What do you do to help anxiety?

weeeed

right

i mean it helps for me. i had a prescription for xanax once but i never got a refill

bathe

breathe deep. exhale slow. repeat.

remember my name is not "Brigadier Pudding"

haha

i try to analyze it, keep in mind that it's "useless", think of how great a life i have, remember that my fears don't "help",...

i also masturbate furiously watching cars being washed with honey.

some of this may be false.

sort everything into what you can and can't control, stop teh worrying about the latter, the end.

yeah i think about the control thing too. it's like, okay, that happened. it can't unhappen.

lol stevie

And what are you anxious about in general

What other people think of me. Being "judged". Sadly/comically/tragically, at my relatively advanced age, I still have not gotten over this. I imagine if I were suddenly saddled with big responsibilities in life, like say, raising kids, then that would become immaterial in an instant...but in the meantime, I too often have the self-consciousness of a middle-school student.

Also really beautiful things make me anxious. Seriously. Like I feel overwhelmed by the grandeur of dramatic landscapes. I probably lack a sufficiently ground sense of self.

omg dell i'm totally there... the judging thing, esp.

"grounded", rather

oh and really beautiful people make me anxious as hell

Drink.

Sleep, shower, make sure I've eaten. Mostly I find that the world is very different when I'm clean and healthy.

But also drink.

oh and really beautiful people make me anxious as hell

At my worst. At my best all the neuroses melt away, and I understand what it's like to be normal human being who doesn't agonize over what is essentially ridiculous shit.

mine doesnt need any help

cleanliness perks me up like no other -- everything is different!

it's funny, some ppl pay attention to their bodily needs so much more than others (eating, sleeping, etc). i'm not SUPER attentive to that. like if i'm feeling down sometimes, even if i'm about to break my neck at the computer and i haven't eaten in hours, i'll just assume the problem is in my head...

oh dell i get in my "people make me nervous" moods way too often for comfort. i hate that.

Drink.

Problems: I am one of those people, who, even at my most drunkdness, still feel shy around people. Or else in my boozy state I start to get sad superiority complex, which is obv. self-defeating and silly.

Also, how do I shot job interviews while drunk?

Obv. I should be taking latest SSRI drugs. I don't know.

dell you should post to WDYLL :p

Problems: I am one of those people, who, even at my most drunkdness, still feel shy around people

Well, actually it's not that bad, but, still, I can't talk to random strangers the way that I would like to. At odd moments I get paranoid and think that I am a psychopath or something, but then I remember that one of the defining characteristics of classic psycho-sociopaths is that they are immune to anxiety (I think esp. social anxiety)

meditation is very helpfull.on regular basis.
and,of course,cognitive psychology therapy.

dell you should post to WDYLL :p

Y'mean to boost my ego or something? 'Cause that's the thing, I have reasonably realistic enough self-evaluation to know that I am a good-looking person, but that matters fuck all if one has neurotic jumping beans flashing around the synapses.

right, like angelina jolie in Girl Interrupted :-)

dell ur cracking me up

Zeno OTM w/cognitive psych. Challenging thoughts, etc.

I'm kind of lazy, though!!

I didn't see the movie; quickly, what was the deal w/Angelina's character?

dell, we just want to oogle you :)

Top worry categories in order of appearance:

1. low-level free-floating anxiety (never far away)

2. Disabling flush-inducing intense 'shame flashbacks' to events which can be major or minor and recent, medium past or long-time past.

3. specific worries: e.g. health, work, finance

4. persistent belief/mental reminder that sub-consciously I am a malicious, though not evil, person

Palliatives: alcohol, hot baths, workaholicism

2. Disabling flush-inducing intense 'shame flashbacks' to events which can be major or minor and recent, medium past or long-time past.

omg all the time

main anxiety: not achieving anything in life, quelled by: getting involved

"I'm kind of lazy, though!!"

there are some good books that can help to a certain degree (though less efficiency than a 1-on-1 therapy probably)

I didn't see the movie; quickly, what was the deal w/Angelina's character?

-- dell, Thursday, 10 January 2008 10:08 (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

good-looking, crazy

bob we need to talk. i think that's like my life that u just listed.

angelina jolie was a twisted sociopath who had like no compassion for anyone else.

girl, interrupted

I have pills for that.

she was soooo hot in that movie btw

who, whoopi?

hahahaha yes

jogging

But Laurel, others OTM regarding eating, sleeping, etc.

A big part of me is pretty sure that long-term anxiety issues are something that are difficult to address w/o attending stubborn psychophysical issues via yoga, massage, tai chi, bodywork, etc.

Weed maybe fits into that category, but I am one of those people for whom smoking tends to exacerbate anxiety.

In TCM alcohol is said to alleviate anxiety b/c energy blockages are temporarily unblocked...but key word there is "temporarily". The following day your gall bladder meridian is left all out of sorts...

good-looking, crazy

famous dell moment:

friend: yeah, we were talking to so-and-so and your name came up. "Oh, that's the guy who's hot...but weird."

PROOF plz

main anxiety: not achieving anything in life, quelled by: getting involved

You idiot-- "not achieving anything in life"-- dude, don't you attend the UK equivalent of a ivy-league school in the states??!! Bugger you.

Hmm, dell, unless yoga, massage, tai chi, bodywork are your thing, I don't know that I'd say that. (They are not my thing at all. It is cool if you enjoy them.)

Studies have found that the most effective treatment plan for a person is the one they choose themselves. So if I had to do tai chi I would feel even lamer because "not even THIS is working for me there is no hope for me." If that makes sense.

If I were to smoke weed like carne asada says, I would have a hideous anxiety meltdown (this happened on xmas for me actually!).

The mistake too many people make once they get to Oxbridge is thinking "This is it, I'm made". I'm projecting, of course; many of them ARE made in the way they want, but what matters to me - definitive artistic statements, and actually touching peoples' lives in a profoundly positive sense - are things that have of course eluded me thus far. What I'm trying to do is give myself as much chance as possible of making such a statement. And if I fail that, to be a sports commentator or something. :D

I don't hold with 'prestige education' as a mark or even a means to success. You gotta keep working at it. People even who didn't go to college, they have it in themselves just like the rest of us.

PROOF plz

Ha, I swear, I do not own a digital camera and furthermore, my cellphone is such a dinosaur that it lacks picture-taking abilities. Nor do I have a scanner, etc. But this wknd I will sort that and post a picture to satisfy your salaciousness. All you have to be leery of is that I will pull a Luna trick...and all that I have to worry about is that Heave Ho or some similar will turn my life into living YTMND hell.

All you have to be leery of is that I will pull a Luna trick

what, from the underwear thread?

Studies have found that the most effective treatment plan for a person is the one they choose themselves. So if I had to do tai chi I would feel even lamer because "not even THIS is working for me there is no hope for me." If that makes sense.

Can't argue with that one bit, esp. if anxiety stems from living up to others' expectations or denying essential parts of one's self, which I reckon it does in large part.

For me, anxiety manifests itself in such a somatic way, (like muscles locked up, etc.) and I feel I can recognize how much of that is related to stagnant or repressed emotional energies inside of me, that the above posted by me makes sense. For me. But again, I am lazy, so I am a bad example on that front as well.

Jgo, I think I understand what you are saying...but you seem like a genuinely great person, w/the perhaps added benefit that you are not terrified of other people, so I have no doubts that you will, erm, "go places", and then some.

All you have to be leery of is that I will pull a Luna trick

what, from the underwear thread?

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!!

Actually the best thing I have to help me through anxiety or any other burdensome emotional/mental blargh is just being rational. Rational explanations, helping wipe some of the worry away.

Serenity prayer kind of shit, too. I do think it is good advice & a good way to curb undue worries.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Effexor has worked wonders for me. I also have a prescription of Ativan on hand but rarely take it. I am going to try yoga soon but, like Abbott, I'm not really sure it that'll be my sort of thing. I've become pretty good at recognizing my anxiety and again like Abbott, using rational explanations to talk myself out of attacks.

aw cheers dell! you're a fairly major dude yourself, if i ever visit the states i'll try and organise a big 'hoos, NYC, dell, curt1s etc' MEGAFAP.

erm, i'm not terrified of other people unless they happen to be cute young ladies, and more to the point cute young ladies who seem to have an interest in me. :(

That's not anxiety! That's twitterpation!

diet and exercise is a really good place to start from, i think. it probably won't 'cure' your anxiety but it will give you the energy you need to tackle it. i've recently cottoned on to the fact that my really shitty diet is largely responsible for the anxiety and lack of motivation i've been feeling for awhile (one can only survive on peanut butter and toast for a certain amount of time).

louis is a prime example of how anxiety severely affects a wide range of people - it's not just the timid, bookish-looking types mincing round like they're about to get thumped in the head. even the most confident and outgoing of people suffer from it.

well put it this way: i will HAPPILY strike up a conversation on a train with ANY sort of stranger, i will NEVER get caught short at a party or whatever with no acquaintances, because within 5 minutes i will be on 'so what did you think of X movie' terms with about 10 people. but faced with a cute girl who obviously digs me, i'll be all "muttermutteryeahthebooksarehandedbackoverthereyeah", before it occurs to me 10 seconds later that i should have prolonged the convo. hopefully that's the last time i make THAT mistake. won't be.

it's not just the timid, bookish-looking types mincing round like they're about to get thumped in the head

this was me until approx. this time last year

enough o' my problems, they ain't worth jack.

except YTMND.

xpostsss

erm, i'm not terrified of other people unless they happen to be cute young ladies, and more to the point cute young ladies who seem to have an interest in me.

You seem to possess enough self-awareness to be aware of the silliness of that, but at the moment I lack the mental jujitsu advice to offer suggestions of how to get around that. You can prob'ly figure it out on your own, though...

I'd add that most real-life social situation you may find yourself in are not gonna be anywhere near as harsh as your ILX initiation. At any rate, people may always have their own deep and ultimately mysterious motivations for rejecting your personal presentation. You can obsess over that shit until the end of time, but it likely won't prove particularly profitable.

Don't be afraid of "failure" in the social sphere, or of awkwardness or whatever. Perfectionism in any realm of life is silly. Furthermore, I will try to follow my own advice here...

i had a prescription for xanax once but i never got a refill

loser

Maybe just tell her that you're at a loss for words because, um, you think she's really cute?

yeah louis, i think your awkwardness with the ladies is something you'll 'grow out of' - not meant in a patronising way, just that you're young and the more experience you have the easier it will get, esp considering the general social ease you have in other irl situations.

Serenity prayer kind of shit, too. I do think it is good advice & a good way to curb undue worries

Yeah, agreed. I think worrying is largely a waste. But in my case, at least, I have subconscious worries at work which won't necessarily be addressed by that. How to deal with that stuff is the rub.

sounds trite, but with mild anxiety it helps to put your problems in perspective with 'the grander scheme of things'; they then seem a little less overwhelming.

Haha except with me bcz then I'm like, "All the universe is full of deathly, unstoppable woes" bcz I am a depressio.

dell + just1n3, had i had a second's time to think i would have asked her about her studies and told her she was gorgeous, just like i'd been mentally rehearsing*. next time it will all be right. i swear. but the girl probably won't have such a totally knock-dead smile. :(

perhaps this should go on BRAGGING '08 thread (which doesn't exist) but i've never had a permanent falling-out with anyone i've spoken to face-to-face for over 5 consecutive minutes (and only like 1 or two fallings-out ever, all of which are only perpetuated by the other guy), and i've never borne a grudge. the reason i was so completely bemused by my first few months on ILX was that such uncompromising hatred could be aimed my way. of course, i go back and look at posts - any post - i made between july '06 and like april '07 and am all "LOL RETARD!!". :D

*almost certainly the biggest problem is thinking too much

it'll take a few more failed attempts by my reckoning, but eventually (in the near future) you'll manage to get there and it the terror will be worth it. either that or some ballsy girl will do all the talking. i have faith!

Maybe try to articulate your problems to a person neutral enough not to judge you, or what I do is go to the gym, there's just something comforting about being in open spaces with lots of people. I tend to be both claustrophobic and agrophobic dependant on how alone I feel. It doesn't kill the anxiety but it takes it away from the immediate forefront of your mind. It sucks.

Someone upthread mentioned impossibly beautiful ppl making them anxious; Ifind myself in the rather odd position of sometimes feeling a little anxious/stressed about my own partner, because he's so ridiculously attractive and has had some pretty damn hot gfs before - and every time I've dated someone that hawt, things have gone south rapidly for various reasons. I know I'm in a good relationship and ive been friends with this guy for YEARS, so wtf am I freaking out for. Grrrr.

the reason i was so completely bemused by my first few months on ILX was that such uncompromising hatred could be aimed my way.

ILX seems to be a weird culture. I'm sure there are any number of examples of people who were jerks to each other here and then hit it off just fine when face-to-face.

of course, i go back and look at posts - any post - i made between july '06 and like april '07 and am all "LOL RETARD!!". :D

Feel free to judge yourself as such...however I'm sure you are far from alone in the contingent of people who feel sheepish about their earliest posts being immortalized here. Heck, I feel kinda dumb about posts that I made just today, and I've been posting here for at least a couple of years.

i thought you were a 2007 arrival! 2007 was definitely your emergence, if not your debut.

hey, i'm fine with the fact i was a bit foolish in my early postings; ilx is a fucking intelligent, demanding webforum as compared to any other i've been on or seen. you can't get away with any sort of lazy thinking. this is a good thing, and it's helped me, i can honestly say, in real life as well as online. what gets my fucking goat is when people continue to judge me on shit that went down in the past. everyone can change, everyone's redeemable. i'd go as far as to say that if PEW came back and said something sensible (not that this would happen, but we're in the world of hypotheticals), i'd expect it to be treated like a sensible comment by, say, nabisco.

I'm sure there are any number of examples of people who were jerks to each other here and then hit it off just fine when face-to-face.

lol i met enrique and guess what? he's a dude and we got on really well!

I have never looked to ILX as some sort of palace of intellectual rigour. In fact time away from this place gives me perspective to realise how bitter and entrenched in opinion many ppl are on here.

Which hey, you know, critics. Thats what they do I guess.

everyone can change, everyone's redeemable

I agree almost without qualification. Plus, I even appreciate people who I feel are jerks a great deal of the time. The trick is in applying that sort of perspective towards mahself.

In fact time away from this place gives me perspective to realise how bitter and entrenched in opinion many ppl are on here.

Trayce, you so crazy p

anxious: risk of being a failure. what if I'm a bad person. negativity/dislike of others is wrong. relationship failure, was that my fault? insignificant displays of authority towards me, no matter how long ago, I still find myself thinking "fuck that person", procrastination and wasted time, feeling of life slipping by quickly.

so all the usuals then!

Oh and as for what I do to help. Shower, DJ for an hour or two, have a big cup of decaf Earl Grey, play videogames, go out, read a book, all of the things you do for fun help! Maybe even do some work!

Best thing my mum ever said to me when I was fretting over what people think of me: "stop worrying what other people think of you - no one thinks of you at all, everyone's too busy worrying about themselves".

wow, Ronan, you covered all the bases comprehensively for me!!! Cheers!

That is, as far as causes go...

The difficulty of working out whether someone (incl. yrself) is looking at something fairly or with bias is what makes this place so demanding, Trayce!

Fair point that.

Zeno OTM w/cognitive psych. Challenging thoughts, etc.

I'm kind of lazy, though!!

-- dell, Wednesday, 9 January 2008 23:07 (Yesterday) Link

THIS x 10000000000. Sort of a chicken/egg bootstrapping problem.

i had a prescription for xanax once but i never got a refill

WTF!?!?!

oh and lexapro will fix all of the above in about 7 days

eenhh didn't work for me. same for wellbutrin and zoloft. XANAX works though! Valium even better! Can't get anyone to prescribe them anymore.

Worked for me.

Oh, anxiety! I have this. Would anyone like to take mine? I'm giving it away free!

There are a few little sayings that help me, most notably "I can choose peace, rather than this," and "If I can do something about it, it's not worth worrying about. If I can't do anything about it, there's no point in worrying about it." My psychiatrist also suggested wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it whenever I started to obsess over something. There is always deep breathing, watching adorable movies, and reading. But ultimately it's medications that do the best to calm me down, as bad as that probably is.

i've had this something awful lately. hot baths, taking a walk out in the woods and just sitting on a rock or something (i had a deer approach me yesterday!), driving, trying to figure out all the different settings on my digital camera.

the rubberband thing is interesting, i've heard it from a few ppl. mostly i think that would just be annoying, and i also think rubberbands are pretty gross.

ryan that sounds so nice! i love when the woods creatures trust me ;-)

it was nice! felt like a sign or something....

the worst for me is that if i get this bad i can't eat at all...i've lost tons of weight in the past very fast.

I have eating problems, too. I'm gonna turn out like Vini Reilly, sans the musical talent.

I am dude who has eating problems, but unlike most of the literature on the subject, I am heterosexual who could care less about body image...I would actually welcome being pudgy or whatever. It's just that if I am emotionally upset about stuff, I can't eat.

And sunny successor's/Treppel's advice is likely good, but I would rather complain on internet and self-medicate rather than delve into sssssri's

so fuck me.

the problem with having appetite dysfunction when you're anxious is that it feeds into the vicious cycle - the less you eat the less energy you have to battle the anxiety. i get the same thing too. a few years ago i had a particularly bad attack that lasted about week, and i literally ate nothing for about 8 days and just drank tea. luckily i have a very hearty constitution (and was also carrying way more than a few extra pounds of flab at the time) so it didn't take too much of a physical toll. but it made me MENTAL. if you can't get food into your mouth (i physically couldn't bring myself to do it) then at least drink a ton of protein shakes and that kind of thing.

hmm... i mean, i get the no-eating thing when i'm anxious, definitely. but a lot of the time the anxiety kind of turns into a bout of depression, which is when i eat like everything. so it kind of evens itself out, i guess??

noted. okay, I couldn't go for eight days. ow. but i know intimately what you're saying as far as not eating making one mental. same as not moving...lack of sleep...

but, yeah, point very well taken.

exercise. play guitar (poorly).

that's great advice about protein shakes...i can usually gulp one down no matter what.

when i'm so stressed my head starts to feel hot and pressurized what really works is extreme, extremely loud noise or metal music, and sometimes I have to play like three different songs at the same time to kind of obliterate my consciousness for a bit until my head cools down. i'm happy with the way my body's wired for stress (eg. i actually can't drink, do drugs, or eat unless I'm pretty happy) but it gets annoying and it took me a long time to stumble on this coping technique. meditation works for me later on but not while in the thick of things.

haha don't know it comes of as novel to me, i'd imagine this is a pretty common technique for people who listen to those genres on a regular basis

don't know why it comes off as novel to me

hello Surmounter

hit the bottle?
live inside your head?
find coping strategies?
push people away?
isolate yourself?

human social interaction helps, its an awful paradox of course for the anxious, wanting to isolate themselves while yearning for connection. no easy fixes,no fixes at all rly, who knows what has shaped us, theres half my problem-the hoary nature/nurture and constant identity mindfucks of the self but more importantly do mortal sins leave a black stain on my soul?

something to take your mind off it. I know it sounds easy and maybe contrived but heck it works for me, a bloody good busy day at work can sort me out loads.

That and an evening watching box sets of my favourite sitcoms soothes me no end.

Depends on the kind of work day. A productive busy day is good. An unproductive stressful day spent dealing with shitflingers is bad.

main anxiety: growing up, school, sex life

things i do to make myself feel better: nap, study/do homework (always the hardest, always makes me feel the best), eat, vent to friends, call mother, CLEAN ROOM

Basically what I'm saying is that generally I can keep my anxiety under control, but stress )mainly from work) erodes that ability. So my strategy for dealing with anxiety is dealing with the cause(s) of the stress first.

ah cleaning room is a good one, also similarly rearranging house furniture can help.

ilx: curing anxiety since 2008
http://www.enforcedfeminization.biz/pretty-maid-crossdresser13.jpg

jordan, calling your mom!! my bf is like that. it's weird cuz i always know that after i talk to my parents i'll feel better, but i never really wanna call anyone that much. i like the phone, but it also makes me anxious.

omg that is ridiculous Kiwi... i definitely do the cleaning thing tho! (i just did) if my house isn't clean i can't function.

oh -- PLANNERS. i wouldn't be able to operate without my black book.

having an attack right now (hi dere phobia-triggering mouse in my house): trying to quell it with xanax, controlled breathing, music, a lavender candle.

lately my anxiety has become more psychosomatic; i hardly ever used to have stomach problems and now when i'm stressed out i can feel it in the gut. milk thistle caplets really help, though.

weeeed

-- carne asada, Wednesday, January 9, 2008 4:18 PM (6 months ago) Bookmark Link

Totally makes things worse. Plus one of the biggest contributors to any axnious feelings I have (apart from vague social stuff occasionally) is the fact that I'm never accomplishing anything--weed really, really does not help with that.

Been a half hour, how ya holdin up, gb?

solitude
exercise
lorcet

read up on a little martian wisdom

Always get out of the physical environment you're in at the time of the episode, go for a walk/run/bike. Changes your energy level, too, gives you something to direct it at

kava kava tea can help.

exercise
music
ativan
booze

I am taking meds. Finally. After years of this shit.

Aw. : ( Hope things are improving.

a good! a couple friends of mine are doing the same, and feel good about it

*o good

Kinda dumb when you sit in front of your doctor crying your eyes WHEN THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with your life AT ALL. I mean, shit, I have a great life. so why the fuck do I feel this fucking way? Anyway the meds will kick in soon. It'll only be for a short period. Then I gotta see a therapist, I guess.

aw things will pick up, remember it's only temporary (someone said that on another thread and it pops into my head whenether i get an attack, and helps!)

so ur only planning on temporary use of the meds? i've heard from other ppl that this can really work

Then I gotta see a therapist, I guess.

As far as I know your odds of getting better are much higher if you combine the meds with seeing a therapist, so do it do it do it. And hang on in there, Mrs. :D

Yeah i know combo style is more effective but he wants me to calm down. That way i can think of what i want and need. My doctor is so awesome.

Surm i really dong know...

cool! one step at a time, girl.

Or one pill at a time. Lolololol

praying for you nathalie

Well... That was interesting. Yesterday I took the first pill. I became nauseous beyond belief. If I got up, I started burning and tingling. If I ran to the couch and lied down I was ok. But then I had to cross the street to go home. Result: throwing up. Blergh. Today I took half a pill and feel better.

Thanks eisbaer. :-)

Hey Nath - what does he have you on? I ask only because I've been on Effexor for anxiety for years and love it. It's not for everyone but it's worked wonders for me with minimal side effects.

In my limited experience, the first day on anxiety or anti-depressant medication is often a bit of a shock to the system, but if it's still making you feel sick or causing other unpleasant side-effects after a few days then let the doctor know. Hope things get better for you - both the side-effects and the anxiety.

(Zoloft made me dizzy and nauseous for the first day, a bit less so the next day, then fine after that; Effexor got worse every day so I had to be taken off it after a week. But different people react in different ways so you don't really know what a brand will do to you until you try it.)

I'm using a kind of reverse placebo effect. I get the prescriptions and lie and say I take them but don't. You should see the effect it has on my crazy family! It really calms them down.

Oh and I had ativan for anxiety attacks. It worked but if you expect to take something that doesn't make you feel dopey and get rid of your anxiety you can forget it. Just my experience.

That really depends on what class of drug you are taking. Ativan is a fast acting benzo which will tend to make you feel drowsy and dopey. There are other drugs that aren't as fast acting but should not have that dopey effect in most users.

Sipralexa. Might be good for mydiet cause it seems to suppress my appetite. Day two seems to be better cause no throwing up. Bit feverish but nothing to extreme.

Not sure if I shld tell my mom. Her solution to my depression/anxiety: have a talk w dad. Yeah sure. He is a great dad but talk? Been trying that and other shit for yrs.

I am or rather was in turmoil. It is like this step I wanted to make but also dreaded to make. Does this make any sense, probably not.

Hey nath, I know you'd been mulling this one over for a long time. Hope it works out for you – it is ok to be nervous about it! It's cool & brave that you're trying to improve your life.

Don't feel like you have to tell your mom, if you think it would upset you or lead to a conversation you don't want to have.

Yeah. I guess I better not... But she will ask whatsup sooner or later. Hmmm
We will see. :-)

So I am taking half a pill per day. I can't say that the anxiety has gone. It is still here, just not as bad as before, I guess. I hope to up it to one pill per day soon. My doctor said that it should work in time. My friend keeps saying I should see a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. I don't know.... I should see someone, I guess. But for a while I'd just like to take these pills.

aw i hope you get a grip of it nathalie. my therapist really helped me get through the worst of mine, with a little extra help from occasional mild sleeping pills ;)

the lack of sleep is the worst part for me, and then when i don't fall asleep the anxiety heightens to cronic levels. my chest would start to wreck, and my wrists get really hot.

currently going through an overdue dose of ibs attack, which usually brings on the anxiety for me. chest has been hurtin all week.

again, hope you feel better soon

Good luck Nathalie--the idea behind psych meds is to make the patient sane enough so that they can start to work out whatever problems they have. You've taken the first step.

^^ yeaaaaaaaah completely OTM here, in my experience. just look at it as a vote for yourself. follow yr instincts about moment-to-moment needs and stuff, too. you're gonna be great.

1. alcohol, prefer non-prescription.
2. work, just make something, preferably for myself.
3. breathe, take a walk around the block.

Any of these in no particular order.

Ste, my chest hurts like mad at times. So much so I used to think I'd get a heart attack. lol.

I realize that the pills are only a step towards therapy/healing. But I am now afraid of the day I'll have to quit. Christ, do I ever NOT worry? Nope. I sadly know the solution to my problem but that's not an option I can have. So I'll need to find an alternative.

Recommended something on on the T thread, but thought I'd post a comment where fellow anxiety/insomnia sufferers would have a chance of finding it.

I first took benzodiazepines way back in 1987 when I dipped into my grandmother's somehow-prescribed bottle of 200 gelcap tempazepams that she kept in the bathroom cabinet. ("Just came for a quick visit... yes, I'd love a cup of tea, just need to pop to the loo first")

Since then there's few I haven't sampled (around 20 varieties maybe). Only ever took them if suffering genuine anxiety for short periods though, as withdrawal is awful, or as one-night-onlys to mitigate comedowns from infrequently used stimulants. Also have used to bring an immediate halt to periods of excessive drinking that got a bit out of control (say, the occasional month-long bender). Problem with that, is you can just end up addicted to the benzos instead, or if you're me, carry on drinking as well. The compounding yet conflicting effect of the alcohol and benzodiazepine highs are another reason I tried to avoid them whenever the alternative didn't seem even more potentially catastrophic.

So, when I say that I've been taking pyrazolam, a drug that's structurally closely-related to alprazolam, (as name suggests), on and off for 6 months now, and that I prefer it by far to diazepam, lorazepam, and xanax, or any other benzodiazepine, I am basing this on some fair degree of personal experience with a wide range of alternatives.

What makes this one so different - and hence unappealing to people who only use benzos because they're looking for a buzz - is that it has no buzz, or at most, an extremely subtle, barely discernible one, and yet the anxiolytic effects are dramatically effective (I'd always assumed some level of euphoric component was essential to the diminishing of the anxiety, but apparently not). This means

a) part of a benzo buzz is a whoozy feeling that can make you walk unsteadily and slur your words. You don't get this with pyrazolam, making it far more functional.,
b) if you've been taking it to get past something but then there's a few days or even weeks where nothing particular strikes nervous fear into your heart, then - even if you have stockpiles of the stuff like me - you see no need to take it, because - whereas traditional benzos tempt you to keep taking them to keep the buzz going, or to stop the bad feeling that arises when a buzz that has been kept up for some time suddenly stops - in this case, there was never that buzz to begin with!
c) [one for the alkies] similarly, if you're taking it as an alcohol substitute to avoid damagingly heavy drinking, the anxiolytic effect of this drug are so pronounced that even if you've been drinking a bottle or more of spirits ever day for a month, then one morning you wake up and first thing take two of these instead of pouring yourself a liquid breakfast livener,- the need to drink just dissipates, without having to be replaced by some other high likely to prove equally troublesome further down the line. And before you know it, instead of it being a struggle even to abstain from drinking before lunch, or mid-afternoon, you find it's early evening, and you didn't even notice. Then you (or I, at least) find 2 or 3 pints of ale perfectly adequate. And you're able to fully enjoy the drink qua drink because there's no benzo intoxication to potentiate & distort (in ways that can lead to one becoming way-too quickly out-of-it, with all the subsequent embarrassment that can entail) the effects of the beer, it just tastes and effects one pretty much as normal - goes down a treat.

Finally, it also works as an effective sleeping pill, even though it hasn't made you all drowsy during the day. This drug has been a life-saver for me. I concur with most of the comments on this brief thread from a social anxiety forum: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f30/pyrazolam-new-benzo-397689/

And the best part is that it's (for now) legal to purchase online (If you're considering it, google one of those sites that are like the Research Chemical Industry's versions of Which Magazine, with constantly updated verdicts on top 20 most reputable sites). I received 250 today for £45. This should last me up to 6 months. Have never received a duff batch.

thanks for that, really useful. Has anyone ever tried 5-HTP, along the lines of http://www.hollandandbarrett.com/pages/product_detail.asp?pid=200&prodid=229? I'm interested because looking around it seems to have similar effects and a similar structure to things I've tried that are not so legal any more.

I did out for about a month. The first day after I took it, I thought that all my problems had been solved, but never really captured that feeling again. Later it led to night sweats and vivid nightmares. YMMV.

hm. well it's pretty cheap, i guess i'll give it a go with that warning in mind, thanks.

Don't take 5-HTP if you're on SSRIs though, as can bring on the dreaded (potentially fatal) serotonin syndrome.

As to sampling pyrazolam, rather than stockpiling it, you can get 30 for a tenner.

unrelated to the pharma discussion but my bf has recently enrolled in a neuroscientific research study through brown university about the effects of mindfulness meditation techniques on anxiety, depression. my bf has sustained a fair amount of trauma in his life and also suffered recurring panic attacks for a period of several years. anyway, if anyone's interested in the study or related information or what have you, you can take a look http://www.brittonlab.com/

Hey cool my anxiety is officially fucking with my professional life now. I had a big presentation that I flew across an ocean to give but ended up backing out of at the last minute because of an experience that "stage fright" is laughably insufficient to describe.

I got Atarax from the Doc today, suppose to help with sleep/stress/anxiety. Will report back on what they're like.

xxxp i had the same experience with 5-htp: a couple of days of feeling great, then nothing. and headaches.

dan, i guess i'm not as bad as you because i managed my big presentation this week, but rly my attempts at 'networking' during the big conference that defines my career were non-existent and that inability to make random connections is feeling increasingly detrimental to my entire future, so enhanced pharmaceutical intervention it is.

I highly recommend Sun Theanine. I use it as do many of my friends. We all have high stress jobs. Works wonders.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16930802

At around 200 MG it decreases anxiety and is a mood booster, at higher dosages it's used to enhance focus. Stacks well with low dosages of caffeine if you are using it to work or study.

This whole episode is thankfully history, but I don’t want to just drop out of thread without a final summing up at least for those who expressed concern while it was happening and I felt it and it meant something; whether it made any difference I would like to think so, but to be honest I think this was a case of something just playing itself out according to some prefixed patern of necessity. But I was touched at the time by just the thought of other people actually caring. And I thought I owed a final assessement from a now sane vantage point on what the whole shit revolved around. I’m not writing this expecting that anyone should care; just writing it as an act of mutual respect for those who showed they did care. Hope you don’t mind me doing it over a few nights, because there’s so much to relate I wouldn’t be able to write it up at all over one night.

[any errors in chronology of the following are honest errors due to – what’s that word for memory loss that benzodiazepines brings on..?)

I think we’d reached the stage, when I last left off, where I’d returned from my little Aldershot adventure with chinos that my mum still doesn’t understand why I’m unwilling to wear (mum – look at the white marks – the squaddies put paint on so that it would look like I had spunked myself. God I hope that was white paint. Mum, bless her: “but you can hardly notice it..”

After that, I’d moved back in with my landlord, and then got paranoid again and phoned 999. I hung up before speaking but the police apparently have a policy of responding to 999 calls that people cut off before speaking, and a fine policy that sounds to me.

The ambulence men and coppers came round – I’d just endured that nightmare Aldershot weekend rememember, then been driven ‘home’ to Leatherhead by mum, and wanted nothing more than sleep. After I once again called 999 out of some stupid yet genuine fear, the landlord (not unreasonably) wanted me out of the house, and so even though they said he’d (that being me) be best off with just a good night sleep, he (that being the landlord) instisted that I be taken off to hospital again. With all my legal drugs. Don’t worry that you have no cash, we’ll find transport home for you tomorrow, and as for your pyrozalam, don’t worry, you’ll get those back upon discharge.

After a night of speaking to no-one nor having even a ward bed, I was released but told the £30 it would cost to get home was not available, and the offer should not have been made, not that it would be suggested not to make such an offer in the future – it’s clearly considered an essential enticement to just get you in the bloody ambulence if or when you show any sign of resistence.

So, I went to reception upon leaving and was told that what – as earlier threads have explained I consisder my life-savers had been confiscated, because they weren’t prescribed and so probably would do me no good. If you really have a problem, it was truly stated to me, go and see your doctor and get some xanax (the most prescribed and most addiction-causing drug on the planet)..

tbc

quickly as possible, let me get the boring but relevant stuff out of the way: brief comment on pyrazolam for those who never read those threads: I hate benzodiazepines, they can be less bad than drinking yourself to death, but they replace one awful addiction with another, and it's the euphoria of the stronger benzos that produce that zombifying addiction. It's a death less deathly than actual death, but..... hardly ideal. I loved pyrazolam, however, because it's remarkably closely related to xanax (one of only a half dozen drugs in this particular (one of about 10) benzodiazepine subgroups, and shares its impressive anxiolytic properties (anxiety starts reducing in 10 minutes, and then you simply just couldn't be considered a nervous person for the rest of the day, and beyond..) But there's zero euphoria, so you only take it to stop needing alcohol not to stop needing alcohol by replacing it with an equal or better buzz. Anyway, I was now wondering around Epsom, sooooo tired, broke and hungry at 9am, when it occured to me that Epsom library would be open, and given that in the past I'd borrowed a total of £5000 in two loans from my bank and had never missed a single payment of £100 a month, perhaps they could extend my overdraft a little to get me by today. Certainly, they said, we'll extend it from £300 to £2600...

So my landlord wouldn’t take me back, and worked my way back to that house and found the front door wedged (badly) with a plank of wood, but then got up to my room where afrter months a miraculous lock had appeared pinned in place and offering privacy at last – but unopenable from the outside. Out of pure unthinging frustration I booted it in successfully in one attempt. Then went to sleep in my clothes on ‘my’ bed.

Landlord evicted me at his point and poor mum couldn’t cope with having me back in the house, and so I used my new-found wealth to book myself in the Leathead Travelodge for a week. And what a week it was to remember it was

So my landlord wouldn’t take me back, and so I worked my way back to that house and found the front door wedged (badly) with a plank of wood, but then got up to my room where afrter months a miraculous lock had appeared pinned in place and offering privacy at last – but unopenable from the outside. Out of pure unthinging frustration I booted it in successfully in one attempt. Then went to sleep in my clothes on ‘my’ bed.

Landlord evicted me at his point and poor mum couldn’t cope with having my insanity brought back in the house, and so I used my new-found wealth to book myself in the Leathead Travelodge for a week. And what a week it was ……

As far as Aldershot big game hunting goes, it's all true, and I'm currently looking to expose the story via someone on twitter with balls, e.g. Old Holborn. We'll see how that turns out. I am not going to let that go.

So if you were the guy who approved that practice, maybe now would be a good time to take the whiskey out of the desk, and the shot-gun out of the drawer, and drink a last one to your imagined cleverness, because I'm not going to let this one go.

I'd rather go to jail than lie about this (which will be posted on twitter too). Aldershot army pay drug-dealing taxi (Rushmore) drivers to take innocent s then cover their bags in class A powder, meaning all officials must be avoided even when dying of thirst, by the desperate citizens trying to survive the night.

Around 6am, the squaddie scum that most successfully curtailed their quarry are boldly awarded. Fascist scum of Engand 2013.,

Started talking about one thing, then just couldn't not talk about the other thing. I'll finish up talking about delusions & whatnot over next couple of days. and please god, let me not somehow during those descriptions personallyh accuse by name the head of the police womg of the Aldershot army of some or other form of treason. I'll tryh my best...

On the other hand, fuck 'em..

I think I’d had a few trancs too many, last time I tried to finish this up (I stress again, a lot of people expressed concern, and just out of politeness I would like to quickly-this-time say how it all turned out (not because I think for a moment that my life fuckups are of any importance in general.) Sorry for any repetition, but I can’t re-read stuff that I remember clearly being in a state when writing it, but not the content of what actaully was written – I fear I will find among a self-spun tangle of web, versions or aspects of myself hanging from silk nooses. Or to put it more bluntly, an endless embarrassment of spontaneous spew, not even possessing sufficieint linear form to create a tangled mess.

I’ll do it here now in couple of paragraphs: had ended up in Leatherhead Travelodge as mum thought the state I was in after returning from lost weekend was result of insanity/drug binge. Landlord wouldn’t have me back, but helped me move my stuff to new abode; well, transported in his van all the boxes I’d filled to point of being barely able to lift them and dumped them beside van in car park before while I went to get parking ticket for hour. Strangely, there were a half dozen Sainsbury’s trolleys at side of car park despite being at opposite end of high street to Sainsburys, and after putting in requisite pound coin, I would use one of these to fill with a couple of boxes, along with stray computer equipment, loose leads, etc, and push the trolley across from car park to High Street then in through the Travelodge door and (having already booked), trying not to catch the eye of receptionist desk because it just seemed wrong, straight into the elevator and up to my room at the far end of the fourth (top) floor. I did this four times, each with a new trolley, then unloaded them, and took them back to the car park one at a time. Barely minutes into Day 1 of scheduled week and I think the staff already had their suspicions.

When I had several narcopleptics fits every day for a week, since I was precescribed by a doctor with the condition 5 years ago and prescribed modafinil, that I took for two months then never had a fit or thought about it again, I naturally panicked. Given that, as it later turned out, if you’re in process of changing doctor, it can take two months to get a referral to a sleep specialist. Nevermind that it wouldn’t be melodramatic in the slightest to say that just two or those fits could have proved fatal (falling just about to the point of complete & deep sleep whilst walking alongside of a road I then veered into the middle off before veering back and then managing to just about remain on the pavement all the way to my mum’s house a mere 5 minutes away around a single corner, requiring no road crossing. And falling into a sleep as deep as sleep can be, in the bath, for 4 and a half hours; a bath run in such an early morning rush to make the 3 hour bus journey to work via Guildford that was now substituting for a 10 minute walk to work, so that the water barely covered my shoulders.

The worst thing was that I now had not only some vague legitimacy but an actual medical necessity to cite as a reason to take ethylphenidate in whatever period was to intervene between a referral request and its outcome. Which doesn’t mean I wasn’t panicked about what I now think to have been a massive over-reaction. I went to A&E and was told to get referral from GP, who in turn told me I’d have to make appointment with temporary gp in Camberley to become permanent patient there, after which another referral would be made to one of the London specialist hospitals, an appointment at which would likely follow one or two months hence. I hadn’t had a fit since taking it, and the fact that the first 6 hours, basing online dosage on internet recommendations which doubtless were interchangeable with recommendations as inhibitor of narcoleptic fits, were somewhat being on strong coke was simply one of those give and takes you get with an illness. If you’re feeling good, then it must be doing you good, isn’t that how it works?

In the background to all this was that a work colleague who’d told me about dozens of herbal remedies, the last being some homeopathic remedy for my broken shoulder (“but make sure to compare the strength of the tablet versions as they can contain the equivalent of many drops, and therefore only take one otherwise you might overdose”).
Not that I should ever be the designated one to mock idiotic attitudes and subsequent actions when it comes to drug consumption.. One of her recommendations that for once caused me to prick up my ears with genuine interest, was her mention of the increasing popularity of 5-HTP (Holland & Barrett had even sold out in Leatherhead, but were assuring its customers that new stock would soon be on its way!)

I was interested firstly because, as a life-long yet part-time depressive, I’d always been curious about tryptophan, that I understood as being a precursor of serotonin, the source of a good stable mood that lasts the whole day (no breakfast is complete without it), as well as the multi-purpose melatonin. I was also aware it had gained popularity as a cure for jet lack &/or sleep aid for long flights, but for some reason had been banned in several countries for reasons that probably had nothing to do with its potential threat to the SSRI industry. So my interest was peaked. Maybe her stuck clock had just struck gold. I quickly learned from Wiki, that 5-HTP was a metabolite of tryptophan that played an intermediary role in the former’s conversion to serotonin, and specifically was a metabolite that was free to cross the blood-brain barrier unchecked, and so created serotonin in the brain not just body, although the fruits of this production process were rapidly eaten up, though not before exerting some significant effects, by MOAs blah blah blah; sorry, all these body-produced chemicals are just not in my field of expertise...

Anyhoo, I gave it a go – for four days. And how coincidental that during those four days I felt groggy as fuck, had my first narcoleptic fits in five years, had the two strongest ones, and after stopping taking it, they settled down from causing me to fall asleep as I walked along the street, to nodding off at my text 10 times a day, then... nothing.
One might be justified in thinking it remiss of me not to make, or rather with to make, any damn connection here between cause and effect. The terrible curse of narcolepsy had returned and I needed – damn well needed my purely-incidentally coke-like-effect-prodcuting ethylphenidate to cure me of this affliction. What fucking self-deceivers we can be when we wish to, or somewhere subconsciously know or believe it to be so much to our personal profit to be so.

A week of increasing insanity ensued, only the final culminating climactic crisis I will describe because I presume even those if any who have read this far, will be rather bored with the self-destructive lunacy of one who just never learns. I woke up on Friday last, at around 11pm, after a deep sleep of several hours. Things were unusually quiet for a Friday night, even or especially this late on in the evening (I was virtually over the street from Wetherspoons, though my windows looked out to the back car-park not to the high street itself.) The strangely silent high street on a pre-midnight Friday night. And, not to be prejudicial or anything, there were no extended families of Germans crashing back to their rooms after having eaten out at one of the many local restaurants – and oh what a joyous sound that would be have been now, and how I would have vicariously shared in their celebrations. In other words: “It was quiet.... too quiet”.

So much so, that when a gang of motorcyclists could be heard roaring from the general direction of Epsom, and ending up doing hand-break turns, or whatever the motorbike equivalent is, at the bottom of Leatherhead’s paved highstreet, with no immediate – as would normally be the case, and then no – response from the local police I gulped a little and gazed out once more between a minimal break in the curtains upon empty – totally empty – streets. What conclusion could a rational chap like myself make, other than that, a) the hotel had been evacuated for some reason – fire drill or whatever – that I’d slept through, and would pretty soon return to being a buzzing hive of comfortable annoyance,
or b) and the lack of police response to arrogant motorbike displays on the highstreet inclined me to this conclusion: that there had been a major incident in a nearby city, and Leatherhead was currently without police. (You’ll recall I couldn’t actually see the High Street – but who needs to see to confirm - all the action seemed to clearly hearable..)

I soon began to notice a pattern where two bikes would arrive screeeching from some distance away, then a few minutes later end up sounding like they were circling directly outside the building, then a further 2-5 minutes later, I’d hear the footsteps of two people slowly, methodically working their way along the corridor; first I would hear them, I presumed, staking out levels 2 or 3, then it came, without question, to level 4 – my own. The door handles of each room were being tested, and when a room proved either unlocked or unlockable, there was a delay as the valuables were being – what else could these noise mean?? – ransacked. It was when I heard a girl shout resistence, scream, and then be immediately silent, that I actually stumbled my way to the door of my own room in the dark, and when hearing the ‘intruders’ who at some stage we don’t need to examine the specific time or occassion of, becasme one intruder, pass, I got up the nerve to ask “what happened to the girl, is she ok?”

“She’s gone” came the reply in what was now an imaginable (because – spoiler alert this was all imagined) yet un-pin-downable accent, that definitely wasn’t anything like the Korean or Japanese bike gangs I first pathetically believed were at my door, but more north, say, North African. Definitely not black, so my subconscious at least appears not to dislike blacks, at least to the extent of not inventing an entirely fictional reality in which they’re about to murder him. Good for me! Sad to say, this led to a half hour conversation during which I learned I shouldn’t worry about the girl, that our rooms were double-double locked and so he couldn’t shoot me – as he had to for never coherently specified reasons – except I can say that they weren’t Islamic terrorist, because, chicken-shit that I am, thinking this possibly the case, I went straight for the conversion gambit: “if I express my devotion to Allah and Mohammed now (pbh) aren’t you obliged to spare me and admit me into the holy brotherhood of Islam? And I know this is a lifetime commitment that I can never renege on, or would deserve to suffer the capital punishment fit for the apostate” No answer to that one, though I imagined him wrestling with his conscience a little.. Maybe I was buying myself a little leeway here,..

Anyway, one delusion blurred into another, and before long we were again talking about how he was going to go up to the room above my bathroom (fact of already being on top floor didn’t occur to me) and, when he heard me attempt to hid in that room, he would shoot down instead, spattering the very small room with multiple shots from which I’d be bound to die if not directly then at least by ricochet. (Wow, I sound like an honest-to-goodness psycho by now; please note, these ‘epsisodes’ have only occurred after mephedrone and ritalin, and that the mephedrone was left behind 4 or 5 years ago when it became illegal, while the ritalin was taken half a dozen times and is now as dead to me as any drug has ever been (more on that below.))

So here I was, imagining myself in an all-but deserted hotel, while the local police had fucked off to deal with some major incident in a more metropolitan area, nuclear bomb, fuck knows what, they weren’t there to protect me, so I had to – fucking had to – devise some way of protecting myself. First pro-active act was to fill kettle with boiling water, ready to throw all over face of whatever intruder broke through the barricade I’d erected in front of my door out of the mattress, which was so heavy and such a struggle to lug into place that I almost imagined it must be bullet-proof. I avoided the bathroom from not wishing to be shot down through the brain which for some bizarre reason seemed worse than being shot straight-level through the head.

Then the messing with the door handles and locks started up again, and all to silence, deadly silence both inside and outside the hotel. So I decided on one last strategy that by this stage I believed had slim possibility in saving my own life (I was just waiting for the moment) but at least might save those of some others similarly stranded in this hotel. Friday fucking night, but not a police car to be seen through the back window, yet it still looked out onto a major pub (the Penny Black), a still open kebab house (the finest in Leatherhead), and various taxi ranks. There were people who, if I could shock them into attention, I thought, they would immediately call the police (key question – in all this time why had I not called the police myself – dead phone after speaking to fucking Santander for about 5 minutes earlier in the day).

I opened the curtain wide, put the lights on full, and began with the heavy wooden coat-hangers, flinging them from the far side of the room at the window. It made a crash and a bang but not even a dent in the window itself, which I think might be bomb-proof. Next I hurled every object I could find (saving kettle behind for special 1 on 1 surprise moment). I took paintings off the wall and threw them with all my strength – wood frames with glass panels – at the window. The noise was enormous, and I expected sirens to soothingly start up at any moment, then saw there was still no dent in the goddamn window, and no reaction from any other room in the hotel. Had quick look out (where terrorist was hiding at that point not clear), but corridors very much clear.

Noises of attempted forced entry once again could be heard, and I’d given up on my own survival now – there was just no way the police could make it here in time. I sat, below and to left of main window, out of line with door, but a sitting duck should lock on door somehow be broken through. I threw few remaining objects in room at window – crashing and smashing and making such a noise that in a normal hotel it would have the police or at least the staff up and in their in seconds. Nothing. I surveyed the damage, surrounded by broken glass from the paintings, and then for first time felt some awareness creep in that this had all been a delusion; pulled a sheet over my head, and wept.

precescribed = somehow cooked up typo for diagnosed, obviously.

You'll forgive me if i cant help but

tl;dr

But srsly glad yr ok

How much of this endless cocktail of mindfucking shit can you manage to avoid ever taking again?

I realise its not for kicks like but ffs man cmon like

yeah, even though i don't really know you, i felt genuine relief reading your last paragraph. good luck campari.

As to Aldershot, it's in the nature of the delusions I've had that once they reach a point where I'm sane enough again to realize they were delusions. The Aldesrhot squaddies being involve in collaboration with drug dealers from which they are delivered their prey, having been fed with life threatening quantities of street mephedrone (at the intense hallucinatory level of 4 grams), who then have class a and b drugs planted on their selves or their property so that they will avoid at all costs heading towards a street at the end of which appear 3 men in uniform, and so walk round in circles dangerously dehydrated for the whole night, until, remarkably at 6am on the button, there are no more obsructions, and officers mingle with cadets in the centre of town at the roundabout nearest to the bus and train station. I insist these were not delusions, but few people in the country could be less fit than myself to make a case against this national disgrace.

respectfully, i don't think that is happening campari. why would the police want to set up and entrap drug users?

i really hope you can find the help you need to feel better CG&T

my advice wd be not to listen to anybody's advice but a medical professional's, and to see one of them as quickly as possible.

a lot of people on this board are rooting for you, i think. i know getting clean isn't a straight, simple road, but in my experience - take all the reliable help you can get.

You'll forgive me if i cant help but

tl;dr

― firelance photographer (darraghmac), Saturday, 24 August 2013 22:13 (10 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Nothing to forgive - In normal times I'd respond precisely as you have and get on doing something fucking constructive!

This is army not police. I related this story to the police in even great (yawn!) detail than in the above, and heard and obvious police officer in the background say "Jesus, those are some serious allegations"

I've had two responses from police:
1. when having delusions, an attempt to calm me down and nothing but consideration and desire to help a fuckup
2. when talking about Aldershot, a desire to end the conversation as quickly as possible. No assertion of delusions, just change of the subject.
This wasn't some vague background noise that my distorted paranoid mind converted into an incredible persecutory scheme.
It was something that happened - to me directly - over the course of a weekend.
3. But is worth nothing coming from me, given 1.

The bag I had with me when ended up in aldershot, was when I got home filled with dope leaves and street meph crystals; everything was so covered that I almost threw out some of my most valued books and my Kindle because I feared I couldn't get them clean of the crystals that worked their way into every fucking tiny crevice.

I do agree, re-reading, htat I should at least give one fucking re-edit to what I write (and maybe cut it in half in the process).

if it's at all possible i think you should forget all about this stuff and concentrate on finding professional help and moving forward.

i mean, easier said than done because it was a traumatic experience. but you should work through that under the guidance of mental health professionals. don't talk to the police again.

A friend asked - why'd it take you so long to realize drugs fuck you up this way - you're 44 for fuck's sake. My response:

I only bloody took ethylphenidate about 6 times in total

How I described my shift in attitude to a friend:

To the question: why has it taken so long to reach this point, the
answer is that hardly any of the many 'recreational drugs' I've taken
in the past were over-all bad. Many have after-effects far less
horrible or miserable-making than alcohol. Ritalin is a rare
exception: with other drugs there's either something you can do about
the after-effects (strong coffee and full english breakfast for a
hangover, sleeping pills for stimulants (the old uppers then
downers)), but now I know Ritalin's nature is different (at least in
form and dosage I was taking) , and that it always ends badly.

Ritalin is done with -

I've reached the point where the name no longer
conjures up immediately the good feelings of the first 6 hours, but
the horrors and damage of the days that follow far outweigh it in my
consciousness now,

and that's without having to make any efforts to
push thoughts of the good aspects into the background. It's such a
horror drug overall that when I think the word, it's just filed away
in that cabinet marked "terrible, shattering thing to do; can't be
controlled in the sense that the after-effects can never be mitigated
satisfactorily - it will not end well, ever."

At the bottom of the filing cabinets there's a few pages on the
pleasures of the early
stages, but you've shuddered at later consequences first, and moved on by
then,

because what comes to mind, what is lodged firmly at the forefront
after half a dozen disasters is an accumulation of awfulness that is
finally sufficient to see straight away that 'ritalin' = "mental destruction".

And so you don't even look down anymore at the
initially enticing list of positives, but instead move quickly along skirting the sires' gaze..

I did actually read it, i just felt the length of the post required the standard ilx response

I honestly didn't want to write any more on this thread. What was there already was embarrassment enough. I tried to bring it to closure to some kind of actual conclusion; I;'m sorry if that bored people; it bores my fucking self. But I honestly bored out of a sense of duty... I bored to be decent.. I bored to repay the complements and concern that were expressed toward my previous boringness. I didn't want to write this tonight. Things are far improved in personal life, I just felt it rude to start this big melodrama then leave it hanging without any kind of closure whatsoever. That's the truth - I didn't want to write a heap of shit about myself and problems tonight - I actually just wanted to continue listening to tex-mex as I had throughout the afternoon, while drinking appropriate cocktails. But I really fretted about starting such a melodramatic thread and then disappearing. I won't do that again.. but for now, back to tex-mex & the Sir Douglas Quintet, their early 80s(?) album Border Wave, one of the all-time underrated greats (shame there's about 10 better tracks on this album that this, but it's still nice stuff)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WcinP-YgyM

fpd u for ilm

p.s. Hi, can I just say goodnight to the criminal-associating, law-breaking, torture-engaging, drug-dealing, kidnapping cunts of the Aldersthot army. Night Aldershot, the more Afghanistan gets the less we're burdened with.

Moderators: best delete that, though I stand by every word.

I'm glad you're feeling more yourself now, Campari G&T - reading your posts it felt like such a terrifying and worrying state to be in, and it's good to read you sounding more in control.

This does definitely seem like a time to prioritise getting a good mental health team on your side, though I recognise that must be a very complicated process if you've just switched GPs. I hope you manage to get that sorted out!

Thanks C Sharp Major, because this has already been achieved and I have begun weekly sessions with a highly-regarded psychiatrist at Surrey Heath, in which we argue for hours, with the mentor and his protégé arguing sometimes for hours over Freud vs Searle on the unconscious, or Lacan and post-structuralism as offering viable insights into psychiatric treatments. Then eventually all retired to the lovely well-apportioned golf club ba over the road wherin to continue our disputin'. Thanks for concern C Sharp, but I already have it covererd, and have given up the ritalin (as of one week). (doesn' sound a big deal, but it's Oz vs Kansas once you've gone through it. thanks again for kind workds

Scott

that's excellent news! good to have a psychiatrist with whom you can get down to some serious disputation.

last paragraph of your story was such a relief. i'm really glad you seem to have a better handle on things now, and i hope you're able to get pro help soon. we're pulling for you, dude!

Last paragraph wasn't quite how it ended, surrounded by debris, and dawning took on second meaning. I heard the fucker on the area that extended outwards from my window, briefly thought he'd planted some IED pipe bomb that after several investigative scans turned out to be reflection of particluar area of curtain roll. I suddenly realize this was my only chance to get past him and so ran for the door, unlocked it and tore down the corridor, and then opted for 5 levels of fire escape stairs, which started to seem not the best option as I thought of comparative speed of lift and dark area at back which fire escape led to. Made last minute diversion to floor 1 elevator, ran out and headed downhill toward the penny black & kebab place all long closed up by now. No taxis about either. I ran like a 15 year old, and got a stitch like a 15 year old, all the while with the added complication that I'd lost so much weight in recent weeks I was having to stop every few minute to pull my half-fallen trousers down. Then ran up an incline and down into the Swan Centre which fortunately was open for walk-through all night; there I went straight for Wetherspoons, where two people were setting up for the day, indicated I needed to come in but only wanted drink of water (which was one of most refreshing ice-filled pints I can ever recall drinking, so good I asked for a second). I was calm in their company, delusion was becoming more explanatory as it always did after this stuff started wearing off, and confirmation point was when police arrived and told me that cctv showed that the person I was sure was in hot pursuit all around wide circle of the town was in fact non-existent, or at leasts cloaked in invisibility (I didn't actually consider that last possibility). Two police officers sat with me and the head bar staff as we talked things over as I finished my second pint (of water), then we headed back to the Travelodge where staff too seemed non-existent. Floor 4 was investigated, and my room, thanks to the bullet proof repelling plastic windows wasn't as damaged as at first seemed. I did a fare job of cleaning up before clearing out day, and after shower, etc. was in decent enough state to mention damage to the paintings, though not the instigation for smashing them, which elicited only the response that "I always thought they were ugly". Mum and sister picked me up later. As stated above, the evil of high dose ethylphenidate had reached such proportions that ever taking it again voluntarily was no longer an option. Took about 3 or 4 days before the whispers entirely went away, but now have never felt better; enjoying iced green tea, or lattes during the day, and moderate ales from after 6pm, while not being so complacent as to cancel any interviews, but more the opposite - calling up the duty nurse to rearrange meetings that had fallen by the wayside hopefully to resume what had seemed a successful fist meeting. Am expecting events that follow the second meeting to be of a somewhat more subdued and contemplative nature.

The final fucking end. What a stupid tale to attempt to tell in full embarrassing, dangerously self-exposing, often high & semi if not totally incoherent story. If I write anything more here this year it will be short paragraphs about music, cocktails, literature, or maybe even a bit of analytic philosophy. I'm not going to relate the 26 hour conversation myself - my conscious self debating with policeman self voice in head of the legality of certain research chemicals, where he pulled a shocker of a surprise ending after I was just about to fall into soothing sleep, pleased that my knowledge of drug law had outwitted myself at every turn over such a long debate - he was outside with team all set to raid, not because of any legal shit, but because a phone had been recovered at a dealers in which I could be clearly heard offering to pay taxi to collect C. I was so shocked and sick-made that I pulled this unexpected twist upon myself just as it seemed victory had been assured after all that citing of relevant law up to and including the report by the Government Committee on Drugs into temporary bans, applying only to production, importation, and sale, not to possession, etc. that I sank in spirit to the bottom of the earth, but then saw no loss in finally taking a handful of the sedatives that had been in my top drawer all week, but that I had been avoiding because surely they were being observed - their yellowness had been pointed out - whereas all I had secreted away were bags of 6-apb, around 150 in total, as I'd stocked up precisely to pre-empt the ban, and so took these instead (these are essentially 10-hour lasting ecstasy that don't have body load but just have effect on mind, i.e. no nausea, vomiting, shitting, sweating profusely, so I took 3 of these 3 times a day, just to keep up with the days-long conversations, involving constant referencing of the internet and old government documents, with one drug law autodidact (me) trying to find a loophole in the law in order to outwit and convict for a minimum of 5 years, another self-taught expert on drug law (me) racking my brain to think up responses that would defeat his assertions on the supposed illegality of just about everything I possessed.

6-apb is (temporarily) illegal now - probably a good thing, as by the third or fourth week if I missed my order for the weekend I was ringing up DHL same-day service to collect the stuff from reception at my legal source in Milton Keynes, then delivering to the bottom of my road so as not to disturb the landlord. Sounds extravagant as this only worked out at £20 a pill, but we'd happily pay that for quality stuff in the old days. Sounds extravagant again, when the fact is taken into account that I was soon talking 3 at a time, 3 times a day, in order to stay alert enough to continue triumphing in the ongoing debate I was having with me.

"pull up my half-fallen down trousers", of course. There was no kind of that perversion involved in this escapade.

p.s. this only happens with drugs, and given that I basically had a drug free youth, and that I essentially stopped taking drugs for 20 years after ecstasy, and then again for 4 years after mephedrone, this delusional shit only represents approx 1% of an othewise normal life. I would have hardly been able to hold down the same job for 14 years if that were not the case.

but enough about me...

I don't think legal highs are working for you. You seem to self medicate and think through self medicating a lot. I'm glad that you seem to be on the right road, cos it was scary last week. Good luck and stay strong.

Project Witch, it depends on the self-medication. To repeat myself from a posting on an RC forum:

[MOD NOTE - This post has been edited and several posts from below have been deleted as they offer potentially dangerous advice that the mods do not feel comfortable with the site hosting]

a therapist taught me to let myself fully feel the anxiety when it comes on, not try to push it down (I think he called it "living in it" or "inhabiting it" or something). By letting yourself feel fully aware of anxiety you can sometimes pinpoint what's causing it. I guess maybe this is a sort of "mindfulness" practice?

Campari: stop self-medicating. talk to the healthcare pro you trust most. i strongly feel that whatever you're taking is having a negative effect on your thought processes and i'm guessing this is impacting negatively on your day to day life.

i say this with all due respect and compassion.

yeah. holy shit. dude.

From above: a therapist taught me to let myself fully feel the anxiety when it comes on, not try to push it down (I think he called it "living in it" or "inhabiting it" or something). By letting yourself feel fully aware of anxiety you can sometimes pinpoint what's causing it. I guess maybe this is a sort of "mindfulness" practice?

This seems totally valid, but for me this practice has its pitfalls as well: in trying to "pinpoint" the root of anxiety I rarely settle on a single, simple, solvable cause, and in any case knowing what it is doesn't necessarily help, and the experience of "inhabiting" anxiety can send me right down the fucking rabbit hole mentally and emotionally and functionally. This sort of thing is why God invented benzodiazepines and weed.

co-sign that. even when I am fully aware (or think I am) of the root of my anxiety, it doesn't actually help that much, and sometimes I develop more anxiety thinking "what if I can't get rid of this anxiety?". Maybe it works for some, but not me. And I would argue with the doctor that 'living in your anxiety' isn't the only other option besides suppressing things deep down below. You can talk about what's bothering you and try to cope with it without forcing yourself to endure a nasty panic attack.

Although I will say, going through one of the worst of the worst once in a while and seeing that you came out of it just fine can be reassuring (it's just taxing on the body/mind). Best of luck to you, but I very very very much co-sign what NV said - no self-medicating.

lately I've found CRAFT BEER AND WEED works great!

<3

going through one of the worst of the worst once in a while and seeing that you came out of it just fine can be reassuring (it's just taxing on the body/mind)

^

Best of luck to you, but I very very very much co-sign what NV said - no self-medicating.

otm. lay off it for a while. overreliance on any single method is not good.

Campari's catalog of british controlled substances keeps crashing Zing.

CAMPARI. STOP DOING OVER THE COUNTER DRUGS IN WAYS NOT INDICATED IN THE PREFERRED PACKAGING. YOU ARE INDUCING MENTAL ILLNESS IN YOURSELF.

ffs one of the main side effects of the sinus inhalant you're talking about, when used as you're advocating, is anxiety! along with emotional lability, meaning you're basically treating yourself with something that is known to mess up your psychological state.

I'm not going to address your posts any more, because any interaction appears to be feeding your interest/paranoia. just, stop.

Campari G&T, no offence but you are a fucking terrible advert for the "research chemicals" are you trying to proselytise about!

Your own idiosyncratic responses to treatment with a largely unstudied (PubMed search for "pyrazolam": 0 results) designer benzodiazepene are not generalizable to other people, particularly the 99.99% of people who do not use as much alcohol and pills as you do on a daily basis.

Taking "hundreds of valiums" is certainly enough to OD, if by "OD" you mean die of asphyxiation.

You should stop offering medical advice.

my tl;dr was tongue in cheek and clarified as so in the next post iirc, so there

I think not only did it help to take pills for my imaginary problems, it has also helped to cope with... a fucking burglary in our shop. I came to an empty shop. All our gold/diamonds gone. Thanks pills, you're helping me a little. Fuckuckfuckfufkck

damn Nath, so sorry to hear that

:(

Oh no! I'm so sorry.

Yeah rrrrrreally awful We had a really shitty year. Both my grandparents died. Financial crisis hitting us. We more or less recovered. But on friday opened the shop... WTF doors open in the back. Then came to the counters to find 95 procent of the stock simply gone. Cleaned up. But what can I do? Cry? Fuck no. Parents always said: if you fall, you get back up. So that's what I am gonna do. It is awful, but y'know fuck it I ain't gonna back down Thing is, I have anxiety attacks but only over imaginary problems. This shit? I have a headache. I have nausea. But I feel exceptionally calm and exceptionally strong.

I can tell you one thing: the locks on your door? They're a joke. Burglars wanna get in, they will get in.

I'm assuming you have massive insurance for that kind of thing if you stock diamonds...?

Alas I fear we won't get a penny. Insurance too strict.

So in essence: all fucking gone. I know how it works with stolen goods. Leaves the country , melted down,......

What a terrible situation. I'm glad you have such a good attitude! You will overcome this! I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents, I lost one this year as well.

holy shit. :(

very sorry to hear about this nathalie.

:{

http://blog.23andme.com/23andme-research/what-patients-say-works-for-anxiety/

brb, going for a run then coming home to do yoga with my cat named Xanax

If marijuana is legalised, I can't wait to see billboards with the following slogan...

Marijuana: slightly more effective but less popular than masturbation.

that graphic makes me lol

xp I'll take that under advisement, jerkweed

Best plan for fairly profound (new job) work-related anxiety that appears to be largely about "What other people think of me. Being 'judged'"?

Sometimes when it gets really bad I find that embracing/inhabiting it instead of trying to push it away helps.

I think I know what you mean but could you explain more? (Thanks)

I think thoughts like "I am anxious right now. It is a feeling and a physiological response. This is anxiety that I'm feeling. The world is not ending, I have anxiety, it's a feeling."

But that's only the rare times where it really feels overwhelming, like I'm in bed unable to sleep thinking crushing thoughts and feeling dizzy or something. Although more generally the mindful/aware approach helps me, like just stopping myself and saying "Whoa, I'm distracting myself a lot because I'm really anxious I'm going to fuck up on the __ I'm supposed to be doing"

that kind of anxiety contributes to people judging me even more poorly than i already imagine they do, so i tried to make "relax, be friendly" my main goal for the first 3 weeks. i kept writing it in a notepad, then breathing, sort of stepping outside of myself for a minute. they like you or they wouldn't have hired you, and people's impressions of you are always subject to change, it's very much outside of your control.

lol "they like you or they wouldn't have hired you" is something I have to remind myself like every day.

Best plan for fairly profound (new job) work-related anxiety that appears to be largely about "What other people think of me. Being 'judged'"?

i guess you could remind yourself that it is very normal to have this feeling, you've probably had it at a job before? and presumably it went away. also i would try not to feel like you have to do too much. you are a new starter and everyone knows that, you can learn and do a bit and day by day you'll be able to contribute more.

if you're worried about the actual work, then ask questions. ask as many as you, can especially the obvious ones. asking basic questions that seem obvious is really valuable, i do it more easily now i'm older in work, which is a shame cos i realise how useful it is and how many times nobody has bothered to ask something obvious.

also, the office is kind of a game really, it is not your be all and end all personality that's on show - you just need a comfortable way to get by each day and perhaps have some fun.

So otm

Thanks all.

Struggling to reconcile with "They like you or they wouldn't have hired you" is probably a big part of the problem. Also, I'm missing the "fun" part of the job which was much more apparent in my (not very different) last role.

Shoot for basic competence rather than stardom or huge likeability for the first while imo.

i guess the end of an old job will always feel more fun than the start of a new one. i don't know what it is about people, but like my office persona would be fairly clownish, in amongst doing my job, but when people don't know you in an office you could say anything and it's just not funny. people kind of look at you when you're new and you say something. acceptance and comfort and fun all take a little while to begin, and they grow slowly.

i've been in a new job for about 4 weeks and today there was a hint of easy and fun conversation in which i didn't feel like i was trying too hard, for like 20 relieving minutes at the end of the day, and it's like "finally!" (finally i can joke my way through)

xpost otm - another thing that feels kind of bad when i think about it, but people in offices seem to need to know you can do the job before treating you like a human being.

I think it's more that enforced proximity/dependence means that predictability, reliability are the base minimum to establish in order to get that trust, maybe? Work sucks, but if you learn that a fella won't let you down you're gonna give him the time of day sooner rather than later, all other things remaining unchanged.

At the end of the day, etc

I had a pretty rough anxiety explosion after starting a new job after being at the same place for 12.5 years, getting fired from aforementioned new job and then getting into hot water at the new new job. Pills and therapy help but I am not enjoying it.

Avoidance has traditionally worked really "well" for me.

i realise how useful it is and how many times nobody has bothered to ask something obvious.

yeah this x10000

weeeed

― carne asada, Wednesday, January 9, 2008 5:18 PM (7 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

aaaaaaahhhhhh ha ha ha. the smell of my neighbor's weed has just added to my existing level of anxiety. (i don't object to marijuana on principle, but smelling smoke in my own apartment triggers the ol' fight or flight reaction. and that was before my smoke alarm started going off for no discernable reason.)

Fortnightly osteopathy sessions helping me a lot at the moment.

Any good strategies for stopping that "four in the morning churning about work" anxiety? Feels like it's a bit out of my control, in the sense that ... I'm asleep and then I'm not. Obviously, address the work is a good starting point but anything else??

my therapist tells me to just get up and do some activity even if you don’t feel like it… because whatever “sleep” I’m getting between eg 4am and 7am is not really quality sleep anyway.

I completely feel you, djh, anxiety has been destroying me lately

In truth, I have no real idea if I'm sleeping at all for those hours.

Thanks brimstead and sorry about your own anxiety.

Is there such a thing as observation anxiety? Like hating to be observed by others?

yes, i think that’s fairly common!

i think that might be one reason i failed 5 driving tests yeah

if you want some unsolicited advice about how to deal with it … i think it’s important to separate the rational fears from the irrational

in my line of work (teaching) i get observed by my supervisors a few times a year. that’s always anxiety-provoking, especially as i usually work in relative isolation. and that’s a rational fear, because the whole point of it is for evaluation. what if they evaluate me poorly? i could lose my job!

in those cases i think you have to deal with your fear of judgment by working on your self esteem. so i tally up all of the feedback i’ve gotten from my supervisors (almost uniformly positive, barring a few one-time things that were really not that negative) and try to be well-prepared, and channel the anxious energy into working hard and doing a good job. and also i try to think about the worst-case scenario. i have a two year contract, so even it it’s the absolute worst case, i won’t be fired, i have another 18 months to improve, etc. everyone’s circumstances vary, but i think you have to work on rational anxieties with rational methods

i also have irrational anxieties. i’m pretty introverted at the best of times, during the quarantine that started to develop into a bit of agoraphobia. i would get anxious at the grocery store, partly because there are not many people my age there without partners, families etc. i would worry about people judging me - “who’s that failure of human” etc. i really didn’t want to be seen!

with that sort of anxiety i had to just kind of say it out loud to myself (not at the grocery store obviously) to hear how dumb it sounded. or i tried to compare that to how i think about strangers when i observe them. i can be as internally bitchy as anyone else but i’m almost never as unfair or judgmental toward random strangers as i am to myself. i tried on those thoughts toward other ppl and i just couldn’t maintain the suspension of disbelief. i believe in some degree of universality of human experience, so even if that wasn’t really rational evidence (in the sense of the past work evaluations, etc) it worked well enough

sometimes it’s a mix of both, like when i’m dj’ing out. people probably do judge me, but also who gives a shit? it’s not my job, it’s just something i do for fun. in that situation i try to apply both strategies, plus also just pay attention to how much better it goes when i don’t worry about being observed. i have to reflect carefully on it afterward to remember that part. i’ve gotten pretty good at middle distance stare just over ppl’s heads

Is there such a thing as observation anxiety? Like hating to be observed by others?

the second strategy for rational fears - thinking about worst-case scenario - also worked pretty good for the agoraphobia anxiety. okay so someone at the grocery store thinks i look like a sad old unmarried uncle, so what? i’m at the grocery store to find bagged salad, peanut butter, yogurt and cream, not a date a job or a new best friend!

that helped me realize i was just projecting my own insecurities out into the world by hearing my own internal self-judgment (in what i imagined to be) someone else’s internal monologue. as if they don’t have enough to worry about, without having to decide exactly what degree of loser i am!

and so yeah, that fixed that but it also sent me back to keep working on my self-esteem. apologies for the long posts, i imagine there are as many varieties of anxiety as there are of sadness, so idk if any of that resonates with your experience.

I guess I was not entirely clear, I hate Being observed in almost any situation ie. Buying groceries.

I don’t know if it’s really even anxiety do much as hugely uncomfortable. Like being on an amusement park ride you really don’t like.

general: lists
observation (specific): avoidance

Avoiding social situations is addictive and feels so good

i disassociate which is sometimes fun and voluntary and sometimes not and involuntary but i can be quite good at being barely being there

i drink to shut my mind up which is bad and i'm trying to stop

cannabis is a wildcard that can help and sometimes makes things worse. partly because i overdo it when it's good. hash feels safest especially in edible form

benzos seemed good at first but i've been addicted for years i keep putting off the withdrawal schedule the doctor gave me because it's terrifying. don't touch these things unless you really need them they're horrible

i conceive of my issues as structurally/politically determined and of this conception as some vague resistance to the neoliberal model of mental health - which can alleviate guilt and can make my problems feel more external but also maybe inevitable and intractible as long as i'm doing fuck all about it (neoliberal guilt comes rushing back)

those are mostly not great. i try to meditate which can help when i'm able. being in the park is nice when i can face the crowds i need to pass to get there. birds are nice to watch. seeing plants change, trying to learn what they are and how they work. reading fiction for the first time since childhood. these feel a lot healthier but take more effort as they are less familiar. i'm trying to turn them into habits to make myself into a calmer and nicer person

one problem is the world and how it's going

i smoke a lot of weed and sit in a hot tub every night for 60 minutes. The weed mostly works.

I agree with Left that benzos are a poor choice, I have prescriptions but only use them for utterly sleepless nights, getting on airplanes, or emergency situations. They are horrible to get off of if you take them with any regularity.

one problem is the world and how it's going

my therapist recommended not paying attention to the world because in face the world is going to hell. that felt both affirming and also annoying.

ignoring it is delusional, acknowledging it is scary, embracing it is heartless, hard to know which is best/worst

I do use cognitive psychology and some Buddhist philosophy to deal with anxiety. I am a worrier.
But I also just feel like at this point in my life I am never going to change with regards to hating social times.
I just feel like an alien in a human body observing and trying not to be noticed. I work from home now so maybe I'm just not used to it anymore

but even before I would just go to the office, enter the back door, sneak into my desk and rarely talk to anyone

another day when i can't even make it out the front door

I feel you, it will ease tho

my son has been prescribed Sertraline for the heightened anxiety states/meltdowns that are a daily occurrence, felt like asking the doc please prescribe me something as well, the strongest shit you've got pls!

I think the fear is that anything could happen, but it's not entirely satisfying to know what will happen.

Is there such a thing as observation anxiety? Like hating to be observed by others?

I can't stand having multiple eyes on me. Even talking to a table of say, over about 5 people, I would find awful unless I knew them really well.

But if you could write a blurb and have someone else read it that would be ok I assume. Unless you are still in the room and everyone knows yo u wrote it and they look at you

Sometimes I feel like I struggle to seem chipper and happy enough when in the presence of others. Like if I let down my guard they will see how much I want them to go away

And sunny successor's/Treppel's advice is likely good, but I would rather complain on internet and self-medicate rather than delve into sssssri's

― dell, Wednesday, January 9, 2008 7:40 PM (fifteen years ago) bookmarkflaglink

In hindsight, this is very fair and I completely agree.

Sertraline has been absolutely transformative for my son. I quite selfishly don't even want to think about the negative side effects of sssri's because I doubt I could cope with a return to how it was before the prescription started.

Glad it’s working out, Calzino!

Thing is, sometimes there are negative side effects but it's case by case. I'll never knock the utility even when they're not working for me

xp
thanks s s.

This extremely pompous management guy from his college was being quite dismissive about the Sertraline, like as if perhaps I wasn't crediting the college enough with the turnaround or he had some personal problem with ssri's that he wasn't sharing with me. But the one to one staff (whose opinions actually matter to me) who work with him tend to notice things like daily self-harm just abruptly not happening any more - just right after he started on it!

i mentioned this on another thread but i tried ssris over the holiday and that's a big fuck no for me

but i could see where, in a different world of self-harm and violent ideation, they might be life savers.
no shade on what's working for your family.

I’m really glad your son has found some relief, calzino

i feel like i've been doing a lot lately. late hours on thursday nights make me feel fragile on fridays. a few things possibly changing in the coming weeks mean more work.

i'm petting my cat and watching this video, trying to remember how to float.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5B4RLRt3X0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rDjPLvOShM

very nice, map. the most sacred genre on youtube is long unedited mounted train cams.

the tough thing about SSRIs is that the first few weeks, even if they are a good fit for you, are absolute hell, and you basically have to find a convenient time to experience that which is...difficult whomever you are.

and it's not like after that it's leveled out perfectly, you just start to feel closer to normal but you still aren't used to it yet so every so often you still feel a little off. so it's sometimes hard to tell if the particular drug is a good fit because you don't know what is body adjusting vs "ok this just ain't it".

I lost my girlfriend at the time I started Effexor (which I lol seem to have documented here under a sockpuppet name back then) because we were already starting to have issues and me being zoned the fuck out for two months and seeming on another planet (and doing a poor job of communicating it to her) was just too much for her, and in hindsight I didn't blame her. just sucked as it was the healthiest relationship I had (we're still close friends) and had I done a bit better job communicating and we'd have found a way to hold on, she would have gotten the healthiest side of me she'd ever gotten.

xp definitely! they're magic. the norway ones are some of the best. i'm happy to hear about your son and the sertraline btw :)

i have more thoughts about the train videos lol. there are more scenic ones and more everyday ones. some of the scenic ones are really stunning and a nice mix of things, but i've watched a lot of them so now i'm usually on the lookout for the latter. you kind of have to embrace being bored as you watch them, and then you get into what i call "the zone" - where the constantly changing scenery is like this woven blanket of time, and you're zoned out in the center. you start to notice odd details, little slices of life on the side that sort of pile up, and wonder about architecture and daily life etc. occasionally you get one with compression artifacts that make it hard to relax into it. the uploader of that german video has a bunch and there's something about the camera settings i really like, the footage looks oddly film-like.

I love that 9:56 video, especially from 7.46 onwards when the landscape is so stark

Effexor was what I tried! It sucked! Ok this just ain't it was where I landed pretty fast.

I don't know if this is anxiety or just me, but today I got an email from a service provider that suggests my contract was cancelled because I didn't do something to renew it, which means I have potentially lost some money. And from that moment my heart rate shot up, I felt sick and panicky and it's taken me all day to calm down and try and think rationally about it. It's the fear I did something wrong combined with me emailing back and forth with someone to try and prove that actually, I'm right, but I don't want to be difficult, but I'm annoyed they said X (we will ask you if we need anything) and didn't do it.
Rationally it's annoying if I have lost the money, but not super important in the grand scheme of things. But also I want to try and make my case in the most straightforward way I can, but they're not just agreeing or seeing things my way!

It's not just this kind of thing, it's any time I think I've said something too far/that can be misinterpreted to someone online/over messaging etc, or even if I remember something at work I should have checked - my heart just races and it's like my body can't deal even though my mind is like 'look just calm down and let me deal with it, it's fine, no-one's dying'.

Are you by chance peri-menopausal? Because once I started the transition the anxiety situation got bad enough that I sought help, got medication changed up/initiated, started therapy, the works really.

It is better but goddamn I would not wish it on anyone.

i did wonder, especially as a year or so ago I was having palpitations (got checked out, told it was "anxiety" although I really don't think I was knowingly anxious about anything) but I don't actually think so, or perhaps it's a really gradual thing. I've felt like this before when actually stressful stuff happens but it's triggered by all sorts of things at the moment.

the trick about anxiety is that when you first begin suffering from it, you will be convinced it's the last thing it could be.

because sometimes it just shows up and causes all of these physical manifestations, sometimes when you think you feel calm and unstressed, because it's subconscious and manifesting itself in ways that make you have to notice it.

when mine first took off, I began noticing hand and eye twitches, tingling in hands, a feeling of blood rushing in my leg, all of this stuff, and I was convinced something was physically wrong with me because "what, I swear I am fine!", and when I finally wound up in a hospital and a doctor said "your tests are all fine - here's a Xanax", I think that was my body's way of saying "I was trying to send you a message this whole time!"

(and then, of course, the other problem is, sometimes 'anxiety' becomes the lazy diagnosis from professionals when there is actually physically something wrong - particularly when the patients are women, but I doubt I have to tell anybody that itt, sadly :(