Great Messageboard Rhetorical Devices that Never Ever On Any Account Get Old, No Sir

2. "My answer to this question is [BAND/FILM/ARTIST/MONKEY X]. Close thread." - Yes, as the world's number one authority on Bands/Films/Artists/Monkeys, you have rendered all further discussion unnecessary. We'll get on with our work now, cheers.

3. ^^^

4. The Art of Pretend Forgetfulness

5. "I was drunk".

5. Narcissism of Small Differences

My number 5 was better than yours.

7. *opens popcorn*

8. Doing 'CTRL-F - Nabisco', then scrolling to the end of the thread and going 'Nabisco OTM' to save you having to articulate your own throughts but nevertheless show everyone how right you are.

9. lawl

10. Pretending to be completely unaware of the most commonly recognisable social behaviour and asserting that only a strawman would ever behave thusly.

11. BRINGING IT WITH THE CAPS LOCK TO INDICATE YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS (BUT YOU ARE REALLY)

12. "I have an answer of Aristotelian insight to your pwnage of me but I cannot type it in at the moment as I have to go and bath the kids/walk the dog/repaint the Forth Road Bridge/I am drunk."

13. See 12 but with 'I have to go to the pub' because MY LIFE IS TOO MUCH FUN TO BE WASTING IT LIKE YOU TEDIOUS INTERNET LOSERS.

14. Misanthropy-as-avoidance tactic

15. Affected distaste for meta threads despite posting on every single one.

16. great thread

15b. Affected distaste for meta ILX threads despite posting on every single one.

16. LIST THREAD: I CAN'T BELIEVE NOBODY HAS MENTIONED THE THING I AM ABOUT TO SUGGEST, WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN WHERE NOBODY BEFORE ME HAS REFERRED TO THIS GREATEST, MOST ARCHETYPAL TYPE OF PIZZA/SONG WHICH HAS THREE BRACKETED WORDS IN THE TITLE/BULLSEYE OUTTAKE*

* BONUS POINTS IF SCANDALOUSLY ABSENT PIZZA/SONG WHICH HAS THREE BRACKETED WORDS IN THE TITLE/BULLSEYE OUTTAKE WAS ACTUALLY MENTIONED EIGHT TIMES IN THE FIRST POST ON THE THREAD AND ON EVERY THIRD POST SUBSEQUENTLY

17. Brits/Americans going O_o at each other

18. "I'm not going to engage with your point about the morality of child labour but I would like to start a 250-post diversion on the subject of you mistyping 'labour'".

17b "Goddamit Britishes why is some of your culture different to ours?"

19: HAHAHAHAH! MY SO CALLED "TROLLING" THAT GOT YUO ALL SO WOUND UP WAS ACTUALLY SOMETHING IN THE NATURE OF A PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT THAT I HAVE BEEN RUNNING ON YOU LAMERS!!! AND YOU HAVE ALL FAILED THE TEST!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I WIN FOEVER!!!! YOU ARE ALL FAGZ!!!!!!

20. "Actually half of these aren't rhetorical devices at all".

yeah, this is turning into IN EVERY ILX THREAD EVER

19: HAHAHAHAH! MY SO CALLED "TROLLING" THAT GOT YUO ALL SO WOUND UP WAS ACTUALLY SOMETHING IN THE NATURE OF A PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT THAT I HAVE BEEN RUNNING ON YOU LAMERS!!! AND YOU HAVE ALL FAILED THE TEST!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I WIN FOEVER!!!! YOU ARE ALL FAGZ!!!!!!

This gets really old. Vetoed.

19b "I was being racist ironically, duh. Look, I'll prove it by being even more racist. Ironically."

21. "No, really, it's been scientifically proven that black people are crazy/hispanics are dirty/jews are greedy/women are subservient, why won't you people listen to RATIONALITY and REASON?"

23. "Numbering is fucked."

24. Fictional expert witness to thread.

25. Replacing band/song/footballer/comedian name with sexually-related pun in order to indicate it is deserving of no more critical attention than the three words you've already given it. The classic being Coldplay 'COCKS MORE LIKE!'

26. "In EVERY BAR I've been in lately, I've been approached by a straw man who has proven my argument to be correct."

27. "We've done this."

28. "done"

29. lolcats

30. Cutting and pasting one sentence or part of a sentence from someone else's post to "prove" they're wrong, and not even bothering to explain why you think they're wrong.

31. I asked my girlfriend about this, and she agreed with me.

30. Cutting and pasting one sentence or part of a sentence from someone else's post to "prove" they're wrong, and not even bothering to explain why you think they're wrong.

-- Tuomas, Friday, February 1, 2008 11:32 AM

32. Misquoting
33. If black people want to get ahead in society, maybe they should stop committing so many crimes.

-- Tuomas, Friday, 1 February 2008 11:32 (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

34. implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated
implicitly absurd statements italicized and/or repeated

35. ^ban

36. "Even [famously stupid and/or clueless and/or creepy poster] thinks that was a really stupid/clueless/creepy thing to say"

37. "i'm not cross. in fact I'm enjoying this!"

38. ken c posting first thing that comes into his head

39. and the second thing

40. the third thing too

41. needless assault on probably decent poster

42. ^who the fuck is this?

43. branding people racist, sexist, fascist because they don't agree with you.

we did this already

44. "we did this already"

45. "we did this already"

we did this already.

we actually did that already.
ah xpost.

I did that already

let someone else have a turn

we're not gonna do that. already.

46. branding people racist, sexist, fascist because they type racist, sexist, fascist comments

yeah, that's lazy too.

47. Only posting to polls to object to the omission of some stupid entry that 3 people in the world care about.

48. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE THREAD GOT THIS FAR WITHOUT SOMEONE MENTIONING GIS

47b: posting to a poll to complain about the omission of a stupid entry that 3 people in the world care about, that you wouldn't even have VOTED FOR had it been included.

^^^ was going to mention that

48. posting in unpunctuated lowercase to affect an air of casual indifference to the whole enterprise

49. adding quick follow-ups to unpunctuated lowercase posts in feigned spontaneity

50. Stream of inventively-combined profanity that goes on for 4 lines in order to show disdain for popular music track by obscure group.

51. This band >>>>>>>> that band >>>>> other band >>>>> having life

52. Feigned lack of understanding of something beloved by millions of people.

53. Using old-ilx memes in 2008 is U&K

54. Feigned lack of understanding of rhetorical nature of poster's comment. "Coldplay certainly are not the worst band to have ever existed, there have been hundreds of bands with lesser musical ability."

we did this already

-- Ronan, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:11 (20 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

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44. "we did this already"

-- Ronan, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:11 (20 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

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45. "we did this already"

we did this already.

-- Ronan, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:12 (19 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

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we actually did that already.
ah xpost.

-- darraghmac, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:12 (19 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

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I did that already

-- Ronan, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:14 (16 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

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let someone else have a turn

-- blueski, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:17 (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

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we're not gonna do that. already.

-- darraghmac, Friday, 1 February 2008 13:17 (13 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

This is the thread where we turn into that annoying bloke from the Bank advert...

46. Cutting and pasting one sentence or part of a sentence from someone else's post to "prove" they're wrong, and changing the key bit to reflect your own contrary opinion

-- Tuomas, Friday, 1 February 2008 11:32 (1 hour ago) Bookmark Link

Fixed

55. "I am so not going out this weekend" to indicate entirely sincere excitement and appreciation for Football Manager/The Wire box set/online game where you try and have sex with a virtual lady.

56. writing "LOL indie" whilst wearing Sultans of Ping teeshirt

57. "best thread eva". its not.

58. Three paragraph post about the stupidity of online arguments and the awful people that start them chocka with thinly-veiled character assassination, self-justification and mis-timed zings.

59. Reacting to a typo/spelling mistake made by someone you disagree with by pretending to be so illiterate that you can't understand written English when somebody misses a letter/mixes up "their" and "there"/puts an apostrophe in the wrong place, and thinking that feigning a lack of reading comprehension somehow makes you look cleverer.

"more clever"

pardon?

60. Pointless, inappropriate and almost undetectable use of sarcasm.
61. Calling people idiots when they fail to percieve that what appears to be a bizarre non-sequiter is in fact a masterpiece of ironic humour.

62. fucking americans being inconsiderate and posting in the middle of the night so that when I get up in the morning all the threads I was following have disappeared

63. Weak pun designed to defuse tension in weekly clusterfuck thread.

64. One sentence toss-off lines used to feign easiness with and complete understanding of enormously complex economic and/or geopolitical issue

65. PASSIVE AGGRESSION

66. AGGRESSIVE PASSION

67. Saying you agree with someone while making it perfectly obvious you do not really agree with them at all: eg Gareth on Geir "^^^I agree with this racist".

68. Endlessly recycling a humourous jpeg as a shorthand for something or other ie 'Gier is a robot'.

This should be a poll. A lot of these are 24K gold but the one that makes me all killy-kill-killy is that "close thread"/"end of" line, which actually manages to convey the image of glasses being pushed back up the bridge of the poster's nose.

69. Saying "this should be a poll".

GEIRBOT 4 LIFE

70. "Thatcherkid"

71. Whateveryourpointis.jpg

72. Making your point in a changeable email address/username (RIP).

73. Offering olive branch to poster you're arguing with thru medium of shared disdain for third poster.

74. "Esteemed Gentlemen I have achieved Poppage"

75. Pretending that highly contentious/rong opinion is shared by all human beings ever throughout recorded history.

76. Value of post mapped to football formation

(this appears to have got old quite quickly)

I'd kind of like to start a companion thread in which we propose rhetorical devices new to ILX to be adopted during the coming year. But it's Friday afternoon, so prolly not worth it eh?

77. Footballing metaphors for level of success with girls.

eg "The Gaffer is considering sending you to Scunthorpe on loan."

"Maccer fizzed it across the box and it went in off me arse."

"yeah it went a bit David Busst"

Ouch.

78. "That's not a point of view - that's a personal attack on me"

79. "That's just your opinion though"

Yeah, that "lock thread"/"end thread" thing is annoying, isn't it.

It's okay as a response to a grade A zing, in the sense of "that post won't be topped". It's blood-boiling in the sense of "Everybody knows that Neil Young released the best Drum'n'Bass album of all time".

80. "I don't know why I bother - now I understand why X gave up on ilx. I don't blame him/her "

(haven't had that one for a while come to think of it)

81. Asking easily Googleable question in order to spark clusterfuck in order to complain about clusterfuck.

82. Implying that a poster's opinion is invalid because of their assumed sexual orientation.

83. Using posters real name to add gravitas

64. One sentence toss-off lines used to feign easiness with and complete understanding of enormously complex economic and/or geopolitical issue

-- Hurting 2, 01 February 2008 13:46 (31 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

OTM, end thread.

(links to depressingly stupid/argumentative/n00d sp0kc thread from '01)

yeah, old-ilx was obviously GRATE compared to today, wasn't it. {rollseyes.gif}

65. Implying forum standards have slipped recently.

66. sudden outbreak of competitive list making

84. Misnumbering list posts for comedic effect.

68 Scraping the barrel when the thread has long run its course

__________________________________________________________________________________________

69 REVIVE CRAP THREAD

70. Request ban for revival of crap thread

71. Highlighting poignant luna reference to being a completely made-up person in newly revived thread.

72. achewood reference

I don't even know who you are.

"I don't even know who you are" is the most annoying one.

73. Switching the "a" and "h" in "what" to indicate "you are completely nuts"

It's pretty annoying, yes. xp

74. Finding it completely "hilarious" when posters take something serious seriously.

this thread is perfect, guys. none of these are old to me, for real.

http://www.crazy-jeepman.com/sue/Thanks%20For%20Sharing%20Animation.gif

the reception on that horse is terrible, give it a whack

Transporter malfunction.

75. http://cosgan.de/images/midi/ekelig/a050.gif
76. Godwin's Law
77. Conversations about New York Giants defense turning into discussion of men's cuff links.

74. Finding it completely "hilarious" when posters take something serious seriously.

-- stet, Friday, February 1, 2008 11:33 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Link

74a. Deliberately insulting a poster followed by feigned bafflement that he/she is insulted

78 Geir-Baiting

I like the idea of "Geir-Baiting" becoming a term for a general rhetorical device. "Oh Buckley, there you go with your Geir baiting again."

I hear Parliment are pushing through a biil to ban Geir baiting. It will soon only be possible to witness in the back rooms of seedy east nd pubs.

"East End pubs"

Typical PC nonsense. The Geirs love it, else they wouldn't take part.

You have to keep the Geir population down somehow.

That's rubbish. Wild Geirs will never break into chicken coops when stocks of their natural prey - rappers, 12-tone composers, James Brown - are plentiful.

Be that as it may, all I know is urban Geirs wake me up every night going through my dustbins for discarded breakbeats and metal riffs. Something must be done.

79 HITLER!

80. real/ serious answer: X

81. mods banning people they don't agree with

lol that's not rhetorical at all

lol of course it is, it's an official stfu

So if a bouncer throws you out of a pub he's using a rhetorical device?

i don't know why yr so butthurt about this

xpost

Absolutely not. When him and 3 of his mates kick the shit out of you in an alley round the back is the rhetorical device.

82. http://www.sendpage.org/img/P-raccoon.gif

83. "I'm harder and more working class than you, and if you talked that shit 'round my ends you'd get whacked up."

"What is the mission of NOAA's National Weather Service? "

84. "You don't like this movie/song/book/whatever? Well, I'd like to see YOU do better!"

85. On a 3-second scan this thread is so chocka with asinine that I'm gonna gently tiptoe back out the door now.

-- Noodle Vague, Wednesday, 30 January 2008 08:18 (3 days ago) Link

I was a butthurt cos libcrypt was employing 64. One sentence toss-off lines used to feign easiness with and complete understanding of enormously complex economic and/or geopolitical issue

I was a butthurt?

86. "Comedy" Italian/Super Mario writing style.

87. If by x you mean a y quite unlike x then I agree wholeheartedly.

88. 'pointed' lyrics, c + p'd

So? I think -you're- Nude Spock, and we both can't be Nude Spock. I say, truce.

-- burt_stanton, Friday, February 1, 2008 11:35 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

YOU'VE GOT NO FRIENDS
YOU STAY HOME ALL DAY
YOU'VE BEEN TO EVERY WEBSITE
BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING GAY

THE INTERNET IS FUCKING GAY
YOU FUCKING FAGGOT, LOSER, QUEER, NERD, ETC.

YOU'VE GOT NO FRIENDS
YOU STAY HOME ALL DAY
YOU'VE BEEN TO EVERY WEBSITE
BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING GAY

"Goddamit Britishes why is some of your culture different to ours?"

89. Saying something so completely random and non sequitur, but with just enough of the semblance of a coherent comeback, that yr antagonist fucks off to another thread, baffled.

90. There was a story about this in the Daily Mail yesterday.

xpost - it's like the awesome paradox sentence that can never earnestly be said!

91. yawn
92. "this thread sucks"

93. Saw this on BoingBoing 3 months ago.

94. ...

94. ...

95. this.

96. IT'S "NAUSEATED," DIMWIT.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary of English Usage says firmly: “Any handbook that tells you that nauseous cannot mean ‘nauseated’ is out of touch with the contemporary language. In current usage it seldom means anything else”.

97. I'm getting a BJ from my sister right now so your reproof is lo-pri.

98. http://www.anotherwebsite.com/somethingiwroteaboutthis.html

99. quoting someone's post above yours with strikethroughs that change the meaning to the opposite of what they wrote.

!00) grebt thred

We're at 100; can we just lock this?

^^^ Rhetorical device?

101) Thinking that posting a picture is equal to making a pointed comment.

(though sometimes it is )

Some people on this thread have an interesting definition of rhetoric.

102. Pointless snidey pedantry.
103. People ignoring their own criticisms.

This is boring self-righteous thread.

Glad you could stop by.