the being dumped blues

I find baking a cake helps. A bit.

Sorry though :-(

(also, sorry if I seemed insensitive above. I do feel for you)

but i can have sex with other people, yes.

but masturbation never makes me feel guilty?

Take solace in the fact that your ex probably feels guilty as sin right now.

*waves hand*

and all the stereotypical stuff has followed. last night she was out all night with the stalker-ish guy with the huge crush on her who's part of all our problems.

i want to be a robot right about now.

getting dumped sucks, though, dudes. my most heartfelt condolences.

but you know.. i think jon wants to get hot dogs.

Play "Ride On" by AC/DC and drink this.

SIGH

tell us all about it...

she was crazy, you hott.

condolences, btw.

although admittedly that's all i know about you. comiserations, clay.

xpost madness.

THANKS GUYS.

Eh It was this thing. It'd been going on and off for about three years now. The girl is basically as emotionally developed as a snail, but other than that we tend to get along. We broke up really badly ten or eleven months ago, but she started it up again a few months back. We were taking it very slowly, etc. I really, desperately wanted it to work for awhile. But then she retreated, went back to not really giving anything of herself, then she didn't call me for two weeks and finally sent an email today that was like "oh uh yeah i'm letting go. not much to say except a few more i'm sorry's." WHUT? K THX.

THAT'S ALL THOUGH. I'm really not that broken up about this. Just kind of frustrated that someone would be that flippant and inconsiderate after all of that time. It's just kind of sad how much you can really NOT care about someone, or not really know them, even after years of effort towards both. Maybe that's why the blues.

there was an article about this in the Times-Moroder the other day

it's a weird feeling, to have spent all that intimate time with someone, and then for it to feel like it's completely evaporated. 3 yrs warrants more than an email - dude, that's really quite disgraceful behaviour on her part.

Yeah, I really know how to pick 'em, I suppose. I am beginning to think that my "type" is Disinterested and Emotionally Stunted.

clay, my own tendency is actually to act a bit like this girl is acting (closed off, will do anything to avoid confrontation, i'm guessing maybe passive-aggressive?) and it can be hard to get out of acting that way if that's how you're wired (i'm trying!). so cut her some slack but you're probably better off apart- that stuff can be draining. but maybe you need to ask yourself why you were so attatched to this person who gives so little of herself. relationships need a great deal of openness to sustain themselves.

totally projecting here but, hey.

xposts again.

also, drunk!

Sorry to hear about it, Clay. :( But it sounds like you deserve better...

you must, by force of will, not allow yourself to fall in love with emotional retards. I am attracted to these types, too, but eventually I learned it never works!

Jed --

Yeah, passive-aggressive to the max. I have cut her a great deal of slack over the years and been pretty understanding of her generally comatose emotional state. I think a great deal of my attachment, other than just the simple accumulation of time, was about those breaks of openness when she would really trust me and let me know what was going on with her. You probably know what I'm talking about here? Maybe something about being close to someone who so obviously is not actually very close to many people can be alluring.

But yes, being with her was always very draining. I certainly never felt my best around her because of that.

xpost -- thanks for all the help and condolences guys! I've been trying to post around here more lately, but it's nice to see when people respond to this sort of thing even though they don't know me well!

in Alc. Anon. they tell you that the best way to measure your self-image is by the kind of people you are attracted to (your mental health/self-esteem is roughly equal to that of the people you tend to crush on). If true -- eek

Yeah, double eek.

the upside is that you probably WON'T date another emotionally retarded person - ok, you probably will, but you'll recognise it a lot sooner and probably get out of the situation much more quickly.

i put up with the most outrageous behaviour from my ex, for 3 years. talk about emotionally retarded. but that experience has totally raised my standards when it comes to relationships and what i want out of one.

the same thing will probably happen for you. but let yourself grieve for a bit. a big chunk of your life has just come to an end, and it is sad, even if you are better off without her.

Clay, sorry to hear it.

Can I suggest that what might just conceivably suck worse than your situation is realizing that oneself is profoundly emotionally retarded, in such a situation? Because I have concluded this, and it is not a pleasant realization at all.

if you have enough self awareness to conclude that you're emotionallly retarded, then there's probably hope for you to change. and that's pretty awesome.

Thank you very much.

Maybe something about being close to someone who so obviously is not actually very close to many people can be alluring.

This is so OTM for me I got money up my bum.

I am beginning to think that my "type" is Disinterested and Emotionally Stunted.

-- Clay, Sunday, 22 July 2007 01:52

hi dere:(

and finally sent an email today that was like "oh uh yeah i'm letting go. not much to say except a few more i'm sorry's.

the correct response to this is to wait like 4 or 5 days, then respond "haha cool no problem;)"

lol transparent

in Alc. Anon. they tell you that the best way to measure your self-image is by the kind of people you are attracted to (your mental health/self-esteem is roughly equal to that of the people you tend to crush on). If true -- eek

That's fucking insane talk.

Seriously, that's so wrong in so many ways.

I mean, crushing on the unattainably amazing is also indicative of terrible mental health/self esteem in that it's completely avoidant.

Unless you mean your mental health is roughly equal to those you end up in relationships with, in which case I'm f*cked.

Yes but you readily admit the people you crush on aren't remotely related to reality!

I'm talking about IRL crushes, not celebrity/pop star crushes.

Unless you're saying that I have so far abandonned the idea of ever being in a relationship that even my IRL crushes aren't remotely related to reality.

That's probably true, too. :-(

Aw no, I didn't mean that!

I'm going to stop posting on this thread before mean kids come in and beat me up for being me. :-(

3 yrs warrants more than an email

OTM... it warrants a screaming fight, with gnashing of teeth and rending of clothing!

this emotionally retarded individual unfortunately sounds a bit like me. sadly, though, the first thing i thought upon reading the thread was the same thing jed said upthread.

CLAY IS THIS THE THREAD WHERE I BADMOUTH YOUR EX-GF?

WE'D NEED OUR OWN BOARD

She had dumb glasses.

Is that really all you got.

Well, to be fair, I barely know her, except through you talking about her. Even though we took a class together. But it was right after the breakup. And we did not make eye contact. Also it was a horrible class. Which gave me more time to focus on how awful her glasses were.

People who can't engage emotionally in a relationship because they're scared or whatever always just end up making you feel really lacking and bad when you're going out with them. If someone sez "You don't want to be with me, I'm too fucked" you should probably listen to them!
I'm sure you'll meet someone who makes you feel like you're rad.

oops! not to stereotype about good-looking ppl or nufin...

Thing is, if you treat a boy like he's "totally rad" then he thinks OMIGOD, SHE'S WAY TOO INTO ME, takes your enthusiasm for something sinister and runs away even faster.

You cannot win.

the way out of this is to have options. whenever theres been 2 or more options, i've pretty much got what i wanted with at least one of them. whenever theres only been one, i dont seem to play it as well. when theres none at all...uh, i dont get to play at all:/

What are these "options" of which you speak?

2 or more options means twice or greater chances of being rejected.

Oh, I'm going to go and boil my head. This is too depressing.

Thing is, if you treat a boy like he's "totally rad" then he thinks OMIGOD, SHE'S WAY TOO INTO ME, takes your enthusiasm for something sinister and runs away even faster.

You cannot win.

-- Masonic Boom

YES YES YES. jesus fucking christ, the number of times this has happened to me. but i refuse to play the game and treat someone like shit just so they'll stick around. i figure if a guy has this attitude, then he's not the guy for me.

taking this 'rationally' its the same as anything. if you see a car and you really want it, and you're worried someone else will buy it you only think of you driving the car and how good it'll be. if then you haven't enough money and then you rush around trying to borrow money thinking how great its going to be when you get this car and then a week later the car is still for sale you think, ok so i have a bit longer to raise the cash, then you have the cash and the car is still available, and the owner of the car rings up and says ok i still have it to sell, you think....hmmm, i wonder if there any other cars

Boys don't like girls, boys like cars and money.

ie, anything you cant have, you focus on the +,
anything you can have, you focus on the -

its called holding the cards

i'm not a boy, i'm a man.

Yes, we know, we can tell by the beard.

Boys don't like girls, boys like girls cars and money.

Oops. Well I'm too drunk to fix that.

Point is, FIXED.

Bugger.

What, that's what got you dumped? Buggering? :-(

Srsly, sorry to hear about split.

Yes, she was dead against butt-fucking.

[If only it was that simple! I would just stop bumming her, then everything would be fine.]

;_;

Also, Amazon screwed up my delivery, including Ghost Writer. It's stuck in Swindon until tomorrow. Not a good weekend!

Oh shit!

(You and me both--ok I wasn't dumped, but I am trying to finish my last chapter by tomorrow, 5pm. Possibly going crazy.)

Oh right. This still sucks.

The whole thing would have been easier if it hadn't taken a month, she wasn't leaving the door open to getting back together in the future, and we didn't live together. Perfect Storm.

^ almost me last night.

Deepest sympathies, man.

(Is it too soon to say "on the bright side, at least you're not stuck in Swindon until tomorrow"? Yeah, I expect it is.)

Sorry to hear.

Bugger.

-- caek, Sunday, 9 September 2007 19:07 (2 hours ago) Link

xpost, lols : )

im going through this at the moment too. im just imposing myself on friends and family as much as possible for now.

to all: this was my summer. i thought it would never end, but it did, and now things are weird but good. i know it sucks so much now, but GOOD WEIRDNESS is in all your futures, even if it really really really doesn't feel like it now.

I got dumped by a friend a few weeks ago, and I am still deeply, deeply baffled and hurt as to what the hell just happened. They refuse to talk to me so I'm left with no course of action - and I didnt even do anything wrong (that much I do know). I have never felt such a biting loss of someone that meant a lot before. It sucks :(

Aw, I'm sorry Trayce. :(

It still makes me so sad. But, I cant do anything about it (lord knows I have tried, to no avail). Ive taken it so personally, like I must be a pretty crappy person :/

Yeah, if someone leaves you off with refusing to talk, and in such a seemingly random fashions, I very much doubt it's to do with you (by which I mean something that merits taking it very personally). They sound like they have, uh, issues of their own. My condolences, tho.

i just got dumped after about 2 months. was via text which was a bit annoying but she said if she tried to do it by phone she wouldnt be able to. not sure i believe that. also had the 'i really like you but its realistically not going to work' usuals. granted, her reason was cos we live a bit far but still.... initially i took it gracefully then er not so gracefully then i apologised today and er i think thats it really.

would have been nice to actually talk about it but she says her 'life is too complicated' and some stuff has happened which she wont tell me about which is a) annoying b) makes me worry a bit for her cos i hope shes alright. she could just be being a drama queen of course but i hope its nothing major.

how're you feeling now? *huggelz*

I wouldn't worry about her -- there's a good chance "some stuff has happened" is the vague/polite way of saying "I have gotten involved with activities/people/socialization here that keeps me busy and engaged enough that I can't keep attention on something that's not in front of me." So you just make sure the same is true of yourself!

after 2 months is kind of the make it or break it time

dont feel bad about it.

i think i said some stuff i perhaps didnt need to. or at least, I felt like i needed to say it, but maybe it was a bit unnecessary as two months isnt that long really is it? too late now - but i hate it when people give you all sorts of mixed signals.

two months can feel like forever if you really get in deep

well its like when you talk to someone every day and then suddenly decide - after constantly asking you if you do want a relationship or not - that they cant do this anymore as they think the distance is too long but still want to talk to you every day but now as friends, i cant help but get a bit annoyed. esp cos i wd like to keep talking to them but now feel like ive been fucked around a bit.

weird thing was though when we did chat after she decided we should end things is that we both felt more relaxed on the phone. she even said she didnt have that funny feeling in her stomach anymore. i dont know if this is a good or bad thing.

how far away does she live from you?

about an hr and a half. im starting to think the whole thing was a load of bollocks and waste of time. its not like i was the one making all the effort, but i should have probably called time on it before.

btw if it were me i would stop talking to her on the phone like right now, spare yourself this hosebeast wuss who can't even tell you with her own voice but then still wants to chat every day, does she not realize how this behavior is fucking with your head??

i told her i didnt really wanna speak regularly the day after she broke it off. but then she still texted me. i just told her i didnt wanna hear from her anymore. i think shes immature. shes a bit younger than me. that combined with her need for some attention (to be fair she has had some fucked up things happen to her) might make her act more stupidly.

An hour and a half? That's like how long it takes to get from the Upper East Side to Coney Island. Does not qualify as LDR.

it is if you're a swivel-head

sorry titch i know it's still raw but text dumpers get 0 sympathy from me

The fuck is a swivel-head?

im not sympathising with her really. just pissed off after i (calmly) told her i didnt want to hear from her anymore and she hasnt even bothered responding (yet). says it all really.

their attention wanders to whatever's just passed by their nose

xpost

Sorry, I probably should have guessed that but I was searching too hard for some more obscure meaning...

just pissed off after i (calmly) told her i didnt want to hear from her anymore and she hasnt even bothered responding (yet). says it all really.

there's an irony in there somewhere.

sorry for your break-up, titchy. text dumpings are especially sour - count yourself lucky it wasn't a fax :-)

or a homing pigeon.

yeah you wouldn't have found out for ages.

a telegram might have been nice.

...or a tatooed baby.

Is there a thread for being the dumper...? That can be pretty stressful as well sometimes. Especially if the person is already the frail and insecure type (I'm speaking from recent experience here)...

DUMPEE TRANSLATION RESOURCE:

"Complicated stuff I can't really talk about" = Met somebody else, been cheating on you.

"Let's just be friends" = I never want to see you again, in any situation.

I live in fear of getting dumped, think my gf is out of my league anyway...

just as as long as you dont show that fear of being dumped or act like shes out of your league....

benig dumped i can handle though. its feeling like ive been played or taken for a ride that irks me.

Maybe I could keep her in the basement for like, 30 years?

prob safe to say that by the end of the 30 years, she wont be out of your league anymore.

Dunno, most women aren't really into nutters who would keep them locked in a basement for ages. That's the downside I suppose.

why do you want her to respond when you said "leave me alone."? isn't she just doing what you asked her to, and you're getting annoyed by that?

the next grozart, there's a great thread somewhere where everyone is giving matt dc advice on how to break up with someone.

bodrick, stop putting her on a pedestal. think of your needs.

"why do you want her to respond when you said "leave me alone."? isn't she just doing what you asked her to, and you're getting annoyed by that?"

yes. her not even saying 'sorry' or something just makes it seem like my hunch that there was fuck all there is right.

eg - when she texted me yesterday it was to tell me that she got lost while driving not that far from where i live which makes the 'ohhh its too far!' thing more of a joke.

may i suggest going out and getting really drunk?

Why is it so hard for people to just say, "look, I met someone else and I really don't feel anything for you anymore"? Of course it sucks to hear that from someone, but I'd have gotten over a couple of my break-ups a hell of a lot quicker if some honesty would have been used. I'd rather hear it from your mouth than getting half-assed excuses followed by seeing you with another guy two weeks later.

^ this
doesn't solve anything but still really important
xpost to bell_labs

bodrick, stop putting her on a pedestal. think of your needs.

Nah, it's alright, it's been six months now, I think it'll be OK. I'm a bit older, she's at uni, so I worry about all those drunken nights out and sleazy boys.

benig dumped i can handle though. its feeling like ive been played or taken for a ride that irks me.

-- titchyschneiderMk2, Monday, 28 April 2008 17:38 (27 minutes ago) Link

yeah this is otm, it also poisons any real chance you have at a real friendship in the future

yeah thats what i txted her. so not having any response just makes me think she cant even be arsed about friendship. its not all bad - ive been dating a couple of other ppl over the last few weeks cos i never felt 100% secure with this one so its not like ive got nothing, but its still a bit shit...

HAI THERE

hope it goes okay....

it would be better if i hadn't been replaced, albeit temporarily, in her affections by a travelling carpet-installation guy.

wow, thats some shit

time will make it better I guess.

funny, i was just dumped this weekend, too.

I suppose it's better i wasn't cheated on. but it's hard to hear someone tell you they don't love you.

hard too when they were the person you went to when you were sad.

hard too when they were the person you went to when you were sad. <-- this is exactly true.

I've had these for like four months now. I really hope they go away soon. She's invited me to her birthday party on friday, and I'll probably end up going even though it's blatantly a terrible idea.

Shit, Remy. I'm sorry, man.

the 'doing stupid things after being dumped which are blatantly terrible ideas' is all part of the vicous cycle and is unavoidable. Even if you've done it a million times before.

Ouch.

Why is it that every person who dumps you ever immediately goes for someone clearly inferior to you shortly after. One of life's many all-caps WTFs.

I nearly revived this thread to post the Wodehouse quote I posted to what's the funniest sentence or two or paragraph you read today? stuff from ilx not allowed!. Bummer to see it revived for more serious reasons. Sorry remy. Go kill some bears if that helps.

My turn! Seven and a half years till this afternoon. Middle of the night now and non one to talk to. Feeling a bit shit to be honest. :(

Just happened to a friend of mine - 7 or so years. He was dumped on his birthday ans she was the one who had an affair. He was more pissed than sad as far as I could tell. Said he ended up going to see a movie alone after he was dumped (The Spirit which ended up being a sucky movie as well).

Herm, what can I tell u since I never get dumped - since I never am in a relationship. All I can say is that you should be due for a spiritual awakening with a fresh new start and new energy.. you have experience of a long lasted love life and that too will help you when finding the right girl

But until then - get angry and bottle up the sadness

Chuck, Whisky. Whisky, Chuck. Sorry to hear about yr situation. Prior to my current 4-year stint, I'd never made it past 1.5 years, so I can't really empathize. Indulge, gallavant, cry your eyes out and burn it out of your system as quickly as possible: this has been the best approach for me in the past.

sorry chuck

commiserations...hope you can struggle through

Oh, man. Commiserations, dude.

we groove together buddy

Don't know who to talk to. Crying all day. Partner says she despises me.
My sister is having a baby today, should be one of my life's happiest days.
This is the worst day I've ever lived. Sorry. So sad.

Sorry, don't answer that.

I'm so sorry Chuck. It might help to get some fresh air outside, if you can.

and you don't have to apologize, it's understandable.

chuck! so sorry to hear it. hang in there bud.

Dumped and loving it. Kinda. Almost.
Well, it's not so bad.

:-( since when?

Over lunch yesterday. Classy, eh?
And we even work in the same library!
But it's really not so bad, was the right thing to do, blah blah blah.