Lather, Rinse, Repeat

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I noticed the label on a bottle of olive oil read "store in a cool, dark place." It struck me that if one word were added, the admonition would go from ridiculous to sublime. To wit: "Store in a cool, dark, secret place." What other common phrases would benefit from the addition of one word?

Acid Reflux House Music with DJ Pepcid

― Skottie, Monday, 3 May 2004 15:39 (twenty-one years ago)

"Use as fucking directed"

― oops (Oops), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:42 (twenty-one years ago)

"For external use only, fuckface."

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

not exactly following the rules, but "Extreme Takeover" The Fab Five lead the U.S. forces into unsuspecting dictatorships and transform the government, the military, and of course, hairstyles. "No pleats on the uniform, Sadam! No ma'am!"

― Skottie, Monday, 3 May 2004 15:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Take about two tablets every 6 hours.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

ORANGE CREME ALERT

― oops (Oops), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do not dispose of self in fire or short circuit"

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do not remove pants by punishment of law"

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Place one tea bag in your favorite cup. Add boiling water, and let steep 4 to 6 minutes. Remove tea bag. Cry.

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:56 (twenty-one years ago)

"Keep out of reach of small, mischievous children."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Based on a 2,000,000 calorie diet. Your daily vaules may be higher or lower...

― Skottie, Monday, 3 May 2004 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not feed the animals children.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

"Microwave on high for 5 THOUSAND minutes."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

I sense a trend...

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Caution: Contents hot for your girlfriend.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:04 (twenty-one years ago)

"To thaw: place frozen filets in plastic bag under running HOT water."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:04 (twenty-one years ago)

may contain Mr. Peanuts

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Chill out before serving.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

"Remy Martin: Fine Champagne Cognac an' shit"

― Skottie, Monday, 3 May 2004 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

"Massage gently into scalp with CHICKEN fingers."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Place one tea bag in your favorite cup. Add boiling water, and let steep 4 to 6 minutes. Remove tea bag. Cry.

Just another day at home with the Cure. (If you serve it with Chunks o' Sadness.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Contents under peer pressure.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 3 May 2004 16:29 (twenty-one years ago)

See Ingredients Below Hairy Flap

― Chris 'The Velvet Bingo' V (Chris V), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Close cover before striking your children.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:03 (twenty-one years ago)

one word fules!

― oops (Oops), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:04 (twenty-one years ago)

blow me

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:05 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, on my sunkist fruit and grain bar it says "see ingredients below flap"

― Chris 'The Velvet Bingo' V (Chris V), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:05 (twenty-one years ago)

"if condition persists, consult doctor j"

― oops (Oops), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:06 (twenty-one years ago)

"serves 4-6 right"

― mark p (Mark P), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:18 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do not drive or operate machinery, idiot"

― C J (C J), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Keep away from water, MORANS!

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Caution: Men Working It Overhead

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Twist your red knob to break seal.

― Skottie, Monday, 3 May 2004 17:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not use if performing seal under cap is torn or missing.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Refrigerate lube on opening

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Exposure to temperatures above 130F may cause bursting bladders.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:44 (twenty-one years ago)

U.S. inspected and passed over by Department of Agriculture.

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Please shake well, then smash with cement block.

(Hola, J.Lu!)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:49 (twenty-one years ago)

This product has not been tested on really cute animals

― C J (C J), Monday, 3 May 2004 17:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not heat soup with trucker cap on.

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 3 May 2004 18:53 (twenty-one years ago)

keep out of reach of tall children

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 3 May 2004 18:56 (twenty-one years ago)

For external use only, OMG.

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Use as Spike Lee directed.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:12 (twenty-one years ago)

If product gets into eyes, immediately flush with cold water while screaming

― C J (C J), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I was looking at my Imitrex to see if I could add anything to it, and I don't think it needs tweaking:

"Headache may repeat in 2 hours as needed."

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

"Use caution and hands while operating a car or dangerous machinery."

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

caution: wet paint (will get on you)

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:18 (twenty-one years ago)

tumble dry hump

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:22 (twenty-one years ago)

it is now safe to turn off your shitty computer

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:24 (twenty-one years ago)

The page cannot be found, asshat.

― David R. (popshots75`), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Tip: Try removing quotes from your search to get sexy results.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Warning: Unauthorized reproduction of this recording is prohibited by Federal law and subject to criminal prosecution. Bloodclaaat!

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Okay, that made me laugh milk out my nose, and I wasn't even drinking milk.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:50 (twenty-one years ago)

- you are pregnant or breast-feeding Satan.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I could be doing lines of Carnation instant breakfast!

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:51 (twenty-one years ago)

haha "could be"

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:54 (twenty-one years ago)

smoking seriously affects image of health

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Percent daily values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs, Matt, you big fat Tony Soprano-looking piece of shit.

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 3 May 2004 19:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't steal music, please?

― chrisco (chrisco), Monday, 3 May 2004 23:49 (twenty-one years ago)

CAUTION: You may wish to keep your stolen credit card numbers in a more secure location.

(Also, unedited, again on the Imitrex: CAUTION: READ WARNING.)

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 3 May 2004 23:51 (twenty-one years ago)

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 3 May 2004 23:51 (twenty-one years ago)

it is now safe to turn off your shitty computer

Or perhaps:

It is now safe to turn off your computer date.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 3 May 2004 23:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not use if foil seal is broken-hearted.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 3 May 2004 23:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I love this thread, it is quite DaDa (the movement not the damn photo posting git).

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 3 May 2004 23:59 (twenty-one years ago)

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a gangbang but a whimper.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"Store in an airtight baby container after opening."

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:05 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do not freeze testicles."

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:06 (twenty-one years ago)

To avoid a late fee, please pay it forward by the due date.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:06 (twenty-one years ago)

"Shake yo' ass well side to side."

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:07 (twenty-one years ago)

"Use only if underpants foil is intact."

Proof the word 'underpants' is witty and relevant in any context.

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

store in cool place, man

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:13 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do not block circular driveway."

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:16 (twenty-one years ago)

offer expires while you wait (ok I stole that one)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:17 (twenty-one years ago)

This programme is rated MA, for mature audiences. It contains:

(S) sexual cucumber references
(L) high level coarse fucking language
(N) some Vanstone nudity
(V) medium level pencil violence

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:20 (twenty-one years ago)

smooth operators are standing by

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:21 (twenty-one years ago)

booty call now!

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:21 (twenty-one years ago)

"But wait! There's more erotic aubergine farming!"

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Handle titties with care

― Dante-Cubed (Sean3), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:23 (twenty-one years ago)

may contain traces of deez nuts

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:30 (twenty-one years ago)

may contain traces nuts!

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:31 (twenty-one years ago)

(cos they aint anywhere on me, haha)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:31 (twenty-one years ago)

… Or are they?

― Dante-Cubed (Sean3), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I may have no nuts but I have balls, so don't try it.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 00:55 (twenty-one years ago)

handle with care-free tampons

― didijustsaythat?, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 02:11 (twenty-one years ago)

DON'T TRY IT MOM

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 02:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not try this at my home.

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 02:49 (twenty-one years ago)

SMOKING KILLS CONVERSATION

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 02:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Say this to a hot girl:

You're grounded. Go to my room.

― Dante-Cubed (Sean3), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 02:57 (twenty-one years ago)

The League of Extraordinarily Endowed Gentlemen?

― didijustsaythat?, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:03 (twenty-one years ago)

smoking cock while pregnant may harm your baby

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Warning: Coldplay may cause drowsiness

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:12 (twenty-one years ago)

SMOKING KILLS the munchies

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Take two tablets dancing, twice daily.

― didijustsaythat?, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn straight that be the case Autumn.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

not to be taken seriously

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:18 (twenty-one years ago)

If pain persists, see a doctor of mirth.

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:20 (twenty-one years ago)

If pain persists, see you jimmy.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:22 (twenty-one years ago)

(NB not you, Jim)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Sex good clean fun for children of all ages

― jim wentworth (wench), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Enter your PIN urethrally.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:30 (twenty-one years ago)

not recommended for molesting children under the age of 3 years

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:33 (twenty-one years ago)

And now, a word from our sponsored 3rd world child.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:33 (twenty-one years ago)

no user serviceable private parts inside

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:34 (twenty-one years ago)

you guys are cracking me up

― didijustsaythat, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Coke adds a life sentence

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Watch instructions:

Pass wind at least once or twice a week.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:38 (twenty-one years ago)

This is why I love the english language so =)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not puncture or incinerate cancer patient, even when empty.

― didijustsaythat?, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't remember if strikethrough works or not, but:

Please allow 6-8 weeks for relationshipping.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:42 (twenty-one years ago)

legs may be opened officially

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:43 (twenty-one years ago)

No Refills :_(

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:46 (twenty-one years ago)

For thine is the kingdom, and the power of Greyskull, and the glory forever.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Check with your doctor if you plan to become a pregnant pause while using this medicine.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Push down & turnip

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Close cover before striking anyone

― jim wentworth (wench), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Extremely flamable: Wow

― jim wentworth (wench), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 03:57 (twenty-one years ago)

If irritation occurs, discontinue cocaine use.
Use only in a well-ventilated arena.
Not to be taken intentionally.
Store at 55 - 79 degrees longitude.
Avoid contact with Yamatsuka eyes.
In case of fire, pull my handle.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:01 (twenty-one years ago)

... one nation, under God, indivisible, etfuckingcetera ...

― Aaron A., Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:02 (twenty-one years ago)

WARNING: May cause drows.

(Or):

WARNING: May cause dro
fillerfillerfillerw
fillerlafillerfillers
fillerlafillerlafilleri
fillerlafillerlafillerla...

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn non-monospaced fonts.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Aim arse towards centre of room and spray for 2 - 3 seconds.

― didijustsaythat?, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:06 (twenty-one years ago)

WARNING: Big Brother may cause drowsiness

― didijustsaythat?, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Tep and Sean, you really brought it to the table with those ones... great stuff. I love this thread!

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, I still want to know what pencil violence is, cuz it sounds hella cool.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 04:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Contains scenes of graphite violence.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 11:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Parking violations will be prosecuted by Lucy lawless.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Objects in mirror may be closer to God than they appear.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Watch for crack rocks in the road.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Slow children at play. Help yourself!

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Slow-climaxing children at play.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Diane Lane's merge ahead.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Consult your doctor or other healthcare provider before taking this product rectally.

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Caution: you're a moron.

― hmmm (hmmm), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

No Minor Thirds beyond this point.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:17 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be this tall to ride Mongo.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Just add dirty water.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:19 (twenty-one years ago)

All this DEATH can be yours for only 5 easy payments of $19.95!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Warning! Danger of anal electrocution.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Make love illegal, not war.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Warning: Risk of really cool explosion.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:42 (twenty-one years ago)

(Side comment: truly, simply, a genius thread.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I Love Everything | New Answers | Unanswered Questions | Ask Momus A Question

― Skottie, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Void where prohibited by Jude Law.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Refrigerate booty after opening

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Avoid Contact with evil eye.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Remove, screw and batter(y) cover.

Do not mix old cream-cheese and new batteries.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Dial "9" to get punched out.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Stop, drop, pop-lock and roll

― Nate in ST.P (natedetritus), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:28 (twenty-one years ago)

In case of fire, break Phillip Glass.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Right of admission to my arse reserved.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:48 (twenty-one years ago)

The moral right of the author has been totally asserted.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:49 (twenty-one years ago)

No animals were mentally harmed in the making of this picture.

― Nate in ST.P (natedetritus), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 16:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Any similarity to actual fat persons is purely coincidental.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 16:17 (twenty-one years ago)

No fondling of pets allowed.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 16:21 (twenty-one years ago)

No shirt, no shoes, no Secret service.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 16:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Do not swallow, unless you like it, you slut!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 16:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Tuomas! This is rather...direct...for a reserved Nordic type.

― Skottie, Wednesday, 5 May 2004 04:04 (twenty-one years ago)

may cause mad drowsiness, yo

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

As with all drug products, children under 6 years of age should be supervised when using crank.

― Chris 'The Velvet Bingo' V (Chris V), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Contents of this cup may be hot, numbnuts.

― j.lu (j.lu), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 17:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Paper jam: open left door and clear ash tray.

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Toys R Useless

― Skottie, Sunday, 9 May 2004 14:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Microwave safe sex

― Skottie, Sunday, 9 May 2004 15:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Ignorance is blis-tex.

― Skottie, Sunday, 16 May 2004 15:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Japanese miso horny soup

― Skottie, Wednesday, 19 May 2004 18:28 (twenty-one years ago)

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