I hate it. Yet I eat it. Why?

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Right now, there is a box of waffles in my freezer. There's always a box of waffles in my freezer. I can be out of everything else - bread, cheese, milk, eggs, soda, crackers, soup, lentils, TV dinners, spam, cookies, or vegetables - and I can rest assured there'll be at least six frozen waffles left in my freezer, because I never eat them.

And yet, for some reason, every once in a while (almost always around 3 in the morning) I look in the freezer, notice the box of waffles and decide to eat a couple. This isn't just because there's nothing else to eat: every time I do this I silently think to myself, "Maybe this'll be the time I actually like waffles!" Because, even though I have this vague memory of liking waffles when I was young, whenever I eat one nowadays I never really enjoy them much. I've tried toasting them and not toasting them, using a lot of syrup, a little syrup, no syrup at all, with butter and without butter and even with jelly, and I still feel like there's something wrong.

So, am I just doing something wrong, or are waffles really a dud?

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Saturday, 24 May 2003 10:50 (twenty-two years ago)

The only item in my freezer just now is a box of waffles. I don't know what it's doing there either.

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Saturday, 24 May 2003 11:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Did the waffles you think you remember enjoying as a kid come out of a box in the freezer? Maybe that's the problem.

― Stuart (Stuart), Saturday, 24 May 2003 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Waffles are pretty horrible and sickly. Potato waffles are nice though.

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 24 May 2003 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

What about waffle fries from Chik-Fil-A? I think they're bland and should be seasoned like Arby's curly fries.

― Stuart (Stuart), Saturday, 24 May 2003 12:37 (twenty-two years ago)

waffles are great! keep trying.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:05 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been eating waffles every morning for the last 3 years. (I get up at 4 = too brain-dead to have variety.) I get the cinnamon kind; they're a little sweet and don't need anything extra (less prep time is good). But try honey; that's nice.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:09 (twenty-two years ago)

But yeah, I do the same thing, particularly with more exotic foods. I get it because it looks fun and then I never get a chance to prepare it and suddenly I've got a can of pakoras that's a year old = fear.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Canned pakora?

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:11 (twenty-two years ago)

waffles take up too much room.

― hristov (hristov), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:11 (twenty-two years ago)

now you see my fear, dastoor.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:13 (twenty-two years ago)

"A can of pakoras" - !!!

― Cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:13 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.handibazaar.com/products/_images/pkt.jpg

pakoras in yogurt curry, to be precise.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Canned Indian food is so fucking good. Fear it not--isn't dusty-in-the-back-of-the-pantry-yet-still-edible the point of the whole canning biz?

― adam (adam), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:21 (twenty-two years ago)

yes, but--canned yogurt curry! Yogurt!

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Pah. What about the "yogurt" Pop-Tarts? Why would I want to put yogurt in the toaster? Dairy taken out of its proper context can be threatening.

― adam (adam), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think we have yogurt poptarts here in america. Yogurt still has a slight health-food connotation and kids won't eat it.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think we have yogurt poptarts here in america.

Sure we do. I bought them at Rite-Aid. However the America's Choice brand strawberry/cream cheese "toaster pastries" are better.

― adam (adam), Saturday, 24 May 2003 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Poptarts are HORRIBLE. (Then again I ate them raw. You're s'posed to microwave the shit out of'em, huh?)
Waffles. Which ones do you mean? I think Belgium has a couple of dozen types of waffles. I love the sugary ones topped with hot chocolate. Instant heart-attack.

― nathalie (nathalie), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

um yeah you should microwave 'em. they are nice.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I want some jelly now. No, not jam, jelly.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

um yeah you should microwave 'em. they are nice.

You guys live dangerously. All my Pop-Tarts come with warnings: "DO NOT MICROWAVE." And if the good people at the Pop-Tart Manufacturing Concern think it unwise to microwave their product I will obey.

Also my toaster has a special "Pop-Tart" setting.

― adam (adam), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:30 (twenty-two years ago)

really? OK I haven't had 'em in months but as I recall there was nothing like that. maybe I'm thinking of somethin else.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Pakora poptarts.

― Cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

We can only dream.

― adam (adam), Saturday, 24 May 2003 14:48 (twenty-two years ago)

There's always a box of waffles in my freezer.

haha oh my god me too.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 24 May 2003 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I was just thinking about going out and buying frozen waffles for breakfast.

Send me your waffles.

― Jordan (Jordan), Saturday, 24 May 2003 17:20 (twenty-two years ago)

(ps -- from the title I thought this was a Dan Perry thread)

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 24 May 2003 17:37 (twenty-two years ago)

About oral sex?

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 24 May 2003 17:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Man. A few nights ago I had a dream about blueberry waffles (although in the dream I was making them fresh in a college cafeteria). Then you people start this thread. FABrunch, Washington-area people?

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 24 May 2003 17:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I drank orange juice my whole life, out of habit I guess, til I realized orange juice is just gross unless it's very fresh-squeezed and unprocessed. Now I drink processed and pastuerized grapefruit juice and honestly it's MUCH better.

― Aaron A., Saturday, 24 May 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey, my thread titles aren't salacious! Just my posts! (And my monstrous penis.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 24 May 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

What about that "Fancy A Pint of Dan Perry" thread, then?

― Cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 24 May 2003 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

ho ho ho!

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 24 May 2003 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I had waffles for breakfast this morning. Thanks ILE!!

― Sean (Sean), Saturday, 24 May 2003 19:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey, my thread titles aren't salacious! Just my posts! (And my monstrous penis.)

Has it tried to destroy Tokyo yet? Or tried to carry Fay Wray up the Empire State Building?

― Christine "Green Leafy Dragon" Indigo (cindigo), Sunday, 25 May 2003 00:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Waffles with ice cream is divine. I never even realized Pop Tarts had to be toasted until I was, like, 20. It was the one junk food my mother would allow.

― Carey (Carey), Sunday, 25 May 2003 00:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries and stuff is so good.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 00:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Waffles with crumbled Pop-Tarts on them are even better.

― adam (adam), Sunday, 25 May 2003 02:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Probably.

― adam (adam), Sunday, 25 May 2003 02:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree about non-fresh orange juice, it's just awful. Anyone remember Tang? Or even worse, Sunny Delight? (WORST THING EVER INVENTED EVER, especially if it's the only thing your grandma ever buys)

You guys live dangerously. All my Pop-Tarts come with warnings: "DO NOT MICROWAVE."

When I was 10 I used to microwave ALL my Pop Tarts, and they were really good. Unfortunately, one day I left it in a few seconds too long, and it caught on fire. I haven't tried microwaving em since.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Sunday, 25 May 2003 02:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I love Sunny D, probably because I was never given it as a child because it was like instant hyper activity disorder juice.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd never even heard of Sunny Delight until I moved, probably because delight isn't legal in New England. So now I love it, even with tequila.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I like it, but it tastes kinda... oily to me...

I too have the frozen waffle shame. Every so often I cook one and feed it to the dog.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd never even heard of Sunny Delight until I moved, probably because delight isn't legal in New England. So now I love it, even with tequila.

This sounds lethal. However once I mixed tequila and Orangina with awful, soul-destroying results.

― adam (adam), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:26 (twenty-two years ago)

My "why did I eat this" food is the meatball Hot Pockets. See, okay ... I mentioned on another thread that I didn't eat pizza as a kid. What I'd get instead was a meatball grinder (sub, hoagie, sandwich, spuckie, poboy, call it what you want). Meatball grinders are damned good in the northeast, but in the south ... well, Subway is the best you're going to find, really, and Subway meatball subs taste to me like those frozen meatballs in a pouch.

A Hot Pocket, on the other hand, clearly has the northeastern meatball grinder in mind as its idol, and while it fails utterly to live up to that ideal, it's at least got its heart in the right place. So I'll break down, eat one, grunt, wag my finger at myself, and sigh.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:27 (twenty-two years ago)

The things I've mixed with tequila...they all have soul-destroying results. It's not just the Orangina.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:28 (twenty-two years ago)

This sounds lethal. However once I mixed tequila and Orangina with awful, soul-destroying results.

I can take pretty much any orange-flavored beverage mixed with tequila, as long as the tequila itself is good. I haven't yet tried this with the bubble-tea-esque jelly-fruit drinks from Little Vietnam, and possibly I ... won't, ever.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Among the things I should maybe use up before I move: a large jar which, last year, was filled with pineapple cubes and then filled with good tequila. The tequila tastes like pineapple now. The pineapple tastes like tequila. It's this whole big Reese's thing.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:30 (twenty-two years ago)

No, Tep, it is urgent and key that you try that and get back to me on it, because I've been trying to convince several NYC ILXors that the combination of booze and bubble tea is MONEY MAKING BONZANATASTIQUE and no one believes me.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I have put rum in bubble tea (honeydew flavor) and can testify to its goodness.

― adam (adam), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:33 (twenty-two years ago)

MY THEORY IS PROVEN, WHO IS IN ON THIS BUSINESS?

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Count me in.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Weird related thing: I was seeing this guy recently who told me that bubble tea was "the closest [he'd] ever come to giving another guy a blow job"--thoughts?

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I say that if that's true, I've been doing a lot of things wrong.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

But it's not REALLY bubble tea. It's --

Hang on, I have one here somewhere.

So it's called Cici, and it's in Capri Sun-type pouches with large built-in straws. There's no tea, see, it's fruit juice with bits of Jello in it (this one's peach; I haven't had it, but pineapple was great, except for the bit where it was a little like sucking off a zombie. A pineapple-flavored zombie).

I cannot vouch for combining alcohol with actual bubble tea.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

... strangest cross-post-with-Ally ever.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

BOYS THINK BUBBLE TEA IS LIKE BLOW JOBS--DISCUSS.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:47 (twenty-two years ago)

No, but see, I said sucking off a zombie, because of the whole "I've just sucked a maggot-like squiggly thing into my mouth" sensation. It's not like I think sucking off a zombie is the same thing as blowjobs in general. Christ, if I did, I'd tip more.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Giving zombies a blow job: have you ever thought about this? Discuss!

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:50 (twenty-two years ago)

You have if you've had a pineapple Cici!

Man, I should have never posted till now, I should've delurked with pineapple-flavored zombie blowjobs. I swung too soon.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:52 (twenty-two years ago)

It's like an episode of Sex and the City!

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 25 May 2003 03:56 (twenty-two years ago)

You hear people talk about certain things and think, 'hmm, I want to try that,' and then there are certain other things that you know you never, ever, ever do, and I have been introduced to another of mine tonight.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Now I'm drinking my Bailey's Irish Cream and wondering if it's anything like giving a Leprechaun a blowjob, dammit. I hate you all.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Noooo you don't.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Well okay, no. It's better than thinking "right now, I should be boxing up the video and audio cassettes."

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:17 (twenty-two years ago)

All packing and no play...

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:23 (twenty-two years ago)

my fuc. eat it. hate it.

― Tad (llamasfur), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:24 (twenty-two years ago)

MY THEORY IS PROVEN, WHO IS IN ON THIS BUSINESS?

Me, but only if you call it "Instant Hyper Activity Disorder Juice."

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:25 (twenty-two years ago)

All packing and no play...

... get me to the church on time :)

My apartment is a sea of boxes. There are three nearly hip-height boxes of books I'm giving to a friend who's coming to help me pack my kitchen up tomorrow, probably amidst tears and chicken.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Can't say I didn't try.

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 25 May 2003 04:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Giving zombies a blow job: have you ever thought about this? Discuss!

Well, I have seen purity tests that ask if you've ever had sex with the undead.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 26 May 2003 00:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Holy shit. So this is more common than I thought?

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 01:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Some questions are better left unanswered.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 01:13 (twenty-two years ago)

If by "unanswered" you mean "explored in dept with diagrams", then yes.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 01:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm pretty sure I saw the diagram for this one on that "what to do in a terrorist strike" pamphlet.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 01:27 (twenty-two years ago)

You've been playing far too much Resident Evil if you think our modern terrorists are zombies, Tep.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 01:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Given the above bits of the thread, I don't think I can blame video games for my perception, unless there's a Leisure Suit Larry incarnation I've forgotten about.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 01:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Does this say more about us or about society that a mundane thread about things you never eat but buy anyway became a thread about zombie sex?

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Us, I think.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Tep, at any rate.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:21 (twenty-two years ago)

You're the one who wanted to turn it into universal statements about blowjobs, so mostly I think it says things about you.

(Crosspost: I mean Ally. It might say things about luna, too.)

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I did NOT want to turn it into a thread about zombie blow jobs, you know.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't try to pin your crimes on me. < /Hobbes>

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Nigga please. < /Mill>

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Eat a bag of my fuc. < /Wittgenstein>

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:25 (twenty-two years ago)

You'd like that if we were zombies, wouldn't you?

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Pineapple flavored zombies.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I did NOT want to turn it into a thread about zombie blow jobs, you know.
-- Ally (mlescau...) (webmail), May 25th, 2003 10:22 PM. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

Giving zombies a blow job: have you ever thought about this? Discuss!
-- Ally (mlescau...) (webmail), May 24th, 2003 11:50 PM. (mlescaut) (later) (link)

Ahem.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:27 (twenty-two years ago)

They have to drink wheatgrass juice for that, right? The flavour, I mean.

DON'T BLAME ME FOR YOU DISCUSSING PINEAPPLE ZOMBIE JIZZ, TEP. I MERELY QUESTIONED IT.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:28 (twenty-two years ago)

They actually make stuff that'll flavorize you. So I hear. From ... people. Who tell me stuff.

I only mentioned the zombies, you and luna are the ones who wanted to talk about it.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:29 (twenty-two years ago)

You can't bring up the whole concept and then consider yourself blameless, tiger.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh like you'd have been able to leave something like that alone.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 02:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never once sucked off a zombie, of any flavor, in the presence of a Pope. If I did, would God resurrect a kitten?

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 03:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I like cats that much.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 03:14 (twenty-two years ago)

And what if it was one of those monkey's paw resurrections? Ew, no.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 26 May 2003 03:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow. This thread has gone into a direction that even I cannot support. Why do we have to bring the kittens into this? Damnit, Tep.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 26 May 2003 03:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I didn't ... wait, I brought the kittens into THIS thread, yeah. I think. I was just flipping the when-you-masturbate-God-kills-a-kitten thing. It's not my fault kittens are involved in that!

Damn, I'm like the pineapple-flavored whipping boy, today.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 26 May 2003 03:19 (twenty-two years ago)

If someone could bring this all back around to Pop-Tarts (pineapple zombie-flavored or not) I would be the happiest boy in the world.

― adam (adam), Monday, 26 May 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Pop tarts should be toasted, not microwaved. Those double chocolate ones are okay, but generally they're pretty dud. Sort of cardboard-y.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Monday, 26 May 2003 15:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Pop-Tarts' utter artificiality is what draws me to them. The "pastry" part tastes and feels nothing like any imaginable Earthly pastry and the "filling" is a weird hybrid of jam and pudding that never even comes close to tasting like the PT's advertised flavor (esp blueberry--does anything "blueberry" flavored taste like blueberries?). Also the convenient foilish packaging and flatness make transportation easy, thus ideal for secreting in side pockets of my backpacket before going to work.

― adam (adam), Monday, 26 May 2003 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I was sure this thread was going to be about cheese and marmalade sandwiches.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Or walnuts. Or green salad.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 21:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I was in Chinatown yesterday and saw the pineapple zombie blowjobs in pouches, but they weren't pineapple at all, but grape or mango flavored, and I couldn't bring myself to buy one.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 2 June 2003 18:44 (twenty-two years ago)

*vainly attempts to stifle howls of laughter*

what's even more wrong about this is that bubble tea is so named because of the tapioca pearls involved being called "boba" popularly---this observation being arrived at because apparently the Universal Thought was that the texture resembled a woman's breasts. hence, boba tea. although any derivations which arrive at Boba Fett (zombie or otherwise), you're on your own for.

also, am i the only one who read through this entire thread and came to the conclusion of Dana Plato?

*pauses as tumbleweed blows through not-so-astonishing silence*

...nevermind.

― janni (janni), Monday, 2 June 2003 19:05 (twenty-two years ago)

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