Semi-Homemade With Sandra Lee?

everyday dinners in a clash?

dash :-))

I think she's terrifying and her food is awful.

Her website and assorted new vehicles for her seem to have gotten a style update, I recall the place-settings, decorations, and scenery in her show as being really "safe" and provincial, and I don't mean in a Martha Stewart-y "glorifying hearth and home" way, but in actual poor, amateurish taste.

yes that's like her schtick =P

http://www.foodcity.com/photoLib/90360SaraLee-simplesweet.jpg

So, no relation to Sara Lee them?

Plus I mean seriously, not chopping your own garlic? It takes like 45 seconds to peel and chop a clove, and it's healthier than canned. Buying pre-sliced "fresh" mushrooms that had to be handled by a whole other set of people and repackaged in plastic and trucked to several different locations on the way? It's not a real time savings and it's wasteful in like three other ways. Get a better gimmick.

this woman is the worst.

she bought frozen chopped onions for her thanksgiving meal last night

well, i did just watch a clip where she goes (maybe every time at end of show) "remember! Keep it simple, and keep it sweet!" so there's some connection to sara lee!

if i was going to use fully-prepared food products in my depressing white-trash cooking, i'd go whole-hog double-wide style and take my tips from jolene sugarbaker.

the phrase "NOTHING MADE FROM SCRATCH" used as a point of pride depresses me. it really, really does.

lol i love that that's her selling point

i mean you know there are women who follow her recipes

i'm sure there are tons! she's very popular, isn't she?

she was on celebrity wheel of fortune last week

"With her trademark 70/30 philosophy, which combines 70% ready-made products with 30% fresh and creative touches – Sandra has become the advocate for the over-extended homemaker."

i don't like this lady much

This show coming on after the Barefoot Contessa = biggest immediate disappointment ever

the most enjoying things to me about cooking is the use and procurement of the fresh ingredients.

is this the lady whose kitchen is a different color every time?

yes

ugh

biggest embarassment on Food Network...but find the kitchen/outfit coordination hilarious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gheUm3NxGfg

The concept of this sounds like a worse version of Nigella Express, which is mostly pretty good, except for the whole "oh, isn't chopping onions such a chore when you're a busy busy person" thing. The difference is that Nigella does do a lot of things from scratch, they're just piss-easy things.

haha...i remember that Thanksgiving episode. It was awesome because right before the show, Alton Brown's show was on, and he warned against, like, everything Sandra Lee did to that turkey.

the "tablescapes" are a HOOT -- she has these little figurines she'll like attach to her ceramics

this woman lacks class period. and she's clearly an alcoholic...probably knows how to party hard though. plus those tits have got to be fake.

bourdain on Sandra Lee (and other food networkers...)

http://blog.ruhlman.com/ruhlmancom/2007/02/guest_blogging_.html

haha

SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

does every dessert she makes involve a store-bought angelfood cake? wow.

Kwanzaa Celebration Cake
1 (10 to 12-ounce) purchased angel food cake
1 container (16 ounce) vanilla frosting
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 (21-ounce) container apple filling or topping
1 (1.7-ounce) package corn nuts
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted
1/2 cup popped popcorn

Special Equipment:
Kwanzaa candles

Using a serrated knife, cut cake horizontally into 2 layers. Place bottom cake layer, cut side up, on a serving platter. Mix frosting, cocoa powder, vanilla, and cinnamon in large bowl until combined. Spread about 1/4 of the frosting over top of cake layer on platter. Top with second cake layer, cut side down. Spread remaining frosting evenly over top and sides of cake to coat completely. Spoon apple pie filling into hole in center of cake. Place candles atop cake. Sprinkle top of cake with some corn nuts, pumpkin seeds, and popcorn. Sprinkle remaining corn nuts and pumpkin seeds around base of cake.

whoa

i think bourdain is right - she's actually trying to kill people!

bourdain is a gangster

so gross so gross so gross so....eugh

but easy!

by the time all is said and done with this recipe, you might as well have made a cake from a boxed mix with plain homemade frosting.

two store-bought cakes + store-bought cupcakes + store-bought cookies! pile them on top of each other! voila! look what I made! ZOMG wonderful dessert creation!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36F3odiPRbU

oh no i'm afraid to watch

hahaha - one of the related videos is "puke eating."

It's not cooking, and the end result isn't food. Her approach may cater to people who are intimidated by the idea of cooking, but it doesn't actually give them a safe entry to the world of cooking, nor any of even the most basic of skills to fall back on later -- basically it's no help at all. It seeks out a fear and then feeds it (feeds it HFCS!) until it's so bloated and dulled that the holder doesn't remember there was ever an alternative.

she says "I made this dessert once blah blah" but BUT BITCH YOU AIN'T MADE SHIT

OH MY GOD That CAKE

that cake seems so desperately ... last-hopish... like sandra lee is gonna commit suicide if anybody dares to dislike it

she's worse than rachel ray. i did not think this was possible.

elmo:

On the beach in Rhode Island

"it is so refreshing you will think it is totally fabulous"

"and now to this i'm going to put the lid on"

it's like she's speaking retard

i really acn't believe that cake happens. i mean she didn't even unwrap the cupcakes! and it's just like EIGHT CAKES And cookies stacked!

i love her mario batali story

I was doing semi-homemade before she made it popular.

Not sure if I'm boasting....

In fact, for TG tomorrow at Jenny's house I'm doing the following:

-Jiffy white cake mix
-Apple pie filling
-1 Stick butter
-Brown sugar

Combine first 3 ingreadients in layers in a loaf pan, top w/ brown sugar, bake.

Eat the hell out of it w/ ice cream and marvel at the deliciousness.

Also, making shrimp ceviche by doing the following:

-buy fresh raw shrimp
-buy premade pico de gallo
-juice fresh limes
-COMBINE.

iAye aye aye, que delicioso!

:-)

More like semi-HO-made amirite

can i get an amen

and to think, i had never heard of this woman before today.

hey, you know what makes a great tablescape?? A GODDAMN HOMEMADE MEAL.

haha. she's complete youtube entertainment tho

anyway, Jesse, people have been doing "semi-homemade" since they started putting recipes on salad dressing bottles and soup cans, but there's no good reason in my mind to televise that sort of cooking.

I think her show is pretty worthless, but I'm not about to give anybody a hard time for buying pre-sliced vegetables. When I was in law school, if it weren't for shit that was already washed, chopped, and bagged, I probably would have just eaten Trader Joe's frozen gnocchi every night. I still buy garlic in a jar.

Wait, maybe I should post this here:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v642/shakespeares_sister/meatincans.png

The Canned Meat Show! Starring Sandra Lee!

oh wow, this sounds depressing. if the food you see on a cooking show isn't worth fantasizing over, why even bother watching it if you are capable of reading the back of a package that'll tell you exactly what to do with your prepackaged food?

i do think that pre-chopped garlic is okay, though. it doesn't actually taste worse than freshly chopped garlic, and i just hate chopping it, i can never get the pieces as small as i'd like efficiently. (i'm not totally inept with vegetables - i am really fast with onions! - garlic just is beyond me.)

is it gauche to use a garlic press?

no, just inefficient and kind of hard to clean

why even bother watching it if you are capable of reading the back of a package that'll tell you exactly what to do with your prepackaged food?

According to the YouTube commenters, cleavage.

Anthony Bourdain scoffs at a garlic press, saying "I don't know what it is that comes out of a garlic press, but it's not *garlic*."

I don't find the task of peeling and chopping garlic easy or tolerable--most of the heads I run into have little tiny cloves. If they were larger, maybe. Plus your hands reek afterward.

Also, dammit Jenny, you were supposed to be at work and off ILX, and not here to read of my semi-homemade plans!! Grr...

Oh and Sir Elmo- I like these kinds of shows b/c I can relate to them. Very different from a more "real" cooking show, in that I am likely to take some of her hints. It fits into my craving for life hacks.

Smoosh up the garlic w/the side of yr knife first. SMOOSHING IS FUN, crnuch crunch MEIN GARLIC IST TOT.

Do not eat w hole clove of garlic; your moth will quietly mourn for minutes or longer.

Jesse, you dingaling, you told me all your dinner plans on the phone before I opened this thread!

eating raw garlic is good for you, and bracing good fun!

Giada is way hotter.

I have one of these so you should squeeze your stupid limes at my house:

http://www.cooking.com/images/products/shprodde/187039.jpg

Jesse should, I mean. I don't want a bunch of internet strangers and their mournful moths lining up outside our apartment waiting for their turn at my citrus squeezer.

That's what I planned to do.

Hey, I'm gonna call you.

Answer your phone.

That's what I planned to do.

What I didn't tell you is that I planned to do it semi-homemade.

mortar and pessel (spl?) for garlic

I do smush garlic with my knife, but with the stupid tiny cloves it is for naught.

Anyway, I think I'm doing enough by cooking AT ALL, considering the fact that I went for more than a year without any heating appliance in my kitchen besides a microwave.

the episode where she made pumpkin cheesecake petit fours by buying a grocery store pumpkin pie and a grocery store cheesecake and mixing their innards together was one of the greatest tv viewing experiences of my life

SMOOSH

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

fucking amazing, i wish i had seen it

The blending two things and pouring it into molds idea shows some promise.

You can neutralize the garlic odor with stainless steel, Jesse. Take a butter knife or something you can grab in your hands and rub your hands on it under running water.

The problem with "life hacks" is that they're a business now, and as such a lot of them are all marketing and no real good. To desire a shortcut that "puts one over" on the rest of world more than you value actual substance...kind of sucks. Some shortcuts are useful some of the time -- but any show that has to go on the air no matter what is going to be padded with all kinds of bullshit, esp when the key element to the show is some kind of "innovation" or trick.

all these youtube clips are uproariously funny. her tablescapes are FUCKING HILARIOUS

i dunno if someone already posted this but someone needs to look at this tablescape

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jaRjhVYkxw

Oh. My.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I do not like this woman at all, really.

Paula, on the other hand, singlehandedly convinced me to go out, buy ingredients for, and bake her marvelous chocolate bread pudding (I don't--well, didn't--even LIKE bread pudding). Paula could make me do anything.

Sandra Lee can suck my left one.

She's so goddamned American Beauty, am i rite?????

OMG!! Bourdouchebag on Paula:

"A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film."
how hilariously exaggerative and hyperbolic and grumpy and smug; this guy's great. He goes on to compare her food to the last scene of Pink Flamingoes.

Hahaha.

That tablescape was something special.

And she's serving her guests fucking Hypnotiq!

WHY DOES SHE KEEP SAYING TABLESCAPE.

"Aquwereium"

I had a date w/ a guy last night who gave me his recipe for ceviche:

shrimp
lime juice
pre-made pico de gallo

!

As far as my ceviche, I got distracted from my goal and bought all the ingredients instead of buying the pre-made pico. Bah.

haha. Stevie D, of course Sandra Lee brings you out -- HI!!

she keeps saying tablescape cuz tablescapes ARE HER LIFE

omg the sea horses put me over the edge

Her hour-long Christmas special is on right now! I think a sweater that leaves that much skin exposed kinda defeats the point of wearing a sweater.

The amount of time this demon puts into trying to pass off store-bought cookies as her own is so counterproductive. But I can't stop watching!

By her standards that's pretty demure.

http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k155/foodnetaddict/sandraboobs2-1.gif

True. She looks like an extra on "Hee Haw" there.

I am not so convinced this is a bad show, although I am convinced that ILXors are not the right audience for this show.

The right audience for this show is people who don't have enough time to actually cook. But she devotes tons of time to her special brand of non-cooking. The time commitment negates whatever function this show might've served.

Therefore, this is a bad show.

It's not a truly evil idea for a show at all but there is no audience for like the corn-nuts/apple pie filling/chocolate kwanzaa cake that doesnt involve lolz. I can't think of a time when she's made something where the process is not something crazy AND the dish sounds appetizing, having said that I hope she's on forever

she provides me so much entertainment, sometimes it hurts

this show is so fucking funny

I don't know who the audience is for this.

The setup and clothes and host and everything say "upper-middle class woman" - but would they be at all interested in the cheesy lower-middle class, one step from microwave dinner food?

a lot of upper middle class women eat shitty microwave dinner food too

they just buy it at trader joe's

but you can't buy a tablescape at trader joe's. OR ANYWHERE.

<3 u sandra lee

Why didn't she let any of her family members have any lines of dialogue in her holiday special?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awCHJSfZWd8

is that kid's name really 'brycer' ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHwnBfBcK20&feature=related

oh man so freaky.

I don't know who the audience is for this.

uh judging by youtube comments she's the new victoria's secret catalog for 12-year-olds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jaRjhVYkxw

FF to 1:50

Results 1 - 9 of 9 for "sandra lee" "likes to party"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gheUm3NxGfg

kind of a videodrome vibe

http://youtube.com/watch?v=onnYWjXooTk

Her idea of "one part" vodka is different from mine.

TexarkanaBraveheart (4 months ago) +6
(Spam)
ID LIKE to sample her clam:)

+7

this bitch cracks me up though. that stacked on cake has to be a joke, btw. there is no way she honestly thinks that is a "good idea".

like "shit i'm the new queen of food network..what can't i get away with on this show where i don't make anything...? what if i just stack cakes on top of each other...? no one will buy that right?"

so much phallic imagery when she is rolling up that towel in the clambake ep. not to mention that the zoom in on her tit as they show the rolled up towel.

http://i1.tinypic.com/8b8gl5s.png

i hope this isn't NSFW but something this ridiculous needed to be captured.

i still can't get over that cake.

lol "one part vodka"

We flipped past her last night, and she was covering Nutter Butter cookies in white chocolate and tying licorice around them to make "snowman cookies."

My fiance' had to be restrained.

This is like the super budget TV version of "serving suggestion" photos on the side of cans of the stuff in the can on a plate.

The "food" is just an excuse for the "tablescapes."

The time commitment negates whatever function this show might've served.

exactly. plus, "cooking" with premade ingredients isn't cheap. with her desserts, especially, you'll spend more time and more money to produce terrible versions of things that can be done cheaply and still fairly quickly from scratch.

She is not one single particle "upper middle class", I swear to god what are you using for eyes? She's too trashy to be even MIDDLE middle class, even more b/c her schtick is transparently aspirational.

that ain't a middle-class kitchen

That white kitchen with the scalloped shelf decorations? It sure as fuck is, if you live in prairie country somewhere.

Oh look, in the video I'm watching she just said she's from Wisconsin, just as I was about to post about her accent! And it's not even my birthday yet!

I like Food Network a bit, yet this is the first I've heard of this show. I'll take this opportunity to say it looks like it sucks and I'll never watch it.

no no, you really must watch it, if just for the laughs.

no no, you really must watch it, if just for the laughsboobs.

The time commitment negates whatever function this show might've served.

Right, but surely most cooking shows feature recipes that are overly ambitious in one way or another. Cooking shows are part advice, part fantasy.

I think the basic message of the show is "OK, you have these shopping and cooking habits, and proper cooking seems way too ambitious to you right now, but why not try some lateral, creative thinking with what you're doing?" I can imagine that it might get some people more comfortable with experimenting in the kitchen, and I bet some of her simpler, saner recipes are more "foolproof" (and produce results more familiar and pleasing to people used to bold, prepackaged flavors) than whatever the Barefoot Contessa is cooking up.

Obviously it goes over the top, and they've probably made too many episodes and are overly constrained by the formula. And the tablescapes are terifying. But even though I don't get much out of the show, I don't think it's all bad.

agreed. i have a friend whose mom cooked like this as a way of life, and i think she could have learned a thing or two from sandra. i mean, let's be honest, I cook like this sometimes. buy something out of a can and add a few things to make it tolerable.

i think the biggest affront is that she assumes credit for shit she doesn't do, and encourages you to do the same! piling cakes on top of each other doesn't mean you 'made' dessert, and pouring hpnotiq over ice certainly doesn't mean you 'made' a cocktail!

Eh I just don't feel like anything she does is going to lead to actual cooking. I mean obv her audience is people who think "cooking" is scary and complicated but she's certainly not disabusing them of that notion.

Elmo feels the same way about DJs.

buy something out of a can and add a few things to make it tolerable.

but but but she takes something out of a can and makes it far far worse!

Cas, I'd feel the same way if DJs tried to pass off the music they played as being of their own invention, yeah

i don't know how anyone can watch this and actually have a serious debate about whether or not it encourages "real" cooking for the fantasy audience in their head. who knows why people watch this? could be the fact that sandra lee reminds them of their friend's batty mom. could be her barely contained weirdness. could be those tablescapes. could be the camera's restless search for the perfect knocker shot. could be sr's strangely mesmerizing accent. could be stoners who want to curb their appetite.

yeah it's not like i've set up the tv in my kitchen to cook along with mark bittman or anything.

i honestly feel like the show could be on comedy central and it would not be out of place. or SNL. it SEEMs like an SNL skit!

she was covering Nutter Butter cookies in white chocolate and tying licorice around them to make "snowman cookies."

I am staying home today baking actual homemade cookies as a direct reaction to reading this. It made my skin crawl. There has to be balance in the universe, people.

I feel like if I felt the way I do about cooking (ie it is time consuming and stressful and even when done well all that you get is just, y'know, food), and I was somehow in the position of having to cater for a family with my ability/inability to do this 'well' being a point of pride/shame, I would watch and appreciate this show a lot?

Yes, if you don't like cooking, you will think this is an awesome cooking show. That is kind of the problem.

If you don't like cooking, why are you watching the Food Network?

You're kidding, right?

See pictures above.

I mean, I didn't start liking cooking until I was in my late 20s, but I always liked cooking shows. But I liked food, and I liked tv shows where people talked as if directly talking to me in a friendly manner, and I liked watching people do things with skill. Sandra Lee doesn't really do any of that, but she might have given me a few ideas to zing up something I was already doing -- which would have been a practical and useful kitchen tip on a channel filled with people who were doing things that were entirely out of my league.

#1 reason to make your own cookies = raw cookie dough.

Esp. when no one else is home.

Chris, my complaint is PRECISELY that putting ground beef into a frying pan, or cutting up a tomato or clove of garlic isn't out of ANYBODY'S league. I have this nagging (and sort of ugly) feeling that Slee is just making the confused and slightly-intimidated just more willfully, obstinately ignorant.

I still hate cutting up garlic, and consider the pre-chopped stuff in a jar to be a godsend.

That's just weird. Garlic is so much easer to chop than onions!

i really enjoy prep work. it's relaxing to me

hell, everyone cuts corners, but she aspires to make everything perfectly round (to extend the metaphor)

i like pre-crushed garlic. i like to use garlic a lot, in salad dressings and stuff, and having to crush it every time is a pain.

prep work can b really nice but i'm too often just too busy

btw yes to raw cookie dough ; )

From Harpers' "Debbie Does Salad" article about the Food Network:

Theme music welled up, the monitors flashed to life, and everything else receded into darkness and silence, all except the flat, sweet, Midwestern accent of a solitary voice. "Hi. I'm Sara Moulton, executive chef of Gourmet magazine. Today we'll explore B the great American hamburger ... "

Barbara Nitke began her career as a porn still photographer in 1982 on the set of The Devil in Miss Jones, Part II, which had a crew of twenty five and a budget of $100,000 and took ten days to shoot. That was the longest shoot she ever worked on. These days a typical porn director can
create a feature-length video in a day, for as little as $13,000.

Since Devil, Barbara Nitke has worked on the sets of more than 300 porn films, which she said is not a huge number, considering that 10,000 new
releases enter the market each year. Her most recent gig was with famed feminist porn director Candida Royalle. Nitke shot the stills for Stud
Hunters, images that ended up on the backs of video boxes, DVDs, and in the magazines. Over the years, her work has appeared in Swank, High
Society, Leg Show, Climax, and Nugget.

I had come to Nitke's studio in midtown Manhattan, near the United Nations,to watch food television with her, and to compare the histories
of sex porn and gastropom. Nitke, fifty-four, dressed in black from Tvshirt to Ferragamos, had set up a card table between the foot of her bed and a bookshelf, and ordered Mexican takeout. As we ate lunch she told me about her pending contract with HarperCollins for 'American Ecstasy', a coffee-table book of her porn-set stills, and I began to examine her library, which included copies of Leathersex, The Correct Sadist, and It's Not About the Whip. "I know most of the authors," she
said. "It's a small world."

For the past several weeks, Nitke had been running porn films side by side with Food Network shows, studying the parallels. She had also been analyzing the in-house ads, like a recent one for the network's "Chocolate Obsession Weekend," which promised to "tantalize your taste buds." In this spot a gorgeous model pushes a chocolate strawberry past parted lips as she luxuriates in a bubblebath. The suds shot dissolves into Food Network superstar Emeril Lagasse, who shakes
his "Essence" - a trademarked blend of salt, paprika, black pepper, granulated garlic and onion powder - into a pan of frothing pink goo. The camera moves into the frying pan and stays there.

"There's something very visceral about watching the food," said Nitke. "It's very tissue - It's hard not to think of flesh when you're looking at these closeups."

Like sex porn, gastropom addresses the most basic human needs and functions, idealizing and degrading them at the same time. "You watch
porn saying, Yes, I could do that," explained Nitke. "You dream that you're there, but you know you couldn't. The guy you're watching on
the screen, his sex life is effortless. He didn't have to negotiate, entertain her, take her out to dinner. He walked in with the pizza. She was waiting and eager and hot for him."

Which reminded me of my conversation with Food Network programming VP Bob Tuschman. "We create this sensual, lush world, begging you to be drawn into it," Tuschman had said. "It's a beautifully idealized world. Who wouldn't want to be a part of that world?"

Of course, recipes made on-screen rarely match their printed correlatives in books, or as they appear as text on the Food Network's much visited website, foodtv.corn, "That's exactly the way the porn thing works," continued Nitke, "The sex, of course, is impossible to replicate. No one gets a blow job like that." She explained the complicated hair issues (must at all times be drawn away from the face) and bothersome elbow issues (must at all times be tucked under the back) of on-camera oral sex, and elucidated the role of the recent
film-school graduate generally consigned to hold the "C" light, which illuminates the crotch. Left to their own devices, crotches remain dark.

Nitke clicked on her tiny television and we settled into a show called Food 911, in which a handsome, sensitive hunk named Tyler Florence travels the nation, kitchen by kitchen, on a quest to liberate home cooks from their culinary frustrations. We watched as a desperate housewife stared at sturdy young Tvler. Could his arroz con pallo quench her flaming desire?

The camera zeroed in as Tyler expertly spread
raw chicken breast across a cutting board. "That is the quintessential pussyshot," Nitke said. "The color of it, the texture of it, the camera lingering lovingly over it." Tyler gingerly tolled the glistening lips of chicken breast into a thick phallus, which he doused with raw egg.

"I feel a lot of love right now," Tyler told his transfixed acolyte. "This is a sexy dish." Perspiration had begun to bead on the poor woman's forehead, her dark curls had wilted, her lower lip trembled, and as she gasped, the camera caught her low-cut yellow sundress squeezingher breasts. "This is the pizzaman," declared Nitke. "There's the helpless woman who can't do it for herself. In walks the cute young guy who rescues her."

The result was inexorable. Eventually, Tyler and the housewife would go cheek to cheek, lean forward, open their mouths, taste the chicken
and rice, and melt into a flushed-face, simultaneous food swoon. When the inevitable sequence finally rolled, the editor kept looping their wet mouths and rapt faces as they pushed forkful after forkful of arroz canpallo past their lips, chewed, and swallowed-and pushed and chewed and swallowed again and again. "Classic porn style," said Nitke, "They're stretching the moment out, the orgasmic moment. In porn they'll take a cum shot and run it in an endless loop."

....

As Nitke and I finished up the tortilla chips, it was time for Rachel Ray, who has shows in both daytime and prime-time Food Network slots,
a multimillion-dollar book deal, and a paradigm evident to all. "She's the girl next door," Sara Moulton had explained to me. In 2003, Ms. Ray
pleasantly surprised her aficionados with a series of images published by the soft-core laddie magazine FHM. Subsequently disseminated over
the Internet, the most popular of these photographs proved to be one of "Ray-Ray" (as her fans call her) in frilly underwear, licking chocolate syrup from the tip of a pendulous wooden spoon. In another shot, Ray sat on a kitchen counter, her bare legs smeared with egg whites.

Barbara Nitke and I watched Ray-Ray do her perky act with a ripe tomato. "I love just giving it a good smash with the palm of my hand," she bubbled. "A good whack. Then I run my knife through it." Her glistening fingers closed around the dripping fruit. "She is moist," Nitke noted. "She gets her hands dirty."

Of course, the girl next door is not the only female porn archetype. For every Mary Ann there's a Ginger, and the Food Network's resident glamazan would be Giada De Laurentiis. Giada, Bob Tuschman explained, "has a huge following. She has filled out her skin and really fills out the TV screen." Sara Moulton put it more reductively:
"She's eye candy."

Nitke and I watched as Giada prepared some Italian cookies. As· usual, she was dressed in a tight, sleeveless top. "Now I can touch the dough
and elongate it," she said. "I'm getting it all over my fingers." When Giada squeezed a lemon, the camera moved in for a closeup of the abundant yellow stream. "All that juice," came Giada's thick voiceover. "Oh my god," said Nitke. "It's watersports."

Now Giada chopped garlic-quickly, hypnotically. "That's the equivalent of the sexual skills," Nitke said. "The chopping - that's the
hanging-from-the-chandelier-having-sex moment. It's amazing to watch that chopping, and we see it over and over, all day long. I would compare it to the deep-throat thing. That's the WOW."

"Left to their own devices, crotches remain dark"

lololol

I fucking hated that article. "People photograph things in similar ways!" Food Network shows look better than any porno I've ever seen, anyway.

Oh my god," said Nitke. "It's watersports."

hahahaha, that article is the most otm thing on this thread.

I thought it was funny bcz food network has many tits.

xp

the only reason food network has taken off in the last five years is bcz they've realized food = sex (also reality shows). now if only the weather channel learned the same lesson we could have stephanie abrams getting moist in a massive storm etc.

hahahaha

so this new jamie oliver show is basically the anti sandra lee

it's called "Jamie at Home" and it's basically him cooking with fresh ingredients form his backyard

lol wau sandra lee just came on!!

"retro-chic comfort food"

it looks like she is going to slice tomatoes and put basil on them for an appetizer...

genius this woman

amen!

i'm totally turning this on in a minute

i just realized how obscene it is to say that semi-homemade "cuisine" saves money when her "tablescapes" probably cost more than my rent

this is a great thread btw

that screencap i took of her boob still astounds me

ew she is using the nasty powder parmesan and passing it off as okay

she bought frozen chopped onions for her thanksgiving meal last night

she did this again

ok the powder parm is just not okay. duh.

ummm... yeah, her tablescapes are completely not doable. i mean, some of those centerpieces?

I have to add that I saw her make this soup the other day, and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen- it had boxed butternut squash soup, apple sauce, pumpkin pie spice, ketchup, and curry powder, then she dropped about a cup of sour cream into her bowl.

She said something like, "people will taste this and be like 'hmm, what is that flavor?'"

her cuntiness

rodfromcranston (1 month ago) Hide 0
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Yeah, gay guys and jealous ugly women hate Sandra Lee. She is HOT!

I used to watch the shit out of the Food Network, then I didn't have cable for like six years. In that time it changed in some dramatic way and I am no longer the target audience, which is epitomized by this woman (and, to a lesser extent, Rachel Ray and Paula Deen). Give me the awkward, unattractive, condescending people who actually know how to cook any time.

And I never felt really strong one way or the other about Jamie Oliver, but he used to be all over the Food Network when I used to have it - now he's been scrubbed clean like one of those guys who pissed off Stalin. What happened?

OK, I have a friend in LA who is a food stylist and she and some pals of hers got stuck doing food styling backstage for Sandra Lee's show, and they told me about her nickname on the set, which is:

Bat Sandwich.

Why? Because apparently there was some episode of this show where Sandra Lee had the retarded idea that you could use kiddie-style cookie cutters to make tiny cut out sandwiches with . . . prosciutto in them. Now, obviously, prosciutto is so hard and resistant that you can't just pop a cookie cutter onto it and hope to actually sever and disconnect a perfect, cookie-shaped mini prosciutto sandwich. But Genius didn't really have to worry about that as she doesn't make this stuff. She had brought in a "bat" shaped cookie cutter and wanted the stylists to make a big tray of bat-shaped prosciutto sandwiches for her. They said she was a total, talentless bitch and a nightmare to work for, and doesn't "invent" - let alone cook- her own food. Yikes.

^zapruder post

geez this woman just put, like, 4 soups in one meatloaf!!

CHEDDAR CHEESE SOUP and cream of mushroom... i've never even heard of cheddar cheese soup!

http://www.warholprints.com/images/artwork/full/FS-II.63.jpg

From Wiki:

When Lee was 11 years old, she became a surrogate mother to her four younger siblings: her full sister Cindy, half-brothers Johnny and Richie, and half-sister Kimber. She took care of them, went grocery shopping for the whole family, and handled the household's finances, supplementing food stamps by selling daffodils she picked from a nearby lot at a roadside stand.

neat.

omgosh it actually says great as a sauce too! that sandra, always doin it right.

HA! And this:

Reaction from some television and food critics has been negative. Television critic Linda Holmes ("Miss Alli") of Television Without Pity believes Lee "cooks like a college student". Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain has publicly described her as "Betty Crocker after a weekend of huffing crack"[9] and has referred to her as "Pure Evil".

Amander Hesser in The New York Times writes that Lee "seems more intent on encouraging people to create excuses for not cooking than on encouraging them to cook wholesome simple foods," concluding that "she has produced two books in which she encourages a dislike for cooking, and gives people an excuse for feeding themselves and their families mediocre food filled with preservatives."

haha i missed drew's BAT SANDWICH anecdote, amazin

i mean, u can make anyone look bad... xp

looool @ bourdain

For balls-out craziness, I still prefer this woman:
http://knoxville.skirt.com/files/24_7/Oct247KNOX.jpg

Dawn Tesh of JewelryTV to Sandra

i dunno it's a tough call. dawn is a complete hoot tho.

do you guys actually sit around and watch the jewelry channel

um, yes. i put it on like, all the time. it just CRACKS ME UP.

i mean, i don't generally "sit around and watch" instead of doing other things that are actually important (i don't really like to do that with TV at all). but i often put it on when i'm going to bed, or waking up, or lazying around. it's fun.

No one is making Sandra Lee look bad except herself.

To be honest Sandra makes me feel more in touch with America at large -- sometimes I feel a little culturally isolated from the rest of the nation to the west of the Hudson in bklyn.

So in that sense, she is a cultural ambassador of the 70%-storebought-america.

http://img451.imageshack.us/img451/8559/sandraleesemihomemadehalloween.jpg

It seems like that should be animated somehow.

putting the ho in heave ho

My favorite random TV weirdo is the woman from the Quacker Factory who shows up on one of the shopping networks every once in a while:

http://images.barnesandnoble.com/images/14820000/14828807.JPG

I sometimes catch my wife watching this, totally mesmerized and confused.

ban generalmills

omg. what channel is she on?!

calm yourself, z.

jeanne bice looks like a winner

The rest of American is not like Sandra Lee. u_u It's bad, but it's not all THAT bad. And if we don't want it to be WORSE we should shove her under a rock now, while there's still time.

I totally want to see her 'chefography' - anyone seen it?

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/4013/sandraleesweetandspookyjr9.jpg

"Hello, Cher?!"

Yes - I agree with Surmounter - GIFs PLEASE!!!

Are you calling me Surmounter? Because we can take this outside.

Oh, heh - Sorry, Laurel. But as Surmounter's boyfriend I have to say it isn't the worst thing.

HALF BREED MEETS SEMI-HOMEMADE oh sweet jesus

Semi-Bred with Sandra Lee

I sometimes catch my wife watching this, totally mesmerized and confused.

-- joygoat, Tuesday, 29 January 2008 20:57 (2 hours ago) Link

so funny

guys sandra lee has a MEMOIR out, according to ABC:

Lee's book, "Made From Scratch," will be in stores in November. Read an excerpt below.

I was two years old when my mother, Vicky, dropped my younger sister Cindy and me off at Grandma Lorraine's house in Santa Monica, California, one beautiful sunny afternoon in 1968, promising to return shortly. We didn't see her again for several years.

Grandma Lorraine was the mother of my birth father, Wayne. Vicky and Wayne were typical high school sweethearts. They filed for divorce about two years after they said, "I do," somewhere around Cindy's first birthday. I started calling Grandma Lorraine "Mommy," and Vicky became a distant memory.

Grandma Lorraine loved being in the kitchen. Some of my fondest memories are of baking with her. Grandma's vanilla cake with butter cream frosting was my favorite. She also knew how to stretch a dollar better than anyone, mostly because she had to. She taught me to save money at an early age, opening my very own savings account when I was four. I could barely spell my own name, but filling in the dollar amount on the deposit slips was easy for me. These were important lessons that would come in very handy a few years later.

Grandma Lorraine reminded us what a gift life is and how important it was to embrace the joy in each and every day. She'd talk about all of the possibilities that tomorrow could bring.

Not long after my sixth birthday, Vicky came back into our lives. She arrived with her new husband, Richard. Vicky and Richard tried to explain that they were our mom and dad, but I wondered why these strangers wanted to take us away. Slowly I adjusted to my new life in Marina del Rey. It was a short distance from Grandma Lorraine, but Vicky and Richard stopped allowing us to see her. Soon after my sister Kimmy was born. She was the most beautiful baby, and the first child Vicky and Richard had together. It was the happiest time we shared, but then Richard was transferred to Washington State for his job as a computer programmer, and everything changed. Vicky's mood was becoming unpredictable and more volatile.

Three years later Richard left Vicky, and at age 11 I became mom, sister, caretaker and homemaker of our family. There were six of us in the house -- Richie and Johnny were born after we moved to Washington State -- but I was the one looking after everyone. Vicky spent her days lying on the couch, taking pills and screaming at us. When the welfare check arrived, I'd bike to the bank to deposit it. Then I paid our bills to ensure our gas and electricity weren't shut off. Next I'd use the food stamps to stock the kitchen as best I could. I was so glad Grandma had taught me how to cook and be frugal, because there was no other way for us to make it through.

There were many scary moments when life felt completely out of control. Like the time Johnny was three and wandered onto a two-lane highway. One of our neighbors found him on the side of the road. Or when Richie lifted the heat vent from the floor leaving a hole that he fell into. The vent's metal side was so sharp that it slit open the inside of his calf and he needed several stitches. I daydreamed of being a normal kid, but that wasn't the reality I lived in.

Halloween episode! New, or at least new to me! Is anyone watching this shit? I'd like to see her medieval rattail catch fire.

Costume changes!

omg i think we have it recorded

You can neutralize the garlic odor with stainless steel, Jesse. Take a butter knife or something you can grab in your hands and rub your hands on it under running water.

Untrue.

I forgot about Bat Sandwich.

seeing this thread again makes me smile. i love the title, the question mark makes it.

out http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=1&id=25657

ryan and i's semi-homemade facebook group now has hundreds of members, fyi

if you want to join it, please do -- i think it's called "I actually like Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee." There are discussions ongoing.

there is some AMAZING stuff on this thread.

New amazing article in OUT Mag, y'all!

http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=1&id=25657

Oh, oops! DAMNIT RAMZ

http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/attachments/food-beverage/85515d1199681987-favorate-food-shows-sandra_lee-cleavage_01.jpg

<3

http://dev.out.com/images/186/sandraLee1.jpg

what the fucking christ

kwanzaa cake is the most demented thing I've ever seen in my life. Showed it after a big dinner with friends for hearty laughs once. Tbh i had never heard of canned pie filling

THANK you i was looking for that, xp

sandra lee side-boob

I saw Sandra Lee stick a whole can of cream of asparagus – the can and its contents – in a blender, then sprinkle cinnamon. After pouring little dollops into a muffin tray, she purred that this would taste GREAT with a side of cole slaw and a nice cold glass of V-8.

?

Anthony Bourdain scoffs at a garlic press, saying "I don't know what it is that comes out of a garlic press, but it's not *garlic*."

This doesn't make sense to me. What else would it be? I use a garlic press and then mince the leftover garlic that doesn't make its way through the press.

Lee displays a formidable knowledge of the internecine political struggles that often accompany the courtier-like relationship between a gay and his girl. “I had to talk to a gay last week about his girl because he was being very nice to me. I said, ‘You have a responsibility to your girl, and that is not me. And my gay would freak out if he heard us having this conversation.’ I said, ‘Love your girl.’ ”

what is this shit

honestly

o_O awesome

"my gay would freak out"

Considering that so much of the Food Channel's programming is bimbettes and Kraft advertising, I take a certain pleasure in watching her show for its transparent, craven idiocy and 'cause she's both hilarious and infuriating. If I were related to her, self-immolation would be the only option other than visiting mayehm and homicidal violence on her person.

Shortly after her divorce in 2006, Lee met Andrew Cuomo, the New York state attorney general and son of former New York governor Mario Cuomo, at a party in the Hamptons. They’ve been dating since.

good luck new york state

sorry ramz but i think even less of her now, because of that article. i did not think this possible.

can't stand this bitch's show. Ooh luck my kitchen is color coordinated! blech

i'm in no position to take offense at your judgment, elmo. i do think i luv her even more tho.

Even her gay-diva schtick is store bought.

Sorry gayz, but the buck stops here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY

I love how she sprinkled what looked like dirt from an anthill into the pot.

Ooh, I might join this one:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204556447

"countries in the east" like, er, England?

"ten minutes later" FFS the only way it could take someone ten minutes to prepare mushrooms would be if they were on mushrooms...

On mushrooms:

http://www.topnews.in/files/images/Sandra-Lee1.jpg

Expresso.

Actually, SL saying "expresso" isn't as atrocious as Bobby Flay saying "chipotele." He should know better.

I distinctly remember her saying cum-POH-teh once ("compote).

http://thedailywh.at/post/437510309/gag-inducing-gourmet-of-the-day-the-food

that video elmo posted has made me cry

curdleface video A+++++

this video is truly insane

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jaRjhVYkxw

she first "makes" a cocktail, by combining champagne and tangerine juice (with the pulp) and dumping in raspberries (?) AND THEN goes "now for a real semi-homemade cocktail" & she grabs a bottle of hypnotiq (which they only show from the back) and goes "now they've started making these pre-made cocktail, where all you have to do is add ice" (or a refrigerator, i guess) and so she puts ice into a glass and pours in the hypnotiq and then goes "i call this my ocean breeze cocktail" (?) and then dumps about 10 blueberries into the glass

Are you supposed to eat the berries or what.

yeah haven't exactly figured that out yet

This is probably going to sound very dumb, but I am am old and missed out on the whole Hypnotiq zeitgeist, but are you supposed to drink it in big glasses over ice like that? That seems like it's akin to pouring yourself a nice, big pint glass of peach schnapps.

this bitch just put a slice of pineapple inside a burger and grilled it

she bought an angel food cake and then cut it in half and ripped the cake out so she could fill it in with cream cheese, brown sugar, cinnamon and pecans

http://i32.tinypic.com/ndsupw.jpg

tbh all of this sounds really good to me

:/

LOOK AT THAT CAKE

lol

she's a goddamn visionary

if she wasn't a massive alcoholic then there would be no reason to like her

Kebab shop near where I used to live did the pineapple/burger thing - surprisingly good actually.

that's like the cake a 8 yr old would make after school

jordan! don't be so mean to sandra, you know you feel the love

YOU CAN'T PUT A PINEAPPLE INSIDE A RAW BURGER AND COOK IT

i like that she calls herself "sandy"

omg that sounds delicious!

have any of you adults been to a dinner party where you had a namecard placed at a seat at the table

she just ended this episode by saying "i'm sandra lee, i hope you have a great day, AND GO SAILING"

YOU CAN'T PUT A PINEAPPLE INSIDE A RAW BURGER AND COOK IT

― de jong and the restless (J0rdan S.), Tuesday, July 20, 2010 6:29 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

guess what--she fucking did it.

have any of you adults been to a dinner party where you had a namecard placed at a seat at the table

yes

but yeah she is batshit

Nope. Only weddings.

lol show me the tablescape jordan, can u take a pic

sure

I don't think I've ever been to a "dinner party" big enough to require name cards. Nobody I know lives in a place big enough to have more than six people for a sit down dinner at one time.

TABLESCAPE I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WORD

I'm sure her cocktail recipes are pretty OK if you like confectioner's sugar.

also she is andrew cuomo's girlfriend

the cocktail recipe today was a jug of cranberry juice, pink lemonade concentrate, orange juice concentrate, a "cup" of brandy, and a shitload of champagne

it didn't look too bad

Probably looks the same coming back up as well.

so she just takes what they pumped out of her stomach the night before, and recycles it into a cocktail. how green.

i am now watching semi-homemade clips at work, and feeling really good about my life

that's fucking gross

the "cocktail"

just mix vodka and a jar of karo corn syrup for chrissakes.

how green.

like 'bile beer'

the cocktail recipe today was a jug of cranberry juice, pink lemonade concentrate, orange juice concentrate, a "cup" of brandy, and a shitload of champagne

^^^^fucking crazy

surm u r so much better than this ho

i'm sorry i know this has been posted but

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHwnBfBcK20&feature=related

just can't get enough

Kebab shop near where I used to live did the pineapple/burger thing - surprisingly good actually.

― ninjas and lasers and gold and (snoball), Tuesday, 20 July 2010 19:28 (11 minutes ago)

I should point out, that they actually cooked the fucking burger first, then added the pineapple ring at the end during assembly.

I like cooking shows. I don't like assembling shows.

Why does she exteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend woooooooooords in the middle of a sentence?

<3

she's a special lady

today the name cards were sailboats

http://i30.tinypic.com/33ljx9l.jpg

that is stunning

jordan do u remember her "kwanza cake"

this is semi-wonderful (don't know if it has been posted yet)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY

lush ... lush ... all together ... lush

The nearest we have in the UK is Delia Smith...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIoeEJTPpQA
^^^ not sure if this is the infamous recipe that contains twice your RDA of salt, but even if it isn't, this is not how you make a shepherd's pie.

jordan do u remember her "kwanza cake"

― janice (surm), Tuesday, July 20, 2010 2:48 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

DUH

KWANZAA CAKE

http://i32.tinypic.com/2ryq69s.png

this fucking bitch

Hard to imagine Sandra Lee stood on a football pitch bawling at the crowd.

more like Semi-Comatose amirite

look at that cake everyone

The fact that they need a 'food' caption next to that cake just to remind everyone watching that it is actually supposed to be food...

that is actually the food network logo

cake does come with a gong though

there are acorns and pumpkin seeds on that cake ftr

and apple pie filling in the center

that is actually the food network logo

So why are they showing stuff like that then? ba dum pish!

http://i32.tinypic.com/25r04sy.png

this bitch just put a slice of pineapple inside a burger and grilled it

― de jong and the restless (J0rdan S.), Tuesday, July 20, 2010 1:17 PM (41 minutes ago) Bookmark

dunno why but this sentence is cracking me the fuck up rn

Aren't there also Corn Nuts on the Kwanzaa cake? Because that is just beyond the pale.

are those candles. it looks like a 4-year-old made it!

omg corn nuts

xxxxp What is this, 'Cakes for Coprophiliacs'?

this show makes me uncomfortable

she's kind of my dorothy tbh

I dunno why you all are freaking out over sandra lee's new and improved candleholder

xp me too, no kinda about it

dark reflection of amy sedaris, we salute you

I love watching her show, her recipes are so awe-inspiring. And she seems too wonderfully drunk/oblivious to care about the horror she has created.

she seems too wonderfully drunk/oblivious to care about the horror she has created
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_8JLkwzpd0

those goddamn tablescapes always look like a Christmas Tree Shop squirted diarrhea all over the dining room table.

that is a really terrible thing to say

this, btw:

http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k155/foodnetaddict/sandra%20lee/sandraLee1.jpg

Wow. Just, wow.

god look at her throat: it's like she planted a cantaloupe seed in her larynx.

http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/sandra-lee-11th-annual-race-to-erase-ms-hosted-by-nancy-davis-and-tommy-hilfiger-1NQ1hp.jpg

just a little sandra lee side-boob, to complete your day. xpost

this bitch just put a slice of pineapple inside a burger and grilled it

― de jong and the restless (J0rdan S.), Tuesday, July 20, 2010 1:17 PM (41 minutes ago) Bookmark

dunno why but this sentence is cracking me the fuck up rn

― goole, Tuesday, July 20, 2010 7:05 PM (27 minutes ago) Bookmark

I'm hearing it in the voice of L'il Wayne.

i cant believe i didnt know about this woman until now. my mind is blown. i am a BIG fan already!

i wish she and susan powter could somehow have a show together. that would be the best entertainment known to man.

making carnitas tacos -- i'm excited

so far she's taken a pork loin and sprinkled "taco seasoning" on it, then she grilled it, and is now putting the loin in a dish with "enchilada sauce", cilantro, chopped onions and "mexican seasoning", which i believe is the same thing as the "taco seasoning"

this will be going in the oven

Darn. I was hoping she would start with a trip to Taco Bell.

Remove the filling from 12 hard tacos to use for the carnitas, and use the shells for the tablescape.

This is making me kind of nauseous, tbh.

this actually sounds pretty harmless--just get an old el paso taco kit and you're most of the way there.

On a pork loin, though? Blech.

she's making some sort of pie but i'm not paying attention

she used instant pudding as the filling i think

there is tequila in today's salad dressing

hahah okay

this vinaigrette, FOR ALL YOU HOME COOKS, =

2 teaspoons of gold taquilla
3 tablespoons of olive oil
1 tablespoon of lime juice
1 teaspoon of "wonderful zesty herb & spices salad dressing pack"

jordan she loves her "mexican seasoning"

and "seasoning packs"

she's like "most of you don't realize that you can find these great little packs just FULL of flavor, right on your store shelf"

the salad = chopped tomatoes, chopped avocados & sliced cucumbers

"this is not a common dish, so everyone will think that you are absolutely brilliant"

haha ramz

they just teased the tablescape

it looks victorian

the salad = chopped tomatoes, chopped avocados & sliced cucumbers

i do this ALL the time. favorite salad.

she's putting the tortillas in the microwave, give us a second here

I can support putting tequila in just about anything. The seasoning packs, however, are a different story.

That I have this thread bookmarked means I should start shopping for a psychotherapist.

her carnitas are in like, 3 inch strips

it looks conspicuously like a mcdonalds snack wrap

cocktail coming up

should just rename this show "Semi-Drunk in the Kitchen"

the cocktail starts out with orange sherbet

a cup of vanilla vodka
2 shots of orange liqueur
a splash of orange juice

BLEND

"it looks like a beautiful orange creamsicle" which it does not, because it is liquid

the placeholders today are oversized match boxes, with a card of inspiration in the box, instead of the matches

a "card of inspiration"

i love she always finds these things at "the crafts store"

this lady spends a lot of time at the crafts store, can u imagine

She must get a lot of coupons for Michaels.

yeah when she describes her tablescapes it's like she spends days on end at craft stores "finding" things and then she pulls together a beautiful tablescape from all these disparate sources

People, I will rep for those Good Seasoning salad dressing packets all day long. They are great. IN FACT, IIRC, they won a Cook's Illustrated Italian salad dressing taste test, so take that haters.

I will probably never mix them with tequila, however. I'll leave that to the drunken pros.

and she also makes it sound like they're just down the street. she'll have a plastic swan in the center of the table the size of your bed and she'll say you can find it at "the crafts store"

no to be honest i am really curious about the mexican seasoning and would use it on everything in the wrong state of mind

and she also makes it sound like they're just down the street. she'll have a plastic swan in the center of the table the size of your bed and she'll say you can find it at "the crafts store"

― janice (surm), Wednesday, July 28, 2010 2:35 PM (58 seconds ago) Bookmark

dying

i mean, seasoning packets aren't really all that terrible, i mean after all they're just packets of seasoning -- the point is just that she's a PROFESSIONAL CHEF on the FOOD NETWORK

there is tequila in today's salad dressing

― J0rdan S., Wednesday, 28 July 2010 19:16 (20 minutes ago)

WHAT...
THE...
FUCK?

i should note that the alcohol was not cooked out or anything, it was just straight tequila

So all the ingredients went into a jar, got shook up, then poured on the salad? Yeauch, and a waste of tequila.

well she probably took 2 shots on the sly

Oh I'm sure that the rest of the bottle was put to better use.

BTW if we had shows like this in the UK, there'd be questions in the House of Commons.

Let's all watch this again:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY

guuuuhhhhhh

expresso

god i love that video

expresso!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE

holy shit

uuhhh higher quality version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI5e72B_eIc&feature=related

"they illuminate like crystal bells" - you and the tree both, lady...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLrNGIbqn0w

nutcracker king holding cocktail is the most epic shit of all time

i feel like the tree in nyc should have sandra up there holding a cocktail

We need to watch this together sometime, then try to make a banana nut bread out of peels, banana ice cream, and bread crumbs.

Not exactly accurate. We would then try to make a banana nut bread out of banana nut bread mix and a pan.

Buy a ready made banana loaf from the store, then pour tequila over it...

And smoke the banana peels

Sorry but the banana peels are being used for the tablescape.

Put the banana bread, ice cream, and tequila in a blender and make a cocktail.

if you dont have ice cream an banana bread DONT WORRY

• Come back from the store with the banana bread, ice cream, and tequila.
• Unwrap the banana bread
• Throw away the banana bread.
• Drink the tequila.
• Put the ice cream in the microwave on full power for 30 minutes.

• Put empty ice cream container on head
• Run out into street
• Shout "Yay I am soooooooooooo fucking drunk!!!"

the makeup people on this show are great, cos clearly someone has to kick in the dressing room door and slap her into consciousness before every taping

if any of you would like to join the facebook group created by my husband and i, "i actually like semi-homemade with sandra lee," here is the link http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=8425273789&ref=ts

like i said i am the Vice President of Keeping It Sweet

we have over 250 members

lol snoball

fyi this show can lift me out of a bad mood like nothing else can.

i will never forget the first tablescape i ever saw. it was thanksgiving and there were little turkeys all over the casseroles. i thought i was tripping.

hahaha

my dream day would be to spend all day with you eating pizza and watching this show

i know, me too. but we would have to make the pizza ourselves out of frozen pizza.

we could add cupcakes on top

well, we'd buy a frozen cheese pizza and packaged pepperonis

ha

And maybe some candy corn.

Very nuevo cuisine.

Holy fuck this is a disaster...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce40YCHysVM&feature=related
This cake is basically a solid wall of HFCS, right?

well, we'd buy a frozen cheese pizza and packaged pepperonis

― J0rdan S., Wednesday, 28 July 2010 21:35 (14 minutes ago)

After all the shit USers have given us UKers about pizza...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl5j55rmSJ4
...readymade pizza dough, BBQ sauce, bacon bits, sliced apple, chicken, topped with cheese.

look how beautiful she looks tho

Oh and don't forget the spring onions. I swear that we could ship LJ to the US and have an instant hit cookery show.

srsly the amt of packagin each meal entails

It's like the amount of packaging you get when you build a PC from components, except every time you eat.

That list of toppings is pretty weird, but still I was unprepared for how ugly the finished pizza actually looks!

It's like when you buy a frozen pizza and all the topping has shifted over to one side.

she just piled the cheese on haphazardly, and she kept talking about the "nice smoky flavor" of everything

"nice burnt flavour" more like

(look at the edge furthest from the camera)

Ugh!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJIsi2yoC7Q&feature=related

what

god help me without actually watching the video that sounds kind of good to me. i should probably make myself a snack

this is really very weird this one

I once saw her put an argyle sock in a toaster on medium setting, then slather blueberry jam and capers on it before saying she was "only" going to use it as a garnish for a strawberry margarita.

you guys

this potato

good lord sandra

like, this is next level, even by her standards

next

level

WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING

the thing is, who even aspires to eat a baked potato? like, okay... ice cream as pizza i understand. ice cream as a taco i understand. ice cream as a SANDWICH i understand. but ice cream as a baked potato? why not ice cream bisque!

"Make yourself a little ravine, where you gonna fill it with all sorts of good things."

a ravine

NICE. AND COLD. AND HARD.

I thought that was going to be something sensible, like ice cream made from baked potatoes, but no, let's take some perfectly good ice cream and totally ruin it!

actually i'm sorry but i think i might really like it

Dear oh dear.

do you guys think she is being serious when she says "i'm using one of these fancy spray cans"

she's not capable of sarcasm right?

"I'm just going to open my mouth and vomit in this ravine."

omg did she really say that j0 i missed it

A rainbow platter

vanilla ice cream + vanilla frosting + aerosol whipped cream + cocoa powder is like ... smh

That potato was next level.

LEMON FROSTING

I watch her every Sunday morning with my abuela. Every time I get snarky she says, "Listen, even people with no taste need role models. Leave her be."

Your abuela is A+

wkiw Alfred's abuela

"If you've ever wondered what to do with the top of your butter dish..."

No, actually, I have always just been contenting letting the top of my butter dish be the top of my butter dish.

hahahahaha true

I have often wondered if I could somehow turn it into a cake or a cocktail

lololol

I'm suprised she bothered taking the clingfilm off the ice cream potato - she'd not notice it if she ate plastic anyway by the looks of her.

BTW pineapple on burgers is actually pretty common in Aus, I'm reluctant to advise y'all.

i need to note, once again, that she did not merely place a pineapple ON the burger, it was embedded into the burger while the meat was still raw, and then the whole thing was cooked

a slice of pineapple, rather

i still dont think that sounds bad

I'm sure pineapple + burger is great, but cooking it inside the patty is just ridiculous. It would taste 1000x better if she cooked it right next to the burger on the grill and then assembled them together.

Anyway, this is the least of her problems (kwanzaa cake).

She looks like she would happily take one of her plastic flowers, put it between an English muffin, and eat it.

This show is still on?

i need to note, once again, that she did not merely place a pineapple ON the burger, it was embedded into the burger while the meat was still raw, and then the whole thing was cooked

Yeah OK that ain't good eats. The pineapple needs to be char grilled (if yr gonna go down that dark path, which I never would - meat and fruit do not belong together on my plate).

(I am aware tomato is a fruit. Shut up thats why)

thank you all and sandra for the joy of laughter

this is great, now mothers of picky children who have trouble getting their kids to eat ice cream and frosting can "disguise" it as the beloved children's food baked potato

NICE. AND COLD. AND HARD.

― balls and adieu (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Wednesday, July 28, 2010 5:32 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

wow u guys. i finally watched that clip. i just feel like how can a person do any of those things with a straight face? like, when she matter-of-factly is walking the saran-wrapped log of ice cream to the freezer and says, "you want to put the potato in the freezer" as though any of this is reasonable at all. w t f

clip of the year

i am probably going to start watching this show goddammit ilx

really couldn't ask for better entertainment

we used to dvr it

I once saw her put an argyle sock in a toaster on medium setting

Was this a joke or for real, btw.

If her people are reading this thread, there's a pretty good chance that it will end up being real.

today sandra takes on classical french cooking

she started off today by using a defrosted pack of frozen, diced carrots, a package of sliced mushrooms, and two cans of diced tomatoes

classic

everything is PINK today btw

she loves the packages of diced vegetables

like it's her favorite thing

besides saran wrap ok go on

today's sauce, poured over pork in a slow cooker

can of cream of potato soup
tomato paste
dijon mustard

stir

three tablespoons of dry sherry
teaspoon of herbs

it smells like heaven
it looks like nacho cheese

she has a sister named Kimber

Maybe heaven smells like nacho cheese?

today's salad dressing

olive oil
apple cider vinegar
honey
sour cream
yogurt
3 quarters of a cup of "gargonzola"

the salad = salad, pears, walnuts + dressing

a spicy cashew dip is coming up

today's cocktail is called "the pink elephant"

her sister loves apple cider vinegar

today's sauce is pure sandra btw

her sister loves apple cider vinegar

― janice (surm), Friday, July 30, 2010 2:10 PM (41 seconds ago) Bookmark

ha, she said this

it's her secret

this dip is seriously vomit

soft cream cheese
coconut milk
peanut butter
chili paste
curry powder
cashews

IN A SLOW COOKER

like, that's literally just vomit -- i'm sorry

ewwwww

the desert today actually isn't that offensive, in context

dessert*

omg this woman this thread this life

Today Sandra Lee takes on French cooking -- and French cooking loses.

she has added lime juice to the dip

this is seriously the most disgusting looking thing i've ever seen

the pork chops look equally as repulsive

two of the worst dishes she's ever made

imo

"speaking of your mouth" was something she just said

the dessert is some lemon tart thing with blueberry compote on top that doesn't look half bad

cocktail time coming up

what the hell is "speaking of your mouth"

one part lemon liqueur
one part raspberry liqueur
one part cranberry vodka
one part white cranberry juice

today's cocktail

today's tablescape includes some pexiglass that she got from the craft store

also, instead of having flowers as a centerpiece, she's using cocktails

which is obv brilliant

DON'T WORRY if you don't have the white cranberry juice

Just substitute dip.

And if you have no dip, take your butter knife and scrape caulking from your bathroom tiles.

that's pretty much what it looked like

this dip is seriously vomit

soft cream cheese
coconut milk
peanut butter
chili paste
curry powder
cashews

IN A SLOW COOKER

This sounds like it would end up looking like hot vomit or diarrhea. I don't even want to contemplate how it would taste.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKiMctPV0j4

i feel like her career is just a slow crawl towards actually making jerri blank's hot fruit

Somebody send SL a Pot Noodle...

Microwave popcorn with sugar water and cinnamon, and pound cake with stuff poured over it. Also something seems to have gone wrong with her eyebrows...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnbTDSsCO8c
"flon box"? "carmel sauce"? huh?

"stir in your wine and let cool for 15 minutes" - is Yoda a script write for this show?

Hahah "flon".

I was laughing and wincing through that whole bit.

FEBREZE IS PEOPLE!

You could probably achieve the same culinary effects by mixing sugar and febreze.

i cover all my pound cakes in febreze. before i bake them.

It does keep them fresh.

In 2009 she received a Daytime Emmy nomination for Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling.[10]

Lee's official Food Network bio states that "Lee then attended the world's leading culinary art institute, Le Cordon Bleu."[11] Lee enrolled in a recreational two-week course at the school's Ottawa outpost, which she acknowledges that she did not complete.[12]

Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]

I love the way she tries to make it seem like cooking by saying "top with 1-2 tablespoons" of juice instead of just "some" juice. Because precision is always more important in baking.

being forced to watch this

feeling my life draining away

So gross:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaFGoGFPrJ4

"Look at this!"
er, brake discs covered in diarrhoea? And has the camera operator been drinking as well? Swaying all over the place so much I was starting to feel ill even before SL took the lid off the pot.

god I feel nauseous. mmmm boiled porkchops in glop.

It's French! why bc of the jar of mixed dried herbs I used. (As French as store-bought sweet & sour pork is Chinese)

i had to have posted about that pork chop dish -- one of the grossest things i've ever seen her make

new season fyi

yes i did:

today's sauce, poured over pork in a slow cooker

can of cream of potato soup
tomato paste
dijon mustard

stir

three tablespoons of dry sherry
teaspoon of herbs

it smells like heaven
it looks like nacho cheese

― J0rdan S., Friday, July 30, 2010 1:04 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark

this is seriously the most disgusting looking thing i've ever seen

― J0rdan S., Friday, July 30, 2010 1:22 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

the pork chops look equally as repulsive

― J0rdan S., Friday, July 30, 2010 1:24 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

two of the worst dishes she's ever made

― J0rdan S., Friday, July 30, 2010 1:24 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark

seriously tho

So digusting it got posted twice. It doesn't lose any of its vileness the second time around.

I almost want to boycott my dinner because I can't get that image out of my mind

fucking cream of potato soup holy hell

It was one thing to read about it but quite another to see it for myself.

This shit would make Betty Crocker's hair curl...

lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHwnBfBcK20

do you believe in life after goop

I Got Gloop Babe

The Gloop Gloop Song

Gypsys Tramps and Gloop

Way to let that butter melt before adding those bread crumbs, Sandy. Do they just not let her use the gas anymore?

It's French! why bc of the jar of mixed dried herbs I used

My mother has a big jar of "Herbes de Provence" in the kitchen - although it's just the empty jar as the "erb" (WTF???) dried out.

I'm going to make these porkchops for dinner this weekend. I will report back.

"erb" is american for "herb"

palin / lee 2012

er, brake discs covered in diarrhoea?

lol this is a great line

I keep thinking about the Cream of Potato soup

I'm going to make these porkchops for dinner this weekend. I will report back.

You are a brave woman, Jenny.

please make sure all your vegetables are pre-sliced or canned for authentic results

"erb" is american for "herb"

Yeah but it is also a word for *cough* something else.

I really wish SL had worn a beret to make her French pork chops.

Is her kitchen always that pink?

Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]
Lee has been dating New York state attorney general Andrew Cuomo and shares a home with him in New York.[14]

yep, possible future 1st lady of the empire state

that is gonna be so fucking sweet

can u imagine the state dinners

i'm just hoping for some kind of scandal. tablescapegate!

xp lol

In 2009 she received a Daytime Emmy nomination for Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling.[10]
In 2009 she received a Daytime Emmy nomination for Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling.[10]
In 2009 she received a Daytime Emmy nomination for Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling.[10]

Semi home-coiffed with the assistance of ready-made extensions.

I had this idea for a TV show for people who find Sandra Lee's recipes too intimidating. It would be called "Entirely Shopbought with snoball". Basically, every episode I would microwave a TV dinner. Most of the time the camera would be showing the TV dinner rotating inside the microwave. It would be like those old BBC "Potter's Wheel" interlude films, except with food. And to capitalise on the imminent explosion of 3D TV broadcasting, the "food rotating" shot would be angled so it looked like your TV was a microwave.

And you could have an unopened bag of snacks to "prepare" at the end as your "side dish"...like a bag of Ruffles potato chips that you would open at the end.

jesus christ that is the funniest/most terrifying thing I've seen in a long time

also someone explain the use of music in these clips

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q0ixIL-boo&feature=related

apologies if this was posted upthread but seriously what the hell

dan, those are nutty star sandwiches

there is nothing else to be said

I feel like all of the evil in the world can be traced back to this woman and her horrifying show

The music is like the auto-accompaniment feature of a home keyboard. Also strawberry flavoured cream cheese? Bloody hell, USA.

i REALLY wish there was some sort of deleted scenes or like "recipes from the cutting room floor" feature on the dvds of this -- i would love to know what sandra thought was a bad idea

yep, possible future 1st lady of the empire state

I've been slightly horrified by this for awhile.

the thing with sandra now is that i feel like any recipe that doesn't involve unheated cream of potato soup is actually a step in the right direction and should be mildly applauded

I feel like the music is a guy with a Casio sitting in a tree outside her window, a la Something About Mary

xpost Jordan otm - also fresh strawberries! Practically Giada.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVBFFkuvbSM&feature=related

this is seriously the laziest shit ever

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJIsi2yoC7Q&feature=related

honestly on my headstone i just want it to say

Sandra Lee - Fruit Wands

and nothing else

baked potato ice cream is really a seminal moment in this thread's history -- the one question that i had was why a baked potato? like, of all the things that you would want to model a desert out of, "baked potato" would have to be like not even in the top 500 right?

Fruit wands is like some waiting for Godot shit...she talks about the freaking wands for EVER before we even get to SEE them

So this episode is "how to make a sandwich"? There are people who can't do that? Oh, correction, how to make a sandwich, then punch out a star shaped segment and then presumably throw the rest of the sandwich away! That's more than half the sandwich! Why not be slightly less wasteful and cut the bread into star shapes first, then put the strawberries, strawberry jam, and strawberry flavour crap on to it?
Fresh strawberries, then strawberry jam as well. WTF is the point in using fresh strawberries then, because their flavour will be totally subsumed by the jam. Also you could use strawberry flavour cream cheese, which would add an artificial strawberry flavour to the mix. And you can also, at SL's suggestion, add honey. Why not just name this sandwich the "I hate diabetic people sandwich"?

PINEAPPLE OF COURSE

looove her advice on not to stick sticks of shit into other shit so the shit doesn't fall over. pro tip!

okay so I should read the rest of the thread before posting more but SERIOUSLY

I wonder how many of her double entendres are intentional("it needs to stay cold and hard" "nice big piece of butter in my baked potato!")

dan, have you see the kwanzaa cake? i feel like you should see the kwanzaa cake

this is must viewing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY

lol @ "seminal moment in this thread's history" btw

Baked potato is hilar. NOW WHAT YOU'VE GOTTA DO IS COME IN HERE"...long pause...

Dan needs to the Kwanzaa cake.

i can't watch this shit at work, I'm in a cubicle omg hahahahahahahahahaha

i actually wonder who would get more insulted when watching sandra -- chefs or bartenders

I seriously almost shot my eyes out of my head stifling laughter at the initial shot of the kwanzaa cake

I wish her show was taped in front of a live studio audience that we all could meet up at.

lol when u type "sandra lee" into youtube it autocompletes "kwanzaa cake" first

"Now, if you haven't figured it out yet, I am recreating ALL of the wonderful toppings for my baked potato in... a sugar form. This is a great dessert, and by the way, this right here will feed two to three people!"

or kill them

ACORNS AND PUMPKIN SEEDS

all classic components of cakes, i don't see the problem

i get a little scared for her when she needs to actually use a kitchen knife -- she seems so unsure of herself

"this cake... I don't know, it's missing something"
"have you tried throwing some acorns on it?"
"GENIUS"

The shot where she grabs the two melons? "honey dip"? Are they moving towards some kind of Nigella sexualised food thing? And what's up with Sandra's pronounciation? "fruit wons", "kebob", huh?!?!?! Anyway, so there you have it, "fruit wands" - stick some fruit that someone else cut up and prepared on to a stick, then stick the stick into half a melon, making sure that the stick is stuck or "you will not be happy".

"vinella"

as in "vinella yogurt"

it's nice to know that my my chicken noodle rice recipe (make two cups of rice by substituting chicken noodle soup for the water) is actually a step above this shit; I should have my own show

really tho, i think her coliseum is the no-bake birthday cake

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cpd6rHIfyA

Fruit wands; make sure you add honey to the vanilla yoghurt so it's sweet enough to make your teeth explode

just so everyone is clear: yes, those are cupcakes on the cake

her dress

the dog can not go potty on the cupcake

love how she gets faux protective of her "creation"

haha so far my favorite comment on the no-bake birthday cake

treeshanklondon
1 year ago 32

all this does is display Mario's superb acting skills.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHwnBfBcK20&feature=related

WHAT THE

her hair - that's approaching a Croydon facelift