? as in why date, much less marry, such an obviously stupid prick? was he hung like a horse?

you want some of that Chris action, cod, don't you.

― donut christ (donut), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:44 (twenty years ago)

Maybe he could make his cock into a heart.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:46 (twenty years ago)

OH GOD PLEASE STOP THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT.. I BLAME MYSELF.. BUT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

― donut christ (donut), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:54 (twenty years ago)

*is content*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:54 (twenty years ago)

6. "Jiggle" it every so often to release some essence de' la corn.

― Homarus Vulgaris, Saturday, 22 January 2005 16:02 (twenty years ago)

anecdotes #34 and #35 suggest that the ex-husband has some form of (undiagnosed) autism -- "inappropriate" use of language, utter lack of empathy and emotional affect, bizarre habits, etc. Which isn't to say he's not incredibly stupid, too, or that Matos' sense of humor and survival skills are anything less than heroic. And obviously, drugs & drink are a big negative influence here as well. I still think there's a book in this.

― lovebug starski (lovebug starski), Saturday, 22 January 2005 16:34 (twenty years ago)

three months pass...
Oh lovely thread.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:45 (twenty years ago)

It just may be my favorite thread ever. Seriously, it should be turned into a book.

― Leon Federline (Ex Leon), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:49 (twenty years ago)

It does beg for it. Mr. Matos, it is time for your second great tome.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:50 (twenty years ago)

Mil Millington made a pile of money off of Things My Girlfirend And I HAve Argued About (where "a pile" means "some"), so I say FOLLOW IN HIS FUNNY FUNNY FOOTSTEPS.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:53 (twenty years ago)

Does "some" mean "lots"?

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Monday, 16 May 2005 15:19 (twenty years ago)

Wow, this thread. Wow.

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 16 May 2005 15:47 (twenty years ago)

Does "some" mean "lots"?

I don't know; you'd have to ask him.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 16 May 2005 15:55 (twenty years ago)

best . thread / ever (alongside gear's couch and ally's co-workers)

― stevie (stevie), Monday, 16 May 2005 16:29 (twenty years ago)

nine months pass...
haha my mom and sisters saw this thread! they approve.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 10:28 (nineteen years ago)

Every time this thread is revived I read it in its entirety. Best thread ever.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 10:57 (nineteen years ago)

Anyway, how dumb could the guy be?

http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/users/cpt23/

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 12:01 (nineteen years ago)

I worked at a convenience store on campus. One of the WAY older janitorial guys there? Wanted the bigger-than-life-sized free-standing cardboard pix of Dennis Rodman (this was a few years ago) that was a freebie from the soda company. His use? He said his wife LOVED Dennis Rodman and he was planning on putting it at the foot of their love nest/bed (his words). No, I won't finish what they were planning on imagining with Dennis - but he shared his fantasies with of us, including the college girls that were standing there... A WAAAAAY older caucasian couple... with cardboard Dennis...... It's tobo's fault. I was reminded of this... My brain hurts all over again...

― Gailann Schrader, Tuesday, 14 March 2006 19:45 (nineteen years ago)

haha my mom and sisters saw this thread! they approve.

:-D

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 19:48 (nineteen years ago)

Sending the kids o-u-t-s-i-d-e is insanely funny.

― stet (stet), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 20:48 (nineteen years ago)

this thread is like a glorious new dimension of ILE. it's godlike. thank you, matos.

can someone explain or point me in the direction of:

Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate

and

Cheese Fry?

i fear searching will throw up a lot of false leads ;)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:26 (nineteen years ago)

hint: Try using "thusly" as one of your search terms.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:35 (nineteen years ago)

Grimly, it gives me great pleasure to bring you:

what to do when your roommate doesn't realize you're home and thusly is having loud sex in the living room

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:42 (nineteen years ago)

I remember I used to think gear! was quite old

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:45 (nineteen years ago)

Oh man, grimly, you've not read that one before? Prepare.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:49 (nineteen years ago)

i'm psyching myself up right now. i shall report back later.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:06 (nineteen years ago)

i've never read about the couch incident before either. going to now.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:19 (nineteen years ago)

it was good to read in real time, but viewed in hindsight it musttake on a different quality - more farcical, less urgency/trepidation

― ambrose (ambrose), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:32 (nineteen years ago)

sssh! you'll spoil it for me!

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:37 (nineteen years ago)

yeh, i getcha ambrose.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:43 (nineteen years ago)

haha my mom and sisters saw this thread! they approve.

who is the more unwise - the fool, or those who marry him?

Did your sisters marry him too? That would rock.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 13:19 (nineteen years ago)

Unwise to marry a fool? Probably good for your ego. :-)

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 13:42 (nineteen years ago)

Oh man, the trucker hat guy.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:37 (nineteen years ago)

When I reread that thread, I can usually get as far as Ray Charles before I start to make piggish snorting noises and my co-workers give me strange looks.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:39 (nineteen years ago)

i'm reading it now. by ray charles i was laughing so hard that mrs fiendish came through to see what was wrong.

BEST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER. o my god. i think i've ruptured something.

and i'm nowhere near finished yet. (a bit like trucker hat guy.)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:02 (nineteen years ago)

Hehehe.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:03 (nineteen years ago)

!!.

!!!!!.

I had forgotten. Actually, where have I been?

I have no idea.

Hey, Ned.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:05 (nineteen years ago)

How do.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:25 (nineteen years ago)

so. dare i ask about "cheese fry"?

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:38 (nineteen years ago)

I think you should just investigate that link.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:38 (nineteen years ago)

when ya gotta bump...

― dr lulu (dr lulu), Thursday, 16 March 2006 22:19 (nineteen years ago)

after the glory of trucker-hat guy, cheese fry was a little disappointing. sorry. i should have done them the other way round.

x-post: no need!

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 16 March 2006 22:20 (nineteen years ago)

"girls, gurls, grrls: c/d, s/d" was awesome, though.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 16 March 2006 22:39 (nineteen years ago)

three months pass...
37. We lived in an apartment complex across the freeway from the strip malls (two of them) where Richfield ended and Bloomington began, effectively, and one day I was out hanging around at one of the strip malls. My brother was about a year old and Mom was pregnant (with my sister Alex), and there was somewhere we needed to go in a last-minute way, I forget what. She knew where I was and came by; she'd just gone grocery shopping at the Red Owl at the end of the strip mall, stopped into whatever store I was at, and told me to come along. We were about halfway across the sidewalk on the freeway overpass when Chris came rushing up, started yelling at me for worrying Mom (who told him that she hadn't been worried at all), and then berated me for not carrying her bag of groceries for her.

There was only one problem: he'd left my brother at home.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 29 June 2006 03:09 (nineteen years ago)

"Where's Jake?" Mom asked.

"Oh, he's asleep in the crib," Chris said. Needless to say, Mom ran home as fast as she could and Chris gave me shit for not having manners as we walked back together.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 29 June 2006 03:10 (nineteen years ago)

oh, matostepfatherpaws

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 29 June 2006 03:19 (nineteen years ago)

I still think there's a book in this.

...

― m coleman (lovebug starski), Thursday, 29 June 2006 11:41 (nineteen years ago)

you reckon?

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 29 June 2006 11:47 (nineteen years ago)

seriously. fictionalized or straight-up memoir. I'd read it anway.

― m coleman (lovebug starski), Thursday, 29 June 2006 11:56 (nineteen years ago)

Sure it could. Were I pitching it to a British publisher, I'd tell them Matos grew up in a place they don't think exists.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:05 (nineteen years ago)

i can't believe i forgot about this thread! my morning needed some chucklesesez

― latebloomer aka rap's yoko ono (latebloomer), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:28 (nineteen years ago)

Matos, you must submit to hypnosis in order to dredge it all up. Nobody ever got into "recovered memories" for their COMIC value. It's time to rectify this.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

Friday Project it up, seriously! If they'll do Holey Moley and the Ladies Bogs this would be right up their street! DO IT DO IT DO IT and I'll only claim half of the resulting royalties for suggesting them. It's a bargin, really. I'll send over the paperwork. Is that a current email address?

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

seriously. fictionalized or straight-up memoir.

a million little matoses

― aimee semple mcmansion (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:34 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.menmymotherdated.com/

And this thread has brightened my week considerably!

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Thursday, 29 June 2006 13:32 (nineteen years ago)

this is brilliant. some of it is hilarious but i know you must have gone through a lot an im very sorry for you.sorry about jake as well. cant believe cos he knows he cant win he just always answers with "fu*k you" unless he can find a weird or cheesy statement.

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Friday, 30 June 2006 08:34 (nineteen years ago)

dude.

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Friday, 30 June 2006 08:36 (nineteen years ago)

how old are you now?

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Friday, 30 June 2006 13:27 (nineteen years ago)

"You lie like a kite!" never really took off, did it?

― Chairman Doinel (Charles McCain), Friday, 30 June 2006 18:20 (nineteen years ago)

I used to say it occasionally to a friend who lurks on ILX, but haven't in ages. Maybe I should start again!

― melton mowbray's APOCALYPTO! (adr), Friday, 30 June 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

matos is 19 this year.

― Bea Arthur - Lost COmic GEnius ? (dubplatestyle), Friday, 30 June 2006 18:57 (nineteen years ago)

4. Another argument. "You're cold and unemotional," my mother accuses. "Well, what do you want me to do?" Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

is actually kind of beautiful.

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Friday, 30 June 2006 19:13 (nineteen years ago)

ILXORS who have said "you lie like a kite" in real life: myself, Emilymv (who hasn't really posted, like, at all since she birthed her baby).

― you can email me if you wish to challenge the truth (nickalicious), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:08 (nineteen years ago)

ILXORS who have said "you lie like a kite" in real life: me.

― Raw Patrick (Raw Patrick), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:17 (nineteen years ago)

where Richfield ended and Bloomington began

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

― M@tt He1geson, Rendolent Ding-Dong (Matt Helgeson), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:26 (nineteen years ago)

ILXORS who have said "you lie like a kite" in real life: me.

― Fsck Washing Ong's Hat (Chris Barrus), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:29 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

― rrrobyn sharkattack battleforcenet (rrrobyn), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:30 (nineteen years ago)

My mothers incredibly stupid now husband pull some classic shit. I thinked he topped it all yesterday. I got a call from my mother this morning. Apparently Wa*ne had one too many Natty Lights on Saturday and decided to do some work in the basement of the apartment (they live in an old victorian house). Well I guess the pipes in the house basement are insulated with asbestos insulation. And the landlord was going to pay some guy $600 to have it removed. Well shithead decided after a few beers to save the landlord some trouble and remove it himself. Without any protection or without a license to do so. So my mother hears him down there banging pipes around a ripping asbestos out with his bare hands. No mask. The people on the second floor went down and saw him and called the landlord. The police as well as the EPA showed up at the house. Wanting to fine him $10000 and arrest him for illegally doing this. Now, the basement (where the laundry is and storage) is labeled as a hazardous site and is sealed off. My mother says it looks like something from ET. And everyone in the building is not allowed down there for weeks.

So ... Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism?

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:44 (nineteen years ago)

Needless to say, the next day Wa*ne had to go to the emergency room because he passed out. He had minor poisoning. Smart guy, eh.

Yep, Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:45 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

Haha! me too!

― melton mowbray's APOCALYPTO! (adr), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

Please to link "cheese fry"

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 2 July 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

"I can't make my face turn into a heart."

This is almost like Zen poetry....

― jay blanchard (jay blanchard), Sunday, 2 July 2006 22:50 (nineteen years ago)

The most upfront sexual proposition you have ever made/received to/from someone you've just met

haha absolute best part of the cheese fry story is that my current boss posted on the exact same thread, less than 10 posts above it. this is PROOF that ilx will not be an impediment to gainful employment.

― Bea Arthur - Lost COmic GEnius ? (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 2 July 2006 22:57 (nineteen years ago)

37.5. Apparently Chris argued with my mother about having left Jake in his crib, alone and asleep, while he came out to look for her and berate me: "So what? What the fuck is wrong with it? He's asleep! He isn't going anywhere." (A few years later, one of our neighbors--on the same floor of our apartment--was murdered by someone who'd been buzzed into the building.)

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Monday, 3 July 2006 06:25 (nineteen years ago)

omg yr sister and lorie have seen this? whoa!
kinda funny thou :D haha

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:30 (nineteen years ago)

nabisco your story is FUNNY haha :D you could do another thread on this subject!

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:35 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

It doesn't actually say that?
*checks*
Damn! :-0

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:38 (nineteen years ago)

38. My mom's mother was born on Friday the 13th. (On this date, actually; happy birthday, Grandma.) When my mom told this to Chris, he informed her, "That's nothing. I have a friend who was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th--on Halloween." He then threw a fit when she told him this was impossible.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:50 (nineteen years ago)

that's so fucking fantastic.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:54 (nineteen years ago)

My mom called me at work, while driving, to tell me it. I love you, Mom.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:55 (nineteen years ago)

It was in the Year of the Magical Numerical Transposition.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:55 (nineteen years ago)

Absolutely classic, Matos. Please to look after the red-haired vixen next week and make sure she gets to Kiehl's for me!

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:58 (nineteen years ago)

haha will do!

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:00 (nineteen years ago)

"That's nothing. I have a friend who was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th--on Halloween."

I don't think any other dumb comment can ever live up to this one.

― GILLY'S BAGG'EAR VANCE OF COUPARI (Ex Leon), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:29 (nineteen years ago)

oh, that's classic.
i also love your mom for knowing it was worthy of an at-work phone call.

― rrrobyn sharkattack battleforcenet (rrrobyn), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

cease adding on to this thread (don't get us wrong, we love it) and write a book about these incredible moments of stupidity.

― fongoloid sangfroid (sanskrit), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

LOL

I love this thread. :)

― Mama Roux (Mama Roux), Friday, 14 July 2006 00:17 (nineteen years ago)

We need a picture of Chris on the thread.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Friday, 14 July 2006 00:34 (nineteen years ago)

MSPaint Chris!

― San Diva Gyna (and a Masala DOsaNUT on the side) (donut), Friday, 14 July 2006 00:36 (nineteen years ago)

Michael, I am still speechless. I can't belive that Mom never told me this story. This is not only the dumbest thing he's ever said, it's the dumbest thing ever said.

-Brittany Matos

PS Yes, I am his biological daughter ::cringe::

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Saturday, 15 July 2006 01:37 (nineteen years ago)

Don't cringe, Brittany. We all have stories about our parents. Their flaws are the reason why we're Internet addicts.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Saturday, 15 July 2006 12:44 (nineteen years ago)

i told matos he needs to take these to the NYer

― david allen grier (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 15 July 2006 13:25 (nineteen years ago)

wow Matos is back an still on the thread! well done dude!
(by the way who ever sed bout matos pic on thread how bout one of chris at the top haha) *jokes*

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Monday, 17 July 2006 09:53 (nineteen years ago)

Don't cringe, Brittany. We all have stories about our parents. Their flaws are the reason why we're Internet addicts.
They hook you up, your mum and dad.

― Ruud Haarvest (Ken L), Monday, 17 July 2006 13:49 (nineteen years ago)

They may not mean to
But they do

― Ruud Haarvest (Ken L), Tuesday, 18 July 2006 00:23 (nineteen years ago)

yeah kinda

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Thursday, 20 July 2006 08:39 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

Over a year since last revived. It is time.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 10 August 2007 02:43 (eighteen years ago)

yaaaay!

― rrrobyn, Friday, 10 August 2007 02:56 (eighteen years ago)

yes! time for a new one!

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Friday, 10 August 2007 03:12 (eighteen years ago)

OMG...that's all I can say.

― The Reverend, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:06 (eighteen years ago)

I always love it when newer folks meet the wisdom of Chris for the first time.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:28 (eighteen years ago)

it's an ILX sacrament or rite of passage or something

― latebloomer, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:40 (eighteen years ago)

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said," next to the chicken soup books.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:57 (eighteen years ago)

Didnt Matos say he'd thought about doing that? Or am I misremembering. I love this thread :) Even non ilxors Ive showed it to do as well.

― Trayce, Friday, 10 August 2007 06:01 (eighteen years ago)

"Steel Traps Don't Have Minds: Sharpen Your Mental Acuity in Five Minutes A Day"

― Hurting 2, Friday, 10 August 2007 06:28 (eighteen years ago)

this thread is sitcom GOLD

― Maria :D, Friday, 10 August 2007 07:16 (eighteen years ago)

Matos, did your mom have abusive/neglectful parents herself?

My mom (lesbian) had a pot-head neglectful/abusive girlfriend for most of my childhood and always wondered why my mom was with her. She competed with us kids the way Chris did and took chances to berate us. She wouldn't answer the phone when we called for rides from town 10 miles away waiting in the cold and wouldn't let us have any of our things in the living room and smoked pot constantly and gave us shit for "wasting water" when we showered every day and constantly told us that if it weren't for us she and my mom would be happy and even though she was potsmoking and unemployed, constantly mentioned that we kids weren't bringing in an income and were draining the house resources (my mom supported all of us).

Then later I found myself dating pothead loser guys that reminded me of her, as if I could make them better and heal the wrong that was my parents' relationship. Sorry, not a funny comment, just to address the recurring question of why she was with him. Why do people stay with assholes? Because they want to fix some damage or something. Because they're young. Lots of reasons.

Anyway, glad you turned out okay. And your sisters/his spawn are okay, too? Man! Sorry to hear about your little brother.

It's 4 am and I had to finish up some work for a Eurodeadline and should be sleeping. I think I'll dream of a character who's part Chris, part Ed from t.v., part Sher (my mom's ex) and part the step-dad from Slingblade.

― Maria :D, Friday, 10 August 2007 07:57 (eighteen years ago)

Gee, Maltos

― Tracer Hand, Friday, 10 August 2007 10:02 (eighteen years ago)

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said"

Hah - this is so OTM! I think Matos is sitting on a goldmine here.

― baaderonixx, Friday, 10 August 2007 10:29 (eighteen years ago)

Maltos Liquor

― The Reverend, Friday, 10 August 2007 16:08 (eighteen years ago)

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

― C. Grisso/McCain, Friday, 10 August 2007 16:13 (eighteen years ago)

Maltos: the lolmaker

― Hurting 2, Friday, 10 August 2007 17:20 (eighteen years ago)

where Richfield ended and Bloomington began

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

way otm

― gff, Friday, 10 August 2007 17:59 (eighteen years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

Actually the Friday the 13th/Halloween story is probably the late victor in this thread. So far.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 10 August 2007 18:18 (eighteen years ago)

one month passes...

Addendum to the various stupid nicknames detailed above: my grandfather, Pito, was known in the Chris-lexicon as "Pito the Mosquito." I don't get it, either.

― Matos W.K., Wednesday, 12 September 2007 07:07 (eighteen years ago)

It rhymes, which is usually enough for a nickname.

― n/a, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 12:11 (eighteen years ago)

More stories, please! This thread pretty much makes my day every time it's revived, and I could really use it this week.

― mh, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 13:05 (eighteen years ago)

yea! this thread's pretty special, cause it was the first thread i read on ile, after discovering and posting on ilm first.

― Roz, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 13:14 (eighteen years ago)

"I can't make my face turn into a heart."

So classic.

― Jarlrmai, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 13:39 (eighteen years ago)

i can only imagine matt dillon saying that, shortly before punching someone.

(ps dear this thread I LOVE YOU)

― CharlieNo4, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 14:12 (eighteen years ago)

eight months pass...

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

― stephen, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 19:31 (seventeen years ago)

yaay!

― rrrobyn, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 19:37 (seventeen years ago)

Oh, how I love this thread!

― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 19:41 (seventeen years ago)

Poor Matos...poor, poor Matos...

― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 19:41 (seventeen years ago)

I was trying to figure out where I got "You lie like a kite!" from.

― HI DERE, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 20:45 (seventeen years ago)

Hahaha -- ILX, contributor to/warper of vocabularies.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 20:47 (seventeen years ago)

I was trying to figure out where I got "You lie like a kite!" from.

-- HI DERE, Tuesday, June 3, 2008 3:45 PM (32 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

i said this to my sister the other day and she was like, "what?" and i had to pretend she'd misheard me :-/

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 3 June 2008 21:18 (seventeen years ago)

three months pass...

So THIS is the origin of that old "turn my face into a heart" meme. No one was ever able to tell me that.

― ○◙genital grinder◙○ (roxymuzak), Sunday, 21 September 2008 01:20 (seventeen years ago)

Hahah, one mystery less.

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 21 September 2008 01:21 (seventeen years ago)

It's like I've found some kind of ILX wormhole.

― ○◙genital grinder◙○ (roxymuzak), Sunday, 21 September 2008 01:58 (seventeen years ago)

If, when I die, St. Peter questions me about all the time I wasted on ILX, I'll at least be able to point this thread, and I'll still be laughing as I roast in hell.

― Everything is Highlighted (Hurting 2), Sunday, 21 September 2008 02:18 (seventeen years ago)

st peter hangs out in heaven

― s1ocki, Sunday, 21 September 2008 02:27 (seventeen years ago)

at the gate, silly

― ○◙genital grinder◙○ (roxymuzak), Sunday, 21 September 2008 02:28 (seventeen years ago)

WOW... Jesus Chris T, this is unbelievable! I will now go to sleep dreaming about heart turning faces

― sonderangerbot, Sunday, 21 September 2008 03:51 (seventeen years ago)

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Sunday, 21 September 2008 22:13 (seventeen years ago)

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:13 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

It's a really old hacky Polish joke.

― P'zone, Monday, 22 September 2008 21:08 (seventeen years ago)

nine months pass...

39. My mother is six months pregnant and standing on a chair painting above the kitchen cupboards. Chris is sitting on his ass drinking a beer. She finishes and steps down. Chris: "You missed a spot."

― Matos W.K., Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:16 (sixteen years ago)

;_;

― drunk shudder shades chick gets kicked out of mcdonalds totally (╓abies), Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:37 (sixteen years ago)

christ, I love this thread, glad to see it pop up again.

― sciolism, Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:45 (sixteen years ago)

kind of reminds me of the stories of davesecretary, which I don't think I've seen around here... I'll post a few, they're all caps because they need to be.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 am
EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

― sciolism, Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:50 (sixteen years ago)

amazing thread

― Nhex, Saturday, 18 July 2009 07:37 (sixteen years ago)

maybe it was actually

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX2DZWtHd2o&feature=player_embedded

― Pissed Jenas (DJ Mencap), Saturday, 18 July 2009 09:59 (sixteen years ago)

"hey jude" is terrible even with the happy hardcore treatment.

― flash! aaaaaah (get bent), Saturday, 18 July 2009 10:02 (sixteen years ago)

It was "Don't look back in Anger" right?

― Mark G, Monday, 20 July 2009 09:02 (sixteen years ago)

four months pass...

I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

― homosexual II, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 02:18 (fifteen years ago)

I realize that Chris' statement is couched in a long string of terrible behavior, but I have probably said something as dumb as "I can't turn my face into a heart " when arguing with my wife, if I was really tired or something.

― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 11:55 (fifteen years ago)

in another context it could be kinda sweetly sad!

― FC Tom Tomsk Club (Merdeyeux), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:24 (fifteen years ago)

In the context I'm imagining that it would indeed sound stupid. I get terribly incoherent when I'm tired.

― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:27 (fifteen years ago)

But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.

― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:28 (fifteen years ago)

I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.

― Mark G, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:30 (fifteen years ago)

"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"

― Huckabee Jesus lifeline (HI DERE), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:58 (fifteen years ago)

"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.

― Sock Puppet Pizza Delivers To The Forest (Sock Puppet Queso Con Concentrate), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 16:04 (fifteen years ago)

He can't change his face into a hearat.

― the onimo effect (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 11 December 2009 17:00 (fifteen years ago)

one month passes...

There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?

― the clones of tldr funkenstein (James Redd and the Blecchs), Monday, 25 January 2010 21:27 (fifteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

I just read this thread for the first time. Chris is my new god.

― Mr. Snrub, Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:06 (fifteen years ago)

two months pass...

i had a burger at fuddrucker's today and couldn't stop thinking about this thread.

― altered dominant (get bent), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:32 (fifteen years ago)

I've never seen this thread before but it's tremendous

― Mordy, Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fifteen years ago)

It is exceptionally essential.

― kissogram powers (Abbott), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fifteen years ago)

one month passes...

Revive in honor of Father's Day!

― kkvgz, Friday, 18 June 2010 20:34 (fifteen years ago)

hahaha

― Mexico, camp, horns, Zappa, Mr. Bungle (Matos W.K.), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:25 (fifteen years ago)

much love, Matos.

― Filmmaker, Author, Radio Host Stephen Baldwin (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:34 (fifteen years ago)

seven months pass...

Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Saturday, 29 January 2011 17:54 (fourteen years ago)

My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.

― Rotating & Blunders (MintIce), Saturday, 29 January 2011 18:32 (fourteen years ago)

two years pass...

Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.

― HAPPY BDAY TOOTS (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Sunday, 24 February 2013 21:52 (twelve years ago)

ty, this was special

― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:25 (twelve years ago)

all-time

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:26 (twelve years ago)

For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...

― Mark G, Monday, 25 February 2013 07:47 (twelve years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y

― Milton Parker, Monday, 25 February 2013 19:29 (twelve years ago)

five months pass...

Just doin' my civic duty.

― HOOS next aka won't get steened again (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 02:10 (twelve years ago)

----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally

― albvivertine, Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:18 (twelve years ago)

best thread

― freelance helgenberger (get bent), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (twelve years ago)

You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:
2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."

If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)

― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (twelve years ago)

His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.

― carlos danger zone (mh), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:20 (twelve years ago)

Oh yes of course.

― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:29 (twelve years ago)

This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!

― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:30 (twelve years ago)

all-time

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 05:03 (twelve years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

― brotha george lynch hung (how's life), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 17:31 (twelve years ago)

one year passes...

still classic

― Roz, Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:51 (eleven years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.

― Okay, there's lil' Zipper again (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 27 August 2014 16:21 (eleven years ago)

"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 09:58 (eleven years ago)

The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.

― post...aftermath (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 14:22 (eleven years ago)

yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.

my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.

anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?

― I dunno. (amateurist), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:48 (eleven years ago)

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)

― Ludo, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:51 (eleven years ago)


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