your favorite SNL skits, show me them

GOAT: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/89/89enude.phtml

gabb that is awesome but I don't know if it's GOAT

Norm Macdonald: And now, with a special commentary is our very own Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Thank you, Norm. Hello, America. My name is Tracy Morgan, or as most of you know me as... The Other Black Guy. I've been with Saturday Night Live for 23 shows, but sometimes I don't even get recognized in my own neighborhood. But that's alright because I'm The Other Black Guy. And I'm just letting you know I'm here. Now, you might wanna get a pen and a piece of paper and write my name down. It's T-R-A-C-Y M-O-R-G-A-N. Tracy Morgan. I have a re-occurring character. [ show Stallone goodnights ] There's me in my big scene with Sylvester Stallone. [ show Spacey goodnights ] And there's me with Kevin Spacey, he was cool to work with! [ show Tom Hanks ] Ah! Me with Tom Hanks, that's my man! I'm really proud of that character, man. I call him the guy who smiles real big at the goodnights; has been in all 23 shows; makes me feel good; a role model for kids to look up to, like Evel Knievel. When other black people come up to me and say "So you work at Saturday Night Live?" and I say "Yeah!" And they say "So what'cha do there?" And I say "I'm Tracy Morgan, the Other Black Guy." And they say "Aww, yeah, I seen you on the goodnights!" And I'll say "That's me, Tracy Morgan, the Other Black Guy." I'm proud to be filling the role of the Other Black Guy on Saturday Night Live. So America, get ready... and I'll see you in 45 minutes. Goodnight!

gabb that is awesome but I don't know if it's GOAT

hyperbole from gabbneb?!

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92qgyros.phtml

Brian Fellow's Safari Planet!!

Dale Dudley: Hello, Brian. I want you to meet my porcupine friend - his name is Willy.

Brian Fellow: That rat needs a haircut!

Dale Dudley: You're... half right. The porcupine is in the rodent family. Those hairs are actually a thousand quills.

Brian Fellow: All I'm saying is he needs a haircut! Looking all homeless and stuff!

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/97/97npreviews.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/03/03qcork.phtml

Male Tourist: Now, I'm curious - how does one become a cork soaker.
Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, "Cork soakers are born, not made."
Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!
Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!
Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?
Marcello: No, no, no..
Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!
Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.
Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.
Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96dbrokaw.phtml

[ open on group of guys sitting on a bench on a basketball court, laughing ]
Guy #1: Hey, we've got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.
Guy #2: You're renting, right?
Guy #1: Yeah.
[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]
Guy #3: Well, he's an ex free-base addict, and he's trying to turn around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.
[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]
Guy #1: [ tosses bottle to Guy #2 ] Head's up!
Guy #4: Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.
[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]
[ close-up of the jeans they're wearing, the label reads: BAD IDEA JEANS ]
Guy #3: I thought about it, and even though it's over, I'm going to tell my wife about the affair.
[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]
[ more shots of BAD IDEA jeans ]
Guy #5: I don't know the guy, but I've got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured..
[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]
Guy #2: Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"
[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]
Announcer: Bad Idea Jeans.
[ shows a group of tough looking basketball players on the court ]
Guy #1: Hey, you guys ready? Let's bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!
[ fade to image on screen: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

Jojo: (struggling with door) This boat door is welded shut!

Casey: We've got a doozy on our hands, MacGruber. That's over ten pounds of c-bar explosives. This baby's gonna blow in three seconds!

MacGruber: We can do this! Jojo! Hand me that old bucket filled with bum sperm.

Jojo: (disgusted) No.

(CUT to the boat exploding in flames.)

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/81/81aprose.phtml

C

I

L

L

MY LAND LORD

Colin Quinn: Here now, with a New Year's wish to kick off the 21st century, is Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker.

(crowd boos)

Rocker (Will Ferrell): SHUT UP! Alright, Colin. Let's go. I'm John Rocker, here to launch us into a new millenium with a message of peace and love. First off, to all the mangy baboons who call themselves citizens of New York, may you spend the next hundred years watching your queer Mets go down on the homosexual Yankees!

Colin: (shocked) Hey now! Hey, John!

Rocker: (angrily) What?! (crowd booing) YOU SHUT UP!! Hey Quinn, what's your problem, you dirty CHINK! (more booing)

Colin: (disgusted) Now, come on, John!

Rocker: (burning with rage at the audience) SHUT UP!! What are you looking at, you homo MEXICANS?? Any of you ever been bow hunting? I bow hunt! I love my FATHER! I love IRON EAGLE MOVIES! You all aint half the man my daddy is, Popeye John Rocker Senior!

Colin: John, what about your message for the new year?

Rocker: (to himself) Right. Stay focused, Rocker. Daddy's watching. Go hard, like WWF. (to audience) Okay, second, in the new millenium, I hope that we can all join together to track down that black baby that the Jews and the Pope had together and kill it before it can destroy the world.

Colin: Uh, I think that's enough.

Rocker: (yelling at audience) Now am I GETTING THROUGH TO YOU, you MAN-KISSERS? The Braves and white people rule! (loud booing) Yeah, that's right. I'm John Rocker! I sign my name with an X! I eat rat poison! Cause I can't read the BOX! In high school I killed an Iranian kid! And guess what, New York? I looked up under the Statue of Liberty's dress, and she's got a DONG! That aint no lady, that's a hippie transvectulite y'all got there, smokin her DOPE PIPE!! (sniffing the air) Hey Quinn, you know what, I smell 'Rican. You got 'Rican blood in you?

Colin: (disgusted) Aww, c'mon, that is just awful, John.

(more loud booing in audience)

Rocker: (standing and shouting) THAT'S RIGHT! HATE ME! COME ON, NEW YORK, HATE ME AND BOO!! Cause I know I'm a good man when the DEVIL hates me! I'm JOHN ROCKER! I'll fight ALL of you, you cesspool of HOMO RACE TRAITORS! (kneeling on Weekend Update desk and pulling down his pants) I'M GONNA PISS ON YOU, NEW YORK! DRINK MY PISS, YOU FILTHY HOMO GYPSIES! YEAH, I'M GONNA TAKE A.. (security guards move out to escort him away) YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU ANIMALS! LET ME GO! I throw baseballs! (Rocker starts crying) Daddy! DADDY!! Make them stop hurting me, help me daddy! (to security guards) Stop hurting me! I'll suck your pee-pee. Stop hurting meeeee!

John Rocker is dragged off the stage by security.

"the bear comes back for more fighting" is pretty great

bad form posting a Fallon/Sanz sketch on this thread

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04kbear.phtml
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04tbearcity.phtml

can't pick just one....here's some Tim Calhoun appearances, too bad I can't upload the voice Will Forte uses...

Tim Calhoun: [ meekly ] I'm Tim Calhoun. And I'm running for the office of Senator. A lot of people don't know who Tim Calhoun is. So I'm going to tell you who Tim Calhoun is, and why I think Tim Calhoun should be the next senator.

I, Tim Calhoun, am.. nice.. [ flips index card ] ..trustworthy.. genuine.. likes music.. dances.. [ very quietly ] ..aggressive. [ flips index card ] I have used a lot of some drugs, and some not at all. Mainly pot and beer. But a little bit of cocaine. I'm real sorry about that cocaine. But there are times when I feel like partying and staying up realy late.. and cocaine can relaly help you do that. [ flips index card ] I am not married. So muy sexual history is not relevant. But, if you must know, I had some babies. Mainly by black ladies. But some by white. And a China baby. [ flips index card ] I love whales. But they have to go. So I'm going to organize a whaling party that will not stop until all whales are dead. [ flips index card ] America needs another big lake.

In conclusion, and in summary, you can't spell "America" without "Tim Calhoun". And the letters R, E, and A. The End.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for candidate for president for America. My candidacy is based on honesty, so there are a few things about me you should know.

(pauses to look at his cards)

I've been in jail. It's not important how many times, but if you must know, let's see, one….two…thirty-one times.

(pauses again to change cards)

There are times when I'm not gay at all. But then, there are other times, I'm so gay, it more than makes up for it.

(pauses to change cards)

Here's where I stand on the issues: I'm glad that drunk driving is illegal. When I'm drunk, I drive like crap!

(pauses to change cards)

I propose, that for scientific testing purposes, we breed a type of midget even smaller than the normal midget. We can call them, “Shetland Midgets”.

(pauses to switch cards. Much longer hesitation)

There's nothing on this card.

(pauses again to switch cards)

In conclusion, and in summary, read my lips: (lip-synchs a few sentences quickly) I think that says it all. Vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for candidate for president for America for goodbye!

(exits)

one more:

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun.. and I am running for the office of President of America. You're probably wondering why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America.. and that is why I am going to tell you why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America. I've got a lot of great ideas.

I propose a little more California, and a little less Mexico.

When’s there going to be a China person on the Supreme Court? I propose.. never.

I say we ask France if they want to trade the Eiffel Tower for the Grand Canyon.. but after they send us the Eiffel Tower, we don't send them the Grand Canyon.

Horsey sex is bad. I want to make a law against that. Horseys are for riding.

Blind people think they're so cool.

[ checking his note cards ]

I miss dinosaurs. Let's do something about that.

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, and I'll turn unemployment into a shiny diamond.

bad form posting anything after about 94

TIM CALHOUN OTM

There are times when I'm not gay at all.

^^ iirc this delivery is priceless

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1296322861

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xpp3v_tim-calhoun_shortfilms

oops thats the same one

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/78/78ofredgarvin.phtml

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Dr. McAndrews.....Julia Sweeney
Raymond.....Phil Hartman
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I......Kevin Nealon
Rudy.....Woody Harrelson
Dr. Griffin.....Ellen Cleghorne
Co-Ed.....Victoria Jackson

[ open on exterior, Oak Hills Women's Health Clinic ]

[ dissolve to interior office, the room is in disarray with furniture and papers thrown everywhere, and the words "Baby Killers" spray-painted in red across the back wall ]

[ Dr. McAndrews and her personal secretary Raymond enter the room, amid crime investigators searching for clues and taking pictures ]

Dr. McAndrews: I just can't believe this! They've vandalized our clinic again, they even destroyed our files! When will it stop?!

Raymond: I'm sorry, Catherine.. there's so many narrow-minded, hateful people out there.

Dr. McAndrews: We can't let them get away with this! We've gotta find these bastards, Ray, and put them behind bars!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: That's what I'm here for, Ma'am. Gannon. P.I. P.I.

[ close-up of Gannon's face as he looks directly at the camera, the title "Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator" superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Frank Gannon. P.I. P.I. Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.

[ return to full shot of the scene ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Ah, now let's have a look at the damage.. [ looks around, taking notes ] Hmm.. ahh.. it's terrible. Well, you're lucky about one thing - at least whoever did his had the decency to leave the Baby Killer sign untouched.

Dr. McAndrews: Sign? What are you talking about, sign?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, your sign that says what you do here at the clinic. [ points to "Baby Killers" grafitti on the wall ]

Dr. McAndrews: That isn't a sign! That's a criminal act! An outrage!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, I admit that that.. "S" in "Killers" is a little crooked.. but, uh.. look - I'm not here to argue the asthetics of the sign. I'm here to solve a crime. Now, I was told to talk ot the Secretary.. [ checking his notes ] ..of the clinic's governing board. So, uh.. if you could direct me to him, maybe we could get to the bottom of it.

Dr. McAndrews: I am the Secretary.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh, maybe I haven't made myself clear. Ah, you see.. people often assume the word secretary to mean a girl - such as yourself - who answers the phone and takes dictation. It's a common mistake. Ahh.. but in this case, what I mean by "secretary" is the man who asks as the executive.. or the administrator of the clinic.

Dr. McAndrews: I am Dr. McAndrews, the Secretary of the Clinic's governing board, and this is my secretary - Raymond.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: [ pleased ] Ah, good! The man I want ot speak to! Now, Raymond-

[ Gannon's assistant Rudy suddenly enters the office ]

Rudy: Sorry, I'm late, Gannon. I didn't realize that when you got out of the car, I was supposed to get out and follow you in.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, don't feel bad, Rudy, that's a.. common rookie mistake. [ to Raymond ] This is, uh.. Rudy, my assistant.. [ to Rudy ] This is the Secretary of the clinic.

Raymond: Uh, I don't think you understand.. Dr. McAndrews is in charge here. I am her secretary! I answer the phones!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, if you people would get your act together, maybe we can get this thing solved already! Let's review, Woody.. alright.. let me tell you what we've got here. [ reads from his notes ] It appears that a mob of young black men, angry over the Rodney King verdict, looted the clinic and stole the files.

Rudy: A-ha.. but, Gannon, why would they steal the files of an abortion clinic?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now your inexperience is showing, Rudy. Obviously, they were looking for names and addresses of the loose owmen in the neighborhood.

Rudy: In order to impregnate them?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Bingo!

Dr. McAndrews: Are both of you insane?! Can't you see that this is the work of a militant anti-aboryion group?!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Alright, doctor, if you know so much, tell me this: why would a mob of young black men join an anti-abortion group?

Dr. McAndrews: There were no black men!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Then, how do you explain the damage here to your clinic?

[ Dr. McAndrews throws her arms up in disgust ]

Rudy: It sounds like someone hasn't been paying attention to the news lately.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Good point, Rudy.

[ Dr. Griffin enters, alarmed at the scene ]

Dr. Griffin: Catherine! I came down as soon as I heard! Oh, my God! This is awful..

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Whoa-oa-oa, hold on there, Miss. Would you please state your name?

Dr. Griffin: Um.. I'm Dr. Janice Griffin.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh.. oh, a doctor. So you have a PHd in African-American Studies? Or, perhaps, Jazz History?

Dr. Griffin: Excuse me, but I'm a board-certified gynecologist. A medical doctor.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, tell me, doctor.. do you have any young black men in your family that were angered over the Rodney King verdict?

Dr. Griffin: Of course! We were all angry. But why?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: I see. Rudy? Care to do the honors?

Rudy: [ as he handcuffs Dr. Griffin ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney.. [ sounds fades out ]

[ close-up of Gannon's face as he looks directly at the camera, the title "Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator" superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: And now a scene from next week's episode of "Frank Gannon P.I. P.I."

[ dissolve to Gannon taking notes while speaking with a distraught Co-Ed in her college dorm ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: And.. can you describe the man who tried to attack you?

Co-Ed: Describe him? I know his name.. I know where he lives!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Wait a minute.. you know this guy?

Co-Ed: Yes! I told you we were on a date!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now, why would you date an attempted rapist?

Co-Ed: You're an idiot!!

[ close-up of Gannon's face as he looks directly at the camera, the title "Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator" superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Next week on "Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator!"

Doctor: You sure you don't want to use any drugs for the delivery?

Wife: Well.. we thought about it, and we really want to have a natural birth.

Doctor: Funny.. a couple of dopeheads like you.. I thought you would jump at a chance to get high illegally.

Wife: Excuse me! We are not drug addicts!

Doctor: [ twitches ] Huh? I'm sorry.. were you talking to me? Did you just tell me you thought I was attractive?

Husband: She didn't say that!

Doctor: Let's face it, chum.. the ol' Ball and Chain is into OPP, if you catch my drift..

Wife: Hey! You are really..

[ Molly Shannon runs in dressed as a nurse ]

Molly Shannon: Doctor! The Davenhalls have been waiting for nearly an hour!

Doctor: Thank you, Molly Shannon! Send them in right away.

Husband: We're not done!

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry. I double-book my patients so I can make more money and be happier with my life.

Wife: I think we want to switch doctors!

Husband: Yeah!

Doctor: [ stands ] Well.. knock yourself out, toots! But no one knows their way around your gyne-town like me!

Husband: You can't talk to people like that!

Doctor: Well, I just did talk to people like that Now.. scoot! [ pushes the couple out of his office ] Scoot it! Move it on out! [ stretches his arms ] Alright.. that should clear my schedule for the day.. at last, a little Me Time! [ sits down ] Better call Beverly..

[ the Davenhalls enter ]

Mr. Daverhill: Hello!

Mrs. Daverhill: Hi, Doctor!

Doctor: [ looks up ] Oh.. it's you.

Mrs. Daverhill: Is this a bad time?

Doctor: Frankly.. yes.

Mr. Daverhill: You scheduled this time..

Doctor: That is a lie, and you know it! [ sighs ] Since you're here, let's do this..

Mr. Daverhill: I wasn't lying, I.. [ they sit ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, everything seems to be pretty good. I can feel the baby kicking!

Doctor: Maybe he'll grow up to be a place-kicker! [ they all laugh at the joke ] ENOUGH!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Could you not yell like that?

Doctor: I have very upsetting and shocking news.

Mr. Daverhill: Oh, my God.. what?

Mrs. Daverhill: What..?

Doctor: After taking over 400 Polaroids of your Choo-Choo, I have detemrined..

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me.. what's a "Choo-Choo"?

Doctor: Heaven on Earh, my friend! Some people call it the Love-Llama. Anyway, after taking several hundred photos, I came to a startling conclusion that'll change your lives for- [ phone rings ] Hold on, this'll just take a second.. [ answers phone ] Hello. What? Why, I'd love to change my long-distance service! Yeah. Now? No, now's a great time for me! Hold on.. I've got call-waiting.. [ takes other call ] Hello? Bev-er-ly! My old friend! How are you? Oh, my God! I love Hungry, Hungry Hippos! No, I didn't know they had tournaments.. What?! Third place! That's fabulous! No, I'm completely alone right now. Please go on in great detail! Ohhh.. oh-ho-ho! Ahhhh! Eeeeee!! Ahhhh! [ Mr. Davenhall clears his throat to catch the doctor's attention ] Please stop doing that! What's that, Beverly? Yeah, I've got a couple of.. pieces of trash here in my office.. real stout..

Mrs. Daverhill: We can hear you!

Doctor: The guy's got this bony oblong head. Mmm-hmm. The kind you'd paid money to kick! And the chick's just an old-fashioned fatty, with a face like a rotten bee's nest.

Mr. Daverhill: Hey, you know, come on!

Doctor: Gotta go, old chum. Gott go. See you at the races. And, oh yeah.. sorry about your loss! [ laughs uproariously at the in-joke ] Well, the police were never that bright anyways! Alright, bye now! [ hangs up phone, then begins to hum to himself ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me?

Doctor: [ looks up ] Aaagghh!! Who the HELL are you?! Molly Shannon! Help me! HELP ME!!

Molly Shannon: [ runs in ] What?!

Doctor: Call the police! There's a couple of greasers here to rob me!!

Molly Shannon: Doctor, these are the Daverhills, you have an appointment with them, remember?

Molly Shannon: Ohhh.. I see. [ relieved ] Whoo!

Molly Shannon: Is there anything else, Doctor?

Doctor: No, I just thought they were greasers. Thank you, Molly Shannon, you are a delight!

Molly Shannon: As are you, sir! [ exits ]

Doctor: Now.. where were we?

Mr. Daverhill: You said you had some startling news for us..?

Doctor: What? Oh, yes! You're not pregnant.

Mrs. Daverhill: [ stunned ] Wha..?

Mr. Daverhill: How is that possible?

Doctor: It happens all the time. One of your kidneys just happens to be shaped like a baby.. and then you started to get fat.

Mrs. Daverhill: But.. we heard the heartbeat, and..

Doctor: That was the bass drum from the Toto cover band that lives next door.

Mr. Daverhill: What are you talking about?

Doctor: I'll be honest.. I don't know.. My mind.. my mind is elsewhere.. I got in a traffic argument this morning. This woman must have been at least 80.. and I slapped her, pretty hard, in the face. And then I ripped all the groceries out of her car and threw them in the street, and backed over them with my Humvee. I feel crummy about it.

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, you probably shouldn't do things like that..

Doctor: You SHUT that SMELLY MOUTH of yours NOW!! Or I'll SLAP YOU!! There I go again..

Mr. Daverhill: What's your deal?

Doctor: What's my deal, Bucko?! I'll tell you what my deal is! I'm gonna go KARATE on your FACE!! THAT'S my DEAL, HONCHO!! Huh?! Is that a good enough DEAL for you?! Huh?! Huh?!

Mr. Daverhill: [ cracking up ] Look.. I don't want to fight you..

Mrs. Daverhill: I think my water broke! Yes, I am having the baby! Ho! That was a contraction! Oh, God!

Doctor: [ jumps out of his chair and screams like a little girl ] What are we gonna do??!! Boil some blankets! Get some tofu! Tape some old episodes of "Benson"! [ Molly Shannon enters ] Molly Shannon, what are we gonna do??!! Tell me this is a dream!

Molly Shannon: Everything's gonna be okay! We're gonna deliver a baby!

Doctor: [ screams ] The HELL I am!! BLOODY MUDER!! BLOODY MURDER!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Is he a real doctor?

Molly Shannon: No, he's not a doctor, but he's an absolute gentlemen. Now, come on, let's get you to the hospital! [ leads the Daverhills out of the office as the Doctor continues to scream ]

Doctor: [ sighs relief as they exit ] That was a tough one! My dogs are barking.. [ sits, pulls socks off and props feet on desk ] Good God, what I put up with. Yee-ikes.

Doctor: The guy's got this bony oblong head. Mmm-hmm. The kind you'd paid money to kick! And the chick's just an old-fashioned fatty, with a face like a rotten bee's nest.

key piece of information here is that the woman he's describing is played by renee zellwegger

Summary: Dr. Jack Badofsky (Tim Kazurnisky) examines different types of orgasms, then suggests that women should get in touch with actor Tim Kazurinsky if they're having trouble achieving one.

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage. Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both ways before the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can't.

Jay Mohr: All right. Read 'em and weep, my friend!

[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. He disappears from view and we hear a loud splash as he hits the water below.]

Norm MacDonald: "Read 'em and weep"? You say "Read 'em and weep" before you lay down your cards in poker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.

Norm MacDonald: "Mr. Dictionary"? How does knowing about poker make me "Mr. Dictionary"?

Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn't talking to you.

lol @ crazy doctor skit & and what response

Car Accident

Male Victim.....Norm MacDonald
Female Victim.....Ana Gasteyer
Paramedic.....Will Ferrell
Other Driver.....Jim Breuer

[ Two cars crash into one another. Sylvester Stallone quickly rushes in to help after witnessing the horrific event. ]

Stallone: Sir? Are you alright?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] ..oh.. what happened..? I saw a white.. light.. I felt this inner peace, I thought I was going to heaven. But then that guy from that horrible movie "Rhinestone" showed up..

Stallone: [ confused ] What?

Female Victim: It's Sly Stallone! He's trying to help us!

Stallone: Look, you'll be fine - you're just a little shaken up! Okay?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] Great. I don't know which is worse: being in this accident, or being helped by the star of "Judge Dredd".

Stallone: [ somewhat exasperated ] Don't move, there's an ambulance coming.

Female Victim: Thank you so much. You're very kind.

Male Victim: Ah.. he's not that kind. Did you see "Cobra"?

Stallone: You know.. that movie actually got very screwed up in the, uh, editing, and..

Male Victim: [ screaming ] Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh....

Stallone: [ frightened ] What's wrong? What's wrong?!

Male Victim: ..gggghhhhhhh, I just remembered "Staying Alive"!

Stallone: Aw, hey, come on!

Female Victim: Listen, he's trying to be nice..

Stallone: Alright, yeah, okay, fine. How are you doing, Madam?

Female Victim: My arm hurts!

Stallone: Oh, really? Can you move your fingers?

Female Victim: [ she moves her fingers a little, then screams ] Oh, God! "Paradise Alley" sucked! [ ashamed ] I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that!

Male Victim: Ah.. don't be sorry - the guy stole two hours of your life!

Stallone: Aw, come on, that's enough! I'm trying to help you!

Male Victim: [ groaning ] I'm getting.. I'm getting dizzy from the blood loss..

Stallone: Okay, let me just put the pressure on there.. [ massages male victim's shoulders ] You're going to be okay. You're going to be O-KAY!

Male Victim: I'm bleeding pretty badly..

Stallone: Oh, everything's going to be fine. I'm here for you!

Male Victim: Let me ask you something: What were you thinking when you made "Over The Top"?

Stallone: What?!

Male Victim: "Over The Top"! I mean, you had to arm wrestle a guy for the custody of your son, for God's sake!

Stallone: Please save your energy..

Male Victim: I mean, did you actually get that script and go around telling people, "Hey, this is a good one!"

Stallone: Oh, come on, just drop it! Please.

Male Victim: No, no, you're right. You know, it was an excellent movie, now that I think about it. After all, you know, it does combine the emotional drama of a custody child hearing with, uh.. ARM WRESTLING!!

Stallone: [ angry ] That's enough!! [ ambulance sirens in background ]

Male Victim: Whoa, hey! Hey, remember that movie "Kramer vs. Kramer"? Yeah, that was about child custody, too. Yeah, but it wasn't that good. I don't know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can't.. oh, wait! I know! Arm wrestling!

Stallone: [ screaming] SHUT UP!! [ he punches the male accident victim, as a paramedic enters the scene ]

Paramedic: Hey! What the hell are you doing? You're punching car accident victims!

Stallone: No, no, no, you don't understand.. he was badmouthing my films!

Paramedic: The man is injured, and he happens to think "Tango & Cash" is jackass, so you hit him?!

Stallone: No, no. He didn't mention "Tango & Cash", okay?

Female Victim: Please! Somebody just help my husband! [ Male victim groans helplessly ]

Other Driver: [ in background ] I think this guy's dying!

Paramedic: [ examining the male victim ] Alright, everyone clear! Now, I'm losing him!

Male Victim: Stop.. stop.. stop.. stop.. "Stop.. Or My Mom Will Shoot" sucked..

Paramedic: [ confused ] What? What did he say? I-I couldn't hear him..

Female Victim: [ To Stallone ] Did you hear him?

Stallone: [ reluctantly ] Yeah..

Paramedic: What, what did he say?

Stallone: [ mumbling ] "'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot' sucked."

Paramedic: Wait, wait, wait! Everyone, sshhh! What did he say?

Stallone: He said, "'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot' SUCKED!!"

Female Victim: It's okay. Listen: you've comforted my husband in the last minutes of his life. That's a noble thing. Don't let "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot" mar that experience..

Paramedic: [ still examining the male victim ] Wait, wait, everyone. He's holding onto something.. it's.. it's a videotape. It's "Rambo". I guess he liked your work after all..

Stallone: [ surprised ] Really? That really means a lot to me.

Paramedic: [ pulling the tape free ] Oh, wait, wait, actually, no. It's.. it's a porn film. It's "Rambone". It's "Rambone". [ Stallone rolls his eyes ] Alright, let's clear out, everyone! Nothing to see! [ Handing tape to Stallone ] You want this?..

[ fade to black ]

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/83/83lrocknroll.phtml

Beatles: "Love, love me do.."

Voice of Clarence: [ speaking ]
My darling, I will truly love me, if you love me do.
And I will always, always be true
If you'll just give your love to me
And always remember to just..
Love me.. do!

Beatles: "Oh, love me do.."

Voice of Clarence: You so sexy!

[ Buzzy interrupts Clarence's tape ]

Buzzy Free: Clarence.. Clarence, I gotta tell you - that really doesn't prove anything. I mean, you could have dubbed that over, I'm sorry.

Clarence Walker: I didn't dub that over, man! That's original music! If you want to hear something else, just to prove that they stole it from me and they know that they ripped me off, I can play this thing backwards, and you can hear them talking about it! you can hear John Lennon, I'll play it backwards, listen really close!

[ Clarence plays his tape in reverse ]

Voice of John Lennon: Hey, Paul! Let's get rid of Clarence and steal all his good ideas!

Voice of Paul McCartney: Yeah!

[ "Grayson Moorhead Securities. A Tradition of Excellence." ]

Narrator: On Wall Street, trendy investment fads have come and gone over the years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we've always stuck to the basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.

Arthur Grayson: Our clients must be our first priority.

[ "The Tradition Endures" ]

We will take our client's money and invest it. Part of the profit we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.

[ "A Tradition of Security" ]

We will make a list of our clients, and how much money each of them has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If we have time, we will make a copy of the list, in case something happens to the first list.

[ "A Tradition of Listening" ]

Listen to your client. It's the only way to know what he's saying.

[ "A Tradition of Trust" ]

If a client is talking, and you're not listening, and he notices, and he accuses you of not listening, just say, "Sure, I've been listening, I've heard every word you've said." If he then says, "Alright, tell me what I've been talking about." Just say, "You've been talking about your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on." That way the client will think you've been listening, even though you haven't.

[ "A Tradition of Integrity" ]

We will invest only in white-owned businesses.

Narrator: Not all of Arthur Grayson's principles are followed today, but at Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.

Arthur Grayson: Don't leave the client's money lying around. Keep it in a safe place. For example: where we keep the list.

I watched a thing that showed people in a recording studio recording the theme song to "Brian Fellow's Safari Planet."

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86hgetalife.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/86/86hlife.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/90/90kelevator.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92dstalktalk.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98osportscenter.phtml

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/06/06tvinny.phtml

Bug-Off Spokesman walks into dark kitchen and turns on the lights - a group of roaches quickly scatter away ]

Spokesman: Roaches. Eliminating them from your home should be safe, as well as effective. Most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roach's central nervous system, paralyze him, and eventually kill them. Can't we do better than that? Now you can, with new Bug-Off.

Roaches are attracted to Bug-Off by a chemical message that says, "Come on in, it's warm and safe in here." Once inside, the roach is held fast by a powerful adhesive, while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roach's legs and strech them in opposite directions until, eventually, they snap off. Meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roach's reproductive organs, as the roach's own legs are used to beat him senseless. And, with the patented clear-view window, you can be sure it's working. Finally, wads of turpentine silk cotton are stuffed into the roach's orifices, while a tasty piece of food dangles just out of his reach.

True, none of this will actually kill the roach.. but it will give him plenty to think about. So stop coddling your roaches. They've had it too good for too long. Give them what they deserve, with Bug-Off.

Announcer: Bug-Off. Go Medieval!

grayson moorhead securities is goat

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/snl-wade-blasingame-dog-attorney/3316024460

Wade Blasingame: Hi. I'm Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer - the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?

[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]

How about if they did this:

[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women's yard ]

Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]

Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:

[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]

No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It's not! Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I've sued over 2,000 canines, and I'm willing to do it for you!

[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]

Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law's house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ]

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I've been responsible for over 23 dogs put down - and 3 more scheduled to die!

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Dogs don't deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!

[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]

Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them - but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he'd kill the dog.

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember - you wouldn't let a person do this to your yard:

[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner's yard and take a crap ]

Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here!
[ half-naked man runs off ]

Wade Blasingame: So don't let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me - Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who'd been simulating a dog's behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we'll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]

Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He's man's best friend!

[ open on the set of the "Amazing Time Savers" infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to "Amazing Time Savers", your home shopping connection. I'm Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today's show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I'm gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I'd say you're a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I'm not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I'm going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we've heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this "easy direction" stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet's statements ] Uh.. they're, uh.. they're, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that's it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let's take some phone calls! I'm sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you're on "Timesavers"!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You're on "Timesaver"!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn't it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don't order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it's made here in America, isn't it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It's.. it's an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That's great! Because, if you're like me, you're tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it's a Jap product. They're taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it's even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it's made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what's the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It's durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It's much less.. it's $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let's take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you're on "Time Savers"!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We'll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you're on "Timesavers"!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I'm gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don't you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn't buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we'll see you, next time on "Amazing Time Savers"!

Old Glory Insurance

.....Sam Waterson

Old Lady #1: When my ex-husband passed away, the insurance company said his policy didn't cover him.

Old Lady #2: They didn't have enough money for the funeral.

Old Lady #3: It's so hard nowadays, with all the gangs and rap music..

Old Lady #1: What about the robots?

Old Lady #4: Oh, they're everywhere!

Old Lady #1: I don't even know why the scientists make them.

Old Lady #2: Darren and I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance, in case we're attacked by robots.

Old Lady #1: An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I'm too old.

Old Lady #2: Old Glory covers anyone over the age of 50 against robot attack, regardless of current health.

[ cut to Sam Waterston, Compensated Endorser ]

Sam Waterson: I'm Sam Waterston, of the popular TV series "Law & Order". As a senior citizen, you're probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. Well, now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. [ SUPER: Limitied Benefits First Two Years ] You need to feel safe. And that's harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.

[ show pie chart reading "Cause of Death in Persons Over 50 Years of Age": Heart Disease, 42% - Robots, 58% ]

And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free.. because they're made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $4 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don't cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. [ SUPER: "WARNING: Persons denying the existence of Robots may be Robots themselves. ] Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you - and they will.

Announcer: If you're not reading Larry King's News and Views in USA Today, then you're missing on the issues that matter.

Larry King: This is News and Views, here's my two cents, gang..

If you only see one film the rest of your life it should be "Mickey Blue Eyes".

When it comes to window blinds, vertical blinds are terrific, but so are horizontal blinds.

Has anybody ever died of a heart attack? I mean, really?

I don't care what anyone says, in my book, Ted Kaczynski is not the Unabomber.

Sudden thought: When did sugar diabetes become plain old diabetes?

Of all of the figures of the 20th Century one of the greatest has to be Robert Urich.

I have no tolerance, gang, for anyone who commits arson.

World Series prediction, it will be the Diamondbacks in 4.

The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the equator.

I don't ever remember seeing a Mormon, not once, not ever.

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick and tired of Nelson Mandela?

Here's the dirty truth, gang, Poland spring water does not come from Poland.

I interviewed Chile's imprisoned dictator General Pinochet last week, and take it from me, guys, this fella has a terrific laugh.

Does anybody remember baseball cards?

Between Hurricane Hugo and Hurricane Andrew, nothing beats Hurricane Hugo.

My wish for the new millennium is that we see a lot more of John Larroquette.

Family update, folks: Holding my baby son, Chance King makes me realize how much more I love him than my other children.

Announcer: This has been USA Today's News and Views with Larry King.

Larry King: Margarine has its place, but nothing beats the real deal... butter.

ROBOT REPAIR

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/robot-repair/476221440

And, in other news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved with the death of a woman whose body was found in the back of his suicide van. You know, I'm no expert in police work, but, uh, YES!

the video cuts off, but here's the transcript: (xpost)

Robot Repair

Written by: Jack Handey

XG-7000.....Phil Hartman
F.B.I. Agent.....Jon Lovitz

[ open on show's title: ROBOT REPAIR ]

[ shows robot XG-7000 in workshop ]

XG-7000: [ in metallic voice, for duration of sketch ] Good afternoon, and welcome to "Robot Repair". My name is XG-7000, and I will be your host today. We will be repairing a grandfather clock. But first I would like to respond to the many letters we have received regarding the name of this show. People are saying that "Robot Repair" indicates that broken robots will be repaired, when in fact, what happens is that a robot, me, shows you how to repair a variety of things. I agree that the name is confusing, and I have asked the producer to change it so that there is no further misunderstanding. And now, let's get to repairing that grandfather clock. [ goes off to fix the clock ]

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: ROBOT REPAIR AND YOU ]

XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to "Robot Repair and You". As you can see, the name of the show has been changed from the old name "Robot Repair". However, adding the phrase "And You" to the old title does not solve the dilemma as I see it. The root of the problem is the words, "Robot Repair", which as I said last week are confusing. I shall request that the name of the show be changed again to more accurately reflect the nature of the program.

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: EXPLAINING ROBOTS ]

XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to "Explaining Robots". You may notice that the name of this show has been changed once again. However, as I attempted to convey to the producer, the name "Explaining Robots" again conotes that robots are to be studied and/or repaired, rather than robots explaining things. I suggested several alternative titles for this show which would clear up the situation. But these suggestions were deemed not acceptable.

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: LET'S FIX, ROBOTS ]

XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to "Let's Fix, Robots". Unlike the other names of this show, this one must be regarded as almost intentionally deceptive. It is easy to overlook the comma, after "fix". [ holds up sign of show's title, points out comma with screwdriver ] And if the title is interpreted correctly, it indicates that our show is directed at a robot viewing audience, which it is not. It makes one wonder if the producer has even seen the show. My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if the circuitry could not be bypassed somehow.

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: THIS OLD ROBOT ]

XG-7000: WARNING! WARNING! PRODUCER MUST BE DESTROYED! WARNING! WARNING! [ goes off to kill the producer ]

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on new show: FUGITIVE ROBOTS ]

F.B.I. Agent: Good evening, and welcome to "Fugitive Robots". Tonight we will be looking for this robot. [ holds up picture of XG-7000 ] He is wanted for the brutal murder of the producer of a show called.. [ checks clipboard for title ] .."Robot Restoration". Apparently, it's a program about how to repair robots. His name is XG-7000, but he also goes by the names of XG-6000, XG-8000, BG-7000, and William Cartwright. If you have seen this robot, call us immediately. Thank you, and good night.

[ fade out with show's title: FUGITIVE ROBOTS (previously known as "ROBOT APPREHENSION") ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96jlateshow.phtml

favorite parts are Norm-as-Letterman's "can you imagine such a thing?" and Spacey-as-William-Hurt's pronunciation of "caTHARsis"

uhhhhhhh ... you got any gum?

the one where peter saarsgaard is half naked. or the one where he's in that tight outer space bodysuit

i like the one from this past season with jonah hill as a 6-year-old rodney dangerfield.

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman.....Jonah Hill
Evan Grossman.....Bill Hader
Woman 1.....Casey Wilson
Woman 2.....Kristen Wiig
Sushin.....Fred Armisen
Waitress.....Amy Poehler
Man.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, Benihana ]

[ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit on one end, as Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman, take their seats on the opposite end of the table. ]

Adam Grossman: Excuse me, ladies! Are these seats taken?

Woman 1: Uh -- no.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I'm Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman -- age classified. My father is recently divorced -- ie. on the market -- and, as luck would have it, his condo is a stone's throw away from this very Benihana!

[ the two women nod politely ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Adam Grossman: And she's NOT interested! Bad news, Dad! The recon mission did NOT go well! Nary a BLIP! But stick with the old sportscoat and sour face -- it's doing WONDERS for you! It's a JOKE! Lighten up!

Evan Grossman: Leave these nice ladies alone, Adam...

Adam Grossman: And he SPEAKS! Welcome back to the land of the living! [ to the ladies ] Excuse me, my darlings -- my father has LOW self-esteem! He also has issues of Hustler that he keeps under his BED! Like I wouldn't check there! I'm SIX!! I shouldn't SEE such things!

Sushin: Good evening.

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Sushin! Ladies, a warning: Sushin is known to like his sake, so watch your fingers! I'm KIDDING, Sushin! Arregato and Mazel Tov to you!

Sushin: How are you this evening?

Adam Grossman: How am I?! The same way I am the third weekend of EVERY month, Sushin -- living it up, Las Vegas-style on the couch of my dad's condo! RELAX, Dad, it's a JOKE! Seriously, though -- would it KILL you to get CABLE?! I'm SIX years old! A little "Zach & Cody" goes a long way! [ turns to the ladies ] Ladies: are you familiar with the work of Zach & Cody?

[ the two women shake their heads ]

Woman 1: Sorry...?

Adam Grossman: It's about two TWINS who live in a HOTEL! They have a BUTLER!! I'm stuck here with Mr. Personality! It's like living with PAINT, if paint cried and complained about how expensive GAS is!! [ turns to look at his slent dad ] Beeeeeeeeep! And he's FLATLINED!! Nurse! Nurse! It's a JOKE, Dad! SMILE!

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Alright. Can I get you guys something to drink?

Adam Grossman: Hello, sweetheart. I'll have a Chivas on the rocks! I'm KIDDING!! I'm six years old! But, let me say, you are looking so lovely tonight. I feel like I'm EIGHT!! [ he holds up as many fingers ]

Evan Grossman: He'll have a ginger ale, and I'll have a glass of Chardonnay, please.

Adam Grossman: Chardonnay? Way to MAN UP, Dad! [ to the waitress ] Excuse me! Can you also bring him a DRESS, and two tickets to "RENT"?

Evan Grossman: [ embarrassed ] Please...

Adam Grossman: Please, what? Please get you back together with Mom?! I know that's what you want, 'cause you TALK in your SLEEP! I'm not eavesdropping, mind you, but the walls in your condo are thinner than Shelly Duvall! I'm JOKING!! I don't even know who that is! I'm SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam, we're going to go home if you can't control yourself.

Adam Grossman: I'll file that one under "Empty Threats"! [ to Sushin ] Excuse me! Hey, Sushin! Any chance I could get my chicken before bedtime? Which is 8:30! [ taps woman to his right on her shoulder ] This lady knows what I'm talking about!

Woman 2: [ confused ] I'm sorry... me?

Adam Grossman: You, I like. You're not like that minx Hannah Montana that everyone in my grade is going nuts for. Don't get me wrong -- she's a sweet girl, but a little too opinionated, if you ask me! She's the type of gal, as soon as you start going steady, everything changes! "Adam! Can you buy me some candy!" "Adam! Can you buy me some popcorn!" I make two dollars a WEEK!! Maybe you didn't hear the news, but I'm SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam actually has a little crush on Hannah Montana.

Adam Grossman: Ohhh!! Ohhh!! Now we're telling secrets?! Okay! Well, there's a secret for ya'! [ points to his dad ] This one -- this one took out a personal ad in the PENNY SAVER, and described himself as "adventurous"! Mind you, this is a man whose idea of adventure is FRUIT on the bottom! I'm joking, Dad, I LOVE ya'!

[ Man enters and sits next to the two women ]

Man: Hey. Sorry I'm late, guys.

Adam Grossman: Good evening, sir! Welcome to the FUN table! I'm Adam Grossman, and the icebox next to me is my father! I JOKE!! So I have bad table manners! What do you expect?! I'm SIX!! [ holds up as many fingers ]

Man: [ smiles ] Well, hey. How are ya'?

Adam Grossman: If I may answer for my father... he is not well! That is, unless you are a BILLIONAIRE who is looking to buy a collection of Hall & Oates ticket stubs! Because my father just happens to have a WALL of them -- FRAMED!!

Evan Grossman: Hey, people don't want to hear our business...

Adam Grossman: Well, here's MY business: I'm about to do a Number Two in my pants! So, why don't you hold my hand and walk me to the bathroom, or else you would rather I get ab-DUCTED! I'm JOKING!! I know he loves me! I love him, but we're going through a rough patch! Such is life! [ as he gets up ] Hey, Sushin! Make sure that these people keep their hands off my hibachi chicken! I'm joking! Help yourselves, ladies -- it's been wonderful!

[ Adam and his father rise from the table and exit to the bathroom ]

[ fade ]

Jim Greer: Hello, everyone! I'm Jim Greer, and it's time once again for "Who's More Grizzled?" the game show that finds out who is the roughest, toughest, most hardbitten old-timer around, so let's bring out our contestants. He is our returning champion.. [ audience applauds as Wayne enters ] Yes, you have some fans in the audience, Wayne. You are a former sharecropper and a World War II veteran who hails rom Adler, Mississippi. So, what are you up to these days, Wayne?

Wayne: I mostly been huntin' and whittlin'.

Jim Greer: Well, that is great. Now, let's meet your opponent, he worked on an offshore oil rig until he broke his back, now he is a prospector. Please welcome Tate Mitchum! [ Tate walks out ] Welcome, Tate, and it looks like Wayne has his work cut our for him, because you, sir, are extremely grizzled!

Tate Mitchum: [ stares ] I don't much care for you.

Jim Greer: A lot of people don't - save it for the game! Let's get started. The categories are: "War", "Hard Times", "Bear Attacks", "Ailments", "Dead Wives", and finally "Coal Mining". And, Wayne, as the returning champion, you pick first.

Wayne: I don't much cotton to these computers today.

Jim Greer: You are good! As always, I'll pick for you. Let's try "Ailments". The question is: "How things treatin' ya?"

Wayne: I can't complain. My leg hurts, it means it's bound to rain. Wish them doctors at the VA could get that shrapnel out of my shoulder.

Jim Greer: That is correct! And, my, you are grizzled. It's still your board, Wayne.

Wayne: A lot of people don't know I was the first man to get a team of horses up Bear Mountain!

Jim Greer: [ pause ] Let's go with "War!" The question is: "Grandpa, tell me a story." [ Tate buzzes in ] Tate!

Tate Mitchum: I was separated from our unit, came across a bunch of Germans asleep a field. Bayonetted every last one of them! Didn't find out 'til later the war had been over for a week.

Jim Greer: Very nice, Tate!

Tate Mitchum: When I was your age, I didn't call my seniors by their Christian name!

Jim Greer: Well, I'm sorry, sir.

Tate Mitchum: Keep it, boy, I'll take a strap to ya!

Jim Greer: I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but I can't. Let's go to "Dead Wives". The question is: "Life's hard, isn't it?"

Wayne: Damn right it is, Sonny! I lost Adeline in childbirth 40 years ago! Every Spring, when the dogwoods bloom and the posies take a first step, I think of the way she.. [ buzzer ]

Jim Greer: I'm sorry, that's wrong. No, no that wasn't grizzled, that was wistful. [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum, you can take a commanding lead here!

Tate Mitchum: I've buried wives, but a father should never bury a son. It was the flood of '52, we were all caught on the levee, but.. I don't want to talk about this no more.

Wayne: Yes! Yes, that is the answer! Well, now, you know what time it is? It's time for the Grizzled Speed Round! This is your chance to catch up, Wayne. One minute, $200 a question, let's begin. Money! [ Wayne buzzes in ]

Wayne: I don't believe in banks, I keep my earnings in a coffee can!

Jim Greer: Correct! Government! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: They oughtta keep their damn noses out of people's business!

Jim Greer: That's right! Higher Education! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: Never had much cause for book larnin'!

Jim Greer: Yes! Immigration! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: Got a strong back, we can use you!

Jim Greer: Correct! Religion! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: The day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn't.

Tate Mitchum: Damn.. you are grizzled..

Jim Greer: We have a winner, and still champion - Wayne Little! Wayne, let's take a look and see what you've won!

Prize Keeper: You have won some salted meats and a bottle of Rebel Yell!

Jim Greer: Thank you both for playing, and, Wayne, enjoy your prizes!

Wayne: No, no, I don't need your charity, they ain't no such thing as a free lunch where I come from! Now, if you'll excuse, I got osme work to do. [ exits ]

Tate Mitchum: I'll be waiting for you after the show!

Jim Greer: Okay, that's all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on "Who's More Grizzled?"

http://www.truveo.com/SNL-Celebrity-Jeopardy-1/id/1675676381

Turd Ferguson

that jonah hill sketch was so so terrible

no

Cliff Robertson: Each individual demands a car built to meet their specific needs. Lincoln designed the "Towncar" for the businessman who demands luxury. Dodge, the "Caravan" for the family. And now we are proud to present the "Lux 420 SL" for crazy people...

(A CRAZY PERSON IS SEEN DRIVING MANIACALLY THROUGH A BICYCLE TRAIL.)

Cliff Robertson: The "420" has a fuel injection system taken from crashed flying saucer parts, it is also the 1st mid-sized sedan with disc brakes designed by nostradaumus. The "Lux 420" is also the safest car on the road...

(CUT TO A SHOT OF JESUS, ABE LINCOLD, AND "DR. ZAIUS"--"PLANET OF THE APES" FAME--ANALYZING THE CAR. JESUS IS SEEN SLAMING THE DOOR WILDLY.)

Cliff Robertson: ...Top european scientists designed it that way. And with the built in car sink, you'll be able to wash your hands every 5 minutes...

(CRAZY PERSON SEEN WASHING HIS HANDS WHILE DRIVING.)

Cliff Robertson: That's not all, over 18 feet of trunk space (POPS TRUNK OPEN REVEALING A NUMER OF JARS.) allows you to store over 200 jars of urine safely. The "Lux 420SL", the car your neighbor's dog has been telling you to buy.

(CRAZY PERSON RUNS UP TO THE CAMERA WITH HIS PANTS DOWN, FREAKS OUT A LITTLE, THEN RUNS AWAY AND JUMPS UP INTO THE AIR, A JINGLE IS THEN SUNG BY A CRAZY PERSON.)

Crazy singer: (SUPER) "There's a radio in my fingernail...CAR!"

always thought that was kind of a weaker version of this: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/94/94bparadox.phtml

ONE BIG DOOR.

oh man i forgot about that hahahaa

One team gave it incredible stopping power.. the other gave it no brakes of any kind.

I never saw either of those...they're pretty great.

Woman: I had the bathroom from hell. [ laughs ] It was like everytime I cleaned it, ten minutes later it was dirty again! Then I heard about Bathroom Monkey. They said the Bathroom Monkey system would keep my entire bathroom clean for up to eight whole months. They were right.

[ real-life monkey air freshener demonstrates ]

The little monkey air freshener releases a clean and fresh scent, and it emits a piercing, ultra-high frequency shriek, scientifically designed to keep my Bathroom Monkey hard at work, 24 hours a day. Now my bathroom's monkey clean and monkey fresh. And my bathroom monkey? He's more than a bathroom cleanser. He's a part of the family. [ Bathroom Monkey changes shower temperature level as Woman takes a shower ]

I don't know where monkeys come from.. I don't know how they reproduce.. I don't know how they eat. But I do know one thing: they were born to clean bathrooms. And when it's cleaning power is all used up.. [ she discards used Bathroom Monkey ] ..simply pick up another in any of three decorative colors: Red.. [ monkey in red diaper ] ..Blue.. [ monkey in blue diaper ] ..or Orangutan. [ SUPER: "Orangutan will not wear diaper" ] This little guy just started today, and, you know, I think my new Bathoom Monkey and I are gonna make a great team.

how did someone transcribe that whole thing without including "monkey hate clean"?

i can't figure out how to link just the video but chicagoist had it posted the other day.

Bob.....Dana Carvey
Doug.....Matthew Broderick
Jack.....Kevin Nealon
Ted.....Dennis Miller
Bill.....Jon Lovitz
Woman #1.....Victoria Jackson
Woman #2.....Nora Dunn

[ a couple of guys walk around a nude beach ]

Bob: Is this great or what?

Doug: I feel a little self-conscious, Bob. I mean, I've never been to a nude beach before.

Bob: Aw, listen, Doug, you don't have to worry about that here. The people at this club, they're not hung up about that kind of thing. That's what's great about it, everyone's just here to relax.

Doug: Really?

Bob: Yeah, yeah. Believe me, in a few minutes, you'll forget all about it. C'mon, I'll introduce you to some of the guys.

Doug: Okay...thanks, Bob.

Bob: Hey guys!

Jack: Hey, Bob! Hey, your penis looks great today.

Bob: Thanks, Jack. Yours too.

Ted: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Hey, Ted. How's your penis?

Ted: Not bad.

Bob: Good. Hey, I'd like you guys to meet Doug.

Jack: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, guys.

Jack: Hey, pretty small penis there, Doug.

Doug: Huh?

Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.

Jack: Hey, that's okay. There's plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill's got one. Hey, Bill - come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.

Bill: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, Bill.

Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah, I guess so.

Bill: Well, that's okay. I hear it really doesn't matter to women.

Doug: Yeah, I read that.

Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.

Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?

All: Yeah, sure.

Ted: Okay. That's me with some friends on a catamaran.

Jack: Penis looks great.

Ted: Thanks. Here's me, playing tennis with my father.

Bob: Hey, you've really got your dad's penis.

Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!

Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.

Ted: Wow. You got the address?

Jack: Sure.

Ted: Great. I'll write it on my penis so I won't forget.

Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?

Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.

Jack: Oooh...cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.

Bob: Bill, you're from Denver, right?

Bill: Yeah...

Ted: Good penis town.

Woman #1: Hey, everybody!

Jack: Hey girls!

Woman #2: Hey, who's the new guy with the penis?

Bob: Oh, that's Doug.

Woman #1: Hey Doug.

Doug: Hi.

Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah.

Woman #1: That's okay.

Doug: Hey, thanks.

Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.

Woman #1: Yeah, it's got testicles and everything!

Ted: Great. We'll check it out.

Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.

Doug: Yeah, I guess not.

Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?

All: Yeah!

Bob: Okay, I'll start:

"I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis's song
He'd sing me..."

All:
"Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis..."

[ Jack steps forward ]

Jack: Hi, I'm Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point - that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we're all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we're a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there's room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point - grow up. Really.

All:
"Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.."

[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]

Mr. Chairman: Okay, today's meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now, don't concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright? If you leave your membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we can park in the handicapped space at his brother's conveniece mart.

Cheryl: That's so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!

Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use, so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright, ideas?

Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.

Cheryl: Benny.

Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.

Doug: Head Cheese?

Melanie: El Stinkmeister.

[ boos ]

Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.

Kevin: How about.. Brocktoon.

Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon! Hey, I like it! Let's vote, alright? All in favor of Brocktoon, say Aye!

Group: Aye!

Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!

Group: Nay!

Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon it is!

Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me!

[ Comic enters the room ]

Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Brocktoon?

Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they're doing a Comedy Night here later, and I just got here early to sign up.

Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable, sit anywhere. We're just getting ready to move on to our next ordr of business, but anything else?

Doug: Yeah, I'd like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is.. the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he's just.. I wish.. you know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is one of a kind, you know? He's.. I think about him all the time, and.. well, I'm wondering - should we kill him?

Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God's sake, no!

Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.

Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I'd like Doug to explain why he wants to kill Brocktoon!

Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she'd be, you know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.

Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!

Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn't know how unworthy I am to hang out with him..?

Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don't follow. What about the girl you want to meet?

Doug: Aw, she's probably a lesbo anyway.

Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn't have to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr. Belvedere, say Aye.

Group: Aye!

Mr. Chairman: All those who don't think he should be killed, say Nay.

Group: Nay!

Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn't have been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss. Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere's publicist. It seems somebody has been killing his housepets again. Now, I'm not gonna ask which one of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.

Comic: What exercise?

Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy a little less blurry. You'll see.

Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?

Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.

Mr. Chairman: That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone else?

Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.

Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh? Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.

Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I shouldn't have to masturbate at the end of every episode.

Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?

Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Brocktoon a simple dinner if he truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it telepathically.

Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let's keep the exercise in the form of "should" and "shouldn't", okay? Next?

Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.

Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.

Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want to keep him in a big jar in my basement.

Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now. Go on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your basement?

Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't be able to see him..?

Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..

Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You're talking about killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Brocktoon guy in a big jar, and dead housepets?! I mean, can't you see what you're talking about is wrong?! I mean, can't you see that?!

[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath fogging up the glass ]

[ fade out ]

Boss.....Christopher Walken
Applicant.....Chris Kattan
Centaur.....Chris Parnell

[ open at the end of a job interview at Mercy General Hospital ]

Boss: I'm sorry, Dr. Wallace.. but I'm afraid we're looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our Chief Resident position.

Applicant: I understand. So, did I get the job?

Boss: No. you didn't.

Applicant: [ relieved ] Thank you! You won't regret this! I'll see you Monday morning!

Boss: You didn't get the job. [ Applicant exits, as he speaks into his intercom ] Debbie.. please send in the next applicant.

[ Centaur enters ]

You must be Dr. Lemmon. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. You've come highly recommended.

Centaur: Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won't hold that against me.

Boss: [ laughs ] Well.. as you know, we're becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. [ he does, but the Centaur remains standing ] Our new Chief Resident will help lead that transition.

Centaur: Uh, well.. at Johns-Hopkins, I actually shared the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital.

Boss: As I said, your qualifications are most impressive.

Centaur: Thank you.

Boss: Now.. would you mind if I asked you a few questions about being a Centaur?

Centaur: Please. Go ahead. Believe me, I've heard them all?

Boss: Can I ride you?

Centaur: [ chuckles ] Only if I can ride you!

Boss: [ chuckles back ] Fair enough. Moving on.. could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby?

Centaur: Hmm.. I don't know..

Boss: If you did.. would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey?

Centaur: I.. I see what you're saying.. but, again, I don't know.

Boss: Because, it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you.

Centaur: Right.. uh, are we going to discuss my medical qualifications..?

Boss: The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions. Do you have sex with horses, or with human women?

Centaur: Uh.. neither. I'm really only attracted to other Centaurs.

Boss: Okay. What if were a horse with a mask of a woman on it?

Centaur: No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on?

Boss: This interview is not about me. What if you saw a horse, but it was standing so that its head was in a barn, or something. Would you, maybe, be attracted to that horse's rear end?

Centaur: Uh.. I don't.. where is the head, exactly?

Boss: It's in the barn.. or behind a door, or a vase, or something.. so you can't see it.

Centaur: Uh.. I might be attracted to it - briefly.

Boss: Okay. So, let's say, hypothetically, that you could have sex with the back end.. and it's guranteed to be the greatest sex you ever had.. but you'd never know if it was as horse or as Centaur?

Centaur: Hmm.. you know, that's pretty intriguing.. uh.. if I'd really never know, I guess I would.

Boss: It was a horse.

Centaur: Oh, come on!

Boss: It was a horse. Deal with it. Now.. could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder?

Centaur: Yes.

Boss: Do you dump wherever you're standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it's called an Aubesian - it's a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there's a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there's a store that's a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there's one on 57th Street.

Boss: I've seen that establishment. You eat steak.. is that some kind of cannibalism?

Centaur: I'm sorry, could we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications?

Boss: Absolutely. Let me just find the right paperwork.. [ looks through his notes ] Um.. here we go.. Is there Centaur pornography?

Centaur: That is not a medical question!

Boss: Do you want this job?

Centaur: [ sighs ] Yes, there is Centaur porn.

Boss: If I were to watch Centaur porn.. but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard.. would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing?

Centaur: Well.. maybe.. But you've got to remember that, at some point, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.

Boss: Fair enough. I think that's all the Centaur questions I have. I want to thank you for coming in, we'll be in touch.

Centaur: I appreciate it. Um.. can I just ask you: did I get the job?

Boss: No. I'm sorry.. we don't hire dirty Centaurs.

[ fade out ]

You Bet Your Finger

Summary: Game show contestant Kevin McMurray (Griffin Dunne) is excited about playing the dangerous trivia game, even when the malfunctioning mini-guillotine drops the blade before questions can be asked.

spurting blood always brings the funny

I guess someone at snl watches youtube veeeery closely, because there's nothing there, never has been. But see, I forget that, and I go searching anyway, and when you do that, what you get is ordinary folx (omg) doing their own versions of classic SNL skits. Which makes you want to go Death Blossom and kill your computer, all living things nearby, and yourself, not necessarily in the order.

THAT order

I'm so flustered I can't type. I don't like people. No, I mean it.

how could you not find this?

snl on youtube

^ norm macdonald at his peak right there

you might be right, I'm not sure he was ever funnier

[Maddox approaches, wearing a robe. Stands next to Teacher. Puts down bag]

Teacher: Okay. Terence, whenever you're ready.

Terence Maddox: All right, gang. It's showtime. Prepare to have your gaskets blown. [ takes off robe ] W-e-ell?

Teacher: All right, Mr. Maddox, if you could please lie down.

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-ell?

Teacher: Please just lie down.

Terence Maddox: Whoa-whoa! Let the people be heard.

[ there's silence ]

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-elll??

Teacher: Just have a seat.

Terence Maddox: All right, all right. Now, I'll try and lay as still as I can, but work with me, people, 'cause Daddy's got the shakes.

Teacher: Just do the best you can.

[ Maddox groans as he settles in ]

Teacher: Now, now, if you wouldn't mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn.

Terence Maddox: Oh. Well then I got a little somethin' for them. Here's a little biology lesson, class. [ points to his right nipple ] Milk. [ points to his left nipple ] Milk. [ points down toward his groin ] Lemonade. [ points around to his rear ] This is where the fudge is made-

Teacher: Mr. Maddox. Please. Just lie still. [ walking to the front of the class ] Now, class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. Take him in, notice the way the nude human form-

Student #1: [ pointing ] Oh my God! Oh! That's gross!

[ class groans ]

Teacher: Oh, dear God!

Terence Maddox: What?!

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, please!

Terence Maddox: [ looks down ] Uh-oh. Somebody woke the baby.

Teacher: Just cover yourself.

Terence Maddox: I guess all that talk about taking me in kinda got me excited. Truth be told, that's what got me into this crazy biz. [looks down again] Well, don't worry, folks. It looks like the Hulk's not mad anymore. He's turning back into harmless ol' Bruce Banner.

Student #2: I do not believe this!

Terence Maddox: Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about thirty years ago. Cream of Maddox.

[ class groans ]

Terence Maddox: Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day. Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. Is it cool if I grub up? [ reaches down to his bag ]

Teacher: If it'll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want.

Terence Maddox: [ holding up bag of chips ] Got these tortilla chips bulk. But they're a little bland. [ reaches into bag, pulls out block of cheese and a cheese grater ] That's where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. [ starts to grate cheese onto his chest ] See, the body heat melts the Jack. And I'm tellin' you, people, I'm all about body heat.

Student #3: Oh my God. That's sick.

Student #2: Yeah.

Student #4: [ gestures to Teacher ] Oh, come on, this is gross! Do something!

Teacher: Uh, Mr. Maddox, that's disgusting. You know what, why don't you leave, right now.

[ Maddox starts to sob, then hack ]

Teacher: Uh…uh-please-please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I'm sorry. Listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you'd like.

Terence Maddox: That's okay. I know when I'm not wanted. You don't have to kick ol' Terence Maddox in the ball. [ getting up, putting on robe ] Now... I may not have gone to some fancy art school… but if you ask me, you people wouldn't know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. Which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing. Good day, to you. [ Maddox walks off ]

[ "What a Wonderful World" plays over a series of students' sketches of Maddox ]

[ Maddox blows a kiss at camera, points to his eye, winks and says, "Wink," then does hand gestures... ]

Committee Member: This meeting of the House Committee On Dials & Gauges is now in session. Will the first wintess please identify himself?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Frederick J. Amalgamated.

Committee Member: And what do you do?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: I am President of Amalgamated Dials & Gauges.

Committee Member: You manufacture dials and gauges?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: That is correct.

Committee Member: And did your company make this ferris wheel control?

[ staffer holds up the control dial seen earlier in the sketch ]

Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ examining the dial carefully from the distance where he sits ] Uh.. yes.. I believe we did.

Committee Member: Now, sir, let me ask you: Why do you have a Dangerous Speed on the control?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ not comprehending the question ] What?

Committee Member: Why is there a level maked "Dangerous"?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. you're not supposed to use that speed.

Committee Member: Then why is it on the gauge? Why even put it there?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, now that you mention it, I-I-I don't really know.. uh.. could it beee.. to show you where not to go?

Committee Member: And, for that matter, why would you even have a "Fast" speed on a ferris wheel? I mean, most people do not want to go fast on a ferris wheel, do they?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, again, that would be a speed, more or less, to avoid. Sort of a.. transition speed between "Safe".. and "Dangerous".

Committee Member: Which.. which you wouldn't use, either?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Correct.

Committee Member: So, basically, two of the three speeds on the gauge are either dangerous or undesirable.

Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ confused ] So, wha-what is your point?

Committee Member: [ clearly annoyed ] Can you tell us, is there any sort of a safety device to prevent someone from moving the, uh.. the speed on the ferris wheel lever to a dangerous speed?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: No. But can I say something here? Until we can stop the hiring of insane ferris wheel operators, we're not gonna solve this problem!

Committee Member: [ solemn ] Thank you.. thank you.. [ staffer steps up holding a gauge from a nuclear submarine ] Sir.. do you.. do you make this gauge for use on our nuclear submarines?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Uh.. yes, I did. That shows depth.

Committee Member: Now, why does it have levels that read "Deep", "Very Deep", and "Way, Way Too Deep", with the words "Submarine Will Explode" in parentheses?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: What do you mean?

Committee Member: We've had five nuclear submarines explode in the past year, all because they went too deep, and all equipped with this gauge.

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. this gauge is actually just a meter. It just shows the depth, it doesn't control it.

Committee Member: But isn't it true that on at least one occasion, a sailor was able to physically move the indicator to "Way, Way Too Deep", and the submarine, in fact, went too deep and exploded? [ bangs gavel on her bench ] Now, Mr. Amalgamated.. [ points to thermostat on the wall to her right ] Did you make this.. gauge here, which controls the temperature in this room?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: For the purposes of this sketch.. yes.

Committee Member: Now, why does it have settings that read "Comfortable", "Too Hot", and "Will Bake A Person Like A Potato"? Look around you! Look around you, sir! do you see any cannibals in this room? [ Mr. Amalagamated looks around the room in a serious manner, studying the people who are in there with him ] Mr. Amalgamated! Mr. Amalgamated! You can stop looking, that was merely a rhetorical question! [ a beat ] Now, I can either issue you a warning or levy a slight fine. But I'm going to go way, way beyond that.. and order that you be executed in the electric chair!

Love this. But you really have to watch it.

this?

"The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the equator" is cracking me up.

I have no tolerance, gang, for anyone who commits arson.

I guess someone at snl watches youtube veeeery closely, because there's nothing there, never has been. But see, I forget that, and I go searching anyway, and when you do that, what you get is ordinary folx (omg) doing their own versions of classic SNL skits. Which makes you want to go Death Blossom and kill your computer, all living things nearby, and yourself, not necessarily in the order.

-- kenan, Thursday, June 26, 2008 1:20 PM (43 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

well, "Lazy Sunday" was the first really big YouTube video that got millions of hits and helped popularize the site, and after NBC got wise to it they had it taken down and put the video on the official SNL site and iTunes, etc. so it's always been pretty much a given that you can't find any SNL shit on there.

I can't seem to find Kevin Nealon's "interested...interested...VERY interested" p0rn review sketch anywhere on the net and/or Youtube. Not even a transcript. Hmmm.

I love that. Was that on SNL, though? I could've sworn I saw him do it on Conan.

its impossible to watch debbie downer without laughing true fact

^^^^^^

its impossible to watch act in debbie downer without laughing true fact

-- and what, Thursday, June 26, 2008 6:13 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

annoying man

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2uc0r_the-creation-of-annoying-man_fun

Thanks Kevin.

I'm trying to find the transcript for a skit with Melanie Hutsell from the early 90s where she plays a ditzy blond and says something about "Nicaragua". Anyone have any idea what I'm talking about? Can't find it using that site's search function.

I love that. Was that on SNL, though? I could've sworn I saw him do it on Conan.

He's repurposed it for his stand-up routine and stuff, I think. The best part was, of course, "Heavy Into Jeff". "Confused...ashamed...interested..."

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/01/01lbarbie.phtml Or watch it here.

A precursor of sorts to Debbie Downer:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4160/saturday-night-live-extremely-stupid#s-p23-sa-i0

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h271/Whisper_Me1/Funny%20Pictures/GapGirls.jpg

the Gap girls? seriously? I always wonder if Kids In The Hall are right when they say that sketch was about mocking them, though.

was thinking while watching debbie downer & hearing the audience cheer for flubbed lines how much funnier shit like kids in the hall is without a laugh track or audience

which is why i always love the weekend update transcripts on that site with like (negative audience reaction) and shit

one of them documents SLOW, SARCASTIC APPLAUSE

i actually transcribed this from "live from new york" to post on the daily show thread a while back but its still true

"We wanted "Update" to be good, but we didn't think that we had to pander. If the rest of the show was pandering, then we thought we wouldn't have to. So then i started getting the sense that they were unhappy. Ohlmeyer and his crew thought that every joke in "Update" should kill, and the audience should be clapping and cheering and stuff. They thought Jay Leno did that every night with his monologues, so why couldn't we do it one night a week for five minutes, where it should just be wall-to-wall laughter and applause? My response was, I hate applause. I don't like an audience applauding you because that's like a cheap kind of high. They kind of control you. They're like, "Yeah, we agree." That's all they're doing, saying they agree with your viewpoint. And while you can applaud voluntarily, you can't laugh voluntarily - you have to laugh involuntarily. I don't want to say things that an audience will agree with, I don't want to say anything that the audience already thinks." - Norm Macdonald

SLOW, SARCASTIC APPLAUSE

me and my older sister both love this.

some dude- The Gap Girls was one of the few times I remember laughing at Adam Sandler. I don't know, though--I haven't seen it for a long time so it might not be as good as I'm thinking.

Well, how's this for a coincidence? Last week in New York, three sisters each had a baby on the same day at the same hospital. Though, it should be noted, the three women were in different hospitals, they're not sisters, and they didn't have babies. Also, it was, uh, two guys. [hardly anyone laughs] Still kind of a coincidence, you know, if you think about it...

HARDLY ANYONE LAUGHS

I was just looking at the transcript page for a 97 episode that featured a Goat Boy sketch, a cheerleader sketch, AND a Roxbury guys sketch. there really was a time when Norm was totally holding shit down by himself.

this show is a wasteland of laughlessness 90% of the time. maybe its just cuz they've been around too long but their shit:gold ratio is really pathetic next to the better sketch comedy shows (KITH, Python, even Mr. Show)

that kinda goes without saying. still, 30 years and dozens of brilliant cast members means we have plenty of good sketches to remember on a fucking thread like this!

Norm MacDonald: When the people here asked me to do the show, I've got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don't know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That's where I did the make-believe news jokes. That was me, you know? So then, a year and a half ago, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. They fired me because they said that I wasn't funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it's only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, how did I go from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I'm now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?! It was inexplicable to me, because, let's face it, a year and a half is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny! Then it occurred to me, I haven't gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I'm funny compared to, you know, what you'll see later. Okay, so let's recap, the bad news is: I'm still not funny. The good news is: The show blows! Alright, folks, we've got a great show for you tonight! Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggie Dogg and Eminem are here. We'll be right back!

i pretty much stopped watching when norm got canned from the weekend update

lol @ that opening monologue

i should put up this mp3 i have of some old stand-up of his

nobody's fuckin w/ will ferrell's neil diamond storytellers

VH-1 Storytellers

Neil Diamond.....Will Ferrell
Gary the Bass Player.....John Goodman
Kenny the Keyboard Player.....Tim Meadows

Neil: Hello, everyone. They told me before I came on this show, that I was supposed to tell the stories behind my most popular songs, and then play them. I said, "Cool let's do it!" But, Gary over here was a little shy..

Gary the Bass Player: Now, come on, Neil, give me a break, man.

Neil: Ah, ha ha ha ha! This first song.. [ Kenny the Keyboard Player intros "Sweet Caroline", crowd applauds ] Thank you. That, of course, "Sweet Caroline". I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..

Gary: [ worried ] Oh, I can't believe you're gonna tell this story..

Neil: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [ the crowd is stunned ] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And, two hours later, I wrote "Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.

[ crowd struggles to applaud, still stunned by the story ]

Neil: It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely-legal pornography. Gary knows what I'm talking about.

Gary: Yeaaahhh, he likes that really weird porno you can't send through the mail. I'll be honest. It ain't cool, it creeps out the whole band.

Neil: Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [ Kenny intros "Cracklin' Rosie" ] Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow. Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard! [ crowd barely applauds ] Uh, I can't quite remember how that one goes. I-I gotta admit, I'm a little high. Kenny over here gave me some dynamite pills.

Kenny the Keyboard Player: Hey, come on, man..

Neil: Hey! Cool out! Just everyone cool out. COOL OUT!! [ pause ] This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny intros "America" ] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreignors. Right, Gary?

Gary: Leave me out of this, man.

Neil: NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [ back to story ] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They're coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he's black! Never had the courage to tell him sooo--AAUUGGHH!! AAUUGGH!! OW!!

Kenny: Hey, man, you're a wreck!

Neil: Ow! Come on.. I think I tore some stitches. Come on, Gary, help me out..

Gary: No, that's enough, Neil, man, you gotta chill out.

Neil: I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!

Kenny: Okay, that's it, I'm gone. That's it. [ Kenny and members of the crowd exit ]

Neil: Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection. [ more members of the crowd exit ] Forever in blue jeans.. Where you goin'? Do the best you can. Reach for the stars like a champion. John Elway finally won--AAUUGGHH!! I put clown make-up on my penis, blue jeans. AAUUGGHH, AAUUGHH!!

Gary: Neil, Neil.. Come on, it's over. Let's go, buddy.

Neil: Ow! My heart! My, my ass! My heart and ass hurt. [ Gary pulls Neil off the stage, fade to title ]

Announcer: [ Music Outro: "I Am..I Said" ] This has been VH-1 Storytellers, with Neil Diamond.

This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny intros "America" ]

lot of these are up on hulu now

old glory, grayson morehead, wade blasingame

Thanks to Netflix, we've been watching the first four seasons complete DVD sets. Overall, they haven't quite stood up with how I remember them, but also I'm revisiting after reading "Live From New York" and however much in front/behind-the-scenes stuff has seeped into the ambient pop culture knowledge stream. When it connects though, it's still the funniest thing ever. Jane Curtain is now my fave member of the original cast.

Also, it's shocking at how great the bands sound (audio-wise) then compared with now.

Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello may just be the best episode of the whole show and not because of the "Radio Radio" bit.

had never seen that neil diamond one jordan posted about, funny stuff

watching the will ferrell best-of comp on netflix, i had forgotten how much i like this one, which isn't even really a comedy sketch. there aren't really any jokes (aside from a couple of nonsequiter lines), there's no conclusion, nothing happens. it could be recreated as a "harrowing domestic scene" in a different context.
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/97/97kdinner.phtml

transcript doesn't really work because there's so much of them talking over each other

http://www.hulu.com/watch/3526/saturday-night-live-family-dinner

also i think about it every time i see a dodge stratus

Would like to see Eazy direct that.