Proposing: A few questions about marriage ettiquette

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I know, I know, you're not Emily Post. But seriously - when a boy (or a girl) asks a girl to marry him (or her), does he / she need to present the WEDDING ring or the ENGAGEMENT ring? Are they both the same? Do you present the WEDDING ring and then take it back until the wedding? Or do you have to buy two? This whole shit's complicated.

― pilgrim pol, loggd out, Monday, 4 October 2004 15:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Two different rings. The engagement ring is the one with THE ROCK, while the wedding ring is usually a plain band.

― Danger Whore (kate), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:42 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost - two different rings.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:42 (twenty-one years ago)

You present the engagement ring, unless, of course, your significant other might possibly want a measure of choice in this k-meaningful item they're going to be wearing for the rest of their life.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

yep, engagement ring first. wedding band at wedding. and not always the case kate with plain bands, mrs bingo got 3 more diamonds on the wedding band.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

the implication of the gender equity in this question, to me, is that this possibly is not a boy asking this question, in which case i do not know what they would present? these answers are all correct for a boy asking a girl but seriously what do you do if it is reversed? i am now interested because of this question. i don't think boys want diamond engagement rings?

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Mrs "." designed hers and then I "surprised" her with it, which did lack something in spontaneity but made for a fucking beautiful ring.

― Tous Les Garcons S'Appellent Little Lord Travolta (nordicskilla), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

nah boys settle for engagement blowjobs.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

engagement beer hats.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Danger - I thought the plain bands were for guys only? So the expensive one is the engagement one? And the wedding one is just sort of for formality's sake? I don't get it. Seems like it'd be the other way around!

― pilgrim pol, loggd out, Monday, 4 October 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

both at the same time! a dream come true.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

typically the engagement ring is the expensive one.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:48 (twenty-one years ago)

my brother didn't propose with the engagement ring because they were skiing at Blackcomb at the time (I was over on Whistler and found out when we met up for apres-ski drinks). They got the actual engagement ring about a week later, so you don't really necessarily have to present the engagement ring at the time you pop the question.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I did the asking and gave him a plain silver band, then when he said yes I had one made to match for me. We are going to use them for wedding bands as well I'm afraid, because we are ~~poor~~ unconventional.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

in the end, the divorce ring is the most expensive of all.

― Emilymv (Emilymv), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

ok:

engagement ring: you give when you get engaged, hence the name. generally (traditionally) this consists of some kind of band (which may be plain or have diamonds inset or whatever you want) + some kind of large diamond. some people do not like this and do other things but that is the general thing. these are for GURLS.

wedding ring: these are for boys and girls. you put them on during the wedding ceremony. they are plain ie do not have a large diamond on it (this doesn't mean they are plain like naked though, lots of people get engaged ones or ones with inset stones). now the boy has one ring and the girl has two.

symbolism: engagement ring is worn til marriage to show that girl is taken, wedding ring is worn after wedding to show that the marriage did take place and these two people are married.

you should just go to like a jewelery site or theknot.com and look up ring styles and then you can see the difference between them.

xpost yeah hstencil is right a lot of people get engaged and then buy a ring together later or whatever too. and some people just don't like rings, because they are crazy, and so the rings don't happen at all!

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

also thank you Archel for clearing that up, I was assuming that'd be what one would do in that situation but I really wasn't sure.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Should you clear your intentions with the father of the bride first?

― zaxxon25 (zaxxon25), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

my wife's left hand is worth a pretty penny. and the other thing my wife told me about these rings is you wear the wedding ring on top of the engagement ring in order for it to be closer to the heart. or some bs like that.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Engaement ring - you can buy the rock & have it mounted on a loaner band that is plain .. and then bring it back later so s/he can pick out a more fancy setting.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

to do it properly you first have to ask her parents if you can propose.

a *classic* engagement ring is usually either one diamond - known as a solitaire - or can be a band of several diamonds. a wedding band can also have stones in it - sometimes it's an *eternity ring* which means there's diamonds all around the band.

there are rules about the cost of the engagement ring but most don't follow this.

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=284322

― jesus nathalie (nathalie), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:56 (twenty-one years ago)

the wedding ring is supposed to be below the engagement ring, on the finger, like engagement ring is holding the wedding ring down...but then when I hold my hand normally instead of out in front of me, that would make wedding ring on top. argh wtf wtf.

some people clear their intentions with father of bride first, I mean Tom did but I don't think it's necessary, it's justn ice gesture.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Bingo, I'd suspect you wear the band on top because if she's gonna lose one ring, better the wedding band than the chunk o ice. (Practicality 101)

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah but that's why you're NOT supposed to do it! (crass practicality vs. dumm romanticism)

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 15:58 (twenty-one years ago)

i always thought it was logical because first you are given the eng. ring and then later on the wedding ring.

― jesus nathalie (nathalie), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

it's cuz then you can take off the rock when you're .. jetskiiing or something .. but the wedding band should always be on.

xpost .. so band first, then eng.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

My wife has two very thin bands with tiny diamonds on them on either side of her engagement ring.

― Tous Les Garcons S'Appellent Little Lord Travolta (nordicskilla), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

whatever they are both equally expensive, and insured so if she loses them she gets all new ones. if she is looking down at her hand the wedding band would be closest to her palm. no, im wrong. im confused. godamn it now i have to call her and ask.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

My mom's engagement ring was stolen a long time ago. To this day she curses like a sailor whenever she hears the words "engagement ring." She says she never heard my father curse the way he did when her ring was stolen. It's so fucking romantic I could just shit.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

From some website that I just clicked out of and didn't get the address of, whoops, but if you type "wedding band put on" in google you'll find it too:

Yes, it's fine to wear the engagement ring on the same finger as your wedding band. The order of the rings is up to you, but often, the wedding band is put on the finger first, and then the engagement ring. The practical reason for the wedding band on first is that the engagement ring (usually in a more elaborate setting) might be taken off for messy chores, without disturbing the band. The symbolic reason for wedding ring on first is that it's closer to one's heart.

You're supposed to take the engagement ring off the day of the ceremony and put it on your other hand/have a friend hold it until after the ceremony.

It's really kind of comjplicated and annoying, because my problem is that sometimes my engagement ring doesn't come off nicely (I have kind of knobby fingers to be honest so like a 5 band fits my finger pretty much perfectly except that if I have had salty food or just woke up, it won't come off over my knuckle until my hand deswells).

theeese is all a big xpost

haha my mom hated her engagement ring so one day she was at an antique store and saw a solitaire she liked better and bought that one instead, and wears that.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:04 (twenty-one years ago)

obviously, you can do whatever you want. fuck rules.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

No stones in a wedding band for me, thanks!

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

that's not a helpful answer to someone who is asking, basically, "what is the traditional ettique of rings"?

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

well that answers my question. my mother sold her rings when she divorced my father. she hated them anyways.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:06 (twenty-one years ago)

By which I mean, my wife's will be plain too.

I thought we were on tangents by now, Ally.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:07 (twenty-one years ago)

My best friend is getting married and she's so doing everything by the book. But the book was printed in like, the 1700s so I'm fucking shit up left and right. "REALLY? *I* have to throw you the shower? Jeez, good thing you told me, I'd have had no idea!"*

*actual quote

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:08 (twenty-one years ago)

The Knot is a lot of fun!

― Tous Les Garcons S'Appellent Little Lord Travolta (nordicskilla), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:10 (twenty-one years ago)

my dad never actually bought my mom an engagement ring, he just gave her one someone else had. he also technically never proposed to her, he said, "Hey wanna live together?" and my mom said "No" and he said "God. I guess we'll have to get married, then, sigh" and my mom was like "Eh? Whatever". And then somehow this resulted in an actual wedding.

xpost Jeanne you are maid of honor??? You're supposed to throw shower and bachelorette party!! Maid of honor is the worst job in the world, my sister is lucky cos she lives on the other side of the country so my best friend volunteered to handle all the duties.

Also lucky because I don't give a shit about showers or bachelorette parties, my bachelorette party will hopefully consist of a bunch of us doing shots and then drunk calling random people.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:10 (twenty-one years ago)

i didn't ask my wifes father. f-that, he would have given me some lecture on the rare wedding tree or something or what type of birds migrate in september.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:11 (twenty-one years ago)

No, I'm NOT the maid of honor!! That's the confusing thing!! Her sister is the maid of honor, but apparently, I'm supposed to throw the shower because if her sister threw the shower it would look like her family is "asking for gifts" or something. WTF? I love her, so I just do what I'm told.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:13 (twenty-one years ago)

my last good friend just got engaged three weeks ago, they already postponed the wedding. one more year. my other good friend is getting a divorce after only one year of marriage.

you sure you want to get married? /dad.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:15 (twenty-one years ago)

I imagine Velveteen Bingo's wedding being of a specially-written ceremony consisting of a number of "Fuck Thats" in place of all the "I Dos".

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, I was in charge of a bachelorette party once before. The bride didn't want any strippers. I decorated my mom's car and drove a bunch of girls to the Jersey shore for the day. I mean, look, ladies, take my advice -- DON'T ask your awkward dyke friend to throw you a bachelorette party.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Jeanne, move temporarily to Britain* - we don't have bridal showers!

*by which I mean move permanently and hang out with us!!

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:16 (twenty-one years ago)

i wish it was that way, had to be all proper and shit. FUCK THAT.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:17 (twenty-one years ago)

What is a bridal shower again? Is it not like a wet T-shirt contest?

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:18 (twenty-one years ago)

The Teeny approach to marriage strikes me as best.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Dude, Je4nne, that's totally wrong!! I mean, yeah, just do what you're told is best because otherwise bride turns into nightmare horror zombie mummy lizard from beyond but dude, a shower is kind of by default the wedding peoples "asking for gifts" so it don't matter if the maid of honor is a relation or not. The only reason this is non-traditional in my group is because of the vast continental difference between the maid of honor's locale and mine.

OK when my cousin got married, there was so much back and forth about maid of honor because my cousin is supreme flake numero uno, so by the end of it it was my aunt who was throwing all of the parties for her cos no one knew who the fuck was supposed to be doing anything. The actual maid of honor business wasn't really finalized til, like, the two weeks before the wedding when the shower was held and my aunt presented the bridesmaids' gifts and one of us got the different package and we were like, "Well I guess it's you then".

xpost Je4nne that sounds like a great idea to me. If a stripper comes within like 20 feet of my bachelorette party my psuedo-co-maids-of-honor will die.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:20 (twenty-one years ago)

I think http://www.indiebride.com/ is fun.

I don't know nuthin' bout this wedding business. I went to my cousin's wedding a few years ago, but it was not romantic at all because the ceremony was extremely conservative (part of the wife-to-be's vows were that she was secondary to the man and would help him in his spiritual growth with god because she couldn't have her own relationship with god - ick ick ick).

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:35 (twenty-one years ago)

being best man is way better than being bride of honor. My only duties were:

1. holding the ring at the wedding.
2. doing a little bit of ushering before the wedding ("YEAH!" okay maybe not).
3. renting the van for the bachelor party (but not driving woohoo!).
4. acting a fool at the bachelor party. ("acting," heh.)
5. making a toast at the reception.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:40 (twenty-one years ago)

heh. i gots nothing to say to that but heh.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 16:58 (twenty-one years ago)

it's crazy how the tradition of proposing with a diamond ring is so young:

Prior to the 1930s, diamond rings were rarely given as engagement rings. Opals, rubies, sapphires and turquoise were deemed much more exotic gems to give as tokens of one's love, according to the book "Twenty Ads that Shook the World," by James B. Twitchell. Twitchell goes on to describe how De Beers changed the world diamond market.
http://money.howstuffworks.com/diamond7.htm
http://www.gemnation.com/forever_diamonds_1.jsp

― waxyjax (waxyjax), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I find it weird how blokes can ask very basic questions about engagement/marriage etiquette. I mean I know how the whole thing works but I have no idea where I picked it up.

I once had a boyfriend who thought that to get engaged you had to go and sign some sort of register and make it official. No amount of arguing could convince him that all you had to do was 'agree' to be engaged. I'm glad we never went the distance as he'd probably have proposed and presented me with an Easter Egg instead of a ring.

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I really knew nothing about any of this before last year. It had never even occurred to me to think about it before.

― Tous Les Garcons S'Appellent Little Lord Travolta (nordicskilla), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Boys are weird.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:42 (twenty-one years ago)

In a nice way.

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Should I try to forget all I know about marriage etiquette in order to be nice weird for the ladies?

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

No, trust me.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Nah, just be yourself. Or maybe just a little bit better.

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:51 (twenty-one years ago)

* Anyway, I think you've earned honorary 'one of us' status.

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Thanks La'.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I shall go to sleep now and wait for a beautiful princess to wake me up.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Set you alarm for work, just in case.

― Lara (Lara), Monday, 4 October 2004 17:57 (twenty-one years ago)

thanks ned! I was very pleased with how all my wedding stuff turned out, but I am cheap and lazy and hate attention so eloping was a pretty obvious choice. It is kind of a bummer to leave family/friends out of the ceremony, but we're hoping to throw some sort of family party before the end of the year.

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 4 October 2004 18:15 (twenty-one years ago)

nine months pass...

psst does anyone care to give me engagement ring purchasing advice? things i've learned thus far:

1. the whole process kind of sucks
2. debeers + diamonds = evil
3. maybe i want a very simple sapphire in a platinum ring?
4. but i can't seem to really find stuff online that's not overwhelming and very diamond-centric

xoxo please hope me!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:44 (twenty years ago)

3. maybe i want a very simple sapphire in a platinum ring?

that sounds beautiful! your gal is lucky.

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:47 (twenty years ago)

just whatever you do, don't buy her something that looks like a graduation ring.

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:49 (twenty years ago)

i don't even know what that means!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:52 (twenty years ago)

I'm looking for a garnet one.

― mostly logged out (Jordan), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:53 (twenty years ago)

i like this sapphire one, even though it does have diamonds:

http://www.burchardgalleries.com/auctions/2002/feb1702/l155.jpg

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:54 (twenty years ago)

even simpler, i think! (also, she has wee little hands)

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 00:56 (twenty years ago)

how about this?

http://www.platinum-wedding-bands-rings-jewelry.com/images/3up/6598.jpg

http://www.platinum-wedding-bands-rings-jewelry.com/p6598-solitaire.htm

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:01 (twenty years ago)

(yeah i know that's cubic zirconia, but it's an example anyway)

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:03 (twenty years ago)

that's pretty good! but aren't i supposed to get a six-prong setting or some such?

at least i know the ring size, eh?

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:05 (twenty years ago)

How about just a band? Ask you girl what she wants; she likely has a few ideas. You could make it hypothetical. . . .

― Mary (Mary), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:10 (twenty years ago)

you can always take a picture of what you like into a jeweler and have them customize something for you.

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:24 (twenty years ago)

well, i have some guidelines--she doesn't like yellow gold, f'rinstance. (being the healthy non-geek that i am, i refrained here from mentioning thomas covenant.) i think i maybe know what i want (but JBR's opinion sure helped!), i just don't quite know how to go about getting it, or how not to get (totally) ripped off.

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:26 (twenty years ago)

oh that sapphire zirconia is gorgeous! that would be like the ring i would pick if i were ever to get engaged. i always think coloured stones (sapphires, emeralds, rubies) are so much prettier than diamonds. they have more character!

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:29 (twenty years ago)

that sapphire/platinum one jody posted is lovely. my engagement ring is a round white sapphire with a triangular blue on either side, all in engraved platinum. My guy knew I didn't like diamonds, but we didn't discuss it beforehand, the proposal was a surprise...but different couples do it different ways. Ask around your work and stuff for a good jeweler who will help you through the process. My husband got three female friends to evaluate and veto styles with him too!

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:31 (twenty years ago)

it is lovely.

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:33 (twenty years ago)

i'ma ask some people about that one. perhaps we shall name our firstborn jody beth!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:37 (twenty years ago)

oh please don't. i couldn't handle the responsibility of having someone named after me!

― president carter loves repetition (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:42 (twenty years ago)

all you'd have to do is keep up with the audioblog! KIDS NEED ROCK

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:45 (twenty years ago)

There's this really plain band with saphire from Tiffany's

http://www.tiffany.com/shopping/item.aspx?c_id=WEB1&c_it=67K1&start_id=56&CategoryId=14&category=Jewelry&

― Mary (Mary), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:46 (twenty years ago)

thank you! i'm not sure i like the square so much, but maybe

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:49 (twenty years ago)

How about this understated version?

http://www.tiffany.com/shopping/item.aspx?c_id=WEB1&c_it=66J5&start_id=81&CategoryId=14&category=Jewelry&

― Mary (Mary), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:50 (twenty years ago)

ahahahHA, mostly logged out! ;)

I must have said this before, but I let Mrs adam design hers, although the stone is a family heirloom. I don't know anything about rings!

― Felix Leiter (nordicskilla), Thursday, 14 July 2005 01:53 (twenty years ago)

This probably won't show up, but how's this?

http://secure.jamesavery.com/view_jewelry/images/R-684G-14.jpg

― still mostly logged out (Jordan), Thursday, 14 July 2005 02:20 (twenty years ago)

Waxy & Mookie OTM: DeBeers harrible for numerous reasons. Not least the fact that they control basically the entire world's supply of diamonds (I think I read somewhere that there are a few Russian-owned mines somewhere but the stones mined there are sold back to DB because they have the only significant distribution network).

Maybe you could look at heirloom jewelry? That way you get something with its own history (pick your style/era) and even if it incls diamonds etc the money isn't going into Evil World Conglomerate's pockets.

― Laurel, Thursday, 14 July 2005 02:29 (twenty years ago)

Also: my sister just got engaged and her boy asked my parents' permission; this was considered charming by my whole family. I can't recommend this approach, however, when proposing to an Independent Woman of the World (which my sister is frankly not).

― Laurel, Thursday, 14 July 2005 02:34 (twenty years ago)

My advice would be to NOT look online. I'm not sure if I'd 100% trust the sites that sell (some very, very beautiful) vintage pieces and the more known sites are cookie cutter Tiffany knock-offs. :\ Also really, I think you'll get better bargains going to local shops and jewelers in person (though OF COURSE you aren't considering BARGAINS...etc etc). My ring has an appraisal value twice what Tom actually paid (I was there when he bought it), and we just cavorted from NYC little jeweler to jeweler for a day. Nothing like it online, and I did a LOT of online comparison shopping because Tom refused to pick it out himself. Also you can bargain down in person (though not so much if your in-person shop of choice is, say, Tiffany's. They're kind of assholes about it).

Re: the permission thing, haha Tom asked my dad for permission, like, 6 months before he bothered to propose to me. My mom actually got kind of annoyed by it for the first two months, like, "Did he ask yet?" Til finally she just realized we're both retards and waited patiently.

― Allyzay knows a little German (allyzay), Thursday, 14 July 2005 04:43 (twenty years ago)

eight months pass...

So, I have a dilemma here. I think I'm ready to pop the question. We're about to take a big splurge vacation and I think it'd be a good time to do it right before we go (don't worry, we've already discussed our intentions so this isn't a potential vacation-ruiner).

So here's the problem: I didn't really have money for a ring right now, so my parents gave me an heirloom ring. The ring is actually quite nice and probably worth a fair amount (it has a diamond and a pearl, both of which are fairly large), but I'm afraid it's just "wrong" somehow. It doesn't look like her style and it's sort of ostentatious, which isn't her.

So do I

1) Propose with it anyway

2) Propose with it but tell her we can choose a different ring down the road

3) Propose with that ring but offer to have it set with something different down the road if she would like, or

4) Forget the ring and propose without it

Honestly, it's a very nice antique ring and it's possible I'm being silly.

― Out For Justice, Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:22 (nineteen years ago)

maybe 2 or 3, but dont sweat it man, the ring dont matter.

― ryan (ryan), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:26 (nineteen years ago)

Don't fuck with antique rings dude. #4

― Jimmy Mod: My theme is DEATH (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:29 (nineteen years ago)

no way. #1. ostentatious engagement rings are more ppl's styles than you'd think. if she doesn't like it you can talk it out later. but don't ruin the proposal moment with all that worry. + the sentimental value of the antique thing is a heartmelting plus too.

alternately, propose with a lifesaver and tell her that if she doesn't like it she can exchange for a funyun.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:41 (nineteen years ago)

funyuns are so cheap. Go with a real onion ring.

― Jimmy Mod: My theme is DEATH (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:42 (nineteen years ago)

If it was me, and someone presented me with a funky ring that I hated, I'd seriously consider our suitability for each other. But I am very picky. If I can't pick it out myself, or if it doesn't come in a blue Tiffany's box and is extremely simple and streamlined, I'm likely not going to be happy.

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:44 (nineteen years ago)

Get her a plastic grill and when she wears it scream MISAPPROPRIATION!

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:46 (nineteen years ago)

i thought tiffany boxes were green?

― Jimmy Mod: My theme is DEATH (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:47 (nineteen years ago)

I keep taking out the ring and looking at it again. It's actually kind of cool looking, the more I look at it. I can't find a picture of a similar ring on the web. Plus it originally belonged to my grandmother and it was the ring my father used to propose to my mother.

Mary, no offense, but if my girlfriend were like you I don't think I could marry her.

― Out for Marriage, Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:48 (nineteen years ago)

funyuns have preservatives so the ring will keep.

nothing worse than a rotting engagement ring.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:50 (nineteen years ago)

rotting engagement ring. that's quite an immature thing to call it! we civilized people call it "time off"

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:53 (nineteen years ago)

I don't mean to be crass. This is my honest advice for you.

2) Propose with ~~it but tell her we can choose~~ a different ring down the road.

I mean, if you're not planning on getting married soon or she's not going to leave you out of impatience, just hold that thought for awhile.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:54 (nineteen years ago)

#3.

― Dan (Win-Win) Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 8 April 2006 03:57 (nineteen years ago)

JTM: Tiffany's boxes have a greenish tint, now that I think about it, but I think it is an aqua color.

http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2003/06/13/image558624x.jpg

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 8 April 2006 04:03 (nineteen years ago)

So no one seems to agree. Does it help any to add that she's not a very traditional person? (she always says her parents got married for the pool membership.)

― This is what I get, Saturday, 8 April 2006 04:07 (nineteen years ago)

I'm just saying do it right the first time, that's the main thing. None of that "if you don't like it or want something different, we can do something else later..."

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 8 April 2006 04:28 (nineteen years ago)

I hear what you're saying. I certainly don't want to come off all "Will you marry me -- oh and by the way, uh, this ring is temporary, I mean uh, unless you really like it."

OTOH though, I've waited too long to do this. She's wanted a decision for a while now, and I finally feel ready (as ready as I can be, I think), and besides, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to pick out a ring so I'd just be condemning myself to prolonged agony with still no guarantee that the ring I'd get would be right.

― Out, Saturday, 8 April 2006 04:34 (nineteen years ago)

Does it have to be done so formally? Can't you just ask her if she wants to get married and then go and pick out a ring together?

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 8 April 2006 04:46 (nineteen years ago)

#3 works because you give her a ring right away with the understanding that she can reset the stones (which I'm assuming are boss) if she wants to; odds are she'll be so happy she's engaged that she won't want to reset the stones, or at least she won't want to right away.

― Dan (Just Do It) Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 8 April 2006 04:46 (nineteen years ago)

How about something with a recessed stone, like this--if your girl is understated:

http://www.tiffany.com/expertise/diamond/rings/engagement_etoile_ring.asp?ring=solitaire&

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 8 April 2006 05:14 (nineteen years ago)

i think if you're gonna err with an engagement ring purchase, err on the side of ostentatious...

― ryan (ryan), Saturday, 8 April 2006 05:42 (nineteen years ago)

Can't you just propose without a ring? We ended up engaged out of a conversation about why people got married/stayed together, then went out a week later and bought a ring together. As was mentioned way upthread, it's going to be worn for the rest of her life, better make sure she likes it.

Mine is a yellow gold version of this - we had the wedding band made later specially to fit.

http://www.amulet.co.uk/shaped/ringpix/qe082.jpg

― ailsa (ailsa), Saturday, 8 April 2006 09:41 (nineteen years ago)

apparently there is a wedding dress crisis in Ireland at the moment.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Saturday, 8 April 2006 12:10 (nineteen years ago)

A shortage? Or a glut? Or some form of crisis of confidence?

― Tim (Tim), Saturday, 8 April 2006 12:24 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.mbbride.com/images/MBBrideBrochureCovSmall.jpg

"Does this bride make me look fat?"

― Unconfident Wedding Dress (Dan Perry), Saturday, 8 April 2006 12:36 (nineteen years ago)

Do you base this on how she looks or what other jewellery she has? Keep in mind that, if it's the former, that doesn't count. (I'm not saying it properly... My English= crap these dazzzeeee.)

I'd propose with the ring and let her know that if she really doesn't like it, you want to have a ring specifically made for her. Go to a jewellery together and maybe design something together? Just don't come to my shop, I hate this process: it rarely works out well. :-)

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Saturday, 8 April 2006 13:41 (nineteen years ago)

Mr. Monkey took ages to decide to propose to me and I found out it was because he was waiting to buy me an engagement ring and we don't have a lot of money for stuff like that. I explained to him that I didn't care and it wasn't important to me, so we got engaged anyway without any ring. Then his mother took pity on us and gave me a family ring, which was very sweet of her. Only problem is that I don't like the ring. So I don't wear it, and we bought me a wedding ring with little diamonds in the band as a compromise. I'm much happier with a single neat ring than two separate ones anyway.

I told him he could buy me a big fancy diamond for my 50th birthday instead.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Saturday, 8 April 2006 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

I had a similar conversation with someone recently who wants to pick out her own ring. She told me I should propose to her with a ringpop or something equally ridiculous as a placeholder.

I guess you could propose with a fat stack of cash and be like "This is for the ring."

― martin m. (mushrush), Saturday, 8 April 2006 16:39 (nineteen years ago)

I pretty much agree w/ Pleasant Plains. Hold off on proposing until you can afford a ring.

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Saturday, 8 April 2006 16:39 (nineteen years ago)

what the hell's wrong with antique rings? i like art deco a lot more than today's CAD-inspired minimalism.

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 8 April 2006 17:33 (nineteen years ago)

I guess the ladies know more about this than I would, but I'd go with option 2. The ring has sentimental family value, and you'll be able to pass it on to your kids or something, and you'll be able to pick out wedding rings together.

I don't like the idea of re-setting an antique heirloom, and a ring doesn't seem important enough to me to put off proposing completely.

― Big Willy and the Twins (miloaukerman), Saturday, 8 April 2006 17:39 (nineteen years ago)

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 8 April 2006 17:40 (nineteen years ago)

Right. I think my point was, even if she wouldn't wear it, it doesn't mean she won't like it and won't appreciate the thought behind it. Use the ring. Propose with it. Report back here.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Saturday, 8 April 2006 18:00 (nineteen years ago)

Use the ring, because heirloom stuff is just classier - and that is all there is to it.

― suzy (suzy), Saturday, 8 April 2006 18:19 (nineteen years ago)

FFS people, if they're already having the "what are you waiting for???" conversation and he still really wants to marry her, the LAST thing he should do is delay until he gets more funds, ESPECIALLY if he's got a ring he can use.

― Dan (Getting Set Up For A Bad Scene) Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 8 April 2006 20:48 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe ol' threeprongedasshole and his girlfriend could just elope while they're on vacation.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 8 April 2006 21:23 (nineteen years ago)

odds are she'll be so happy she's engaged that she won't want to reset the stones

Are we assuming she lives in a Jane Austen novel?

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 8 April 2006 22:34 (nineteen years ago)

no, just that she's a nice person!

― jed_ (jed), Saturday, 8 April 2006 22:41 (nineteen years ago)

I think #3. She has to wear it all the time--it should be exactly as she likes it. Maybe she'll like it as it is, with all of its context.

It definitely shouldn't be a barrier to your engagement, that's predicating your relationship on a, a thing.

― Hunter (Hunter), Saturday, 8 April 2006 22:44 (nineteen years ago)

DV is right above. The Irish wedding world is in a terrible state of chassis.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 8 April 2006 22:45 (nineteen years ago)

How is that whole "no wedding, thanks, we're European" working for everyone over there?

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 8 April 2006 22:47 (nineteen years ago)

Pooh, I was planning to ask this question but now I'm too tipsy. Tommorow!

― pop! (Chuck_Tatum), Sunday, 9 April 2006 01:47 (nineteen years ago)

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Sections/Newsweek/Components/Photos/Mag/050725_Issue/050716_RovePlameandHusband_.standard.jpg

Whoops.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Sunday, 9 April 2006 01:55 (nineteen years ago)

Hey y'all. Haven't done it as getting ready for vacation proved too hectic to find a calm moment to steal her away somewhere.

Will do it in some romantic setting along the way (there should be plenty). Will hopefully report good news next time I have internet, and maybe even unmask myself.

ps That guy that said he was too tipsy to propose was not me. I have a little more class than to make an excuse like that, thank you.

― In Sound from Way Logged Out, Monday, 10 April 2006 02:11 (nineteen years ago)

I proposed (with the heirloom) and she accepted. : )

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 00:07 (nineteen years ago)

Dan Perry OTM, btw.

Also, Sterling OTM about this:

ostentatious engagement rings are more ppl's styles than you'd think... + the sentimental value of the antique thing is a heartmelting plus too.

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 00:09 (nineteen years ago)

:) congratulations!

― estela (estela), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 00:33 (nineteen years ago)

chuck/paul!!! !!!

omg, so did you ask her?!

― Kim (Kim), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 01:49 (nineteen years ago)

Fuck rings!

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 01:50 (nineteen years ago)

I proposed in Glen Ellen, CA (Sonoma Valley) on a charming back road and then we celebrated at a cafe and wine bar.

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 01:52 (nineteen years ago)

yay, congrats! my advice is coming to it too late, but i think there's nothing wrong with offering a family ring and saying it's hers to do what she wants with it, whether that's keeping it as an engagement ring or a cocktail (non-engagement ring worn on 'fancy' occasions) ring, re-setting it, or picking something out together in the future when the money is there.

and while i agree that vintage rings can be amazing, it's actually a good idea to have them looked at by a jeweler to make sure all the prongs are sturdy and everything is stable, as it's going to take a fair amount of abuse over the next x years being worn everyday.

― colette (a2lette), Wednesday, 19 April 2006 01:55 (nineteen years ago)

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