So you're in a good relationship, but you meet somebody who makes you all jittery ...

first, figure out what you want with your current gf. and if so/not, then what and why. after that, maybe you'll be perfectly ready for princeton hottie.

haha, or maybe not, sorry. i am drunk and cryptic and you are young, yes? i'm sorry, i have no good answers for anyone.

2) it is natural to feel this way about someone with which you have so much in common

3) if you can't get it out of your head after a while (this is still fresh and new and of course you are going to be thinking about it right now), maybe take a little time and evaluate it. why is it so exciting? does she offer more than current girlfriend? also, remember that she is new and you know relatively nothing about her. she could be insane and just comes of ass normal at upon first meeting (a good skill for a reporter that she may have practiced).

If there are problems with your relationship, then you need to figure out what you want to do about them -- that's a potential problem that isn't going away. The fact that you just met Princeton Girl while you've been having these doubts (?) about your gf is merely a coincidence.

Theresa is right -- I don't know this girl and what I saw was only her best self put forward, which can't really be compared with the knowledge of my girlfriend I have from three very close years with her.

1) Breathe.

2) Wait until you've had more than one conversation with Ms. Hottiepants. Be a work acquaintance and nothing more, for now at least.

3) Realize that it's a huge gamble if you leave your current girlfriend. You may end up not catching the hottie, or you may just have a short-lived fling that REALLY breaks your stride (and makes working with her rather difficult). Think about the possibility that you may end up alone (for a while).

4) No fucking around behind anyone's back.

#3 has also crossed my mind, as I tend to be pretty pessimistic about my chances with women, even when they make it pretty obvious that they are interested. For example, here I keep thinking, "Well, sure, she seemed eager to talk to me and to KEEP talking to me, but maybe she's just friendly and likes to talk a lot because she's a reporter."

-- luna's e (lunace...)

Well yeah, sure. I get that from time to time, but it doesn't usually come on this strongly.

while i have never done anyone at work, i have done someone from work, and let me tell you, that is one bad idea!

I've done both! Who's with me here?

It will not surprise anyone when I raise my hand.

-- luna's e (lunace...), April 16th, 2005.

Ha, no I'd say it's afterwards that you have the problems. While you're doing it, you don't have a problem in the world.

On a lighter note, sign me up for the done someone from/at work column.

You'd think so, but actually it's not. (sighs)

Ha, no I'd say it's afterwards that you have the problems. While you're doing it, you don't have a problem in the world.
-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), April 16th, 2005 5:47 AM. (Hurting) (later)

and then only a ever problem afterwards if you forget to turn the machine off, and it starts creating photographic evidence

Because what if you act on the desire, enter the relationship and meet someone else who also creates the same feelings? A vicious circle, no?

a) life's necessarily cruel like that
b) emotional conservatism is the best policy
c) a lot of people have learned feelings that make life unnecessarily cruel
d) my thinking is skewed and screwed

-- happy fun ball (fluxion2...), April 16th, 2005.

I've been trying to read her articles to see if maybe they're just not that good. Truth be told, they are a bit cheesy, but newspaper feature writing is always cheesy -- that's the style.

are you john cusack??

Yeah. You should just let me make you a mix.

I've struggled with this one too. The taste of forbidden fruit can, on occasion, be very hard to turn down.

What's kept me on the straight & narrow has been:

a) the possibility of getting caught and having two women pissed off at me (thank you, Chris Rock)
b) the thought of just how hurt I'd be if I knew that someone I really cared for fucked around on me.

What most people are suggesting -- figure out where things stand with the gf, don't hurt her no matter what, reminding Hurting that he barely knows Princeton Girl and therefore jumping to conclusions about what might or might not happen to her would be rash -- is exactly the opposite of denial and avoidance.

OK, now you've got me curious. What do you say to potential bedmates? "I don't date, I just fuck"? Not trolling or flaming, I'm just wondering how you avoid the whole sleeping-with-someone-who's-expecting-a-partner fiasco.

1.) Long term viability of current relationship, which, apart from your roving eye, does not, from your desription sound bad; and

2.) What to do about nascent crush on Princeton girl.

Let me say from personal experience that I've had all sorts of relationships and the fancying other people isn't going to go away. My grandfather was flirting with his nurses on his deathbed. After you get established in a relationship, the novelty of new attraction simply isn't there and anybody flirting w/ you is quite delicious in terms of vanity/self worth. That said, despite Ferlin's discomfort at the Protestant fuck ethic, leaving women for other women can turn into mere serial monogamy and though, if it's handled sensitively, I don't necessarily have any objections to that I do fear it can lead to an inability to be nakedly intimate with a lover. I get little crushes on girls all the time as I'm an inveterate flirt and I usually find my self dropping references to my gf as a protective measure. If it starts to get intense, I usually make sure that they meet my gf, who's remarkably smart about these things and a terribly lovely woman in her own right and I can then flirt safely in the knowledge that nothing untoward will ever happen.

I have never had anything but some fuck-buddy relationships as a teenager where I ever treated a sexual relationship casually. If I like someone well enough to have sex with them, I've always been willing to see where it will go.

This is so OTM that it's actually a little painful to read. As I said to Hurting upthread, there is the possibilty / danger that a short-lived fling with Ms. Princeton McHot-Hot could hurt worse than the pain of an unexplored crush.

stop and think: is your current relationship in such a state of trouble that its a good idea to ditch the whole thing entirely? more than likely, its not as bad as you imagine.

relationships hit a turning points at three years, where the couples have to decide if they're in it for the long haul or not. [same thing also happens, generally, at the month, 3-month, 9-month marks] so perhaps, what youre feeling is not necessarily something for this girl, but just a common symptom of the phase.

of course, i have never been in a relationship that long enough [2.5 years is my longest, it ended due to catching fooling around twice], but ive watched many of my friends go through these troubles, and it seems to follow a similar pattern. i havent dated anyone in over a year, so what the fuck do i know?

That's very true. There are so many ways in which we are right for each other, compatible, we love each other, we've shared very intimate things that take a long time to get to, etc. There are certain persistent problems that are fairly big though -- I'm not one to jump ship for petty reasons. We do show some signs of working through the problems, and I guess what remains to be seen is whether that progresses or gets stuck. There are certain patterns in our relationship and in her behavior that can really take all the energy and happiness out of my life, and if they don't improve, it'd be hard for me to see us staying in it for the long haul in spite of everything good.

umm. everybody masturbates everywhere. that's why they call it masturbation.

Don't egg me into re-evaluating my opinions of extremely attractive women. I can't afford that. DAMN YOU, JOHN.

That sounds like something a generally rational, intelligent person could say in an excited moment. It depends on how seriously she takes that idea and for how long she holds onto it.

And I think the key to countering Ferlin's points is reminding yourself WHY you are in a relationship and what it is you get from that that you can't get from a series of brief affairs (i.e. deep intimacy, someone who will feel obligated to be there for you at your most needy moments, etc.)

And curtains! You wouldn't believe how much curtains improve a room. No girlfriend, no urge to buy curtains, and I would be poorer for that.

make sure that the relationship we are in is not causing us more harm than good

That's a very tricky and personal value judgement, though, and not at all an easy one to make. What is harm? Can your stifled urges to do something other than be in a relationship eventually add up to harm?

And curtains! You wouldn't believe how much curtains improve a room. No girlfriend, no urge to buy curtains, and I would be poorer for that.

Ha! Or any kind of decorating, for that matter. Or actually THOROUGHLY vacuuming and mopping the floor. Or making yourself a nice meal when you probably would have just had PB&J in your single days. Or enjoying the nice weather when you'd probably just waste time on the internet -- all things that a good girlfriend can encourage you to do.

Actually, that's my function in the relationship, not hers.

Or making yourself a nice meal when you probably would have just had PB&J in your single days.

Yeah, she does do that. She makes a big mess, but she does feed me.

Or enjoying the nice weather when you'd probably just waste time on the internet

Again... my role, not hers. I guess every relationship is different. WHat she does best is... be there. You know? She's THERE. And I'm not always there, so that's something to value and be grateful for.

And to tell the truth, decorating is one of the stifled urges I talked about earlier. My own apartment would be much trendier than "our" apartment.

I've been knawing over this for tewnty minutes. It stings the shit out of me. I don't think she does that. I think she keeps me from doing things I would otherwise be doing, and I think I do the same to her. We enable each other to do many things that we want to do, financially ferrinstance. I don't know how either of us would pay rent without the other one. But we don't like each other's friends, don't do all that much together, and don't really care about each other's interests. I was an aspiring rock critic when I met her -- now I hardly listen to music at all. I was a habitual neat-freak and aesthete when I met her, now I'm a slob and I sleep all the time because I don't want to live in this apartment any more.

Oh, boy, am I ever a mess. And it has nothing to do with this girl I met at a party. I don't even think she liked me all that much.

But we don't like each other's friends, don't do all that much together, and don't really care about each other's interests.

This is the most worrisome-sounding thing to me. If it was just one of these three problems, I might say "Well, it's ok to have your own separate friends" or maybe "it's good to have your own lives." But if you're not doing things together and don't care about each other's interests, and it's not just a rut you're in, that sounds like a serious problem that won't get fixed.

I'm probably not in the best position to give you advice, especially since you're older than me, but I don't think financial dependency is a very good reason to stay with someone at all. You'd be better off getting your shit together so you aren't dependent on her, which will also make it much easier to evaluate your relationship otherwise.

ok, this might sound dumb, but out of everything written in the original post, this is what jumped out at me screaming REACHING!

i can't empathise with you that much, because i've never been in a relationship for that long. but i do know all about crushes and things, and i really think that's all this is. the fact that you're reading 'added depth' to the situation because you went to different but 'similar' colleges? um, yeah. ask her if she feels the same connection because you went to rutgers, and i'll bet she'd be confused.

basically what i'm saying is that i agree with luna. you think she's cute and clever. you've spent just enough time with her so you fancy her and imagine kissing her and stuff. that's a crush, which is ok when not acted on (and i think it's especially good that you didn't keep her existence secret from your gf)

the problem is that you're creating these imaginary connections that build her up into your perfect woman. like other people have said, you haven't seen her flaws, you have no idea what she's actually like. you've had the chance to create her almost from scratch, so OF COURSE she's better than your girlfriend, who is real.

i don't think you've done anything wrong yet, but i actually think starting a thread like this is only going to make things worse, by making her a real presence in your life (even though she probably has no idea of your 'feelings')

sorry if that sounds harsh, i just wanted to remind you that this is all pretty one-sided so far, and therefore makes it impossible to use the 'she's my soulmate' excuse. so if you're going to end things with your gf, do it for your own reasons and then try it out with princeton girl, don't use PG as an excuse.

"Are we getting along here really superbly, or are you a naturally outgoing person?"

sorry, but i think this is propaganda for dating. ive been single for over six years and i've never needed a significant other to improve my general wellness. if you want to wander through life clueless to its wonders, thats your problem and shouldnt be solved by having a boyfriend or girlfriend.

1) I need to sort some things out with my gf,

and

2) I should probably talk to this other girl more so I get this silly idealized picture out of my head.

And as for the free-love advocates here, I do not agree with you AT ALL, and I doubt you've ever been in a fulfilling relationship.

And Maria, I don't mean to imply at all that I'm miserable without a girlfriend. I didn't have a serious relationship for a long time before I met my girlfriend. Not to be cliched, but it was only in becoming a happier person myself that I was able to start a relationship. That said, there are certain ways in which a relationship makes life better (otherwise we wouldn't get into them.)

its that sort of rationale that breeds *unhealthy* codependency - the kind of stuff that keep people clinging onto relationships that are failing and putting themselves in serious psychological pain. even i have fallen prey to that kind of thought. back in high school i thought it was better to stick with an abusive boyfriend than to be alone.

before i even could think of diving back into relationships and dating, i had to deprogram that stuff from my system; to be OK knowing that being alone does not equate being lonely, and to know that i shouldnt settle for less.

*tries manfully to crowbar this salient advice into own cranium once and for all...

that really is so incredibly wise. and also, i'm ashamed to say, something of a revelation to me, despite being so logical and obvious.

Isn't that a bit patronising? Also, wrong.

Isn't that a bit patronising? Also, wrong.

-- Failin Huxley (noodle_vagu...), April 18th, 2005.

Maybe it is, but I find it hard to believe you'd be against long-term relationships if you had had a really really good one.

but i'm not going to be much use on this thread, i'll let the monogamous people help you.

I don't know about that. Slippery slope there. I believe in divorce.

No, it's not. Polyamory means never limiting oneself to a single partner. Serial monogamy means limiting yourself to one partner at a time. If things don't work out with that partner (for whatever reason), you move on to being monogomous with someone else.

The relationship can end when either person no longer wants to restrict their behaviour in that fashion. But for instance, suppose you're with partner #1 and you meet future partner #2 at work. You decide to end things with #1 and sometime later, move on to #2. There's often a stigma attached to that because you knew #2 while still with #1. However, if #2 was somebody who you met after already ending things with #1, then there is no stigma. But in both cases, you were completely faithful to both partners.

One of FH's points (if I interpret him correctly) is that neither situation should carry any stigma.

I call grey area.

she is, uncannily, there every single time i go out by myself.

i have been with my girlfriend for going on 4 & a 1/2 years. she hasn't paid rent or for groceries or bills or whatever in a very long time. we've lived together for 3 years.

my girlfriend/wife will aslo reach that same boiling point. we talk ourselves down... to be honest, though, you've got it worse than i do, or he does, or the public does.

haha, hurting, ever think of this lady?

i have been with my girlfriend for going on 4 & a 1/2 years. she hasn't paid rent or for groceries or bills or whatever in a very long time. we've lived together for 3 years.

Good grounds for ogling (and cheating).If you do bring it up, it's a very crappy thing to use. You should have confronted her with the fact you want her to contribute financially. Kind of shows you are shoving the blame on her shoulders.

seems strange that it turned out Hurting (Hurting)'s girl was also into film and music

keep the good relationship and go fuck the new one as well

... and fuck up the good one.

makes life interesting!

... much like "Daaaze of our Lives" (I typed lices first)

kevin from wonder years to thread.....

haha, i thought the revival might be Hurting saying:

Reader, I married her.

or similar...

1) I never saw this woman again and soon forgot her.

2) I married my then girlfriend.

So, thanks for the good advice, ILX!