i am feeling fairly low right now

I have felt better. I was supposed to go to the czech republic for three month's study from next week. I dislocated my left knee on friday. it looks less likely now. plus a bunch of other stuff. overloading, yeah.

Maybe take a nice walk. If it's not too pollyanna-ish, think about your blessings. I admit I don't know you too well since I am new on IL*, but you seem to have a fine honey of a boyfriend and some fab, giddy new purchase you made with your credit card.

And if that advice was too pollyanna-ish, think of the most absurd and hilarious thing to make you laugh.

Sometimes visiting cruel.com or disturbingauctions.com does it for me.

ok i think the first genuine low of my entire life is a-comin'

and it ain't great

sympathy/zings plz

at least the ytmnd is gone

you can almost always get past the shitty parts. my early 20s were super shitty (attempted suicide of father, siblings in foster homes, poverty, etc) but I'm past them now! so keep your chin up.. cook to distract yourself :) (It was you I was talking food with, right? Hope so)

maybe it's something u ate

xp

DO: stay up late at night alone listening to Blue by Joni Mitchell.
DON'T: get shitfaced and walk around North London singing I Know It's Over by the Smiths at the top of your lungs

that is the sum of wisdom i have for you from when i was your age

awwww, but skip "Little Green" and "My Old Man," they make me want to off myself. Make a playlist and replace those two tracks with "Free Man in Paris" and "Raised on Robbery" for a sad-but-not-gonna-kill-myself effect.

i dunno see, cos the really sad songs are the ones that help the most, and there's something soothing about Joni songs even when they are bleak. and you're not going to kill yourself over a sad song, even if it feels like you might at the time. probabaly not. worth the risk, i'd say.

jaggs, say it ain't so

it was me, ffm. and while i haven't suffered hardships like yours, my brother was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes today, and that alongside the feeling of being gradually disconnected from things that matter (college rush starting without me, gf thousands of miles away, unemployment and gradual realisation of unemployability in all but the most exclusive and competitive sectors), and this fucking sore throat from hell, is messing shit up in my head

if i have a saving grace, it's the tendency to let ppl know i'm not right be a fkn cry-baby

to quote the final line of sartre's "huis clos", right, let's get on with it, shall we...

hey i like "blue"! "carey" is one of the happiest songs ever fwiw

I dunno.. tell that to the creator of Gloomy Sunday!

I'm definitely with you in finding comfort in Joni's bleakness.. I skip over Little Green any chance I get, though. Raised on Robbery has the bleak but also will keep you bopping!

and "my old man" might be the best song on the album ("a case of you" notwithstanding)

oh man dude definitely not trying to one-up anything! just giving examples in case people thought I'd broken a nail/failed an exam and thought I had any right to say anything. very sorry about your brother, that's terrible and I know how bad news can amplify anything else going ho-hum into oppressively shittily. sounds like you need a distraction! thank god for ILX!

(Definitely LOVE My Old Man but wasn't sure if sadness was due to a significant other in which case it can be kind of deadly.. had a hard time when my boyfriend left the province on work and I realized that the frying pan really was too wide (for my single person's omelette)

haha! that should be a song-title. "I realized that the frying pan really was too wide (for my single person's omelette)" :D

nah i wasn't remotely accusing you of one-upping me at all! you were being very helpful in providing a context. if anything i felt guilty for bumping the thread when nothing truly dreadful has happened yet. :)

but yeah thank god for ilx and tbh ppl shd be able to bump this sort of thread for whatever, just that i feel the wings of something dark brushing me with a little more urgency than usual

typified by somewhat irritable and blunt conversational tactics, some crass ILX posting (my attempts to weigh in on the US elections were of the "OMG FUCK THIS" nature when everyone was being all sophisticated) and appalling writer's block

writer's block

http://www.carolinestreasures.com/images/answered_prayers.jpg

ilx's most outspoken athiest in prayer shocker

i can't even think of a good counter-zing :(

i can't even spell atheist

i can't

yes you can! I thought of a zing for you while I ran to drop off some mail. you said your significant other is thousands of miles away.. how the HELL do you find shirts with sleeves long enough for you? zing!

also: diabetes: cooking challenge!

yes i will bake him a candy cake pizza tomorrow ;_;

and that is a good, close-to-home zing ;____;

I'm here for you bro

yes and you are TENS of thousands of miles away ;)

my attempts to weigh in on the US elections were of the "OMG FUCK THIS" nature when everyone was being all sophisticated

is this genuinely your interpretation of what went wrong when you tried to post on that thread?

but I have long arms too! where do you live anyway?

i live in london, england, so get stretchin'! :D

oh, and caek, that's a very reduced expression of what went wrong. a more expanded one would take into account the probably hypocrisy of slating the US media in comparison to our own, the horrendous timing of having a stupid rant on the day of a delicate debate, and the fact i'm a limey retard, but tbh i'm not rly in the mood to go into details on why i wound up a few yanks

well that's lucky, if you get lonely and have a thousand pounds or so you can call up that Billie Piper girl!

if i had that thousand pounds i would fly to berlin right now, pork my gf a bit, then come back and get mahself some proper music lessons

actually all that thousand pounds would do would delay the point at which i'd have to get a job. as things stand that point is close. but not imminent. give it a month.

also thank heavens for best friend who called to give chin-up advice/idle chatter. u r appreciated.

pork my gf a bit

You're such a old romantic.

berlin isn't far louis, it costs about 30 fucking quid to get there.

then go to panorama bar and many suns will rise at the same time.

yesyes but going to berlin = mind off the neverending jobsearch

i'm gonna do it at some point in the next 3 months, though, so any advice on which clubs to go to/sights to see is welcome!

and yeah i have a very cuddlestein mountain approach to love n stuff as you can probably deduce

go a few times, it's incredibly cheap! there are sales on now, it costs about as much as my train to work in the morning.

is this with ryanair? hmm, i really ought to. if one of my job applications finds a bit of purchase i'll get cracking. :)

the main issue is that i'm fantastically overdrawn

yeah ryanair...borrow some money from a friend or something, or ask gf to lend you it.

cool! well, i can't do anything before oct 11 because the band i was in for the university summer parties is doing a one-off reunion gig then, the upside is that this gig is for cash, so i'll be able to jet away after that :)

you have to go here dude:
http://i33.tinypic.com/rumam8.jpg

like a robert silverberg novel with more latex

freitag ist bi-tag

Aws, LJ, I remember the day when my youngest brother was diagnosed with Type I diabetes...it was a cold, foreign feeling. Some kind of threshold never guessed, crossed. You know, it's definitely a disease one can live with, and be healthy...and it is the type that will be curable once they find a cure. But it's so sad, too, and strange...strange, too, too feel so collided when it's not really you.

How old is he?

I dated a guy who had lived with type1 since his teens. He managed it quite well, he had a good routine with the insulin pen jabs, and eating with him never felt difficult or like I had to make bizarre exceptions. He'd just occasionally scoff starches or sweets if he'd gone a bit wonky.

He's 16. He announced it to me himself, cheerfully. "I've got Type 1 diabetes innit!"

Now we know why he kept falling asleep the whole time.

I am feeling fairly lonely right now. Seasonal? Circumstantial? Maybe. Low point.

^^^would drink beers with u

:-( I hope you feel better soon Laurel.

take care, Laurel.

I had a weird anxiety attack this morning out of the blue. Sucks.

I'm trying to work out whether to be pissed off or real low after my girlfriend finally plucked up the courage to see a doctor about what's been a few years of doubtlessly pretty severe depression, only for him to not particularly listen or ask many questions, and fob her off with some bullshit about being stressed after graduating (which, even if that were anything to do with it, was about a year and a half ago). Leaning towards the former, but I'm also all for some solidarity in being low.

Seriously, your GF needs a new doctor, STAT. That's total bullshit.

Also, hi there thread.

"fairly low" is a major understatement here.

Yep. It's the internets so I was, y'know, low-balling my estimate.

But s-hel, I'm sort of aware of what's going on w you, and I'm sorry. Really sorry.

I wonder if it is the weather. I told my husband it's cyclical, it'll pass. But he disagrees. It's ebb'n'flow at the moment but I can feel pretty fucking low/anxious for hours on end. I really don't know whether I should do what I told my mum: go see our doctor. I'm not keen to dissect my emotions at length, really, cause I pretty much know how I am (or maybe not) and I'm not sure whether I want/need meds.

On a micro level I think what *caused* this low point is my driving exam. Yes yes yes, I know, how silly, but I honestly feel outed as a failure (after driving lessons). So I'm transferring this to my entire life. So much so I see everything as a failure. (Please don't give me examples why this isn't so.) On a macro level? I feel inferior most of the time and am afraid of (unknown) problems.

(I even feel a failure... or rather unworthy posting here.)

Maybe I should go back to happy denial mode? Y'know, stuff it away in a drawer, ladeeda

I'm not keen to dissect my emotions at length, really, cause I pretty much know how I am (or maybe not) and I'm not sure whether I want/need meds.

not sure how the health system works where you are, but i'm actually appreciative of the clinical bureaucratic approach of my health care provider, where they don't attack you with therapy, and it's more like, "do you have these symptoms?" "do you want to take this medication?"

I am forumalating a Fend Off the Feeling Fairly Lows plan for this winter, as last winter I was feeling the Fairly Lows.

So far on the plan:

1. Outdoor activity every weekend, weather permitting. Weather not permitting, ice skating indoors.
2. Eating regular NN-inspired meals
3. Imbibing little alcohol
4. Avoiding tendancy to isolate (make effort to get out and see friends regularly)
5. Avoiding tendancy to climb into bed to read as soon as I get home from work, then falling asleep at abnormally early hour.

what else to add?

1 My doctor is weary of prescribing meds.
2 His daughhter is a psychologist
3 Previous therapist was not to my liking.

Maybe I'll do what I have done 35 years already: live with it.

Honestly, when I think of it, I feel silly for feeling shit cause I have a great life. So why do I feel like shit so much of the time. It's not all of the time, thank god.

Quincie, in fact I think I have an overly active life. It seems like I'm drowning at times. Maybe that's part of the problem?

Anyway off I go to knitting class where I can feel shit about my lack of knitting skills.

Oh I should add knitting! V. therapeutic imo

6. Knit stuff

7. Pet the cat and any doggies I come across on the street.

No, I think you've got the high points there, quince. I'm doing fine on all of those except prob drinking too much, strictly speaking. That's business as usual, though. I'm busy, I adore my friends, everything is really pretty good. I'm about to start snuggling up to handsome, warm-looking strangers on the subway, though, just to have someone to hug.

Haha coincidentally xp.

The thing that always breaks a depression for me is a good long walk - like at least 2-3 miles through an interesting and/or pretty area.

The thing that always breaks a depression for me is a good long walk - like at least 2-3 miles through an interesting and/or pretty area.

This totally worked for me yesterday.

However, not an option when I'm stuck in the office. :-(

the worst is when everything is going fine by most measures, but still the low feeling won't go away. laurelita aren't you going on a trip soon? that usually fixes things for me, to see the great big world outside of my comparatively small daily routines. it's just a good reminder that things aren't as bleak as i feel like they are.

(not that la ti da going off on a vacation is really ever a possibility, but even getting out of my normal "places i go" routine solves this problem for me sometimes. just going somewhere i have never been helps, even if it is just a few miles from home.)

I am looking forward to the trip but at the same time it's part of the problem. Hoping that, whatever happens, it'll shake me up a little.

yeah, think i need to be a bit more proactive about not feeling low this winter bcos last one was a total slide into depression with weight loss drinking too much sliding grades etc and i got actually a lot less going on right now lol so gotta be more proactive u no?

Was feeling ultra low this morning when I woke up, so I called in sick for the first time at my new job. I feel temporarily better, but occasionally the reality of watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns in my underwear while scrolling through an Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II FAQ strikes me as pathetic.

If I had enough sick days to call in everyday, I would love my job

xp - i have the reverse response to a vacation by myself - it makes me feel lonelier because it reinforces being "on the outside" of things.

Oh I would totally agree, but I'm meeting a lot lot of people, it's not a trip "by myself" really. Except for the plane ride.

Going on the wagon myself. I barely drink anymore anyway, but had a mini-bender on Saturday. Fun night, but just coming out from under a black cloud of a hangover now.

has this come on because the [metros'] mls season is over?

Hahaha no. Probs more like the onset of cold weather plus an unwelcome 1-year anniversary plus proximity to the unavailable plus oh fuck knows.

hey laurel i think you're pretty A+

^^

Ah shucks. You're such nice boys.

A+ supergood

Okay Morbs you know u are Quality yourself, but this thraed is about feeling low despite all evidence to the contrary. Maybe it was a foolish revive. I was just feeling old and broken this morning. You all know the drill.

Here is something to maybe look forward to and maybe cheer you a bit: http://www.shopfrockshop.com/

And you know, if it never gets any better than this, then these ARE the good times, and I don't want to miss them because I was moping around. So I don't mope much. But some days, the thought that this is as good as it gets, that this is it for me...it's not good for my composure.

Laurel, you always seems to be such a thoughtful and useful human being, I am sorry to hear you are feeling poorly. Be nice to yourself. Don't lose heart. Have faith.

i know exactly what you mean -- it's these times that you should listen to this song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe9kKf7SHco

Hey all my bummed out ILXor pals, here's some overly vigorous pats on the shoulder to carry you through the day.

*whap whap whap* <--- not masturbation sounds

Seriously I think you are all the shit and I would so give you soup and whiskey and hugs if I could.

Laurel: Let me know if you want to grab dinner or drinks sometime this week (wednsday @ black & white??)! Our shopping trip fell through but that's okay cuz I don't have money to spend on clothes now anyway, and I bought some shirts a few weeks ago.

I also am feeling kinda low, chalking it up to the stress of owing money (IRS, school loans) and having dental problems in addition to the general seasonal bullshit. It's my day off today and I slept in until 2. Yesterday was also my day off and I went into work for two hours just to hang out and see some peeps and get outta the house. Today my plans include: snuggle kitty, do laundry, clean up other garbage in room, etc. I probably have not been eating very well, which is nobody's fault but my own.

well who wants to have dinner with their middle-aged unemployed pal?

if it were you getting drunk and "controversial" i would be well up for it

i do i do i do! but you eat earlier than i get out of work right?? xp

morbs is always controversial.

plax you are not a local, u don't count (in this instance)

Well, I may not eat til 7:30-8 tonight. Unless you're at work on yr day off again?

i can't really afford food as well, but i would totally have drinks with u guys

/lush

Sorry, Ian -- I forgot to msg you about the shopping -- I check my gcal on Fridays but by Sunday have forgotten half of it. Wednesday is a possibility. Right now, I's broke.

u shud prolly just suck it up and buy a little day diary

xp I mean, metaphorically and also financially.

Sometimes I can't believe how much money I throw away on going out to eat & drink by myself. It's a weird situation cuz I really feel like I want to get out of the house but then at the end of the night I realize I've spent $30+ and have nothing to show for it except a solitary walk back home where I sit on my bed and read ILX all night. lame.

I's kinda broke too---just gave my roomie a check for rent & bills, and though i get paid tomorrow there is a slight period of "waiting for the deposit to clear"/"waiting for the check to clear" where I'm on a pretty lean string.

xp - there are lamer ways to occupy your time, imo.

It's times like this where I think: Here on monster island there's no hope

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1102/1217966857_e633c5103b.jpg

like i was saying about being proactive, u no since college ended i've been living with my parents as my friends rapidly disperse around the country/emigrate so I'm kindof at a loss interms of social life. Galway is at least 92% more awesome than limerick and there's a semi healthy band/techno scene etc but i'm pretty disconnected from it and kindof feel at this stage like the only thing to do is show up at things by myself but i mean, i'm pretty sure i've articulated similar things on other threads but I mean, what do you do if you go to a club by yourself and is that kinda lame I dunno.

when i go to bars by myself i just sit around and drink, hopefully watching some sporting event on teevee. then i leave after a few beers cuz i get depressed.

like does this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0YtgUmCT_A

look awesome by yourself?

is it something where you'd know anyone else there?

when i go to bars by myself i just sit around and drink, hopefully watching some sporting event on teevee.

I did that yesterday, with some people I rly like. But they had families or sig others to go home to, and unfortunately those families/SOs are not me.

there's like a halloween themed HC night on thursday and I'm pretty sure I don't know anybody who would even be half interested in going to this as well there is always pretty great house music in another bar that I've been getting depressed about meeting but I remember this interview with Marnie Stern where she was like "I went to these shows all the time hoping to make friends but i never did" which is not so encouraging tbh. xp 2 sarahel

Marnie Stern is great. I should put on that album now and get motivated to go to work and be productive.

yeah she is great to go running to because its like she's going "u can do it man" in ur ear!

yeah! it's perfect workout/gym music!

laurel and ian and mookie, im drinkin beerz with u in my mind right now, and in person in december.

ive been missin the east coast a lot for the last week, and so stoked to be headin to NC in a couple weeks, then again to NY-MD-DC-NC LOL supervisit in december. moving is cool, but having a regular group of local friends to blow off steam and relax with is totally important, too.

Soooo otm. Me & my husband are visiting all our pals up in Idaho, in March...it's so far away but the thought of it cheers me up at least once a day.

pals are the best

hey dudes, i am drinking beer alone, listening to funkadelic and feeling low. Even started my own thread on my problems but none of them are really going on today, so it's just general emo.

funkadelic and beer good though. also yeah, laurel and ian and co are cool, if only i could share my cheap beer with you. i can't wait till they invent a way in the future when this can happen.

ysi?

you ever feel like your crew just isn't your kind of people? maybe it's just the midwest in me coming back strong after living in los angeles for too long. i'm not low, just kind of "meh."

I used to at various times, mostly when I was younger. Then I got a new crew and re-/cultivated a bunch of other people as well. The quality friendships lasted, some others didn't really but that's okay. Now I have so many crews who like different stuff that I just do different stuff w them. Benefit of getting older in the same town. Even good friendships have their time, and can come back in the future.

yeah i shouldn't say this but good friends kinda look after themselves

I'm about to start snuggling up to handsome, warm-looking strangers on the subway, though, just to have someone to hug.

^^^^^

if you're feeling low, just do some drugs. then you'll feel great.

Provided they're uppers.

"fairly low" is a major understatement here.

Same here. Nathalie defined it when she said "low/anxious". Took me forever to realize that anxiety is just depression of a slightly different flavor. I haven't slept through a whole night in weeks, unless I had been up for two days prior. The only way I can sleep through the night is if I'm so deliriously tired that I pass out. The job search is killing me emotionally. During the day, I go to interviews, keep after it, do what I gotta do, etc. It's stressful but relatively standard stuff. At night... totally different world. I can't sleep more than four hours. I wake up from intense anxiety dreams, heart pounding, cold sweat, can't catch my breath. Every single night. I've started grinding my teeth in my sleep, or at least in my "sleep." I woke up with blood on the pillow and a sore jaw for the first time a few days ago, and immediately knew what it was. My grandfather did that his whole life, but it's a new one for me. I don't dream about anything at all except for being out of a job, being destitute, losing what little I have, or else being in a terrible job, with a boss that berates me, coworkers who won't speak to me, terrible high school workplaces. It's just anxiety dream after anxiety dream, until I wake up in the middle of the night to near-heart-attacks, or blood on the pillow. For weeks now.

Good times.

so sorry, kenan :( that sounds terrible.

I'm not unemployable, is the thing. I've never had this kind of trouble. It's just that unemployment in Chicago is well over 10%, close to 16% by some estimates, and I don't know what you have to do anymore to even get a response to having sent your resume. I've sent dozens with no response. DOZENS. It's never been like this.

i've been feeling pretty low about my job, but i feel even worse when i think about looking for work again. my anxiety level during job hunting is at its peak even when it's a 'good' economy. a few weeks ago work got reeeeal bad and i started looking at CL... i felt like throwing up just thinking about going through the job hunt again.

Count your blessings and don't do it. I can't imagine anything more stressful than this, aside from maybe the death of a relative or spouse. It's a terrible headspace to inhabit.

today i got to tell my boss about my impending breakup. he did reassure me that he would do everything he could to make sure i had stable employment and that i could take some time off when things weren't so busy.

I have been feeling pretty low too but compared to some of you guys's troubles it just doesn't compare. not that being sad is some sort of pissing contest but it just feels silly contributing now...

I'll just say though that

Honestly, when I think of it, I feel silly for feeling shit cause I have a great life.

is pretty OTM for me right now.

xp :(

I haven't slept through a whole night in weeks, unless I had been up for two days prior. The only way I can sleep through the night is if I'm so deliriously tired that I pass out

i felt like throwing up just thinking about going through the job hunt

Honestly, I think my problem is that I'm just as afraid of having a job as not having one. I think it was FDR's plan to provide "a job for anyone who wants one." I don't want one. I want to keep working at home, doing things I'm good at, things that make me happy, and making a living wage off of them. But that ain't working out too well -- I'm owed thousands of dollars from businesses in SE Asia that I couldn't even sue if I wanted to, and the local freelance work has been crap on a cracker. It's all going to shit.

I know, I know. I don't expect pity.

feelin u bro

the not being able to sleep thing is the worst, because it just increases the feelings of crapitude.

i feel tired all the time lately.

xp Tell me about it. I have a bottle of Lunesta, which used to work well for me, but the way it works is to put you under for about 4 hours, and after that you're supposedly already down, so you sleep the rest of the night and don't have the pill hangover in the morning. I wake up after about four hours, gritting my teeth. How grand.

I think what I need is some good ol' fashioned barbiturates. Except I might be tempted to do bad things with them, so I haven't asked.

yeah - the anti-depressants i'm on function similarly - i've actually started getting maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, but i have next to no appetite.

the gritting teeth thing is creepy. i don't do it consciously, but i do occasionally wake up that jaw soreness and every time i go to the dentist they tell me to start wearing a mouthguard at night, but fuck that

It is creepy -- how does this work? I cause myself pain and damage in my sleep that doesn't wake me up or feel like pain at the time? I mean, it must hurt, right?

makes a super loud weird noise too!

kenan, if I can offer some advice re job search. First of all I've no idea what kind of job you do or how long you've been looking for one... people close to me have been in similar situations and I know how awful it feels. But I know of a couple of things that may help: 1) Make a kick-ass resume. Really work on it, and put the important stuff on the front page, 2) Don't just send your resume. If you haven't heard back from a job in a while, call them. Show up. Remind them you're interested in the job. Bottom line, be more pushy. Do this even if they tell you not to, you have nothing to lose! 3) If you just can't find anything, aim lower, take ANY job, even if you're overqualified for it (that'll take the pressure off paying the bills) and THEN start looking for the job you want. For some reason, already having a job makes you more appealing for employers.

BTW, I'm also feeling fairly low... but in my case, I know it's the weather. We had the shittiest summer ever, the fall already feels like winter and I know thinks aren't getting any better for at least the next 6 or 7 months :(

Being a worker in a living wage factory is soul crushing.

Its a razor fine line between starvation and debt. And everyone I work with thinks unions are living examples of the Antichrist. Its absolutely piteous how thorough the self delusion is amongst the Cold War oldsters. Any liberal hippie sentiment is treated like the commie menace returned again.

And then their grandchildren are skinheads. In Wisconsin, up where the sundown towns used to be.

No one really likes to talk about how racist the rural North of this country is, but its truly hideous.

You throw a first generation Somali refugee into a factory full of of guys with shaved heads and deeply xenophobic 50 and 60 year olds and watch the sparks fly. I hear people use expressions like "getting Jewed out of money" all the time. And I shake my head, for these are my people. I've come from this poor and stupid people and enjoyed a childhood in the sunshine of the 90s, and then back out into the cold.

I feel the job situation people, I've felt it for years.

Lost my job twice last year, worked temp jobs for a while. Basically crackhead jobs, you are treated like garbage just because you're working temp manual labor. I used to go home with chemical burns every couple of days from scrubbing out ink pumps. Caustic solvents burn on contact, I've got some really impressive scars. And a shredded set of work clothes.

Fucked up nearly every joint in my body by working as a mover for a year, I was built like a tank by the end of it, but so stupid from all the testosterone that I could barely form a complete sentence.

Worked as a warehouse picker in a marketing company that specialized in small order promotions for the insurance and investment industry. I bet that factory isn't even there anymore, a whole warehouse full of the lies of the lending industry.

And I knew things were fucked up the first time I evicted a suburban crack house.

I was like "if this motherfucker with dog shit in every room of his house can get a loan, then something is deeply fucked up with this country". Saw some really disturbing things as a mover, worked with a lot of really deeply nice ex-cons who had payed their debts to society to reemerge as a group of second class citizens. I knew a man who did a two year stint off a noise violation because he was on parole.

Almost killed a man with a portable coat closet once, we were carrying it down a flight of stairs the wrong way. He curled up into a ball and managed not to get hit as it tumbled down the stairs, he was 25 and had 6 kids by 3 women. He was literally working two full time jobs just to pay his child support.

So yeah, I know low. Low taught me a lot.

But recently optimism has started to look like the most sane path out of depression and the cycle of substance abuse, whether prescribed or no, that I nearly everyone around me seems to be engaged in. The only people I know who don't get fucked up constantly are religious, and thats pretty scary.

I'm proof that someone with 3/4 of an English degree can survive in the working class.

Combine two part time jobs if you have to Kenan. Call centers, anything medical or insurance related.

Work crazy night shifts if you have to, I've been on 2nd for years. Used to work 3rd.

Oh god, the teeth grinding! Not so horrible except for the person sleeping (or trying to anyway) next to you. Of course when you grind at MAX LEVEL, your jaw hurts like hell. I told my dentist my gums (?) hurt. He asked if I had a buzzing noise in my ears. I was kinda surprised... till he said it was just nerves. hah.

i feel tired all the time lately.

Bad sleeping patterns fuck you up. Especially draining is when you only "half awake" so you're not aware you are actually not sleeping at long stretches. This is also what's a problem for me: my youngest kid still wakes up so I do too. (Also my husband. He didn't realize cause he didn't get awake completely. He was saying"Why the fuck am I so tired all the time?" Well, cause you go to sleep too late but also, mainly, cause E wakes you up a bit.)

Kenan, yes, the feeling low and anxious are definitely related. That's how I feel: being anxious makes you feel low and vice versa. They feed off eachother. But I'm still at the point where I can see where it is coming from. Take the road too long and you don't see the starting point because you are too far away. The problem for me is pretty fucking simple: I have a great life but I am convinced that I am not capable of holding onto it if something goes wrong. I'm afraid of unknown problems (that might occur somewhere down the road). I keep telling myself: "They don't exist. If they do, then we'll tackle'em." Being in a job that is rewarding but also unstable is something I love but also fear. I am convinced I can "snap out of it". (hahaha I had subconsciously typed unconvinced first. Slip!) I guess it is also that I feel I have no coping skills (see eating disorder thread). At the end of the day I have to realize that, well, if something shit happens, it won't mean I will starve. There's enough support to prevent that.

*hugs for all of you*

Hugs right back, dude. :-)

Hugs back, and thanks for letting me kvetch. Because in the cold light of day, that's all it really is. I'll live. :)

kenan i grind my teeth at night in stressful periods too. i went and got a five dollar mouth guard from a sports store and put it in at night before i went to bed, and it seemed to work pretty well--at the very least the daily jaw pain stopped. i stopped wearing it after that season of stress ended.

i dont know if thats really practical given that youre having trouble sleeping. but maybe worth a shot. you can fuck up yr jaw bad by grinding a lot.

Especially draining is when you only "half awake" so you're not aware you are actually not sleeping at long stretches.

I fucking hate this!! I don't know how many big days I've ruined because, despite going to bed a full 9 or 10 hours before the time I'm supposed to wake up, I cannot fall asleep due to the anxiety/stress and when I do it's only bullshit half-sleep

makes for some pretty vivid/lucid dreams though

Yes yes yes. And then when you do fall asleep, you get the fucked up dreams. Grrrr.

I think what's essential (to me): I can see the "other" or flip side. I know there's a happy Nath, so I gotta just focus on that.

I've been feeling pretty meh for the past two weeks. Not sure if it is PMS or SAD or what, but today (I have the day off) I'm going to the Russian Baths to try and sweat and it out.

How'd that work, Mary?

The thing I was afraid of/already knew was coming has finally come. I think it's really over. Which is good AND bad, but I'm still a little numb on my way to angry. At least my brain is catching up fairly quickly.

Still, this past couple of weeks has sucked big time. I'm ready to be done with the sucking now.

kenan, I'm in the same job-search boat but don't have dreams, and supplant the anxiety with righteous rage at the corporate overlords who put me here. Hope you get some relief (not just the UI kind) soon.

Does anyone have problems with spending money? Okay okay, I'm blaming it on my depressed state of mind, but I do think there's a correlation. Binge (and even purge -> I tend to throw things away when I'm very moody)

Only on beer and cigarettes.

I don't really HAVE a lot of money, which kind of takes care of the problem.

(Legal/illegal) drugs do me nothing, alas. Cheaper than yarn. That said, might go see my doctor to discuss meds. I feel bad it's even fucking up my environment (friends and husband suffering because they see me down). At one point do you take meds cause it's hindering your daily routine? I can get through the day but in what way, y'know.

I upped my monthly savings to erase my spending sprees. :-)

Yeah meds help cut away the fog that keeps you from functioning. The worst that can happen is you hate them, in which case you can taper down & not take them anymore.

xp - I started taking them about 8 years ago when we were going through some really stressful business stuff, and I was waking up with anxiety attacks every two hours when trying to sleep, and the rest of the day I'd be depressed and anxious most of the time. One of the side-effects of the meds I'm on is a lowered sex-drive, but honestly, mine increased when I started taking meds, because I wasn't constantly distracted by anxiety and misery. I tapered down a year or so later when things were better and there is a certain dazed/flat quality that they have.

I think the Russian Baths helped, but I somehow ended up getting around 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night, so that is sort of a contraindication. At least my skin feels really soft.

Mondays are the worst.

gaaaaaargh this mfing ma course

ur doin a course on mfing ma?

This time thing change, while it should have brightened my outlook, has left me tired and irritable.

i tht i cd write a novel start a r/ship piss abt the internet lisnin to music n undertake the most busy month of work ive ever had pretty much and rite now i am pretty much in full shutdown mode esp regarding latter

but things are going well w/the gf, right?

yes they are, that is pretty much the only area of my life that is good atm

chin up lj, kip poster boy 2008 remember

xp - i immediately thought of you when i saw that cell phone ad yesterday -- walking around SF trying to reconcile myself to soon being single

o the penguin one? just made me want to see more leopard seals in the antarctic tbh

ive generally been upbeat of late but today was a kicker - didn't go in, unable to do work, promising novel falling critically behind NaNo targets

thing is the novel is what i really want to do, not this course

it was a cell phone ad for "mytouch" in a window right next to a store that sells sex toys and other erotic aids

haha link plz

it's on the mfing mobile phone ad thread that you started.

back to feeling low *sigh*

oh wait cutesy penguins juxtaposed w/ sexshop haaaa

dude, is it just the workload, or is there other stuff up with the course?

I ask because I'm all too aware that I'm going to be applying for one tangential to yours in the not too distant future... Could do with being fully informed before I commit to something I might hate.

yeah i saw that but did not read the next post properly xp

nick it is a worthy course but they hit you with all sorts of meaningless crap which makes you think you're working and then next thing you're weeks behind on the assigments that matter i.e. your own journalism

what kind of meaningless crap?

maybe not so much meaningless but my course has about 15 different modules, 4 of which i completely skipped today by not showing. doubt i missed an awful lot of stuff i didn't know or desperately needed to know. but i've been going to these lectures and not doing my work. now i'm doing nothing.

there should be much more of an emphasis on the students going out and getting stories, we're just so unmotivated to do so after the hours and hours of crap they put us through

and i am slightly kidding myself that science journalism is what i want to be doing, i shouldn't have been so easily persuaded

they gave me a scholarship because i'm 'good at comment' which sure i am but i have not the foggiest how i'm going to put together a convincing file - i haven't even worked out which specific area of science to concentrate on - i am easily distracted - so much of it is interesting but it is also always reported by other people

i think that's one of the awkward aspects of grad school vis a vis subjects that are part academic and part professional training. mine was kinda like that, too.

i'm far from being a poster child for meaningful grad school experience - i pretty much went for a master's because i had nothing else to do and only cared so much about the program. it was more like - well, i have some experience in this area and am somewhat good at it and i might not mind working in the field. i dropped out for several years, and when i finally felt like finishing, had to fill out a bunch of paperwork so my credits would count towards a degree, because they would have expired.

i was kinda pushed by my parents and kinda felt that i needed employable 'skills' or qualifications, and also it was an opportunity to stop fruitlessly looking for jobs - but now i am on the course, despite the fact i've been given some decent opportunities to broaden my horizons, it still feels fruitless

all i wanted was a job doing something i love

which isn't going to happen at this rate, unless i get noticed

but doing things which get me noticed aren't things i'm doing, unless the noticing happens exclusively within the realm of science journalism, which is not what i want to do

and when i reach that conclusion, it's time to really think about things

my advice would be to get through it and do it until something else better or more interesting comes along. i had crappy meaningless jobs until i was 30. think about what you want to do that you would find fulfilling that could be done outside of the auspices of a job.

how long's your program louis?

On the last day, Louis, they reveal he location of the underground tunnel from your MA course to the BBC. Don't worry.

underground tunnels are awesome.

in turkey i hear there's a whole city underground? so you never have to come up? but nobody lives there anymore.

it is a year, ending in may or june or somesuch (unless it carries on over the summer - i forget if it does this)

people generally tend to do well out of it but i am not sure the bbc is what i want - ideally i'd work on some kind of awesome underground arts project or for resonance fm or something

or found my own political party (this will happen btw)

ideally i'd work on some kind of awesome underground arts project

this is generally something that does not pay well, if at all, though i can suggest meaningless crappy jobs that make doing this possible

dammit maybe i really should do this course

what can i do that deserves remuneration

"deserve's got nothing to do with it"

tbh I remember you sounding less than enthusiastic about it when you were weighing up whether or not to apply some time ago. That being said, it does present you with some pretty great options, even if you decide they're not what you're looking for now, and you'll only be what, 24 when you're finished. You can make a shittonne of life direction changes before you even come close to having to settle on one.

I hope this doesn't sound condescending but you really don't need to be in such a rush, dude.

^^otm i think. when i did a similar program i remember ricocheting between feeling like i was probably taking years off my life with the stress and no sleep for something the benefits of which were totally unclear and at best incidental, to these moments of like clarity where id have a good day, maybe catch up a bit, maybe go for a walk, and realize that i was in a pretty good position, mostly enjopying being challenged, and that i had some control over the stress/guilt. so i guess power through. only good will come of it and youll will move towards where you should be by degrees so yeah be patient a bit maybe.

yeah - though i remember when i was 22 and felt similarly to what lj is feeling now, but now I'm older and can say from experience that it often takes a while to get somewhere work-wise/creative activities-wise that is worthwhile and enjoyable.

i'll be 23 btw

but cheers you both :) i have received similarly reassuring advice from a coursemate who noticed i hadn't come in...i still really want to do this novel. the course is doable, as he said, in a much smaller time-frame than perhaps i had thought.

xp and cheers you too sarahel ;)

one thing i do have is a superb circle of friends/gf and that is helping enormously

you have your whole life to write a novel, though. if you're in school, concentrate on school. you have lots of time to figure stuff out, don't sweat it

yeah - screw National Novel Writing Month - imo

seriously^^^

whoah i actually forgot you were only 22, LJ

but i am doing it for herrrr also the coals of creation burn brightly and cannot be allowed to fade before i have finished walking them xp

yes gbx i am younger than HOOS and older than crutis, but we are all callow and confused

xp - Que - LJ knows my story about this thing, and why I might be biased.

lj <3

prioritize, appreciate, and take heart my friend.

life is confusion *_*

Was about to say, learning to prioritise is a large part of the difference between fulfilment and frustration imo.

Speaking as somebody who's never learned to prioritise that is.

aw thanks folks, big-hearted people all

the whole prioritising thing is probably necessary, which is why for tonight i will make the novel my priority, and then perhaps have a different priority tomorrow when i go into college :)

haha this is going to end in GLORIOUS FAILURE XD

Was about to say, learning to prioritise is a large part of the difference between fulfilment and frustration imo.

― Azzingo da Bass - Dom's Night (Noodle Vague), Monday, 16 November 2009 18:03 (11 minutes ago)

Inability to prioritise was the main reason that I was a complete screw up at 22.

i didn't need to prioritize when i was 22 - i just worked 70/80 hours a week and had no life, except for shopping for records and drinking bourbon and coke.

xpost

Inability to prioritise still contributing to my being a complete screw up at 41.

Really what I needed to do back then was prioritise the one thing that I couldn't do again if I screwed it up. Then everything else could have slid and I still would have been OK. But ya, hindsight = 20/20 etc...

I am the worst prioritizer in the world and that's exactly why I'm at a low point in my life right now. I fucked up my grades, relationship, and physical and mental health this semester. I am pretty much a worthless human being rn.

o come now crutis you are loved

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3653/3384871615_2aa65ecef4.jpg?v=0

http://geekpadshow.com/files/2009/08/courage_wolf_by_sagatarius677.jpg

i love courage wolf. except the rapey ones (sigh, chan humor...)

http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u68/MoonWalkerMJ/Courage%20Wolf/your.jpg

courage wolf!

http://www.iggdawg.com/pics/misc/chew_it.jpg

yeah there's a whole bunch of variations on 'advice dog' and since i'm 12, they are all hilarious to me

anyway, yall could use a little courage wolf tbf. happiness requires action.

http://xc9.xanga.com/848f505564430256212607/z203797514.jpg

http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/5767/original/Socially-Awkward-Penguin-dont-understand-what-someone-says-you-respond-with-haha-they-were-asking-a8.jpg

lolll

http://14.media.tumblr.com/b9vfl4b63nflnrekw26qMENUo1_500.jpg

guys what the fuck do i do with myself today

i have applied for 7 jobs and its 1 in the afternoon and i have nothing else to do

my room is clean

u should rent + watch the last disc of the wire imo

do my novel journalism ;7x

nah dude imo you should do some writing maybe or just go outside and do a drawing but do something creative

or go birdwatching in yr area

make stew and listen to curtis mayfield

xp - what is up w/you and birds?

before you listen to lj, hoos, you should confirm if that sentence is "british" or not

i need a computer break tbh

been here at the coffee spot for 6 hours

maybe go to a park and read or some shit

take a walk

on the upside my gf just invited me to thanksgiving with her fam which is ^_^ a big deal ^_^

gobble gobble

go and buy a dinner suit!

they will be v. impressed

roll up in my funeral limo driving uniform

see how many posts you can make on ILX today

ha - on the upside - i will never have to deal w/thanksgiving with the soon-to-be-ex's domineering mormon grandmother ever again

dodged a bullet: at least it was only one grandmother

its just like a big deal cause she's gone on before abt how she doesn't introduce dudes to he fam cause its never really been at the level of 'this is somebody who's gonna be in my life for a min yall' before so like

its a thing

aw

: )

aw

: )

met my gf's mum for exactly 2 seconds yesterday XD

anyway HOOS i too recommend the outdoors, although if it is w/ book i entreat that you keep an eye out for our feathered friends

:(

:) instead is my pro tip.

Feeling yr pain but on the plus side it's Friday and we still have terrible lax licensing laws.

yeah doesnt help that all my friends live two hours away and im too poor to go see them regularly

The art of talking to strangers in pubs is a useful life skill imo

Should be taught in schools

Also, remember Phil Brown is somewhere pushing a lawnmower around right now and worrying about how he's gonna clear his tab at Tanfastic.

The art of talking to strangers in pubs is a useful life skill imo

really?! people do this?

Not many do it well!

Phil Brown still getting paid because its cheaper than firing him supposedly?

Can't afford a tan, can't afford to go to the pub, only job prospect is a part-time stint at Tescos. Man I wish I had some good drugs.

xxpost

We do it oop North, lex. I'm led to believe the rules are different in London.

Not true

After all, there are plenty of Northeners in London

yeah if noodle was try and pick up a twink in london he'd have to be an mp

I think even Londoners occasionally meet people they've never met before, sometimes in places where alcohol is served.

Where is London?

Somewhere just south of Sheffield iirc

not sure I follow you.

Can't afford a tan, can't afford to go to the pub, only job prospect is a part-time stint at Tescos. Man I wish I had some good drugs

life coach answer is to take up running, and there are cute girls that work in tesco too sometimes fyi

talking to strangers in pubs is an all-island tradition over here obviously. it's how i met my grandfather iirc

I don't know if if 'cos I'm getting older but I find myself striking up conversations all the time these days.

I know it's cos I'm getting drunker

last weekend i met some strangers because they'd been in the same pub as me the night before, then they were in a queue for a club i was going to on saturday. the club was full so we began talking to them and went for a drink. this is pretty rare though.

"really?! people do this?"

Dude yeah! I didn't do it, but ppl came up to me and chatted. Not in my town tho. But like in Amsterdam they wld.

depends on the pub & the clientele, doesn't it?

Yeah. I guess so.

though I suppose there are far fewer unconverted pubs around these days, so could see how Lex may have thought the art of random conversation had been lost

anyway has hoy squared cheered up since drawing barcelona, that's the question?

eh. i went for a walk and it started raining; the place i went to didn't have what i needed even though it was supposed to and couldn't tell me who to get in touch with to get it; now i'm having lunch.

if messi snaps a tendon in the next hour i should be fine tho

Naughty naughty