sleeping with your ex - C or D?

on the other hand, i really just want to have sex. dont know if i should do it with her though, it would prob make things really messy. i dont know though.

Ken OTM, by the way. If you thought it was a good idea, you wouldn't have started this thread.

i dont seek permission, or a stamp of approval to make myself feel better, im just wondering aloud if its a good thing to do or not. im not trying to ease my conscience. i dont want to sleep with my ex no strings attached, i dont want to be back with her as a couple no, but i dont plan on just fucking her then turfing her out my house! i still care a lot for her, i dont wanna hurt her, but were both still attracted to each other.

isn't phone sex even more bizarre than actual sex? i mean, that's not even just like biological instincts. you're talking and thinking about it.

(I haven't had sex in yoinks but you don't see me ringing my ex for phone sex.)

!!!!!

If you really don't want to get back together, have casual sex or wait for the right person.

It seems you are too worried, so why bother?

Can you not see that there is no happy medium here? What on earth DO you want? It's not going to work, and the best case scenario for YOU is that she's the only one who ends up suffering. Get the idea out of your head, go out and meet someone else, otherwise it'll end in tears. For sure.

fuck her up where?

(sorry)

a) it had already been quite a while since we broke up (a few years, not months), and

b) both of us knew we just wanted a bit of warmth and cuddling and sex with someone familiar and safe, nothing more, so

c) we knew there was no chance of us actually getting back together.

I don't think this is a common experience though, so you can't deduce anything of it. Just wanted to point out that ex sex doesn't always end in tears.

Strangely enough, we never actually slept together when we were together!

I've had the same experience.

On other occasions? Massive recriminations. Bad idea. Nothing but awful trouble

(N.B. there may be one ex I'd like to test the theory with. Okay. Maybe two of them. Possibly at the same time. But I'm not going to because I'm a grown-up now and shouldn't do that sort of thing)

You or anyone else sleeping with any of my exes: dud

Wow, J-rock you stud! When do you sleep?

Seriously, bad idea.

xpost

The others, either there's no way in hell I'd touch them with someone else's vagina, or else they live in very faraway counties and NYC is a bit far to go for casual sex, you know?

THE MIND BOGGLES!!

just as ook

It's classic if the sex is good. Dud if the sex is bad. My ex just has too many sweet moves for me to say no!

hi

what kinda sweet moves

like the ol' tuck and tumble
or are we talking more like the one two three

Huge fucking dud. My ex-ex took advantage of my weak emotional state and we kept doing it.

Then one time, we did it and it was robotic. No affection or emotion in either of us. It ended right then.

hrumph. if my ex had any "moves" at all maybe she wouldn't be my ex. /hrumph.

xpost

http://www.grindhousedatabase.com/images/thumb/Sweet_movie.jpg/300px-Sweet_movie.jpg

the few years i was doing this on and off (and during subsequent relationships) was pretty much definitely the stupidest time of my life

ya - i don't see the point is sleeping with your ex when you're in a new relationship.

what was the logic (if any) there?

don't want to go into too much detail (as much for not reliving it myself) but there was lots of insistence on one side, lots of passivity on the other, and a badly misplaced desire to relive something good that had completely gone

I like the way the M is penetrating the O in that poster ;-)

"Moves" as in knows what I like and what buttons to push. We have amazing sex, but sadly aren't very good at the emotional coupleley relationship bit.

Perhaps sex with your ex is only classic if you are not emotionally attached to them?

i feel pretty lucky that i got out of my last relationship w/o recourse to this. i was super lonely and missed her for weeks, a couple of times we came close, flirting at parties & just an incoming rush of old feeling, but sleeping w/ someone else really put things in perspective, realize now how much it would have just prolonged pain & confusion

Huge fucking dud. My ex-ex took advantage of my weak emotional state and we kept doing it.

― angel of debt!!! monarch to the kingdom of the Fed... (San Te), Monday, February 21, 2011 7:15 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

sympathize w u but blaming your ex for taking advantage of you in this sitch is not honorable imo

Not saying I didn't bear some blame but ex asked me to have sex minutes after we broke up. Not an exaggeration.

At first I said "no", because I didn't think it would help things. After a half hour, she 'innocently' offered again, and I wanted to say "no" again but it had been hard enough saying "no" the first time and part of me clung to the (fleeting) possibility that maybe she'd change her mind.

So...that to me is "taking advantage" of me. Had she waited a day or a week to prop, that'd be different

an ex gf of mine once walked in on me banging another ex gf of mine.

Answer to thread Q: Have never done this, cannot imagine ever doing this. Once I go off someone, whichever side of the break-up I'm on, I am not going back; that door is closed. Plus history suggests that I'm probably not speaking to them anymore, anyway, and will very probably never even see them again.

Also, my user name just combined with this thread title on the main New Answers page to look like "sleeping with your sister." Snarff.

It's classic if the sex is good. Dud if the sex is bad. My ex just has too many sweet moves for me to say no!

― captain rosie, Monday, February 21, 2011 7:09 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

hi

― buzza, Monday, February 21, 2011 7:11 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark

lol

Plus history suggests that I'm probably not speaking to them anymore, anyway, and will very probably never even see them again.

what a dire history

it actually embarrasses me quite a bit that three-quarters of my close female friends are exes tbh

why

fair q

i don't know.

It's not that dire -- I don't date my friends, so it's not like any glowing-with-potential life-long friendships have been tossed away.

don't partic want to be friends w my ex even tho she is really cool but we have a lot of common friends so i can't do much abt it

seems traumatic to have had all yr relationships end in scorched earth and hard feelings, like the relationship itself was nothing but struggle that both parties want to flee from

I don't understand the not dating friends thing - even if you hadn't known them before, surely your boyfriend/girlfriend would become your friend at some point in the relationship? If not, then why are you in a relationship with them? Shagging can only take you so far.

you've been shagging the wrong people

xp - i think the theory is similar to "don't shit where you eat" in terms of the initial relationship. And sometimes when you break up with someone, it is because they have proven that they're not really your friend.

Yeah, meaning that I don't tend to allow friendships that are good and that I like the way they are get complicated by drinking or whatever and then have them lead to something. I dunno. Have broken this rule maybe once? that I can think of and just for me personally, I know that I can't afford to do it.

I've also dated a bunch of people I wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't have been friends with, so that's probably part of it.

most of the time the guys i've ended up in relationships with were people i hit it off with in the first couple times i met them, so the romantic/sexual interest existed before a platonic friendship evolved.

Ditto. And then once it becomes romantic/sexual, I can't backtrack. I dunno, somehow the prospect of being friends who have seen each other naked and at our most private/vulnerable moments is just repellent to me. I don't want anyone I pall around with and might need to draw boundaries with to know me like that.

I dunno, somehow the prospect of being friends who have seen each other naked and at our most private/vulnerable moments is just repellent to me.

hmm, i think i'm kinda the opposite? unless the private/vulnerable moments were really horrible and humiliating.

It's not monolithic but I've gotten on well with most of my exes and there are at least two whom I subsequently slept with if we were both single. It helps when you both know what you're sexual chemistry is like. It also helps when the reason for your break-up isn't traumatic, I guess, too.

It will come a shock to no one that I'm bad at vulnerability -- in my mind, that's when I'm weakest, and if someone knows me in those moments, I'll never get that image of myself back from them, out of their minds, so I'd rather just not be in their lives at all. Huh, I didn't realize all of that until just now. Thanks, ilx!

thank you, Laurel, I think I understand what was probably going through the mind of this guy I was friends with that I got drunk and slept with, and who has been "not my friend" since.

Happy to help, in the natural course of my self-administered therapy sessions!

I've also dated a bunch of people I wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't have been friends with

i can understand not wanting to be friends after a relationship is over and i can understand not wanting to cross lines with existing friends. but i certainly wouldn't want to date ppl that i would not otherwise have been friends with.

i'm over being sad about it, but i wish i had known he had a habit of doing this and then behaving that way in re female friends before we hooked up. Also, it kinda sucked because he was a bass player, and there aren't enough good bass players out here now.

Yeah, well...that's the risk you run, with hook-ups. Sometimes, for some people, they fundamentally change things.

i can understand not wanting to be friends after a relationship is over and i can understand not wanting to cross lines with existing friends. but i certainly wouldn't want to date ppl that i would not otherwise have been friends with.

― mookieproof, Friday, February 25, 2011 1:36 PM (54 seconds ago)

^^^

Maybe I'm misreading posts, apologies if I am, but having distinctions between "this person is friend material" and "this person is fuck/relationship material" is very o_O to me.

i think we're actually on good terms now, or at least better terms. but i spent months wondering what the fuck his problem was, and that vulnerability thing sounds like a good bet.

xp I didn't say it was healthy.

i spent months wondering what the fuck his problem was

maybe he developed ~feelings~

not dating friends also has to do with if you have a bad breakup it kind of puts your mutual friends in an awkward place?

i dunno

Yeah, also that. The only ex I ever stayed friends with, we were very careful not to have any side-taking cos basically our entire social circle was shared. Also we genuinely liked each other and just wanted to be friends and not a couple any more.

maybe he developed ~feelings~

― mookieproof, Friday, February 25, 2011 11:45 AM (4 minutes ago)

about me? flattering, but doubtful

i'm cool w/ all my exes but ppl who say "we're like jerry and elaine!" creep me out

not dating friends also has to do with if you have a bad breakup it kind of puts your mutual friends in an awkward place?

This, totally. R was the first bf I had who was part of a very large close knit circle of friends - mostly perth ex-pats. Him leaving me for his current gf means theyre both EVERYWHERE I want to be now, and she's gotten pally even with friends of mine she didnt know before, and ugh ugh it makes my socialising so hard. Thats totally MY problem of course, I should just rise above. But I cant. Its been a year and I still cant do it. I dont know why. I just hate her.

i'd think it would be pretty obvious why, and you have very good reasons for hating her.

Yeah but I dont hate him? I mean in a way I do, but... yeah.

I got other exes I wouldnt piss on if they were on fire - but when you've been strangled by someone saying "I could fucking kill you right now if I wanted to", you kind of dont wanna be around them ever again, you know?

well, yeah, i mean, logically you should hate both of them, but one of them was your bf and best friend, even though he fucked you over. Her, on the other hand, is just a dumb ho

had dinner with my ex tonight
it was weird but not too bad
we did not sleep together
perhaps because neither of us were afflicted with short-term nymphomania

is that like that scene in Blue Velvet where Dennis Hopper says he'll fuck anything that moves?

but i certainly wouldn't want to date ppl that i would not otherwise have been friends with.

i cant imagine dating someone i was already close friends w/. the getting to know you/discovery period of a relationship is p great ime i like the sense of possibility. also i think that what i want from a friend & what i want from a partner are different, there is overlap, & it makes sense to like the person your w/ but theyre different relationships.

sleeping w/ your ex is p much inevitable imo

probably not? xp

do we have a resident expert in short-term nymphomania?

omg mookie lol

also i think that what i want from a friend & what i want from a partner are different, there is overlap, & it makes sense to like the person your w/ but theyre different relationships

well yes but i think yr partners should perhaps be a v. special subset of yr friends? sure, things are different, but why would you partner with someone you otherwise essentially disliked?

do we have a resident expert in short-term nymphomania?

i believe we do

i guess if the context wasn't fraught with symptoms of emotional weakness and trying to relive something that ended badly, it would probably be fine, like Michael's example. In my case, it was enjoyable during the act, but afterwards felt pathetic.

Would totally hook up with a few ppl I'm friends with tbqh but eh *shrug*

i think the last time we did it to the John Cale cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" and it was perfectly soundtracked, so it wasn't a total loss.

i would too, but can see why they wouldn't (apart from obvs reasons, i mean) xp

messing with (that particular) cale seems a little blasphemous but . . . rock on

i guess if the context wasn't fraught with symptoms of emotional weakness and trying to relive something that ended badly, it would probably be fine, like Michael's example. In my case, it was enjoyable during the act, but afterwards felt pathetic.

with any ltr relationship backsliding is really easy its dumm to be so hard on yourself, feelings dont vanish overnight &c &c

mookie its more that the criterion are completely different - ive always liked/respected my partners but what i value in them is p different from what i value in a friend. like just as an e.g. many of my friendships are based around shared interests, social proxomity, history but i dont really care about any of that w/ my bf.

i prefer it to the original tbh. my ex-bf really didn't care much for music.

i prefer it to the original tbh

so do i!

but i guess fuckin' is a pretty suitable accompaniment to it after all

especially fucking your ex

the climax was definitely a cold and broken hallelujah, god

ok lamp, what do you care about with bfs? liked/respected is good and seems a good way towards possibly being friends?

i mean yes one wants sexiness and mystery and hotttness with a partner. but if that partner is sexy and mysterious and hott and an asshole is it really gonna work out?

oh sarahel

it's ok, it was a year ago, i can laugh about it now.

i thought you were talking abt the bassist, which was a whole other thing, sorry

oh no - that was a drunken one night stand with a friend.

i think the soundtrack to that one was the first episode of Season 4 of The Wire and then the looped menu audio once it ended.

ummm

mookie i guess i prefer being friends w/ ppl that im generally similar to but i typically d8 ppl that are dissimilar i mean like most ppl i want to be around ppl who are kind & treat me well not assholes but im probably willing to tolerate sorta asshole friends if we have a good time whereas i wld never d8 sum1 i thought was an asshole

I'm reconciling with an old ex of mine from twenty years ago, he is nothing like my friends from the past twenty years and they don't like him, but I made a mistake, went back to my roots and I'm not coming back.

They really don't like this person, he doesn't like the same music they do, but we grew up together, if they don't understand that, tough.

I haven't spoken to them in at least two years, they are mad that I think they are being trivial and judgmental, all because we don't like the same music or shallow things. Some things are worth bonding over, music and going to shows just isn't with me.

i typically d8 ppl that are dissimilar

how do u make this happen?

Being an asshole is mysterious and hott? It isn't worth it. Websites are full of bad advice for sad and lonely people. Dissimilar people, well a lot of people meet someone through church or a job and they don't like the same things on the surface but maybe they have something else.

Dissimilar often means dissimilar by someone else's standards, bringing someone else's standards into your life is often a bad idea.

yes but who is similar to u s steel?

Someone who wants to siphon 20k off you apparently?

Lots of people where I come from.

I am telling you, I left the world of careers and money and that kind of dating and I am resolved not to look back.

Where I come from men aren't big stars and don't spend all their time in the gym, I am really happy now, I have found the guy, he is overweight and isn't cute in that yuppie way. My old friends don't find that sexy, I lived with that yuppie guy for years, didn't pay the bills, now I think of sleeping with him and regret it. He just wasn't attractive.

My new fat Italian boyfriend doesn't bring home the buck - we don't even have health insurance or new cars, but i think this one is forever.

Don't be deceived by the dollar into what is attractive, I realized I spent a lot of time on someone who isn't very attractive and really didn't do anything for me.

So I'm satisfied and I'm not going to be making any major life changes any time soon.

I feel sorry for people who are confused about what is attractive. What is attractive to me is someone who is there for you and who helps pay the bills.

Fat ugly Italian and Mexican guys are hot, not guys who want you to support your career but who won't take you to a doctor when you need one.

But I'm excited about my new life with my old family and friends, I'm not letting anyone new into it. Not ever.

u s steel is awesome.

go white sox!

Since my dad died it's nice having someone who is the match of him and not someone who thinks he can be daddy and falls five years short.

I never thought I could find someone who takes the place of dad.

Websites are full of bad advice for sad and lonely people.

except this one

do we have a resident expert in short-term nymphomania?

Yeah, but she doesn't have much experience with remaining friends with exes, hiding behind the bushes from them, or whatever. And she's already filled her ILX bad advice quota for the year.

Lots of people where I come from.

I am telling you, I left the world of careers and money and that kind of dating and I am resolved not to look back.

Where I come from men aren't big stars and don't spend all their time in the gym, I am really happy now, I have found the guy, he is overweight and isn't cute in that yuppie way. My old friends don't find that sexy, I lived with that yuppie guy for years, didn't pay the bills, now I think of sleeping with him and regret it. He just wasn't attractive.

My new fat Italian boyfriend doesn't bring home the buck - we don't even have health insurance or new cars, but i think this one is forever.

Don't be deceived by the dollar into what is attractive, I realized I spent a lot of time on someone who isn't very attractive and really didn't do anything for me.

So I'm satisfied and I'm not going to be making any major life changes any time soon.

I feel sorry for people who are confused about what is attractive. What is attractive to me is someone who is there for you and who helps pay the bills.

― Funye West! (u s steel), Saturday, February 26, 2011 2:46 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

u s steel, if you're reading, I still think your post is awesome.