If you had to kill one comedian, who would it be?

I take it you mean 'one more comedian besides Dane Cook.'

I'll get in first with Jim Davidson while most of the other brits are asleep.

I was going to say easy-target Mencia, but yeah, you hit that one square on the head. xp

Michael Richards!

after watching the "gay roommate" bit on youtube, I second Dane Cook. I was gonna say Larry the Cable Guy.

Carrot Top (or Larry The Cable Guy).

Mencia or Carrot Top, def.

I remember when jon stuart punched andy dick because he blamed him for some girls coacaine addiction which killed her.

Dane Cook is a genius in comparison to Carrot Top.

wait... not jon stuart.. the short jewish guy from the critic show

lovitz

who blamed Dick for getting Phil Hartman's wife back on the Bolivian marching powder right before she killed Phil

This cries out for a poll. But Carrot Top fer sure, if you can accept him as a real comedian instead of a plasticene porter.

Carrot Top is a nice dude, and lends cigarettes.

I looked like John Lovitz in my first drivers' license photo.

Carot top may be a nice cigarette lender but he's SCARY.

Carlos Mencia. His outlooks on life aren't clever, insightful, or funny, and really if he didn't have an accent nobody would be laughing.

(that's not to say that's a bad thing inherently, but his comedy wears thin real fast)

I guess I'll go with Andy Dick.

-- CaptainLorax, Monday, January 7, 2008 9:52 PM (50 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I'm posting this to "quoted out of context"

I wld kill Mort Sahl bcz like some zen koan 'wld anyone care'? (NB I know he is dead.)

ahahahaha abbott wow

xpost - i am laughing re: driver's license photo

which you should find and post to lol high school

Carrot-Top would be more of a mercy killing, wouldn't it?

That's almost an Ambrose Bierce story right there, digging up the dead and killing them again.

i would have said carrot top, but everyone's saying that, so how about that "white trash guy"-- jeff foxbury or whatever?

The Cable Guy is SOOOO much more deathworthy than Foxworthy doing basically the same kind of schtick

pretty much everybody on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Damn is everyone going to say Carrot Top? Hell he isnt even a known entitiy over here and I was going to say him.

Andy Dick is indeed a dick, so maybe him. Esp if the hartman/coke thing is true.

Dave Coulier

You've picked 6, you murderous comedy buzzkill.

The ventriloquist with the racist puppets.

the hunger just won't leave me.

Unfortunately, the chances of Carrot Top killing you have to be considered...

The ventriloquist with the racist puppets.

-- Dan I., Tuesday, 8 January 2008 15:44 (5 minutes ago)

Rod Hull?

Carrot Top hasn't been the same after losing the Sissy Spacek lookalike contest under questionable circumstances...

horatio sanz

I looked like John Lovitz in my first drivers' license photo.

lol

though, slight disclaimer, if you said your drivers' license photo looked like any of the comedians named in this thread it would still be hilarious

has anyone else heard 'jeremy hotz'? i can't listen to this guy say more than one sentence

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ePazKStdNPw

i would only kill him if it were via drowning or else in a really loud place because i can't in my most horrible of nightmares imagine the noises this thing would make as it dies, if this is what he sounds like alive

Man, that's annoying.

(on the other hand: why isn't Emo Philips' voice a lot more annoying? Funnier material?)

ellen d-gen or teh seinfeld

Russell Brand, obv

ed byrne

i would consider Cath Tate, but this would just mean Tittybangbang getting bumped up to her old slot.

(not really comedians but) i can't decide between jonathan ross, paul ross or chris moyles. 2 of the nastiest male public figures around right now (not paul ross, he's smallscale but makes this list for his sheer wankerness). britain would be a much better place without these guys.

i don't care if chap's already killed jim davidson. i'd have another go at the fucker, just to make sure he was really dead.

funny to see ms tate on Big Train the other day, having an affair with a set of temporary traffic lights. in french.

Paul Ross I took an instant dislike to as he used to have a Police 5 type programme. The first part of the show was the usual "car burgs, cashpoint muggers" fair enough. The second part was stills from the Anti-Polltax Trafalgar Square incident and "who is this person? phone this number for a reward" bastardy. He stays on my anti-list until he explains/apologises for this.

What a family, eh?

Oh J is alright by me. we cool.

I think I prefer Paul

ricky gervais -- obviously there are worse comedians, but symbolism counts.

NI what's your beef with Jonno Ross?

i read a Jimmy Carr 'My Hols' thing in the paper the other day. he has had a great life and could go with a smile but i don't dislike him now.

dana gould. shitty, flop-sweaty standup who presided over some of the worst seasons of the simpsons. (but, really, dane cook.)

also, has there ever been a thread about why british people seem to hate all british comedians after they've been around for a while?

not that jimmy carr, catherine tate, etc, don't deserve it.

one more vote for dane cook

would be andrew dice clay, but you don't wanna kick a guy while he's down

it's dane cook. oh and how.

xpost SEE?

would be andrew dice clay, but the thread title specifies "comedian"

Oh, if Ricky Gervais counts (and that's without getting into 'never created comedy therefore cannot be comedian' debate) then I'll be the first in line to kill that fat fuck.

on the other hand

Andrew Dice Clay made a career out of being the most outrageous comic of his time. Before Chappelle, before South Park, Dice was shocking audiences - breaking the rules with a never-before-seen style of hardcore comedy. His rise to fame was meteoric - with sold-out arenas, platinum albums, and starring roles in films and TV specials. His fall was just as epic- blackballed by the industry and becoming the man to hate by every PC group in the country.

He calls himself the Rocky of Comedy, and now this heavyweight king of comedy is coming out of retirement to train for the greatest career move yet.

But Dice's controversial macho image often collides with Andrew's real family life, and the man behind all the limericks and leather is in a fight all his own. He's a devoted father of two teenage, rocker sons (11 and 16) dealing with a broken marriage and the challenges of middle age. And his new fianc.. Eleanor (Dice got engaged while he was still married, naturally) is just now realizing what she's gotten herself into. Not that she's a pushover. This South Philly girl is a former female wrestler who can dish it out as good as he can.

In the midst of it all, Dice is attempting what no comic has ever tried - to perform to a sell-out crowd in Giants Stadium. He's pulling out all the stops, attempting a multi-media blitz - getting his own radio show, writing a book, cutting a record, and trying to play the kinds of arena crowds that made him a legend. It's a tough road, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

And he's not alone in this quest. Dice's posse of friends and road crew are a loveable band of misfits. This "dysfunctional, middle-aged entourage" has been in Andrew's inner circle since the 80's - offering unwanted advice, messing up his plans, and offering the kind of shaky support that makes you appreciate why Dice gets so angry. But they keep his life on the edge of comedy - from Wheels, his ever-dieting lug of a buddy, to Todd, his quirky road manager, to "Happy Face" his stone-faced ninja body guard, to Uncle Lee, his doting mentor who spouts sagely advice at the drop of a hat.

The show is crafted around the highs and lows of Dice's personal and professional life as he fights to get back on top. It's an exciting, exhausting process that we see firsthand - training in the gym, trying out new material at local clubs, and struggling to get his management behind him.

Dice is a new take on celebreality, combining a real Rocky story with an original comic voice. Dice's mission to get back in the game is sometimes exhilarating, sometimes a train wreck, always honest. And you've just got to watch.

like a banquet of killability

would be andrew dice clay, but

someone explain me this plz

sorry, meant to italicize:

sometimes a train wreck, always honest

why british people seem to hate all british comedians after they've been around for a while

except the pythons, stephen fry, the two ronnies, eric and ernie etc etc ...

deep-rooted aspects of the national psyche aside, it's pretty much down to over-exposure of the new breed: i mean, you watch "peep show" or something and go, ooh, this is good; wish i'd listened to these two on the radio.

then "that mitchell and webb look" comes on and you think, yeh, good, that's funny too. and then david mitchell (or is he webb? you know the one i mean) crops up on some panel show that you didn't really want to watch, and you think, okay, nice to see him doing well but, you know, be good if his scriptwriters were on here too.

and then you can't move around the C4 digital channels without falling over repeats of "peep show" or shitty quiz shows with him boggling away like a moke. and he's one of the acceptable ones, because -- unless i'm missing something -- he doesn't do a lot of gossip-rag-friendly shagging etc.

small islands, piss-poor television, fear of innovation = unsurprising loathing.

also: can i add ben elton to my kill list? because, really, i used to love that dude. i grew up wanting to be him. but these days pretty much every word he writes is like a dagger to my heart.

Oh, if Ricky Gervais counts (and that's without getting into 'never created comedy therefore cannot be comedian' debate)

But Gervais is a stand up comic, surely there's no argument for his inclusion?

xposts: fuck me, "dice" sounds like foot-through-the-screen viewing.

xxp: that's kind of what i suspected, after thinking about how often people seem to get radio shows or appear on panel shows over there. alright, then.

"dice" sounds like foot-through-the-screen viewing.

you've never seen him? oh man... i guess we're going back a long way. it's beyond beyond. it's surreal. but sadly, not quite surreal enough to make you think he means it to be.

Ricky Gervais does not deserve to be in this list.

grimly you must be one of those PC guys who're always keepin the diceman down

also, has there ever been a thread about why british people seem to hate all british comedians after they've been around for a while

I think most of us don't wait around to hate them, they're so shite we hate them almost on sight.

Possible explanation for ubiquity of Mitchell, Brydon, Fielding, O'Briarn etc. on crappy quiz shows and similar: they take every offer their agent passes to them since they know they're not going to be in demand forever and presumably just want to maximise the income they can make while they're fashionable to prepare themselves for when the caravan moves on, so that they don't end up like e.g. Tony Slattery.

Can't really blame them if that's what they're doing but it's tiresome to watch.

It's kind of a footballer's way of thinking.

you've never seen him?

no: i know the guy. i'd just forgotten all about him, thank fuck. ISTR he would occasionally crop up on "edgy" C4 programmes in the UK in the late eighties or early nineties, being an absolutely loathsome tool.

xpost: yeh, heh, that's me. actually, damn, if i can take any credit at all for "keeping him down" (and i don't think sitting in front of the telly with my dad some 20 years ago going: "fuck me, this guy's shit, isn't he?" really counts, but hey) then rack it up.

I remember in high school a friend bought his big double album, and it came with a sticker that something like, "Warning: This album contains no jokes." Truest sticker ever.

I mean seriously, not even attempts. Like I said, very nearly surreal. Like, here's funny over here, and this guy's on some totally other shit.

It's kind of a footballer's way of thinking

this is an interesting point, and does suggest a lot about the desire for fame/desire to create dichotomy that (i thought) the xmas special of extras dealt with pretty bloody well.

the thing that springs to mind, of course -- and after this i really should get on with some work -- is: what's robert webb (or is he mitchell?) up to when his comedy pal's being intermittently half-amusing on shit quizzes, then?

Throwing beercans at the screen like the rest of us

i always thought he was the talented one.

Writing all the funny bits of Peep Show, probably. Mitchell is probably a good egg but once again proves that comic actors aren't the same thing as comedians.

Bernard Manning is already dead, and two people on this thread have already killed Jim Davidson. I can't make up my mind between Little or Large, because the thread title says "one", but it also says "comedian" so I suppose that neither qualify. So that leaves Jimmy Cricket:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/a4/Jimmy_Cricket.jpg/200px-Jimmy_Cricket.jpg
Not pictured, those "comedy" boots marked "L" and "R".
In the event that someone has already killed JC, possibly because he has the same initials as Jesus Christ, then I would pick that guy whose entire act is pretending that his microphone keeps cutting out. It would be easy as well, because he wouldn't be able to cry for help: "h..lp s.m..ne's tr..ng .o ..ll .e!"

But Gervais is a stand up comic, surely there's no argument for his inclusion?

I won't dispute the standing up part (bit average, through) but I'm still not sure about the comic part.

You're not seriously trying to tell me that Norman Collier is worse than, off the top of my head but take your pick of contemporary unfunny cunts, Frankie Boyle? (xp)

xpost: yeh, heh, that's me. actually, damn, if i can take any credit at all for "keeping him down" (and i don't think sitting in front of the telly with my dad some 20 years ago going: "fuck me, this guy's shit, isn't he?" really counts, but hey) then rack it up.

gotta be the MTV awards show, right? that was the one that convinced me there couldn't be anybody less funny

Norman Collier! Thank you for reminding me of his name - now I can look up his address in the phone book... I was on a retro tip there, so I wasn't thinking of modern comedians. But Boyle (butt boil?) is up there with the worst. The key difference with Boyle/Carr/etc. is that you hate them and so do your parents. Back in the day, you would have hated Collier et al, but your parents would have thought they were hillarious.

Dane Cook. hands down.

key difference with Boyle/Carr/etc. is that you hate them and so do your parents

Who likes them then? Apart from commissioning editors obviously...

Hate to kick a guy when he's down but, yeah, Dane effing Cook.

Dane Cook. hands down.

Alex I don't know if I ever mentioned this to you but sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great, you know? If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationSHIT!

that guy needs his ass kicked so bad

I would pick that guy whose entire act is pretending that his microphone keeps cutting out. It would be easy as well, because he wouldn't be able to cry for help: "h..lp s.m..ne's tr..ng .o ..ll .e!"

see, this post is actually funnier than ANYTHING IN THAT GUY'S ENTIRE ACT.

jimmy fucking cricket, too. good god. i hated him. he immediately makes me think of the grumbleweeds (i spent a lot of last night studying spreading activation models of cognition and memory, and that association makes a LOT of sense ... but floods my brain with some seriously depressing neurotransmitters, i can assure you).

Writing all the funny bits of Peep Show, probably. Mitchell is probably a good egg but once again proves that comic actors aren't the same thing as comedians.

i don't think either of them write PS, do they? armstrong and bain do, IIRC. not sure how much of the sketch show they wrote, but i imagine substantially more. either way: this does suggest webb has the good sense to know his limits, yes.

http://www.leftlion.co.uk/images/articles/jethro.jpg

Alan Carr's DVD was a top seller over Christmas.

Jethro is pretty much an irrelevancy though, you actually have to go out of your way to see his material and be offended by him.

HEY LET'S DO THE "SOME RACIST COMEDIANS HAVE GOOD TIMING" THING AGAIN.

i just posted Jethro for lols, don't hate him (barely aware of him as you say)

Harbajhan Singh to thread (xp)

xposts

i sat in a cafe next to frankie boyle a few months ago. he was surrounded by bits of paper, tapping away at his laptop, chortling to himself rather annoyingly. thing is, i couldn't work out who he was -- i thought he was just some knob i recognised from town, say -- so i spent ages furtively glancing across to work out who he was. which probably made me look like a deranged fanboy. bugger.

actually, i do think some of his act is quite amusing. sorry.

i don't have a problem with frankie boyle

Never seen his act, only his woefully unfunny appearances on telly

I like it when Frankie Boyle says "paedophile". In every gag.

yeah well he makes some people laugh

xp 15th time you've made that comment re Boyle

It's funny because it's true.

scottishcomiczings.xls

Come back Fred McAuley all is forg... on second thoughts, scratch that

McAuley and McCoist, now that was a TV show

Commissioning editors like Boyle because his act is predictable and safely offensive. You wheel him on and you know all he's going to say is "I'm Scottish, everything deep fried in batter, heart disease, alcoholism". Even on a topical news quiz he's not going to bust out with something genuinely on the edge.

grrrrr. it's MacAulay </angry sub, who still had to check that>

Fred MacAulay:
Rector of the University of Dundee 2001-2004

Preceded by
Tony Slattery

Succeeded by
Lorraine Kelly

I'd kill Ronnie Corbett just for shock value

Would that constitute being "safely offensive"?

They're repeating Corbett's mid 90s gameshow "Small Talk" on Challenge at the moment. That's some entertainment right there.

No one has mentioned Jim Breuer yet, so I will. Though most of the foax on this thread (like Cook, Mencia and Sanz) should probably go first.

I guess it would depend on whether or not he was expecting it. Next time you see the video for Peter Kay's version of "Amarillo", remember to make a shotgun noise just before Corbett falls over. (xxpost)

Falling asleep over Casino Royale for the millionth time over the holidays it was noticeable how Ronnie Corbett was one of the few genuinely funny people in it.

Has Vic Reeves ever been funny on any programme other than his own (feel free to amputate the second half of that sentence if necessary)? He was on one of those daytime cookery shows over Xmas and it was embarrassing watching him trying to come up with a quip or a wry witticism.

I bet Cameron will try to bag all this lot for the next Tory election rally...yes I can see Justin Lee and Alan C bounding onstage with their Tory Girl pal Carol Vorderman...

Also I was astounded to find that Fred Macauley still has a morning show on BBC Radio Scotland. I didn't dare give it a listen.

IT'S MACAULAY. CAP A, SECOND A.

:)

I wld kill Mort Sahl bcz like some zen koan 'wld anyone care'? (NB I know he is dead.)

That'd be news to Mort. (apparently I'm the only one besides Abbott who knows who Sahl is tho.)

http://www.mortsahl.com/

I'd kill most of the prez candidates before any comedian. First, minimize harm.

Vic Reeves seems curiously dull in real life (xxp)

He likes Henry Cow but that's not enough in itself to make a man.

I don't recall Freddie Macoli being especially concerned about the spelling of his name when he was starring in smash hit Channel Five quiz shows like Tibs & Fibs back in the day.

Has no one said Jimmy Carr? I feel disappointed in you!

Bring Me The Head of Light Entertainment, that was good.

sike.

Jimmy Carr hate is last year's thing. The more cutting edge among ILXORs might even profess to liking him these days.

everyone's a comedian

so, i don't know, osama bin laden?

Bring Me The Head of Light Entertainment was certainly one of the funnier programmes involving outrageous top Tory comic/KwikSave Stars In Their Eyes-ripoff presenter Graham Norton.

I do a really good impression of Graham Norton's fake laugh.

It's exactly the same as my impression of Alvin Hall's fake laugh.

I don't recall Freddie Macoli being especially concerned about the spelling of his name

nah, i don't think he is, the throbber. me, though: i'm a professional pedant and i'm bored.

And what of Carol Vorderman's fake laugh? My mum esp. hates that one. (xp)

(Vic Reeves) was on one of those daytime cookery shows over Xmas and it was embarrassing watching him trying to come up with a quip or a wry witticism.

-- Dingbod Kesterson, Tuesday, 8 January 2008 14:17 (20 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

Yeah, but to be fair, the first time he spoke, and every time after that, the presenter bloke was all "a hah ahahahah hahha oh your brain does not work in the same way as all of ours" which got more and more annoying, until towards the end Vic said something quite cutting and direct, but still on the side of witty (forget what exactly, somehing like "do you actually do anything here?")...

It is true that Vic had the squashed Bee Gee with which to contend.

Nice to see internationally renowned chef Linda Barker still earning a crust, though.

Dave Gorman.

Dylan Moran

Seconded.

Dylan Moran: C/D?

Russell Brand, obv

^^^ this

it would have been jim davidson but like, he's old now.

he's still alive, ken. that's what matters.

He's broke and living in Bahrain. Maybe he'll form a double act with his next door neighbour Michael Jackson which would give Hope and Keen a run for their money.

meanwhile, on the subject of comedians i'd like to immortalise: my mate just texted to say he bumped into alexei sayle in a gallery in liverpool.

which must have hurt.

"wot next?" adds my mate. "roger mcgough or yosser hughes?"

I saw David Mitchell the other day

don't tell me they've got you on the fucking panel shows too.

He was walking past Whitehall, so maybe he's gonna save the Labour party.

lol at the idea that David Mitchell doesn't vote Tory.

who cares who they vote for as long as they make with the laugh laugh

/\ pre-thatcher attitude to comedy

Dave Gorman: why? His Googlewhack Adventure is BRILLIANT

dave gorman has the best flickr

Is he funny? I don't know much about him.

He's not an actor, so that's one plus point in his favour

you probably wouldn't like him. he has done some acting of sorts (John The Postman in 24 Hour Party People).

he's not very funny

i remember drunkenly telling you that you should write comedy, ken.

you should. really.

uh

i've seen gorman live (in norwich! but this was nearly 8 years ago) and he was funny enough

Now can someone explain the appeal of Al Murray?

Gorman was the last "new" comedian I got excited about, but his schtick... if not wears thin, at least wears.

how do you define his schtick? 'lol internets'?

http://whatsupnyc.com/blog/archives/JimNorton.jpg

how do you define his schtick? 'lol internets'?

-- blueski, Tuesday, 8 January 2008 16:03 (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

lol nerd stuff. but nerd stuff that leads to ADVENTURES.

Like the Noize Bored, I suppose.

Speaking of "lol internets" comedy programmes, Lenny Henry has a new one out, "lennyhenry.tv", which in a perverse cyclical way has a website associated with it. It's sort of like that MC Escher drawing of the two hands drawing each other.

guess that's a full series following his lousy one-off 'introducing youtube clips most people under 40 had already seen 3 years ago' from the Christmas before last

Gervais struggling to name funny black comedians to Racist Cheggers while staring at photo of Henry may be funniest moment from Extras s2.

Unless he's doing Trevor McDoughnut and Algernon Razamatazz I have no interest

at least funniest that didn't involve Merchant and Williamson (xp)

margaret cho

did you know she was asian

i loved gorman's "lol there are other people in the world with the same name as me" thing.

i roflled.

yeah it was alright

it was the funniest thing since del fell on the floor at the bar

let's not go nuts

Isn't that guy Danny Wallace associated with Dave Gorman in some way?

apparently he was his flatmate

Poor sod

my god, my colleague JUST sent me this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

we have a winner.

as much as i hate Cook and Larry teh Cable Guy, i have to go with Mencia, because that's not his real name and he ISN'T EVEN MEXICAN!

mitch hedberg

funny

i cant believe someone said lovitz. lovitz rules.

joe franklin

NED HOLNESS

jo brand

We're forgetting someone...

http://www.noblepr.co.uk/Press_Releases/sonybmg/images/marcus_brigstocke_corduroy/admat_sml.jpg

http://www.maryphillipsdesigns.com/DSN/wwwmaryphillipsdesignscom/Content/Images/ritagraphic.jpg

Marcus Brigstocke should probably be tortured before being killed, tho.

So many good comedians on the chopping block.

I think I have to go with Peter Kay for just being a knob lately.

^^^ exactly - what the fuck was he doing on Parkinson? Twunt...

I can't believe they let him pull that crap. Either (a) it was planned ahead of time and just didn't play well or (b) he hijacked the show without any warning. Parky jumped in mid-anecdote to back-announce him, so (b) is more likely.

eh, what? missed this. tell more.

Parky's final (proper) show went like this: good guest, good guest, good guest, PETER FUCKING KAY, good guest, good guest.

Kay came on with a box of party hats and other pointless props, completely did a giant dog shit all over the show by telling really crap jokes and not letting Parky get a word in edgeways, and generally derailed what was to that point a genuinely enjoyable piece of television.

so if you can picture Billy Connolly, David Attenborough and Michael Caine on the set with Parky (all well into their 60s/70s), all completely overwhelmed by a rubbish Mancunian doing loads of yelling and tying party hats to their heads, you're halfway there.

my god, my colleague JUST sent me this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

we have a winner.

you may be right, although I did a reflex tab close after "infidel".

Being fairly young and British I had never seen Andrew Dice Clay in action, and, well, Jesus. I have no idea what was going on, but whatever it was it was really really terrible.

Everyone good has already been killed. I guess I'll go for Roy Chubby Brown.

xpost

that sounds deeply unfunny, totally shit and a really odd piece of guest-choosing -- i mean, is peter kay really up there with PARKY'S GRATEST MOMENTS?

shame, because i still maintain that the bit in max and paddy's road to nowhere where they steal the bus is fuckin' genius.

He was on because he did Parky's warm-ups before he was famous.

ah! hmph. uppity young upstart, etc.

Alan Carr's DVD was a top seller over Christmas.

The stop smoking guy? ????

Morbz, I had no idea Sahl was still alive! This is...AMAZING. Why isn't he still doing an act? They're still printing newspapers and all.

Everyone good has already been killed. I guess I'll go for Roy Chubby Brown.

-- Merdeyeux, Tuesday, 8 January 2008 21:01 (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

HE HAS GOOD TIMING

Actually, Marc Wooton is back on TV, so my vote goes automatically to him

Here is the Peter Kay / Parky clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV7QanPKFyI
I think I started hating him a few years ago, when I heard him start a joke with the words "My Nan's got Alzheimer's..."

Remember everyone, Peter Kay gets very very cross with anyone who implies he's a FUCKING MATERIAL HOOVER who takes other comics gags and MAKES THEM SHIT. Allegedly.

oh silly Abbott

I live in a place dedicated to farming pecans and green chiles and not one dedicated to awesome.

i'm watching the peter kay thing now. it's less offensively wacky than i feared, but scores 0 on the grimly funnees scale, so fuck it.

Shakey, I saw that Sahl show. It was not only mildy offensive in a misogynist way but mortally dull.

uh, it hasn't happened yet...?

(btw I'm not reppin for him, he's beyond boring)

I saw him at the Purple Onion last January or so. *Yawn*

the thing about "dice" that kills me is that it used to be a bit he did that was like the only popular bit he did, so he became it.

kind of like the cable guy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=VROn7ZvVoW8

surprised nobody has mentioned david cross yet.

I preferred the Purple Onion when it was a shitty dive club run by a dangerously unbalanced proprietor

Ha ha!

Dice is a good candidate though hardly fresh, and Mencia's death would hardly make me shed a tear (I feel all Shakey Mo, all of a sudden) but the one I consistently want to see publicly shot is Dennis Miller; he never fails to get on my nerves.

I don't think I will mourn the passing of Dennis Miller

funny
i cant believe someone said lovitz. lovitz rules.
-- sunny successor,

No one said lovitz. I mentioned him in regards to Andy Dick.

I thought Lovitz & Chevy Chase were the funniest people in the world when I was a kid. I watched "Funny Farm" until the VHS was basically unwatchable.

I haven't seen that, thanks for the Funny Farm recommendation.

I never got through all of Chevy's Flinch (partly due to me watching it with a foreigner who doesn't know what's funny besides Borat, Harold, & Kumar). I wonder if Flinch is funny and I should have gave it another chance. I'm spoiled with having seen every type humour imaginable, and sometimes the old movies just don't get me laughing... like my foreigner friend.

Fletch, and not really.

Watching his movies as a grown-up made me realize Chase is just a big ass but god I love Funny Farm still. Chase east so many balls in it.

Dennis Miller was a brain-fuck. He could only relate to 2.5% of the population.

Miller is smug, conceited and mean; my favorite kind of comedy.

oh Fletch is mildly amusing

Fletch does have some moments.

mild humour went out with last weeks trash

its funnier than fucking Borat, I'll say that much

Depends on who's fucking him, though

*rimshot*

Borat was so.....so-so.

Kay came on with a box of party hats and other pointless props, completely did a giant dog shit all over the show by telling really crap jokes and not letting Parky get a word in edgeways, and generally derailed what was to that point a genuinely enjoyable piece of television.

OMG i know a guy who comes to my parties a lot who kind of does just that and speaks about as loud.

but yeah this was a bit lame though it's like a crap episode of ali g or something.

do you guys hate it when people do borat imitations? i do.

i'm watching the peter kay thing now. it's less offensively wacky than i feared, but scores 0 on the grimly funnees scale, so fuck it.

-- grimly fiendish, Wednesday, 9 January 2008 09:37 (3 hours ago) Bookmark Link

It's more about this being the very very final episode ever in a 14 million year run of Parkinson, and Kay just bumbling in and showing off like a wanker.

Parky's a facking institution ffs. You don't walk into Vatican City and scream COCK at the top of your voice.

NI what's your beef with Jonno Ross?

-- blueski, Tuesday, 8 January 2008 12:40 (Yesterday)

mostly because he's such a fucking awful interviewer. he doesn't get anything out of his guests - every question is geared so it can spin round into another jonathan-ross-makes-funny gag. he's being set up as a new bbc institution in the making but he doesn't have the warmth of wogan or parkinson, his whole thing is to be self-centred and so rarely gets anything of interest from his guests, plus his jokes constantly fall flat. he obv think he's this well-loved character, so much that he can call his backing band 'poofs' and it's all ok because hey it's good old rossy, same applies to moyles here (though moyles ramps up the sneering and the spite to painful levels).

the example that springs to mind is ross interviewing russell brand a few months back, it was painful to watch. rather than let brand spiral off and do his own thing, ross was constantly interrupting and ruining punchlines - it was toddlerlike "no no everyone look at ME this is MY party" shit. then he started saying things like "a few months ago no one had heard of you...", an insanely rude to thing to say to any guest, nevermind it being wrong. the subtext through the whole thing was "remember ive been around longer than you so you'd better respect me". brand batted this aside unlike, say, professional leech gervais (who shares many of ross's "man of the people" delusions).

i'll add jimmy carr to my list too, and those friday night project guys. god, british comedy really is at an alltime low right now.

ha ha that all makes sense. i still kinda like Ross/the show regardless tho, altho he tends to be v unimaginative with the guests and will get the same people on twice within a year.

i never watched Parkinson because i got the impression he was too generous to guests, not necessarily sycophantic but bland even compared to Ross.

dunno if Ross came up with the Four Poofs And A Piano name himself or not but yeah he's v influenced by Gervais style humour inc. 'lol gays' and wants to demonstrate that. his desire to show he's down with trendy comedy borders on the Richard Madeley, but unlike RM, JR's exposure and ego from a colossal annual salary is much greater.

I like his show, but takes a certain type of interviewee to deal with Ross - mostly the stand up comedians who are used to handling hecklers. I remember when he was interviewing Bill Bailey while BB was demonstrating a theremin, and JR was all "oh it's just a prop, it doesn't really make that noise, it's a mobile phone in your pocket or something", and Bailey came back with "I'VE GOT A DOLPHIN BACKSTAGE, GOING WEEEOOOO WEEEOOOO!!! ARRGGGHH!!!".
At least Ross is doing less of the "I'm interviewing an attractive woman, so I'll say some mild innuendo, pause, and adjust my tie...".

Jay Mohr

i never watched Parkinson because i got the impression he was too generous to guests, not necessarily sycophantic but bland even compared to Ross.

Parkinson's particular skill is to get the guest talking, and he does so with very little effort. It's never about him.

My wife calls Ross 'The Rotorism Show.'

At least Ross is doing less of the "I'm interviewing an attractive woman, so I'll say some mild innuendo, pause, and adjust my tie..."

surely this isn't true?! i saw the girls aloud interview and that certainly had that uncomfortable vaguely flirty/sleazy edge. back to the r.brand interview, ross seemed quite intimidated by him, a bit panicky that this good-looking younger guy was coming on his show and stealing the show. it's as if he wants every interview to be a comedy double act with himself as top dog, and it rarely works.

its not even that im a big fan of parkinson and wogan, it's just that they knew how to interview someone properly, ross totally doesn't.

yeah it is def more about him than anyone else

(xpost) Well maybe it's just because most of the women he's interviewed recently would kick his arse. The GA interview was awkward, I'd forgotten. And also when he interviewed Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zellweger, JR was so patronising to her.
I like it when Ross interviews Jack Dee, because Dee just sits there and lets Johnny make a big fool of himself. Similarly with Dara O'Brien, one of the few guests who will tell Ross that he's full of shit.

Ó Briain can get away with that though, he's so cuddly and cheeky and lovable.

rrrrrrr... I've just seen a preview clip of that lennyhenry.tv programme, and he's co-hosting it with Patrick bloody Kielty!

Ó Briain can get away with that though, he's so cuddly and cheeky and lovable.

If only he could add funny to that list.

Not Katt Williams. He's fhilarious. Just found his YouTube clips and I cannot get over his marijuana monologue.

congrats on nobody saying passantino, that shows class

I almost did :(

The spitting image of Peter Kay is in my local shop ordering about six hamburgers.

http://i4.tinypic.com/10ii650.jpg

Marcus Brigstocke.

What's going on with the look on his face? Is he trying to look smug and surprised at the same time? I hate the way he'll make some really obvious joke like "Bush is stupid" or "John Prescott is fat" and then look really pleased with himself, as if he's made some genius insight.

http://www.marcusbrigstocke.com/pacman.asp

is this true?

Well he probably did write that one. But he should keep using it, if only because half the audience then think he's shit - which saves them the time of listening to the rest of his act.

i don't know wh0 all youse guys talkin bout
but after m. richards... gallagher fer sure

From a peee you are lee Australian perspective. Rove McManus mustn't broadcast anymore.

he is truly a "cunt"

Who the fuck is this Michael McIntyre and why is he suddenly on every crap ITV/C4 gameshow?

I don't know, but he's managed to sell out his show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival (as has Frankie Boyle - THREE NIGHTS! - and Russell Howard). Logic therefore = get yourself a good agent --> get yourself on shit telly ---> make lots of money off people recognising your name and going "oh, he's off the telly, must be worth spending lots of my hard-earned cash on".

I saw Michael McIntyre on HIGNFY or Mock The Week or something once. he wasn't very good.

It's just creepy that he suddenly turns up on every single one of these programmes in the space of about two weeks when I'd never previously heard of him.

I'm presuming that the Glasgow Comedy Festival is free of Andy Cameron/Johnny Beattie/Mr Abie/Jerry Sadowitz input?

Is Mr Abie even still alive?

http://www.michaelmcintyre.co.uk/images/Michaelnew1.jpg
^^^ this is the picture from the front page of his website. He's like an even more punchable version of Jimmy Carr. Or his younger, more stupid brother.

Just to clarify, that's Michael McIntyre.

this douche

http://images.broadwayworld.com/upload/19035/New%20Folder%207/91.jpg

oops

http://images.broadwayworld.com/upload/19035/New%20Folder%207/91.jpg

I'm presuming that the Glasgow Comedy Festival is free of Andy Cameron/Johnny Beattie/Mr Abie/Jerry Sadowitz input?

xpost, no, Jerry Sadowitz is playing. The rest of them, not that I am aware of. There is a Billy Connolly tribute act playing, which is all kinds of tragic.

Ah yes, Phil Kay.

Whatever happened to him?

Last seen by me crashing into his audience as part of a Hogmanay 50 Years Of STV "special."

http://www.michaelmcintyre.co.uk/images/Michaelnew1.jpg

i saw him just before xmas at the union chapel, as compere, and have to say that while he annoys me on tv, he was actually quite funny.

Phil Kay = least funny comedian I have ever paid money to see. He told some "amusing" anecdotes about his philosophy lecturer (later my philosophy lecturer) which were all "oh, but you had to know her to get what she was like" except I was probably the only person in the room who DID know what she was like and I was bored fucking rigid, everyone else just looked perplexed at why you would tell shit details like "oh, she used to wear this purple jumper" - um, why is that funny again, oh, yes, IT ISN'T.

Anyone hating on Russell Brand for being wibbly and overly flowery should really get a look at Phil Kay in order to see that at least Brand goes somewhere with his wibbling. Phil Kay just TALKS. And falls over.

He was a kind of forerunner of Russell Brand

Phil Kay was around the time when I AM IMPROVISING ON STAGE was a big stand-up meme, or as Stewart Lee said about Eddie Izzard "Just adding "ummm" before every sentence".

haha, I watched the Stewart Lee show where he said that the other night on the telly and was all OMG OTM! Except that Brand and Izzard have a point they um and er towards, Kay just fucking waffles like a man whose taking too many drugs and thinks he's all interesting and perceptive but he's really just the guy you want to avoid at parties/at the bus-stop.

It's the weird thing, usually the ummers (Brand, Izzard, Barrett) target their stand-up at teenage girls, so the umming and errring is a kind of "Awww, isn't he adorable/befuddled" thing. Kay looked like a tramp with AIDS though, so I have no idea why he was doing it.

Unless he did a lot of pills in the early 90s, which is probably the corret answer.

Eddie Izzard targets teenage girls? Do tell...

Is Dylan Moran an ummer?

He does that hand-waving thing which is a kind of physical ummm

Like, you're not Italian, put your fucking hands down trick.

Are there any Irish comics who aren't shite?

http://www.comedyonline.co.uk/comedy-images/dave-allen.jpg

Saw Phil Kay do unscripted stand up and Edinburgh once. The first fifteen minutes or so were OK, some good jokes, but then he just fell apart and it was fucking embarrassing. After ten minutes or so of failing to say anything vaguely coherent, let alone funny, he admitted he'd been drinking all day and begged the audience to let him have a ten minute break. We left.

Passantino's current favourite comedians: Dave Allen, Katt Williams, Beppe Grillo

Is Stewart Lee's material for his 41st Best Stand-Up Ever show as boring and weak as his Stand-Up Comedian show?

I don't know many Brit comedians, but who was that hack hosting the BAFTAs? Good God.

Was it Jonathan Ross? Smug unfunny cunt?

Carrot Top is horrible, but he can laugh at himself, and was really funny on the Flavor Flav roast.

Is Stewart Lee's material for his 41st Best Stand-Up Ever show as boring and weak as his Stand-Up Comedian show?

-- DavidM, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 15:15 (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I _really_ like Stand-Up Comedian, I just think "So, on September the 11th 2001" is the greatest opening line of any set ever.

It was Jonathan Ross, yes. He's not a comedian as such, and that stuff is scripted by a bunch of hacks anyway, isn't it?

(xpost, "that's November 9th, let's reclaim the calendar")

I don't know many Brit comedians, but who was that hack hosting the BAFTAs? Good God.

It was Jonathan Ross. Not strictly speaking a comedian, he hosts the BBC's big chat show at the moment (and their flagship film review show, just to make you more incensed).

xpost

As Viz correctly noted, the only reason to watch Friday Night With Jonathan Ross is to work out which of his guests Ross has wacked off over the press photos of.

He's worth a thousand journalists, you know. All British citizens run the risk of imprisonment if they do not pay the TV licence in order to subsidise his lifestyle.

Since no one has satisfactorily explained the appeal of Al Murray As The Pub Landlord I therefore endorse the call for his shooting, or at least his confinement to being Harry Hill's sidekick since he was quite good at that.

that "adjusting his tie" thing he does is a sure-fire giveaway though.

xpost, yes, Al Murray might be running Phil Kay close, though I would give Murray the benefit of the doubt because he does have a "point" to his act, albeit a ridiculously unfunny stereotypical point of something that doesn't actually even probably exist. Al Murray, Cab Driver would probably be a better vehicle for "lol people say the stupidest things", wouldn't it?

How many Cockney Wankers do we need on our screens at one time anyway?

I mean, no-one would go into Al Murray's pub, but you couldn't avoid being in his cab if he turned up to pick you up.

xpost to myself

you know who is a very very funny stand up? chris addison, out of the thick of it.

The dude that used to host dot.comedy?

that "adjusting his tie" thing he does is a sure-fire giveaway though.

-- ailsa, Tuesday, 12 February 2008 15:27 (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

The Dita Von Teese interview was painful because of this. Is Jane Goldman frigid, why is this man such a progenous onanist?

I don't get Al Murray either. I have never seen a pub landlord who is anything like that. It's the kind of character that could be just about pulled off as a series of short sketches, maybe, but no way as the basis of a whole comedy show.

Also from the evidence of recent newspaper interviews Murray seems to be starting to believe some of the rubbish his "character" spouts.

that's him. he was quite amusing on HIGNFY once. his website seems shite from the front page - is this a fair way to judge? he does have that cute appeal-to-sensitive-girls look about him though, which sustained the likes of Sean Hughes through years of not actually being very funny

xpost about Chris Addison.

As a Bothwell lad I attest that The Pub Landlord wouldn't last two seconds in the Camphill Vaults of a Friday evening.

Somebody should put Louie Anderson out of his misery.

am going to vote johnny vegas,

Larry the Cable Guy

andy dick is sorta a waste of a murder imo...how many more years does that guy have anyway?

and plus his accidental death is inevitably gonna be funny...falls off a cliff on a cocaine binge? chokes to death on cough syrup? something to do with animals and sex? but the only way we can find out is if captain lorax doesn't kill him.

lol @ u

obv the ventriloquist

what if he haunts the dummy? you should just kill all his dummies.

michael mcintyre, assuming rodney dangerfield is long dead, that is.

Michael Mcintyre is often intensely annoying. Sometimes he hits gold but most of it is cringe-worthy. He did that road show thing and performed the intros, right? He was the worst part.

he's the uk cable channel equivalent of 'yesterday'- mf-er is on air non-stop, and he's not as funny as your average class clown.

For me it would have to be Jeff Dunham. The several hours I spent on a bus in Cuba being forced to endure his routine constitute a form of cruel and unusual punishment that no one should ever have to go through.

is this a democratic thing, or do we all get to kill one comedian each?

The killing of Jeff Dunham is OTM. I try not to be too judgmental about people, but if they say something like, "Have you seen that video on Youtube called 'Achmed the Dead Terrorist'" it is a dealbreaker of respect.

Especially if they start quoting it!

For me it would have to be Jeff Dunham. The several hours I spent on a bus in Cuba being forced to endure his routine constitute a form of cruel and unusual punishment that no one should ever have to go through.

― The New Dirty Vicar, Wednesday, May 26, 2010 7:28 AM (3 hours ago) Bookmark

wow castro has got some crazy ideas these days

xps Michael Mcintyre has made it to the States? Sorry.

I try not to be too judgmental about people, but if they say something like, "Have you seen that video on Youtube called 'Achmed the Dead Terrorist'" it is a dealbreaker of respect.

Yes. It's like someone saying "You know on Top Gear..." - NO, I DON'T...

I don't really think any of these people deserve to die though. Some light torturing maybe.

the fact that a ventriloquist comic can make a living in america is proof that not enough kids are getting the shit kicked out of them in high school

The problem is, if Jeff Dunham died, I don't know that anyone would notice, as his soul already has been programmed into Youtube.

ban youtube

is this a democratic thing, or do we all get to kill one comedian each?

Nooh, for the number of people here, we'd be getting down to having to get someone to kill Bill Hicks.

Oh, yeah..

OK, Alexei Sayle, then...

kill bill hick's delivery, maybe.

oh fuck alexie sayle ben elton double header execution YES

Ben Elton is not a comedian.

michael mcintyre, assuming rodney dangerfield is long dead, that is.

rodney dangerfield was amazing, you fool.

might change my vote to seinfeld just for that

rodney dangerfield was amazing, you fool

^^^real talk

he's up there with Richard Pryor and Steve Martin in the Standup Comedy Gods Chuckle Hut of Fame

Still Al Murray. Or Dylan Moran.

might change my vote to seinfeld just for that

Seinfeld is one of my favourites TV shows but i hate seinfeld's stand-up.

standup or sitcom, just want dude expired tbrr

well this is a jovial thread

http://imgsrv.wbcn.com/image/wbcn/UserFiles/Image/unfunniestcomic(2).png

Dane Cook ended up "winning" this thing. Ironically, the actual competition, itself, was pretty unfunny as well.

if you had to embezzle a bunch of money from one comedian, who would it be?

half brother guilty of stealing millions from dane cook

this thread poses a question that needed to be asked.

http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/dailyloaf/files/2009/03/gallagher11.png

v.

http://www.allvegasdeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/carrot-top-main.jpg

imo

carrot

i feel bad for carrot top, i don't think he's worthy of death

why do you feel badly for him?

serious question, sort of.

this thread revive poses a gallagher vs. evil twin gallagher question, respectfully

carrot top is just kind of pathetic -- he doesn't encourage racism like jeff dunham, or homophobia like larry the cable guy, or misogyny like dane cook -- he's just a dude with a shtick who has to flog that schtick all he can so he can pay his mortgage

altho it was hilarious at whatever comedy central roast he was at when he got legit butthurt over all the zings

his prop act is just beyond bad

Comedians are mostly awful. Ed Byrne possibly the worst...

Just want to kill Greg Fitzsimmons. That is all.

dangerfield still alive?

michael mcintyre got years left in him, i'll do him instead

follow-up to my comment 2 years ago: moyles is still #1 on the list but i'll remove the rosses and add a corden

can't kill carrot top because then you couldn't use him as a non-sequitur prop a la
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVHAd3jwZy0

**warning: this only works in the capable hands of Z. Galifinakis. most dudes using carrot top as a punching bag are rarely funnier than the carrot man himself.

anyway, i'm going to go with Jeff Dunham

dangerfield still alive?

No, he died. BUT ARE YOU SAYING YOUR CHOICE OF A COMIC TO KILL WOULD BE THE GREAT RODNEY DANGERFIELD? Madness, y'all.

well, not now, that would be a waste of a good pick.

::rolls out a trunk onto the stage::
"How about some carrot top humor"
BOOOOO
::pulls carrot top's head out of the trunk::
WOOOOO!

I feel like Gallagher and Carrot Top are pretty easy to avoid, it's not like they're ever on TV anymore.

I'm uncertain whether I would be interested in murdering someone because their comedy displeases me.

hm. perhaps you haven't seen gallagher's "act."

Carrot Top is so much better and so much less reprehensible than Gallagher.

yeah, i mean gallagher's whole act is predicated on racism, homphobia & hardcore xenophobia

i vaguely remember that, but what's seared into my head is his lame "smashing watermelons" routine.

destroying good produce is the worst crime of all

if you had to embezzle a bunch of money from one comedian, who would it be?

from wikipedia:

"Leno reportedly earns $32 million each year; his total net worth is unknown, but has been estimated to be at least $150 million or more. In an interview with USA Today, Leno claimed that he has never spent any of the money he's made from The Tonight Show, and has always lived off of the millions of dollars he makes each year from performing stand-up"

dude wouldn't even miss it if I took $6 mil or so

always hoped one mutant melon would rise up and smash gallagher's head.

like the classic .gif from scanners.

Directly below that Wikipedia entry I quoted is a "charity" section that refers to two 100k donations he's made over the last decade. I'm sure he's made more, but its pretty damn lol following his "I will be buried with the money I'll made sucking wind at 11pm for two decades plus"

the full USA today quote:

"I had two jobs as a kid, one at a fast-food restaurant and one at a Ford dealership. And I'd put the money from one job in one pocket and spend it. And the other paycheck I'd save," he says. "I do that now. I have always banked my Tonight Show money and lived off the stand-up. I have one credit card, no mortgage, and I don't lease."

Any plans for his Tonight Show windfall? Leno leans over a stack of papers, pretending they're bank statements. "I suppose I'll just look at the number one day and go, "Oooh, that's pretty neat,' " he says. He says he has set up foundations that donate to a range of charities but then closes the book on the topic.

jay "big jaw" leno would be in my top-5, too.

reading that usa today article, kinda amazing how this guy can show off his ginormous collection of expensive cars and motorcycles to a reporter and think its a good idea to point out how cheap and penny-pinching he is otherwise. Plus he's talking about how he doesn't even need this Tonight Show money to live...only to wind up clinging to NBC like a desperate leech.

you can't kill these comedians, cuz i THINK they're all dead now! I think I can identify all but one (it ran in the NYT obit for one, which means it may not embed).

http://static01.nyt.com/images/2015/06/30/arts/30carter-2-obit-web/30carter-2-obit-web-articleLarge.jpg

Bill Burrrrrgh