OVERHEARD

crazy lady: "go to hell!"
sane lady: "YOU go to hell!"
crazy lady: "i'm already there."

i was in a coffee shop that was staffed by a couple of indie DUDES listening to macho-man drag city stylee BOYS WITH GUITARS. the one dude interrupted his conversation to take my order (iced coffee, sesame bagel) and went back to flirting with the cute blonde also standing there, asking her about the new age book she was reading. about 30 seconds later he turned back to me and said "uh... what did you order again?"

guy and girl, sitting out on the front stoop: "you can eat at popeye's, or you can be fly..."

scruffy-looking bearded man in wheelchair, talking to a friend walking alongside him across the quad: "...that time i interviewed page hamilton..."

By the time we make it to two words in our typical "oh sorry, we don't have any.." she blurted out "AAAAAaaaaaah, fuck you" and turned her head.

Still best being-asked-for-change story ever.

Then wiped his hands on his pants. No surreptitiousness about it at all. I started to wonder if I was on candid camera. EWW.

"I met this lovely girl, very beautiful, very intelligent. There are two problems though: One, she's Turkish, and two, she's an agnostic. In fact she's a really big liberal. She doesn't know what the rules are. She doesn't even know there ARE rules!"

I quite fancy her.

ahahhahahhahaha i just just just overheard a dude in the next row of cubicles doing a variation of the lloyd bentsen "I knew x, you sir are no x" routine, but it was about screen doors [?]. i figured it was some joke and was waiting for the other dudes around him to laugh, but nobody did... and it became clear to me that he was really pissed!! and then i figured out he was ACTUALLY ON THE PHONE with a carpenter!!

"I know screen doors. I've had screen doors for years. I'm intimately familiar with screen doors. And this screen door, sir... well the latch is just... unsatisfactory. Ok, transfer me to Bruce. Fine." etc.

hilarious

two dudes in slacks and ties at breakfast in the deli this morning while I was getting my coffee:

Moustache: So how's it goin?
Gel Spikes: It's all right
Moustache: Gotta go to a couple meetings?
Gel Spikes: Yeah
Moustache: Well God DAMN!! Welcome to the THUNDERDOME!

big ups to wherever these guys work

gff's is pretty funny

They obviously work in the Thunderdome, duh.

aw man I didn't even think of that

One, she's Turkish?? Why do Europeans think it's totally OK to completely write off an entire nationality as long as you're talking about Turks?

my younger sister shared a house with two other girls her senior year in college, one of the girls was the daughter of a turkish diplomat to the u.n. previous to his post there he worked in the turkish embassy or consulat in australia. the end result was that his smoking hot 22 year old daughter had the most alluring blend of accents. when i met her i was 23 and up to that point she was the most strikingly beautiful woman i'd ever actually seen in person.

she had some really hot, exotic name too. damned if i remember it now though.

thunderdome sounds like it might not come with a lot of job security

Last week (meant to post).

It's about noon, three 20-something women walking in the same direction ahead of me, male co-worker of theirs (I assume) walking toward them back to the office:

MC-W: Where you going?
3 FC-W: Luciano's! (all three said it in unison, with a kind of a sing-song gleeful giggle in their voices).
MC-W: Niiice.

Luciano's is a nearby storefront Italian lunch place that's OK but not warrenting that much glee, IMO.

Weirdo posh dude sitting outside the pub, talking to some other posh dude:

"Now SARah says that brings out the Romeo in me, but ReBECca says that it brings out the Little Lord Fontelroy in me. But the thing is [leaning forward, very earnestly now], I'm both."

Random loud mouth at the baseball stadium in SF (Its name has been changed so many times, I don't remember what it is anymore): It's not cold!!! It's warmly challenged.

um...ok Mr....

OK, yesterday my husband told me this story and I'm glad someone revived this thread because now I get to post it.

He was walking past a block of flats in the town where he works, and heard, loud as you like, out of the window (woman's voice):

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, GET YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF MY FUCKING FEET"

Oh man, very sad exchange at the bank while waiting in line:

Old lady who had been in line a long time: It's a busy day, isn't it?
One of two tellers: We are so UNDERSTAFFED. Last week I had to work 50 hours.
Old lady: That's not very long.
Teller: *look of thin patience and bafflement*

big ups to tombot for shareage

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, GET YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF MY FUCKING FEET"

This story is too funny. I was in hysterics reading it and then I realised it sounded kind of familiar. I had actually screamed this at our dog last week. Didn't realise how it might sound to people who might overhear....strange coincidence.

"I know screen doors. I've had screen doors for years. I'm intimately familiar with screen doors. And this screen door, sir... well the latch is just... unsatisfactory.

"Senator, you're no screen door"

Smartest high school student in the world (as part of a long pontification): "Was it Nixon or Reagan who ended the gold standard. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Nixon. Nixon was pretty much the worst president ever."

Summer Casual: "Yeah, it's all the fault of politically correct lefties like the Daily Mail. They just want our children to die."

She's going to university this year.

She has just got worse: "We went swimming with his brother and it was dead funny, he looked anorexic. Oh they always make me laugh, them, with their bones sticking out."

hahaha, how long have you got her for? also, I know where you work, don't they have some sort of quality control on staff?

I don't know when she starts university. One of us may have choked her by then.

We don't necessarily do much in the way of checks over summer casuals, mainly because we don't give them anything important to do and also because they're usually the children of staff (so are already legally covered by bits of legislation).

two african american women browsing a selection of plaid head scarves at the j crew: "what is this? this is, like, SLAVE style!"

"You've gotta make sure you keep you McNuggets safe!"

WTF????

"Now SARah says that brings out the Romeo in me, but ReBECca says that it brings out the Little Lord Fontelroy in me. But the thing is [leaning forward, very earnestly now], I'm both."

hahaahah

Two thin or average sized girls coming out of cafe:

girlone: "I don't know any huge people who don't eat a lot"
girltwo: "So it is that simple!"

hilarious thread.

At law school today.

Guy: Oh yeah, Facebook. Man, Facebook is like the online version of apartheid.
Girl: Hmm?
Guy: You know how there's like these big feud between Myspace and Facebook, like they're saying Facebook is the upscale, smarter version of Myspace.
Me(under my breath): wtf? douche.

guy walking down vermont yelling into his phone: "he was holding a fucking gun and barking at me in spanish! i freaked out!"

Trashy girl to her (supposed) mother

Lin-gurr-ie, it's not lingerie, that's why I say Lin-gurr-ie.

bus driver (northbound 206 on normandie tonight, after arriving way way later than he was supposed to) to disgruntled passengers getting on: "if i'm an hour late, how come you didn't just WALK? you wouldn't have to wait if you used those feet of yours. what are you doing out at this time of night anyway?"

i'm all for walking, but maybe koreatown at 10:30pm isn't the best time or place.

how are you supposed to know that he's going to be an hour late? if u walk he'll roll by you in between stops obv

i've never been the kind of asshole that has tried to get someone fired, but i think on tuesday i'm gonna give metro a call about this dude.

Posh English woman talking to a seller at a car boot sale, "sometimes I get a feeling from them and, (shivers) I don't buy anything from them".

2 women behind me in the library (where it's pretty quiet) - "Well, I don't know, I don't think I should have any hairs on my chest"

"I was throwing up, OK!"

One of my classmates at lunch: "Myspace is so DISTRACTING!"

One of thoses, "funny coz it's true" things...plus her tone of voice was so funny.

not really "overheard," but: yesterday i was on hollywood blvd and passed a street musician who was pounding out doomy metallica riffs on his guitar while tourists milled about on the walk of fame. i looked down and noticed he was standing on the peter frampton star. so adorable!

A girl in the class room next door to the one I was in: "So it's like the goat one! But I got the goat one...I liked the goat one."

*Shakes head*...ok??

http://www.cnr.edu/home/bmcmanus/satyr.jpg

The goat one.

Yesterday: "I mean does your face tell you that you're gay?"

http://www.punknews.org/images/covers/the_jesus_lizard-goat.jpg
xp

woman on street to six-year-old girl: "you're not gonna tell on me for using the N-word, right? it's just sometimes i see so much trash on the street and..."

At Dutchess County Fair last month:

One average looking man to another: They need to bring Charo back.

G: Did I hear what I think I did?
Me: YES

Camp voice in a shop "that's like something my gran used to wear when she was dead"

some recording studio guy in a cafe on selma and cahuenga, talking to his lunch companion:

"you know the band the jesus lizard? their singer will not perform a note until he is COMPLETELY drunk."

Some girl walking past me today : "yeah dp's, I can take 'em or leave 'em". I guess she was talking about something other than what I thought she was talking about.

Ok...this is more of a story of someone over hearing me...But it made me laugh so hard today.

Me: He kept trying to ask me out. And he asked me to marry him and I was all like NO!!!

Religion Teacher (male) in the other room I was walking by: "He asked me to marry him and I was all like NO!!!"

Me: Oh, shi...Hi! *Waves*

Last Saturday I was at the Brewey Arts complex open house (bunch of artists' studios) here in L.A. and was walking through a gallery there that had some chess sets and photographs of people with chess sets. One of the photos had a woman in it who I thought looked a lot like the actress that plays Mel on Flight of the Conchords, and as I turned away to the next piece I heard some guy behind me say "blah, blah, Jemaine" which I thought was a wierd coincidence that someone would say the name Jermaine and even pronounce it without the "R" like the FotC character after I had just thought about Mel. Then I figured it was someone who noticed the same resemblance and was making a joke ("I wonder if she's playing Jemaine, huh, huh" or some such). So I turn around to see if he was looking at the photo and maybe comment that she does indeed look like Mel. I see it is some older guy walking with the actual Mel (!!!) and she answers him something like "Jemaine's in New Zealand." They walk past and go into a side room so I didn't have time to say anything (plus she was talking to him and walking purposefully, so I probably wouldn't have anyway). I was thinking I would have said something if she was standing there alone like "Mel, I'm your biggest fan" although I may have thought of that after she was gone. Also I didn't know her real name, which is kind of embarrasing.

I was going to post this on the Flight of the Conchords thread, but it seems better here.

Out in the rain today, an old lady walked past me with her umbrella up, turned to me and said "You have to get wet, to get wet". I just looked baffled and walked on.

Andrew WK in disguise, obv.

Old drunk homeless dude muttering to himself. Ambulance goes past, lights and sirens a plenty.

"YOU'LL NEVER SELL ANY ICE CREAMS GOING THAT FAST!"

Kristen Schaal was in town performing at UCB and writing for South Park.

a classic xpost

homeless dude otm

REALLY REALLY DRUNK GUY ON A BIKE: I try to ride in the street, but those cars won't slow down.
ME: Well, you do have the right of way.
RRDGOAB: You got a quarter?
ME: No.
RRDGOAB: Got a dime?
ME: No.
RRDGOAB: I got nothin'.
ME: You got a bike.
RRDGOAB: Do you want it?

Dude in secondhand record store standing next to me, talking to the cashier... going through the new arrivals bin.

"yeah man, big black, awesome. You got any RAPEMAN? YEah thats Albini too. Songs about FUCKING, man"

I mean, I know he was all on an Albini tip and whatever but did he have to emphasise the RAPEMAN and FUCKING so loudly? Didn't impress me dude.

Gaggle of exceedingly Geordie guys in a lift:

"'e's a brussel"

"Yeah, 'e's a brussel"

"No 'e ain't a brussel"

"Yeah 'e is 'cause 'e worked for this other company before..."

?!?!?!?!

That "YOU'LL NEVER SELL ANY ICE CREAMS GOING THAT FAST!" from a bit earlier in the thread is a Morecambe and Wise classic, by the way:

http://kakapojayne.blogspot.com/2007/02/with-apologies-to-morecambe-wise.html

As I walked into the department this morning, I heard the oldest living working lecturer here (probably in London--dude's like 80), shout out: OH, FUCK YOU!. As I walked past his office I noticed that he was alone in there, not on the phone, with the computer off.

So he was shouting at you?

Nah, he shouted it before I came into view. Pretty much all my students every year complain about his lectures, think he's senile, etc. Ah, tenure.

I like him. What's his subject/specialism?

English--17th/18th century.

I'm macabre. I think I freak stoners out.
-- Some guy at Squat & Gobble wearing a Gatsby who seemed to be some kind of Home Depot manager type

Really long monologue by mid-30s woman on PATH including
"We decided against that Benz - it got the worst ratings from consumer reports"
"See I'd never cheat on my husband. We've got the condo together, we've got all these investments..."
"I find myself thinking 'I wish I'd done Thomas, I wish I did David, I wish I had Andy."
"A 25-year old guy can't even make the decision to get married."
"My mom asked all of us whether we thought she should get back together with dad. Everyone who said no, she stopped talking to them...(a few seconds later) I had the best mom."

"He's got Assburgers Syndrome, so he gets turned on by wearing women's shoes"

--Part of a LOLheavy 20 minute conversation between two 16 yr old girls on the train.

more of that conversation plz

There's a store called Squat & Gobble?? Ew.

Squat & Gobble has some fine brunchy-type stuff, such as salads, tofu scramble, pancakes, and hefeweisen. European tourists, at least, seem to adore it.

"if he lectures me again i'm gonna stick a grenade launcher up his ass." --a couple of hollywood guys on the train who produce shows for nbc

"Well, it's raining! It was sunny this morning, we're not going to get a summer this year are we. Look at it raining, if anyone still doesn't believe in global warming now they need shooting"

SHUT UP OH JUST SHUT UP

"I've got the video of my hip surgery, and it's pretty cool..."

Is this commonplace now?

Jersey Lawyer 1: "I went to New York this weekend."
Jersey Lawyer 2: "Ah, yeah?"
JL 1: "Yeah, New York is great. I love the atmosphere. You can go to a restaurant, walk around, see a musical."
JL 2: "Did you ever go to John's Pizza?"
JL 1: "Nah"
JL 2: "Oh, you gotta go."
JL 1: "Why?"
JL 2: "It's great. You can take the whole family. It's a great place."

This conversation took place about 15 minutes from the George Washington Bridge.

"Yo that's a subpoena, yo"
"What?"
"Let me see that...yeah, that's a subpoena."
<peruses said subpoena, hands it back to the other guy>
"They ain't got nothin' on you."

this morning on BART

Woman just sitting at the table next to me with her fiance or husband just bitched for about 10 minutes about exactly what was wrong with her engagement or wedding ring and how she was planning to change it. She's "Thinking of going gold instead of platinum" and she wants the stones "recessed, because there's this design that everyone has" and she wants "something different." Then it was that the ring "has a smell" because "sweetie, the problem is it's not micro kava [?], it's just kava [?] so the mildew gets in."

All I could tell was that her ring looked expensive as all fuck. These are the kinds of things one overhears in Brooklyn Heights/DUMBO

the slash that should not be

Well this was in DUMBO, fwiw, but I've been hearing conversations like this ever since I moved to brooklyn heights.

oooh my turn!

2 ladies in the cafe at whole foods columbus circle discussing the merits of working or staying home:

"but if i have to work, i have to get a nanny. nannies are SO expensive - like $15 an hour!!"

i hate you people and your willingness to underpay the people taking care of what is supposedly the most important thing in your life.

I wish I could post the TONE of the ring woman's voice and the way she was talking to her poor fiancee. I seriously wanted to walk over and spit my coffee in her face.

I guess rich people be self-entitled because they rich and self-entitled people be rich because they self-entitled.

self help book in the making

coworker one: anthrax goes in the butt
coworker two: yeah and it's all thick and gooky
coworker one: yup

a woman sitting behind me at a cafe:
"these are veneers (sound of a tooth being tapped with a fingernail). when i got them i'd had these whitened so now the veneers are always whiter than the others. it makes them stand out, it makes them look bigger. see? they look heaps bigger than the others."

"you remind me of marianne faithful. you DO know who marianne faithful is, don't you?"

"yes of course, i love her voice."

"did you know she did it with mick jagger on the top of a mountain? did you know that?"

two dudes walking down the hallway at work. 1, to the other, very serious:

"I think wikipedia is wrong sometimes."

Woman talking on her mobile about her friend to another friend:

"There's fat, and then there's just greedy"

Oh, and another favourite was a lady talking about how she'd smashed someone's head in, and then she suddenly switched to talking about the Olympics, and described the British swimming lady as "the honky with the big nose, she done well"

At farmer's market:

Arugula seller: 'Have you ever burnt a Christmas tree'
Customer: 'No'
'Really? REAlly?'
'No...'
'It can be a very emotional experience'.

In Rothko Room at Phillips Collection gallery, woman to her friend after long worried pause gazing at Rothkos from bench (suddenly decisive): 'It's like a tie-die effect'.

Errr, tie-dye

Two london geezers by the door of my local, 'avin a fag. As I'm walking past they both suddenly embrace and one says

"I love you more than you'll ever know, Dave. You know that don't you."

bromance

tiny girl in exquisite clothes (sweetly): mama?
immaculate beautiful mother (in breathy cultured voice) : yes bea?
bee (in broad queensland accent): i just done a burp

:D

Hahahah thats fecking fantastic! Well done that girl.

Walking by the shore in New Zealand I see a middle-aged white haired man on a cell phone shouting in a thick Texas drawl, "I will NEVER! I will NEVER! I will NEVER do another deal with RANDY!"

Crazy blind Jamaican lady on the bus, standing up front yelling at us, preaching her wisdom: "Why do you t'ink you never see a Chinese drug addict? Or Chinese prostitute?"

Well we know why SHE doesnt oh yes I went there.

"You're awfully demanding for a Stone Age person."

teh Viceroy just got a 'QC SUPPLY' catalog & is musing over it out loud

"Huh, this thing holds up to 30 mice."
"Anticoagulants, nice!"
"There's anticoagulant resistant rodents? Gross."
"Cow de-licer. Awesome."
"Wow! A little cow cleaner stall. 'Cow goes in the stall, jets turn on.Cow becomes clean.'"

Hahah!

My upstairs the other day on the phone to a ladyfriend while in the back stairwell:

I can't believe we slept together the first night I mean . . . you must have a lot of confidence. Did you take me home thinking we were going to have sex or did it just happen?

I made my exit at that point. There are just some things I don't need to know about Luciano.

is it designed kinda like a car wash?

lol uh I thought you meant my neighbor's ladyfriend for a second there. I was very confused.

But is your neighbor's ladyfriend designed kinda like a car wash?

I don't know. Maybe if I'd stuck around and continued eavesdropping I would know more.

disgusting.

!!

http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/1701/carwashz.jpg

Well you know maybe it DOES take confidence to sleep with a carwash!

"You're awfully demanding for a Stone Age person."

Would like this said to me in bed.

Young Brooklyn woman to young Brooklyn woman, in caustic tone: "That's exactly what I fucking told him out of my mouth"

Scored an Overhead in DC on DCist a couple of weeks ago:

A twenty-something couple is sitting on a block by the FDR memorial, among the cherry blossoms.

Man: "I find ways to work smarter, not harder, and then I work harder as well."
Woman, placing hand on his knee and looking adoringly into his eyes: (sigh) "Efficiency..."

hahaha, love that

Just now on the bus from some woman sitting behind me, "I'm ok with the blood part but I just can't stomach the stool."

"...and that's why I'm dropping out of nursing school."

Close!! That's why she stopped being a medical assistant. It got better too. She told an almost poetic story about giving a homeless man with maggot infested ass sores a flu shot. Most of this stuff doesn't bother me but even I was a little O_O. I also learned that she had to drop out of school and get her "Good Enough Diploma" after getting "knocked up", that her mother and sister are both bi-polar but self-medicate and that her 14 year old black lab's name is Spike. This was all in less than 10 mins. Tbh she was pretty interesting and I might kiw given the chance.

I'll bet that man had the cleanest and healthiest wounds in the city--maggots are great for keeping wounds infection-free.

Oh, don't worry, she covered that too. ;)

maggot infested ass sores

well if you're going to get ass sores it's probably best to get maggot infested ones

There was another story along those lines but I think you've probably heard enough.

just so u remember u never have the right to accuse me of posting grossout shit ever again

I don't think I ever have!!

(dude at the next table in a Fullerton, CA coffee bar)

“My tattoo is only partially done. The artist has disappeared and I’m looking for someone who can finish it.”

at some airport security checkpoint a couple of years ago:

woman to young boy: "put on your shoes! put them on! i mean it! put them on right now!"

boy: "no one ever comes to our house."

was catching snippets of some choice conversation today but never enough to pull it together and I thought of this thread and muttered UNDERHEARD loudly enough to stop them

"I never had any kids until I had my first."

was eating lunch next to these people

person a: yeah, she doesn't come home til late
person b: oh he's white?
a: i don't even see when she comes in...yeah
b: oh he's not asian. 'cause he's white. they're all like that
a: she comes home like at 2 or 3am. she's not dating him anymore though
b: oh now she's with the korean guy?
a: yeah
b: oh that's why. all koreans do is drink and go out til late
a: well because she got it from the first guy, now she wants to keep doing it

lol

"I don't want to just run to suburbia like other christians. Run and hide".

- on the bus

"You could have had the best escort agency in the world but because of my view you won't be making 100 grand. Because of my view!"

- to phone held in front of face, gesticulating with other hand.

"you speak really good english!"

"well i have been here 61 years"

"some of em come over and dont speak a word!"

"ive no time for them whatever, especially british transport police, they probably couldnt even find Appleby

26 years it took them to find me, they aren't the sharpest tools in the box, I'm not paying my licence fee. A million pounds thats what they pay bloody Lineker

there is no way a semi-literate police constable is going to write my statement

the governor general of the bbc presided over the jimmy saville case and got a £2m pay rise!

the thing about these people, is they way laugh all the way to the bank

the boss of network rail got 300k for trains running a little closer to the time. isnt that supposed to be his job

pendolino crash, negative maintenance report. did he resign? course he bloody he didn't

its like that bloody blair, one of my friends is a champagne socialist. blair was in the miners club in sedgefield. he was in the back having a bloody glass of wine. Thats Labour for you

I was writing these down in real time but there were too many so i missed some.

Some guy in my office:

"We don't have much choice: we've either got to go the whole hog or... just some of the hog"