staying friends with ex's - C or D?

but you can't treat the post-breakup friendship as the gold standard; it's no good suppressing all kinds of raw shit for the sake of being able to say "oh well we're still such great friends" cos you know, maybe not.

sometimes a long break is the key, and if you've moved on with people you both respect it helps. I had a bad breakup followed by two years of occasional hyper-uncomfortable run-ins. Then she finally found someone I respected, and once it became clear they were solid, out of nowhere the tension seemed pointless and we became great friends. there's light flirtation sometimes but only because we both know it won't go further.

my best friend is an ex.

yup. it's probably unwise to try to switch to "good friends" mode too quickly. well, i only learned this the hard way. and maybe some people are better at pulling this off.

But in my experience, it's just such a rubbish one-way sort of a friendship that it's more harmful than just cutting them out of your life.

I mean, they usually just want to keep the sort of emotional intimacy that you had, and the ability to lean on you, without actually ever giving anything in return. People like that, I just want to tell them "Well, I'm glad that you recognise that we *HAD* some of intimacy, but that doesn't mean that you get to *KEEP* it after you dump me."

Either that or, "Stay Friends" just means that they are afraid that you will HATE them (often with good reason) but they don't want to actual hang out with you or see you or do any of the other things that actual Friends do. They're just afraid of being hated.

Not that I haven't become friendly with exes. I have one who I'm on very good terms with. About two that I'll go over and talk to if I see them in a club, but wouldn't ring them or anything. And one that I'm still reserving judgement on, but as far as I'm concerned, the ball's in his court.

Grrrrr, arrrrrrrgggghhhh, where is that bloody anger management when I need it.

(Why am I being so negative when I've just had three positive Close Encounters Of The Ex Kind in the past two weeks - maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop?)

You may choose to experience a closer relationship with some people(whether you like it or not, and these relationships can be both negative and positive). If there are problems in those relationships then the nature of the relationship may need to change.

Essentially if you're with a person but it's not working, there are (almost) always reasons to continue a relationship with that someone but perhaps not in the same way.

You just have to redifine the actual boundaries of the relationship so it once again becomes both a positive and beneficial one for both of you. It's about shifting the perception of what that relationship actually is.

"Partner / ex-partner" is just way too simplified, and leads you to believe you have a very limited choice, which is far from the truth. The same goes for "friendships" as well.

Or is that too simplistic?

I thought at much.

Current partner likes the exes I have introduced him to; my favourite ex has a really cool girlfriend who is also fun to hang out with.

i think you're madly generalization from your own experience, which seems to follow the same pattern time and again.

i dunno. it comes down to: are you having sex with them, actually or nominally exclusively?

"what is a relationship, anyway?"

"so who else are you sleeping with?"

what if you both had a somewhat amicable split? then whats the stop from being friends. doesnt mean the boy (me) just wants to preserve a friendship to feel less guilty, just means you miss that person, and you want to have them in your life on some level. im not trying to lean on my ex-gf, i just want to still know her, although knowing her now, i have to admit, is very weird, as its not the same at all. it feels almost superficial actually, like were just being friends for the sake of it in a way. which is fucking weird.

Today I am angry and just want to smash up this tyranny of niceness that makes people think that it is somehow good or right to stay "friends". I have the right not to stay friends. I have the right to be angry, even if that makes for messy moments and awkward edges. I have the right to want to kick exes in the teeth when they introduce me to their dates so we can be all cuddley and friendly and FUCK YOU this is for your benefit, not mine, go to hell, etc. and so forth.

GO ANGER! thing about anger is that while its honest, sometimes being anger doesnt always get you what you want in the long run. then again, maybe being nice doesnt either.

?!

i've never been the "guilty" party as such, maybe that's it.

and i guess they kind of become acquintances rather than friends really, since i'm not making an effort to be extra friendly, but that's just like many, many people i am normal friends with. To be a close friend you would have to earn it, and you don't earn it through having a few shags at some point in it.

gone on a ramble there but i guess what i mean is i think being romantic partners and friends are seperate things, they can both happen but sometimes they don't.

i hate feeling bad and awkward, but sometimes you can't forgive quickly.

http://www.russiablog.org/Beamer2DashaWindow.jpg

http://mr.troligt.com/leet/dawson-crying.jpg

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/135/337460804_cba9dd0e7d.jpg

http://www.michael-jackson-trader.com/items/largeitempics/93.JPG

i like that song.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/04/americas_st_george0s_in_grenada_after_ivan/img/6.jpg

that song too.

http://thumbnail.search.aolcdn.com/truveo/images/thumbnails/6A/B8/6AB8D2E659D852.jpg

(couldnt find anything bigger)

http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/Class/che133/images/volatilegas.jpg

http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/04_03/brucedemiREX468x638.jpg

might as well say "owned" on it

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/44/Danger-Eject.svg/733px-Danger-Eject.svg.png

http://www.enjoyfrance.com/images/stories/france/news/Marcel-Marceau.jpg

My notable ex is a big jobby and I never want to see him or speak to him again. He has expressed a desire for me to contact him, but I ain't reminding myself of all THAT.

I'm having an email chat with my ex right now - we talk (briefly) pretty much every day.

http://www.madeline-kahn.com/Picture/yfimage03.jpg

there's a pattern emerging in some of these threads? wanna share roxy?

http://www.thecry.com/existentialism/allen/allen3.jpg

"I was just trying to be funny."

staying friends with ex's is theoretically fine, until they get current's, when mad insane jealousy kicks in with me.

This is dudley dooright for me. I always realize after I broke up with someone that we'd never be able to be friends if not for the attraction. Friends != lovers and vice versa for a reason.

To be fair I've only been in like... 3 or 4 'real' relationships in my life, so maybe I just haven't met the right ex- yet.

I have one ex that I absolutely hate, but everyone else I'm happy to be friends with. The one I dated through most of high school still ticks me off about every fourth time I see him, though. I have to give him credit for marrying a really awesome, smart woman, and I have to give her credit for being way more patient than I could ever be.

That's weird-- aside from one that I hated, the others I just can no longer be arsed to be interested in their lives. There's no passion for them anymore, positive OR negative. I think one of them might be getting married or something? Meh, whatever.

Friends != lovers and vice versa for a reason.

I think we go for different types. For an ex not to be a friend there usually has to be some concrete reason - of my serious exes I think only one I'm not on chummy terms with, and when I do see her (we still have friends in common) we have perfectly nice chats.

Equally, though, I'm not remotely jealous of their new partners, not harbouring any remaining passions, and vice versa as far as I'm aware. And, like, we're in our thirties.

staying friends with ex's is theoretically fine, until they get current's, when mad insane jealousy kicks in with me.

This is otm, although it has only happened to me once, although it was also the only time I was really "in love" and had my heart broken.

maybe I just haven't met the right ex- yet

i love this line.

you're the ex girlfriend i've been waiting for all my life, kinda thing.

Vicky to thread

No longer maintain any contact whatsoever with any ex-girlfriends which is mostly their decisions not mine. I still find it a bit puzzling that we could be so close and then they just close off completely but meh, whatever.

getting on with friend's ex-gf's, now THERE'S a complex issue. particularly in a town with a population of about 800 people.

I always feel like a bit of a double agent when I'm hanging out with my friend Nick's ex. But we get on well, she's a nice person and it was entirely his fault that it all went to shit anyway.

it's a new kinda dynamic.....

I still talk to one ex, which is cool because the best part of our relationship was conversations about books and things like that.

Upt0eleven's in lurve...

Well yes, unfortunately diss is true. But nuffin to do with any o' that which i have posted on this thread.

LOL @ sneaking behind mate's back. Hello tears, I will meet you at the end!

No No No

No sneaking involved. Firstly i'm not at all "interested" in her and second I usally tell him about it anyway.

THe one I am in love with is the one ex that tried to be friends with me and which proved a demonstrable disaster. Entirely my fault but ooooooooooooh well.

Particularly dud when they don't seem to be finding things hard at all. I don't want to see her wailing and shit, but a little light weeping would be good.

Indeed. How dare she laugh in my presence.

bitches are cold

i have zero contact with all my exes, with the one exception (who is now a very close friend). and i never ever want to see my last ex for as long as i live.

my exes run the gamut from the cool one who i'm friends with who digs rare groove music and is generally sort of weird, to the ho i went to college with in nyc back in the late 90s who cheated on me with some choad. it can be classic or dud, depending on how it ended.

staying friends w/ exes is esp. awesome if its a Long Distance Ex-Relationship, as in you guys talk once in awhile, and when you visit rarely everything gets :D then you leave before you get tired of each other again

wow, how have i never posted on this thread before?

i'm friends with 95% of my exes, i like it to be that way but sometimes it's admittedly just too damn hard. certainly, my current is less than happy with the idea that i habitually/occasionally hang out with people i used to have sex with (her words), but hell we're grown-ups i'm sure it'll be fine.

my last ex didn't/doesn't want to be "one of my girls" as she put it, so that's the end of that. pity, really, i think we'd be good mates in good time.

I wouldn't want to be one of the girls, either.

I'm only friends with the ex who was my best friend anyway (we made a terrible romantic couple), the rest range from "can live without me and vice versa" to "can go hang".

my current is less than happy with the idea that i habitually/occasionally hang out with people i used to have sex with (her words), but hell we're grown-ups i'm sure it'll be fine.

Warning bells here, if have such different ideas of what is appropriate.

my current is less than happy with the idea that i habitually/occasionally hang out with people i used to have sex with

ugh these people are the worst.
your current i mean, not you

well, we kind of had an odd situation thrust upon us last weekend, where three exes were at the same event atone (they don't know each other), so my current was all "who was that?" and after the third time was all "ffs have you slept with everyone here?"

but i can't change the past and she freely (ok, eventually) conceded it was her problem not mine. i'm friends with most of my exes but i'd never dream of actually calling them out of the blue and saying "hey, fancy a pint" or whatever.

atone = at once

Haha, so basically she has a point.

ugh these people are the worst.
your current i mean, not you

haha well i see her point to a degree! but it's kind of daft not to acknowledge in some way that two 32-year-olds have indeed been out with/shagged other people before meeting each other.

Yeah, but you normally don't have to go parties wiht them!

Haha, so basically she has a point.

so i should...do what, exactly? never leave the house just in case we bump into someone? it's ridiculous.

nb. the odd multi-meeting situ is crazy unlikely ever to happen again, but some exes are friends with some of my best friends and some now with each other as well, so...*shrug* either i become a hermit or we (i.e. she) gets over it pronto.

Oh please, is it really likely to be a wedge issue? Let her have her fit of pique and chalk it up to a little complimentary possessiveness, I'd suggest. A little healthy appreciation for your partner's desirability in the eyes of others never hurt anyone...but you could dote on her a bit just to make sure she knows you know etc.

that's pretty much how it played out in the end, and now we're fine!

Really? Would you call that her getting over it "pronto"?

i'm friends with 95% of my exes

charlie#4 do you have 20 exes? slut!

Yeah, but you normally don't have to go parties wiht them!

welcome to the london music scene...

He has precisely one hundred exes.

Or he has two of them, but the one he's still friends with is 19x the person.

Dear ex-who-is-convinced-we-can-remain-friends texting me to complain I haven't invited you to a "group event" (me and two mutual friends, both of whom I am much closer to, going to pub to catch up) after she said I should give her some space, "stop inviting me to things and let me come to you":

FUCK YOU.

^^^ this just happened ten minutes ago. Now I am in a bad mood.

the fuck?

stay away

that is the perfect impetus to get the fuck away, otm

did she use the word "invite" in both cases? perhaps she's distinguishing between on the one hand asking her to go with you to things, and on the other advising/including her in things you're doing with others

Ha, I was recently in a room with my girlfriend and two of my exes. It was a wedding celebration for one of my exes and her now-husband, who, in a weird twist, used to date the other ex (in other words, both the husband and I have dated the same two women).

staying Facebook friends with ex's - C or D?

staying Facebook friends with ex's - C or D?

classic only because removing them is so dud

xxxpost, yeah, she's making a (totally spurious) distinction between me inviting her to to do stuff together and me inviting her to things our mutual friends do.

I don't do the first anymore because she asked me not to, and I don't do the second anymore because I don't have much of a social group in this town (I'm in a college town but all my own awesome friends are in nearish cities), so I'm kind of more dependent on the few common friends we have than she is and I do not want to see her with her new boyfriend.

Also, we live together. Good times.

Also, we live together.

uh!

Yes, I need to move out.

her - c/d

awesome reveal

Can't right now though, so just avoiding her. Probably not very pleasantly, but it gets me through the day.

As Daniel Kitson says in this gig (http://web.mac.com/dk27/Site/l/Entries/2007/7/12_stand_2004_(dancing).html) "It's basically a pull-back and reveal, but executed to perfection".

Yeah that seems more important than worrying about seeing each other at parties or whatever.

exes will stab you in the back 6 years later if it suits them. NEVER AGAIN

Relevant reveal: 13:00-14:00.

not speaking to an ex for months then becoming fwb C/D?

D on fwb you will just get back together. and then break up. and then back together. and each break-up will get nastier and then you will really never talk again.

i have never heard of this working.

staying friends w/ exes is esp. awesome if its a Long Distance Ex-Relationship, as in you guys talk once in awhile, and when you visit rarely everything gets :D then you leave before you get tired of each other again

deej, this is pretty much exactly me & towga's situation, except we talk a couple of times a week. but never for too long and once one of us gets sick of talking to the other we don't have worry about being indelicate about ending the conversation.

god how lame is it that seeing that the ex changed her myspace thing to single really hurt there for a sec

kill me

this bro of mine is still friends with his ex a year and a half after they split. ok not split so much as she told him she needed to take a break and then moved him down in the myspace friends queue and moved another guy up to #1. she spilled the beans on actually not needing a break but how she was now going with this other guy and my friend responded by deleting his myspace profile because the pain was too much. but he still hangs out with her because he harbors a crush. now she moved 100 miles away with the other dude and he still hangs out with her now and then, because he has a sliver of hope.

dud.

I still find it a bit puzzling that we could be so close and then they just close off completely but meh, whatever.

This one always burns me as well :(

haha oh shit i didnt even notice she moved me down as well

i'm gonna have to like, not change anything at all to win this.

As I've probably outlined elsewhere, I broke up with my bf of 4 years back in May (reasons Im not going into here) and after a short period of extreme angst we somehow sorted things out and are closer than ever - but still broken up. People comment on it a lot, seem to think it is weird. But we're at the point now where we can even talk to each other about our new crushes and theres no jealousy.

I have to admit tho if he gets a new gf and it means I dont get to see him often, I'm going to find that difficult.

I have also just found my first bf on facebook, who I havent seen in 15 years, and we've started emailing like old mates. It is pretty awesome.

IT’S OK FEAT ANDRE ..., by Slimm Calhoun
has been added to your profile!

i have never heard of this working.

we will probably not get back together but yea it will probably end in tears
i say C anyway

benefits are nice

http://www.window.state.tx.us/lga/lgmr/beaumont05/ex1-1.gif

i'm gonna have to like, not change anything at all to win this.

-- r|t|c, Friday, September 28, 2007 12:45 AM

just take everything off your profile except her. i mean EVERYTHING. that'll sort her out.

it's a totally waste of time to me. I have enough friends that i can't even make time for.i just don’t need it.

D on fwb you will just get back together. and then break up. and then back together. and each break-up will get nastier and then you will really never talk again.

i have never heard of this working.

― bell_labs, Thursday, September 27, 2007 7:32 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark

oh the irony.