end movies quicker

after hours - the guy doesn't put his money in the cradle

gandalf flies to mordor on a eagle's back, melts ring. the end.

transformers: race of interstellar, unstoppable giant robots lays waste to earth in approximately 25 minutes

It's this kinda stuff that failed to 'save' I Love Film, huh?

bascially they need to crack down on directors knocking dirt from their spikes and readjusting the velcro on their gloves between every at-bat

die hard - the guy doesn't make fists w/ his toes

Jumanji - they get sucked into the game and were never seen again. The end.

every action movie ever- they shoot the good guy when they have the chance. right in the head.

pirates of the caribbean II - jack has duel on top of rolling waterwheel, loses; dejected crew opens first-ever theme park

star wars - the imperial officer shoots the escape pod anyway. the end.

blade runner - LAPD checks the calendar, notes the escaped replicants only have about a week left, send deckard out for donuts. the end.

28 Weeks Later - two kids to try leave a quarantined area to explore the formerly zombie-infested London, but they're stopped by guards.

wizard of oz - tornado kills

Sleeper: Woody Allen wakes in 2173, immediately suffocates on vastly increased level of CO2 in atmosphere, expires.

H2G2: Ford Prefect held up by roadworks on A403, Vogons destroy Earth.

tron - Flynn spams ENCOM employees with mail advertising free tokens at his arcade if they click on a link. master control pwn3d by dumb users.

the departed - costigan decides not to take the job.

crank - they shoot him in his sleep

Knocked Up - horrified at waking up with Seth Rogen, she stops by Planned Parenthood and takes a morning-after pill before work

final destination - no premonition

Dude I spent the ENTIRETY of 28 Weeks Later doing this. "They're on the bridge! They're sneaking out! You have them in your sights! Just shoot the little fuckers!" I'm still baffled that critics tried to call this some sort of commentary on the folly of American military power: the only moral, in the end, was that if you don't want zombies to take over the whole of Eurasia, you should follow orders, shoot kids when you have the chance, and abandon your family as much as possible. The fucking military system would have worked fine if certain assholes weren't all "no, I'm not gonna shoot a kid."

butterfly effect - he commits suicide in the womb/nver makes friend with lady (WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE FILM WTF)

steel magnolias - they get shot in their sleep

(nb, this one works on lots of films)

Dumb and Dumber - they get shot in their sleep.

You're right!

INLAND EMPIRE - laura dern turns down the film

Talladega Nights - A man driving his pregnant wife to the hospital comes to a sudden halt, forcing the baby through the birth canal, crushing the infant's skull on impact with the car floor.

Glengarry Glen Ross - Alec Baldwin jovially hands out the new leads; Everyone has a record sales month and celebrates w/ karaoke night.

To The Ends Of The Earth - the boat sinks.

Mutiny On The Bounty - the boat sinks.

Is this the "they get shot in their sleep" for nautical films?

24 hour party people - tony wilson doesn't sign joy division

O Brother Where Art Thou? - Clooney, Turturro and Blake-Nelson are shot and killed attempting to escape the chain gang.

Cool Hand Luke - Newman is shot and killed attempting to escape the chain gang.

Life - Murphy and Lawerence are shot and killed attempting to escape the chain gang.

mine are morbid, sorry :(

back to the future - the libyans aim better

The Hunt for Red October -- Tim Curry immediately ascertains the truth and poisons Sean Connery so he can have the most absurd accent.

wargames - david gets hott girlfriend, does teh sex, computer gathers dust

ET - captured by the government. disected.

shrek- princess does not fall in love with ugly fat scottish ogre.

Revenge of the Nerds - All the nerds are given growth hormones during puberty, turning them into jocks who are all welcomed into the Alpha Betas. Dean Ulich is still an asshole.

Donnie Darko - fucker doesn't sleepwalk or time travel or anything stupid like that. Gets killed in crash. Oh wait, isn't that how it did go anyway? I'm confused. THE BOAT SINKS. the end.

Princess Bride - Fred Savage seriously doesn't want to hear about that kissing bullshit. Alternately, fever increases and is rushed to the hospital, no family allowed.

aliens - they nuke the planet from orbit when they arrive. (see "shoot them in their sleep')

goodfellas - "As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a grocer"

The Breakfast Club - The school principal delegates suspension supervision duties to an indifferent teacher who really can't be bothered to assign a 1,000 word essay.

The Ring - No one has VCRs anymore so they can't watch the tape. Everyone watches DVDs happily ever after.

jurassic park- samuel l jackson pwns t-rex.

Close Encounters: Alien craft revealed to be elaborate hoax advertising new talk radio jingle.

batman begin - young bruce wayne and his parents stay in and watch a video.

The Seventh Seal - Death doesn't care much for chess.

hamlet - he kills his uncle. quicker.

Watership down - rabbits get gassed, not having the gifts of language or premonitions.

Animal House: Bluto expelled, Flounder and Pinto buckle down and get straight Cs. D-Day drops out, becomes mechanic. Future lives undeserving of precis in end credits.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Daniel Hillard brutally raped by bus driver, dies from internal bleeding

goodfellas - "As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a grocer"

LOL

this thread is making people look at me funny.

Last Tango In Paris - a young French woman calls the police after being assaulted by an overweight, middle-aged American while apartment hunting.

duel - guy calls in sick and works from home

The Fly - Seth Brundle teleports successfully into that bar where he gives
the burly dude a compound fracture. Spends the night bar-hopping with Tawny.

Don't Look Now: Julie and Donald come across red-coated child in Venice, turns out to be Madeleine McNeil their daughter, relief and ice cream all round.

Animal farm - not having the gifts of language or organisational ability, the animal revolt never happens.

it's a wondeful life - Uncle Billy doesn't mislay money, town lynch old man Potter

pulp fiction - there's no such thing as divine intervention. bruce throws the match. uma stays at home. hold up passes smoothly.

shawshank redemption - he goes to the chair.

Babe - not having the gift of language... yeah you get the idea.

well then: reservoir dogs - orange is busted, shot

American Pie: Jim heats up pie on defrost setting, discovers hugely pleasurable masturbatory practice, father remains unaware.

reservoir dogs: mr. blonde slaughters entire crew, including joe and nice guy eddie, takes off with diamonds for mexico

haha xpost

Unbreakable -- Man is alarmed by the fact that he hasn't ever been sick in his life. He submits himself to medical testing at a young age. Captured by the government. Dissected.

Punch Drunk Love - Adam Sandler is told by a Healthy Choice representative that there is a limit of 1000 airline miles on their offer. His fouled by this and he tells Watson to watch her own damn car. He goes home and puts his head in the oven.

Rear Window: neighbour across the way calls police, Jimmy Stewart served with ASBO, curtains.

star wars: luke waits overnight to go after r2d2, is slaughtered with aunt and uncle

the ten commandments: bassinet flips over in river, baby moses drowns

El Tomboto's star wars is the canonical answer there.

Flash Gordon - unusual weather conditions have a mundane explanation, Dr Zarkov is just a crazy man whose rocket explodes on launch, killing himself and Flash and Dale.

Das Boot: "Sheisse, Wasserbombe!"

citizen kane: everyone assumes the man's last words are the delusional babblings of a dying megalomaniac and not the cryptic key to his entire life

Trainspotting - Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got Jesus.

Star Wars Ep 1: trade dispute is resolved through negotiations. Palpatine fades into obscurity. Republic lasts forever.

King Ralph - England abandons the monarchy.

2 Fast 2 Furious - All the racers make it to street race. Paul Walker goes back to making gay porno in San Bernardino.

snakes on a plane - snakes were found at the security gates. people are arrested.

Really, every Adam Sandler movie should end in the first twenty minutes with him putting his head in the oven.

many xposts

Phone Booth: phone rings for 20 mintues, Colin Farrell walks past and hesitates for a minute, then sees dog with waggly tail and runs after it giggling.

Boogie Nights: Mom is patient and supportive.

I liked that Adam Sandler movie :/

xpost

King of Comedy - Rupert Pupkin adapts "Rupert the Cable Guy" persona; becomes overnight sensation.

the matrix: the agents unplug neo

Bruce Almighty: Jim Carrey vanishes in a puff of logic

The Simpsons Movie - In the opening credits Homer sustains blunt force trauma to his head, says D'OH, AND IS KILLED.

hey no spoilers!

the passion of the christ - Crowd elect to save Jesus rather than Barabbas

Gangs of New York: Stubborn studio head demands Scorsese cut 30 minutes from running time, Scorsese caves in

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - Nick Moran's mate decide poker is not the best way to invest. Get buy to lets.

Ha, I used to do this all the time. Our version of ET was: aliens visit Earth, then leave. All of them.

the passion of the christ - Crowd elect to save Jesus rather than Barabbas

Barabbas subsequently tortured for 90 minutes.

works for Men in Black too xpost

Demolition Man: Snipes disintegrates on reheat after ice found to contain far too much silverfish. Stallone remains frozen with everyone unware that he is still conscious and constantly aware i.e. massive lolz

Fight Club - Ed Norton is prescribed Ambien for his insomnia.

The X-Files - government does not get hands on alien, who is saved and hidden by idealist young boy, no conspiracy necessary.

Alien: the "chestburster" turns out to be a giant gas bubble, forcing John Hurt's character to let out a monstrous belch. He then sheepishly smiles into the camera.

THE END

Do the Right Thing: Sal compromises, puts up a picture of the Rat Pack.

taxi driver: travis stumbles into encounter group, resolves issues

farenheit 9/11 - bush loses in the primaries. dems take florida.

star wars - the imperial officer shoots the escape pod anyway. the end.

OK, have you seen the footage for the upcoming "Family Guy" Star Wars-themed show this fall? It goes like this:

OFFICER: Hold your fire, there are no life forms aboard.
GUNNER: "Hold your fire?" What, do we pay by the laser now?
OFFICER: You don't have a budget to worry about, Terry, I do.

Other lolz here on Youtube.

2001 a space odyssey: monolith scares apes shitless, they run away and hide, human evolution averted

Quadropenia: "And you can shove it right up your..oh who am I kidding see you Monday!"

Alien: the "chestburster" turns out to be a giant gas bubble, forcing John Hurt's character to let out a monstrous belch. He then sheepishly smiles into the camera.

THE END

-- latebloomer, Tuesday, July 3, 2007 5:09 PM (7 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

lol

sliding doors: helen arrives at tube station early, is pushed onto tracks by psychotic highlander playing a pennywhistle

Bridget Jones Diary: Darcy doesn't wear that stupid jumper. They get married and have babies. The end. Now fuck off.

Jaws: duh-duh... duh-duh... duh duh duh duhn, duh duh duh duhn... FIN.

Jaws 2 - They thought it was safe to go back in the water. They were right. YAAAAY!!!!

emil.y wins thread

Crash: Racist LA cop Matt Dillon beats up Ludacris, race riots ensue.

my dinner with andre: andre cancels, wallace goes to the movies instead

Clueless -- Alicia Silverstone and Stacy Dash do something that, umm, never mind

chasing amy: holden and banky are gay.

Le charme discret de la bourgeoisie: they have dinner.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: Kevin Smith's Star Wars masturbation fantasy is interrupted by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

Willy Wonka: Charlie never finds a golden ticket.

Jurassic Park: Newman from Seinfeld chokes on a twinkie, the tour goes perfectly well, everyone goes home.

Brown Bunny: (you probably see where I'm going with this)

Toy Story: Toys get thrown away. Child cries. The end.

b-but they would go on an Incredible Journey type trek to find him.

The Incredible Journey: Three stray animals are run over by a car.

Which reminds me...

The Fantastic Voyage: the scientists are eaten by a white blood cell

hahaha I was just about to do that one

The Lady and the Tramp: British family notices their pet dog is in heat, dog is spayed.

dude, where's my car?: it's in the garage

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle: they go somewhere else instead.

Footloose: Kevin Bacon buys pair of headphones, settles for nailing the preacher's daughter.

the matrix: the agents unplug neo

...or ban his brain's IP

2001 a space odyssey: the monolith falls on the monkeys and then HAL is like "lol" and vaporizes the galaxy.

the matrix: he takes the blue pill

Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part III, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Goes to Manhattan, Friday the 13th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell, Jason X, Freddy Vs. Jason: Lifeguards pay attention, save Jason

Anal Fury 7 : erection is not maintained, fluffer's day off. The end.

Anal Furry?

"Fluffer" has a different meaning on the set of that one.

The Werckmeister Harmonies : the Prince's truck is pulled over by Hungarian traffic cops for breaking width regulations. The whale is impounded as a health hazard. Cue 2 hour single take of a miserable East European man walking down a street.

Wishmaster 4: I wish for these films to be OVER.

The End

that was supposed to be Wishmasters 1-4

Home Alone: Parents think REALLY HARD and remember the name of someone who could come and get Kevin out of the house.

Free Willy: Kid is caught vandalizing marina and sent to juvenile hall, endures forcible anal rape.

3 Men And A Baby: 3 gay men call Child Protection Services when a baby is left on their doorstep.

Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone: Harry's parents kill Voldemort start fixing up the guest room as a nursery.

Police Academy: Criminal recidivist Carey Mahoney is sent to jail for destroying property, despite the arresting officer's friendship with his father.

Risky Business: A Chicago teenager, too afraid to contact a prostitue, spends his parents' vacation masturbating to porn in the living room.

Ha - I really thought the first post on this really was a synopsis of the film!

Local Hero - oil company builds oil refinery.

Hot Fuzz - Nicholas Angel is not transferred (and gets back with Cate Blanchett).

The Big Liebowski - the Dude gets stoned and forgets he ever had a rug

star trek the motion picture: same story JUST QUICKER - comes in at 15 mins tops.

pretty woman - julia roberts is busted, jailed, becomes addicted to heroin, dies in ignominy

sixth sense - there is no such thing as ghosts, he just dies.

Signs - Crew murders M. Night Shamalayan, movie is never finished

i cannot think of one for con air that isn't just really weak. LOL

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Cameron is too sick to answer the phone; ignores it.

the godfather part iii: no matter how hard they try, they cannot pull him back in

Under a Cherry Moon: French chick meets Prince, sleeps with him that night because he's Prince, the end

con air - none of the people exist

The Breakfast Club: Teacher keeps a close eye on students. They sit in silence all day.

Gimme Shelter: Despite San Francisco rock critics' protests that they're selling out to the Man, the Rolling Stones hire off-duty policemen as security for an outdoor concert.

Casablanca: During brief interlude in Paris, Ingrid Bergman catches clap from Humphrey Bogart, goes insane and dies.

Defending Your Life: Albert Brooks character uninterested in music, throws CDs into trunk of car.

Citizen Kane: Charles Foster Kane rewards hard-working employees with field trip to antiquated sled factory.

Rashomon: Everyone agrees about tragic rape/murder

Brazil: Fly narrowly avoids death-by-typewriter, lives to scavenge another day.

Chinatown - Jack Nicholson asks to see the wife's ID and doesn't take the case.

Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? : "You know, it's already really late - we'll take a raincheck on that nightcap."

Crash: Delayed by a car accident, James Spader and Deborah Kerr Unger hit up a Fantasuite in hopes of reigniting their sexlife.

Withnail and I: Withnail auditions for a role in the Seagull and gets it, makes lots of money and is able to make his rent payments after all.

Babel: Three groups of people in three different countries don't pointlessly endanger themselves and others.

Cry Freedom, Last King Of Scotland, The Killing Fields, Beyond Rangoon, etc, etc, etc: Whitey gets the fuck out of Dodge.

In the Mood For Love: They do it.

The Killer: Danny Lee and Chow Yun Fat fire at the same time and kill each other.

Spartacus: "<i>He's</i> Spartacus!"

Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie kills Larry and Richard, disposes of the bodies, holds an orgy

Face/Off -- bodies reject transplanted faces, die of sepsis

Showgirls: Nomi fails to hitch a ride to Vegas, opens up coffee shop, becomes smalltown matriarch played by Meryl Streep.

Maverick flies into jet wash for the second time, and sadly crashes again.

Passion Of The Christ: Jesus decides he could do more good alive, using his superpowers to kick Roman ass.

Apocalypse Now: USAF triangulates in on Kurtz's location and firebombs everything to cinders.

Annie Hall: Marshall McLuhan sides with the obnoxious guy in line. Alvy skips ride with Annie after tennis.

Death Proof: After a half hour of listening to a group of bar patrons talk about their fondness for '60s hipster arcana, Kurt Russell says "fuck it," picks up a prostitute and crashes his car.

Vanishing Point: Former cop Kowalski pulls over and dutifully accepts a speeding ticket.

Heat: Pacino and De Niro meet up at a diner, drive to Vegas together, get massages, catch Cirque du Soleil, relax.

Superman Returns: Superman realizes he fucked Lois and left for five years without telling her his true identity or why he was leaving, finally grasping that he must not actually love her.

"City Lights": "would you like to buy some flowers" "no, I've got no money, I'm a tramp, as you can see! Oh, sorry, you can't, can you"

"Pandora's Box": "Jesus Christ you're the sketchiest broad I've ever met in my entire life, and who the hell is this little freak? You're packed, GTFO of my apartment, the pair of you"

scooby doo - they accidentally reverse over scrappy doo

Time Bandits - they just give back the damn map.

Kill Bill - Beatrix has a beautiful wedding.

brief encounter - knee-trembler in the toilets. never speak of it again.

A Matter of Life and Death - David Niven survives the drop but drowns in the English Channel

ALL LYNCH SPECIAL:

Eraserhead - the baby is stillborn
Elephant Man - John Merrick rolls over in his sleep, dies, is dissected.
Dune - Paul and Lady Jessica eaten by a sandworm fleeing from the Harkonnens
Blue Velvet - opossum eats ear
Wild At Heart - Sailor crashes the car into a truck while drunk
Fire Walk With Me - Laura decides she should knuckle down and get better grades. Leland sectioned as schizophrenic.
Lost Highway - Rebublican Senator is behind in the polls, moves Fred Madison to the front of the queue in Death Row
Straight Story - lawnmower breaks down, 6 month delivery forecast for the parts. Alvin has a nice cup of tea and a sit down, and decides he never liked his brother that much anyway.
Straight Story (alternative) - Alvin develops Alzheimer's, can't remember who his brother is
Mulholland Drive - someone recognises Camilla and asks for her autograph, relieving her amnesia.
Inland Empire - Laura Dern calls the police to arrest the crazy woman in her house.

Annie Hall: Marshall McLuhan sides with the obnoxious guy in line.
-- Elvis Telecom, Tuesday, 3 July 2007 23:02 (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

This actually did happen didn't it? McLuhan got pissed off because Allen wouldn't let him retake his line or something.

Another one for AH anyway - Alvy stays with Alison Portchnik, has kids, gets some perspective in his life, quits whining...

28 Days Later - Cambridge animal research centre don't cut corners by using a cheap, crap security system.

almost famous - kid decides tommy is rubbish. pursues ornithology as hobby.

one night in paris - police bust the house and put paris back in jail.

fAST AND FURIOUS : Tokyo drift : dude's car sucks and breaks down during race. Doesn't get into all kind of trouble. Keeps being a loser at school.

The Wizard of Oz - Glenda tells Dorothy that her ruby slippers can send her home before sending her a pointlessly dangerous journey.

Jumanji - they get sucked into the game and were never seen again. The end.

The kids find the board game in the attic, laugh about how lame and "really really gay" it looks, sod off and play the Xbox.

same for Goonies and the pirate map. Chunk does the Truffle Shuffle again, roll credits.

Knocked Up - horrified at waking up with Seth Rogen, she stops by Planned Parenthood and takes a morning-after pill before work

-- Jordan, Tuesday, 3 July 2007 16:27 (2 days ago)

Sir, I believe you're looking for the "make movies realistic" thread, five doors down on the left.

True Romance : "First time my ass... you're a fucking prostitute! I have to go to the goddamned clinic now - get the fuck out."

Code 46: Tim Robbins correctly fingers annoying and unattractive Samantha Morton, goes home to wife and kids. Also avoids the tedious belt-you-in-face parallels between reality and movie refugees.

No that first sentence came out wrong.

Bourne drowns.

That saves about 3 minutes - thanks, Kerm!

big lebowski - he pees on the floor

...in the Mediterranean.

manos the hands of fate - they turn around

monster a-go-go - someone appears onscreen and says 'thanks for the money, BYE', the end

Don't get me started.

alec guinness dies of dehydration.

being john malkovich - malkovich gets irreparable brain damage from so many people riding along in his brain, turns into a vegetable

even shorter version of star wars: yoda gets a fucking clue

Fight Club: Ed Norton looks at group photos.

The Shining: Shelley Duvall realizes her husband is FUCKING INSANE well before they arrive at the hotel.

HUEY WINS.

After the death of his mother, a young Henry Jones, Jr. rebels against his father's obsessive scholarly ways, drops out of school and breeds Malamutes until he is murdered by Nazis looking for his father's journal in 1938.