The London Underground hints and tips thread!

Don't be Brazilian.

They're thinking of breaking it up.

When we were in London last year, I found going on buses/walking around instead of using the underground to be the easiest way of realising how places on the underground map relate to what's actually up on ground level. Such a simple thing, and it's made London travelling a lot easier for me to work out. The time I was in London before that, I travelled through London on buses with Tim H and Starry and realised I had no idea where things were in relation to other places before - I just went into the underground one place and popped up in another without ever thinking there might be easier ways to do it.

walking distances tween stops:
http://www.blog.co.uk/community/profile_photo_sizes.php?item_ID=1156103

Exactly!

One day, the tube went on sudden strike, so I had to walk from Monument/Bank area to Pad, and found yeah it was a stretch, but it was bizarre how you could be in Holborn one minute, PicCirc the next, then Oxford Street, then... etc...

The Way Out Tube Map is great - shows you which carriage to board to arrive right opposite the platform exit at your destination.

my tip is don't use it

T Court Road - Oxford Circus in 8 mins is a bit generous, unless it's late at night.

- don't get stuck as Aldgate East
- Elephant & Castle is a fucking sewer, and changing lines there means trudging through miles of piss-stinking tunnels.

Shoreditch Station is permanently closed

Also, if you're in Clerkenwell and need to go to Tottenham Court Road, just walk - it's a lot quicker.

The Hammersmith and City line is London's most popular and efficient tube line

lawl

Baker Street is both charming and perfectly laid out.

North Acton is popular with the suicidal

try Mill Hill East more

^Used Mill Hill Broadway the other week, great for getting to Cricklewood from

A brisk jog up the escalator at Angel is popular with the suicidal

"London! That's where WE live!!! Yayyy!"

the Waterloo and City line closes at 9:40pm

to ensure that you disembark from your tube car promptly, huddle around the fucking door so that no one else can get in

lol london n00bs

avoid changing at bank at all costs - you will be walking up and down escalators for an hour

feel free lean your quality complimentary newspaper against my head and sneeze into it.

remember that you are, in fact, the only person using the system so there therefore no need to make any allowances for the existence of any people. ever. who aren't there.

The "mind the gap" voice on the tannoy is provided by one guy with a microphone in a booth. He is paid a salary of GBP 204,000pa, and a central pillar of Boris Johnson's bid for mayor is replacing him with a recording.

Paedophiles and asylum seekers have priority rights to all trains on the Jubile, Central, and DLR lines, thanks to Gordon so-called Brown.

the jubilee line can eat a dick

Rayners Lane, Ruislip, Hillingdon and Uxbridge are all actually the same stop

Looking for White City tube station? It's been renamed Kaleidoscope of Multicultural Understanding City on all tube maps from 2008 onwards. By who? 'Ave a bleedin' guess.

Arsenal station has one entrance for fat people and one for thin people

"Mudchute" on the DLR should more accurately be named "Shitheap".

"Hammersmith" on the Picadilly and District lines should more accurately be named "Shitheap"

It's considered polite to discuss the latest Nemi cartoon, featured in your free Metro, with fellow passangers.

Remember that Britain is a predominantly Christian country - try to fit in by asking the other passengers if they believe in Jesus.

When it's cold outside and the air is howling through the subway car, for God's sake don't close the little window in the door at the end of the tube car where all of it is pouring through, whatever you do

The emergency cord was originally introduced to alert drivers to the presence of Jews and single mothers on board the train. In 2008, it is only used to signal the presence of Australians.

When attempting to lever yourself through the crowd of people huddling around the fucking door, don't by any means speak up to let them know you need off, simply wait for them to sense you by ESP and then explode in rage at them when they don't

If you're a woman in her mid 40s, it's actually illegal to get onto a London underground train without tutting at at least three different things.

Rayners Lane, Ruislip, Hillingdon and Uxbridge are all actually the same stop

go back to Leeds

Don't get off the tube at Camden Town. There's nothing to see there. Literally.

Tourists, enjoy the artwork at Glowsesster Road

When alighting from Camden Town tube, fellow passengers' spirits will always be heightened if you set your mp3 mobile at full volume to play Tory Suggs' cheery 1995 ode "Camden Town" while ascending the escalators, assuming that they move.

Don't touch the railings.

Be aware that Legoland is not a stop on the DLR, even though it feels like it should be.

(xpost) Don't touch anything at all if you can possibly help it - at some time it will have been the target of a drunk bastard's stream of urine.

If perchance you should find yourself seated opposite TV's Dr Jonathan Miller on the Northern Line as the train pulls into Camden Town, assuage his sallow spirit by asking him what "futile gesture" he plans to make today. He always loves to be reminded of his glory days in Beyond The Fringe.

And remember, Hampstead is only three tube stops away - handy for the Royal Free Hospital to get your stitches put in!

Also, it is helpful to remember that DLR = David Lee Roth.

...and not "Dinky Little Railway" as some people think.

Hey Sven Svensson! When emerging from London's fashionable Mornington Crescent tube station, don't forget to make a loud, witty remark within full earshot of famous local resident Alan Bennett should he be passing at the time. You'll split your sides at the comedy faces he pulls when you do so.

I rode that DLR all the way to Beckton baby

Hungry? Just take a slight detour and get off the Northern Line at Euston station. The concourse there is full of some of the cheapest, tastiest, and freshest food available in London.

A true taste of Cornwall.

Most of it served in the gutter.

And don't forget to pay a timely visit to the exciting, conveniently situated Euston Bookshop!

TOURISTS: eye contact is forbidden on the tube. Should you accidentally do so, the appropriate gesture of apology is to hurriedly grab your rucksack and shout "Allahu Ackbar".

thirsty after that stodgy bagel in the concourse at euston? sorry about that. try nipping next door for a pint at the doric arch, an airy pub with london's friendliest bar staff

i can't tell if people are being sarcastic or not.

Autralians: Native Londoners find it completely delightful if you get steaming drunk on a sunday then bundle on to the train at Kentish Town in groups of fifty yelling semi-coherent shit at each other.

Free wireless broadband is available on all Bakerloo line trains. If you can't connect, pull the emergency lever immediately to let London Underground staff know the server is down.

Kentish Town - it's like Bartertown in "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome", only it's not as clean, has higher background radiation, and the people aren't as friendly. And there's less Tina Turner.

The same is true for New Zealanders and Bayswater.

xxx-post

Want to have your faith restored in England's youth? Just catch the Jubilee Line from Wembley Park after a Kaiser Chiefs gig, and find yourself surrounded by some of the most erudite and charming children the education system of London has to offer.

Well, all human life is under there.

Think I'll walk...

Baron's Court - there is no reason to ever get off at this station, unless you happen to be a rich wanker who lives there.

Or unless you work at Charing Cross Hospital, since it's a much quicker and infinitely more pleasant walk than doing it from Hammersmith.

Just about anything is much quicker and infinitely more pleasant when it's done from somewhere other than Hammersmith.

Pre-Pay users: if you do not "touch in" and "touch out" at the beginning, end and halfway point of your journey, you will be forcibly returned to your starting point and put on the Sex Offenders Register.

Kentish Town - because people living in Camdem have to feel superior to something.

If you come out of Paddington and walk a short distance, you get to Lancaster Gate and the Central line! Take you directly to Bank! Do you know how much time that would have saved me back in the day?

I found this out the night I was stranded at Paddington during the blackout in 2003(?). After trying to catch a bus outside Paddington for about two hours with no success, walked to Lancaster Gate to find the Central Line up and running. Score!

I miss London. *sigh*

Backpackers ahoy! Wend your way out of Highgate Station and enjoy hours of fun trying to find Highgate.

DLR explorers! Take a trip out to London's fashionable All Saints station, where a member of All Saints is always on duty to greet you upon your arrival, sign autographs, pose for tacky photos &c.

London Zoo is in Regents Park! So, hey why not get out at Regents Park station and walk from there? It might not actually be raining that day!

Are you a group of 30 teenage Italian exchange students? Why not try standing directly outside the entrance to Oxford Circus station at rush hour whilst shouting at your classmates?

ahahahaha

Commuters: hesitate for one second in front of the turnstile and I will fucking kill you

Tourists! The correct procedure upon reaching the ticket machine at the height of rush hour is to stare blanky at the screen and fumble with coins for a good five minutes.

Sci-fi fans! You'll do a double take when you take a GIANT STEP outside London's fashionable Colliers Wood station and find yourself facing the huge black monolith used by Stanley "Spencer" Kubrick in his heartrending space opera 2001!

If your Oyster card doesn't work, the solution is to stand there trying it again repeatedly. Do not attempt to obtain help from a member of LU staff.

^this is generally true

yeah i do that.

Japanese people! Why not try grinning like a fucking twat whilst standing next to a red phone booth in Westminster as your equally gormless boyfriend takes a photo of you? Nobody works in this area of London, so rest assured you can take up as much of the pavement and entrance to Westminster Underground subway as you want without disrupting anyone.

00 Valid ticket
01 Bad data
02 Wrong type/direction of use
03 Wrong type or National Rail only
05 Gate in test mode
06 Test ticket
07 Card unreadable/ticket upside down
08 Re-coding error
09 Code read error/ticket damaged
11 Out of date
12 Not valid at this time of day
13 Under Value - additional fare due
16 Not valid in this zone
17 Not issued here
18 Not valid at this station
19 Start date in future
21 Double entry attempted
22 Double exit attempted
24 Has season ticket but travelled out of zone and has insufficient Pre Pay to cover extension
25 Unstarted journey
26 Entry and exit at same station
27 Pre Pay not enabled
28 Pre Pay stopped
29 Period ticket stopped
30 Oyster card stopped
33 Illogical interchange through gates (Hmmm)
34 Exit not allowed - Pre Pay not validated on journey
35 Insufficient Pre Pay - unpaid Pre Pay extension from previous journey
36 No valid season ticket and insufficient Pre Pay to travel
41 Zig zag through gates
42 Pass back
51 Already used for one journey (Single) or two journeys (Return)
53 Black listed travel permit
57 Station not covered on Period ticket
61 Too long at interchange
62 Too long on journey
63 Too long on platform
64 Exit time exceeded
65 Entry time exceeded
70 Unspecified Oyster card processing error
71 Multiple cards
73 Emergency - not valid here
82 Illogical use of ticket
83 Permit not valid at this time
90 Rejecting monitored ticket
92 Card directory corrupt
93 Card contents corrupt
94 Card communications failed
96 Reader initialisation failed

number 82 has so many possibilities

Like when you wave your Oyster card at your front door?

the nearest station beeps "82" and prints out your address on a dot matrix printer

21 Double entry attempted

00 Valid ticket
01 Bad data
02 Wrong type/direction of use
03 Wrong type or National Rail only
05 Gate in test mode
06 Test ticket
07 Card unreadable/ticket upside down
08 Re-coding error
09 Code read error/ticket damaged
11 Out of date
12 Not valid at this time of day
13 Under Value - additional fare due
16 Not valid in this zone
17 Not issued here
18 Not valid at this station
19 Start date in future
21 Double entry attempted
22 Double exit attempted
24 Has season ticket but travelled out of zone and has insufficient Pre Pay to cover extension
25 Unstarted journey
26 Entry and exit at same station
27 Pre Pay not enabled
28 Pre Pay stopped
29 Period ticket stopped
30 Oyster card stopped
33 Illogical interchange through gates (Hmmm)
34 Exit not allowed - Pre Pay not validated on journey
35 Insufficient Pre Pay - unpaid Pre Pay extension from previous journey
36 No valid season ticket and insufficient Pre Pay to travel
41 Zig zag through gates
42 Pass back
51 Already used for one journey (Single) or two journeys (Return)
53 Black listed travel permit
57 Station not covered on Period ticket
61 Too long at interchange
62 Too long on journey
63 Too long on platform
64 Exit time exceeded
65 Entry time exceeded
70 Unspecified Oyster card processing error
71 Multiple cards
73 Emergency - not valid here
82 Illogical use of ticket
83 Permit not valid at this time
90 Rejecting monitored ticket
92 Card directory corrupt
93 Card contents corrupt
94 Card communications failed
96 Reader initialisation failed
97 Motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane

26 Entry and exit at same station

i want to know what motherfuckin "zig zag through gates" means

42 Pass back

the mp3 girls get a free kick

98 Paper Planes

99 paper snakes on paper planes

Tracer it means you can use this

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/5144VTAHH6L._AA280_.jpg

instead of Oyster

Tourists! The correct procedure upon reaching the top of the escalator is to step off and stand there gormlessly for AT LEAST 30 seconds, as your fellow passengers customers pile up behind you.

"When standing on the Tube, everyone will be pressed up together and no one will talk. Try breaking the ice by going "hey, don't you wish everyone here used Dial?" and you'll find people will relax pretty quickly."

(From an actual guide to London for American students I read, circa 1999)

66 That is illogical, captain
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4c/SpockVulcan.jpg

drunk people! the person studiously trying to avoid your glance with their nose in a book and earphones in is the person you need to sit next to and engage in conversation. Their stance is the universal signifier of "I need the company of drunk people and really want to hear all about your day".

Hash heads: If disembarking at Bethnal Green, there is nothing you can do about the five police officers and their canine companions because they station themselves right at the top of the escalator where you can't see them until it's too late!

This thread is basically TS: gormless people vs people who get apoplectic with rage over being mildly inconvenienced

"Stand on the right" obviously means walk on the left even if no-one else is on the escalator and you are ambling downwards at the same speed that you probably drive in the middle lane of an empty motorway. You cunt.

xp yeah that's me.

This thread is basically TS: gormless people vs people who get apoplectic with rage over being mildly inconvenienced

This neatly sums up the entire social dynamic on the London Underground.

gormless people vs people who get apoplectic with rage over being mildly inconvenienced

in england this is very often the same person

Sorry about that.

Tourists: stay within two inches of the entrance to the platform at all times - the empty spaces to your left and right are extremely dangerous and you should do your best to prevent others from accidentally straying there.

Sorry about that.

No no, entirely my fault old boy.

Commuters: Have extra money lying around? Pay for a fucking tube ticket!

hehe
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/johnson-bans-scotsmen-from-the-tube-20080507932/

that Fathers4Justice retard probably had that as a central pillar of his campaign

Central Line station managers: Make sure to tell everyone that Shepherd's Bush station is closed, and do this every five minutes of every day, for months.

The "mind the gap" voice on the tannoy is provided by one guy with a microphone in a booth. He is paid a salary of GBP 204,000pa, and a central pillar of Boris Johnson's bid for mayor is replacing him with a recording.

-- That mong guy that's shit, Thursday, February 14, 2008 4:17 PM (2 months ago) Bookmark Link

so, is he?