Hey You Getting Married Types. You're not DEFINED by getting married y'know

going on their wedding webpage etc

link?

Then that would give her rant possible exposure.

http://www.wondermark.com/comics/270.gif

That is rubbish. Many people go temporarily insane before their wedding, so I'd cut them some slack too if you've otherwise always liked these people. But OTOH the whole "not showing enough interest in the wedding" thing sounds MASSIVELY narcissistic of them

You sound like an awesome friend.

I got a lot of flack for missing my wife's friend's wedding so I could play a show. But a prior booking is a prior booking, and the wedding couple didn't give much notice.

How was the list ridiculous? LINK TO PRESIE LIST.

What does any of this have to do with being "defined" by getting married?

life is rough

you know those getting married types. the ones that are always getting married n shit. they so crazy!

But if you hate weddings, isn't not getting invited to them kind of a good thing?

xxxpost
haterade. . .

Yes that statment about not being interested enough sounds very dickish. But Nobody's did you give any inklings of the feelings you expressed here to the couple to perhaps prompt such a response? Or have they just always been dicks?

In general, a good friend should give people some slack for the temporary insanity caused by major life changes - marriage, divorce, birth of children, death of family, etc. If they are good friends in return when it's over they'll appreciate you that much more and be willing to reciprocate when it's your turn to be insane.

I was only engaged for 6 months but they were the most stressful six months of my life and I was so relieved once the wedding was over. My two closest friends are currently engaged and I am so sick of hearing about weddings. I can't wait until they're both married just so we can go back to talking about normal stuff again. Unfortunately, that'll be a year from now. Boo.

I mean, you're hostile to wedding crap -- presumably they can till this, and decide it's better not to bother you with it.

This wouldn't necessarily be the end of the friendship, except that it's a safe bet that someone who's hostile to your wedding crap will probably be hostile to your home-buying crap, your home-decorating crap, your baby-having crap, etc., until maybe you can be friends again once your spouse has died and you're just hostile old people hanging out, like in the old days.

There's always a lot of information missing in these "hey, take my side!" posts, so it's hard to give a fair opinion.

Wanted to add that I do listen and am genuinely interested in what they're up to but it'll just be nice to not have to talk about this anymore. It does seem like the whole planning phase can really consume some people.

When we were buying a house I was so sick of talking about houses. And I was part of the process!

To be honest though I'm pretty conversationally uninterested in hearing about people's attempts to develop their own lives. I know it's wrong of me, and conversations like this are actually a good way to accumulate information about how people do things in life, but good god: I hope people don't really imagine full reports on this stuff are any more interesting than, say, full reports on what they did at work that week.

xpost

x-post EXACTLY! I can't imagine having a long engagement because after so six months of answering the same questions and having the same conversation over and over again, I was ready to scream. I don't think I could have handled any longer.

Also to Nobodysprawn - I agree it's hard to take sides but totally understand where you're coming from in general. This shit can take over people's lives.

Excitedly talking about your wedding is exactly as engaging as dolorously talking about your problems.

Engagement rivals chicken pox in the category of things I just wanted to fucking get over with.

xpost Which is to say, your best friends care. No one else does.

If you want to talk about your wedding plans, talk about the catering.

I have no problem accepting that planning a wedding is pretty consuming. However, not hanging out after things have died down would be kind of lame.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings? Cause I suspect there's not so much of a gender split on that anymore, and some percentage of everyone is freaked out by it.

Nobodysprawn should marry The Twisted Pollstarter.

It's pathetic, actually, this interest in weddings, and the problem I see with it is that everyone is doing it, regardless of income level. We had our wedding at a courthouse with one witness, simply because we had one kid and another on the way, and wanted to put our money to maxing our IRA contribution that year. I know my saying that is making your eyes roll into the back of your head, but it should be the thought process for the majority of people before they even consider a wedding IMO.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings?

Only if I'm a guy.

I usually get friend-dumped around the time that the boyfriend appears on the scene, so by the wedding I've long since lost track, and therefore don't have to even hear about it, let alone go.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings?

What do you mean by "modern weddings"? Are you talking about the ones they talk about like in Modern Bride and other nutjob magazines? Because most people don't have those kinds of weddings. But even having a "normal" wedding takes a fair amount of attention and effort, because you're basically throwing a party for 100+ people.

I'm just taking offense to this because we totally had a normal, reasonable wedding, as anyone who came to it could tell you, but it still took like a year of planning and a fair chunk of change to pull off.

Well, I'm not really taking offense.

I'm being defensive.

One of the ironies, I found, was that by trying to do our wedding in a way that avoided what we saw as typical wedding ridiculousness we wound up probably putting in just as much effort. Trying to keep to a budget that's less than 50% of the average, for example, leads to a lot more legwork and a lot more tinkering with spreadsheets. Having your friend take the photos and your local favorite eatery cater is fun, but it means a lot more coordination is required.

My first wedding was pretty non-consuming largely b/c I was out of the country until a week before the event. I'm sure my mother's and grandmother's friends were sick of hearing about it though.

I wouldn't do a big to-do for a wedding again. Low-key is the new black folx.

fwiw I went to a cool wedding recently. It certainly wasn't Bridezilla but I'm sure cost a lot. A lot of thought went into it, it fit the couple perfectly and it was altogher an awesome event.

I kind of feel the same way, N. A friend of mine has been complaining for months about how her hair is so long and how she really wants to get to cut. When I ask why she doesn't, she says she has to keep it for the wedding (in September). She also had a recent appointment with a makeup consultant for the wedding day. I should say that she's not someone who lives extravagantly at all, but she gets really into planning things.

Nick and Sarah sort of set the model for a good wedding in my mind with their small-scale affair. Half the shit that people obsess about w/r/t their wedding nobody even notices, anyway.

(xposts: I wrote that before n/a posted!)

I never get tired of talking about buying houses.

Low-key is the new black folx

Comma required here or no?

I totally feel you, n/a. I've gotten into lots of annoying arguments with people about this, including my own sister-in-law. People who haven't gone through it sometimes just don't understand.

I mean sure there's always the judge route, but saying "I just want a pleasant, meaningful celebration with my family and close friends" turns out to be a lot more work than it sounds.

Somehow I had either missed n/a and Sarah's marriage or knew it and it shamefully slipped my mind. So either way, belated congratulations! (And hurrah for low key though most of the weddings I've ended have been splashy affairs.)

still so glad I eloped.

a tiny part of me is jealous of the fun of a tom-and-ally style bash, but I am far too cheap and lazy to make that happen.

I like going to weddings, but I would never want to plan another one. (And really, my mother did a lot of the work.)

But yeah, it is a very stressful event and trying to take on more of the workload yourself and keep $$$ down would be difficult.

My cousin just got married last week. This was her second wedding, and it was huge - seven bridesmaids, long service, etc. I can't imagine going through that process TWICE.

I wish we had eloped to Las Vegas and married in front of priest dressed in Elvis attire.

The amount of stress and thought that go into a wedding aren't really apparent until you start planning one, because you've never had to deal with the WEDDING INDUSTRY, which simultaneously amps up the pressure by emphasizing over and over what an important day it is and how it has to be perfect, while also charging 3 to 4 times as much for every service just because it has the word "wedding" in it.

n/a k-otm

Basically, wedding industry = evil.

thanks, Ned

most of the weddings I've ended have been splashy affairs.

I have to be misreading this!

novemberrain.mpg

WHY DOES LOW-KEY NEVER WANT TO ROCK?

actually I don't think anyone has ever talked to me about their impending wedding. is this because my friends are guys? because they know better? because I black out in a murderous rage? not sure!

Basically, wedding industry = evil.

Try dying, sheesh. Then you'll see an evil industry. But you're right. Just behind car dealerships in integrity.

n/a is correct, if you actually managed to plan the wedding without ever telling the ppl that you are throwing a wedding the event would be half price. the problem is that it is basically impossible to do this.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings?

Not at all, I totally agree. We definitely wanted things to be nice and put a lot of thought/effort into the things that were important to us (music, food, etc.) but I think we were pretty laid back overall. That said, I totally agree with what n/a said too. Even low-key takes a lot of work.

If you ever want to get frightened - visit theknot.com. Those ladies are SCARY.

Also - n/a - I saw your wife post about your wedding on another wedding site (not the knot) which I was looking at because of an upcoming wedding I'm going to be in. I saw the post and was like hey - they're from ILX!! Anyway, the whole thing looked gorgeous.

theknot's message boards are like the actual center of evil in the universe. i couldn't understand like 80% of the posts for all the insane acronyms they made up.

I never get tired of talking about buying houses.

Neither does G. You guys should get together.

Jaymc, haha. I employ my poor typing skills on ILx for the greater comic good.

BLOOD DIAMONDS

Seriously Ally. The profiles some of those women have are disturbing.

PIX PLZ

Well, "low key" can mean not-inviting people, which if you come from large, extended families and friend circles, isn't going to go over.
as a recently wedded fellow, I had the priviledge of opting out on much of the hystreria of planning surrounding the event, but eventually answered the call of duty to be the lighting rod for all the spirit and emotion of the rite. Tremendously stressfull, but meaningful, and worth the struggle when your whole relationship to family is transformed.

n/a - the fact that your reasonable small-scale wedding still took loads of organizing and money is precisely what I mean by "modern weddings"

possibly I am just uninformed about weddings of the past, but it seems to me that up through much of the past century, the vast, vast majority of ordinary people got married in simple-ass ways that would today be considered somehow shameful and secretive, akin to eloping -- and what we today like to think of as a normal middle-class wedding would in the recent past have registered as a pretty elaborate show of social standing

i realize a lot of that probably has to do with relative adjustments of what "middle-class" entails, etc., but point being it seems like there's been an insane inflation of wedding expectations that does not match at all with anything happening economically or class-wise

Not only have you never had to deal with the wedding industry if you've never planned a wedding, you've also probably never had to plan an event that simultaneously pleases you, your fiancee and BOTH OF YOUR FAMILIES. And you will wind up conceding some points to each of your parents, and frankly you should because the wedding is not just for you.

Nabisco, in the times you're talking about, people and their families tended to largely live together in the same villages and attend the same churches.

Our wedding was v small and I think the whole thing cost less than £2k, but that's partly due to having extremely dysfunctional family so having to invite extended family wasn't a problem! Plus registry office & reception in back room of pub doesn't cost much.

I mean it would be awesome if my fiance's mom could have just made her a wedding dress, for example, but her mom's a 60-hour a week accountant and I don't think she's much of a seamstress.

this is just my experience, but i think it's weird that people will offer you lots of advice on weddings, but hardly anyone will offer up advice about marriage itself.

like on the root level there would seem to be a big change in the notion of even having a "wedding" event (as opposed to going to a justice of the peace with your parents, or just standing up in your own church one day and all your aunts cooking something for after)

granted, about a million social factors also involved, like people having more and closer friends, people marrying older, more and more of an idea of marriage as an important life-choice event (as opposed to a private inter-family transaction), and so on and so on and so on

it's the idea that's it's so INESCAPABLE that frightens me: it seems like avoiding the whole thing could involve just as much effort and hassle as just going through with it already

(xpost Hurting I am not talking about people living in VILLAGES, I'm talking about the urban and suburban US through, I dunno, the 60s or even 70s? -- but I'm not pretending to know anything about the history of American weddings here, so please correct if I'm mistaken)

Not only have you never had to deal with the wedding industry if you've never planned a wedding, you've also probably never had to plan an event that simultaneously pleases you, your fiancee and BOTH OF YOUR FAMILIES. And you will wind up conceding some points to each of your parents, and frankly you should because the wedding is not just for you.

so OTM

After getting married and attending many, many weddings, I now understand that it is impossible to please everyone. My mother was just going on about how great my wedding was, but then she started on, "although it would have been nice if it was in a church..." Okay, GET OVER IT, IT WAS ALMOST TWELVE YEARS AGO!

Well, people didn't used to believe they NEEDED a "wedding" dress -- if they could afford a nice new dress, they bought one, and wore it. The "white wedding" is a Victorian construct, I think. There's a lot to be said for the relative historical simplicity of marrying in your local population, though, and having family and worship centers already nearby. And having the "reception" just be a group dinner that the women of the community/church get ready on time.

XXXP

Nabisco - I originally wanted what you're talking about. The problem is that most weddings aren't really just about the couple getting married and yes, people have some strange expectations about weddings these days. That's pretty much how our "really small private wedding" ended up being a 90 person affair with loads of my parents' friends in attendence.

Twelve terrible, haunting, and painful years for Jesus.

xxpost

lol @ ned the homewrecker

Add step-parents' families into the mix and things get really confusing

The white wedding dress thing really is a big ripoff, and in retrospect I would have changed that. I walked away with a great suit that I can wear to any job interview, while my wife is just stuck with a really long hanging bag in the closet.

because the wedding is not just for you.

Yeah, see, I really don't believe this.

OH WAIT BTW!

these crazy people with their crazy weddings turn into crazy parents who invite dozens of people to their kid's birthday party.

Yeah, see, I really don't believe this.

neither do I, exactly. I mean, the actual marriage is the thing. Without that, you wouldn't have a wedding, you'd through some meat on the grill and tell everybody to bring a six pack.

throw, not through

I am defined by barbecue. I believe this.

My dress was $200. I just ordered a simple ivory bridesmaid's dress and am now thinking of having it died so I can get some more use out of it. I honestly don't understand people who spend $$$$$ on dresses they'll never wear again.

Wait MM - what do you mean you don't believe that? I mean ideally it should just be about the couple but unfortunately in most cases it's not.

sorry dress thing was x post!!

If I remember my reading correctly there was a big flip in wedding expectations somewhere around the end of WWII -- when a whole bunch of middle- or even working-class young people wanted to get married and settle down, and to do it with a bit of extra festivity. (Before this time it's likely that everyone was aware of the extravagant weddings of the priviliged but never expected to have one.) Also, beading and embellishments for silly dresses got a lot cheaper when the handwork of assembling the trim could be outsourced to the Far East even when the garment was constructed in the US. Add the excesses of the '80s and the royal wedding of that decade being an exercise in every froufy thing, and peoples' palates were primed, I guess.

Ah, the legacy of Diana

My wife's dress wasn't expensive either -- until my aunt insisted on paying for alterations because it wasn't "special" enough.

I got a great suit for my wedding as well, which I managed to wear twice more after that, once to a friend's wedding, and then to a work awards dinner, at which some cunt managed to burn holes in the back with a cigarette while I was at the roulette table. So I don't have a suit any more :(

My wife got her wedding dress off Ebay! It was from a Russian company that made them for about $100.

Wait MM - what do you mean you don't believe that? I mean ideally it should just be about the couple but unfortunately in most cases it's not.

Well couples shouldn't let it be. This way madness lies. It's *your* marraige, not your family's. What do they want a big party for? To show you off to friends and say "look how handsome/pretty my kid is" and "how well off we are". No, sorry. Not worth it. If they just want to celebrate *your* marriage there are other ways this can be done that's not so elaborate. Parents should not live through their children, especially adult children.

OK, maybe this is what the people who spend the big bucks on their dresses do with them afterwards. http://www.bridalarmoirecompany.com/home.html Oh my god.

I plan on making a quilt or pillows or something out of mine.

XP See, I believe it (the wedding not being just the couple's), because none of you have met my mother. My sister's wedding, when I was 18, was, quite frankly, a disturbing event for me, in all it's full-blown Polish Catholic wedding ("must be in the church! we have to invite your 2nd cousin Stashu, whom you've never met") grandeur. Quite frankly, it's put me off the idea entirely.

because the wedding is not just for you.

Yeah, see, I really don't believe this.

-- Ms Misery, Wednesday, June 27, 2007 7:15 PM (6 minutes ago)

Yeah, but sometimes it doesn't matter what you believe. I don't know what your family situation is. I do know that in the end, I wasn't willing to keep fighting to not have a wedding cake just because I thought it was a pointless extravagance when there was already desert, because my mom really really wanted one and I just didn't care enough to fight it. In the end most of the wedding was what my wife and I wanted, chosen and planned by us. But we inevitably had to concede some things.

So does that mean you have to go along with it? You don't have to concede to anything you don't want to.

Well couples shouldn't let it be. This way madness lies. It's *your* marraige, not your family's. What do they want a big party for? To show you off to friends and say "look how handsome/pretty my kid is" and "how well off we are". No, sorry. Not worth it. If they just want to celebrate *your* marriage there are other ways this can be done that's not so elaborate. Parents should not live through their children, especially adult children.

Totally agreed but these things are just so complicated. In our case it wasn't worth making a huge issue over so we found ways to compromise so that we were all happy. We also threw a big after party at a bar for all our friends which we dee jayed ourselves. That was a blast and totally made the whole thing feel more "ours."

No, you don't have to. But some things are not worth the fight when there's already so much stress. There were some things we refused to concede, of course.

My wedding role model = Britney Spears-Federline

I hear there is some new trend of brides destroying their dresses post-wedding as a kind of catharsis after The Horror that is preparation for the supposed happiest day of one's life -- burning them, throwing them in the sea, but sadly no paintballing. (I assume I heard this from the NYT mag or something.)

Yeah that reminds me I didn't want a wedding cake, because I don't like wedding cake, I wanted a chocolate cake instead. But my grandma insisted, and got me a separate chocolate sponge cake to put next to it.

xpost

Yeah, parents shouldn't live through their children, obv. But, they're your parents. You're stuck with'em. What are you going to do? Well, I know what I'm going to do whenever and if that happens, and I dread the day I tell my mother.

Before the post-war era, yeah, young people of normal means got married in their parents' or grandparents' parlor and served whatever sort of buffet or meal the house and/or kitchen could accomodate.

I think people's family issues are showing w/r/t who, exactly, a wedding is for. For my part, I am on awesome terms w/ my entire Michigan-side extended family and couldn't imagine having a life-changing ceremony that they weren't there to share in, and pledge their support for my new whatever whatever. They are my community! And they're going to be related to my future children, and have a large stake in seeing my martial venture(s) succeed. So...how is that not any of their business?

Of course I am perpetually single so my mileage may vary on this point.

Well the whole idea that isn't about you just struck me as completely wrong. Of course it's about you, it's your fucking marriage and relationship! If you choose to let others decide/direct/participate for whatever reason than that's your conscious, willing choice not a universal law for how things should be.

Inviting people you love to share in your day is one thing. Letting them force their opinions and tastes on you is another.

haha our wedding was definitely our party. not in a church; officiated by an internet minister (my uncle-in-law). my stepfather was one of the "groomsmen" (though they could wear whatever they wanted) and my real father was not. the bride's father didn't even come because we did not invite his bitch of a wife. i did the music on a laptop, there was pie instead of cake, and there are pics of the bride swigging from her own personal bottle of champagne.

No, you don't have to. But some things are not worth the fight when there's already so much stress. There were some things we refused to concede, of course.

Exactly.

Nabisco - www.trashthedress.com

Mmmm, wedding pie.

whoops - http://www.trashthedress.com

wedding pie: http://www.dangerouspies.com/

Well the whole idea that isn't about you just struck me as completely wrong. Of course it's about you, it's your fucking marriage and relationship!

"It's not only about you" =/= "It's not about you"

Normally I am all for championing people's right to make decisions that alienate others; if those Others have resisted being cajoled or convinced of a perfectly rational thing, it's probably their own fault. But weddings are tricky business partly because mothers are tricky business. Mothers should, arguably, learn to butt out and focus on improving their OWN lives, but you know, mothers tend to love us in a very particular way that makes things messy, and since I have not been one, I hesitate to be all BACK OFF BITCH GET YR HOOKS OFF ME FOR A CHANGE JESUS.

mookieproof I like how you party

I love how this thread has turned from dickish friends getting married to planning weddings. Nobody's Prawn seems just to have dissappeared. . .

I think part of the deal with having to concede to your parents' wishes is that in many cases they're contributing financially.

not to mention genetically

ew

If I get married before my grandmother dies, I'll probably have to invite my uncles' families.

After she's passed, fuck 'em, we'll probably never speak again.

Laurel, you're totally right. Mothers ARE tricky business. My sister (keep in mind, that marriage ended really sadly 2 years later) and I are hoping she (the Moms) got the "Big Wedding With a Really Terrible Live Band" out of her system, and she'll chill a bit more when another rolls around.

You know what's weird? When I agreed with Sam that the wedding is YOUR day etc, family didn't even cross my mind! I guess I was just thinking of a big party for all my friends, and I wouldn't even TELL my family about it.

yr parents taught you how to sex, not how to party

mostly they taught me to stay away from your parents.

Kenan, if I didn't tell my mom that I was getting married, she'd cry. Buckets.

Please. My mother would kill me.

Yeah, mine too, but she wasn't my first thought... or even my third. I'm sure I'd get around to telling her.

My Dad called his Mom in Germany after they get married and told her the news. She never let him live it down but he knew it would have been worse had she been involved.

got married

I can't imagine my mom actually interfering. If I wanted to dress as Beetlejuice and have my bride wear red, she'd disapprove and be embarrassed, but she wouldn't be able to stop me.

haha likewise.

My future MIL has more pull on her spawn but she's so low key she wouldn't give a shit.

Asserting your "independence" by refusing to give a single inch to your parents is, paradoxically, pretty childish.

My mother's lucky to be a part of my life at all and she knows this. Which is why she doesn't push. Literally, my brother and I should have grown up in foster care.

Yeah, that's the thing -- I wouldn't be "refusing to give a single inch," because my mother would not have any demands. And of course I'm not dressing as Beetlejuice. That would be silly.

No, I think you should.

It's also difficult to tell your parents that it's your wedding and you'll do what they want when they have essentially paid for 75% of everything involved.

ah, yes, there is that.

I'm feeling more and more lucky that I come from criminally dysfunctional, completely penniless family.

Except for the whole being horribly parented and not nurtured and needing therapy and having bad/no intergenerational ties? Oh yeah, totally lucky.

oh, I don't. Not at all! But if I talk about that anymore, I'll feel like I'm cheating on my therapist.

xpost HA

Obv. I was joking Laurel. I do not need a random internet person to thoughtlessly rub my own bad hand in life in my face.

Hm, sorry Miz, that seemed awfully pointed at you when I was thinking of other people actually.

XP

possibly me.

Maybe Kenan's more thick-skinned with his Beaumont upbringing then.

Hey You Horribly Parented and Not Nurtured and Needing Therapy Types! You're not DEFINED by etc etc

Family issues kill marriage hating thread. Sorry.

BLOOD DIAMONDS

-- mookieproof, Wednesday, June 27, 2007 6:59 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Link

the most OTM thing on this thread

i'd much rather have the down payment on a home or 1,000 amazing records than all this frou frou bullshit

Good thing no one wants to marry you then.

or 1,000 amazing records

Are you single?

i think he's married! and has a kid!

";)"

i'd much rather have the down payment on a home or 1,000 amazing records than all this frou frou bullshit

-- sanskrit, Wednesday, June 27, 2007 8:21 PM (57 seconds ago) Bookmark Link

sanskrit OTM. we "eloped"= judge married us in chambers, no witnesses, and we're all happy now. my mother in law got over it, no big deal.

xxpost

haha! Of course. This is ILx. . .

lol

I would def. be down for eloping but I think my other would want to the family to witness. I'd like actually for it to happen in their backyard. they have three acres by a creek it'd be great, the dogs could come. As far as our friends. . .eh we ain't going to get those bums drunk on our dime. ;)

Robble robble xp

Guys, if you think the wedding stuff is bad, wait until you're married but get couple-dumped by your friends who have kids when you don't.

The best option is to just stop having friends. Too much trouble.

The best option is to just stop having friends kids. Too much trouble.

Have neither!

Guys, if you think the wedding stuff is bad, wait until you're married but get couple-dumped by your friends who have kids when you don't.

I am really scared of this! Most of my friends either don't want kids or not for a few years so I think we're alright for a while.

People who have kids and dump their friends with no kids are idiots. Instead they should offer to "let" them babysit.

I stand by my offer that I will babysit your kids as long as you teach them how to make a good mixed drink.

Auntie Mame would be proud.

I am totally willing to do that if John is willing to babysit in drag and learn to sing "We Need a Little Christmas."

I would suggest that if John is going to babysit in drag he should be required to wear a bra.

Of course. That goes without saying.

I think all guys should wear bras around for a few days. Underwire. In the heat of the summer.

Also pantyhose. And I'm envisioning a feather boa in the color of his choice. xpost

lol Sam.

Yes I wouldn't presume since I don't know either of you but I just think it's universal.

Well, if that scenario isn't the definition of "CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES INTERVENTION", I'm not sure what is.

xposts MY MAN-CANS REQUIRE FREEDOM.

xxp YES!!!! It's ridiculously hot here today and I'm dying. I can't wait to go home and lose the bra. Not fair!

xpost

So do my twins! But they must be restrained. I just want the opposite sex to appreciate my bondage.

John, John, John. Seriously. I am the small cat.

Guys, if you think the wedding stuff is bad, wait until you're married but get couple-dumped by your friends who have kids when you don't.

MY MAN-CANS REQUIRE FREEDOM.

Really trying not to think about what this means.

I believe it means that John has an open relationship with his nipples, but again I wouldn't presume.

MY MAN-CANS REQUIRE FREEDOM.

http://www.analogy1.com/uploaded_images/0_24_beer2-796842.jpg

Either of those interpretations seem equally plausible to me. And I say that as someone who went to high school with John.

Is that the trash-compacter thing from Return of the Jedi?

I appreciate bondage.

i wasn't going to step in this married but get couple-dumped by your friends who have kids when you don't sounds like absolute horseshit. my s.o. experienced the reverse, a lifelong friend pretty much dropped contact with her because she couldn't handle the fact my s.o. was going to have a kid.

if anything, couples with children try harder to make efforts to see or hang out with childless friends. tho sometimes it's only by living vicariously through them.

the only people who get dropped are mere acquaintances and flaky friends. the former because of time constraints and the latter because they have no concept of schedules.

I assume that John has gone somewhere to toy with his cans.

Part of the reason that friendships break up is that people do not understand this absolute, iron rule: when you have a baby, you have a free pass to never call, write, phone, or visit for six months. Everyone else must handle these social responsibilities for you by being proactive. But we don't live in a child-having-friendly society.

<i>But we don't live in a child-having-friendly society.</i>

hi, this is bullshit. that's all, i'm out again.

wu-tang is for the child-having

Yeah, what is it with people whose lives don't exactly tie in with yours? Bastards. Expecting a bit of give and take in a friendship, Jesus, do they think you're, like, considerate? Respectful?

ghost rider more like ghost dad, lol

But we don't live in a child-having-friendly society.

calling bullshit, seconded.

I see the misinterpret everything shift has clocked in.

calling bullshit on lazy bullshit callers

I don't think it is society that is not child-friendly, I think it is just that people without kids have no real understanding about what having kids is really like. Similarly, you can't really know what being married is like until you are married.

Let's stay on topic here:

http://www.yunasville.com/img/102005/dogbra.jpg

John, that is a strange choice of wedding dress.

That is also a strange choice of bride.

If we're such a child-unfriendly society, why I can't I eat out or see a movie without some dipshits bringing their infant along to serenade us with whining+crying+throwing food?

humansuit, i am indeed lazy today. perhaps you were being facetious? zzz

milo, that's not what he meant. He meant what sara said.

there are no children allowed in the champagne room

I don't much like kids, either, but I don't have any friends with kids yet. I will love the kids of people I like. :)

Usually, I require other people to speak for me, it's true. Perhaps I'm the Joe Biden of ILX.

As for children watching movies, I watched the cell next to a couple who brought a child whom I would estimate at five years of age.

"The Cell" that is.

What Sara said - if that's what humansuit meant - has nothing to do with society being child-having unfriendly.

We all make numerous concessions to baby-havers at every turn. If some friends tire of having to do all the work in a relationship, that doesn't make them (or everyone who just doesn't understand) intolerant of breeding.

Six months, Milo. You must give us SIX FUCKING MONTHS.

I don't wanna.

OK. Five months, and then when I call you up you must babysit in drag.

I don't much like kids, either, but I don't have any friends with kids yet. I will love the kids of people I like. :)

-- kenan, Wednesday, June 27, 2007 9:13 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/7419/window2ol2.gif

One of my coworker's wife just had a baby, and he was DEEPLY MOVED. We went out for drinks Friday night, and all he talked about the whole time was how he cried at the bris, and then as he got drunker regaled us us with more and more arcane practices of Judaism. It was supremely irritating. He's a nice guy, though... will he be back to normal in six months?

Also, I'm not a pedophile, that's mean.

I am sufficiently surly around children that I've never been asked to babysit.

You know that scene in Knocked Up where Seth Rogen plays fetch with the kids? That's me, every time I'm expected to play with children. I don't know what else you're supposed to do - I don't want to touch the filthy little things and it's not like we can do a crossword together.

poor kenan ;_;

Perhaps, but it will get worse before then as he goes into a tailspin of bris and sleep deprivation.

xxx that is.

It's BEING married, for years, that defines (some/most) people.

people who are married

but that's the way it's supposed to be!

He will likely get back to normal eventually. The first 6 weeks are insane, kind of like a really long hazing ritual. Infants sleep a lot, but they keep waking you up, so your sleep cycles are constantly interrupted. There are 4 years between my kids and I didn't remember the full reality of this with #2 until after she was born.

xxxpost

He might become the kind of boring fuck that never talks about anything but his kids. This is when you either realise that your friendship transcends this, or that he's no longer the person you were friends with this because he's stopped being a person and started being a parent.

Well, there really are worse things in the world than paying a lot of attention to your children and not going out drinking with your buddies all the time.

Being married doesn't "define" you, but it does change you in ways you could never anticipate.

We had what I presume is a "modern wedding". It involved a lot of people, a lot of help from people, a lot of money, a lot of transatlantic and cross-country travel, a lot of time and effort and quite possibly an overabundance of small details. A lot of which could have been avoided if we'd elected to do things a different way. But actually, it was great and worth the bother for any number of reasons. I wouldn't denigrate anyone else who chose a similar fate, no matter how tiresome their obsessions with place settings and photographers, etc.

ILX - CONSISTENT RAY OF SUNSHINE VS. NEVERENDING RAINBOW?

xposts

btw, to get back to the original topic, I think this person isn't so much being defined by getting married as having a great big upcoming event which is taking over their life for the foreseeable future. There's a horrible mistake which many people make, which is confusing the "organising a wedding" thing with the "getting married" thing with the "being married" thing. They may be intertwined, but they aren't the same.

Wow, single people are dicks.

OFF TO MAKE A POLL THREAD.

This poll better contain the option "whippin' shitties".

TOO LATE:(

also, if possible, "gettin some strange"

lol pussy

START YOUR OWN POLL BITCHES.

WRT original post, that's really awful to not invite someone for that reason, particularly when you HAVE been interested, in fact they should consider themselves lucky to have ONE acquaintance who doesn't ask 'So how are the wedding plans coming along?' constantly for however many months.

However, I know it's not the same, but my friend had a couple of very flakey friends who she invited to hers. Pretty much everyone had to travel a fair way to it and one of these flakies didn't turn up and the other one, who she considered to be a close friend, it later turned out pretty much had to be forced to come by another guest because he's a lazy bastard who couldn't be bothered to borrow a suit off his mate on the day even though he'd had 10 months to think about this. It was a pretty close event with sit-down 3-course meal provided for everyone and I know she was a bit disappointed that these couple of people had been so half-arsed about it. It's not like it was a particularly formal or scary affair either.

I think a lot of it's to do with the age of the people and their experiences of weddings. A younger group of friends might not be au fait with certain expectations that older people may have (me included as I know nearly nothing about wedding traditions and what's expected/not expected)

How much does a wedding cost, roughly, if you want to make it ok? Where does that money go?

An ex of mine is paying out $2K, which is apparently the marriage equivalent of parting the Red Sea while simultaneously turning water into wine.

The groom is a notorious douchebag, though, so it's pretty much guaranteed to suxor. Also, probably no free booze which equals shit wedding in my book.

wtf is it with ILX0rs and their horrible families

our wedding was 50 people, ceremony outdoors on a cliff overlooking the ocean, then dinner at a little English guesthouse down the hill, homemade mead, no interference from parents, cost a few thousand bucks. The only things that went wrong was the alienation of one of my wife's longtime friends (which had been brewing for years anyway). It was really mellow. Dad paid for our honeymoon in Amsterdam and that was that.

(no free booze?!? = RONG)

(I should point out that said alienation occurred at least 6 months prior to the wedding and was just some stupid e-mail fight that got way out of hand and turned ugly quick = end result, bitch didn't come to wedding, hasn't spoken to my wife since)

xpost

not necessarily: "in lieu of gifts, BYOB"

If there's anything I learned from getting married, it is that you should have an open bar. My cousins' wedding last week had a cash bar for wine and beer... no mixed drinks. It could have been so much more fun.

What I also learned from my cousin's wedding: there are some vocal solos that go on far too long.

Free beer - essential.
Cash bar for mixed drinks? Eh, not my idea of a good time, but as long as it's married to free beer, it's OK.
Paying for wine @ wedding - you've got to be kidding me.

NO, I mean open bar for all booze (wine, beer, mixed drinks, whatever else). Seriously. Get married ONE time, make sure all guests are happy.

Also, yeah, I was like, huh, I could buy some wine, but that is like paying for Instant Headache, so I just decided to skip it.

I was really surprised to find that the three weddings I went to in England were all cash bar except for the 2 hours during dinner when we were served wine. I think all the US weddings I've been to (all three of them including my own) have been open bar.

Obviously, I agree in principle with ALL FREE BOOZE ALL THE TIME, but as long as the beer is free, I'll accept paying for booze.

Really couldn't give a fuck about the wine either way, TBH.

(I might still be bitter about the otherwise super-fun wedding I went to a few weeks ago in which the only free thing to drink was crappy champagne.)

Music and booze are defintely the most important things at a wedding. Nobody cares about the chocolate bars with personalized wrapper favors.

It's common in the UK to have cash bars - every wedding I've been too has been (including my own).

I'm always happy to go to a wedding, have fun, give a nice gift, travel far, pay for a hotel... whatever it takes. All I ask in return is a couple of free mixed drinks and free reign to privately think everyone else's wedding was not as cool as mine.

x-post I know but it's not that common in the US so it was really surprising at first.

xpost No one cares about the chocolate favors, but they can be made memorable. We had chocolates with "A" or "S" on them. I distinctly remember one of my bridesmaids spelling out "ASS" in chocolates and passing it down the table to me.

Pfft, my wedding reception had no bar, but that's because a) my wife and I paid for it ourselves and were teh poor, and b) we were both at the time strict born-again Xtians and didn't believe in it. But very few people in either of our families drink anyway, and our friends didn't care. It was all very much on the cheap. If I had to do it over again now, MUCH DIFFERNT.

As to my apparently controversial (!) couples-dumping statement, I'm just speaking from the experience of a circle of, like, 6-7 couples, 3 of whom had kids all around the same time, and while understandably they wanted to share their child-raising experiences w/each other, after my wife and I did some babysitting for two of them, after a few months, we never heard from them again. There are other friends of mine who have had kids and pretty much nothing about our relationships have changed.

x-post - OK, that's pretty awesome. I've actually seen some really cute favors but overall that's one of the details that I think some people get stuck on when it's really pretty minor in the whole scheme of things.

Phil, that is a pretty different situation, wow. (Believe me, the likely content of a born-again Xtian wedding would probably torment me more than no bar.)

ENBB, I think my mother picked those chocolates (she was crazy into details and I was just happy to let her do whatever she wanted, as long as it wasn't all hearts and flowers). But yeah - there are people who work for hours on favors and honestly, I don't remember any favors from any other wedding. And I would have forgotten the chocolates if it weren't for Drunk Bridesmaid!

I was at a family wedding recently that was open bar for beer and wine and cash bar for mixed drinks, but the only beer was Miller Lite and the red was a pretty cheap Merlot, and at that point I would've gladly paid more for good stuff.

Oh man, I wish my friend was here so I could ask him to tell me the details of THE WORST WEDDING EVER. Two things that stand out in my mind are - no booze at all and OUTHOUSES in the rain!!!

Okay, OUTHOUSES?! Wow.

I kind of dread outdoor weddings, but I can't say I've ever run into that!

We only did beer and wine because we paid for 80% of it ourselves. That did not stop groomsmen from drinking loads and loads of SCOTCH.

We went wine and beer only (free of course, and decent stuff too) and no one seemed to mind - it was an outdoor wedding on a pretty warm day, and the whole feel was more mellow than "let's get trashed."

People were driving long distances too, and honestly I didn't want anyone leaving my wedding too drunk.

Also, $2K on a wedding = homemade food, BYOB, dress made of hobo paper

I find the idea that you have to have hard liquor at a wedding to have a good time kind of dumb.

Our wedding wound up running a little over 10k. In the NYC/NJ area, that's cheap (and it really wasn't bad split between us and both sets of parents)

Dan, nothing was going to stop us from drinking all the SCOTCH. Not money, not social propriety, not vomiting.

xpost: I know people that don't drink beer or wine, so they probably wouldn't agree.

It probably IS dumb, but that is what happens when you grow up with liquor store owners for parents.

Not dancing on glass, not vanishing into mysterious convenience stores...

god that was such a good time

(I don't even want to contemplate what the total bill was of wedding + reception + honeymoon; I am still paying it off 8 years later)

Also, since they were paying, and being completely mentally ill about stuff (Mom: You can't have a buffet; you must have a sit down dinner and it must be SERVED!), the booze thing seemed minor to me.

</end spoiled rich girl commentary>

PS If my wedding sounds crazy, you should have seen my sister's. 500+ guests!

HI DERE - WEDDING PLANNER TO TEH STARZ.

I'm actually a little surprised that we all survived that wedding intact.

hah i was looking through my sister's 'wedding book' (yeah she has a wedding book, also reads theknot.com) last weekend and noticed a preliminary estimate for the food etc. and saw '3 hours of bar' and was like 'oh you have got to be kidding me you are only letting us drink for three hours?" but then she explained it's an hour pre-dinner, wine served with dinner, and then two more hours of bar after dinner during dancing. i still think that's cutting it short bc my family has been known to drink for <strike>hours and hours</strike>days on end, but i guess you have to draw the line somewhere!

being close to all this wedding craziness (i can't believe no one's brought up the ridiculousness of the bridal shower yet!) has helped me confirm that i want to elope. i had a cousin who very successfully eloped, then had a party for only people over 18 in her parents' backyard. low key but awesome. still money, yes, but not nearly as much ridiculous. i asked my father if i could have wedding $ for grad school instead and he didn't take me seriously :-\

oh i forgot to convert html for the strike through. oh well.

anyway, this wedding is spinning into a larger and larger affair, about 175 guests invited i think, but 85% is probably my mother's family. i don't know why she insists on inviting her second cousin's daughters and their spouses (whose weddings i wasn't invited to even when i lived in the same town as them! not that i'm hurt by that, i don't know them!), but you can't convince her it is not necessary.

NYC/NJ area, that's cheap

True. Ours was also in that area and I was AMAZED by how much certain things cost.

Opening gifts at the shower was one of the most awkward moments of my life. I should be glad though because I got off easy. There wasn't a wishing well in sight and they didn't make me wear a stupid hat.

Okay 500+ guests isn't a wedding, that's a church revival. We had 175 and I thought that was excessive headcount (for us).

Kyl3 had 350 at his wedding; the reception was in a room that was something like 60% the size of the ballroom J & I had for our reception. There's nothing quote so romantic as a reception dinner where you have to grind your ballsack against the backs of people's heads in order to squeeze between the chairs around the tables.

so yeah even though my sister is def. guilty of being a little wedding-obsessed, some of it is bc she's trying to plan on a much larger scale than originally intended to keep my mother happy, which i guess is something you just deal with esp. when the rents are paying for most of it.

someone else told me that every person they know who's planned a wedding in the past few years has at some point in the process remarked, 'i'm starting to realize that this wedding is really more for the parents' and i guess that is mostly true these days, regardless of how much people want to fight it.

that is cheap, hurting! i think sister's is going to end up 2-3x that and it's in buffalo!
xposts

x-post -- Business as usual, surely.

I'm always amazed when I hear about such large weddings but that's probably because I come from a really small family - I only have six living blood relatives and four of them live out of the country.

(Meantime, these wedding costs are kinda making my jaw drop. But I suspect I would feel the same way if I saw exactly how much it costs to raise a kid.)

Little Sister's wedding reception took up the entire Steamboat Inn.

Best moment for me: realizing that a woman I knew as "Carly the Stripper" was a guest. (I "met" Carly through my job at Victoria's Secret; she bought lingerie to "dance" in).

NED DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE COSTS OF RAISING CHILDREN; THAT WAY MADNESS LIES

ok wau @ Steamboat Inn

xpost

inviting every distant relative on the planet to your child's wedding is a handy way of letting them know not only that you have more money, social standing, and a better-adjusted nuclear family than they have, but also that you are the keystone / center of gravity for the entire clan, and that their small-time weddings are obscure distant-relative affairs of lesser importance in the group narrative of The Family

(no kidding!)

worst idea at a wedding: having a kids table. the little bastards kept knocking their champagne glasses trying to get the bride and groom to kiss. i was the surly bridesmaid, who took advantage of the free bar, and gave them the "cut it out" action, of dragging my finger across my neck. they were afraid of me after that.

chicken dance for the bridal party dance wasn't such a bad idea, though. i am happy there is no video footage of this, that i know of.

xpost- tehresa, where in buffalo? my sister had her wedding in some place on dick road (for realz).

I would totally go to any wedding that featured strippers in the ceremony.

I'm old-fashioned that way.

err, reception on dick road.

Dan, I'm just bitter because I was pregnant and pretty damn hungry by the end of the day and H's husband was like, "WOW SARA, YOU CAN EAT A LOT!!!"

xpost

the wedding is actually in my grandparents' backyard (which is several acres, v. pretty) in hamburg and then we all get to figure out how to get to the historical society in downtown for the reception! at least there will be a drunk bus back to hotels after that :)

For a second I thought "reception on dick road" was a response to the "any wedding that featured strippers" line.

John, the stripper was a guest, not a bridesmaid. I know this is a disappointment. But there's still time for you to make your own choices.

i think she originally wanted everything at the grandparents but then people started freaking about what if it rained so historical society was thrust upon them and before she knew it, a deposit had been put down and that was that. it seems like a v. pretty location though!
xposts

oh! i used to work at the historical society! the receptions there are SO PRETTY with the japanese gardens and delaware park right there! that's going to be really nice!

you can hang out with leon czolgosz's pistol!

yeah i'm sure it will be very nice! i'm just concerned about all the not-driving people getting a) to hamburg and then b) back to buffalo because i will be damned if i rent a car. i figure that i'm already spending ~$1000 on this anyway!

also, buffalo in august: hot!!!

hmmph i wish my sister was not so conservative and had stripper guests! she already told me none of the groomsmen are hookup-worthy. i have to do SOMETHING outrageous as the middle sister bridesmaid, right?

and humid! but, i can vouch for the AC at the historical society. regardless, summers in buffalo are A++.

they are!

ha ha ha tehresa - my sister is conservative and she married into a huge, conservative Catholic family. The stripper was the date of one of the black sheep family members.

But yeah, middle sister bridesmaid = a role made for excitement and trouble

(Pregnant older sister/matron of honor = kind of a dull job)

haha wedding madness now spreading to other family members! i just got an e-mail from my cousin:

Dear T,

I know you’re all wedding’d out, but check this out: http://www.xquisiteeventsfl.com/ -- if you click on the wedding section, there’s an amazing bouquet and also a great shot of I think the Biltmore up in NC….

I was an attendant at my Native American cousins wedding - in a long house. The best thing - it's traditional, in Native American culture - to give. So we had all this stuff to give. I handed a child a gift, and her mother said "We can't take it!" I asked why. She said it was because there was supposed to be a performance!
They actually went to the wedding, thinking it was a Native American performance (which it was, but...)
Fortunately, in the Shoshone/Bannock mythology - belief system -religion - it is good luck to have a stranger at the wedding.
Seahdom, my cousin, wore a deerskin wedding dress that was the only thing her Shoshone grandmother was able to save when the tribe was burned off of the land.
The marriage, alas, did not last.
"We thought it was a performance!"
that's a wedding crasher story, huh?

I don't get big trad weddings at all. Sorry to wade in late (stupid time zone) but I'm with MissM, if I'm gettin' married its all about what me and the guy want, and fuck everyone else.

I dont think I'll ever bother getting married though. The idea seems all a bit much, and plus who'd want me anwyay ;_;

fucking everyone else? you mongrels have weird weddings

Hey, spread the love, I say.

;)

i went to a wedding once where at a predetermined point everyone was supposed to follow the bride and groom up some hill; trailing behind them was a guitar player, singing a song, about them i guess. it was kind of indie rock, kind of jonathan richman. i hated it. it ended up being fun, though. weddings are always fun at some point.

Yeah when the booze kicks in and everyone and their granny starts dancing to AC/DC.

one of the saddest company-wide CC'ed e-mails i've ever read was from this girl I sort of knew who called off her wedding (dude split on her) and she was offering up a $10K rental of some jersey reception hall for like $2K or something. felt terrible for her.

sometimes i be like... DAMN!

another good reason to elope, though! if he splits, you can still take a trip w/ a friend and get drunk!

TS discounted reception hall vs. pawn shop wedding ring?

does said pawn shop wedding ring have an inscription to someone else inside?

I can't imagine how incredibly horrible it must feel having someone bail on you just before a wedding. I was dumped after I got engaged and that was bad enough; it was embarrasing having to tell people I wasn't getting married anymore, and I was all "should I give back engagement presents?" luckily I hadn't been given many. God it was so awkward and unpleasant.

xposting all the way back to the thread title...

Hey You Getting Married Types. You're not DEFINED by getting married y'know

Despite the suggestion that this situation was "temporary madness," I can't help if these are people who actually will define themselves by being married, and what you're suffering through over the ceremony is just a more extreme version of how they'll relate to you from now on.

(geez this question touched a nerve! I haven't seen this much activity on a normal ILE question in months)

xpost to Trayce - yes, that would suck, but on the other hand, is it maybe better to go through that than to get married to the the person who didn't actually want to marry you? (Not saying any of these are great options, mind)

mitya - kind of otm. as far as my sister's concerned, getting married is just the first step on her path to becoming the best soccer mom she can be. in fact, her matron of honor is some girl i have never even heard of much less met. the maid of honor also has no idea who this chick is. we finally realized that the matron and her husband represent who my sister wants to be - happily married vegan couple with cute new baby. in fact, they will even share an anniversary (i *hope* that was a coincidence!). my sister barely ever talked to me prior to the beginning of wedding planning, now we talk all the time, but never about anything deeper than china patterns and flowers. i am glad that i get to see and talk to her more often, but if, after the wedding, the conversation moves on only to puppies, babies and houses without so much as a 'hey, how is your life going?' i don't know that our contact will remain as frequent.

that is to say, i am very happy for her and her fiancé and am thrilled to share in the celebration of their love, but you only get *so* long to have a one-track mind, right?

What the hell, ANY party for 100+ people would be a planning nightmare, esp in an era when there is not a lady of the house + her staff to get everything ready, sew new wardrobes, clean, decorate, make food, serve food, clean up; a string quartet for the dancing; a ballroom for the dancing -- this is why party planners exist! And seamstresses, and banquet halls, and godawful DJs, and so on. Whoever said the thing about wife's mother being an accountant and not a seamstress was OTM.

And there is every chance that X percentage of people who throw massive weddings want that for THEMSELVES, not just their parents or mothers or in-laws or whatever. Now, whether people want the bells and whistles for what you and I might consider defensible reasons is endlessly debatable (FUCK U REDDING INDUSTRY) but whatevs, those people are not my problem. Happily!

Hm that said my sister's redding was modest by industry standards, actually (altho not by, say, hippie standards), and happened in the country where you'd think things were cheap, and still cost abt 15K. Which I thought was retardo but on the other hand there was nothing extravagant that stood out that could have been easily excised from the planning, either. And we did a lot ourselves. I suppose 150 people simply cost a lot to feed & seat.

Wd also like to note that 150 peeps was not including every second cousin and distant relation -- in fact not one single person from my dad's family came -- but my mom is one of 5 kids and the groom's mom is one of like 8 kids and even basic aunts and cousins add up. So in closing there can be LOTS of reasons for things.

friends of my parents' daughter who are v. wealthy threw her a 100k wedding and i suspect that most of that was to say 'look how much money we have' (they also did ridiculously extravagant bar and bat mitzvahs for all three of their children). the wife has even gone so far as to buy half the place settings of my sister's china already. the husband flew them up to the shower in his plane. even though sister's ~30k (i'm guessing) wedding is way crazy, thinking about those people puts it in perspective (though i'm sure the wife did have a planner and many many ppl to do her bidding for her while she simply delegated).

yeah this 175 list is mostly mom's family (she is 1 of 6 kids, etc.). groom's immediate family is a little psychotic and he is having some relatives, but not v. many. probably 20 are actually their friends.

i went to a wedding once where at a predetermined point everyone was supposed to follow the bride and groom up some hill; trailing behind them was a guitar player, singing a song, about them i guess.

what the shit

I suppose 150 people simply cost a lot to feed & seat.

THIS IS SO SO SO SO SO TRUE. Our meal alone was $55/person, which was a huge deal given that we were in the Theatre District of Boston across the street from The Wang Center (actually we wanted to have the reception there because HEY, WANG CENTER, but that would have been something like $125/person). We had 175 confirmed guests.

Yes, that math is what we call "totally sucky", especially when you are paying for 80% of that by yourself with no savings. This did not include the free-to-guests beer & wine, church, pastor, flowers, dress, wedding party favors, invitations, etc etc etc god and I am still paying it off, argh.

let's face it, the only good thing about weddings is dan perry in a rocking ensemble.

AND BOOZE

I suppose 150 people simply cost a lot to feed & seat

Very very true. Two of my friends getting married next year are having their weddings at AMAZING locations and saving $$ by having cocktail receptions instead of a full dinner. There will still be plenty of food and they get to have their ideal venues.

Dan, I feel for you - it's so expensive. We were really lucky in that our parents paid for 80% of ours. If had been left up to us we'd probably have had to have the reception at Charlie's Kitchen.

xxpost

Basically our formula for keeping it cheap went like this:

- self-designed invitations
- food from awesome local Turkish eatery where we were regular customers (and that doesn't usually cater big events)
- separate vendors for tableware (very minimal) and servers, allowing us to shop around for cheapest price
- venue for a song -- a botanical garden at our school rented at alumni price
- beer & wine only
- minimal flowers since we were in a fucking garden
- minimal other decorations (just some paper lanterns and string lights to make the pavilion look less like a picnic area)
- friend's band for cheap
- dad was the rabbi
- friend (a pro) did photography for cheap and we printed the shots ourselves at target
- we both have small families, so having 100 people meant pretty much everyone we wanted

All of this involved shitloads of legwork though - coordinating, shopping around etc. I mean I drove to showrooms in bizarre, hidden parts of NJ, by myself, to compare and photograph tablecloths. And we planned the whole thing in under 6 months.

And we still had to hire someone to manage the whole thing on the day of - with set-up, vendors coming and going, etc.

"Invitations"? Why, does someone I know not have email?

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/8264/beefmw4.gif

- minimal flowers since we were in a fucking garden

some friends of mine watching costs put on a beautiful wedding in a west village flower shop, they actually rented the (admittedly upscale) store for cheap during its closing hours. amazing floral arrangements everywhere.

That's brilliant.

Yeah my brother got lucky too, he had his wedding in a big cathedral in Canberra, thathappened to be during Canberra's Floriade festival. And that church happened to have a massive feckoff flower display inside it that they allowed to stay during bro's wedding.

$55 a person? oh i weep for such prices.

signed,
my avoidant personality is really not helping me get my wedding planned in the next year or so

i should just elope but the one thing that makes me really excited is having a party and having a bunch of my friends there, and my family

Our secret to cutting reception costs was to get a coordinator who was vice-president of a wedding coordinators' association and could use her connections and promises of using venues for industry conventions/meetings to get us discounts, ergo we got a (then) 4-star hotel for budget prices!

people without kids have no real understanding about what having kids is really like.

Seeing my friends and my sister have em, I think I have a fairly good idea, ie something I would never fucking do in a million years even if I was straight.

if anything, couples with children try harder to make efforts to see or hang out with childless friends.

Wait a sec -- which planet? Unless you mean hang out w/ childless couples?

i should just elope but the one thing that makes me really excited is having a party and having a bunch of my friends there, and my family

Why not elope and then just have a separate party later? (I think that's what Teeny did.)

Duh, because a party for 100 people is STILL A PAIN IN THE ASS. :)

yes, but that way, you do eliminate the aforementioned problems of family meddling

think of it... you're married, then later you have a big-ass party with wall-to-wall cocaine and strippers.

Ok, maybe not that.

"Invitations"? Why, does someone I know not have email?

Ha, the only reason anyone I know has my address is if they've sent me a wedding invitation. I think it's kind of cute how people I know who are engaged will send me an e-mail and just say, "Can I have your mailing address?" -- as if I don't know what it's for.

wall-to-wall cocaine and strippers.

That's for the bachelor/ette party.

i am already tired of being single among couples-only friends, i cant imagine what happens when they all get married and shit. actually, i have one married couple friend and they are usually pretty fun. but now they got a dog and i will probably never see them outside of their house again.

I wish some of my friends wouldn't presume my wedding preparations were 'consuming me'. They're not! CALL ME! CHAT ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN'T MY WEDDING! IT'S FINE! I WANT TO KEEP UP WITH THE REAL WORLD FANKS! I dunno, praps people think I'm ugly so presume I'm spending all this time on beauty treatments.

I will never get a dog.

maybe some of us have tried to call and chat about things that aren't wedding-related but <you> keep turning the conversation back to china and flowers, etc.!!!

catfight, awesome

Nah. I promise, I'm more sick of the topic than anyone else. It's all just admin. Admin is boring! But getting married is nice. Perhaps we should have just done a registry office thing with just the two of us and a witness.