What is Noel Edmonds like when you meet him?

I was told this story about sixty years ago so not sure on its credibility.

Actually, maybe it was Mike Read. My memory is shit.

Lamacq also recalled bumping in to Peel at Glastonbury one year: "I said to him 'How's it going?' and he said 'Quite eventful. I've just shaken hands with someone dressed as a turd. I've never shaken hands with a turd before - unless you count Noel Edmonds.'"

months later wurzel opened the local Linbar and noel tidybeard was forgotten.

That said, I wish they'd bring back Noel's Christmas Presents - Noel bringing christmas joy to the bewildered and the shattered was the highlight of christmas day in my house.

Garry Malley, aged 9, was the only person killed in the accident at an event for 350 children with special needs at Glamis Castle, in Angus, on 13 July last year.

350 children is far too many for a helicopter, what did they expect

iirc Matt Bianco were asked "Why are you so shit?"

My favourite Saturday morning clanger was Slash being asked on kids tv what his most embarrassing moment was and he said "Listen, I DID NOT GET A BLOW JOB IN AN ELEVATOR!"

Edmonds refuses to pay licence fee, world cares

Hardcore, he's hardcore.

BBC does have to take responsibility for the time they let that light entertainment dude engineer a stunt that led to a man dying in a bungee jump accident, so I'm taking Noel's side here.

Noel for PM etc.

Lock him up, throw away the key, now's our chance.

I'm so incensed by the idea that I'm guilty of something

come on now broken britain, it is utterly ludicrous, the very idea that Noel Edmonds could be guilty of something is reason enough for him be guilty of something guilt free.

EDMONDS: I'LL SMOKE SICK WALCOTT CRACK TIL I TURN BLUE

ED: BED HEAD DEAD LEAD

NOEL: I'LL ROON TRAGIC WAYNE

EDMONDSY:WAYNE IN SPAIN FALLS MAINLY IN PENALTY BOX

OH MY GOD HE'S THE NEW JEREMY CLARKSON

PROTECTOR OF ENGLISH CIVIL LIBERTIES AND *COMMON SENSE*

THE SUN SEZ WE BACK BRAVE NOEL IN FIGHT AGAINST PC THUGS AT AUNTIE

Mr Blobby War on Immigrants

“We can all go down the pub and go, ‘Oh it’s terrible, all these immigrants.’ But what are we going to do in Britain to change this toxic culture if we don’t say, ‘Enough is enough.’

“If I was Prime Minister for a day the first thing I would do would be to close the border.
“Ridiculous green taxes are just another way of prising money off people. “The best thing that could happen to this country is that if at the next election no one voted. We have to put the power back with the people.”

“I find it extraordinary that we live in millions of little prisons called our homes, with burglar alarms, when a relatively small number of people walk around free.

“If someone’s caught with a knife they need to get off the street straight away. We need to build bigger prisons.”

The comments are also fun.

Noel Edmonds hit out at politicians over what he called "broken Britain" today as he unveiled a new show to "name and shame" the greedy and ungenerous.

The Deal Or No Deal host, who cited the spate of teenage stabbings as an example of what has gone wrong in society, said it was time for the public to take matters into their own hands.

He also declared speed cameras, extreme levels of political correctness, and the congestion charge as "components of what's wrong with the country".

So, stabbing bad, driving at pedestrian-endangering speeds whilst shouting racist abuse out of the window good?

mother fuck. what an irredeemable cocksucker.

if i ever meet noel edmonds, he's going to have a bruised pair of testicles very shortly afterwards.

Followed by being named and shamed on his show.

my issue is with this irish folks, they them selves have forgorting how poor they used to be, unemployement at the highest and they whole country had to immigrate out to the us and the lot. all of a sudden wealth hit them and theyve forgorting there past and think they shud have a say when it comes to immigration issue.

pinefox really should stop trolling the News of the World website.

He also declared speed cameras, extreme levels of political correctness, and the congestion charge as "components of what's wrong with the country".

Says a bloke who makes his living off other people opening briefcases for half an hour.

Noel, who spends much of his time at his home in France

PC brigade... if you truly care about the sorry state of our beloved country... Wind Your Neck In & SHUT UP!!!

FEATURE REQUEST: Make a board called I Love The Daily Mail and fill it with this thread.

Perhaps C4 will follow the sterling example of the BBC apropos Robert Kilroy-Silk and cancel Edmonds' contract.

Perhaps pigs will fly. Maybe we should chuck him off the top of the Telecom Tower and test the veracity of that theory.

Noel does seem to be veering towards Kilroy-Silk levels of sectionability tho.

Is Veritas or whatever Kilroy's rubbish political party were called still going? No doubt they'll be keen on engaging Noel's services if they are.

In truth it's going to be a Tom Conti scenario innit - photo op with the cops/bailiffs re. the licence fee (and quietly paying up shortly beforehand), Top Star Says Yes To Boris/Cameron thereafter.

Armed siege after he takes Deal or No Deal contestants hostage 2 months after that.

TBH if this means they remove the DoND triv game from all pub quiz machines then that'll be a positive. That shit is tired.

^^^realest of talk. Just add Pints Win Prizes and £1 Scrabble to the itboxes and I can die a happy man.

Fab idea for a new gameshow: Pets Win Noel. The genial bearded Nazi is placed in a blob-filled playpen and contestants field their cobras, lions and Alsatians to see who can claim the UK television personality and alleged double killer for their own.

"Well, just shoot 'im. I mean, people like me we're supposed to be rascals. But it's your Edmonds, your Hungerford guy, all so-called nice people."

Fab idea for a new gameshow: Noel Falls From a Cliff. The genial bearded Nazi falls from a cliff.

It's all very well for us so-called PC liberal thugs to sneer but Edmonds has a new show on Sky One so he's reaching an audience of over 2000 people who're wondering what time The Simpsons is on.

Sadly, Sir Cliff is otherwise engaged so he might have to make do with genial snooker giant Cliff Thorburn.

(xp)

lol Noodle

another idea for a new gameshow: noel's multicoloured cock shot. contestants spend two hours on a saturday morning firing a BB gun at noel's groin, causing many different hues of bruise. and maybe even making it look like a curiously undersized, flaccid mr blobby.

(my obsession with noel edmond's crotch is disturbing even me.)

Dean Gaffney's First Noel - part of Channel 4's exciting new Weekday Late Night Porn season.

Some of the posts upthread from c 2 years ago are incredibly funny!

There's no point meeting him now he's got short hair and no longer resembles a lion.
― PJ Miller (PJ Miller 68), Monday, 10 April 2006

astonishing !! I'm still laughing!

He's gone all Hughie Green on us. Marcello can explain.

The legendary (and still unavailable on YouTube, although it definitely still exists) tirade which the late Opportunity Knocks presenter appended to the end of a standard edition of the show in early 1977 in which he exhorted Britain to wake up, rid itself of the shackles of striking unions (and incompetent managers, for perfunctory balance) and the EEC since it faced a crisis equal to that of 1939, as heightened by the presence of numerous uniformed Army, Navy and RAF personnel in the presentation of the number. The words to "Stand Up And Be Counted" - for that was what the "song" was entitled - also appeared in subtitles. A single of the number was also recorded and released. Essentially it was a case of mad old man wanting to bring on fascism, as evinced by the supposed secret discussions Green had with various shady far right characters of the time apropos a military coup.

How long before the Beeb commissions a sensitive drama about Noel Edmonds complete as much sex as they can shoehorn in?

Naughty Noel Edmonds has been picking up female contestants from his TV quiz Deal Or No Deal.

The 57-year old has dated at least three girls after flirting with them on the hit show.

He took Kelly Napper, 27, on a weekend away after sending her a card asking for a date during filming.

Cheeky Noel wrote his phone number - then apparently scribbled: Deal or no deal?

Kelly - who won £125,000 on the show – tells The Daily Mirror: 'He flirted with me from the start. I could tell he fancied me. But I obviously wasn't the first to catch his eye.'

Kelly's right. Dawn Gibbons, 38, won £20,000 on Deal Or No Deal and also went to dinner with Noel. She says: 'He is a true gent. I've only got good things to say about him.'

A spokesman for Noel says: 'His fling with Kelly had been innocent romantic fun. Noel is a single man and enjoys good company.'

Robson Green portrays the disgraced former Swap Shop host. Special guest star: Russell Brand as Michael Lush.

So much for a the BBC Drama dept. to sink their teeth into, let's not forget that poor bastard who died on one of Noel's shows - and, no I'm not referring to John Peel's spot on Noel's first early evening series

Michael Lush, for it was he.

Maybe they should get Stuart Maconie for the role, remembering how he died weekly with his spot on Naked City.

http://www.last.fm/music/Harvey+Williams/_/The+Stunt-Man

On November 13, 1986, self-employed hod carrier Michael Lush was killed during his first rehearsal for another live stunt. The stunt, called "Hang 'em High", involved bungee jumping from an exploding box suspended from a 120ft-high crane. The carabiner clip attaching his bungee rope to the crane sprang loose from its eyebolt during the jump. He died instantly of multiple injuries, and the Breakfast Show was scrapped on 15 November after Edmonds resigned.
Although the inquest recorded a verdict of misadventure, the jury were informed of several failures on the part of the BBC. Graham Games of the Health and Safety Executive stated that the clip could have been opened by the weight of a bag of sugar, and demonstrated that the clip sprang loose 14 times in 20. David Kirke, a bungee specialist from the Dangerous Sports Club, stated that a similar stunt he had been involved with used three ropes, as opposed to the one rope used by the BBC, and shackles in the place of carabiner clips.[7] There was no safety officer on hand, and no supervision or demonstration from a trained stuntman. There was also no way for Lush to contact the ground once he was in the air, and nobody in the air with him in case he changed his mind; the jury heard that he delayed for almost two minutes before finally being instructed to make the jump. Furthermore, despite advice against it, the BBC production team had insisted on the use of an elasticated bungee rope.
The BBC made an ex gratia payment of approximately £120,000 to Lush's family. While the coroner recommended that safety officers be available during any such future stunts, BBC managing director Bill Cotton stated that there would be no future programmes that exposed members of the public to risk.[8] After the inquest, Noel Edmonds was quoted as saying "If I was to continue my career at the BBC I would want to be fully confident about any production team I was provided with."[9] He returned to the BBC's Saturday night lineup two years later, presenting Noel's Saturday Roadshow.

There was also no way for Lush to contact the ground once he was in the air

unfortunate wording.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a375935/noel-edmonds-on-meeting-kill-noel-edmonds-group-creator-video.html?utm_source=twt&utm_medium=snets&utm_campaign=twitter

Ah, so that's how you get to meet him.

I bet if you set up a Meet Noel Edmonds group, you wouldn't hear a peep out of him. Threaten him with death and he'll come knocking at your door. Funny old world innit?

what about if you set up a Facebook group asking god to kill him, is that still a threat?

I had this weird thought the other day. I'd always dismissed the idea of a god watching over all our movements, carefully micromanaging things like a boss that can't let go, measuring the worth of our actions and alloting commensurate reward or punishment to each and everyone. Okay, it would work with just Adam and Eve and a few of their offspring, but now, with a world population in the billions, such a god would just never have the time to do all this surely. And then I realised that what if Facebook was a part of his plan? He could just friend us all and then read all our updates. Suddenly with this one technological development he has a doable job. I therefore suggest that if you started a Facebook group asking god to kill Noel Edmonds, he would see your message and verily smite him down.

I think you're getting God confused with Santa here. It's an easy mistake to make though, both have a large white beard, both reward the good and punish the bad. Both know if you're sleeping or if you're awake. Both hate Mr. Blobby. Pretty sure there's something in the Bible about that, and also sure I once heard Santa quoted as saying "Ho ho ho! Fuck that bloated purple and yellow gobshite!". He also said something about hating Mr. Blobby as well IIRC.

lol
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26628383

that'll be ooh £100bn from you and your "investors" please Noel

https://twitter.com/NoelEdmonds/status/740067385592434688

swiss made, must be good

The iMRS’ whole body mat employs technology that delivers a frequency range from 0.5 Hz to 28 Hz, including harmonics, to the human body that allows all cells to resonate with their own frequency. Engineered with three pairs of copper coils that create a triple saw tooth waveform signal, the mat ensures the body receives a clean and pure signal. The innovative solution is painless, non-evasive and keeps all 70 trillion cells in your body charged at an optimal level, allowing them to maximize oxygen, water and nutrient transfer as well as eliminate waste.

http://www.freshtone.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/icp-magic.jpg

save yourself the expense and just walk under a pylon for 10 mins, innit?

naw, the electron polarity under pylons can be twisted by proximity to ley lines so if you find yourself under the wrong one you'll get soul cancer instantly

Yep tackles cancer!

what sort of tackle are we talking about? n'golo kante or james maclean?

shepherds cancer over the dead ball line

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CtB4B5OXEAA4pC7.jpg

http://noel.world/noel-news/hacked-again/

No matter how often I change my phones every time they’re switched on I’m assaulted by a swathe of the most disgusting material. Frankly I don’t believe that all these Eastern European ladies really do want to- f**k me till my b***s ache- an activity that seems more appropriate for the serial womaniser HORTY NOSORIO

security flaw could allow hackers to...

please tell me it's really him

It is really him, and he's been going batshit on Lloyds on youtube and his personal radio station:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS0sHcWUvq0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6eikrphhptexvsq/noel%27s%20madness.mp3?dl=0

Last link created from the hours of looped content on his Positivity station (including. at the end, Noel's version of Paul Hardcastle's 19 called "Banksters"). My dropbox link, all credit to og recorder.

Actually, here is just "Banksters"

https://www.dropbox.com/s/t2mn83nbsetxcho/Positively%20Noel%20-%20Banksters.mp3?dl=0

But do treat yourself and listen to all of it.

Since he switched from goatee to full beard, I find it really difficult to look at him, like he's become an uncanny valley version of himself

ts: pranksters v banksters

what the hell is wrong with noel's brain anyhow

Didn't realise Noely had actually made a video for Banksters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_NaBjvbdKk&t=76s

inching ever-closer to the date prophesied for him in brass eye

clive anderson better stay alert

fate, not date obv

guessing he's probably been full Icke for years but as long as the money was rolling in he kept a fake benevolent lid on it

https://media.giphy.com/media/HaCGRxArACAWQ/giphy.gif

http://digitalspyuk.cdnds.net/17/18/320x320/gallery-1493751918-blobby.gif

Mr Edmonds’ lawyer, Jonathan Coad, of Keystone Law

A simple box that slows ageing, reduces pain, lifts depression and stress and tackles cancer . Yep tackles cancer! pic.twitter.com/krL9sXlpby

— Noel Ernest Edmonds (@NoelEdmonds) June 7, 2016

I've seen someone who also stans for this Intelligent Wellness device, quoting from a book called Hitler Was a British Agent.

remember that guy that was jailed for selling 'bomb detectors' to the iraqis, and they turned out to be basically empty boxes with just a couple of loose wires inside

aye, made in a garden shed in Dunstable.

i do remember that

can't see what relevance it has to this obviously real and very effective device tho

I don't need two grand worth of magnetic fields to stay healthy, pah what nonsense. I draw symbols on my hands and utilise cosmic ordering by wishing for good health.

also just get a megger‑meter for cheaper. Nowt like megging yourself with a 500v pulse of electromotive force, reet fucking laugh!

http://viz.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/008_03312014_20-26.png

You'd think he could have bought his old mate Cheggers one of those Intelligent Wellnness boxes.

maybe he did, and that's why cheggers is no longer with us

powerful partridge vibes

From "The Multi-Coloured Noel Edmonds Annual" (1979): Noel Edmonds on the first moon landing pic.twitter.com/1RSsTxL7bl

— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) September 9, 2018

Noel Edmonds has commissioned a sculpture to symbolise his legal battle against Lloyds bank. pic.twitter.com/m7web4Uugr

— Accidental Partridge (@AccidentalP) October 4, 2024

Not a good "Accidental Partridge" submission, even Alan would never be that messianic.

I like to think these "corrupt bankers" that fucked over Noel Edmonds enjoyed every minute of it and don't regret a thing.