people who poop first thing at work in the morning

Maybe journey to work unloosens bowels?

first cup of coffee loosens bowels

Pooping on the clock equals money for your shit.

i don't understand how one leaves the home without having a cup of coffee

well it takes a while for the coffee to have an effect

Time spent sleeping >>>> time spent getting up early enough to have coffee.

Cutts, one leaves the home like a zombie and tries to stay at least half-asleep until actually reaching desk and turning on computer. The blue-white glow is the alarm clock for my brain function.

Pooping on the clock equals money for your shit.

Yes, may as well get paid for it

^^^ otm

uh i mean laurel's post, otm

Ha ha

i don't understand how one leaves the home without having a cup of coffee

-- cutty, Thursday, August 23, 2007 2:51 PM (1 minute ago)

because fuck owning a coffeemaker at home and taking the time to operate it and being even more late in the morning when you can just pop 10 cents in the machine at work, that's how

nickalicious OTM

I'd rather show up, get credit for being here at a decent time, then poop and drink coffee. Otherwise I just hang out at home for too long.

xpost

yeah, i don't have coffee sometimes until 10 or so... i like to wander in a haze for a while during the "my time" part of the morning, before I start doing any actual work.

people should be getting up earlier, drinking coffee earlier, and thereby pooping earlier

Free Peet's coffee @ work > *

i buy my coffee on the outside

also there is a certain joy of working the coffeemaker and drinking the morning coffee in your underwear

and i disagree that this is only about coffee

also if you get the work poop in early there's less chance of it being stank up by someone just before you.

i imagine.

Why do people pooping early bother you so much, cutty?

but pooping at work is always a last resort

i have been staying up too late to make coffee in the morning, so i just buy the $1 coffee from the diner by the el

people should be getting up earlier, drinking coffee earlier, and thereby pooping earlier

Capitalist pig

but pooping at work is always a last resort

what if you work from home?

I do actually adore making stovetop espresso in the AM and also it tastes like full fathoms better than any office coffee EVER, but fuck getting up early enough for that every day, plus I really don't think I would enjoy sitting down with cuppa when I had the worries of my day already pressing on my brain and urging me to GET UP and DO SOMETHING.

You must inform the Inland Revenue first (xp)

because the last thing i want to be confronted with when i get to work and need to simply have a pee and wash my hands, is someone else's poop noises and foul odors

Nick and Tom know what's up.

and yes, OTM, pooping at work should ALWAYS be a last resort and not part of your daily routine

keep your ipod on cutty

how much sleep do you guys get? when do you wake up? how much time do you give yourself before leaving for work?

no ipod for nose

No sports section at home.

i raise at 6:30, drink a cup of coffee in my underwear, then ride my bike for 40 minutes

then the poop

get to it Jobs

ha ha 'jobs'

no ipod for nose

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cumbria/content/images/2005/04/30/image5_470x353.jpg

you lazy fucks

I'm bothered by people who spent 15 minutes on the crapper. Why the fuck can't you people just shit and get off the pot? Is it really necessary to bring in the sports section and have a little vacation on the can?

a) Average 7 hrs.

b) 8 am.

c) 1 hour.

(xpost re deej)

cutty is a machine

cutty,have you noticed if it's the same offenders everyday?

i raise at 6:30

-- cutty, Thursday, August 23, 2007 10:00 AM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

http://www.synthstuff.com/mt/archives/ben_franklin.jpg

i'll start compiling a shoe log, noting the offending pooper's shoes

because the last thing i want to be confronted with when i get to work and need to simply have a pee and wash my hands, is someone else's poop noises and foul odors

-- cutty, Thursday, August 23, 2007 2:58 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I'm so sorry you can't go to A PUBLIC BATHROOM and not encounter other people's shit smells/sounds. wtf?

I'm bothered by people who spent 15 minutes on the crapper. Why the fuck can't you people just shit and get off the pot? Is it really necessary to bring in the sports section and have a little vacation on the can?

How old are you?

xxpost
or get familiar with their particulate smells

i'll start compiling a shoe log, noting the offending pooper's shoes

Pooper snooper

If you need a poop and lunch is coming up, does it count toward your 1hr break? Or do you come back to your desk for a minute then go to lunch?

How old are you?

39.

hey alex, i have no problems with public pooping (although i try my hardest to do it at home, where it is clean, i have most wipes, and i will not foul the public air)

i'm just wondering when you were just home (i'm assuming most peoples commute is within 20-40 minutes) why didn't you poop then? why?

most = MOIST

I think this is gonna turn out a lot like the "He Poos Clouds" thread on ILM.

I'm bothered by people who spent 15 minutes on the crapper. Why the fuck can't you people just shit and get off the pot? Is it really necessary to bring in the sports section and have a little vacation on the can?

So OTM.

(i'm assuming most peoples commute is within 20-40 minutes) why didn't you poop then? why?

maybe the stress of the commute is the trigger

I don't understand the 15 minutes thing, either. Like, AT ALL. It might be a gender difference, though -- Carey said on an old thread once that she questioned male friends about this closely and concluded that there's some kind of difference in the pushing mechanism.... CLEARLY FASCINATING.

i would also venture to say that there are two kinds of people in this story

the one's that don't mind a good "work-shit"

and those that will avoid the prospect of shitting in front of their same-sex co-workers at any rate

I'm more confused by people who poop at movie theaters.

my friend just bought a 425$ toilet seat. (actually 900 on sale for 425)

"it has oscillating massage spray, an air dryer, and a self deodorizer fan along with the basic complement of dual sprays, warmed seat, etc. it's the most advanced model you can buy in america without replacing the whole toilet, or breaking plumbing codes
5:35 PM anyway i should have it up and running within a week
5:36 PM you should come take a shit at my place"

"in front of"? OK, I get it, is the problem that they don't have doors on the stalls where you work?

xxpost
that has to be out of complete necessity though
although i've never done it

I'm pretty content with how regular I am -- it's about 9:15 or 9:30 am everyday. I couldn't go at home before I arrive even if I wanted to. But at 9:15, I'm ready. So maybe these culprits are just on a consistent system, like me. You can't blame them for that.

Also: I'm bothered by people who spent 15 minutes on the crapper. Why the fuck can't you people just shit and get off the pot? Is it really necessary to bring in the sports section and have a little vacation on the can?

Again, I'm guilty as charged. But if I could take care of everything in less than 2 minutes, I would. But I'm afraid the process, for me and many of these sports page readers (for me it's the New Yorker -- I finish one of the big 10-page articles in about 5 days by spending 10 minutes reading it on the can each morning), simply does require 10-15 minutes to complete.

although it probably shades my perspective that I work for a relatively small company where most of the employees are women, so I don't share the bathroom w/ that many dudes. but still, cutty is nuttier than the turd I let loose in the company washroom first thing this morning.

Loo at work nicer than loo at home (ymmv obv). Free loo paper, soap etc.

i'm just curious

Maybe the ventilation system is inadequate at yr work, cutty. The toilets at my work could make short work of a cinder block, and the ventilation is good enough that I never smell feces, although there's definitely evidence that poop happens.

just asking questions here

no passing judgment on you work-shitters

It all really depends on when you eat dinner. those of us with exiciting cosmopolitan lifestyles do not at the same time everyday.
I would assume the toilets at work are much cleaner than the home pot on account of daily cleaning by janitor staff rather than the quarterly job I do (or not).
Do you think those with the ability to relax in public give one shit about y'all uptighties getting in a snit over it?

do not eat^

i had that thing the other week where somebody's been just before you and it smells but you persevere just to have the pee you came in for - and then someone comes in right after you and immediately decides you are the one who dealt it.

i hate when that happens

the prob w/ my office is that the bathrooms are not very well shielded from the office. anyone makes particularly loud noises and it can be heard in the kitchen.

I only asked how old you were, libcrypt, because I find that I'm more likely to need to spend more time on the ol' can the older I get. But I'm 10 years younger than you, so whatever. I don't get the "read a whole newspaper" mentality, but I'll play a couple games of Tetris while I'm waiting for things to, er, work themselves out.

Maybe some of us aren't as regular as you and must go whenever our body deems it's time.

dude refused to go in there and everything. and i thought MY standards were pretty high in this regard. (xp3)

sexyD, the thought that thework toilet is cleaner than the one in your home is scary

Again, I'm guilty as charged. But if I could take care of everything in less than 2 minutes, I would. But I'm afraid the process, for me and many of these sports page readers (for me it's the New Yorker -- I finish one of the big 10-page articles in about 5 days by spending 10 minutes reading it on the can each morning), simply does require 10-15 minutes to complete.

The problem with this behavior is that other people may need to use the toilet for its intended purpose, i.e., defecation.

well they probably are in many places but it's offset by more people using them. xp

xpost

Maybe you didn't read my post clearly enough:

But if I could take care of everything in less than 2 minutes, I would. But I'm afraid the process...simply does require 10-15 minutes to complete

I couldn't do it any faster even if I wanted to.

And if I'm going to be on there for 10-15 minutes anyways, I may as well read the New Yorker.

Are you getting enough fiber?

Never mind their bowels, cutty, what about your bladder?

Steel-cut oats for breakfast everyday. I think I'm pretty healthy, evidenced by the nice coils in the toilet and the fact that I'm going at 9:15-9:30 every morning. (not to give you a specific image of the physical result of my 10-15 minute workout.)

shitting is dirty business.
this is why soap exists.

this thread needs pictures

bottom line is that if it'd probably be easier for cutty to delay his morning pee/handwash until after the morning poop rush hour than for everyone else to empty their bowels completely before leaving the house.

i don't understand your fucking hostility, this was supposed to be a fun thread

Hating on little vacations in the can!

aw, hell yeah

http://www.ratemypoo.com/

Haha I don't think anyone is being hostile -- I think the absurdity of the topic is keeping this thread funny, despite how serious some posts seem.

Let's talk about shit for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about shit on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause, or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep? I doubt it
All right then, come on, Spin

Let's talk about shit, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about shit
Let's talk about shit
Let's talk about shit
Let's talk about shit

no, alex in baltimore keeps making jabs at me

haha ok i was being a little badgering, i admit. just such a weird question!

I'm confused by the people who seem to be battling something on the toilet. all the grunts and exhalations. they need to relax!

I have no idea what enticed me to click on that link, kenan.

it's not a weird question from the perspective of someone who thinks shitting behind a thin door (not "in front of" excuse me) is something i try my best to do on my throne. my toilet. my home.

they need to relax!

That's really the key to a good session.

I'm confused by the people who seem to be battling something on the toilet. all the grunts and exhalations. they need to relax!

http://users.skynet.be/JePe/images/1969%20-%20Jay%20Hawkins%20-%20Constipation%20Blues%20-%20Label%20Front.jpg

I have no idea what enticed me to click on that link, kenan.

don't act like you don't like it

clue: %100 sausage diet

I'm gonna be awful sad whenever my GI tract decides it needs more than 2-3 minutes to make room for the next meal in line.

Part of the reason I'm not apologetic at all about my practices is that all the bathrooms on my floor at work are the handicap, single-person bathrooms with locking doors. Tons of privacy.

it's not a weird question from the perspective of someone who thinks shitting behind a thin door

I understand that and am fortunate that I have a single toilet restroom on a floor with only one other woman. But like I said above not everyone is regular and holding it in until you get home sucks.

i think i'm going to go take care of business now.

Next up: Laying cable vs. laying pipe.

i learned the difference... the hard way

i don't know, i think for everyone's comfort, all public places should have at least two sealed up pooping chambers with self-cleaning toilets, high-powered vacuum fans and white noise and moist wipes and solid locks on the doors. not that pooing is a 'bad thing' or anything but privacy is important and so i think that this suggestion is only civilized. bathrooms should not be an architectural afterthought.

i am first thing in the morning at home person but these chambers would be v v good for when on vacation or whenever schedule and eating time is different

of course, the other side of this is when you find yourself dealing with toilet facilities like a hole in the ground with two concrete foot holds on either side, which is just so ridiculous that none of the usual social issues re: poo even matter

I was just about to post an image of those.

http://www.orchiddesigns.net/Assets/images/China2004/Jinghong%20public%20toilet%201630.jpg

lol @ feet markers

why didn't bidets catch on in the US (and do Europeans still even use them? I remember having to learn the word in both French and Spanish classes.)

http://www.xavierdamman.be/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/_~lucasp_pictures_italy_apartment_bidet.jpg

Yes, v funny as I was just thinking at home this morning that a happy morning poo w/o concern for who it might offend has got to be one of the most basic rights (after the minimum to sustain life is met, natch).

sorry, meant an image, not italics

http://www.xavierdamman.be/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/_~lucasp_pictures_italy_apartment_bidet.jpg

one day i will own a bidet

They are usually in fancy hotels. If our bathroom wasn't so 1950s small I might install one when we redo it. They are lovely.

*link to MWhite's bidet story here*

Good for washing your feet in

that's funny... i was doing a GIS for bidets while you guys were posting pictures of bidets. Foiled again.

But seriously, that would be the best thing ever. You would feel so FRESH!

xpost.

At my office, everyone hits the toilet at 10AM after the coffee has had an opportunity to kick in. The problem is that there are approximately 45 males and only 3 actual toilets.

Logjam.

your work really shouldn't use transparent doors for the loo stalls

Nightmare (xp)

my sister has a bidet in her bathroom but I've yet to try it out. It seems like the way to go.

home toilet w/ bidet + moist wipes

vs.

public work toilet + everyone else's butts

do Europeans still even use them?

Oh yes, our trains also still run on steam.

Where's your community spirit? (xp)

Christ, rrobyn! Where do you work?

let's not even get into people who don't use moist wipes

after a nice morning poop, having a poopy butt all day long

bidets are good
when i was in poland years ago they were in some people's houses but not most. also, shelf toilets were pretty much the norm...
http://homepage.mac.com/mes/iblog/B337353584/C1870282643/E1866785319/Media/Pasted%20Graphic.jpg

the bidet thing really makes sense.
i mean if you got some poops on your hand you wouldn't just wipe it off with a piece of paper.

yeah what's up with the shelf toilet? how did that catch on?

xpost
i work in the land of my imagination

xpost
GERMANS

we've dicussed the shelf toilet before, i believe

after a nice morning poop, having a poopy butt all day long

My pops used to fix this for me when I was a wee squirt incapable of proper wiping by grabbing me and shoving 2 fingers' worth of vaseline up my ass.

waht

Okay. As long as that shameful pit exists only in your imagination, the rest of us should be alright.

i have a friend who scalded his ballsac on a bidet

Logjam.

lol

uh, that seems not right, the fingers up the butt thing

yeah what's up with the shelf toilet? how did that catch on?

Given Hitler's (totally untrue) predilections, I imagine they were introduced during the Nazi period - not to mention his chronic bowel problems, leading to inspection of stools

I keep imagining the shelf toilet also comes with a dainty butter knife, so you can REALLY examine the poo.

the japanese are way ahead of us in terms of poop handling

I mean, it doesn't really make good sense, other than for inspecting yr poop. Which I guess is a decent barometer of overall health. But still.

ha! xxpost

because water is so obscurring what with its tranparency and all

Which I guess is a decent barometer of overall health.

If you're a doctor! Otherwise, what do you know about poo health?

oh, you know.

wait, do the japanese have poop chambers of the futuer?

let's not even get into people who don't use moist wipes

after a nice morning poop, having a poopy butt all day long

-- cutty, Thursday, August 23, 2007 4:01 PM (2 minutes ago)

OK, dude, I swear I was gonna try not to pick on you anymore! ...but you're starting to sound like Terrence Howard.

let's not even get into people who don't use moist wipes

I, for a nanosecond, saw that as:

"let's not even get into people who don't use maoist wipes"

HAHA

UNCLEAN!

moist wipes are a godsend

uh, that seems not right, the fingers up the butt thing

Gross, sure, but not wrong. He'd know when I needed an application by evidence of squirmy-butt on my part. Many years later, on the rare occasions I get a chapped anus from vigorous and thorough wiping, a bit of the ol' vaseline (applied by me, not my dad) will still put me right. Thanks, pops!

surely there's something better than petroleum jelly

first cup of coffee loosens bowels

-- deej, Thursday, 23 August 2007 14:49 (1 hour ago) Link

OTM

except I do have my first cup at work. i don't like washing down my morning concerta w/ coffee, so i wait until i am at work. this also makes me able to function w/o a coffee crutch in the morning. useful for weekends.

i used to only poo @ home, now i only poo @ work. also because their toilets are nicer and cleaned more often than my own (maybe i need to go to the bourgie-maid thread)

I worked with a man who said he always waited until he got to work because toilet roll was so expensive and he may as well use someone else's. Naturally I never invited him to my house.

it's good that european trains run on steam, and that the the bidets don't

bidets r unsanitary

HEY ALEX IN BALTIMORE

TOILET PAPER DOES NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS

terrence howard OTM

except baby wipes are non-flusahble, make sure your girl buys the adult ones

The best wipe u can get is with a smooth slightly porous rock from a streambed.

so basically, alex, you come to work, took a poo right away, and spend the rest of the day sitting on your dingleberry encrusted ass

Don't knock it till you've tried it

Actually, I use the 3 seashells method from Demolition Man.

everybody should just spackle their asshole shut and make regular appointments for pellegrino enemas. followed by re-spackling

i like to be ready for a blowjob at any moments notice

bidets r unsanitary

so is shitting

UPDATE:

some kind janitorial soul put some air freshener spray in the men's room!

we have the automatic ones at my job. with the hand held spays for backup

hand held spays?

sprays

cutty, do you sit on the seat or are you one of those people who squats over it and then flushes with his foot?

i do notice a lack of ass gaskets in most public restrooms on the east coast. those things are nice

I suspect he uses an elaborate system of gears and pulleys that allow him to hover over the bowl (xp)

guys, the toilet paper shield.

you line the seat with toilet paper, then sit on the toilet paper.

and then wrap your hand in toilet paper when you flush

and then leave the toilet paper on the seat so when i walk in later i get to scratch my head and say wtf?

i barely understand people being afraid of toilet seat buttcheek germs. but to be afraid of your own buttcheek germs?

cutty in Nude Spock shocker

and then wrap your hand in toilet paper when you flush

That takes all the fun out of kicking.

Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/35584837.html

i barely understand people being afraid of toilet seat buttcheek germs. but to be afraid of your own buttcheek germs?

it's not the germs, it's the cum.

Where do you work again, ken?

why, tempted to join?

Any vacancies?

there are certainly cavities

bidets r unsanitary

this has the ring of an old wives tale to me. How is toilet paper sanitary? How are chapped sphincters and skid marks in any way preferable?

I've never actually used a bidet so maybe someone else can enlighten me here, but for the same reasons that you don't wipe back-to-front, I don't really want a stream of water carrying fecal matter/bacteria to wash across all my parts. Plus water alone doesn't bond to oil and grease and dirt since grease & oil are hydro-phobic, so unless there's some soap being used here, you might as well just wipe.

It's good for after peeing too. And just keeping your parts fresh in general.

most bidets have a soap dispenser

(i almost typed soup)

the soap is usually on a little shelf just next to the bidet

i don't normally use a bidet for the area under discussion, though

you use it for the face?

shoulders

THE ASS

jesus, people

now i'm totally confused. You do use it for your ass, or you don't?

Where's Dan when we need him.

i think he was just letting us know he doesn't have a vagina to clean

I'll play a couple games of Tetris while I'm waiting for things to, er, work themselves out

YES. Though I feel somewhat shamed when others come in and can hear the clicking of my cellphone buttons.

I work in a large public building with at least 10 bathrooms in it, so I can shit relatively anonymously when I need to. I do go at home before work, but sometimes you gotta go twice after the coffee's had a chance to settle.

Still thinking about soup dispensers over here. Must be lunchtime.

just don't put it in your vagina

broccoli cheese infections are the worst, totally.

omg I just totally grossed myself out. That's not easy to do.

The toilet at work is better than my home one. At work, I've got a bar installed on the wall to hold on to. The seat is longer where nothing is in danger of touching the rim. I only have to flush it once for everything to go away.

There's even a secret bathroom here that I found, one used by the wine bar that shares our building. Before 4 p.m., that place is deserted! Most days, I'm like Tenzing Norgay in there.

HOW many facets of public toilet use can this board throughly discuss? Why have people attempted to answer this question (indericetly)?

lol @ deej gettin real serious

nabisco OTM.

This thread reads like excerpts from one of the Enderby novels.

That's not praise.

I like the idea of taking a little 15-minute vacation on the bidet with the sports section.

i'm curious as to why you need a bar to hold on to when you take a shit

I think even Tuomas knows that stall w/ bar = for wheelchair-bound folks.

if pleasant plains is wheelchair bound (maybe i'm ignorant) shouldn't he have one of those bars at home?

I'm not wheelchair-bound, but it's nice to have the leverage.

u old

u wait

where's did this thing about oil and grease?

come about?

cutty is such a lady

I thought of you twice today, Cutty.

Twice.

i hope every single one of your thinks of me when you take a shit at work during the hours of 9-10 AM

hahaha

can we add a mandatory courtesy flush clause to this bill?

What is it with you boys and yr obsession with pooping habits.

Pooping is important.

I spend a lot of time on the crapper and I'm always copping shit for it. LEAVE ME ALONE. Yes, I take in reading material, yes, I take off my shirt like George Costanza. I like to chill in a space where neither children nor women can ask me to do various jobs. I am not alone: men who crap for 15 mins, take a stand! WHO'S WITH ME?

Also, Americans, it's not poop, doo-doo, dootie or any other one of your weird prissy words. It's either shit or crap. There is no need to sugar coat a stool.

:(

Colonel Poo, I'm so sorry. It was so thoughtless of me. I retract everything.

:)

I spend a lot of time on the crapper and I'm always copping shit for it.

Well, one would hope that was the aim, yes?

Vulgar words for poop are so gauche.

This is turning into a shitfight.

the joys of working from home

sometimes ill take the laptop in for a particular complicated one

the pros work it out with a pencil

uuugh i'd so much rather have a public bathroom with a bunch of stalls than share a bathroom with a family member who occupies it for half an hour to an hour at a time multiple times a day. (he shaves, brushes his teeth, and showers after he goes to the bathroom sometimes, so you never know how long it is going to take.) i moved my fucking toothbrush today so i don't have to stand around waiting.

moving out in exactly 3 weeks though....

Now whenever any of us FAP w/ Cutty, all we'll be able to think of will be the gleaming cleanliness of his asshole, hidden under all that clothing. What a waste.

Cutty's asshole should have its own tiny webcam.

uh

even i have to agree with cutty on that one

poop truce

this goes against my princaples but i had to do this today :/

God, I am used to getting up at 10 and pooping around 10:30. My new job starts at 7 a.m. and my body still hasn't figured out pooping any earlier than 10:30 a.m. My dog has this problem, too, actually. My boyfriend has to take him out around 9 or so because he won't poop so early.

Normal ritual: wake up, drink coffee, smoke cancer causing device, poop, shower…in that order.
But today things didn’t go right

this notion of a regularly-scheduled poop is bizarre and foreign to me

apparently it's a sign of good health.

i prefer pooping on the clock, myself.

Normal ritual: wake up, drink coffee, smoke cancer causing device, poop, shower…in that order.
But today things didn’t go right

I just hope it wasn't

poop, wake up, drink coffee, smoke cancer causing device, shower

this notion of a regularly-scheduled poop is bizarre and foreign to me

you like to be surprised, eh?

Ok...sorry to ask. TMI ahead. But: every time I wake up v early (say 4-5 a.m.), I invariably end up with a BM that is a 2 on the Bristol scale sometime in the afternoon. What the fuck is the explanation behind this?

It *is* conveniently timed to avoid pooping at work at all, tho...at least there is that.

I have that problem too but it is usually the BM that wakes me up at 4 am to 5 am rather than me waking up and then it happening

honestly at work I manage to pick a pooping time that coincides with the damn janitor cleaning the bathroom. One of the stalls has a faulty lock on the door, and sometimes I get stuck in that one, and I'm so paranoid of him barging in that I give a warning "someone's in here" flush every time I hear his voice.

xps: That is a rare G.I. condition known as asssbuttt.

xpost "Not Including you?"

san te give him the someone is in here clearing of the throat.

anyone have one of these coffee makers that you can prepare the night before & it will start making coffee at a set time? i don't drink coffee but my dad/brother use our coffee maker that way & it seems pretty dope

My roommate does. It is really nifty when you work a M-F job as it makes waking up a more seamless process

anyone have one of these coffee makers that you can prepare the night before & it will start making coffee at a set time? i don't drink coffee but my dad/brother use our coffee maker that way & it seems pretty dope

It's pretty awesome – I have mine set to go while I'm in the shower. When I emerge, coffee's done.

what does this have to do with shitting.

If you don't know about the coffee/shitting connection you are a lucky man.

Scheduling completed coffee can force a pre-work pooping time.

That said, ideally you'd gulp a cup of coffee, walk around for a half hour, poop, shower, and then go to work.

Total nonsense, I can't wake up that early before going to work.

so that's what my upstairs neighbour spends >= half an hour walking round on the wooden floorboards right above my room at 7am every day, the fucker.

oh i know all about coffee/shitting....clockwork baby. drink my cup on the toilet sometimes.

gross dude

and read the news paper.

i dont drink it with my asshole.

brew some assuccino

If you don't know about the coffee/shitting connection you are a lucky man.

― Pirates of the Caribbean V: Letters of Marque & Reprisal (Phil D.), Friday, 11 February 2011 15:36 (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

And now I have the Alan Price song in my head...

i am captain multitasking shit.

plus im in there for a half an hour sometimes, need to get "shit" done.

preparing the gasspacho

1/2 hour! xp

that can't be good for you

has anyone had a conversation on the phone while pinching a loaf?

sometimes my legs fall asleep.

xxpost: Loads of interesting ILX posts overnight?

This thread has become a Colonic Confessional

i've been on a conference call while taking a dump.

A video conference call

grunts and all

my favorite mornings are the mornings when I have to go before I leave the house. After I get to work and have my coffee, I don't have to compete for the men's room (we have a single stall for like 50 people in my bldg).

I guess I will never find out why waking up at 5 a.m. means a 10-minute toilet session at 4 p.m.

its your shitcadia rhythm

I know I'm going to regret asking this but - does this imply that all of you go every day?

to work?

pretty much; when I eat poorly sometimes it's way more/less often.

like clock work e. once a day every morning, my wife on the other hand sometimes goes a week. Dont get it.

hmmmm

Yeah, I'm more errr similar to your wife in this respect. I don't get it. I'm a vegetarian and eat tons of freaking fiber. I probably need some of that Activia stuff or something.

btw - x-post - Hi Lex!! :)

she takes miralax and it doesn't work. she also drink what i call "shit tea".

activa had to change their slogan, because you guessed it...it was false.

she takes miralax and it doesn't work. she also drink what i call "shit tea".

― OLD MAN YELLS AT SHOUT RAP (chrisv2010), Friday, February 11, 2011 12:45 PM (35 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

is this like that scene from 'austin powers'

Oh yeah, I read about that a couple weeks ago.

hahaha hey babe! gotta love that I surfaced instead of lurk for THAT. i'm trying to train myself away from 11AM but have no idea how. it's, um.. shitty.

I do drink a lot of coffee so that might be why!

Everytime I think of the regularity of (anyone's) pooping habits I think of King of the Hill episode where Peggy and Hank go to the doctor and she tells dr how often Hank poops and when he last pooped and Hank is all "….what?"

http://www.valleynaturals.com/swatches/50438_L_vvs_000.jpg

its made from tree bark and sawdust or something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaUogmewRyc

she's convinced it works, i dont buy that herbal hippie bullshit. You need to shit, the remedy is a six pack of bud heavies and two shots of sambuca.

BLAMMO

A trip to Captain D's always works for me.

Wait, there is a tea that makes your poops not feel like you are having an anal baby?

Whatever bargain basement coffee we used to have at work would do the trick for me within 45 minutes, even if I had just shit. It was amazing.

But yeah, I am like a twice-daily person AT LEAST lately.
(tmi poop etc)

I'm a one or two poops per day person. If I poop three times in one day, I might start thinking 'oh that's not good', but otherwise two Yule logs a day is fine.

ok I regret asking now

;)

who knew this thread would ruin Yule logs

yes its clinically tested on your anus.

steel cut oatmeal d00dz

I eat oatmeal every day! It was my husband's hypothesis that the oatmeal was causing this phenomenon. I told him that doesn't make any sense.

I feel that the only way to get to the bottom of this is to do a test - fast, and then set an alarm for 4-5 AM, and see what happens.

surprised that this was not a chrisv revive, but damn he stepped up to the plate.

i had a roommate years ago who pooped first thing at home in the morning every day. happily, i got up later than he did, but i always knew where to find the sports section.

WHY DO YOU ALL TALK ABOUT POO ALL THE TIME WHYYYY

tbf the word "poop" is the third word in the thread title

I go between 10 and 1030 everyday (about an hour after my coffee - I like to have it when I come in first thing) and have to walk by about 10 people on the way out -- I'm kind of paranoid that they know where I'm going...

As pointed out above, I guess I could get up an hour earlier and just have coffee at home, but sleeping > getting up early

I go between 10 and 1030 everyday

God I misread this to mean you go 10 TIMES a day and I was all dude, see a DOCTOR.

there must be some unique australian euphemisms for pooping

tell us them

When I do have to poop at work I always feel self-conscious if there is someone in the other stall, but I also hate being embarrassed because it's the bloody toiilet, where else am I supposed to do it? Like girls only shit butterflies and poop rainbows, whatever

I like taking a shit at work. It's pretty great to be getting paid to shit on company time.

man i just cracked up so much re-reading this thread and reminding myself how much i hassled cutty

^^^ especially if you've brought a magazine

xp

I think our crap euphemisms are likely the same as everywhere right? "dropping the kids off at the pool" and whatnot. God, I cant think of any!

I try not to mull over this topic as a general rule.

I know where a good place to think is

Drop the kids off at the pool, lol

The few I remember are:
Laying cable
Strangling a king brown snake
Giving birth to a kiwi/pom/insert whoever (my dad's friend always said Pom)...apologies to sheepfuxors and Britishers :)

http://www.gastroscout.com/woc/crapterm.cfm

aussies letting me down here tbh

POOP IS FUNNY MAN LOLZ FUJL I SULD PUT THA BOTTA0 AWAY

http://fireflyblog.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/POM-Wonderful.jpg

???

also there is a certain joy of working the coffeemaker and drinking the morning coffee in your underwear

― cutty

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/55194/55194,1205748778,2/stock-photo-a-handsome-young-man-in-his-underwear-looking-at-his-morning-cup-of-coffee-10451947.jpg

stock-photo-a-handsome-young-man-in-his-underwear-looking-at-his-morning-cup-of-coffee.jpg

he's very contemplation

ok what about have u ever had that situation where like somebody goes in and u see them - going in to the stall

and they like start going at it right away - don't even wait for u to leave the bathroom

u know i just feel like that's kind of uncomfortable cuz what if next time i see u that's all i can think abouts

That guy is like "I wonder what would happen if I poured this down my pants?"

omg he is

he's on something

or the soup can just turned him on and hes going to rub one out right there in the kitchen

oh its coffee, whatever

"cutty, do you sit on the seat or are you one of those people who squats over it and then flushes with his foot?"

haha, i am a squatter/foot flusher

actually that's what i was thinking at first xp

great minds, etc :D

he went to a rave at the gym and now hes trying to come down

ugh so otm

poor cutty. someone shd help him, or at least give him a fruit rollup lol

wow this thread is omg zim zam wow

Currently taking my dinp

Dump

haha

Is this going to be a rolling "post in this thread after you take a shit" thread?

I wonder why people started using the term "taking a dump/shit"? Because you definitely don't take a shit, you leave a shit.

dinp has meme potential

I dinped at 5 this morning

one leaves the home like a zombie and tries to stay at least half-asleep until actually reaching desk

See, I can't turn the doorknob to leave the house until I've eaten a full meal, having been up 90 mins-2 hrs. (That usually leaves plenty of dump opportunity.) When I see someone in the work kitchenette pouring themselves a fucking BOWL OF CEREAL, I just think why dontcha LIVE here?

I rent a house with a toilet that's in a closed off space in a veranda that's like 30 years old (not an open veranda, but closed with single glass).
So in summer I burn my bum and in the winter it freezes over sometimes. If I need to go in the morning I'm going to wait until I'm at work.
(If it has to happen in the middle of the night it sure wakes me up and I'll probably check ILX on the phone for the rest of the night until I need to leave for work)

http://gawker.com/5839808/how-to-poop-at-work

If you enter the bathroom and realize someone is mid-turd, head to the sink, wash your hands, and leave. Let them finish in peace. You'd be thankful if someone did that for you.

otm

yeah, unless it's some huge multi-stall bathroom i get the fuck out of there

There are some savages that just don’t care though. My go to bathroom at work has 3 stalls and I’ve been in that one in the far corner when some guy comes and uses the middle stall. WTF MAN!!

It’s so fucking close we could be holding hands ffs !

Hold hands and chant 'oooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmm!'

he could be hedging in case there is a need to spare a square xp

they long to dump
close to you

when some guy comes and uses the middle stall. WTF MAN!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Craig_scandal

I'm a reasonable man, so I'm expecting a perfectly good explanation for THE COFFEE CUP RING left behind on the back of the toilet seat.

http://i.imgur.com/MRuANu3.jpg

I have never been filled with more fear by an image link

"Boy, I sure need to defecate right now. Let me just put just mere inches behind my ass this mug of liquid I will later place my mouth upon. There we go."

was there a newspaper left in the stall, too?

Nope.

I mean, if you're going to bring your coffee inside the stall with you, you may as well give the company back your desk.

my coworker said that he asked his son, "Hey, what are you doing in the bathroom so long? I thought you were going to do your math homework." "I'm doing it right now!"

so apparently multitasking on the toilet starts at a young age

I used to work at a radio station with pretty much an all-male staff. Dudes talk gross when no one's around, and once it was me, a senior producer and this guy who lived with his mom and drove a 90-mile roundtrip commute every day just so he could stay in show business.

We're talking about digestive distractions and the commuter guy is cracking up something fierce as we tell our stories. Finally, he busts out with his own Seinfeld moment and goes, "Say, don't you hate it when you have to take a shit during dinner and you've got to balance your plate on your legs as you use the bathroom?"

You could've heard a pin drop. Stopped our already scatological conversation right in our tracks. Finally, the senior producer simply says, quietly, "No. I don't think we know what that's like."

I immediately told sunny when I got home, and to this day, if Beeps brings her bottle into the bathroom, we call it "pulling a Damon."

― http://tinyurl.com/koalalala (Pleasant Plains), Wednesday, November 3, 2010 10:15 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Wow, I need to start including gif links in my display name again.

Finally, the senior producer simply says, quietly, "No. I don't think we know what that's like."

tears

omg, there are SO many disgusting savages in the world

like I knew there were a lot but WTF AT THESE PPL