Being given compliments - Classic or Dud?

Dud: "compliments" that seem like a variant on "You're boring me," such as "Gee, you know so much about [x]."

Classic: most everything else.

xpost Ronan, that's what I did. I think I said "I'm not cool but I try" - UGH! somebody needs to prise the fist from my mouth.

Ego boosts are good, and we all need them...so don't feel bad about your reactions, as they are probably more apparent to you than to others.

"you're really [blank]"
"thanks."
"no, i mean it. you are."
"ok. thanks. i'm going to the bar."
"look, i hope you don't think i'm saying this because i'm drunk. it's just that i really, really think [blank]"

ad infinitum

x-post

xpost

Oh no! it was an xpost to Fergal really. I live dangerously, no such and such has such and suched since you last posted.

I really think it's time I took the rubbish out, later dudes, you all rock.

It is useful to distinguish the shades of difference and similarity between: compliments, praise, flattery, flirting and appreciation.

Each of the examples you cited could easily be categorized as not merely a compliment, but a compliment with intent to flirt. The implied sexual content is probably what moves you to go all Hugh Grant.

A well-formed, well-delivered compliment is classic. I treasure each one I've ever received. They are also rare. Crude, overstated, insubstantial and awkward compliments, motivated by a misplaced desire to please or the hope of personal gain, outnumber them by a large margin.

A really classic compliment praises you for some demonstrating a specific skill or ability and is given by someone whose judgement you admire. A good compliment usually has a narrow scope ("You carved that turkey like a surgeon." or "That was the most graceful entrance into a room I've witnessed in years."). Vague expressions of enthusiasm ("You rock.", "You're so cool.") just don't carry the same weight.

The more disinterested the source, the better the compliment. A stranger passing you on the street can give you a far more valuable compliment than your mother, all else being equal.

Likewise, compliments on your personal appearance, unrelated to your actions ("You're cute") fall rather flat as compliments - but they do well enough as ordinary flattery or flirtation. The compliments you got on your choice of music and taste in t-shirts were clearly better formed as complients than the ones on your being cute or cool, since they related to specific choices you made.

(tho it has not been complimented on)

Is the anon poster British? I think so. I have an idea, but I do not know if I'm right.

Ronan, you have excellent posture!

Now this is great- I'm not saying that it isn't really nice that for some reason people have decided they want to compliment me on aspects of my person. However the more it happens, the more I get full of myself and start displaying the kinds of ass-hattery I'd associate with total spanners. I know some people that get a lot of compliments for their looks or their style or whatever and I've noticed that, even though they are on the whole nice people they can also be rude, arrogant, vain, boisterous and pushy at times.
I don't like this bit of it. Would anyone agree that getting paid compliments can be a double-edged sword?

wow, you're me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i usually just say "shut up and kiss me". it works to varying degrees.

We were on drugs at the time.

-- Fergal (fu...) (webmail), August 8th, 2004 2:08 PM. (Ferg) (later) (link)

i get really weirded out when this happens.

(i'm also sometimes rubbish at complimenting people. at a party on saturday, i went up to a guy and said 'oh! you look just like my old housemate! he's lovely and handsome. but you're just a little smaller. [conversation around us stops as people start listening in] um, i mean, he's just really freakishly tall, you know? and it isn't like you're small. just normal! not a freak at all!' it was terrible. complete strangers were deducting points every time i put my foot in my mouth and then offering me ways to earn them back-- buzzing people into the party and things. i got up to -4. i suck)

gee, way to put me on the spot. how do you answer that? Before jumping to conclusions - this was during Saturday drunkjenness. I think I must have said "err... well you are... I mean - you're as good, no you're a lot cooler than her!" hahaha! I should've just said they're completely different people (which they are) but then the brain-to-mouth thing ceases up after 5 stellas.

"Of course I believe it, girl. People say all kinds of things. And no one ever deserved it more."

nothing wrong with getting compliments and feeling good about yourself, as long as you dont take it into arrogance. a girl told me she thought my occupation was 'a model' today. i thought this might have been so i would let her sign me up for a mobile phone contract but who cares, it was nice.

Compliments from someone whose judgement you trust on that topic: classic. Compliments from someone who you don't know/don't trust: ranging from tedious to repulsive.

"Compliments from someone who you don't know/don't trust: ranging from tedious to repulsive."

cant it just be a nice compliment from a stranger?

For me, no -- or only if it's so unexpected/unlikely that it's believable, or the content shows the the person has really noticed something particular.

i dont mind the occasional banal, nonspecific, generic compliment, as long as it seems genuine.

Hey titchy that was pleasant, really.

Actually that makes me think: I wish more people would just say things like "the color of your scarf is so bright, it really improves my day this morning" or whatver, be honest about how it affects THEM, rather than turning the...advantage? blessing? whatever...back on you, as if it were YOU doing something praiseworthy. That makes me uncomfy.

i don't think a street vendor telling you something counts as "a girl" telling you something.

Some things are just better kept to one's self, obv.

Compliments from someone who you don't know/don't trust: ranging from tedious to repulsive

That's pretty depressing.

"the color of your scarf is so bright, it really improves my day this morning"

people dont say things like that because sadly, they sound too flowery. or a bit oprah-ish. i see nothing wrong with a straightforward 'i really like your scarf' or 'the texture and design of your boots really improves my day as i imagine what you might look wearing them while your otherwise bare legs are wrapped around my waist'.

"That's pretty depressing."

you never know what these evil complimenters might want to do to your person once they make you smile.

But no, even in general -- for instance in college I never cared about grades or how much I was learning from profs b/c I didn't like or trust most of them, and they give you your grades, they're the arbiter of your "success" and I resented almost every single one of them for having that power when they hadn't done anything to distinguish themselves to me. Pretty impractical/unsophisticated, yeah, but also I was a silly kid...and the kernel of that feeling is still with me.

i thought compliments from strangers was a cornerstone of hooking up. i guess you don't have to mean/believe it.

Anyway, nevermind, don't take me as an example, I hate people.

xp to blueski: yeah, I don't really date, either.

i've come to think of it as a good icebreaker in any social situation with new people anyway.

i mean by that i'm talking about relatively superficial things like complimenting something they're wearing because i don't know them nor them me. but that still seems like a good thing to do (certainly if you mean it, lying just to win their approval would be ridiculous of course).

once they make you smile

Oooh, okay, I was going to drop this, but that's part of the knot right there -- MAKE me smile? I will smile if I goddamn well want to -- and I DO smile, a lot! But people who want to manipulate my behavior for their own enjoyment...? no fucking way.

i react with extreme mistrust to compliments on appearance, personality.

i react with 'yeah, duh, i know' to compliments on being bright.

i'm not very good with people i don't know well, usually. go figure.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only grinch around here.

I don't believe compliments that focus the approval onto you, personally -- it makes me think people want something, they have an agenda. I like people to make observations about things they notice, it implicitly gives you the choice of stepping closer to share that feeling with them, or not. The requisite gratitude for a compliment that's about you yourself is off-putting to me.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only grinch around here

f*** you lady, i don't need your approval.

ooops, there i go again.

But people who want to manipulate my behavior for their own enjoyment...? no fucking way.

isn't any human (and animal, actually just ANY) interaction (at least an attempt at) manipulating others' behavior for their own enjoyment?

I can see that a compliment from you despise would be unwelcome. And I can see that a compliment from someone you know and trust is nice.

But you're (Laurel) assuming that someone you don't know at all is automatically untrustworthy, creepy or after something, and as such is unworthy of complimenting you. That's pretty icy, don't you think?

how dyou know those mere 'observations' arent designed to elicit gratitude in you too?

Also, being defiant about someone "making" you smile is, like, semantics. They're not tackling you and sticking a thumb in each cheek and stretching. It's a turn of phrase. They're TRYING TO GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE to smile.

I can see that a compliment from someone you despise...

I meant...

Maybe I'm being totally naive here, but I like giving and receiving compliments! I can't say I've ever been made to feel like a creep for saying something unsolicited and well-meaning. Or vice-versa.

Is it really worth mounting a defense point-by-point, here? I don't know if I have the energy.

Dr C, b/c I think you're really sad about this!: it's not "creepy" nec, but more that...if you don't know what a person's qualifications are for making a value judgement about you, how do you know what their esteem is...worth? That's a crude way of putting it, I know, but...one gets lots of compliments from people who are utterly awful themselves, and those are just garbage, I think.

And when I saw "awful" I just mean... whose critical faculties are srsly, srsly in doubt.

Well... how could I know what a person's qualifications are for making a value judgement about me if I don't know them? Actually I find the whole question of judging people to see if they're worth passing opinion on me pretty vile and pointless.

Are those people who are complimenting you really awful, or are you just making a snap judgement? At least their snap judgement is likely to be positive and well-meant, isn't it?

i dont compliment insincerely, or unless i mean it, but some ppl say i dont compliment enough. occasionally i think ppl can compliment insincerely which makes you wonder next time you get one, if its genuine or not, but being on your guard for ANY compliments seems a bit paranoid and cynical.

x-post Now we're judging critical faculties!! Whose aren't in doubt? Really?

i think your critical faculties are brilliant today dr c :)

Someone I've never spoken to me before said 'that's a cool shirt' at the coffee machine today.

How dare she pass judgement on me without having DEMONSTRABLY IMPECCABLE critical faculties and presenting her qualifications for making such an impertinent remark! I wonder what she was after?

Thank you Ken :) And I very much enjoyed some of your posts on other threads today!

"I find the whole question of judging people to see if they're worth passing opinion on me pretty vile and pointless."

i think she just means she doesnt want to be taken for a ride by accepting compliments and taking them seriously in case the person giving them is full of shit.

WAIT...

WHAT ARE YOU AFTER, KEN, YOU CREEPY BASTARD?

I didn't start this discussion to win any popularity contests, you know. People from here or #sinister who know me in person will prob describe me as v warm and friendly, it's just that I don't like "people" in a general sense.

Anyway, a "for instance": I get compliments after dance gigs from people who wouldn't know a bad performance if it fell off the stage and kicked them. Total strangers from the audience, who want a piece of you b/c they saw you perform and now they feel like you've shared something. Of course I smile and thank them, but really they'd be complimenting anyone who was up there, and in fact I've seen people give the same praise in other instances that I knew perfectly well were very bad. So...it's just not significant to me.

i think she just means she doesnt want to be taken for a ride by accepting compliments and taking them seriously in case the person giving them is full of shit

You either know if they're full of shit in advance - ignore compliment. Or you don't. I say - chances are it's well meant. Laurel says - fuck off, you might not be worthy of passing judgement on me.

From a professional point of view perhaps the only compliments about my work I really value are from those I feel know or who actually do know more about the field than I do.

i am a sucker for compliments, unless they are followed by something unsavory, like "nice ass. can i get a blowjob?"

I see where both Laurel and Dr. C are coming from.

Dudes call my radio show, and compliment song choices. If they can intelligently hold a conversation about the Tropicalia movement or some shit, then I take the compliment positively. If they proceeded to ask me out, I don't. And then I throw up. j/k

However, if a random person compliments my glasses, I usually think, "My, what good taste they have!"

Yes I accept that in your field of work/performance, joe public doesn't know how to judge good from bad. But no harm's done with an ill-informed opinion, is it? Also my point is - you don't know them, you don't know their critical faculties - they may be better informed than you think and making a genuine judgement.

Also what's wrong with a non-expert expressing their appreciation for a performance that entertained them, even if by your standards, it was 'bad'? Why look down snobbishly on them?

Then I wish they'd just say, "I really enjoyed being here, thanks for your hard work" or something, instead of "OH you were BEAUTIFUL, I could NEVER do that, you're all so GOOD!" It's just...uncomfortable. And probably not true.

Hahah, another FOR INSTANCE b/c Molly reminded me: If someone says "what a great dress!" I'm much more likely to say "I KNOW! Isn't it wonderful? I felt so lucky it was on sale/it fit/no one else had snapped it up yet." Because the dress is great on its own, it doesn't reflect on me, in my mind.

"From a professional point of view perhaps the only compliments about my work I really value are from those I feel know or who actually do know more about the field than I do."

thats fair enough. i do sometimes think when i give a compliment to older co workers or just say i liked something someone else did at work if they are wondering 'why the fuck do i care what you think? i have been doing this for decades longer than you have!'

"You either know if they're full of shit in advance - ignore compliment. Or you don't"

sometimes its hard to tell though whos a patronising bastard complimenting in a wogan-esque on-the-cusp-of-sincerity-and-insincerity manner or who is genuine.

wow

I'm bad about giving/receiving compliments, too, but this is just ridiculous

I accept all compliments with equanimity and respond politely. Sometimes I even take insults as compliments.

they don't necess. have to know about the subject for the compliment to really have value tho. if they can convey, articulate or describe how what you did really pleased them in some detail or in some novel way (perhaps performing an impromptu jig of glee that is just too random to have been planned), that is something i would be interested in too.

Basically I'm just interested in people phrasing things in a way that's honest, instead of what they think you want to hear. I don't care if it's not 100% complimentary! There's an art to saying exactly, and only, what you mean in a gracious way, I think, that is really disappearing.

Michael you must get a fair few compliments on your attire when out on the town.

However, if a random person compliments my glasses, I usually think, "My, what good taste they have!"

When people compliment my glasses (which they often do), I will always say "aren't they great?" or "yeah, I like them too" rather than "thanks", because, of course, I didn't make the glasses or anything, but I recognise the shared taste.

I love compliments, and thrive on praise. I R SADNESS.

I think that was meant to be a question. (xpost)

in the past for like gigs and stuff when performing i thought it was nice to get complimented it's best when they can point out the specific bits of why/how they thought it was good. you can tell some isn't really sincere maybe out of politeness or some just delusional perhaps (e.g. the very over the top but insubstantiated ones).

especially for a show i think it's reassuring if anything that people felt it was worth an extra step in actually coming to compliment, cos the job of being on stage is to entertain everyone, afterall.

xxxxpost

YES, Ken, that's exactly what I meant several hours ago, when I said that I like people to have noticed something IN PARTICULAR!! It's nice to know people are paying attention, as much attention as you presumably are to have bothered with the finer points in the first place, and it shows they've really thought about it.

It's the thought that impresses me more than the shared taste.

yeah. maybe it's just cuz I don't really care whether or not people have ulterior motives? or rather, I worry about the ulterior motives when/if they become an issue, not beforehand.

You give them the benefit of the doubt? I certainly do when I'm not indifferent.

yeah. I mean, if someone tells me they like my shirt, what do I have to gain by being suspicious? if they're trying to get something out of me, they still have to bring it up eventually, and it's not like feeling good about the earlier compliment renders me incapable of saying no.

(although of course I am frequently guilty of the "that person must've been joking" variety of suspicion, i.e. last weekend when I was dancing quite drunkenly and some girl told me "I like the way you move". but I maintain that this is a totally different thing altogether.)

how does I take compliments lately a list of three ways

1. Yeah? Fuck you, pay me.
2. I guess so but what does that get me, a fucking medal?
3. Liar.

(nb I am not actually responding in this way to ppl it is just the internal monologue)

I think that's a fairly enlightened stance, actually bernard -- to make your enjoyment of the compliment not hinged on the person's truthfulness. But on the whole I'd rather just not put any stock in that stuff unless I have a reason to.

See, people like Tom are really frustrating when you genuinely care about one of them (I'm dating one, I think) but at least you always know exactly where you (and they) stand.

It's the thought that impresses me more than the shared taste

Well expressed, Michael. I agree.

not hinged on the person's truthfulness

How do you know the person's truthfullness? You're making an assumption that unless they are worthy of your respect they can't possibly mean it, or are too ignorant to know how to judge.

It's why I just stopped paying him compliments, Laurel.

Actually to be frank Dr C, it's more like: unless I respect them, I just don't care. I will be happy to be my approval and affirmation from people I know and love.

ahem to GET my approval

So you don't care if I tell you you look cute in a tartan skirt or not?

I will be happy to be my approval and affirmation from people I know and love

Obv I don't disagree with that. I just find your armour-plated response to everyone who doesn't pass your stringent criteria for being allowed to be nice to you a little bleak, that's all.

I'm repeating myself now, so will stop.

What if I know nothing about Scottish highland dancing but I enjoyed your performance and wanted to tell you. I am a complete stranger. You would consider that an affront to your sensibilities because I am not an approved source of opinions?

I guess that just seems rather ungracious and snobby. It's not how I imagine you at all.

I think that's a fairly enlightened stance, actually bernard -- to make your enjoyment of the compliment not hinged on the person's truthfulness.

When people compliment my glasses (which they often do), I will always say "aren't they great?" or "yeah, I like them too" rather than "thanks", because, of course, I didn't make the glasses or anything, but I recognise the shared taste

Trish - I'd wager that most of them are really saying 'YOU look great'.

Surely one only gets like 0.05% of their lifetime compliments from strangers? Why would a stranger compliment you?

-- n/a, Wednesday, October 3, 2007 6:50 PM (40 seconds ago) Bookmark Link

I guess once in awhile someone at a bus stop or something might say "Hey I like your scarf" but how often does that happen?

No stranger has ever said that they like your band/music?

Quick, La lechera let's all gang up on Laurel!! ;)

What Dr.C and La Lechera are saying is essentially the point I was trying to make and also the point I was trying to make before. Yes, there will always be a certain percentage of compliments which are self-serving or have some ulterior motive though I doubt, for most of us, they are the majority. It's not that I know anything about tartans or highland reels that should impress you, it's the fact that I was enthused enough to come out of my shell and possibly expose myseff to ridicule that should impress.

No stranger has ever said that they like your band/music?

I feel like that's a different context because by performing in public you're putting yourself in a position for people to comment on the performance.

Yeah, I think the only compliments from strangers I get are after shows, and usually all they say is, "Hey, good show" and I say, "Hey, thanks." I don't think about it for more than a second.

I don't want to gang up on anyone -- I'm just saying that it doesn't sound like how I know her to be at all.

This is basically the reason I am afraid to ever talk to anyone who makes music, performs anything etc. What if I say, "I really enjoyed your performance" and they blow me off with a blase "Yeah, thanks", implying "Wow, what a dipshit." It just smarts in a totally unnecessary way to be considered unworthy of saying something nice about someone. That's ridiculous!

And give me a break. She knows me.

I guess I'm not a sanctioned opinion-haver on this thread ;_;

strange women compliment other women's clothes all the time, but it's more of a "where did you get that?" thing. and then it is some embarrassing chat on the train like "uhh i think it is from banana republic outlet from four years ago."

i think about doing the same when i covet someone's clothes, but i 1) hate talking to strangers and 2) am afraid they are going to be defensive and not want me to steal their secret shopping spots.

True, Nick, re public performance -- unfortunately I really like STUDYING the dance form, and being in the group that I'm in means performing...but honestly some of our gigs really do push my patience with people-as-a-group to the limit. Strangers in groups stress me out, it takes a huge amount of energy for me to smile and be as chipper and gracious and uncritical as they seem to expect me to be, and it burns me out fast.

When people do actually go on for a bit and want to talk about the band or how great the show was, I'm usually flattered and will relish the momentary sensation of being semi-famous by engaging them in conversation, do the best I can to respond to their questions, etc.

you know what is worse than being complimented? having someone come up to you after a show/gig and trying to give you POINTERS. so obnoxious.

x-post to JayMC Me too.

But from now on I am going to have people do a quiz before they can approach me after a gig, just to check how much they know about garage rock and old punk and to see if they play guitar themselves. That'll sort out the wheat from the chaff and I'll get to talk to some people with critical faculties who deserve to have an opinion.

If people compliment me after a show, I try to make an effort to engage them in a conversation or learn their name at least. But the automatic reaction is to just say "Thanks" and walk away. Not sure if this is modesty (ie not wanting to extend the conversation about how great I am) or just social dysfunction or what. It can be kind of uncomfortable but sometimes it can be nice.

I don't want to be famous, I want to be really good at something for my own satisfaction, and performing is a test just like the ACTs were a test, and I like the test of it...but I don't do it for those people, and having their emotions imposed on me makes me feel obliged and uncomfortable. That's all, really.

"Hi, um, I don't want to bother you, but I just wanted to say..."
http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_14/1120051431x71e33.jpg

On the other hand lots of ILXors came to see me on Sun and I was so glad to have them!! And I hope they had fun and weren't too underwhelmed by my geekiest hobby. But I love them.

laurel i didn't realize you were so introverted!

xpost

I usually say 'Thanks, I hope you can come and see us again, we're playing on the 19th' or ask them if they want a CD or something. If they stick around and want to talk it can be a bit uncomfortable, you're right. Often you get onto talking about other bands or records, which is sort of neutral ground. Usually they're genuinely nice, I have to say.

In my own way, I guess, bell! I'm pretty gregarious when I'm happy and like the company, but otherwise I cannot apparently say ENOUGH TIMES that I really don't like the general populace very much. Ian of all people understands that perfectly. :)

how does I take compliments lately a list of three ways

1. Yeah? Fuck you, pay me.
2. I guess so but what does that get me, a fucking medal?
3. Liar.

-- El Tomboto, Wednesday, October 3, 2007 2:26 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

yes

only not 'lately'

i understand too! please i'm freakishly antisocial myself. i just always think of you as sociable and outgoing and as someone who would enjoy meeting and talking with strangers.

Oh my goodness I love compliments. They are like my Miracle-Gro. And thank you is a wonderful reply to anything, including insults, and to say instead of 'bless you' when someone sneezes.

why would i want to talk to a stranger? fuck you strangers.

When I get compliments, it's usually about my photos and because I am unable to just say thanks, I usually engage the compliment giver in a very boring conversation about why I take the photos and how if I didn't enjoy it, I couldn't keep doing it etc etc by which stage I'm sure they wish they'd never said anything.

Ahahaha Kate. That's one way, for sure!

Amanda: I'm sorry, doll, that I didn't respond to you on-thread -- I think your point is a little different than the ones I was trying to respond to, and I didn't want to lump you together. We will overcome, sister.

would a stranger compliment without wanting it to go somewhere i.e. lead to a conversation from which they may become an acquaintance to be seen again?

i want that jig of glee some day

Trish - I'd wager that most of them are really saying 'YOU look great'.

Ah, you're nice. Thanks.

i LOVE what you have all done with this thread.

This is seriously the worst thing ever. Because I'm young, when people see me in person, they sort of assume I'm like an intern at work, but I'm not. So whenever someone comes into the office (also at parties and stuff), my coworkers/bosses always over-compliment me (and start listing accomplishments and calling me stupid shit like "the future" or "the king") when they're introducing me to new people, and I have no idea what to do except look down at the ground and be like, "i'm not that good" or "thanks" (+compliment the person complimenting me, lol). I know it's silly, but because of my age, this is how every introduction works, and it causes me to leave an incredibly awkward impression because I have no fucking clue how to react but look down at the ground.

due on left should be yout template maybe:

http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Shows/Numbers/30rock/season1/season1_additions/thirty-rock-arnett36.jpg

I have no fucking clue how to react

Looking down at the ground will do in a pinch, because it is clearly a humble reaction and overall that can't hurt. But "humble" is kith and kin to "humiliated", so it is no wonder you would like to respond with more grace.

It is somewhere between difficult and impossible to form rules for acting gracefully. If you feel you must deflect a compliment, because it has been badly misdirected, it is important tacitly to accept the compliment on its own terms, so as not to humiliate the person who gave it by exposing their stupidity, then to suggest terms you think more appropriate -- humorously, if you can swing it.

Something like:

"I can't say if Person Who Introduced Me is pulling your leg or not. If I can be called 'the king' of anything these days, I'm the king of... Insert Witty or Half-Witty Remark."

or:

"I have to be careful when I let myself be introduced by Person Who Introduced Me. He's liable to say such nice things about me that now I'll have to double my output just to keep from disappointing you."

i prefer to call tape store "the answer"

thx, Aimless, that was very very helpful!