Getting your mind off the (horribly recent) big breakup

If you're aware of your finances you just need to sit down and budget so you've got some money to be frivilous with. You could always go through your stuff and sell off any unwanted stuff so you can afford to buy some more things.

I don't know anything about Friendster or AIM, but I know how hard it is when you're trying to heal and avoid contact with yer Ex when they are ALL OVER EVERYTHING YOU DO. You shouldn't allow yourself to be forced off things that you previously enjoyed, but there comes a point when you have to protect yourself and your emotions, and if avoidance is what it takes, then take a break, even if for a short time.

Rediscover your other friends - this is so important. If no one is calling you, then ring up friends that you haven't talked to in a while, catch up. This may be hard if you shared most of your friends, but really. (Though whatever you do, try not to drag your friends into breakup arguments. It's OK to say "I'm feeling blue, I'd like someone to talk to" but it's not OK to try to get people to take sides.)

Also concentrate on making new friends, meeting other people.

Spend time on your hobbies and other interests. This sounds like a dumb suggestion, or possibly overly obvious, but it's really important to keep yourself occupied. Now's a good time to become a workaholic for a bit. Or take a night course or join a reading group or a club or anything like that - it will keep you occupied and introduce you to new people.

If you're creative, then throw yourself into your chosen medium. Take up an instrument, start drawing or write stories or something.

Keep a diary. This is a good place to vent all those emotions that you are going through. If you're tempted to call up or email your ex, write it down in a letter and don't post it. It's easier to sort through your thoughts when you're writing them down. And in a few weeks, months, years, whatever, you can look back, and realise that with the passage of time, things hurt less.

Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself. Be nice to yourself. Especially don't beat yourself up over the breakup.

And remember, it will get better. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, it will get better.

i felt a little better after that.

hook up with as many of your ex's tangential friends/acquaintances as possible, eventually settling on their most favorite musician... that should put your ex in a real emotional pickle.

Last time I had a really bad break-up a buddy of mine treated me to a weekend of jaegermeister'd drunken idiocy at parties where everyone was just enough younger than me that I was kinda-cool-by-default and this really boosted my confidence as well as helped to keep me from dwelling on how that cold-hearted ice-queen had demolished my heart. I don't know if I'd recommend it (cuz sometimes jaeger = sick), but it helped me.

plus, your friends usually come up trumps when you're dumped, which is a big boost.

Wine is sweet and gin is bitter
Drink all you can but you won´t forget her
You talk too much, you laugh too loud
You see her face in ev´ry crowd

That´s the price of love, the price of love
A debt you pay with tears and pain
The price of love, the price of love
It costs you more when you´re to blame

Kiss one girl - kiss another
Kiss them all, but you won´t recover
You´re dancing slow, you´re dancing fast
You´re happy now, but that won´t last

That´s the price of love, the price of love
A debt you pay in tears and pain
The price of love, the price of love
It costs you more when you´re to blame

both parties need to just get over themselves. really.

not to minimize your pain, but sometimes we need to shock ourselves into realizing what really matters and what doesn't. your life will go on; it is but a speed bump. oh and drug-induced sleep is good, too.

and making out with strangers is a good distraction, as well :)

In this case, a nice safe crush is a LOT better than either obsessing about yer ex, or having an awful horrible rebound fling.

< /kate's current obsession >

Choire Sicha also recently expounded on this topic http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/how_to/the_nonexpert_broken_hearts.php

Listening to Andrew WK at 11.
Not drinking too much.

misery

sympathy!

sympathy x1000000

I feel so absolutely awful. this was the one normal part of my life lately. the one sign that despite being sick things were actually okay. and the worst part is it isn't even due to problems really, just the fact that we live far apart and the long distance thing is just too hard.

the long distance thing is just too hard.
qft. sympathy from here too

:( v sad. lots of sympathy to you

Sympathy indeed. And I hear ya re: long distance.

Distance is long.

aw, soz ronan :(

:-( this sucks so bad ronan. hope you're okay. you will be!

empathy
don't get thermo started on long distance :(

Me either aaargh *hides under a desk*

PS sorry Ronan :( I've just gone through a breakup too, is it the season or something, god. I really do empathise.

i just sent out a scorned ex-lover email earlier today. always an awful idea.

Sorry to hear it Ronan. You probably can't even get drunk either, with all the other stuff going on. I know this isn't much comfort when you are so sad, but at least the breakup isn't nasty. Can you still stay in touch as friends? Or will that be too hard?

I'm sorry to hear this, Ronan.

if its any consolation, my 2.5-yr relationship fell apart like 3 weeks ago and i feel a (little) better even within that short amnt of time. but sympathies!

Srsly did some planets align or something lately? I know so many people who've had breakups in the last couple of months.

wrong distance ugh, i feel for you ronan. at least you won't have to see her/hear about her incessantly because she will be somewhere far away, and you can move on quickly. good luck, sorry.

I'm so sorry to hear about this... I'm sending good thoughts your way.

cheers ronan, sorry

HEY GUYZ SORRY 2 RANT BUT CUT IT OUT EXGF TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD 4 HER CHEETING

BTW Ronan I'm not sorry, it's going to be better for you both in the end. Long distance is dumb and pointless to even attempt unless there is some end to the longdistancedness in sight.

:-( I am so sorry to hear this. Must be even worse when there were no *real* problems (apart from the long distance thing).

i dunno, i phoned the gaffer last night, and i *think* he agreed that that could make this easier, or a transition to friends easier at least.

Ronan, that just sucks. Sorry for you.

aw, ronan: sorry to hear this.

thanks everyone. it's just really sad, we have been together for almost 2 and a half years and we were really close friends for years before that.

i don't feel too powerless or jilted as I know she is just as sad and found it just as hard, she just had to do this for her, she has been very sad about being apart lately. if she was being selfish she wouldn't feel so bad I guess.

we just could have coasted along in long distance seeing each other once a month style indefinitely and I can see how one of us would find it too hard in the end. i almost felt like saying "hey don't knock the coasting along! coasting along has brought great joy to my life in every department!"

mostly now I am just sad because it is the beginning of us being separate people, and even though this is sort of a wait and see thing it is still a split.

also when you are sick for a long time things can be a bit weird in terms of how people see you, like it is your fault or something. it was nice to have something to talk about to show I was doing okay. i know we are still friends and still speaking and stuff but it does seem like the end.

also when you are sick for a long time things can be a bit weird in terms of how people see you, like it is your fault or something. it was nice to have something to talk about to show I was doing okay. i know we are still friends and still speaking and stuff but it does seem like the end.

OTM OTM OTM. Would you like that in Euro, dollars or pounds?

All the long distance talk here is rly depressing me for reasons I'm not going into but ugh ugh.

sorry to hear this

Aww man. Sympathies.

Shit Ronan. Sorry. You're having a really bad time of it at the moment. Mental beers being sent your way. I really hope that things improve asap.

proper and honest sympathies.

time and friends are the best and only cure, to echo very good advice upthread. hope it doesn't take too long.

Ronan! Don't worry about it, you still da man, dude!

:(

Sorry Ronan. Remember when things seem darkest it means it's all about to get better.

Hey Ronan, I'm really sorry to hear this - I had a lot of time for her as you know. Hang in there.

Sorry to hear this, Ronan, it is horrible but it DOES get better, every day. Take care.

Hold on hold on, I want a Ailsa vs Suzy kitty cat fite!

Well, you can't have one.

ILx *is* kind of boring today.

I'm not old enough, sorry.

Alisa, youth has its advantages.

play with this:

http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

FECK

I'm not actually that young, but apparently being 10 years younger than suzy means I am not qualified to know how relationships and break-ups and friendships work. I have also deliberately not responded to her post upthread because I do not want to be part of any catfight, despite my obvious immaturity and high-school mentality.

xpost

Srsly did some planets align or something lately? I know so many people who've had breakups in the last couple of months.

beginning of spring/start of summer.

although erm that's not the case in australia so dunno!!

Aw, I like that Jackson Pollock thing!

Aren't you 30 or older Alisa? At that point being called on your age is like being carded for buying beer: amusing.

Very true. Sorry about the kitty cat fite, it was just a way at poking fun of all the nastiness on ILX.
I also find the age thing quite baffling. That doesn't matter, emotional intelligence does. I mean, shit, you can have a gazillion relationships, 80 yrs old, but still know less than a 20 year old.

Yeah, I am, and yeah, it is.

xpost, yeah, exactly. you'll have to ask suzy the relevance, it was her that brought it up.

i think these discussions should be on a separate thread.

sorry ronan :(

I agree - and thought we had moved on.

Sorry to hear this Ronan :(

may not be over after all. :)

Then we're taking back all our sympathy! (More seriously -- good to hear. :-) )

!!! joy joy joy !!!

I don't know you and I don't want to be a killjoy, but don't get sucked back into something that you know isn't right. Doing that can only cause you both more pain.

I see what you are saying Dan.

It is a difficult situation. But for the moment I'm not sure us both hurting for no reason is a good thing. We know there are problems of being apart but it isn't a good time for either of us to be alone really either. She has probs of her own and I have a chronic illness. Maybe that makes it easier to coast as such or keep a long distance relationship going but neither of us see the sense in ending it now really, when we both felt so horrible.

Is there a possibilty it could not be a long-distance thing in the future?

sort of. it depends on whether we can find a way to reconcile work and stuff. it's not out of the question but requires some discussion.

Dear this thread: ARRRGH. That is all.

Hey Ronan, we rarely interact much here (dunno why really) but over the years, you do come off as one of the good ones. Really hope it all works out for you. :)

Trayce, I'm taking some of the Ronan vibes and sending them your way. No, wait, I'm sending entirely new ones. You seem to be having a rubbish time lately too. It's a shame.

Trayce! Don't worry about it, you still da man, dude!

Oh Trayce, hope everything turns out well eventually. :-(

Ronan, I think it's GREBT. Don't listen to Dan. ;-)

Aawww, sorry, ronan and trayce. Don't forget the 3 Ts: Things Take Time.

hopes things work out, ronan.

Aw thanks a lot Kim. Yes I always think you seem one of the stalwarts too! It's a big place here, people get lost.

Hopefully things work out now. We are going to go away somewhere probably and see how that goes.

Aw Ronan, I hope it works out for you.

Hope you feel better soon Ronan, whatever happens.

i really hope it works out for both of you too, but would echo some of the concerns.

ah, but you kids, eh? can't tell ye anything.

best of luck.

BE CAREFUL. Unless the problems have gone away they need dealing with, quickly. NB I am the worst person in the world at dealing with problems.

Ronan, I think you're absolutely doing the right thing - if both of you are miserable for no good reason, then breaking up was the wrong thing to do. But I think, from what you're saying, that there is a good reason i.e. that neither of you are happy with the long-distance element of your relationship. And in order to not just fall into the same problems as before, you need to be sure that you're together because you want to be together, not because you don't want to be alone. Make sure you are either equipped and ready to deal with the long-distance element of your relationship and the problems that will inevitably crop up again, or make plans based on when it won't be long-distance any more to give you more focus on why it will get better and why it's worth saving.

Good luck!

ailsa very insightfully OTM!

Yes indeed, kerching!

live together, die alone?

http://home.worldonline.nl/~eherni/lost/jack.jpg

Is your girl an Other, Ronan? Watch out.

an Other girl, another planet

ailsa just explained the distinction between incident management and problem management, to use ITIL terminologies.

u dumped http://controlledlabsforum.com/images/smilies/gay%20smilie.gif

20 minutes ago! although not that disastrous, one of the 'mutual consent' thingummies.

any other irons in the fire?

chester city have expressed a mild interest

sorry to hear it bro

hey, it's not that bad. we pretty much agreed that i wasn't particularly interested, and that my only error was not breaking up with her before not seeing her for two weeks, in which case we'd have both been able to go our own ways sooner. still time for one final romantic encounter, mind, the gory details of which i shall spare you. there's a few other girls i actively fancy, so i'm far happier like this. at least i didn't cheat on her or do something similarly asshole-ish. all very cordial, like.

that was meant for ronan

xpost

but then i read the rest of the thread and it seems there's hope, which is good!

it is perfectly ok enrique; ronan is the one who needs our encouragement and solidarity; from what i've read here it looks like he's been going through a horrible time, something nobody should have to experience. keep going old boy!

BAN LOUIS JAGGER 2007

aha mr. miller, i see the wheel has turned full circle and you have decided to hate me again, excellent. no amnesty for blue jam love?

INT. DR. GUGGENHEIM'S OFFICE DAY

A paneled room with wooden floors, an old electric fan in
the windowsill, and paintings of ducks and geese on the
walls. Dr. Guggenheim is seated at his little oak desk. Max
sits across from him and in an antique leather armchair.

DR. GUGGENHEIM
We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic
probation.

MAX
(pause) And what does that entail ?

DR. GUGGENHEIM
It entails that if you fail another class, you are going to
be asked to leave Rushmore.

MAX
I see.
(raises an eyebrow)
In other words, I'll be expelled.

DR. GUGGENHEIM
Right.

Silence.

MAX
Dr. Guggenheim. I don't want to tell you how to do your job.
But the fact is no matter how hard I try, I still might
flunk another class. And if that means I have to stay on for
a post-graduate year, then so be it. But if --

DR. GUGGENHEIM
We don't offer a postgraduate year.

MAX
Well. We don't offer it yet.
(pause)
And what about the fact that I'm probably dyslexic?

DR. GUGGENHEIM
You're not dyslexic.

MAX
Well, I'm a terrible speller.

DR. GUGGENHEIM
Just bring up the grades.

Max sighs. He looks out the window and says quietly:

MAX
Do you remember how I got into this school?

DR. GUGGENHEIM
Yeah, I do. You wrote a play.

MAX
That's right. A little one act. And my mother read it and
felt I should go to Rushmore. And you read it, and you gave
me a scholarship, didn't you ?

Dr. Guggenheim nods.

MAX
Do you regret it?

DR. GUGGENHEIM
No, I don't regret it. But I still might have to expel you.

Max nods. He smiles sadly and whispers:

MAX
Couldn't we just let me float by? For old times' sake?

DR. GUGGENHEIM
(grimly) Can't do it, Max.

:(

:( here, too...

MY GREAT "SOLUTIONS"

-scotch
-overwork

rushmore zing still oddly satisfying

Aw Geeta :(

Geeta, that's rubbish. Sorry for you.

Oh Geeta, lots of huggelz. :-(

revive...this time maybe permanent.

not sure how I feel. felt a lot worse the last time. am waiting to feel awful but so far okay. so many problems of location and future and stuff that maybe it's for the best. and all very amicable and carefully done.

:-( Hugs. Really.

Aww, there there buddy. (no sacrcasm)

sorry, pal.

concentrate on the things that are going well in your life (work? friends? creative pursuits?)

in contrast, i've been going thru hell in several aspects of my life, my marriage is about the only thing successful lately and that gives me solace, i'm sure you have good things going on that will get you thru this, esp. if the break was amicable and not some horrible betrayal

sorry guy

it's probably for the better, and by the way you describe how you feel i get the feeling you know this. NEXT

Usually you get that sinking feeling a few days later. When you have to "adapt" to the being single part. Ronan, I know you're also having a hard time healthwise and also in regard to work. It sounds trite (?) but it will get easier in time. :-(

sorry ronan.

at least the timing of the new pro evo and FM2008 is a good one

yes! exactly. and workwise things not so bad, most likely have a bookstore job to keep me going while I look for an actual career.

it is sad for both of us, but I think we know it's best.

sorry to hear it ronan.

sidebar: does nine months still count as 'horribly recent'?

Time is irrelevant.

if it still gnaws, it's recent

(Which conflicts with my prev statement, I'm aware.)

Ugh. Five months...not a long time, but man I was thinking I had something here that could go even further. Didn't know all the time beneath the surface she wasn't completely happy - everything seemed great. But we both made the right decision.

We're going to stay friends, but it's going to be tough making that transition at first. All the things we won't be doing as a couple anymore...no beneath the sheets conversations and bonding. No sweet kisses at the end of a date.

But I'll be ok. And hopefully will learn from this...that I need to make a lot of changes in my own life.

Was the sullen act just her way of accelerating things to the endgame?

yea. she wasn't real good about being forthright about things but it was obvious something was wrong...just not clear what. So when I asked, I found out.

:(

It's funny that when I thought about how I might take this happening as a hypothetical in the past, my reaction was that I'd feel crushed.

Now certainly, the last two days have been rough and I am down about it, but I feel better than I imagined...probably due to closure. Eventually, I'll stop being so introverted so I don't wind up being told I don't share enough of myself (which was the main reasoning for this one falling apart).

Its also possible she was having second thoughts when things kicked off, and as they got more involved, she was less able to deal with backing off, til it got too involved, you know?

A friend of mine did that to a girl - let it shamble along for almost a YEAR before he broke it off, damn that made me cross.

:-( Why didn't she tell you all was not well? :-(

Dunno. It's kinda ironic she would cite lack of communication from me as a reason to break things off whilst not doing it herself.

Well, we got back together two days later, but have been more quiet about it...:)