gff's rolling thread for nutty mn headlines

So let's see some evidence.

Winona bishop says cemetery vandalism may show 'satanic attitude'

http://www.startribune.com/local/15585962.html

Naked sushi nights come to Minneapolis
http://www.startribune.com/local/15590152.html

Naked sushi coming to Minneapolis
http://www.twincities.com/ci_8244349

"We have everything in Minneapolis except one thing and that's naked sushi"

haha that pham guy, i saw him in Metro magazine (which is pretty much like an in-flight magazine about minneapolis for ppl that live in minneapolis -- HEY HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE CC CLUB? OMG SUCH A DIVE! DONT MISS THE SCULPTURE GARDEN)...but anyway he seems like a douche and a half.

i think he got beat up outside of azia though which is really shitty : (

Woman bicycling in St. Cloud with shotgun strapped to her back is arrested

http://www.startribune.com/15763067.html

You know, I like sushi and I like naked people but FOR SOME REASON the idea of eating sushi off of naked people seems really fucking gross.

Also wasn't "Satanic Attitude" a late-era Patti Labelle song?

xpost Well, if it is naked STRANGERS, yes that is definitely gross.

But you're right, even if you knew the naked person (people?!) very well, I kind of feel like soy sauce, wasabi, sweet rice, nori, and raw fish don't quite gel with the concept of naked people.

This thread makes me wish I paid more attention to the Minnesota media, though.

just when i thought this thread was a dim idea:

Court upholds man's conviction for having sex with dead deer

http://www.startribune.com/local/15801317.html

^^ actually in WI, oh noes

The 21-year-old Hathaway told investigators that he saw a dead deer in a ditch near Superior in fall 2006 and could not stop himself from having sex with it after he dragged it into the woods.

call me old fashioned, but i don't think wasabi should be anywhere near anyone's private parts

Or deer.

cmon it's not like you're gonna be eating california rolls of a dude's taint or anything, tom pham's a class act

call me old fashioned, but i don't really dig fucking dead animals

^^ actual quote from the judge

List of People I'm Inviting To The Cabin For Deer Season:

Uncle Rich
John Justen
Rick
Jim

I can think of a couple of people whose private parts could probably use some wasabi.

apparently we're learning our lesson re: deer

Boy lets buck go but keeps his integrity

http://www.startribune.com/local/15992797.html

the follow up of "man beats son for being 'a by-the-book pussy'" should make for a good headline too.

"we could have been fucking an 8-pointer by sundown you little shiteater"

hahahaha

Man with 'menacing-looking' sword shot by St. Paul police

http://www.startribune.com/local/16348956.html

http://www.gamethink.net/IMG/png/playstation_Final_Fantasy_VII-Cloud_by_nomura.png

Grenades discovered in Edina apartment building

http://www.startribune.com/local/16961626.html

man it's a strange day already. a (wo)man bites dog story!

To save her Lab, Minneapolis woman bites pit bull on nose
http://www.startribune.com/local/17247504.html

and

Babes in Toyland drummer Barbero charged with DWI
Babes in Toyland drummer rammed her garage, house
http://www.twincities.com/ci_8774884

:-(

bad things happening to Lori is just fine with me

WAI?

long, true, libelous story about a friend of mine that i won't post here other than to say she deserves whatever bad things she gets and more

it's animal cruelty day in our neck of the woods:

Minnesotan admits killing bear in Wisconsin, lying about it when confronted
http://www.startribune.com/local/18047209.html

Faribault man charged with dumping puppies
http://www.startribune.com/local/18053334.html

According to the complaint, Wright, 44, admitted that he ditched the dogs at the Kwik Trip North in Faribault because of "interbreeding and financial problems." ... The puppies -- named Taxi and Iris because they were found on tax filing day -- will be available for adoption in June if they survive.

oh god kwik trip

oh god Faribault

i'm sure we've all had interbreeding and financial issues, at one time.

M@tt, Sara, and gff otm.

New revealing Starbucks logo has group screaming 'Slutbucks!'

http://www.startribune.com/nation/18969709.html

there's the first one in seattle that's always had that logo. gave me a raging boner when we drove by.

http://www.chass.utoronto.ca/~sajamato/Ang4.JPG

st1ff b0narz, srsly

anything that makes Christian groups scream 'Slutbucks!' has to be a good idea

sounds like a satanic attitude to me!

(CG's shouting that, I mean, not you braveclub)

Wish I had a link for it, but once in a Mankato newspaper I read this headline:

"Toast A Symbol Of American Democracy"

The girl who had just dumped me at the time was (and still is?) dating a guy who regularly wrote for this publication.

All said and done, pretty difficult to argue that it wasn't for the better.

this just in:

Naked Ugg boot ram-raider jailed

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/coventry_warwickshire/7404582.stm

gff's rolling thread for nutty mn headlines

Great headline, tho.

Stearns County bans bar shows featuring extreme body piercing
http://www.startribune.com/local/19106684.html

The show involves people suspended from hooks implanted in their backs and other forms of extreme body modification.

Health officials say the show violates city regulations limiting tattooing and body piercing to licensed establishments.

Sartell passed a similar restriction earlier this month.

Stearns County ends extreme body piercing shows in bars, restaurants
http://www.sctimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080520/NEWS01/105200041/1009

Concerns about the potential spread of disease prompted the ban, said Don Adams, county environmental services director.

“Strictly from a public health perspective, we feel that these activities are not appropriate for food and beverage establishments,” Adams said.

Minn. motivational speaker faces attempted murder charges
http://www.startribune.com/local/19209544.html

MINNEAPOLIS - His message: 10 seconds can change your life forever.

But now in custody on attempted murder charges, prosecutors say motivational speaker Russell Simon Jr. used his 10 seconds to make horrible choices.

Earlier this month at his home in east-central Minnesota, Simon allegedly took off all his clothes and fired shots at his girlfriend and his old prison buddy. He also got into fights with the man and kept his gun nearby as he forced his girlfriend to perform oral sex on him. He threatened to kill her and her 9-year-old son — who was in the house — if she didn't comply, according to a criminal complaint.

One sunbather among two sexually assaulted by man offering massages
http://www.startribune.com/local/19560879.html

According to police:

On June 1, a man introduced himself as "Craig" to a woman sunbathing in the 100 block of Stadium Road. He repeatedly offered her a massage. At one point, he asked her for a drink. She obliged and went into her apartment. He followed her into the apartment, again offered her a massage and then sexually assaulted her.

...

The suspect also has several distinguishing characteristics: a large stomach, hairy upper body, a large head, a larger than normal nose and a high forehead. His voice was described as high-pitched. He also had a pimple or sore that was red and possibly irritated above the right side of his mouth.

During one incident, he had no shirt on, was wearing shorts and was barefooted. In the other, he had on a button-up shirt with a logo on it.

I used to live on the 100 block of Stadium Rd.

...

I just realized how long ago that was and that I'm still in Mankato ;_;

Another red letter day around here:

Charges: Man ties up mother of his child, tortures her with hot spoon
http://www.startribune.com/local/28284389.html

A Minneapolis man bound the mother of his child with a telephone cord in her Burnsville apartment, told her "he loved the smell of burnt flesh" and then tortured her with a hot spoon, according to criminal charges.

...

The woman said she and Milton Brasson were arguing at about 1:30 a.m. He was "blaming her for the fact that [their son] is developmentally delayed."

The victim reported that he shoved her, punched her twice in the back of the head, pulled her hair and began choking her until she twice blacked out. He then threatened to put a hot spoon on her eyelids so she couldn't see.

St. Paul man doesn't contest threat charge in case of dead kitten
http://www.startribune.com/local/28267999.html

According to the charges, Turner allegedly threatened the kitten's owner before he went on trial for felony animal cruelty, telling her, "You better not show up for court ... if you know what's good for you."

The 29-year-old St. Paul man threw the kitten during an argument with his girlfriend, who apparently borrowed the kitten and didn't want to return it.

how do you borrow a kitten?

Crowd cheered Metrodome sexcapade

http://www.startribune.com/local/35084269.html

While the Iowa Hawkeyes were scoring at will on the field Saturday night, two fans from the Hawkeye State also were scoring elsewhere in the Metrodome.

Police say that a man and woman were "having relations" in one of the bathroom stalls as a crowd cheered them on.

The man, 26 and from Linden, Iowa, and the woman 38 and from Carroll, Iowa, were cited for misdemeanor indecent conduct. He was released to his girlfriend and she to her husband, police said.

A security guard came upon the scene in the handicapped stall, police said. Police were summoned, and they separated the two.

Both were intoxicated, said Deputy Police Chief Chuck Miner.

time for me to revive my favorite, lamest thread

Eagan man with parody of city's Web site charged with shakedown of man his wife had affair with

http://www.twincities.com/ci_12899507?source=most_viewed

One of the doctored images was of the man with writing superimposed over his shirt that read, "I cheat on my wife."

Typed on the page was the text, "This King Douche cheated on his wife for 2.5 years while he made her work two jobs to make up for his low paying job he has at (his employer). ... While (victim) said he was working, he was really cheating on his wife and giving away marijuana from his garage."

Another image was of the son of the victim's wife, with print superimposed over the son's sweat shirt that read, "My daddy shaves his pee pee."

Eagan, ladeez and gents.

this one's a doozy, some real theodore dreiser shit

Swinging bat kills baby at prayer service in Wheaton, Minn.
http://www.startribune.com/local/57306882.html

Attacker in death of Minnesota toddler was her father's best man
http://www.argusleader.com/article/20090906/UPDATES/90906007

It started with a dispute over a washer and dryer...

Armed with the bat and a 2-by-4, David E. Collins and Darryl G. Kennedy burst into the church, where a prayer service was going, on just before 7 p.m., the Sheriff's Office said.

They came in, swinging, through separate doors

ommmgg

Where the fuck is Wheaton?

holy fucking shit

(surprised that isn't HSTNGS tbh)

Srsly

day of freud

Teen saved friends as dad shot up home
http://www.startribune.com/local/west/64711597.html

As dispatchers listened for almost 20 horrifying minutes, four teenagers trapped in a Hudson home were shot at repeatedly by a man who was later critically wounded by deputies early Sunday morning.

St. Croix County authorities said that among the targets of Daniel Christenson, 43, was his 19-year-old son Zach, who not only managed to escape getting shot by his father but also was able to call 911 shortly before 6 p.m. Saturday.

Son charged with stabbing father to death in Stillwater
http://www.startribune.com/local/64755212.html

Officers found Gregory Janisch lying in a pool of blood in the entry way of the residence. They saw a wound to the chest and asked Gregory who stabbed him.

"My son, he's bipolar," Gregory said. Then, thinking he didn't have much time, Gregory told officers, "Hurry guys hurry, I'm not going to make it."

second one is so awful. dunno why i still do this tbh... compelling shit

first amendment angle to this one:

Minn. man suspected of encouraging people online to commit suicide; 2 deaths under scrutiny
http://www.startribune.com/local/64580197.html

MINNEAPOLIS - A nurse who authorities say got his kicks by visiting Internet suicide chat rooms and encouraging depressed people to kill themselves is under investigation in at least two deaths and could face criminal charges that could test the limits of the First Amendment.

Minnesotan ingenuity at its finest

UNDERCOVER LUNCH LADY

http://wcco.com/local/kids.use.manners.2.1712717.html

hahahha amelia undercover!

but....

it must be said.........

(ws)

with gusto!

frank vascellaro is a herb IMO

no doubt

Man believed clowns were attacking home in Roberts, Wis.

Mother's house shot up; Arizona visitor admitted taking hallucinogen

http://www.twincities.com/localnews/ci_15509218?nclick_check=1

Police responded early Friday to a call of shots fired at a home in Roberts and found a man apparently hallucinating an attack by clowns.

The 40-year-old man, armed with a shotgun, had fired several shots in his mother's home. It also appeared that he fired a shot at his mother and visiting father as they fled from the home in a vehicle, said St. Croix County Sheriff Dennis Hillstead.

Who hasn't had that fear, really.

we should totally party with that dude

DWI charges: Mankato mayor's breath test: 0.24

http://www.startribune.com/local/101508754.html

He was arrested Saturday by Golden Valley police on Interstate 394. Police said his speech was so slurred that an officer thought he was speaking a foreign language.

classic mugshot too

god bless you mankato, you are a source for drunk lols that has no peer

my mayor! my gf used to serve this guy at her coffeeshop, said he was a total ass, is shadenfreuding hard.

*schadenfreuding

hahaha i can't stop lol'ing at these

http://www.twincities.com/ci_17852023?nclick_check=1

http://www.hastingsstargazette.com/event/article/id/24571

something bad happened at a drama club party! they canceled the spring musical! nobody can say what they did!

(via DJP on fb)

all of the full quotes from each of those stories:

"If those behaviors were to occur in a hallway or a classroom, they would not be allowed, and there would be consequences," said Superintendent Tim Collins.

Hastings Police Chief Paul Schnell said school staff briefed the high school's resource officer about allegations of possible hazing, but, he said, "Nothing in there rose to the criminal level."

Collins said the high school has turned the incident into a teachable moment. "There were definitely positives to this situation," he said. "Students recognized their behavior had crossed the line that evening."

Cast members planned what they thought was going to be a “positive, welcoming experience,” for new members of the club, according to HHS principal Mike Johnson.

“It turned in to a situation where there was a lot of anger, fear and confusion,” Johnson said. “There were a series of things that went wrong.”

“It was still serious enough for us to have consequences for the students involved,” Johnson said. “It was one of those things that the Drama Club, as a group, had to own it. The individuals had to own it. There were some individual consequences, as well as some group consequences.”

“When they realized some kids were going through this and weren’t taking this the way they intended, they stopped it themselves,” Johnson said. “Then they came to school and reported it themselves. They stopped it, and they reported it.”

“Like any good dramatic production, they wanted to give people a new experience,” he said. “It was one of those things that the people involved took their part in that too far.”

“It has been a hard week for a lot of people here,” Johnson said. “There’s already signs that people are going to work together and try to be understanding and move forward. We want to learn from it and move forward.”

“No one should have to go through that,” Johnson said. “A lot of the kids and parents recognized that. Even though there’s disappointment on all parts, there’s an understanding. They knew it could go wrong. When it did go wrong, they stopped it. Kids have to realize in situation like that, how it can turn out.”

You criminals.

(er not, DJP on fb, some other dude we know, heh)

Too late, I blame you both. It's Hastings, Jake.

that story is amazing.

hahaha what the hell

see stuff like this makes me think fondly of Hastings, which is dangerous because it's actually terrible

a friend of mine who now works for the strib used to be the editor in chief of the hastings star gazette...i have sent him this story to see if he can work any of his sources.

that's the most bizarrely written story i've ever read.

The responses in comments. And this is it, all three comments:

Jeff Gerber said: On April 7, 2011 at 10:30 AM
Couldn’t you give us even a little hint of what happened?

ted said: On April 7, 2011 at 11:30 AM
Yeah – what he said. This story is so absent of substance that it cannot be news. Essentially this story tells me that ‘something’ happened that ‘wasn’t hazing’ but ‘was serious’ and ‘involved people’ but not ‘drugs’ or ‘alcohol’. What – do we have to do a crossword to find out? Is this news or some kind of ‘club’ where if you know then you know…

Chad Richardson said: On April 7, 2011 at 12:58 PM
Hi Jeff and Ted. I’m sorry the story is lacking the information on what exactly happened. We are still trying to find that out and all we have to go on right now are rumors.

Journalism!

omg this story is all over the web, hahahahahahahahahaha

why are the Connecticut Post and Education Week reposting this AP story (because it is hilarious)

ilikecats
Saint Michael, MN

I know what happened. I spoke to someone that was there, and she told me what happened. I'd tell all of you, but then I'd have to kill you. Sorry.

also lol @ the ppl who are shocked and amazed that 40 ppl would be at a HHS Drama Club party; I thought that sounded small based on cast parties we had for Joseph, West Side Story and The Sound of Music!

I was going to doubt you but this 'commons' area seems bigger than most of my old high school inclusive:

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2011/0415/20110415_104309_hastingsHighSchol.jpg

The Hastings High School commons area includes an actual bridge that crosses the three-story space. It also serves as a symbol of the city, situated at the Mississippi and Vermillion rivers, and its long history of bridges.

Sherlock
Minneapolis, MN

Here's what happened...

All the Seniors forced the underclass-folks to perform CATS. If this was done in the hallways or classrooms, it would not have been tolerated either.

on a serious tip, the culture war really has no boundaries:

NEW PC SPIN DR
Stillwater, MN

maybe a beer was found among the group. that's enough to warrant a reaction like this now in school administrations which are usually top heavy with anal-retentive & controlling women.

...

Jane
Cottage Grove, MN

[quote removed --goole]

Ask the kids. It was a party where some were forced to undress why others threw sticky objects at them. Sounds like hazing to me. Now, if the football or soccer team did this, the administrators would be all over them.

...

Liberalismwearin gthin
Saint Paul, MN

Someone said a prayer, obviously. What else could it be?

...

Chuck
Saint Paul, MN

And since it involves theater girlie men, it was probably homosexual type sex. Which probably makes it all AOK with the Pioneeer Press libs.

my two faves (y'all probably won't get the second one)

Urban Dictionary
Saint Paul, MN

They had a lemon party!

...

Rep Ryan Winkler
Saint Paul, MN

Does anyone else think I look like Kurt on Glee?

It can't be good that I keep looking at this and laughing, can it.

lololol goole I was just about to post the second one

oh and Ned, the new high school is ridiculously enormous and is nicer than many community colleges that I've seen, pictures really don't do it justice

(lol the new 9-year-old high school)

Which probably makes it all AOK with the Pioneeer Press libs.

Good god I can't stand comments on MSM sites. < / too close to home >

hahahaha ok hahahahaaaaaaa waht

still lolling btw

we came from the best worst town in the world man shit

^^^ ITR THREAD DESCRIPTION

er board, whatever, I'm still at work

apparently my mom is not working her old school board connections

also I was in the yesteryear section of the Gazette for being a nerd, lol

stop being at work, also ok

<3 <3 <3 to HSTNGS nerds of the past

also stop making me want to look at a paper copy of this ridiculous newspaper, I mean that's just wrong.

NEEERRRRRRRRRDDDDDS

considering I just spent all day working on adding support for asynchronous callbacks to a virtual server, I really can't argue against my nerddom in the past or the present

in the future I will be a biker

What the happened

haha received an email back from my friend:

Ch@d was not known for his investigative chops.

^^super awesome understatement :)

not a nutty headline but, yo HOPKINS CAT SHOW

also please click through to the picture in the article

http://www.mnsun.com/articles/2011/04/12/hopkins/community/fw_ho14catshow.txt

Buctales

?

That story is just... so amazing

i don't even get what happened here

http://www.startribune.com/local/120750249.html

Guilty plea in exotic extortion tale

The sister-in-law of a naval officer had helped scare his relatives with stories of needing cash to pay off hit men.

At the end of the hearing Tuesday, even the defense attorney admitted to shaking his head over what appears a bizarre and unbelievable scheme.

Wal-Mart hit men, the Samoan mafia, the "Burritos" Mexican street gang and an illicit affair with a stripper from Guam. All fabricated, admitted Vatauomalao "Tau" Tafaoa, to extort more than $180,000 from her brother-in-law's frightened Minnesota family.

At the close of Tuesday's hearing, after U.S. District Judge Joan Ericksen tried to track all the twists and turns, all the judge said was: "Well, OK then."

looking for the link to the HHS drama party

oh my god now that I am reading this... holy lol

all the judge said was: "Well, OK then."

The state motto, surely.

there are some sucker ass people out west, huh

this is hilarious on every single level imaginable

As the son of a Navy officer and all, fuck this fucking Rosetter punk in the eye.

I think you have to be a special kind of racially clueless to take any claims of being stalked by the Dreaded Burrito Gang seriously.

The typical farm couple from Granite Falls doesn't get out much, I suspect.

http://www.granitefalls.com/

http://www.granitefalls.com/img/mayorEDA.gif

oh damn you I was just posting that

Some of their bus drivers...worry me:

http://www.granitefalls.com/heartland.html

and Grantie Falls wonders why its teenage girls keep disappearing

"It's the Burrito gang, ma'am. Can't be anyone else."

we should do a poll of the granite falls busdrivers

Please to do.

Minneapolis Gayest City in America

http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/dpp/news/minnesota/minneapolis-gayest-city-in-america-jan-12-2011

MINNEAPOLIS - Minneapolis is the gayest city in America, according to the calculations of gay magazine The Advocate.

The formula

For each U.S. city, The Advocate added up the number of Gay.com profiles, listed officiants for gay weddings within 50 miles, elected openly-gay officials, Tegan and Sara performances over the past five years, lesbian bars, gay-friendly religious congregations, entries on YellowPages.com with "gay" in the business description. That total was then divided by the city’s population.

LOLLLLLLLLL

But there is some truth to the idea that Minneapolis is a gay magnet, yes? Used to be, there was this big stat about the Twin Cities having more theatre per capita than NYC. When I was 15 and my mother had 'concerns' about me going downtown, one of my arguments was that I wasn't going to meet any dodgy predator men because The Gays were looking after me. She loooooooved that.

mpls has always been gay as heck iirc

Wild West 'shootout' was fake, pain was real

http://www.startribune.com/local/124197733.html

An Old West reenactment got a little too real for a Twin Cities grandma who took a shot of hot lead in her leg.

"The last gun battle was just concluding, and the next thing I knew there was blood spewing out of my leg," said Carrol Knutson, 65, of Birchwood, near White Bear Lake. She was watching Friday's staged shootout in Hill City, S.D., with her husband, Don, and their 13-year-old grandson, Jake.

...

"My summer is shot," she said.

http://www.winonadailynews.com/news/local/article_5c29e9b4-4ee6-11e1-ad1f-0019bb2963f4.html

A 9-year-old boy at St. Stanislaus was immediately and indefinitely suspended Thursday night at a school lip-sync fundraiser after mimicking Michael Jackson’s famous groin grab during a rendition of “Billie Jean.”

Mindy Boberg said St. Stan’s principal Pat Bowlin approached her and her son, Lenny, during the event and told her the performance — specifically the handful of times Lenny reached for his groin area to imitate Jackson’s notorious dance move — constituted gross misconduct and that Lenny was suspended.

HANDFUL

Power restored at Mall of America

Article by: HERÓN MÁRQUEZ ESTRADA , Star Tribune
Updated: August 19, 2012 - 9:17 PM

Two dozen businesses were affected; electrician was burned.

...at the stake?

by a zingy teenager