the Artie Lange appreciation thread

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/artielange1.html

"Howard spoke to the elusive Artie Lange yesterday. He said Artie is fine and planning on returning on Monday. Howard mentioned something about Artie's stomach not feeling well but said it's up to Artie whether or not to tell the full story on the air on Monday. Howard did say that Artie was feeling pretty embarrassed at this point and knows everyone has been goofing on him. But he sounded good and promised he'd be back after the weekend. Howard also suggested that Artie see a shrink but Artie didn't sound like he really wanted to."

yeah, something to the effect of there being no god.

Does anyone have a transcription of his "Murderous bookie on Ash Wednesday" story?

Great story!! I rarely listen but I was lucky enough to catch this little gem. For me, Lange is definitely the Stern's show saving grace.

And to Norm MacDonald: 'You've got a personality like a dead moth. Why don't you get a horse and go live in a cave and don't bother anybody.'

I already have XM in my car, and probably can't afford both systems...

How's the Howard 100 stuff?

http://us.news3.yimg.com/us.i2.yimg.com/p/ap/20051216/capt.ny11212160650.sterns_last_day_ny112.jpg?x=380&y=253&sig=3AG4tnYep_84oXyg2ZpUfw--

I'm trying to find a good crowd shot:

http://us.news3.yimg.com/us.i2.yimg.com/p/rids/20051216/i/r3238295892.jpg?x=380&y=253&sig=vBLakpY18t13uOeLKkGBKA--

http://us.news3.yimg.com/us.i2.yimg.com/p/rids/20051216/i/r224359977.jpg?x=380&y=253&sig=hqaWGJuDuW1HifizzDXZjw--

He's going to have to cut his show down to an hour or two due to lack of things to bitch about (and lack of commercials, too, right?).

shit's built into the car(which I have 'til december), and I needs my bob edwards show in the morning(today's subject: MERLE HAGGARD)

this thread makes me want to see dirty work again.

Trivia
Was arrested for attempted robbery. Handed a bank teller a note demanding cash as a goof and walked out. He said that he did it because he thought the teller was really cute.
Was arrested for assaulting a police officer.
Was addicted to cocaine.
Was an alcoholic.
Once dated a prostitute for several weeks.
Stated on February 16, 2006, on air, that he has been with "about fifty" prostitutes. He then said "It's cheaper than a real date".
Once snorted heroin up his nose, mistaking it for cocaine.
Once snorted cocaine off of a key while driving around Los Angeles in a pig costume.
In May of 2004, KLAS TV reported him dead, and everyone believed the story.
One time, Artie was high on angel dust and booze while at a McDonalds, and hassled the manager about how Mayor McCheese was actually a woman. Artie claimed that that was a good thing, because then he could eat her and have sex with her at the same time.
Once while driving, he ate so many Philly cheesesteak sandwiches that he had to pull over and vomit. That night, he tried to have sex with his girlfriend Dana.
One night, he was out on the balcony with his girlfriend, and said "You know what would make this even better? A sausage and peppers sandwich."

week or so
-- oops (don'temailmenicelady...), June 10th, 2005 5:32 PM. (Oops)

so now we know he was trying to get of heroin during this time btw.

hahahahahahahaha

or perhaps any other service

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/tsimg/01_24177.jpg

lol

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/img/RS-Artie-Scan-1.jpg
http://howardstern.com/dtcms/img/RS-Artie-Scan-2.jpg
http://howardstern.com/dtcms/img/RS-Artie-Scan-3.jpg

My favorite line is, 'Thick forest of bullshit and chaos.' (!)

that whole letter is sorta eloquent

somehow it sounded worse when howard read it on air

ass baby

I like his stationery.

dana got it for him

I can't see whatever I'm supposed to be seeing in Calstars post and I'm totally out of the loop living overseas now. What am I missing there?

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/tsimg/29_66665.jpg

Has anyone been to Pasquale Rigoletto's?

lol i was guna post that picture

also kudos @ henry hill as emotional friend bit this week. A++++++

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/img/RS-DSC_0033.jpg

fell asleep on the air again

this morning

Wow, i hadn't seen new pics of him in a while. Looks kinda shockingly like shit. Get well soon, artie.

yah it came out today that he is a type 2 diabetic. he's a mess.
http://howardstern.com/dtcms/tsimg/15_87711.jpg

morning big guy.

Type 2 diabetic = Time to lose some weight and lay of the Jack a little, bro. I say this out of love, understand.

artie wants a fight

what happened today jeff

long story: http://www.marksfriggin.com/news.htm#thu

short story: howard wanted to talk about the artie / sal & richard drama but sal & richard refused to come in the studio. later in the show, artie got high off subutex. towards the end of the show, sal & richard finally came in and acted like morons. artie began berating them and threatening to beat sal up. he got really mad at sal and started throwing things (CDs?) at sal, so sal and richard left. artie was really strange and started talking about how much his life sucks and he's not right for the show and howard should fire him. eventually, sal came in an apologized and howard tried to end it, but it lingered. howard told everyone that they weren't allowed to talk about it, especially on the wrap up show.

daaaaaamn

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/img/Artie_68715.JPG

a fan caught him at mc'ds while on his diet yesterday. he called in sick today. rolling artie update thread.

This is really starting to get like the Ebert thread where every time it's revived you kind of expect the worst.

poor guy. i watched the tv version of he and sal fighting and artie had this unsettling look on his face.

the thurs show was really hard to listen to....the guy hates himself something awful.

yah when he started throwing shit... man. that episode is up for download if anyone wants to hear.

http://nickdouglas.googlepages.com/artieplayboyjan08pg1.jpg

http://nickdouglas.googlepages.com/SternShow07.gif

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/img/Artie_68715.JPG

somebody has to help him, he's turned into daniel johnston!

hey calstars you shoulda put that on my new howard stern thread!

http://howardstern.com/dtcms/tsimg/16_96274.jpg

http://defamer.com/359813/artie-lange-rockets-to-top-of-celebrity-deathwatch-list

stupid artie. they really need to ship him off to detox land.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/12706/dirty-work

'what are you doing!?! you're ruining don giovanni!' 'don giovanni?? who's that dude??' 'the opera!' 'oh, the opera. yeah, we are ruining that.'

directed by bob saget

so many lolz

hello, REAL COPS?

"i could've gotten MY NOSE BIT OFF BY A SAIGON WHORE"

don rickles

'i dont know what youre talking about, these cars are fully loaded!' 'fully loaded with dead hookers!'

great movie

NOTE TO SELF: LEARN TO FIGHT

"You've got a personality like a dead moth. Why don't you get yourself a horse and move to the mountains and don't bother anybody."

Dirty Work is the best comedy most hated by critics. I don't think I've seen a review that's higher than 1 star for this thing, yet every 2 minutes my ribs are surely tickled!

for some reason i never put it together that that was artie till just now. dirty work was one of those movies that was SO hyped by my friends that i ended up hating it when i finally saw it, but its pretty classic in retrospect.

Christ almighty:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrU3BUc67Yc

I really feel so bad for the poor guy.

http://www.howardstern.com/dtcms/tsimg/07_87242.jpg

The drummer is a bookie
The singer is a whore
The bass player's sellin' clothes he never would've worn

“those junkie bums went and took my black Pearl drums"

I'm starting to get bored with Artie sleeping all the time...

its pretty tragic. howard sounded uncomfortable today.

WAAAHHHHH IM A FAT SLOB

I haven't listened yet today but I feel like he's gotta get diabetes any day now.

he's going to iraq soon lol

dude started singing "buried alive" by venom on the show where he was drumming. also mentioned mercyful fate.

richard christy rules.

RIP BABY GORILLA

what happened this morning? i missed it and they are playing mondays replay!! ARRRRRRRRGG

ack:

Artie Lange walks off the Howard Stern Show

By Adam Abramson

Howard Stern Show fixture Artie Lange walked out of the studio after an argument and subsequent outburst at his personal assistant on the air.

Lange, who became a part of the show's daily routine in October of 2001, was spotted disputing with his assistant in the hallways off the air. When it was brought up to Stern, he asked the assistant Teddy to come into the studio and discuss the situation on the air.

Lange began to express his disdain for his assistant of nearly two years because of recent money issues. Teddy retorted by implying there's more to the job than meets the eye.
Howard Stern photos
Howard Stern photos
The two are slated to travel to Amsterdam this evening and the squabble began over setting up Lange's travel accommodations. However, the in-studio dispute quickly escalated into a discussion about how much Lange finances Teddy, who is affectionately called "Teddy Microphone" around the studio.

As the argument continued, Lange became enraged and physically lashed out at Teddy, but the physical confrontation was apparently defused by other members in the studio.

When Lange returned, he said Teddy would be "dead" had he reached him and he would be in jail.

Stern then expressed his feelings on the situation, saying he cannot condone Lange's actions. The comedian, who has had a similar outburst on the air in the past, said he cannot guarantee he can refrain from acting out in the future. Upon hearing that, Stern said he cannot have Lange around with the potential of such actions looming.

Artie then offered his resignation; Stern accepted, but told Lange to leave and cool off. Just before Lange left he told Stern: "I'm not a good person ... I gotta leave ... I love you"

Teddy returned to the studio several minutes later and said there was overreacting from everyone, but did not downplay the seriousness of the situation.

Show producer Gary Dell'Abate came in to analyze the situation, but he and Stern admitted they "did not know what to make of it all."

Stern does not host a live show on Fridays and the crew is on vacation next week.

Yeah, wtf no reply. Lame.

damn. hope he chills out.

*replay

this probably means all subsequent replays will be edited which is FUCKED.

Maybe not. They didn't do it with Artie v. Sal, although that was admitted much more deserved / funnier.

sucks :(

"Artie Lange's personal assistant" would make a great episode of Dirty Jobs.

NEVER FORGET 4/10: http://youtube.com/watch?v=JpmMLqk-FK4

Wrap up show replay is beginning on 101.

http://tv.popcrunch.com/listen-artie-lange-quits-howard-stern-audio/

crap my recording didnt work. any way to get the whole show?

http://thehsdaily.blogspot.com/

I'm sure a torrent will be up soon.

Oddly enough, they're playing the Monday show on which the gang is discussing a clip of Naomi Campbell's battered assistant on the Tyra Banks show. Artie jokes that he has to get ready for when Teddy shows up on Tyra's show.

http://rapidshare.com/files/106418899/041008-cf.mp3

thanks! lifesaver...

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v372/xgenux/crap/th_82nji88.gif

http://weblogs.newsday.com/entertainment/celebrities_blog/2008/04/possible_replacements_for_arti.html

and he's back

Nobody will believe this but I read the thread title as 'the Fartie Flange appreciation thread'.

today was truly great radio.

http://weblogs.newsday.com/entertainment/celebrities_blog/2008/04/artie_lange_back_on_the_howard.html

The message crazy alice left was LOL

today was v v boring

i give artie 8 weeks until another outburst

i'd let artie throw a bottle at me if it kept him on the show another 8 weeks. saw some people discussing this and trying to come up with replacements - fitzsimmons? nick dipaolo? no fucking way.

"The show is the only thing that's really keeping me a live," he joked.

That's not really a joke though, is it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDltDzojpPg

the fight

howard's reaction to watching this was funny: "i look like olive oil with a 5 o'clock shadow"

http://nickdouglas.googlepages.com/artie-teddybear.jpg

Lange then mentions that the review in his home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that he "had all the charm of a date rapist," to which MacDonald replied (in a sincere attempt to cheer him up) "that's a lot better than saying you look like a regular rapist!"

http://nickdouglas.googlepages.com/sterntombstone.jpg

America's biggest loser

http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/ciu/64/bb/c5c4810ae7a0f7057479d110.L.jpg

   MEN IN BLACK
who like to have sex
  with each other

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v372/xgenux/crap/th_82nji88.gif

http://www.audiobooksonline.com/media/Too-Fat-to-Fish-Artie-Lange-unabridged-compact-discs-Random-House-Audiobooks.jpg

blue iris RIP

Artie Lange on the Joe Buck Show was a thing of beauty:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/sports/16buck.html

so tired of this douche

he's fat

so tired of this douche

who ISN'T tired of Joe Buck?

that's true too

Video.

http://deadspin.com/5292467/watch-artie-lange-crap-all-over-joe-bucks-first-show?skyline=true&s=x

Un fucking merciful.

This is the only good thing Buck has ever been involved in in his terrible TV career. He should be kissing Lange's ass. In fact, I wouldnt be surprised if this was staged.

on stern, artie said that the producers told him to go crazy if sudeikis and rudd were boring

didn't really get why this was such a disaster. shit like this was said on the sopranos all the time.

yeah i dont really get all the fuss over this

Most amusing.

He is on the newest Adam Carolla podcast, recorded last weekend.

http://carollaradio.com/

A better link for Artie:

http://www.adamcarolla.com/ACPBlog/2009/06/17/acp-2009-06-17-adam-and-artie-lange/

Who still has a few...anger problems, you can say.

joan rivers this week? sadly, that's an interview i'd actually want artie to talk over, but he won't...

http://www.tmz.com/2009/07/10/artie-lange-arrested-for-suspicion-of-dui/

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpg

Artie Lange Arrested for Suspicion of DUI

Posted Jul 10th 2009 2:33PM by TMZ Staff

We've just learned Artie Lange was busted for suspicion of DUI moments ago in New Jersey.

Law enforcement sources tell us the "Howard Stern Show" veteran was arrested about a half hour ago in Toms River after he got into a minor car accident.

ha you can't get a better crop than that

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpghttp://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpghttp://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpg
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpghttp://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpghttp://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpg
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpghttp://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpghttp://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2009/07/0710_artie_lange_88721820_ex.jpg

http://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpg

hahaha

Just the other day I listened to an old Friday Show where Ronnie mentioned being a terrified passenger for Artie's drunk driving.

was arrested about a half hour ago in Toms River after he got into a minor car accident.

i was hoping he was actually arrested standing in a river

http://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpghttp://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpghttp://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpg
http://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpghttp://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpghttp://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpg
http://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpghttp://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpghttp://jefframirez.com/ilx/exclusive.jpg

Idle hands are the devil's playthings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRp6oOM3Luc

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v113/Spazzmatazz/Stern/artie4.gif

bye artie

http://i40.tinypic.com/2upadg4.gif

Artie Lange was rushed to a local hospital in New Jersey today for undisclosed reasons.

A rep for Lange tells TMZ:

"I can confirm that Artie is in the hospital. Artie has chosen to keep all information on this matter between him and his doctor. There will be no further comment."

Lange has been absent from "The Howard Stern Show" for the past few weeks.

If he dies before I finish up my dead pool list, I'm gonna be p.o.'d.

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2010/01/0102_artie_lange_ex.jpg

http://comps.fotosearch.com/comp/GSH/GSH443/chef-stirring-pot_%7Egs333034.jpg

Is Artie Lange's job Jim Breuer's new 'secret project'?

Artie Lange rumors are running wild this New Year's Eve, the most prominent one being that comedian Jim Breuer let it slip that Artie Lange quit the Howard Stern Show during a Cleveland area radio interview on Thursday morning.

The report immediately prompted speculation that Jim Breuer will step in as Artie Lange's replacement. Jim Breuer's most recent Twitter and Facebook updates from Wednesday state:

"Have a safe new year everyone. I'm working on a secret project soon to hopefully be announced!"

How soon Jim? Like,...Monday,...January 4th, 2010, 6AM Eastern soon?

Jim Breuer has become a regular guest and friend of the Howard Stern Show, appearing on the morning satellite radio broadcast at least four times in 2009. Howard Stern Show fans have been speculating for months that the string of appearances by comedians like Breuer, Craig Gass, Greg Giraldo and others have really been unofficial auditions for Artie Lange's job.

Artie Lange was last heard on the Howard Stern Show on Wednesday, December 9.

The Howard Stern Show returns live on Monday, January 4th, 2010.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0Jbck2ANP4

ugh breuer

no chance of that happening, don't worry

"We can confirm that Artie is in the hospital," Lange's reps said in a statement. "Artie has chosen to keep all information on this matter between him and his doctor. There will be no further comment."

artie's replacement should be http://www.facebook.com/profile/pic.php?oid=AAAAAQAQrvGOsun3NxhRj0_y9XWa6QAAAApj6G2cKEbxBE0nPvMm3Wfi&size=normal

http://www.avclub.com/articles/artie-lange,36797/

Interview with the AV Club

Stern sidekick in suicide try

Posted: 12:19 AM, January 7, 2010
Troubled comic Artie Lange landed in the hospital after stabbing himself nine times in an apparent suicide attempt, sources told The Post. Lange's frantic mom called 911 Saturday morning after she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman, a law-enforcement source said. Lange sustained six "hesitation wounds" and three deep plunges. A source close to Lange's management team confirmed that the Howard Stern sidekick stabbed himself, adding that his mother had come to visit him that day to drop off food. Surgeons managed to save Lange despite heavy bleeding. "We all have our demons," Stern said on-air this week, referring to Lange's past battles with addiction. "Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He's a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don't forget how great he is."

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Troubled comic Artie Lange landed in the hospital after stabbing himself nine times in an apparent suicide attempt, sources told The Post. Lange's frantic mom called 911 Saturday morning after she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman, a law-enforcement source said. Lange sustained six "hesitation wounds" and three deep plunges. A source close to Lange's management team confirmed that the Howard Stern sidekick stabbed himself, adding that his mother had come to visit him that day to drop off food. Surgeons managed to save Lange despite heavy bleeding. "We all have our demons," Stern said on-air this week, referring to Lange's past battles with addiction. "Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He's a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don't forget how great he is."

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/stern_sidekick_in_suicide_try_5m9Hwhn1OvpONlzbsiW3oJ#ixzz0bv3cg73I

whoops... anyway, that's brutal.

Goddammit, Artie. Can't they just lock 'im up for a while to cleanse everything out?

rumor was he tried to cleanse everything out by drinking bleach

When did he do this?

Nine stab wounds is something you can totally live through, esp considering six of them weren't too deep. Although I wouldn't call them "hesitation wounds". Sounds like a dare.

That said, stabbing yourself is a hardcore "I FUCKING HATE MYSELF" way to even attempt suicide. Stabbing yourself nine times is not just an attention-getting ploy. This man needs more medication than doctors can probably legally prescribe, and more years of therapy than he has left, given said medication.

Maybe he knows all that, and maybe that's why all the suicidey-ness. But still. Stabbing yourself. Jesus. I wouldn't even have the balls to cut myself.

the bloodied funnyman

Most fat funny dudes go for the drugs-n-booze suicide, and often that works out well for them. Very few attempt seppuku.

I listened to this a few months ago, a week or two before he...disappeared or got arrested or something. And I remember Adam C. talking, maybe in an interview the same week as this one, about how touring comedy clubs can instill the worst habits in people, from eating to hard drugs -- and how he was concerned that Artie was doing these weekend club tours.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlQdXbAuZCw

^ That's a great interview.

"You get the waaahs, you're lonely, and then I graduated to heroin."

xxp:

There was a period in my life, about five years ago, when for some reason my sense of humor was spot-fucking-on and I cracked ridiculous jokes and shit all day. Once every couple of weeks, I'd make someone laugh and they'd be like "Kingkongvsgodzilla, maybe you should try your hand at standup." My reply was usually something along the lines of "Jesus, God no, those people usually end up dead or addicted to drugs" which would get a sad and puzzled reaction from the person who made the suggestion.

Met up with a friend from high school not long ago who told me that a mutual friend had a regular standup comedy gig and I was like "Oh no, is he doing alright?"

See also: strippers.

Yeah, it's kinda the same, but stripping and comedy are two very different performing arts.

Are they?

I'm not saying I want to see Artie Lange take his top off, but I'm just sayin'.

damn artie

he should go on intervention

fucking artie. jesus.

she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman

and i just changed my display name, already.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOi9tCTeU24

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oHpcMsETEA

man, this is so sad. Artie was always the Stern show's saving grace when it got to be just, you know, too fucking much Stern & assorted morons.

(well, I should say that was so from when he started til 2006 or so, as i don't think i've heard a minute of it since it went to Sirius)

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51CKqWykedL.jpg

Artie's back! Sounds like he's been watching a lot of TV.

http://www.mediafire.com/?gvhee3iyzgani9e

i love artie. i'll always love him, for ruining joe buck's horrible show. lmao @ jeff's gif upthread

He really should get back on Stern it's so boooring without him.

agree maresnest!

On another note I was really happen to realize, about halfway through the show last week, that Artie is still really funny. He's committed a ton of weird shit to his brain (cf the Raiders poem, lines from Raging Bull) and his subtle self-deprecation is great.

To be honest it sounds like the last year and a half never happened.

what thread were we talking about the nick and artie show on?

i still love it.

i love the can't-tell-if-it's-real bitterness between nick and artie. when artie busts nick's balls for doing p90x or dyeing his hair and there seems to be real conflict between them. nick becomes genuinely upset talking about things like talkshow appearances or artie talking about his bigtime radio days. i love nick trying to talk about college basketball and giving up, saying, "hey, we're trying to get more sports stations to come aboard. i'm trying, upper management... i'm trying..." while artie does lines from the pope of greenwich village over a sinatra song or talks to a caller from union, new jersey, asking about specific streets, "ah, so you went to school with sheetrock jimmy, right?"

and i dunno, there's something about him... a new meanness that i never heard before and this weird resigned sadness that's not sad like he was before, where you wondered why he was so fucked up and sad. you know he tried to cut open his stomach and all the details of the last five years of his life. i don't know, he talks about the tragedies of his life and it's this inexpressibly bitter fucked up thing he went through but he's okay and alive, even if he sounds a bit sad. i can hear that he's happier and more self-aware, i guess.

i like the regulars... the guy that called up who had pancreatitis and artie counselled him to quit drinking because it'll fuck up his pancreas and try snorting painkillers. the guy sadly answers, yeah i tried that. mike in milwaukee. the guy in south carolina whose wife called up and busted nick's balls. the kid with the guatemalan girlfriend that came up to the studio.

it's everyday so you hear the same bits worked over and over again and that gets kind of old.

download a few third hours of the show, where they just fuck around.

thanks, sounds like I will have to jump back into this

Is it worth listening to if I don't care about sports?

If you're a fan of Artie, I would give it a try. The sports theme is just to provide structure and a topic to fall back on.

Ah cool, thx!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuGaDjX9cn8

the sportstalk thing has fallen away fast. it's more gossipy stuff about pro sports culture if anything.

the last time dude from yahoo sports called, artie derailed the conversation by asking if he'd ever slept with a black woman.

and a lot of the time it's like this:

nick: okay, we're back. twenty five past the hour. artie, there's talk wes welker could be moved to the bengals.
artie: who's that?

then an anecdote about a diner on the jersey turnpike or WHATEVER

nick: "i think it's clear that they don't intend to use tebow as a backup. they'll use him as an h-back, tight end, wildcat..."
artie: "wildcat like that goldie hawn movie? you ever see the end of the wildcat movie with goldie hawn? look that up. wesley snipes is currently in prison. i lose sleep over that."

They should devote a show to the movie Running Scared

http://https%3A//p.twimg.com/ArSnr1fCMAAUbPP.jpg

okay fine

http://i937.photobucket.com/albums/ad215/jiaoqu/ArSnr1fCMAAUbPP.jpg

who dat?

ahem

chapter six: fucking making straight up decisions now, dude. as my epic comeback nears its zenith, I can't help but look back at the low times when there was no hope or light. there's an old expression that's got at me through the dark valleys and hazy cul-de-sacs of life: nut up or sack up. it means when life gets you all swirly and thought-ridden, shut it out. let the two spherical sperm factories underneath your dick take over. they don't think, they don't get confused. they churn and attack. and in moments of doubt, my default setting is always to attack, whether it be a hitter or an ump or a loved one who has stepped out of line. not everyone can achieve their dreams in this world. that's because most people have things like feelings and sentimental attachments, nagging shit that keeps them from making the tough decisions that are necessary to get to the ultimate top. unfortunately, in the rocket ship of fame there's only room for one. any added baggage will just weigh you down, hold you back from shooting for the fucking stars. blast off bitch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51JSNYsF5fI

i've got a lot of time to kill at work right now and i've just sat through a 78 hour "best of artie lange" compilation on youtube. it wasn't edited very well but it had the highlights and a few appearances on bubba and other shows that i hadn't heard before and i enjoyed it.

i checked out the first week of the artie lange solo show, after nick left, and i wasn't into it. nick dipaolo was a creepy racist sexist prickly presence and the obvious tension with artie, especially toward the end, made me deeply uncomfortable. but he kept things on track. the new show, without nick, i hate the way the studio looks, i find artie boring as hell, the guests are weak and he has no rapport with them. it's one thing to relisten to old stories but hearing him recycle bits i've heard a dozen times... i find it sad-- not just sad to hear him talk about doing coke and madtv for the hundredth time but... i can't fully explain it, but there's a difference, the way he retells the stories now, a different mode of storytelling, a different voice. i think the show is a disaster. that's what i want to say.

calstars, have you seen any of the show?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8Ui3RNaFWY

dana :((((

this fuckin chaunce hayden guy. this fuckin interview.

I am revisiting the second Fight Week from a couple of years back, has the great 'you're not my bro' Stern v Artie blow-up

I think the problem is that artie is probably the world's best ed mcmahon, but he's no Johnny or Howard.

I saw a 15 min clip of the new show (who's the guy co-hosting?) and it was snoozesville. As long as Howard is still on, I'm not going to spend another >10 hours per week listening to Artie.

i just listened to the bro fight again last night, too. i always felt artie was completely justified in being insulted by the whole bit.

i mean, this was some fucking girl bob levy found on the internet with a supposed fat fetish. hearing robin intentionally returning to the conversation over and over to stir things up is distasteful.

"bob levy is basically jeffrey dahmer, if he read a joke book. and, you know, that sounds a little harsh but i love the guy. and, uh, he gets out there on the internet and stalks these women and throws out this web of... deceit and sleaziness and hair dye and bad coke, whiskey beer breath, and cheap fuckin target shirts and coupons for sizzlers two-for-one steak on a wednesday, forty thousand dollar house just outside of philly, which somehow has a built-in pool [gary: it came with the house], have no idea what the fuck that looks like... uhhhh... his poor child who's being raised by a father who's just not there and a mother who hates being with the father... the father's in the basement, it's damp, clearly doesn't have the proper heat or air conditioning, somehow he gets over to this disgusting, jizz-drenched, stinky, whiskey-sodden computer board and types out, 'who's out there? who's out there in fuckin virgin creep land that i can try to fuck with my web of grossness?' and eventually he gets some takers, some poor women who have a background that's clearly, uh... troubling... this girl has father issues, her father is some mad irish drunk and uh [gary: we don't know that] she has dyed black hair...."

lol, classic rant

gary such a moron

"it's damp"

the bro fight was so entertaining because it was a great example of when staff break through the sycophantic bubble around Howard. Fred and Robin would never do something like that now, they're too dependent on Howard's good graces for their retirement funds.

which makes the show less interesting

robin is such an important part of the show and i'll always defend her when criticisms beyond "she's a cunt" or "she just parrots what howard says" come up. but man oh man the way she treated artie during the bro fight and during that time period was greasy. despite howard claiming to have teared up during the argument, artie was hitting him with hard reality and he could only retreat behind "yeah, it was a bit but hey, i thought you might really like her."

as much as sadsack artie means to me, i've always liked him getting out the poison in venemous sprees of ballbusting. i find it easier to say i like it when he goes up against worthy targets, who can hit back in some way, even if they're hacks like levy or sal or dice. but it's still enjoyable to see him unleashing on guys like high pitch mike.

You can really hear Howard reaching to make a memorable bit out of the whole sitch, constantly returning to 'how dare you call me a jerk, no more hookups for you' which is of course fine by Artie, I had a look on YouTube and was kinda shocked at the state of him (Artie), that must have been when he was at his largest, he's like a big somnambulant balloon. is this The Stern Show at it's ugliest?

when i go back to a lot of the artie incidents, i have a lot less sympathy for the key players. when he offers subutex to the homeless kid, the way that howard and robin alternate between sympathy and relentlessly dragging the story out of him-- maybe it's because i know what came next, the facts behind his fucked up life at the time have come out, and he later talked about his discomfort with the reaction, for example, the series of "artie's on heroin" songs that came out immediately after... it's an uncomfortable experience to revisit those episodes.

I have a feeling that when it's all over there might be a torrent of embittered books and articles from the key players, and probably the periphery.

artie loves pancakes
he eats them up with chocolate cakes
he's gaining so much goddamned weight
cause artie loves pancakes

http://youtu.be/w21T5eLN1T8

The new WTF podcast with Maron is excellent. This man has some stories.

Someone on SFN said they were the same old stories

http://blogs.wsj.com/dailyfix/2014/03/23/kentucky-derby-watch-chitu-we-miss-artie-emerge-as-contenders/

now I have a horse to bet on

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BlSVo1cCYAEHruQ.jpg

Oh shit. What happened?

Diabetic shock whilst on tour apparently.

hmm

He's so lost, wish he was a happier dude.

back on the show after two weeks (one scheduled vacation week): "i don't have wake up calls, i tell people i've had wake up calls... but this time it's different, this is a real wake up call."

two days into the return, he's done.

What's the story now?

Yeah did he announce something on the show?

not really.
direct tv wants out of the deal, a few months before the deal actually expires.
he's got another deal in the works, noting that his new project would allow him to swear again, advised a caller that sometimes makes prank calls to stockpile new calls.

going to sirius, i guess

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3RefUD9PlY

"if i was a winner, i'd be home right now with a wife and a couple of kids, who were going into college, and i'd be fuckin buying them a car or something. i'm forty seven years old. i'm still in hotels, doing clubs. i'm doing radio interviews with guys i pretend to know. these guys on the radio are like, 'HEY GUESS WHAT ARTIE LANGE'S COMING UP. ARTIE LANGE'S HERE. HEY, ARTIE, DID YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS ONCE ON COCAINE? TELL US ALL ABOUT IT. WE LOVE YA. YEAH, HE TOLD THAT STORY ONCE...' on a radio show that doesn't exist anymore. and uh... you know, radio doesn't exist anymore. radio doesn't exist anymore. that's how big howard was. ... it's over. and if i wasn't a heroin addict that spent all my money on drugs, i wouldn't have to do this shit. but here i am, begging you to subscribe to some podcast. who the fuck even knows what this is?"

lol

i dvrd artie live at gotham he told a outraged at justin bieber on the cover a the rolling stone w/ hot ready & legal descriptors into a jerry sandusky joke and i deleted the show immed

goddamn, the recent episodes. relapsed in a dark room at the marriott pittsburgh renaissance, back on the show with his voice shredded, his submissive producer giggling at a half hour long nixon impression. his mother calls and he picks up, she seems surprised to learn that he's still doing his show and asks if he's gone to the doctor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cjh9SaSGso&feature=youtu.be&t=4m58s

baby gorilla talking about his new show

trying again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cjh9SaSGso&feature=youtu.be&t=4m58s

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/video/category/interviews/3543744-22-minutes-with-artie-lange/

http://i.imgur.com/nppRznk.jpg

"I make out with Gina Gershon"

http://i.imgur.com/7yhFUg2.jpg

"Oh"

"bob levy is basically jeffrey dahmer, if he read a joke book. and, you know, that sounds a little harsh but i love the guy. and, uh, he gets out there on the internet and stalks these women and throws out this web of... deceit and sleaziness and hair dye and bad coke, whiskey beer breath, and cheap fuckin target shirts and coupons for sizzlers two-for-one steak on a wednesday, forty thousand dollar house just outside of philly, which somehow has a built-in pool [gary: it came with the house], have no idea what the fuck that looks like... uhhhh... his poor child who's being raised by a father who's just not there and a mother who hates being with the father... the father's in the basement, it's damp, clearly doesn't have the proper heat or air conditioning, somehow he gets over to this disgusting, jizz-drenched, stinky, whiskey-sodden computer board and types out, 'who's out there? who's out there in fuckin virgin creep land that i can try to fuck with my web of grossness?' and eventually he gets some takers, some poor women who have a background that's clearly, uh... troubling... this girl has father issues, her father is some mad irish drunk and uh [gary: we don't know that] she has dyed black hair...."

― dylannn, Monday, May 20, 2013 2:11 PM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Artie is good on "Crashing" the new HBO show

"Baskin Robbins called. They said they're down to only 5 flavors. "

Hey I got a quick message for u Ang. U ain’t the man. U run for the man. I fear nothing. pic.twitter.com/Sdn4BgSQzz

— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) December 9, 2017

Thread bump made me nervous

that is really sad

same.

apart from his nose being fucked, he looks healthier these days + has a regular job that he sometimes shows up to that gets him out of the house.

What happened to his nose?

snorting cocaine or heroin, or he claims it's from snorting broken glass that was in his cocaine. it's been like that for a few months.
it would appear that he's been punched in the face a few times, too, judging by his fat lip and the bruise on his cheek, and the veiled threats against a bookie or drug dealer's runner.

"if i was a winner, i'd be home right now with a wife and a couple of kids, who were going into college, and i'd be fuckin buying them a car or something. i'm forty seven years old. i'm still in hotels, doing clubs. i'm doing radio interviews with guys i pretend to know. these guys on the radio are like, 'HEY GUESS WHAT ARTIE LANGE'S COMING UP. ARTIE LANGE'S HERE. HEY, ARTIE, DID YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS ONCE ON COCAINE? TELL US ALL ABOUT IT. WE LOVE YA. YEAH, HE TOLD THAT STORY ONCE...' on a radio show that doesn't exist anymore. and uh... you know, radio doesn't exist anymore. radio doesn't exist anymore. that's how big howard was. ... it's over. and if i wasn't a heroin addict that spent all my money on drugs, i wouldn't have to do this shit. but here i am, begging you to subscribe to some podcast. who the fuck even knows what this is?"

― dylannn, Wednesday, April 1, 2015 7:47 AM (two years ago)

lol

he had a heart infection and almost died a few months ago. this was after the arrest for possession. he must've moved onto to shooting up a while ago

true rock n roll coke in his jack daniels.
but for real he seems to be clean these days and is just in very poor health (in his fifties, diabetic, former alcoholic, overweight, ruined face).

http://i.redd.it/ack1orvozba01.png

this guy's having a tough time.

What's happening?

i can't keep track. he went to rehab instead of getting sentenced for possession, i think, but i guess he actually got hospitalized and went to a local rehab for a few days. and he's now re-emerged with half of his hair missing which he says was the result of being dragged by his hair while in jail... because corrupt jail guards beat him with a lead pipe and he had to cut his hair off to escape being dragged around... and he's wearing gloves because of diabetes. he's having a tough time, whatever is going on.

what the fuck are those gloves?

those are diabetes gloves?

You know you’re in some deep shit when you look like that and it’s the best you’ve looked in months

It looked like his nose expanded greatly between the first two episodes of Crashing.

i'm not hopeful.

he snorted glass... it fucked up his nose

I don't buy that story. also that was over 2 years ago. the heart infection is pretty telling imo, I think he's moved on to shooting up. it's really sad

Rolling Artie Lange’s Having A Tough Time

Every time this thread is bumped I expect it to be a RIP.

pretty long & in depth interview up today: Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: ‘Fuck ’Em All’

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. I’d do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I don’t know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. I’ve never ODed. I’ve had dealers say, “Jesus Christ. What the fuck.” But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean... you must want to die.

Artie: No, I don’t want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: I’m 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up “2018,” it would be like The Jetsons. I’d be like, “What are you talking about?”

Mandy: So you’re having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: I’m playing with the house’s money. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck ’em all.

Mandy: But I mean... your mom and your sister. They’re the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the house’s money, right?

Artie: Yes that’s the... that’s the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I don’t think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and that’s what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think Obama’s was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then she’s also seen me withdrawing in jail.

god fucking dammit

Artie: No, I don’t talk to Howard. We hate each other’s guts. He can’t stand me for some reason, and I’ve learned to hate him.

Thanks for The link flappy

I’m in the hospital. Just got hold of a phone. Congrats Philly. The 2 best Cities for me could be Boston & Philadelphia. Pats got a bunch a rings. The loyal ppl in Brotherly Love Town. Enjoy. Don’t fuckin Kill anybody. Plus only 7 minutes til Crashing!

— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) February 5, 2018

https://youtu.be/k7-DP-FYWqI

rehab again, levy going too

god bless ye baby gorilla

https://i.imgur.com/r1TLs2L.jpg

Not pictured: Hawaiian Punch and vodka in a 16 oz red plastic cup

He gets to stay out of jail this time at least

Wah, my nose

HFS that photo is not doctored!?

Shakey don’t google Daniella Westbrook

So brutal

I don’t even know wtf is going on there. Cocaine dissolving pretty much all cartilage?

Or additives to it, and friction from snorting various things, yes.

I mean we’ve all seen addicts at their near worst, but that’s... kind of a new thing in my experience.

circa 1916 don’t google Daniella Westbrook

The "I accidentally snorted glass" story from a couple years ago I guess was true

Fall ‘19 looking like a good time for baby gorilla

Great to be home! 7 months 14 days sober but one day at a time. Lots of new stories to tell. Will announce some new tour dates on Friday. Thanks for the support. Love you all. pic.twitter.com/vkdN7gMCSI

— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) September 10, 2019

holy shit, good for him

Yeah. Stunned.

Hoping for the best. I'd see him if he comes thru

Exactly 8 months clean and sober today guys. I love u all for giving me yet another shot. You’re my extended family. My amazing fans. One day at a time. Peace. pic.twitter.com/lopduct42B

— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) September 30, 2019

He looks like some sort of Jim Henson studio Burt Reynolds puppet with its nose pressed against a windowpane.

I wonder if baby gorilla is at the Yankees game tonight and if he’s considering a relapse considering

it's really saying something that you can that picture and be....hey Artie's looking better

right

Goddamn that would be so cool though if he really does make it

https://i.redd.it/pdrqpycdt0t31.jpg

Is that Lisa G?

yes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjMGOaDPav8

always nervous about revives on this thread tbh

Great reunion with fat Joe
Liked hearing the Mitch stuff near the end
Harrowing tales about getting into cabs in unknown cities and trying to score

Artie makes an antipast order
https://vimeo.com/372697342

Ham
Cheese
Salami
Pepperoni
Scungill
Suppasad
Brezzhout
Gabagool
Fresh muzzadel
Wet muzzadel
Galamad
?
Roasted pepperS
Stuffed peppers
Artichokes
‘Scarole!
Sundried tomatoes
Fresh tomatoes
Broccoli rabe

Haha that Mitch bit is great

? = “pignol nuts”

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/artie-langes-halfway-house/id1489428604

xp wow, it's good to see him look so healthy. i was never even a fan, but i like seeing people turn it around.

https://i.imgur.com/JHT1ak0.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/hkY5c0z.jpg

there's nothing as potent as "box of rain" on loaded,

That I’d love to hear

https://i.imgur.com/TVJ1POc.jpg

Hope hes doin OK doin Zoom NA

Love baby gorilla

Felt OK opening the thread this time since the rolling obit thread wasn't updated

Baby gorilla surfaces

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvCS6Dj3ZhA

Another dispatch:

“You can find Arties new podcast, "Letters to Artie", by signing up for free at https://www.thecomicsgym.com/, but I have it right here:”

https://d1s2mr34drfhgh.cloudfront.net/videos/9a66116f0b9b6fb8208da53866b729b0.mp4

More sober talk about recovery.

How’s Artie been doing, anyway? Somebody in Portland tagged “Where is Artie Lange?” on a highway wall

In one of these recent updates he mentioned that after the nose drama ended, he started ramping up the number of appearances etc only to find himself moving too fast. My guess is he’s hiding out in his condo in Hoboken but I have no idea if he’s still on the wagon

God I hope so

Happy to announce that I’ve completed the NJ drug court program. Thx to my family and friends and fans for all your support

— Artie Lange (@artiequitter) July 14, 2022

"if i was a winner, i'd be home right now with a wife and a couple of kids, who were going into college, and i'd be fuckin buying them a car or something. i'm forty seven years old. i'm still in hotels, doing clubs. i'm doing radio interviews with guys i pretend to know. these guys on the radio are like, 'HEY GUESS WHAT ARTIE LANGE'S COMING UP. ARTIE LANGE'S HERE. HEY, ARTIE, DID YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS ONCE ON COCAINE? TELL US ALL ABOUT IT. WE LOVE YA. YEAH, HE TOLD THAT STORY ONCE...' on a radio show that doesn't exist anymore. and uh... you know, radio doesn't exist anymore. radio doesn't exist anymore. that's how big howard was. ... it's over. and if i wasn't a heroin addict that spent all my money on drugs, i wouldn't have to do this shit. but here i am, begging you to subscribe to some podcast. who the fuck even knows what this is?"

― dylannn, Wednesday, April 1, 2015 7:47 AM (two years ago)

― XxxxxxxXxxxxxxxxXxxxx (dylannn), Saturday, December 9, 2017 3:06 PM (four years ago)

good to see he's doing well.

"bob levy is basically jeffrey dahmer, if he read a joke book. and, you know, that sounds a little harsh but i love the guy. and, uh, he gets out there on the internet and stalks these women and throws out this web of... deceit and sleaziness and hair dye and bad coke, whiskey beer breath, and cheap fuckin target shirts and coupons for sizzlers two-for-one steak on a wednesday, forty thousand dollar house just outside of philly, which somehow has a built-in pool [gary: it came with the house], have no idea what the fuck that looks like... uhhhh... his poor child who's being raised by a father who's just not there and a mother who hates being with the father... the father's in the basement, it's damp, clearly doesn't have the proper heat or air conditioning, somehow he gets over to this disgusting, jizz-drenched, stinky, whiskey-sodden computer board and types out, 'who's out there? who's out there in fuckin virgin creep land that i can try to fuck with my web of grossness?' and eventually he gets some takers, some poor women who have a background that's clearly, uh... troubling... this girl has father issues, her father is some mad irish drunk and uh [gary: we don't know that] she has dyed black hair...."

― dylannn, Monday, 20 May 2013 18:11 (nine years ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/X6kZoLD.png

This is a clip of Artie telling a story about Norm MacDonald and Matthew Perry to Gilbert Gottfried. Of those 4, only Artie is still with us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kf9D1Sos10