only children, C or D?

I am one, of course. I don't know, I learned how to entertain myself and probably read a lot more books than I would've with bruvvers and sisters running around.

(I am, unsurprisingly).

On the other hand I know only children who are nothing like this.

but you know what i mean

On the whole, pop psychology is bollocks, but the thing about dating people in the same place in the family order (also, large family/small family) is actually quite sensible.

Even if, as only children, you may have very different routines, it's moot that your routine is your own, and the other partner shouldn't f@ck with it.

When it comes to wanting privacy, living your own life, getting parental love, etc., being an only child rocks. When it comes to taking care of parents, taking responsibility when things go wrong, playtime as a child, etc., only childhood can be a lonely road indeed.

When I was a young girl and a young teen, I really wished I had siblings. I thought of how cool an older brother or sister would be, or how nice it would be to be an older sister. Then, when I was 15, I realized I was so used to this way of being that I didn't want siblings anymore. Now, I kinda wish I *had* some sibling assistance with certain things, but it's far too late for those things at present and all the really tough and difficult things I've been able to handle as an only child anyway so I can take it from here very well thank you very much. :)

I heard only children relate best to other only children and eldest children, btw, and that all of the qualities associated with eldest siblings also apply to only children. Hm.

see i don't believe this is true at all, but then i don't have that wide a survey to call on

Same here. I wish I had some cousins sometimes. People that kinda looked like me and had the same last name and were the same age maybe. I may not be an only child, but my sister and I are only-grandchildren, if that makes any freaking sense whatsoever.

Another reason to date me. Oh, wait.

Well, no statutory rape charges in that case.

http://www.empresasintegral.com/sp/arte/integral.gif child dx

Only child - dud.

Those of us males who have met you at FAPs thank you.

Math geekage! You're one of my people!

Oh yeah, and I'm not spoiled, despite the general, overall trends to think I might've been. Being spoiled while also being raised by the parents I had/have was and is just not going to happen. :)

this was cool because I had more video games growing up

otoh I think it makes me a lot more content to just be by myself

bfs (mostly) an only child & he tends to be kinda inflexible

like it never really occurs to him that he shld get stuck doing something he doesnt want to just bcuz

guilty as charged ;_;

I am an only child. I never really wanted siblings as a kid but as I get older I wish that I had some. Otoh I know plenty of ppl who barely even speak to their siblings so who knows.

i am an only, never really desired sibs

here, dud

in part why I had two

Supposedly I asked my mom once if I was going to have any. She said no and I never asked again. ¯\(°_0)/¯

my sister & i get along really well but never really spent a lot of time 2gether as kids and have never lived in the same place for any extended period of time. mostly i think its just nice to have someone that "gets" how retarded the rest of your family is

Yeah see that's what I sort of wish I had. My parents are also way too up in my shit and put a lot of pressure on me because there is nobody else for them to focus on. :/

edward otm, if/when I have kids I'm definitely having at least two, an heir and a spare

lol

being an only child also means your parents looked at you and were like "ew never again"

hahah if only that were the reason

otoh as an eldest child theres always the sneaking suspicion that they evaluated your first few years and thought "we can definitely do better"

i am an only child and we are mad dope.

: )

:D

Dayo, on the other hand, maybe they realized once they had you that they'd already achieved perfection and didn't need any more. ;p

:}

ive always thought the whole self-absorbed selfish only child thing is really weird because at least for me, the points where as a mostly alone child i found a connection w/other people have generally led to a real whole hearted embracing of people i selected as friends - i guess that in some ways not having a built in peer structure or whatever led me to believe that peeps that i felt an affinity for were particularly special and worthy of attention. there were def times in my teens where i was a narcissitic cock, but thats called being a teen really? idk, there was always something kind of special and amazing about finding kindred spirits and i tend to go kind of overboard (sometimes to my detriment) when that happens. prob explains why most of my closest friends are people ive know since jr high/high school.

did i mention that i am totally awesome?

Who are you again?

maybe they realized once they had you that they'd already achieved perfection and didn't need any more

otm

like i said in an older post, i was pretty much raised an only child, since my brother didn't live at home most of the time. it was nice and quiet. i got to spend a lot of time with my own thoughts.

I feel like every only child I know uses their only-childness as a psychological explanation or insight into their current personality, which would be one thing if there was any consensus about it, but there usually isn't.

maybe they know how it affected them. i know how having siblings affected me but there is no consensus about it, doesn't mean it isn't an explanation

there doesn't have to be a consensus, it can affect each person in different ways

self-analysis in general is dud. i'm an only child and i suck at life. but i know plenty of other only children who excel at life.

i know how having siblings affected me

I guess that's the thing is I don't really think about how having a sibling has affected me? But I suppose that's because it's more common.

would not want to be an only child

seems lonely

I dunno, I just think about how some people will point to their being an only child as a definitive explanation for their being a certain way. But obviously it's more complicated than that, and the fact that it does affect people in different ways underscores that point.

i don't think anyone thinks it's "definitive"

like i said in an older post, i was pretty much raised an only child, since my brother didn't live at home most of the time.
maybe as a child, but only a real only child would have to deal with the death of one or both parents completely alone.

being an adult only child has very different challenges from being a child only child.

everybody's alone

you're right about that, uh oh i'm having a fantasy

if i was gonna have a kid i would have to have more than one

everybody may be alone, but if you have siblings maybe someone can help you clean out your parents' house when they die/move out of it.

i have rarely rejoiced as much about children as when my friends have their second. their first is fine, but i am always secretly hoping they'll have a second.

are you standing in the hospital all like "Seconds!"

I prefer leftovers to seconds

yeah i think of my siblings as more like genetic leftovers

As with everyone, it all hinges on what kind of parents you get. My mom thinks only children should be illegal because my dad and his parents were ALL onlies and she felt like social skills were missing from there. Two of my cousins are onlies and they've had a very hard time with their parents; of my friends/colleagues it runs the spectrum from normal/untroubled to hothoused to ruthless sociopath who never learnt to share.

sometimes cold pizza is better though

(i thought you were talking about the rock hudson movie SECONDS where he's in a hospital and it's sort of like that too)
http://www.cinemaretro.com/uploads/secondshudson.jpg

honestly? I was never lonely and being an only child meant that I got to experience a lot of things that I probably wouldn't have had I had siblings. The cleaning house thing when parents' move/die is funny but aging parents is pretty much the only reason I wish I had a bro or sis. It's a lot of pressure to deal with on your own.

It really bugs me when people attribute certain personality traits to only children esp since they're usually negative ones. The thing I get most often though is ppl being surprised upon learning that I don't have any siblings.

see i wouldn't imagine JJ as an only child

"Oh, I wouldn't have guess you were an only child!" - said as if it's the most horrifying thing in the world to be.

x-post

errr guessed

there was always something kind of special and amazing about finding kindred spirits and i tend to go kind of overboard (sometimes to my detriment) when that happens.

yes yes yes

I always wanted an older brother. My mom would tell me all the time that at this point that would be impossible so I made a bunch of stuff up and never broke any bones. I never dated an only child and some how I think it would be weird.

Gawd I do not even want to think about what to do with my parent's (I have 4) affairs and belongings when they die.

I am an only child but for some reason a couple people have been like you seem like you've had an older sister

lol That's very . . . specific.

yeah I have no idea what that means

yeah enbb basically otm, now that i'm thinking i know plenty of only children and their personalities are as diverse as ppl with siblings

also I think the whole conceit around this thread and concept or whatever is kinda stupid because you live like you know how to live and that's what life is to you

Gawd I do not even want to think about what to do with my parent's (I have 4) affairs and belongings when they die.

Mine are still alive but what I worry about is like what if they get sick and all of a sudden I have to make really important decisions completely on my own. That is kind of heavy. I probably just worry too much.

he cleaning house thing when parents' move/die is funny but aging parents is pretty much the only reason I wish I had a bro or sis. It's a lot of pressure to deal with on your own.
it's not funny to me :( i worry about it all the time.

Men with older sisters have frequently already been beaten into shape before girlfriends get to them. Plus they're way less likely to freak out about, like, the fact that tampons exist in this world.

x-post Oh sorry la lech it was the way you put it was sorta funny but I was actually agreeing with you. That is the sort of thing I think about all the time.

i am gonna make my sister deal with it, on her own

i was trying to lighten the mood because when i think about this, it feels REALLY GRIM

Yeah it's pretty scary. My parents were already pretty old when they had me (the main reason I'm an only, I think) so they're getting up there which means I think about this stuff more frequently. :/

ah i just realized i'll probably be like 60 or 70 when my parents die

enbb me too. add a bone marrow disease my mom refuses to talk about, and possible burgeoning alzheimers and you have a thing i am constantly putting at the back of my mind because it's too much to think about.

i have maybe 5-10 yrs before this really gets weird

Mine are still alive but what I worry about is like what if they get sick and all of a sudden I have to make really important decisions completely on my own. That is kind of heavy. I probably just worry too much.

I have been thinking about this more and more recently as they are getting older and I hear about doctors appointments more often. A hilarious situation would be for me to put them all in the same house, a guest house behind mine perhaps (in my dreams I am wealthy enough to own a home AND have a guest house), and make them be roommates. Could be a reality tv show or something, but not a very interesting one because I think they would get along.

can't you guys just come up with some imaginary friends or some other only child shit

HA HA HA anyway i taught myself how to ride a bike, walk on stilts, and make balloon animals
why?

only child

Yeah La Lech, 5-10 sounds about right for me too. TBH I try not to think about too much right now because I get stressed when I do and I figure that it'll be enough to deal with when that times comes so might as well save it for then. This is, of course, easier said then done.

Oh I had an imaginary friend! Her name was Julie and she had a friend named Cornstarch. Yeah, I don't know either.

I had 7 imaginary friends who were all bunny brothers and sisters... I was also a bunny. my name was... Funtown.

omg that is the greatest thing I have ever heard

FUNTOWN

I really wanted siblings

yeah but real siblings aren't bunnies, sometimes they beat you up or fart on you and stuff like that

sometimes they go through your stuff and tell your parents stuff about you ;_;

i'm still mad

a bunny would never pull a dick move like that IMO

my cousin farted on me once.

my brother used karate on me

it only made you stronger
bunnies don't make you stronger

although i do like them a lot

FUNTOWN

sorry but that is so cute!

Also everyone else is right. Sometimes siblings suck and you might have ended up with some real assholes so maybe it's not that bad afterall.

after all rather

Most only children i've met have been spoilt and sore losers!

most people i've met have been spoilt and sore losers tho

^ truth bomb

i have a sister who is 7 years younger than me, enough for me to basically feel like an only child since I've never had much to do with her and we barely speak (and are fine with that). It's looking like my son will be an only child since illness intervened in our lives and it is doubtful that we can have any other children; what's weird is taht we were so on the fence about another kid, and now that we know we probably can't have another one, it seems horribly sad and unfair to him for all the reasons people talked about above (the 'having to deal with us when we die' thing).

I feel like every only child I know uses their only-childness as a psychological explanation or insight into their current personality

Maybe this is because people go "oh, you are an only child, that is why you are like you are" so often that we start to believe it?

(have heard this a bunch of times - ps, if you think your expert people skills entitle you to tell people you barely know "oh by the way, about you being a spoilt sociopath...", maybe you're in a glass house)

xposts. aww akm :(

I literally don't know a single only child irl who isn't a spoiled sociopath though

I literally know several only children in real life who aren't spoiled sociopaths though

that doesn't include me though :/

I literally don't know a single only child irl who isn't a spoiled sociopath though

Hm. Do you know the number of siblings of everyone you deal with? I don't. Maybe there are some OK ones out there you just haven't announced "are you an only child? because you're weird and have no social graces" to. Or maybe we should all have been drowned at birth.

I'm an only child, my dad was an only child, my grandpa was an only child, AND my daughter is an only child. We rule.

BTW, people who say things like "interesting" and give me pseudo-judgmental looks when I tell them we're only having one child can fuck right off. I'm not a farmer for god's sake.

I doubt my own ability to keep my involvement with a single offspring at a healthy level of interfereingness. I think there have to be at LEAST two to keep me too busy to meddle.

I've also noticed that only children tend to become inordinately defensive when confronted with the fact that they are spoiled sociopaths

v scientific

i was one for like four five years before my parents adopted two girls. it was nice, hard to imagine what my life would have been like without them. definitely would have played a lot more videogames

wau @ Dan I.

Most people I've met who rail against only children usually privately confess that they wish they were one.

I'm glad I don't have insane family-ruining siblings, but seriously? I am envious of people when they say things like, "But she's my SISTER." No one would forgive me for anything because I am her sister. This is a problem too because I am a huge spoilt sociopath.

is it true that only children secrete a special venom from underneath their nails that helps incapacitate their prey

only when you cross us

Who let you in on our secret!?

uh-oh

we're too selfish to even share venom :(

Only children did 9/11

Only children are responsible for climate change as well.

ornery children killed kennedy

That stock market scare the other day, was due to the selfishness of only children

Global financial meltdown? Sociopathic onlies.

enbb me too. add a bone marrow disease my mom refuses to talk about, and possible burgeoning alzheimers and you have a thing i am constantly putting at the back of my mind because it's too much to think about.

― an outlet to express the dark invocations of (La Lechera), Wednesday, May 12, 2010 3:23 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark

yeah :( I also really worry about what's going to happen to my parents in 5-10 years, I already notice my mom getting a little bit slower and not remembering as many things as she used to (tbf though our family situation's gotten a lot more stress-free so maybe it's just due to good times).

this is the spoiled sociopath side of me talking but another thing I've been considering is that I'd basically be cool w/ maybe leaving america for good and living in another country but then who would take care of my parents after they retire?

also when you think about it China is raising a nation of only children we r doomed nice to know u etc.

Dayo that is one of several reasons I moved back to America.

i want a sister

who would take care of my parents after they retire?
would still be you, only plane tix would be more $$$
why bother

"Oh, I wouldn't have guess you were an only child!" - said as if it's the most horrifying thing in the world to be.

this is otm but what's worse is what parents of only children get--like, my mom had multiple miscarriages it wasn't a "plan."

which is another way of saying dan i. you're probably "joking" but fuck off

Yeah Sean, exactly. Mine did too which is why it took so long for them to get around to having me and which is why they aren't any others.

yeah my mom had me relatively late (around 32) but at that time they just couldn't financially support another child after me, and by the time they could, too much time had passed. my mom used to show me the doll she had bought for my hypothetical sister.

oh man 32 is relatively late? I'm screwed. ;p

My mom had me at 40 which at that time was akin to someone having a kid at 50+ these days.

wow! haha I guess it seems everyone I've known was had when their moms were 23-29

lol no, I know that 32 is relatively late. I'm just kidding. I'm 32 now and not in a position to have a kid any time soon and most of my friends are just starting to have some (if they're going to have any) but delayed pregnancy is a lot more common now than it was years ago.

like it never really occurs to him that he shld get stuck doing something he doesnt want to just bcuz

― coining (Lamp), Tuesday, 11 May 2010 13:26 (Yesterday) Bookmark
Umm.
It occurs to us, we just don't think 'because' is a good enough reason to be stuck doing something.

Also, I'm not sure pseudo-only child is a thing, certainly not come Christmas time, or when your mother is sick, or if your family disagrees on anything important.

I'd say classic.

like i said in an older post, i was pretty much raised an only child, since my brother didn't live at home most of the time.
maybe as a child, but only a real only child would have to deal with the death of one or both parents completely alone.

being an adult only child has very different challenges from being a child only child.

― an outlet to express the dark invocations of (La Lechera), Tuesday, May 11, 2010 12:03 PM (8 hours ago)

said brother (half-brother actually) is developmentally disabled/severely autistic and can't function on his own. so i have to deal with all that by myself anyway.

Most only children i've met have been spoilt and sore losers!

not me, because i never lose

i was an only child (am), and i had to deal with the death of my father alone. it fucking sucked.

My mom had me at 40 which at that time was akin to someone having a kid at 50+ these days.

Same age when my mom had me (mom was 40. dad was 50). I do have a brother and sister, but they're 18 and 16 years older than me respectively. The upshot is that I was basically raised an only child.

my mom was 30, which i thought was really old when i was a kid.

I'm not sure I even know any only children. Lol Irish Catholic.

I've had several roommates who were only children--they were complete horrorshows.

(xpost) haha that's funny because my family (3 kids) was an anomaly in our catholic parish where 5 was the rule and in my grade school class alone several kids were one of 10.both my siblings wound up marrying into large (9-10 kids) catholic families. I was always the rebel/iconoclast, so of course my son is an only child.

maybe it's just perceived pressure as a parent of a (so far) solo kid but it feels like our society looks down on parents who have just one kid. kind of weird for a country in a recession.

They do. We have one child because of infertility issues, but even if it was by choice the amount of times I get questioned by people about why I have only one child would get really frustrating. As it is, the question always makes me feel a little bit depressed.

I'm an only child and Jeff is an only child and I get really pissed at people who think being an only child is some kind of horrible tragedy.

Or that only children are doomed to die alone or don't know how to share or are horrible people.

Also people who get up in anybody's business about how many children they have/don't have are dreadful and should be ashamed of themselves.

BTW, people who say things like "interesting" and give me pseudo-judgmental looks when I tell them we're only having one child can fuck right off. I'm not a farmer for god's sake.

― Darin, Tuesday, May 11, 2010 8:19 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

And there's your answer if anybody asks.

i don't have any evidence for this particular challop but i've known many only children who seem to lack social/relationship skills in similar ways to each other, and undeserved self-regard, and i wonder if it's bc they didn't grow up w/ siblings. some of the most psychopathic ppl i know have been only children too.

http://media.heavy.com/media/2013/05/Three-Brothers.jpg

mordy stepping into some dangerous waters here, i just assume that everyone on ilx is an only child

some of, obv my good friends the castros are an exception

That kind of shit is just confirmation bias. Unless you know the sibling count of everybody you interact with and nobody you know with brothers or sisters demonstrates a lack of social skills and undeserved self-regard.

i have a sister and i'm a total asshole

My sister made me the vengeful harpy I am today.

I'm an only child and I'm outgoing, kind, and generous to a fault.

Also, I have a coworker with two brothers who's a self-centered, mendacious, racist jerk.

I think there's a clear trend here.

I know we'll probably eventually have another, but still, god bless people who manage more than one. At times it seems like such a two-person operation just to make sure K is ok.

My sister made me the vengeful harpy I am today.

― ...also i'm awesome (Nicole), Monday, May 20, 2013 5:02 PM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ha! me too tbh

i wonder more about first born children. i mean they develop through infancy and at least some of their toddler years - major masjor development years - as the only child and then boom bye bye attention

the point being that there is so much resentment wrapped up in the upcoming developmental years. ive never met an oldest child who is happier than the youngest child. EVER.

My sister made me the vengeful harpy I am today.

loool

ive never met an oldest child who is happier than the youngest child. EVER.

this is an interesting question

I used to think my eccentricities were on account of my only childhood, but it turns out I'm just like this.

Still, I do still wish I had a sibling to talk to abt my parents. It's not a tragedy or anything, it's just extra hard sometimes. Like everyone's life.

I'm generous and kind though, so at least I treat others well. Usually.

I can't envision Alec Baldwin being more miserable than Stephen but maybe as oldest, he shoulders Stephens burden?

Brian Wilson is pretty bummed out/messed up (I would guess Carl was the happiest of the three?)

dunno about Barry Gibb, he certainly seems to have had fewer problems than his siblings in general

maybe it's just perceived pressure as a parent of a (so far) solo kid but it feels like our society looks down on parents who have just one kid. kind of weird for a country in a recession.

i find this weird too (well, beyond the rudeness of judging another couple for the number of kids they choose to have in the first place) - growing up you take multi-child families for granted, but even seeing second-hand friends beginning to have kids and how much hard work and stress it is, i find myself less and less able to fathom how anyone could have the strength to put themselves through it a second time

feel like we def got "so when are you having another" questions a lot. not that it figured into our final decision v much, but it's pretty obvious how much social pressure there is to bend to the norm. otoh, have more than 3 and everyone thinks your insane.

I'm an only child and Jeff is an only child and I get really pissed at people who think being an only child is some kind of horrible tragedy.

― carl agatha, Monday, May 20, 2013 4:26 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Or that only children are doomed to die alone or don't know how to share or are horrible people.

Also people who get up in anybody's business about how many children they have/don't have are dreadful and should be ashamed of themselves.

― carl agatha, Monday, May 20, 2013 4:28 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

all that needs to be said on the subject is contained here

my mom lost several children and encountered a bunch of judgy fuckwits because i wound up being an only

my gf's sister-in-law (who comes from a big family) just had a kid and wants to stick to one. she likes to say "see, jordan is an only child and he turned out ok!"

i mean yeah, the only thing i really lay on my only childhood is that i'm most relaxed when i'm by myself, and feel like some alone time once in awhile recharges my social batteries. but i think i'm reasonably socialized and not overly self-centered.

i wonder more about first born children. i mean they develop through infancy and at least some of their toddler years - major masjor development years - as the only child and then boom bye bye attention
My brother still blames me for crashing his only-child party. He was 7 when I was born. If you're gonna have more than one, have 'em before the first-born can remember being an only!

it was an adjustment going to university and having a roommate and all that, but it wasn't that big a deal. even though my first-year roommate, who had siblings, was kind of a jerk

ppl -- especially those with no experience of it -- being all 'single children are like *this*' is reductive and stupid imo. i mean when mordy gets in a borad fite with someone i don't think to myself 'oh shit, the siblinged strike again'

you should. having siblings makes you combative

being combative is a great quality to have, especially when it comes to socializing and interpersonal relationships

maybe it's just perceived pressure as a parent of a (so far) solo kid but it feels like our society looks down on parents who have just one kid. kind of weird for a country in a recession.

― congratulations (n/a), Monday, May 20, 2013 4:15 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark

yeah, it's esp kind of uh, 'significant' w/ me when talkign to chinese people, dang your parents went to america and escaped the one-child policy and yet didn't choose to have more than one kid, and i don't really want to have to answer with 'well they wanted to but they were too poor after they had me'

tbh i think 'for complex reasons unknown to me, mordy's being a dick today'

do not refuse my gift of free will 2 u

i am flattered that you think those reasons are complex

growing up an only child wasn't so bad though, i had online friends, i was on irc and gamefaqs, i've known how to interact with randos on a message board since i was 9- *dies alone*

my mum had hilar/weird prejudices about only children & teacher's children. always gave them the side-eye or a "hmph". god forbid if you were the red headed only child of a teacher.

I always wanted a sis or bro, just because I was always really fucking bored as a kid. But I lived in the middle of no where and there really wasn't anything to do other than play in the dirt.

Aka dirt farm.

I'm an only child and Jeff is an only child and I get really pissed at people who think being an only child is some kind of horrible tragedy.

― carl agatha, Monday, May 20, 2013 4:26 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Or that only children are doomed to die alone or don't know how to share or are horrible people.

Also people who get up in anybody's business about how many children they have/don't have are dreadful and should be ashamed of themselves.

― carl agatha, Monday, May 20, 2013 4:28 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

all that needs to be said on the subject is contained here

― call all destroyer, Monday, May 20, 2013 6:01 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Yep.

I will say, however, that as I get older and my parents get older I often wish I did have at least one sibling. I never wanted one growing up but now I kind of wish I did because as my parents are getting older and sicker it's a hell of a lot of responsibility to bear alone. For instance, I'm scared shitless that my dad will pass before my mom and I'll be left to either care for her or make all decisions on my own. I kind of worry about this all the time tbh.

yes to all of that, E

god forbid if you were the red headed only child of a teacher.

oh god this is me. I must never meet VG's mother

anyway I've had a few "oh I KNEW you were an only child, I could TELL" conversations over the years and hate them all. yes, my social skills are a little patchy, it's a good job yours are so super that you felt the need to disparage mine and thought that extracting this useless fact was a charming icebreaker for doing so

although now I'm a bit older I've begun to admit it might have done me some favours if my basic childhood model for Other People wasn't "insurmountable gulf in understanding, but available for free food, groundless compliments and pats on the head on demand" but idk that some of the sibling relationships I've seen would be any more beneficial

(and on a more serious note what E said)

oh look ive had a psychiatrist call me a 'social retard', I hate socializing, im totes self-centered, and im a child of four. its all bullshit. kids have their own personality. not much you can do to change it

what a rude psychiatrist! must have been only child.

every day is siblings day iirc

No kidding!

siblings day was weird for me. i've probably mentioned here that i was basically a fake "only" child and i do have a half-brother. he's autistic and had lots of behavioral problems when we were kids, so it wasn't the happiest household when he *was* around or when we'd go visit him. long story short: sibling relationships can be really complicated and you real onlys have it easy.

High five only's.

how would only children go about formulating a chauvinism to parallel mordy's 'only children are entitled psychopaths' challop

the emphasis would probably be that <whatever the tumblr term for the cis-siblinged is> are more likely to be uncouth, feckless and unreflective, brought up by dumb breeders who value quantity over quality

this would naturally align neatly with millenial han chauvinism

Fair

long story short: sibling relationships can be really complicated and you real onlys have it easy.

So otm. I have a much older half-sister who was off to college before I was five, and a younger full brother who's been behind bars most of his adult life. I definitely feel more like an only than a sib.

you real onlys have it easy

*sociopathic shrug*

I have some complicated family arrangements re half and step siblings but they were only marginally in my life from ~ 9 to 15 and I never lived w/ them so I consider myself an only child.

I have four cats now

I don't know if I'd say it was easy. There's a lot about being an only that I find very hard especially as I get older. This could also be because I don't have any extended family in this country - it's literally just my parents. Idk. I realize that siblings aren't guaranteed friends or support systems but being an only isn't always that great either.

I have two half siblings that I have never met (long not anybody I am related to being an asshole story) so I'm def an only child and idk man, I still love it. The whole stunted social skills stuff is str8 bullshit, considering I spend all day every day talking to randos.

jbr's situation is 'harder'. that doesn't make the other situations easy.

x-post - I also have a 1/2 sister I've never met! And yeah I think the stunted social skills part is def BS.

The whole stunted social skills stuff is str8 bullshit, considering I spend all day every day talking to randos.

^^^ I don't know how much of it is being an only child vs not having any extended family nearby while I was growing up, but I very quickly learnt how to make friends and appreciate the importance of being able to get along with people, because otherwise as an only child you're on your own.

the title of this thread is so close to being offensive imo

You just can't generalize about how the number of siblings (or birth order, for that matter) impacts personality because there are countless variables that it is impossible to control for. There are too many factors, genetic and environmental and socioeconomic, at play in what makes someone grow up to be an asshole. Negative generalizations about only children have to start somewhere. I think the whole idea that only children are undesirable is rooted in old fashioned morality about one's duty to reproduce for god and country, the idea that women's highest office in life is one of mother, and the idea that people with only one child are probably having sinful sex for purposes other than reproduction. Not to mention the deeply rooted idea that multiple children are a blessing so someone with only one must be cursed in some way.

I do get really pissed when people shit talk only children, I admit, and it makes me feel like an MRA or one of those kids on Tumblr who thinks she's a wolf trapped in a human body, like come on it's not like only children are being rounded up and shot or denied employment on the basis of their sibling status.

people with regressive ideas about only children are unkind and mostly pretty thick, not sure how useful it is to parse whatever archaic ideas or fallacies inform their prejudice

I get really mad about it too because there are a ton of great things about being an only!

And I'd never thought about it that way before but Carl sounds otm about where that whole idea that it's bad probably comes from.

there are two types of stupidity -- against mothers / parents of only children then against the children themselves

the latter is often based on the individual moron's idea that their being one of several siblings wascharacter forming, a sort of self congratulation on their own resilience with the corollary that if you didn't experience sibling rivalry, you must be selfish or entitled or whatever else

it's rather like people insist that growing up where they did made them what the are, people love to believe these things but they are seldom more than myths

anyway i don't want to dwell too much on these prejudices, they are other people's problems

my mother was an only child and I remember that when I was kid I thought she must have been lonely growing up, I think that this was just because I had encountered the platitude that 'only children are sad and lonely' and never thought to question it more than anything else, I don't remember particularly thankful that my parents had provided me with a younger brother.

Nakh are u an only child

ive never met an oldest child who is happier than the youngest child. EVER.

― educate yourself to this reality (sunny successor), Monday, May 20, 2013 5:19 PM (10 months ago)

i think this is prob true of me

my youngest brother is inordinately joyful & positive, he is to be cherished

the middle child is ime the one who suffers most

nakh definitely has at least 1 brother iirc

ive never met an oldest child who is happier than the youngest child. EVER.

― educate yourself to this reality (sunny successor), Monday, May 20, 2013 5:19 PM (10 months ago)

This is either bullshit or my brother's about to commit suicide. Maybe I should call him to check.

dark lol

idk about EVER does ever count the times the older sibling is sitting on their head farting or w/e

fwiw my younger two siblings were much more similar in age to each other than they were to me & were consequently more accustomed to tag-team-bully me rather than the reverse

plus yknow i've gone around my entire life with concentric tricolours on my forehead, arse and chest

idg that last reference and yknow that's fine by me too

http://www.mccluretables.com/blog/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Target.png

oh shit, that's enormous

fittingly

blessings on my ppl

Tough day for us.

i feel nothing

We are the 21%

Where's our holiday?

From what I've seen of battling siblings, any day that isn't April 10th.

nice headline
http://www.vice.com/read/we-asked-some-experts-if-being-an-only-child-really-fucks-you-up

i have lost a little respect for the social sciences

i'm starting to realize i never had much to begin with

They tend to be very often self-confident because they peer with adults. What happens is they tend to be comfortable dealing with adult authorities, and speaking up to adult authorities ... the only children really feel very comfortable interacting with the teacher.

hmm, I do feel more comfortable around people my parents' age than around people my own age. felt much more relaxed when I took an evening class full of retired people than when I end up on courses full of younger people. did ok at work in my 20s when my bosses were largely 50+, feel lost and burnt out now I'm mid-30s and my bosses are my age

on the other hand I was never really comfortable talking back to teachers or even answering questions in class: my relationship wasn't so much "on the same standing with adult authorities" as Dr Pickhardt says but more "don't talk back to us but if you are good and quiet we will pat you on the head and ooh and aah at any facile gestures of 'cleverness' you bring us"

how does one grow out of precocious-child-wants-pat-on-head syndrome? I hope I find out before I'm 40

(I had to go to http://www.vice.com/read/we-asked-some-experts-if-being-an-only-child-really-fucks-you-up-836 rather than that URL)

that entire Vice interview basically translates to: "maybe so, maybe no"

It's ridiculous, and the questions are ridiculous but I figured that was Vice style or sthg. The part about relating to adults made sense to me but I'm coming to understand that my childhood was idiosyncratic not because I was an only child but for various other reasons.

my mom would have been so stoked if i grew up to be Alan Greenspan

my mom periodically apologizes for failing to instill me with ambition, which is . . . actually pretty fuckin rude

i have forgiven her

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeUBJmlC8us

i was definitely a result of "having a kid because that is what married people do"

not that my parents were bad inattentive parents like that article suggests, they just would've been perfectly content being childless

my mom filed for divorce when i was three months old

born to destroy marriages \m/

speaking of marriages, one think that i wonder about if it's true or not, is if only children have weaker "bathroom opportunity" instincts. my ex and a former roommate both grew up with siblings, and they would always win at getting to use the bathroom before i did, growing up with having 2 bathrooms for 3 ppl, as opposed to 2 bathrooms for 5 or 6 ppl

My wife is an only child and I was surprised when she told me how many times people flippantly say fucked up things about being an only child to your face

nah xp

no one has ever said fucked up things about being an only child to me, and i'm guessing they wouldn't were i the father of an only child either

that seems like assholes looking for any excuse to poop on women

i'm a fake only-child. i have a half-brother but it was mostly just me around the house when i was growing up. i had a handful of toys and YA books but i wasn't much for "kid" things -- was more interested in my parents' books, outgrew kid-targeted music very quickly, always wanted to try what my parents were eating when we went out. they took me to grownup movies that bored me until one day i was comfortable enough being in that environment that i decided to sit still and pay some damn attention. families with lots of kids have to *manage* all those kids' boredom and finickiness and competition with each other, in a way that often gives up and placates those kids' worst habits just to make peace. with onlys, there's less room for disaster if as a parent you want to shake things up a little and try out a less "kid-friendly" activity. (i have no memory of my parents ever using the phrase "kid-friendly" btw. dunno whether that was me being an only or whether it was just different times.)

anyway, i think me being a quasi-only in a family that was already pretty small has had some bearing on my disinterest in having children. my husband is from a very small family too. we love our relatives but "family" as a concept is really not a huge deal to either of us -- it's not something we need a lot of surrounding us in our lives, and if the family lines end with us, we're not that torn up about it.

I'm sure being an only child has bearing on who we become as adults, just as having five siblings or growing up in a hayfield in the rural south or in the city or raised by grandparents would. The problem is this pervasive assumption that being an only child is de facto bad. I put that down to a combination of confirmation bias and general assholery.

I had a similar quasi only child sitch as jbr in that I had a step brother and a half brother on my dad's side but I never lived with them full time and it's not like I had to make room among my personal space for them plus they were only an active part of my life for five or six years after which I peaced out of that entire situation for good.

all of the only children I've ever known have had psychic powers and the ability to control small animals with their minds and I can't believe that this is just a coincidence tbh so idk protest all u want but I know what I know

darragh i thought that was a secret about our meeting that you would never let leave your lips

*sends army of chipmunks after darragh*

... or growing up in a hayfield in the rural south

What a horrible way to grow up.

Can you imagined growing up that way and being an only child? Monster.

j/k I think that person would be awesome.

I won't be silenced any longe-

*eaten by chipmunks*

it's that time of year again -- happy "siblings day" everyone!!

A co-worker of my wife’s asked if she was going to have another kid and she said no, and he replied “the best gift you can give a child is a sibling.” What the—!

Nah, a Nintendo is better.

i never got either ;_;

One of my pals always posts an Atari 2600 on his Facebook page for this day each year.

i'm an only child and i didn't have a nintendo growing up ;_;

lonely non-nintendo ilxors cru UNITE

neither did i
i did have a dog and he was quite a good companion

i had asthma so i couldn't have a dog! *sob*

I feel a lot sorrier for y'all who didn't have Ataris or Nintendos than I do for those of you who didn't have a Rerun Van Pelt running around underfoot.

A sibling sounds like the worst gift.

The worst gift that keeps on giving.

my buddy is an only child and basically raised and maintained by video games to this day for better or worse

same, but with books

^ way better imo

yeah books and radio and the library's A/V section

scorching take

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DywVrXzUYAAVJnE.jpg:small

:(
that's horrible

"in this new anything-goes society we’ve constructed, it’s impolite to point out that traditional families build better products and prodigies"

!

jason whitlock is such a fucking scumbag

wow, rude

Obviously that is not directed towards you, call all destroyer!!!

my parents are divorced, so i never had a chance to be a good product or prodigy, but it hadn't occurred to me that 'traditional families' required multiple children. is two enough? adam and eve had at least five

My parents are mad at me for not having or wanting children and I'm an only child lol sorry you had to learn about the importance of diversifying your portfolio this way

— Opinion Leader (@InternetHippo) September 10, 2019

same

that's a good way to put it!

My mother said “the way things are today, in some ways I’m glad I’m not a grandmother.”

Uh, ok

ooooof

I definitely grasped the concept of monopolistic industries as an only child ... of course, someone/something could always come along and be a market disruptor

one of the roughest feelings i deal with as an only child (without children) is the realization that -- beyond my parents -- everyone in my inner circle or "chosen family" is there contingent on me being in their good graces. if they decide they don't like me or something i have said or done, they are totally within their right to sever the connection, or let it fade or whatever mode of friendship-conclusion you prefer. it leads me to feel that i don't have anyone solidly and reliably "in my corner" in that way that people always say that family "has your back" even when no one else does.

it's a very popular narrative to declare "family is the only thing that matters" because friends are temporary and contingent. where does that leave someone like me? where does that leave someone for whom close connections are all voluntary and dependent on being liked? it's enough to give me that very familiar and old despair of "you have no one"

:( apols for being maudlin, i don't have anywhere else to put this. being an aging childless only child is hard in a very special way. at least it feels like that today.

I'm a childless only child - my experience is that friends are way more reliable that family. An observation arrived at from looking at my own family and other peoples. I've known people with lots of brothers and sisters who couldn't rely on any of them.

my entire family sucks. Having siblings can still leave you alone.

a couple of years ago my mom told me my brothers were asking her if I would be ok being named guardian of their children (one set of parents have high risk jobs). First, I was like 'fuck no" and then also laughing that they didn't ask me directly. I really hope they didn't put me down.

I think what I’m trying to say is that the precariousness of close relationships in general is in stark relief when the potential of familial relationships doesn’t exist. Sure I could have siblings and they could be estranged from me. But I don’t so even though it’s obvs not a given they’d be close, it’s not even an option bc they don’t exist. Does that make sense? Hard to explain.

that way that people always say that family "has your back" even when no one else does.

it's a very popular narrative to declare "family is the only thing that matters"

one of the hardest, most alienating things about familial relationships that are toxic and damaging are these same narratives!

there's real truth in that other trite saying ime- friends being the family you would choose for yourself.

I have nothing against only children. It has an effect on them, sure, but I find all people to be such mixed bags of traits that whether or not they have siblings is lost in a sea of ever-shifting emotions, reactions, and acquired habits. I struggle to keep up with the utter strangeness of human proclivities in general.

I have nothing against only children.

truly your magnanimity knows no bounds

when the entire thread is cast as C or D, I might be forgiven for eliminating D as my preferred option. up to you, ofc.

Y'all, I've come to say that I've experienced losing both parents as an only child and while having siblings in an ideal world would mean I would have an innate support structure, the reality is that having siblings (or indeed relatives of any kind) doesn't automatically = support and I've found myself relying mainly on my friends for support. I have one aunt and two cousins I'm close to but by and large I count my friends as my family. The only aspect of my personality I'd lay the blame on with my being an only is my deep introversion IRL. Otherwise I'm the same as those of y'all with siblings.

it's a very popular narrative to declare "family is the only thing that matters" because friends are temporary and contingent. where does that leave someone like me? where does that leave someone for whom close connections are all voluntary and dependent on being liked? it's enough to give me that very familiar and old despair of "you have no one"

<3 -- I go through this at least once a month. Also, an only child, also no kids ... when I got out of my "marriage" 10 years ago, I felt this super hard. Like, for me, my partner was my family (outside of my parents), and seeing how that serious, committed relationship was temporary and contingent, ... none of my other friends at that time were nearly as close. I feel like a tendency to independence and self-sufficiency is a common only child trait, and I think I just doubled down on that after becoming single, and also when I have those feelings of alienation or contingency. And, I think we've actually talked about this on the no-boys thread, but it's hard not to focus on feelings of rejection, exclusion, or possible rejection and exclusion -- as opposed to focusing on, "hey, I am an awesome friend to myself, and I can do all these things on my own, and feel happy and a sense of accomplishment for being independent and self-sufficient." ... I feel, culturally, the latter is easier for cis-males, and more difficult for cis-females, because we tend to be conditioned to derive self-worth from close relationships to others.

oh, and because la lechera, you were the one that brought this up -- about 5 years ago, I was in a band with a friend (it was a duo), and he decided he didn't want to be in the band anymore. I had also been in another band with two other friends, and that one had a bunch of problems and I parted ways with that band due to issues with the bandleader. Anyway ... being in a band/wanting to be in a band kinda amplifies this stuff ... at least for me. ... One of the things I did that actually made it better was develop a solo project/material, something musical that I could do on my own and feel good about.

yeah i take a lot of pride in being able to take care of myself & have been a self-care devotee since before there was a widely-recognized term for it. i don't expect anyone to take care of me aside from myself. this is definitely an only child thing ime!

the precariousness of voluntary close relationships legit scares me; it scared me yesterday more than most days. thanks for understanding. there's really nothing that anyone can do or say to change it, i just have to feel more at peace with it.

It has an effect on them, sure, but I find all people to be such mixed bags of traits that whether or not they have siblings is lost in a sea of ever-shifting emotions, reactions, and acquired habits.

Def agree with this. It's sorta like astrology where there's confirmation bias.

i don't expect anyone to take care of me aside from myself. this is definitely an only child thing ime!

Myself and my 2 sisters are this way

whereas the only child I'm dating cannot pump her own gas, cook her own meals, etc

ok well it's a me thing then
mama literally told me "you have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it" and that's how it was

I feel like a tendency to independence and self-sufficiency is a common only child trait, and I think I just doubled down on that after becoming single, and also when I have those feelings of alienation or contingency. And, I think we've actually talked about this on the no-boys thread, but it's hard not to focus on feelings of rejection, exclusion, or possible rejection and exclusion -- as opposed to focusing on, "hey, I am an awesome friend to myself, and I can do all these things on my own, and feel happy and a sense of accomplishment for being independent and self-sufficient." ... I feel, culturally, the latter is easier for cis-males, and more difficult for cis-females, because we tend to be conditioned to derive self-worth from close relationships to others.

I count several close friends among my support system but even then, I tend to congregate with very few people at one time, usually just one or two others. I too feel as though the default for women is to coalesce as a large group and in fact quite a few of my women friends have FB profiles full of photos of them with several other women gathered together. I'm the odd one out in that respect, yet I feel a kinship to quite a few other people, both men and women. I don't think you have to have friend circles operate in a prescribed/proscribed manner in order to reap the benefits of friendship, though I suppose it helps that I don't have an actual family family of my own to rely upon. Also, I love doing things on my own, from going to the movies to attending concerts, and would honestly rather do these things by myself than drag a bemused other person along just so I can say I'm not alone.

Ya was gonna say it's prob due to parenting. She was her parents "special lil girl" and was smothered, over-protected.
xp

mama literally told me "you have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it" and that's how it was

― weird woman in a bar (La Lechera), Tuesday, February 4, 2020 12:18 PM (nine seconds ago)

haha mine was very similar -- it definitely was a factor in the pressure she put on me to get a good education and learn marketable skills. Also, recently she told me that she read some article that was a survey of middle-aged women that found their greatest fear was of becoming homeless / street beggars. ... I will leave her assessment of common traits of the male gender for another thread. LOL

this thread is the largest collection of only children i am aware of/have access to and i am taking this opportunity to bump it

three reasons:

* i have detached enough from social media to not have caught it in real time, but apparently "siblings day" happened again, and again it can go to hell

* NPR seems to be running a series about "the science of siblings" and it too can go fuck itself. how rude.

* my mom is in the middle of heart surgery rn and i don't have anyone to talk to about it. instead i have to go to work and pretend to feel normal and it sucks.

that's all!

To be fair to the people I do have to talk with about this, I appreciate their ears. It's exceptionally difficult for me to reach out to people and be like "hey guess what my mom is in the middle of surgery" bc it feels (and probably is) at least somewhat intrusive.

I feel you! Going through major health stuff with both parents in the past year+ ALONE has been challenging and massively guilt inducing.

well not alone but you know

and I best wishes for you mom!

A - I hope your mom's surgery goes well.

apparently "siblings day" happened again, and again it can go to hell

As someone with three siblings, I fully agree.

My mum is an only child. This means I have less aunts and uncles and cousins, therefore as a child I got less Christmas presents which was dud

Same here. I wish I had some cousins sometimes. People that kinda looked like me and had the same last name and were the same age maybe. I may not be an only child, but my sister and I are only-grandchildren, if that makes any freaking sense whatsoever.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Something funny I discovered in the past 20 years:

• Father of my mom, the only child between him and my grandmother, leaves family when my mom is two.

• Marries the woman he met during the war in Italy.

• They have a daughter together.

• She grows up and eventually marries — follow me here — a man with the same first and last name as my childless uncle, my father's brother.

• They have a son, who's just slightly older than me.

So I do (sorta) have a cousin around my age with the same last name. He's just related to me through my estranged maternal grandfather.

And no, I haven't tried to contact him.

https://i.imgur.com/J5NDIiW.png

Don't know if I mentioned it here though I am sure I have elsewhere on ILX at some point. I am an only child with one cousin. I had two but one was hit by a train and died when I was 12. I do, however, have a half sister in Germany who I have known about since I was 18 but only met for the first time 2 years ago. Currently trying to figure out how to navigate that situation as my dad, who is also her dad, doesn't want to be reconnected with her. It's a long story. Anyway, not sure how I feel yet about discovering new relatives. It's complicated.

There were many weird parts about meeting her but the weirdest is prob that I think we do look similar in some ways. We have the exact same colour green eyes.

Studying wills, estates and trusts for work made me think about this thread and y’all…. No siblings, no kids … I try not to dwell on it

Oh god, we’re working on our estate planning right now. We’re two only children with an only child, and we don’t trust our old parents or any of our extended family for guardianship and other things. Doesn’t leave us a lot of options, other than reaching out to friends and hoping that it’s not a crazy ask. I guess a lot of people would use their sisters/brothers in this scenario, but we don’t got those.

reaching out to friends and hoping that it’s not a crazy ask.

I don't think the question is crazy; it's necessary. What's hardest is providing your friends with enough information for them to understand what if would mean if they said "yes", which means you have to understand it, too.

Add: We were in a similar position. There's no easy answer, but it might help to tell your friends that saying yes doesn't irrevocably commit them. Everything would be decided and arranged in partnership with the courts and the state's child welfare services. Of course, both those institutions would be ecstatic to have the friend expressly mentioned among your estate papers as meeting your approval and having already expressed a willingness to act as guardian, but if their life circumstances have changed to the point where they no longer can accept that responsibility, then they do not have to. You might feel a bit safer if you had a second or third alternative on your list. With normal luck, none of this will ever be needed!

Yeah, the back ups and the back ups of the back ups are where it gets hard!

"pork chops with a married couple" made me laugh
https://www.tiktok.com/@newyorkjeff/video/7210172353031064874?lang=en

bump

we rule

i will admit that i found having a roommate (in a very small room) in my first year of university somewhat difficult

but mostly that was because he was an asshole who insisted on practicing his classical guitar while i was trying to sleep

lol iirc he was an only child too

obv impossible to know what stuff is a 'me' thing and what is an only child thing but noise and people talking over one another has always stressed me out a lot even bizarrely when I see it on TV and it's a scene of a family chaotically getting kids ready to leave the house for school or something equally innocuous. as far as fitting the only child stereotype I am definitely at my most happy/content/at ease when by myself, but then again maybe people who have siblings and who also happen to be really social are too as far as I would know.

hi 5

I hate being by myself but according to the probably bogus psychometry tests available from thee interwebz I am in the top 10% of extroverts. This made it feel hard growing up only, I think. Our daughter the introvert is definitely doing just fine.

I was not an only child but I feel like I sculpted part of my childhood experience in a way such that I excluded myself from being an active sibling. I don't know exactly why or how. I remember playing with my sister when we were both pretty young, but it was often semi-adversarial in a little kid way, then a period of doing some things together, followed by me being ON COMPUTER and then both of us being involved in complementary activities, where we were doing similar things at different times, or different things at different times so we wouldn't be interacting.

For instance, she was a freshman in high school when I was a senior and we were both in orchestra, with me in the first violin section and her being a cellist and all I remember about it was being annoyed at a few of my creepy peers! And then we were in college with a one-year overlap at the same school, and I think she befriended and hung out with my roommates more than me. Kind of funny.

I am pretty extroverted, but I need my “alone” time in order to feel sane. I have also noticed that since the pandemic, I have needed more of this alone time.

Xp mookie — I had the early morning workout queen who blowdried her hair while I was trying to sleep— she was also an only child. The college eventually gave us both single rooms.

i have spent a LOT of time trying to figure out which parts of my dysfunction were a product of being an only child and which were a product of being the only child of my particular parents. turns out that the latter was way more important.

because i did not have experience to the contrary, i used to attribute all of it to only-childhood. turns out that being an only is actually totally fine for a lot of people provided they have a support system that goes beyond their parent/s (which I did not have)

It was a pretty massive realization for me!

Yeah when we decided to have an only I was VERY much against it until my partner pulled up the peer-reviewed research showing most only children are just fine, it was just my situation with a narcissist mother that made things worse than they needed to be.

i actually thought of you when i posted that -- part of my decision to not reproduce was predicated on the belief that i couldn't do that (force only childhood) to someone else. turns out that is not actually the problem and not being a narcissist solves it.

Both my parents had siblings and I was their 2nd attempt at reproduction… the first one died, so they quit after me. 50/50 success rate. Could be worse.

I do wonder if being an only put me at a disadvantage in re navigating workplace politics or made me prefer to be self-employed…

I was [Hidden text. Click to view]

i have spent a LOT of time trying to figure out which parts of my dysfunction were a product of being an only child and which were a product of being the only child of my particular parents. turns out that the latter was way more important.

because i did not have experience to the contrary, i used to attribute all of it to only-childhood. turns out that being an only is actually totally fine for a lot of people provided they have a support system that goes beyond their parent/s (which I did not have)

It was a pretty massive realization for me!

I have also thought about this in regards my mother, whom I had to cut off for a few years in order for her to understand that my life was not an extension of her ego. But growing up with her was stifling, bordering occasionally on verbally abusive— she was so concerned about how I appeared to the outside world that she once called me a slur to my face, repeatedly, because I wasn’t walking the way she wanted me to walk on our way to church. My father, who has always been my greater advocate, told her exactly where she could take that kind of attitude toward me, and she got in the car and drove off and we didn’t see her for two days. I thought this was my fault but my dad assured me it wasn’t. This was when I was 12 years old!! And while it was never that bad again, it continued for years in other ways.

When I was 25, at the end of a visit, she told me, “you’re trying too hard to be gay,” which resulted in an enormous fight. I then got on a plane, and didn’t speak to her or see her for close to two years. She got the hint.

Damn … sorry to all ilxors w bad momz.

in my case it was a dad, but my mom fully aligned herself with him so they were a team while i was left to take care of myself. it did not seem like (and was not) a very good deal for me, which is why i always thought it was being an only that was my primary prob. it took a long time to realize that was not the case.

i was very stubborn in discovering that it was my parents who were the problem -- i needed to believe they were good bc they were the only people i had.

i am sorry that was the case for you, LL. for me, i had made my friends my family, and really leaned on them. i didn’t see my parents for major holidays for a decade— i still sometimes don’t see them on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I had the early morning workout queen who blowdried her hair while I was trying to sleep— she was also an only child. The college eventually gave us both single rooms.

when i filled out the paperwork for college, it asked if i'd prefer a single room, to which i of course said hell yes -- i didn't realize this came at an additional expense. as the money for all this was coming from a variety of sources including three parents, a grandparent, and the u.s. navy, i was soon disabused of this choice and got thrown in with guitar guy less than a week before classes started

the study abroad i did was at a place with residences that were all singles, genders mixed throughout rather than by wing, and unisex bathrooms. altogether more adult (and more conducive to learning, among other things)

i was very stubborn in discovering that it was my parents who were the problem -- i needed to believe they were good bc they were the only people i had.

if I hadn’t met my partner and we hadn’t had a child together and my insane mom hadn’t decided our Jewish daughter needed an advent calendar I still wonder - would I still be talking to those people every week, and suffering through the accompanying stress? Yeesh. Breaking up with them wasn’t easy but my god was it ever worth it.

i was one of two kids and i have two kids and it's so hard to imagine just having one - i feel like i would be WAY too invested in him/her, i'd put too much pressure on their shoulders despite my best efforts. two or more seems like it spreads out the parental expectations in a helpful way

were you elder or younger

Only child here. I would never say I am at my most content alone - I am most content seated at a table chatting shit, or maybe on the couch showing friends some film I think they'll enjoy - but I am very able to be alone for prolonged periods, can keep myself occupied, almost never feel frustration if someone cancels plans.

Sensitivity towards playful teasing...tbh I always assumed this was more about growing up very Other and getting a lot of bullying at an early age, but yeah I do have that, and am the worst of hypocrites about it.

My cousin, an only child, is the most gregarious person I know -- like, he can't imagine not hosting a party or trying to work the room. He was spoiled rotten as a kid.

He has four children of his own, in large part because, he says, he missed not having bros and sisters.

Oh I definitely had pressure… also part of the gender issues, because I felt like I had to be both son and daughter…

Never felt the need for a sibling - I looked at all children younger than myself as nuisances and assumed I had the same status for any kid older.

I still remember the dreams I used to have wishing I had a brother.

This thread is really making me wish ilx had emojis like slack and teams, I know that’s dumb but I just want to slap hugging-people under lots of y’alls posts

thread honestly helping me process adoption decisions, thanks...

i think it is worth mentioning the obvious: that the calculus for how many children to have is different depending on what sort of reproductive system you have. if you are a child-bearer, you may feel differently about being pregnant more than once (or maybe you love being pregnant, everyone is different)

i can only speak for myself, but having an only child was off the table (for reasons above) and having more than one sent my mind reeling not only because of the disruption to my life being pregnant for 18 months but also bc i have literally no idea what to do when there are two kids. i only know how to deal with one (because that is all i saw as a child) and i am perfectly happy with my decision.

i do think it's different for girls thought tbrrwu

very true!

my mom has said that she views herself as having some vague or not specifically diagnosed neuroatypicality, maybe just anxiety or depression, and during the calm parts of pregnancy she thought that maybe this was what it felt like to feel normal. this was in the context of taking ssris, which made her feel better later in life. she had two kids, so it didn’t turn into a compulsive child-having situation but I kind of wonder about some people who have many children

I started to feel better about my introversion once a boss I had pointed out that it’s actually kind of a skill to be able to work alone for hours without needing to talk other people or move around constantly.

that is championship boss feedback, good job boss

Yeah she was a great leader and really proactively cared about people, I am lucky and grateful to have worked under her.