you're home for the holidays: irritating relatives, enforced sing-alongs, and furtive nips of liquour when bringing out the trash

Walking down to Carmel Beach along Ocean Avenue, occasionally seeing Ralph Lauren in his car.

is the car plaid?

male relative to me, 7:15, first morning after i've arrived from los angeles: 'jet lag is a shysty ruse. go shovel snow and then complain about feeling like it's only four a.m.'

is the car plaid?

No, but if only. He's usually getting coffee or the like.

"If you think you're enlightened, spend some time with your family of origin"

!

lol remy is descended from hardmen

definitely, definitely adopted

during caroling last night i enforced the singing of all twelve verses of children go where i send thee

if someone gives you a gift and then turns to everyone in the room and says: "THERE IS A FUNNY STORY BEHIND THIS!", they are lying.

two days of shopping and cleaning in preparation for in-law family to arrive for the day of present giving and inane chatterboxing :-(((

I've been told that a relative of mine is giving me Taco Bell gift certificates for the third year in a row, despite the fact that I've previously made it clear that I don't have a car to go to Taco Bell, and that I don't really like Taco Bell. I'm already preparing my game face for the gifter/giftee interaction.

MY STEP-MOTHER'S MOTHER: "I was on the news once."
ME: "Oh, really? What for?"
MSMM: "You can probably guess what for" [nervous laughter]
ME: "Ha, no really. Did you rob a bank or something?"
MSMM: "We were on the news when my second husband was killed driving into a pine tree. I was unconscious for 45 minutes."
ME: "Oh, yeah. That."

followed by a nervous chuckle

This is the first Christmas ever in my life that I will not be hanging out with my family. Just me, the wife, her brother, and brother's wife 2,000 miles and three time zones away from my family and in-laws. I'm very excited about this.

My mother has had these '12 Days of Christmas' plates for years, and the annual tradition is that the plates are set face down at the table and when you sit down to eat, your 'number' is revealed. Then we all sing the goddam song (my dad videotapes it every year). There is lots of clamoring, trading of plates (everyone wants 11 or 12, as everyone but my little sidster and mother thinks this tradition is the pits)

I'm running out of funny ways to ruin it by inserting things about lepers and transvestites into the song

I will also expect many 'hot chocolate gift baskets,' socks, and possibly gift certificates to stores I never go to. Ho, ho, ho!

I'm looking at a $50 gift card to Chili's, Macaroni Grill, On the Border, Corner Bakery, Big bowl, or Maggiano's.

I can't fathom us ever using it.

It's rare that we go out to dinner anyway these days, but when we get the chance, it sure as hell ain't Chili's.

fare thee well

I'll trade you my Taco Bell Bux for Chili's gift certificate.

on a related note: holiday parental i.t. dept, reporting for duty (part 2)

i have been completely broke and have not yet bought 1 gift. i have come down with a nasty cold since arriving at my parents house. tried to drink it away last night but it didn't really work and now i feel worse.

local newspaper headline: "Yakult Drama"

i haven't been home for xmas in 10yrs, mostly because it's too much of a pain to get back there for just one day (which is all i get off). but this is actually a good thing: my mum's a pain in the ass, by older bro is a fuckface who i refuse to talk to, and my extended family are hicks.

this year i will be renting old favourite dvds, buying a ton of yum foodstuffs, and hanging out with my guy.

i also may get drunk of the bottle of mondoro asti my boss gave me for my birthday.

I will also expect many 'hot chocolate gift baskets,' socks, and possibly gift certificates to stores I never go to. Ho, ho, ho!

-- If Assholes Could Fly This Place Would Be An Airport, Saturday, 22 December 2007 19:16 (3 hours ago) Link

I actually think socks are a fine present, providing they're really nice ones. I'm frequently upgrading my sock collection. I love socks. I got my daughter-in-law three pairs of cashmere-blend polka-dot socks. Things could be MUCH MUCH worse, IACFTPWBAA.

i wish someone would buy me socks for xmas!! i really really need some, and i never have enough pairs! secret santa, if you are reading this and haven't got me a gift, now you know.

once again (third year running, woo) my parents and i are staying at home, and not even going to see relatives at all except for my childless aunt and uncle, who are both total nerds and give me $75 iTunes Store certificates on every special occasion. they are fucking great.

but when we used to see relatives, it was always a shitshow. my mom's family are all a bunch of redneck drunks and too-serious military men, and my dad's family are all super-WASP or super-tacky-Jews.

so yeah, my parents have been making wise decisions for a bit now.

NONSTOP LECTURES

I stopped at a bar and had a couple of drinks before the annual extended-family dinner/get together (where drinking in front of the Baptists would be frowned upon). It was weird sitting at a bar, drinking by myself, at 5 in the afternoon.

Also, the booze didn't last long enough to keep me from being miserable. Next year I'm bringing a flask.

cut your hair
buy new jeans
"but I'm 24 years old"

you're coming to church with us on sunday, right?
let me buy you some new jeans
do you want some more coffee?
yes, but do you want some more coffee?

a
agagh;asldkgfh

let me buy you some new jeans

^^ yes, this. or shoes, or sweatshirt, or coat. i am eternally too raggedy for my family.

i leave tomorrow morning for just five days... going to need to pick up some weed, definitely, and it's a good thing i can drink with my family or else i'd be much less good humoured. also planning on going to bed early and reading throughout my "vacation" unless i'm out with pals. loitering around at home, getting suckered into tedious domino games is UNACCEPTABLE. also good this year: bringing a laptop, but i don't think either of my parents has wifi.

no WiFi would mean no dice for me. i forced my parents to get it right before i took a semester off.

ha. at least they have wired innernets. my mom was dial up until about two years ago!

my parents are STILL on dial-up. it takes an average of about 5mins to load a page.

i'm going to watch approximately 9458 episodes of law & order.

and animal planet and the food network. oh god how i miss cable tv.

My parents had the internet and then gave it up about 6 months ago. I don't think my mom touched it once. Christmas would be way more fun if I get shitfaced like any other normal person at a family gathering, but instead it's a stone cold sober reflection on the glory of Jesus. No internet, no booze - I'm just going to bust through Tropic of Cancer and Capricorn and smirk at everyone.

our christmas dinner is veal ossu buco which i am very excited for. though i have never gotten into sucking out the marrow.

my housemate has cable, but my parents don't, which is probably for the best. today, i read all the back issues of Harper's and the New Yorker that I missed.

I'm heading off to my parents place interstate this evening for 3 days at home, which is a bit daft because neither of my brothers or any of their little kiddies will be in attendance; my nan had a stroke and has only just come out of hospital so is too sick to go anywhere, and me and my dad both lost our jobs a couple weeks ago so no one has any money.

Oh, and my b/f cant come with me so I'll be without him on xmas day.

Whee.

i was making muffins. dad came and pushed me out of the way to get to the dishwasher. i said 'hey, don't push' and he said 'buzz the hell off' and went in his room and slammed the door. mom came into the kitchen five minutes later and told me, very seriously, that i had offended my dad and that he didn't feel like seeing me right then. 'okay' i said. 'this is such a disappointment,' mom replied.

i am a barely-contained ball of punching

:-/

my parents, unable to fit both a turkey and much else into our tiny fridge, have turned an entire room of the house into some sort of cooling-plant. not going in there again. *sniffs, coughs, blows nose*

This thread is hilarious.

and also tragic

I am always amazed that you're on speaking terms with your family, remy, much less willing to visit them in person.

i know. and in spite of the way these threads make it seem, we are actually really close.

Good, because I was going to offer to adopt you. We'd have to build an addition on the house, though. Could get pricey.

My parents got wireless internet, omg.
My parents got DIGITAL CABLE, OMG!

my grandparents are more internet savvy than my parents

We can't come up with a movie that we all want (or are even willing) to see. Kite Runner is in the lead.

12 hours with 600 barking/fighting dogs, overdone xmas motifs galore, "salad" (comprising lettuce and cubes of Coon cheese) and a raft of nutbar tory relatives whining about the Labor government's first four weeks in power and how the country's already gone down the toilet. Wish me luck!

today i got the moms to play wii tennis

cubes of Coon cheese

I have questions.

Last year we took the Wii and my mother (who hates technology and anything associated with it, including emails and on/off switches) (a) sat next to, and facing away from, the television, trying her hardest to pay no attention whatsoever to what the other 12 people in the room were doing and (b) opened the curtains every two minutes because she knew sunlight fucked up the controllers and wanted to make misery of our joy. This year I'm putting her in the boot.

comma between "we took the Wii" and "and my mother"

yeah, i'm with ned

my mom DOES in fact have a wireless innernets networks!! awesome.
tonight we go out for sushi. i had to smoke up in the car at the parking lot of barnes & noble.

my mo doesn't even know what a mouse is

*mom

oh and everyone (except me, for I have teh discipline) will eat too much chocolate and get sunburnt again.

thread title says it all

Fortunately we don't do sing-alongs. Family sing-alongs + carols < suicide

We neither thankfully. Also the nips of liquour happily do not require furtivity.

Oh, what a joyful Christmas. Last week my grandmother's neuro specialist (or whatever the specialty is called) said she has full blown Alzheimer's. My grandfather had to go to the ER yesterday, turns out he has a terrible case of shingles and probably won't be able to leave the house for two weeks. And Dec. 26 was the day my other grandmother died, eight years ago.

nb: pretty sure the last one isn't technically true. Grandma was in a coma for over a year and we got the call that she had died minutes after midnight. I'm pretty sure the hospice stalled so that it wasn't actually on Christmas.

I remember a relative dying on xmas day but I can't remember who, which sucks. It was ages ago.

Actually it may even have happened twice, and I think it was grannies' cousins or something.

I'm very sorry to hear that, Milo. Coincidentally, my maternal grandmother had shingles, and later, Alzheimer's. She was healthy for her first 90 years, but had a very -- very -- hard final 4 years. I miss her terribly, especially this time of year (she passed away in December 2002). But things aren't always so hard under those circumstances; shingles go away with treatment, and Alzheimer's affects different people in different ways.

Best of luck. I hope everything works out well with your family.

i celebrated w/ my family 10 days ago and will be alone this xmas. i might go surfing and then fork on this: Have you had your Christmas fuck yet?

lol Work on this

Oh sorry milo, I misread your post. It'll be a difficult few days; best of luck with it all. And I know this is probably easier said than done, but on Tuesday/Wednesday try to enjoy the moment.

relatives are 2 counties away right now, I'm going to the bar

omg so far: yieks
tree falling down
lots of crazy
broken ornaments
dog eating cat's shit and then eating polar bear ornament
good dinner

http://picasaweb.google.com/thebunnybrains/Desktop02/photo#5147388980307783794

http://lh6.google.com/thebunnybrains/R28zAWwBcHI/AAAAAAAAAyo/ob8eg7ezdsc/100_0884.JPG?imgmax=640

my best friend is not home this year and is in DC making own turkey for the first time. Have sent instructions so as to avoid major fuckuppage. Will spend a bit of time with her parents on Boxing Day as her English mad scientist dad is very old and I bring him Battenberg and Turkish delight every single year.

Christmas shopping in snowstorm, meaning all of these Minnesota suburbanites pretending there is nothing whatsoever wrong with the roads and their own driving whilst watching felow road users spin out even in Superamerica parking lot. Watched bar waitress sister pull $1200 at pull tabs last night. Surprisingly little bickering this year due to sudden and unexpected death of dad earlier in the month, so long-divorced mom is being really nice to bereaved yet strangely ambivalent offspring.

Althpough I may be speaking too soon. We call my mom Hurricane Claudia for a reason...

i'm going to watch approximately 9458 episodes of law & order.

I am just beginning hour four of CI. :/

LOL @ text from my mum just now enquiring what my "sock size" might be.

All my worst relatives are shunned. The rest are fun to hang out with or at least fun to deal with. There aren't usually any sing-alongs, just me buzzing on caffeine with the robotic Hip-Hop Reindeer's version of Jingle Bells stuck in my head. There's also absolutely no sneaking of the booze necessary... (Are people really that lame?) Lots of my dad offering to make drinks, or getting me to try another brand of scotch, though. Good times.

(x-post)

send her the red hot chilli's abbey road photo

Also: me sneaking South Park Christmas songs into the traditional Bing Crosby/Burl Ives/Time Life Christmas playlist, watching mom's reaction.

cleaning out childhood room today with a brutal and unsentimental hand. watching sesame street. laughed out loud at surfing crab who announces 'i love new wave music'

december 23 is pretty much the only night when i am at my parents house that i feel like going OUT ON THE TOWN in GREELEY, CO because so many people from highschool are LURKING around every corner! but last night my parents had a FIT about me even leaving the house... warned of ICY STREETS (even though its icy in Denver, too, dudes... WTF?) and DRUNKS on the road. I am already tired of being at mum and dad's and I've been here only about 16 hours or so.... sigh.

Good news is I found a whole cache of young adult novels from my childhood to keep me entertained.

the real housewives of orange county is a weirrrrd show

does everyone in califoria really have fake boobs?

actually its just me, ned and the housewives of orange county

Astounding.

If I am v v lucky and my inlaws' family friend/family tattoo artist will take a postdated check, I will hopefully get the tattoo I have been wanting v much for a good 19 months.

I figured out how to hook up the karaoke machine :(

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2154/2128001788_89b1fae909.jpg?v=0

Boise tats: good; Las Cruces tats: I could get a better looking one in a Juarez prison.

My mom is forcing me to play acoustic guitar and sing Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas."

My dad is watching Braveheart on max volume, the women are in the kitchen baking cookies and watching the cable channel with all the christmas music, my grandfather is asleep on the couch, and my wife is in the basement smoking pot and watching Just Shoot Me. And most of the relatives have yet to arrive. I don't like what we're having for dinner so I'm figuring I'll go get some Taco Bell or Chinese food in a little bit.

abbott what tattoo u getting?

A cuscus on my left upper arm:

http://www.rainbowdivers.org/trips/tawali/cuscus.jpg

on a branch wrapping around my arm.

Do I watch DODGEBALL or 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN at 4pm?

is anyone else working on christmas? i am during the day. the hospital has a free buffet for us.

my dad has such a nice smile in that picture above. awwww. he's napping on cyrus's bunkbed right now. like a 70+ year old baby.

Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas."

This, eh, I could stand. Silver Dagger = all bets are off.

Now my dad's telling stories about seeing The Happenings live at college orientation, and mixing eggnog with spiced rum and Junior Johnson's Midnight Moon Carolina Moonshine. We're going to see I Am Legend (mom's pick) in an hour.

Haw, I love Silver Dagger!

Yes, me too. It's my kryptonite.

today i filled 5 trash bags with junk from my 12 x 9 foot room, and it still looks too full.

My mom has two Christmas trees, and this year she is placing gifts under each tree depending on which tree they match best with.

I found a Choose Your Own Adventure in my room though!

i asked my sister if she wanted to do a duet of xmas songs - her on piano, me on my alto sax from highschool that currently resides in my parents basement. SHE DECLINED!!! :(

also just used parents treadmill... it has its own bedroom.

ive only had ONE xmas cookie.

i found my favorite young adult horror books - THE FOG, THE SNOW, AND THE FIRE, BY CAROLINE B. COONEY. A+++++

my sis's bf gave me a DVD of Gremlins for X-mas yesterday. I AM PLEASED.

that movie rules.

Hahaha, great Xmas shit in it, too.

everybody's @ my sister's in boston. leaving restaurant last nite after pre-xmas dinner I stopped in restroom and emerged to panicked maitre-d running in front door screaming THERE'S A KID THROWING UP OUTSIDE

yeah you guessed it. he's better today after a sleepless nite. Im about to start cooking. and drinking. cheers!

Gremlins holds up surprisingly well. I remembered liking Gremlins 2 more, but that one hasn't aged quite as well. Still funny, though.

Grem 2 is better

Oh god I really want to watch Gremlins now. Although More4 appears to be showing an entire series of Father Ted in one go, that'll have to do.

I'm still at my place, I get picked up by my father at some ungodly hour tomorrow though.

No one from school appears to be going out tonight, have we all become old or something?

Love the Williams Family Christmas.

Silver Dagger > Silver & Gold, at least.

INSANITY

http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/5327/im003788kc3.jpg

update: Elvis Family Christmas is on, and I'm drunk on Knob Creek

awesome thing about being a 'photographer' - no Christmas shopping, except to pick up a bunch of frames

cheapo

my dad told me to get drunk

the house is "dry" this year

latebloomer, hopefully santa will follow that up with a copy of GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH

WHO BETTER: SMART PROFESSOR GREMLIN OR TRANSVESTITE GREMLIN

Smart Professor Gremlin for the stirring rendition of "New York, New York"

Da-Da-dadada, Da-Da-dadada...

once smart gremlin gets smart i find him so unthreatening. wonder if the occupants of the clamp tower felt the same way.

so far, pretty ok (tho some IT problems, moments of teenage reversion)
w33d on the beach dunes while watching crazy surf crash
eagles and baby eagles
guitars, piano
haaaaam
my mom, the only person i wld ever put on a pair of crocs for

My parents tv is so complicated. It's HD, which I have never actually seen in person and it's a little alarming.
I've watched about 18 hours of TV since 4pm yesterday.

you guys with your time off at home with family
I am beginning to think I will never have a big family xmas again

i'm starting to wish i hadn't taken so much time off :/

I think HDTV looks revolting and four times worse than...low-def TV?

I just ordered Chinese food

tombot you and i should get our own thread.

(dont fight the feeling)

I dunno I like complaining about my lot in life on fifteen of them at once

and what about hoos?

is hoos alone on xmas too?

or ethan p about hoos?

Mmmmm dumplings

I would volunteer to work on Christmas if it were possible.

i just found out i am deejaying a private party for a salon tonight.

100 wasted stylists coming up and complaining about how i'm playing X instead of Y.

im in florence right now. i just got back from midnight mass at sta. del croce.

merry xmas to everyone from italy!

i was not home for xmas last year and was in throes of life anxieties :/ not so this year but still adjusting to the fact.

also: my brother's girlfriend gave him an ipod touch! am setting it up. hellow ipod touch i am going to miss you soon tho

merry christmas from westest of coasts!

max I am going to kill you. otoh, you had to go to church, so ha.

i have to go to church FOR WORK tonite

(before the salon party)

today has kind of sucked. i was vacuuming and got a bad asthma attack that hasn't really dissipated that much since. i've got some issues w/r/t my pharmacy in los angeles. and the laundry machines downstairs were either broken or full so it took forever to get my things clean and dry.

there's egg nog tonight. i feel like stanley at the office xmas party when he hears that the "committee for planning parties" is serving margaritas.

my office is closed for a week and a half. so i didnt really ask for time off. AND my parents only live an hour away.

i think if they lived across the country i wouldnt bother. also working a lot from parents house because i am addicted to work :/ :/

there is a particular cheer-lack that stems from sitting in one's childhood bedroom, jobless, single, celibate, and sober on the eve of one's 27th christmas

I am on 30mg valium (that's 3 blues y'all) and 2nd glass of pinot. =D

lol my parents gave me a Glock for Christmas.

Hi dere all. My mom and sis are watching Say Anything in the next room and I'm just chilling.

Milo, if I wasn't banned on noise you'd be in the very much in character thread by now. :D

I had aimed to sleep from 9 until 9, but sadly my body-clock is fucked and I was awake pretty much bang on midnight. My two brothers and I only received one present between us, although in mitigation that present was a Wii. Not that I'm a big'un for computer games (my two brothers are obsessives), even if 'waving your arms around trying to hit a tennis ball' counts more as physical activity than CGI interface. My happy holidays are gonna be more defined by my numerous social sorties than anything else.

u crazee, wii is great

it is xmas day here and i've got the house to myself, it's pouring with rain, and i'm hanging out in bed talking to my boy on teh webcam. and eating gouda with 9-grain crackers.

xpost: when i gave it a go we got highly competitive and it was fun and i pwned them at the golf game, but most of the games bought for us seem to be shooters, which is definitely up their street, totally not up mine. although when i played crysis on a friend's PC that was fun. :)

Evening has been quiet. Ratfink nephew is already asleep. Brother & his wife are currently playing Guitar Hero 3 and openly cursing at each other. Presents are being wrapped. I am drinking beer. Silent night, holy night.

my sis and her bf and his sister and her mom and my mom went to see Sweeney Todd. I was all like "have fun!" I will be seeing Nat. Treas. 2 tomorrow though.

i have to figure out when to stop drinking. i have to be at work tomorrow at six a.m., so i can't be up too late or i might cry at work. and that wouldn't be pretty.

i have to be at work tomorrow at six a.m

UH

i figured my family could live without me on xmas till two p.m. i get double time. which is needed. i think we spent 200 dollars on cheese and crackers today alone.

ah, fair enough then!

Kids are already up past bedtime here, waiting on chocolate fondue. I fear what time they will wake up tomorrow (Santa somehow makes them wake up hours early).

But merry Christmas to you all, ILX!

My parents are drunk and arguing and my husband and I are just kind of sitting here. Yesterday we accompanied them to a friend's party where we found a house full of gollywogs and other rascist memorabilia. 36 hours and counting until we're outta here. No shit - their friend who is here just started singing to stop them arguing. Time to break out the benzos.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GGCNsoWijwU

MY DAD

^^^SO awesome.

Here is a quote from my home for the holidays experience today:

Me: "I am NOT smoking weed out of a dustbuster."
My brother: "Pffft, you say that now."

I missed my mom and dad doing Sonny and Cher

we're watching Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. The first thing I thought(and i haven't seen this thing in like 15+ years) is "Christ, y'know, the New Deal was actually a needed thing. FUCK all those people trying to end those programs."

Also, Ma Otter sings something akin to Carly Simon at the talent thing.

The Muppet-style chroma-key effects are used a lot here, and it's creeping me out.

I'm more excited about the big breakfast tomorrow than the presents.

MY DAD

all is revealed

awesome scott we can be east coast bored at work buddies!!!

I will make an extra pot of coffee

gotta go to bed soon. here is the cast of characters at this year's feast though. You may need a scorecard. first:

Big Sue

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2400/2133925417_aaa21c3314.jpg?v=0

Big Bad Jude

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2367/2133925375_2da3a744c3.jpg?v=0

Crazy Uncle Rick

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2113/2133925335_591b8e8fff.jpg?v=0

Jason

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2262/2134704982_9014dc3f9d.jpg?v=0

PREMIUM SALTINES! Nice one, seward. xpost

Lucky Lucia

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2337/2134704940_feab399a1f.jpg?v=0

Andy Panda

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2031/2134704898_6de82e9471.jpg?v=0

Rowdy Robin

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2251/2133925133_a8f0d9a711.jpg?v=0

Momma Maria

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2296/2133925095_f5538a1889.jpg?v=0

Silly Cyrus

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2067/2133925057_c77c85ef72.jpg?v=0

Smashing Ashley

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2145/2133924999_3efbff60d1.jpg?v=0

Roughhousing Rufus

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2231/2134704596_72fe5070b7.jpg?v=0

and the rock in his pocket

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2292/2133924965_c4913f10e1.jpg?v=0

Can't forget Ethan!

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2330/2134704544_61e443e79e.jpg?v=0

And Catcher!

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2021/2134704506_c09d1144f2_m.jpg

Okay, I think that's everyone. Good nite! Merry Xmas!

Cyrus is blazed as hell in that pic!

BARENAKED LADIES / BOSTON POPS

UGH

GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE DOG WHISPERPERPRR

the hotel's part-time chaplian is coducting a candlelight service on the other side of my office door.

i asked him if he gets a lot of "santa claus" jokes this time of year and he said "yes." that's because he has a gut and a think, white beard.

whoops that was supposed to go in the other thread.

its probably too christmas-y for that thread anyway.

i managed to ditch everyone and drive through the mojave desert all day. i'll be ALONE for x-mas so i can pretend like it doesn't fucking exist for once

I ate two steaks!

after i escaped last night i got shit-faced and lost thirty dollars playing video poker in mesquite, nevada while a cover band played "wonderwall," "brick house," "crazy train," and "basket case," not necessarily in that order. i let "3 a.m." by matchbox-20 get to me. and as pathetic as that sounds i was momentarily happy and will remember the experience with fondness.

x-post i think i'll get me some tacos

SCOT I WOULD BE CURIOUS TO KNOW YR TECHNIQUE WHAT INSPIRES EVERYONE TO GAZE SO DEEPLY INTO THE CAMERA?

I want a fucking steak.

JESSE 8 YR STEAK

ALL THE STEAKS THEY ARE MINE.

watching bad santa. there was a nick zedd "film" on brooklyn public access before, starring a girl elf wearing teletubbies panties.

i'm going to watch approximately 9458 episodes of law & order.

-- bell_labs, Saturday, December 22, 2007 6:36 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Link

^^^this is my life.

as a jew i love tonight because parking at one of the only open restaurants (sushi etc.) is a cinch and the service is a breeeeeeeze.

i've been trying to grow a beard since i've been home (like a week and a half) because i figure i dont have to impress potential mates, and as of last night i finally had a substantial one going, but i shaved this afternoon bcuz i got tired of relatives and other ppls being like "omg beard lol you are in college lol how funny you're getting older now omg beard lol!!!!"

awwwww

also annoying is being a broke lazy college student in missouri and coming home to miami and having everyone tell me that i'm "so skinny and pale".

then again i get to come to miami.

You coulda had to go back to Cedar Rapids.

Omg remy yr dad is my dad. Dishwasher story happens approximately 153540 times per visit home, including my mother taking me aside and telling me in a very serious tone to go apologize .

Also, today my sister gave me shit for 'only' staying a week (even though she's running off to south america for there months on sat) then later accused my one-time attempt at setting her up with someone I genuinely thought she'd hit it off with as an incident of me 'whoring her out.'

And dad was drunk before we even started dinner and proceeded to either mope about something unknown to the rest of us or sleep all night between courses rather than visit with our guests.

Among other fun...

Going deaf from all the yelling, sick of trying to get a word in edgeways, gave up talking 7 hours ago.

Most interesting topic of the day: somebody knows someone who bought a table.

this^^^

i'm getting ditched by my family and leaving 3 days early. which is kind of a relief!

UM I RECEIVED THE NOVELIZATION OF GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH FOR XMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3

dad is watching 'are you smarter than a 10-year-old?' 'highlights' for *the second time* today.

every holiday i am reminded about how selfish my sister is.

my little brother to my mom after she woke him up: "merry christmas, bitch!"

My aunt, who is only seven years older than me, came in my yard and made me put her iPod on my speakers, right in the middle of a song. And then it was understood that we would be listening to her music for the rest of the afternoon.

I had enough when the live Dave Matthews was winding down, so I took it off on the fade to play her a funny song I dl'd the other day. She made a face at my wife that was like 'He's the same selfish pig he always was.'

Gifts are opened and we're chilling listening to John Fahey.

actually at the moment, i am chowing down on mom's cookies before i go back to my dad's place for dinner. best damn cookies.

http://www.humboldt.edu/~sierra/programs/images/cw/cw-group-Domeland.jpg

xpost

Kinda. (My dad and sis are the hikers in the family.)

parents are out and i'm listening to arthur russell. just bought tickets for persepolis. gonna wander into manhattan soon and see what all is open.

squeezed a gin & seltzer out of Sis. Just went for walk along LI Sound.

Child has tasted all her new plastic toys.

Mom asked "What do you weigh? You're getting FAT."

my mom x9483504 "you're wearing THAT?"

I AM SORRY I ONLY BROUGHT ONE PAIR OF JEANS HOME AND ALL OF MY SWEATERS ARE FROM H&M WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ARFHGGGGGGGG HOW MANY TIMES CAN WE HAVE THISARGUMENT

MOMS.

christmas season talk to me
make me want to be with my fa-mi-ly
until you remember the problems with
your real live dysfunctional fa-mi-ly
then you think agaaaaaiiin

mother-in-law was invited a few weeks ago, said 'i'll let you know'

no word

called last night, left a message asking what's up

no response

sister-in-law, talking to wife on phone this morning, 'yeah, she's here right now. i don't think she's coming'

lol i'm just as happy (and so is wife), but show a little class

my mom still buying me clothing that is way too big.
grandma likes huckabee (wtf?)
some good books

I'm going to make a sub with swedish meatballs

wow... i can't believe this is going to continue for 2 more days...

Sister is married to son of late Michigan militia person who thinks only white men should run world. YES he said this. FUN. Guess whose house I am at now and why I am hiding on the Interweb...

Also caught in mother/sister pincer move of PICKPICKPICKPICKPICK. Fuck off the both of you.

We are having a good time. I tried to carve the turkey but failed miserable, emasculating myself in front of friends and family. Lol didn't care. We are searching match dot com for moms. Now we are opening a Riesling in the dead of winter cos mom likes it.

I tried to carve the turkey but failed miserable, emasculating myself in front of friends and family.

Judiciously put.

I'm going to make a sub with swedish meatballs

-- Catsupppppppppppppp dude 茄蕃, Tuesday, December 25, 2007 11:11 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Link

bump that thread where your mom is being a grouch/ crabby whatever.

the family friends my mom made me change for showed up in SLIPPERS. UGG slippers.

oh well, it will not be long now before scallops wrapped in bacon which will make all of this worthwhile!

all i got was a xmas text from my mum, so i rang my sis's cell and found out they were all at my older bro's house (who is a cockface fuckhead). i got passed around to my folks and little bro. call probably cost me about $70. dad whispered to me that mum had 'had words' with older bro... then sis texted me later to say some shit had happened, but she was too cheap to call and give details.

hence, the reason i don't ever go home for xmas, and why i kinda can't wait to be half a world away from them.

i ate way too much gouda and almond chocolate, resulting in totally mentalist dreams and a shit sleep. watched 'art school confidential'. kinda disappointed by it.

is your family in europe?

table caught on fire after sterno boiled over while heating meatballs, everybody sort of stared at it for a good 30 seconds before anybody got it in their head to do anything. anything = me pouring a pitcher of wassail all over it, followed by my mom saying 'well now we have to get a new tablecloth. why didn't you get some water from the sink?'

i love this thread.

remy i will seriously buy your autobiography on amazon import

bump that thread where your mom is being a grouch/ crabby whatever.

-- gr8080, Tuesday, December 25, 2007 5:58 PM (20 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

WHCIH

Rock Band kicks all sorts of ass.

xpost it had to do with you eating a sandwich

http://b7.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00017/79/68/17438697_m.gif

anyway i managed to get through the whole of xmas without watching any tv, except for a half-hour soccer bloopers clipshow on BBC3. spent it on t'internet instead. :-/

that was a pizza sub gradski

i got all pretty even though the only people who are going to see me tonight are family.

mom is carving turkey right now. A BIT ANNOYED BY TURKEY (dont think its that good). OH WELLS.

Rubyredd you're a sweetie and deserve better.

my dad and i just did neti pots together!

youtube?

Asking about my absent, somewhat enabled sister

PP: So where's my present from H________ ?
MOM: I don't know. We haven't bought it yet.

Brought down the room.

Also, my 21-year old little brother reading aloud from an Onion book and saying "fuck" in front of the whole family.

classic

ew, jon.
ok, mom is cut off. too many cosmos, she cried. i fed my sister's dog bacon and she yelled at me. my sister's boyfriend just brought over more mixers :/ veal still has like 40 minutes more to cook.

who's neti pots?

post dinner: quietly backing out of kitchen while my wife "discusses" global warming w/my hothead brother (who works for GM) despite mad finger-across-neck signals "CIO" "dont go there" etc

hmm no pots/pans smashing or screaming yet. mellowing w/age?

"practical" presnts: new flannel shirt & jeans. pajamas. book. wallet. stuff I need.

oh wait I hear the incendiary words "al gore" being spoken...

cutty does neti pot

i made lasagna tonight. one meat. one veggie. and jason brought a big bass from his freezer. he caught it a month or so ago. so he made that. that's dinner. everyone's happy. we just played yankee swap. that was fun. i got some good books.

gr8080 my fam is about 5hours drive north from where i live. but i had to call the fuckers on their cell, and they're all too cheap to call me.

wanko --- <3 <3 <3 :)

We decided the night before that religion will be completely ruled out despite previous years of giving the Protestant one 'a go'. Religion now equals manic forest walks, during which myself and my sister almost died in the rain from our colds and I was briefly separated and lost whilst they marched on ahead.

As is the emerging tradition, they started cooking and had to be persuaded to come and consider opening presents. NOBODY stuck to the buy three gifts each (there are four of us) and I was given a tshirt in XXL size, which is insane, as the bigness just emphasises the hideousness.

They went out on another walk, after I fell out with my dad over music playlists (no Yoko Ono) and I was forced to dance to Kate Nash. There's my rant over with.

9:14am train back to NY, woohoo

http://lh5.google.com/thebunnybrains/R3Gr3mwBcKI/AAAAAAAAA0c/Ln8tEsWUJkQ/100_0901.JPG?imgmax=512
http://lh6.google.com/thebunnybrains/R3Grj2wBcJI/AAAAAAAAA0U/CvHt_AjMxOo/100_0896.JPG?imgmax=640

egg nog w cardamon,salt cod,wine,tons of candy,rosemary potato bread,pancakes,prosciutto sliced like typing paper,latkes,and a fake dog w a hat makes me happy

we had fun. glad you had fun, brother o mine. say hi to raffy for me. everyone is outside smoking doobage now. except me, cuz i have to go to bed cuz i have to work early tomorrow. and our parents. cuz they are anti-doobage and long gone to bed.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXHAUSTING IT IS TO CONSTANTLY HAFTA [makes blowjob motion] WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?"

NO!!!!

I KNOW SHE DID NOT

said with 16-year-old daughter sitting to her left, btw

this just made me cry..
Generations
Santa? Don’t Be Silly. But Still ...

By LISA ROMEO
Published: December 23, 2007

MY husband, Frank, and I had been waiting for The Question for a few years already, and while our son Sean may have thought of it a year or two before he finally asked it, he did not bring it up until he was nearly 10.
“Some kids at school say it just can’t be true,” Sean said one evening in early December. “I mean, the whole world in one night, in a sleigh, with reindeer — that’s just unbelievable. Right, Mom?”

Sean waited for me to answer. I swung my head around the corner to be sure his 6-year-old brother, Paul, was still playing a computer game, earphones on. I knew I had to say something. Yet I was pricked with sadness that my first-born was already too old for childish pleasures. I also recalled with chagrin that this was, after all, what I had lobbied for years ago when Frank and I had discussed — heatedly — whether to spin the Santa tale for our children: Total honesty at all times, I had naïvely declared. Frank called me a Scrooge, I relented and Santa moved in.

Now, I took a breath — and hedged, in the most modernist parenting-speak. “Well, Sean, what do you think?” I asked, willing Frank to come through the door from work early, hoping the soup might boil over and need attention.

“I get what I want every year, and once there was ash all over the living room carpet from the fireplace,” Sean began. “And lots of strange things do go on in the world — right, Ma?”

“Yes, lots of things are not easily explained,” I agreed emphatically as Paul charged in, asking what was for dinner.

Sean went silent and gave me a knowing look that made me wonder if he had already thrown in with the children at school.

Two weeks went by, and the subject did not come up again. The stockings went up. We saw Santa at Willowbrook Mall in New Jersey, and greeted Santa when he came around our Cedar Grove streets on the fire truck as usual, but even Paul understood that these were “Santa-helpers,” not the real thing. “Santa is way too busy at the North Pole in December,” he explained to a younger cousin.

Paul wanted a Lego train set. Sean was counting on a weather station. And both were rabidly overinvested in getting the Arkansas state quarter to complete their commemorative quarter map for that year. In the four years that special state quarters had been issued, we had never had any trouble snaring the newly released coins every few months. But not Arkansas. I had asked everyone I knew to study their change, pestered my local bank and even called my mother in coin-rich Las Vegas to be on the lookout, but no luck. I promised myself that if it did not show up by the 15th, I would have to pay that questionable Web site I had found the full $1.25 for the quarter, plus $5.50 for shipping.

Sean took to giving me wise, sideways glances whenever Paul talked about Santa, as if he and I were members of some secret club. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Paul,” he whispered one day. I kept silent. A formless sorrow descended, yet at the same time, an equally puffy pride, as Sean suddenly seemed to add another reason to be, in his little brother’s eyes, right up there with the moon and Spiderman.

“Let’s go to William Street,” Frank suggested one evening. Ever since Frank and I had been children ourselves, the family on William Street in nearby Little Falls had annually transformed their suburban home into a holiday paradise. The oversize double garage was propped open to reveal a vista of crisscrossing trains and miniature villages, battery-powered figures, animatronic reindeer, artificial snow scenes, robotic elves, snowmen, polar bears and cable cars. Colored lights of every size and from every decade adorned the house, and the lawn was covered with life-size plastic lighted figures. In the glassed-in side porch, an enormous tree and boughs of pine glinted with sparkly lights. Inside the garage, on a velvet armchair, at precisely 7:30 each evening, a traditionally clad Santa welcomed children onto his lap.

“He’s the only one that really is the real Santa,” Paul said as we drove over. “He looks exactly right, and I know he’s not one of the helpers — right, Dad?”

Frank nodded gravely. “He’s the real deal.” Sean gave me a smirk.

Paul was first to take a turn in Santa’s lap, snagging a candy cane, and then looked expectantly at his older brother. “It’s your turn, Sean,” he said. “Come on, hurry.”

Sean grinned, gave a slight shake of the head, and then sat down. Reluctantly?

“Well, son, what are you hoping for this year?”

“I want the Arkansas state quarter,” Sean challenged, arms crossed, jaw set.

Santa looked at me, eyebrows raised. I held out my hands, palms up, shrugged and shook my head slightly.

“Arkansas you say?”

“Yeah, we have all the others,” Sean explained. “Arkansas is impossible to get.”

Santa gently pushed Sean off his lap, gestured for us to wait and mounted three steps from winter wonderland to suburban kitchen. He returned seconds later, hand behind his back.

“Tell me, son, do you believe in me?” he asked Sean, and before he even got an answer, he was handing Sean something small and silvery.

“The Arkansas quarter! Wow, is it for me?”

“Of course it’s for you. Already had it set aside, son.” Santa winked at me, and Sean stared at his palm.

“Paul, look, the Arkansas quarter. Can you believe it?” Sean asked.

“Sure, he’s Santa,” Paul said solemnly.

Sean put the quarter under the tree, and on Christmas Day, he showed it to each newly arrived relative, relating his Santa story.

“Sure are lots of strange things in the world — right, Mom?” he said at bedtime.

I agreed. “More than you know.

are we all crying reading crap today?

not CRAP, but you know, stuff

my kid still beleeves so i cry

I ain't crying. I'm just here. Good day, I'd say.

I reread Remy's thread about the summer before his 6th grade year and eventually wept into my hands. Lol?

I wanted to scream at my sister on the way home, because she was text messaging while driving! wtf.
I held myself back though, since I had to be in the car with her for another forty minutes and didn't want a shitstorm the whole way.

my mom pulled the same stunt

nonsense.
my sister did it on the highway!
ugh, now she is blasting the television in the other room.

My mother was determined that I was soon going to get a terrible respiratory flu, and that I should take the Nyquil pills she had home, just in case. She gets really weird when she hosts a holiday.

i have texted while driving but only when stuck in traffic

also, wtf with all this texting and driving. I can barely text at all, though. (lol OLD)

aw dan u r sweet

Tonight I made bloody marys for everyone for cocktail hour. Dad managed to drink too much at dinner again which meant there wasn't wine left for the rest of us. i kicked everyone's asses at boggle for a good 2 hours and now I'm bored again. I'm starting to think I may have strep throat. My roomies emailed pics of them having fun cooking xmas ham and I wished I was there instead.

Oh and my sister and her husband are all perfect all the time reminding me and everyone else what a miserable loner I am.

And I am posting all this from my phone because even though her laptop is upstairs, she insists on using my parents computer and won't let me near it.

HAHA NO 1 OMG

Oh and my sister and her husband are all perfect all the time reminding me and everyone else what a miserable loner I am.

Ouch. I have friends going through similar! Not a good thing at this time of the year.

my mom is in pissy passive-aggressive mode b/c i asked to borrow her if, today, I could borrow the car. note: i told her on the 23rd. she is like a one woman chorus of:

"it doesn't really matter if you need to take my things, but in the future i wish you would tell me..."

"how do i know what crazy ideas you want to do with your friends?"

"sigh... SIGH..."

"these errands i have, all these many errands, i will put them off until tomorrow because i have to."

"maybe i am losing my mind. maybe i am getting alzheimer's. i worry about that, and now it is confirmed."

my mom is in pissy passive-aggressive mode b/c i asked her if, today, I could borrow the car. (fixed)

my mom got me the coolest t-shirt in the world (XMAS MIRACLE) which my sis was jealous of, and thn got my sister a House of Blues t-shirt. Haha sis you looooooose!

That combination of wanting to borrow yr mum and "how do i know what crazy ideas you want to do with your friends?" did have me a little concerned, I must admit.

they all just went out for another walk

Three hours left until we leave. Not that I've been counting down since the minute we got here or anything.

It's a fine morning here. Silver dollar pancakes on the horizon.

nobody liked my lcd soundsystem joek

my boyfriend gets here in two days and my mom had to go and get a STOMACH VIRUS. happy new year!

meanwhile i've been taking zinc and echinacea and airborne for the past two weeks to obliterate my own cold so that i might actually get to have fun when he arrives.... sigh.

airborne is a fraud

b-b-but it was created by a TEACHER

the grapefruit tastes good though
vitamins are good for you

high school best friend refuses to eat adventurously therefore i am now about to go dine at RUBY TUESDAY'S. wooooooooooh!

at least i got to have awesome vietnamese noodle soup with fish balls and shrimp and pork for lunch today!

tombot, do you want to tell us your joke?

christmas season talk to me
make me want to be with my fa-mi-ly
until you remember the problems with
your real live dysfunctional fa-mi-ly
then you think agaaaaaiiin

-- El Tomboto, Tuesday, December 25, 2007 3:58 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

^^^ i chuckled

OH

...

lol

pre-rock&roll parents inspired by Tom Stoppard to talk about this guy Syd Barrett and importance of vinyl records

Due to sleeping logistics in the small rental home they have til March,
I had to get up at 5:30 both mornings to switch beds, cuz the infant woke up and had to be fed.

Also, was beneficiary of Sis' tirade when she got off phone w/ electric company (who've been billing Mom for place in which she no longer lives).

impudent harlot wins family quote contest, tho.

http://www.jigsawlounge.co.uk/film/images/stories/extermin2.jpg

http://www.dvdrama.com/imagescrit2/m/o/n/mon_oncle_d_amerique_haut.jpg

i learned that my wife's cousin (who is awesome) is expecting her third child in early march. due to complications like gestational diabetes, the obstetricians planned to induce delivery early and offered her a choice of (birth) dates: march 1 or FEBRUARY 29. said cousin chose march 1.

WTF AWESOME COUSIN?

this morning my dad and I nearly killed eachother ( with white light) . But I cooled down enough to realize he is worried about my mom's health. Still grinding my teeth tho. Damn these hollidazzze.

http://www.nostalgiacentral.com/images_tv/prisoner_22.JPG

http://www.firsttvdrama.com/central/scifi/cage.jpg

poor nephew in law xxxpost :(

http://www.io.com/~o_m/omworld/images/blog/05-05/bele_lokai.jpg

http://www.durfee.net/startrek/images/TOS044.jpg

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/f/ff/216px-Fina-01.jpg

omg momz please stop asking me to play scrabble every two seconds.

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/a/a2/STGameTrisk.jpg

T minus 5 days

3 hours. already drunk! but happy not irritated :D

headed home tomorrow. there will be immediate family, travel to see relatives, and old friends who can't stand each other but both want to get together on the same day. and no christmas fucks, that's for sure. for the most part, i'm looking forward to it, actually!

So 1155 is a little early to start drinking, right?

wait 5 minutes.

Like do I HAVE to finish my coffee first or do I just jump right in?

depends what it is, you could put it in your coffee.

Pour out the coffee and pour in the goodness.

cleaning out childhood room today with a brutal and unsentimental hand. watching sesame street. laughed out loud at surfing crab who announces 'i love new wave music'

― remy bean, Monday, December 24, 2007 3:55 PM (1 year ago)

This is the best

Omfg 20 min about which cord to use to plug ipod into stereo. Geez guys it's not like I'm trying to play bass through a guitar amp!

Is this the general vent thread? Because I feel like a cross between Victor Meldrew and Jim Morrison right now...

snoball: "Father?"
father: "Yes son?"
snoball: "I want you to... (dramatic pause) just understand that your wife is pissed off with you because you bought the wrong crackers, then the discussion of said crackers is over, so you can stop bringing them up every five minutes and trying to provoke an argument by saying 'I didn't see what was wrong with them' when it's been explained why already."

(snoball takes a face stupid Santa hat from the ancient gallery box of Christmas decorations'n'shit, and walks on down the hall, arrrr!)

snoball: "Mother?"
mother: "Yes son?"
snoball: "I want you to... (dramatic pause) just put the bloody mince pies in the square airtight tin already like I suggested and you agreed to. Stop talking about putting them under the doormat/on the ceiling/up your nose/wherever. Stop acting like you didn't hear what I said, because you agreed to put them in the square airtight tin."

i am probably going to buy myself a flask today in anticipation of tonight/tomorrow's hilarious unending arguments about whether or not A Christmas Story is "misogynistic garbage"

por exemplo

that actually sounds kind of amusing

that lamp is misogynistic

The child's desire for a phallus culminates in a Greek chorus of Wertham-worthy "injury to the eye motif," a subjugated expression of a pedophilic fear best exemplified by the hideous teacher who gives him an F-- (the minuses could be seen as more fearful phalli or possibly ejaculate). This trope is used subtly to cloak the teacher and other women who have enetered the crone phase as the kind of "luna"tics who would rather draw down the moon than submit to the hegemony and patriarchy of America, reared plainly in the protagonist.

*applause*

so bored.. veerrrrry sloooow wifi.. small house.. don't have a car and other relatives are out.. no such thing as public transportation in this town.. a few degrees above freezing & rainy outside.. despite what i tell her, mother appears to only consume terrible processed food so there is hardly anything here i can eat.. debating whether to find an umbrella and walk a mile and half to the downtown just to get the hell out for a couple hours

abbott, that was amazing. go on with your lacanian self. "'luna'tics" A+++++

that lamp is misogynistic

― Mr. Que, Wednesday, December 24, 2008 6:26 PM (18 minutes ago) Bookmark

it's a major award!!

not too bad so far, i have my laptop and wireless internet, listening to some christmas jams (luther vandross "mistletoe jam"), drinking coffee with fakey holiday-flavor creamer (peppermint mocha i believe), sunny outside.. gonna go to the shops in a minute to buy chocolate and then later dine on shrimp cocktail and jack and cokes. life!!

The bickering might start once my sister arrives, but so far, all is warm and well and I'm about to go roll around in the like THREE FEET of snow outside.

No family again this year - this time just me and the wife, alone, with roast beef, bourbon, yorkshire pudding, and Delirium Noel. This sounds ideal now but really I'm probably going to start missing people sometime tommorrow.

^^^ then you should definitely check this thread sometime tomorrow, when there will be plenty of people who would love to switch places with you!

Meanwhile... We have managed to make Christmas semi-tolerable by restricting time without television to smaller-than-one-hour blocks.

There were some very heated moments when my father discovered the recipe my mom was using for bouillabase is actually for zuppa di pesca (sorry not spellchecking my languages).

Dinner now being referred to as fish stoop by my sister who thinks she is just hilarious.

noone said u had to clean ice sheaves out of the cracks in th roof in order for it not to flow down th shoppe walls.

smoking medium sativa..enduring floods of wall water..sold somethings..have bought nothing for others,,except for a flouride flossing rope for my friends poodle...and banana bread..which i ended up eating,,because i was afraid it was going to get neglected..where is th end of this

there was a good article about zuppa di pesce in the new yorker a few months ago

This is a lidia recipe and I'm sure it will rock but my family has this thing for always being right/smarter/telling u u RONG yay

theyre basically the same thing anyway right

mixed fish, in a broth, made by latins who get really snobby about it

Do not tell my dad that!!!!!!
xpost

Predictions:

1. Father-in-law drinks too much, talks VERY VERY LOUDLY for six hours nonstop, everyone gets an headache
2. Conversation about how wonderful bush is/how shit gays are ruins the whole day for those of us who aren't arseholes
3. My mother drones ON AND ON AND ON about minute details regarding her extended family, like anyone's supposed to care
4. Aforementioned mother gets shits when we start playing Wii games, sits in corner sulking and sabotaging our fun at every opportunity
5. Sister-in-law's boyfriend bails me up and drowns me in boring tech anecdotes VERY VERY LOUDLY
6. We display recent holiday photos, everyone yells over one another and barks instructions at us and in the process completely fails to SEE any of the photos
7. Everyone gets pushy and asks me 9438753948759487593487938759384539854 times if I would like to get in the swimming pool, as though I didn't say no the first 9438753948759487593487938759384539853 times

8. Sunburn (unavoidable)

9. Drunk father-in-law gets custard all over his hands before handling the Wii remote, even though I've told him in no uncertain terms that it's worth $80 and I do not want it filled with custard

Mom and I sit around drinking and watching TV, until I have to get up to fulfill obligations to see high school friends and go to church. Would prefer to continue drinking with Mom.

No extended family around this year!

It's just me and the husband by ourselves this year, with our dog, and I'm pretty stoked.

Heading back tomorrow morning - they're not too far away so I'll be sleeping at mine but back and forth for the next few days. My father's had some pretty serious health problems this year and come through the other side, so this one should be quite special.

Not going home for the holidays can also be kind of depressing. At least we got invited to a Christmas party this year though.

Parents are so funny to observe at Christmas time. There are no half-measures, for them. They are either shuffling around urgently doing things like peeling potatoes and shoveling snow or else they are sound asleep (even in the middle of the day).

Mom's cousin calls from northern Wisconsin and asks how my life is going. I get out one sentence and she cuts me off and complains about the weather for like 10 minutes because it's 30 below wind chill out dere doncha know!! Oh jeez.

already helped mom finish off a bottle of zinfandel. expecting a fairly low-key xmas this year (until xmas dinner which is usually raucous but in a mostly awesome way)

some HS friends are probably home but i almost rather feel like curling up w/ a glass of something and finishing up a book instead

my dad went visiting neighbours and got really drunk and came home and demanded we all go to the pub which was backed up by my mam who did not realise he was bladdered and we all had to go and my 17 year old sister had to drive. Someone who I last remember being about 11 called me "auld stock".

Home and relaxing.

My dad a) turned down more wine when I was going to refill his glass during dinner and b) stopped me from washing dishes with 'I was going to wash the glassware.'. Both very out of character. Maybe in prep for his big turn doing a reading at midnight mass? This means I have to go to church for the first time since my grandma's funeral in June 2006.

also this means i feel like i can't drink anymore til we go to church. that is like, 2.5 hours away? ugh.

also can someone please tell my sister and her husband that yes it's cute they're in love but making out at the dinner table is kind of gross? gosh.

Trying to figure out a diplomatic way to not go to midnight mass.. really do not want to go.

ugh midnight mass is the worst

yeah i looked for an excuse for about 24 hours but my mom's puppy dog 'it would mean a lot to me' eyes won.

I was actually considering going to some church service or other tonight, since I'm all by myself and not managing to feel very Christmassy. I've not been inside a church other than as a tourist in at least five years, and the candlelight service would be suitably moody and nostalgic.

But, it's bloody freezing outside, so maybe I won't.

wld be a lot better if it wasn't a 30 min drive away that will require multiple cars and inevitable drama due to there being 7 of us.

just got yelled at for apparently making the coffee wrong this morning????

don't fuck up the coffee when you're making it for a lot of people, though

although i get yelled at for making it too strong when i'm at my parents

my dad made some wassail tonight and it is STRONG. my brother is excited because he says "this is the first time dad's offered me alcohol!" (i guess wine at dinner doesn't count).

tehresa, midnight mass is no longer at midnight at any of the Catholic churches around here. I use this as my excuse to not go. (Alternatively, if it is at midnight, you could say, "whoa, no, that's waaaaay too late for me!!!")

I think the last midnight mass I went to featured terrible liturgical dance and a very flat soloist. (Oh, Hastings...)

I make it too strong and apparently making it proper strength for 12 ppl makes the filter thing overflow which I didn't know because my coffee pot (which was probably half the price)has no issues when presented with the task of brewing 12 cups.

In other I am a disappointment news, I have nothing church appropriate to wear because the thought of church never even crossed my mind when packing. Yay me.

Inasmuch as they both consist largely of getting guilted by parents into going to long boring ass services that you do not want to attend, I see much common ground between Judaism and Catholicism.

Oh certainly!

Apparently we have to be there at 1130 for carolling ooh boy!

tehresa your story abt church appropriate clothing reminded me, last year at church this girl in the pew in front of us was wearing some very low cut jeans.. at some point after communion she leaned way over to pick her toddler son & basically flashed everyone her lower back tattoo and leopard print thong

midnight mass was a lot classier when i was younger

tehresa, i did the same thing with church clothes! i figured the jeans i was wearing would be fine for a four day trip, and wound up wearing them to church (7:30 service, not midnight). ooooh well.

you guys, this is your chance to start a "what not to wear... to midnight mass" photo thread!

i wore my Kinko's pants and a pullover fleece sweater plus my hiking boots for church. Oh well, it was good enough.

Am currently watching "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" and marvelling at all the potential castings listed by Imdb for the titular role. Apparently everybody from Spike Milligan to every single member of Monty Python to Jon Pertwee was either considered or wanted the role desperately.

i more day before i am a new yorker again.

so far

1. tick
2. tick
3. tick

lol @ roman numeral, surms

guys i met tza's entire family basically, they tried to get me to eat chicken parmesan or something

Lol it was eggplant. Roxy was like 'get me out of here!!!'

That mass was woah, including a homily in which the priest attempted to ellaborate on how god satisfies him better than a woman could and ending with him doing some kind of karaoke 'mary did you know?' song while kneeling and facing the altar.

we do this thing low-key

Predictions:

1. Father-in-law drinks too much, talks VERY VERY LOUDLY for six hours nonstop, everyone gets an headache
2. Conversation about how wonderful bush is/how shit gays are ruins the whole day for those of us who aren't arseholes
3. My mother drones ON AND ON AND ON about minute details regarding her extended family, like anyone's supposed to care
4. Aforementioned mother gets shits when we start playing Wii games, sits in corner sulking and sabotaging our fun at every opportunity
5. Sister-in-law's boyfriend bails me up and drowns me in boring tech anecdotes VERY VERY LOUDLY
6. We display recent holiday photos, everyone yells over one another and barks instructions at us and in the process completely fails to SEE any of the photos
7. Everyone gets pushy and asks me 9438753948759487593487938759384539854 times if I would like to get in the swimming pool, as though I didn't say no the first 9438753948759487593487938759384539853 times

― Pope Bend + Dick XVI (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, December 25, 2008 9:08 AM (11 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

1. still got the headache
2. 'I'm not wearing that pink party hat, it's effeminate' + sporadic racist banter
3. all fucking day
4. n/a, no wii
5. n/a, no b/f
6. in spades
7. n/a, pool not used

My father has played the Christmas carols tape, is now playing the "Merry F-ing Christmas from Elton/Paul/Slade/Wizzard/Wazzard/etc." tape.

TV is now on, thank f***...

hurrah

movies chinese food and celtics v lakers w/childhood friends - on this day i am jewish

except i guess this year today is hanukkah too - this year i am better than even jewish

My mom's top 10 political statements thus far, and it's only morning:

1. Sarah Palin "just sparkles".
2. Barack Obama's mom went with non-white guys to piss off her parents.
3. Karl Rove is a nice man.
4. "I watch both sides of the news."
5. "If Al Franken wins, I'll have to accept it but he's one of those obnoxious Jews. You know what I mean, you went to school with the same kind of guys that I did."
6. "You're the bigot, not me."
7. "Barack Obama is bought and paid for by the Chicago political mafia."
8. "If Dick Cheney was as bad as you say, a woman like Lynn Cheney would've divorced his ass."
9. "It's not racist to say your sister's puppies sound like they speak Hmong when they fight."
10."Your views are too radical; you don't give people the benefit of the doubt."

Honestly, people, I don't know where this bilious shit came from because it wasn't in evidence when I was a kid. She doesn't know it but I'm going to make other plans for the holidays next year.

Wow. Good luck, suzy. :(

Yes, and when I argue back I am accused of "drinking the Kool-Aid."

Yikes, suzy. I'm so sorry!

9. "It's not racist to say your sister's puppies sound like they speak Hmong when they fight.

i think i would've laughed at this out of sheer shock. wow.

Oh, and 11 is "everyone who gets an abortion is psychologically scarred for the rest of their lives."

Oh, sheesh!

Trust me, there is serious karmic payback for all this crap going on as we speak.

did u poison the eggnog????

AAARRGGGGH it's tea time, and my father has just announced that he doesn't much like Christmas lunch, or Christmas cake, or mince pies, etc., etc., and would prefer if we could find an alternative for next year. I imagine that his idea of events would be: 1) open presents (5 mins), 2) watch Queen's Speech 10 mins), 3) that's all, folks, see ya next year!!!

This is where I count my blessings. (For instance, my mom was thrilled to get the Stephen Colbert book for Xmas and immediately started flipping through for choice bits on religion.)

Yeah, we all (including the kids) watched the Colbert Xmas special.

Just talked on the phone with three of my cousins, all in middle & high school, for about 2 minutes each. It was so, so awkward because I never see them and didn't know what to say or ask. I feel like the worst relative ever.

suzy : (

dad is currently rockin' out to the "best of pat benatar" cd my mom got him for xmas

I made a family size pitcher of bloody marys but halfway through my first one decided the mimosas looked better so now I'm a tad tipsy and will soon go on a leisurely mountain hike
ooh boy

that sounds so fun!!! arrgh that's what my family needs today is some bloody marys :)

hey teh you were in my dream last night. i think you were knitting -- and you were like, wise. i think i was having a problem and you were calming me down...

Aww <3

I dunno how to knit!

alcohol array already out. mom's friend is bringing the MARGARITA MACHINE over later

Sweet!

For some reason we didn't revert to our childhood selves and we all got on well at christmas dinner but it maybe wasn't as fun.

I bought all the worst presents and it was totally obvious because my sister bought me an amazing gift bag of ideal presents that were based on no hinting at all (she has no interest in music so how she knew about the rest is noise is amazing). It was kindof embarrassing.

I am listening to Aeroplane remixes in the kitchen, my sisters are watching telly, my mam is at a funeral (!) and my dad is somewhere.

Wau Suzy that is bad.. I'm sorry! My mother is def socially conservative but a big liberal on all other issues and a huge fan of Obama.. No politics fights yet.. just usual complaining about everything else and insistence that the country is completely destroyed and hopeless etc.. and about feuds with family members who I've never even met.. Total downer.

tiarnan i'm so bad with gifts too :/

Wow suzy, that's just horrible. You have the biggest sympathies I can muster.

The closest my lot got to that was my mother saying Obama will be assassinated because he's black, my father repeatedly saying 'I don't want to sound racist' before making cracks about indigenous Australians and various other persecuted people, and generally loads of conversation about centre-left governments 'wasting' tens of millions of dollars on infrastructure plans without ever acknowledging the staggering amount we poured into invading Iraq &c.

(there may have been more; after the 'abos' comment I left the room and stayed away for ~3 hours)

"People say I'm not liberal but I am the most liberal person in the world because I will let you say whatever the hell you want to say and I have just as much right to say you are a stupid idiot for thinking people want handouts and wind power what the hell is wind power."---gf's cuban grandfather at breakfast this morning

he actually sounds great

not to make light of it or anything, but it's really funny how the depressing conservatism of parents is a common christmas experience. Anyone in my family who tried that type of malarky would be promptly shouted down though. It's very unsaid.

Poppop providing all the needed wind power 4 u.

my family is very liberal. except for my grandmother who thinks i should marry my cousin. she doesn't think i could do any better than her. my parents had to remind her that i'm gay, to which she replied "i thought you were kidding"

lol!

i'm always torn between carefully steering the conversation away from politics (and fucking religion! agh) or being so bored that i'm itching for a political argument (UGH). the former won this year, it's actually been a pretty good xmas - just my immediate family, no visitors, no stress - though i am fucking bored of this rural middle-of-nowhere at this point

Somehow I can't imagine you ever being anywhere near a rural middle-of-nowhere, lex.

I don't mind this rural middle-of-nowhere, but then I'm a bit of a rural middle-of-nowhere kinda person.

neither can i. i think i'm off downstairs to sneak some more port into this here glass to my right.

xp

(xxpost) I think lex means that he's somewhere like, I don't know, Watford?

somerset

slightly more rural than Surrey, where I am now

i can almost guarantee that i am currently the most rural and middle of nowhere

Dublin! It's fine here, my parents are good and it's just my sister/brother in law/nephew. Actually a bit quiet, could be livelier. lots of my friends are around but I don't tend to go out on xmas night.

Just spoke to my grandma on the phone for 15 minutes, subjects broached included Irish travellers who go to England and bring drugs back to her town clogging up parking spaces and one of them sleeps in a caravan even tho he owns a red brick house like your auntie pauline's which he bought using money from drugs and I left some vests at my own house before coming to your auntie's and I thought they were here in the hot press but they aren't I must have left them at home do you ever see travellers in London they go there all the time you might see them around but maybe in the midlands are you still working for price waterhouse cooper oh that must have been someone else.......

she's normally way sharper than this...maybe boozed.

yeah, my whole family are suddenly OBSESSED with travellers, wtf?

they prob left their vests in the hot press

maybe that's why the emersion isn't ever on and there is never any hot water.

do u guys call 'em tinkers? that's what my mom calls them, and recalls somewhat wistfully how they used to steal teh washing off the line and how her dad was not very pleased at all that our john was friendly with them

please don't open that can of worms here!

:o

: )

yeah tinkers! real Irish word for them that...if a friend robbed the end of a beer or whatever you might say "you tinker!", or say if they dealt drugs and bought a red brick house and slept in a caravan outside.

what about knackers?

knacker is more of a grey area, because it really means scumbags, but the venn intersection seems very big to a lot of irish ppl

"sushi's like muff diving, you get used to it!"

well, I like sushi...

only one toddler-induced freakout so far

allergy attack from hell, one brother skipped family dinner to hang out with friends, the other hurt mom's feelings during dinner, and there was too much food because we had no guests this year. it's been a surprisingly drama-free christmas, and now we're back to normal.

James Taylor Xmas playing during dinner :/

Hike was ok. Not as pretty as I remember. Now being a jerk and not helping in kitchen so I can watch lakers-cavs and drink wine.

Allergy gave me an excuse to get away early :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

family-free xmas for me and the bf:
woke up late, ate donuts for breakfast, lazed about in bed till about 2pm reading and internetting, went for short hike to beautiful spot in oakland hills, back home with tons of junk food and bad movies to watch.

got a 'merry xmas' email from my parents. should probably call but i won't.

quiet mellow xmas @ my sisters. cooked a ham yesterday, turkey today. my brother stayed in michigan cause of weather. my sister's kids are w/her ex tonight, her new beau is here (nice guy). no enforced sing-alongs or furtive nips (yet) and the only irritating relative is my grumpy son (teenage is gonna be fun) all told a fitting end to a stressful weird year but I ain't complaining. too much.

merry ilxmas y'all.

I would hate it if my family were frustrating! Today we played a game called WEREWOLF*, took the kids on a walk down to the other end of the farm where Dakota the dog (1998-2008) was buried, watched Colbert Christmas AND the first disc of season 3 of Always Sunny in Philadelphia, drank beers, ate award winning Memphis bbq pork butt my grandma won in a Yankee swap gift exchange game, lots of hugging and laughter. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

*WEREWOLF - everyone takes a card and is either a VILLAGER or a WEREWOLF...the WEREWOLFs eat a VILLAGER every night and in the day the villagers vote to lynch someone hoping to kill the werewolf...lots of poker-facing and deceit, great family fun.

many many many glasses of wine later: this was a good one, this year, despite nobody eating the pastries i schlepped from bensonhurst to union county, nj. time for bed maybe

i am so happy my little brother likes it's always sunny in philadelphia

i am so fucking ready to go home

me too kinda. ugh bitchy sister is bitchy.

as my brother was going to bed around half past midnight, he said "merry christmas," my dad said "it's not christmas anymore," and my brother yelled, "MERRY CHRISTMAS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" so i wish you all a merry christmas whether you like it or not.

Gifts from my dad to both me and my brother included: Obama propaganda-style "yes we did!" poster, 5 bottles of red wine, case of beer from microbrewery.

reporting from tucson az where everything's 100% awesome

went out tonite and saw just about everyone from high school i'd want to see and no one i didnt.

in a hat amirite

made up the best game ever where you go up to my friend jimmy and yank out some of his chest hair and then stuff it in my friend spencer's mouth. poor spencer got mouthfuls of jimmy's chest hair from about 22 different people tonite.

yes i was wearing a hat xp

*WEREWOLF - everyone takes a card and is either a VILLAGER or a WEREWOLF...the WEREWOLFs eat a VILLAGER every night and in the day the villagers vote to lynch someone hoping to kill the werewolf...lots of poker-facing and deceit, great family fun.

I play this with friends but it's MAFIA, exact same game though, apart from that we only pick two mafia as a rule.

It is AMAZING, seriously the best party game ever. We've had people screaming at each other and the amount of backstabbing and strategy involved is amazing. I can remember one game where there was 3 of us left and I was the mafia and I had two of the others furiously arguing with me about which one of them was innocent. I just played all "wtf is going on" and wavered back and forth before letting one of them think they'd persuaded me successfully.

Not long enough, not drunk enough and not enough food. We played a game called "Taboo". It was fun.

lolz mafia. str8 freshman orientation trip getting-to-know-you fun. even better w/ppl yr supposed to know and trust.

so far the highlight of the holidays was big dinner last weekend with parents and all the friends they used to live with, back in the 70s. we're getting all the good stories now that we're old enough, which is both O_O and LOLZ. plus J___ said I could have their record player and was free to ransack their vinyl :D :D :D

i got SO many parental drug stories last night

i conked out at midnight and woke up at 10am today

Just chilling.

Migraine coming on

No good parental stories but my aunt referred to meryl Streep as [dadrza's] old gf. LOL didn't know he had a thing for her!

Gr80 did you get to hang with kari?

everything was hunky dory until my aunt showed up yesterday, ugh she won't leave me alone... she grabbed my hair in the back to see if it was thick. wtf!! also just made a salad and she was hovering behind me and kept stealing bits of lettuce from the bowl! i wanna go home now.
also keep getting annoyed at my dad who is whiny, cant even pour a glass of water for himself and keeps listening to really bad country music loudly.

Sister has departed north to visit with brother & wife & family in michigan, parents have split for some exurban strip mall, house is quiet now. 3 more days here. I think i'll finally finish reading _Ubik_.

I think there's still half a case of beer around here somewhere, I'll have to find it at some point.

Gr80 did you get to hang with kari?

no she doesnt have family here anymore :(

(xxpost) "The Zap Gun" is a good PKD novel to read at Christmas

As that is too bad!
Xpost

Mandee my aunt said my hair looked thinner! What is it with aunts and hair?!

I am meeting up with high school bff tonight and she (v much in character) wants us to go to applebees or "Friday's" ugh.

On the way back to DC. Yay

attempting to get 8 people out of the house to go to a movie is like negotiating a war treaty.

...or herding cats. Persian cats. Lots of them.

man, i have it easy. sometimes i wish i had a bigger family, but then i realize how ridiculously low stress holidays are. right now, my major concern is keeping the 43lb puppy from eating a cushion.

I am having trouble getting my head around the idea of a 43 pound poodle.

our other one is about 65lbs!

they're macho.

Wow call me naive but I had no idea Gavin & Stacey and Mock The Week were so unfunny

I only mention this cos I have this uncomfortable feeling that my near-total lack of mirth while they were on is going to factor into being asked "are you OK you seem really down" or something to that effect in the next two days.

Listenig to my little brother talking about him and his pals' salvia trips was funnier, either way

Having found an excuse to escape home on Christmas Day night itself for the past four or five years, why in the fucking fuck does this country not run trains on Boxing Day?

no family drug stories (all the alkies are dead)!

We went to the submarine museum and squeezed through the Nautilus, the first nukular sub. Sister's friend's teenage goth son stayed in car and sulked (CLASSIC).

I'm having a great time but every year I'm surprised again at how judgmental family can be: like, can't you just fucking ask how we're doing without telling us we're doing it wrong?

Two things I realised:

1. Every important occasion in my life, including my birthday, is ruined by my loud bigoted family (probably explains why I hate important occasions)
2. All the tories are fat; all the people with a social conscience and a brain are not (one could tell from a photo which people are sledging gays/asians)

Next year we're spending xmas with 'er indoors's mum's family. There's one tory but he's at least moderate; the others are entirely pleasant. I can't wait.

(in another state)

Just thought I'd post this here: For anybody who needs a bit of cheap distraction for the next coupla days, there's a huge ass sale on games downloadable thru Steam:

http://store.steampowered.com/holidaysale/

You can get stuff like Bioshock for $5 or Railroad Tycoon for $3

watched some of "Jackass" marathon w/ sis

my stomach and intestines are crying due to booze/food....and it's a Saturday today...

Hahaha me too I have weird non-specific gut/chest pains. I'm staying in tonight tho.

last night stayed out till 6am making an Irish language cartoon in my friend's house, not sure why.

(xpost) rich food + booze = diarrhoea

back to NY at 1 so I can see Yo La Tengo tnite.

@ mall with mom lolz

Efforts to dissuade her from buying neon green track suit: failed.

Pls stop at Eddie Bauer for me if you would.