I'm sad

I would say just wish yourself out of winter, which is a good idea anyway, but clearly that's impossible, and I've already recommended books. Therapy: dumb movies that are fun to laugh at, comfort food that actually tastes good, and a friend with nutty stories. It's a start, at least.

The web is great for staving off the loneliness, but it's really not the same as actual human interaction. You might feel less sad if you went out into the world and tried to re-integrate yourself a bit.

I'm *really* not saying this to be preachy, I'm saying this out of horrible experience.

Also, is "Boo hoo, I'm sad" a direct, deadpan quote?

(I shouldn't tease, but sometimes I feel better if people make me stop taking a particular situation seriously.)

I'm sad.

I'm sorry you're sad Abbott. Being sad sucks. :-(

Don't be sad, be glad!

cheer up everybody

Would it help if I invited you to post on the NM thread?

Hahaha no not really.

Bestest wish, Abbott.

i'm sad

:-(

I hope you're both ok.

All the best, guys. You're two of my very favorites and you always bring me smiles. Hope you get out the doldrums soon.

<3

I'm sad, mostly for one of my best friends, who just turned 40, lost his job, and now tells me his wife's been having an affair with one of her (female) coworkers

Can't this be a bit of bad news that somehow becomes good news?

it didn't sound like it

who just turned 40, lost his job, and now tells me his wife's been having an affair with one of her (female) coworkers
Wow, worse than me!

Yeah, I just miss my wife (she's fine, just out of the country on biz for a while). Jeesh.

I hope everyone feels better up in this peice.

I'm sad.

Abbs, whats up? I feel like we both have cycles of just being bummed the hell out.

anything in particular bugging you?

General malaise/deppressiosity, feeling like a shit about myself, money, and: my mom-in-law is moving back into town. Plus..nostalgia?

Are you doing well?

lots of nostalgia here too, I was home in Dublin for the last week, always makes me feel a bit sad as it reminds me of not having any responsibilites plus on a separate note I always feel sad for my parents when I leave as I know they are on their own now.

hope you feel better soon!

Meh...my wife is going to be gone until early June, so that sucks.

Upside - two of my best friends are in town for a week, my job is going well, and the weather rules. Also, I'm losing weight with relative ease due to some minor dietary changes (less caloric breakfast, MUCH less drinking).

So - about even keeled, but not for a lack of waves on the ocean of my life.

Ambivalently even-keeled. There you go.

I always feel sad for my parents when I leave as I know they are on their own now.

That's beautiful Ronan, it truly is.

sometimes you just have to do the sad, i was just thinking this

Since a bad head-cold a month ago, my tinnitus has gone from very mild and barely noticeable to full blown white noise thumping and screaming of bells in my ears, 94/7. Almost feels like my ears are going to explode off of my head.

I feel isolated and cranky and miserable.

I've been trying to engage thoughtfully and even sometimes cynically/stupidly on ILX for fun and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Life behind glass eh wot :( Fed up.

i bet you have a lot going for you other than your illness

I like to think so! I just feel bad that I'm letting it get to me to the point I'm not interested in much and I'm getting so grumpy! Ugh.

Aw Trayceface, that is dogballs. I have trained a wee gargoyle to sing 'Reach Out of the Darkness' by Friend & Lover while I play tambourine. If I were there I wld bring it and a punching bag bcz damn if that song doesn't make you want to take it out on people. Catharsis.

I think it's SO GROOVY NOW that people are FINALLY GETTING TOGETHER, Trayce.

*smack me, come on*

Hahahah <3 you Ab :)

:) :) :) :)

i want to cry cry cry cause i was in a small accident. cyclist drove against my car while i did a uturn. her mistake but i should have seen her coming. argh. :-(((( just want to crawl in a hole and cry. my dad demanded i did the uturn. didn't want to but did. partially my mistake. even though she shouldn't have been driving on the wrong side, i should have seen her coming. :-(((

Oh no Nath :( Is the cyclist ok at least?

Oh dear :(

I was walking home from work and I saw a guy playing with his dog in the park, looking exactly like my family's dog did when he was younger and healthier. Our dog died a couple weeks ago, but since I haven't been home it didn't really bother me so much until today, and now it's making me really sad.

I feel a little like this guy looks right now:

http://th01.deviantart.com/fs8/300W/i/2005/332/a/6/Who__s_a_Sad_Panda__by_moochacha26.jpg

it's because you miss gabbneb isn't it

I'm sorry, E. I was sad on Monday, but then I've spent the last two days being mad instead, and it's much nicer.

it's always satisfying to replace yr aimless depression with a nice productive rage

x-post Dammit I can't believe you saw through my well-crafted facade of elation but it's true. I miss Neb so much it hurts and I'm crying on the inside.

Aw, thanks Laurel. Mad is definitely better than sad but I'm not sure I can turn the sadness into anger in this situation.

it's funny, i do have a deeply set belief in this process -- turning fear, frustration or sadness into anger. not that i believe in doing it, just that i believe that a lot of people do it, as like a coping mechanism.

anyway, i'm sorry to hear you're sad E. i think a lot of people are sad, a lot of the time, and we use big words to try and explain it when really, it's just sad.

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y93/sheeshreally/pic_search.jpg

I feel that little guy right now.

Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just in the middle of a v sad situation and trying to figure a way/things out etc. Not a lot to be angry about in regards to the particulars but maybe I can just find something else to be angry about and focus on that instead. Easier said than done though of course.

Am going to leave work early and go BBQ on some friends' roof deck. That should help alleviate the sadness until I find something to be angry about, huh?

its raining right now i guess jesus is sad :(

that will def help, E. bbq's, ya can't really go wrong with.

Hugs. Does a solution seem possible in the near future?

Once, when I had been sad for a really long time, I went to a bbq and ended up hanging out w a 7-yr-old girl who liked hugs and showing me her digital camera and running around the yard not talking to the boys. It was perfect. When I got home, I realized I had turned the corner to getting better. Maybe something like that will happen to you!

aww, that's kind of a sweet story

I often find it goes the other way - that anger you can do nothing about turns to sadness and crystallises into depression.

Aw, E., sad is a crummy and hard feeling. I wld help you w/a sadectomy if I could. You are a good lady and I think you are swell.

xp That's why it's anger. I always have a much better day without it.

I have a note from her on my computer, it says "Hi LaURaL FROm Elizabeth" but some of the letters are made wrong.

sad is relatively omnipresent, though. i think in order to be really happy, you have to learn how to face it head on. well, "you" meaning "me."

anger implies a certain amount of control to me. like when you push me to that point, i almost become very calm. a pinch of rage can help certain situations.

Better sad or angry than numb for me.

I guess that's true. Numb is bad news. Numb means "would die if I had the energy, instead I'll lie here and care about nothing and do nothing and turn off the phone and not even bother with email and not quite bother to cut myself, but only because I'm too lazy." Yeah those are bad days.

it's because you miss gabbneb isn't it

Gabbneb's gone? . . .

Again? . . .

So soon?

Wow. Sorry you're sad, btw. Sometimes it's best to channel your energy elsewhere (e.g., get angry); sometimes it's best to work through it. In that regard, a particular episode of Steinski's old radio show on WFMU, called On Sadness, has been helpful to me.

What about those days when you cannot stop weeping, no matter what you do? Can't function, can't cope, just cry your eyes out at anything and everything.

I think that's a girl thing.

it's always satisfying to replace yr aimless depression with a nice productive rage

i think i need to do this, but i don't have anything to rage at in my life! stuff like ahmadinejad stealing the election is too abstract and bizarre to make me properly angry.

Btw, ENBB, I didn't mean my above post to take lightly your sadness. I hope you feel chipper again, soon.

Oh, that's right. Coz boys... don't... cry...

(Wait, Robert Smith discussion was on the other thread. Sorry if joke falls flat, then. It's that kind of day.)

Not trying to be insulting about "girl thing," and not joking. If I cry my eyes out about anything, it's usually music or writing or something external that reaches in somehow. And that's not really "sad" as I understand it. It's extreme, but it's not exactly sadness. I'm present for that emotion. The worst is when I'm not there anymore.

I don't exactly know how, but I think girls have a different relationship to crying altogether.

Dunno, Kate. For me, I did the crying thing for a while, and then I hung out at that bbq and the next day I felt immensely tired of being so boring, so boring that I was boring myself. And it seemed really self-centered and I wanted to be able to look around and actually see things besides my sadness. From that point on, I got better pretty fast, I guess.

Weeping is usually either cathartic or it takes enough out of me physically/emotionally that it either leaves me kind of zoned out or asleep. I cannot even conceive of crying all day.

Neither can I conceive of it, until it happens. It's unstoppable, and will not be stemmed. And then I end up sleeping for several hours afterwards, like this afternoon.

Laurel, where can one find these life-affirming 7 year olds? That sounds awesome and they seem sadly lacking in my life.

Yeah, many of the 7 year olds I know make involuntarily think of reasons to support retroactive abortion.

I skip the crying, I guess, and go right for the sleeping. I know it's an unhappy sleeping when I don't want anyone next to me during it, not even the cat.

I wish I could skip the crying. My eyes look like two pissholes in the snow.

Fetal position or semi-fetal?

xpost

What a lurid image, Kate.

Hey k8 I have done that too. Draining as all fuck, and when I'm feeling in that kind of away anything can prompt it. "I hope you don't cry yourself to sleep again tonight." *cue sobbing for three hours*

That hasn't happened in a while (over a year & a half, I think?), mainly bcz I am making sure to take really good care of myself AND I am finally on meds that work for me. But, yeah, I'd go through weeks of that at a time. Worst was when it'd happen at work or escuela.

Like eventually it's like 'dry heaves' but with sobbing.

Fetal position or semi-fetal?

Heh, it's true. You can't just lay on your back, no matter how many blankets, because what you really want is to disappear. So you have to curl up as tight as you can stand.

Like eventually it's like 'dry heaves' but with sobbing.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

you run out of tears, but you don't run out of cry.

I don't know how to do that. Making cry out of nothing at all.

Oh wow - I just popped on before going and and man . . . thanks folks. I really just wanted to post that panda pic and vent about being sad but ya'll are pretty great.

Laurel - I would <3 to hang out with that little girl right about now.

Nath - I don't know but hopefully a solution will be reached soon.

I can't really go into details but this is really a situation specific sadness and things are being worked out so hopefully it'll all be good again soon.

Again - thx so much - I'm not quite as sad right in this moment and I haven't even left the apt!

Outside is always a better place. Or at least a different one.

Kate, plz refrain from describing your eyes as pissholes in the snow, because even though I really don't want to, I end up thinking about peeing on your face. This is not my fault.

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a pisshole in the snow
Never knowing
What to pee on
Or if 'snow' meant 'blow'

What a decidedly odd direction this thread has taken

And I would like to know you
or at least a 7 year old kid
your BBQ burned out long before
your something something rhyming with "kid"

Sorry, it's a phrase I picked up from my plain-speaking Midlands pals, it just seemed really evocative of exactly how crap one feels when one's eyes look like that.

No, I get it. The less said about this, the better.

Unless my peeing on you would make you less sad, in which case I could only be a gentleman.

Whereas I rather like its earthiness and yet its gripping concision.

Stinging, one might say. Stinging concision.

Hey, sometimes you're the urine and sometimes you're the snow.

Pretty much the only time I wasn't crying or working on not crying was when I woke up in the morning and before I remembered how sad I was. And then the chest pain would start and then the crying, and I would do everything in my day operating through a screen of tears. On the subway, at work -- I stopped trying to hide it, actually. Would just keep working, but with my eyes streaming. Lasted...a couple of weeks? A month? God, was that boring. Breaking and maiming of the psyche, yes, but ultimately just really really boring.

It's really hard not to read hostility into a messageboard where a frank confession of soul-crushing depression and its unpleasant physical effects leads to a string of rather not-very-nice sexual banter. Like, does no one have an idea of what's appropriate behaviour or not?

But hey, it moves sadness into anger quite effectively, really.

Bits of this thread made me smile, specifically:

And I would like to know you
or at least a 7 year old kid
your BBQ burned out long before
your something something rhyming with "kid"

.. which is nice.

It's funny really, Tues I was somewhat bouncy, yesterday I was a bit 'unbouncy', but then I get home and I have a couple of "7yearoldkids", or one 11 and one 9, who were dressing for Ascot (without actually going), and all was well again.

Re: hostility and appropriate behavior

Nobody here is trying to offend or hurt you. You're seeing these things because you're looking for them. Please try to stop, you'll be a lot happier in life.

Sorry :-( (please don't be angry now someone tries to help)

Wow. So someone starts talking about pissing on my face, and it's *my* problem if I think that's somewhat offensive?

OK, I really don't belong in this place any more.

Ok. Really sorry now.

Hi, Kate. Have you met our friend Kenan? He is occasionally shockingly inappropriate; it's kind of his "thing". Either let him know it's a problem, at which point he'll probably apologize very nicely, or just move on and chalk one up to it taking all kinds.

Oh my. I haven't been back to this thread in too long.

Kate, I'm really sorry! Laurel is totally right (btw, thank you for kind-of defending me, Laurel, or at least as much as much as I deserve). I was just idly amusing myself, and I never meant for it to be at your expense. I mean, I don't know you at all. In fact, from what I do know about you, I'm kind of fond of you. And I swear I don't make a habit of peeing on people that I'm fond of. Picking on them a bit, maybe, but I meant no harm, I really didn't.

(And really... pissholes in the snow? That's disgusting.)

Let us now continue with our sad program, already in progress.

I don't expect answers, but I am interested in why girls are able to cry all day, and I can only cry at Carmen or Dylan.

Why? Because we're sad.

Wow. So someone starts talking about pissing on my face, and it's *my* problem if I think that's somewhat offensive?

I'm positivel y sure he doesn't mean it that way!

Go on Kate accept this MEGA HUGGELZ from a Belgian waffle girl. ;-)

Yeah I feel bad, Kate. My strategies for lightening the mood are perhaps illustrative of why I should stay off any thread called "I'm sad" or anything like it."

I am very sorry if I hurt your feelings. And I know I said it before, but I always liked you.

You can wear my letterman jacket, if you want...

Oh fuck it, there's no way I'm not going to stop being a giant asshole. I think most people have realized this way before me.

good job, kenan

Eat me.

No, it's OK, Kenan. I didn't understand that you were trying to be lighthearted to break a mood.

One of the worst things about hardcore depression is that you lose your ability to see humour in everything. The world really gets reduced down to this black and white flatness, where everyone is either with you or against you - usually against you.

I managed to not cry for most of the day yesterday, and then collapsed into bawling on the bus home, and stayed that way for the rest of the evening.

Today it's completely gone, like it was never there to start with. Maybe it's cathartic or something.

Kate, for me it helps realizing it will get better. This state isn't eternal. Also, it's not bad to cry. You should not feel guilty for crying.

i don't cry when i'm depressed -- that's when i'm the least emotional. the breakdowns happen when i'm a collection of raw nerves -- like when i haven't slept and i'm exhausted and anxious.

^

I have various "hues" of depression. When I'm so far into my depression, then I usually don't cry anymore. I guess I don't cry because I can't imagine a different state of mind. At one point death seemed "understandable".

At one point death seemed "understandable".

It seems like a serious downer, and yet I really hope I get ot the point before I die.

I'm too old to be depressed, I have family to take care of, but we had a death in the family and I can't get out of bed sometimes. Not the same as being depressed and not understanding why, but I hate myself for not getting out of bed in the morning.

It took me changing my gender to understand that Kenan is right about women and crying. Certainly men can and do cry, but you'd be surprised how much crying is linked to hormonal changes. There are actually chemical reasons why girls can suddenly feel like crying for no particular reason at all and there are also chemical reasons why a boy can feel sad but somehow, strangely unable to translate that into crying. It doesn't even have anything to do with societal pressure on them not to cry. I've been on both sides of the fence and I continue to be.

Not the same as being depressed and not understanding why, but I hate myself for not getting out of bed in the morning.

This could be a sign of depression. Not necessarily, obv., but it's possible. How to Diagnose Clinical Depression Symptoms("Hopelessness is one of the major depression symptoms. This is the feeling that there is no point in getting out of bed in the morning.").

There are actually chemical reasons why girls can suddenly feel like crying for no particular reason at all and there are also chemical reasons why a boy can feel sad but somehow, strangely unable to translate that into crying. It doesn't even have anything to do with societal pressure on them not to cry.

I wonder what that is all about. Surely it's not any one chemical that makes you cry, or even allows you to cry. Maybe -- and this is my flimsy hypothesis -- maybe testosterone suppresses that impulse, which would otherwise be fairly fundamental. I have always wondered why my girlfriends (and also girl friends) cried when they were sad, or angry, or even sometimes orgasmic, and I only cried during movies. The fact that I know songs that never fail to make me cry and yet I have had grandparents that passed without a tear from me has made me feel cold and wrong-headed for a long time.

the feeling that there is no point in getting out of bed in the morning

Another confusing topic for me. I certainly know the feeling of believing there's no POINT in getting out of bed, but I have also very frequently been UNABLE to get out of bed. I used to think it was blood sugar, and that's still possibly a part of it, but lately I think it's all about dopamine levels. They seem to have their own schedules and rules. My doctor can't even begin to explain. The main thing that the meds I'm on do is to jack the fuck out of my dopamine levels, which oddly not only wakes me up much more quickly in the morning, but enables me to get better sleep. Dopamine is not only the chemical that seems most related to physical movement, but also to sleep paralysis and hard REM sleep. Nobody really knows exactly how it works, because it works in tandem with SO many other brain chemicals... anyway. It's hard fro me to know some mornings if I'm unmotivated andsad and my day seems hopeless, or if I really honestly just can't move.

There's a stress hormone that women generally have higher levels of, prolactin, which has been studied as an agent for easier tearing up. I don't know if there have been any definitive results, though.

I believe estrogen plays a role as well, if you don't mind me saying so. What I do know is that often on the last day of my testosterone cycle (i.e. when T is at its lowest point and conversely, estrogen at its highest) I have these sudden involuntary tics (or jerks, whatever) where I nearly burst out crying over nothing at all. Of course I suppress these tics when they happen and do not actually cry, but I find them very irritating because there is no logical reason behind them and because they remind me I'm transgendered. I've talked to transgendered folks who are going in the other direction than I am and I believe they've experienced something similar.

Also, I mean...there has to be a reason why my mom cried uncontrollably when she hit menopause. There was no real reason behind any of it, it was just...what was happening to her body.

But yes, in general, I believe testosterone acts as a suppressant to crying, as Kenan said.

I think progesterone is a more likely agent than estrogen, though mainly from personal experience - progesterone peaks every month before menstrual bleeding begins (the bleeding is actually caused by progesterone withdrawal), and that's when I'm most prone to both depression and unstoppable crying. It fits with your mom's experience too - menopause in many women is characterized by high progesterone levels that no longer drop off. But sadness is sadness and whether exacerbated by uncontrollable hormone fluctuations or not, it's rough when a person is that low.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, we're talking about this stuff, but really anybody can cry or not cry and it may have nothing to do with hormones, sure. I don't know much about progesterone. I guess a Male-To-Female transperson would know more about that. I really don't remember what it was like emotionally when I had periods either, for some reason (though I certainly remember the physical pain). So yeah, thanks for contributing that bit of information, I didn't know that.

Ever since having kids, I'm much more prone to crying. The other day I cried after reading a baby having been beaten to death by her caretaker. I would always have been sad, but now I just started weeping. (Yes, I know it's also becauseI have kids, I know what loss the parent must have experienced. But still...)

Now that I am older I am around kids more. Male or female, when you see kids cry you want to cry too. When I was a kid, I used to tell crying people to quit whining. Maybe I should be sorry I did that and this is just karma for being lacking in compassion all these years.

The problem is, there are so many different kinds of sadness, and though they may present as similar in aspect, they have totally different causes and *feel* different.

The WAAAAAAHHH EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG wail of pre-menstrual tension is different from the JUST. WANT. TO DIE. NOW. stabbing headache of the depressive cycle of depression is different from the EVERYTHING IS JUST POINTLESS blanket misery of being unhappy.

isn't crying supposed to purge the body of certain chemicals (neurotransmitters?) so that you feel better when it's over? Remember reading something to that effect.

Bimble, I hope you don't think me rude for bringing this up - no offense is intended - I had no idea you were transgender. F to M? That's really kinda amazing. Huge respect to you.

Yes, that's right, Kate. I never really know who's gotten that bit of information here and who hasn't. And I guess that's for the best. I know there are bound to be some folks here who'd like to kill me for it, so I try not to pay too much attention to it all. I do like you though, especially because I think our posting styles are actually quite similar at times.

I know there are bound to be some folks here who'd like to kill me for it,

Excuse me, unless you have specific names and claims, this is an ugly slanderous generalization to throw out there.

You mean, when we're drunk, Bimble? ;-)

(sorry, I've been hitting the Sailor Jerry while I paint.)

I'd like to think that ILX is more open minded than that, but hey, I am kinda sick of being surprised by people.

sad in a resigned and subtle way

a sad of weariness

Oh Bimble, sorry to bring it up if you wanted it on the d/l but knowing you are f2m makes me love you like 10x more.

sublimate your mood thru a soothing keytar melody, abbott

Abbott, i send you a spark of sunshine!

also elmo, lovin your username. she will be performing at my place of work this year!

I know there are bound to be some folks here who'd like to kill me for it, so I try not to pay too much attention to it all.

Really? This seems like a pretty come-as-your-are type of place to me ... but then again, I operate at the margins somewhat, so maybe I am unaware?

it's been a sad June

sux 2 b u all

It has been a somewhat grim June.

on the KIP side, mostly dope weather and i have a stupidly easy life a lot of the time

progesterone peaks every month before menstrual bleeding begins (the bleeding is actually caused by progesterone withdrawal), and that's when I'm most prone to both depression and unstoppable crying.

I think I'm weird because I'm always pretty energetic and sociable just before, but get depressed and angry right after.

This week has been the vicious cycle of "my life is pointless, everything I do is pointless, I don't want to do anything, so I do nothing, and the doing nothing reinforces the pointlessness of my life, etc."

^ The absolute worst.

http://api.ning.com/files/7-rD7DWxX8GYbD2WCU-f5KwwoZ08XcIw2AIgTIeqAiliOBGOWYdTID1DySYYdo81HJi9dQigxTBzGpKhwFODJK-*tv0DDaLs/worlds_saddest_dog_04.jpg

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH there he is!! Pugs are my favorite dogs and that pug is my all-time favorite pug ∴ that dog is my all-time favorite dog.

I want to pet him and give him treats so that he is not so sad anymore.

ps - I'm sorry if you are actually sad and not just here to post a picture of the world's most awesome dog.

Is he wearing some kind of sweater?

YES HE IS. Oh god - there is an entire flickr set of him and each picture is cuter than the one before it. Will see if I can find it.

http://kingkongdoctor.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/pp30340sad-puppy-posters.jpg

awwwwwwwww

I can't find the flickr set but seriously . . .

http://kecute.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/cute-dog.jpg?w=350&h=475

http://freakymartin.com/nitro/fishki/4789e09a94832002_pesik.jpghttp://freakymartin.com/nitro/fishki/4789e09a75422001_pesik.jpg

Guys he's so sad. He is breaking my heart.

Thanks ENBB. A little of both. Hopefully getting out this weekend will bring some cheer.

Yes hopefully it will. :-)

awwww, the one where he's looking up is making me sniffle.

I know! He's just . . . gah. I love that damn dog so much.

Painfully sad...don't think I'm gonna post here for a while. Have fun guys. All best.

we'll miss ya ...

abbott! :[ u can always email/IM me if you want to chat

Abbott! Now we're all sad :-(

That dog is posing. Look at that expensive sweater he has on. You want to see a sad dog, go to a shelter. Snookums may have been left all alone, but it's more likely the owner is trying to get their dog into modeling. That dog is eating premium dog dinner every night.

Take care, Abbott -- it will get better!

Abbott take care of yourself please. Let me know if you need anything - you can mail me or IM me any time.

hope you feel better abbott, and you're back whenever you feel ready.

Best wishes, Abbott.

I was looking for a thread like this earlier today. Don't want to hijack your sadness, just...I feel you, Abbott.

good luck, abbott!

Fuck that shit, at least that dog has new clothes.
He probably doesn't have to worry about rent either. Fucking trendy pugs always bein' on trustfunds.
Now show me a wet rat terrier and that is a dog that has some hard luck.

((Abbotts gone into power down mode... she's not going to do anything drastic.)

just get her to watch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

ask her if she has any grapes

Sad is your fiancee having a mental break down, breaking up with you via email, and then her getting much worse with nothing you can do.

there are other sads

Sad loris.

(Still loves getting tickled)

I had a dream about a fabulous cell phone that was a wooden banana with elaborate silver framing and woke up with a sore throat. Yesterday felt like an out-of-body experience driven out of my body by crying. And I woke up glued to the sheets with sweat. I stepped on a cockroach but it wasn't a cockroach, it was a gorgeous brown beetle with feather antennae and delicate cream stripes.

This is all too weird to stay depressed.

thats the spirit! go abbott!

The spirit is 'live in a waking dream against your will'

i like waking dreams

uuuugh
I tried looking through the flattering pictures of tennis players thread, I tried looking through the unflattering pictures of tennis players thread. The fact remains I'm listening to sad motherfucker music and the red wine is taking effect. I was accosted not once but twice at the store today while picking up the red wine, both times stuff like "hey white boy, you don't belong here", shit like that. I've been trying to embrace the attitude where you put on peppy music and suspend reality for a few hours and pretend everything's okaydoodle, but some days you just have to let it hit the bottom again, start again tomorrow. Thanks for the bookmark Abbott

don't slip into the vin triste, mon ami

don't be sad

Regardless, I've gotta be up and at'em for a hard day's work of CONTRACT MANAGEMENT.

I remember when I was 8, winning the wishbone and thinking to myself "god, if you exist, please let me do contract management when I get older." Turns out there IS a god

haha, sorry. I should try to take a positive outlook on this. My job is totally meaningless. But last time that happened, somewhere in the dirge of an 8-hour data entry day I really got motivated to go to graduate school and go for something cared about. Next job I go for, I'm going to ensure that it's something that will actually make a difference.

monday nites of long weekends are pretty tough tbh.

have a sweet day at work tomorrow my dude, whatever that entails.

i wd kill to manage a contract right now tbh

I would too, but then the guilt, and so maybe it wouldn't after all be worth it.

you guys your well wishes and subtle lols are really ruining my bad mood, please keep it up :)

i was being serious though, is that ok?

where do you live? I'm intrigued by the racially charged hostility you encountered at the liquor store.

DC. Not a liqour store, just a Safeway. Which pretty much functions as the wine/beer store for me since there isn't another one around.

white people aren't welcome in your safeway? i'm intrigued too

i go to safeway too. sometimes i am the only white person there but i am never made to feel unwelcome at safeway.

I'm from DC. Where in DC? U street safeway?

Yeah, it's not typical. It was just dudes roaming the parking lot, one before shopping and one after. Sometimes when it rains it pours.

Takoma Park safeway on Piney Branch

you should say something like, "what this safeway doesn't have any crackers?"

that would be funny.

lol

what is contract management exactly?

z maybe we could have an all-maryland fap someday. no dc people allowed though

Contract management

http://www.ncmahq.org/files/BannerAds/banner1.jpg

"business success through contract management excellence"

And you implied that your job is somehow void of passion.

no really

I can only speak in terms of contracts relating to the government. Basically whenever the govt. wants to outsource something (and nowadays, they outsource fucking EVERYTHING, from soldiering to cleaning the toilets to IT stuff), some poor schlump has to write up a technical proposal, get the contractor's counterproposal, write up a budget, conditions that must be met, on and on. Then, once the contract is signed and everything, the same poor sadbutt(<<this is me, btw) has to monitor the contractor and make sure they're doing what they're supposed to, deliverables are delivered on time, etc. Trust me, it's a fucking BLAST.

The icing on the cake is that when you get hired, or at least when I got hired, they don't mention anything about working with contracts. Then, sometime in the second week they're like "oh btw, you have to manage the contract for OAP Corp. Ltd. Fund Bros, sorry, it's gonna eat up most of your time now, you got punk'd lol!"

The NCMA website has a "member's only" section. Hot contract management action.

did you go to graduate school for this? like business school or something? it sounds kinda hard.

z maybe we could have an all-maryland fap someday. no dc people allowed though

That sounds GREAT. Although I wouldn't mind including DC people (or Baltimore peeps too, for that matter).

Wiki on contract management:

Contract management or contract administration is the management of contracts made with customers, vendors, partners, or employees. Contract management includes negotiating the terms and conditions in contracts and ensuring compliance with the terms and conditions, as well as documenting and agreeing any changes that may arise during its implementation or execution. It can be summarized as the process of systematically and efficiently managing contract creating, execution, and analysis for the purpose of maximizing financial and operational performance and minimizing risk.

Actually, it sounds like it might be interesting. A little bloodless, I guess, but interesting.

did you go to graduate school for this? like business school or something? it sounds kinda hard.

I went to graduate school for environmental policy. I really want to work with energy/electricity/utilities/energy efficiency/climate. Any and/or all of that. For some reason I thought that at the environmental protection agency I'd be able to do something related to the environment. Somehow I ended up in a Brazil-esque division that really has nothing to do with the environment. I mean, the dataflows we manage are environmental in nature, but to be honest they could be statistics on coat hanger production and the basic job would be exactly the same. It's my fault for taking the job, but I really needed to land something quick to pay the bills.

I also think it sounds potentially interesting, especially if you were working in an interesting area of government.

It could be valuable experience for a job at the GAO or someplace like that. Insider knowledge for government watchdogs and auditors.

Is it easier to land interesting government jobs from inside the government, or does having your foot in the door make no real difference?

That sounds GREAT. Although I wouldn't mind including DC people (or Baltimore peeps too, for that matter).

― Internet! (Z S), Monday, September 7, 2009 9:28 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ok they can come too. i live in baltimore for the past 3 months btw

i'm not gonna try to convince you that your job is interesting if you don't think it is Z S but at least you're not a high school teacher

yeah i would think it was interesting just because i like boring stuff and i need a job

IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER, and I like my job just fine.

I guess it would be interesting for some people. Maybe it's more exciting in other divisions. The contract I'm "managing" is depressing. The first day I talked to my boss, he's like "yeah so we're giving you a contract that's being phased out over the next two years. We're cutting your budget by 3/4, just keeping the basics of it going until we can replace it with something better. Any questions?"

Is it easier to land interesting government jobs from inside the government, or does having your foot in the door make no real difference?

Way easier, which is how I justified taking the job. There are lots of jobs that are only advertised internally, and preference is given to current govt. employees. And plus you can always take an elevator up a floor to the division that's hiring and say hello and introduce yourself, which helps. Unfortunately I have to serve out a two year term as part of my hiring process, so I'm stuck in hell for months and months to come.

Mainly I'm just worried about someone finding out that I spend 75% of my working day browsing NYT, political and energy blogs.

Harbl, I thought you were an attorney in a Public Defender's Office. Is my memory misfiring?

at least the reading's topical

xpost i'm a high school teacher too and i've been finding it extremely dreary lately

I was reading an article on the NYT the other day titled something like "What do you do if your coworker is slacking off?" and my first thought was "oh shit, that might be me"

daniel esq i don't know how you would know that but i am not a real lawyer yet. i have worked in a bunch of different pd's offices though.

Only way I would know that is by reading it on/inferring it from ILX threads.

"I see your posts on law-related threads," is a better way of putting it.

oh sorry i didn't mean that to sound like i was saying you're crepey haha

No worries. OTOH, I haven't been called crepey on ILX yet, and I aim to keep it that way.

you work in a PD office, everybody around you is creepy.

I have friends in the State Attorney's Office and the Public Defender's Office; it's difficult work.

gotta wait for bar results to come in so i'll be temping or something for a while

i'm not gonna try to convince you that your job is interesting if you don't think it is Z S but at least you're not a high school teacher

― moonship journey to baja, Tuesday, 8 September 2009 01:35 (14 minutes ago)

Aw, that's what I'm going to school to be.

I'm going to school to be ZS. abbottron3k @ zsu.edu

are you serious? TURN BACK

wait, sorry. what's the phrase? I am 3 sheets to the wind, or whatever

For a second I thought you were going to school for contracting, but I know you're teaching biology so contract work probably isn't your main focus!

No I am going to school to figure out how to be an awesome blonde dude who makes animated gifs & has cool kittens.

And then graduate in third place.

At the graduation ceremony the parents would sit awkwardly together and avoid eye contact

ok they can come too. i live in baltimore for the past 3 months btw

― harbl, Monday, September 7, 2009 9:33 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

harbl are you going to any of high zero this year? say hi and introduce yourself if you are, I'm going to it most nights

ZS you should come up to Bmore too! lose the DC blues / travel is broadening

I don't have a car, but if I can convince my gf to go that sounds really fun. This has been a really lonely labor day weekend, since she's been home in MO for a funeral all week and I don't know too many people in DC yet. Getting out of town sounds so good right now.

What a crummy weekend!

That was probably the cause of me being bummed as hell all weekend, definitely. But I feel like in the past I would just get incredibly wasted and do creative projects all weekend to pass the time. This time I ended up just sitting here, literally staring at the wall. Before, I would say things like "how can you be bored? There's so much to learn?", this weekend I would have said "derrrrr"

I have watched a lot of Antiques Roadshow, though, so it hasn't been all that bad

Hey at least you guys had a holiday, you... guys.

I don't complain when you guys have Prawn Day.

nobody is sad on prawn day!

i'd like to get out of DC but now i don't have a job, so i can't afford to leave, but i also can't afford to stay. SO BUMMED, for real

#4 result for 'prawn animated gif' in google is headlined 'king sized prawn penis'

do not want

We have a prawn day? WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS DAY.

#4 result for 'prawn animated gif' in google is headlined 'king sized prawn penis'

nice to see my work is climbing the charts

i make every day a prawn day

I don't want no prawn cake on my birthday I want my prawn cake erryday

BTW I would have all this Abbotts and Zacs over for prawn BBQ happytimes at my place yr welcome x

hey the fuckin hey, i (me) started this thread & now here i am 1,00,000 years later in approx the same situ. except worse. life's awesome!!

i shan't let it bring me down

1,00,000 isnt a real number, you know that

hey man andrew l here, great to see you back, soz to hear you're sad :-(

except this time it's springtime

oh hi, how you. actcuually i wouldnt describe me as sad, its sorta good, im gettin out of a fucked up thing & it'll take time & $$$$ but its great

GREAT

Postive Mental Attitude

yeah

ok i gotta go smoke cigarettes

Think of butterflys

― Mike Hanley, Wednesday, July 18, 2001 8:00 PM (8 years ago)

sadbbott

Abbott - the dvd came in the mail today ... will try to get your copy off in the next day or two.

yr a sweetie

Is anyone else in this bitch having a bad time of it lately? I mean, maybe I'm paying too much attention to the news, or maybe I'm working too hard or not taking care of myself well enough, but man...the last three months have been an absolute BEAR.

Like, so much so that I really just want to go to bed, and wake up 6 months from now after I've done all the work I need to do between now and then.

UGH. SO just...overwhelming.

feeling you on this one,bro.

definitely. i feel very overwhelmed and frustrated.

it might help to not think in terms of what needs to be done 6 months ago and maybe set smaller goals achievable in shorter increments. more encouraging.

I have been dealt stress event after stress event lately and I've been fighting the blues like a sonovabitch.

it might help to not think in terms of what needs to be done 6 months ago and maybe set smaller goals achievable in shorter increments. more encouraging.

See, this is totally true. And, on a day to day, I'm pretty successful. Work is going pretty well, I'm losing weight healthily, I've quit smoking (over 5 weeks) ... but man, I just need a few days where I don't have to think about shit and don't have to do shit, and am just left the fuck alone.

And this is VERY odd for me, b/c I tend to be a pretty social, outgoing guy who thrives on social contact.

I'm feeling like my own worst enemy at the moment, perpetuating the very things that are making me feel so depressed, but somehow that's easier than making a break away from them.

It's like I can't make changes at a sensible point, but have to let things slide all the way into a dreadful crisis where something cracks right at the very bottom of it all.

Ooh I'd love to wake up six months later: I so badly want to avoid my driving exam, I get mad crazy anxiety attacks just thinking about setting a date. My friend advised me to take some herbs (no, not weed) like Valeriaan but I'm afraid nothing will help me to relax. Also I think I'm doing way too fucking much which is tiring me the fuck out and results in me feeling very MEH (and in the long run will result in burn out yet again).

I'm feeling like my own worst enemy at the moment, perpetuating the very things that are making me feel so depresse

You just spoke my mind, man. I'm going through some extremely grave crises of faith and self-worth at the moment for reasons I don't wanna go into (though its partly just to do with aging, I guess). I've also had poor health and its all my fault, and I'm just fed up with feeling like everything is a battle instead of a beauty.

'm just fed up with feeling like everything is a battle instead of a beauty.

Goddamnit, this.

I'm feeling like my own worst enemy at the moment

Feeling this too atm.

and me too.

I'd say "fuck you DC", since I've been feeling this way since I moved to this town a few months ago, or "fuck you job" for the same reason, but in the end I have to say "fuck you getting older and having all my friends spread out across the country", because that's really what it is. All of my closest friends are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

Ah the close friends being thousands of miles away sucks Z S. I've dealt with that for years now and it's just really tough. I'm sort of used to it but it still sucks. I'm sorry you're experiencing that too.

Damn. We're all feeling this, too. Its to the point where one of my family or friends says "I miss you," and I'm reduced to a sad ball of bummer.

Ugh.

I'm just tired of always being unwell, and... other stuff.

long time sad bastard here; won't go into details except to say not being able to get health insurance is pretty uncool

anyway, here's a photo of pears shaped like buddhas (kinda cheered me up)

http://whatimg.com/images/54652288986724905949.jpg

damn pear buddhas

http://whatimg.com/images/54652288986724905949.jpg

fuck it i give up

what is it the time of year to mope? i have this sadness thing too.
you skel: this?
http://mutateweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/buddhapears.jpg

in the end I have to say "fuck you getting older and having all my friends spread out across the country", because that's really what it is. All of my closest friends are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

yeah :(

yeah ;_;

also, newsflash, taking care of a depressed person for 15 years is a good way to become one.

Hugs all round, my sombre peeps x

multiple xpost: that's them, but i had a different pic! thx!

i'm sad that i may have to change my display name already

there we go

I'm going through some extremely grave crises of faith and self-worth . . . (partly just to do with aging, I guess).

I understand. I've felt the same way, on-and-off, since I turned 40 last year.

Yeah I'm 38, and starting to feel less healthy and... I dont know. With it? It doesn't help I have a much younger partner. It sometimes just makes me even more self conscious. Oh well, bed, lie in it, etc.

I'm finding that procrastination + laziness + low self-esteem all just happily feed on each other and leave me in this constant state of feeling like shit/beating myself up/can't be arsed to fix it. My sister wants to get Skype with a videocam so we can talk more often, the video cam my nephews can see me and not forget who I am...but I have told so many friends that I won't do videocam...and this is so shit, but the reason is I don't want everyone to stare at me and see how badly i've let myself go. And I should just say fuck it, who cares, but I do care...but I'll still happily sit on my arse and feel like I've earned the right to do sweet FA...and I'm just sad. Because I don't really talk about this to anyone. Years are literally whizzing by me and...gah. This is the sad thread, not the whine thread. I need to shut up.

n the end I have to say "fuck you getting older and having all my friends spread out across the country", because that's really what it is. All of my closest friends are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

yeah :(

― holosystolic murmur and the thrill (gbx), Friday, September 25, 2009 8:33 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

yeah x2 :o(

its a bummer :(

and you forget how hard it is to make new friends. i mean, it took me my whole life to gather up the excellent group of friends that I left behind...it's taken 7 years to establish that there's one chick I work with who is actually an actual captial F friend. My husband has seen many many great floods of tears from me over the fact that so many people are so superficially nice but not actually friendly. It's like reliving my childhood all over again.

stop bummin me out

xpost

for real. Only instead of 7 years it's only taken a few months.

Be a nazi about friends.

And a kitty cat too.

sorry...again, don't really talk about this much so it comes in a big flood.

this will sound like a cheesy 'make lemonade' 180, but the thing I have found in the past 6 months that really, really makes that distance between me and my friends so much less is, dare I say it, Facebook. My brother and sister are both on there, and some of my best friends in the world, who sometimes late at night I can chat back and forth with on FB and kind of 'find myself' again. i also managed to find the phone number of my oldest and best friend who moved...we ended up doing a party line together with another super-close friend, and honestly, that 45 minutes was like I'd jumped in a teleporter and been whisked back home. You just have to find a way to have those moments with the people you miss, to remember not only them but who YOU were before you left them, and hone in on that to get yourself out of the sads. I mean, if distance from your friends/homesickness is really bringing you down.

Z S, being in a city people become really competitive about friends, don't they? And it's like, if you like someone and have a lot in common with you, they might not give a shit because they say to themselves, "I've got millions of people to choose from. I don't need this guy." And so: superficial friendships.

That's good. Your prior two posts struck a nerve with me, so I'm glad you came back to report some good times, too. Things will be okay. There are (usually) many reasons to be hopeful.

(xp to VG)

(Sorry; Re-read my post and didn't mean to come off condescending (if that's how it sounded). I should have said, "I hope things will be okay.")

A girl I once loved is now pregnant with her new boyfriend. I should be happy for her right. I'm not. Not at all. I've been upset about it for a week now. I will see her on aim, and think, I'll send her this new album I just found, or tell her about this or that. But No She's pregnant!

Have you talked to her at all since you found out? I mean, did you find out from her?

xpost No, you came through loud and clear :)

And xxpost: yeah Z S, bamquern is 100% otm. It took me a long time to realize that I was 100% more needy in the friendship department than the people I was trying to be friends with, and they would break plans like it ain't no thang and I would lose my shit. For a long time I didn't lose my shit at them, just lost it on my own or ranting to my husband on the drive home from work. But I found that it can help to tell people that's where you're at. I mean, you should only tell the people you think can take that info and do something good with it...hard to do it succinctly though, and the tip is not to come across like a total Dr Phil basketcase, but I found once the key people I was trying to connect with KNEW where I was at, they were easier to...befriend. I guess.

Of all things she could've done, getting pregnant? It's so final, so life changing. And includes me in absolutely no way.

Yeah, I don't know...I'm in the "more the merrier" school of friend accumulation, and right now things are not so merry.
sadtrombone.com

The big thing affecting my lack of real friends right now is that most of the people I work with are 20 years older than me or more. And all I do is go to work, pretty much, so that's where my pool of potential friends is at for now. And of course I don't mind hanging ten with people older than me, but there is a sort of gap that makes things difficult.

Well, a new situation might mean a different approach. I had a lot of friends back in Australia, quite comfy circle. Now I have a circle of two: my husband and this other girl I've gotten tight with. The thing is not to focus on the lack. Focus on the quality. Dont' try to recreate your circle, because you will undo yourself with sadness and disappointment going that route.

yeah, missing my friends too :( it's hard when you're no longer sharing a house/working with cool people/etc.. oh, and i feel like i'm kinda cynical about ppl too, like "gahh is this person gonna be worth the effort or are they just gonna be a douche" because my friends and me have a great understanding of each, of our particular kind of friendship, in which we don't get catty if we take ages to get back to each other, or are too busy with stuff to hang out. so i accept i have made little effort to make new friends, but i just wish i could have all my current ones here with me.

the other thing that gives me the sadz: the feeling that my life is my boring job and that everything else is marginal.

The other big factor is that for my entire life I made friends by meeting people through good friends that I already had. That worked for a long time, until I went to grad school, and now moved to DC. In both cases I know absolutely no one. Turns out I'm not so good at making friends "cold". Don't get me wrong, I'm doing what I can; I'm making an effort to try to hang out with the one new dude at work who isn't a nervous wreck or uptight as hell. But all I really want is to be sitting around my house and then someone just drops by and hangs out. Or vice versa. That level of casualness is totally missing now. It sucks to have to make "friend dates".

as a side note good LORD Smokey Robinson looks insane now.

I was gonna xpost but I guess this applies to you too, just1n3:

Accept the 'surface' friends as they come, take what enjoyment they give you and let yourself not require anything more than that of them. That'll help some of the loneliness. The trick is to focus on what you do have, and what you are getting, than only seeing what's missing. I'm sure you're still seeing dotted outlines of the spaces where your friends should be, I know I did that for a long time...but you know that they would not want you to replace them. They still want to be friends too. So now you get new, different, other friends. Not as many. Not as quickly. But you'll get em.

I work for a major oil company, that just about narrows my friends at work to zero. These are good ole boys who hunt, drive big trucks, and dip chewing tobacco. I don't know how I cope with it. All of my friends are in austin or new york, while I'm, working in the south, soon to be Georgia. I try to go out to these run down honky tonks, but really I can't talk to these people about anything serious. My friend that is now pregnant was the gem I found amongst all of the duds. Red wine, my records, and movies help to some extent. And there lilly my cat.

Last, depressing point I'll make - Over and over the past few months I've had this horrible feeling about going to grad school and getting a "real" job. I honestly don't care about money at all. I was way happier back in the day when I was working as a sales clerk at a crappy cd store for $7 an hour and kickin' it every night with all my best friends. Then I went to grad school and accumulated so much debt that now I HAVE to work a "real" job that I hate. The nagging horrible feeling has been "I made a terrible mistake and now I can't turn back"

My real job has removed me completely from everything I loved. The money is great, but I can;t tell if I'm living. I understand exactly what you mean. I chose this work for the money and out of and nagging feeling that I needed to grow up and get a real job. But I was much happier djing and working odd jods.

I chose my field of study because I thought I'd be able to make a real, positive difference in people's lives, and knowing that I might have to make some horrible trade-offs (moving far away from friends, having to wear dress shoes every day and be in meetings and pretend that I'm serious about everything when I'm just a goofball for the most part), but that it would be worth it. But then I didn't manage to land a job that is satisfying....WHOOPS

xpost to vegemitegrrrl - yeah, I hear you about making friends, eventually. I know I will with time. The tough part is trying not to lose my mind in the meantime!

Well, look, on the job thing.... I left my family and friends to get married, and took the first job I could find because I was going to get deported without one. That was my 'transition' job...til I got something that I really wanted to do. Reality is, I'm still doing that 'transition' job, 7 years later.

It's not always a bad situation. It feels bad, it feels like you're letting your team down, but if you can make some scratch and maybe get to do some things you enjoy, or find something outside of work to feed the talents you may have left 'dangling'...that can be a good way around it. If you're 100% hating it, you can do something else. It's not easy, and changing direction's often a big undertaking...but you're not always as trapped as you feel. You just have to stop staring at the walls and find a window. or something. ugh. I should write greeting cards, sheesh.

I don't hate my job, I enjoy the actual work part of it. It's my surroundings that get me down from time to time. Though recently I've been thinking of going back to school.

I moved to where I live 17 yeears ago - I'm about 900kms interstate from my whole family, so I have no family support at all in the practical sense. I'm used to it now, and I have a network of friends here now but it's taken time and people have come and gone. Whats making me sad is seeing my partner, who moved here from perth 2 years ago (not to be with me - that was a nice bonus) now feeling a bit bereft and lacking friends and missing his mates back in perth. It makes me feel really really useless, like I'm not enough? :/ Argh shut up me.

ZS, not many folks post on the DC threads, but are any of the folks who post on the capital swamp thread (on ilx) or the Brad Pitt DC (ILE) thread in your age range? I'm old

xpost. Aw Trayce. It kills me that you feel that way...especially because in my own sweptupedness of 'oh woe I moved away and left my family and friends behind', I hadn't ever given a whole lot of thought as to how my feeling that way might reflect back on Mr Veg. That's some heavy stuff you're laying down there. I don't know what to say, but you know...it might sound weird to say it but I think it's a good person who feels that so deeply for him. I'm sure he knows how lucky he is to be in Melb with you.

also: hugs?

Aw thanks VG, you're good people - from some of what you've said it seems like we had a simlar daggy aussie childhood =)

I'll drink to that!! Maggoty garbage and dead cows ahoy ...

yeah trayce: my husband gets super sad when i moan how much i miss home/my friends/etc. but obv there's nowhere i would rather be than with him. i mean, yes i love and miss my friends, but he's my best mate and i never get sick of his company and let's be real: if i missed my friends that much, i could always move back to nz!

Well that makes me feel a bit better guize, ta :) I feel bad - he's younger than me and he's stoked for the madness of gigging and being in bands and whatnot and lol, I dont feel like I can keep up like I used to hahaha. Pathetic innit.

Am I really sitting here staring at the Christmas tree, listening to music of the genre "modern classical", half drunk with watery eyes by myself?

I've been trying to make an effort to be more active the past few months, and get myself back into some creative projects like I used to spend all my time by default (fuckin' stupid santa is god wiped out my sunday, and at the time I felt like I was actually waking up from some weird slumber. And I've been working with an environmental task force at my city council on wednesdays, which has been nice while everyone's not screaming at each other). But the second I turn on the news it all just comes back. Climate scandal, emails CRU "some say a conspiracy" on and on and on for 5 minutes, then a buried "of course it's true that none of this affects the underlying science, BUT-", then a story about Tiger Woods hot on the heels. Fuck off Charlie Gibson, I hope Edward Murrow finds you in the imaginary spirit netherworld and rips your arms off. And Ben Nelson. BEN NELSON.

I feel like pulling a Horrible WashPo Article About TARP Guy Who moves to N. California and Builds a Shed, and I wasn't even charge of $700 billion.

So in this whiny moment I can only hope that maybe everyone will pitch in and help me post some uplifting pictures

http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/footprints424.jpg

I'm sad too! But this thread makes everybody happier: feats of dexterity and technical prowess that make you feel awed and inadequate

Also, Santa Is God was an A+++++++ piece of work and you have the cuetest of gfs and nobody has anything but warmth for ya, also Copenhagen will produce results! Believe! I'm going to be going to my local climate demonstration over the next couple of days and will try to post pics here! :)

sheesh LJ,you sure know how to bust out the nice comments, thanks!
And def post those pics here (or over on the energy thread or the "question about global warming thread", I'd love to see'em

Here's some stuff other people have already done!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewylsFZHnZ4

OK, eat my lens

http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs031.snc3/11839_652922755770_36910239_41585912_6976107_n.jpg

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs011.snc3/11839_652922770740_36910239_41585915_7183093_n.jpg

http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs031.snc3/11839_652922785710_36910239_41585918_7396876_n.jpg

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs011.snc3/11839_652922805670_36910239_41585922_6875138_n.jpg

http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs011.snc3/11839_652922810660_36910239_41585923_2072909_n.jpg

http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs031.snc3/11839_652922815650_36910239_41585924_3835492_n.jpg

http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs031.snc3/11839_652922820640_36910239_41585925_5537458_n.jpg

feel better this song is stuck in my head

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6-t16lzOb0

I've been working on my undergrad so long I make Sarah Palin look like Doogie Howser. I don't like anything I do. I miss my dog and still cry about him every day. I feel like it's my fault he died & the guilt is killing me. I'm putting weight on for no discernible reason. I puke every couple days for no discernible reason. I spill and break everything. I cry at the drop of a hat.

All this shit wld make sense if I was pregnant but I'm not (keep taking those at-home tests bcz all the symptoms just line up so much in favor of babby, but alwaqys neg neg neg).

Well, you don't drink (anymore?) and you don't smoke, so if you ARE pregnant, you'll find out eventually and probably be no worse for wear.

Actually I should have phrased that as a question, because I have no idea what other things are in your life, like meds or reasons you shouldn't have/didn't want babby or wahtever.

I wonder how much sad/depressed brain is like pregnancy/baby brain. A number of my friends have recently just had babies and they talk about this distracted mental state they have that in some ways is similar.

Abbie, dear, you're grieving for your dog. It's okay. You get to do that, even if it makes you start crying in public or something. Fuck the public, they're YOUR feelings. They're valid, and you're okay.

Do try not to bleed it over into already-fragile self-esteem? It's not good for you, doll.

Ha no meds but I do drink a lot lately. My abdomen was just kicking with pain for no reason on Thursday & part of me was trying to convince myself it's an ectopic pregnancy I just know it. That was just one day though.

I miss my dog and still cry about him every day.

That's totally understandable. Our dog is almost 10, and she's been slowing down a lot over the past few years. I think my daughter will totally go to pieces when Josie (our dog) passes away.

i quit drinking this summer and i still get "sad" all the time, but instead of trying to escape with alcohol, i'm left with it staring me in the face, and now i stare back, you know? i mean, there's always a reason, and even if you don't feel like you can do anything about it, you can at the very least figure out why and stare back, let it move through you or whatever. and seriously, get some exercise, like more than a walk. that alone kept me from going completely insane earlier this year.

seriously just so bad right now ftw

aw hugs to abbott and sunny and ZS and other saddies of ilx. It *is* the darkest day of the year, y'know, so we can probably all use a break!

awww sunny :(

Sunny, is it baby blues or post-partum? If it's really bad, check with a doctor. Having two kids is extremely tiring. It fucks up your mind (and body) completely. Hugs. You know where to find me if you wanna talk!

Abbott, let it not be an ectopic pregnancy. Friend of ours just had one. :-(

internet hugz to the saddies whose sadness is augmented by the 1.2 hours of sunshine today.

internet shovez to mongrels and sheepfuxors in their 22.8 hours of sunshine

deep breathing

abbott please dont end up being one of those chicks on 'i didnt know i was pregnant!'

nath, there have been complications with the c-section so instead of speanding maternity leave enjoying Herny im spending it planning surgeries, crying and watching freaking dr oz.

awww 'herny'

nath, there have been complications with the c-section so instead of speanding maternity leave enjoying Herny im spending it planning surgeries, crying and watching freaking dr oz.

That's terrible. My friend also had complications from her c-section and was in pain for a while afterwards, she needed a lot of friends and family to help out because she wasn't in any condition to care for the baby. Do you have people that can offer help?

Nope. Zip. Seriously wanting to be back in australia right now

v. sorry ss <3

thanks, dudes. really i just need to snap out of it. go punch the shit out of one of those blow up clowns or something.

I'm in the saddo club too. Much love to everyone having an Eeyore moment, or year.

srsly sunny, if i cld fly over and help you out, i would. hugs and LOTS of it. i know it's easy for me to say these words - fuck, i close my laptop and that's that - but i really fucking mean it. i wish i could srsly help you out.
is it a solvable problem (if i'm allowed to ask) and how long is this shit planned? i mean, when will it be over? (sorry if i sound incoherent or just dumb, rambling and tired.)

Matt, can i drag you out of your Cave? *hugs* to you too.

And everyone else. Life's a bitch sometimes.

aw sunny :(

Aw sunny sorry abt yr body. I hope things patch up asap.

I finally had my period yesterday *relief* and thank god.

Wld buy a round of alcohol and/or massages for all my sad people.

Sunny, I wish I knew something I could do to help. I hope you start feeling better soon.

I posted to the Holiday Blues thread earlier today so I def know how shitty this can feel esp at this time of year. Hope every feels better soon.

GUYS CAN WE DO A GROUP HUG?

http://d21c.com/jinnytoo/cats/cat.hug.jpg

Broke my right arm in a bike fall on ice last night. I'm right-handed, so unpleasantly incapacitated. Being off work for several weeks is going to make things financially difficult too.

wow that sucks :(

pp called my doc and got me some percocet so im temporarily happy again. surgery in 7 days though. blah.

Oh Sunny, I'm sorry. :-( Hopefully the percocet will help in th meantime and the surgery won't be to bad.

I'm sad because someone I care about has let me down. It's not the first time and I'm not entirely sure why. Mostly I'm just mad at myself for thinking that they wouldn't do this again. Bah. I feel like a complete idiot for thinking that they cared enough about me as a friend to not do so and keep wondering what I've done to make this happen. I feel like this has happened with a couple different people this year but this is def the worst time and keep blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently so that this didn't happen. I just feel like a complete idiot. A sad idiot.

...AND I WAS THAT FRIEND!

Actually I wasn't, but I've been like that to a couple people. ENBB I hope they feel as shitty as I do

aw :-( A part of me hopes they feel shitty too but mostly I just wish they wouldn't be so retarded and would just talk to me about the situation. I guess I just feel really fucking dumb for being so down and upset because of this and for all I know they couldn't give a shit. Bah. Tomorrow is a 1/2 day at work and I leave tomorrow night for a week and a half vacation during which I'll see a lot of ppl I haven't seen in a long time. The Christmas and my birthday. Those are reasons not to be sad and I'm trying to focus on them but it's tough.

"Then" Christmas

krakow, just think that if you were a tween or teenager, a broken arm would be something to be proud of
and you say you need money but it might be fun to get some time off of work

Aw man Krakow I didn't even see your post. That really really sucks. :-(

Aye, the time off work is the up side. I get to go back home for xmas now, when before i couldn't as I had to work boxing day, so that's really nice.

My work mates ever letting me forget putting them in the shit over xmas will be another matter entirely when i get back. I work in a very small shop, so my sudden disappearance means that the others will have to work extra to cover. Shit like that always makes me dreadfully guilty.

currently in self-destruct mode. i've wasted everything.

^^ this man is a liar

no you haven't.

Surely not...what's getting you down LJ?

buck up young man,

my cv will read: english lit graduate who has spent 2 years of his life getting sacked, being demonstrably ill at ease with both single and coupled romantic situations, dropping out of a highly prestigious course, and posting inane crap to the internet instead of reading books, writing stories or making music

will be employed by: nobody

tendency to wallow: fatal

conveniently i am in lj destruct mode

that is not as rare as you might think. I have a friend who dropped out of a prestigious english ph.d program two months in - she is now getting an MFA at an equally prestigious institution

dropping out of grad school is not really the equivalent of tearing both of your ACLs and developing a crippling alcohol addiction tbh

you are a swarthily handsome bright guy 15 years younger than me, who is more or less in the same situation.

you will be awesome and stop denying it just because you misread the catherine wheel poll

yeah dude withdrawing from grad school /= dropping out of college or something

that is not as rare as you might think

understatement of the decade already tbh. early 20's tend to be a lot of stuff not happening the way you thought it would, but it's not like this is just you LJ.

louis 18 months from now youre going to look back on this moment and "lol"--until then just make sure you are taking care of yourself

Was it a single class that you dropped out of, or an entire program?

Either way, what max said x100

dude srsly... quitting while you're ahead is not so bad. you could be like me w/ massive grad school debt and 0 employment options.

Max is pretty wise LJ. You should listen to him imo. Why? Because he's right.

dag ilx is so loving <3

i know it's not the end of the world but the course is something i know i can not only do but do well - i've been a mixture of lazy, unmotivated and outright hostile - i don't see why i need to do it to prove myself as a journalist, and i don't really see myself as a conventional journalist, but considering what i'm ostensibly capable of this feels like an enormous, crippling defeat

oh more xposts! and good ones. perspective-tastic ones. Z S it seems that tomorrow having not done the essay work and with no work placement i will have no choice but to quit my pricey MA program after 1 term (of 3). max i will be sure to lol. and tehresa i have felt your pain before and feel it again now - i return all the compliments i've received - i am 100% certain you'll land on your feet too

the plus side of this is that i've reached the point where the only way forward i can see is to form a band - which was the dream all along

xp stuff counts for you too tbh. stuff's never as bad as you think at the time.

may i suggest you start a diary

i did that once, it was horrendous and so self-absorbed

;-)

dude i've heard suzy knows some powerful people so

write a book from the POV of curbs during the top 7 years tbh

the slightly athletic

feel like someone should publish your review of blur's 13 for better or worse

i hear that the title's like half the work so hooray for you there

it's a pity my thread about godspeed you black emperor being paragons of instrumental music was in the sandbox

......yeeeessss, a... pity

that's better!

:-(

u ok?

Eh, yeah. I mean I will be. Just had a really really hard day at work and it's been testing my limits and causing me to do a lot of introspection lately. Just feeling a little down, missing some ppl and sorry for myself tbh. It'll pass but tonight is a little blah.

and my dog is being an asshole

Aw, Erica, do you wanna chats? I'm always up for chatting. Your job is really stressful & it's hard to get involved so emotionally in your kind of work. I know you'll be okay--just get some rest & take care of yerself imo.

this night is wack for me too. i keep trying to record and it's not coming out right, and i feel like my body is failing me. don't u hate that?

i'm sorry you're not happier with your job :( but maybe this introspection will prove worthwhile sooner than u know it

in the meantime this is for serenity, in case u need to look at something pretty

http://www.yuksel.ca/scenery/serene-lake-Louisbourg-NS.jpg

Also remember no matter what, you are the cosmos; you are the wind.

:D I'm OK. I am online if you get bored and want to chatz but I'm alright. Thank you!

Surm that pic is lovely.

holy hell.

maybe more overtired, overworked and frayed around the edges than "sad," but it feels like sadness.

If you are at all sad, it's a heck of a lot harder to keep it at bay when you're tired and frazzled. I hope you've had some rest since you posted, and are feeling better.

i now have at least a brief break in the pressure. no rest, though. i'll work on that tonight.

it's especially hard for me when i feel this way because it causes me to be testy with my wife/daughter (not too bad, mind you), and yet they're the two people i live for.

idk. just tired, i guess.

Make sure they know you're only testy b/c of the tired, and they'll cut you all the slack you need I'm sure. Line up some really solid r'n'r for as soon as possible and, idk what works for you but a hot bath and a lot of deep breathing work magic-like effects for me.

Things haven't been great for some time now, but it's been a particularly awful couple of days. This week is 4 years since my dad killed himself. Today is the anniversary of the day that we found his body. I feel so dreadfully alone and disconnected, even from my friends and family. Almost none of my friends know about what happened, because I'm not particularly close to anyone and so it's not something that I feel all that comfortable with talking about. It's not caused me so much upset the last few years, but what with feeling at a low and fragile myself, it's really been hitting me hard this time.

i'm so sorry to read about your dad.

hey krakow you should probably talk to somebody, like a professional

I know this won't help right this moment and I respect yr boundaries about whether or not to tell people stuff, but when you don't let anyone know that you're sad, or how sad you are, you take from them the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Maybe someone you don't feel that close to now could turn out to surprise you?

Thank you all - I posted here because I've come to know over the years that there are some really great people using these forums, and I felt safe & comfortable doing so and knew that there would be sympathetic eyes reading.

Ed III, I've been doing group therapy for the last year, which hasn't changed my world, but I'm taking it slowly and still have good hopes for, so I do have regular professional contact to try and help on that front.

Laurel, you're very much right - that's something I'm aware of, but it can be hard to take that leap with people. It's something that I'm trying to do. The fact that I'm not close to people is to do with me rather than my friends for the most part, by the way.

Well, you know, sometimes when not confiding in people is what you prefer, you choose your friends along the lines of people who won't miss it that you don't confide in them -- people who might like things a little lighter or with more distance between you than other people might find comforting. So I can understand if it's hard to pick someone from the current crop and imagine changing the nature of the friendship. But maybe a new friend or a new kind of friend could lighten this time for you?

Just the opinion of someone who relies on others very much for all kinds of things.

sending thoughts and <3 your way, krakow

krakow, you seem like a totally cool dude on ilx. best wishes and stay strong.

ah, that's good to hear. sounded like you were getting kind of isolated which is not a good thing when you're getting down.

Aw man. Krakow, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine.

Oh man, krakow, I am really sorry. Count me among sympathetic eyes indeed.

much sympathy and love to you, krakow. and to you too, Daniel.

krakow, I'm sorry to hear about this.

Krakow, I only got to learn about a year or so ago, via a friend's experience

- sorry - via a friend's experience what this might feel like. I have a lot of respect for everyone who lives with that kind of experience every day and has to cope with the unpredictability of the downs. Very best wishes.

I'd just like to thank you all for your very kind words and feelings. I really appreciate it.

The fallout from what happened with my dad is unfortunately just a catalyst for, or is the most easily explained aspect of, my own personal feelings of depression, which have been around for much longer and seem to be making themselves all too prevalent in the last few months. It feels like dark dark times right now and I'm not at all sure of what's going to be the way out.

whatever you do, just keep pushing forward and try to find even the smallest of ways to make progress everyday. writing about how you feel and tracking your progress in a journal or something might help too. and keep posting here. ILX is pretty great. <3 and good vibes

Krakow, hugs, seek help if needs be.

http://i54.tinypic.com/jj1jqu.jpg

I posted to the Holiday Blues thread earlier today so I def know how shitty this can feel esp at this time of year. Hope every feels better soon.

― ★彡☆ ★彡 (ENBB), Monday, December 21, 2009 9:53 PM

huh.

biochemistry can be all over the place this time of year, even before you factor in all the other potential stresses. stay strong, sister :)

gurl

<3

<3

*message of goodwill*

lol so English! ;)

Thanks all. I'll be fine just one of days/season's whatever, I guess.

Was just thinking 'fuck this shit' and then reminding myself that this is the usual 2 or 3 day 'fuck Christmas' feeling I get every year. Should be gone by XEve.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3MCrlkdfnk

broke, need a job, no temp jobs looking since it's the holidays, need to make $400 in two weeks

not sad, but worried

I hear your Corey. I really do.

* you

thanks, res

stay strong guys, i'm also fed up and yeah mostly likely stupid seasonal reasons

holidays are the worst. be well, everyone.

I was sad but then I watched The View and now I am taking some time to enjoy ~~~the view~~~

judging u

ok, not really

http://i35.tinypic.com/2yuxabr.gif

Ida Mae Brown!!!

<3

OK that gif is perfect

oda not ida whoops

Homesick. Trying hard to throw myself into being organized & doing little things to keep my brain occupied. Get to surprise my Mum with a Skype call tomorrow (her first), which will be awesome...hopefully not counterproductive bell-jar-inducing.

Hugs to u guys. Be not sad? <3 <3

<3

broke, need a job, no temp jobs looking since it's the holidays, need to make $400 in two weeks

not sad, but worried

― =(^ • ‿‿ • ^)= (corey), Wednesday, 22 December 2010 18:07 (1 hour ago)

that's rough, but good luck & hoping something will fall yr way

and general good wishes to everyone

^^^

well, most of yous

list thread for the exceptions.

i wish u guys weren't sad. i dunno what else to say.

love and good wishes to sad ilxorres, there's so much hurry-up-and-wait as the holidays start and it's so wearying to be sad when time's hanging heavy on your hands. i hope you find things to distract away the sadness until you can feel better!

<3

All best to everyone. Xmas blues & $$$ drain that inevitably happens in December is a real drag.

:( chin up good people

Last year at this time I had $25 in the bank, 5 hours a week of regular work, a broken-down car, wildly fluctuating mood swings, and a (non-ILXor) Internet acquaintance who was threatening to commit suicide on Christmas Day. This year is much, much better.

Glad to hear it! :D
A good reminder that sad times are rarely permanent.

motherfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

so sad and confused and angry but mostly just sad

<3

?

sent you a fb message.

I'm ok just venting. Sometimes that helps. Sorta like screaming but I didn't want to scare the neighbors. Feel a little better now tbh.

do we need a thread of cathartic screeeeeeeaming

scream into a pillow

(not being snarky btw)

Used to scream into pillow loads in my depression years. Was the best part imo.

hey, i hope this is a brief, fleeting feeling, and that things quickly improve for you.

cosigned

enbb is a vital part of the ilx ecology

"You're just bastard people and I'm goin' home and I'm gonna I'm gonna bite my pillow. ..."

not any of you btw - just a good pillow biting quote

lol @ ref, not so much at the sadness part

That's the best line in Waiting for Guffman.

hope you feel less shitty really soon, E!

The way Corky says that line is one of my favorite things ever tbh.

:)

remember: soon you will be un-sad!

Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.
— Hunter S. Thompson

Sad happens...pillow screaming v effective IMO. Also pillow punching, kicking and throwing.

And this is good when you don't want to be sad anymore. (I hear cute dogs help too)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5izjjSzTIJk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

not sure whether to cry or wind my watch tbh

sup?

scream into some dirty pillows

i need someone to give me a reason to wake up before i go to bed

anything will do

Bacon? Sunshine?

I can only tell you what works for me.

bacon is good. thankyou.

:)

pillow screaming v effective IMO. Also pillow punching, kicking and throwing.

Also lying on the floor beating the carpet with your fists, and generally acting out as outrageously as you can. Usually flicks my switch so's I start laffing at myself inside 5 minutes.

bacon amd sunshine = good picks, also a great combo in a pitta

i guess the sooner i go to bed the sooner i can enjoy both

getting to sleep might be a problem tho

not so much sad as overworked. one of my litigation partners is covering a long hearing set for the middle of next week (my case, but we'll be in colorado). it's essentially a compressed bench-trial. i've got to get a bench brief to the judge's chambers by 5PM friday, which means researching complicated choice-of-law questions, drafting a monsterous and complex document (involving international law), getting draft materials to inside counsel to review, and so on. i feel like my head's filling up with sand. there's room for a few pounds of sand up there, in the absence of any real brains. i'm in the office all night -- again.

"and I looked back, and there was only (two) set(s) of footprints.."

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c2/KiickCsonkaSI.jpg/250px-KiickCsonkaSI.jpg

Chin up, Daniel-san!

thanks, kiddo.

good vibes 2 u dogg

thanking you, too.

Have been having loads of dreams where some guy I know - always guys I do actually know, and like a lot (and usually cant do anything about) - decides he likes me and nice things happen etc.

Wake up feeling really empty and lonely. I just want some fun.

(hugs)

I've been feeling lonely, too. My job is very isolating; I wish I had some coworkers to talk to.

done, maybe.

wooooHOOOOO

thanks! now we'll see what the client thinks.

client better think you're awesome or I'll have some serious words for them (of the curse variety)

lol, thanks. so far, so good. one more to hear from.

go team!

wtf
just woke up feeling so so down. fuck this cold weather anymore imo.

aw, stay pos dude

I've felt in a haze since Sunday, which I initially attributed to post hangover blues, but it lingered.

Wavered between a feeling of anxiety and extreme disinterest, made everything feel bland. Almost like drug withdrawal feelings, but I've been taking my meds.

Then this morning, my ex from 09 posts this note on facebook that prolly was not about me, but described what I felt to a T to where I just wanted to start bawling in the office. And now it makes sense.

I'm just sad. I still miss her and its been almost 14 months. No matter how I try to rationalize it, the memories flood back...there was just this perfect window of time that we had that I've not been able to regain.

All pissed away due to my anxiety attacks and meds turning me temporarily into a zombie during our last months...no matter how hard I fought it.

I was almost over her, moved on with a new girl, until she decided to end things cuz she felt inferior to my ex, and was convinced I didn't have feelings for her.

She was wrong, but she opened the door back up for...this. Fuck em both.

I don't have any advice (and I'm pretty much the Geir of the advice threads

$&$((;! Zing. Take two.

I don't have any advice (and I'm realizing that I'm pretty much the Geir of the advice threads anyway) but I can offer you my sympathy.

Yeah likewise San Te...I missed this post earlier today or I would've at least passed on well-placed hugs. Dredging up ex-feelings is never a fun place to be, especially when you're already down. Sympathies, my friend. <3

just saw this. i hope you feel better soon, ST.

Combining Trayce and San Te's reports by dreaming a lot that nice things are happening between me and my ex-husband. All a bit wtf, as I have no such desire to go back there when I'm awake. We weren't happy at the end, but when we were happy we were very, very happy, and I can't quite imagine ever feeling that way again.

pff.

i am sad and maybe also a little bit crazy/detached from and unable to reconnect with normal social interaction — need to stop gettin hi def, makes me too paranoid — imagining that all of my friends are conspiring to kill me for the 25 bucks in my wallet, exchanging knowing looks and laughing all night — sort of threw up a hail mary yesterday by even attempting to leave my house and interact with people, in hopes that it might make me feel a little bit better, and now all I can think of for today is self-pity and tears

i swear i can feel the presence of death though, in everything people say and do. like some shadowy opponent dictating chess moves from a locked room. when I finally realized I was not about to be murdered by a conspiracy of friends I started having panicky spiderman-inflected imaginings of returning home to find one of my family members dead, claimed in my place.

basically a lot of anxiety, all the time

sorry this all sounds so weird and above all just so fucking dumb — need to get it out though and this is one of the handful of places where i still feel like i can say basically whatever without imagining other ppl all like "o_O"

What's happening to you may be something worse than simple anxiety. When did the paranoia start? Has this happened before?

how often are you toking and maybe if thats whats feeding it, scale it back or stop for a little while? thats a beast you def dont want to feed, imo
removing some environmental causes might help. and def keep trying to make yourself social, even a little...ie try not to retreat if you can help it.

I have family history of mental illness and personal history of dumb anxieties with no real basis in reality, but the latter have not been troubling me much since I started taking antidepressants ~2.5 yrs ago.

I actually had scaled back my smoking a bit in the past few weeks, then was excited to see friends again after being out of town and probably 'overdid it' — but yeah I've noticed lately that while I can handle a lil toke by myself to relax, doing it socially is just not working for me.

it's really hard, though, to get over this fear that everyone I talk to knows how miserably confused and wretched and directionless and adrift I am right now, sees right through any pretense I make of being a decent happy person, and despises me for the whole affair.

You know I love ("getting hi def"? lol) too, but in my most paranoid of days ––– I would find it exacerbated things. I hope that doesn't sound paternalistic. I mean, I think you figured that out, too.

I had a close friend w/schizophrenia who was always in & out of the mental hospital. I am defs NOT saying you or I or anyone here is anywhere near that. but the dude (bless him) was always doing best when he only smoked once or so a week, only drank one drink a day, if that – those were the times he was managing shit well and also feeling good abt himself & the world. I figure if that's how things work for him, why not for me, albeit on maybe a subtler scale? IDK, like I said, what I am saying is something you already know, that shit influences our minds!

I would like to think if everyone you talk to could see "how miserably confused and wretched and directionless and adrift" you are, they wouldn't despise you – they would feel sympathy or empathy (your choice) for your situation! I do, right now, I feel: I hope things pick up for good old bernard snowy soon, because I like that guy on the ILX message board a lot, and have some fine memories of him. (Apparently when I worry abt you I turn into Holden Caulfield?) I know part of the heart of the beast of paranoia is fear of rejection/hatred, but at heart I am sure a lot of ppl like and care about you. It is hard to embrace that shit as actually being true, but like, just imagine it as an incontrovertible, empirical fact if you can.

Or maybe I misunderstood everything you just said – if so, sorry. But I do hope your inner space gets less bleak, you know?

haha that "def" was supposed to be short for "definitely", but I liked the idea of "getting hi def" so I left it in

and yeah I know ppl would be more likely to feel some-pathy, I try to reassure myself with that thought, but then there are also times in my life when I've been pretty much happy but I come into contact with someone who for no reason that I can figure just *despises* me (like, we've all had this happen once or twice right?), and that feeling sort of becomes the basis for this generalized fear that even in my miserableness I am doing things that 'rub people the wrong way' or whatever and so they just want me to go away

but i appreciate the concern even while worrying that i do not merit it — it does brighten the inner space a little just by itself

(also, apparently i gave some ppl the impression that i was moving to florida? when i was actually just driving my grandparents down there and then staying with them for a bit? when a friend told me this was why he was so surprised to see me again, i felt a little bit like a ghost)

(i guess the moral of that story is that i've also been doing a poor job of communicating w/people? but it's not like i don't try to, dang!)

I come into contact with someone who for no reason that I can figure just *despises* me

Nothing is like a shittier feeling or a bigger thing for seemingly justifying crazy (and untrue) insecurities! I mean I still worry from time to time I am "annoying" bcz of ppl in sixth fucking grade calling me that. That was a long-ass time ago! Sometimes other people are fucked up, it's just hard to know how to handle. It doesn't mean you are fucked up, though! I hope you enjoy swears.

insecurities will stay with you for years after the offending stimuli. I still have a chip on my shoulder that dates back to 8th grade.

You are a real person and not a ghost person, bernard! You can't control if other ppl misunderstand you. I hate when it seems someone has misunderstood a basic big fact like that. That happened when I *did* actually move from Boise to NM – when I first visited Boise again, a lot of people were like "hey how come we never hang out"? Uh bcz I live in a dift state? Do I know know English or something anymore? They were all drunks & druggies, too, I'm blaming that even tho I am basically one of them. ha! Anyway, it felt fucked up ––– but people just aren't perfect communicators, is what I am saying & that is not your fault either.

Do I know know English or something anymore?

ha this was supposed to say "do I NOT know English," apparently I don't.

hey bernard, just to add my two cents: abbott is so otm, and given what i have seen with friends/acquaintances of mine, if you have a history of mental illness in your family and are susceptible to paranoia, really really try to cut back on the w33d as much as you possibly can.

I think you can tell from ILXORS here that you are not generally despised nor anywhere near despicable...don't let the attitudes of jerky/mean people do a number on you. You're a good person and how they treat you reflects on them, not you. don't let the bastards grind you down :)

Is there a companion thread called "i'm mad" for moments when every nerve is jangling with the desire to BREAK SOME SHIT? Because I am in plate-throwing mode.

NB: I have never thrown a plate but about half an hour ago I was ready to take some personal ceramics to the freight elevator shaft and hurl them down it.

I want to be angry. can I be angry?

I am sad and it appears I will always be sad no matter what. Fuck everything.

sorry

i hope not

Oh god, I'm sitting here at 6am crying and listening to this, which is basically taking the piss out of me being such a fucking lame asshole but it still makes me more miserable. Argh.

Emil.y! I'm sorry to be a KIP maniac here, but I think this may help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OX2WErOvD4

Haha, thanks. Was all ready to say I'm too much of a music snob to like that but it did bring a smile to my face. I just feel so despairing of myself - I used to be so much worse but this heavy fug of anxiety/depression/whatever the fuck gets into me to make me feel so bad has been with me since forever and I just want it to go the fuck away for a change. Just for a tiny little while would be satisfactory.

Muppets always lighten my mood, that's all. Sometimes that's all it takes, and sometimes it's not enough, but it's always at least a smile. Sometimes all it takes is remembering to stay on this side of things.

No, no, seriously that was much appreciated. I guess the fact that it's so late here and I'm quite drunk is not making anything better, but just having someone suggest something light-hearted is something I'm grateful for. I dunno, half of me wants to elucidate more and the other half is just like 'call the waaahmbulance you self-indulgent shit'.

If you're gonna elucidate, you won't find a more sympathetic audience. Here is a good place for it, if you need to unload. <3

What she said. <3 to you em. I always think of my mantra - "this too, shall pass".

I just want to call my mom all the time but I know that will frustrate and upset her.

I guess the problem is that elucidation would take much more than talking about a particular situation - for instance, I had a theoretically great night tonight and I've just come home and bawled my eyes out - and while I think ilx0rs tend to be pretty good advice-givers they're probably not going to be able to sort out a completely abstract fucked up life. I mean, I don't expect anyone to, I just wish I didn't feel this bad all the time.

I wish well everyone else who feels sad right now too. Sorry if I'm all cryptic and shit.

Almost sent you ilx mail but you're just such a total stranger. Stop being abstractly fucked.

Nobody can really sort out someone else's fucked-uppery, but otoh people are apes not tigers, we evolved to live in social groups, so I figure some emotional support (even if it's as abstract as ILX) should > nothing.

(I'm offering this rather than asking for it btw. I am feeling pretty together atm, to the extent that when I burst into tears after reading some dumb article in the Guardian, I can be all 'uh, hello sadness, wondered where you'd got to, don't feel obliged to stay tho, k?' and it goes away again for another day or 3.)

Has anyone tried the scheduled misery approach?

kinda entering this weird zone where the extended bummer has taken on this strange blissful sadness thing, haven't felt that since i was a bummed out teen

yeah it's tough when your perception of 'normal' changes to accomodate new sadness :/

it's not even just adapting, though...it's like this bullshit fleeting "i'm glad i feel this way right now, this is how it should be" shit that i know is wrong but keeps coming back

today I made up a little 60s pop pastiche in my head called "Another Rainy Day (in Rainy Daysville)" that was basically abt this

as long as you guys don't start putting every day is like sunday on repeat I think we're good here

It's another rainy day...
in Rainy Daysville!

All the children want to play, but they
know that they will
never have the chance (oooh, oooh)
because life is cruel
and holds no answers... (sha la la la la la)

I think I may stay,
I like the way they think
in Rainy Daysville (ooh, ooh, ooh)
(x2)

second verse was smoething abt pulling apart the soggy pages of the Daily Rainsman, looking for the weather forecast (rainy)
etc etc

OH HAI SADNESS. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. NOW PLEASE TRY NOT TO FUCK UP LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THIS TIME.

Why has it got to the stage where I can't drink even a little without starting to cry? I used to be the most hard drinkinest mofo that ever there was. Now I'm some sort of gelatinous blob of lady tears.

crying is cathartic though

It can be, definitely. But at the moment it seems like my brain just melts and I turn into a gibbering imbecile instead of actually crying because of anything tangible.

wait, are you crying or gibbering?

you don't seem to be sleeping v. well (said the pot to the kettle) xp

Crying and gibbering kind of go together. I dunno, if you've never experienced it maybe you won't get it - it's basically incomprehensible desperation.

And yeah, I can't sleep right now, which takes everything that might be somewhat bad and tosses it up into the realm of unable-to-deal-with-this.

probably a cross-atlantic semantic discussion of the word "gibbering" would not be v helpful

Ha, no, that sounds like exactly the sort of thing that would get my mind away from self-indulgent misery. How would US people define gibbering?

well, it's like talking nonsense - like gibberish

i always think of lovecraft when i think gibbering - like gibbering horror some monstrous alien tongue w/e

im p sad too :/

i never did find lovecraft's grave, even though i hung out at that cemetery quite a bit when i was 18 and sad.

Okay, yeah, that's the root. But 'gibbering' in itself is more usually used to indicate non-stop free-flowing talking to oneself as in the onset of madness - babbling, basically. Not that I'm trying to indicate clinical problems in myself, it's used fairly freely.

xxpost

Hey Lamp, I'm sorry you're sad. Is there anything we can do?

my definition of "gibber" comes from that one wodehouse story (who knows which one) where jeeves says something polysyllabic and clinical and bertie says "YOU GIBBER, JEEVES"

some wodehouse would probably improve things.

emily no its ok im just kinda down on myself cuz some things arent really working out, lyfe is hardship, every little dissatisfaction is another irksome weight

Damn, I'm sad. Something just reminded me of someone I used to know. I'm not going to wallow, but I went from laughing out loud at Elvis singing "Sweet Caroline" to remembering something unrelated and tears just flowed.

Today at work I talked about butterflies emerging from cocoons to be eaten by birds, but I was kind of joking. Kittens get killed by pitbulls and that's how it works type talk.

Pissed off at the world and quite down earlier tonight. Wound up going to gym, listened to the latest Nerdist podcast and did like 35 mins on an elliptical at peak heartrate. Feel far better.

Also, saw a dude working out in a Flynn's Arcade tshirt from a Tron promo thing, another guy had a Dragon Age II strategy guide as reading material, and a third had a large tattoo of a tallbike on his abdomen.

lamp <3

Emily, how much drinking is "a little drinking" for you?

Crying is sometimes cathartic but also sometimes "fuck not this again" if it keeps happening enough, imo. I hope my faves emil.y's beers will be tear-free soon enough. Same w/all my sad friends.

lamp and em i have <3 for u both

http://staystrong.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Peter-Poland-tattoo.JPG

Crying can indeed be cathartic, but catharsis is just a necessary first step.

After a catharsis of sadness or fear, you need to re-evaluate the situation to find a way, or a plan, to leave the cause of your fear or sadness behind. It helps after a catharsis to feed your neural pathways of hope and happiness, even if all you can find to feed them are tiny scraps. Give them as much sustenance as you can! Look at the bright side, not because this breeds delusions, but because there really is a ray of brightness somewhere, if you scrounge around, and because looking at it is a relief and a lesson.

I express my sympathy too.

Three things made me cry today:
1. work
2. a quote from a blind man saying how music sustained him like food, that ended with "Music was made for blind people"
3. my sister-in-law posting a picture of an amazing flower saying it is "one more proof God exists"

So I think that I'm probably sad.

awww

<3

I cried buckets last night because I turned 40 and I really don't want to. I'm being so lame about it.

oh Trayce don't be sad <3

Remember that you're not alone Trayce, this change is going to be weird but you gotta lean into it- maybe talk to people who are 50? I just had a long talk with my father about aging and change and stuff and it was really helpful to hear from someone farther along

Thats a good idea tbh.

50 is much better, as long as you stay healthy.Less angsty by far for me.

I keep crying at songs and poems and articles, and have started sleeping badly and not tidying things up, and it feels like falling into sadness is this inexorable process that has already been started. can you ward if off by being careful, do you think?

only speaking from personal experience but, to some degree, yes. sadness wears a path in my brain where once things veer in that direction, it is very easy to just give in and slide down. it takes a lot of vigilance and will, but sometimes you can "divert" and force yourself not to succumb by reinforcing routines, seeking company, talking to a friend, little things like that can avoid the spiral... the hard part is deciding to, and actually doing it. but you can do it.

hang in there. unload here if you need to <3

Thinking of my fellow sad folks. Hope everyone feels a little better soon.

The mister has picked up some forms for me to register with a doctor. There's a possibility I have an undiagnosed thyroid problem which is tilting my brain further towards my pre-existing inclination to hate everything and everyone and most especially myself. All the women in my family have had either underactive or overactive thyroid so it's quite possible. However, I know from experience that just having the forms doesn't actually mean I'm going to go. It's pretty much reaching a stage where there are only two paths I can take, and I've already spoken on the other thread about one of those paths. It might finally be time to consider the medical one.

I also have a similar thing to Trayce, having just turned 30 and being in an absolute state of rejection towards this fact. I know it shouldn't really mean anything, but it totally does.

Well that's a start. If there's a real medical condition that can be remedied, basically without even having any undesirable side-effects, you might be looking at a much happier emil.y in the mirror sometime soon.

That is indeed a very good start Emily, I'm glad to hear the mister did this for you! Sounds like a keeper! :-) I hope he can help you with filling them out too (I know all too well about having the forms in not meaning you are going...)

But this is well worth researching as, if there is anything wrong with the thyroid, it can clear up at least something - however small a portion - of despair and anxiety maybe. Please take care!

Yeah emil.y, the medical angle definiately sounds like a step in the right direction and hopefully will help you in the long run. <3

Emily, if you have an extensive family history of thyroid problems the medical angle should have been the first thing you should have considered.

tremendously helpful insight there

And to think I spent all that time avoiding saying exactly the same thing.

Yep, pretty much as depressed as I've ever been over the last 24 hours. Looking for a nice warm hole to curl up in for the next two to inifinity hours.

I'm going to my bed at 7pm which is bad. Don't feel atrocious,just a bit low. Chin-up, sad ilxors.

Christine is right, I must say. I just avoid doctors as much as I possibly can. And also, it's pretty easy to be blinded by the sadness, especially when you know that it's actually rooted in rationality - life is a shitty horrible thing to be endured, you know, and when it starts to feel impossible to endure then the question 'why endure it' seems pretty sensible. But this time around I'm fairly convinced that there is something that can be done if I can only evade my neuroses for just a short time. It feels like a marathon from out of your worst chase nightmares, though.

em I really think of you so warmly and hopefully and I hope that you do get some relief via thyroid treatment, because you just seem so perplexed by your sadness and ill-feeling that I wonder if suddenly the whole world and your self will click and MAKE SENSE to you with a little chemical tweaking. In my own clumsy and not-really-knowing-you way, I wish that for you.

Now stop being a brave little martyr and get your ass to a doctor. Life is not about endurance, and to be 30 and to say with a straight face that it is means that you are either not taking in or not processing the millions of occasions for joy that are possible all the time. A damn shame.

the last couple of days I've been thankful for having a heavy cold, because it makes my constant drifting off into circular self-reflection when I'm with my friends less noticeable. (I hope.) A bunch of simmering bad feelings about my inadequacy in relationships and my unfulfilled desires for intimacy (physical and emotional, although I think most precisely the entwinement of the two?) have been super amplified and are now constantly on my mind, after a drunken chat with my ex (who is still pretty much my closest friend) about all the cool sex she's been having and all the no sex I've been having. Which was followed by her innocently sharing my bed when she couldn't get home. (I did a decent job of accumulating things you really shouldn't be doing with the simmering bad feelings I had, I know.) God this is such TMI TM-Emo material. But ey I feel the need to express it. So hey there fellow sad folks, let's all hug or some shit.

chat with my ex (who is still pretty much my closest friend)

i think this is something you should change asap.

that is hard to do, sometimes

it's hard to do almost all the time, but it's important.

mm maybe? But I don't think so, necessarily. It's been.. almost a year and a half since we broke up now, I'm confident the particularities of the feelings I had for her are gone. My issues are all me, and the contrasting paths we've taken just emphasised that a bit.

it really sounds like something you shouldn't be doing. It is very hard to make a clean break, but friendzoning or w/e you want to call it is even worse on the way out of a relationship

with the obvious admission that internet advice is usually generalised rubbish

Tbh ilxor advice is usually a couple steps above your average internet advice. Just don't ask Yahoo.

(I'm about to post... you might want to take back what you just said jon /via/ chi 2.0)
.
.
Sadness is in the stars. I came to this thread because I was feeling sad and it turns out that tons of people are feeling sad today. Just a quick look at astrology.com and I read something like "your coworkers may need a boost of some kind today". This is going to pass

emil.y, your comment about a "pre-existing inclination to hate everything and everyone and most especially myself" made me think of a Kurt Cobain thing I watched the other day. About a Son was just audio clips of Kurt talking over video of random people and locations (no Nirvana video clips). Anyways he was saying the same thing as you and he is a really awesome dude. He said some things like "maybe we'll keep Nirvana together just to piss people off" - he especially hated journalists. He also admitted that Nirvana was just a way to vent and he really wanted to jump into other bands with a different persona. The way he coped with hatred was with drugs and being selective about his company - too bad he didn't get proper drugs though.

Maybe he's not the best person to mention but music is therapy and what not. I'm certainly in a better mood since I started typing this post (I'm listening to Deadboy & The Elephantmen).

One thing that he said during the interview was that he didn't think he was depressed (anymore since the last 5 years) or any different than other people in that regard. But people would say things like "what's wrong" when he was perfectly fine and this would piss him off. The same thing happens to me. It's like "god damnit dude, learn to read people better - you suck!".

But the sage advice from therapists regarding feelings is to be analytical about them. "Why are you feeling this way?". "What triggered you to think like that?". Apparently just noticing the feeling and analyzing it in non-emotional terms is a great way to squander the feeling.

would like to see a Yes Man style gimmicky lifestyle-change memoir in which someone runs all of their life decisions by the Yahoo Answers crew.

But guys I swear, at one point it probably was an issue and the BREAK IT OFF advice would've seemed like good advice then, but now it really isn't. I'm even good friends with her new girlfriend, with no conditions or 'but's about it. Yr advice is appreciated, however, even though I think it's wrong in this v particular case.

Anyway I now have the baffling and doubtlessly terrible urge to assuage my blues by watching Scenes from a Marriage. Back to try to type through my floods of tears in... THREE HOURS??

I don't think one needs to break it off with an ex as a rule. Exes can be really good, if not best, friends. Stranger things have happened. As long as it is not the source, not even a small contribution to the source of your problems, of why you are feeling sad. When it is, I think deep down you already know and feel it is. If so, try and be courageous and admit it. But if not, it's perfectly ok.

All the best Merdeyeux, keep it up!

(I'm not part of the Yahoo Answers crew tbh)

I am a bit tired of people admonishing others for remaining close friends with an ex. It *is* perfectly doable and perfectly ok, you know.

I usually just burn the bridge entirely. I figure if I am worth anything they notice.

They usually don't.

Trayce, that was basically my sentiment too. Exactly, actually.

written then scrapped way too many posts on this thread, but trayce otm with the caveat that this goes a lot better once both parties have seen other people since even if just briefly.

Co -sign on the friends with exes thing. My long term gf of 15 years is still my closest friend 10 years after we broke up, and I'm hers. We have a child, and had to keep in touch for that, and maybe to begin with it was duty more than pleasure, but said child is now a grown up and on the cusp of moving out of both homes, and we still talk most days and meet at least once a week. Not weird, no sexual tension, we can talk about other relationships.....

It can just be nice and relaxing, and at this stage, if we do fight about something, we know it'll sort itself out, and there's no *relationship* to jeopardise, so it's cool.

with the caveat that this goes a lot better once both parties have seen other people since even if just briefly

Oh yep this definitely helps, yes.

thanks guys, I'm pleased that my gut feeling and rational analysis isn't contrary to all laws of nature.

(Scenes from a Marriage wasn't nearly the cavalcade of misery I was expecting. Unflinching and intense, sure, but the slivers of joy and happiness seemed really real as a result. Step it up, Ingmar.)