Invent interesting metaphors and similies for women's romantic novels.

I like that one.

His Zamboni polished her glistening walls (for the Hockey novel)

He skewered her pineapple (for the randy chef novel)

He buttered her scone (for the tea time romance)

He filled her Mad Lib (for the literary bodice-ripper)

This is genius. It works quite well visually.

He harpooned her blubber.

She revived his thread.

He cleansed her lysol douche.

He plunged his steed through her narrow gorge.

He graduated from Licking Valley High.

He hungrily plunged his spoon into her creamy love pudding

starbursts something something butterfly net

Now that the sandbox has taught us about proper romance writing, perhaps this thread should take another whirl around the dance floor.

He spammed her mailbox until her Outlook jammed.

He polled her repeatedly until she came out for Santorum.

Oh! That reminds me. I have installment 1 (subsequent installments will come from the chapters for various emotions, moving from "happiness, joy" through "anger, rage, and humiliation" and finally ending in "disappointment", just as the book does)

Just to put some boundaries on myself (hehehe), the source material is limited to
words: http://i508.photobucket.com/albums/s325/mylynx/Book%202/The_Romance_Cover.jpg
images: http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7141/6594501137_66dfa8acfb.jpg

respect is paid to the winner of the sandbox poll at the end, naturally
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7023/6596082263_5be3430906.jpg

That is completely and utterly brilliant.

I like to imagine that the massive and strong hand is spinning her around by the top of the head.

thanks!

i imagined that they were swaying to and fro in a deep hypnotic state, not touching, just swaying mechanically

I'd like to hear some more about this project...?

oh, it's nothing really. i was super bored and i started a poll on the sandbox with some phrases from the above linked "romance writer's phrasebook" that i have had sitting around forever. then it became evident that one could construct an entire story from these phrases, many of which were patently awful, and i made that thing i just posted.

i've chosen some more images and i imagine that it won't be hard to make more.

fyi i used elmer's glue to attach the words to the picture (this is a scan of the actual thing)

i also intentionally chose a boring serif font and plain old printer paper for the words.

i guess the book is arranged in a way that it's like connect the dots, and everyone connects the dots in a different way, much like the way people choose to interpret the same reality in different ways irl.

i really love that the last phrase in the book is "her mind was filled with sour thoughts" -- looking forward to using that one!

also, whose hand is it? it simply says "the hand"

http://www.freewebs.com/studiocube/Link_Against_the_Master_Hand.jpg

http://notcoming.com/animation/images/trnka_hand.gif

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b1/Hand_of_Omega.jpg

http://www.iteetude.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Foam-Monster-In-Emotional-Reunion-With-Severed-Limb.jpg

http://mightyredpen.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/handfeardvd.jpg

http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/192/912/OfficeDepotHand_display_image.jpg?1270711336

http://www.addamsfamily.com/addams/thing3.jpg

Amanda, i love that!

the invisible hand imo

I made another one (i think this may be lol hueg but i wanted both sets of words to be somewhat legible)
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7030/6635543553_54cb617579_b.jpg

whip some color into those cheeks!

glad this sandbox thread has been reborn

slim wild beauty

her hair was a cobweb

http://di1-1.shoppingshadow.com/images/pi/1e/fe/6d/96941463-260x260-0-0_Max+Factor+Max+Factor+Whipped+Creme+Makeup+Cafe+Ho.jpg

beckoned by soft ivory shoulders

covered in a cobweb of silvery hair

I would not be flattered if someone compared my hair to cobwebs.

You know: thin, and grey, and prone to breakage.

Full of spiders

Often found clinging to the ceiling in the corners of haunted houses.

good at trapping insects

no no these are SEXY cobwebs

they heave and beckon

and slowly turn in circles

"The tensile strength of [cobwebs are] greater than the same weight of steel and [they have] much greater elasticity."

also they are sexier

if nothing else, one must constantly wonder what Kent and Shelton were thinking when they composed these "tag" phrases

i wonder if that google books corpus could tell us if any of these more bizarre phrases have actually been used in romance novels?

Is there anything in the book like "His eyes crawled across the front of her blouse"? Because that's a good one, with the crawling eyes. Happens right before she starts spinning in circles.

there are a *lot* of romance novels

i feel confident xp

the steamy stuff is on its way, jenny, you gotta be patient.

Haha - crawling eyes as "steamy." Kind of makes you wonder whether romance authors have ever actually had sex.

iirc they don't have sex, they have sensual awakenings

i will retype the headings for the chapters about sex:

desire, attraction
touching
embracing
kisses
lovemaking

THAT'S IT

42 words for the color "brown" though!

is one of them santorum

All in the Lovemaking subchapter "Anal."

this picture is actually in the book, so
http://www.moviespad.com/photos/rick-santorum-family-0b379.jpg

i hope tuomas isn't mad at me for hogging his thread
i can move if necessary

xp I just had a stroke due to the rush of inappropriate jokes that flooded my cerebral cortex. Call 911.

this one is kind of goofy, but my favorite so far is next

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7032/6637587383_9a8b9dcdfd_z.jpg

dank tendrils

positively Lovecraftian

Cobweb hair, dank tendrils of hair.

she is light but resilient with cheekbones
he is dark, heavy, and has hair on his forehead

heavy in spirit, i mean

slim wild beauty

― La Lechera, Wednesday, January 4, 2012 2:53 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

This reminds me of a bar conversation I had w Nabisco once about how the perfect city girlfriend eats almost nothing, consumes no resources that you'll have to pay for, and takes up so little space that you can fold her up and store her in a closet--just right for your cramped apartment, much like a piece of low-budget exercise equipment.

so, olsens?

i want to post the next one because i feel like ch. 3 was a little uninspired but i don't want to flood the thread

^^ I must have terrible taste, bcz I did not feel that way at all about ch. 3.

I don't know, the Olsens consumed a lot of expensive drugs if the stories and pictures are to be believed.

no, i like it, just a little less than i like the rest of them. i think it's the cartoony image.

ok, here it is, this one is my favorite

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7012/6638056927_3891c49f1c_z.jpg

she does not seem to be having the best time

lol at car talk insert

aren't they charming illustrations for a chart about poison?

He engaged her clutch expertly

butterflies, strychnine, a skull, a vulture, a birdy

These are so great.

I think I used that as a line once.

thanks yenny!

"engaged her clutch"?

http://cdn.thegloss.com/files/2009/03/red-ruby-rose-clutch-purse-300x298.jpg

i like that his touch was so wild and electric that she wanted to jump

i also like this one in particular because you know something is about to happen

use sedatives to control convulsions
injection of antidote

^^ my favorite part of the poison guide

ok, so i have the next 8 parts planned out for a total of 12
feeling optimistic about it coming together (hehehe)

Ch. 5
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7146/6667216277_378dc42702_b.jpg

torn between glossy volcanic rock and pools of appeal

Ha, there are some awesome ones there.

i like "reverberated"

did anyone notice the text under the last one, "They continue with it simply because of apathy - a characteristic found among whores the world over."

Oh man, I totally didn't. That's perfect.

Actually, on looking over it again: the interplay between the background text and the romantic lines is genius throughout.

:)

Consider yourselves warned: the next one has some illustrated nudity in the image, and a smutty looking woman eating a piece of fruit, but it's not NSFW in any other way really.

Chapters used for this 6th installment include: Emotions --> confusion/tension, and Sex --> touching. So, you know, things are starting to happen to our friends She and He.

Also contains one of my favorite lines so far.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7009/6679586269_dce51b43ab.jpg
I left it medium sized for public posting purposes AND clearly the "d" was cut off the end of raced but my stupid scanner refused to scan the entire page every one of the 6+ times I tried so I gave up.

Totally late to the party here but wau... Amanda. Tumblr and book deal and glitter 'n gold in 3, 2, 1... <3

hey, thanks! this is only the halfway mark, so let's see where it goes. 7-12 are planned though, and the process is getting simpler with each chapter.

Arrrrgh this one is so creepy. Bit more difficult to read the backing page text, or maybe my eyes are just tired.

Also, "gamut of perplexing emotions"! Yes!

I can make it bigger -- I just didn't want anyone to not be warned...

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7009/6679586269_dce51b43ab_b.jpg

Pardon the editorial comment here, but I had to put it somewhere:

Encountering a small roadblock. The phrases/tags used to describe Her actions are really really really passive. His actions are all mostly forward and aggressive, or standoffish. So she never really gets to be the active person -- things happen to her, she gets taken by surprise!, various omg! situations. But she doesn't really get to DO ANYTHING. I am trying to find a way to use these phrases to insinuate that she does something without having to say it.
A challenge, I guess. Mostly because I am tired of her being frozen and aghast all the time.

/editorial comment

Maybe you could use the background image to highlight/contrast and so critique how passive all the language is as it relates to women.

I've already mentally framed and decorated my hallway with these, btw.

i have some things in mind...i think it'll go ok.
also :D

Gah, how is this not the best thing ever. Amanda you rawk, keep it up <3

I'd love to have these collected in a book, myself, though I can see how having them framed individually would be pretty cool to.

Chapter 7
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7168/6688179043_6ca712f9d8_b.jpg

Every cell in your body is a seething witches' cauldron in miniature

The kiss was like the soldering heat that sears metals.

Ouch

PRICKLEY HEAT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYdW57ismrw

THE EYES IN THE GAUNT FACE sounds like a 50s B-horror flick.

i need to bring Him back into the picture, maybe the next one. He needs to be a little more interesting, i think.

2, possibly 3 new ones coming soon...

in the meantime, i offer this one which made me lol

"Her senses were spun by the scent of his freshly showered body"

the steamy chapters have been hindered by two major things among a host of other issues, namely:

* obsession with cleanliness in the descriptions of Him (essentially, mmmm soap?)
* nonstop talk about nipples at the expense of basically every other body part

stay tuned, i guess.

Ha. Maybe this explains why Charlaine Harris is so obsessed with showers/baths/grooming rituals in the Sookie books. Although is Sookie who's always bathing, not the dudes.

The next few are going to look a little rough due to my finicky scanner, but try to bear with it.

Chapter 8
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7018/6709114011_22881a3094_b.jpg

I am also not 100% pleased with this one but it gets us from B to C

new background topic too -- forensic science

"A new and unexpected warmth" - she peed herself?

"With a few quick strokes, he closed the circle" - ewwwwwwwww

Hahahaha - This works better as a projection exercise than I thought! (I did not intend her to pee herself, no)

Also for the record, the circle thing was just so perplexing that I had to put it somewhere. This book is tame to the point that I have had to repurpose phrases from other chapters in order to get anyone to do anything not related to nipples. IIRC that one was from Sex --> "embracing", which made me think that it was about closing the circle of their...arms? Hands? Who knows. Something way more blah than what you may have imagined.

WARNING: The next few are going to be kinda NSFW if you or your employer blushes easily, but don't really have any especially "graphic content" out of context. No weird photos or anything.

I'm getting a little bit tired of this whole thing, and there are 4 more to go.

This is Ch. 9, featuring selections from Sex --> Lovemaking as well as Body Parts --> Eyes and the one you're going to be like "EW" is actually from a misc. chapter about reactions.

This is the second to last of the pure smutty ones, don't worry, things will definitely start to go downhill fast.

ALSO -- my scanner cut off the first line and the "t" in hot (obvs)

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7170/6709117893_23bacaaa8c_b.jpg

the fact that i could somehow manage to put that together without using a single phrase that refers to nipples or cleanliness is more of a feat than you might imagine
this chapter was pretty lame

He stiffened at the question. Awesome.

Smut redeemed.

I feel dirty.

It's true that this is not for the faint of heart.

I have one more in this section and then there will be two final panels until we reach our inevitable end: "Her mind was filled with sour thoughts."

Chapter 10
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7156/6709116445_871e3a1f87_b.jpg

Aside from the "possession" bit, that one is kind of sweet/lovely.

That was my intention -- the possession was for continuity, the rest (esp the stars) was because it was pretty.
Also, "disinfectant"

aspirin vs "pills" vs "travel pills"

Oh good! Yeah, that totally works. Yay!

These are really tremendous. Thanks so much!

Also, who is doing the possessing and who is being possessed? Unclear.

Hey, thanks!

These are really very beautiful. I would like to have them framed, going in order around a boudoir or dressing room tbh.

(First I'm going to need a dressing room, natch.)

I need to have the originals scanned at higher quality. I wonder if there is any benefit to squashing them between the pages of a book to prevent glue crinkle?

Two more after this btw.

This last one might be my favourite. You need to get these out, on tumblr at the very least! If you want help setting one up let me know. This just deserves to be seen by millions.

"She shattered into a million glowing stars" has been killing me all day

Hyperbolic nonsense. ;)

I'll think about what to do with them when I'm finished. Putting them here is hasty enough!
The last one is in my top 2 favorites too. I had been looking forward to using that page.

Laurel ;-D

@LL fair enough, I'm just expressing how much in awe I am of your creations here. Staggering.

Oh man, thanks. I appreciate it. For real!

Chapter 11, next one is the end because every story must come to an end.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7013/6727030875_a0b5a1a307_b.jpg

lots of background text on this one, sorry if it's illegible

The end, thanks for reading,

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7168/6727032603_f4c5388107_b.jpg

This last one is probably my favorite juxtaposition of words and images.

*claps wildly*

lots of background text on this one, sorry if it's illegible

The background is perfect on this one.

Thanks! I feel like the last two have hit me with a ton of bricks.
I emailed the contest again btw Jenny.

I keep worrying that there is a spelling error in one of these. That would be the worst. I check and recheck and check again but you know how that can be.

I realize that I am basically talking to myself here, but today was the day I went back to the thrift store that had #79 of the Encyclopedia of the Human Body and Mind to see if there was anything else there that inspired me. I went all around the books section, found a great book with huge pictures of baby animals, and then I saw the OTHER magazine rack with like 20 more installments of the encyclopedia. I bought them all, total expenditure $7. I anticipate many more hours of pointless typing, cutting, and glueing in my future.

(I put the baby animal picture book back because I didn't want to carry it home on the ~ 2 mi walk in the snow) The end.

These are mad awesome.

^^ otm

Yes. I wish I was wealthy enough to offer you a book deal LL, I really do. I've said it before and at the risk of tiring you doing so again: you need to get these out there. In whatever shape or form. Spectacular.

Webmailed u!

I really appreciate the support. This thread will be updated with any future developments, of which there is possibly one currently in the works. If that woman ever writes back?!

Do I know anyone in Chicago who would loan me a fog machine?

Webmailed you just now with my email address, because webmail on here doesn't reach me (old address)

That woman knows you are waiting to hear from her and is going to email you! She said she answers emails on Sunday.

Alright then -- taking care of the situation. I have told enough people about this that I would be officially embarrassed if I didn't make it happen, so I will do the necessary legwork and hopefully find a fog machine. The rest is ready to go.

Also

--> I think I will take requests so if you have a romantic situation that you would like to be immortalized using official romance language and images from the marshall cavendish encyclopedia of the human body and mind, let me know. I can fix it up 4 u.

Update:

* I removed the images from view temporarily
* I did this because I am about to use them and I want to fix the ones that didn't scan properly
* How am I using them? For better or worse, I have entered (don't laugh) a contest that involves a reading and I plan to project the images while I read the text
* This takes place in one week
* I have been practicing, and I recorded the first half of it (just audio, that's all I'm worried about really)

So excited to attend this contest.

That is so cool! I'm sure you'll knock their socks off.

yaaaaaaay awesome, Amanda! wish i could come.

Thanks guys! I am pretty excited, trying not to get my hopes up and be cool. (This is hard for me since I always get my hopes up and am never cool)

I made another few little ones just for fun and framed them, but I don't really have any purpose for them yet. I guess I'll wait until some birthdays roll around?

Seriously I would have never even considered showing these to anyone unless someone had encouraged me, so thanks for real.

My birthday is in November. I am just saying.

Wow I seem to have missed a whole lot between the sandbox + now but this is seriously awesome + I'm so excited for you! Crossing fingers, but I know you won't need luck bcuz yr work will blow everyone away. This is great!

Did you arrange for a smoke machine? Or for some to video the performance for us ilxors? :)

Excited for this!

I have nixed the smoke machine as (1) I couldn't find one and (2) even if I did, it might obscure the images from being projected and (3) it has been suggested that that would be "too much" :(

If someone is going to record it, I would rather not know until it's over. I will say that it sounds better read out loud than I ever expected it to.

You will be great, you know it. My birthday's a week tomorrrow. Just sayin'. :D

Oh! Really?! I should have been able to figure that out from our birthday conversation the other night, but it's going on the calendar. I hope you like late birthday presents!

I hope you like late birthday presents!

That should clarify things.

Em -- I sent you a message.

I have been kind of a maniac with these again. I made a couple of little ones and put them in a frame, only one of them is facing the back because it's the thought behind the thought. You could also just reverse them if you want.

This is the outside
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7146/6829780917_58935872dd_z.jpg

I also made a Valentine!

Well, the people failed to recognize my genius; if you want to win a contest judged by invisible rules, go with comedy instead of high concept. STILL, there was definitely some competition, and I did well.

Maybe my screen wasn't big enough. Next time!

Your genius, nevertheless, is fully recognized and intact here at lix. That muscular one is swellerrific!

Thanks! Tomorrow I'll post my Valentine. It's a little different, but same general feel.

What's more romantic than kissing a corpse? Happy Valentine's Day, ILX! <3 u.
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7034/6829783589_40a29fd4e1_b.jpg

First three stanzas (minus the last line) are from the version of "Fair Margaret and Lady William" which had been "communicated to Percy by the Dean of Derry, as written down by memory by his mother, Mrs. Bernard." (From Vol 2 of the 5 volume The English and Scottish Popular Ballads" set, p. 201. I used the last line from the version Shirley Collins sang on The Power of the True Love Knot why because I felt like it)

Ah! I knew I knew those words. Would've been the Shirley Collins, yes.

LL this stuff is so so awesome I wish I could kickstart you an art prize of yr own!

Oh, it's more than enough that anyone cares.

These really knock me out. Sorry the judges were a bunch of ninnys.

Eh, it was just a good deadline/excuse to get excited about something/costume opportunity.
I'm not quite sure how to proceed, but I think I'll just keep making them and if the opportunity to read them aloud presents itself, I will do it.

I do have 5 volumes of ballads and no shortage of other things to cut up and glue together, that's for sure.

Not exactly related, but I threw this together from an ancient ESL book called Time and Space: A Reader. It's pretty much a goldmine, but it's all b/w. (image sorta nsfw but honestly, it's a drawing and not really very explicit at that)

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7204/6873874317_14a4d22934_z.jpg

Do these images still exist anywhere? I knew you were reading at the Whistler, but I had no idea about any of this until just now!

Yeah, they're on flickr. I'll email you a link.

Merci.

They should also be linked above but not to the set.

Amanda's project + this piece make me feel like i should really be reading romance novels

Simone de Beauvoir wrote in The Second Sex (1949) "[Woman] is defined and differentiated with reference to man and not he with reference to her; she is the incidental, the inessential as opposed to the essential. He is the Subject, he is the Absolute — she is the Other."

In romance fiction this formula is reversed, as scholar and former Mills & Boon editor jay Dixon (who spells her name with a lower-case "j") observes in her book The Romantic Fiction of Mills & Boon 1909-1995. Woman is the Subject, man the Other.

That is indeed true if the Romance Writer's Phrase Book is any indication!! I remain really disappointed in the overwhelming negativity of the book too. The last line in my "novel" is also the last line in the book --
"her mind was filled with sour thoughts."

I mean, think about that.

I also had a difficult time getting her to do anything that was not a reaction to what he was doing.

Tangentially, my mom attends a lot of "writer's conferences" at which she sees ALL kinds of weirdos (self-help, self-published romance writers, memoirists, etc) and she said that by far, the most depressing scene was in front of the romance writers' booth. She described it as "grim."

All of this just makes me more interested in it, naturally.

haha. maria bustillos recommends mills & boon and harlequin joints published between the late '30s and 1980 fwiw

Ive surely posted this romanticalz novel cover I made once, on here before right?

http://www.memorygongs.com/cover_3redone.jpg

This sort of reminds me of what La Lech has been up to: http://heroofswitzerland.blogspot.com/2012/01/judo-casebook.html

Interesting! Totally. I made a few more. I guess I could put them up here?

This one is my favorite of the newer ones that are not part of the original Ch. 1-12. (I have no idea what to call this btw -- I don't speak art language beyond very rudimentary basics -- I know what an installation is. Kind of.)
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7058/6777765246_262502353a_b.jpg

Yes please! I prefer your stuff, as it's more creative, but I quite like the judo strips... kind of imbues a lot of the trite problem page writing with more pathos, maybe?

xpost

Some of those are really odd... are they still from the same book? I don't even know what "foundation-training in the iron game" is meant to mean.

I called it "It may also radiate"

The words are from Jean Kent's other phrasebook, this one,
The Professional Writer's Phrase Book

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Pk-ZdE9GL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

I wish I could pretend to know how to talk about this stuff, but I really don't. I never took any art classes beyond photography and pottery, which I toooootally bungled.

And the new phrase book is just like nonstop utter nonsense -- there are these "commercial phrases" used in sales, lots more sex, but a little more graphic and with fewer nipples this time (?) and TONS OF PIZZAZZ! (not really)

I mean, "banged his walker noisily across the room" <--- where exactly are you going to use this phrase? is that really an all-purpose phrase?

also it's a new issue of "story of life" -- i have another one but i don't really like it as much so i am not going to post it.
i do like the cover of story of life #41 though

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7188/6923935271_16905b779f_z.jpg

the article is about sun damage to the skin

i'm not sure if that's sfw or not?!

sorry if not :(

Is your worry about how to talk about it artistically mainly because you don't really know how to explain what you're doing to other people? I'd say it's collaged found poetry using the cut-up technique, I think most people would understand that at least roughly.

And the new phrase book is just like nonstop utter nonsense -- there are these "commercial phrases" used in sales, lots more sex, but a little more graphic and with fewer nipples this time (?) and TONS OF PIZZAZZ! (not really)

This is a great description. Once again, I want these books. I'm assuming the "walker" being banged noisily across the room is what I would call a Zimmer frame? So, like, some cranky old person stomping about?

So, like, some cranky old person stomping about?
Yes.

Do I have your permission to use your description of what I'm doing? I don't know what else to call it and I like doing it but explaining the whole thing is getting a little tiresome for me and also for everyone who makes the mistake of asking me what I've been up to.

Q - can you see the rabbit?

Haha, of course you can use that description.

It took me ages to actually work out that it was a person on that Story of Life cover. I kept on looking for Wittgenstein's duckrabbit in the contours. And now the only rabbit I can see is in the diagrammatic person's crotch.

I like that the lady on the cover is curled up like a rabbit, and also there is a rabbit hopping out of the disease gravestones and there is a human figure growing out of its ears.

The images in these magazines are really amazing! That's where the nurses came from too. There are so many that I'm just sort of saving for later.

I also dug up my 1977 Clemente yearbook, which is so full of interesting faces that I could cry.

well, i guess i started a tumblr
let's see if i can keep this together?! i'm going to try.
hasn't been too taxing so far, maybe i can allow the world to see these things now?

the username is the same as the silly stagename i chose

dolores + genus name for goldenrod

any suggestions for maintaining copyright on the images?

emily, i may use your description if anyone ever asks what i'm doing :)

here is an interesting george lakoff lecture about how he started thinking about conceptual metaphor, cold rainy day, 5 students, a woman comes into class late covered in rain and crying.

he relates a story of a a young woman (above) who talks about her relationship with her boyfriend during class (lol Berkeley in the 70s) and how it is a "dead end street" -- this leads to a discussion about romantic love and the phrases used to describe it

"...English has a lot of expressions where love is seen as a journey"

watch it! he's awesome (he does a lot of political discourse analysis these days, super interesting too but not relevant, worth watching though for sure!!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu-9rpJITY8

a friend was recently excited about the romance novel phrase "her creamy sheath", which she'd encountered somewhere on the internet. i thought it suggested canneloni more than arousal.

one en, two els

'creamy sheath' sounds more Penthouse Forum than romance novel, ew

yeah, it's not terribly enticing

just a little boomp

for this

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7216/7091859683_8f9194f93d_b.jpg

50 shades of grey is basically this thread, right?

50 Shades of Grey wishes it were this thread.

awesome

anyway if you guys wanna see my tumblr, where i am adding a bit more meat (hehehe) to the story, it's here
all or most of the captions are from the phrasebook as well
http://doloressolidago.tumblr.com/

omg i just found these atrocious scripts for a "choose your own sex adventure" service thing (i saw it on jezebel) and i wonder what would happen if these abysmal scripts collided with the romance writer's phrasebook??!
http://s3.amazonaws.com/WP_redirect/media/Sexy-Tales-Female-Script.pdf
http://s3.amazonaws.com/WP_redirect/media/Sexy-Tales-Male-Script.pdf

the one for men is just about the worst thing i have ever read.

holy shit

nsfw if your workplace doesn't want you reading stuff like "mixing your juices with my precum into a miraculous lubricant"

"This is the best."

"Oh yeah, that's nice"

this is the utter worst
i actually grew to like the romance writer's phrasebook after a while

The one for men is clearly designed to turn on the man reading it more than the woman to whom it would ostensibly be read.

"It’s usually a woman who performs phone sex for the man."

Also "like your wetness" is going to skeeve me out for a long time.

lick, not like, but either way: skeevy.

"Press 2 to finish off inside my very moist cavern"

Lolz

"OMG! I'm oozing all over you"

http://protoncharging.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/neca_slimer_translucent.gif

lolol

btw, i just bought this book based on this thread
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0399510028/

awesome! that's enough to make me post the audio version that i did recently. i was a little embarrassed about it, but what the hell
i hope you enjoy the book. it's a strange journey from page 1 to "her mind was filled with sour thoughts".

i hid the link bc i don't want it to be googleable! http://bit.ly/1oWeC0L

fucking awesome.

this book will live in my bathroom prob forever.

before too long you're going to start assembling your own…i had the book sitting on my shelf for years before i knew what to do with it. now i feel like the possibilities are endless!

well maybe not
the physical descriptions do lack range

but not DEPTH mirit

His eyes were pools of appeal.

OMG the track. Amazing.

hey thanks! i'm proud bc the drums sound pretty good and seem to synch up with the story well enough

are you enjoying the romance writer's phrase book y/n

i saw the trailer for the 50 shades movie and it looks AWFUL
like "here is a gift of some cherries, now let's hump in my private jet" awful

yes
it's nice to have around the house to sweettalk the gal with

haha
may your minds be filled with sour thoughts!