Why Don't People Like You?

i) cos i've made it very clear that i don't like them by being very rude to them. they've got a point, yes.

ii) cos they're mad and jealous of my friendship with someone else. they don't have a point.

iii) cos i've come across as arrogant/standoffish. they have something of a point, it varies from case to case.

i'm not actually aware of all that many people who don't like me though.

Gavin doesn't like me because I'm fast and sharp and witty in conversation and outshine him in his own house in front of his wife, who is constantly harping on at him to "learn how to treat a woman by watching Nick". His wife is friends with Emma.

I can't think of anyone else who doesn't like me, apart from Doomie, and that's a pretty mutual thing.

There have been people in past workplaces who didn't like me because I dared to put my head above the parapet and criticise procedures etc. But fuck em.

To be fair Nick you are sort of formless and I don't really think of you to rate. Ack. You are a 'net creature. I don't dislike or like you.

Not many people tell me they dislike me so it's hard to know. But my guesses would be -

- at work some people dislike me, probably not very intensely but with a vague antipathy, because I'm not particularly sociable and don't join in office jollities and pubgoing. They do have a point and the reason I don't is because I dislike them too, so fair enough.

- on ILX some people will dislike me, maybe because I can be sanctimonious or patronising or pedantic, or maybe because of opinions I have or because of the way I write. I don't have a massive problem with any of those reasons either.

- in 'real life' some people will dislike me because of the way I look - I'm a fat bloke, not exactly handsome, badly dressed and scruffy with it. I think if someone actually stated that as a reason to dislike me I'd be indignant, but I judge on first impressions as much as anyone else, so I can hardly complain.

- I have dislikeable qualities as a person. I can be unreliable, I can be gossippy, I can be absent minded, and those qualities can be taken as being cruel or mean-spirited. I'd be upset if someone disliked me on those grounds but it would be a fair cop.

- Someone might dislike me solely because I'm English, or middle-class, or white, or a man, or some combination of those. I can't really deny any of those but I don't think they're great reasons for disliking me.

I always feel a bit upset if I think someone dislikes me. I feel it most though if it's somebody I respect or like myself. This is probably true of everyone though.

-- deathnight (jfaldf...), August 19th, 2003.

Oh, you'd dislike me if we met.

I can come across as arrogant in certain environments (all maybe!), it varies from being just barefaced wanker style to being a sort of joke.

Teachers/bosses on occasion have not liked me because I tried to undermine them a bit. Most of them deserved it. Some didn't.

Some people probably don't like me because I can be opinionated or vocal and they don't like what I write or the things I want to do, they kind of have a point but not a great one.

I'd say a slightly above average number of people don't like me, but I can be fiercely snobby and so I feel in control of their dislike. < / twat>

At work - similar to Tom. I have a small number of people I get on with in the office, but don't socialize with very much. Most of the rest I ignore and I suspect that they see me as stand-offish and anti-social. They're prob. right - I have an extreme attitude to keeping work and 'life' separate for various reasons and that's the way it is.

In 'real' life - I suspect some friends of friends may not like me much. I know why - I don't try hard enough to get to know people that I don't already know v.well - I tend to concentrate on people I already know. It's part shyness and insecurity (despite generally garralous demenour as some ILXers will have noted) and part laziness. I tend to give up on people who I don't easily 'click' with. I have tried to work on this as I think it's sometimes rude and disappointing to close friends.

ILX - I must have met 40 or 50 ILXers and I can honestly say that there have been only 2 that I didn't like. The others I have all liked LOTS immediately which is odd and not something I can readily explain. Maybe they didn't like me much though?

On the whole I don't really care too much unless it's someone I like/respect. If someone dislikes you there's not much you can do to change their mind and in most cases, so what?

yeah someones hated on me for those same reasons before, he used the "only my friends are allowed" excuse too, and he even went beserk and wanted to beat me up, even though i only ever said one thing about him, and that was a joke and it wasnt even behind his back. i think maybe his hatred for me must have run old and deep.

a lot of people probably hate me though, most of them don't say, and yes probably they do have a point but they never tell me what it is.

I am not aware of anyone actively disliking me in my day-to-day life (I can think of people in the past, and the feeling was generally mutual).

1) I have told them loudly and drunkenly I don't like them (see my mate Suzy's twat ex-boyfriend, he has a very good case for not liking me, though I still think the Good Person balance weighs in my favour).

2) Because of my association with other people they don't like (see a work-type person who resented his new boss who was a friend of mine. I have done everything in my power to avoid teacher's pet stuff and never go over his head, but - and it could be paranoia - I still think he doesn't like me.)

3) Because sometimes I am aware I could come across as some wanky fashion bimbo schweedie, but I think this is probably limited to people in bars/ restaurants/ gigs/ queues for nightclubs.

duane you are the diva of ilx. hahahaha! excellent answer.

Duane's point is good - specifically, I expect there are blokes who have disliked me because they perceive certain women they are interested in to prefer me. Mostly a false perception, I think

It takes alot to really hate someone rather than just find them to have alot of annoying traits or an attitude problem which hampers your liking of them.

It's almost a similar question to say, how many people you see daily hardly know you?

I often stay out of lots of socially bonding activities, like rahing on about women in a sexist way, being interested in what car one is driving, materialistic or career one-upmanship, 'conversations' where certain viewpoints are clearly not welcome (eg. that chart music is worthless or that immigrants are ruining our culture).

So yes, people trying to engage me in that would probably quickly judge from my lack of enthusiasm that I am not their sort of person, and thus would probably be unlikely to like me. I suppose some of them might also deem my non-participation indicative of my feeling superior to them, especially if they felt a bit defensive about being the way they were. And that might make them actively dislike me.

Err, that refers to the conversations, not the unwelcome viewpoints.

Q to thread

- in real life, I'm a moody person who flits constantly between happy extravagant ring-leading wise-cracker and sullen depressive;

- they think my jokes / quips / &c. aren't funny and the fact that other people are laughing causes a weird tension in their brain;

- I could be seen as pretentious (writes [and you've all read my writing], read poetry, Apple Mac loving as sign of exclusivity & elitism) - perhaps I am, well, I don't really know - it's a joke of mine on here in an attempt to defang the word that I openly say I am but in real life I guess I'm relatively normal;

- because I 'always think I'm right' / a know-it-all;

- other people, people who I'm not compatible with I'd say, or are out of my sphere of recognition would dislike me because I'm 'weird';

- I talk about myself a lot / am self-obsessed?

Though, saying this, I'm struggling to think of people who don't like me that I know in real life. (I can think of people who I think / know dislike me on board). Is dislike an oft-voiced response?

my reason for disliking gareth is he is a snob and mentalist, ha ha

I am lazy

I am an intellectual elitest

I am grumpy in online discussions

tee hee

Or, because I try too hard to be friendly and come across a little odd or creepy. I can be overly familiar, and often misuse sarcasm with people I don't know well enough to (and you can't add smileys in real life. Well, you could, but imagine the horror!).

I'm posh and privileged, and I can't resist the opportunity to prove how much I know, forcing my opinions with a little too much arrogance, especially when I can't really back them up under interrogation.

I am fairly open about people I don't like, and I'm sure most of them pick up on this and return the emotion.

X-post - I also forgot about my temper, my snappiness, my impatience. I hate those things about me a lot, and it has led to hurting the people I care about most.

I think the sociable thing comes out of the fact that most conversations do not interest me: cooking, cars, computers...doesn't get much out of me.

I'm hypocritical, narcissistic (always convinced I'm fat/ugly), moody, and like television shows better than movies (this is apparently a harsh negative attribute). I also really like to talk.

I'm probably obnoxious, pretentious, arragant, and annoying as well...but I'll leave it with the above for now.

Kenan--I hate ice cream and chocolate too.

Seriously?

(you're right about the yams though)

oh, let me count the ways:

- i have no volume control, and have a brusque & occasionally profane sense of humour, with little sense of propiety or decorum. These are the same folks who usually don't like my stabbing hooker jokes.

- i'm an entirely intolenrant of pretension, or folks who affect a too-conscious sensitivity. a good amount of being inconsiderate helps out there a lot, too.

- i obsess over my personality defects & failings, usually vocally, e.g. how difficult it is for me to get a date.

- i've complained about wanting to leave ann arbor for the last 3 years, yet have not actually gotten off my ass to do so.

- i'm insecure to the point where I need to constantly make people laugh to feel validated or give myself any sort of self-worth. in group conversation, i try to interject too many bad jokes and annoying comments.

really, i could go on all day, and probably would since i haven't visited my talky-pshrink in several months.

naw, not too much. aside from that (heh), well, i have terrible foot-in-mouth disease, i yammer on about myself way too much, i interrupt, people think i try to be 'weird' on purpose (i don't even think i'm weird), i never do housework.

and cos their boyfriends want me! owwww!

i have little-to-no patience and tolerance for bullshit, pretension, stupidity or people who hold themselves in too high regard.

i am very opinionated about just about everything, but esp. politics and music.

i'm sometimes too quick to tell people off. i've burnt some bridges that way.

i'm usually pretty quiet and reserved, and prefer to hang out with a small circle of friends i know well. this has been misinterpreted as arrogance, aloofness, being unfriendly, etc.

i can be pretty blunt and direct, and overly harsh when i critique someone or their work.

Frankly, I don't like myself very much, and especially when I'm feeling low my self-esteem is very poor, and I end up showing that in a way that can be tedious and whiney.

oh, and Martin, you're cool dude, don't worry.

Er, or rather no liking anyone on this thread. Purity must be maintained.

(ps I like jel)

Also, people might dislike me because I'm a bit hard on them. I'm easily critical, but if people only knew that I'm at least 50 times as hard on myself, maybe then they'd at least tolerate me a bit more.

I guess people who don't like quiet individuals might dislike me as well, because I don't really talk too terribly much IRL. I like to listen more than I like to talk, even to this day and especially if someone's got a good batch of personal stories to tell.

Um, that's it I think.

Among friends, I think I project a bit of misanthropy at people I don't know, which is funny because I can like/get along with anyone once I know them. Much as I hate Ronald Reagan or the Bushes, in all likelihood I'd find some redeeming quality about them in person. It's already hard to hate Papa Bush, he reminds too much of my grandfather (minus the invasions of Panama and Iraq).

My best guesses are:

1. Despite seeming quite cool, I'm preposterously shy, which makes it seem like I'm trying to be very cool.

2. I can seem harsh and rude, if you don't get the joke.

3. Because I'm so shy, I tend not to accept invitations unless they are made over and over again.

4. Because I'm so shy, I tend not to make any invitations whatsoever.

5. A lot of people bore me, and it probably shows.

6. I'm kind of unlikeable (see 1-5).

I spend too much time in my head. I overthink things, and sometimes I convince myself that opportunities exist when they don't, or don't when they do.

I can easily imagine offense from silence, so I end up working myself into frenzys about nothing.

And just when it's important, passive aggressive.

If you REALLY understood why people didn't like you (or if they did or didn't like you in the first place, which is often hard enough to surmise) then it's not likely you'd be so disliked, now is it?

i dont like a lot of people

i am dangerously sarcastic

i am quite opinionated about politics, movies, and music

i argue about everything

(even most of the people i hang out with claim to really dislike me, but who knows if that is true)

For the most part, I think I'm disliked by ex'es and thats usually because they seem to think I am some clingy neurotic idiot. Which I'm not, 90% of the time, they just get the 10% that is that, because they bring it out in me.

Oh, and I make excuses for EVERYTHING. I cant deal with criticism.

But I'm a blast at parties.

http://www.toy-tia.org/industry/publications/blind01/images/activity_musicnlights.jpg ?

http://www.tinkertown.mb.ca/activities/pinwheel.jpg ?

as you can see i am relying on the opinions of those who kindly told me some of my faults. i think they are all talking a load of rubbish and still dont get it when people dont like me.

i probably dislike myself more often than other people do, especially when i make a real fool of myself by doing or saying something utterly ridiculous. well, unless there is a whole batch of 'donna-dislikers' out there that im as yet unaware of.........

so wrong. some ppl will dislike you for the same personality traits that other ppl will like you for.

and the other bit is a lot of people being very, very mistaken and generally paranoid, neither of which is healthy. This thread is the worst of the bunch (why... fancy you, why... like you) because for some reason people seem qualified to answer this question themselves when once again as with the other two threads the only correct source for this information is other people.

I realize there are some outside testimonials quoted in some posts but that doesn't absolve the rest of these comments from inaccuracy and general pointlessness. Sorry to rain on your parade.

sure but there's only so much 'adapting' you can do.

Millar is correct in that these are crappy threads but then again 99% of all threads on ILX are crap. its all 'work relief' for me.

I agree about the self-aggrandizement though.

I've also enjoyed seeing a couple of answers above and thinking "haha, you think *that's* what people don't like about you??"

I don't doubt there are many things people dislike about (say) me that either I haven't picked up on, or have picked up on and have chosen to ignore. But, y'know, upthread I give a fairly honest and onjective view on why *I* think people won't like me. I don't expect anyone to turn around and say "why Mark, that's just not true!" because I've gone for things no-one can really argue with. I'm not looking for sympathy or denial, and I certainly don't expect anyone to be impressed.

I reckon it's often a good thing to be aware of your own faults, even if awareness is neither an excuse nor a deserving plea for absolution.
I guess that 80% of the comments on here are accurate at least in the mind of the person who's saying them. By and large, we are an honest and open community - why suddenly bullshit your friends?

Well done, you got there in the end.

Haha that's exactly why I've enjoyed this thread even remotely. "People don't like me cos I'm so cool and I don't give a fuck YEAH!" uh wrong. ARE YOU ALL PARANOID YET?

My answer on this thread was actually directly off of something someone else said to me about why his gf doesn't like me. Other than that, I have no fucking clue. This is more like "justify why you are so bad" and it's silly but I think the one about "why do people fancy you" is worse.

(btw, all those things I mentioned above are stuff other people don't like about me...the list of stuff I don't like about myself is completely different)

(2nd btw, Millar has a very good point about people who talk about this stuff IRL being rubbish, but, wait, didn't this thread ask specifically "what don't people like about us?"...it's not like we came in here all "oh woah is me", Gareth asked us!)

(Not scare quotes, just direct quotes.)

-- Texas Sam

Sam, never, ever let anyone who hates you wax your bits. Kick her ass by all means, but for God's sake find another beautician before she causes you a world of hot wax pain.

Some women tend to hate me because I'm overly flirty and ingratiating with guys and I come across as dingy and helpless (although for the most part I'm really not. Maybe a little, but not as bad as I seem).

I'm not aware of anyone hating me on ILX, but if they do I would imagine vulgarity + a tendency to ramble on pointlessly about nothing would have something to do with it, I dunno.