engagement advice

I proposed to my wife on Halloween exactly two years to the evening we'd met. I hid the ring in a jackolantern.

...about what she might like, i mean (what stone, what shape, etc.)

what kind of thingy did you hide in the pumpkin, AiNYC? how did you pick?

I would melt if someone gave me a ring with a stone made out of meteorite.

I put the ring box in the pumpkin where the candle should've been (i asked her to light the jack'o'lantern....etc. etc. )

http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/08/13/2010256&threshold=3

Then one year to the day after we met and became a couple I took her to *******, it was too crowded during the day by the waterfront, so we saw Spiderman 2, then after we left the theater she asked "where do you want to go now?" and I pointed to the grassy park right across from the theater, by the water, and said "over there."

When we got out to the top of this little lump in the park, she was looking up trying to count how many stars she could see, and I was pointing out some, and then while she was staring straight up at the night sky I got down on one knee and took out the box which had been in the cargo pocket of my shorts all day long and when she turned back to look at me I proposed. That part was a surprise. I'm not sure how, but it was. It's all worth it, for the smile you get, and then watching her spend inordinate amounts of time staring at her finger. You made it! Dream come true! Etc.

The moral of the story is I WIN.

Personally if I got an engagement ring I'd like a plain gold ring, so it could last a long time. And I don't like jewels that much. But if someone I liked got me any kind of ring, I'd wear it happily. I mean what is up with not liking an engagement ring given to you by your future husband, who you accept? Not logically possible. But if it was the wrong size, that would be bad.

revive this
dudes gimme some advice:
is it gotta be diamondz?
do you gotta spend thousandz?

This is so sweet, I don't remember ever seeing this thread before!! Awwww mooks.

My husband proposed by falling drunk off a bar stool in Paris and landing in a heap at my feet. No diamonds (expensive or otherwise) were involved.

We did go shopping for a ring a few weeks later. After much fruitless looking at tasteless rocky lumps in Bond Street we ended up in a second-hand jewellers in Wood Green that had a beautiful silver ring with some kind of gemstone in it. I tried in on and it fit perfectly. The jeweller made the biggest mistake of his career by telling us that it cost £9. HELLOO I AM TRYING IT ON MY WEDDING FINGER SAY IT COSTS £200 YOU FULE NOBODY WILL BUY A £9 ENGAGEMENT RING

i enjoy the cute story upthread from alex in nyc

lol @ me

Of course it doesn't have to be diamonds, it's just the tradition and one can break those, y'know. :-) Try to find out what she likes. Check what she wears to get an idea of her style.

I think the rule in Japan is that it has to be about three times your monthly wage. But I don't think I have heard it being used outside said country although in the US they seem to give big stones. Here it very much depends on the couple.

Jesus, I think mine was about a fifth of my other half's monthly wage. I chose it myself the week after we decided we were going to get married.

Yeah I think it's de beers that does the bit about "How else can you make 3 months salary last forever?"

I think the rule in Japan is that it has to be about three times your monthly wage. But I don't think I have heard it being used outside said country although in the US they seem to give big stones. Here it very much depends on the couple.

― Nathalie (stevienixed), Saturday, December 5, 2009 8:09 AM (42 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i think here in america its that at least two african miners need to have died to obtain your diamond

I have read 6 weeks or two months (UK) - never 3 before? Obviously you should only pay attention to this stuff if you/yr spouse will find the fact you spent $$$ a gratifying one.

I designed own ring here: http://www.holtsgems.com/ - fun!

If neither you nor yr girl care about diamonds get a fairly large and very bright but relatively low clarity stone, VS1 or VS2, from somewhere ethical like Canada - that will keep parents/relations happy and impressed for a reasonable price - then flank it with other cool stones.

Dude, what the fuck, VS? I would never ever go for anything higher than SI because, with the naked eye, you can't tell the different between Loupe Clean, VVS, VS or SI. So SI is the way to go (for me anyway). You're right about the high colour.

Mosenite is a good alternative and it come from space.

De Beers are fucking evil, so avoid diamonds plz

Moissanite

hmm!
some good points
some band points
what means vs and si, dudes?
and fuck the whole 3mo wages bullshit, there's never any money around.

vintage rings are the way to go. and more morally sound.

Gravel Puzzleworth, are you teh marrieds!???!?

VS, SI etc: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diamond_clarity#Gemological_Institute_of_America_.28GIA.29

Nathalie, I said VS because it said on that page "SI1 denotes a higher clarity grade than SI2. These may or may not be noticeable to the naked eye" - I agree no-one will actually see the flaws in an SI1 diamond but it is worth the £50 extra to have a completely clear & unworried conscience when someone is looking?

Going to a jewelery quarter is really fun, I wd definitely recommend that.

x-post I am teh engaged! I will be married next summer though!

awwww mookie!

My wife and I are both kinda "eh what's the point" about jewelry, so we just gave each other plain silver bands with the promise of gold bands to come.

Yes, if anyone gave me a diamond I'd have to throw it back and ask what I ever did to make them think I wanted money spent on that drek. This is probably why no one ever has.

yea i think i am leaning towards silver myself for the value and everybody and they mama got gold.
and i think my gurl likes peridot so there's that too
i was just looking and it seems the rings with above descrip are like a couple hondo. and i asked a couple coworkers and they all said thousands they spent. but they were like platinum and big diamondz. i have to face the fact that i really want this to be a "christmas present" and there is no way i can spend thousands.

There are lots and lots of nice art rings out there for a few hundred bucks.

the whole notion of spending thousands of dollars on a piece of bling when you can least afford it is the definition of insanity. that's some powerful kool-aid there.

I did this recently. My tip is to go with a style that your partner would appreciate. My gf (I hate the f word and so does she) isn't the bling type so I was lucky wasn't trying to prove my worth with a huge expensive rock set in platinum. I did my research in independent designer/makers and boutiques in my area and found one that complimented her style. Independents tend to have a more interesting number of individual styles and don't charge the same mark-up as high-end retailers. Keep it individual it means more.

i can't think of any girl i know who would need their boyfriend/fiancé to 'prove their worth' with a giant rock. i think this is an outdated cliché and most people are just happy to be with the person they love.

Watch De Beers get more and more crazed as their shitty empire crashes around them! Mwahahaha.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who needed me to prove my worth via gigantoid gems. 1) Lame, shallow (duh); 2) Like I'll ever be in a financial position to do so. U OUTTA LUCK, DUDE

good
i am just looking for validation of the fact that almost everyone i have asked in person told me they spent thousands, and there is no way in hell i am going to do that. it's good to know there are others like me.

thanks gravel puzzleworth for the link gonna peep that

Well, it depends on who you ask! In some circles, I understand that nothing less than a competitive (or at least respectable) size of stone and/or heirloom ring will do. I just think that's a lot of shit, is the thing.

IIRC a thread on justin3's ring which i believe is some super cool technofuturist tungsten thing.

Whenever I start to get bummed out about having made a bunch of life choices that put me pretty out of step with normal society, feeling all alienated, I think about insane like the three month's salary rule and I feel a bit better.

^insane shit

Agreed. I had to be at a street thing on Madison Ave yest. in the shopping district of Michael Kors/Fred Leighton/David Yurman/Dolce & Gabbana/etc, surrounded by cooing and fake-smiling people who were carrying my annual salary in the form of handbags and fur coats. Could not be happier not to be part of that in any way, tbh. I'll take my financial woes over the UES, truly.

what means UES?

Upper East Side

ctrl+f "he went to jared!!!!" - not found

1. don't get a peridot, even if she does like it. its a really really soft stone, and this is gonna be a ring she'll wear every day and it'll get banged about a bit. i wanted a peridot too - i'm not a diamond kind of girl and really wanted a pale green stone - but ended up getting a green sapphire instead. green sapphires are almost as hard as diamonds: my stone cost just $95, it's a decent size, it has high clarity, no flaws, and isn't synthetic. my favourite thing about it is that it changes colour in different light.

2. don't get silver. unless she really loves silver in particular: white gold isn't too expensive. my rings are 14k white gold and for an engagement band + matching wedding band, it was about $400 (i think), not including the stone.

3. think about the kind of finish you want, there are at least 3 different kinds (shiny, brushed, etc)

4. unless you are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY convinced you know EXACTLY what she wants, i would suggest proposing with a goofy toy ring, with the promise you'll take her shopping for the real deal. this is a piece of jewelry she'll (hopefully) wear forever, and it really does need to be just right.

5. get a meaningful inscription in the band. it's a nice touch, and it's something you can come up with yourself to make it just from you, esp. if she ends up choosing the ring herself. my husband came up with a beautiful 'coded' inscription that i absolutely love.

6. not sure where you're located, but shane company is where i got my rings, and they have a huge selection, great prices, and you choose the setting and stone separately. they also offer a LIFETIME guarantee on the rings: if the stone breaks or dislodges and you lose it, they'll replace it free of charge. they also polish for free. and their stones came with certificates of authenticity. they also have this great deal for people on a budget: if you buy a stone for, say, $100 and then in 5yrs time you're a bit richer and want to buy a bigger stone, you can upgrade and they will buy back the original stone for the price you paid.

p.s. everyone my husband asked about rings told him they spend a min. of $10,000. imo, that's ridiculous unless you make at least $150,000 a year. that kind of money is a deposit on a house, and i'd rather have a house than a ring. i love my ring, it's exactly what i wanted and i didn't have to settle just because we didn't want to bankrupt ourselves. you just have to look around for a good price.

Whats wrong with silver? (as opposed to white gold?)

When I was still with Nick we were gonna get platinum bands with engravings in Alienese (lol nerds) for kicks. Til we found out how freakin expensive platinum rings are.

Also 10k on a piece of jewellry is ridic.

silver, imo, just looks kind of garish on a 'serious' piece of jewelry i.e. a wedding ring.

i originally wanted titanium, but they're next to impossible to resize (which is pretty much inevitable as you age).

i'm a lucky guy - my fiancee inherited an heirloom wedding band from her grandma. she was like "when you want to ask me to marry you just take this to a jeweler and get it resized, i'm a 6."

doing/paying for that was my Act of Sacrifice or whatever tools pay hella k's for otherwise

Last night me and gf were enjoying some Taco Bell and my sauce packet said "Will you marry me?" on it. I handed it over to her, all serious like, and we enjoyed an awkward laugh. Awkward because we've been together 5 1/2 years now.

People at work are starting to give me shit about it and suggesting ways to propose.

uuggh wait till you're married and suddenly everyone thinks it's ok to ask 'when' you're having kids. always get an uncomfortable response when i say 'uh we're NOT'.

It might be really hard to guess what kind of designs she would like - all the jewellery I normally buy is unusual or contemporary but I surprised myself by wanting to go for a classic engagement ring.

You might want to check with her family, if that's feasible - my b/f talked to my parents first and found out that my mum wanted to give me a diamond from a ring she'd inherited (too bling for her!) so I got a nice diamond, got to choose the design and b/f only paid for the ring itself to get made. (Way way less without buying the diamond itself).

It's a huge decision as she'll have to wear it for a long time, so probably good to involve her in it. And no you don't have to spend loads. I would have been a bit freaked if my b/f had tried to choose it or tried to spend insane amounts on it. (NB he proposed with a Hula Hoop :)

we had a couple of heirloom possibilities: my mother-in-law had a platinum band with an empty setting, but my husband didn't think i'd like it. my mother also offered me the ring from her first marriage, but 1. it was yellow gold, which i never wear 2. her first husband was a complete psychopath and i didn't really feel like wearing a daily reminder of what a complete asshole he was. just seemed creepy to me.

yeah i also ended up going for something fairly traditional in the end, even tho i orig wanted something really modern and unusual.

here is a pic of my rings:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2564/4168323840_10eb3a35fe_o.jpg

Really love those.

wow thanks for the detailed advice, guys! i think i will just get some goofy toy thing for the "actual" proposal, and act like "no that is _the_ ring . . . just kidding! we gotta pick one together."

i was starting to go over the scenario in my mind where i bust this ring on her and she goes "ew." y'know cuz i picked the wrong this or that.

lol i think i would be like nah this toy ring is fine let's buy something cool instead :)

Apparently my gfather proposed to my gmother with a pull-tab from a can of tennis balls? She, the dear, kept it for sentimental value and in time he "borrowed" it back from her and had it plated. My mom was just wondering who in the family has it now, because that's pretty adorable.

Wouldn't recommend claw setting (-> not good for the stone and can snag)

Whats wrong with silver? (as opposed to white gold?)

NOthing wrong with silver, but it's exceptionally soft.

Justine, is the lower piece knocked off? It seems to have a chip off.

I made an executive decision to only do heirloom jewelry or vintage. Although I gots no partner atm, I have my grandmother's platinum/emerald/diamond engagement ring - inherited from her own grandmother - which is c. 200 years old and w/gorgeous fitting. Any other finger jewelry I obtain will have to be platinum.

I would have been so annoyed if Jeff had spent thousands of $$$$$ on a ring instead of on fun trips or booze or a new vacuum cleaner or one of those elaborate cat climbing towers. I was not really sold on the idea of an engagement ring at all, but because we "got engaged" (Me: Well, if we're going to get married eventually anyway, why don't we just get engaged now? Jeff: Sure, okay.) before we had any inkling of a wedding date, I decided I wanted some kind of outward symbol of the process. I bought a ring with three blue stones in a silver-colored band for $15 at a vintage store and wore that until we got married (Me: Well, since you need health insurance and we're already engaged, do you want to get married on the next weekend all of our parents can come to Chicago? Jeff: Sure, okay.) at which point I switched to a white gold wedding band.

My mom and my mother in law both have diamond engagement rings, and they have both stopped wearing them in favor of other rings with colored stones, which I think is kind of interesting.

Aww ZS that is an adorable and bittersweet story.

I have plain silver band, which is what my husband proposed to me with. The plan is it'll eventually get exchanged for an opal ring (always wanted one) once we have the income for it. We're students & on a v tight budget & have been for a long time...not gonna take out a loan we can't repay to have a fancier ring.

I mean if I was going to get a big-budget item right now I would choose a car way before I wld choose a fancier ring.

opal is a pretty fragile stone, A. i do think it's VERY pretty! especially black opal. YUMMY!

http://www.blackopalmine.com/images/blackOpal.jpg

they are pretty unpopular due to the tragic story.

My mom's engagement ring had three graduated opals from the Far East that were set in a gold band in the states, but I think all of them, or 2 or the 3, eventually cracked/were hit against something accidentally and fell out and were lost. Opals are okay for necklaces and earrings, but things on your hands get pretty beat up.

my mom has an awesome opal from her wealthy aunt. for my parents' 25th anniversary, she didn't want a big diamond so they went to a local artisan jeweler and got this really awesome cuff/band ring with little opals in it. it's original and awesome.

Have to say here that emeralds are pretty soft - the one on my ring has been smoothed over time.

I would have been so annoyed if Jeff had spent thousands of $$$$$ on a ring instead of on fun trips or booze or a new vacuum cleaner or one of those elaborate cat climbing towers

Haha you're awesome Jen <3

aw shucks thanks

quips and stories just keep coming in that (and i don't know if we're all poor or what) one SHOULDN'T spend ridic amts of $ on a ring. i love it

Yeah even one month's salary is way too much to drop on a ring imo.

I learned from Dynasty that your husband can TEST your LOYALTY by having your jewelry reappraised by insurers to make sure you didn't sell your expensive emerald jewelry set and have a fake made in its place. Important!

LOL! Why didnt I think of that!? *goes and replaces all of R's Fenders with pretend ones made from balsa wood*

Justine, is the lower piece knocked off? It seems to have a chip off.

lol u got me all a-panicked! no, no chips, it must just be the light hitting it at a funny angle.

just to repeat, because i do think this is important, you do want a pretty solid stone in your wedding/engagement bands because they're gonna be on your hands all day every day, getting whacked about a lot. for me, it's not the price but the sentimental value of the stone and losing it/breaking it would really upset me.

My ring consists of channel set princess diamonds. Setting is white gold, rest of the band is yellow gold. I do like big stones, I have to admit and I don't think it's that strange/weird/whatever if people do spend TONS of money on a big rock, hey whatever rocks your boat, but I can't bring myself to do it. Then again, I have, uh, collected quite a few rings thanks to our shop. YEEHAAA. So at times I'm wearing a small car on my hands. lol

Okay so let me be the (qualified!) dissenting voice here.

If you can afford it, spending $$$ on a ring is not the worst thing you can do. I agree that a hard minimum is ridiculous ($10K??? whatever) but an engagement isn't something that should be entered into lightly; even though the emotional connection is tantamount, I think you should also be willing to make a large financial commitment to signify the seriousness of your intent. Part and parcel with the idea of marriage is the concept of "for better or for worse" and, IMO, it is a lot easier to gloss over the "for worse" part if you haven't invested a serious amount of money in the relationship. It isn't very romantic but a good portion of managing a long-term relationship doesn't have anything to do with romance.

When I got engaged, I chose not to spend all of my money on the ring because we were also paying for as much of the wedding as we could in order to retain control over it (175 guests in Boston... it wasn't cheap). I found a round cut D color 1 carat SI-1 solitaire for WAAAAAAAY under the $10K figure thrown around upthread; I felt no compunction about buying it because my wife and I had been ring shopping for the previous 3 months and I knew what she wanted, plus we had no short-term plans for buying property or vehicles when we got married. Ten years later, my wife still LOVES it and gets mad compliments on it, even from women with much more elaborate rings with larger stones that cost much more money. It really suits her and I can't imagine her wearing anything else.

The most important thing here is to make sure the ring you get fits in with the priorities of the person you're buying it for; if she wants $$$ wpent on a ring and you can do it, buy it. If she emphatically does NOT want $$$ spent on a ring, find out what she does want and do that. If you can't afford the ring she wants, get her what you can and adjust you financial plan so that you can give her what she wants on a major anniversary (5 year/10 year).

eh i don't think that's dissenting at all: we're all saying that you shouldn't spend what you don't have, which is pretty much what you're saying too.

as for making the financial commitment: putting the money aside for a house/car/extensive travel would be way more awesome, and it boggles my mind that anyone would choose a $15K+ ring over any of those things.

Awkward because we've been together 5 1/2 years now.

People at work are starting to give me shit about it and suggesting ways to propose.

don't move to ireland. 5 1/2 years would have strange people tutting at you in the street.

where, obviously, you can no longer kick a ball for fear of godless long term relationships, the hoors.

eh i don't think that's dissenting at all: we're all saying that you shouldn't spend what you don't have, which is pretty much what you're saying too.

I deleted the unnecessary potshots from the second half of the post and forgot to edit the first half. lol

i don't wanna like, fite, but that makes me uncomfortable. someone *has* to spend a lot of money to show they're serious?
i am neurotic about the idea of spending money & hate jewelry though.

I got engaged in August. My dad is a former jeweller and my fiance asked him for my hand & to make the ring for me. He's making a bird's nest with small diamonds as eggs, with tattoo-style swallows on either side of the nest! Can't wait to see it.. also my MIL gave me her ring from her marriage to my fiance's dad, to melt down and use the stones from. My dad's labour is his gift, so we're hoping we won't end up having to spend more than $1,000 on the metal.. gold and silver have both gone up a lot in the last few years, sez Dad :(

i don't wanna like, fite, but that makes me uncomfortable. someone *has* to spend a lot of money to show they're serious?

To me, yes. Part of this ties into the history of the engagement ring (proving you are financially secure to your partner's family via a show of wealth). Also, I would think that someone who would reject my offer to spend a significant amount of money on a ring would be rejecting the level of financial commitment I wanted to make to her, particularly if there were no other plans in the pipeline that needed funding (as I said, we paid for something like 80% of our wedding, so the budget I made for myself for the ring ended up being a good bit smaller than what I had originally intended, which was still less than the $10K guideline quoted upthread; at any rate, my wife had spent the months prior cooing over $75K Tiffany rings so I knew my "must spend $$$ on a ring" impulses weren't going to be rebuffed).

xp to me!
I should mention as well that my Dad told me that a lot of places that cast jewellery will accept, for example, my MIL's gold band, and credit me with the amount it is worth. I'm getting white gold, so it wouldn't do to mix her gold in with mine, but I can still "use" the metal to knock my price down a bit - the caster will just use the gold in a future project. Good way to avoid wearing a ring from a failed marriage as well..

well yeah obv it's partially an individual thing so like if someone knows you well enough to know you don't like displays of wealth they won't do that but then will your relationship crumble :((((((
i guess i am just different

To me, yes. Part of this ties into the history of the engagement ring (proving you are financially secure to your partner's family via a show of wealth). Also, I would think that someone who would reject my offer to spend a significant amount of money on a ring would be rejecting the level of financial commitment I wanted to make to her

kind of insane sentiments in 2009?

I'm a software guy.

My wife is an opera/oratorio singer.

i...i don't know what that means

but uh why is this "financial commitment" a one-way street

It means that part of the reason my wife felt comfortable with going for her dream career, which is not particularly lucrative, is because I was willing to support her, and an important symbolic expression of that support was tied into the ring I bought her.

xp: It doesn't have to be.

k that makes sense on a case by case basis i suppose

yeah but lol i'd be like 'uhhh you should be banking this $$ instead of buying a ring so you can pay the rent and put food in my mouth when my dream career doesn't pay me enough!!!'

yeah symbolic gestures that cost $$$$$$$$$ aren't actually, y'know- symbolic.

but hey, you were talking in specifics and i was questioning in general and i ain't telling you how to do your thing or anything, because i'd be however many years late anyway.

> Part of this ties into the history of the engagement ring

you mean the De Beers advertising campaign from 1938?

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/198202/diamond

spend a lot of money to show that you're serious if you like. just spend it on somewhere for BOTH of you to live instead of jewellery.

yeah symbolic gestures that cost $$$$$$$$$ aren't actually, y'know- symbolic

sure they are!

not sure how citing the engagement ring as display of wealth to the bride's family / status symbol at large is a compelling argument to anyone who doesn't already care about those things tbh

you mean the De Beers advertising campaign from 1938?

I was thinking more Pope Nicholas I circa the ninth century:

http://historypunditforum.blogspot.com/2009/09/wedding-day.html

Pretty much everything about the history of marriage (except the part we added in the 19th century about feeling romantic love for your spouse) is completely abhorent, so I personally would never base any decisions on that history, especially ones that involved giant wads of cash.

^ this

yeah pretty much

also just1n3 otm, it's weird she didn't think of that imo!

Yeah I shouldn't have taken out the unnecessary potshots from my first post.

i didn't feel like they were potshots. it's ok to believe in stuff, it's just not for everyone.
hope someone gets me an engagement taco someday

joint bank accounts say more about financial commitment in a relationship than a ring does imo, symbolism aside

harbl, I am neurotic about the idea of being bought!! Also, I have a bad feeling that nothing is free; if you want money spent on you for anything, by anyone, prepare to give good value in return. Somehow.

If the terms of that particular individual agreement are something you're okay with, vaya con dios! Godspeed! Anyone having doubts about that, feel free to propose with one of these

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1051/1482382716_104341135c.jpg?v=0

Actually the cool thing abt this thread is that I think Shack-hill was asking, "Is the traditional, socially acceptable view realy the norm and how pressured should I feel to follow it?" and I think we've given reasonable views of both the Yes and No answers.

So gud job us.

i dunno it's not just the idea of "being bought" and having to give something in return because i would hope i could avoid that kind of arrangement. it's just that that kind of thing doesn't really mean anything to me. i don't like symbols very much, i am really utilitarian about what i choose to own, hate showiness, i'm a big saver & have potential to make a good amt of wealth by myself, etc. i guess i wouldn't feel so bad about making a gift to a charity or something (lol @ me though) or taking a trip but it's stuff i would want to do anyway!

yeah yes and no are both reasonable in different ways
i really like justine's rings and if i was a jewelry wearer i would have something like that
fwiw my bff is married and didn't do an engagement ring and i am pretty bothered by the one-wayness of it

er the last two thoughts are meant to be separate

your boyfriend is married??

bff not bf

best friends forever get with it que

that's nice that your boyfriend is also your best friend forever--too bad he's married to someone else

u_u

joint bank accounts say more about financial commitment in a relationship are more likely to do damage to a relationship than a ring does imo, symbolism aside

Yeah, my feeling is I will wear an engagement ring if the guy does. I think they're kind of corny but if you're into claddagh rings, they're good for both parties.

really?? ytth and i have joint accounts, and no separate accounts, since pretty much the day we got married. makes buying surprises pretty damn tricky, but we have a complete understanding when it comes to money, so it works fine. which reminds of the other thing i was gonna say: my rings were paid for by both us, essentially, because we share total financial responsibility.

that was xp to jjusten

We also have joint checking and savings accounts, along with personal savings accounts.

yeah we got a joint bank acct before we got married b/c I was pretty happy to let her handle my (meager) finances. We split the price of the engagement ring; it's the only piece of jewelry (with the wedding ring) she's worn for 10+ years now, so I figure it was an ok investment (though the rock is tiny, what do you expect on a grad student stipend).

it's funny, i was just saying the other day that we're both terrible with money, but somehow together we're much better (we have actual savings!! i've never had savings!!).

yeah having a joint checking account is good (for y'know mortgage and bills and shit) but having separate checking accounts for everything else is a life-saver imo - no relationship, no matter how good, benefits from the stress of justifying purely personal purchases.

also balancing one checkbook/account for two people is a goddamn nightmare

um that is exactly what bank websites are for

that was something i hated growing up, when my dad would get mad at my mom for spending too much on something which was usually something necessary like school clothes and which he didn't understand because he never shopped for that stuff, and it made me want to be like *my money is mine* forever. which is unrealistic obviously but argh

will never share my bank account, wtf you people are lovecrazed maniacs.

i mean, power to ye and all but

yeah obv im not trying to speak for everyone here, but the fact that i dont have to pull a T/S organic free-range pesto vs videogames where you shoot zombies in the face makes separate accounts pretty awesome.

people let their pesto just run wild like that?!

you would not believe the shit that pesto will get up to when left unchecked

o that pesto

My boyfriend and I set up a shared account the second we decided to move in together - a full two years before we got engaged. I think it's wonderful! I'm also terrible with money and better with the money in THAT account, and thinking about asking if we shouldn't just have one account once we get married.. planning for wedding is good because it's teaching me about this magical thing called ~budgeting~. I was raised by parents who were terribly irresponsible with money. :(

But regardless of whether it's going into separate accounts or joint accounts, it's the same amount of money! If you can afford buying it if the money goes into separate accounts, why can't you afford it if it goes into a joint account?

I suppose separate accounts are good for explicitly enforcing a discretionary spending budget but IMO you should have that regardless of whether all you money sits in one account or in separate accounts.

Haha in my life there's no real "discretionary" spending -- half the time it's "Do I want jeans without holes in them more or less than I want groceries? Oh wait."

my bf & I each have personal checking & savings accounts plus joint checking (for bills & rent) and savings -- exclusively joint accounts are a bit scary to me but maybe makes more sense for single-income families

But regardless of whether it's going into separate accounts or joint accounts, it's the same amount of money! If you can afford buying it if the money goes into separate accounts, why can't you afford it if it goes into a joint account?

as the dude with the vastly fluctuating income, i am WAY more comfortable keeping K as independent as possible of that particular rollercoaster - also, i think that for some (many) people, the inequities in a two earner household can bring some real misery and negative feelings about your "worth" in a relationship, and thats worth avoiding as well.

related and prob more in the keeping of the thread topic note: im happy for people who can feel comfortable with it, but the idea of buying an engagement ring with a joint account is absolutely impossible for me to imagine.

lol that is why you get the joint account AFTER you get married

i am doing a pretty hilariously bad job of placing things in the appropriate "after married" timeline tbh

the inequities in a two earner household can bring some real misery and negative feelings about your "worth" in a relationship, and thats worth avoiding as well.

I joked once that I'd have to marry money, and my friend said, "You never want to find yourself in a position to say, 'Honey, can I have $200 to buy a gold-flecked rug for the downstairs bathroom?'" So true.

This was circa, like, the Nanny Diaries and lots of talk/speculation about How Rich Women Live.

well yeah, in that situation you should be controlling the books anyway so he should never actually find out how much that gold-flecked rug was until well after the fact, like say on his deathbed

see, we used to have separate accounts, just because y'know i was supposed to in this country to get a 'US experience!', not to marry my LDR, so we had to look legit. and it was a total pain in the ass: trying to track money across accounts was hard to manage. much easier now that it's all in one account. we were both terrible at keeping track of our spending, and at long term savings, until we got together. as for the justifying of spending: ytth comes from parents who seem to have a good setup in that regard, esp because his mother earned significantly less as a teacher than his dad. we have a similar situation. my mother was/is a money controlling freak who has her OWN account, but my dad isn't allowed to and has to ask my mum when he wants to buy anything (even tho he is and always has been the main earner). so i try not to be a bitch if my husband wants to blow $200 on a special edition of a graphic novel. it all seems to balance out in the end!

I've never had a shared account with anyone. But I've tried to convince R for us to get at least one of those online maxisaver things, so we can pile the rent bills & a bit extra into it, as we seem to run out of money constantly. He wont go for it gah. So I'll just set up one myself and he can put money into it or something I guess

yeah I know that for some people it's nuts to share cash b/c one is a big spender and the other (usually) isn't. It works for us, and tbh it was good to find that out before we married (since the joint checking account before marriage wasn't loaded with cash, not much was on the line).

So, where is a good place to get an engagement ring in the UK / Europe these days?

idk

many congratulations, though

Thank you!

ebay

grats

spent three hours today looking at rings on ebay, but that was for xmas present and no congrats are required nor would they be welcome

why would anyone congratulate you on not being able to use ebay efficiently?

lol

wp 'vari

So, where is a good place to get an engagement ring in the UK / Europe these days?

Turns out the answer is Brighton. Not a great photo but:

http://i.imgur.com/BB7naor.png

Eeh, so that's why you were in the Lanes? The jewellery quarter!

Congratulations!

Thanks!

We had a nice lunch in the Basketmakers' Arms so thanks for that as well.

From OP:

I have never seen her wear a ring. She has tiny little hands. Neither she nor I are particularly fond of the whole DeBeers marriage cartel thing nor the marriage industry at large. Nevertheless, were I to sack up and do this, what should I do/purchase?

Engagement is nice and it's sweet and I'll be damned if you need a ring for it. My wife and each have a gold wedding band. When we married gold (similar to the present) was just a bit off its all-time high. It hurt, but we shelled out for them because they meant something to us. We never even considered engagement rings. Our thought was, what's the point?

Totally legit. Shouldn't be worrying about what other people think. Ignore the advice about how much you should spend (the worst kind of bullshit tbh) and just go for something that suits you.

congratulations SV!!