The Things You Learn From The METRO

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Here we chronicle the things we learn from The Metro free newspaper

I learnt today from the 2nd page of the metro in london that there is a BSE control of at what age older cattles are prevented from entering the food chain.

and it's called THE OTM RULE

more info here.
http://www.food.gov.uk/foodindustry/meat/otmreview/

LOL OTM

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:32 (twenty years ago)

I learnt that the plural of octopus is octopodes and that octopi is when Latin noobs get their Greek in a twist.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:38 (twenty years ago)

I haven't read the Metro and its astonishing ungrammatical headlines (HOSPITAL BED BOY DRAMA!!!) in ages. This makes me sad somehow.

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

They are the teletext news of papers.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

Some of the Teletext headlines yesterday were classic - especially the ones about the Impaled Conker Boy

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:44 (twenty years ago)

What is Impaled Conker Boy? Is that as good as it sounds?

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

Some young shaver who shimmied up a tree to collected horse chestnuts (or "conkers" as these young fellows call them) and fell onto a fence, dying in the result - all very tragic but, unfortunately "conker" is an intrinsically funny word especially when combined with "impaled"

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:57 (twenty years ago)

"What is Impaled Conker Boy?"

Possibly a Flaming Lips b-side.

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:58 (twenty years ago)

A week ago in the Metro I learned the name of an artist who made revolting rat sculptures. However, I have forgotten her name. Can anyone help?

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:01 (twenty years ago)

Lee "Army Of Lovers/What About The Elephants" Ryan thinks that 50 Cent should be singing about how lucky he is to be alive (p 19).

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:04 (twenty years ago)

What is Impaled Conker Boy? Is that as good as it sounds?

How good *does* it sound?

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:17 (twenty years ago)

it sounds like a comic book story. which is pretty good

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:21 (twenty years ago)

It involves a 12-year-old boy dying after falling onto railings.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:31 (twenty years ago)

yes, when i found that out it became less like a comic book story

(unless he then becomes radioactive)

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:32 (twenty years ago)

Nemi is a dick.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:15 (twenty years ago)

nemi is teh cuet, f00l.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:17 (twenty years ago)

ok, not really.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:17 (twenty years ago)

I'd like to see a photo of Claire Allfree.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:30 (twenty years ago)

I was just out at lunch, thinking about the Metro, when I saw a man with mad starey eyes shouting incoherently at passers by. In his hand he was waving a copy of today's Metro.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:44 (twenty years ago)

Your mental power alone called him into existance!!!

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:48 (twenty years ago)

he was trying to determine which passer-by didn't pass the OTM rule

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:50 (twenty years ago)

hospital bed boy TRAGEDY kate! wife cheat death quiz!

― emsk ( emsk), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:16 (twenty years ago)

also an entire page about why cheese and tomato sauce sandwiches go soggy and why pizza doesn't and how to stop your cheese and tomato sauce sandwich from going soggy.

also our russian works for LU and their internal magazine is called otm! i will steal one from our living room and bring it to you ken.

― emsk ( emsk), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:17 (twenty years ago)

yes please!

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:27 (twenty years ago)

Mourinho is committed to the task at hand.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:28 (twenty years ago)

I have learned that 'THIS LIFE' is the worst cartoon the world has to offer.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:22 (twenty years ago)

worse than the aformentioned Nemi? Love Is? The Daily Mail's 'I Don't Believe It'? George & Lynne? Doonesbury?

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:30 (twenty years ago)

Much worse than Nemi. Love is and G&L have kitsch value. Doonesbury is apparently clever if you're into such things. I Don't Believe It I don't know.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:31 (twenty years ago)

There is no value to that sort of kitsch. I guess Lynne does have a nice arse though.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:34 (twenty years ago)

this life is utterly dreadful. all the bile for nemi should take into consideration the fact that it registers as an actual feature of the paper, where this life just seems to be white noise in newspaper form, a visaul teflon that the eye slides over without passing through any part of the brain

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:36 (twenty years ago)

I learnt from the Metro today that there is a dolphin that will hum the batman theme when shown a small plastic batman model.

― bidfurd__, Monday, 3 October 2005 14:40 (twenty years ago)

God I love dolphins.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:43 (twenty years ago)

they never impress me. monkeys tho - you can't go wrong with a monkey story

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:46 (twenty years ago)

I completely disagree. Monkeys were played out by the end of the last century.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:49 (twenty years ago)

Hippy.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:54 (twenty years ago)

we saw monkeys yesterday. I preferred the red river hog though.

― suckling pig at a rave (alix), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:55 (twenty years ago)

Oh give the boy a "Monkey Business" T-shirt from Burtons.

x-post

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:56 (twenty years ago)

yeah? well dolphins are so 80s

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:58 (twenty years ago)

Yeah well the 80s are back, haven't you seen the Tight Fit reunion tour?

And at least you don't have to put up with at least five teams called dolphin something at every pub quiz you go to.

I'm more into otters, anyway.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:06 (twenty years ago)

I always knew it! N is blokey out of "Ring Of Bright Water" and I claim my £5.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:07 (twenty years ago)

of course they're all common otters after i've finished with them.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:08 (twenty years ago)

What?

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:09 (twenty years ago)

Wotwotwot?

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:11 (twenty years ago)

Incidentally, Stevem - do you work with Flash? (for some reason I seem to think that you do.) Could you possibly give some tech advice to a friend of mine?

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:17 (twenty years ago)

i hardly ever use it these days, but possibly...

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:25 (twenty years ago)

Can I give her your gmail address? She's very nice, runs a French disco.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

can i have her email too?

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:28 (twenty years ago)

Do you know Flash?

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:30 (twenty years ago)

sure.

but really i'm just interested in french disco

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:31 (twenty years ago)

(and nice girls who run them)

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:31 (twenty years ago)

This is not the "Pimp your friends on ILX" thread, Ken. Sorry.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:33 (twenty years ago)

ok give her this gmail address (and/or ken's)

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:34 (twenty years ago)

Have done - thanks.

Ken, if you just want to know about French Disco, you can look at her website:

http://www.thefrenchdisconnection.com/

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:37 (twenty years ago)

as a French Disco fan myself i would like to see that site but Firefox and Adblock have conspired to conceal it, annoyingly.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:39 (twenty years ago)

worked in IE tho. quite interested in this Seb Tellier gig actually...

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:55 (twenty years ago)

Argh! Argh! Argh! I've just realised that it's the same night as Sugar. Oh no, two friends doing things on the same night on opposite sides of town, oh no, argh.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:56 (twenty years ago)

oh no! bitch! i don't like this girl anymore.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:57 (twenty years ago)

I'm going to try to do three things in one night! Quick birthday drink with Rick and Tim! Across to Spitz for a bit of French Disco! Then back to Sugar for last minute dancing! I will be exhausted.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:59 (twenty years ago)

no no no, french disco postponed; no worry

― emsk ( emsk), Monday, 3 October 2005 22:00 (twenty years ago)

Today in the Metro I learnt that Peckham was Britain's number 1 Creative Hotspot and that 'its many clubs, pubs and art's venues are packed'!

― Bidfurd__, Thursday, 6 October 2005 08:34 (twenty years ago)

hurrah!

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 6 October 2005 11:54 (twenty years ago)

xpost

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 6 October 2005 11:54 (twenty years ago)

On page 54 of today's Metro there's photographic proof that Jermain Defoe is preparing to work as lap dancer during forthcoming England games, so sure is he that Sven will go on picking Owen no matter what.

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Thursday, 6 October 2005 11:56 (twenty years ago)

he'd get raped by man u players

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 6 October 2005 12:19 (twenty years ago)

I think it was yesterday's Metro that had an interesting news item about a survey that an insurance company had done of the first names most and least likely to claim on their motor insurance. I think Lee and Natalie featured. I want details but left my Metro on the bus. Can anyone help.

P.S. Nemi was good today.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:15 (twenty years ago)

i do not believe you, re Nemi.

have the readers written in about kids playing mp3s on their phones yet?

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:19 (twenty years ago)

http://www.metro.co.uk/img/pix/nemi_oct20.jpg

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:20 (twenty years ago)

This Life was almost good yesterday.

There was a crash test dummy saying to two crash test dummy children on a sofa: "Guess what? Your father's been in a terrible car accident". If he'd dropped the "Guess What" it might have made me laugh!

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:24 (twenty years ago)

Ha ha, yes, there was a letter this morning complaining about it. Like I pointed out on the other thread.

Ah, French Disco girl. Her boyfriend's brother is HOTT.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:26 (twenty years ago)

rubbish RUBBISH nemi

that this life sounds like a larson cartoon.

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:29 (twenty years ago)

Who will help me with my banal motor insurance survey?

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:29 (twenty years ago)

I miss Nemi, now I no longer get the bus.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:32 (twenty years ago)

You can follow her online!

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:33 (twenty years ago)

But I agree, it's not the same.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 12:33 (twenty years ago)

Nemi is so avant-garde -- no jokes!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 20 October 2005 17:51 (twenty years ago)

I think you are confusing avant-garde with goth. It's easily done.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 October 2005 17:52 (twenty years ago)

one month passes...

PLEASE SOMEONE EXPLAIN TODAY'S "THIS LIFE" CARTOON.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 12:43 (nineteen years ago)

Haha I didn't get it either! I've completely forgotten what it was now though.

― Colonel Poo (Colonel Poo), Friday, 2 December 2005 12:48 (nineteen years ago)

i tht alba lived in glasgow.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 2 December 2005 12:49 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, today's This Life had me confused too. There was a table with a sign saying "Happy Hour", then underneath that there were four other signs saying something like "Happy" "Very Happy" "Extremely Happy" "Anyone's" and each sign seemed to be next to a plate of sweets and the whole thing was in what appeared to be a gents toilets and there was a dodgy looking guy in the background.

― James Ward (jamesmichaelward), Friday, 2 December 2005 12:59 (nineteen years ago)

they're not sweets, they're taps. and i think it's an oblique reference to alcohol and the consumption thereof...somehow.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 2 December 2005 13:23 (nineteen years ago)

b-but how?

(Scottish edition of Metro, Theorry)

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 14:01 (nineteen years ago)

I thought they were sweets too, and why is there a gents sign on the inside of the toilet door?

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 14:03 (nineteen years ago)

(and what the hell is emanating from the cubicle?)

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 14:04 (nineteen years ago)

The 'very happy' one looks like one of those curled up kazoo blow out things. The rest look like sweets.

Maybe the dodgy guy is selling bags of drugs (cunningly disguised as sweets and/or kazoos) in the toilet. Hence the cubicle 'activity'.

Hint to cartoonists: If we don't know what the fuck is going on then it isn't funny.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 2 December 2005 14:17 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, I was wondering about the drugs possiblity. It is my contention that Rick Brookes is not very familiar with drug dealers, their modi operandi or their wares.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 14:24 (nineteen years ago)

If you're trying to do a plural there I think you might need to change the ending of operand- as well.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Friday, 2 December 2005 16:21 (nineteen years ago)

I take that back. Hypercorrection has always been my downfall.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Friday, 2 December 2005 16:32 (nineteen years ago)

Operandi is in the genetive, modifying modus. Modes of operation is modi operandi. To make operandi plural (which I have actually forgotten the Latin ending for, oh no!) would make it modes of operations, which would be odd.

I'm going to have to look it up in my Latin textbook when I get home, because this is going to bother me now.

― Control your ponies, children! (kate), Friday, 2 December 2005 16:41 (nineteen years ago)

Earlier this week Nemi was quoting The Princess Bride for purposes of comedy. That was nice. But possibly not an entirely universal reference point for your average commuter. (It wasn't actually funny, but that is only to be expected.)

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 2 December 2005 19:11 (nineteen years ago)

Nemi was great the other day. Her friend was moaning about her boyfriend leaving all his washing for her to do and Nemi just said to stop moaning cause there was nothing she could do about it now. That when you first meet someone you do all sorts of things for them to show what a nice person you are and then you get into a relationship with them and you have to carry on doing those things because otherwise it looks like you were only doing it to trick them into going out with you before, but it's stopped being fun and they take all those things for granted and that's the way of things. Sigh.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 19:20 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, occasionally Nemi is quite spot on, but rarely funny. That whole digression into a shopping obsession a few weeks ago was arse-clenchingly horrid.

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 2 December 2005 19:57 (nineteen years ago)

ihttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v417/albaalba/ilx/thislife.jpg

If anyone else has any ideas they would be welcome.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 2 December 2005 21:12 (nineteen years ago)

roofies innit

― cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 3 December 2005 16:25 (nineteen years ago)

Alba - did you discover the punchline?

― veebs (thr), Friday, 9 December 2005 20:55 (nineteen years ago)

that is the shittest cartoon in the world. i have no fucking idea, but i will think about it and see if something comes to me, perhaps when i'm paralytically drunk and my brain is reduced to paste.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Friday, 9 December 2005 21:00 (nineteen years ago)

Nemi.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 9 December 2005 21:45 (nineteen years ago)

are they meant to be condoms or something? i don't read metro often, but is "this life" meant to be in some way informed by news stories? if there was some shagging/drinking thing on the day in question, that might ... not explain it, as such, but shed a tiny bit of light.

what is that stuff above the toilet cubicle? jism?

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Friday, 9 December 2005 21:49 (nineteen years ago)

Did this thread, or one of its contributors, or even someone we know who may or may not work for the M3tro, contribute the letter to the letters page last week asking for an explanation of the cartoon? (and has there been an answer, since I have not been commuting the last two days?)

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 9 December 2005 22:03 (nineteen years ago)

i think the person we might or might not know ... no, hang on, that's not it ... we know who might or might not work at the metro should be told to solve the mystery once and for all.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Friday, 9 December 2005 22:54 (nineteen years ago)

Might it be implying that all-day-and-night drinking will lead to more people having sex in pub toilets so condoms (what I think the "sweeties" might be) will be available for those wanting to slip into the gents for a quick shag?

It's still weak as fuck but that's all I can think of. This Life is consistently appalling anyway.

― Venga (Venga), Friday, 9 December 2005 23:05 (nineteen years ago)

ok, so the symbol that tells you "this is the men's bogs" is on the inside just because. it's the only way to make it unambiguous, and putting it in a place it never is in act of desperation by the artist.

so there's someone waiting there, like the attendants in hotels etc. perhaps this is comic element number 1 as it is obviously down at heel, and judging by the cubicle, grafitti and poorly maintained plasterwork, possibly in a regular pub. and we'd think a pub/bar cos we'd associate "happy hour" with such places. As such, a lavatory attendant in this context is a comic conceit.

right, the stuff on the table...

...

erm. could they be condoms? condoms are associated with pub lavs, but the one above "ever so happy" definitely doesn't conform to an iconic cartoon condom shape - but what would at this scale?? - and is def more sweet wrapperish. How does the concept of happy hour map across to sweets (or in desperation, condoms). liquer chocolates? not in wrappers like that. nothing else springs to mind... it has to be condoms or sweets, there are no other cues. they MUST be condoms.

so yes, from the label "anybodys", its implying that people gettting v drunk in pubs/bars leads to toilet cubicle shagging. that's not in itself funny or new. the focus must be the availability of a RANGE of condoms that vary from merely "happy" to the crucial "anybodys".

one thought is that it's target is the euphemismistic "happy" in "happy hour", cos an extreme form of this "happiness" is "helpless to the point of casual sex", ie "look HAPPY actually means PISSED".

but why draw a succession of unidentified items to illustrate this? surely a bar having "Happy Hour" and people from left to right with the same labels, and in increasing cartoony states of pissedness would make this really clear.

now i look at the anybodys sweet it could be a slightly unrolled condom. or a pot of ink. the others

N, would you upload a close up of the table items?

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Friday, 9 December 2005 23:40 (nineteen years ago)

four weeks pass...

I'm afraid I have now discarded the item and so the above is as hi-res as you'll get.

What of today's? It shows two men at a bar. One has orange circles around his eyes and the other is saying: "You're thinking about that girl you slept with aren't you? And how cold her feet were."

Is it about:

1. Top and tailing in bed
2. Date rape
3. Something else

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 6 January 2006 19:00 (nineteen years ago)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v417/albaalba/ilx/thislife2.jpg

Anyone?

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 7 January 2006 12:28 (nineteen years ago)

...someone replaced the original punchline with a completely oblique statement as part of a series of guerilla art infiltrations of mass culture?

― baby i'm waiting (cis), Saturday, 7 January 2006 12:43 (nineteen years ago)

i assume it means he accidentally shagged a dead woman.

i hope i'm wrong.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Saturday, 7 January 2006 12:46 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe she had bad circulation? It is a terrible comic strip.

― jel -- (jel), Saturday, 7 January 2006 12:49 (nineteen years ago)

maybe it was better a long time ago. look, he was nominated for an award.

i think we should write to him, c/o metro in london, and say: "oy, dick, what the FUCK are these cartoons about? you knob." although maybe slightly less aggressively.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Saturday, 7 January 2006 13:10 (nineteen years ago)

i see nothing intrinsically wrong with your wording, gf!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Saturday, 7 January 2006 13:13 (nineteen years ago)

People are already on his back.

I think I might write a polite email, requesting explanations for this and the lavatory one.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 7 January 2006 14:54 (nineteen years ago)

four months pass...

Is that Nemi in Nemi today not looking like Nemi? Have they de-Gothed her or is that another character?

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_060526.jpg

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:13 (nineteen years ago)

Compare:

http://www.metro.co.uk/nemi

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:17 (nineteen years ago)

It's like the sudden de-gothing of Craig in Coronation Street, if true. Yesterday's doesn't exactly have its finger on the pulse of popular culture, does it?

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:19 (nineteen years ago)

THEY'VE MADE HER GREBO

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:25 (nineteen years ago)

oh wait it's another character. i never get to read Metro anymore.

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:26 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe it just takes them a while to translate from Norwegian.
xpost

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:28 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, yeah, other character. She's in this one too. I only ever remember the existence of the blue-haired one.

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:29 (nineteen years ago)

I thought this was going to be about yesterday's story about the 5ft wide blade "for decapitation" which in fact turned out to be a prop seen at Star Trek conventions

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Friday, 26 May 2006 13:58 (nineteen years ago)

I once learned that Guitar Wolf were playing at the Garage that night from METRO, so I forgive them their many faults.

― Colonel Poo (Colonel Poo), Friday, 26 May 2006 14:01 (nineteen years ago)

one month passes...

WTF x2:

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_060719.jpg

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_060718.jpg

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Thursday, 20 July 2006 14:58 (nineteen years ago)

woah this shit be dumbing up!

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Thursday, 20 July 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

the first one needs a fifth box with guy running back yelling "Oh let me taste your acrid tears Fall Out Boy fan!"

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Thursday, 20 July 2006 15:08 (nineteen years ago)

The first one is great! The third frame in the second one looks a bit wonky.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 20 July 2006 15:17 (nineteen years ago)

The second frame has redeemed all the time I spent reading the rest.
http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_060324.jpg

― Rufus 3000 (Mr Noodles), Thursday, 20 July 2006 17:04 (nineteen years ago)

that first nemi strip chriddof posted is GENIUS. the second i almost get, but i think it's lost something in translation and become a little dubious in the process ;)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 20 July 2006 18:26 (nineteen years ago)

Nemi is marginally funnier and less likely to leave you staring blankly at the page if it's read by someone posh in a German accent.

― an eighth polish (an eighth polish), Thursday, 20 July 2006 19:43 (nineteen years ago)

I was going to mention that first Nemi one. Sad.

I didn't realise she was German!

Back to This Life. One from last week. Two men sitting at a beach bar, with a tube marked as sun-tan lotion next to them. Both men look sunburnt. One says to the other:

"The trouble with factor 30 I find is during sex you've got to hang on to each other's ears"

Any takers?

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 July 2006 19:51 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, sorry – Norwegian.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 20 July 2006 19:54 (nineteen years ago)

"The trouble with factor 30 I find is during sex you've got to hang on to each other's ears"

EH?

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 20 July 2006 20:02 (nineteen years ago)

I need to start getting the bus to work again. I miss this stuff.

― ailsa (ailsa), Thursday, 20 July 2006 20:03 (nineteen years ago)

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_060721.jpg

Nemi's friend is going out with a Lemming

― an eighth polish (an eighth polish), Friday, 21 July 2006 19:18 (nineteen years ago)

"The trouble with factor 30 I find is during sex you've got to hang on to each other's ears"

has ANYONE worked this out yet? it's bugging me.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Friday, 21 July 2006 22:18 (nineteen years ago)

The creator of Nemi:

http://nemi.thtn.com/wsimg/lisemyhre.jpg

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Friday, 21 July 2006 22:34 (nineteen years ago)

I think the "hang onto each other's ears" thing means that this guy covers himself almost totally with suncream, and so does his partner, and it is greasy which means they are always a-slippin' and a-slidin' when they "get it on". And the only area which is not covered with suncream are the ears, so they have to hold that.

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Saturday, 22 July 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

vexcelsior

― estela (estela), Saturday, 22 July 2006 23:04 (nineteen years ago)

Dipshits come in all colors and sizes.

― Frida (Frida), Sunday, 23 July 2006 23:48 (nineteen years ago)

Nemi is Lise today!

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:01 (nineteen years ago)

Aye that was a strange one. A "stop bothering me fanboys" message or something, I think.

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_060726.jpg

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:11 (nineteen years ago)

Lise >>>> Nemi

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:18 (nineteen years ago)

As for what I actually learned today MORE THAN ONE IN TEN DRIVERS ARE ON DRUGS. Although reading beyond the headline reveals that the roads have not turned into some kind of crazed rave, and that the statistics in fact state that one in ten drivers may have driven under the influence of drugs at some time in their lives.

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:26 (nineteen years ago)

did anyone see the nemi which was four panels (I think) of a gravestone which ended with nemi bitterly proclaiming that more people will attend our funeral than our birthdays... one of my favourite nemis

― cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:36 (nineteen years ago)

that's rubbish tho. you only have one funeral but numerous birthdays so if you tot it all up etc.

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:39 (nineteen years ago)

unless she literally meant birth day. but still, STUPID NEMI.

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:39 (nineteen years ago)

it depends on who you are

― cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:50 (nineteen years ago)

alright

― Konal Doddz (blueski), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:54 (nineteen years ago)

I wonder what Lise's funeral will be like.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 09:58 (nineteen years ago)

anyway, I looked on the metro site and couldn't find it to my dismay; not only that but I didn't recognise any of the nemis whilst I was scrolling through the back strips... bewildered

― cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 10:02 (nineteen years ago)

Metro's Nemi cartoons - love her or hate her, she always gets a reaction! Each weekday we'll add to our cartoon archive about Metro's feisty Goth girl and her quirky life and friends. Bookmark this page for your daily update of Nemi.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 26 July 2006 10:06 (nineteen years ago)

http://img82.imageshack.us/img82/1091/nemi7st4.gif

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Friday, 28 July 2006 17:40 (nineteen years ago)

one month passes...

Nice placement of the pepsi ad this morning with "zero n.&v.5 the lowest point; a nullity or nonentity" underneath the two page mourning at Ground Zero article.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 09:09 (nineteen years ago)

Ha! Totally didn't spot that one on the bus this morning.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 09:55 (nineteen years ago)

TS: making enormous and potentially hugely costly decision to move high-profile advert booked weeks in advance v possibly offending a small number of people :)

(personally, i try to go for the former wherever possible. but it's not always easy.)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 10:16 (nineteen years ago)

booked weeks in advance

Weeks ago, then, somebody in the Pepsi marketing dept must've thunk "hmmm, 11th September ... familiar date ... can't put my finger on it ... let's place an ad anyway"

― Mädchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 10:34 (nineteen years ago)

"somebody in marketing" in the same sentence as the verb "think"? does not compute.

good point, mind you. good point.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 10:41 (nineteen years ago)

although pepsi seem to have had such beats about the possible offensiveness of the campaign all round that they're probably past caring.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 10:41 (nineteen years ago)

Today's This Life: totally inappropriate oral sex gag.

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 20 September 2006 14:43 (nineteen years ago)

Meant to put a question mark at the end of that because part of me thinks I've not grasped its meaning again.

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 20 September 2006 14:49 (nineteen years ago)

Wait, that Nemi up there was a gag, somebody just changed the lettering, right? Please?

― The Yellow Kid (The Yellow Kid), Sunday, 1 October 2006 07:54 (nineteen years ago)

the URL seems to indicate that's the case, yellow kid; i wondered at that too

― Euai Kapaui (tracerhand), Sunday, 1 October 2006 12:00 (nineteen years ago)

Ah, yeah. That strip was indeed one that had the lettering changed. It's taken from a sort-of competition on the "Cook'd & Bomb'd" board (message board mainly about comedy) to make fun of Nemi. I would post a link to it but the page is members only, annoyingly. Here's one I did:

http://miller.polymathic.net/~meowsy/toons/stupidfuckingcretin.gif

Really weird and graphic novel-length Nemi detournment here:

http://goaste.cx/goaste/nemi001.html

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Friday, 6 October 2006 23:12 (nineteen years ago)

(Important note: that's not a link to goatse, but "GOASTE" instead)

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Friday, 6 October 2006 23:14 (nineteen years ago)

"is that spunk?"

genius! sorry, i'm sniggering so hard mrs fiendish is looking at me like i'm some kind of twat.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Saturday, 7 October 2006 09:23 (nineteen years ago)

Novel length Nemi is up there with http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/ in my new favourite bookmarks these days.

― Sadly, he will be the next Alexis Petridish. (Dom Passantino), Saturday, 7 October 2006 09:50 (nineteen years ago)

Highlight of my week. Thank you

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Sunday, 8 October 2006 12:36 (nineteen years ago)

three weeks pass...

Nemi is a violent English football hooligan wtf

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/061101_nemi.gif

― ONIMO's losing the plot (GerryNemo), Friday, 3 November 2006 11:21 (nineteen years ago)

I thought she was norwegian?

Lodon lite told me that there was outrage over tower hamlets doing a bengali folk tale and a not guy fawkes relating thing (like any other borough actually celebrates anything in particular of november 5th, or bothers putting anything on betond fireworks)

― Ed (dali), Friday, 3 November 2006 11:26 (nineteen years ago)

I hate this fucking keyboard, it is designed for hobbits or some other similarly small fingered race.

― Ed (dali), Friday, 3 November 2006 11:27 (nineteen years ago)

wow london lites actually talked about something that isn't kate moss and/or pete doherty

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 3 November 2006 11:30 (nineteen years ago)

I'd be quite happy to see a Bengali folk tale instead of having wee neds chapping my door, pointing to a teddy bear in a school jumper in a pram and saying "pennyfurriguybigman?"

― ONIMO's losing the plot (GerryNemo), Friday, 3 November 2006 11:32 (nineteen years ago)

nine months pass...

So Janet Rawstrone cannot find 'difficult listening' in her local music store (Metro, Tue). I suggest she takes a look under 'S' for anything by The Smiths.
Philip Beale, Essex

― DJ Mencap, Wednesday, 15 August 2007 11:32 (eighteen years ago)

two months pass...

This Life is baffling me once more. Can anyone explain the ones from the last two days?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v417/albaalba/ilx/thislifeA.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v417/albaalba/ilx/thislifeB.jpg

― Alba, Tuesday, 6 November 2007 21:56 (eighteen years ago)

haha no idea wtf?

― G00blar, Tuesday, 6 November 2007 21:58 (eighteen years ago)

Can anyone help?

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:41 (eighteen years ago)

The little girl is sposed to have a proud face as she tells her parents she's been made condom monitor at school. This has happened as a result of the UK going to hell in a handcart. The parents are suitably baffled by the latest manifestation of a world they didn't create

― DJ Mencap, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:47 (eighteen years ago)

Other one = not a clue

― DJ Mencap, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:47 (eighteen years ago)

The second one is, I think, a comment on kids being more sexually aware in the modern age. Her parents are horrified that their wee girl has just told them she has been appointed Condom Monitor at school.

I can only assume the first one is juxtaposing poor beggars with 'designer' shops. Something about how people will walk by a poor homeless bloke trying to make £1 to spend £50 on a pair of jeans or seomthing?

xpost yes what DJ M said

― onimo, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:47 (eighteen years ago)

what's this i hear about nemi's arse being on display this morning?

(nb: i don't read the thing, and don't intend to go and seek one out just to, y'know, see a cartoon arse.)

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:51 (eighteen years ago)

you just want Alba to scan it in for you.

― ken c, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:55 (eighteen years ago)

Aye, some candid photos, just a bit of fun :)

She had a flower stuck in her arse iirc

― onimo, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:56 (eighteen years ago)

Ah, I get the condom one now. The problem is the parents don't look aghast - the girl looks more confused than they do. So I thought they were initiating a conversation with the question "Condom monitor?".

I heard about Nemi's arse but there must have been a run on them, because there were none on the 66 bus this morning.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:57 (eighteen years ago)

first one: big ish seller wearing gap clothes? is he a big issue seller or is what's depicted the "big issue" (poverty amongst wealth)?

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 11:59 (eighteen years ago)

also, why is a giant rabbit shopping at gap?

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:00 (eighteen years ago)

Rick Brookes has never struck me as a cartoonist fighting social inequality. I think "poverty amongst wealth" is barking up the wrong tree. And Gap is hardly a great signifier of wealth.

Today's Nemi suspiciously absent from http://www.metro.co.uk/nemi

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:02 (eighteen years ago)

Maybe he's saying Gap is a good place to punt Big Issues as you'll get a healthier return on middle class guilt than you'd get from a proper designer shop where wealthy people go.

― onimo, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:07 (eighteen years ago)

he's asking the question why must every moderately successful homeless person be immediately turned into a franchise.

― ken c, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:10 (eighteen years ago)

Maybe the dog's ear is key.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:11 (eighteen years ago)

But why is the dog listening? Also, what's with the blatant camel toe on display?

x-post

― NickB, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:11 (eighteen years ago)

it's the GAP between what he SHOULD be doing (politely selling copies of the big issue) and what he IS doing (smoking fags and drinking booze)

maybe

this assumes right-wing mentality on part of cartoonist

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:26 (eighteen years ago)

I think that's a safe assumption (he used to do the political cartoon in the Evening Standard, didn't he?).

― onimo, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:32 (eighteen years ago)

is the vendor meant to be wearing gap clothes? i pondered that for 0.0002s, then decided life was way too short to spend another second on that cock's shit cartoons.

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:42 (eighteen years ago)

The 'joke' is that the dog has an elastoplast over it's eye where it has been repeatedly jabbed by lazy homeless persons cigarette. The Gap is just background and nowt to do w/it.

Did anyone see the Rick Brookes a few weeks ago where it was two city gents walking along and one was saying "I heard an English accent today"?

I always thought Nemi was genuinely pale but her arse was v pink so she must use makeup.

It's all about Em in the London Paper (London Lite?) these days though innit.

― Raw Patrick, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:44 (eighteen years ago)

her arse was v pink

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:47 (eighteen years ago)

"the dog has an elastoplast over it's eye where it has been repeatedly jabbed by lazy homeless persons cigarette"

that begs soooo many questions

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:51 (eighteen years ago)

you mean its conclusions are incorporated into its premises?

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:57 (eighteen years ago)

The 'joke' is that the dog has an elastoplast over it's eye where it has been repeatedly jabbed by lazy homeless persons cigarette

IN WHICH CASE IT NEEDS TO BE SUBSTANTIALLY BIGGER, BROOKES, YOU USELESS CUNT.

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:01 (eighteen years ago)

The 'joke' is that the dog has an elastoplast over it's eye where it has been repeatedly jabbed by lazy homeless persons cigarette

How does that constitute a joke?

― DJ Mencap, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:05 (eighteen years ago)

OK, now to turn a corner, news-style:

Pop Idol's Rik silenced by pagan wife

Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Star struck: Kelly Bliss and Rik Waller One-time Pop Idol star Rik Waller is calling a halt to his singing career – as a condition of getting married to a pagan.

The famously portly 203kg (32st) celebrity will no longer be performing professionally after deciding to get married to a star-struck fan.

Waller, 26, met pink-haired goth Kelly Bliss last year when she stunned the other ten onlookers at a gig by rushing up and hugging him after his performance.

RELATED ITEMS

Latest news bulletin
Today's top news headlines

Waller, who was once thrown off Celebrity Fit Club for binge eating, said they planned to have a pagan wedding ceremony.

Miss Bliss, 23, agreed – but only if Waller ended his singing career.

'This is definitely the real thing and, although our pagan beliefs mean that ours isn't an engagement in the conventional sense, we have bought rings as a gesture of love and commitment to each other,' said the singer.

Waller, from Gillingham in Kent, made it to the last ten of ITV1's 2002 Pop Idol before withdrawing with severe laryngitis.

He released an album on EMI and had a No.6 single hit with I Will Always Love You.

But in 2004 it was reported that one gig in Devon sold only two tickets.

'I'm getting tired of singing and I can't rely on it for 100 per cent of my income,' he said.

'I've got two people to think about now and talent doesn't always pay the bills

― Mark G, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:06 (eighteen years ago)

It's all about Em in the London Paper (London Lite?) these days though innit.

-- Raw Patrick, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 12:44 (22 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

^^^OTM

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:08 (eighteen years ago)

x-post

grimly OTM!

― Bill A, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:08 (eighteen years ago)

I'm still not getting the joke. Is it that Big Issue sellers are cunts?

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:12 (eighteen years ago)

It's that Rick Brookes is a cunt.

Rik Waller did OK getting that goth I thought.

― Raw Patrick, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:14 (eighteen years ago)

Loving the way the headline and opening paragraph imply that his wife's paganism is the cause of him quitting, but then they just can't be arsed pursuing this ridiculous angle for the remainder of this short piece

― DJ Mencap, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:14 (eighteen years ago)

Rik Waller fell for Kelly because she reminds him of Nemi

― ken c, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:20 (eighteen years ago)

anyone care to ysi nemi's arse?

― czn, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:24 (eighteen years ago)

The pink arse might not necessarily be Nemi's though. Could be blue-haired friend, or some other person at weird party they went to. Wasn't really worth walking around out-patients looking for a copy.

If I get a chance later I'll try to scan it.

― Bocken Social Scene, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:27 (eighteen years ago)

disclaimer: I have already seen it but want a copy for posterity

― czn, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:28 (eighteen years ago)

ba-dump tish

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:29 (eighteen years ago)

I thought it might be Cyan's arse but she's usually pretty sensible.

― Raw Patrick, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 13:29 (eighteen years ago)

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/nemi_1975_600x194.gif

― Bocken Social Scene, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:15 (eighteen years ago)

In the third picture she's definitely thinking about BEES.

― G00blar, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:16 (eighteen years ago)

Cyan's jeans innit. Nemi always wears black trousers.

― onimo, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:17 (eighteen years ago)

Can't be Nemi's arse, she'd never wear blue jeans. xpost damn you!

― ledge, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:19 (eighteen years ago)

It's her blue-haired friend's arse obviously, Nemi is all white.

What the hell is a "condom monitor" supposed to be anyway?

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:23 (eighteen years ago)

Btw, there are a lot of Nemi strips where she's in bed with some bloke, so I don't think that one's particularly risque. There's even one where she bares her boob to distract a guy she's arm-wrestling with.

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:25 (eighteen years ago)

At school, some kids are assigned such jobs that give them a taste of responsibility. "Milk monitor" is the classic one, for the kid in charge of distributing milk to classmates. Condom monitors don't exist, but as explained to me above, Rick Brookes's joke is that these days liberal nonsense means children grow up too young.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:27 (eighteen years ago)

What the hell is a "condom monitor" supposed to be anyway?

Monitors are kind of like the school equivalent of a prison trustee. They are charged with tasks like looking after the canteen queue or giving out free warm milk (until Thatcher took it away). So a Condom Monitor would be kind of like a Milk Monitor that stops the free warm milk from getting anywhere it shouldn't.

― onimo, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:28 (eighteen years ago)

...

― G00blar, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:29 (eighteen years ago)

Thatcher only snatched it from secondary schools, didn't she?

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:30 (eighteen years ago)

No, I remember getting milk, then not getting it, back in the day. (3rd form Juniors)

― Mark G, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:32 (eighteen years ago)

Oh, well I had it at my primary schools and then I'm pretty sure it was still there in 1990 when I did some work as a teaching assistant.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:34 (eighteen years ago)

There's even one where she bares her boob to distract a guy she's arm-wrestling with

~~YSI?~~ well i never.

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:36 (eighteen years ago)

A complete history of milk-snatching - Harold Wilson started it!

My family wasn't low-income but I suppose my school was, so perhaps ILEA doled it out to everyone to avoid embarrassment.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:38 (eighteen years ago)

http://home.comcast.net/~mrbadexample/malk.jpg

― Mark C, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:39 (eighteen years ago)

Sorry - bad link.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/01/05/nmilk105.xml

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:39 (eighteen years ago)

"Each pupil under 18 was entitled to a third of a pint a day."

trying to imagine sixth-formers lining up for their morning glass...

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:43 (eighteen years ago)

Thanks for the monitor explanation, we don't have those here.

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 14:56 (eighteen years ago)

That's because you live in a society that has no respect for authority.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 15:01 (eighteen years ago)

i don't know if many schools have monitors any more. fundamentally, it was always bollocks on two counts:

1) being made a monitor (or, later, a prefect) meant you were the kind of toadying lickspittle who the teachers trusted, and therefore not only were you going to have to live with your craven moral turpitude; you were going to get pelters from your peers. esp if you were the fucking milk monitor: you might as well have worn a badge saying "KICK ME IN THE BOLLOCKS EVERY DAY, SCHOOL BULLY".

(apologies to any erstwhile MMs here.)

2) yet you also had NO REAL POWER AT ALL -- other than, y'know, to hand out some fucking milk.

(bear in mind i went to an antediluvian private school in blackpool that still thought it was the 1950s, and that watching "if ..." changed my life for ever.)

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 15:14 (eighteen years ago)

(i don't think they had milk monitors in "if ...", mind.)

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 15:14 (eighteen years ago)

it's funny cos you'd never have milk in schools now anyway -- politically way too difficult to get done.

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 15:15 (eighteen years ago)

how dare you tell my kid what to ingest blah-blah-blah nanny state gone mad.

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 15:15 (eighteen years ago)

If only they'd had milk monitors in If… things would probably have turned out OK.

― Alba, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 15:55 (eighteen years ago)

1) being made a monitor (or, later, a prefect) meant you were the kind of toadying lickspittle who the teachers trusted

Our prefects were voted by their peers. Only the four head students were picked by the staff.

― Madchen, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 17:45 (eighteen years ago)

Our prefects were voted by their peers

jesus wept. that would have been, er, entertaining at our school.

were you one, madchen?

― grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 7 November 2007 19:22 (eighteen years ago)

Today I learned about a "disease" called Morgellons Disease where people experience crawling, biting, itching sensations and have coloured fibres growing under their skin. This has made me itch all day.

Turns out ILx has a thread about it (whoathunkit): "These people will have like beads of sweat but it's black, black and tarry" : Morgellons disease

Most health pros are treating it with scepticism and think it's a form of Delusional Parasitosis.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgellons includes "Dermatologists say any fibers are from clothing embedded in self-imposed sores, and the fibers patients bring in bags are textile in nature." - so they think people are tearing holes in themselves and filling them with clothing fibres so they can dig them out and show them to dermatologists? That's fucked up.

Website here is worth a look... http://www.morgellonsusa.com/

― onimo, Monday, 12 November 2007 16:58 (seventeen years ago)

Worth a look if you like horrible "websites" with "random" quote marks around "everything" that is :)

― onimo, Monday, 12 November 2007 17:00 (seventeen years ago)

There's another site http://morgellonswatch.com/ that aims to debunk all the stuff on the first site. I can't believe I'm wasting valuable skiving time on an itchy skin web beef.

― onimo, Monday, 12 November 2007 17:09 (seventeen years ago)

There was an article in New Scientist about it the other week. Quite interesting.
Damn, was going to link to it online but it's subscription-only.

― Not the real Village People, Monday, 12 November 2007 18:27 (seventeen years ago)

TWO FACED CAT OMFG

― onimo, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 15:32 (seventeen years ago)

Holy crap that thing is amazing and scary!

― marianna lcl, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 15:46 (seventeen years ago)

suggest posting that picture on the Bob the Kitten thread and cause much upset.

― Upt0eleven, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 15:49 (seventeen years ago)

TWO FACED PIG OMFG

― onimo, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 15:55 (seventeen years ago)

Poor things :(

― NickB, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:01 (seventeen years ago)

Sorry ):(

― NickB, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:01 (seventeen years ago)

Did anyone see This Life this morning? A man pointing a gun out of a window and his wife sitting in a chair saying "What have you got against iPod users?". I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE COUNTED AS "GETTING IT" ON THIS OCCASION OR NOT.

― Alba, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:06 (seventeen years ago)

I mean, I never thought of "not being funny" and "not getting it" as being part of a continuum but perhaps they are.

― Alba, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:07 (seventeen years ago)

Rick Brookes must die.

― Venga, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:20 (seventeen years ago)

We should all create our own Em cartoons.

Badly drawn woman number one: Remember when we were students, we'd listen to Radiohead
Badly drawn woman number two: I am drinking wine
Badly drawn woman number one: Yes you are

― Dom Passantino, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:22 (seventeen years ago)

I think remembering at all times that Brookes is shite is a crucial factor in any attempts at "getting it", if there is an it to get.

When I read it this morning I actually wondered if Alba would get it.

― onimo, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 16:24 (seventeen years ago)

Then there was the one last week set in a Chinese restaurant.

(White) diner to waitress: "Have you got anything that doesn't involve you building more climate-wrecking power stations?"

I think it was not actually set in China, as the diners on all the other tables were white too, and it had an English name scrawled on the wall. Was it supposed to be an anti-Chinese joke or an anti-ethical-consumer joke, do you think?

― Alba, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 18:36 (seventeen years ago)

an anti-joke joke?

― grimly fiendish, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 18:40 (seventeen years ago)

I have learned that human piss smells different than cat piss.

― CaptainLorax, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 22:53 (seventeen years ago)

that two faced pig is gonna have some serious self-esteem issues

― CaptainLorax, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 22:54 (seventeen years ago)

We should all create our own Em cartoons.

Badly drawn woman number one: Remember when we were students, we'd listen to Radiohead
Badly drawn woman number two: I am drinking wine
Badly drawn woman number one: Yes you are

This has to be much more verbose so the sheer amount of text cramming each panel causes the drawings to be rudely forced into the lower third.

― Raw Patrick, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 23:40 (seventeen years ago)

three months pass...

What a waste of oxygen Kelly Osbourne is (Metro, Fri). How ironic that someone with no musical talent is presenting music awards at the Brits and NME awards. Another spoiled brat from a privileged background with no manners at all.
Jimmy Case, Liverpool

― DJ Mencap, Monday, 3 March 2008 10:34 (seventeen years ago)

How ~~ironic~~apt that someone with no musical talent is presenting music awards at the Brits and NME awards

― ken c, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:25 (seventeen years ago)

How ironic that someone with no musical talent is ~~presenting music awards~~ at the ~~Brits and~~ NME ~~awards~~.

― Dingbod Kesterson, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:37 (seventeen years ago)

http://classic.liverpoolway.co.uk/a-zofplayers/a-d/case.jpeg

Jimmy has OPINIONS 4U

― DJ Mencap, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:38 (seventeen years ago)

GODWIN'S!

― Dingbod Kesterson, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:47 (seventeen years ago)

"Think about it. If a photographer takes a whole motor-driven film of someone doing a wave, you will get a Nazi salute at the end of each arm-sweep. All you need is some dickhead at a music paper or whatever to make an issue out it."

― DJ Mencap, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:54 (seventeen years ago)

"Think about it. If a photographer takes ~~a whole motor-driven film of someone doing~~ a wave, you will get a Nazi ~~salute at the end of each arm-sweep. All you need is some~~ dickhead at a music paper ~~or whatever to make an issue out it~~."

― Dingbod Kesterson, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:56 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.mollygood.com/wp/docs/2008/02/dohblood2.jpg
"Tell me about it!"

― Mark G, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:58 (seventeen years ago)

one month passes...

I think this story is made up. I'm not sure how I feel about the caption.

― Alba, Thursday, 10 April 2008 09:54 (seventeen years ago)

"Police in Bologna arrested the victim for possessing a fake watch"?!?!?!

― ledge, Thursday, 10 April 2008 09:57 (seventeen years ago)

As I say...

― Alba, Thursday, 10 April 2008 10:16 (seventeen years ago)

one month passes...

Yesterday I learned (from Nemi) that there is a medical condition that involves vomiting faeces.

― Alba, Thursday, 29 May 2008 07:41 (seventeen years ago)

It's caused by reading Nemi.

― Raw Patrick, Thursday, 29 May 2008 08:22 (seventeen years ago)

LENGTHY UNRELATED POST REMOVED

― chaki, Thursday, 29 May 2008 09:47 (seventeen years ago)

congrats re: hot chick!!

― ken c, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:25 (seventeen years ago)

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/n605_600x194.gif

Hilarious

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:27 (seventeen years ago)

^^^^ hot chick in Chaki's bed, waiting for him to finish on internet.

― Raw Patrick, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:39 (seventeen years ago)

http://lolrider.com/images/nemi.gif

― ken c, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:43 (seventeen years ago)

Nobody who has hot action waiting for them in bed stops at their computer terminal on their way to it to tell the interweb. Just sayin'.

― suzy, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:43 (seventeen years ago)

you obviously have never played bass in an awesome metal show.

― ken c, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:47 (seventeen years ago)

If they're all as confrontational as Alexandra from Big Brother (Metro, Wed), it's no wonder south London youngsters are dropping like flies.
Sean Collingdridge, West Yorkshire

― DJ Mencap, Thursday, 12 June 2008 09:39 (seventeen years ago)

two months pass...

Today's 'This Life Cartoon'

Two black people sit under a sign saying 'EVENING CLASSES Rap music for people who aren't thick' as a white person walks away. !o_O!

― Drinking Island is inside every one of us (Ed), Thursday, 11 September 2008 08:40 (seventeen years ago)

I didn't understand that one. Can someone please explain?

― Our Friend The Atom (Masonic Boom), Thursday, 11 September 2008 09:02 (seventeen years ago)

TI called This Life "fucking shit" in a recently freestyle, it's a subliminal.

― The moment Carrie made cupcakes cool, Thursday, 11 September 2008 09:08 (seventeen years ago)

Ken C please repost your ChakiNemi cartoon please and thank you thx

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 11 September 2008 09:45 (seventeen years ago)

Graham Bates of Leicester believes that "all illegal drugs should be banned". That is a thing I have learned today from the METRO

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Friday, 19 September 2008 10:41 (seventeen years ago)

He's talking nonce sense.

― Neil S, Friday, 19 September 2008 10:56 (seventeen years ago)

Why are they always called Graham as well?

― Marcello Carlin, Friday, 19 September 2008 11:05 (seventeen years ago)

"Good news at last: petrol drops by 3p per litre"

I'm reporting them to the Press Council Commission Council. They're not supposed to give opinions, except in the letters they write for the letters page.

― Marcello Carlin, Friday, 19 September 2008 11:07 (seventeen years ago)

Today the Metro informed me that Will Smith is not, in fact, a Scientologist.

― chap, Friday, 19 September 2008 14:57 (seventeen years ago)

The 'Star Date' section, that professes to matchmake celebrity odd couples, has paired Boy George and George Michael today as they are both "raving mincers"

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Friday, 26 September 2008 09:49 (seventeen years ago)

two months pass...

Congrats to the Metro for somehow coming up with an even worse redesign than the Independent.

― Peter "One Dart" Manley (The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics), Tuesday, 2 December 2008 12:28 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

Is it me or are policemen getting younger every day?
Toby, Hampshire

― I'm Throwing Small Arms Around Powys (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 28 January 2009 10:16 (sixteen years ago)

Alzheimer's is no joke, son.

― Theo Wankcott (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 28 January 2009 10:20 (sixteen years ago)

Yesterday I learned that there's a big trend for people paying people to bundle them into the back of vans and but them through a pretend kidnapping ordeal. I didn't really understand what for, but it seemed to be evidence of the country going to the dogs.

― Alba, Thursday, 5 February 2009 13:32 (sixteen years ago)

"put them", not "but them"

― Alba, Thursday, 5 February 2009 13:33 (sixteen years ago)

A friend of a friend went on a stag-do to Slovakia where it was arranged with the actual Police that the groom would be kidnapped at gunpoint and held for a couple of hours. Broken bones for no extra money.

― chord simple (j.o.n.a), Thursday, 5 February 2009 14:12 (sixteen years ago)

i learnt from the metro today that TOM EWING of POP CULTURAL BLOG freaky trigger has been reviewing every single no 1 single ever

― o_O (ken c), Monday, 9 February 2009 11:52 (sixteen years ago)

i also learnt that so far he has failed as he is still apparently 25 years behind.

― o_O (ken c), Monday, 9 February 2009 11:53 (sixteen years ago)

but none of the married ones (xp)

― Bernard Braden Misreads Stephen Leacock (Marcello Carlin), Monday, 9 February 2009 11:53 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7942017.stm

― FREE DOM AND ETHAN (special guest stars mark bronson), Monday, 16 March 2009 14:43 (sixteen years ago)

According to this research, called Urban Life, these people are "young and cool", "cash-rich and time-poor" and "love city-dwelling". They are also sensitive to trends, love their brands and are media-literate.

disgusting savages

― FREE DOM AND ETHAN (special guest stars mark bronson), Monday, 16 March 2009 14:45 (sixteen years ago)

Fashion spend: £55 a week

waht

― Hard House SugBanton (blueski), Monday, 16 March 2009 14:57 (sixteen years ago)

I spend that on cravats alone.

― Dom Cry For Me, Passantino (NickB), Monday, 16 March 2009 15:00 (sixteen years ago)

at least buy some underpants

― Hard House SugBanton (blueski), Monday, 16 March 2009 15:02 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

There is a dating service called Obama Singles Dating. Spotted in the classifieds. How odd.

― Alba, Tuesday, 12 May 2009 18:05 (sixteen years ago)

four years pass...

http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/clarification.jpg

― when I was Ted Croker man I couldn't picture this (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 30 October 2013 13:27 (twelve years ago)

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