Rate the people sitting across or next to you on public transport

Guy with dyed black hair in a ponytail and Devil's goatee who obviously fancied himself as some kinda sinister-yet-charismatic leader but had his powers somewhat diminished by the box of donuts he was carrying: 5/10

Four-year-old kid in old England away shirt who smelled strongly of shit and spilled some Volvic over me: 3/10

talking of which, girl who tried to give me head on back seat of bus 7/10 (i already knew her)

Score for blowjob or girl?

Girl who spent the whole journey from Bank to Tottenham Court Road applying Mabeline Great Lash mascara at the kind of speed normally associated with sloths, continental drift etc. Your precision technique and self-absorbed narcissism made me feel really ill for some reason and it didn't make any difference to your appearence after the first coat. 2/10 (Points for having a cool dress.)

no one specific, but why do people think physical contact is acceptable on public transport? i know the bus is crowded, but it only takes a minimum of effort to keep some air space between our arms. do not want your smelly, sweaty flesh pressed against mine.

I fucking loathe temporarily not having a car.

Loud Aboriginal bloke shouting at his wife: 2/10
Twenty-something girl looking for all the world like a 12-year-old going to her friend's for a sleepover: 6/10
Fourty-something dickhead in denim shirt trying to read The Australian: 0/10

Score for blowjob or girl?

girl. as there was no blowjob on the bus ('tried'). anyway, after the last couple i'd kill for a 7

Every idiot that wants to get off the 721 before Flinders University and complains loudly when the bus driver won't let them off: 10/10 (for comedy value)

woman who got on bus at tower bridge, and asked driver could he drive down this cobbled street with the rest of her coach party on board, because their coach was too big 7.7/10

I've mentioned this before but as it was the last time I went on a bus in London (except one of those tourist buses) I'll say it again.

Man, who when he got on the top deck of the bus, everybody (except me) went downstairs (which struck me as odd), and who then started shouting that he was gonna stab everybody on the bus and seemed to be screaming "what the fuck are looking at" at the back of my head. minus 10/10.

(luckily - as I am a coward and was rooted to the spot in fear - the bus driver stopped the bus came running up the stairs and shouted "i've told you before, if you keep abusing the passengers you're going to have to get off the bus" and led me downstairs. So he get's 11 out of 10.

no one specific, but why do people think physical contact is acceptable on public transport? i know the bus is crowded, but it only takes a minimum of effort to keep some air space between our arms. do not want your smelly, sweaty flesh pressed against mine.

-- lex pretend, Monday, July 9, 2007 9:54 AM (53 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

Sorry Lex, this is probably me, I cannot keep my balance.

Black kids jumps on chasing his friends who hare it upstairs without paying. He then addresses the downstairs with a quick comedy routine on how all black people can not be trusted apart from one dude in a suit he notices. Basically like the best skits off the Sway mixtapes but real. 9/10

Lex: Man of the People

Guy spending entire journey making that teeth-sucking noise: 3/10

Woman in front of me on train who smelt like she'd been airing her clothes in a room full of half-smoked Marlboro Lights for a hundred years: 0/10
(Gained points for not joining in communal moaning about smoking ban, but lost them again because I had a hangover.)

Skinny girl with baggy jeans, Timberlands, chunky, bad weave and plastic TMNT backpack: 8/10

I agree with The Lex. I could not think of anything worse than coming into physical contact on public transport with someone like this guy:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v424/runmdc/ilovethearcticmonkeys.jpg

Ugh!

Gay dude with presumably ironic Housemartins haircut putting his fucking feet across two seats despite it being rush hour on the 1718 from Slough to London Paddington, going "OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD" into his mobile repeatedly while talking about how "outrageous" he and his friends were: 0/10

Probably posts to ILX.

Woman on the Bristol Temple Meads-Swindon train with thick steel grey hair in a ponytail and outdoor clothes and big boots yet who talks incessantly and loudly about working indoors in an office, even though it's the National Trust, it's still an office and those boots are not necessary unless you want to prove something about being outdoorsy: 2/10.

http://991.com/newGallery/Housemartins-Live-At-The-BBC-373559.jpg

Black American driver of 176 stopping at Camberwell Green at 3am and walking round the bus shouting "I WANNA SAY THIS REAL CLEAR SO Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO KEEP ASKIN ME - THIS BUS WILL TERMINATE AT DULWICH LIBRARY. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FOREST HILL. IT AIN'T GOIN TO SYDEN-HAM. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE. IT TERMINATES AT DULWICH LIBRARY" - 10/10

An American bus driver in London? This I gotta see

IT AIN'T GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE.

points off for it not being "motherfukin peng-e"

^greatest experience of my adult life

Crackhead with an afro on the Picadilly line northbound, addressing the whole carriage by shouting "21 years on the underground.... 21 years man. If I get off tomorrow, I still got 21 years, innit?", before beatboxing a version of "Wonderwall" and, overoptimistically, passing his right shoe around for people to deposit change: 10/10

Overweight man with goatee pacing up and down Oxford St bus stop in freezing rain, guffawing with nerdish laughter down a phone and loudly debating the merits of various TNA midcarders and ECW favourite the Sandman, before shouting "no that's it, I've won the argument, I've won the argument, I'm hanging up", before hanging up and then cheering to himself: 3/10

Insane man on 37 in Brixton threatening to kill random passengers for downloading his music illegally, alternately threatening to shoot Them in the face and then complaining that They will get him framed for having a gun even though he is innocent and does not have a gun, before explaining that white people should fuck off and download Oasis instead because they all look stupid no matter what: 6/10

self-important haggard-looking cunt tapping away on a laptop on the bus and staring at me like a creepy weirdo while simulteneously posting sub-noise board bollocks to a forum that doesn't care: 0/10

-- g-kit, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:13 (11 months ago) Bookmark Link

This is one of the great Scrappy Doo moments of ILX btw

Overweight man with goatee pacing up and down Oxford St bus stop in freezing rain, guffawing with nerdish laughter down a phone and loudly debating the merits of various TNA midcarders and ECW favourite the Sandman, before shouting "no that's it, I've won the argument, I've won the argument, I'm hanging up", before hanging up and then cheering to himself: 3/10

Initially read the last bit of this as "cheering up and hanging himself"

Guy on tram a few weeks back who spent the journey randomly berating the carriage with such gems as "I'll shoot you all, you bastards", "I've killed many men before, I'll kill you now", and most impressively "I was a child soldier in Sierra Leone, you don't wanna fuck with me". This was accompanied by a litany of physical and vocal tics to add extra spice. Not the worst I've seen but not the best, prob 6/10.

Whilst he was clearly insane and moderately entertaining to listen to, I felt that there'll doubtless be a point some time in the future where he launches into this at the "wrong" person and will get the living shit kicked out of him = DUD.

Mr "My balls are so big I need to spread my legs at 170 degrees and use up an entire row of train seats" 0/10

Cute girl with the withering look who obviously hates the entire world who said "you think you could let me have at least half a seat to myself?" to him 8/10 (she lost points for the badges, you can't hate the world and be properly withering with cutesy badges on your jacket)

RIP g-kit

Has something happened since Saturday?

http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?showall=true&bookmarkedmessageid=2295&boardid=40&threadid=57514

Insane man on 37 in Brixton threatening to kill random passengers for downloading his music illegally, alternately threatening to shoot Them in the face and then complaining that They will get him framed for having a gun even though he is innocent and does not have a gun, before explaining that white people should fuck off and download Oasis instead because they all look stupid no matter what: 6/10

Wise man.

Taxi driver outside New St station whose opening gambit was "do you enjoy eating sandwiches", followed by "and of course you go gym for MAXIMUM GOOOOOOD POWER YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH", subsequently spending entire journey ranting about how much he loves Madonna but he doesn't love Madonna because she spends too much time in America and she should spend all her time here because he loves her, while taking a ridiculously confused route to Villa Park despite there being ten minutes to kick-off, then trying to charge me £10.70: 0.000000000/10

Weird lady waiting at gate in Reno/Tahoe International, looking like a cross between a beanbag chair and a natural disaster, making groaning/moaning noises that sounded variously like she was constipated, suffering from a gunshot wound, going into labor, or about to climax - then she'd shut up for three minutes and then it'd start all over: 0/10

I may have stealthily recorded this audio with my digital camera.

girl sitting across from me tonight runs into someone she knows, they're all omg, sit down to in-depth convo. halfway uptown, another dude she knows gets on the same car, rinse, repeat. pret-ty, pret-ty good.

5 year old boy sitting opposite his mum leisurely caressing her thighs from the knee to about 3 inches south of the crotch, a combined 1/10

how is ian riese-moraine, anyway?

Ageing indie hipster with trendy but thinning hair, slight paunch, toting satchel with Beggars Banquet logo on it: 0/10

Tiny Japanese girl with muscular Brazilian-looking boyfriend, her bossing him around and telling him to get off near the Italian shoe shop so he can buy her some new shoes: 10/10 and 5/10.

Guy with deformed right hand ranting about the government: 7/10 (may not have been about the government)

Black American driver of 176 stopping at Camberwell Green at 3am and walking round the bus shouting "I WANNA SAY THIS REAL CLEAR SO Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO KEEP ASKIN ME - THIS BUS WILL TERMINATE AT DULWICH LIBRARY. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FOREST HILL. IT AIN'T GOIN TO SYDEN-HAM. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE. IT TERMINATES AT DULWICH LIBRARY" - 10/10

-- That mong guy that's shit, Monday, March 17, 2008 12:13 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Link

this could be a great novelty track a la 'it's grim up north'

I'll never forget you, Crewe to Carlisle train, I got off for Edinburgh, you stayed til Glasgow, late July 2004, sigh.

10/10

guy next to me who keeps offering women his seat just because they're women: 0/10

40-year-old woman who looked 60 and stared me out because I dared to sit down: -4.5/10

kiwi backpacker dude who didn't seem to understand bus drivers won't accept £20 notes: -10000000000000000000/10

Crackhead dude hanging around the station who comes up to me and goes "Hey ras boss, you ain't got 20p I can borrow for the train" and when I say no, he walks round the car park, comes back 20 seconds later and goes "Hey ras boss, I need..." and when I tell him he just asked me he goes "Asked you what?" and I say "for 20p for the train" he goes "Oh yeh sorry about that boss" then circles the car park again. 2/10 for effort.

unidentified person in packed tram who reeks of MOTH BALLS: minus several billion

guy next to me who's dumping his gf/bf by text: 6

kiwi backpacker dude who didn't seem to understand bus drivers won't accept £20 notes: -10000000000000000000/10

-- DG,

no excuse for this kind of behaviour, since kiwi bus drivers will shit all over you for pulling the same stunt here.

smartly dressed middle-aged woman lying asleep across two-thirds of the back seat of a packed-out 44 bus the other morning, occasionally twitching and kicking the back of my seat with some force: 4/10.

enormously fat dude rocking the paedo look -- blue anorak, tinted specs, unlovingly recycled plastic bag containing yellowing bits of paper and a banana, black slacks with a stain for every day of the week, vile smell of two-month-old body odour and stale spunk -- disqualified for being too disgusting.

SPUNK

Guy on the 237 yesterday boasting loudly to his 'friend' that he hadn't actually beaten up his girlfriend cos he only pushed her. "If I wanted to actually beat her up I fucking could have there and then." Adds that he knows the difference between Common Assault and GBH thank you very much before demanding the driver stop the bus specifically for him (not at a bus stop) and, once off, throwing his beer can into a bush.

Minus infinity, if that exists.

Woman opposite me who is whining to her friend about being told off at Tr1pl3 M because she stuffed up some on-air promos and got in trouble for bollocksing a cash give-away and omg how shit is Aust3r3o anyway: 4/10

Guy on the bus every day who just seems to be getting twitchier and twitchier with every passing week. That new haircut isn't going to impress anybody, especially if he keeps scratching the back of his neck and wiping the sweat of his forehead with his shirt sleeve every 30 seconds.

Drunk, scantily clad young woman sat opposite a friend of mine on the 73 with her vagina in full view: 1/10

one of my workmates will soon be visiting London for the first time. He was inquiring as to whether it would be acceptable to talk to random strangers on the Tube.

Neil S, surely that merits a 10?

It was one or the other. Apparently my friend pointed this out and got a load of abuse!

Guy on Path train to World Trade Center ranting about 9/11 conspiracies: 1/10 for effort

Half the passengers actually paying attention: 0/10

one of my workmates will soon be visiting London for the first time. He was inquiring as to whether it would be acceptable to talk to random strangers on the Tube.

I hope you told him it's actively encouraged, particularly during rush hour.

Guy who is the spit of Surmounter: 8/10 because he doesn't look exactly like Surmounter

Woman reading a book with a bookmark that has BOOK MARK hand-written on it: 4/10

Tiny woman who sat next to me and said nothing but when she got up to get out of the bus, gave me a small yellow card telling me about how singing "HU!" brings me closer to god: 8/10

Bell-end who stood right up against me on a half-empty tram: minus several billion for being a dick

Wilfrid Brambell in a dress: wtf/10

dude air-guitaring to his ipod the other day: rock on \m/

i don't do this. i only rate their reading material.

mentally handicapped gentleman to the right of me picking his nose: 1/10
unwashed gentleman to the left of me sitting sideways and taking up two seats so as to better air his scrotum: 1/10
everyone else on bus: 10/10 by comparison

Person puking copiously all over the floor/wall throughout half-hour bus journey, you were a bit unexpected on the 8am commuter bus (as opposed to the Friday night "late" bus), but it probably isn't your fault that you made going into work this morning a little bit more awful, so it would be rude to give you a score I guess

(but if I have the spew-plague tomorrow when I was looking forward to going to something, you will automatically get -9000 out of ten)

Is -9000 out of ten a valid rating or would 1^-9000/10 be better?

Conan O'Brien: 2/10

Man whose ears are so hairy that his earphones will not stay in: n/a

Dude making death threats over the phone for like 20 minutes straight: 3/10 (the line about "hey man I'm gonna go send you your obituary 'cause you ain't gonna be able to read it after I'm through with you" was pretty good)

This one comes from back in time, but:

Grizzled-old-prospector looking man wearing a blue jumpsuit and a patent leather, stripper-sized cowboy hat, going one stop on the 41 bus from San Diego to La Jolla every Saturday morning in 2004/05:

9/10

Old bloke who saw me using an iPhone, interrupted me to talk about his bloody new mac and actually followed me up Greville St to whinge about some random bird who won't have coffee with him: just fuck off

There is a guy on my bus who carries around a tupperware lunchbox which contains a military green canvas zip-up thing which looks like a CD wallet, but it turns out to have a Jesus fish on the cover and be a little zip-up camouflage Bible, which he gets out and reads on the bus.

And often he is found staring into space grinning, actively grinning at nothing in particular with eyes gleaming and teeth visible, which is a bit unnerving.

But today he wasn't grinning. For some reason I couldn't hear over my headphones, it took him a very long time to buy his ticket, and when he finally sat down he wore a visibly disgruntled facial expression all the way into town.

He was right opposite me and it was all I could do not to crack up every time I looked up and saw this normally grinning guy holding a perfect cartoon I AM DISPLEASED face for 20 minutes.

So, 9/10 I guess?

Pacific Islander Dude slapping Asian Dude in a friendly, jokey manner: 5/10

Guy who looked like a young Bono, only with a frankly absurd quantity of red hair and a perpetually shocked expression (maybe he'd just realised how much hair he has): 7.5/10.

White guy in early 20s who gets on the blue line northbound in long beach and plays metallica on an unamplified electric guitar all the way to union station: 8/10

Small woman in late teens/early twenties wearing a fedora with a feather in it, carrying two enormous suitcases, and with a sleeping bag strapped to her back trying to get on the subway during rush hour. She whapped a middle-aged woman in the head with her sleeping bag every time she turned around. She apologized each time, but that didn't stop her from turning around. 0/10

Fat, white-haired guy with small (grand?)child and tantalising-smelling bag of chips: 5/10, because I can't work out whether not giving the small child any chips was a) an admirable display of your understanding of nutritional importance and young children's need for a healthy diet, or b) a bit of a cunt's trick.

Vile scum on the N91 ranting at the top of his voice about how he "fucking hates queers" whilst punching the glass divide because three seats in front of him one man had the audacity to kiss another. 0/10.

Teenage girl on the upper deck of the N41 who sat so close to me that she was practically on my knee, then proceeded to yell "stop rubbing up against me you perve" at the top of her voice when I tried to move my legs. 0/10.

Guy sat behind me on the N18 whispering directly into my ear "if you don't get off the bus right fucking now I am going to kill you". 0/10 (but fair enough, as I had just been sick everywhere).

stop rubbing against teenagers you perve

valuable new posters

Dear girl in fake hemp leaf headband and boyfriend wearing "I <3 boobies" t-shirt,

It's rude enough to leave your empty beer can on the bus, but playing your stupid music on cheap crappy speakers and chanting "hempfest!" while making joint motions with your fingers is just dumb. And incredibly annoying to the rest of the over-packed bus, especially me, standing in front of you and just tryin to listen to my iPod like a polite member of the transit riding public.

2/10.

Elderly overweight lady with bum-bag sat next to me on the W7 who smelled of wee so much that it made me gag: 0/10

Don't know if train station bathrooms count as public "transportation".

Normal looking guy at the urinal next to me in Union Station who walked up and flushed the toilet, then - while peeing - picked his nose with the same hand he flushed the toilet with, then flushed again with the same hand, following up with a cursory two-second handwash on the way out the door: 7/10 for chutzpah.

10/10 for demonstrating why I never touch anything in public restrooms.

my top two all-time...

youngish homeless dude who sat next to me on the Folsom lightrail, who laughed at everyone who made eye contact with him 5/10 (I had to deduct 5 for the smell. I am not averse to the smell of cigarettes but he smelled like a wet overflowing ashtray on a hot day...I could hardly breathe) But the laughing was awesome.

the screaming man on the East Brunswick tram 10 years ago. He got on at my stop every morning, and he always sat at the front of the tram. He would be very quiet, and then he would start to make this gulping noise, and then suddenly he would scream at the top of his lungs. If someone across from him stared at him, he would scream more often...but mostly it seemed pretty involuntary. Loudest, most blood curdling scream you ever heard. It always made me want to cry. 0/10.

The one sitting across from my blabbering really loudly for 1,5 hrs: SUB ZERO. Christ, SHUT UP ALREADY, YOU ARE NOT AS CUTE WHEN YOU ARE CACKLING

Crazy Slavic dude who has been on this one particular bus every time I've had reason to take said bus, and who preaches aloud to himself and sounds exactly like the Count would if he were a crazy religious fanatic: 11/10

Dude on the night-bus at 1.30 am the other night who heard my iPod Shuffle and tapped me on the shoulder, showing me his own iPod which had Boards Of Canada's 'An Eagle In Your Mind' playing, then telling me repeatedly as I removed my earphones that he'd know that break anywhere, before going onto explain to me how Geogaddi is the album of the decade, and how as an aspiring music-critic he was writing the album up on his blog, telling me the name of his blog, and engaging in some idle chatter, largely concerning Warp Records, you can have 6/10 because the song was actually 'Sunshine Recorder' off your beloved Geogaddi. Sorry, dude.

Person who farted up the train: goddamn - change your fucking diet.

Person who sprayed enough cologne or perfume or whatever to cover up the fart smell that liquid drops appeared on the screen of my phone and therefore probably all over me: Fuck you too.

Two foot tall African infant at Camberwell bus stop, doing impressively dead-on Michael Jackson dance moves while singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with babytalk gibberish replacing the actual words: 10/10

Awesome.

I was really disappointed that his bus came so quickly

driver of the midnight 202 from catford to lee who put his foot down and got me there in 5 minutes, and who when i became the only person left on the bus gave me a wave, struck up conversation, and left me his name to add on facebook, you can have 8/10 because the name you gave doesn't seem to exist

Person who farted up the train: goddamn - change your fucking diet.

Person who sprayed enough cologne or perfume or whatever to cover up the fart smell that liquid drops appeared on the screen of my phone and therefore probably all over me: Fuck you too.

― Kylie is a vacant Phifer (kingkongvsgodzilla), Friday, January 22, 2010 6:32 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

God, I realized today that this is because some of the train cars have toilets in them. For some reason, the fans from the toilet are connected to the air system for the rest of the car. I do think it's the same person stinking it up however and goddamn I just can't imagine what they eat everyday for their guts to be so rotten.

Oyster ticket checker who tried to stop a guy getting off a bendy bus saying "EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN I CHECK YOUR TICKET PL-" only for it to drive off: 3/10

Guy who obviously hadn't paid and shot a smug look at the stranded ticket guy as the bus drove off: 8/10

London bus drivers: Level 18, Chaotic Neutral

The 12?

yeah

last week, waiting for a 286 to take me to cricket practice, there was an enormously obese man waiting for a bus with his fairly attractive girlfriend and a couple of suitcases. as he waited for the bus he kept leaning on his suitcase and doing some sort of ego-affirming dance. he was wearing massive red pyjama bottoms (or cargo pants or whatever huge ppl wear) and of course he was wearing that 6-piece baseball cap thing that most obese people who idealise themselves as being street seem to tote. then the bus came and i got on. sat at the back. he got on. his girlfriend scanned her oyster card. he started ostentatiously fishing around in his pockets. he did not have a card. he looked for some money. he did not have money. he had to get his girlfriend to find two quid. by the time he'd paid, about 2 or 3 minutes had elapsed. the bus set off. then we approached my stop. at a quiet moment, halted at traffic lights, i pressed the bus-stopping button. about ten seconds later, he pressed it as well. for me, this is a black mark against any character. dude just couldn't give a fuck about the world around him. anyway we stopped, and i got off. as i got off i noticed this dude begin to harangue the driver about something. i walked into the university site where the sports hall was, turning round on occasion. the bus was still stationary. it took two minutes for the argument to be resolved, and the bus to pull away, by which time i could barely see it. that guy gets 1/10.

6-piece baseball cap thing

?

it might just be a standard baseball cap, but it's got the flat front brim and the six triangular pieces of leather curved up to meet at a button on top - the cap is not hemispherical but choad-shaped - it tend to attenuate their massy head girth. by 'obese people' i mean 'obese men', really.

btw the bus driver mentioned upthread also stopped literally outside my house to let me off, might bump up to 9/10

Dudes who got on the front of the N21 absolutely bladdered, one stumbling to the top of the stairs, then another one proceeding to write the words 'FUCK OFF' in the condensation, draw a picture of a penis, and then sign his work (with an underline), then jump on his two friends sitting in the seats across the aisle and submerge them in a mock-fistfight, pretending to stab and batter them, all while calling the two women already sitting behind them 'good guys' and promising to beat his friend up if he touched them, 9/10 for entertaining and mildly terrifying me

Also on the 12, there was a guy who started screaming at the driver to hurry up and drive, even though the bus had visibly just run somebody over. At the next stop after the bus had moved on, he screamed at the driver not to stop for a woman with a pushchair who was trying to get on. At the stop after that he got off and sprinted down the road.

Not gonna rate that one tbh.

The bus had run somebody over!?

Wait yeah wtf?!? It kept going after running someone over? Where do you live, Zombieland?

young lady on the 341 talking incessantly in high, keening voice on her mobile, having the temerity to annoy me while I had a hangover 2/10

It seemed to have hit somebody as it went past, she wasn't mangled under the wreckage or anything, but the Police were already there and they spoke to the driver for a bit before he moved on.

Sometimes you just don't want the driver to be hanging around tho

Annoying English family with out of control child that ran up and down the carriage to stare at me before the train even moved: 0/10, worst savages alive imho

sitting behind me on the 414 from Fulham this evening: vile couple in their 50s, at least one of whom was wankered in that slurry umc way. They seemed to utterly despise each other, with him telling her that she'd destroyed every relationship he'd ever had before repeatedly calling her a "stupid fucking bitch".

depressing end to the weekend and I wish my ipod had waited until they'd gone before running out of juice.

0/10 btw

ah man

fuck it, everyone gets a 10

hny

How was your New Year's Eve, Louis?

Glasgow to London train, guy sat down opposite me, thought he was Krakow for a moment, and he wasn't, so 0/10.

Feller who got on the tram, scuffled all the way through it saying 'excuse me, please excuse me, I'm on DFP (or something, may have misheard this), sorry, excuse me, thank you, thank you', approached a seat at the end, said 'that's my seat, sorry, that's my seat, thank you, thank you', sat, rocked violently, yelled 'FUCK OFF!!! FUCK OFF!!!' at the air and switched to yelling in another language: 8/10, for having the ability and the grace to be as courteous as he possibly could.

dude on subway is sitting there solving a rubies cube with one hand, nbd

Sad bitch who, when I stood aside so people could get off the tram, fucking barged in front of me (and who I subsequently whacked very hard with my bag): 0.00000002

Seemingly normal looking woman who took the seat next to me on the bus, but then proceeded to practically climb onto my lap such was her keenness to use me as some kind of leaning post, and who had about eight bags with her meaning I had to clamber over them to get off when my stop arrived: 0/10 and I know what you look like so whenever you get on again I will just give you the fucking seat, here, you can have it all to yourself, no really I insist.

300 year old guy with egg-sized tumor on face. .02 but if you sat on the other side just once so I didn't have to stare at that thing, 1.5.

Community college student who looks like Maynard G. Krebs and sings loudly and tunelessly and has conversations with imaginary people while iPod bangin' Harry Potter audiobooks (I looked over your shoulder), 5. Without the sunglasses 2.

Group of highly nerdy pre-teens who looked uncannily like The IT Crowd (one even had a Moss haircut ffs) and talked about computers for 20 mins: 8.5/10 for being accidentally wonderful

Rangy looking guy a week or so ago on the Tube desperately trying to convince everybody that he was from another time and needed to get back, he was on the Met Line so I guess that's a start. 8/10 (-2 for being stinky)

2x suitcase-carrying student girls queuing for train at Euston

Student girl 1: Ohmigod this guy just like, totally cut me up, and like, totally didn't even say sorry? I was like, you are *sochatwat*?

Student girl 2: Ohmigod, that would like, never happen in Hertfordshire.

1/10

d bitch who, when I stood aside so people could get off the tram, fucking barged in front of me (and who I subsequently whacked very hard with my bag): 0.00000002

I would post this on the trivial shit that ruins your life every single day thread if I was the kind of guy who posted on that thread

people who take the aisle seat + put their bags on the window seat when the train is clearly going to be packed and only grudgingly move them when you stand over them:

a universal 8.4

businessman in pinstriped-suit eating mcdonalds sitting in the middle of a 3-seat lane on the train. Wouldn't budge up a single inch to let my gf sit down properly (even though there was plenty of room next to him) and insisted on slurping on his fingers all the way through the journey.

you suck
0.5/10

loud girl who screeched "He fookin said he doesn't shittin. How gay is that? Naaaaaaa!" etc right behind me for 10 minutes
i don't even ...
0.1

he doesn't what??

So mainstream now

http://www.tubecrush.net/

Woman who sat right next to me and immediately sneezed her cold all over me: thick fuck

Woman eating a WHOLE CHICKEN on the train with her fingers: 0/10

Rather that than http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=715_1314132581

Shrieking, turquoise-skinned mercenary regiment on the lower deck of the 185, deliberately mocking me by holding aloft the severed heads of my favourite primary school teachers: 3/10

The most awesome person who ever sat across or next to me on public transport asked me and my friends what three words in the English Language begin with "dw". We got "dwarf" straightaway and "dwell" not long after but couldn't think of the third, and my friends and I went back to talking amongst ourselves and he went back to doing whatever he was doing before he offered his conundrum. The bus reached its final destination and everyone got off, he started walking in the opposite direction to us but just at that moment I figured it out and called after him "dwindle". Without stopping or looking round he raised his fist in the air and shouted "Dwindle!"

that is amazing

15-yr-old girl who casually gave her number out and then, as the boy got off the bus and bid adieu with the words "I'll see you around", rebuffed him with "Yeah. Right. And that was my boyfriend's number": 10/10

― lex pretend, Tuesday, April 3, 2007 1:48 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Guy on bus with a roll of Morrison's "Reduced 10p" stickers for clearance items, passing them out to people and telling them it really helps with the shopping - both 1/10 and 10/10, the sentiment is nice but I hope most of the #26 aren't thieves as well.

Kenta Kobashi and Toshiaki Kawada, violently trading Strong Style near-falls on the 484 towards Lewisham: 7/10 - breathtaking stuff, but caused quite a lot of confusion and crowding and a woman who'd been trying to get off the bus at Goose Green ended up having to stay on until the Oakhurst Grove stop as a result

ledge, i love that story.

"dweeb" is in my dictionary

Idiot couple sitting across from me on 3.5 hour train journey yesterday, you deserve more detail than one sentence allows; So...

Slurring, lager downing man, whose every mumbled utterance was leapt upon by (clearly) new girlfriend as though it were Oscar Wilde/Dorothy Parker reborn, accompanied by incessant, braying laughter, and you also put your filthy feet all over the seats in front - 3/10, at least I couldn't hear you much.

As for you, his sweet babboo, when you reach the point that a father on seats behind takes to imitating your laugh, to the delight of his children ("That's it Dad! She sounds just like a sheep!!") you might want to think about dialling down the chuckles, also when you complained that my wife and I were just sitting quietly reading and enjoying the scenery rather than pawing each other, making out and hobbling off to take coke in the train toilets: WE CAN HEAR YOU. That's a solid 0/10, you vacuous imbecile.

Guy noisily chowing down on a family-sized bag of crisps for your breakfast with a large bottle of coke to wash it down, 2/10 with a side order of diabetes.

I'm sure your army friend who takes the piss out of black people, Chinese people, Indian people, is really really funny and totally justified because he has the experience.

(4/10 cause your friend clearly thinks you are hilarious)

Respectable-looking middle-aged guy on the metro intently reading the articles in what appears to be a barely-legal porn magazine oblivious to the giggling fits of the teenage girls sitting on both sides of you, although i applaud your dedication to the literary arts, this really isn't socially acceptable. 3/10

Be the change you want to see imo.

Loud yank girls trading long flat syllabic inanities loudly- 2/10

Innercity couple arguing about whether the smell has come out of her tracksuit 7/10

Fat aged marketing cokehead with expert opinions on stuff, to be shared with random crosseyed nun beside him 5 at best

And only 5 cos she rolled her eyes at me about you

At least i think she did

There's a man diagonally opposite me on the train right now literally shouting into his phone while detailing the events of his day. He's doing this while eating McDonald's and every other sentence is soused in chewing noises. He's in a business suit, of course. 2/10

elderly dude wearing black everything with red trim including leather laptop bag, teased up white hair, general air of Kraftwerk's older brother: 9/10

Sharply-dressed man with immaculate haircut eating sloppy porridge from a green plastic bowl
- 6/10 simply for making me wonder where he produced said bowl from

Shameless lady in commuter sportswear speaking extremely loudly on the phone about what a fantastic weekend she had driving around in her new car
- 4/10 why do people do this? Nobody gives a shit!

Woman who bustled in and proceeded to plonk herself down with such aimless force between me and another passenger that she practically sat on my lap, then pretended not to notice my audible 'oomph' and the fact I had to spend the rest of the journey sitting with just one butt-cheek on my seat.
- 3/10 just ask and i'll happily get out your way.

beanie hat playing loud autotuned dancehall on the jubilee line - 7/10 for causing not inconsiderable consternation amongst white bourgie exec types sitting opposite

entire harlequins home support - 2/10 because this is the premiership rugby special out of waterloo after all

am in a 'quiet zone' and am somewhat tempted to invoke it for the only time in my life

braying tories really are one of the worst things about the uk

they're louder than any other group people hatefully tar with the same brush

would you rather be in a train carriage full of harlequins fans or harlequin foetuses

depends. the latter, if the train train was going from ireland to the uk.

Too late to make the trip across the water for the latter

someone on my 380 bus is beatboxing, drumming and singing some old-school r&b very loudly

it is the driver

10

by the time I got off he had moved on to some particularly melodious whistling

Please stop scratching yourself down there

Couple of days ago, guy having a weird phone conversation:

"So, my sister died last week and no-one in my family told me, my brother said I should phone her but I didn't know how close she was to death. Anyway, how's you and the dog?"

... followed by a lot of jokey football chat.

People deal, yknow

I know, but you had to be there to realize quite how weird it was, though I'm so old fashioned I would never have a personal conversation of any kind on public transport.

oh god no, i can barely even bring myself to talk to my wife when we’re together in a quiet waiting room or whatever

I recently heard someone at the back of the bus loudly explaining the dynamic of how people who are not "grassers" get falsely accused of being "grassers". And it went something like(with lots of fucks + fuckings): "When people can't afford a bottle of cider and are bored at home, they just go on facebook and make up fucking rumours about people, I'm fucking telling you pal!". When I saw him getting off he was a severe looking brute and I totally avoided any eye contact, lest I become a "grasser" suspect.

i just can't deal with taking calls on public transport. sadly a lot of people i know absolutely do not get this. 'Can't speak now, I'm on the train' / 'So? What's the matter with that?'... Just makes me feel like the Dom Joly sketch with the massive phone

Bell-end who stood right up against me on a half-empty tram: minus several billion for being a dick

― You are wrong (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 23 September 2008 13:44 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

inexplicably i still remember this

Hugely intolerant of people who double-strap their backpacks and then don't take them off in packed carriages.

there are several types of people for whom public conversations, on the phone or in person, have a performative aspect - they want your attention

my 11 year old daughter double straps her backpack on packed carriages bc otherwise she'll get crushed or will risk having her pack stolen---that's life on her daily commute (which she does by herself) on two of Europe's busiest metro lines.

I've found that driver again! He's on the 124 this time. Singing some sort of devotional prayer and drumming along. It certainly adds something

twats who insist on standing at the front making getting on and off a hassle even tho there are at least half a dozen empty seats -infinity/10

sitting in the aisle seat with your bag on the window seat DIE DIE DIE

this is why i travel everywhere on my own private hovercraft

Sitting across from a stranger at the crowded local lunch spot. I assumed she would be on her phone or something so I wasn’t eating my fried chicken very elegantly—sort of wolfing it down. Looked up and saw she did not have a phone and was looking directly at me.

0/10 even though it’s my fault for eating like a barbarian

twats who insist on standing at the front making getting on and off a hassle even tho there are at least half a dozen empty seats -infinity/10

― drugs don't kill people, poppers do (Noodle Vague), Monday, 5 February 2018 06:23 (twenty-eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

their look of genuine surprise when you have no choice but to barge through them almost makes this worth it

almost

Here he is!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsQAm3eXano

:D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CjWvPsmHDQ

to have been driven by him twice in three months having never noticed him before is pretty cool

Black American driver of 176 stopping at Camberwell Green at 3am and walking round the bus shouting "I WANNA SAY THIS REAL CLEAR SO Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO KEEP ASKIN ME - THIS BUS WILL TERMINATE AT DULWICH LIBRARY. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FOREST HILL. IT AIN'T GOIN TO SYDEN-HAM. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE. IT TERMINATES AT DULWICH LIBRARY" - 10/10

― That mong guy that's shit, Monday, 17 March 2008 12:13 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A big weekend coming up. I still think about this often.

Sorry about that username tho

discovered last night that 'penge' is Danish for 'money' fyi

any time Fred B makes a good point we could refer to it as GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE

well at least we won't be using that phrase then

headers and volleys

Penge is where the dude from Denmark Hill kept his cash, famously.

guy who sat on the set of three sideways-facing seats near the front and laid his wet umbrella across the other two seats

you get -3 out of 10 for taking up three seats, which I am going to double for making them damp for future passengers, so -6

make it -7 for coughing repeatedly without covering your mouth

I am of course an exemplary 10/10 passenger myself, apart from being fat, and having no sense of balance, and a miscalibrated sense of personal space, and having a big tatty seat-encroaching coat with needlessly bulging pockets, and... er, never mind

Are you all on the same bus?
― Michael Jones, Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Passenger in carriage 1 with big hairy dog 0/10
Passenger in carriage 2 with big bunch of smelly flowers 0/10
Passenger in carriage 3 with noisy kid playing noisier iPad game 1/10

On another message board there's a 0/10 for the crying, sneezing, angry guy who keeps changing seats.

i don't even specify quiet carriage any more when i book a train ticket because i think i get more stressed by the inability of chimps to keep quiet in that carriage than in the others

those train chimps in full

http://www.ewillys.com/wp-content/uploads2/2012/12/1950-chimpanzee-stlouis-zoo-jeep-train-postcard1.jpg

i ask myself if people just have a different sense of what "quiet" means, like as long as you're not playing a full one-man band ensemble or doing a bit of impromptu drilling then sitting there chatting bollocks for an hour or phoning somebody to tell them that you're on a train is quiet.

Embroidered “Unknown Pleasures” patch on back of jacket, patchy chinstrap beard, geometric below-ear tattoo of some kind, otherwise inoffensive, 5/10

I'm back on the bus with the drumming singing driver :D it's the 124 again

Pyramid hat guy is opposite me right now. Well-dressed businessman, probably late-40s, in tweed jacket, with faraway air

Pair of strangers at front of the bus having a loud convo about Supermarket Sweep, dead celebs and NHS waiting times for scans 8/10

On the bus this evening there was a guy wearing a baseball cap with what appeared to be 'cuck' written across it. I looked closer and it actually read 'rock', but in a terribly stylised Gothic bro font like on some brands of energy drink.

generally commuting in this morning everyone looked on point and well dressed and i was in random shit i’d flung together. everyone else 10/10, me, 4.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DdAuZQ9VQAA2YIL.jpg

nobody is coming out of that with any credit tbh

Dear bored-looking student solving a neon-colored Rubik's Cube at lightning speed, then dropping it back into her neon-colored purse, you are a 9.5/10.

Dear gang of Belgians chatting to the guy with the super-English accent who looks and sounds kind of like someone I vaguely know (hope it wasn't),

I appreciate that you don't want to carry your wheely suitcases upstairs, but the downstairs of the bus is full and the upstairs of the bus is 99% empty and you're sitting on the stairs goddammit do you not see a problem here

0/10, or if I feel generous 2/10 and everyone with a seat and no infirmities on the ground floor docked 2 points for not moving upstairs for you, but it's the hottest day of the year so I don't feel very generous

Dear blonde guy called Lars with a Richard Spencer haircut, a mauve lurex blazer, a designer jute bag, and Laura Ashley patterned shorts, drunkenly chatting up every Arab-looking man on a late night commuter train, you get eight points for chutzpah and minus nine for style.

Daerest fattey chewing out three public servants on behalf of your unemployed boyfriend, then breaking up with said boyfriend over a minor quibble, over the phone, in a matter of twenty minutes, while munching down a bag of chips, you live your life to the fullest and I respect that. 8/10

Sitting in a railway waiting room in Crewe right now. A man comes over, "Is it Kevin Price, a rock band, Amen Corner?". Me, "Sorry?. Man, "Like Liverpool, like battle fort". Me, "Sorry, I've got no idea what you're talking about'. Then he goes to the bar to buy a pint of Caffrey's, from a very doubtful barman,, having demolished a pint of cider already, leaves it on a table, goes to the door, turns round and points to a man who just come in and says to me, "He's Amen Corner drummer eleven". Then leaves, no sign of him returning as yet.

... so I'm back in Crewe and he's here again, I've been here 20 minutes and he's on his third pint of Caffreys - fiver a pint in a railway bar, they must love this guy. No Amen Corner related outbursts as yet.

... third pint finished, up for his fourth, all of them paid with by ten pound notes. I've got a train to catch.

you are yet to assign this gentleman a score

Old lady punching my arm and shouting at me for holding a tram door open for a straggler: you are mentally disturbed and I understand your plight. Also, you’re an asshole. 4/10

Teenager casually informing me, weeks later, at a similar occasion, that it’s enough to step on the tram’s footboard to hold the door open, no actual door-wrangling required, before laughing maniacally and running off across a rush-hour lane: just as crazy, not an asshole. 8/10

(None of those actually sat across or next to me tbh)

Haven't seen Caffrey's for years, perhaps he travels a long way for it.

aviator shades / pink linen blazer / chinos / jazzy socks / boat shoes-sporting tory-lookin dude in his 30s in first class carriage, downing one large bottle of doom bar and then spilling a second over the table / floor, staggering to the loo, coming back with blazer off and soaking wet, laying back in his seat, occasionally twitching, then after many hours of this, getting off at motherwell: 2/10, one point given for keeping the shades on well into the gloaming

Person playing reggae on the top deck of the bus, 8/10 cause I'm in a good mood even though I've just carried a screaming toddler for a mile and a half. Dropping to 4/10 when red red wine by ub40 started.

Woman spraying multiple perfume samples and eating multiple boiled eggs: minus infinity/10

i love them murder things though

yeaaah love them

dyou know who could murder me though that aaron hernandez fucking gorgeous

yeah hes really big

he could shoot me fuckin da id still climb him

Good to see the Welsh lads intimidated you out of yr pub

respect knuckles to the guy who brought a box of cereal, a bowl, a spoon, and a gallon of milk on the bus and proceeded to pour and eat a bowl of cereal, as well as offering some to his fellow passengers

yeah id go for that

xp sadly im off home ;_;

Sitting near someone with some of these stickers on his laptop

am I going to die lads

is that not some sort of steampunk thing

nope

a very US style "workout gear for troops, veterans, and the people who wish they were troops" brand but from the UK

like I said jim

anyway I’m off the train now, he’s free to sign his soldier F petitions in peace

'Hey, man, you spread any wider, something's liable to fall out of there.'

^ words I literally had to refrain from saying just now because I don't really need a black eye atm

But seriously. I think he's at risk of displagia. I'm concerned.

why can't people on trains just shut up

Had a good one the other day. Two guys - I think from Albania or somewhere in the Balkans - randomly punching each other in the chest, and when I say punching I mean with real violent force and then going back to looking at their mobile phones.

... on the bus home.