BEHOLD... THE ATHEIST'S NIGHTMARE

WE'RE THE FUNGUS, MAN. WE'RE the fungus.

I think I know what RJG means about mangos. There's something recalcitrant about them.

xpost perhaps they are agents of Satan because they are so delicious?

xpost hahaha.

Sometimes I will pull the tab on a banana and the thing just bends backwards. So I keep pulling, and a seam pops open on the opposite side, and when I finally get in there it's mush city. On those days I say, "God is truly dead."

xpost yes that happens to me quite regularly, the mush banana thing.

- mike hanley

it's just the right shape for the human mouth!

completely otm

He comes, as he always does, in disguise. He never appears with horns and hoof and a tail, announcing that he is Satan. If he came that way, everyone would reject him. No one wants to be evil, in that defiant open sense. But the devil appears in disguise as he does here, as an angel of light, appearing not to be bad but good, a shining being of wholesome character and benevolent purpose.

Let us move on to consider the strategy which the Tempter employs. This is most instructive because it is exactly the strategy he employs when he appears as an angel of light to us -- not that we shall see visions of shining beings but the personality that he exemplifies, the character in which he appears, is the same now as then. He is an angel of light. Scripture makes clear that the Devil can also appear as a roaring lion, i.e., he can strike in tragedy, in sickness, in physical evil, as he did to Job or to the Apostle Paul with his thorn in the flesh which Paul called the messenger of Satan. He can appear as a lion too, and strike fear into our hearts. But his most effective strategy is to appear as someone good, someone very attractive, something or someone who appeals to us as an angel of light. When he appears as such his strategy is always the same.

This is an encouraging thing. If you learn how to recognize the strategy of the Devil, you will find that he invariably employs the same tactics. There is a sense in which he is very limited. He doesn't vary his tactics widely. Sometimes we feel as if we shall never learn how to anticipate the Devil. But we can learn. The Apostle Paul said that he was not ignorant of the Devil's devices (2 Corinthians 2:11 KJV). If we learn how he works, we can easily learn to detect him in our lives.

UNGODLY.

(fucking hell!) salt grapefruits

Don't knock it until you've tried it. Just a little dash of salt really makes for a nice effect.

Coconut!

HORNED MELONS!

God is so great

It's a cinch!

they're called flavor enhancers because they enhance the flavor. this is bad how?

GET THEE BEHIND ME!

do you never use salt? god made salt to make foods taste better and now you're forsaking him?

lookit how the little crystals fit perfectly in the shaker. notice how the slow release of salt from the shaker allows you to regulate the amount of salt - until it's the perfect amount for your palette!

why won't you let god love you?

I don’t even know how to cut it. Its big and purple and smooth. It made me smile when I got it. Its like a cartoon vegetable.

http://www.1christianbooksmusicandmore.com/veggietalegroup.jpg

AAAAAAND we're back to God! :D

Also if you accept his elegant "three grooves + two grooves = matches the human hand" theory (which I can't really follow, since the hand actually has four grooves up top), then you'll notice that the banana doesn't actually bend toward the mouth, and kinda actually bends up toward the right shoulder, unless you're the kind of freak who is careful to always eat bananas with his wrist cocked and second knuckles pointing straight forward.

Also what with Christians being so obsessed with procreative acts you'd think they'd notice that Fruit Wants to Be Eaten (and, if they were Catholic, figure out what to do about the way they're turning the seed-dispersal of trees into a non-procreative act by shitting in toilets all the time, indeed using their toilets as a kind of plant contraceptive, meaning they should probably follow all fruit intake with a period of shitting only on fertile soil).

NB I never dreamed I'd see a Creationist eating a banana in our whole second go-round to the Monkey Trial.

ah fuggit.

i couldn't tell if they were joking or not.

The Banana: The Christian's Nightmare

We all know that sex is as pleasurable as it is functional. Our species wants to live on, and procreation (through the act of sex) accomplishes that goal. But as we also all know, sex feels good--and we do it more often for pleasure than for procreation. And while it takes two to tango, it only takes one to feel good sexually. Of course, it's not nearly as fun going solo, but it certainly does do the trick.

Modern technology and advances in the manufacture of synthetics and small battery operated vibrating devices have given women in need of "something special" all sorts of wonderful sex toys to do the job when no man is available. Ask any woman over the age of 30 (who isn't shy or a prude) and you'll hear a testament to the merits of dildos and vibrators.

But the technology that has given women these toys of pleasure has not always existed. What did women do before the advent of these modern sexual conveniences? What did Eve, Ruth, Ester, and all their biblical sisters do back then?

God gave women sex organs through which sexual pleasure may be derived. If we were designed, as Christians argue, then god certainly wanted women to have pleasure because he gave them all the parts that provide it. And as god is all-knowing, he certainly knew long before each one of us were even born, that there would often be times throughout our lives where those strong sexual urges would drive us mad because we had no available partner to take care of business.

So being the all-knowing, all-powerful, kind, and loving god that our designer and creator is, he gave women the banana. And anyone with only an ounce of common sense and even the most clouded power of perception can see the brilliance of god's perfect design of this particular fruit.

The banana...

is perfectly shaped to fit the human hand.
has a point at its top for ease of entry.
is curved towards the vagina to make the penetration process easy.
has a tab at the bottom to hold and control the motion of the banana when completely inserted.
just like the human penis, it is perfectly shaped for the human vagina.
if held so that its curve is pointed upward after insertion, it hits the G-Spot perfectly!
has a soft wrapper so that the delicate lining of the vagina isn't scraped.
has a non-slip surface so that you won't lose control of the device while enjoying the ride. (Women, how much do you like it when your man's penis keeps slipping out?)
has outward indicators of inward content. Green bananas are the hardest, which women seem to prefer, and are required to attain the best penetration. Yellow lets you know that it's getting softer and may not be useful for much longer. Black lets you know that it's a far too late to be put in your vagina. (How many women want a limp, mushy penis anyway?) Keep in mind that these color codes also indicate if the banana is suitable for eating. Just like a vigorous weight training workout, overuse of the banana for sexual gratification will deplete the body of energy, as well as cause muscle cramps. Ever get a leg (or other body part) cramp during or after sex? You sweat, lose body fluids, and get dehydrated. Ask anyone with knowledge of human physiology and nutrition and you'll learn quickly that the banana is the perfect recovery food!
has a protective covering to prevent vaginal matter (or fecal matter, in the case of god's homosexual children) from spoiling the fruit inside.
has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
is perforated on its wrapper for easy peeling.
has a bio-degradable wrapper for post-coital disposal.
is pleasing to taste buds as well as the vagina.
has a high potassium content, which quickly alleviates muscle cramps.
has a high caloric and carbohydrate content to refuel the body after sexual exertion.

To say that the banana's perfect design for sexual gratification just happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.

A little salt on a cantaloupe tastes pretty good.

Which "fits" the vagina better: the tongue or the penis?

He really does! But that would be crediting him with more intelligence than he's displayed thus far.

The significance of the pomegranate in scripture should not be underestimated. It is said (not by me!) that a pomegranate has 613 seeds, representing the 613 commandments given in the Bible.

Exodus: "The gold bells and the pomegranates are to alternate around the hem of the robe."

Numbers: "Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? It has no grain or figs, grapevines or pomegranates. And there is no water to drink!"

Deuteronomy: "a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey;"

Samuel: "Saul was staying on the outskirts of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree in Migron"

Kings: "He made pomegranates in two rows encircling each network to decorate the capitals on top of the pillars."

The Song of Solomon mentions them repeatedly, including the classic pick-up line "Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate."

The word banana does not appear in the Bible.

I'd never heard that before.

The main problem with the refrigeration of bananas is that the lower temperature doesn't actually do all that much to retard their ripening.And, should you keep them in a fridge with other fruit, they release an enzyme into the air that hastens the ripening of anything kept with them.
Which is actually fairly handy if you ever want to force ripen anything...like mangoes, for instance.

Lower temperatures actually help bananas turn brown faster, though the ripening process isn't as good because it's expedited (ie it doesn't taste proper sweet like a banana ripened on a countertop)

But, haha! Surely this proves that Man did not decend from Ape.

Fantastic thread, by the way.

Pow!

Whammo!

Rather that than some unfathomable and arbitrary Creator-God's bitch.

So with the cheese sandwich insanity, and the confusion about the message of Christianity, I could sympathize with my atheist friend in the airport. When he professed atheism it gave me the opportunity to humbly cite my atheist credentials. I said, "I wrote a book called God Doesn't Believe in Atheists: Proof the Atheist Doesn't Exist." Then I told him that I was a platform speaker at the American Atheists' national convention in 2001. I offered, "It's really easy to prove God's existence." He replied, "It's not healthy for me to talk about God." I said that I could understand that, and added, "But you are a reasonable and open-minded person, so you can listen to me for two minutes."

http://www.christiananswers.net/evangelism/raycomfort70.gif

http://www.taipeitimes.com/images/2001/11/21/20011120161757.jpeg

If God loved or cared for me, He'd at least help, wouldn't He? But no help has come! Why? God doesn't love me!

No wonder Blair has aged so fast.

http://www.christiananswers.net/q-grace/hell.html

Is there an actual place called "Hell"?

The answer to this question rests in the authority of the Scripture, because the Bible certainly teaches us of a very real and very terrible place of punishment for those who keep Christ out of their lives.

It's very sad to me that we so often hear people speak of Hell lightly. To many it is something to be joked about, or a curse word used casually.

The fact of the reality of Hell is taught throughout the Bible in innumerable passages. The Lord Jesus Christ Himself probably had more to say about it than anyone else. He was a teacher with the most impressive credentials--a sinless life, a miraculous ministry, and an empty tomb that could not hold Him.

Christ is often spoken of as "Gentle Jesus, meek and mild," but that label hardly fits with the language we find in Mark chapter nine as He affirms the fact and reality of Hell. We read these strong statements:

And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
-Mark 9:43-48

In another passage Christ calls the Scribes and Pharisees a "generation of vipers," and warns them, "How will you escape the damnation of Hell?" (Matt. 23:33) Those are pretty strong words from the Lord Jesus. He laid it on the line. He told it like it is.

When someone questions the fact and reality of Hell, he's actually questioning the authority of the Bible, and the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. The Christian faith is all tied up together, and when it is attacked at one point, it becomes vulnerable at all. It holds together beautifully.

If Christ is the Son of God, and if He came into time from eternity, and came into the world from Heaven and died and rose again from the dead, then anything He ever said on any subject is worth hearing and ought to be heeded. And is really to be received without question. So people who have problems with the fact and reality of Hell sometimes do not realize that their real problem is with the person of the Lord Jesus Christ and who He is and why He came to the world.

pretty much!

Kerpow!

When will these guys stop going on about that Sagan quote? Jesus.

hmmm i think there's another law of thermodynamics they may be interested in reading about

http://www.christiananswers.net/q-grace/down.jpg

Check out the maths-veg: the almighty romanesque.

I can't do the photo thing, or the hyper link thing, so it's copy-paste-city for you lot...

Ok, that just makes no sense whatsoever.

I know ridiculing fundamentalist christians is like shooting whales in a breadbin, but I can't help it, they piss me the fuck off.

http://www.christiananswers.net/dinosaurs/video.html

More proof that monkeys know how to eat bananas best. The bruised parts (not, you understand, the black parts that are obviouly rotting) are sweeter. At least, they are in my experiments with bananas, which may be unscientific, but are extremely numerous.

I err on the side of atheism.

The lord works etc.

In fact, it would be more grippable if it were just cylindrical. The ridges are entirely unnecessary, judging just by my hand.

I bet thousands of farmers and botanists are spinning in their graves.

It does sometimes amuse me that many of the arguments that christians and atheists use against each other are based on tremendously outdated. Do people really believe that the universe is eternal anymore? I thought it was all going to turn into a big soup of randomness in ten to the ten to the something or other years' time?

http://www.christiananswers.net/q-grace/down.jpg

REAL bananas have big seeds, are much smaller and less sweet.

This guy also seems to think that god hates the left-handed...

the existence of any deity cannot be proven or disproven.

However, this man has made a completely invalid and unresearched argument.

The word banana does not appear in the Bible.
hahaha

Religion is crap, man.

but back to the subject at hand.

" he can strike in tragedy, in sickness, in physical evil, as he did to Job "
Um....god did that.

And Satan isn't the devil. It's an angelic being known as 'the opponant.' God's own court appointed Defense attourny or DA, depending on the situation.
There;s no devil in the bible. I know, I've read most of it(most because half those books are useless of theological study).
"But what about the snake!"
It was A TALKING SNAKE. Nothing more is stated. Why else would there be some long passage about snakes attacking people and vice-versa?
"It's a metaphor" shut up, christian weirdo. There are no metaphors in the bible, only allegory, and even then it's usually explained or told by a character.
"The serpant was the most clever of god's creatures."
IT"S A SNAKE. The weird thing is that SOMEHOW people for hundreds of years(ie, before someone came to the Jews and RE TAUGHT them their OWN religion...) just accepted that snakes were both malicious and smarter than people...

(well i hope its drool)

And GZeus, Tuomas's comment was because you omited the "n" from Shintoist.

Technically, God gave Satan the power to do it, to prove Satan wrong about Job.

Ever heard God's response to Job's litany of complaints? It's rather funny. I bet he would say the same thing to you if you pulled your complaining shit.

-- The GZeus (gzeusmant...) (webmail), Today 10:12 PM. (The GZeus) (link)

I don't think Tuomas was ridiculing you; he was just making a little throwaway crack. It's ILE, brotha. :D

-- latebloomer (posercore24...)

^^ haha

Benny Hinn: "Adam was a superbeing when God created him. I don’t know whether people even know this, but he was the first superman that ever lived. First of all, the Scriptures declare clearly that he had dominion over the fowls of the air, the fish of the sea, which means he used to fly."

Jan Crouch: "Wow!"

Benny Hinn: "Of course, how can you have dominion over the birds and not be able to do what they do?"

Jan Crouch: "Whoa, I mean, wait a minute. Benny, wait a minute."

Benny Hinn: "I’ll prove it to you. The word dominion in the Hebrew clearly declares that, if you have dominion over a subject, you can do everything that subject does. In other words, that subject, if it does something that you cannot do, you don’t have dominion over it. I’ll prove it further. Adam not only flew, he flew to space. With one thought, he’d be on the moon."

that really is the gayest shit I've seen since I caught a glimpse of my belly while getting out of the shower this morning

-- like murderinging (modestmickey), Monday, May 8, 2006 5:07 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

A world dictator is coming on the scene. My! He's a short man. He's a short man. I see a short man who's a perfect incarnation of Satan. (Tongues)

But here's first what I see for TBN. You're going to have people raised from the dead watching this network. You're going to have people raised from the dead watching TBN. Programs -- just plain programs -- programs that haven't done much when it comes to supernatural manifestations -- teaching programs!"

- Benny Hinn, October 19, 1999 Praise The Lord, Trinity Broadcasting Network

Okay that Benny Hinn bit is gold. I don't think even Jack Chick's gone that far.

oh there's way more to that last one i guess

Benny Hinn: But here's first what I see for TBN. You're going to have people raised from the dead watching this network. You're going to have people raised from the dead watching TBN. Programs - just plain programs - programs that haven't done much when it comes to supernatural manifestations - teaching programs. It's not going to be a Benny Hinn saying, "Stretch your hands." It's going to be your average teaching program, your normal Christian program, that's blessing the church. There's going to be such power on these programs people will be raised from the dead worldwide. I'm telling you, I see this in the Spirit. It's going to be so awesome - Jesus I give you praise for this - that people around the world - maybe not so much in America - people around the world who will lose loved ones, will say to undertakers "Not yet. I want to take my dead loved one and place him in front of that TV set for 24 hours."

Paul Crouch: Benny Hinn! Jesus!

Benny Hinn: I'm telling you. People will be - people - I'm telling you, I feel the anointing talking here. People are going to be canceling funeral services and bringing their dead in their caskets, placing them - my God! I feel the anointing here - placing them before a television set, waiting for God's power to come through and touch them. And it's going to happen time and time - so much it's going to spread. You're going to hear it from Kenya to Mexico to Europe to South America, where people will be raised from the - so much so that the word will spread that if some dead person be put in front of this TV screen, they will be raised from the dead and they will be by the thousands. You wait. Now the Lord just told me - and I don't know whether this is true or not - as I'm saying this, the Lord said He gave you that word many, many years ago.

Paul Crouch: I have said that, yes.

Benny Hinn: I don't remember you saying that to me ever.

Paul Crouch: No, I didn't.

Benny Hinn: [He said] 'I've told him this already.'

Paul Crouch: Yeah, the Lord spoke that to me in the very beginning of TBN and I didn't really -

Jan Crouch: And I had a dream.

Benny Hinn: You had a dream.

Paul Crouch: Yeah, tell him about that little -

Jan Crouch: That's just a dream - people were being raised from the dead. Years ago.

Paul Crouch: It's on tape. I said the day is coming -

Benny Hinn: I see quite something amazing. I see rows of caskets lining up in front of this TV set and I see them bringing them closer to the TV set and as people are coming closer I see actually loved ones picking up the hands of the dead and letting them touch the screen and people are getting raised as their hands are touching that screen.

...With this program - I'm not talking about my program - I'm talking programs, plain programs aired - the glory of God will be so on TBN that there's going to be divine resurrection happening as people bring their loved ones to the TV set.

Paul Crouch: Just because it's His time.

Benny Hinn: It's His time. Now here's something else I see. Jesus, I give You praise for this, I give You praise for this, I give You praise for this - the day will come, Paul - and I pray you'll be here. I pray the Lord will allow you to be here and see it. I mean, physically be here. You're in your 60s now. But the day is going to come when the gifts of the Holy Spirit will so intensify in the church that young children will be watching TBN and signs and wonders will begin to take place through them. Impartations of the Spirit will come to them. A little child that knows nothing about the gifts, knows nothing about the anointing, knows nothing about the power of God, will be imbued with power from on high as a child, as that TV set comes on, and will go out like fire torches to their schools and their playgrounds and their families. I see children, I see children, what looks like fire in their lips spreading - but I see these kids touching the TV set, receiving it, and going out and spreading it. And it's going to happen with children in the U.S., Canada, all over the world. And I do see people being raised from the dead here, but I see masses of them overseas. (Praise The Lord, Trinity Broadcasting Network, October 19, 1999)

Paul Crouch: Benny Hinn! Jesus!

http://www.americanfundamentalists.com/cast/images/crouch.jpg

http://www.tbn.org/about/newsletter/0006/000609.jpg

I have allways Liked G.W. Bush.
ANd thats because I do not burry my head in the sand and just join the mindless blame Bush croud.
President Bush is up against alot more than just those who appose him in Washington.
Why do you think the Worldly of the World and the Muslims and libs and everyone including the Devil hates him so much?
Isnt it clear that George W Bush stands for Something That the prince of this world hates.
George Bush is all alone at the top like a lightning Rod to take the heat for everything going wrong in the world.
ANd everyone who uses common sence knows that all these things began Long before Bush became preasident.

People who go around blaming Bush and Hating Bush make me sick bacause they are so non thinking that it would be useless to try to reason with them.

FIrst of all Bush is one man.
He is president of the United states wich is a very very limited position of power.
He is very powerful yes but you would be very surprised to stand in his shoes and see just how limited his power actually is.

I have allway's known that the ones who hold the power on this planet are not even human.
They are sentiant beings that are thousands of years old and The Bible has many things to say about their leader.
they know all to well how to exploit human fear and how to redirect blame for all the ill's of the world right back on the Lord himself and anyone who Stands
for what's rite.

In the Human realm their has allways been a secret group of old men that control the worlds currencies and they do things like start wars by shifting large amounts of currency from one place to the next.
ANd they put up dictators and thay buy presidencies.

call them the Illuminatie or whatever ...they are real.

I want everyone reading this to know that anyone who Hates G.W. Bush is
rite in line with the Devil himself.

so try to think and use some common sence before your to quike to place the blame on Bush.

Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I like that you mention the Illuminati because your text reads like a portion of the Principia Discordia.

exploit human fear, start wars, put up dictators... very mysterious who this group might be.

Benny Hinn is a truly vacuous farmer of cock. I rather hate the fact that I have done work for TBN.

wasn't Benny Hinn one of the dudes who got exposed by some Dateline style show for throwing away prayer requests & having a radio earpiece in so he could get information about people in the crowd from his ushers?

Benny Hinn is a truly vacuous farmer of cock. I rather hate the fact that I have done work for TBN.

-- Ed, Friday, June 8, 2007 4:28 PM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only technical stuff for some of their TV channels, the company i work for sold them some stuff.

http://raycomfortfood.blogspot.com/2008/05/heres-dirt.html

fuck this idiot

those that fail to give the name “God” or “Jesus” capitals, will be automatically deleted

Aside from the god* bollocks, he actually makes a reasonable point in that post.

*note lower case g.

dunno if anyone has mentioned this yet, but wild bananas that haven't been cultivated by people are all fat and lumpy looking. so the bananas you buy at the shop ARE designed!

Aside from the god* bollocks, he actually makes a reasonable point in that post.

*note lower case g.

-- chap, Friday, May 30, 2008 12:11 PM (10 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

and that point is? NASA's half a percent of the federal budget is a waste of money because we already know that god made mars from dirt? never mind that phoenix is there to learn if there's water & if we can establish colonies on mars, not to learn 'what mars is made of'

I'm not against space exploration per se, and I get as excited as anyone when new space pictures and info comes in. And yeah, there are much bigger wastes of money going on all the time. But I can see where the guy's coming from - if you're going to call him out on something, he's said way more ludicrous stuff.

what did he say that you agreed with?

That maybe we should put more time and effort into sorting out our own shit before looking outwards. I'm not saying I agree with him 100%, but, like I say, it's not an unreasonable point.

He show gets a lot of action on his blog.

What amazes me about the atheist is that most of them are into science fiction. They watch Star Trek, Star Wars ( C3PO ), and others which promote superior intelligent design among the stars.

Promote?

I think he's confusing 'most atheists' with 'most athetists who are into wasting time posting crap on internet message boards'.

this will give us pretty good scientific insight into "our own shit"

kinda reminds me of this: