How can you tell you're in a Hollywood movie?

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1. All lectern microphones give a brief burst of feedback just as soemone starts to address an audience.

2. You are in a chase somewhere in Europe, and someone upsets a fruit stall.

3. whenever you do something innocuous like brushing your teeth for more than ten seconds, someone is about to surprise or kill you.

4. Explosions in space are clearly audible.

5. All English eccentrics are not simply annoying; they are murderers.

6. You can crash through plate glass without being cut to ribbons.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:49 (twenty-two years ago)

7. you can hack into top secret computer systems in moments

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:53 (twenty-two years ago)

8. you have a soundtrack featuring sting

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:54 (twenty-two years ago)

9. your name is "radio"

― s1utsky (slutsky), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:55 (twenty-two years ago)

10. You can see Harvey Keitel's naked ass.

― adaml (adaml), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:55 (twenty-two years ago)

12. You can see Ewan Macgregor's penis.

― adaml (adaml), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:56 (twenty-two years ago)

oops, that should be 11

― adaml (adaml), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh well - 11. You can see Heather Graham's tits.

― adaml (adaml), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:57 (twenty-two years ago)

12. you see midgets a lot

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:57 (twenty-two years ago)

13. Roger Ebert keeps giving you the thumbs up.

― adaml (adaml), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:57 (twenty-two years ago)

14. you have an "arc"

― s1utsky (slutsky), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:58 (twenty-two years ago)

15. All speeches by politicians begin, "And so, in closing..."

16. You cease to need to reload your weapons

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:59 (twenty-two years ago)

15. you stroll past an elvis costello-burt bacharach duet at a cafe

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:59 (twenty-two years ago)

18. you are sympathetic

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Monday, 13 October 2003 04:59 (twenty-two years ago)

19. You get into a helicopter and you know how to operate it.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:00 (twenty-two years ago)

20. You are stunningly gorgeous yet have dim romantic prospects

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

20. Your wacky hippy friend keeps getting killed.

― adaml (adaml), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

22. Your romantic prospects improve after 15 minutes!

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

23. Your only black friend also keeps getting killed

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

(first)

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

24. You can park anywhere in busy downtown Manhattan right in front of where you need to be, without having to look for a parking space, or pay for the meter.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

25. You hear "Born to Be Wild" every time you approach a motorcycle

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

25 old white ladies and Warren Beatty rapping is hilarious

― jones (actual), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:03 (twenty-two years ago)

26. There is no paperwork to fill in.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:04 (twenty-two years ago)

27. Someone's always yelling "Hang on!" at you

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:10 (twenty-two years ago)

especially when it's glaringly obvious that not hanging on would result in certain death

― rob geary (rgeary), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:11 (twenty-two years ago)

27. You sit at a table in an eatery, order something, talk for thirty seconds and then leave without receiving, eating or paying for your meal.

28. Not being in an atmosphere, doesn't stop you banking your spaceship like a plane.

29. Everything done on a computer takes a hundred or so frenetic but apparently random keystrokes.

― lint (Jack), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:11 (twenty-two years ago)

30. Looking through binoculars appears as two obvious circles with black around them, instead of just a zoomed in scene.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 05:13 (twenty-two years ago)

31. Your friend summarizes what has happened even though you already know all about it..

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:07 (twenty-two years ago)

32. Your fat, ugly friend is neither fat nor ugly.
33. The scientist who helps you defeat the enemy is a Victoria Secret model.
34. You have an enemy.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:09 (twenty-two years ago)

35. Foreign people all speak English.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:10 (twenty-two years ago)

36. You never get shot. And if you do, it's in the arm.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:13 (twenty-two years ago)

37. The person who killed your wife/girlfriend/fellow detective was not just any thug. Oh no, he was the head of an elaborate drug ring.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:14 (twenty-two years ago)

38. Act one ends in a chase scene. Act two ends in a chase scene of previously unimagined proportions. Act three ends in a chase scene which ends in a shootout.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:16 (twenty-two years ago)

39. Damage to your car is repaired by the hand of God.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:17 (twenty-two years ago)

40. If you have to shoot people, there are never any consequences legally.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:18 (twenty-two years ago)

41. The fat kid in your class is funny.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:19 (twenty-two years ago)

42. You murder your abusive husband, and there is no criminal investigation.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:19 (twenty-two years ago)

43. Your spouse has a secret life you never suspected.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Holy shit, I AM in a Hollywood movie! What am I doing on the internet?

― TOMBOT, Monday, 13 October 2003 06:20 (twenty-two years ago)

44. You are on the internet, and all you see is large graphics and text visible from five feet away. Also, you are using a MAC.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:21 (twenty-two years ago)

44. Everyone has a nickname.
45. You aren't rich, but you're house was designed by IM Pei.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:21 (twenty-two years ago)

your, obv

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:21 (twenty-two years ago)

46. If you have a job other than cop, it is lousy. Otherwise, you don't have a job.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:23 (twenty-two years ago)

47. Gang members break out into a choreographed song and dance routine.
48. You hear music for such routines even though there are no speakers around

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:24 (twenty-two years ago)

49. No one is ever at a loss for words.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:26 (twenty-two years ago)

50. Your wife wears make-up to bed.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:26 (twenty-two years ago)

51. When you have new mail, a large flying envelope flies all over your very large screen in 3d. And your connection never drops or doesn't work.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:27 (twenty-two years ago)

52. You have a friend named Moose.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:28 (twenty-two years ago)

53. You have L-shaped sheets - the short half for the man to show off his nekkid chest, the long half for the ladeez modesty.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:28 (twenty-two years ago)

(fuck, i already covered the nickname thing, didn't i?)

haha trayce---also, you always put the sheets over you and put back on your underwear immediately after gettin' it on)

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:30 (twenty-two years ago)

wait, that sounds normal... uhh.. *shuts up*

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:32 (twenty-two years ago)

54. College is fun.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:42 (twenty-two years ago)

55. The nerdy girl you made fun of became super-hot over the summer.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:44 (twenty-two years ago)

56. No one EVER goes to the bathroom to have a pee or a crap.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:46 (twenty-two years ago)

56. Your mundane office job is the site of many hilarious hijinks which somehow never result in you getting fired.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:46 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry, make that 57.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:46 (twenty-two years ago)

58. You always hang up the phone without saying goodbye.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:47 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, so wait a minute. How do you tell if you're living in the real world or something? Bcz I swear to God you guys are talking about ME.

― TOMBOT, Monday, 13 October 2003 06:48 (twenty-two years ago)

You never crap, Tom? Blimey.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:50 (twenty-two years ago)

59. Whenever you call someone, they are always there and answer within 1 or 2 rings. Otherwise, they're up to something sinister.

― PlayfulPuppy, Monday, 13 October 2003 06:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I was thinking of posting that too, trayce. Then I remembered Travolta on the can in Pulp Fiction. Though I guess that fits in with rule #3

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean well people DO go to the loo for #1 and #2 et al., incl. me, but every time someone does we use the time while they're away to get in trouble or do something that would otherwise be impossible or very awkward in their presence.

― TOMBOT, Monday, 13 October 2003 06:52 (twenty-two years ago)

PP - hahahaha :D and welcome! ;)

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:52 (twenty-two years ago)

60. Before killing you, your enemy goes into a long diatribe about how nice it will be to finally kill you, giving your partner who you thought was dead just enough time to show up and bonk them on the head with a vase.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Then I remembered Travolta on the can in Pulp Fiction. Though I guess that fits in with rule #3

Ditto whatsisface in Lethal Weapon.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:55 (twenty-two years ago)

61. Whenever you look over your shoulder, there's always some bastard out of sight playing sinister music on a Chello.

― PlayfulPuppy, Monday, 13 October 2003 06:55 (twenty-two years ago)

62. Everyone's phone number starts with 555.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:55 (twenty-two years ago)

63. Acne has been eradicated.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:56 (twenty-two years ago)

64. Everyone in high school looks about 25.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 13 October 2003 06:58 (twenty-two years ago)

65. If any of the more mundane rules above are broken, and you're a businessman with a rather expensive and inexplicably shiny car, you are about to lose your job, move to the country and get back in touch with nature. Wacky hijinks with either a squirrel or a bear may ensue.

― PlayfulPuppy, Monday, 13 October 2003 07:00 (twenty-two years ago)

66. You are on edge, walking into an abandoned building, not sure what you will encounter. A cat meows and scares the living shit out of you.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Oops: You forgot to mention the cat is normally hiding in a metal trashcan.

― PlayfulPuppy, Monday, 13 October 2003 07:02 (twenty-two years ago)

67. Even with the lights out at night, it is never completely dark.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:05 (twenty-two years ago)

68. A single candle or match can illuminate an entire house.

― PlayfulPuppy, Monday, 13 October 2003 07:08 (twenty-two years ago)

69. Nobody ever asks you to repeat yourself.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:14 (twenty-two years ago)

70. Nobody interrupts anybody.

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:15 (twenty-two years ago)

71. You don't go deaf after firing off massive amounts of ammo without ear protection.
72. Your gun never jams.
73. Holding your handgun sideways somehow makes it work better because sights are for pussies.

― bnw (bnw), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:21 (twenty-two years ago)

"You see, the Uzi is a good gun for beginners because you don't have to aim. You just spray the area."

http://www.niggazwithhats.com/xtras/1tasty_taste.jpg

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:48 (twenty-two years ago)

74. You think you're in Tuscany,, but it's actually Griffith Park.

― oops (Oops), Monday, 13 October 2003 07:56 (twenty-two years ago)

75. Any of these rules are suspended if the plot requires it.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:17 (twenty-two years ago)

76. Prostitutes are beautiful upper-middle class white girls with no drug or other bad habits, who routinely fall for their customers and are happy to forget their own work and follow the protagonist around.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

77. They are giving away plastic figurines of the main characters in kiddy meals at fast food joints.

― earlnash, Monday, 13 October 2003 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

TOMBOT OTM, most of these aren't even conventions of film but like single instances in specific movies! It's like "473: You meet a 12 year old prostitute and then, when failing at assassinating government leaders to impress Cybill Shepard, you lay waste to the 12 year old's pimp! HAHAHAH HOLLYWOOD!" Also the taking a crap thing isn't even true, because those tend to turn into lengthy "amusing" sequences in bad Sandler/Meyers/Carrey films.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:48 (twenty-two years ago)

78. Dozens of ninjas attack you...one at a time.
79. You, a pencil-pushing desk-job motherfucker, can kick their ass six ways from Sunday.
80. Even when they all have guns and you're armed with only a letter opener.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:51 (twenty-two years ago)

81. scientists are hot

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

except for that guy in Independence Day

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 12:54 (twenty-two years ago)

82. Should you need to hack something, simply type faster.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:01 (twenty-two years ago)

(which is basically point 29, I know, just refined a bit)

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:01 (twenty-two years ago)

when prompted for a password on a computer screen the window will always be huge, pretty and display all lettering in a large futuristic typeface.

also, Hollywood keyboards all have a key that will delete all the data on your computer like that, and they'll flash a big warning on your screen saying 'ERASING DATA' in said futuristic typeface without even saying 'are you sure?' first

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 13:26 (twenty-two years ago)

84. You are a maverick [insert chosen profession] who isn't afraid to break the rules but gets results. Your boss is a haggard, grey-haired gent who should fire your ass but gets by with talking to you in a threatening tone, then sighing as you leave his office.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:08 (twenty-two years ago)

85. You live in a world of shrapnel-free explosions, and what will kill an enemy stone dead in a split second will leave you bloody, grimacing but somehow able to continue moving, fighting and thinking as easily as before.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

86. Your cell phone service has 100% connect rate.
87. If your cell phone battery dies, you throw the phone out the car window.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:18 (twenty-two years ago)

88. If you are a cop, you can park your car in a busy downtown street and leave it unlocked while you go off to make enquiries. It will never be stolen.

― C J (C J), Monday, 13 October 2003 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

89. you can outrun fireballs explosions.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

90. You at some point or another yell out "NOOOOOOOO!"

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:27 (twenty-two years ago)

91. You will probably have 'a bad feeling about this' at some point.

92. When your hair gets ruffled up, in the next shot it will have tidied itself even if you are suspended over an active volcano and have no hairbrush.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:32 (twenty-two years ago)

93. you can tap a police car with your fist and it will dent, nay, explode

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:35 (twenty-two years ago)

94. You smoke.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Rather, you live in LA or NYC and you smoke. Indoors.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:40 (twenty-two years ago)

95. You have a fully-stocked bar in your house. And you never run out of ice.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:45 (twenty-two years ago)

96. You live in New York, LA, or maybe Chicago. Nowhere else.

― NA (Nick A.), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Perhaps you should start the "How can you tell you're in an independent move?" thread.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:49 (twenty-two years ago)

(e.g., you are Parker Posey.)

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

(e.g., you are martin donovan)

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 13 October 2003 15:55 (twenty-two years ago)

(e.g., hal hartley is standing around telling you what to do)

― NA (Nick A.), Monday, 13 October 2003 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

(Nick, you should start it!)
(Anyway, back to Hollywood)

97. You have a buddy.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

98. Your buddy get's taken prisoner by your arch-nemesis and is used as bait in a trap you walk into knowing full well that it's a trap.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

99. Animals speak English.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

100. You can fall asleep in direct light.

― hstencil, Monday, 13 October 2003 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

101. ...while Moby is blaring for no apparent reason in the background.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

102. Adam Sandler is comedy gold.

― TOMBOT, Monday, 13 October 2003 17:08 (twenty-two years ago)

103. When you're sexing, it's in slow-motion, no one ever falls off the bed or accidentally knocks the lamp off the table with their feet, and smooth saxamaphone music comes out of nowhere.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:11 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never knocked a lamp off a table with my foot while having sex, maybe it's just you nick.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:11 (twenty-two years ago)

ha ha that's like Han Solo "Who you callin' scruffy-lookin'?"

104. You're CGI.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:25 (twenty-two years ago)

105. Somehow things like basketball playing monkeys and dogs and donkeys seem totally normal to you.

― Ally (mlescaut), Monday, 13 October 2003 17:27 (twenty-two years ago)

106. Manhattan/Chicago bear a striking resemblance to downtown LA/Vancouver

― the real whoo, Monday, 13 October 2003 17:50 (twenty-two years ago)

107. The medieval European cosmetic dentistry guild do excellent work.

― felicity (felicity), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Your fantasy of cultural transgression is subsumed back into the status quo.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

109. You always seem to have this need for a big crusty loaf of French bread and some generic leafy lettuce-type thing every time you go to the grocery store.

110. Every time you DO go to the grocery store, you always insist on paper bags, even if most of the supermarkets IRL have gone over to plastic bags a long time ago, and it always looks like you only needed to go in there for maybe one or two bags full of stuff.

111. If you're single and dating, whenever you meet your current girlfriend/boyfriend in a restaurant, it will always be a very expensive restaurant and you will always hear someone playing piano in the background.

112. If you're a male living alone, you will almost never TRULY live "alone". You will instead have a canine or feline companion, who acts as a buddy figure, living with you.

113. You will find it not that unusual to find that, when walking on a busy street, all the females are gorgeous model types and all the males look normal, with some male model types scattered about here and there.

btw, Nick? You live in New York, LA, or maybe Chicago. Nowhere else. -- I'm building you a shrine for this comment alone. Thank you thank you THANK YOU.

― Many Coloured Halo (Dee the Lurker), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:45 (twenty-two years ago)

see also the grand list of these things here:

http://www.moviecliches.com/

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:46 (twenty-two years ago)

114. At some point, you have a female sidekick filled with moxie. (Said female sidekick is often a stripper/prostitute with a heart of gold.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, it's "you live in New York, Los Angeles, and a Chicago that looks suspiciously like Toronto."

― Kerry (dymaxia), Monday, 13 October 2003 18:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I disagree with the living in NY, LA, or Chicago one on the basis of Slacker alone.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 19:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh shit I thought I was in the independent film thread god damnit.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 13 October 2003 19:07 (twenty-two years ago)

115. Everything is really well-lit - even things that shouldn't be, like, say, the inside of a car driving in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM.

116. You get the girl by constantly approaching her and attempting various tacts while somehow not getting arrested for stalking.

― Girolamo Savonarola, Monday, 13 October 2003 19:08 (twenty-two years ago)

117. If you are wearing lingerie and heels and alone in the house, weord noises will begin to emanate from the attic room. If so, get the fuck out, because opening the door will result in: (a) a serial killer with an axe, or (b) cute little mice, causing you to smile at your own foolishness, close the door and turn around to meet the serial killer with an axe.

118. All the creepy phonecalls you get will originate from inside the house you're in.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 13 October 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

eight months pass...

REVIVE! I love this thread, and I think we could use a laff.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 24 June 2004 05:41 (twenty-one years ago)

'9. your name is "radio" '

my dad knows the guy who the movie "radio" is based on. (he works in Anderson, SC where the movie takes place).

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 24 June 2004 06:59 (twenty-one years ago)

and his nickname is indeed radio and has been for many years.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 24 June 2004 07:00 (twenty-one years ago)

119. Hot chicks walk and toss their hair in slow motion.

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 24 June 2004 07:02 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

120. When you discover a dead body, you hurl, but only if you are a good person.

― felicity (felicity), Saturday, 25 March 2006 05:15 (nineteen years ago)

121. All intelligent lifeforms in the universe use the same operating system you do.

― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Saturday, 25 March 2006 05:30 (nineteen years ago)

122. Nuclear weapons can go off in close proximity to you without any radiation side-effects.

― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Saturday, 25 March 2006 05:34 (nineteen years ago)

123. You're being paid an obscene amount of money. Also, you're an actor.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Saturday, 25 March 2006 05:55 (nineteen years ago)

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