Disinterested Flirting/Half assed pursuit

yeah this has been me for the last couple years really

it sucks because i know im letting decent laid-back girls get away and only ending up with the crazy clingy ones

meanwhile the decent laid-back girls are letting this decent laid-back guy get away. we need to found dlbdate.com - for all your disinterested flirting needs

bringing together people who are too tired of this shit to try hard anymore since 2008

i think i hate the word 'commitmentphobe' more than any other

man this is totally, totally otm in my experience

theres one girl who i wont commit a weekend night to, for ex ... but shes usually only free on weekends. so we just sorta trade calls/messages back and forth about "yeah maybe next week ..."

i think its mostly a post-college thing cuz there are much fewer forced socializing situations w/ people of this mentality

post-school in general

post-marriage

oh god

haw

(book two)

I can't help but think that if George Burns were playing matchmaker for me that things would fall into place much more gracefully in this respect or something...

this has gotta be part of the appeal of 40 yr old virgin

altho i guess thats overwhelmed by the appeal of smartass schlub pulls hot chick

glad others do this also.

it's almost funny when a completely obvious sort of "we're both single moment" appears on the horizon. eg today she said something like "oh I want to go to that tomorrow but none of my friends are going", and I wrote back, but ended up editing my message carefully to not convey any insulting acknowledgement of this at all or any element of rejection, if indeed it was some kind of hint.

I think I wrote, "yeah not sure what I'm doing this weekend....probably nothing really".

yeah. I love the way I'm on the surface, like, lol, Valentine's day...but really, I care way too much. I think all in all, it's more depressing to be "alone" on one's birthday then V-Day, but, agh. I'm caught in the web, what can I say?..

the other sad/ironic thing about this is that you usually have more genuinely in common with girls you can string along like this but after a couple weeks of knowing you could hit it theyre never as intriguing as that new piece you just met who probably is really into astrology or something but you just dont know yet

yeah...and of course I guess the big thing here is that, at least for me, when I really like the girl I go fucking batshit psychotic and can't be myself with them at all.

btw I didn't even remember it was Valentine's when I started this...

I take some perverse comfort from hearing/listening to people who live in mega-metropolises like NYC complaining about this kinda stuff...I don't even know why, but I do, nonetheless...

its a serious stars align situation, so i guess its kinda good to build up enough of these relationships just in case things work out perfectly at some point and sparks fly??? I feel like its kind of a case of improving yr odds and it'll be one of those situations where you look down one day and realize "why what i wanted was right here all along!"

does anyone in this thread live in nyc?

oh i see yr just saying

yeah...

I'm thinking that if I make it through tonight w/o caving into horrible drunk dialing, then it will constitute some small victory?

haha i almost called my ex today and i havent even started drinking :-/

don't worry guys, i'm sure all of your interests will peak again once it starts getting a little warmer

hmm I don't really know if sparks can suddenly appear after time though. maybe.

disinterested flirting is actually hilarious though, I'm not even really sad about it. it's a bit like being in a relationship only I'm even worse!

x-post I live in the Ireland/UK, it may never get warmer

ugh, I don't think I will call ex's, but I'm tempted to call all manner of people and be like, "HEY, ARE YOU GUYS DOING SOME ANTI-VALENTINE'S DAY THING TONIGHT? 'CAUSE IF SO, THEN COUNT ME IN, WOO-HOO!"

Why I even care is perverse...

x-post sorry superfluous "the" before Ireland there...

lol college. I think for me it was initially a defense mechanism - "Whatever. Take it or leave it. I could go home and watch The Fifth Element or I could stay here and we could make out. doesn't matter..." met with varying degrees of success. But now it's pretty much who I am. Whatever.

these are actually the best kind of girls Ronan, no big deal but you still like them, and you can have a couple on the go sometimes. you dont have to think of it as whether you can be bothered or not, you can just call them up. or not. doesn't matter

I feel inclined to represent the opposite view. Why drag out a flirtation with a woman with whom you have only a mild synergy? Give me a passionate, troublesome female any day. More highs, more lows! Isn't that what love is all about? It's good to be knocked off your centre by a woman just a little - it puts things in perspective.

Not that I'm against flirting. I love flirting, but one has to have a kind of sexual electricity zapping between oneself and the flirtee, or it is not true flirting.

haha i almost called my ex today and i havent even started drinking :-/

-- deej, Thursday, February 14, 2008 11:57 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

o shi

i think this can be a consequence of one's own torpor rather than anything "objective" about the strength of feelings or potential for awesomeness

Thats closer to it! "Well, lookswise she's prob only a 7 or maybe 8, and she's a good laugh, easy company and puts no pressure on, very hands off with her own thing going on.....i dunno i think i should wait for a 9 in looks"

in my own life a better basis for stringing something along is actually doing things with that person in a groups with other people, rather than talking about and failing to do things solely with each other

hey Tracksuit Party i think you were laxalt but i guess not?

Weird thing is how dudes talk about they want girl that are easy to hang out with and no pressure and then they meet girls that are like this and are pretty as well - then they make convoluted paths to avoid having casual sex with them

don't worry guys, i'm sure all of your interests will peak again once it starts getting a little warmer

haha, this is like fishing at the moment. The fish are too dormant to go for my bait. I wonder if they're all logged into an internet message board discussing "I just don't think I can be arsed eating lately, what's with that?"

Haha you are all being just like those really vague flakey girls that dudes always complain about.

This never really kicks in with me until the pursuit bit is technically over, which I suppose is worse.

totally flakey right now...."oh I barely noticed it was Valentines yesterday, I was at home. I'm sure it is annoying if you're single and in an office though".

Haha you are all being just like those really vague flakey girls that dudes always complain about.

argh this is my nightmare scenario.

I hate this shit. I pretty much only date people who're willing to say "Hey, you and me, how about it?" and then follow through. Of course, I'm usually single for 8 mos to a year or more at a time.

Right, you're dating Mark Knopfler then.

I might be too young/American/thick to know who that is.

or Amy Ray, xp

It's funny, though, cos I was just thinking recently how much I hate flirting w/o any actual intent. I don't really bother flirting unless my heart's in it, and then to get that energy returned to you when you know (or find out)that they're not really putting anything on the table is rly...disheartening, distasteful to me.

to be fair i think a lot of people have no control over whether and with whom they flirt

Whaa..huh? Maybe we have different ideas of flirting.

laurel, you unwittingly quoted the most epic dire straits song.

all i mean is that for some people flirting can be a kind of default mode for dealing with certain situations, mark s was just talking about this today re: a friend of his, saying flirting is her way of keeping the world manageable

!!!!! It's a mira-coil! I'm receiving messages from beyond the veil of days of pop culture gone by!

Hm. I don't really grok that, Tracer, but okay, I'll go with it. Still kind of grossed out, though.

Also sometimes you get caught up in a flirt you didn't even see coming but perhaps, even if you fancy the person, you're just not in the mood and have other things on your mind.

(so in effect you have some internal battle between your penis/vagina vs your brain)

whole thread otm

laurel otm
go big or go home

all these xposts

don't go big, go meh, you know you kind of want to. I guess.

Rrobyn has become an XTREEM snowboarder overnight??? Or maybe she is just from the West Coast.

haha i totally snowboard old-lady style back and forth in big huge arcs
but i don't coast the flirting
anymore

Think I will go home, I've got two discs of "The Wire" and a bottle of wine that is not long for this world.

Laurel i don't get what there is to grok? flirting is just flirting, it's not a promise, it's not a commitment, it's not even an invitation necessarily it just is what it is, a fun and interesting way to get to know someone with maybe a wicked little flourish. i think i'd be more skeezed out if someone were "consciously" flirting, like made a decision to act that way and then carried out that decision.

ooh that sounds like a good Friday

I think in flirting you implicitly offer something of yourself, and if it isn't really available to offer then it kind of seems like...lying, to me. Even if the other person knows it's not real and goes along with it, then they're lying too? I don't like it.

Maybe I'm a naive Midwesterner who read too many 1930s adventure novels about honor and being pure of spirit, but you don't hold out a platter for someone to put their heart on and then drop it on the floor and say you never thought they'd think you meant it. And if/when I've unwitting done that to others I am ashamed of myself and very sorry.

i think there's a HUGE diff between casual flirting and what you're talking about, laurel!

i'm such a terrible flirt when i'm single.

Well I mean, is "casual flirting" nothing more than thinking someone is cool and interesting and wanting to know what they have to say about stuff, regardless of their sex? Because I agree being NICE to someone obv isn't, or shouldn't be, flirty. But like non-casual touching or dropping innuendos or etc is.

as in, a shameless one, or not a very good one?

x-post

i don't consider touching or innuendo casual AT ALL. eek!

Because I mean if that's the case I was totally flirting with you all Saturday eve, Lauren, and I'm totally sorry, maaaan, but I'm not really in a dating place right now...you know how it is.

Hahah xp!

i feel comfortable designating that as byeond flirting and firmly in "hitting on" territory

xposts

anybody wanna see my loft?

It's passive-aggressive in a way that gives the other person the chance to make a big move. Instead of smashin the ball into their side of court (tennis-wise), you're tinking it over the net and standing there ready to ace it back full-force if it's sent back to you.

i don't play tennis - could i get that in the form of a curling metaphor?

I'd like it in a horse racing (national hunt) metaphor please.

it's like when your rock is hogged (xp)

Giving the other person the broom.

It's circling the opponent at the start of a match Kurt Angle style, making little faked lunges forward and cautiously waiting for your opponent to initiate a more high-profile action, constantly waiting for that opportunity to roll through and wrench that ankle until it snaps in two and they have no choice but to tap or never walk again

ohhhhh

sorry I meant to post that on the "stuff white people like" thread

flirting is a macabre dance, only one person emerges alive to face the music once more.

http://www.solarnavigator.net/animal_kingdom/animal_images/insect_praying_chinese_zorak_mantis.jpg

i have been doing the half-assed pursuit thing lately, myself. but only because she started doing it first and i got sick of running in place.

ROnan what about the hideous scream of the bagpipes

it's exactly like that!

the girl who im with right now (the longest relationship ive ever been in) i seriously pursued despite her brief initial objection/rejection (this sounds creepy i know but it wasnt--i made a move, got rejected, stuck around for a week or two and then it happened). relationships that start that half-assed never make it that far, at least not with me.

I dont think what laurel is talking about is the same as what ronan is talking about (assuming ronan is talking about the same thing I am) - I feel like the kind of situation described in the first post requires a mutual sense of "they're cool ... maybe we should hang out? ehhh," usually if one person is interested and the other person is half assing it, you can tell ... or at least i can, unless the person half assing it is just being straight up deceptive in which case i agree w/ laurel, they suck

i have to admit in the past "half-assing" it was usually w/ girls who i was like "ur cool and i would like to hang out more but i dont really want to go through the hassle of breaking up with you when it doesnt work out two months from now"

deej otm.

I don't think, in the situation I'm talking about, either person is being disingenuous. it's more like "is either of us going to do something about this" yet because of the contact being so regular you know you both have some interest.

but not enough probably!

Naw, I dunno. I don't like to make a move toward "hanging out" or a daet or whatever unless I'm sure I want to pursue something. Like, I have already cased the joint and am sure I want to back up the logical conclusion of my flirtation. The "ehhh" that deej quotes pretty much means to me that you should leave that person the fuck alone to be liked by someone who doesn't feel "ehhh" about them.

But y'know what do I know? I haven't had a date-y daet since...last spring? And it was shit.

are they making fun of us on the gay thread yet?

Nah, too much of a distraction from demolishing art films and kissing the trailer trash toes of Sandra Lee? And speculating in not very veiled terms about making out with jaymc.

close shave

this thread otm until the flirting part.

there was this girl really recently, i was trying not to lead her on, but to give myself time to get interested in her. i was telling myself "well, she's nice, and is cute enough and into you, what do you want?" but i just wasn't feeling it.

I'm drunk now...maybe I'll call and ask her out.

not really

that new piece you just met who probably is really into astrology or something

and wants to tell you what color your aura is

i t4hink itls only bad when the girl or dude flirts and they know the girl or other dude i guess jhas no idea that they're trying to like i don't now whatwas i saying

If things aren't effortless, I don't bother.

this happens to me a lot and i just forget about it. im one of the decent laid back girls.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/17/magazine/17play.html?_r=1&ref=magazine&oref=slogin

One man's "half-assed" is another man's "enjoying the present in and of itself and not as a means to an end."

I keep reading the title of this thread and imagining a bad TV movie.

Disinterested Flirting: Half Assed Pursuit

revive....

maybe if you pretend you're like what I like, in a half assed crap way, I can do the same....

we should really, yawn, go out sometime.......

strange thread

will ye have a shag?

when i do this it's usually b/c i can't decide how hot the person is

dreamy

Every time I start to think, you know, I really am too hard on men, and too bitter... I go and read a thread like this, which is like this strange little window into the way men think...

And then, it's just... nope. I'm totally justified. This is all total fuckwittage. Men are awful, i was right.

Could you expand on that? Not being facetious, I just genuinely want to know.

What, me?

when i do this it's usually b/c i can't decide how hot the person is

this + i think "but maybe they're really smart/awesome/freaky and i should give it a chance"

yes, you

lol @ freaky

when i do this it's usually b/c i can't decide how hot the person is

this + i think "but maybe they're really smart/awesome/freaky and i should give it a chance"

-- Jordan, Thursday, August 28, 2008 4:38 PM (23 seconds ago) Bookmark Link

definitely

did 'disinterested' mean 'uninterested'? Maybe not.

I somewhat agree with what Laurel said about flirting, re. its seeming a dishonest way to behave.

freaky is important!

so is. w/ some ppl it's hard to tell! like not everyone has tattoos and CRAZY clothes

not really sure how this thread is evidence of men being awful

OK Bootsy

xxp

i think it's the whole we think in our pants thing

Because this kind of disinterested/half-assed cat-boy behaviour is exactly the sort of thing that turns fairly straightforward women into confused, neurotic messes from all the mixed messages.

Like someone said above, this is the kind of behaviour that men HATE in vague girls.

A man acts sort of interested, then goes all vague. You want to know what the hell is going on - but if you actually bother to get in contact, then suddenly you're accused of being all "clingy". You can't win.

not everyone is from crazy kansas!
xpost

cat-boy?

lolll kansas

http://www.betsysfolly.com/photography/photographs/CatBoyWC.jpg

Anyway, if that's your definition of awful, I would argue that everybody is awful regardless of gender.

Which has always been my opinion, anyway.

well the problem i think might go back to what laurel was talking about. there's behavior that i construe simply as being NICE which other people read as "signals." cf the girl i was chatting to at a party last night. i just thought i was being friendly, but then it became clear to me that she took that to mean "let's do it," so i excused myself from the situation.

A man acts sort of interested, then goes all vague

girls do this at least as much as dudes. it usually translates to "i was kinda interested, but now i'm not."

xp

Every time I start to think, you know, I really am too hard on men, and too bitter... I go and read a thread like this, which is like this strange little window into the way men think...

maybe that's why you're single

this sort of reminds me of the recent thread where some folks seemed unable to convince themselves that men get crushes too.

Jordan so OTM

gbx, she couldn't resist your disinterested flirting

people want what they can't have.

isn't it everybody's right, male or female, to change their minds? i think that's OK as long as you're as courteous as possible. i mean don't assault your crush in the backroom and then ignore her for 2 weeks, but...

"let's do it"

A man acts sort of interested, then goes all vague

girls do this at least as much as dudes. it usually translates to "i was kinda interested, but now i'm not."

or even "I'm not really sure what I feel, and even less sure how to express it. I'm not trying to be manipulative here, its just that I take this stuff seriously and don't want to make a fool out of you or me"

OK, my friend had this theory about there being cat-boys and dog-boys. Dog-boys behave like dogs - if they like you, they let you know, they're reliable, predictable, happy to see you - sometimes they might wear on you a bit through being so clingy, but you know where you are with a dog-boy.

Cat-boys are the ones that call you when they want food or sex, then disappear for days at a time, they never return call when they say they're going to, they get freaked out if you actually try to act affectionate with them if they're not in the mood, they want affection/attention when they want it. You never know where you stand with a cat-boy.

Dog-girls should date dog-boys, and cat-boys should date cat-girls.

I'm kind of with Laurel and the Pinefox on not really understanding flirting. But I suppose the only time I ever flirt is with people with whom it is totally and solely recreational, that there is a complete understanding that it will never go any further than flirting. In fact, I will never flirt with a person I do actually like.

way to drop a subtle brag in ur post evan, a++

I keep reading Local Garda's post in the voice of the girl from Undone (The Sweater Song) and it's colouring the whole thread for me.

I think women do this as much as blokes do really. Although maybe they go for full-on flirting. I don't know, I'm crap at telling when people are flirting with me, it's only when I walk away from the conversation that some sort of imaginary cartoon anvil drops and I think "oh shit, she was flirting with me".

Flirting with people when there is a complete understanding it won't go any further isn't really flirting is it?

Cat-boys are the ones that call you when they want food or sex, then disappear for days at a time, they never return call when they say they're going to, they get freaked out if you actually try to act affectionate with them if they're not in the mood, they want affection/attention when they want it. You never know where you stand with a cat-boy.

omg this was my boyfriend for so long until finally he just became MY cat-boy and everything was OK

In fact, I will never flirt with a person I do actually like.

okay, this might actually be why you're single!

There's also the problem that it's not always straightforward to just tell someone what your intentions/feelings are exactly, and you have rely on "signals" which of course are often in danger of being misinterpreted. Or maybe you're just lame or a coward or crazy or all three.

it's only when I walk away from the conversation that some sort of imaginary cartoon anvil drops and I think "oh shit, she was flirting with me"

this, because i r dum

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/35/69384792_072daca99d.jpg?v=0

I'm trying to stretch Kate's pet analogy further but it just ends up in variants of 'keep them locked up in a cage and only take them out to feed and play with them'.

for a lot of us 'sending signals' is the best part of getting into a relationship

way to drop a subtle brag in ur post evan, a++

-- max, Thursday, August 28, 2008 3:51 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

:D

lol school

I just don't like when people aren't straight with me.

I try to be straight with other people, on the incredibly rare occasion that anyone expresses an interest in me.

If someone says to me, "well, actually, on second thought I'd prefer just to be friends" it may be a bit rocky and take a bit of time, but it's OK. It's when they DON'T say anything and just go all weird for no apparent reason. FFS.

Yeah, I'm sure that women are just as guilty of this. But, you know, I don't date women so I don't have to deal with that.

And no, I'm single because I made the choice that it was easier than dealing with the crap of the dating game. When I wasn't single, the people I was with, I got with because they were refreshingly honest about their intentions and interests.

Yeah, I think I don't really remember what being single is actually like. I just remember that I wasn't any good at it.

this seems tangential to a thread that's about BOTH PARTIES knowing they don't really fancy each other in a thrilling enough way to bother asking each other out....

but sadly wishing they did which manifests itself in repeated attempts to try and find some spark that isn't there.

THEN YOU DIE.

school, i'm beginning to recall, is just flirt-city. no end of plausible excuses to go on non committal "dates" before actually deciding a real date is in order.

great thread, btw!

this is one of those behaviors that people really didn't predict w/r/t the 'sexual revolution'. people really do have the liberty to interact and get to know each other in a lot of different ways, which freed up a lot of attitudes and levels of attraction that are...half assed!

Last night while I was out smoking at a bar a girl w/ a friend walked by and passed about two inches from my face. She locked eyes with me for a moment and continued on. She got half a block down and spun on her heal and marched right up to me and asked "would you give me a cigarette – as much as you don't want to?"

As she walked down the block with her cigarette in hand and stopped to enter her building she stopped turned to face me and flashed her underwear at me.

adamrl OTM.

way to drop a subtle brag in ur post jon, a++

And I think it's only flirting really if there is no real intention. Otherwise it's hitting on.

But we've have this conversation before.

It comes down to personality differences and styles of intimacy. Like, well, everything really. Ho hum.

Jon that was the best story i've heard all month

I dunno, sounds kind of half-assed to me

People like flirting because things like wit and spontaneity and lightness and a sense of fun are sexy. A good flirt is a good way of working out whether people like one another and would want to take things further and establishing an initial connection. That's why people do it. An "I like you and want to go out with you" strikes me as being very utilitarian and not very sexy.

Also, I think even the people who are avowed anti-flirts actually flirt more than they think they do when faced with someone they are attracted to. It's a subconscious thing - Kate I know you do this because I have seen you do this. Perhaps you're conflating flirting with being flakey and noncomittal later down the line.

Drunk girl shows her knickers for fags. Yeah. Sounds like some women I've known...

Sounds like a headline to me

true re: flirting. i'd be really bored if everything were just straightforward words. also, at this stage in the game, i've learned to expect signals that i don't like. i mean, if someone doesn't answer my call, that's it, i move on. i don't bother analyzing all the other signals anymore, it's just a waste of time.

lol kate called jon a fag

oh she was drunk was she?

yeah jon unless that girl showed both cheeks she was just half-assed flirting with you

Kate, if you don't flirt with someone how do you know when to hit on them?

i don't know that jon is really a fag

mw otm

Who have you EVER seen me flirt with?

OK, except maybe Magnus and he did my head in so much he scarred me off flirting for life. :-(

If I like a boy, I usually tend to browbeat them intellectually and insult them constantly and argue them into the ground.

Which is kind of identical to the way I treat boys I cannot stand.

Yes, this is actually why I'm still single. Ho hum.

theres an age most people reach where youre sort of expected to be able to handle being attracted to people without flipping shit and channel that attraction into subtle conversational gestures and maybe its unfair that its an expectation but theres not a lot to do about it without alienating a ton of people

Kate, what you describe may be a bit girlish but it's definitely a type of flirting.

you know, i still act like, 13 when i like someone and he's around? my voice gets all fast and my eyes dart and i stop paying attention to my friend, and i say stupid things that like pass in the conversation but upon reflection sound really uneducated

A very convincing post by max there

sorry, just didn't feel like using OTM

If I like a boy, I usually tend to browbeat them intellectually and insult them constantly and argue them into the ground.

this counts as flirting

what about grabbing somebody's crotch, is that flirting?

only if you do it in a disinterested fashion

gbx otm about differing interpretation of signals re "being friendly."

people have different levels of experience and comfort in asking questions, shooting the shit, telling stories about themselves etc in any social setting, let alone a mixed gender one. what may seem pleasant but relatively non-special to one might seem really out of the ordinary and momentous to another.

There's probably a mathematical formula that proves that the more insults you trade without leaving the room, the more likely you are to have sex with one another.

it's the whole passion cliche

No, I'm sorry, tittering like a fool and wrapping your hair around your fingers and batting your eyelashes at someone is sodding girlish and makes me want to vomit when I see anyone doing it. (Not to mention makes me hate men for falling for it.)

I think wanting someone to be able to compete with you and keep up with you mentally and intellectually is perhaps a bit too *mannish* for most men.

i dunno, the last girl i've run into who was big into busting on people she just met and being the lol acerbic hilarious funny girl was really just an irritating bitch with a social crutch. do not want.

nah, insults and arguing is classic playground flirting shit! that can be fine though.

I think wanting someone to be able to compete with you and keep up with you mentally and intellectually is perhaps a bit too *mannish* for most men.

-- Masonic Boom, Thursday, August 28, 2008 5:14 PM (22 seconds ago) Bookmark Link

here's the thing tho? is when someone does this too much with me, i feel like it's a self-ego-boost situation. like if you really need to assert your intelligence that much right away, i kind of fall off. there's no need. sometimes i like it if someone is content to let me see how smart they are, gradually, as opposed to hammering it in my head.

Wow that post manages to be reductive and a bit insulting to both men AND women. Kate you have many talents but accurately seeing the insides of other people's heads is not one of them. (xxxpost)

The ILX gays facebook group has concluded I am not really a fag. And she showed me her knickers AFTER the fag!

i was going to point that out but I couldn't be bothered

i love a smart girl, too, but let's not pretend we're cagney and hepburn right out of the gate, because, guess what, you don't know me and i don't know you. i'll go through the dude-motions of 'batting my eyelashes' to let people know i think they're attractive, i don't have a problem getting that kind of thing back.

but only if it is totally half-assed

I think wanting someone to be able to compete with you and keep up with you mentally and intellectually is perhaps a bit too *mannish* for most men.

if that's what you have to tell yourself then go ahead but plenty of guys I know, all they want is this.

No, I'm sorry, tittering like a fool and wrapping your hair around your fingers and batting your eyelashes at someone is sodding girlish and makes me want to vomit when I see anyone doing it. (Not to mention makes me hate men for falling for it.)

no one does this anymore. it's the 21st century. NO ONE does this.

yeah sharp and acerbic is great but please, try to be a little playful about it. you can demonstrate your wit with compliments as well as insults too, you know.

xp and nobody thinks an intellectual woman is "mannish" either.

if that's what you have to tell yourself then go ahead but plenty of guys I know, all they want is this.

-- Local Garda, Thursday, August 28, 2008 4:19 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

seriously

What you mean is, it can be fine if you are hot.

Which I'm not.

Ah well. And therein lies the real heart of the problem.

The problem with the "OK, you grow up and stop being 13 and pulling the pigtails of girls you like, and learn to flirt reasonably" is that you can get to that stage, and work it for a while. And then you get utterly and totally fucked over in various tedious and painful ways, and go through to a stage beyond that which is only ever seen as "oh no, bitter old woman."

x-posts of course it's as insulting as calling someone's flirting style "girlish." That was really insulting. As anyone who has ever met me knows that the LAST thing I am is girlish.

and OH YES THEY DO STILL DO IT AND MEN STILL FALL FOR IT.

No, I'm sorry, tittering like a fool and wrapping your hair around your fingers and batting your eyelashes at someone is sodding girlish and makes me want to vomit when I see anyone doing it.

where the f do you see this happening, or is england worse off than i thought

yeah are you hanging out at all-ages clubs or what

guys i think england is worse than we thought

any person my own age who would try to play me with body language without having a thing in their head to say == curbside, baby

on the rare occasions where i've seen a woman pull that kind of thing, i think whoa that girl is either nuts or has serious confidence. and invariable whatever dude it's meant for is utterly terrified

invariably

oooh "curbside, baby". I really like that

I didn't mean girlish as you did but more as in childish. If you really like me why wouldn't you put me at my ease as opposed to attacking me? I didn't mean to imply that I didn't sometimes enjoy your kind of flirtation only it seems a little humorless. I like my flirtation light, breezy, ostensibly innocent and liberally spiced with innuendo that my interlocutrix and I can mutually decide to treat at face value or more salaciously.

interlocutrix

^ fantastic word, can i borrow

OH YES THEY DO STILL DO IT AND MEN STILL FALL FOR IT.

Probably because the only people who do it are gagging for it.

Girls in Britain totally still do this, usually teenagers or drunk girls because it comes straight out of My First Book On How To Flirt and is pretty bluntly obvious as flirting goes. There's probably a male equiv. of this that is even more blunt and embarassing.

ts: "mannish" v. "girlish"

'falling for it' is the reward in itself! it's not like you've been tricked somehow.

I don't have much of a sense of humour. I try for humour and miss the boat horribly. And now you've actually gone and made me cry.

Anyway, what the f*ck am I doing here, letting a bunch of random people in the internet pick apart my non-existent dating technique?

I've wasted hours here and it's time to go to bed.

I like my flirtation light, breezy, ostensibly innocent and liberally spiced with innuendo that my interlocutrix and I can mutually decide to treat at face value or more salaciously.

-- Michael White, Thursday, August 28, 2008 10:25 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

Long time ago now, but I was always too socially inept to get this right. hence prefer the indepth argument followed by snog in the heat of disagreement.

a lot of girls, and guys(!crazy), still do the bullshit flirting, just to varying degrees. i mean, playing with your hair isn't uncommon, and neither is blinking.

it happens :D :) =p

also what's so terrible about batting your eyelashes and giggling? it doesn't mean you're stupid, FYI.

Kate, don't take it that way. I had and have no intention of being cruel, I was just using Thomas's time-tested technique of flirting. ;)

There are lots of things that girls (people) do, consciously or unconsciously, that reveal that they're flirting. Most aren't so textbook as goo-goo twirling/batting, but that kind of super blatant stuff figures in, too. Basically a matter of being super focused, super attentive, positive -- and sure, straight-out cartoon flirty for a moment here, a moment there, just to get the point across. It works, too! Any way that people communicate "I am interested in you and want your attention" tends to work, at least some of the time, no matter how trite or obvious, since that message is the only real point. Hell, sometimes the trite and obvious ways are best.

i think half an ass is a dealbreaker

how about an ass and a half?

my dad tells me that boys like nice girls

curbside, baby

no not quite right

honestly tho nothing bothers me more than when someone tries to sound soooooo intellectual. i'd rather talk to a complete idiot, at least that's entertaining.

how about an ass and a half?

unwieldy

Surmounter, OTM. I'd rather gab with a candid and fun cretin than a pretentious bore.

truthbomb

mandee otm

but not mandee's dad

i don't know, i like a girl that can college-talk it up, as long as she can turn it off too.

yeah, I'm with Jordan on this one.

i don't think that's really sayin anything different... a balance is always good

I like'em super clever too, but a girl who tries too hard to sound smart can sound dumber than one who's just being herself.

no offense guys but we already have about 60 threads where everyone comes to the conclusion that the best kind of girlfriends are the ones who are smart but not all the time

:)

ew, xp

I'd rather flirt with a "candid and fun cretin" usually only applies when fun = "attractive and interested", so it's kind of a BS thing to say, as attractive interestedness can make the conversation of pseudo intellectual bores seem unusually rich & stimulating, too.

When reading that, pretend I'm really attractive and interested.

all you just said was it's always good to be hot

...and, in the absense of that, best to avoid being a cretin.

I don't know, contenderizer, there's a certain kind of pseudo-bore that wilts my dick every time. It leaves me clawing for oxygen and clamoring for the door. 'Cretin' is obv too strong but even if someone isn't the brightest person in the room, if their emotional intelligence is good, their company is usually pleasant.

more pleasant than the shmo talking your ear off with words you have to annihilate your buzz to string together

To an extent, you're right (both xs), but that's just the distinction between pleasant and unpleasant people, nawt to do with intelligence or attractiveness. True insufferability trumps everything.

I can't help but feel this thread has lost its way.

Relationship discussions are in the gutter.

i guess i do KIND of miss college talk tho...

college talk: cuter on boys or girls?

well, i really lazily asked out a coworker today.

EAT AND THEN LIVEBLOG

Hi dere, this thread!

congrats thinwall! how'd you do it?

Look, I'm a girl and I know what girls want. Just smile at her all day and make her flutter her eyelashes. The next day, if shes having trouble at something ask if she needs any help. then just ask politly if she's single. If she says yes, then say this: "I know your a bit suprised at this question, and I am very sorry if I'm about to hurt your feelings, But from the first time I saw your ___ eyes like the ___, I fell in love with you.

The lines are for the colors of the eyes.

if her eyes are:

Blue = ocean
Brown = ??
Yellow= Sunrise
Black = ??
Green = The most beautiful Emerald jewl

Or you could just wait till valentines day and give her a parcel with a red rose, and a not saying I love you from the first time I saw your ___Blue___ eyes like the___ocean___
hope this helps!

right, drop the L bomb right off the bat.

congrats thinwall! how'd you do it?

i'd actually sent out a pretty good (as in funny) mass email to the company - a response to an all staffer from one of the owners. she wrote me back and we started sending a few emails and then from there to google chat once in a while. it was all very lazy and half asses for a few weeks up to and including yesterday when i asked her (over google chat) if she wanted to do dinner on the weekend.

i was more interested in another coworker i was half-ass pursuing but i found out she had a b/f. asked this one out the next day.

so maybe that's what i should do - tell her from the moment i looked into her blue eyes, i knew she'd be acceptable.

half asses = half assed!

decent work

i dunno, the last girl i've run into who was big into busting on people she just met and being the lol acerbic hilarious funny girl was really just an irritating bitch with a social crutch. do not want.

OTM. Whenever I see someone pull this schtick, male or female, all I can think is some variation on "this person has major issues" -- issues that have nothing to do with me, and that I don't want to waste my time with.

here's the thing tho? is when someone does this too much with me, i feel like it's a self-ego-boost situation. like if you really need to assert your intelligence that much right away, i kind of fall off. there's no need. sometimes i like it if someone is content to let me see how smart they are, gradually, as opposed to hammering it in my head.

This too is OTM. It's kind of astonishing that anyone would think it's attractive to get aggro about their own intelligence; again, that just screams insecurity and blustering and look-at-me, I've-got-something-to-prove crap.

It's also a waste of time to complain that some tactics work better for "hot" people. It's true that the same behavior that seems confident and poised coming from someone good-looking, can come off as quixotic and absurd when attempted by someone who's not; maybe that's especially true of aggro, in-your-face stuff, simply because it's riskier.

But that's life. Most people are more inclined to think the best of those who are attractive and powerful -- to overlook their faults, and exaggerate their virtues -- and it's always been that way and probably always will. Complaining about it is pointless and self-defeating.

The rest of us have to work with what we've got, and remember that at least 50% of what we chalk up to physical attractiveness should probably be ascribed to personality and confidence -- and whether it feels good and relaxing and "at-ease" to be around someone, or whether they're so fucking neurotic that it rapidly becomes a chore. Even the people who are physically hottest start to lose their charm after enough needless crises and cringeworthy interactions.

^^^ this

It's also a waste of time to complain that some tactics work better for "hot" people. ...That's life. Most people are more inclined to think the best of those who are attractive and powerful. ...It's always been that way and probably always will. Complaining about it is pointless and self-defeating. The rest of us have to work with what we've got

yep

I saw this thing on ITV the other week...

Most people are more inclined to think the best of those who are attractive and powerful

erm... speaking for myself - i most certainly do not do this!

god i can't stop doing this...just now girl i've been chatting to a bit asked me out and i was like...dumbstruck. not out of shock just out of trying to find a way to say maybe but probably not as i suddenly realised didn't actually even want to put myself through the illusion of pretending to be optimistic. really depressing. but also sort of funny.