How do you wipe your butt?

I read this http://www.randomsalad.com/go/how-to-wipe-your-ass/ and it got me thinking... so I thought I'd poll a buncha ppl

which way do you wipe?

well yes, but I'd wanted to start a poll, funsucker.

ya ya, but how do blind people know when to stop

you know blind people can smell, right?

The mystery of the three seashells

But srsly ppl; is it that strange? Wht are the pros and cons of each

ya ya, but how do blind people know when to stop

Category: One-liners that both stet and Ron Jeremy have delivered.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I believe that evolutionary theory dictates a front to back wipe.

with hundred dollar bills motherfucker.

My answer: monthly.

Front and back. Side to side.

I was gonna say, where's the "left-to-right" choice???

correct answer: push in. no muss no fuss

How about "until there's no shit left in it"?

Bidet.

Or Japanese butt-washer. I used this only once in Japan, but every toilet into which I had the opportunity to make brown had a butt-washer. Warmed the water too.

Dude, it can't squirt strong enouigh to get it off! I once mistakenly used one of the gazillion buttons on a toilet (in Japan) and it was the water sound noise button. I ran quickly outside (after wiping my butt).

I do variations but always make sure I don't go from arse to vagina: that's asking for an infection.

there's seriously not enough options here

Why do I attract snidey comments when I start threads?

I'm almost too scared to post anymore because of the hostility and sniping that is directed towards me when I do.

I'm embarrassed to even be asking this because I don't really anticipate any serious answers.

But yeah, friendly (ha!) advice on why I'm targeted, but go easy - I take these kind of snubs to heart, which kind of necessitates me finally having to ask.

eh? you didn't start this thread. what snidey comments?

One wipe, circular motion, and DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME.

It was as apt a thread as any to put this on. The snidey comments are peppered all over my threads, "rumpie thread alerts" "rumpie only talks about vaginas" etc etc, looking for them would only put me on more of a downer.

Those aren't snubs, those are our signs of affection. We miss your threads when you're not around and when someone sees a topic where they think they recognise your style, they let everyone know. That's it. Nothing personal. Except that we like you. :-)

Oh, and from behind, front to back.

Stan, you're so sweet :)

Dear diary,

today I received a compliment on the internet! :-)

it was on a thread about wiping yr butt :-(

goodnight,
StanM

only on ILX: "we miss your vadge talk when you're not here"

Hands up (the other hand) who has experimented with alternative wiping methods because of this poll?

Well, I have s(h)at on two toilets that made this horrible fakey waterfall noise (in Japan, of course). It RRRRREALLY annoyed teh fuck shit outa me.

From behind, back to front.

I happen to like threads about vaginas, rumpie. They're one of the main reasons I spend so much time here. :)

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

Horray!!

YAY! Rep to the Re to the Sent, team FromBehindFrontToBack! Finally, we win something!

from the first link:

Egbert
A college friend from Columbia said she had to put out “The Spoon” when her parents came to visit, ’cause they wouldn’t use toilet paper. Apparently this is more of a wedge that is used to scrape out the excrement. “The Spoon” is kept in a little tray on the back of the toilet.

Just....omg.

From behind, front to back 26
Between the legs, back to front 8
From behind, back to front 6
I do not wipe my butt 4
Between the legs, front to back 3
Other 3

hmm

It would never have occurred to me to do it any other way than between the legs. From the back?! What? Thank you ILX for teaching me the ways of the world.

Between the legs is some insane shit.

I once had this conversation and found out that a lot of people do it while standing up o_O

Depends.

Here's a very simple thing that might fall under "other": wiping in multiple directions as a failsafe

from the back to the middle and round again.

my manservant wipes me

xp it is posts like this that we need an ILX hall of fame

Lifehacker to the rescue: http://lifehacker.com/5805108/which-direction-should-i-wipe

Though tbh, I only read this part:

If you're a guy, "do whatever feels right. It makes no difference. Heck, you can go side to side if you like!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LkInOOBdGM

Between the legs? Who does this? Not men surely, you would get shitty balls.
As I am in Asia, I have a little spray contraption, wiping is merely for drying off. I miss my little spray contraption when I go home. Back in the UK I always feel like I have never quite finished, and have to get a shower.

My little spray contraption is good for cleaning the bathroom floor too.
Sigh...maybe I can never go back.

seconded. i'm in japan and the electronic bidets fitted into the toilets over here are the biz. so much more hygienic than wipe and flush.

doesn't it just dilute everything and you spray your butt with diluted shit water. so after it dries everything is coated in a thin layer of shit.

well the water coming out of the nozzle is clean. any debris falls into the bowl and you keep spraying until your arse shines.

I occasionally do bathroom renovations and have installed and used these. A spray wand sprays extends and then sprays warm water upwards, at first concentrated and at fairly high pressure, then over a wider area at less pressure to rinse off. The wand then retracts into a storage tube and continues to spray water for a few seconds, which keeps the wand itself clean. The fancier ones then blow warm air for a half minute to dry up, similar to a hair dryer.

the best way is to get that attachment for power drills taht is charmin on a Dremel and place it on the special attachment so its pointed to the needy-browneye and then so rhythmic squats-4-freshness.

I've installed 3 of the Toto Washlets on toilets around my father's and my own house. Fit on your existing toilet as a seat, the wireless remote control mounts on the most convenient wall, just require an outlet on a GFCI circuit nearby, around $700 delivered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag0Qpq_kim8

I can now face the world with dignity.

you'd think with all the new technology there'd be some revolutionary bidet that'd make it's way to the states that essentially does a thorough spring cleaning. paper is so 17th century.

My friend with chronic pain had some magic robo-bidet installed on her toilet and every time I used it, I felt like a princess.

because you are

i mean i'm fairly sure those disney princesses used only the best

That Toto Washlet video looks like it was fun to make. But was I the only one a bit worried at 1:48 that the ghost-guy was about to do something nasty?

The Toto Washlet is the Lexus of integrated bidets. Try one at these US restaurants:

US Restaurants with Toto Washlet bidets

I'm confident in a poll, Toto: the Toilet would walk all over Toto: the Band

wipe my butt? what am i, germophobic? there are shit molecules in the air, people!

No love for pre-moistened wipes? These come in handy sometimes

i use canvas

xp Esp. if you are wiping someone else's butt.

the butt is not to be wiped so much as "taugth a lesson"

I know some incorrigible butts I'm afraid

they start out quite innocent

True. But this is what happens when we don't nuture our butts

The Butt: Nature's reminder that we are Stinkies

wipe my butt? what am i, germophobic? there are shit molecules in the air, people!

Well it's the difference between having a clean butt and feeling like you have peanut butter in your crack.

Or, so I imagine.

uhm yer booty hole would itch

And I'm toto-ly with everyone who wished the electronic bidets were widely available Stateside, in the meantime, well, a boy's got to have some secrets.

xp

A: Verrrrrry carefully.

I wipe my butt with a detached bidet nozzle and wipe off the dirty bidet with toilet paper before every use.

I don't understand the "from behind" options. Do people actually stand up when they wipe their butt?

yes

haha!

seems like a lot of trouble

I stand up, knees slightly bent, while facing the toilet; inspect my wiping progress while admiring my logs; toss the paper in the bowl without obstruction or splashback.

god that's so stupid! standing up to wipe! you'd most likely have to spread your cheeks using one hand right? if you're sitting then you don't have to use any hand to spread your cheeks at you'll and you get a cleaner wipe. standing up is completely and utterly stupid

at all*

you'd most likely have to spread your cheeks using one hand right?

not if you bend your knees enough

sounds like an unnecessary work-out when you got a seat right next to you

I've got this strange feeling that a lot of 'standers' aren't very pristine wipers

Lorax do you want to go to the toilet now, SIT down, wipe my ass, photograph the result, and post that photo to this thread as evidence of my standup wiping abilities? cuz if that's what it takes...

er, "do you want me to go to the toilet"

no thanks

oh

for a bit there i thought you were inviting lorax to come watch you take a crap

nah, our relationship isn't quite at that level yet.

i'm saving your typo quote. needs to to a hall of fame or something

haw

it's hard to type with one hand on the keyboard and one hand wiping your butt

what a disaster for butts

I'd like to try baby wipes, but I'm not comfortable with the concept of them just sitting back there on the tank. Like, "Look there is my toilet. I poop there. Wiping is a worry. I use wet wipes. Not really, just joking I just get the worst of it and then take a shower. Then hope I don't need to go again today. Damn. How did we evolve anyway? Anyway, all clean here, no worries. God, No I don't stand up, what the fuck, jesus dude."

Try grey underpants. Eat fiber and hope for perfect poops.

god that's so stupid! standing up to wipe! you'd most likely have to spread your cheeks using one hand right? if you're sitting then you don't have to use any hand to spread your cheeks at you'll and you get a cleaner wipe. standing up is completely and utterly stupid

― Muttley vs. Mumbly (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, June 1, 2011 1:19 AM (6 hours ago) Bookmark

www.wipertruth.org

I just tried sit-wiping now, and good god is it awkward to have to dip my hand beneath the seat and above the seat and beneath the seat and above the seat just to jet a good wipe. I tried leaning forward to keep from having to reach my hand into the bowl, and while that helped a little, I ended up in an uncomfortable half-crouch that put way more strain on my back and legs than standing would have done. the worst part, though, was having to swing my arm from back to front and back again to inspect the paper visually and drop it in the bowl. now that's an unnecessary workout. sitting may spread the cheeks a little better, but unless you have huge, jowly, free-flowing buttocks, I doubt there's any appreciable benefit in terms of cleanliness.

(fwiw I am not implying that CaptainLorax has huge, jowly, free-flowing buttocks)

OMG.

You stand up?

Woah.

From foot flushing to this I just don't get how I seem to have been taught to do things entirely different from, oh, like everyone else in the whole normal world. Huh.

It would never have occurred to me to do it any other way than between the legs. From the back?! What? Thank you ILX for teaching me the ways of the world.

― ENBB, Sunday, January 13, 2008 11:40 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Between the legs is some insane shit.

― jim, Sunday, January 13, 2008 11:41 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I once had this conversation and found out that a lot of people do it while standing up o_O

― jim, Sunday, January 13, 2008 11:42 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark

LOL

Forgot about this.

Doesn't everybody just lean forward,keeping their thighs at the same angle to their body as they were when they were sitting?

i kneel. i mean, show some respect, people

So wait if you go from the back do you like scoot forward and reach around? This seems complicated.

Wait actually - I don't really want to know this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rVQGT01Kzg

I prefer using little bunnies when possible; absorbent and oh so soft.

you can get baby wipes for men from Scott tissue - they really leave you feeling fresh.

baby wipes are for babies, what is this world coming to

would you wipe your butt with a baby wipe while a baby was in the room?

would you wipe your butt with a baby wipe while a baby was in the room?

wipes are for MEN!

(fwiw I am not implying that CaptainLorax has huge, jowly, free-flowing buttocks)

fwiw I am inferring that CaptainLorax walks around with a faint smear of poo on the back of his scrotum all day

from the back to the middle and round again.

Just FYI I think this is still my absolute all time favorite ILX post

i'm so busy wiping these days that i almost forgot to read this thread

it's like that sequence in the first karate kid movie.

y'know, the one where ralph macchio battles salmonella. metaphorically.

Just FYI I think this is still my absolute all time favorite ILX post

lol I missed that first time around

This thread got amazing.

"inspect the paper visually"

I mean

Olfactorily? Tactilely?

How about NOT AT ALL??

"seems umami today"

is there any toilet sold with an inspection camera installed within so you can see?

Also I honestly cannot understand this -

"awkward to have to dip my hand beneath the seat and above the seat and beneath the seat and above the seat"

I'm imagining some kind of toilet bowl Tai Chi.

climaxing with a visual inspection

anyone who cums at the sight of dirty toilet paper has pressing issues that can't be worked out on this thread

ok I just opened this after not having done so for a bunch of posts and just read that post and

OMGWTF AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

*shoots self*

*shoots self*

with...cum?

pressing issues that can't be worked out on this thread

Uhhh...

i love everything. and when i say that i mean "EVERYTHING"

this thread is so corny

perhaps even a scope that plunges in for an inner inspection on camera #2 - no pun intended- a colonoscopy for that All-american clean feeling!

why does everything always come down to uk people hating on americans? poop, racist soccer bottle openers...it's always the same.

So wait, dell, you're saying you shit racist bottle openers?!

well, i'm going to be honest with you guys. like, maybe sometimes, if the mood is right then strange things which some people might find objectionable maybe sometimes sort of squeak by the gatekeeper. anyway, have you guys seen that movie "bridesmaids"?

So I tried standing up. I think I've done this before. But the only time I'd need to stand up is when I would like to have a baby wipe (I won't get into details).

stood up to shit or to wipe?

oh please do not answer that

yeah - who wants to visualize inner racing stripes of death

i go back to front... its like an adventure each time... will i accidentally dip my knuckle into shitwater or not... so far its only happened once

more like princess poopknucks

wasn't there a thread retarding accidental toilet paper breakthroughs /messhand?

Toilet Cam!

http://www.cheshiremum.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Pooh_Sticks.jpg
Pooh sticks...

I am shitting in a room different from the one you are in now.