Dear Abbott

where is that picture of you photoshopped in as a saint or whatever

how to deal with depression induced by reading your own writing?

xpost w/ rapey mo

do you ever get tired of being a broken record?

Here I am delivering sacred tests to Joseph Smith with my freakishly similar-looking buds God & Big J.

http://b1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00442/12/21/442451221_l.jpg

Dear Shakey: I have come to accept my brokenness.

Dear Ethan: One can deal with this by crying, which is nice and cathartic, or developing an emotional detachment by giving yourself no expectations.

im working on the latter

haha sorry I was talking to ethan

x-post

you know, I never noticed the striking family resemblance between Jesus and God before

Dear Abbott, weren't you going to make loads of $$$ by selling furry pr0n drawings on eBay at one point? What happened?

cordially,
StanM

dan lacey beat her to the punch?

in a 'did it first' sense not a passantino sense

Dear Mr. M,

If you think this would actually be a lucrative route, or have evidence that it is, I am so there. I did not elect to look into it. A bigger $$$ flow would certainly help feed my carrot juice addiction (not cheap).

Dear Abbott,

My dad and his family way suck. My mom's family is totes awes. Should I change my name?

I'd be adding like 6 letters and going from Lithuanian to German.

Thanks,

Indecisive in Illinois

Dear en et. al,

Yes, you should change your name. If you do not like it you can always change it back.

Daerest Abbott,

How did my nice msg board get overrun with shut-in aspie rubes?

Gratitudes,

DG

what is your favorite bar food?

Dear Abbott, what is the sacred text and what is on your t-shirt in that picture?

Dear DG,

This happened via genetic drift, introducing new aspie alleles into the population.

Dear Ethan,

My favorite bar food outside the bar is gyro carts. My favorite bar food inside is these awesome sweet potato fries they have at a bar here.

Dear xero,

The sacred text is a book called The Guide to Getting it On!, hurhur. The shirt has a picture of a Grandma's Cookies/Abuelita hot chocolate-type bun haired old lady holding a sign that says MOTHER FUKKER'S PEANUTS.

Cool.

what are some of your favorite songs?

what do your parents think of mitt romney?

Dear Lingbert,

Some of my favorite songs include Green-Eyed Lady, the Rocky theme, the Price is Right theme, Sleepwalking, "Black" by Jag Panzer, Sisters of Mercy's "Floorshow," "Isn't She Lovely," "I Can't Go For That," + many more.

Dear Ethan,

My parents think Romney is the only good candidate and they are praying for him to win.

Oh probably my favorite song is Minnie Riperton's "Adventures in Paradise."

Dear Abbott,

"As is well known, the return of the beloved
does not correct
the loss of the beloved"

y/n?

Dear S.,

To the meager extent I understand that lil' free-verse triplet, y. It is a bad idea to get back with a lovah with whom you have previously severed ties. However, I feel losses in this life will seldom be directly corrected.

Should I get cable TV?

Dear brownie,

If you watch TV more than two hours a day, or if it costs $35/month or less, you should get cable TV.

A.,

I should learn an instrument. Guitar or piano?

Wanko

Dear Abbott,

what would be a really good question to ask you?

Thanks,
StanM

Dear wanko,

Learn the piano. Do not learn the guitar. Learn the piano.

Dear Stan M.,

Certainly not "have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?"

what are your five favorite rap songs?

Dear Abbott,

Should i stay at work late today so i have more money for booze next week or leave on time and booze tonight?

Dear Abbott,
Is there any kitchen use for leftover solids after getting the juice out of a carrot, or does it go into the compost bin?

dear abbott

where is my scooby doo valentine? i am checking the mailbox everyday, to no avail.

yours, in anticipation,
xjustine

Dear Abbott,

Should i stay at work late today so i have more money for booze next week or leave on time and booze tonight?

-- carne asada, Wednesday, October 3, 2007 4:13 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

i already know my answer to this one

Abbott, what is and what's answer to this one?

Daer Abbott

Who can make the dance ram?

Oh probably my favorite song is Minnie Riperton's "Adventures in Paradise."

Hey, I really love this song too! And I love the whole Adventures in Paradise album, though I think "Love and It's Glory" is even better than the titular song, it's so melodramatic and full of passion. "Come on Aliya, carry your bride, take her where the sky meets the see!" Do you like that one?

Dear Ethan,

I will ponder your query about my five favorite rap songs. As I am not in High Fidelity I do not have a prefab five list. Favorite right now is The Roots' "Water"...a more through reply will come soon.

Dear carne asada,

Go for the cheaper drunk tonight and have more quantity. I elected not to work extra and bought an affordable 1.75 L bottle of Evan Williams ($16), acceptable in coke and as shots followed by some other beverage (water prevents the hangovers).

Dear Mr. Hardy,

If you have a pet guinea pig, they will eat any leftover veg or veg components with glee. They are a lot cuter and more satisfying than mulch piles. However, do not feed them carrots or carrot byproducts exclusively because they are starchy and can lead to anal impactions, which are a pain for bpoth master and pet to remove.

Dear brownie,
IS = helpful was to relieve anxiety attax. This one is was not were. It will be by this time tomorrow.

DAREST Blueski,

Gance rammed by three-year-olds who are uncoordinated or Andrew W.K.

Dear Abbott,

What church are you an abbott of, and where can I subscribe to your newsletter.

HOOS

post script

happy hour alone c/d

Dear Mr. HOOS GRANDE,

I am a ULC reverend so I could baptize you as the church I once tried to start. It was called What Pies Regrese. It was about taking shots, we talked about Tom Sawyer's fake funeral. We also took shots (of alcohol). There was only one session. Maybe What Pies Regese needs to have a general conference .

p.s. Happy Hour alone is the best thing in the world, esp. if it is at your own house.

As I am not in High Fidelity I do not have a prefab five list.

zing :(

Record stores are boys' clubs, dude.

dear abbott,

how many dumplings should i eat today?

bell_labs

Dear Ms. labs,

I think 4-7 dumplings sounds perfect.

Dear Abbott:

My son is the proud owner of 2 gently used guinea pigs - he's read all kinds of literature about them, and considers himself quite the expert, but what advice do you have for a budding piggie owner that might not otherwise have been covered by generic online websites?

Love,

Luna

Dear Luna,

I am glad he has guinea pigs; they are thick-skulled furry peanuts that only love!
1. Parsley has the highest vitamin C content of any vegetable. It's also cheap and keeps a while in the fridge: a perfect cavy snack.
2. No matter what any site says, do not try to introduce two males who have not been raised together. It will only yield violence, injury and competetive peeing.
3. Don't try to teach guinea pigs tricks, they are too simple to learn them and won't enjoy it.
4. You can line the bottom of the cage with thrifty nickel classifieds/free weeklies because most inks are soy inks these days and will not hurt the cavies. You will not need to spread near as much bedding in the cage. It saves money and bedding.

5. Don't get extremely guilted out by sites that say you need like 6 square feet per pig in their cages. That is simply unfeasible in many houses and if they are getting a lot of personal attention (which if you have a boy, they probably are), it does not matter so much.

ever since I was three I knew that something was something different in my sexual preferences, as time went on I realized that I liked anime babes and Hentai. Ever since then I have been looking at anime porn and such, I`m not attracted to real girls that much. If I see a girl naked I won`t like it but If I see hentai I`m all in for it. Since I`m a christian I`m wondering if God made me thid way for punishment or something, I don`t blame him at all. He didn`t have to make me anyway so I thank him for simply making me. Anyway is it normal for me to like anime babes or not? Should I tell my parents or hide thid decret from them? I`m looking at this HOT anime babe in her bra and panties and I`m hard as heck! But is this a sin?

I've noticed they eat the shit out of parsley - good! They're both girls, so we're good there. Do they get bored? I feel sort of bad for them being stuck in the cage all day with not too much to do. Also, do they EVER like being picked up? I don't think they were played with much by the girl who owned them before him, so they mostly squeak and run away.

It would be awesome if luna's questions were about hott anime babes.

Dear Luna,

They just like to scatter and scamper away. They are prey animals with no option for fight reflex so most any nearby motion = flight mode. Once you've picked them up, though, they do enjoy being held. Some like having their sides stroked, some behind the ears, and some like having their chins scratched. Most all of them dislike having their butt/oil gland touched and the bridge of their nose.

If they have each others' company it is unlikely they are bored, though it's good to give them some outside the cage time, even if they are not used to being held. If I don't have time to hold my little guy or such, I usually just lay a towel down in the empty bathtub and let him play in there. It gives him a chance to run around and have a little change of pace.

Dear iiiijjjj,

You need to retake eighth-grade Boner Hiding class. Tuck it behind the waistband of your undies. Then go to your parents and whip it out and ask how you can get rid of it. Liking anime baebs is not a sin, however.

My dearest Abbott,

The rain continues without cease, and the men complain of numerous ailments and the quality of their boots. Our retreat from Hamilton's position has been perilously slow, and men are lost at every turn. Bergson fears desertions, but I am told we are merely losing men to mud, hunger, and infection; they straggle behind the march and collapse, quickly lost to us behind the curtain of the advancing mortars. It is true that a leader's fear can travel down the ranks, but it is equally true that the men's fear can cycle up them, just as the gangrenes assailing their tired feet may eventually reach their hearts. With every inch of rain, a knot of worry builds in my breast, whispering to me that I may never again see the wide prairies and sun-baked adobes of my home. If god grants me not the blessing of returning to you, I ask only that you offer what consolations you can to my mother and sisters.

My question is: does this saber look better if I wear it like this, or tie it around more like this?

Yours, etc.,

Ma chère Abbott,

Que reste-t-il de ces beaux jours?

Veuillez agréer, Madame, l'assurance de mes sentiments distingués

M

CDearest nabisco,

Godspeed to you in these hours of tribulation. Your saber will look totally bitchin' if you just carry it in your non-dominant hand all the time and swing it around like a barely-coordinated loon. Everyone loves a wildcard. The place where you carried your saber can then be used for a picnic satchel to carry a very dignified meal: a bottle of red wine with crystal goblets, a round of firm and savory cheese, two poached eggs, Two jiggers of finely aged scotch, a fresh aubergine, and kumquats from a first-fruited sapling.

Dear Abbott,

If they made a movie about your life, who would play you?

Peace.

Liebe Herr White,

Deise Tagen kann nicht am Luft sein. Die Futur ist eine große Null.

Danke,

die traurige Abbott

Dear caek,

Why is it the only person I can think of is Paul Giamatti? That is wildly inappropriate. I would like to be played by Lillian Gish, were she not dead. Trying to think of a suitable living actress my age is vexing. I am truly drawing a blank. If they hired Sarah Silverman to play me, though, the casting director would get their ass spanked until it was beetroot red, which would later blossom into beetgreen colored ass bruises.

lily taylor duh

ethan OTM

Abbott-

did you ever hang out with my friend Ashl3y?

-gr80

Dear Abbott,

President Bush: great president or greatest president?

Dear Abbott,

How does it feel?

Kind regards,
Bob

Hey Abbott,

Why do you hate Led Zeppelin?

Yrs,
Max

hey abbott,

lou_costello.gif

holla atcha boy,

HOOS

dear abbott,

you are avoiding my question. my heart is broke.

xRR

Dear Abbott,

Pip pip. Jolly good. As you were. Carry on.

Haha, I was reading nabisco's entry in the Ken Burns Civil War doc narrator voice even before I knew what it said (the opening salutation did it)!

And surely Julia Stiles would star as Abbott.

Dear Grady,

Yes I have and she and her husband are the coolest, funnest smartest people we've hung out with or met in a long time. My fiancé loves them too. Muchos gracias.

Dear Viceroy,
Dalek Sec: great dalek, or the greatest dalek?

Dear max,

I do not hate Led Zeppelin so much as I have been forced to be around people who I hate who worship the Zep. Whatevs. Hence the negative connotations. I can't relate to their Zeppitude-love because the only song I truly truly love of theirs is the first one on that album w/the great cover of everyone holding that obelisk-thing, and they just want to listen to fucking Dazed and Confused for the eight gajillionth time.

Dear Rubyredd,

My sincere apologies for my sloth and ignorance. I have the valentines here on my desk, no less, but I got all intimidated and when you suggested a boffo envelope that will leave yr roomies in shock/awe. FWIW there are letters to my congressmen, stamped & all, that have just been sitting on my coffeetable for three days and they're re: a very important concern to me.

Dear Bob,

It feels very carefully.

dear abbott,

do you love me more than the other men who have posted on this thread, other than gr8080 who i understand is a total hottie. and i cant top that.

yours (MAYBE)-

dn

ps julia stiles is actually v boring y/n?

dear abbott,

okay i will try to be more patient. but i will send you something awesomely new zealand-like in return.

xxxRR

DAER ABBP0T

HI DERE WAHT IS IT MADE?

Dear Mr. Nuts,

My fiancé theeee Viceroy posted here so I am sorry but the answer is no.

DAERSt HEVAE HO,

GUESS PAPERS; A SERIOUS GIRL THAT AIMS MARRIAGE

dear abbott,

moooooooooooooooooooooooooooon riiiiiiiiiiiiiiver

luv 4 ya,

HOOS

Dear HOOS THE LARGE,

I don't go out late (nowhere to go) – go home about eight, just me and my radio.

da-

yeah well like im third at least though surely. just say yes.

-dn

dear abbott,

when are you getting married? and how do your parents feel about it?

xo
-m.

Dear mookieproof,

We are getting hitched summer 2009. My parents liked John when they met him, however, it has always been clear they've wanted me to marry a return missionary. Fortunately they have quit expressing that hope in the past three years.

dear abbott,

Another Cubs curse?

What calamity could befall the Chicago Cubs next?

-dn

Dear Mr. Nuts,

Myposian terrorists, as soothsayed by the Perfect Strangers opening credits.

Dear Abbott,

Will you be stuck on this thread forever, answering questions?

Dear Mr. M,

To get into is to never get out of.

dear Abbott,

i found you this dog. It says hello.

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n43/MissMelsa/ill-save-you.jpg

sincerely,

kf

dear abbott,

i just had a chocolate + jam donut ("baked not fried, so it's a bit better for you" according to the lady at the shop). should I go acquire another y/n?

Dear haitch,

This donut lady sounds like she is baking the donuts because it's hard to get donuts to raise ("purf" is what they said at my donut shop) so they do not collapse or balloon during their brief trial by boiling lard. I suspect she is fronting with the health angle. However, if you found the donut delicious and want another, go acquire two (another for tomorrow's breakfast).

dear abbott

do i:
a. tell her how i feel
b. get drunk and tell her how i fell
c. other

Dear deej,

I have always chosen option c as options a and b are scary. But were it an absolute need to tell her, option b would be good. Not SO drunk that you'll black out and forget it though. And if you somehow come across poorly or she does not share your like, DON'T use drunkenness as an excuse the next day. That's transparent and dishonest.

you are as beautiful as princess leia and as wise as master yoda

^^^ THIS

Dear Abbott,

This is not a question, merely a note that your advice thread > my random thread on 1p3. Oh it is true, it is.

Ned

Dear Abbott,

When considering a potential romantic relationship (as opposed to a mere one-night stand), is it better to end up having sex after the first date, on the first date, or before the first date?

Tuomas

Also, you didn't answer my question about whether or not you like "Love and It's Glory"?

Dear Abbott,

have you ever iced a guy for being violent to an animal in public?

kf

Abbott-

Is sass overrated?

-gr8080

Dear Abbott,

what possesed me to share in two bottle of wine at rehearsal and then go out boozing and singing in the pub?

Ed

Dear Abbott,

Thread = <3

Yer pal,

Nick

Dear Abbott

I watched a programme on tv last night about rogue traders, builders and the like who do half-arsed jobs and charge old ladies a fortune for their time. By spending a large quantity of my "working" day, umm, not working, am I really all that different?

Nick

Dear Abbott,

(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail?

Love,
Ken

Dear Abbott,

Hangover cure please!

Mx

dear abbott,

i dont know you, but you look almost exactly like my ex girlfriend, except with a better rack, and i am scared now

cheers,

the s1r weeze

a better rack

Fine choice of words here.

Maybe you English-speakers could tell me, can the word "rack" (as related to the female physionomy) used so it wouldn't sound sleazy, because it always sounds kind sleazy to me?

CD rack?

rack C/D?

Abbot,

Are there some things that are just unforgiveable? Are some relationships doomed from the start or if you work hard enough can you make them work?

Max

Dear Max,

What did you do?

Joe

Dearest Abbott,

Can the word "rack" (as related to the female physionomy) used so it wouldn't sound sleazy?

Yours,
Ken

Dear Abbott

I wanted to start a thread on geese but out of fear that it would rapidly wither and die I opted not to. Did I make the right decision?

Nick

Dear Abbott,

Should Ken c have shish, doner or kofte tonight?

Ed

Dear Tuomas,

Patience be with you, my fine Finnish friend. I adore "Love and Its Glory." Have you heard "Le Fleur"? WHOA.

Sex is best after the first date, esp. if she is like, "I have a special gift for you...is condom?"

Dear Mr. Fish,

As I have not witnessed a public display of man-on-animal violence for many years, no opportunities for icing have arrived. I have stolen boxers and other dogs from backyards in which they have been chained to a three-foot diameter of space in which they are forced to shit. They have been clearly underfed. I take them to the boxer rescue. Boxers are kind of dipshits.

Dear Grady,

I am not aware of the public rating of sass. However, it's a pretty cheap attribute.

Dear Ed,

You were clearly possessed by the spirit of Bacchus, who can be a real fucking penishead.

Dear Ken,

Always (R)etry. If that doesn't work: dir/w, c: that one program equivalent to the screensaver where the stars are coming at you. Trippy shit.

Dear Mr. C,

An ounce of hangover prevention is worth a pound of cure. More specifically, drink eight ounces of water for each alcoholic beverage on the same night yr boozing it up. At the very least it makes you go peepee frequently enough to stave off that extra couple drinks that will put you over the edge. Eat a piece of bread or some other starch before retiring. If you are still got getting the hanged over the next morning, I recommend a cheese omelet with a giant coca-cola classic the next morning at some quiet diner.

Dear everyone,

The word "rack" is completely hilarious and barely offensive, if at all. I do not think it is the sleaze compared with many other terms for bazongas.

Dear Mr. Max,

According to Jesus, forgiveness is paramount. Such is the philosophy with which I was born and not very raised. However, if you cannot forgive someone, do not pressure yourself into doing so. I have done that on occasion and felt like an internal hypocrite. Do not let your unforgiveness turn into your own personal Chateau d'If, though.

I do not know that some relationships are doomed from the start, but if it is giving you more pain than benefits and this looks like a future constant, abandon ship guilt-free. No need to be hard on her or yourself in this regard.

Dear Nick,

Do not let worries stave off even your idle whimsies, especially with something as ultimately inconsequential as potentially getting few replies. Geese fucking rule, btw.

Dear Ed,

I do not know what those things are. I think Ken C should eat some KFC, because I know he likes it and I am projecting my current desires for greasy thigh meat onto him.

And to answer your other question, Mr. Nick t0eleven,

As you are not exploiting old ladies or running con jobs, I would say you sin is very, very mild compared to that on the programme, if it is even a sin at all.

Abbott you are truly an oracle and fount of wisdom apart from 'Geese fucking rule'. Geese are vicious, grudge-bearing brutes though quite delicious.

I do not know that some relationships are doomed from the start, but if it is giving you more pain than benefits and this looks like a future constant, abandon ship guilt-free. No need to be hard on her or yourself in this regard.

^^^ <3 <3 <3

I find this thread highly satisfactory.

abbott,how do u feel about your thread is becoming a new ilm trend maybe("ask and what")?

Dear Abbott,

When trying to discern one's own deep psychological and emotional motivations for a course of action, do you believe that there is usually one "real" reason that is stronger than the others, or do you believe that our decisions are always endlessly complex, and that one continually "gets at" but never "gets to" the psychological and emotional truth.

. ?

Abbott,

When you yourself need advice, where do you turn?

Fondly,
Max

Dear Abbott,

What circumstances, if any, justify the initiation of fisticuffs?

yorez,
wanko

Daerest Abbott,

An old friend that I haven't spoken to in many moons is on Facebook.
This person was once very close but I kind of disappeared without a formal goodbye. Should my first Facebook message be:
a) an apology for disappearing
b) jumping into asking what she's doing
c) 'sup

Yrz,
milosz

Dear Zeno,

I loves me a meme, and most everyone enjoys being asked pleasant questions and sharing their opinion. Plus ethan is awesome. I do not want people should get hurt if they start such a thread and get few queries, though, especially considering some may be sensitive if impersonal threads about fowls get little traffic. p.s. Your paradox was one funny prank, you ricockulous monist you.

Dear Hurting Dos,

That is a question I have pondered for many years. I think, like most things, you probably cannot find a core truth or 'why' for all yr 'wherefores,' but one can do their best by flexibly operating under the guise that they have. My therapist wants me to read this thing about the Johari window, but all I want to do is play GBA Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Maybe you have a guess papers on this topic?

Dear Max,

The advice I need determines who I will turn to. Advice about gardening goes to my sister-in-law with a masters in plant science. Advice about my academic and future careers is requested from one of two favorite professors. I definitely don't ask my dark mirror Dear Abby (as now written posthumously by an abominable man-woman), who spells my first name wrong.

Dear Mr. Sum,

Without fisticuffs, comic movie scenes in old-timey saloons would be pointless.

Dear Mr. Sz,

Finding or being found by old IRL friends on the online is a bittersweet thing, and your question is a main one. It depends on how you imagine she feels about this departure. Were you the kind of youth that attempted to stare out windows to look mysterious, leaving your lack of farewells part of your brooding and laissez-faire persona? Or were you known to be warm and sentimental? I would suggest option B, which will direct your future proceedings.

Patience be with you, my fine Finnish friend. I adore "Love and Its Glory." Have you heard "Le Fleur"? WHOA.

"La Fleur" is obviously total classic, though I have to say I like Adventures in Paradise as an album more than Come into My Garden. I'm sorta pondering whether or not I should buy the post- Adventures in Paradise albums too, they don't get as good reviews, but I really love Minnie so myabe I'd like them anyway.

daer abbott,

so in this story i am writing there are these two heroin addicts. they are driving. there is heroin in the trunk. they are about to get pulled over and they will shoot the trooper fargo style.

what color is their car and what is the license plate number

telling too much in TX,

HOOS

I know this isn't my thread, Hoos, but wouldn't that depend on the tone of the story and the situation of the junkies? Obv. they're not rock bottom or they wouldn't still have a car, but what background are they from? Also, why are they going to shoot a cop over a potential possession charge? How much heroin do they actually have?

I mean sorry, I'm making a leap of logic here. This matters to the color because older shittier cars come in different colors than newer ones.

Dear Mr. Driver of the Steen,

Their car is a semi-matte tan and the license plate number is GB4011. I chose that bcz the number on banana stickers is 4011...these guys are bananas! If that is too precious, try JB14763.

I wanted the plate to say "LIVIN"

Oh, you wanted a custom plate...well, I don't know why someone doing crimes would use such an easily noticed plate.

No, you are right on all counts, wise Abbott.

Thoigh that is a thing I say to myself when I'm poor, "Might have to do some crimes to make a livin if things keep this way."

Daerest Abbott,

If you could redesign the Urim and Thummin to look really cool and make a more relaxed religion, what would you do?

Ned

mmm uma thurman

Dear Darraghmac

You are not a treat

Ned

golly, canya tell me where i'm goin wrong?

Dearest Ned,

I was thinking 'no man those things already look cool, but it turned out I was thinking of the Liahona.

Urim & Thummim, some kind of metal breastplate and a magic nez perce (could be mixing name up with tribe named by french fur trappers):

http://www.mormonthink.com/trans3.jpg

Liahona:

http://www.goodbooksandmorelds.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/LDS-Liahona.148190606_std.jpg

So, a totally chill religion: it would have feast days instead of fast Sundays, and I don't think there would actually be church meetings. High fives instead of prayers. The music of Andrew W.K. as hymns; he can be the prophet, too. He's as close as I have to a spiritual leader.

Abbott-

How come you never hang out on the sub-boards?

-gr8080

Dear Grady,

I have started peering at them as of yesterday. Trying to work out the vibe before I jump in. This step is most likely pointless. I would appreciate if you could perhaps give me a pros/cons list of the better sub-boards.

Oh and Noize had a few sentences about me on o_O, one of them said "tap dat abbott ass" and I was a bit uncomfortable with that.

Yours,
Abbott

Dear AbBOT

why?

That is no more than an appreciation of yer beauty.

Dear Heave Ho,

In my first college literature class, there was a Shakespeare sonnet where he compared a woman's breast to an apple. This made me imagine a man next to a women who had these Red Delicious apples glued to her flat torso, one of which had a cartoon-style bite out of it, both comical and disturbing. In a similarly literal-minded bent, it made me imagine one of those cartoony faucet-pumps being attached to one of my butt cheeks. It's a phrase I've never really liked, along the lines of "jump (his or her) bones." Also, everyone seemed eager to do that whereas Tombot seemed all bummed about Ebert three-way. Ebert was a separate thing.

I was trying to find a still from the "Booty Juice" video from Fear of a Black Hat, but alas that GIS turned up much less humorous results.

Abbs -

Whyfor do you say boxers are kind of dipshits? They are pretty smart, imo. I've known many, and a couple of 'em were even guide-dogs. Granted, they have somewhat goofy personalities, and are certainly capable of over-enthusiasm.

PS - Allegations of dipshittery notwithstanding, I am very happy to hear that you have rescued boxdogs from neglectful conditions.

Dear Oilyrags,

They can be smart, certainly, but seemingly impossible to train, and they have way too much enthusiasm and energy for yours truly. In general I don't care for their personalities, which seem sub-Marmaduke at best. I do like this picture, though:

http://www.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/animals/boxer-lol.jpg

I wish people didn't cut their ears or tails. I do have to admit the tailless wigglebut is funny. It's just an asshole move, to cut ears and tails off.

dear abbott,
i need to make some quick, quick cash. my shittybumcrappola jobs aren't really bringing home the cash i require. any ideas? something relatively legal and not involving sex or sex-related acts would be good.

xRR

Dear Rubredd,

Sucks hard, sorry. They probably won't let you work extra hours, will they? Aside from selling mad amounts of CDs/movies (depressing), I've always been terrible at making quick cash. I started a thread on this once and it's got crap advice, but it's all I got. (How can I get http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=40&threadid=4692760 dollars in one day? As in today.) All best.

Whoa, that turned out weird.

Brandy the tungdog RIP.

;_;

She got a tanline ON HER TONGUE in the summer! wau.

thanks abbott. if i was less inhibited i would probably maybe but not likely take up some of those suggestions on that thread.

no dice for extra hours: not available, plus i've got two summer classes to keep up with, and i'm already working more than 40hrs p/wk.

Dear abbott,

have you gotten another pup since your jackass neighbors lost your last one? Plz post pics if so.

If not, plz post mor pics of basset-pit slobber machine.

Dear kingfish,

It's just the good old Snitter it stands. I'm always happy to show off pics of da happy widdle guy:

Trying to catch a bee:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/dimefly.jpg

Crouching when he pees:

http://s45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/?action=view¤t=peeing.jpg

Ahem:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/peeing.jpg

Reposing:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/yardsnit.jpg

Getting cuddles on spaces he can't really fit in:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/lapsnit.jpg

Oops...middle pic not meant to be so grande loco.

Dear Abbott,

I didn't want to start a thread on this so I am asking you, plus I think you might know, is it OK to eat caulflower if it's a couple of weeks old and has some black stuff on it?

Kip

Dear Kip,

I strongly suspect it is far from safe, and if you want cauliflower that badly, a new one would cost $2. That investment is worth a lot more than potential food sickness or other health disasters.

Yrs,
Abbott

Dear Abbott,

Is that really you up there with Joseph Smith?

Dear sir,

Yes it is.

Abbott

new holy trinity: abbott, joseph smith, ray smuckles

Dear Abbott,

Was that Joe Smith photo taken the third or fourth time Jesus smoked peyote?

I already ate it FUCK

Dear Hoos,

It was actually an unfortunate night where we had nothing but MD 20/20 and valium. So he was all, "Hey let's totally prank this New York 14-year-old farmer," as you can plainly see.

Hey wanko I've eaten some with little black spots on before and lived.

Dear Abbot,

can you send me some valium?

Yeah it was in a bag with broccoli and carrots both of which looked fine. Cauliflower is fickle.

Who's on first?

Dear M.V.,

Prof E. Reed Gilbert, the mime with dentures

Dear Abbie

What is your opinion of this video a friend of mine got off Egyptian tv?

Dear fellow person of the cloth,

How great are Dude N' Nem?

Dear Heave Ho,

I definitely think modern music performances need more epileptic angles and domesticated ducks. Could only be improved by her having an equally saucy and weird curly red-haired counterpart alá tATu.

Dear Revrand,

They are totally great and I can't stop looking at their feet. Plus, none of my coworkers have spoiled them for me bu having a song of theirs as a ringtone that I hear every 15 seconds.

Daer Abbott,

I am submitting this story to the Southwest Review. Based on sheer numbers and having nothing to do with story quality, I'm expecting my VERY FIRST REJECTION LETTER in about a month. Should I frame the rejection letter y/n

hollatchaboy

p.s. "rejection slip" probably more accurate than "letter"

Dears HOOS,

Hell yes you should frame it, maybe with some of those stickers you get on scrapbook stores.

Dear Abbottbot,

Would you consider replacing your carrot juice with barbecue sauce?

Dear Abbott,

I like your dog.

Dear The Revvvvrooooommm,

I think Barbecue sauce is not very hydrating and perhaps too viscous for a refreshing wake-up bev. Maybe cayrot juice + some fancy triple sec w/lit Q sauce on top? JJ & FB, call me abt this.

Yrs,

Abbottron 4k

***

Dear Ling B.,

I like my dog too and I wish everyone in the world could meet him.

abbot:

is your real name abig4il? (googleproofed because why not). if so, this is what my parents would have named me were i female.

max

Dear realer max,

Yes it is but w/two b's: Abbig4i1. My parents were thinking of naming me Arin, which is my sister-in law's name. She has the same birthday as me. John says if that was my name he wouldn't have dated me bcz it wld be "too creepy."

Max is a v. nice name, is it short for something?

It is short for OfficeMax, I think.

Dear Abbott -

Thank you for reviving the 'begging' and 'broke' threads, because I think I may need them when and if ILX revives. I did some silly spending. How do I stop silly spending when I'm not earnest earning?

hi abbott,

"max" is short for "malcolm." weird, huh? my parents did a lot of drugs.

--max

http://indianbob.net/gnu/data/file/webzine_special/2084120183_924c9dae_jackalope.jpg

Deer rabbit.

http://images.scotsman.com/2006/01/26/strange-creatures-jackalope.jpg

Dear Abbott,

What should I do tomorrow? Everyone else will be out of town and ILX will be down!

<3
Maria

Buying stuff that "fell of the back of a truck" y or n?

Dear Abbott, how do I get rid of the half inch of mud that's taken over my floor??

Dear Abbott,

If you'd marry Tombot, could you take the joint name ATOMBOT?

Or TOMABOT?

If you married him, you could be Tuombot.

I don't believe in marriage.

or if Abbott n Tuomas got together they could have Abbotuom. which is almost funny if said aloud.

don't need to get married to share a user name i think but maybe ask a mod.

Dear Oilyrags,

Just carry a small amount of cash around with you for stuff you need and leave all credit and debit cards at home.

Dear crepe,

"Back of a truck" = classic

Dear the Rev.,

That sucks. It is too bad dogs won't lick it up like they would if your floor had an inch of gravy on it. I say scoop it all up with a...one of those things that when you sweep, you collect all the stuff in it. Dustpan? Use that as a scoop.

If it is dry, hit it with a hammer and carry the chunks outside, then sweep.

You may wish to consult Heloise on this one. Hopefully your mud went away over the weekend.

Dear Tuomas,

Obv. the portmanteau wld be ABBOTTOM

dear abbott,

why is house on a plane? i missed the first 20 minutes cos my mom called

or maybe it is not on until later in your timezone. hmm

dear abbott,

Can I play an Atari 2600 cartridge in an Atari 7800 console?

Abbotuombomb Pocketknife

Dear bell labs,

I will fill you in on this House in an hour. It is on in eight minutes here. Hooray!

Dear Bo Jackson O.,

I think that would knock the sun out of orbit.

Ok bell labs UPDATE! UPDATE!

Ours is a rerun (elderly lady's confused lady companion turns out to be her escort; don't recall disease).

In your House rerun, he was on a plane bcz he was coming back from a conference. There was an extra first class seat and graciously gave it to himself, leaving Cuddy in coach.

THANK YOU. it was a pretty good episode.

Dear Abbott,

What does it take to be happy?

Yours,

Dear Abbott:

Please to map Idaho or other place of your choosing in this fashion:

http://strangemaps.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/1405844710_6b85582700_o1.jpg

Dear Ling B.,

Some basic things in life can provide regular satisfaction and happiness. To be crass: a good piss or a good shit. Others inclde sleeping in, seeing birds or animals, having a pet if possible, eating, and a nice temperature. Some would argue many of these things are bottom of Maslow's pyramid BUT they're dependable and enough to make life...tolerable?

D. A.,

Can I?
Should I?

N.

Dear Oilyrags,

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/Idaho.jpg

D.N.,

Yes
80% sure it's a yes

Yrs,
A.

dear sbbot,

which part of idaho map ^^ are u from?

thx,
joe

Dear jhosea,

I lived....14 years in SE "igneous rock" joint and 3 in Trasure Valley, where I hung out at gay bars.

Sincereliest,
Abbott

Dear Abbott -

You rule so hard.

Dear Abbott -

How far have you ever thrown a paper plane, and what sort of plane was it?

Yrs

LJ

Dear Oilyrags,

Thx!

Dear LJ,

From ages seven to fourteen, I threw many a paper plane inexpertly. I would guesstimate (ugh that word) the farthest flight was 50 feet. I made a variety of them but most were from the old MS Word paper airplane wizard. Paperclips sometimes help their path aim truly.

Yours,
Abbott

thank you! also, that photo at the top of the thread is up there with ken c's O RLY arm-carving and ned+dan in the car

Dear a boot,

i have experienced all of things you mention above, and indeed, life is tolerable, but they don't add up to a lasting happiness for me. i'm thankful for what i've got, but it doesn't seem to be enough. am i a greedy prick?

Dear L. Bert,

No you are not a greedy pick one hit, but the question is a mystery to me too and I'm not gonna pretend to know the answer all Anthony Robbins-style. Lately I am thinking something nearish to "ignorance in bliss" : the ability to put bad things out of one's mind until it is important to face them (ie learning to not constantly worry about bills or such).

Dear Abbot,

Thank you for starting the pizza toppings poll, it cheered me up.

Sincerely,

G00blar

Dear Abs Bot,
Not dwelling and not being a worrywart are important.

Dear Abs Bot,
Do you have a shitty memory? I do. I'm of the opinion that having a memory less shitty than mine would make improve my life dramatically, thus making me happier. and since I can't change my brain, I've decided to try and improve my memory. I am currently reading MEMORY POWER, which actually seems like it could be worthwhile and not like a kevin trudeau infomercial garbage scam or a self-help kind of thing. i will report back later once i have tried out some of the exercises for awhile and let you know if my happiness has increased.

Dear Abb,

T/S: Anthony Robbins vs. Kevin Trudeau

Dear Abbott

I'm starting a new website/blog. Can you help me come up with a name for it ?

The only condition is that I want the word "Goose" in there somewhere.

thx

Nick

I'm not Abbot, but how about riff on St Werburgh and her geese banishing exploits.

Dear Alphabot,

What the fuck?

Dear Lingbert,

You have no idea how obsessed I am with current social & scientific understanding (and lack thereof) of memory, mainly the question of its reliability. Many things, especially the preschool sex abuse/satanic ring trials and hullaballoo of the '80s and early '90s, indicate memories can be implanted. I have made a big promise never to question my own memory when someone suggests something that sounds familiar but uncertain. This is simply a personal idiosyncracy.

To answer your question proper, I have a pretty sharp memory about many things, making me good at Trivial Pursuit. Important memories such as where I put my keys/homework/cigarettes do tend to evade me, however.

Dear en i see kay,

Anthony Robbins, and only because Awaken the Giant Within helped my friend drop crank for good. It is not a book that would help me, though.

Dear Upto-11,

Off the top of my head:

Serving cold duck will get you goosed
Goose Mnemonics
Let's Hear it for the goose
I want to eat this goose
The goose picayune
Goose party
Always feel the goose
Goose lips
Theories on the history and origin of the goose

These are not the best, but I tried.

Dear the Reverent Reverend?

Fucking A, I know! Seriously.

dear a boat

if you were a meme what would u b

tchaboy

HOOS

Dear Hoos grande,

For some reason I always associate the word 'meme' with a long, red Chinese dragon. So: I would be Falkor.

Yours falkorly,

Abbott

Dear Abbottross,

What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

Dear the Reverend,

I'm gonna have some fun! And hope the wrist scars from the perpetual over-tight handcuffs fade soon. Probably go get a bucket of Popeye's and their sweet-assed baked beans, too.

dear a boat,

t/s baked beans vs. refried

HOOS

Dear Abbie

Why I gets pot belly instead of hips when i start eating more? I'm otally ass-less and my limbs are thin as sticks

Dear Hoos,

Most refried beans from the store are gross. You know, the canned ones.But the ones at all the 8,437 Mexican restaurants in my neighbs are pretty consistently delish. ie 1/2 lb rice and 1/2 lb of beans to go for $3! Rad! Best when coupled with rice for sure. But there are dozens of burritos better than the bean & cheese burrito.

Baked beans are pretty fucking rad but can be too sugary. The ones from Popeyes are so fucking good. I wish we had a Popeye's in town; the nearest one is in El Paso.

Dear Crêpe,

The 'olive on a toothpick' weight-gain phenomenon is a baffling one indeed. Are you a man or a woman? If you're a man, not getting hips is in no way a bad thing. As to why, I have no idea. Personally, I don't mind putting on an extra 20 lbs if it means getting to eat lots of delicious foods.

I'm the entity also known as "Heave Ho", my desire for an ass is functional rather than aesthetical {we traditionally sit on the floor while eating}

God, it hurts me to sit on the floor and my bones are stealthily coated in a generous helping of ass. I feel for ya.

Dear Abbott

i am coming back to DC in three weeks time. should i contact my ex to let her know I will be in town or risk the (pretty good) possibility of bumping into her and having some awkward explaining to do?

in other news, Madness are performing live on TV and Paul McCartney is dancing to them. Should I kill myself now (thus making Q1. irrelevant)?

Dear Upt0-11,

I hate talking to my exes more than anything. What could you say? "I'm gonna be in town soon, plz to avoid me"? I am the kind of person, that is I ran into them, would say, "Yup, I'm in town," and try to make a break for it ASAP. I say, if you think she would ask to hang out, don't contact her in advance. You owe your exes nothing!

As for Maccaness, killing McCartney would not only make more sense, it would be totally boss as fuck.

i'm not sure it did much for mark chapman but i see u r point.

as for your answer to my first question, you are right. apart from the fact that sex with her was gooooooooooood. sorry that's more information than you need.

You probably would not get to bone her again, only get to have a painful conversation.

i agree. schtum will be kept.

Dear abbott,

YAHHH! TRICK YAHHH!

Dear the Reverend,

I couldn't quit muttering random phrases in math class today. "Oh no they moved the aspie rube next to me except she moved herself there fuuuccccckkkk brother."

Abbott == class Tourettist.

Accidental Tourettist

Dear Abbot:

First off:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/Idaho.jpg

^ Holy Shit this map rules.

Anyway, this past weekend I drove from the "Palouse: Pretty, semi-liberal" area to the "Beautiful mountains & nature & shit" area - right through the "white supremecists; insaniacs" area. These descriptions seem fairly accurate, though the Palouse is a bit more south and I guess there's more mountains and rednecks and movie stars kind of up north.

Regardless, have you ever seen this sign, south of Riggins?:

http://eliyahsmessage.com/sign1.jpg

Yours,

Joygoat

Do you sound like this girl?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgtLvGxYobE

dear abbott,

where are you?

dn

ABORT RETRY FAIL

retry

heyyyyyyy! ive been posting to ilx like crazy lately & it kinda pissed me off that you werent posting at all.

Dear Abbott

1) who would make the best president, Hillary, Obama, or McCain?

thanks,
your pal Shakey

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

I say GOBAMA. I'm PROBAMA.

Yours,
Abbott

Dear Abbott,

If an Italian guy named Albert was in favor of voting for Barack, where would he live?

Love,

Libby

Dear Abbott

Congratulations on rising to a position of responsiblity over an entire monastery. This is particularly impressive as pictoral evidence would suggest you are of the female persuasion. Do you atribute your success in a traditionally male-dominated field to determination and ability, or simply to a particularly shapeless and concealing robe? And what advice would you offer to a novice monk seeking a similarly exalted position?

Many thanks in advance.

Dear libbypiepoo,

According to this Laffy Taffy wrapper, Ann Selevay of Gary, Ind., says "Anywhere he wants!"

Dear chap,

M.G. Lewis' classic The Monk details that the character Antonia snuck into a monkly monastery position through, yes, a robe that would make several bay windows' worth of drapery. Her fellow monk (and title Monk) was relieved, however, when he found his borderline homoerotic feelings were for a disguised woman.

Unlike in the late 18th century, a woman can easily attain and her own monastery the position with a weekends' worth of wages. A trip to the pet store will land several adorable monks and a spacious cage in which they can perform vespers and swing about incense. I have been told that I am confusing a "monastery" with a "caviary," but these people are incorrect.

Dear Abbott,

Can you loan me a $5 til payday? I'm a bit short and I've only got enough for small Thunderbird and a Colt.

Love,

Libby

Dear libcrypt,

No.

Dear Abbott,

How are things?

Ronan

Dear Ronan,

There's some circumstances. BUT, good things, too: I've planted some tomatoes, and I've been doing some drawing.

Thanks for your kind inquiry,
Chummo Abbott

dear abbott

how is the wedding planning going?

xxx rr

dear abbott,

it is very nice to see you again.

estelaxx

Dear rr,

Hahaha I basically got it all done (to the extent I want/need for now) over the weekend. I talked to my sis-in-law who is brilliant and wunnerful, helping me out. We're just gonna do dress shopping and girly shit up in Boise the weekend before, have me play all the time at her Aveda spa. Everyone I know even kind of is like begging to help me. The original backyard locale kinda got fuzzed but someone I've only met twice was like, "Oh do please use my backyard, it is awesome and big and the neighbs won't mind music and noise." And another friend of a friend is like, "Plz plz let me do photos here is my portfolio." Okay! And all I have to do is the graphic design stuff which is pretty much the main thing I was excited about. Okay!

Thank you for asking,

Abbott

Dear estelaxing damsel,

Many thanks and happy returns.

Abbott

aww yay abbott! i'm glad it's going a bit more smoothly. plz post pics when you find your dress.

xxx rr

dear abbott,
that is great abt the aveda spa and helpful friends who want to do nice things for you. also, hi :)
rrr

I like that you called Shakey "Mr. Mo Collier"!

Dear A. B. Bott,

What took you so long?

Dear The Reverend,

Magic! Nothing can stand in our way. You have to believe it was magic.

Dear Abbott,

What is this thread Abbott?

W.E.S.

Dear Abbott,

Keep on rocking in the free world. We need you.

I'm in a mood to be answering shit.

You have a lot to answer for.

dear abbott, when will you update your blog? and åre you going to upload the pic of you when you were 390lbs?

you may not actually ever have been 390lbs - that sounds kinda big but I'm from UK

Dear cozwmmwkvnbzen,

I updated it today. (I haven't had the internet for over a week.) And I only weighed 190! If someone can think of a reason why I should post a pic, I straight up will.

For some reason I can't get my Animal Crossing wi-fi to work, but my husband's does, if you want to get some foreign fruit or a Nookington's or something.

190 lbs = 86 kg

Abbott -

Do you enjoy using the word 'husband' now that you are married?

I think it is a wonderful & beautiful word.

xo
Elmo

Dear Abbott,

Do you know anything about kangaroo pouches? I figure they must be really, really gross inside, but maybe not. What do you think?

dear abbott,

have your nupitals finally crushed the spirit of poster deeznuts? i have not seen him around lately.

dear Abbott,

did you end up reading a bunch of funny books that time you asked ilx to recommend you some funny books? if so, what were they?

Dearest Mr. Argonaut,

I very much enjoy calling him by that title. "Husband" is a great word, as you say. "Wife" is only decent, and "Wifey" is the vilest word, as it shares the title of an abominable novel that I read in one angered sitting.

Dearest nabisco,

The pouch is actually pretty clean, but only because all the grossness and goo and 'secretions' from baby are licked up, frequently, by the mama 'roo. Her tits are in the pouch – how modest and chaste a creature. The baby comes out of a birth canal (vagina) unconnected to the pouch, and the little pink, shrimp-sized, eyeless baby CRAWLS all the way up into he pouch, where it develops from there, peeing and pooping and drinking milk all day.

Dearest Ms. Labs,

That man is a mystery to me.

Dearest horseshoe,

Many of the books in which I was most interested were not available at my local library. I read Lorrie Moore's Who Will Run the Frog Hospital?, which I really loved. I plan to read more of her books.

aw i love that book! she is the best. i think maybe Birds of America is the best Lorrie Moore, but i am very fond of Anagrams. sometimes the phrase "the nun of that" comes into my head randomly and won't go away.

thanks for your prompt reply!

lorrie moore is dope, i listened to some of her stories in the car on the drive across the country and actually loled a couple times

Dear Abbott,

Is there any way to train yourself to need less and less sleep? I would like to watch comedies on BBC iplayer on a laptop in bed till the small hours and still be able to string a sentence together.

Yours fuzzily

Ljubljana

(i know i'm not Abbott but i've been watching tv on my laptop as i fall asleep lately and i kind of think it's destroying my life.)

Dear Abbott

... and not destroy my life in other ways I may not have thought of despite still being able to string a sentence together.

L.

Dear Horseshoe

I will be done for if iplayer does re-runs of the House of Tiny Tearaways, to which I was shamefully addicted. That would be worth destroying my life for at least for a six-week run.

Dear Abbott,

How many people need to be on a bus in order for loud swearing to be considered inappropriate?

If a bum's pants fall down on the bus and he seems incapable of pulling them up, who's responsible for concealing his shame from any nearby children? (based on a true story)

If a homeless disabled guy loudly uses a certain racial epithet while demanding to be given a seat on the bus, should he be given a seat anyway? or are the passengers justified in forcibly kicking his ass off the bus? (also a true story!)

If two junkies on the bus are arguing about whether or not Lou Reed was in Black Sabbath, should I bother correcting them?

Yours,
Shakey Mo Collier

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

Loud swearing isn't appropriate on the bus. You can definitely pull off quiet swearing ('indoor voice') if the din of other passengers cancels it out.

The bum's slovenly & immodest ways bring to mind the bystander effect. Except I think a lot more people would be willing to stop a rape or perform CPR or help a person with a seizure than touch the pants/loins of a bum. I think a way to solve this problem would be to alert the bus driver, who would handily solve the problem for you. If you live in a place where you can't talk to bus drivers, I think an able-bodied male should step in and keep the rest of the passengers from being scarred by junk on the bus.

I think homeless disabled buys should be given a fair amount of leeway. If the racial epithet was clearly directed at a specific person or group of people on the bus, then he should be told he'll have to wait for the next bus until he learns that's not City Bus language. If he just seems to be loudly using it, out of context, I think he should be allowed on the bus but sternly reprimanded.

Junkies arguing about Lou Reed's history should never be corrected. 1. That shit is hilarious to overhear and can escalate to even better levels when left alone. 2. If you correct them, they'll start having a conversation with you that will be difficult to get out of.

Bonus tip: If you are reading comics with lots of nudity and a second-grader sits next to you, it is time to put the comic away.

Yours from the bus,

Abbott

junkies arguing about lou reed is some meta shit

did I mention they were on there way back home from the methadone clinic

Maybe "Satellite of Love" was playing on the methadone clinic muzaks.

Dear Abbott,

A friend of mine recently insisted that Mormon missionaries are not permitted to cross bodies of water (lakes, bridges, rivers, etc.) while on their missions. Is he making shit up (again) or does this purported
prohibition have some typically wacky root in Mormon theology?

thanks,
Shaky

hey I can't even snig my name

I have seen Mormons in places other than Utah, so I'm assuming that some bodies of water must have been crossed at one point.

Mormon missionaries even.

"while on their missions" = specific subset come on man!

well couldn't a mormon so conflicted just be like ok I'm not doing any missioning for the next ten minutes and then ford the river and go back to work once they were across

Dearest Mr. Mo Collier,

Your friend was in the general area but not really even the correct zip code. It would be basically impossible to not be able to cross bodies of water. I mean – ???

BUT: missionaries aren't allowed to go SWIMMING while on their mission, in swimming pools or bodies of water. This comes from Doctrine & Covenants ch. 61, verses 14-15:

14. Behold, I, the Lord in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters.

15. Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh will be safe upon the water.

So they're kind of hedging their bets by not letting missionaries swim.

(BTW, D&C 61 is one of the many hilarious D&C chapterswherein the voice of god calls out one of the 40 or so members of the early church by name and says, "Seriously, quit whining about your cow, Mrs. Woman" or, "No, seriously, you need to give the church ALL your property Mr. Guy."

In D&C 25, God sends Joseph Smith a revelation directed at his wife, Emma Smith:

5. And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness.

I mean that is pretty damn bold, writing your own scriptures to tell your wife she's being too brassy!

Always thinking Dilation and Curettage whenever I see "D&C".

Hey guys I am in an answering mood.

What is the natural order of the sciences?

what should i try to draw for this show poster i am trying to make? i'm better at drawing objects than animals or people

the people on the chicago thread suggested a van. my van that i am drawing looks kind of retarded. is a retarded van good for a show poster?

Dear Abbott,

Why has my friend not been online for 10 days?

LG

"short van". xp

Dear Abbot,

I have to come up with a two word phrase to be printed on a t-shirt that has a guitar! and lightning bolts! and storm clouds! What words go there? Maybe a pun.

Looking forward to your snappy answer to my stupid question,
Elmo

Dear n/a,

I find cars difficult to draw, so that may be a reason I love illustrations of retarded vehicles of all stripe. If you're still reluctant to show yr retarded van pride to the world, I recommend: a safe, a cute UFO, a lay-z-boy chair, a windmill, or the moon getting punched by Uncle Sam (I did a band poster w/that once, you are free to use it). I would like to see your retarded van.

Yours,

retarded Abbott-van

Dear Mr. Garda,

They're probably too cold to be sitting by a computer, as it's hard to type while wearing gloves or mittens. That is the first hypothesis I came up with. Others can be provided if you like.

Yours in the cold,

Abbott

this van isn't actually turning out too bad

Dearest Mr. Argonaut,

The t-shirt should read
SEXY/TOUGH
.

That idea came from my dog, who constantly tries to get me to acknowledge that he is "sexytough." No way am I saying that about a dog. If you want an answer from me and not my dog, assuming sexy/tough is a bit much, I will help if requested.

Yours in screenprinting adventures,

Abbott

dear abbott,

do you think it's a good idea for you to be a sitewide mod since you're overly sensitive (ie: crying at cankles' lol posts) and post batshit overly personal things about yourself?

-ages

Dear libcrypt,

How the fudge am I supposed to answer that question? I recommend reading Consilience by Edward O. Wilson, who has more lucid things to say on the subject than I do.

Yours in biology geekdom,

Abbigabbott

Dear Abbott,
i lost my job before christmas and can't get motivated to find another. Got any tips?

Dear Ages,

In a 'job,' one must divorce themselves from personal biases and prejudices (in a manner that does not violate one's own deepest ethics) in order to complete tasks with a level head and tempered heart. This is something I strive to do in my modding tasks, as well as any other interactions with the public in which I have been given responsibilities. If anything, I am extremely laissez-faire as a mod.

If you knew me 'IRL,' you would find that I am overly sensitive, which leads to public crying jags, and that I say complete guano loco TMI stuff to my buds and broheems alla time. However, I strive with great success to do this on 'my own time' in a way that does not interfere with my professional and academic efforts.

In undue earnestness,

Abbott-'not a rocker'-gail

dont you think someone that doesnt cry at dumb ilx posts would be a better mod?

Dear not_goodwin,

Do you have enough money to make you feel secure in a Maslow's-bottom-of-the-pyramid way? If so, sleep 16 hours a day, or more. It will feel good for a while. However, after a few weeks you'll get so tired of sleeping that applying for jobs will not seem so bad. Alternately, you could use this time to have good, chill fun like reading library books, practicing new cooking skills, or playing video games.

If it's a case of being 'not arsed' in a way underscored by terror, just apply for one job a day. That's the minimum to feel good about looking for a job, and the maximum amount of applications to complete a day before going crazy.

Yours,

Abbott

Hey Abbott,

Your new tat is pretty dope, but as the CCA is/was a meaningless and restrictive censorial force, don't it sorta feel weird to be branded by a rating?
Also: do you own/have read Wertham's Seduction of the Innocent?
BONUS QUESTION: Should I take an offer to blog professionally once a week as a side project? I'm afraid it's going to be a headache.

I will cosign the one job a day rule, but it needs to include weekends.

Dearest Mr. Clovetofu,

I have indeed read Mr. Wertham's Seduction of the Innocent, which is about as dull any typical piece of hyperbolic punditry. It is interesting for historical reasons, however. The whole zeitgeist there was fucking loco. Poor Will Gaines, who said "Inhereit the Wind" was one of his favorite movies bcz he could relate so much from his own insane and ridiculous trial experiences.

Why the tat then? I wanted to get a tat about comics that was all-encompassing and not overdone. The whole Wertham trials were totally fascinating to me. Also, today, it's only found on the world's most inane comics, which I find endearing.

As for the blog, if you think now it's going to be a headache, it will end up being a clusterfuck migraine. Say no go.

'Comic'ally,

Abbott

Can I go home now? PLEASE?

also:

Wanna see my broken tooth?

ban chaki

Dearest Mr. Rags,

Sure, and yes.

Yours in morbid dental fascination,

Abbott

These are satisfying answers.
Important deets I left out as TMI that will probably talk me into doing the blog: 1)pays a c-note per blog 2)gets me access to cool nyc film festivals as press 3)only need to post once per week.

Dear Abbott,

What is yr fave Rudy Rucker book?

Yrs,

Libs

The picture section of Seduction of the Innocent is awesome; the closeups of elbows and knees meant to suggest vaginas and cocks are endlessly hysterical.

Mr. Clovestofu,

I say go for it, then. Extra $400 a month is in no way a piffle.

Yours in flexible advice,

Abbott

agreeded.

now i just need to see if they call me back for second conversation.

Dear Abbott,

Thanks for that advice, my friend is also v busy at work, so that and the cold may be the reasons.

On another topic, I have no idea what job I want to do for the first time in my life. Should I just do something boring or whatever I can get and let time decide for me? Or will that lead to boredom?

Also what is your favourite tea?

Sincerely

LG

Dear Mr. Garda,

Uncertainty about jobs is so common. Soooo fucking common. A boring job will motivate you to figure out what the hell it is you want to do, as I discovered while working 1.5 years at Kinko's (if nothing else, it will at least help you know what you DON'T want to do). Also you will be making money while figuring out what you do want to do, which is good.

My favorite tea is Earl Grey: I have had four glasses of it today.

Yours,

Abbott

oh, one more cuz I'm feeling chatty: have you tried KEN KEN puzzles yet?
I'm getting seriously into it and think i need to get a book of these for moments of subway mindwipe.

Dear Abbott,

I haven't driven for 15 years and I want to re-learn when I move to the US of A. I am a terrible driver because the spatial reasoning bit of my brain seems to be missing but I don't see how else I get to see cool stuff outside cities. Can you either

a) tell me rousing exciting things about your adventures in your cool car (I remember the picture) that will make me want to get on with it or
b) recommend some alternative means of American transport?

Footsoldierly,

Ljubljana

Dear Mr. Clovetofu,

I haven't tried them yet but they look way cool + way better than sudoku. I can't even do sudoku. The reason: in eighth grade algebra, our teacher wld give us 'equation crosswords' for extra credit. They were about 30x30, and you'd solve equations & fill the answer in like a crossword. We discovered we could write any old goddamned numbers and get extra credit – she never actually checked the answers. So now when I see the sudoku grid, I go back to hours of filling out those damn extra credit sheets and can only think to write a random string '0 4 3 8 1 6 6 2 4 0 9 3 5' etc.

KenKen not only looks neater BUT the boxes are not all the same shape so it should be doable for me.

Yours,

Abbott

Dear Ljubljana,

That car (my Cadillac Seville) is no longer with this world (RIP). But this week I am getting an '86 Mercedes-Benz. Hilarious.

The unfortunate thing about 99+% of the United States it is unduly difficult to get around without a car. The fortunate thing is a great, great amount of the cars in the U.S. are automatic transmission: no clutch, no shifting. That means your car basically has a fast button and a slow button. I'm sure you'll get in the knack of it quite easily, especially since you've done it before. Just make sure to guard yourself against idiot drivers, and please be respectful of pedestrians.

Driving is fun and you'll enjoy it.

Yours Americanly,

Abbott

You'll get no extra credit but Will Shortz will think you're cool and that counts for a lot.
Give it a try: http://www.kenken.com/playnow.html

Dear Abbott,

A friend of mine just gave me a button featuring a picture of Phil Spector, specifically, the fairly recent picture of him in court with the huge 'fro. Seeing as how I am huge fan of the man's music but basically think he's a totally loathsome shitbag who in all likelihood murdered that poor woman, it seems wearing this button would be kinda tasteless. Otoh, it is a very funny picture... What do you think?

Thanks,
Shakey

For example: with an automatic, you can stick your left foot out the window while driving and chewing on a big piece of licorice root.

xxp

wow hey I had a '76 Cadillac Seville once too... what a beast that was

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

It depends who will probably see it. People who hate Phil Spector? People who find him to be lols (in a bittersweet way)? Or – most significantly – people who have no idea who the crap he is? That would mean you'd have to explain the whole thing alla time, which could get depressing and complicated.

At any rate, is is 438x better than wearing a GG Allin pin.

Yours,

Abbott

I will use this as a visualisation exercise. xxxp

bla bla bla bla bla
― Ages 8 to 80

SUGGEST BAN

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 5:24 PM Site Ages 8 to 80 has been banned permanently.

Whoa. I think I may have special powers!

Dear Abbott,

Did you ever think you had special powers?

Dear ZS,

We've all known you've had special powers for ages.

I think the only special power I have is to make the left speaker in a stereo break within a week of me getting it.

Yours monaurally,

Abbott

I have to say that your power will probably not come in handy very often. But someday, mark my words, some villain will be in a situation where her only hope is your left speaker, installed within the last week. And you'll just laugh and laugh and laugh, because you'll know you can break that speaker whenever you want.

Thank you Abbott, i will try all of them apart from the sleep thing as i can't sleep at all.

you're a star x

wait chaki was banned...?

Flaming psychopaths tend to be, yah.

huh

was not aware of flaming psychopath tendencies

I would like to see your retarded van.

Yours,

retarded Abbott-van

― i'm shy (Abbott), Tuesday, February 10, 2009 3:22 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3428/3293079179_29dd951f30.jpg

omg <3

omg <3

also

Dearest Mr. Rags,

Sure, and yes.

Yours in morbid dental fascination,

Abbott

― i'm shy (Abbott), Tuesday, February 10, 2009 3:45 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark

Couldn't get a good pic while it was still in my mouf. Sorry. But click!

i have not been to a dentist in probably 10 years

How much weed is too much weed? Like, what is a non-abberational pot habit?

^^^
Sincerely,
"crunked in cruces"

Dearest Oilyrags,

http://www.midmar.com/xmasHomeAlone1.jpg

!!!!!!!!

Dearest the Viceroy,

Weed is okay every other day. Abstaining on alternating days for bedroom and social purposes is a kindness to others.

TMI board, people

The "snap" it made when the broke the crown off from the root was pretty amazing.

yow!

dear abbott,

what music did you play at your wedding/while walking down the 'aisle'? what was on your shortlist of music to play at this event?

<3

"let's get married" -- boner jamz

>The "snap" it made when the broke the crown off from the root was pretty amazing.

massive lolz 4 this...

not that I mind, but what's so funny?

I think if I smoked weed with Abbott, I'd teleport into another dimension or something. It's kindof scary to think about.

Describe your favorite apocalyptic scenario plz.

Favorite?

abbs

have u ever owned pets plz describe their names and temperments ty

hoos

Dearest Hoos,

God, you wanted a short novel or what?

Age 5:

Jojo the turtle. We took a family trip to Kentucky and we picked the turtle up off a road there. He was a nice little guy. I drew a lot of pictures & wrote many stories & comics about him. A car ran over him after a few months.

Age 6:

Biscuit, a nice pomeranian mix dog who was fluffy and white. She was affable and loved to roll around in freshly cut grass, giving her fur a greenish tint. We had her for 9 months, got rid of her when we moved (lord knows why).

Mrs. Frisby, a mouse. I got her from my first grade teacher, who had a class pet mouse that made a lot of babies and was also named Mrs. Frisby. The mouse escaped.

Nicodemus, another mouse from my first grade teacher. It ran away too. My parents said I couldn't have any more mice.

Age 7:

I wanted a dog but my parents would only let us get cats.

Max, a manx cat who was white with a grey butt, grey nose and grey ears. He hopped like a bunny when he ran. He was a neat and funny cat, but I was kind of bitter bcz he would never sleep with me or pay much attention to me specifically. He ran away.

Roman was a very nice tortie kitten who got ran over in two days. I found his squashed, oozing body & he was still alive & screaming in pain. I convinced my dad to take Roman to the vet to get him put down instead of drowning him. The vet did it for free. I didn't go to school the next day, I was so sad. My parents quit letting me have cats.

Age 10:

Jasper, a small desert lizard. He was pretty boring. He just sat on his heat rock. He escaped, too. They're fast motherfuckers. That thing where their tails flip out after breaking off: I can see why that is a great defense mechanism. It's jarring as hell.

Oscar, a hermit crab. He lived in Jasper's old cage. He died after 3 days on Thanksgiving. I had difficulty feeling sad, but I did feel like a shithead with some kind of pet-killing curse.

Age 12:

Two tabby cats, Orville and Wilbur. They were cuddle kitties to the max. Orville got locked in a grain silo & was cooked to death. Wilbur was so funny. He could climb ladders. One time he adopted some stray kittens and tried to nurse them and everything. It was incredible. He was around for two lovely years until he crawled into my dad's warm truck engine & died when the car started.

Age 13:

A black moor goldfish named Shelby. He only had one eye! I adopted him from someone whose other fish had attempted to kill it. His fins were ragged, too, but those grew back. He lived for two years and was a point of pride for me, this homely little fish. When he died, I played "In My Room" by the Beach Boys on repeat because we spent a lot of time together in my room.

Age 15:

Alice and Sylvia, two black and white rats. They weren't as sociable as I'd hoped, meaning not at all. I think they'd been at the pet store a long time when I got them. Our relationship was: I'd clean the cage and try not to get bitten. I gave them to a friend eventually, who was happier with them than I was.

Part two, pets of my adulthood, soon to come!

poor abbott's pets ;_;

The same thing that happened to your Wilbur happened to one of my cats (which I had sadly and appropriately named "Blender").

Oh dear!

I have lots of horrific pet stories too...I thought about starting a thread but it would just be a horror show thread.

One of my biggest worries is: what if my dog dies? I would be inconsolable. I am going to go pet my dog right now.

i constantly worry about my cats dying. they are getting a little old (10 and 8 yrs old) and although i have had cats my whole life pretty much, i have never had one die, due to moving every few years and leaving them behind (this sounds bad but these were international moves that would have required quarantining pets).

My dog is 14, and still chipper as hell - if only for 45 min a day. She then sleeps the rest of the time.

Weed is okay every other day. Abstaining on alternating days for bedroom and social purposes is a kindness to others.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^.

my past cats have either ran away or gotten sick and been euthanized. now one of my cats is 15 or 16 and i'm constantly poking him to make sure he's still breathing (because he's usually asleep).

i constantly worry about my cats dying.

and

i'm constantly poking him to make sure he's still breathing

Me toooo. Just today when I left the house, I said to both cats, "You both be here and alive when I get back!" which is kind of crazy, now that I think about it. I had a really tough time when our big sweet fat cat died a year ago last Feb. and he wasn't even my favorite. When my Number One Cat dies, I don't know what I'm going to do.

this fella...
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3543/3434215518_8063498b1b.jpg
is about 15, 16? do not know what i will do with myself when he passes, and really don't like to dwell on it too much.

I have met Stevie's grand cat there and agree.

That's a very excellent cat.

He's got a lot of character.

also, glaucoma. but he makes it work.

Glaucoma detracts from neither excellence nor character, in cats or humans (or dogs), in my experience.

Get him some medical marijuana.

Deer Abbott:
you gonna start posting on the DS bloggy thing again? you still gettin' roms?
-forks

Dear Mr. Forks,

I am still getting ROMs. I was unaware anyone was reading the thing. Also, I think I painted myself into a corner or something. Who knows.

Yours,

Abbott

okay, well I was reading it and would welcome more.

Dear Abbott

Erica said this:

Maybe I should just get a tattoo of a sloth who is best friends with a hedgehog who can lick his nose (the hedgehog's own not the sloth's) and look very cute while doing so.

and then I suggested you draw it. But she is not so keen on the idea anymore (cuz of hedgehogs may or may not be right little fuckers) but I'm still sold on etching it into my flesh. Could you pls to draw (when you and then if it's still alright with Mrs Spiralli I vow to get err done. thx.

:-)

Dear Mr. Nick,

I would be totes down with this. How cartoony is acceptable?

Yours,

Abbs

Dear Ms. Abbott

As you draw, I shall tattoo.

Kind regards

Nick

This is going to be so amazingly awesome that I'm going to regret saying I don't want it anymore, isn't it?

y. nyah nyah 2 u. <3

hmpf. What are you even doing awake? It's tomorrow where you are!

It's tooootally today. I was partying and then nightbussing (during which I was writing some stuff but got distracted by some very pleasant gay chaps dissecting michael jackson's career and analyzing the various merits thereof).

I took the nightbus exactly once when I was living in London from around Centre Point way to Snarebrook and it took something like THREE HOURS. That was the end of that little experiment for me. It was pretty entertaining though - I was promised that I'd see someone be sick and at least one fight and I saw both!

THREE HOURS? fuuuuuuuuck.

I was once on a nightbus with a guy who took it upon himself to be sick in every seat on the top deck. Every time he puked he moved seats. Pretty vacant top deck by the time the bus arrived in East Dulwich.

omg. Hey - Roberto S. lived in E. Dulwich for a year after I left London but before he moved here!

at least you have nightbuses! the alternatives are expensive cabs and staying over.

^^^ True.

The buses end at 6:30p.m. here, it's ridic. (I was trying to figure out the British equivalent of a.m. and p.m. as I typed this, wtf me.)

daerest abbott,

just what AM i doing with my life??

"regards", h.

Dear Abbott,

Where did you come up with the scratch for this acquisition? Also can I borrow $2 billion, I will hit you back on the fifth.

-Z S

http://i37.tinypic.com/sfjepg.jpg

C'mon, man, don't you know that New Mexico is all rare minerals? She figured out a property/stock swap and owns all our souls now.

She figured out a property/stock swap and owns all our souls now.

I'm strangely ok with that! Better than the mysteriously silent cosmic goo that owned my soul before!

Sorry I should have spoken up more in the past.

would consume all this units of belgian drugs

dear abbott

I might be in las cruces next weekend. what should I do while I am there? also, should we go to juarez for shits and giggles since it's only an hour away?

my old friends (one of 'em a former boss) the Tuftes used to run a record shop in Las Cruces called Atmosphere. Do you know them? They took me to Juarez for shits and giggles and I didn't really like it.

Haha, I actually webmailed her about Sc0tt 'n them a while back, she dun know 'em.

Here's a nice brochure about visiting Juarez:

http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/pa/pa_4491.html

Juarez idea is good only if you need a shitload of cheap prescription drugs. Or a bottle of booze with a dead worm in it.

good to know. perhaps i'll give it a miss. i think the only reason I'd go is to say I went to mexico.

i love new mexico!!

I wish I would have seen when M4ndee revived this! I am so sad I couldn't tell her the things to see in Las Cruces (the brewery, and the new brewery).

I have photographic evidence that you, Abbott, appeared to Joseph Smith along with maybe Maroni (or was it a phony Maroni) and some other angelic-looking being. Joe went kinda nutso after that and I am beginning to suspect you may have been involved.

WTF did you you do to that dude, huh?

Dear Aimless,

It is, in fact, humorously spelled MORONi. Not to be confused with the iMoron.

Yours,

Abbott

Or Morani.

Do you pronounce species as spee-sheez or spee-seez? And do you have a more general take on the two pronunciations, ie, more biologists tend to use one over the other, or maybe it's a regional thing, or...?

Maybe add shpee-seez as one of your pronunciation options, too. I feel like I've heard that one a few times before.

Hi ZS,

I think I say it both ways. The professor I worked with last semester said all kinds of shit in ways I'd never heard it pronounced, ie "meiosis" as "meeeosis," whereas I (and everyone I have ever fucking met) pronounce it "my-osis." Maybe this has warped my pronunciation of things. I think I say it as "spe-sheez" more often (which I pronounce "offen").

Yours from this side of the isogloss,

ABbott

That question's premise was specious.

Dear Abbott,

What makes human beings that have wealth beyond any ancient kings want more?

s

^loaded question I know

Dear Abbott,

My quality of life is so much better now that I've been made aware of Chareth Cutestory's existence, via my query about big turtle eyes. If Mr. Cutestory is is any way huggable, please deliver him a gentle embrace in my name.

~U R

Dear Abbott,

Should I start looking into drugs and shit to combat my semi-regular anxiety? I'm not down with like wellbutrin or anything like that, but beta blockers are starting to sound interesting. Any recommendations?

-Forks

Dear brownie,

I don't know the answer here. Also, I fear that knowing the answer to this would be tantamount to having this mindset, so I can't say I am entirely sad to have been of so little help.

Poorly,

Abbott

i wanna one-up brownie and ask if jesus could microwave a burrito so hot even he could not eat

it

Dear unregistered,

I love Chareth so much! The female of his species can get to be 18" long in the wild. Is that terrifying or what? Sometimes I have an anxiety dream that Chareth has grown to fill up his tank. Anyway, I am glad you like him. Watching him swim is better than TV.

Yours in chelonian solidarity,

Abbott

Dear harbl,

Yes, but you have to bear in mind I come from an anti-trinitarian background, meaning God the Son does not have the same hot-burrito-sustaining properties as God the Father.

Yours,

Abbott

Dear forks,

I'm not a doctor, so if you have a doctor you trust, obviously they would be the one you'd want to talk about this with. Even most any doctor you dislike is better than me when it comes to this kind of thing. At any rate, if you think medication would help you, talk to a pro about trying it. If it doesn't work out, it's not like your damned to it, and if it does work, then that is awesome.

Meds have different effects on different ppl, but the time I was on Wellbutrin, I was a giant crankypants all of the time. It was "hilarious."

Sympathetically,

ABbott

sorry to interrupt Abbott on her thread, but forks: are you still in Jersey City?

yep, sure am.

i'm a little medication shy honestly. I took antidepressants once for like two weeks when i was bottoming out and it helped tremendously! i just don't think it's something you should use like allergy medication, i.e. constantly. but that may say more about my sinuses than anything.

forks: i ask b/c i am looking for therapy options right now myself, and i am medication-shy myself (though i've never been on meds). i'm more inclined to get some sort of old-school talk therapy. will let you know who/what i find.

i guess old-school talk therapy terrifies me more than crazy pills? I had one therapist experience and WHOO BOY it was a doozy. It ended with me leaving her office with her screaming "YOU'RE GONNA FALL APART, YOU'LL SEE!"

therapist needs a therapist imo

yikes that sounds terrible. they're not all like that!

be fair- part of the job is diagnosis

after a month and a half of therapy and a script for antidepressants, I felt much more together. I had just met a girl (same one i'm still with) and gotten a new job so I told her I was gonna stop coming... it was a bit of a cashflow issue as well. She wigged. "You may think you're well, but you haven't even scratched the surface." It was an hour of her telling me how fucked i was. I ran for it as soon as i could.

It was an hour of her telling me how fucked i was.

Inexcusable conduct on her part.

yeah you should turn her in to a medical board or something - that's exploitative and cruel

she was a psockologist

that situation does sound fucked up, forks. maybe not "malpractice," but definitely unethical. obv. you did the right thing to get the hell outta there.

dear abbott(t),

why have you accumulated a third t?

lurve,
m.

Dear mookieproof,

The extra BT is not a bacon & tomato tribute. Abbott is a mod, and mods can't see images, just links to them. It was that "bar bands of the seventies" thread that drove me to this. I could not stand clicking through to all those wacky sideburns...I so dearly missed being able to see everything as it was, self-loading. It's still surprising to me every time an image shows up. "Abbott" is still around for all your moderating needs, if needed.

Yours in blandness,

Abbott (the same pertson)

so are you going to make a mod called abbbbotttt when you get sick of all the damn images? living is progressing.

i didn't even see
the third b

Do you know what it is like to live life a half of a whole?

kind of

http://darkentriesdjd.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/pp-and-marcie.jpg

it would be good for there to be a sandwich with three bacons and three tomatos but no lettuces

the a and o stand for "approximately" and "ond" (meaning and but also on), respectively

no lettuces ond the sandwich?

apparently not because she is abbbottt and not labbbottt (mark pauline to thred)

what do you want to ask mark pauline?

he is expert on things labbbottt related (such as rabot)

fewer bbs and lls, but still...

i was just wondering if you had a question for him that i can pass along?

oh no, nothing in particular. i saw SRL in 86 or so and was v much impressed, especially at the barely controlled outer skirts of the destruction, but have no questions to pass along. only admiration. walking home afterwards i found the streets and sidewalk outside the cordoned area powdered with florescent tube shards, the remains of strays from a pneumatically fired cannon of some sort. the outside inside boundaries not so well patrolled after all. glass dust on parked cars. my pillow smelled of exhaust in the morning.

dear Abbott, do you have a good chicken salad recipe (srsly)

Daer San Te,

if you mean the kind of glop that is put on a "chicken salad sandwich," with the least-wanted scraps of the fowl suspended in a a matrix of mayonnaise, then no. I have my mom's recipe for "Chinese chicken salad," which I like, but is only abstractly Chinese. You may want to ask over at I Love Cooking.

Yours in willingness to share,

Abbott

any good chicken salad recipe should involve at least two of the following:
grapes
paprika
cherry tomato
avocado
bacon
scallions
apple

Dearest Abbott,

Do you know any effective banishing rituals?

Yours most sincerely,
Elmo

Dearest Elmo,

I really value this question! I don't know any, but I did consult a reference book on your behalf. The index of Life Forces: A Contemporary Guide to the Cult and Occult has nothing between Balzac, Honoré de, and Baphomet. Useless! I am sorry that neither it nor I were very helpful. For what it's worth, apparently you shouldn't even be doing them if you are of the Satanist persuasion.

Best of luck in your banishings,

Abbott

Thank you for your research efforts! While I am not a satanist, I find the injunction against banishing interesting.

Dear Abbott,

yay music!

Dear Abbott,
Am I being unreasonable here?
KIDS TODAY WITH THEIR HIPPIN' AND THEIR HOPPIN' AND THEIR CRAZY SHIRTS NOT TUCKED IN
Forks

Dear Abbbottt,

Please come to my BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for 'BYOBB.' (That last extra 'B' is a typo.)

xokjb

p.s. I'm not having a BB(B)Q. This was just a way to say 1. I didn't know mods can't see images (odd!) and 2. you rock harder than Nazareth.

Dear forks,

You should have confiscated that blunt. Just kidding, it would only have lead to further trouble. I think. I know most of my teenage fucking around was preemptively curbed by very angry, very loud adults who functioned as superegos for people too young to have them. Sorry you are now that superego! I don't think you were being unreasonable, though.

Yours,

Abbott

Dear KJB,

:D
Think I'm gonna do some grillin' tonight, thanks to youB (the B is for "extra B"). Though it will probably just be grillin' some corns on the cob. Or corn on the cobs. Some corn, at any rate. You kick ass.

Fondly,

Abbott

that actually makes me feel a bit better; part of my angst is "OMG I am shouty get-off-my-lawn guy how did this happen"

It helped that this one particular guy was always eating cottage cheese, and if he came out and yelled at us, it meant I had to look at his gross cottage cheese teeth & tongue.

will remember to chug dairy products before doing this again in the future

why hello there, abbott,

this was posted on a couple other boards but i feel any mormon specific lolz should be brought directly to you attention. http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=127185813 i hope you have a fine day,

from arby's

Dear arby's,

I believe this person's bishop would say this is "not very uplifting," esp. since all I can picture is him jerking it harder w/every click of the 'erase layer' tool. Also: looollllllll.

Thankfully,

Abbott

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i191/fluxion23/abbott_hotel.jpg

http://www.listphile.com/Fortune_500_Logos/Abbott_Laboratories/image/102_abbott.jpg

dear abbott

http://www.texasescapes.com/CentralTexasTownsNorth/AbbottTexas/AbbottTxGroceryStore0707BG.jpg

There exists of me somewhere a photo in front of this place, but I don't have it.

http://img543.imageshack.us/img543/4796/abfo.jpg

well you ARE a person with much variety ...

The back part of the store says ABBOTT'S BEN FRANKLIN
like I own the dude

ABBOTT IS BEN FRANKLIN

Nah, not jowly enough.

I'll try harder guys ;_;

it's all about the Abbotts

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9d/Diablefaucheur.jpg/445px-Diablefaucheur.jpg

I can't find an appropriate thread for this so I'll put this here. It's a "Mowing-Devil" from 1678. "The pamphlet tells of a farmer who, refusing to pay the price demanded by a labourer to mow his field, swore that he would rather that the Devil mowed it instead. According to the pamphlet, that night his field appeared to be in flame. The next morning, the field was found to be perfectly mowed - unnaturally perfect, in fact." (c/o Wikipedia)

This is very, very funny to me.

Perhaps he shovld mow thee moffe growing vpon the skull of a man

BTW, that is amazingly funny.

begs the question really: daerest abbbottt, would you dare summon a mowing-devil??

hew'd as if it had been all of a Flame, but next Morning
appear'd fo neatly Mow'd by the Devil, or foe Infernal Spi
rite, that Mortal Man was able to fo the like

The devil is all like "Heh, heh, then I WILL mow your field...and do a really nice job."

Dearest haitch,

I don't know if I could handle a lawn Mow'd after such a fashion as to be unnaturally perfect. But I would love to see a Mowing-Devil.

Love,

Occcultttbbbottt

http://www.choiceful.com/prod_image/64794_x.jpg

(Also: be careful with GISs of "Power Devil")

I love how goofy he looks. I think he would look like this if seen from the front:

http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/8149/mowingdevil.jpg

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/images/uploads/11-14-flymo.jpg

^^ surely mower of choice for the mowing-devil - it hovers, through use of the black arts

http://i240.photobucket.com/albums/ff210/AccipiterF1/Venture%20Bros/venture_orpheus01.jpg

Daerest Abbott: just now I helped a student who was from Moscow, Idaho, and as you are an expert on things from Idaho I must ask if you can describe what the place is like. (Perhaps also prompted by the Yakov thread.)

in moscow idaho, potato eats oh god i cant even

Dear Ned,

The key thing to know about Moscow, ID, is it's pronounced "moss coh," not "moss cow" like Moscow, Russia. That's how to sound like an Idaho insider. It's up in the panhandle. I never visited the city itself, but the Viceroy lived there his freshman year of college – I'll get him on thread to discuss it later tonight!

Esto Perpetually,
Abbott

I think Moscow, Russia should also be pronounced Moss coh (in English, at least..in Russian it's a bit different, I think, like Mosk-va?)

was gonna say moscow as in a bovine fungal problem isn't how i'd say it, but no guarantees that i'm right on that

For the record, I would rather the devil rake my leaves than have to do it myself. DEVIL??

moffe growing vpon the skull of a cowe

I forgot all about Mowing Devil until I opened this thread. He is the best!

Dddearrr Abbbottt, how many b's and t's do you think you're going to addd to your username before it is perfect?

StanMMM

Dear Abbott, are you still in library school? How's it going?

Nick

Dear n/a,

I am still in it – the semester ends in two weeks or so. I am totally shocked how easy it is. Maybe it's just U of A's program? Anyway, my husband and I are both in the program and I am going to quit after this semester. I think the chances of both of us landing a library job in the same town are near impossible, and he's more into the end goal than I am. I'm applying for another grad program to get a Masters of Education, to teach. If I don't get in, I might go back and finish the MLS.

Web 2.0ly,

Abbott

Dear StanM,

Already I feel one could easily say "cant go with u too many bbbs" so this is the max.

bbtbtbtbbbbbbttttbbo

could inhibit your becoming the teacher that trains kids for the spelling bee, is my reservation on that

That's interesting. I wouldn't say the program at Illinois was "easy," but on the other hand I never got a grade below an A-. I feel like I had to put in a fair amount of work to get those grades though. So not really hard, just work-intensive. But I think Illinois and UNC tied for the top-ranked MLS programs in the country, don't know how good U of A's program is supposed to be.

I put in about 3 hours a week total between both my classes, getting As.

Here's a diagram I made for some lesson about relational databases

http://img703.imageshack.us/img703/1689/erdiagram.jpg

Ned,

Moscow, Idaho is a small town with a large college population, as the only things of note there is a big train depot that handles a lot of the cargo coming from Portland/Seattle/etc, and the University of Idaho. the U of I is a large, sprawling campus that is a real pain in the ass to get around on because they built it all on a bunch of different hills, some very steep! It is quite beautiful in the autumn, but the winters are fairly extreme and last too long.

Things to do in Moscow include watching indie bands that are on tour in the Northwest, going to college house parties, and buying some pretty good pot. Watch out though, because one time I got pot from non-hippies and it was totally laced with PCP! That was not a fun weekend...

KUOI, the college radio station, is a great free-form station that is generally run by audiophiles, complete music obsessios, and hipsters.

There is also a really nice farmer's market every Saturday downtown where you can buy shit like buffalo steaks, giant ears of corn, and of course, organic Idaho potatoes.

If you happen to be around there I recommend a visit, since it is a really beautiful part of the country IMO. But, coming from someone who lived there, it is not a fun place to live. In fact you could probably skip it and just go to McCall, which is just as beautiful but also has more stuff going on.

Yours Truly,
Mr. Abbott, aka Viceroy

it was totally laced with PCP!

whoa, wait, does this actually happen? Because once in high school, we smoked some weed and were told later that night that it was possibly laced with PCP, and at the time we all believed it. I mean, it was like what terrified 1963 parents who have never done any drugs probably thought pot was like - REALLY seeing things, blue hallucinations, weird. Later on, in retrospect, I told myself that there was no way it could have been laced, because who the hell would waste extra drugs on a bag of dirtweed for a bunch of kids?

re: MLS program, K is a MLS grad and frequently tells me that it was mind-numbingly easy. which of course tells me that if i hang up this whole dumb indie business owner thing im going full throttle library school.

so what you're trying to say is, I'm STUPID

and my career choice is just a FALL-BACK JOB for YOU

YES!

wait no

tbh it was kinda shocking to me but K was a hardcore lit major at l3w1s and cl4rk which i hear is a bit of a bonecrusher so her perspective might be a bit skewed

Dear Abbott,

Everything I've read of yours suggests that you've got the razor sharp mind + steely determination that marks out the really damn good teachers. But what do you think would be the hardest thing about teaching?

Admiringly,

ljubljana

Hey ljub,

I am mega flattered by your question. I think the hardest thing would be noticing which kids are subtly falling through the cracks and making sure to really help them out. If someone's just kind of quietly unremarkable, how do you notice and help turn that around?

I also think the following would be hard, because I have a hard time with it in day to day life as I think many people do: really working at not having preconceived notions of a person.

Adverbly,

Abbott

xp to zs - i got dosed with laced weed in college and spent my evening visiting narnia and talking with a singing showerhead so if those sensations kicked in i would say you got extra bang for your buck for some reason. maybe your dealer mixed up the baggies?

Dear Abbott,

How can i get my wife to initiate the sex more often?

xp: oh, i can see that. like he had a diversified client base or something.

Dear Chris,

Do her least favorite chores and errands for her. Then when she's like, "Man, I love how you do all this shit I really hate without asking," be like, "I love when you initiate sex, baby." And then when she initiates sex, do all her favorite sex stuff, and then when it's over emphasize that it was really hot and sexy and <3 sexing because she initiated sex. Also definitely don't bring it up in a fight: "ANd, and – and – why don't you ever initiate sex? it's always me doing it!" (TBH I am #1 guilty of pulling this move)

Alternate answer:

http://neurology.ucsf.edu/msc/images/exercises/shoulder_shrug.jpg
*shrug*

Gender essentially,

Abbott

Dear Abbott,

I just wanted to let you know that "Stop Non-Erotic Cabaret" proves you have wit comin' out of your damn ears and I'm mad I didn't think of it first. Also, I want to watch musicals with you.

xokjb

Hey KJB,

I was just thinking about how it would be fun to watch musicals with you last night at a local video store that an an impressively large selection of musicals. They were all on VHS! I decided that 2011's new year's resolution will be to watch more musicals.

<3 Abbott

Dear Abbott,

What can I do to be as awesome and cool as you? I try very hard but never seem to approach Abbott levels of pure genius and greatness. Is it something that takes practice or were you just born this cool? Please let me know, I am a coolaholic and need to find ways to increase my cool intake. Thank you!

-- Tangled-up in Tucson

Dear the Viceroy,

You are as cool as they come, dude! You already do all the chores and are the best hangout pal, I don't know what you could do to be cooler.

Disgustingly,

Abbott

Would it make him a tiny bit cooler if he were to purchase a complete collection of tuning forks?

me me me me meeeee

Dear Abbott-

Below are the odds I will be in the downtown Tucson area drinking alcoholic beverages on nights this weekend:

Thursday night - 25% chance
Friday night - 75% chance
Saturday night - 100% chance

(nb I will be wearing a white tuxedo jacket on Saturday night)

Please reply with the odds that you will be doing the same on the corresponding days.

I know you asked abbbbbottttt, but I want to post my own probabilities of drinking in the Tucson area this weekend:

Thursday night - 0% chance
Friday night - 2% chance
Saturday night - 0% chance

Just wanted to add an element of suspense to yr Friday night

http://uanews.org/node/6357

hahaha

Ohhh boy Gr8080,

For some reason I thought you were coming into town Nov. 4 and wondewred what happened there. Mystery solved. My odds of being able to do a thing on those nights correlate really well to your odds. OTOH I have approx $0.00 right now. If you wanted to come over and play a round of Jeopardy! on the PS2 I would be down, but I don't have money for spirits right now.

Dengue it all!

Abbott

grady's buyin

I just saw some people today have a 20 minute fight over who was going to buy the other a soda. It qualified as "fucking insane display of stubbornness" imo.

Thought that said sofa

grady's buyin
--BIG MUFFIN (gbx)

OTM I will get a few rounds if you wanna come out. I'm gonna be broing down though so will have to decline your PS2 invite.

what if we set up a paypal account so ILXors could purchase drinks for ppl attending faps they can't attend? I think this could be a fun tradition.

Gr80, that is the best idea ever.

Abbott-

need yr input here:

Can't make a FAP? Buy a drink anyway.

o i wish i was in tucson
hooray
hooray

Once went to a shady bar in Tucson with a bunch of regulars who really didn't seem to appreciate our enthusiastic, youthful presence. There was a movie theater popcorn machine in the corner with a note on it saying DO NOT TOUCH.

The chirpy guy I was visiting pointed it out and whispered surreptitiously to me, "I've been in here before where it's been an issue, that machine… you really don't want to touch that."

dear Abbott,

recently I saw a Mormon missionary with the term 'elder creamer' on his badge. what is an elder creamer?

Dear dayo,

"Elder Creamer" is a phrase guaranteed to induce laughter in yours truly. Oh holy shit. I winder if poor Elder Dreamer knew about "Orgasmo." Anyway, missionary name tags just say their title (invariably "Elder," a great title for a 19-year-old – what it indicates is they have the highest ranking priesthood level, the Melchezidek priesthood) and their last name. Here, that's Creamer. I hope his mission partner is Elder Cumlord.

Fishers on manly,

Abbott

<3 thank you abbott!!

I had thought it was some kind of universal mormon rank that one would reach, you know like how the KKK has grand wizard or whatever. I imagined there being a whole bunch of elder creamers in Utah, maybe a lodge, maybe they get together on the weekends and play petanque.

"petanque," huh, is that what we're calling it these days

need to put some balls near some other balls iirc

Haha, Elder is a sort of rank, that you sort of get by default from turning 18, if you're a boy, or that you never ever get if you're a woman. Bocce ball does seem to be surprisingly popular among Mormons, I am impressed by your (accidentally?) keen observation there.

iirc on a Hong Kong mission they might not be allowed to actually teach the gospel, just to like help people out and do amateur TESOL, actually!

trying to make TSOL joke, too hungover

Hmm I think I'm wrong about that, actually.
My friend went on a mission in Taipei, Taiwan, and he said one of the few places they were allowed to proselytize was at 7-11s, so he spent most of his mission hanging out in 7-11.

Dear Abbott:

I have anosmia that resulted from head trauma. I've had it for less than a year. It sucks. Do you ever wonder which is worse, congenital anosmia or getting it later in life? What are your thoughts on these matters? Are there things that you are surprised to learn have a smell?

I get phantom smells, many of which are unpleasant. Do you?

Yours in scentlessness,

Jesse

Dear Abbott:

Please to go to the XTC thread sometime and write up your top ten songs (annotated would be nice)

kthx MN

Dear Jesse,

I have wondered if congenital anosmia would be worse or better than your situation. I have no idea what I'm missing out on. When I tell people, most tend to say that missing a sense of smell is probably overall a good thing, as most smells are bad.

I think if I had lost it later in life, I would be less insecure about some smell-related certain things, like whether I stank, or whether food has expired. Currently, both of these things worry me form time to time. Had I been able to smell myself previously, I would know that I get overripe at two days, por ejemplo. I am without that knowledge now.

I don't get phantom smells. Sometimes what I do get is a cloying sensation in my throat when I walk into a room that was recently full of freshly sprayed perfume or hair spray. This mainly happened when I lived with my sister. I don't know if that's smelling or not?

The main thing I am curious about in your case, Jesse, is your sense of taste. Did you find the loss of smell impacted it in any way? Once again, here is an area where I have no before & after. I think my sense of taste is as competent as anyone else's, w/the personal hypothesis that bcz I could never smell, the two senses never got interdependent like I guess they do in the "smelling able" (not sure what term to use here). What is it like for you?

Do you miss your sense of smell at all? Is it, like so many suggest to me, more shitty than good overall?

Yours also in scentlessness,

Abbott

Dear MaresNest,

I will think about that...I feel like there was a poll of an XTC singles album where I did annotate my thoughts on those partic #s, but I can't find it. What the hell, me. It's times like this, when I fail at basic research, I feel like I shouldn't be in library school. (The other times being when I am in library school classes. Ha!)

Sgt. Rock is going to helply,

Abbott

here we go XTC singles compilation: Fossil Fuels

Dearest Anosmiabbott:

I MISS MY SENSE OF SMELL ALL THE TIME. I think that those who tell you that it's overall a good thing are trying to say something nice. There are many bad smells, true, but smelling them can be very useful. As a way of knowing if you stepped in dog shit, for example. Or knowing if the cat did in fact pee on your gym bag.

My sense of taste was cut way, way back. I've read a lot about anosmia and learned that most of what we "taste" is a result of synesthesia. Your brain reads the smells (coming in your nostrils and from your throat) as occurring on your tongue. Now, I can taste the four tongue tastes (sweet, salty, sour, bitter), hot (spicy), and maybe umami (I can slightly taste butter and some cheeses) and pretty much nothing else. Fortunately, my memory has sort of kicked in and made me feel like I'm tasting things. Unfortunately, this does not allow me to know what brand new flavors are like.

Abbott, I strongly doubt that your sense of taste is as competent as anyone else's. Not trying to tell you what you're sensing, but the tongue has no way of distinguishing the differences between the thousands of subtleties of "taste" that the olfactory nerves are responsible for sensing.

One very strange surprise was that I can "smell" cat piss in very strong doses (greater than the quantity that would be on my gym bag). If I don't clean the litter box before work, when I do at night, I smell a weird minty "smell." It is exactly like a smell, but it cannot be, because the nerves are not there.

About your anosmia: 1. How did you or your parents discover it? 2. Have you ever had to get it treated? 3. My previous question: are there things you are really surprised to find out have a smell?

Your Scentless Apprentice,

Jesse

(re my memory compensating for no-smellia: when I'm eating familiar foods, I no longer notice the immense reduction in flavors, however, one time, a friend started quizzing me about the Mexican food I was eating. He asked "so what does that mole taste like? what does steak taste like?" and it was like Wiley Coyote suddenly realizing that there was no ground beneath him after he ran off the edge of the cliff: when I tried to analyze the tastes, I became aware that I was tasting almost nothing.)

Dearest Jesse,

Thanks for the thoughtful straight talk! I doubted it was really better not to have one, though I sometimes joke that I am evolutionarily superior. I feel like it has fucked with my head in minor and subtle ways. Like I feel like maybe I'm an atheist because I am "missing" this other component of being human, having a "sense" of spirituality. That's just me being a depressio, though.

Interesting thoughts on the taste front. I am a capable cook whose food people like, even the stuff I freestyle, not just from recipe. This makes me think I have a basic grasp of taste. You do make me think I am missing nuances, which is something I never wanted to consider. I will try not to get too emo about this! Maybe this is a good excuse for saving some money and buying $3 wine, though.

It is pretty interesting because something like durian, which is really smell based, I guess, it still kinda stanky but totally manageable. I always wondered – people always seem to smell popcorn with a ready potency, but it tastes almost like nothing. How does smell factor into its flavor?

What do you mean your sense of taste was cut way, way back?

About its discovery: I was a smart kid but also developmentally slow in a number of ways, mostly physical. I had some special extra classes after kindergarten and first grade, working with physical therapists. For this reason, I figured I was also behind at smelling. Like I remember learning about the five senses in kindergarten and thinking "there's another thing I'm behind on, too," because other little girls would spray on Jean Naté or whatevs and I didn't get it. But eventually I realized it's not a learned skill and it was just never going to happen.

Meanwhile, my parents thought I was making it up for years, just living a very long, expertly sustained lie to "get attention." When I was ten, my mom and dad and siblings went into town, and let me chill at home. My mom had left some cookies in the oven and forgotten about them. By the time she got home, the cookies were little black carbon UFOs and the house was full of smoke. They got really mad at me for not noticing, but it finally convinced them I couldn't smell. Stupid assholes.

They took me to get an MRI when I was in high school, and the guy reading it said my brain checked out OK. This doctor did not seem particularly expert in the subject. He didn't know the word "anosmia," even. I learned that word from an episode of "Jeopardy!". Anyway, that's the closest it's ever been to being "treated" in any way. I don't think there's hope for people like me. Have you attempted any treatments?

Final question: There are LOTS of things I am surprised to find out have a smell. I mentioned popcorn. Citrus peels. Rain having a smell is bizarre to me. I always thought sex should emit some kind of crazy potent odor, but I guess it doesn't. Menses, too. (How do you even ask about that? You basically can't, not politely anyway.) When I was a kid, I thought maybe lying made you stink, so I was afraid to do it.

I always thought if I did have to lose a sense, smell would be the one to pick. I guess I'm biased. DO you agree? I mean I'd much rather have this than blindness or deafness.

TLDRly,

Abbott

I always thought sex should emit some kind of crazy potent odor, but I guess it doesn't.

yes it does!

(I wish I had started a thread about this, but oh well...)

Yeh, I guess smell is the sense to lose. I would much rather have this than no sight or hearing. Or feeling.

Maybe this is a good excuse for saving some money and buying $3 wine, though.

Yes! I still feel weird when I go to a place with a fantastic beer selection and I order crap. A few times I ordered with a big, defensive disclaimer "I actually do like good beer, but I have a condition, please don't judge me, etc."

I always wondered – people always seem to smell popcorn with a ready potency, but it tastes almost like nothing. How does smell factor into its flavor?

Definitely. I never was a fan of popcorn, but now even less so.

What do you mean your sense of taste was cut way, way back?

I mean that millions of flavors that resulted from my olfactory nerves telling my brain that I was tasting what they were smelling (e.g., garlic, anything smoked, all sorts of subtleties of wine, mushrooms) are simply gone. Now garlic tastes slightly hot on my tongue, bacon tastes like salt, mushrooms don't taste like anything. The best analogy I've thought of is that it is like the difference between closing your eyes and being touched on bare skin as opposed to being touched through canvas. Through canvas you will still feel that you are being touched, but you won't be able to detect by what, the degree of pressure, etc.

Or maybe like stuffing your ears with ear plugs and listening to music?

Have you attempted any treatments?

I went to a ear-nose-throat (ENT) doc who referred me to a specialist who he said is the leading smell-ologist in the whole country (he ONLY deals in smelling - perfumers and sommeliers are some of his clients). I haven't gone yet, mostly b/c if he tells me that there is no hope, then I truly no longer have even hope for getting my sense of smell back. (I think one of his treatments is electro-stim!)

I always thought sex should emit some kind of crazy potent odor
When I was a kid, I thought maybe lying made you stink

Weird! Like, you thought that sex organs became fragrant?

The one thing that consistently makes me emotionally upset is the thought that I will never smell another man. In relationships and sex, smell was always a really key thing for me. I was so happy when I would put on a shirt that my boyfriend wore and smell his body and/or aftershave on it. I loved smelling him on me after we had sex (the crotch does have smells, often very nice ones, often not). Smelling a boyfriend or lover or whatever was really primal way of feeling connected. ;_;

Weird re lying, not sex. I just wanted clarification on the sex thing.

pfft. not really... I mean, it produces the smell of sweat. If we were to go by scent alone then Working Out = Sexual Intercourse.
-- xp 'bout sex smell

Sex could sort of said to result in smell. The act doesn't produce scent, but if you ever smell your hands after having sex, it's a unique smell.

Jesse, if you don't mind me asking, how did you lose your sense of smell? Trauma?

If we were to go by scent alone then Working Out = Sexual Intercourse.

working out + crotch smells

yeah its like a combination of the scents you and your partner naturally have I guess, plus the addition of each other's sweat. Its really nice, and I can def. understand being sad about losing that sensation. I just wanted to make it clear that the act of sex doesn't produce some kind magnificent fragrance common to all.

Come on guys, they even wrote a song about this. And candy.

gbx - yes, head trauma.

I fell on my head, hitting the sidewalk (? I think) about 2 inches behind and above my right ear. I got a concussion and skull fracture.

The ENT told me that when my brain bounced around, it caused the nerves that go from the olfactory bulb into the nose (through bone) to shear off. This is apparently not uncommon in head injuries such as occur in car crashes or fist fights.

yeah its like a combination of the scents you and your partner naturally have I guess, plus the addition of each other's sweat.

+ the smell of ~other stuff~

yeah dudes, sex smell is a thing