A guy not coming / coming too late.

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This is something I've been thinking of lately; I'm not sure whether it's a personal problem or not a problem at all. First of all, I assume that during sex it's generally the guy who comes first. But what if the girl comes first, or the guy doesn't come at all? I've been told by a partner that it's okay if I keep "humping" even though she's already reached an orgasm, but I still feel kinda embarassed, and often stop. So I'm asking you guys, does this happen to you often? And ladies, what are your thoughts on a "late-comer"?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I would have thought it was better if the lady comes first. I guess it depends on the lady in question though, she may be ok with you carrying on or she may like to stop. I think it comes (ahem) down to personal preference.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Wot PinkP said.

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, clearly it is the worst thing in the world to have a guy who lasts more than 10 minutes; in fact, I can't imagine anything that could be possibly worse for sex!

(I am obviously lying in case this is unclear)

(Also keep going until you get off, not coming at all is kind of a dud because mentally you are like, "Uh ok, I guess I'm not that hot or something" and also hello more orgasms for girl)

(obviously that last bit of advice is no good if she tells you to stop cos you've been going for like 8 hours, all Sting-like or something)

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:28 (twenty-two years ago)

(yeah, sometimes gurls get sore down there)

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:29 (twenty-two years ago)

*slinks away embarrassed*

― Sting (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:30 (twenty-two years ago)

So do guys. So as long as you havent' gone so long that everyone's in pain, you're good, Tuomas.

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally is otm, loads of scope for multiple! mmmm mmmm

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:31 (twenty-two years ago)

stop when it's no longer enjoyable for both

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha, but if it's still enjoyable for one, keep up the bangbangbang!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Why do you keep restating everything I said, Horace? Are you imitating me or something? WTF?

This thread is making me pissed off at the whole Thanksgiving holiday.

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Turkey rubs me the wrong way.

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Where does Liam Neeson fit into all this?

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

He doesn't?

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Needing to look at a porno in order to 'finish' - C or D

― dave q, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

having a finishing move, c or d?

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I've always felt kinda weird talking much during sex, and I think asking "Well, have you had enough? Should I stop?" could ruin the mood. But I trust most gals will tell me when to stop without asking. And Ally is right, guys can get sore too, this is another reason why I don't always want to keep humping ad infinitum, just hoping that The Big O will eventually come.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow I'm even more glad I'm not having sex with either of you.

xpost: Tuomas what do you think the "problem" is here though? I mean how long does it take you and why do you think you aren't getting off? Haha these are questions that really are none of my business at all!

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:39 (twenty-two years ago)

having a finishing move, c or d?

This makes it sound like you're playing Street Fighter 2 or something and you bust out a fatality, except instead of a fatality it's a nut.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Like with most sex issues, communication is key. You might also see if there's a way to speed yourself up. Possibly related thread.

― bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:42 (twenty-two years ago)

And Ally is right, guys can get sore too, this is another reason why I don't always want to keep humping ad infinitum, just hoping that The Big O will eventually come.

http://img.rubberslug.com/user/7e6977c5232740b3a213873ebf4d0994/6900-3608318-big-o-pic-awesome.jpg

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:42 (twenty-two years ago)

yowza, glad I am not sex with you any of having with.

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Tuomas what do you think the "problem" is here though?

The problem is I'm not always sure whether I should continue after she has climaxed, and this is something that's not always easy to talk about with your partner. The one girl I have talked with about this says it's okay to go on, and most of the ladies here seem to be on agreement... I guess I can trust for my partner to express when it doesn't feel good anymore. I don't want to be this pig of a man who doesn't care the least bit about the woman's pleasure.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

This makes it sound like you're playing Street Fighter 2 or something and you bust out a fatality, except instead of a fatality it's a nut.

Street Fighter 2 didn't have fatalities or finishing moves.

Ummm.... yeah.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

You're trying too hard (ahem), if she's had an orgasm already just relax and enjoy yourself!

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

whoa, whoa, whoa...you're worried about appearing to not care about her pleasure by going beyond her orgasm?

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

The problem is I'm not always sure whether I should continue after she has climaxed, and this is something that's not always easy to talk about with your partner.

indeed -- so much easier in front of a whole crew of strangers.

― enrique (Enrique), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is the type of thing John Gray gets all hot over.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

"is it time for pizza yet?" usually works

― kephm, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Dan's post is the best thing ever.

Anyway Tuomas it sounds like the problem is you are overthinking and/or being self conscious which will make it v. difficult to have an orgasm anyway. Trust me, if the amount of time it takes you to have sex becomes a problem, you'll find out one way or another, so my advice to you is to stop thinking about it so much while in the act and you will find it'll become better for you.

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

this doesn't happen in Chris B Sure's world. I'm done in 30 seconds, my wife can fend for herself.

― Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Surely this is one of the things you SHOULD be able to discuss with a partner. In the meantime though, I am sure she'll stop you if she wants to.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Comment cards exist for a reason.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Surely this is one of the things you SHOULD be able to discuss with a partner.

You're right, but it also depends on the partner. Some girls take longer to come, but my current partner isn't one of them, so this was something we had to discuss because it kept happening all the time. But if I'm with someone new, I'm not sure whether I could just say: "By the way, I may keep humping you even after you've come".

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:55 (twenty-two years ago)

There are ways other then "the humping" to finish off either partner. I mean, think about if the genders were reversed and you finished first, would you be that baffled as to what to do?

― bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Why would you have to say that anyway? If you want to carry on & she isn't moving you off her, then what's the problem?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

If she has a big orgasm or she doesn't want to carry on with sex, then she will make sure that you don't carry on. If you're lucky she may get you off another way.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I would hope that most PEOPLE, let alone women, would agree that sex shouldn't stop just because one partner has had an orgasm! It's like you're turning it into a race where whoeever comes first "wins" and the other person has to slink off to the bathroom all frustrated.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Particularly when one of the people can lap the other.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

yeh but in this case you can't win the race without spraying the champagne FIRST

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Quote from my girlfriend: "Hey, I had mine, as far as I'm concerned you can do whatever you'd like." Although I ended stopping anyway, because it was the second go round on a worknight and I was tired.

― assadf, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I guess your right, I'm probably being oversensitive, that's the way I often act. Thanks for the nice words!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.bfi.org.uk/collections/release/loneliness/images/main.jpg

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

take a break, resume
have the girl get on top after her 1st orgasm
call up your other lover for round two

― kephm, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Dan's advice at crying out "I win!" is good. Maybe even better if you follow it up with a slew of trash-talk. "You got nothin'! I owned you!" Then you do a little touchdown dance.

― bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

I like how sensitive you are, Tuomas! I don't think this is anything I've much discussed with my lady friends, so I have only personal experience here. Usually I'm just fine with letting the boy continue; last night though I had such a FUCKING GREAT orgasm that I was pretty much incapacitated and I told my boy no way could I deal with anything other than rolling over and going to sleep. I feel a little bad but I think he was pretty proud of himself so oh well.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

doesn't anyone yell BINGO any more?

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:09 (twenty-two years ago)

This whole thread is Tuomas trying to pick up ILX ladeez. Just admit it.

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:09 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm more of a YAHTZEE! kinda guy

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:09 (twenty-two years ago)

no shit

― Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:10 (twenty-two years ago)

"you sunk my battleship"

― bad jode (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

and whats the deal with not coming? I think this has happened to me once in my life. I passed out mid bang.

― Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

i think its cause we are so afraid of the nude body here in the USA

― kephm, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:14 (twenty-two years ago)

you mean you passed out before your second pump Chris?

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

i think its cause we are so afraid of the nude body here in the USA

any in particular?

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

NA OTM

Banzai!

― enrique (Enrique), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

multiple-Os rock, though learning how to communicate without ruining the mood is a good thing too.

― m factor (mandinina), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:17 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.sfo.com/~csuppes/CFL/Montreal/aerial.gif

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:17 (twenty-two years ago)

++i think its cause we are so afraid of the nude body here in the USA
+++any in particular?

my dads (anyone else rememebr that thread)

― kephm, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Does it help you come if you think about guys?

― Oh Like You Can't Guess Who This Is (Chris Piuma), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:21 (twenty-two years ago)

the starship enterprise crash-landed!!

― ken c, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Teeny, I hate you.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:38 (twenty-two years ago)

That was my Sunday night, not last night so I hate teeny too :(

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey bitches let's talk EARLY SEPTEMBER!!

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 17:51 (twenty-two years ago)

normally I would do the little frowny face here but honestly I still feel too good.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 19:47 (twenty-two years ago)

eh, it's alright. I was only saying 'I hate you' in the most loving of ways.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 19:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm really puzzled by this. This will inevitably sound like bragging, but I would guess that at least three quarters of the times that I've had sex with a woman she has had at least three orgasms. Five has been far from uncommon (this has happened hundreds of times). I kind of felt uneasy finishing when the woman had only had one, the times that happened. I've only occasionally had women indicate that they want to stop or don't want any more orgasms. Have I just been lucky with my female partners? It's not that I go on for hours and hours or anything like that.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

apparently you are more machine now than man, twisted and evil

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 20:46 (twenty-two years ago)

there have been plenty of times when i just haven't wanted to finish. if it's been a real marathon or i'm too wiped out or stressed or if i wanked in the bathroom at work that day and it just wasn't going to happen again, it's no big deal really. but also my sex life has worked out so that the percentage of big-o's achieved (by either party) by straight-up intercourse is relatively low.

― typo acapulco (gcannon), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

(don't mean to appear zen-like by that last post, i cashed those chips in fully at a later date, buhleev.)

― typo acapulco (gcannon), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

i though this was going to be a thread about being stood up for a date.

― kephm, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:07 (twenty-two years ago)

it sort of is. if you're sperm.

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:10 (twenty-two years ago)

(I read this as "A guy not coming out / coming out too late.")

― Rockist Scientist, Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:12 (twenty-two years ago)

ur gay

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:15 (twenty-two years ago)

right?

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

to whom do you refer?

― typo acapulco (gcannon), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:24 (twenty-two years ago)

haha, ALL OF U.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 26 November 2003 21:26 (twenty-two years ago)

This whole thread is Tuomas trying to pick up ILX ladeez. Just admit it.

Sorry, I think a live bit too far of 'em, and how fast you come doesn't matter in cybersex... ;) (Or does it? I've never done that.)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 11:49 (twenty-two years ago)

cybersex sucks dick on the moon

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 27 November 2003 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

"it's okay to keep going" is okay to hear if you're backing up a car but for making the sex it sounds kind of lame-o - i personally would NOT just "keep going" i would switch it up somehow, even take a little break

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 27 November 2003 12:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I find a woman approaching orgasm so unbearably sexy that I... well. I don't think I need to finish that sentence.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:00 (twenty-two years ago)

This will inevitably sound like bragging, but I would guess that at least three quarters of the times that I've had sex with a woman she has had at least three orgasms

Martin Skidmore: The Ilx John Holmes. Or DemonLuva or something.

― Dave B (daveb), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry Martin, but that is the BIGGEST BRAGGING EVAH! Even bigger than the pinball bragging, and that was BIG.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:03 (twenty-two years ago)

But I really thought this was really sort of normal. I'm genuinbely having to adjust my whole view of sex here. I mean, I have had partners tell me their past history had been very different, but I put that down to them being unlucky before and getting rotten lovers. I'm not just talking about one woman - that stuff above is true of the last five women I've had sex with at least several times each, for example.

I shall be happy if I can convince myself that I am some kind of great lover, but I will need to rule out every other, and more likely, possibility first, because I can't see any particular reason to imagine that I'd be anything special.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:12 (twenty-two years ago)

oh come on admit it you're a sex god extraordinaire. no i'm not being sarky

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:13 (twenty-two years ago)

the last five women you had sex with are roughly same age as you? that may explain things a little more, female sexual prime and all that...?

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:14 (twenty-two years ago)

at least peak if not prime

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:14 (twenty-two years ago)

But I really thought this was really sort of normal.

yes -- because there really isn't a massive cultural joke-meme about women not getting orgasms off men or anything!

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

How do you know for sure Martin?

― smee (smee), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:17 (twenty-two years ago)

when martin met sally

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:18 (twenty-two years ago)

My point exactly

― smee (smee), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:18 (twenty-two years ago)

If it is normal then I'm a fucking appalling lay. :(

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:18 (twenty-two years ago)

And I demand a refund!

― smee (smee), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

What Barry said.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:21 (twenty-two years ago)

more power to your elbow, or whatever, mat.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

B-b-but RickyT, you said I was the best you've ever had!!

< breaks down sobbing >

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

'mart'

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

what is this sex you speak of?

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Steve, don't ask Martin to show you. The shock will kill you.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have sex again now.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

'shock'

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

'jess'

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I hate this thread.

― NA (Nick A.), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:37 (twenty-two years ago)

me too. if you wouldn't talk about it on a bus, don't say it on a board.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

skidmore to thread.

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I also hate this thread, not for Tuomas' question, but because it has created a vortex of sexual inferiority that will ruin every sexual encounter I ever have.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

mark, saying no more, but -- no need.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 13:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah, shit.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks, Martin, for letting me know I'm not the only freak of nature around here...

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I would guess that it is a case that the majority of women take an orgasm as opposed to a man giving them an orgasm. Not every time, but the majority of the time. The question of a woman faking an orgasm is also a thought here. I mean, can guys necessarily tell?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:07 (twenty-two years ago)

They never fake it for me :(

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:08 (twenty-two years ago)

hm -- are men 'taking' an orgasm too? i wd say it takes two (at least).

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:09 (twenty-two years ago)

If you are in a commited relationship then the lady doesn't need to fake.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:10 (twenty-two years ago)

No, we usually can't tell. But the question is: in these sexually liberal times when the woman's pleasure is just as important as the man's, why bother faking an orgasm? Especially in a longer relationship?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:10 (twenty-two years ago)

I understand what you are saying Enrique, but it just seems to me that female orgasms are usually more about the woman than what the man is doing.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

why bother faking an orgasm? Especially in a longer relationship?

why shd 'longer relationships' be seen as these all forgiving mechanisms? it's a bit more complicated than the longer relationship being a haven from the duplicitous cut-n-thrust of the singles 'world'.

pink -- i'd agree with that btw.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

What I meant was, especially in a longer relationship there'd be no shame in admitting you didn't come. Not that I think it's shameful even in one-night stands. It's the nearness of the other person that really counts, not the orgasm.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I just think in a longer relationship if the girl didn't have an orgasm the guy wouldn't be thinking oh she doesn't fancy me anymore. Or if the guy wanted to make the girl orgasm & she wasn't going to, rather than fake, she would be able to say so. I guess it's more open, honest & upfront in a longer term relationship.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

But surely one nite stands are more about getting yourself off rather than the other person.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Bollocks, it's all about the jizzbomb. Maybe.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Who was that to?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:18 (twenty-two years ago)

But surely one nite stands are more about getting yourself off rather than the other person.

You can get yourself off by the courtesy of your hand. One night stands are more about assuring you're still attractive.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:20 (twenty-two years ago)

especially in a longer relationship there'd be no shame in admitting you didn't come
I just think in a longer relationship if the girl didn't have an orgasm the guy wouldn't be thinking oh she doesn't fancy me anymore.

what i'm saying is that: how do you know? is this true for everyone? genuine question. i don't think 'long term' = 'more honest' necessarily, and i don't think being in a long term relationship will remove your angst, even if it often does.

amateur shrinks: i'm playing devils advocate btw.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:20 (twenty-two years ago)

You are indeed, enrique, and I sense there's not a lot of point to it. If your LTR is functioning roughly as it should, then fakery during sex should be at a minimum. Isn't this pretty obvious?

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I would agree with Mark. tuomas, getting yourself off by your own hand is different from a one nite stand even though the outcome is the same. It's as much about the physical contact.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:24 (twenty-two years ago)

"outcome is the same" - i wd question this

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Why?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

If your LTR is functioning roughly as it should, then fakery during sex should be at a minimum. Isn't this pretty obvious?

Indeedy -- but that's a big IF I'm afraid, cf countless other threads. The hinge here is 'functioning as it should' -- well, there's no roadmap for this shit.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

(I meant from the getting yourself off pov)

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

But then if you are not in a ltr where you can talk about sex, then I question the validity of your relationship. (the royal you btw)

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

sure, yeah, i know what you mean, but who is anyone to deem 'valid' or not a relationship?? this is my wider point, i suppose.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:30 (twenty-two years ago)

one night stand = you have to call them and tell them it's over, or vice versa, which fucking sucks!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:31 (twenty-two years ago)

sex in different houses.

― raphael diligent (Cozen), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Well yeah I s'pose, but surely the whole point of a 'proper' ltr is that you can talk about every single aspect of your relationship. (maybe that's just my realtionship in that we can talk about anything & everything), but i still think that is how it should be)

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Enrique, it's a point so wide it needs a thread of its own and has almost certainly had one already. For the sake of pragmatic, realistic, practical argument, if both people are largely happy (vaguest term evah! obv), then it counts as functioning. If not, then it isn't. Simple.

Tracer, no you don't. Just don't take their number. Or don't call. Unless they think you're in wuv with them it ain't going to be much of a shock when you don't want to see them again.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:35 (twenty-two years ago)

yes that's how it shd be, and mostly is in mine, but alas the world is a big bad place full of ppl who maintain ltrs (eg, marriages) despite keeping masses held back. and some of these ppl, darn em, are perfectly content.

xpost

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Tracer, if you have to call them & say it's over, it's not a one nite stand!!!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Markelby is such a gay name.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:38 (twenty-two years ago)

hold it down son!

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Dick off, Nick.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Back to the orig. question. If she's too tired and you can save it,

Next morning, yer in again.

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Jizzbomb!

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

i think yall have got a v v idealistic version of a one-nite stand. or a v v grim one!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 27 November 2003 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Version of a one night stand - meet guy, have sex, say bye, never see guy again.

― smee (smee), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I wasn't necessarily meaning 1 nighters...

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Tracer, it can be anything you want it to be. Two of my longest and most successful relationships have started from what would have been a one night stand if I hadn't seen them again.

(x-post)

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Well if you want to see them again, then great. if you don't then you don't. Meeting someone you like & then having sex with them with every intention of seeing them again, is not a one night stand.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Pinky, you are evidently a woman who knows her mind much quicker than normal mortals (as you've proven before).

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Minds Barry, we have two....

― smee (smee), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey, I said that's how it should be, not how it is! ;-)

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 15:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Am I the only one who thinks one-night stands are not so much about sex, as to prove to yourself that you're still sexually desirable? I guess people have different approaches to them. Anyway, I don't do one-night stands anymore because they rarely work in the ideal form (meet each other - have sex - having gotten what you wanted, happily depart). Usually, the other person tends to read more into the situation than the other, or he/she might afterwards realize he/she wants to see other person again. If this happens to both participants, very good, but it isn't nearly always the case.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

(God my English gets bad when I'm writing long sentences...)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yeah, one nite stands are horrible things as ppl always get more attached that they should.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:12 (twenty-two years ago)

UHU VS KY

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I just wanted to chime in and tell all of the guys on this thread who aren't Martin or Tuomas to STEP UP TO THE PLATE, SONS! You're letting the side down.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

(Happy Thanksgiving from Dan the Asshole Sexual Dynamo!)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:17 (twenty-two years ago)

laughing is SUCH a turn-off dan

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:21 (twenty-two years ago)

The phrase "Asshole Sexual Dynamo" might be giving off an entirely different vibe from what I was intending.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

"Some 21st century human beings are powered by solar panels affixed to their heads. Yet others gain energy from being repeatedly ass-shagged by Cure fans."

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Tuomas, you could extend what you're saying into almost any realm - "if there's a risk something won't work out right, don't do it". That doiesn't seem like your kind of attitude (if I may be so presumptuous). I'm not saying you're wrong - I agree with you entirely - but even if the sex is likely to be bad and at least one of you will probably regret the whole thing, that doesn't mean it's bound to be a negative experience.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:31 (twenty-two years ago)

It does, if you're always worrying about other people feelings, like I do. I've realized that one night stands are meant for more egotistical people than I am. (Note that I'm not implying egoism is necessarily a bad thing - it can be very healthy.)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

tuomas -- he love you long time -- and he's sensitive too.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 27 November 2003 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Tuomas, not all women are delicate sensitive flowers who just want to love you and be loved by you (perhaps just a little egotism, yes?).

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I know, but just the realization of that doesn't change the way I am.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean, human personality takes more to change than saying: "I've been wrong! Now I will change!" Besides, I'm not sure I really want change, because being non-egotistic is what defines me both in my own eyes and in the eyes of others. Nobody's perfect.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:11 (twenty-two years ago)

You're confusing me now. Are you saying you are egotistical and faking non-egotism, or are you saying you're not egotistical but display signs of egotism? Not that it really matters, you seem a very nice chap, and I don't think anyone would want you to change!

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Except perhaps somebody who just wanted to have a no strings casual shag...

― smee (smee), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm saying that I'd probably be a bit happier person if I were more egotistic, but it's hard for me to change, and I'm not sure whether I want to.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Tuomas OTM about one night stands and about faking orgasm. I would NEVER fake it, even with a near-stranger. It's pointless, and also just rude.

It would only be a real dud to keep (penetration) going if a) soreness ensues or b) the lady concerned is unable (as many are) to orgasm through penetration. In which case, get off her and start using other appendages. Ie. DON'T think 'oh it's just that you haven't been shagged at the right angle yet, I'm going to be the one to change your physiology baby'.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Am I wrong in thinking that some penetration positions do stimulate the clitoris as well, thus enabling the woman to have an orgasm even if she doesn't get it through penetration? Of course, the tongue and the hand are definitely more reliable in this aspect. Again, I do hope the lady I'm with feels comfortable enough to tell me if she prefers oral/manual stimulation.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

"shagged at the right angle"

I'll get me protractor.

Tuomas, ask Skidders, he's the only one who knows the secret.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:35 (twenty-two years ago)

It entirely depends on the woman Tuomas.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Some women orgasm through vaginal penetration easily, others through clitoral stimulation, yet others by wearing tight hot pants and walking up stairs or taking acvid and listing to Doves on headphones.

I have experience of all four of these, btw.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Archel, you're post just gave me the impression that if a woman can't get an orgasm through penetration, humping won't be any good to her, whereas this isn't actually the case with everyone.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Tuomas, are you being wilful now? OF COURSE (the great majority of)girls enjoy penetrative sex even if they don't come. What are you trying to prove?

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, that should've read: "..humping can't bring them to an orgasm."

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

No, it's not the case with everyone. But it is with some. I sort of meant to include 'indirect stimulation during penetration' with 'penetration'.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 27 November 2003 17:50 (twenty-two years ago)

If you are in a commited relationship then the lady doesn't need to fake.

hahhahahaha!

Tumas is OTM re: one night stands.

Even if you don't have orgasm, intercourse can still feel quite wonderful. It's not all about the endgame folx!

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Thursday, 27 November 2003 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

See my premature-climax scene in Network.

― Faye Dunaway (Mary), Thursday, 27 November 2003 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't begin to express how much I had never posted on this thread, but I was genuinely confused.

the last five women you had sex with are roughly same age as you? that may explain things a little more, female sexual prime and all that...?

All older than you, anyway, Steve - 32-45. But that was just a recent sample - this was true in my youth too, excepting only my first several months (maybe more) of having sex, when I guess I didn't much know what I was doing, but that was just with the one woman (my wife, see a couple of paras on).

As for the comments about women not getting orgasms, my understanding of that was always that the implication was that most men were useless, selfish, ignorant lovers (maybe like me when I was a teenager), and if they made any effort and paid any attention and cared about their partner's pleasure, it wasn't like that. I honestly thought that stuff was a "men are rubbish" line, and that it didn't apply to so many men.

I don't know what to say about faking. Yes, I've known it to happen a couple of times and I presume it's fooled me on other occasions, but I find it hard to imagine that it really accounts for what seems to be a very large difference between my experience and that of others. Why are women faking so many more orgasms with me? Why are some women telling me that they've not had orgasms before (and see paragraph above) or never as many, and wanting more of the same thing, if it's just faking?

Also, I was married for over 20 years to someone who faked it once in our first months together, and it was obvious (we were in someone else's house and she was scared they would come home, was her explanation). She wasn't the kind of person to carry on like that or to put up with rubbish sex for all those years, and I guess a week without her having 10 orgasms (this is when I was there - I have no way of knowing how many at other times!) was rare from age 18 or 19 to when we split, when she was 40, and I'd guess 20 was a much more common weekly total than 10. A peak would certainly have been over 30, maybe more like 40. I'm sure there were at least a handful of weeks where the number was over 30 in our last two years together.

I wonder if we are at cross purposes somewhere? Is everyone else talking about only orgasms caused by penetrative sex or something? That would be less than half of the female orgasms in my experience, certainly.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 27 November 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Martin can you not ever talk about sex on ILX again lest Mark C and myself top ourselves? (joke, btw)

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 21:37 (twenty-two years ago)

But I've been single almost all year, and Mark C has a really lovely girlfriend! I believe you aren't single also, so it should be the other way round!

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 27 November 2003 22:11 (twenty-two years ago)

nah.

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 27 November 2003 22:13 (twenty-two years ago)

It's pretty strange, this sex thing. Even when you're with a partner you know really well, there can sometimes be this feeling of responsibility to deliver at least x orgasms or x amount of pleasure. Similiarly you can feel responsible to have a good time yourself, lest your partner feel unappreciated or embarassed at the imbalance of enjoyment. This can and does lead to all sorts of mindfuckery and, eventually, some bad sex.

I've discovered that the best way of dealing with these issues is to remember this: your partner is not going to be upset if you have sex with them for longer. If one of you comes and the other is still on the way, then kick it down a notch. Slow down and just enjoy the sensuality of being close to them. Then, once your senses have recalibrated themselves (ie, you can actually feel your dick again), you'll actually want to keep fucking, and your partner will too.

"By the way, I may keep humping you even after you've come"

Tuomas, how do you say this in Finnish? It may come in handy one day :)

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 27 November 2003 22:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I am single at the mo, actually.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 23:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah, sorry Nick - I was mistaken.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 27 November 2003 23:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Know big E.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 27 November 2003 23:17 (twenty-two years ago)

smoove b to thread, at this point.

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 09:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Tuomas OTM about one night stands and about faking orgasm. I would NEVER fake it, even with a near-stranger. It's pointless, and also just rude.
Why is it rude Archel?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 09:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, because it's lying. If I hadn't made someone come and they wanted to, then I'd rather they just said so. And even if it's a one night stand it doesn't always stop at that, and if not then you have started the relationship with a lie. It's just another manifestation of the game-playing that masquerades as 'romance' and I got bored of that ages ago.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 09:55 (twenty-two years ago)

But if it carrys on, it isn't a one night stand. I am not talking about game playing, I am saying that sometimes it is easier for all concerned. I am talking about one night stands or similar here, not relationships.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 09:57 (twenty-two years ago)

In what way 'easier' though?

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I find it easier to deal with the honest embarrassment of saying 'look, sorry, I didn't come and it seems like I'm not going to' than the dishonest embarrassment of faking it and having to agree with some guy that it was great when it wasn't.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:04 (twenty-two years ago)

it's surely more 'romantic' to think you can go thru life telling the unvarnished truth the whole time!!! or am i just irredeemably cynical and fuxxored? film 'eyes wide shut' to thread (it was rubbish, but the source, schnitzler, contains some uncomfortable truths)

i think archel is on the whole right, but...

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:05 (twenty-two years ago)

easier because you have less of an obligation emotionally? loving and caring for someone else take a lot of energy (but of course it's willful)

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Is everyone else talking about only orgasms caused by penetrative sex or something?

Er, that was sort of implied, I thought.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't really care if a woman fakes it, but it sends the inaccurate message that what you just did made her come.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I don't go through life telling the unvarnished truth or thinking I can, of course. But, speaking only for myself, *I* find it easier not to fake orgasms.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:11 (twenty-two years ago)

why, ricardo? as archel says, not all women are the same in this respect (eww eww eww -- why do i have to tell you this?!)

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't get me wrong, I am not 'faking' all the time. I have only ever faked once in my life which was many years ago. At the time it was easier to do than have a conversation about it. At the time it just wasn't going to happen to me. As I am in a committed ltr, i have no need to. That is where the complete honesty thing comes in for me.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:15 (twenty-two years ago)

HELLO! 'Performance' in bed is NOT about how many orgasms you can give a woman with your PENIS. I KNOW Martin can't be the only man here who understands that???

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I would definitely agree with that, for me an orgasm is a bonus!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I think we agree mostly anyway Pink, different strokes for different folks eh, as it were ;)

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:18 (twenty-two years ago)

wutchoo talkin bout archel?

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh completely. For some ppl I guess it's all about the finale. for me it's great when it happens, but it isn't the be all, end all of sex for me. I think it would be a pretty sad state of affairs if it was. There is plenty more good stuff to be enjoyed!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Erm, Enrique, Martin was making the distinction between orgasms caused by penetrative sex, and those caused by other means. I was assuming we were talking abt the former, given the context of a thread entitled 'A guy not coming/coming too late'.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:22 (twenty-two years ago)

'Performance' in bed is NOT about how many orgasms you can give a woman with your PENIS.

I am fully aware of this! It's just that the only situation where the coming earlier/later thing is really an issue is penetrative sex, IME.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought the thread might have veered off penetration, because people seemed to be jokingly envying Martin's GENERAL sexual prowess. But maybe I misread somewhere.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, it hadn't veered when Martin posted, so I assumed he was talking about penetrative sex.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I should stop posting to/reading this thread anyway. It's not doing my mood any good.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I wonder whether we'll ever get to the stage when the distinction isn't important?

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:33 (twenty-two years ago)

not to sound like a goddamned hippie or anything but thinking in ebb/flow rather than start/stop terms is a good way to ensure a better/more relaxed time at the activity/ies. that applies to anything at all, really--enjoying doing it for doing it's sake generally works better than attempts at end-goal achievement. (Jesus, I am a goddamned hippie!)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:35 (twenty-two years ago)

well exactly both of you -- it's a bit linear, this thread...

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just throwing a thought in (that's probably already been said, haven't read each response too carefully).

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:37 (twenty-two years ago)

When are we going to have those sex helmets that they had in the movie "Demolition Man" ?

― Mandee (Jerrynipper), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:38 (twenty-two years ago)

"Jokingly" envying?!?

I too thought that Martin makes a woman come three times with every penetrative fuck. Now I know he only makes her come one and a half times, that doesn't make things much better :(

I don't think it's helpful asuming that anyone on this thread sees it as a stop/start process (though Martin's totting up procedure may come close). Pinky and Archel seem to be speaking the truth, though if Sam wants to develop her comment above I'd be interested to hear that.

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos and Mandee I kiss you.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow, it's too bad I stayed fearfully away from this thread. There's been some interesting conversation.

Not that I have anything more to add that hasn't been said already, about fake orgasms, and one night stands and penetration/other means.

― Citizen Kate (kate), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:42 (twenty-two years ago)

ok, at the risk of saying too much, the "too late" has applied to me many times, esp. the first time I've slept with women (this is chronic--it's happened nearly every time). I get nervous/charged up/the peacock syndrome, not consciously but it's still there and it's very difficult to finish whatever the means. part of that is to do with figuring out each others' bodies--obviously no two people are alike, and because I've never really dated any particular "type" (I don't really think any two women I've ever slept with have had the same kind of body, really) and I try to approach things with as little baggage/few expectations as I can, so unless an instantaneous understanding re: positions/tempo/etc. is achieved it can be really difficult. it's enjoyable as all hell, but it doesn't necessarily mean the finish line is anywhere in sight.

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree. The first time with a new sexual partner is SO hard to get right. (actually, "so hard" is an unfortunate choice of words, sigh)

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:55 (twenty-two years ago)

the biggest problem with it is that I've met women who had the idea that if a guy doesn't come he doesn't find her attractive. which is totally crazy, obviously--I wouldn't be in bed w/them if I didn't find them attractive.

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 10:59 (twenty-two years ago)

First Night Angst is always difficult for the ladies. Because the expectation is that if a guy is nervous or excited, he'll come sooner. We're often not aware that guys' first night nerves can manifest themselves in not being able to come, so we interpret it negatively on our own lack of sexual attractiveness.

― Citizen Kate (kate), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:02 (twenty-two years ago)

and you shouldn't, though it's hard to say something like "would you believe I'm not coming because you're too attractive?" with a straight face. (though I've a hunch that saying it w/o a straight face would sort of work in the guy's favor anyway)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:04 (twenty-two years ago)

(or saying it w/one and making them laugh. because if they don't what the FUCK are you doing w/them to begin with?)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:04 (twenty-two years ago)

women who had the idea that if a guy doesn't come he doesn't find her attractive. which is totally crazy

Matos entirely OTM. I don't think I've EVER had the too quick problem on the first occasion. In fact, out of choice, I would probably not have penetrative sex on the first occasion as I know I get tense about it and it becomes a self-fulfilling (or not, ahem) prophesy.

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Even bringing up the attractiveness issue makes the girl IMMEDIATELY think it's an attractiveness issue. I think it's far better to state that it's a first night nerves thing, say that guys get stressed out, too. Don't even bring the female's attractiveness into it. Women certainly know what it's like to be too excited/stressed/nervous to come. I know *now* that it affects men in that way, I didn't know that a few years ago.

― Citizen Kate (kate), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:07 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, by the fourth or fifth time, when you're really comfortable and know what does and doesn't generally work, that's when it starts getting really good. obviously it can be good right off, but even then there's always room for improvement/adjustment.

Kate--I've never brought it up--it's been brought up to me. and I didn't necessarily know it was nerves. it's when you're on the brink of it and can't get past that brink that the nerves redouble and you start worrying etc.

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:12 (twenty-two years ago)

me: "let's just cuddle for awhile, ok?"
her: [sulks] "what am I doing wrong?"
me: "nothing! you're great!"
her: "I'm not attractive, am I?"
etc.

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Cut her off at the pass, before it gets to the "I'm not attractive" - right after the "what am I doing wrong?" and tell her "You're not doing anything wrong, I'm nervous and excited and being a Big Girl about my orgasm, and this will change with time and experience and trust when we get to know each better..." etc.

― Citizen Kate (kate), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:18 (twenty-two years ago)

usually I just tell her about my mom's stupid ex-husband, make her laugh, and go down on her again. works a treat.

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:20 (twenty-two years ago)

i think even before you have explained your first night nerves, the seed of doubt has already been sown in the girl's mind. I think your response above is best!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:22 (twenty-two years ago)

(I can't believe I just posted that)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, but the implication that you would like to know her better (Biblically, as well) and see her/have sex with her again is a very good salve to the self esteem.

― Citizen Kate (kate), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:24 (twenty-two years ago)

so no "since this is the last time we're ever going to do this..." then?

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:24 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is ridic.

― Mandee (Jerrynipper), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I'm just stating the scenario that worked for me, when a guy said it to me, in exactly the situation.

― Citizen Kate (kate), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't foresee myself being in that situation again anytime soon anyway*, so it's not something I'm immediately worried about. But it's a good tip, thanks Kate.

* actually I might be wrong about this but I don't want to get my hopes up

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:28 (twenty-two years ago)

(haha it's not obvious this has been on my mind a lot lately or anything has it?)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 11:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry about any confusion re penetration/other sorts of sex. I don't generally make the distinction or keep a separate count or anything, so it didn't really occur to me to do so here. I'm not sure why I would want to make that distinction, either. No woman has ever suggested to me that any orgasms in penetrative sex are better than others - generally the other way round.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 28 November 2003 13:35 (twenty-two years ago)

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MARTIN.

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 13:47 (twenty-two years ago)

isn't it the case for a lot of people that 'missionary' is the worst position with regards to both men and women orgasming (maybe not a word but i like that it features 'ming', haha)

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 28 November 2003 13:59 (twenty-two years ago)

well, that can't be true for everyone otherwise it'd've never taken off, surely?

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Enrique, if you've taken off during the missionary you're either doing it wrong or very, very right.

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:03 (twenty-two years ago)

god i hate this thread!

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:03 (twenty-two years ago)

The Missionary Position

Maybe people were wowed by nice missionary outfits?

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:04 (twenty-two years ago)

why didn't ile exist when i was in my 20's?

― gaz (gaz), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:04 (twenty-two years ago)

(personally, I think it's probably my favourite, or at least variations on it. I tend to prefer to be in control, and it gives me that, plus a lot of manouvreability and accuracy of movement)

(x-post)

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I quite like it too actually. At least it works well for me with regards to this thread's theme!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:07 (twenty-two years ago)

missionary is my least favourite, unless its the first time. missionary is good for a guy NOT coming pp?

― gaz (gaz), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:13 (twenty-two years ago)

that's a good thread. tom was otm, i think, hating on the missionary position is rockist.

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

is it gaz?? I would disagree, but then i aint a guy!!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't get me wrong, I am not a 'missionary position of nothing buddy' kind of gal!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Missionary is good for a guy not coming as he has far greater control over the stimulation he's getting rather than if the woman was taking the lead. It's also the best position for when you're motionless, you can take a break (as it were) and cuddle, kiss, gaze into each others' eyes etc.

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

'Performance' in bed is NOT about how many orgasms you can give a woman with your PENIS.

"Performance" in bed is all about how many orgasms you can give a woman with your elbows! GET IN THERE! (ooh unfortunate word choice, sorry)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, it could be Dan! Stranger things have happened.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:52 (twenty-two years ago)

FEAR MY MIGHTY ELBOWS

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

er, that's your ass dude

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

as alibi fer whoever, i did say 'more power to yer elbow' to martin upthread.

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

(I'm still trying to decide whether I want to actually engage with this conversation or hide behind jokes. I think the interesting part might be done already.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

God I really hope I didnt use the word 'rockist' on that thread.

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

the people's elbow

and rock bottom

― the rock, Friday, 28 November 2003 15:11 (twenty-two years ago)

tom, no you didn't literally say it, but i thought there was definite poppist subtext, ie you compared it [the missionary position] to the top forty.

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Hello, have I missed anything?

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know, where were you looking? Left a bit...

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't get the reference to 'coming too late'. Not coming at all is a concept I can deal with, but my mind boggles at the idea of coming too late. How late? When you've left the house?

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:09 (twenty-two years ago)

How do boys feel about *their own* non-penatrative orgasms?

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never had an orgasm through being penetrated.

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:42 (twenty-two years ago)

that's not what I meant, but hey that's a good angle on the question too! To be clear, I mean how do boys feel about their own orgasms achieved in the context of sexual activity with a partner but not during the act of penetration? Does it feel as real/are you as satisfied if you're jerking off for her voyeuristic pleasure, or if you're making out and rubbing against each other, for example?

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:45 (twenty-two years ago)

also we have not heard enough about same-sex situations on this topic!

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 28 November 2003 16:45 (twenty-two years ago)

well that killed the thread.

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 28 November 2003 19:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Personally, I've never found any great difference from an orgasm however it's caused. I don't enjoy manual as much along the way, but whether it's oral or vaginal or anal seems to be all very good indeed. Variety is good.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Friday, 28 November 2003 20:25 (twenty-two years ago)

TS: elbow vs armpit

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 November 2003 20:28 (twenty-two years ago)

orgasms = classic in whatever capacity

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 November 2003 21:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I was gonna post this on the missionary sweets thread that was linked to upthread, but that's been locked, so:

Haribo macht kinder froh
Und erwaschene ebenso!

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Saturday, 29 November 2003 00:07 (twenty-two years ago)

I just like reading these threads so I can see what Tracer Hand claims he 'would' and 'wouldn't' do!

― someone!, Saturday, 29 November 2003 01:05 (twenty-two years ago)

also we have not heard enough about same-sex situations on this topic!

NOT A THREAD KILLER. I will say this -- Just because you've got two females going at it doesn't mean they know the secrets to unlocking the female orgasm. Getting off has never been a big goal of mine. But naturally, I try/pray/wishuponastar to get her off with every sexual encounter.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Saturday, 29 November 2003 04:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not going to elaborate on this but this thread, including my contribution, is complete bullshit and rereading the whole thing just now reminded me how much everyone on earth likes to take their own very specific personal quirks and behaviors and make them out to be universal facts.

Though I will say I totally have the same experience as Kate vis a vis guy doesn't come = "God I am hideous".

― Allyzay, Saturday, 29 November 2003 07:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally I've always thought your comments on threads like these were really honest and free from generalisations etc etc. You make this sort of thing quite interesting.

― maryann (maryann), Saturday, 29 November 2003 07:47 (twenty-two years ago)

my response is similar to Kate and Ally's although not "I'm not attractive" as much as "I'm not as good at this as I thought! Let me keep trying please!!"

FWIW, and largely due I think to the various pyschotropic meds I've been on, orgasm during sex is not that important to me.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Saturday, 29 November 2003 08:41 (twenty-two years ago)

isn't it the case for a lot of people that 'missionary' is the worst position with regards to both men and women orgasming (maybe not a word but i like that it features 'ming', haha)

Really? From what I've heard, it's supposed to be beneficial for the female orgasm because it allows indirect stimulation of the clitoris, whereas some other positions, like the "doggy style", don't.

By the way, I agree with Ally, you shouldn't generalize your own experiences to "all men are like this" or "all women are like this". But that doesn't there aren't similar experiences for many, and it's interesting to discuss about them, as well as about our personal differences.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally, all we *can* talk about is our own experiences, unless we're Kinsey or whoever. Don't read it like we're all decreeing what is and isn't true.

― Markelby (Mark C), Saturday, 29 November 2003 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I like to jizz

― TOMBOT, Sunday, 30 November 2003 02:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I like not to, so as to make the woman think she's hideous.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 30 November 2003 02:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I love when people don't bother to read the bit of what I say that says "including myself".

This is so not something I'm explaining. Tuomas--you're fine. Don't worry one bit about yourself at all. Martin--I didn't take what you said as bragging, though it was WAY TOO MUCH INFO. Matt--You just made me laugh, kisses. Sam & Kate--You are OTM in basically all yr posts.

― Allyzay, Sunday, 30 November 2003 08:12 (twenty-two years ago)

this can happen if you're nervous, if you masturbate too frequently or without enough variation, if you're tired or drunk, or if the girl you've stuck your dick in is hideous

― cinniblount (James Blount), Sunday, 30 November 2003 08:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Gah, Ally - I read your post fine. How does your response alter "the whole thing just now reminded me how much everyone on earth likes to take their own very specific personal quirks and behaviors and make them out to be universal facts"??

― Markelby (Mark C), Sunday, 30 November 2003 15:38 (twenty-two years ago)

"whooooa whoooooooooooo SHIT JESUS!! GAH FUCK!!"

"Silence!! i'm concentrating on pleasure!"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 30 November 2003 23:53 (twenty-two years ago)

HAHAHAHAHA!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 1 December 2003 14:38 (twenty-two years ago)

This happened to me this weekend for the first time in recent memory, and the next day, I was thinking about this thread, and how I'm shocked that it was a bit useful with real life sex experiences.

I ran into a friend of a friend at a club, it was hot and heavy at the club and really quite nice at home as well. But it just wasn't happening for him.

And at first, the fact that I'd read most of this helped with the experience. Although I admit that I was wondering why he wasn't coming, I decided to learn from some of the experiences here and assume that he was nervous or drunk or whatever, rather than I am disgusting and he wasn't enjoying it at all.

But he didn't even send the obligatory text saying "I had a really nice time, see you around," so maybe it WAS me! :(

― Does it really matter?, Monday, 8 December 2003 11:12 (twenty-two years ago)

He probably just felt all fucked up about it.

― Andrew (enneff), Monday, 8 December 2003 11:20 (twenty-two years ago)

ie It's not you.

― Andrew (enneff), Monday, 8 December 2003 11:20 (twenty-two years ago)

after reading this thread i have the uncomfortable suspiscion that these posts will infiltrate my brain the next time i have sex, especially "i like to jizz" thank you tombot. my ability to climax will no doubt be compromised, nevermind the poor guy.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Monday, 8 December 2003 11:32 (twenty-two years ago)

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